whole world euen in my hart Lastly my faith brings forth in mee the sweet fruit of heauenly spirituall ioy for i 1 Pet. 1.8 beleeuing in him whome wee haue not seene that is Christ the Lord wee reioyce with ioy vnspeakable and ful of glory which is therefore called the ioy k Phil. 1.25 of faith because it proceeds from thence Thus my faith is l Gal. 5.6 a working faith and by these fruits and the like I know it is not a vaine fancy and vngrounded imagination but a sound and well-grounded perswasion whereby I am ingraffed into Christ for to beleeue is * Extra nos ire in Christum transire to go out of our selues and to goe into Christ Min. If these things bee so I am not able to obiect any thing against your faith nay all the diuels of hell shall neuer be able to ouerthrow it But by what other signe doe you know that you shall be saued Con. Well may my conuersion plead seniority for the second place it being of the same age with faith for there is no sooner true faith wrought in the heart but instantly there is a new Conuert made and a sinner become the sonne of Abraham and well may there then be ioy in heauen for a sinner that is conuerted So then there is an effectual calling and conuersion wrought in mee for the Lord of his vnspeakeable goodnesse hath deliuered mee out of the power of darknesse and translated mee into the kingdom of his deare son that is hee hath brought mee out of the miserable estate of nature wherein I was borne into the happy estate of grace wherein I now stand The second signe of saluation taken out of Rom. 8.30 this calling is a sure signe that one is ordained to euerlasting life for whom the Lord hath called those hee hath also glorified therefore heereby I am comfortably assured of my saluation Min. Our Sauiour tels vs m Mat. 22.14 that there are many called but few chosen how then can this bee a signe vnto you Con. There is a two-fold calling of a Christian an outward and an inward the Lord calls outwardly all those to whom the Gospell is preached for such he requires to come to him by beleeuing and repenting that they might be saued but many such refuse thus to come vnto him and therefore are not effectually called like as if you should call a man that is in a dead sleep who hears you not therefore lies snorting still it may be truly said he was not called vp because hee did not awaken and come vnto you so the outward calling by the voyce of the Gospel alone is not sufficient to saluation therefore the Lord calls his elect inwardly also by his spirit and this is that whereof I speake Min. But how know you that you are thus inwardly effectually called and conuerted Con. 1. 2 Notes of effectual calling By the ecchoing backe and secret answering of my heart vnto the voyce and call of God for the Lord saith n Ps 27.8 Seeke thou my face my heart answereth thy face O Lord will I seeke o Math. 11.28 Come vnto mee saith he all yee that are weary and heauy loden and I will ease you and p Ioh. 8.37 if any man thirst let him come vnto mee and drinke my heart answereth O Lord it is the desire of my soule to come vnto thee oh that I could come oh how shall I come helpe mee that I may come draw mee and I will runne after thee seeing my hart doth thus inwardly answere his call it is a certaine signe that I heare him call which I could not vnlesse hee did call inwardly and effectually Secondly the Lord hath wrought in mee a wonderfull and supernaturall change so that I am contrary to that I was by nature * Non noua substantia creatura sed labefacta reparatur as touching the quality and disposition of my soule now louing that good which then I hated and hating now that euill which before I loued therefore I am a new creature and liue a spirituall life yea Christ liueth in mee for by the power of the spirit flowing into mee from Christ my head I liue vnto God not vnto my selfe and I would not bee againe in the condition wherein I was before for all the worlds good but tremble to thinke vpon it accounting it as the suburbs and mouth of hell Min. I doe verily belieue you for they which haue thus seen and tasted of hell in their consciences will take heed how they come neere it again so lōg as they liue herein is that verified the burnt childe dreads the fire But name vnto mee a third signe of your saluation Con. Me thinkes I see Iustification offering it selfe and comming forth hand in hand with conuersion as beeing the daughters of one mother Faith two sisters born at one birth hand-fasted by the holy Ghost Rom. 8.30 neuer to bee seuered The third signe of saluation taken out of Rom. 8.30 so then I am iustified that is I am accepted of God perfectly righteous through Christ this signe neuer failes for whom God iustified them he also glorified Min. How can you proue that you are thus iustified Con. 1. Because it is the daughter of that noble parent Faith which faith beeing in mee I am thereby onely iustified * Iustification is the daughter of the true mother Faith not of works the false mother for shee saith let it be diuided betweene Christ our selues and not by workes vnlesse it bee to declare me iust before men for I cannot bee so popishly fond as to thinke that men must licke themselues whole with their owne righteousnesse 2. Whereas iustification consists in two things the remission of our sins for Christs passiō sake and the imputation of his perfect righteousnesse to vs I haue some proofe of both for first I know that God doth pardon and forgiue mee all my sinnes for I doe heartily confesse them to him with a detestation of them and if we confesse our sinnes hee is faithfull and iust to forgiue vs our sinnes as q Ioh. 1.9 saith the Apostle Secondly I know that God doth reckon Christs righteousnes vnto mee as verily as if I had personally performed it my selfe this I know by my peace of conscience for they which are thus r Rom. 5.1 iustified by faith haue peace toward God and they only thus am I one of those f Reu. 7.14 that haue washed their long robes and made them white in the bloud of the Lambe Min. Indeede if the conscience be truely pacified it is euident that you are partaker of Christs perfect righteousnesse for what else can giue the Conscience true peace and not the drunken peace of hypocrites Con. 1. Because it hath followed grieuous trouble and vnquietnesse in my conscience as a calm followes after a storme for such as neuer were afflicted in minde
off by sunne-set will not fit him down or lay himself to sleep but get on horse-backe and be riding onward on his way and he that hopes to liue long will not starue himselfe but vse the best diet for preseruing his life 4. It makes me fit my selfe by holinesse for that which I hope for namely the full fruition of the glorious ous presence of the perfectly-pure and holy God in heauen according to that of the Apostle Å¿ 1 Ioh. 3.3 Euery one that hath this hope in him purifieth himselfe euen as God is pure not vnlike to one who hoping to get accesse into the presence of the King with his petition doth addresse himselfe in all sutabe manner both in apparell behauiour and speech for the presence of his Soueraigne Min. It appeares your hope is found and good euen that t Rom. 5.4 which maketh not ashamed and the God of hope fill you therewith and grant that you may abound therein through the Holy Ghost But by what other signe doe you know that you shall bee saued Con. I finde in my heart a true loue of God now I haue learned out of the word that the Lord hath promised the crowne of life to them that loue him c. I make no question but hee will bee as good as his word who neuer failed therein since the world began therefore I know that the crowne of life is mine Min. All say they loue God and professe great friendship to him neuerthelesse most flatter him with their mouth and lye vnto him with their tongues for their heart is not right with him How know you then that you loue him in truth Con. 7. Notes of true loue of God Whereas there are three things in loue affection to the thing beloued a desire of coniunction with it and a well-pleasing contentment taken in the enioying of it all these I find in some measure in mee toward my God so that I know I loue him truly which I further proue by these notes First because I prize and estimate him aboue all worldly things yea mine owne life so that I can truely say with that blessed Martyr Ignatius Eus l. 2. c. 36. I esteeme no visible thing nor yet inuisible so that I may haue Christ u Phil. 3.8 yea doubtlesse I count all things but losse in comparison of him and do count them but dung that I may winne him Neither is this a mercenarie loue hired with the wages of reward for though there were no heauen O Lord I would loue thee but seeing there is a heauen I will account of it and labour to obtaine it yet still will I loue thee for thy goodnesse sake O Lord for thou thy selfe art reward enough though there were no more Secondly I am carefull and vnfainedly desirous to please the Lord in all things euen as we see that men are loth to crosse or displease those whom they entirely loue and affect Heerupon I giue my selfe to loue that which hee loueth and to hate that which he hateth * Ps 45.7 He loueth righteousnes and hateth wickednes and so doe I though not in equality for that is impossible yet in similitude and conformity for it is required and expected as the Prophet saith * Ps 9.10 They that loue the Lord hate euill thus I endeuour my selfe y 1 Ioh. 4.17 as God is euen so to bee in this worldr Thirdly a man may knowe his loue to any thing by the zeale and heat of affection whereby he is carried to that thing which hee loueth Thus euery man is transported and as it were eaten vp with one zeale or other some with the zeale of pleasure as Esau was who for a messe of pottage sould his birth-right some with the zeale of honour as Absalom was who for to gette a kingdome sought to draw bloud of his owne father some with the zeale of money as Iudas was who for his thirty peeces sold his Lord Sauiour By my zeale I know my loue to God for tho I bee not eaten vp with zeale as z Ps 69 9. Dauid was oh I would I were so too yet I feele it burning within mee as a Ier. 20.9 Ieremiah did my heart is hot within me and the fire kindled my zeale carrieth mee to God Fourthly I loue his b Ps 119.97 Qui diligit legem diligit regem word and sacraments prayer and all other holy exercises whereby as I haue gracious intercourse and heauenly conference with the blessed Trinity so in especiall with Christ my wel-beloued who therin causeth mee to heare his sweet voyce and to see his louely countenance for which cause I also loue the house of God so that I can no lesse heartily than merrily sing the note of the Prophet Dauid O Lord I haue loued the habitation of thine house and the place where thine honour dwelleth and another of the same O Lord of Hostes how amiable are thy tabernacles my soule longeth yea euen fainteth for the Courts of the Lord my heart and my flesh cryeth out for the liuing GOD. Fiftly I loue his c Mat. 10.40 messengers and embassadors the Preachers of his word which are sent vnto mee from God to treat about conclusions of peace beseeching mee in Christs stead to bee reconciled to God O how beautifull are the feete of him that bringeth these good tidings that publisheth peace that bringeth good tidings of good that publisheth saluation to me Sixtly I long for the comming of Christ not as though I could no longer beare for impatiencie the miseries of this life which are but light in comparison of the weight of glory but that I might bee married for euer vnto Christ my Loue in perfect ioy and harts delight being now but espoused onely to him and that I might be perfectly freed from all sinne whereby I grieue both him and my selfe and alwaies praise his name in heauen How long Lord how long thou hast d Re. 22.20 said Surely I come quickly Amen Euen so come Lord Iesus Min. Thus it appears that the loue of God will warrant a man as it doth you no les than heauen but what say you now of loue to Gods people may not that bee ranked among the euidences of your saluation Conuert Yes without doubt For The tenth signe of saluation taken out of 1 Ioh 3.14 heereby we know saith S. Iohn that he haue passed from death vnto life because we loue the brethren these doe I loue that is the children of God and such as are godly and these will I loue for euer knowing that loue is such a debt as I shall be alwaies owing and yet I must and will bee euer paying I will striue to be rather a creditour than a debtor heerin and will not only returne to the Saints of God the loue of loue the same measure that I receiue from them but euen vsury and aduantage of loue and I would to God there
were as many paied vse for loue as doe in these dayes pay vse for money Then should they be no whit impouerished lesse in the vsurers books more in Gods and so would it be a better world Min. Whereas you say you loue the godly it may be that is onely because they are friendly to you or because you receiue or hope to receiue some outward kindnes and benefit from some such if your loue be no other than this it is but selfe-loue beeing grounded meerely vpon your owne priuate commoditie and this kinde of loue may bee found in an vnregenerate and carnall man Con. It is not so with me for though happily I may regard some such for some such respects as you name yet if I should not loue the child of God for his own sake and for his and my fathers sake more than I loue my worldly friend for my cōmodities sake or my kinsman for neerenesse of bloud I should bee void of any sparke of true heauenly loue therfore I chiefly loue the godly for their goodnes and godlinesse sake the ground of my loue vnto them is the image of god in them This is that diuine load-stone which drawes my affection toward them Minist How can you make it appeare that you loue them with a right affection Con. Thus 1. because I loue some such in the * In abstracto abstract euen when they are seuered and separate from all externall respects and grounds of loue to mee-ward as 4 Notes of true loue to Gods children when I heare or reade of the zeale piety constancy heauenly vertues and gracious endeauours of the worthy seruants of God such as I neuer knew nor had any dealing with yet I finde that I loue them and feele the affection of my heart spreading it selfe towards them to embrace them which cannot be for carnal respects nor worldly hopes for it may bee some of them are dead and gone and thus I loue the Saints departed which are now in heau'n sometimes also I haue knowne and loued some worthy Christians who then haue flowed with worldly prosperity but after haue fallen to a very low ebbe of great aduersity when the world hath bidde them adieu friends wealth goods haue altogether taken their leaues yet then haue I loued them as dearely as euer I did before whereby it appeared that my loue was not grounded vpon worldly regards which all forsooke them but vpon their goodnes and godlines which still continued with them Secondly I much affect the godly and delight exceedingly in their cōpanie yea of such as are nothing of kin vnto mee that e Ro. 1.12 wee may bee edified through our mutual faith whereas I care not for the company of others wanting true godlinesse though they may be perhappes of my very neere kindred So that I can truely say f Psa 16.3 As for the Saints that are in the earth and the excellent in them is all my delight but as for others I haue hated the assembly of euill doers and will not sit with the wicked and if of necessitie I bee forced to bee in their company then am I readie to wish with the Prophet O that I had wings lik a Doue then would I flie away and be at rest or if this ô will not set mee at libertie then I take vp woe to expresse my misery Woe is me that I soiourne in Mesech that I dwell in the tents of Kedar 3. I haue a fellow-feeling of the miseries of the Saints my deare Christian brethren and sisters which works in mee compassion and makes my heart euen ake and bowels yearn within me to see their grief and behold them in necessitie Whereby I perceiue that I haue the true affection of a fellow-member for if one member suffer all the members suffer with it Fourthly I finde in mee a willingnesse in some measure to impart my selfe vnto them in life and goods soule and bodie so far as I canne to affoord them helpe and succour for as it is truely said of faith that * Fides toto copulatiua it is wholly copulatiue wholly employed in coupling vs to Christ so may it as truly bee said of loue that it is * Charitas communicatius wholly communicate imployed in imparting it selfe and what it hath to others for their good Faith is as the leads and pipes to bring in and loue is as the cock of the conduit to let out Now for as much as my loue is thus communicatiue to the children of God because they are his children heereby I also see that it is of the right kinde Min. Alledge some other sure signe of your saluation For the more the better man the richer you are in the true treasure the more comfort may you haue thereby Con. The Lord hath promised to fulfill the desire of them that feare him The eleuenth sign of saluatiō taken out of Psal 145.19 that he wil heare their cry and will saue them Now I finde in some measure in mee the true feare of God and though I say not of my selfe as the Scripture saith of Obadiah that g 1 Kings 18.3 hee feared God greatly yet this I can say that I desire to feare God greatly and this I dare say in despight of the diuell that I feare GOD truely Therefore I shall be saued certainly according to Gods holy word of truth Min. St. IOHN telles vs that there is no feare in loue but that perfect loue casteth out feare Seeing then you loue God how can you bee said to feare him how can these two stand peaceably together Con. Very well for there is a two-fold feare of God the first is a slauish and seruile feare in horrour to dread his maiestie as a seuere reuenging Iudge eyther executing his iudgements or readie to take vengeance on his enemies Thus all impenitent persons and the Diuels feare him and onely thus and therefore hate him wishing there were no God And this is the meaning of Saint Iames when hee saith h Iam. 2.19 The Diuels beleeue and tremble The second is a childe-like feare in awefull reuerence and loue toward God to be carefull not to offend him now this feare is the true naturall birth of loue being bred and brought forth of it Looke then as Sarah cast out Ismael the seed of the bond-woman but would not cast out her owne deare sonne Isaac euen so the loue of GOD doth cast out of mee by degrees the seed of bondage the slauish feare but not her owne birth the awefull and holy feare of God but cherisheth and nourisheth this continually in mee and is as a nurse vnto it so that now I feare not so much that God will condemne me as that I may not offend him so good so louing a father to mee euen as a good ingenious childe feares to offend his father for very loue but feares not that his father will cut his throat or murder
the wants weakenesse of grace answered I finde in mee such a poore and weake measure of grace that at times I make question whether there bee any true grace at all in me I haue not such a feeling of faith as I desire nor of that ioy which at other times I haue felt especially at my first conuersion I am also affraide that I grieue not enough for my sinnes sure I am not so much as I would which makes me doubt whether these graces bee in me at all and whether I were euer truely conuerted Min. How do you ouercom this Diuell when hee thus grapples with you Con. Thus I encounter him I remember what I haue learned that they which see and heartily bewail in themselues the want of grace cannot possibly bee without true grace and the Lord respecteth not so much the quantity of grace as the quality thereof not how much but whether it bee of the right kinde so that if it bee truely in mee though but as a graine of mustard-seed it is accepted with him And as for feeling it is no sure rule to try my estate by faith without feeling is stronger and more precious then faith with feeling It was not so much ſ Ioh. 20.29 for Thomas to beleeue when hee saw and felt as if hee had done neither It is nothing for a childe being dandled in the lap to thinke his father loues him but when his father frownes and lowers vpon him then to bee perswaded of his loue is something indeed And I stand bound in conscience as well to beleeue when I want feeling as when I haue it for Gods commandement of beleeuing is not confined to the condition of reason experience and feeling nay he is the best scholar in Gods schoole that reasons least vpon these grounds and assents most I must not therefore beleeue according to my feeling of comfort but must beleeue better that I may feele more comfort And as for my ioy I call t Psal 77.6 Psal 143.5 to minde the comfortable experience that I haue had at times heeretofore of my conuersion and the liuely feeling of grace working in mee and that sweet consolation which I haue had in the assurance of the fauour of God in former times Heereby I relieue my selfe and gather that true grace is in mee though at the present it doth not so cleerely manifest it selfe for ioy is more perceiued of some at their first conuersion than euer after but it is because of the newnesse strangenesse and suddennesse of it which makes a deeper impression and causeth greater admiration for it may bee more after like as one that is brought out of some deepe and darke dungeon wherein hee hath been enclosed all his life before into the sun-shine more ioyes in it at his first comming forth then after when he hath been daily wonted to it and yet may enioy more cleare and lightsome daies by farre then at the first and may enioy also more constant and continuall comfort thereby and like as a begger that is aduanced to some very great and vnexpected honor ioyes more at the first therein than afterward and yet his dignities and reuenues may daily increase and grow farre greater than at the first and like as the Ghurch at their first returne out of captiuitie had their u Psal 12 6 2. mouth filled with laughter and their tongue with singing and yet inioyed more good and comfortable dayes after in the peaceable seruice and worship of God then at their first returne As touching my griefe for sinne though it makes mee hang down my head to see the largenesse of Dauids heart this way and the straightnesse of mine for hee u Psal 6. made his bed to swimme and watered his couch with his teares and I can hardly shed on teare for my fins yet in that I am afraid that I doe not grieue enough yea and therefore grieue because I can grieue no more it is heereby euident that I would faine grieue more which the Lord accepts of for if there be first a x 2 Cor. 8.12 willing minde it is accepted according to that a man hath and not according to that hee hath not and secondly though in the intention of my affection Perk. Cas Con. my sorrow for sinne seemes little and lesse then my sorrow for worldly losses yet in the estimation of my minde it is greater because I grieue for my sinne as the greatest euill of all and so in truth of iudgement doe account it and grieue for the losse of Gods fauour as for the losse of the most precious and excellent thing of all and thus I see that my weaknesse in grace is no iust cause to make mee think that I haue no grace no not in the least measure Min. I pray you proceed further to shew Satans cunning in seeking to vnsettle and subuert you Con. The multitude and greatnesse of my sinnes which Sathan sets before me doe now and then much dismay and affright me and make me almost faint I cā say with the Prophet Dauid y Ps 40.12 Innumerable euils haue compassed mee about mine iniquities haue taken hold vpon mee Doubting because of the multitude and greatnesse of sin answered so that I am not able to looke vp they are more then ths hayres of my head therefore my heart faileth mee And beside outward sinnes I am inwardly much oppressed with hardnesse of heart coldnesse of good affection dulnesse of spirit barrennesse of good thoughts motions and desires with manifold foule corruptions I perceiue also sundry imperfections in my prayers and in the best duties so that when I looke backe on the seruice which I performe to God I finde it such simple patched and broken seruice that I feare least hee should account it vs sinne vnto mee and that it should bee as abomination to him and that hee should abhorre both mee and it Min. How doe you beate backe this temptation Con. First for my sins I learn and beleeue that God is able to forgiue my greatest sins as well as the least yea all though bloody sinnes z Esa 1.16 18. as red as scarlet and though they be innumerable for his mercy far passeth my sinnes yea the sinnes of the whole world Great is the Hell of my sinnes saith one But greater is the depth of thy mercies O Lord. This bottomlesse deepe is not like a 2 Kin. 19.24 those pooles about Ierusalem which might bee dried vp with the tramplings of horse and horsemen but such as all the sinnes of a thousand worlds cannot drie vp Augustine I remember a speech of an ancient Father to this purpose who vpon those words of Cain My sinnes are greater then can bee forgiuen saith Thou lyest Caine the mercies of God are greater than the sinnes of all the world and no maruell for the mercy of God hath all dimensions It is so deepe that it brought vp Dauids soule from the
nethermost hell it is so high that b Ps 36.5 it reacheth to the heauens it is of such admirable length bredth that it c Ps 103.12 remoueth our fins as farre from vs as the East is from the West And the cause why the sinnes of all the world are not pardoned is not because Gods mercy cannot pardon them but because they cannot repent that they might bee pardoned So then I make no doubt but that God of his mercy is able to forgiue my sinnes bee they what they will bee yea and further vpon my vnfained repentance hee will forgiue them if I repent he will forgiue for wee cannot be so sinfull as hee will be mercifull if for our sinnes wee bee heartily sorrowfull For this hee hath promised and by this his promise is become indebted to vs whereas we onely by our sinnes were debtors to him so that now he is not only a mercifull creditor to vs content to release the debts of our sinnes but also by his promise become our debtor vpon our repentance to giue vs a pardon and vpon our pardon to giue vs heauen O vnspeakable mercy Well sure I am he is a true debtor and will pay what he hath vndertaken therefore I am perswaded hee will forgiue my sins for seeing when hee knew all the sinnes that euer I should commit hee would notwithstanding in loue send his sonne to be my Sauiour whereas he hath now by his death made full satisfaction for them shall I thinke the Lord will stick at the pardon of them Now as concerning the hardnes of my heart I see I neede the lesse to feare it in regard I haue a sight and sense thereof and vnfainedly bewaile the same For like as it is with a greene wound if it bleede well when it is made there is the lesse feare of rankling more good hope of curing so for as much as I feele my heart bleed in bewayling the hardnes of it I see there is the lesse dāger of festering inwardly to the destruction of my soule For my weaknes in the seruice of God though Sathan would hereby take occasion to keep me from the word prayer and Sacraments perswading mee that I doe but take the name of God in vaine and prophane his worship and increase my own condemnation yet I am resolued to try masteries with him and not to neglect Gods seruice and these holy exercises at any hand for if hee could once get mee at this bay hee would triumph indeed and I further consider to my comfort that God measureth the obedience yeelded to him rather by the * Deus magis delectatur affectu quam effectis desire and will to obey than by the large and exact performance thereof Though therefore I doe not all the good I would yet seeing in loue I desire to doe it and though I bee not wholly rid of all the euill I hate yet seing in hatred thereof I desire to be rid of it God will accept of that which I doe and will impute vnto me that which I desire Min. What is it else that doth disquiet your minde and interrupt your peace Con. Sometimes I feare that all the grace which I haue conceiued to bee in me Doubting proceeding from fear of hypocrisie answered and all that I do at any time in the seruice and worship of God and the holinesse which I make shew of is but all in hypocrisie which my conceit growes the stronger on mee because I see sometimes some who haue been accounted very rare Christians farre excelling mee in knowledge seeming-zeale forwardnesse and other gifts and yet haue fearefully fallen away from the grace of God and so fowly discouered themselues that it hath appeared euidently they neuer had the soundnes of grace in them Min. This is a slie temptation indeed for thus the Diuell transformes himselfe into an Angell of light as though hee loued sincerity and would haue men sincere whereas hee hates nothing more and therefore while hee thus goes about to condemne you of hypocrisie hee shewes himselfe a damned hypocrite but how deale you with this subtile suggestion Con. First I see I haue no warrant to take so neere to heart the fearefull examples of backsliding hypocrites as to question mine owne estate therefore for tho some earthy comets and muddie meteors are drawne aloft sometimes and make a great blaze than the true starres of light but after a short time vanish away yet the true stars must not therefore nor will not leaue their place or shining and though the wolues somtimes goe in sheeps clothing * Non debet ouis pellensuam deponere quod lupi aliquādo se ca cōtegāt Aug. yet must not the sheepe therefore forgoe their clothing and thinke themselues to bee wolues Secondly I consider that to see feare and shun hypocrisie is to bee sincere Whiles then I feare it I haue the lesser cause to feare the danger of it and am the further from it Thirdly I desire rather to be good than to seem to be so and to do good rather than to seeme to doe it therefore I am not an hypocrite for hee desires the contrary he lookes chiefly to the outside I to the inside to my heart I haue an eye to that to keepe it in good temper The good temper of the heart especially in two respects 1. Supple and soluble that is alwaies humble for else I cannot bee long in spirituall health and 2. alwaies hungry keeping in my heart an appetite vnto Christ by faith and vnto all good things in loue thereof and for the maintaining of my heart in this good temper I vse a daily good diet of the soule namely watchfulnes meditation prayer reading conference c. I am chiefly desirous and carefull to know how my estate indeed stands before God and therefore take paines to examine my selfe soundly and throughly and am very willing to bee tryed by others this working thorow-stitch the hypocrite cannot brooke 4. The hypocrite doth not vse to goe to God in d Mat. 6.5.6 secret by prayer when hee thinks none knowes sees or heares him and that in conscience being acquainted with the distresse of his owne soule and priuie to his owne corruptions to bewaile them to God and to cry for grace but this I doe neither yet would I haue once mentioned this my practice vnto you for feare of vaine-glory but that I now stand vpon my triall and must in this case produce all the witnesses I can Fiftly I finde in my selfe that I should bee full sorie that all should be but in hypocrisie in me O I would not for all the world it should be so yea I desire from my very heart that it may be in sincerity hereby I am perswaded that it is not in hypocrisie but in sincerity Min. You say well how else doe you withstand this temptation Con. I may perceiue in my greatest feare and doubting that some of the signes
well nigh slipt for I began to thinke that these were Gods darlings at lest my selfe none of Gods beloued ones for the rod of God is not on them but neuer off from me Min. What meanes doe you vse to be preserued against the violence of this assault Con. I presently take sanctuary and so am safe I y Ps 73.17 goe into the Sanctuary of God and consult with his word and then I vnderstand their end I see a man may goe through a faire City to execution and contrariwise through a narrow stumbling lane to a feast or coronation I see well why it is that the wicked doe so prosper and fare so well for why doe men set vp their Oxen a-fatting is it not against the day of slaughter so the z Iob. 21.30 Wicked are reserued to the day of destruction they shall bee brought forth vnto the day of wrath the seruants of God are kept at hard commons but they haue their keeping of free cost the wicked which are strangers from the wombe and none of Gods houshold haue larger cates and farre better but they shall pay sweetly for it in the end when the reckoning comes so that all things considered I see small reason why I should heaw a stumbling-blocke out of the prosperity of the wicked to my owne ouerthrow Secondly I labour in time of affliction to spie out the loue of God shining vnto mee through some little peep-hole or other at length I finde that euen then I loue God heereby I discerne that hee loues mee for so he saith a Pro. 8.17 I loue them that loue mee and indeede his loue to mee is the cause of my loue to him so that it is impossible for mee to loue him in the time of my affliction but hee must needs loue mee much more Thirdly I consider that it is for want of wit in a childe to thinke that his father cannot abide him because when need is hee vseth the rod to correct him for they which are of discretion can tell that the father loues the child neuer the worse for all that but the better yea this very dealing of God towards mee is an euident token of his loue vnto mee for b Heb. 12.6.7 whom the Lord loueth hee chasteneth and scourgeth euery sonne whom hee receiueth if therefore wee endure chastening God dealeth with vs as with sonnes for what sonne is hee whom the father chasteneth not So that the Lord commeth to me with fire in the one hand water in the other the fire of affliction to melt out the drosse of my corruptions and the cooling water of comfort and assurance of his fauour to allay the heate thereof lest I should bee ouermolten with heauinesse and sorrow but indeed sometimes he holds this behind him that I see it not but I must not bee so vnwise as to thinke because I see it not therefore hee hath it not because I see not his loue or at least not so as I would that therefore he loues mee not farre bee it from mee so to thinke though I am too ready so to thinke in my distresse but it is my infirmity For as verily as he doth afflict mee and I feele it so certainly doth hee loue mee though I feele it not Fourthly I consider that this is the cup c Mat. 26.39 27.46 which Christ himselfe dranke of hee drank it off to the very bottome which made him cry out of the bitternesse of it My God my God why hast thou forsaken me whereas I doe but drinke a littie of the vppermost but seeing Christ my Sauiour hath begun to mee therein d Mat. 20.23 needs must I pledge him though it be but to kisse the cup which is also a cup of Gods owne tempreing and therefore very good and wholsome though not so toothsome hee knowes all the ingredients perfectly that go into it and there is not one drop or dram of bitter aloes in it more than hee sees must needs bee put in or else it would do vs no good which also is skilfully corrected and sweetely qualified with those heauenly sweets that farre surpasse the hony and the hony-combe as peace of conscience tranquilty of minde patience and ioy of each a dramme and the hope of heauen a maruelous sweet thing which it selfe alone mee thinks might well allay the tartnesse and sharpnesse of affliction this is my comfort in time of griefe my friend in time of neede my best Phisicke in time of sicknesse and present remedy against all maladies and I dare vndertake that one dramme of this well taken of a sicke man shall doe him more good at heart than twenty pounds-worth of the most precious Apothecaries stuffe O it is a most soueraigne restoratiue and happy is he that is neuer without some of it in his heart It is of such singular vse at all times and vpon all occasions Now seeing afflictions are thus sweetned to vs properlie to speake they deserue no worser name than bitter-sweets whether wee respect inward distresses or outward calamities truth indeed the Lord layes more vpon some than hee doth vpon others and more vpon vs at one time than he doth at an other hee sometimes strikes an heart-veyne when an other will not serue and that wee cannot bleede well at it with godly sorrow yet this I dare auouch hee neuer puts vs to more paine than needs must for our profit and benefit Fiftly I enter into serious meditation of the manifold good which commeth by affliction according to that of the holy Prophet e Psal 119.71 It is good for me that I haue been afflicted this is the physicke that God doth minister to his seruants and it is both purging phisicke and strengthning physicke for the former of these it pleases the Lord hereby sometimes to discouer and bring to our sight the disease of some sinne wherewith wee are infected whereof wee had taken no notice before and then to bring vs to humiliation for it so to worke the remoueall thereof sometimes hee doth hereby preuent some sinne whereto hee sees vs very subiect by purging out the ill humors of self loue couetousnesse pride lukewarmnesse which else in time would break forth into dangerous yea incurable diseases and thus he works a miracle vpon vs turning the serpent sinne into the rod of affliction as f Exod. 4.4 Moses his rod was turned alas how ready are wee to run out at randome after these earthlie things to set our affections too much vpon them and to be taken vp too much with them to grow not onely wanton but euen wilde with the things here below and how easie a matter is it for a man to lose both himselfe and heauen too in running vp and downe in the maze of this sinfull world which that we may not doe the Lord that good Sheepherd vseth his g Ps 23.4 rod and staffe when wee straggle too farre on the pleasant green pastures of worldly
wee know that sicke folkes are not competent or meet iudges of themselues for they sometimes feele nothing but paine or sicknesse whereas others know that there is in them more health then sicknesse or at least some health Minist Now then to come to your selfe for it is the part of euery wise man to be best acquainted with his own estate Let mee a little examine your Euidences haue you some good assurance that you shall bee saued Con. Yes I praise God else how could I haue any comfort else my very meat should be turned into gall teares should bee my drinke well might my eyes refuse all rest and my soule all comfort knowing none other but that I should p Iob. 18.14 goe to the king of feare into a Land darke as darknesse it selfe And sure I am that the q Mark 8 36. whole World with the r Eccles 2.11 best of all earthly things cannot affoord true sound and substantiall comfort to the quieting of the conscience reioycing of the heart Min. How doe you know that you shall bee saued Con. First by that mother-grace from whence all other sauing graces flow namely true iustifying faith a sparke of this pious faith I find is kindled in me whereupon this I build GOD hath promised The first signe of saluation taken out of Iohn 3.36 that hee which beleeueth shall be saued Now then seeing I belieue that is am truly perswaded that Christ is my Sauiour that hee died for my sinnes and fulfilled the Law to procure mee perfect righteousnes therefore I know I shall be saued Min. It is nothing to say you beleeue but let mee heare if you can proue it how know you that yours is true faith and not meere mocke-faith which is so rife in the world Con. Because it hath beene rightly bred and begotten in me and that by the spirituall seede of Gods word according to that saying of the Apostle f Rom. â—0 17 Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God Thus then I came by Faith first by hearing the doctrine of the Law preached I saw my selfe to be in a damnable conditioÌ„ by nature a wretched sinner yea wholly sinful and therefore accursed by the iust sentence of Gods most righteous Law deseruing nothing but the horrible wrath of God and lying open to the vengeance of eternal fire so that there was nothing betweene me and hell but onely a poore simple crasie tottering life which I knew not how soone or suddenly it might be surprised by death the consideration whereof wrought in mee terror of conscience dread of hell and condemnation despairing of any hope or helpe in my selfe Min. And what then did you rest quiet in the sight of this your wofull miserie Con. Oh it was not possible my poor distressed soule should find any rest in this estate nay if I had heard no better tidings I should haue bin swallowed vp of despair but then in the next place I came * This is the cape of good hope in sayling to heauen to vnderstand that God hath anointed and sent his own sonne to t Isa 61.1 Luk. 4.18 preach good tidings vnto the poore recouering of sight to the blind to binde vp the broken hearted and set at liberty such as are bruised more plainly I learned by the doctrine of the Gospell that God of his rich mercie hath giuen his sonne Christ Iesus very God and man to be a Sauiour vnto sinfull men euen to as many as beleeue in him and hath u Ioh. 3.16 not excluded mee out of the number of those that shall be saued by him but hath offered him vnto mee amongst others which are weary and heauy laden with their sins saying * Mat. 11.28 Come vnto mee all euen all such and hath also x Ioh. 3.23 commanded yea euen y Cor. 5.20 intreated mee to beleiue in him Thus my heart was drawne and wonne to take him and apply him a Sauiour to my owne soule thinking my selfe bound in conscience to yeeld obedience to the holy commandement and gracious inuitation of Almighty God and what a beast were I if I should not accept of so free a profer of his Sonne as he hath made vnto me Min. Thus you haue shewed mee well how you came by faith and I see you haue come honestly by it whereby it appeares that it is not like Iacobs venison too quicklie found to bee of the right kinde nor like Ionahs gourd too suddenlie sprung to continue long but like the z 2 Sam. 23.15 16. water of Bethlehem much longed for hardly obtained now shew mee further how you vse it since you got it what fruites doth it bring forth whereby you may know more easily whether it be true and a 1 Tim. 1.5 Faith vnfained Con. As fire may bee discerned by heat 6 Notes of true faith and life by motion so may my faith by the fruites thereof For first it enableth me to b Eph. 6.16 quench the fierie darts of that euil one to resist not without some comfortable victories the suggestions of Sathan wherwith he buffets me and more particularly that same temptation of doubting whether the promises of God belong to me or no for that I am not ouercome of this doubting and sunke vnder it but struggle and wrestle with it and with vnbeliefe that is by the power of faith Secondly it makes mee earnestly desire to bee more and more reconciled to God that is more fullie assured of his fauour that I am at peace with him and hee well pleased with mee to whom by nature I was an vtter enemy it makes mee crie c Ps 106.4 remember mee O Lord with the fauour of thy people d Ps 84.5 release thy anger toward mee turne thy fac vnto mee e Ps 31.16 cause thy face to shine vnto thy seruant and saue mee through thy mercy Thirdly my faith makes mee labour to please God though it bee with displeasing my selfe and to doe the will of God yea eueÌ„ in those things which crosse my owne will as it caused Abraham to f Gen. 22.10 offer his dearely beloued Isaac though otherwise it would haue gone ful sore against his heart and heereby Enoch was g Heb. 11.5 reported of that had had pleased God Fourthly by it my heart is in some measure purified from noysome lusts and affections as secret pride selfe-loue hypocrisie carnal confidence wrath malice and the like in that they are distastfull yea loathsome to mee so that the spirit within me fighteth against the flesh that is grace resisteth and subdueth corruption Fiftly it makes me long after Christ to tast more fully of his sweetnesse and to bee h Can. 1.2 kissed with the kisses of his mouth that is to haue a greater measure of heauenly graces and greater and more liuely tokens of his loue communicated to mee whom and whose loue I do preferre aboue the