Spirit but with worldly businesse or company when I do grieve for my sins carnal grief bears a share in it and carnal joy abolisheth it Meditat. VIII To confesse my sinnes without any sense of them without any hatred of them to pray for grace and not to be sensible of the necessity or excellency of it to come to thine Ordinances without reaping any good from them to think and meditate of thee and neither admire nor love thee nor long and delight to be in thy company to what purpose are these things thou desirest of us our hearts and not our works words or thoughts without that Ah my Lord and my God shall all be in vain and wilt thou cast me off for ever Dost thou hate my soul and am I an abomination unto thee Must I be shut out for ever and never enjoy the sweetnesse of thy presence Thou wilt not O my God thou wilt not thou canst not O my God thou canst not for thou hast made a Covenant with me and I claim that Covenant for I have not any thing in the world besides thy Covenant in the Lord Jesus Christ that I can so much as have the least hope that will do me any good If the Lord Jesus Christ did not sit at thy right hand to make Intercession for me my sins continually daily hourly clamoring against me and accusing of me must needs prevail against me Alas my heart is far from that spiritual frame that thou requirest for the miseries that sinne brings are more troublesome and heavy to me then the filthiness that is in sinne Thy blessings are more lovely in our eyes then thy self Every duty hardens me in my formality Lord thou art the Father of mercies oh have mercy upon me for my case is not the common case of thy people but few few of many may be found whose soul is like my poor soul for where is there any that can say so and yet be so little affected as I am Meditat. IX Mine hopes are false and my fears are true the deadliest poysons do not make me sick nor the excellentest cordials do not comfort me I am not sick of sinne nor doth the Sacrament of the body and bloud of Christ fill me with joy nay rather doth it not fill me with griefs and fears If my sears and griefs were not carnall would they were more but my carnall joys eat out my spirituall grief and my joys also I am as it were like Absalom I hang between heaven and earth I would fain have heaven and yet would not part with earth Oh my Lord Jesus Christ art thou of no more excellency in mine eyes Doth thy love to me raise up no more love in me then to stand deliberating what to do when thou standest with stretched out arms to receive me to thy bosome Canst thou love one that loves thee so little as I do Thou didst love me when I loved thee not at all Why sittest thou so sad O my soul Go cast thy self into the armes and bosome of the Lord Jesus Christ there lie and hear the beatings of his heart toward thee and it may be thou maist be warmed with the heat of his love Christ pours out the boyling streams of his heart-bloud upon thy poor soul for his heart boyled in love towards thee and can thine heart still be frozen Oh Infidelity thou art the poyson of my soul thou with thy cold blasts hast frozen mine heart and keepst it so Lord give me faith or else all thy mercies are in vain Thy love is and hath been too great for me to beleeve Lord thou that lovest me so much as to give me Christ oh love me so much as to give me faith to beleeve it There remains in mine heart no more then the first spark of thy love and the first principle of grace that thou didst put into my soul when thou didst regenerate me All the flames are gone out that were once kindled in me All the fruit and leaves and boughs are stript from me there are all things to do beside bare regeneration I am as an arm cut off so that it hangs only by a little skin a slender thread Lord this is my hope that my corruptions and Satan that have quenched these flames that I have had shall never be able to quench this spark But alas that is a poor comfort that this is all my comfort that I shall not lose heaven though it be a thousand times too great a comfort for such a wretched sinner as I am to have Is it nothing to lose all my comforts all my duties all my sweet communion with thee or at least only so much of these remains as to keep me from being utterly cast off For one that had fared deliciously every day to come to have no more bread then to keep life and soul together though he dies not yet he hath a miserable life Thus thus and far worse it is with me Meditat. X. If I stood clear before thee O my God of those many sins of sencelesnesse under judgements fruitlesnesse under Ordinances mispending of time want of watchfulnesse of mien own waies and for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ Only my sinnes of unkindenesse to the Lord Jesus Christ were enough to cause thee to take away thy mercies from me I have heard and read the great mystery of my Redemption of his being scourged and crowned and nailed of his bleeding and dying for me of his great love and such things that if a Friend of this world had done or suffered the thousandth part so much his memory would have been precious Meditat. XI Ah my dear God thou hast been my God and therefore thou art my God how little can my soul know by any thing that I now either do or feel I am fain to fetch evidences and signs from actions done many years since My Praiers and other holy duties were matter of more joy when I did them then now they have terrour in them Now I think I do them not as heretofore I have been assisted by thy grace oh my lost joys and my lost duties where I shall finde you I know not the joys I had formerly and the great zeal of mine heart made me pray but now not out of feeling and zeal but for zeal and joy and I go from praier with a sad heart and an hard heart My praiers come neither from my heart nor reach to my heart Oh my Lord Jesus Christ where are thy motions and the joys of thy Spirit to work thine own work in me why do I walk in this valley of tears not only without comfort but without grace I do even stand astonisht at my self to see the vast difference between my self now and when I was thine When the Candle of the Almighty shone upon my soul and the Spirit of my God dwelt in me then sorrow and weeping flew away Alas I now have scarce any thing left me but
oftner I have not enough delighted in that duty 'T is strange that that which is the happinesse of heaven I should finde so little delight in well for this next Moneth I will spend one hour a week in meditating upon the mercies and love of God His mercies are enough and great enough surely to take up so much time for in heaven Eternity is little enough to admire them Conclusion 1. Pray desire God that he would by his Spirit blow these coals of mercies that he may enflame thy heart with love and joy and praise of him alas otherwise the judgements of God will not affect us nor the mercies of God enflame us 't is the Spirit that quickeneth else mercies will not profit 2. Praise God Call upon thy soul again and again awaken thy heart let it not be so drowsie at a work of so great importance 3. Acknowledge that were thy heart ought thy mouth and thy heart would be filled with the praises of God acknowledge that is no want of matter and motives of praise in the truths which thou hast considered but thy heart is so dead that nothing almost will work upon it After the Meditation is ended think with thy self what truths did most affect thee c. 2. Write down thy resolution c. 3. Go unwillingly from this duty MEDITAT III. Of Sin 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Desire God to assist thee in this Meditation Considerations 1. Consider seriously how much God abhors sinne and how odious it is to him this you may see both by what God hath said and what God hath done to shew the abhorrence of it 2. Sinners it is said that God loatheth them and they lothe God Zec. 11.8 and God by his Prophet crieth out saying O do not this abominable thing which I hate How often doth God professe his hatred of sinne if one should spit in a mans face or lay toads or Serpents in his bosome or whatsoever you could imagine it could not be so abominable to him as sinne is to God he hates it more then we hate hell how can we know any ones hatred of any thing but by his expressions and his actions suppose you should see one take some curious costly or rare dish of meat which he loved above any meat in the world and because there was some small crum of another meat which he had an antipathy against he should fling all with violence and detestation away were not this enough to satisfie you that he abhorred that meat a crum whereof made him abhor that which he so much loved Suppose you should see one take a Watch whose wheels and all the rest were cut out of intire Diamonds and spying some little small and almost indiscernable spider in it should fling it to the ground with so much violence that he should break it all to peeces it would evidently argue how much he detested a spider What excellent Creatures are Angels and yet because a sinne though but of thought was found in them how doth it cast them like lightning into hell Suppose further thou shouldst see the meekest wisest man and lovingst Father in the world taking his Son and scourging of him with rod after rod until that he wereall of gore bloud from head to foot and though he cried out and begged of his Father to spare yet he would not spare him but scourged him to death Would you not say that the Sonne had done somewhat that the Father did wonderfully abhor Hath not God dealt thus with Christ Did he not chastise him until he shed bloud from the Crown of the head to the sole of the feet Did not Christ die under his correcting hand Did not Christ cry out again and again Father if it be possible let this cup passe from me And did he not love Christ more then any Father loved his Sonne and all this because Christ was guilty of sinne though but as a Surety these things are not inventions of wit or rhetorick but reall truths If the destroying of Sodom Gomorrha Jerusalem Angels and the most part of Adams posterity and the whole world save eight persons If the Sufferings of Christ be not enough to satisfie thee of Gods hatred of sinne then thou maist go on to thy own destruction but know this that it will be bitternesse at the last 2. Consider what thou dost when thou sinnest every sinner doth virtually put heaven and Christ and God and his favour and loving kindenesse and all his promises in one scale and that pleasure profit or honour which sinne promiseth with a wounded conscience the torments of hell the wrath of God in the other scale and doubtlesse virtually a sinner choosech sinne with all these mischiefs before the service of God with all his mercies It is as if a sinner should say Rather then I will not satisfie my base lust I will part with God with Christ with heaven and all I will suffer his wrath let God do his worst I will have my will Every obstinate sinner doth in his heart say thus and though now thou little imaginest it yet at the day of judgement this will be made as manifest to thee as if it were writ with a beam of the Sunne Things that now seem lesse consequent shall then be made evident A wicked wretch that sees one of Gods people hungry naked imprisoned and doth not relieve him he little thinks that is all one as if he had seen Christ so and not reliev'd him but at the day of judgement Christ will make it manifest unto him 3. Consider how often thou hast sinned against God Every unconverted man doth nothing else his plowing is an abomination all his imaginations are only evil and that continually Nay though thou art one of Gods people yet David cries out that his sinnes are more in number then the hairs of his head and dost thou think thy sinnes are fewer then Davids How many years hast thou lived how many daies hours minutes thy sinnes are more The Hour-glasse that runs hath not so many sands in it as the sinnes that thou committest in that hour If thou dost not beleeve this consider that there is not one of thy thoughts words actions but is polluted with abundance of sins If thou saist Our Father since thou dost not speak it with that reverence attention fervency faith love joy confidence admiration of his goodness and many other which we are engaged to have when we call God by the Name of Father thou becomest guilty of all the contrary sins and many more that are not named in speaking that one word in thy prayer not as thou oughtst Fear not making thy sinnes seem greater or more than they are 4. Consider further for what trifling vanity nay for what base things that thou wilt be ashamed to own before men thou hast lost God lost thine own soul if thou returnest not and hast brought on thy self more miseries than
methods fright the ignorant 1. This is the very method of those Meditations by which every one that is brought home to God is converted For the first thing in conversion is our being convinced of some Truths which conviction raiseth affections for if the truths of God end in conviction and go no further nay if they end in affections only and never come to resolutions of shunning evil and doing good conversion can never be perfected as for example One is convinced that he is a miserable undone wretch by reason of originall and actuall abomination Upon this conviction fear and sorrow are raised yet if these do not work in us a firm resolution of leaving those sinnes we are yet in our sinnes and unconverted 3. There are severall things for the concluding of Meditation as shall appear CHAP. V. Directions for the working of our hearts to be convinced of and affectedwith the presence of God 1. FOR being convinced of and affected with the presence of God it may thus be wrought 1. We are to consider that God is present every where as truly really and essentially as he is in heaven For God did not create heaven to confine him but to manifest his presence for the Heaven of Heavens are not able to contain him for God is neither included by nor excluded from any place and though Jacob saith Surely the Lord was in this place and I knew it not Gen. 28.16 yet we must not imagine that Jacob was ignorant of that truth but did not actually consider it but David in the 139. Psalm is clear in explaining and clearing up the omnipresence of God 2. We must consider that God doth more peculiarly observe his people while they are performing of heavenly duties whether it be while they are speaking unto him or he speaking unto them he doth then more especially observe the motion and frame of their hearts as when we are in any company we do more especially look upon and observe those to whom we speak or who speak to us yet this is to be understood not as if God did observe us more at one time then another in respect of Gods knowledge it self but thus that God is much more offended with us if our carriage and frame of heart be more irreverent and unholy in the time of prayer and Meditation then at such times as we are in the works of our particular calling 3. We may consider with our selves that Christ doth actually behold us especially in these duties of holinesse for it is not the distance of place that doth hin-Christs knowledge and exact observing of us Little did Nathanael think that Christ saw him under the Fig-tree Nathanael did not see Christ nor was he corporally present then yet Christ behold Nathanael when he praied so Christ beheld Steven before the heavens were opened and the opening of the heavens was not that thereby Christ might be enabled the better to behold Steven but that Steven might thereby be the better enabled to see that Christ looked on him without all controversie God knows and observes with what reverence faith love c. we pray for else our praiers would be in vain and our faith also vain for how could he give us according to our faith if he knew not how much our faith were If the inward frame of our hearts were not observed by him then an hypocrite that hath better expressions should get more by his prayers then a true Nathanael that hath a better heart 4. Suppose that thou hadst lived in Christs time or suppose that Christ were now in England consider with what joy reverence and confidence thou wouldest go to him for the pardon of thy sins or for any other mercy thou stoodst in need of Thou maist go so to him now his distance from thee in respect of corporall presence doth not make him lesse able to know thy wants or hear thy praiers nor his being now glorified makes him lesse willing to grant them then if he were bodily present in the room with thee in the form of a Servant as he was once at Jerusalem the glory of Christ doth not hinder his love and goodnesse for Chtist is the expresse image of his Father and God Attributes do not hinder one another The Majesty of God doth not set bounds unto his goodnesse and make that finite nor doth his goodnesse make his Majesty lesse glorious his goodnesse makes his Majesty more amiable and his Majesty makes his goodnesse more wonderfull So neither doth the exaltation of Christ cause him to abate any thing of his goodnesse unto his people but if any way his love be altered it is by being made more then it was and when Christ was upon earth you must have come to him by faith or you could obtain no mercy from him and by faith though he be in heaven you may obtain any mercy now You may consider any one or two or more of these considerations until your heart be so convinced of and affected with the presence of God that you may thereby be the better fitted for the carrying on the duty of Meditation more effectually CHAP. VI. Concerning the Preparatory Praier that is to be used before Meditation THE next Preparatory consideration is Praier and it is to be performed in these words or to like purpose Lord my designe in this duty of Meditation is not to be an hour sequestred from worldly employments for that were to be idle an hour and to encrease my sinnes not my graces but my businesse at this time is to be so convinced and affected with those spirituall Truths revealed in thy Word that I may fully resolve by thy strength and power to reform my life because I can neither understand the things that belong to my peace nor understanding them be convinced of the certainty and truth of them Nay Lord though my understanding be enlightened yet without thee mine affections cannot be enflamed I can neither know resolve nor perrform what is good without thee for from thee comes both the will and the deed of thy good pleasure I beseech thee Lord that thou wouldest give me thy grace to make conscience of performing this duty with my whole strength and not carelesly and perfunctorily And Lord do thou enlighten me with and convince me of thy Truths and so affect my heart with the love of holinesse and hatred of sinne c. that I may thereby be enabled fully firmly notwithstanding all the opposition that the flesh world or devil can make to run the waies of thy Commandements with joy and with speed and when thou hast wrought in me the will so to do give me also the deed and that I may not trust to the strength of my resolutions but to the continuall gracious assistance of thy Spirit for the performance of those things that through thee I shall resolve to do Holy and blessed God Christ hath sent me wishing me to come to thee in his Name for any mercies
I should perish make the cords of thine afflictions stronger and if I murmure scourge me while I leave murmuring How true do I finde that saying He that injures forgives not My wickednesse I have committed against thee makes me not able to beleeve almost that thou art or canst be reconciled unto me When I should do more for thee and lesse against thee I shall easilier beleeve thy loves or rather when thy spirit shall shed abroad thy love in my heart I shall know thou lovest me I sigh and mourn and weep over my poor soul but cannot help it Dear Lord Let my tears prevail with thee Pity Pity have Pity upon a poor languishing soul that is even gasping out its last breath It grieves me to see what a sad condition I am in I am not yet in hell and by thy mercy I may never come thither but I am running headlong thither Wo is me that I am constrained to live in Mesech and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar Meditat. XXX Lord I pray for mercies and when I have them to see the unsuitablenesse of my spirit to them and mine unthankfulnesse for them brings more sadnesse upon me then to want them All the things I begged of thee for temporall mercies both in carrying me forth and bringing me home and concerning my businesse I went about not finding things in such a sad condition at home yet my heart is the same still as hard and as stony not willing to yeeld it self and all up to thee as if I were more able to order matters then thou Now my heart is subject to murmure that it is so hard when it should mourn Lord thou hast done enough to justifie thy love and thy tender compassions to me if thou shouldest never do more and not only thy justice could not be blamed but not thy mercy My dear God let me not die in thine arms of love except I must die and then let me die in thine arms Meditat. XXXI Accept of my poor praiers and when at the last day when the secrets of all hearts shall be known the hypocrisie and coldness of my desires shall be known and thy goodnesse shall be admired in hearing such praiers as mine are For the light of thy countenance to shine upon and the breathings of thy Spirit to blow upon a garden of Spices is not so much for the advancement of thy free-grace as for thee to shine upon and thy Spirit to breathe upon such a dunghill as I am that sends forth such noisome savours as I do Lord if thou wilt be my God I have a body and a soul I will give thee them 'T is true they are thine already but alas if I had any thing to give that were not thine I would but I have not Meditat. XXXII Lord I wait to see the day of my salvation and the hour when thou wilt shew me thy loves and when I shall lie in thy bosome and arms and hear the beatings of thy heart in love and the soundings of thy bowels towards me and know thine everlasting thoughts of love to me when thou shalt seal the pardon of my sinnes to me and make me reade the counterpain of the Covenant of love between thee and me which thou reservest in heaven and is fair and not blotted as mine is and when shall the day of the love and joys of my espousals return and my thoughts be swallowed up in love Lord why shouldst thou withhold thy love the manifestations of thy love Can thy love love to be concealed from thy Beloved I will wait for the discoveries of thy love I am loth to do any thing before thou comest whom my soul loveth for fear thou shouldest come when I am not looking for thee and thou escapest me I look every praier to see thee come leaping on the mountains and skipping upon the hils as a Row or an Hinde But I see thee not why dost thou put a spark of love into my heart If thou wilt leave me why didst thou cast thy mantle upon me and when I follow after thee say what hast thou done thy loves are better then wine sweeter then honey even more to be desired then life it self Lord if the small sparks and relishes of thy love be so sweet to me what will the feeding on this heavenly manna be If a drop of thy love be so sweet what will the overflowings be If thy smiles bring so much joy what will thy embraces do Lord I long till I am undone with thy love All my carnall and worldly joys undone Lord it is not my unworthinesse that should hinder me nor will hinder thee from bestowing Lord help my unbelief Well Lord if I must walk in darknesse and see no light yet give me thy grace that I may stay my self upon thee my God my life is but short and when the hour of my departure shall come then I shall enjoy him whom my soul loveth and know as I am known then I shall forget the sorrows pains and throws of my travell for the joy that shall be revealed My Bride saith come and the Spirit saith Come Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Meditat. XXXIII I wait for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ if thy love be as fire in straw or such like matter lie smoaking and makes ones eyes weep while one strives to finde the fire At last it being able to hold no longer breaks forth into a great flame and the longer it is before it discovers it self the greater is the flame and light when they do break forth Lord whilest I am looking for thy love thou makest me weary let the length of thy stay be made up by the fulnesse of thy presence and greatnesse of thy manifestations when thou comest I seek thee in my praiers and I say O where art thou whom my soul loveth and yet thou sendest me away weeping and mourning I seek on my bed when I awake in the night but I finde thee not I speak with those which have found thee and they tell me nay I know it by thy Word that thou art near to every soul that seeks thee and when a poor soul cries thou wilt answer it then I multiply my praiers and call lowder and yet my praiers are as the winde that passeth away and returns no more O my Lord and my God thy love was strong enough to make thee suffer and thou didst die that thou mightest make known and commend thy love unto the Sonnes of men and now thou hast done all this to manifest thy love and wilt thou hide it from me creature-Creature-love hath wrought strange things in me I have never been weary of their discourses and humane learning how hath it made me ravisht with some learned saying and if thou wouldest discover thy love and shed that abroad in my heart certainly it would work wonders For the Creatures flames of love are but as a blaze that straw makes but is
spiritual distemper or temptation or almost any thing of that nature we retire our selves and powr out our souls in Prayers Soliloquies c. which may not but in a very large sense be called prayer being mixt of such various and different parts sometimes speaking to God and telling him how we stand affected to him and his Ordinances sometimes speaking to our own soul chiding encouraging or instructing of it Sometimes speaking to our selves what we resolve to doe what we intend to say to God c. all these you may finde in Psa 42. and many more of that nature both in that and other Psalmes which may not properly be called prayers but solemn occasional Meditations and the occasions of those Meditations are set down ofttimes in the beginning of the Psalme and they differ from those occasional Meditations of which I spoke in the beginning of this Chapter only in their duration and solemnity as solemn praiers do from ejaculatory prayers and to set down any method for these is not convenient because they observe no method and differ very little in any thing else from that kinde of Meditation for which in this Treatise Directions and Instances are largely set down yet I thought good to set down several Instances of this kinde of Meditations having them by me being taken from one who I suppose little thought that any besides God and himself knew what he said 3. The third kinde of solemn Meditation are those that are upon Scripture the directions for that kinde of Meditation I have particularly set down in a little Manuall entituled A Directory to Christian Perfection and have pursued those Directions in one instance set down in this Treatise and would have set down more but that I was not willing it should swell above the bignesse of a small Manuall 4. The fourth and last kinde of Meditation is upon some practicall truth of Religon many directions for which and many instances of which are set down in this Treatise CHAP. II. That Meditation is a Duty THat this is a duty is evident 1. From the practice of Gods people Gen. 24.63 that this was a solemn Meditation is evident because he went out into the fields to perform it and had no other businesse there but this 'T is not said when he was in the field he meditated as if it were occasionall but to shew that it was a set duty 't is said that he went out to meditate 2. 'T is commanded Josh 1.8 and this duty of Meditation is set down as a chief means sanctified of God for the keeping of the Law 3. It is as a Characteristical difference between a wicked man and a Saint 4. To consider in Scripture and to meditate are Synonima's and the necessity of it appears in this because that the cause of sinne is the want of consideration and not want of knowledge Isa 1.3 and 't is not much for us to hear Sermons nay though we be never so attentive it will not serve the turn Psa 45.10 It is more then to know for who is there almost in the world that knows not that he must die but how few are there that consider it Deu. 32.29 5. The necessity of Meditation appears in this that no man is converted without Meditation for every one that is converted the method is this 1. He hears the Truths of God 2. He is convinced of them 3. He considers and meditates upon them and sees how much they concern him 4. He is affected with them 5. Being thus affected it raiseth holy resolutions of better obedience But it will be Objected alas I am not Book-learned how shall I perform this duty of Meditation This is rather for Ministers c. Ans I may say of Meditation as 't is said of the Mathematicks He that is a rational man and doth but improve his reason though he hath neither tongues nor arts to help him may understand and grow to an extraordinary excellency in those Arts So he that hath grace if he do but exercise and improve it though he hath not learning will excell the learnedest man in the world that hath not grace in the duty of Meditation 't is not learning but devotion that enables a man to this duty 2. Can a man be a blessed man without Learning then he may meditate without it Psa 1.2 Ob. But 't is a very hard Duty Ans 1. That shews it to be an excellent duty for the harder any duty is the more excellent the hardnesse consists in this that 't is contrary to our corruptions and the more contrary any thing is to that which is bad 't is so much the better 2. Can you expect any duty should be easie at first Is there any thing so of temporall things which are of any excellency as Writing Playing on the Lute c 3. Because 't is so powerfull to mortifie corruptions sweet things nourish and bitter things purge therefore if you will only perform those duties that are delightfull they will nourish not purge out corruption 4. Get but your hearts inflamed with the love of God then this duty will not only be easie and delightful but it will be a duty that you cannot tell almost how to avoid for it is as hard not to think of what one loves as to think of what one hates Bid the covetous man not think of his money or bid him think of the things of God and he will finde an equall difficulty in both Indeed the love of God and desire of heavenly things are got by Meditation but when once our hearts are enflamed by Meditation then our Meditations are inflamed by love As an Oven is first heated by fewell and then it sets the sewell on fire and as with the fewel you must put in fire and blow it but afterwards it kindles of it self so the difficulty of Meditation is at first when there is but as it were a spark of love in the heart it will cost him some pains by meditation to blow it up to a flame but afterwards the heart will be so heated with these flames of love that it will so inflame all the thoughts that it will make us not only easily but necessarily to meditate on the things of God 5. The people of God generally have found a great deale of difficulty in praying without a form at first Many godly Ministers us'd a set Form Form of Prayer before their Sermons not many years since and when they and private Christians came to pray at first without a Form they found a strangenesse and an unreadinesse thereunto So it is in Meditation Christians being not us'd to it it will seem a strange and difficult work unto them but I may say of it as it is said of the yoke of Christ Grave cùm tollis suavè cùm tuleris thou wilt finde it very delightfull or at least very profitable Ob. But if it be such a necessary duty how comes it to pass that it hath been
so generally neglected by the peo-ple of God Ans It hath been practised by the people of God both in Scripture as is proved and it is evident that the Psalmes of David are frequently nothing but Meditations though not in this method and by many in our daies 2. It being a private Closet-duty the omission nor performance of it could be taken notice of and so the omission of it could not be reproved nor performance observed 3. The Directions and Instructions for Meditation have been generally very abstruse and intricate CHAP. III. Preparatory Directions concerning some Circumstances belonging to Meditation 1. FOR the place that must be private remote from company and noise Isaac went into the fields our Saviour into a garden and David wisheth us to enter into our Chamber and be still Psa 4.4 and our Saviour bids us enter into our Closet and shut the door the place must be such as must be remote from noise and company or any thing which might distract us in the duty and such a place that we may not be interrupted or forced to break off before the duty be ended it must be also private and remote from the observation of others so that we may neither be heard nor seen because there are divers gestures and expressions which are not convenient for any one but God and ones own soul to be privy to Which of those places you finde to be most advantagious to you in the matters of Meditation you may choose 2. For the Time when The best is in the morning 1. Because it is the first-fruits of the day and the first-fruits being holy all the rest are sanctified 2. Because our thoughts being then not soyled with worldly businesse will not be so subject to be distracted 3. Because the body it self is more serene then after meals and this duty needs an empty stomack not only because the head will be more clear and fit for Meditation but also because many passages of Meditation require so much intention of the minde and servency of affection that they do hinder digestion 4. Because that it being in the morning will have an influence upon the whole day but this is not an universall rule for we reade that Isaac went forth in the evening to meditate Gen. 24.63 and in case the subject of your Meditation be a Sermon then if it may be the best time is immediatly after the hearing of it before your affections cool or your memory fail you 2. For the how long considering the parts of Meditation are so many viz. preparation considerations affections resolutions c. and none of them are to be past slightly over for affections are not quickly raised nor are we to cease blowing the fire as soon as ever it begin to flame until it be well kindled half an hour may be thought to be the least for beginners and an hour for those that are versed in this duty But there are two rules in this particular especially to be observed 1. That as we ought not to leave off our praiers before that temper and frame of heart is wrought which is sutable to the matter of our prayers viz. we should not leave off the confession of sinne till our hearts are made sensible of and humble for our sinnes nor should we leave off our praises until our hearts are filled with holy admirings and adorings of God and inflamed with his love So the end of Meditation being affections and resolutions we should not leave off until those are wrought 2. As in private prayer so long as we finde our hearts enlarged by the pourings of the Spirit of Supplication upon us we are not to leave off unlesse by our continuance in that duty we must omit another duty to which we were more particularly obliged at that time So in Meditation as long as we finde the heart affected we are to continue it But this Caution must be given that in such enlargements we must not continue them longer generally then while they come freely and without much straining and compulsion for that honey that comes freely of it self from the comb is pure but that which is forced by heat and pressure is not so well rellished but this Caution is for extraordinary enlargements for if the heart be dead we must use all means to awaken it But as fire must be blown till it be well kindled but afterwards blowing hinders the boyling of any thing that is set over it So when once our hearts are inflamed and enlarged with holy affections in an extraordinary manner 't is but a hinderance to our affections to return to the Meditation of those Points that raised them CHAP. IV. Rules for the Subject The Division of and Reasons for this Method of Meditation 1. BY no means let it be Controversie for that will turn Meditation into Study 2. Nor nice speculations for they be saplesse without nourishment besides being so light they float in the brain having no weight to sink them down into the heart and indeed were they there they have nothing in them to affect the heart withall 3. Let the Subject of Meditation be the plainest powerfullest and usefullest Truths of God as death hell heaven judgement mercies of God our own sinnes the Love and Sufferings of Christ c. 4. Let the Subject of your Meditation be that that is most sutable to your spirituall wants as in the time of desertion meditate most of the love and mercies of God c. Rules for Meditation it self they are of three sorts 1. Preparatory 2. For the body of the duty 3. For the Conclusion Two things by way of preparation besides the choice of the Subject the first is to be convinced of and to be affected with the presence of God The second is praier for assistance from God 2. For the body of Meditation it self it consists of three parts The first I call Consideration which is nothing but the convincing our hearts of severall Truths that belong to that Subject whereof we meditate As as if the subject of our Meditation be death the considerations may go thus alas O my Soul how and when and where we shall die we know not generally men die sooner then they expect and certain it is whensoever that hour comes we must bid adieu to honours pleasures riches friends and at last our own bodies c. The second part is affections whether it be love of God or Christ or spirituall things despising of the world admiring of God or any other spiritual affection The third part are Resolutions to doe this or that or leave this or that Now that this is the most proper and genuine way of Meditation appears by this 1. Because it is not artificiall and such as requires Learning as those Directions are which wish us to consider the efficient finall formall materiall cause of death the adjuncts concomitants c. which though they may somewhat help the learned yet such hard words and artificial
for one that is very poor to give The next Rule is Let this penalty be alwaies of something that is materially good as giving to the poor spending some time in reading of Scripture for as for Popish penances as whipping Pilgrimages and such like they are unprofitable and ridiculous The next Rule is Let this penalty be alwaies some holy duty that is most contrary to thy Master sin as if thy Master sin be Covetousnesse let it be almes if it be voluptuousnesse let it be fasting with praier or abstaining wholly for a time from that wherein thou most delightest c. The next Rule is Let your Vows be rather against the outward then the inward acts of sin rather against speaking angrily then being angry for though inward acts of sinne are worse yet they are not so much in our power The next Rule is If your Vows are concerning doing holy duties it is better to vow to spend so much time in reading holy Scripture or such like then to vow to reade so many Chapters for thou wilt be tempted to reade them over too fast that thou maist have ended whereas if it be so much time that thou hast resolved to spend thou wilt not be so subject to this temptation CHAP. XI Rules for the concluding of Meditation 1. THou art earnestly to beg of God strength to perform whatever thou hast resolved to do in his service This must be done fervently though briefly and humbly proceeding from an earnest desire to do what thou hast promised and resolved and also from an humble sense of thine inability to perform it 2. The second duty is thanksgiving if thou shalt perceive any heavenly warmth of love or spiritual hatred of sin or any other spiritual effect wrought in thy heart thou art to give God the glory and not to rejoyce in thy self but in the Lord but thou art to rejoyce with trembling knowing that if thou art puft up though thou hast the will to do good wrought in thee yet if thou provokest him he can stop it that thou shalt never be able to do what thou resolvest to do The first is an humble acknowledgement of our failings in the performing of this duty For if we were not geeen wood that love which is now but a spark would have been a flame God is not wanting unto us but we are wanting to our selves and him After these are performed there remaineth three duties more 1. We are to remember what Vows and promises we have made and it is very useful to write down all thy Vows as thou makest them in a Book because that we shall else be subject to forget the Vow or the time or conditions upon which we made it And it is good to have a Book to keep a Register of things in it besides a Diary which I have spoken of and given Rules for in a Manuall entituled A Directory to Christian Perfection 1. Let one head be for which you are to leave some leaves for Vows under which you must write all your Vows or Resolutions as you make them or spiritual promises for Christians and such like The second must be for the mercies of God eminent deliverances and also answers of Praiers These are to be set down with all pertinent circumstances that may any way encrease the mercy The third head should be for grosser failings which were good to be writ down not in letters at length that every one may reade them but in characters known only to our selves There are other things which because I do not now speak purposely of that businesse I omit The second thing after Meditation is ended is to remember what passages in our Meditation did most affect us and as it were to lay them up in our thoughts that frequently we may in the rest of the day think of them As when we walk in a garden we content not our selves with enjoying the fragrancy of the flowers while we are there but if we may have leave we often gather a Nosegay to smell of the rest of the day In this businesse of Meditation do thou likewise The third duty after Meditation is by degrees warily and unwillingly to go out of the presence of God to worldly emploiments Do not go from the presence of God as a bird out of the snare with joy and with speed And thou must go also watchfully and warily from such emploiments as one that carries some precious liquor in a shallow broad brittle dish he looks to his way to the dish and liquor that is in it lest by holding of it awry by fals or stumblings he should spill the one or break the other So must thou be watchfull over thy waies else the grace that God hath powred into thy heart in this duty will be spilt To rush into holy duties or out of them argues too great undervaluing of the things of God Instances OF Solemn Occasionall MEDITATION Meditation 1 ALas my God I am in a sad condition mine afflictions grow daily upon me and that which is mine unsupportable misery my corruptions grow faster upon me then my affliction What before made me weep will not now make me sigh The heavy burthen of a great abomination doth not lie upon me so much as before I was oppressed with a vain thought in my praiers Alas Lord alas I am undone alas my corruptions have almost made me love them and make me weary of duties and carelesse of graces My joys are gone and my sorrows are gone that were sutable to thy Word and now my joys are but the laughter of fools and my sorrows are carnall sensuall and more of hell in them then of heaven and as now I can scarce tell my sorrows so have I scarce any sorrow to tell I have sate down and wept to consider the great decays of holinesse in me but now I can see my God going from me and whenas now he is even out of sight mine eyes are as dry as my heart is hard Alas Lord if thou wilt not return thou wilt lose a poor soul that hath loved thee and is somewhat troubled Now poor sad soul that it is so wicked as it is Meditat. II. Lord thou seest the strange distempered temper of mine heart and spirit ah blessed God I should take more comfort if I should see my heart-bloud running forth before mine eye then to see mine eyes so dry and my heart so hard I have worn out almost all motives to holinesse they now take no impression in me which before were too strong for me to bear they ravisht me which now do not move me I scarce ever go to prayer but I have enough and too many spirituall complaints to employ it to express If every day I had not just cause to bewail a continued decay of grace I might have some respit of my griefs But what shall I now do When every day shall bear witnesse against me and every night my sin shall go to bed with
me and lie in my bosome and rise in the morning more strong then at night Ah when my former holy life shall be more terrible then others wicked lives When my former prayers shall be like the gall of Aspes unto me when those duties which should be my comfort are my terrour Alas what can my poor soul do when my present sins and my past duties which of them are the heaviest burthen unto me I do not know what shall I do When I consider these things then the thoughts of the affliction that lies upon me makes me weep a tear or two and my vain heart my deceitfull heart would perswade me that I weep for my sins Those in desertion are in a blessed condition to me they are sad and I am miserable I am guilty of that which their consciences do but accuse them of Alas have I lost my communion with God my sweet communion and the power I had to prevail with him for any mercy almost that I praied for now I can pray and pray and pray and go away without a blessing I can almost be content to be wicked Thou knowest mine heart or else my tears would deceive thee as well as me If they are worldly thoughts that have estranged me from thee thou knowest how to cure me If mine utter impoverishings will cure me let me be as poor as Job If thou wast not such a Physician as thou art I was past thy cure Meditat. III. Lord I am come now to pour out my soul before thee and my tears into thy bosome to tell thee the sad thoughts and sorrows of my heart Ah my God In this bitternesse of my soul and with tears in mine eyes and pride in my heart and sencelesnesse upon my spirit I speak these things Ah Lord thou hast scourged me with scorpions for my sins do encrease as well as my afflictions these afflictions to me are scorpions to me they have poison in them and at once I am scourged and stung with them a sad ease it is when my punishment is heavier then I can bear and yet notwithstanding I go from the presence of God too and that more and more My tears dry up in mine eyes and my love goes out of my heart as soon as kindled When the Candle of the Lord shined upon my Tabernacle in my first conversion when the fire of thy love was kindled in my heart I have had some discourses of devotion that I was not able to bear the ravishment that the remembrance and meditation of them brought to my soul now almost as full of sadnesse as then of joy after those times as those after the Floud My joys and the acts and workings of my grace grew very short-lived in comparison of what they were before Then they were Methusalems for age and Sampsons for strength to what they are now Before though I fell spiritually sick and my strength and comfort was gone yet I was sensible of my weaknesse it was a pain and a grief unto me that I could not walk into the delightful garden of the Spouse and to the sweet bed of his Spices I could weep for want of tears if not I could mourn for want of sorrow but now like a man that hath groaned and strugled so long that he can struggle no longer but grown sencelesse can hardly be perceived to breathe or live If the sweetest musick should be plaid by him or the dearest friend in the world should come and ask him with tears in his eyes Dear Husband or Dear Wife how do you the poor sick one doth not so much as open the eye to see who it is that speaks or if open them they being presently heavy with death fall down again and he dies So is it with my poor soul sometimes I can hear my Saviour as it were saying unto me for sometimes methinks I see him about my sick soul Ah poor Soul how dost thou do Is my Joseph yet living But alas Lord thou knowest I have scarce strength or life to lift up mine eye to thee Lord Can these bones live Can these dry eyes weep Can this frozen heart be enflamed Meditat. IV. Lord I am ashamed to consider what I know of thee when I think what I do for thee Ah my God the cares of the world lie heavy upon me Resolutions though never so strong are too weak to overcome my corruptions Alas I can scarce say any more then I have said in the confessing and bewailing my sad spirituall condition though I have said nothing to what I should say Have I not told thee Lord with tears in mine eyes and with a sad heart that I found my corruptions get ground of me my prayers my tears my resolutions and some endeavours do resist but cannot overcome them these keep them from prevailing so soon but not from prevailing I humbly confesse or desire so to do that I may complain to thee but I should adde to mine abominations exceedingly if I should complain of thee Mine heart doth almost tempt me to it when I consider what I was and what I am It is as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul yet since by my preaching thou art glorified and thy people edified more then if I should spend all my time in private Meditation I am willing to submit only I do humbly beseech thee with tears in mine eyes that though I have lesse time to spend in such private duties yet that my poor soul may not lose her love to them and though I perform fewer duties I may not perform them worse then I did when I performed more Meditat. V. I do much wonder at my self and at many nay somewhat at all Christians upon daies of humiliation but most at my self to hear the tongue of a poor Christian confessing and his eyes weeping for his sins and speaking of them with such expressions and such sighs that one would think Surely this Christian keeps a strict Communion with God surely he would not sin for a world surely God is in all this mans thoughts and yet stay but whilest he hath done his praier and you finde in him such strong thoughts words and actions that are almost incredible loose and idle words and vain thoughts I but too often experience makes it even past hope it should be otherwise with me If any Town that was straitly besieged with cruel enemies should send for aid to such or such and when they came they should send out most of the Town to joyn with the enemy against those that came to help them What we would say of such people Lord just thus are we We have a world of corruptions and temptations sin and hell and Satan all beset us all beset us and violently assault us we pray for the help of God against them day after day We send our prayers to Heaven for assistance Well God doth send his holy Spirit to help this poor soul In the Ministery of the Word tels us
what we should do to overcome these enemies and sends many motions of the Spirit to bring into our souls grace to strengthen us We will not do what he adviseth us to do nay but we take part with our corruptions and resist and fight against the power of the world to come Oh thy patience is not to be understood I am weary to think before I go to prayer how little fruit I expect from them I pray and pray and weep and reade and hear and sigh and confesse these as well as other of my sins and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the present but they presently return to their former course Lord do not the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee to see me thy poor Servant in such a miserable condition as I am in Dost thou not see how sin and corruption do as it were lie gnawing upon me and eating up my very flesh and destroying my soul and I have neither hand nor foot to move against them Lord who is it that must make me hate corruption is it not thy Spirit Who must overcome my resisting of thy Spirit is it not thy Spirit Lord I do not know in the world what to do to leave off striving were not only to despair of thy goodnesse because thou dost not help as much and when I will and besides if I cannot get ground nay though notwithstanding I lose ground yet doubtlesse I shall not go so swiftly down stream as if I strove not at all if I must be forsaken by thee to all Eternity yet Lord let me not while I live so fall that I should be a scandal to Religion Alas Is it come to this O my soul that I must say If God will forsake me for ever Meditat. VI. In the most serious addresses of my soul to take hold upon God I finde an unhappy frozennesse benumme the best of my devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extremely ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse senselesse of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am gulity of but specially because such duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not foften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled then before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy fatherly goodnesse I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely murmure and be weary of the chastisement of the Lord It may be I shall pray for the taking off of that corrasive before it hath eaten away that deadnesse of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yeeld to such praiers go on with thy cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption we shall blesse thee one day for not hearing and not granting such praiers as shall be for our spirituall harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no root of bitternesse in me If I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. VII Since our dear Lord Jesus Christ hath loved me and given himself for me oh that my heart was ravisht with his love oh that he was the beloved of my soul and that I were sick of his love who died for the love of me Oh that I could not be staied but with his flaggons This my Jesus the chiefest of ten thousand hath told me that he that saw thee saw the Father whereby I understand that thou art just as he was as pitifull as gracious as willing to forgive as sweet and as easie to be entreated as my good Saviour and in all the things and passages that thy Word hath made known to us of him I reade not of one of all that came to him not one poor soul that ever beg'd any grace or any pardon nor never did any come to be healed of any bodily disease in vain Lord thou art as he was Lord Jesus thou art as thou wast thy being in heaven makes thee not lesse like thy Father or thy self Blessed God I do beseech thee I do beseech thee to give me to give me thy poor hard-hearted Servant a soft heart Lord Jesus I beseech thee thou seest mine hard my poor heart desire as imperfectly as coldly to make Intercession for me me for whom thou hast paid a dear price as one that hath been so long from his Friend that he can hardly call to remembrance what countenance he hath So I poor I that cannot chuse but pity the sad condition of mine own heart which though it doth not uncessantly and importunately desire grace as it should yet methinks it is a sad thing to see it in such a carelesse temper I am such a stranger to thee that I have much a do to make one thought of thy sweet love and excellencies that may affect my heart and bring the sweet apprehensions of thee to remembrance Thy tender mercies and former relishes of thy goodness are to me like the shadow of death they are as Christ walking upon the waters they terrifie me Lord let me weep thee to me again Oh my God I am undone undone undone a poor undone creature Those in desertion are in a thousand times better condition then I am they want the comforts but then indeed they have the graces of the Spirit but is not my poor soul that wants both in a sad condition that can sit down and fall asleep when I should seek my Saviour I have a soul of such a temper as makes me wonder at my self as in the Spring and sometimes there will come a cloud that will seem to overspread the Heavens and yet on the sudden all will be blown over and the day so fair that there will not be a cloud to be seen So am I sometimes my heart is full of sorrow and mine eyes full of tears and yet upon the suddain my heart loseth that sweet sad temper and all is blown over and not a cloud appears and these clouds of grief are not dispersed with the comforts and joys of thy
nay Lord though this temptation be such an unwelcome guest and I am too weary of it yet so thou wilt give me grace to overcome my impatience I am content Lord as much as I can but alas my God to have Satan my companion in stead of my God I hope will never be pleasing to me Meditat. XVI Lord what my vain heart thinks of thee it matters not except it be to discover the wretchednesse of it thou hast more glorious creatures to praise thee my praises and my thoughts of thee are so low and so unworthy of thee that thou mightest forbid me as thou didst the devils to confesse thee or to say any thing of thee My dear God if a world would buy it for one such sight of thee as might so ravish my soul that I might never more see any beauty or taste any sweetnesse in any thing but in thee that I might see thee with open face that I might be transformed into thine image from glory to glory Lord thou art still beyond me the higher my thoughts are of thee the more thou art beyond me and above me When my thoughts are best my thoughts are lost in the meditation of thee as the stone that is thrown into the calm Sea makes greater and greater circles but can never reach the shoar Lord I am content I may be lost in my self so I may finde thee Lord though there were none but thou and I in the world I had enough nay though there were none but thou and I in heaven I had enough Though I have nothing to say to thee but what I have said a thousand times Thou art my God my Saviour my all thou art he whom my soul loveth yet though I have nothing else to say nor can say there is any new rellish yet I delight to be alone with thee nay though thou saist nothing to my poor soul but what I have heard from thee yet let me still be in thy company I had rather weep and mourn for mine offending thee then enjoy all delights in the world Those salt waters are more precious then their wine Meditat. XVII Lord I beseech thee to order all mine affairs by thy wisedom thou knowest what afflictions are needfull for me I mnrmure oftentimes when thou afflictest me although I have again and again desired thee to direct all things that belong unto me but blessed God let not my murmurings so provoke thee as to leave me to mine own self Give me not what I desire but what I want my judgement in judging what is good or bad for me is little worth for many times I have judged such a thing to be for my hurt yet it hath proved much for my good and so on the contrary but then I have by experience found it evidently for my good when I have yeelded my self wholly to be guided by thee all things Lord make me know my self I am a poor creature with tears in mine eyes and hypocrisie in my heart Meditat. XVIII Lord It fares with me as it sares with one that hath been a long time from his friend he hath many things to tell him of severall particulars that befell him since their last being together so Lord I have been a stranger to thee and I have much to say to thee much have I suffered from mine own corruptions and little have I done I have a heart will let me do nothing for thee Lord I am but a childe pardon my bablings I have none to make my complaint to no not one Thou hast caused me to live in Mesech and to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar and if thou Lord wilt supply the want of those Christian friends I am now deprived of Lord my heart is so deceitfull that I have much ado to know whether I ever was or am yet thine I know Lord how I have spent daies sometimes whole weeks together in prayer and meditation and reading devotionary Books to prepare my self for the Communion and yet then I had grosse failings for there was a world of covetousnesse in me and thirsting after humane learning exceedingly and little prizing the knowledge of Christ in my Sermons I did little aim at thy glory but to preach my self Now in these things I finde some healings but my duties are fewer and now there is far more wanting in comparison of what I should be then was then of what I am now Nay Lord thou only knowest I shall be a gainer but alas If I now I am alone shall have no more fire of thy love then I had when I lived in the midst of glowing coals of devotion how can I but go out now since I had much ado to burn then When I think of serving thee then my heart is so perverse as to put in a carnall motive and saith If thou dost so then God will blesse thee in such or such a temporall blessing and my heart closeth with that motive Meditat. XIX O my God as thou art my Father so let me know that thy love to me being known by me may put wheels to my obedience that now goes so heavily and that it may make mine obedience more pure that now is so full of insufficiency I am fain to be glad almost of any motive to make me serve thee but yet it is my burthen that fear should make me do that which love should make me do for besides that such obedience is painfull that which is worse it is impure also Alas I am a stranger too much unto thee and in being so an enemy to my self Lord this is the first day I have given thee this long while it doth appear that it is so by the poor and weak duties I perform My poor soul is like a poor desolate Widdow that hath lost her dear Husband every one tramples on her and oppresseth her Meditat. XX. Lord where are those sweet embraces and manifestations of thy love that thou hast bestowed on me in former times When I have gone unto the treasury of thy mercies and fetched any mercy from thence that I wanted Thou hast given unto my praiers my dear Brother who went forth a blasphemer or at least a common swearer and came home I seeking thee for him a convert after thou gavest me his life and the life of my Mother and indeed Lord what was it but I had of thee thou didst almost miraculously restore one of my Sisters to comfort But now when I cry and shout thou shuttest out my praiers and art almost as if I had never any acquaintance with thee Lord I know that the fault is mine own Indeed Lord I then was scarce ever from thee or out of thy thoughts For were I but as I have been so often kept daies of humbling before thee It could not be that my duties should be such as they are but Lord thou seest the tears these thoughts cause me to shed they are thine do thou encrease them but take away
then I have recourse to the Word of God and by that I am assured that all the treasures of wisedom and knowledge are hid in Christ and in his Gospel then further I have recourse to the experience of the people of God in the Word of God and in particular to Paul who being a learned man yet accounted all things as drosse and dung in comparison of Christ I have also recourse to the experience of severall godly Persons I know of the abundant sweetnesse in Christ I have recourse to that small experience I have had of the sweetnesse and excellency of the knowledge of Christ therefore Lord though I have nott at this present the powerful and ravishing feelings of Christs excellency yet assuring my self all these waies whereby I fully do assent to that truth that It is life eternal to know thee and Jesus Christ I do beseech thee O Lord to give me a fuller knowledge of thee in Christ I beseech thee I beseech thee Let not mine undervaluing of this knowledge cause thee to deny it I shall more value it if I had more of it Lord I know if thou shouldest look in me and my life to see what thou canst finde to hinder the granting of this Request thou maist finde enough nay I that know my self not so well as thou dost know enough and enough nay I know nothing to move thee in my self except something I have had from thee those things I have so abused that I know they may be swift witnesses against me bâ—t Lord if thou shouldst give me this knowledge of them I might doe great things for thee Lord hear me Alas Lord my desires to know Christ do even die while I am praying to know him Alas Lord such an heart as I have is fit for none but thee for none in the world can tell what to do with it but thou only It is past the skill of all in heaven and earth but thee it is not in the power of Ordinances and duties if thou should not set in I would pity the soul of my greatest Enemy if I should see it in such continual storms and troubles as are in mine there are new corruptions appear such as I may term them nothing so fitly as sparks of the fire of hell to have ones heart rise against God when the continual desire of ones soul and prayer is that one might be inflamed with the love of God Lord while I am working my heart to a serious thought of thee endeavouring to have mine heart full of admiration of thee and affiance in thee before I pray unto thee that if it may be my praiers may be as an arrow-drawn up to the head but when I go about to pray and send up my Petitions my thoughts of thy glory and goodnesse slack and it fares with me oh my Soul as sometimes it doth with one that is tying knots when one hath pulled the first very hard yet it slacks before one can tye the second If I kept but a strict communion with thee and did as thou desirest Lord why shouldest thou desire us alwaies to be with thee how should we be acquainted with thee farre more then we are and if we knew thee more how should we love thee more and if we loved thee more how should we know thee more for thou revealest thy self to them that love thee Alas O my Soul why should not we alwaies be with God since he gives us leave how gracious art thou to invite such sinners as we are to come to thee For thee to wash our souls clean with the immaculate bloud of the Lord Jesus Christ Alas Lord I am mine own enemy nay I see it and know it and it cannot be otherwise Lord I am so tired out with my corruptions that I am even weary of my life and almost weary of my duties Lord even at this present how when my soul was so troubled that mine eyes were ready to weep there comes a thought of a poor worldly businesse into my soul and my thoughts and sorrows for heavenly matters are gone Meditat. XXIII O my God how coldly without love how doubtingly without faith do I call thee my God! Lord how carelesse am I in thy service how very carelesse how long Lord holy and true shall I be thus laden with corruptions Nay which is my greatest misery I am not but very little sensible of my own vilenesse that makes me that I do not hunger after righteousnesse Blessed Lord I do humbly prostrate my soul before thee and do with all the weak power of my soul importune thee by all the merits of my dear Saviour pray thee to look upon me in mercy When the poor wounded man that went from Jerusalem to Jeriche lay half dead and speechlesse in the way though he was not sensible of his own misery yet the good Samaritan was though his tongue did not could not call for pity yet his wounds opened their mouths wide and spake aloud to the Samaritan Though his eyes shed no tears yet his very heart wept bloud at his wounds and mov'd compassion Like to that poor wounded man am I so weak so sick that I am scarce sensible of mine own desperate condition Lord though my heart be not full of love it is full of wounds Lord thou knowest my miseries I humbly beseech thee to pity me not according to my praiers but according to my wants Lord that I do not desire to serve thee that I do not hunger nor thirst after righteousnesse it is the greatest misery that I have Meditat. XXIV Oh how terrible is the thought of death to me it is not so much for want of faith as holinesse and indeed I finde that I can never with comfort think on death but when I have liv'd very holily before for what will faith in that case help me without holinesse for faith without holiness is not faith but presumption Oh how sweet how dear how excellent a thing is holinesse Oh how full of peace and joy is my soul when I am full of that and yet Lord how carelesse am I of thy service how many times in the day when I might think of thee without any hindrance of my studies do I choose rather to think of vanity O wean my soul O God from every thing that is not thee Fill my heart with thy self dwell in me my dear God Why do I call thee dear When I prefer every trifle before thee O most glorious Lord God whom ten thousand worlds cannot sufficiently praise nor love which art thy self and canst not be more nor canst be lesse how easie Lord is it for thee to change my heart mine heart of stone for an heart of flesh Lord as long as I have this heart of stone there is no hope that I should serve thee with any cheerfulnesse or any constancy Lord hear my praier Meditat. XXV O blessed God If the way of thy providence be such that thou wilt
not give so much grace as to make me through the abundance of it almost whether I will or no to serve thee yet to whom thou dost give so much grace as to desire more grace O let not this desire which is of thy own infusing be in vain if there be any thing in the whole world that I desire more then thy grace then let me want grace to desire it any more Lord if the reason why thou deniest my praier be because I do not desire as I ought I humbly beseech thee to grant that I may ask aright alas my afflictions lie heavier on me then ever they did and I am more wicked or at least lesse holy then ever since my conversion I was how little am I affected with any thing that belongs to thy service nor yet doth it affect me that I am not affected Lord if there were any in heaven or in earth that could help me besides thee then considering my manifold sinnes I should I but Lord I would not thy mercies are so great go to any other Now Lord now is the time to have mercy upon me I am like the man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho wounded naked and half dead I cannot call for help O let my wounds move thee to compassion If I cold bewail my sinful misery with tears of repentance I know thou wouldest deliver me but I cannot weep nay hardly mourn Oh faint faint is my grief and cold is my love What wilt thou do Lord with one that scarcely from his heart desires to serve thee alas what canst thou do for me more or lesse then to make me desire to serve thee Accept I must or for ever be lost What a low degree of goodnesse am I come unto a Soul full of sadnesse and empty of goodnesse To morrow Lord I am to receive thee into my soul thee my blessed Saviour Lord thou knowest I did not use to have a heart so empty of goodnesse when I expected thee to come next day Meditat. XXVI Lord now I do resolve to serve thee and in this particular especially I will not speak evil of any man what injury soever he both me Now I will so watch over my words that I will not offend with my tongue and that by degrees I may attain some perfection herein I here vow every week between this and the next communion to keep one day so strictly that I will not during that day speak so much as one idle word that day if I do I will give to the poor Lord how excellent is thy service so pure so sweet O that there were such a heart in me that I might for ever serve thee Meditat. XXVII When I reade the story of the Martyrs I do wish that I had lived in those daies that I might also die as they did or methinks I could now willingly lay down my life rather then yeeld to the abominable Idolatry and superstitions of the Sea of Rome but when I search and try my heart I much fear that the reason of this my desire is because I think it easier to lay down my life for Christs sake then for his sake to overcome my corruptions for it being but one act though it hath more pain yet being but of small continuance it is lesse trouble then all my life long to fight against sin and thus I do ill even in my best wishes in divers respects for I chose Martyrdome not because thereby I might more honour God but that I might the sooner and easier come to heaven And again that I think I might content my self though I did not so much hate corruption If I died a Martyr all would be well whereas Though I give my body to be burnt and have not charity it would profit me nothing and to love God it is impossible for him that doth not hate sinne and fight against his corruptions Alas O my soul how weary are we of our spiritual fight and we would fain finde some other way to heaven then by the continuance of it O that I were dead to the world and lived to God how vain is the world yet while we know something better we shall not think so We talk much of the vanity of the world but who beleeves that the world is vanity and vexation of spirit Or who is sensible of this truth Or if he were sensible of it and sometimes affected with it yet it soon vanisheth and we do not live accordingly How much easier is it to speak like an Angel then live like a Saint Meditat. XXVIII Lord that thou wouldst do it for me take my soul and my body what shall I do with them any longer I govern them so ill and indeed am so unable to govern them that they govern me Lord if thou shalt condemn me at the last day I do now justifie thee and testifie to all the world that thou art just though then if such a time shall come I shall blaspheme thee My dear God I have yet a spark of thy love I will not leave that small hold of thee for ten thousand worlds I know Lord there is no dallying with thee What if I spoke with the tongue and writ with the pen of men and Angels it is nothing Lord take a poor soul at his word Lord I am thine and do now give my self and ten thousand worlds if I had them to thee yet when thou dost take from me some poor part of my estate I murmure Alas I have a poor weak heart Meditat. XXIX Lord my knowledge of thee is but small and that which is is but little spirituall or experimentall To know thee by what others write and say of thee is sweet to them that can set their seal to it from their own experience Lord what is it that hath kept me so long from thee or kept thee so long from me I know I have been wanting to thee and to my self Lord take my heart I have too much love for any besides thee though I have too little for thee Oh how sweet are the thoughts of thee and would be sweeter if I thought oftner and longer and more attentively of thee Alas I am almost grown out of acquaintance with thee I do not perceive my corruptions in any thing more then in this that though to think of thee be a thing so easie and so profitable yet I think so seldome My dear God deliver me from the businesse of the world Suits of Law and such things they undoe me they take up my thoughts that I cannot be rid of them I feel upon me the curse which thou threatnest upon the people of Israel If they would not serve thee with joy they should serve strangers with a great deal of hardship I was well while I was with thee then I had my Songs in the night now my daies are turned into the shadow of death Lord draw me draw me make the cords of thy love stronger or rather then
soon out it hath not substance enough to nourish and maintain what it begets For Creature-Excellencies are not strong enough to keep up the delight we take in them but thou Lord art love and thou art such a treasure of excellencies that the poor soul makes new discoveries of those treasures every day To all Eternity thou art enough to keep alive and in full strength all the love and joys and praises of Saints and Angels Lord thou art enough to answer thine own love but what am I that I should speak of thee thou art so glorious that I am afraid to speak of thee Meditat. XXXIV Lord I call and thou dost not answer I am even tired out if thou dost not support I sink under the burthen I long and look to see thy beauty but I cannot behold nor perceive one glimpse that thou art excellent I see by the eye of faith but thine excellencies do not affect me All my praiers are turned into this Lord shew me Christ and shew me him whom my soul loveth for I have heard of him and the fame of his excellencies have come unto me yet mine eyes have not seen him I think with my self Surely Christ manifesting himself and to be filled with all the fulnesse of God and to have a conversation in heaven must needs signifie more then ever I have experienced in my self For such poor things as I have found wrought in my soul cannot fill up those expressions Then I hear of those whose lives are spiritual and Christ-like not glorious in outward mortifications Thou art blamelesse that way speaking of such things which God hath wrought for them and in them which I have not found but are the very same things which are in my view and I follow after to attain but cannot Then from their relation of the Lords dealings with them I perceive that God did humble them more before he did discover himself unto them then ever he hath as yet humbled me so that I finde no rest day nor night in my spirit and yet though I am thus restlesse in seeking after something which I cannot know what it is I seek for I cannot discern any true sincere constant love to Christ He neither lets me know that he loves me nor that I love him so that I stand amazed and know not what to do and still by the help of God I will not cease to cry and call upon him for whom my soul I doubt not but would love if he discover his beauties and love unto me and work them on my heart I seek for one who I cannot tell who he is before I finde him then I shall know and shall tell to all who he is and set forth his excellencies though they shal as little understand me as I do them who declare the things that God hath wrought for them Meditat. XXXV There is not such an one in the world as I am that I know Publicans and harlots I justifie them I in the midst of means of Ordinances and mercies in the midst of the flames of love nay when thou laiedst on me that affliction that is now fresh bleeding in mine eyes or rather despised and forgotten I should have learnt obedience by things I suffered and I have done as if I were to learn to sinne by them Thou hast chastised me with rods and I have put the sting of sinne into them and have made them scorpions Thou sendest them for Antidotes and I have turned them into poyson Lord teach me what it is wherein thou art so offended to leave me thus Lord I beleeve thou hast pardoned me but small is my comfort when thou pardonest sinne but subduest it not Meditat. XXXVI Lord I do so evidently finde my self unable to judge of truths or to resist temptations that I almost nay altogether lie at the mercy of every temptation and to be carried about with the winde of every vain doctrine if thou dost not stand by me what should I tell thee the secret puddle of my heart I am weary of the stench and filthinesse of it there is not a prayer but they meet me at it and lie as a talent of lead upon me If mine heart were all on fire with thy love these things could not be I sometimes have thoughts rising in my heart that are wicked proud and foolish thoughts I begin to be offended that I begging for the manifestations of thy love yet have them not but those thoughts no sooner begin to arise but I consider What am I that thou shouldest give me thy loves and how can I expect the manifestations of thy love when I will not give thee my loves but let them run waste upon the creature How many times do I choose to do any thing rather then spend my time in Meditation and Prayer nay to do nothing and be idle For although thou lovest us first yet thou dost not usually discover thy thoughts of love to a soul before she hath made over her love and her felf unto thee then I think thou canst by the power of thy Spirit bring in my heart my soul and my love and that usually ere thou dost ravish the soul with the discoveries of thy love this I know and let all the world know it that whatsoever wicked thoughts arise in my weak heart which I cannot answer I know that all thy waies are holy just and good Lord what shall I give for the sheddings abroad of love in my heart that which should be given for it were it at the utmost parts of the world I could fetch it thence But Lord the price of it is already paid 't is near unto thee even at thy right hand O thou most High he hath paid for this mercy by his bloud long ago and my praiers thou requirest not as a price Lord fill me with these spiritual supplications that I may give thee no rest nor take any rest my self until I have found him whom my soul loveth Come Lord Jesus come quickly Meditat. XXXVII O Lord beat me and drive me with storms and tempests I am come unto thee like the Prodigall Son for all but that which most of all I should have a spiritual sorrow ragged and tatter'd and undone My sins and misery are like his not my sorrow For me to see my self languishing my graces daily grow weaker my love colder and even almost to be speechlesse in praier Alas the sorrow that I have is rather bewailing my misery then my sinne I know not what it is Lord but thou dost Sure I am my condition is sad and I am sad and my sadnesse is all the poor remains of comfort that I have and yet I no sooner begin to take any comfort in my grief but I perceive so much hypocrisie in my grief that the poor spark of comfort that I have is put out Alas tears of bloud were fitter for me then dry eyes O Lord must every trifle steal away my heart from thee
Thine excellencies are too high for me Wisedome is too high for fools O that thou wouldst take me out of mine own hands and deliver me from my self and howsoever my heart is not importunate enough now I shall thank and praise thee to all Eternity if thou wilt make me thine Thou hast done as much to draw me with the cords of love even to wonder Lord do thou snatch me as a firebrand out of the fire if thou shouldst stay till I am willing without thy making me so I am lost For I shall never part with these painted vanities for all the glory in heaven except thou givest me the eye of faith to see it and a spiritual palat to rellish it Meditat. XXXVIII O Lord wilt thou let a poor sinner lie gasping out his last breath at thy feet and die in thine arms I have abundance of love for the world O that thou hadst it all I am sure I am not nor shall never be at quiet until thou hast it nor would I sleep until I am in thine arms of love My dearest God how comes it to passe that my heart cannot give it self to whom it will Had I a thousand worlds I would give all for thee that I might be thine O my soul why should we stand consulting and contriving what to do God is ten thousand times more then all things Why should we weight a Talent of Lead and a Feather together to see which is heaviest O Lord my soul hath chosen thee long ago I have abundance of experience of the truths of those things which I have beleeved I am thine and thou art my God Thou hast chosen me and I have chosen thee If I should be so vain at any time as to leave thee thou art the same and thy choice fails not Thou Lord which madst me chose thee whilest I had no experience of thy love wilt make me continue my choice Lord that any one should choose hell before thee It makes thee not to be lesse glorious Lord must my blasphemies praise thee I finde so much hell in my heart that it is not troubled in any proportionable measure that there is so much hell in it When I set apart an hour for Meditation and praier then I keep my heart somewhat close but at other times I am little careful to improve what I reade or heart to enflame my heart I had better not set an hour apart and give thee all the day by thinking alwaies of thee Lord I do now acknowledge for then I shall not but if thou shouldest leave me I should be too much given to blaspheme thee Nay blessed God let that never be Lord it shall never be When I consider the desperate hypocrisie of my heart I may every morning expect that thou shouldst give me up to a reprobate sense to commit sinne with greedinesse When I think of these things I pour out my soul within me to think with my self I shall lose my estate a little troubles me to think I shall lose such a friend it affects me more but to think I shall lose my God and become an Apostate that 's a hell unto me I have begged of thee as for my life that thou wouldst not leave me and now I beg O forsake me not utterly To have such a heart that will neither inflame my words nor be inflamed by them is that which hath not been so Lord except thou wilt follow one that will not stay when thou callest and overtake one that runs from thee when thou followest I am lost Well though I am sure my froward and carelesse carriage will justifie thy justice if thou condemn me and magnifie thy mercy if thou savest me Meditat. XXXIX Lord this day is thine own and by being thine is more mine I must now burn without coals about me The time hath been when if I had been cold and dull the Society expressions and examples of others in daies set apart to thee would have enflamed me Now the company I have is water and snow Woe is me that I am constrained to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar and yet Lord thou art never wanting Thou sendest forth thy beams of light and heat if I bring not clouds over mine own head I may have enough light from thee Lord when will these daies of sin be ended and the time of refreshing from the presence of the Lord come I come into thy presence but when I am come I am silent and deaf neither able to speak to thee nor hear the sweet whisperings of thy Spirit O that I had a heart to give my self unto thee or that thou wouldest take these poor longings of my soul for a gift and thereupon take possession of my soul My daies of leaping for joy to think of thee are gone and now my daies of sorrow to see mine own vilenesse are come My tears are now my meat and drink O that I had more of them so they were more spirituall I am a poor creature but thou art the rich God My poor heart why dost thou not speak art thou silent what saist thou Is not God a good God what rellish or sweetnesse is there in these words if thou dost not set to thy seal Lord to thy glory though not to my comfort be it spoken Thou hast been a good God to me but I have no comfort from this truth if I never rellish it yet if mine heart will be so wicked as not to acknowledge it yet my hand shall write that which shall witnesse for my God against my self Thou art good patient and mercifull unto me enough to make earth and heaven to wonder at thy goodnesse and my vilenesse ah my God my God must my words go beyond my thoughts of love to thee Lord thou art enough for heaven enough for thy self and art thou not enough for me Try O my Soul try thou wilt never trust before thou knowest this by experience thou knowest abundantly that the creature hath told thee It is not in me this thou knowest by experience and by faith thou knowest it is in God Well then lay all thy weight and strength upon him and none upon the creature Hold upon him with both hands or else thou wilt attribute the greatest failing unto God For as he that stands upon never so strong a place if he lean against a rotten wall he shall fall and one that is asleep when he fals will not know whether fail'd him and so if we do but leave to our own wisedom we shall haply think that God fails Lord I wait I long for thine appearance Thou art enough Lord I know not what to say I am undone without thee Lord I hear the poor fly oh how it flies up and down Now it is warmed and revived with the warmth of the Sunne yesterday it lay still as dead surely Lord if thou wilt shine upon my soul I should be active and chearfull in thy service No marvell heaven
is so full of thy praises when thou communicatest thy self so fully to them the crumbs that fall from thy Table are too much for me these temporal blessings are more then I can challenge yet Lord I cannot be content with them give me thy self and it sufficeth for all is nothing and snares without thee Meditat. XL. Alas my God pride and despair divide my life when I finde any thing I do in some manner as I should I begin to be puft up and think that I do more then some others of Gods people and when I look upon my failings these thoughts begin to arise It is in vain I shall never overcome such corruptions my sins do me more harm by discouraging me then in the commission Meditat. XLI Lord There is no peace until thou hast all our love while our heart is divided between the world and thee we can have no quiet natural Conscience draws one way and natural corruptions another way It is our ignorance that makes us think that there is not enough in thee to satisfie all our desires and to supply our want which makes us joyn the creature with thee When Lord when shall all my thoughts be of thee I am weary of being thus divided Lord if I can dispose of my self I give my self wholly to thee O refuse not that gift which thou hast so often desired thou hast said give me thy hearr Lord mine heart longs whilest thou hast it If thou saist that I do not give my self freely and wholly enough alas nor never shall until thou take my heart and discoverest the secrets of thy love unto me when thou dost that I shall runne after thee Lord here 's my poor soul it lies at thy seet groveling and gasping for life the creature hath left me and I have left the creature and would not that it should have any more of my love but it still wooes me and follows me for my love unlesse thou overcomest these strong corruptions I shall never be at quiet Meditat. XLII Sometimes my heart begins to be fil'd with joy so that I am ready to cry out Thou art mine exceeding joy and then I consider what I shall do for I am afraid that my joy is false When I consider how I came by it whether my praiers have been more fervent and frequent of late or my repentance more profound in the midst of this consideration I can hardly say but think with my self Why should I delay or refrain my enjoyment of God and am ready to say within my self The false joys in God are better then the true joys of the world these joys are too sweet to let go Lord Jesus when thou kissest me with the kisses of thy mouth I will kisse the Sonne lest he be angry Lord thou art too good for me if I may say so how could I ever expect that thou shouldest come near me more The poor love I have makes me say a thousand worlds and a thousand heavens for my God the small beams of the light of thy countenance are so sweet Lord if thou wouldst but continue the joys thou sometimes affordest I had enough I need not the comforrs of the world to make it up nor fear that the afflictions of the world though one need continuall supplies of comforts to support one yet they could not spend them Meditat. XLIII I will go to God saith David he is mine exceeding joy a sweet saying O that there were such a heart in me yet I have an unenflamed heart a frozen heart if I leave all things and my self I should finde thee but these poor joys of the world quench the joys of the Spirit I shut out the glorious beams of thy heat and light and light up the candles of the creatures which have neither heat nor light in comparison of thine When I go about to rejoyce in thee my sins come and tell me that they must be mourned for first Any thing Lord any thing so I may do what is pleasing in thy sight I am willing to stay for my joys while thou art pleased to give them Only I beseech and desire these three things of thee 1. That I may not want grace though I want joys 2. That I may not go about to make up the want of thy joys with carnall joys let me not kindle a fire and walk and rejoyce in the light and sparks of what I have kindled c. 3. That though thou hast kindled joy yet that I may have sorrows that are spirituall Lord how abundantly good art thou to them that love thee I lie under the weight of thy love and thy joy When I come hungry and thirsty to thee to be satisfied with thy joy to the utmost I ie now as a Ship upon the shoar while the Tide of thy joys come and lift me up and carry me into the Ocean of thy goodnesse When Mary Magdalene stood weeping at the Sepulchre thou didst call her by her name and she forgot all her sorrows she left her tears the Sepulchre and the Angel and cried out Rabboni My heart makes me beleeve that I would give the whole world to see Jesus Christ for I think if I could see him I should lie down at his feet and beg his grace and he would not deny me This is part of my weaknesse and want of faith for he hears my praiers as fully and is as willing to grant them now he is in heaven as if he were on earth Lord Jesus thou that never didst deny any poor soul that came to thee for grace and pardon thou never sendest them empty away but grantest their request Have mercy upon me O Lord my need and wants are as many and as great as any of them all and if my sense of my misery be not so great my misery is so much the greater Meditat. XLIV Lord I perceive that spiritual sorrows and spiritual joys are wholly thy work for my sins are as many as great and of as deep a dye as any in the world that is not the sin against the holy Ghost and I am fully and sensibly convinced of it that they are so and yet I am as sencelesse as if my condition were quite hopelesse for were it not so could I possibly be so seared as I am Thou hast said I will take away the stony heart Lord if thou wilt work who or what can hinder My corruptions and my sins have and do harden my heart by having and committing them Nor will they soften it by considering them What hinders thee from taking away the infidelity and stoninesse of my heart If that hardnesse and infidelity doth why that is the thing to be cured If I were not sick I need not a Physician Lord I say not this to justifie my self for it is thou of thy free grace that must justifie me for I am lost And so for joys and comforts though I reade and hear of the comforts that thou pourest
must thou much desire and endeavour for those things which no way further thee in this great businesse of knowing serving and following God but they are to be accounted superfluous and frivolous 2. Consider the folly and madnesse of those who live no otherwise then as if they had been created for no other end then to drink and eat and sleep and dance and game or to get riches and such like fooleries Certainly if these people were asked whether they did in their consciences think that God created them that they might spend their lives in dancing c. they could not say yes None can imagine that hath any understanding that at the day of judgement God will ask them why they did not dance more and game more and gain more riches 3. Consider seriously with thy self whether thou livest sutable to the end of thy Creation think with thy self that when that time which thou spendest in eating drinking sleeping recreation visits vanities is taken from thy life what a small pittance is left for God and for the works of thy particular calling nay thy sleeping eating drinking recreation should all be done some way or other to enable and fit thee the better for the service of God But alas how seldome is it that thou hast thought of fitting thy self for Gods service by eating drinking c. Nay how many times hast thou made thy self unfit for Gods service by such things Now before thou goest any further be fully convinced of these truths and if any scruple should remain which cannot though a man be but truly rationall argue and pray them away for though it may be some Objections may be too hard for thy arguments which notwithstanding seldome comes to passe since thy consideration must be of truths so plain evident and obvious which all grant yet no scruples will be too hard for thy praiers Affectione 1. Be ashamed and confounded within thy self that thou hast lived so contrary to thine own principles and that thou hast minded that little or nothing in doing of it as a thing by the bye which now thou dost but seriously think of it thou plainly seest to be the main businesse of thy life saying thus Alas O my God what did I think of when I thought not of thee What was I mindeful of when I forgot thee Alas O my Soul how comes it to passe that we thought of these things no sooner 'T is a strange thing that our hearts and the world should so far deceive us that we should prefer eveny trifling thing before that which concerns us more then ten thousand worlds We have served the world which was not made but to serve us 2. Abhor thy life past Well I am resolved to leave you ye vain and sinful pleasures I will no longer dote upon you you have but too long bewitcht my soul I might have had a thousand holy thoughts and praiers and treasures of almes laid up for Eternity which I am sure I should not have repented of when I come to die and you vanities have took up my time and stole away my heart and thoughts from these things Well I have enough of you I have done with you for the rest of my strength and daies I will give unto my God 3. Turn thy self to God and say Blessed God wilt thou accept of the service of a poor wretch that hath spent so much of his time and strength upon base lusts and vanities Nay surely Lord If thou wilt accept of such a wretch as I am such a heart such love such service as I have I will give to thee and for the time to come thou shalt be the very joy of my soul and the deliciousnesse of my thoughts and dost thou indeed entreat and importune me to be reconciled how wonderfull is thy mercy that notwithstanding I provok't thee hitherto daily to thy face yet that thou shouldest follow after me to embrace me whereas what could be expected but that thou shouldest pursue me to destroy me Resolutions Well by the blessing of God I am resolved that though heretofore I have spent whole daies in such and such like recreations which at best are but vanities for this moneth I will either not use such and such recreations at all or at least spend no more time any day in them then I do in praier and meditation and I hope one day the Lord will work in me such a heavenly frame of spirit that praier and meditation shall be in stead of a thousand recreations David was of that temper for he saith that he will go to God his exceeding joy and that the Law of God was dearer to him then thousands of gold or silver and that his heart was ready to break for the very desires and longings that he had after God O my Soul that will be a rare time when it shall be thus with us Why should David love God more then we He forgave David much but he hath forgiven us more well O my soul if thou wilt pray hard and follow hard after God thou little knowest what he will do for thee and the joys that he hath laid up for them that love him even in this world are unspeakable and glorious Conclusion 1. Pray Lord thou knowest the decitfulnesse of my heart the strength of my corruptions and the multitude of snares and temptations which encompasse me on every side especally when I am in worldly employments in company thou knowest how subject holy flames are to go out therefore be thou pleased by the holy breathings of thy Spirit to keep these holy fervours of love from being quencht 't is not the strength of my resolutions that can enable me to resist temptations if I am not kept by the mighty power of thee my God I am lost 2. Praise God blessed be thou O God for any heavenly motion or desire that hath been wrought in me thou might'st have suffered me as thou dost thousands I have provoked thee as much as they never to be convinced of or affected with these truths t is thy wonderful mercy that thou didst make me for such a blessed end as the enjoyment of thy self and much greater mercy that thou hast let me know so much but most of all that thou hast given me a heart to desire and endeavour after it Blesse the Lord O my Soul 3. Acknowledge thy failings alas Lord whatsoever is wrought in me that 's good had been farre greater but that I am green wood to the sparks of thy love Lord pardon the iniquity of my holy services My highest and most inflamed thoughts of thee are unworthy of thee it is well that I have thee to love whom I need not fear loving too much After the Meditation is ended 1. Think with thy self which of these truths or what passage of this Meditation did most warm thy heart and affect thee and fix it and treasure it up in thy thoughts keeping it as it were a nosegay in
thy hand to smell unto all the day 2. Set down this that thou hast resolved to spend no more time in such a recreation then thou shalt spend in praier and Meditation 3. Go unwillingly from this duty and do not rush into worldly businesses but look to thy heart which is a slippery deceitful thing MEDITAT II. Of the Mercies of God 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray beg of God that he would put such considerations and thoughts into thy heart that thou maist be so convinced of and affected with his goodnesse that thou maist love praise and serve him Considerations 1. Consider how much thou art engaged to God for bodily mercies he hath given thee thy senses sight hearing and other parts of thy body If thou didst want thy sight what wouldst thou give for it if thou wast Emperour of the world How many thousand pounds wouldst thou give A Diamond is not therefore worth no more then 6d because a poor man can give no more if thou shouldst reckon up what thy hands feet health liberty were worth to what a vast Surn would they arise Thou hast all these things from God thou hast not them from thy Parents they knew not before thou wert born whether thou shouldst be male or female thou maist say to God as David did In thy Book were all my members written 2. Consider what faculties of soul God hath given thee What a miserable condition are mad men in those that are born naturall fools thou art well and thousands are sick thou hast plenty when thousands beg their bread 3. Consider what spirituall mercies God hath given thee how many thousand poor ignorant Heathens are there which never heard of God and of Christ who were born and bred where the Gospel is not preached but worship the devil but thou dwellest in the Sunshine and under the droppings of the Gospel and are not these great mercies and unvaluable If thou dost not value them it argues so much the greater goodnesse in God to bestow them upon thee nay hath not God made thee to know him he hath not only given thee the light of the Gospel but eyes to behold it 4. Consider the greatnesse of God Why should he look after thee nay why doth he not destroy thee Thou art but a worm nay a viper why doth he let thee hang upon his hand of providence and not shake thee off into hell fire As we walk we do not step out of our way to avoid crushing a worm to death if we see an adder or such a venomous creature we go out of our way to destroy it God hath not dealt so with thee but when thou hast run from God he hath called after thee and would not suffer thee to perish though thou wouldest and when thou hast come against him with thy sinnes and thy rebellions he hath stood with stretched out armes to embrace thee Are not these miracles of mercy O my Soul how many mercies dost thou receive from God even at that very time when thou sinnest against him 5. Consider the innumerable multitude the infinite greatnesse of his mercies and the wonderful love wherewithall he bestows them How precious are thy thoughts toward me O God saith David I am sure thou hast just cause to say so also O my soul The mercies that God hath bestowed are wonderful but those that he hath promised are farre greater What manner of love hath the Father bestowed upon us that we should be calledth Sons of God! Now we are the Sons of God and it doth not appear what we shall be That he should make us his Sons is very much but that he should not spare his own Sonne that he might spare us is beyond all admiration Affections Admire the goodnesse of God Lord what is man what is sinful man that thou shouldst so regard him What am I that am the worst of men why art thou so good to me that have been and am so bad When I was in my bloud to the loathing of my person thou saidst unto me in my bloud Live nay not only when I was weltring in my own bloud but in the bloud of Christ thou saidst unto me Live What did I ever do to deserve those mercies or what have I or can I do to requite them As thy glorious Name so thy mercies are extolled above all praises 2. Admire thine own ingratitude Have I so requited my God O my Soul as to return rebellions for mercies Hath God heaped upon me so many glowing coals of love and mercy and is my heart still frozen Must God only be a looser by his blessings If man who is bound to do me good when it lies in power bestows a small courtesie on me how doe I thank him whensoever I meet him but though God who is no way engaged of his free grace bestows thousands of thousands of blessings how do I live in the midst of them without ever regarding of them Nay my ingratitude is such that I make God a looser by his mercies If thou Lord hadst made me to beg my bread I should have been more thankful for one daies food then I am now for a years Are his mercies lesse because they are continued Alas O my Soul how foolish are we We do even daily provoke God to take away his blessings because we will not prize them while we have them and then there is another thing wherein we do wonderfully ill if God doth but lay any affliction upon us and take away but one mercy in stead of being thankful that we have enjoyed it so long and that he hath not taken away all we murmure and repine and rob him of all the praise that is due for the rest of the mercies we enjoy Alas what doth God require of us for all his mercies but this that we should love him with all our heart soul and strength 3. Stir up thy heart to praise and thanks-giving Blesse the Lord O my Soul and all that is within me blesse his holy Name Forget not all his Benefits who forgiveth all thine iniquities who healeth all thy diseases Who redeemeth thy life from destruction who crowneth thee with loving-kindenesse and tender mercies Not love God not praise God O my Soul why what could God require lesse at thy hands then these I have heard of one that being delivered out of a great and long desertion had much ado to stay within doors and not run into the streets and stay every one she met that she might tell them what God had done for her soul How do the Angels love and praise God to all Eternity and why should the Angels love and praise God more then I He never forgave them one sinne he hath forgiven me thousands 't is true they are in glory so shall I be too if I be not unthankful for the mercies I have received Resolutions I am resolved for the time to come to sing Psalmes
the tongue of man can express or the heart of man conceive there is nothing that thou seest with thy eyes or hearest with thy ears or feelest with thy hand is more certainly true than this But alas because thou hast heard it so often and God of his infinite goodness and patience hath not made thee yet to feel the stroak of his justice and the misery due to sinne thou wilt not believe him though his threatnings be never so clearly set down and with much earnestness 5. Consider against what precious mercies what sweet love what blessed experience holy inspirations what abundance of means strong resolutions precious promises clear light c. thou hast sinn'd Affections 1. Pray to God to help to a further sence of the sinfullness of sinne Blessed God must all these considerations pass as a Serpent on a stone without making any impression upon my soul Lord give me an affecting knowledge of the sinfullness of sinne and not have such slight thoughts of sinne as I have had but grant that I may esteem of sinne as thou esteemest it 2. Talk with thine own soul about this matter O my soul are these considerations true or false if thou thinkest them false bring thy objection shew wherein the error lies which thou canst never do but if they be true as certainly they are how comes it to pass that we have made nothing of sinne 't is in vain for us to put off the sense of our sinnes untill it be too late 3. Be confounded and ashamed in the presence of God Alas O Lord my God as a thief is ashamed when he is taken or as a woman is ashamed when her adulteries are found out by her loving husband so and a thousand times more I desire to be confounded and ashamed in thy presence when I consider how abominable my life hath been and how that I have committed my abominations even in thy sight and provokt thee to thy face and had not thy patience and mercy been infinite thou couldst never have stood out against so many provocations I had been in hell roaring and blaspheming long before this day and then I had been past prayers and past mercies and past pardon What shall Isay unto thee O thou preserver of men to excuse my sinnes I cannot I have nothing but the multitude of thy tender compassions and thy free grace in Jesus Christ to flie unto Lord lay my sinnes home to me to humble me and to break my stony heart but lay them not to my charge to condemn me If thou hadst not in thy word promised forgiveness to sinners through Jesus Christ I could no more hope to obtain pardon than even the devils themselves Resolutions It is enough O my soul and too too much that we have been undoing our selves and provoking God thus long that we have as it were with all our power pull'd down the vengeance of God upon us and as it were kindling his wrath against us but he hath not suffered his whole displeasure to arise nor suffered us to perish though we would blessed be his Name that we have not committed the sinne against the holy Ghost which we certainly had done had he given us up to the strength of our own corruptions and to the power and malice of Satan to improve them to our destruction Is it true indeed that God saith Yet return and I will save thee doth he stand with stretcht out arms doth he indeed stand with stretcht out arms to imbrace us is it possible he should be so gracious to forgive such and so many sinnes and of such long continuance Well blessed be God we will go unto him and never offend him more We will hereafter whensoever we are tempted unto sinne say What sinne against such love such mercy such experiences offend that God that hath pardoned us that hath done such things for us and is not content with that but hath promised to do more I will not hereafter stand parlying with temptations but I will cry out unto God and say Lord help me for I suffer violence and in particular I am in some measure sensible that I pray not with that fervency and reverence as I ought to do for the time to come I shall by the blessing of God mend that I am too passionate well since God hath been so gracious as to forgive so many so great so grievous sinnes that mine own heart is not able to understand their vileness or number I will not hereafter be troubled when I hear my neigbour or underling or when I hear my fellow N. use such or such taunting words against me I will not be provoked by this or that despite or contemptuous trick that he or she doth use against me but rather I will endeavour to say or do such a thing to gain his good will and to pacifie his anger conceived against me for certainly his injuries are not comparable to my sinnes and yet God forgive me them there is a difference between I. N. and me I am resolved I will go to him and be reconciled this very day or if I cannot I will pray for him and speak well of him this very day if I have occasion to speak of him at all howsoever I will pray for him now Conclusion 1. Pray desire God that he would increase thy detestation of sin and that thou mightst as well hate sinne as leave sinne and that he would not let any spark that hath been kindled by his own Spirit go out in thee Say unto him Lord I do not beg riches I can go to heaven without them please thee without them but I beg of thee grace and strength against corruptions pardon of sinnes if thou deniest me these I am undone 2. Praise God Blessed be thy Name that my heart hath been in any measure affected with the hatred of sinne that I have in any measure known and considered the things that belong to my peace thou mightst have suffered me to drop into hell and never to have thought of it before I had been there but thou hast not dealt so with me 3. Acknowledge thine own unworthiness of so great patience as God hath exercised towards thee thine inability to think any of those good thoughts that thou hast had c. as is in the first Meditation After all think what passages most affected thee 2. Write down thy resolutions c. 3. Go unwillingly from the duty MEDITAT IV. Of Death 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray for his assistance Considerations 1. Canst thou not remember that thou wert by such an one when he died didst thou not see how his countenance failed his eye-strings broke how he grew weaker and weaker at last grew speechless how he throtl'd in the throat how his teeth grated how he sweated and strugled for life and at last gaspt and died consider that thus thou must do likewise how soon the Lord only knowes that thou
forgets so that if one might gain a world when the heart is overwhelmed with grief or inflamed with love or ravished with joy one could not remember the powrings out of the soul In such cases one may say of such Meditations as St Paul speaks of those glorious things which he saw when he was wrapt into the third Heavens they are neither lawful nor possible to be uttered many times the secrets in our communion with God are of that nature that it is not lawful by reason of that scardal nor possible to utter because the affections being so intensly employ'd invention memory and intellectual actings of the Soul during that time do almost quite cease and indeed whosoever goes about to invent instances of Meditation if it be only a learned man and not holy his studies may exceed his actings that way but if it be an holy experienced Christian as his inward thoughts of love joy grief and admirings of God are above all that his tongue doth or can utter so those secret expressions which he useth between God and his own soul when his thoughts are full of heaven and of God are much beyond what he can invent or by stndy expresseth Therefore since those Meditations that are fullest of devotion cannot be remembred to set down Instances of Meditations except one should take them from some Saint as he was powring out his soul before God in secret one can never set them fully down in secret I say For the soul is never so free nor may be before others as with God alone and the truth is if I had not had these Instances of Solemn Meditation by me I think I should hardly have set down any of that kinde I should only have referr'd him to the Psalms It was so that I wrote these from the mouth of one to whom though unseen I was oft times so near that I could hear his secretest devotions if uttered though but with an ordinary voice I am very confident for his part he thought that none but God and his own Soul were privy to his Praiers I have sometimes considered it as a case of Conscience whether it was lawfull by stealth to hear and afterwards to publish the private Meditations of others but considering how much advantage it may bring to others and how the party himself can suffer nothing in it his Name being concealed by me I resolve to publish them besides I very well know as I said before that the spiritual expressions between God and ones own soul in secret are forgotten almost as soon as ended It is very unlikely that any should remember them ten years after as the most of these are I thought good to give an account of this matter lest I should be thought to have that holy frame of heart which many of the expressions in these Meditations argues that he had that used them and arrogate to my self that which is farre from me If any shall be offended at the brevity and shortnesse of my Directions for this great and weighty businesse of Meditation I shall only say thus much as to that 1. That I am not willing to overcharge or affright new beginners for for such I do very much intend this Treatise with too great a number of particulars 2. I would not have this swell above the bignesse of a Manuall for I have often observed that when one hath perswaded some to buy some Book and told them it hath been but a small price it hath been almost as strong a motive the smalnesse of the price as the goodnesse of the Book and I would not be willing that both these Motives should be wanting to the Buying of this Book As for the plainnesse of the Stile or matter I shall thus excuse it if it oughto be excused I wrote this for the meanest and ignorantest sort of Christians that they might buy and understand it that they might buy it I have made it a Manuall that they might understand it I have made it plain and spoke to them in their own language and to the Learned I say if any such shall reade this Treatise Indocti repiunt coelum and though I highly prize Learning yet I know that as to praier and meditation and all other acts of devotion wherein we keep a strict Communion with God and watch over our own souls an experimental knowledge and acquaintance with and inflam'd affections towards God will more avail us then all the Learning in the world and doubtless it is not generally ignorance in those that live under Ordinances but the non-improvement of the Truths we know that will undoe us if we did but improve these plain truths viz. that God is that there will be a Day of Judgement that we must die that we ought to love God with all our heart with all our soul with all our minde with all our strength that we should do as we would be done to I say if we did but improve these into practice we should attain to more holinesse then if we knew a thousand times more and left those truths as generally men do by them as things forgotten I doe very much think that the truths of Religion have been spun into too fine a thred of late daies and some have observed that fewer have been converted of late years then formerly when fundamentals have been plainly powerfully and practically prest upon the conscience it is an errour to think that notions so they be spirituall cannot be too acute or speculative I have one thing to entreat of the Christian Reader and it was one end of publishing this Treatise that I might with it publish these my desires the thing that I am to request of you will neither be charge nor trouble It is your frequent serious fervent praiers that I desire of you I know it is us'd too much as a complement among Christians to desire prayers of their Christian friends and they are too often superficially promis'd and too seldom conscienciously perform'd nor would I have thee whosoever thou art that fearest God account this my Request as a thing of course and that it is at thy liberty to grant it or no for suppose a poor distressed man overwhelm'd and almost swallowed up with the sense of his miseries and wants should with tears and strong importunities begge relief of thee Dost thou think it were an arbitrary thing when it was in thy power to relieve him or not Mightst thou not justly expect that the the next time thou wentst to pour out thy soul before God that he should keep by him the denial that thou gavest that poor man and give it thee when thou in the distressed thoughts of thy heart madst thy praier to him and dost thou think that the Lord will hold thee guiltlesse when one whose afflictions are many corruptions strong temptations to _____ shall in the anguish and bitternesse of his spirit desire thy praiers and thou refuse or neglect Consider whether at the day of judgement thou wilt have any sufficient excuse to pleade I have sometimes thought that the Bils that have publikely been put up for the praiers of the Congregation have been too little regarded it may be they have been too customarily and formally put up it may be so but it is not good for us to be Judges of evil thoughts little do we know what terrouts and fears and anguishes of spirit overwhelm them while they are so little regarded by us O that we were sensible of others afflictions and sorrows whether spiritual or temporal as they themselves are and as we would have them to be of ours were our souls in their souls stead and if the Lord should so by his providence order it as to bring us into those straits which we saw our Brother in and would not afford him so much as our prayers may we not justly expect that the next time that we our selves are in streights our consciences should take up a Parable and taunting Proverb against us and say as Josephs Brethren did we are verily guilty concerning our Brother in that we saw the anguish of his soul when he besought us and we would not hear therefore is all this distresse come upon us And that which I would desire thee to begge of God for me is That he would give me sincerely to aim at his glory in all my actions but especially those that belong to my Ministry that I might not be as a broken vessell and that he would give me greater discoveries of and love to himself and the Lord Jesus Christ and that he would give me gifts and strength and wisedom opportunity and a heart to serve him and mercies suitable to my wants that mine afflictions may be sanctified my temptations conquered and my corruptions mortified One thing more I am to request of thee that is to do what I know too much neglected by my self and I fear by others Thou art to pray for a blessing upon thy self when thou readest this Treatise and that God would make it a blessing unto others also into whose hands it shall come I desite you that you would help me with your praiers in this particular When we do but take our ordinary daily bread we crave a blessing how much more when we do things that concern our eternall good When we take a Book to that end spiritually to benefit by it do we think that it is in our own power or in the power of any Treatise that we reade without Gods assistance to do us good Nay the Word of God it self is but a dead Letter if the holy Spirit be absent when we hear or reade it But that thou shouldest desire a Blessing upon thy self in reading of this Book is not all I request of thee but that thou wouldest also extend thy prayers further even for others that it may be also for their edification whosoever shall reade it For as we are to pray that every Sermon we hear may be for the spirituall advantage of others as well as of our selves It holds also in reading of Treatises of Devotion FINIS