said A way with that Villaine see where he is come disguised in greene The Emperour Nero hearing that his predecessor Claudius was related among the Gods and knowing that he died of a poysoned Sallade said I had not thought that sallades had beene the food of the Gods OF NOBLEMEN AND Ambassadors DON Iohn first Duke of Medina Sydonia being aduertisd by his Treasurer that his expences were most excessiue and his gifts all to liberall he answered I will haue the glorie of my house known to the world not by possessing much treasure but by expending much treasure Don Fredericke of Tolledo Duke of Alua being besought vnto by a poore widdow Gentlewoman to prefer with his liberality her daughter in marriage he was easily inclined so to do Wherupon he willed his treasurer to giue her an hundred Marks The Treasurer mistook the Duke gaue her an hundred poundes who shortly after comming to giue vp his accompts to his L. this hundred pounds came then in sight wherunto the Duke excepted and said Why I awarded but one one hundred Markes The Treasurer had then no other shift but to say that his eares mistooke his Honors pleasure Nay replide the Duke rather do I thanke God that he hath affoorded thee better eares then me a good tongue and so he past the accompt for currant A plaine Countrey-man came to demaund iustice of the Lord high Constable of Castile and thus he said I am come to craue Iustice of your Worship I beseech your Excellence to dispatch me for I am a poore man my Lord and vnlesse your Reuerence fauour my case I am vtterly vndone I pray your good Mastership to bee good to mee and I will truly pray God to blesse your Alteze whiles I liue The Constable hereat broke foorth a laughing and saide This poore Swaine will be sure to hit me either high or lowe The said Lord Constable of Castile lying on his death-bed his Treasurer came vnto him besought him to forgiue him the value of xi hundred pounds wherof he had defeated him in his former accompts I doe said the Constable and I wish it were twentie millions more that I might as frely forgiue thee â—t all as I pray God to forgiue me all The Fortresse of Buitrago by negligence was set on fire and burnt downe to the ground the Duke of Infantasgo being therof Lord The Captaine of the place was the first man that brought the Duke newes of the mischance beseeching his Altez that seeing it hapned through his meere default he would seuer his detested head from his shoulders for an example to all carelesse Captains euer after Then the Duke asked him whether his nettes and toyles which he had there for Deere were also perished with the fire he answered No my Lord they are safe That 's well said the Duke As for the Fortresse I tell theeCaptaine take no care for I did mean to haue rased it long agoe A poore Gentleman of the country had bred vp a horse to the perfection of a daintie good one in so much that he made accompt to be a great gainer therby and vpon diligent inquirie after a good Copesmate hee vnderstood that the Duke of Infantasgo would out of doubt giue him more for him than any in all the country besides so greatly that Duke delighted in choyse of good horses To him then this Gentleman needes would with his horse and trauelling on the way the weather being extreame hot and the horse no lesse fat and foggie with ouer much former ease fell downe and died The Gentleman neuertheles got the horse flayed and carried the skin to shew the Duke and said vnto him Your Honor may iudge by this skin what a goodly horse it was and God is my Iudge my L. I was bringing him to offer vnto your Lordship before all others Gramercy said the Duke But tel me what did you value the horse at Beleeue me my Lord he answered not vnder an hundred pounds could haue bought him of me With that the Duke commaunded his Treasurer to giue the poore Gentleman two hundred poundes and saide vnto him I giue you these two hundred poundes as a charge that through your default you neuer suffer any so gallant horse miscarrie any more so mischanceablie vnder your hands Sir Thomas Moore woonted to say that a Lyer as a Lyer resembled counterfeit Coyne and in his other vices is like to light Coyne A Pick-thanke told Don Lopez de Haro that such a one had greatly misused him in tearmes behind his backe aduising him to reuenge the iniurie highly Wherunto Don Lopez answered Now I giue God thankes that though he be able to speak â—ll of me yet hath he not the power to hurt me The Earle of Vrenia meeting an Archbishoppe in the street saluted him with all due reuerence And the Prelate but slightlie resaluted him touching only his hat brim Which the Earle noting stepped to one of his Gentlemen and tolde him It seemes your Lord is either balde mangie or earelesse that he dares not venture off his hatte for feare belike to haue it seene The Earle of Vrenia being to send a letter to a faire Lady was desirous to make proofe of the bearers suâ—ficiency as concerning his due performance of the ceremony thereunto belonging And he called vnto him a newe page of his and said Sirra I am to send you foorth with with a letter to a very faire Ladie let me see how well you can doe your message imagine that I am she and heere hold the Letter and get you gone out at yonder doore and then come in againe and lâ—t me heare what you will say The Page tooke the letter went foorth and came in againe and being come somwhat neere the Earle he doft his hat and downd his knee and kissed the Letter and gaue it him saying Madam my Lord of Vrenia greets your Ladiship hath sent you this Letter The Earle at this instant his hand was in his codpiece and stood stooping thus he answered Welcome my Lad how fareth my Lady the Countesse The Page answered Well like your Honor And the Earle how fareth his L. what is he now a doing He answered My Lord is likewise wel Madam his hand in his codpeece all to bescratching somewhat A poore Gentleman seldome dined from the Earle of Vrenia his boord It chaunced in a forenoone that a tumult arose in the Earles Pallace the Gentleman not being yet come but anon after he came for it was dinner time Whom the Earle seeing sayd vnto him Sir you are welcome though resembling the Smithes dog euermore awake at meale and asleepe at the Anuill The Earle of Vrenia asked one that came from the Court what was reported of him there Who answered Neither good nor bad my Lord that I could heare With that the Earle commanded him to be throughly blowe-basted and beaten and then afterward gaue him fiftie Duckets saying Now maist thou report of Vrenia both good
and bad An ancient Captaine whose beard was hoare-white with age brought word to the Earle of Vrenia how the enemy had surprisd his Forte Trust me Captaine good newes answered the Earle Thou hast lost the â—ort and preseru'd the Barbaâ—ane Barbacane signifying in Spanish a white beard and also a Blockhouse Francisco Symenes Archbishop of Tolledo being deputed high Gouernour ouer Spaine during the Emperours absence in the lowe Countries vpon occasion of some seruice sent for the Earle of Vrenia to come to him to Madryll The Earle arriued as farre as Guadalaiara which was a two dayes iourney off the Court and walking there in the Goldsmyths street chanced to cast his eie vpon a curious peece of plate in one of the shoppes and with that hee stept to it and viewing it and liking it well hee willed the Goldsmith to bring it to his lodging The Goldsmith knew him not and therefore craued his name Then the Earle remembring his olde grudge towardes the Archbishop and taking it in foule scorne to be at his call answered Na na my friend it skils not who I am seeing I am come thus farre A Gentleman neighbour to the Earle of Vrenia in a deere yeare of Corne besought the Earle to supply his present necessity The Earle was well pleased so to doe and willed his Secretorie to drawe a warrant to his Stewarde to measure him out twentie quarters meane while the Earle stood talking with the Gentleman at a window At last the Secretorie hauing drawne the warrant brought it to the Earle to signe Which he perusing and finding that the words went thus I will you to deliuer twentie quarters of wheat to Don Pedro de Gusman wherwith I am willing to pleasure him at this time He straight tore the warrant and all to beknau'd the Secretorie and said Write that he deliuer him twenty quarters for that it pleaseth Don Pedro de Gusman to doe me the honour to accept it A Seruitor of the Earle of Vrenia who was but a poore mans sonne besought his Lords leaue to goe into the Cuntrey for a time for as much as his Father had prouided him a wife there The Earle was content and willed his Chamberlaine to giue him withall a suit of Apparel out of his Wardrop The seruing man assaying many and finding none to fit him in the end the Chamberlaine came and told the Earle of it whereunto the Earle answered Then bid my Treasurer giue him an hundred pounds to buy him one withal The Treasurer paid it and he had it Isabell Queene of Spaine willed Don Alonzo de Aguilar to entitle himselfe Marques of Pliego which was the name of his Manour house He answered That were all one as if your Maiestie would aduise me to marrie my maide The Marques of Cenete was woont to say That to bee rich was not to increase treasure but to diminish appetites Gonzalo Fernandes a braue Spanish Generall walking in a Church heard a Priest loudly praying To whome hee sayd Father what prayer is that you say Hee answered the Prime Straine it not then so high replyd the General least you break it For Prime in Spanish signifieth also a treble Lute string Gonzalo Fernandes vsed to passe much by a poore mans dore who had two very faire daughters which the poore man perceiuing and conceiuing withall that Gonzalos abusiue loue of his daughters might greatly redound to his reliefe He came to him and besought him to help him to some doinges in the Countrey thinking by such his absence the better to leaue his daughters to Gonzalos lust and without that the worlde might iustly suspect any his priuity therunto Gonzalo perceiuing such the poore mans drift desperation took coÌ„passion of his case drawing him into an inner roome gaue him two hundred Crownes in two seuerall bags saying I marie wil I my friend doe for thee Hold heere these two bags and be gone see thou bestow thy daughters presently therwith and as for thy selfe I will prouide for thee besides Gonzalo Fernandes still vsed to say that he remayned debtor to none so much as to them to whom he gaue most So much he esteemed the honour of his bounty The Earle of Cifuentes woonted to say that Noblemen in times past vsed to cast accompt with their Launces and now adaies with compters Don Diego de Mendoza Earle of Melito was woont to say That in the house where is a fountaine there needeth no Cesterne and the Lord that hath fee ynough need hoord vp no treasure The Earle of Cenete being a verie yoong Gentleman at the siege of Perpenian ventured close vnder the wall and darted a Launce into the Castle and came safe away Anon after a couple of hors-men salied foorth of the place and he seeing them would haue ventured to encounter one of them But his Tutor would not suffer him but said Soft Sir first I will go before kill one of them and then come you after and cut off his head Nay reply'd the Earle rather let me goe before and kill one of them and then come you after and kisse his taile The Earle of Lenios awarded Iustice to a Vassâ—ll of his wherwith the party found himselfe greatly agrieued highly exclaimed of the Earles iniustice therin and belike the Earle indeed mistook the matter Whereupon he sent for the party the next day and sayde vnto him My friend thy â—peeches deserue laughter and my errour reformation A Duke of Feria was so honourable in his bounties that he neuer bid his Treasurer any set value to disburse but thus Giue such a one fourty or fifty Crownes 100. or 1â—0 pounds so as the Treasurer rested euermore perplexed how to perform the Dukes pleasure Wherfore being on a time commanded to giue a certain Gentleman 200. or 250. Crownes he came to the Duke to demand his exact pleâ—sure therin Why pesant answered the Duke seekst thou to alter my maner of phrase I tell thee now for good and all vnderstand alwayes the most of my pleasure and there an end Don Bernardin de Velasco delighted so exceedingly in cros-bowes that he deputed an especial roome in his house for their safe custody It chaÌ„ced on a time that being to purchase a goodly manour much cuntrey about it in Andaluzia he had stored vp treasure to the value of 60000 pounds which his Treasurer for more safety had coffered vp disposed in the said cros-bow roome as being the strongest place in all the house Don Bernardin one day comming thether to see his cros-bowes and seeing those coffers there asked what trumpery it was The Treasurer answered Treasure Treasure said Velasco t is trash away with it what makes it here to endanger my cros-bowes A Constable coÌ„ming to arrest a shomaker within his house the shoomakers wife so well bestirred her that she brauely belamb'd the constable whiles in the mean time her husband got away The Constable then came vnto the Duke of Infantasgo complained vnto him
gallant came to runne at the ring all clad in haire-collour veluet and ouer it a vayle of white Taffeta girt close to him ala Morâ—sco Whereupon the Emperour Charles asking his Iester what it was like he answered Like the bowels of a beast wrapt in their calle A Gent. came in a maske vested all in blacke ouer-figured with Deaths heads and one that saw it said Iesu what a number of Fooles faces haue we there The Gent. Page standing by answered Nay there lackes yours to make it seeme so OF OFFICERS A Spanish Earle retain'd an Vsher for his Ladie and bid his Steward set him down twentie-pounde wages The Steward for his Lords profit would not set him downe presently according as he was encharg'd but of a month after In which meane time the Earle asking the Vssher whether the Steward had yet set him downe in his booke or no he answered No and like your honour hee will haue mee stand on my legges one moneth to an end A Gent. of her Majesties priuie-chamber comming to a merrie Recorder of London about some state-affaire met him by chance in the street going to dinner to the Lord Maior and proffered to deliuer him his encharge But the dinnerly Officer was so hastie on his way that he refus'd to heare him posting him ouer to an other season The Gent. notwithstaÌ„ding stil vrged him to audieÌ„ce without discouering vnto him either who he was or what he would Wherupon the Recorder then merily turn'd backe to his horse and said Horse tell this man that I am going to dinner to my L. Major and that I cannot now intend his tittle tattle for well I wot he will not beleeue mee Wherunto the Gent. no lesse pleasently answered No horse not so I pray thee but thus Tell the Asse thy maister that I am G. of the priuy chamber one that is come to him about busines of state and will him to dispatch me presently as hee will answer the contrarie A Constable had direction to disarme al that passed through his quarter after ten a clocke at night and a merrie fellow chancing to passe that way sayd vnto him Are you the Gallant that must disarme all passengers this way too night Goe yee then to such a Cookes house and take froÌ„ him a Corslet of mine which lieth there in pawne for pies A Commendador of Spaine being discharged of his office vowed neuer to make his will vntil it had pleased the King to re-install him thereinto which the king shortly after daign'd to doe And then the first words of his will were these All that euer I haue the Kings Majesty gaue it me A Canallio signifies in Spanish a horse-backe and acaballio to end or dispatch any thing A Maior of a towne riding posse through the street to pacifie a tumult a Gent. of his acquaintaÌ„ce met him and ask'd him whether he went so a Cauallio that is so mounted The Maior answered acaballio Two Fellons were adjudg'd to die and yet at last through much entreatie it pleas'd the Iudge in fauour of life to ingalley them for seuen yeers The hangman seeing that straight stept in and besought the Iudge to rid him of his office and appoint some other in his place Being ask'd wherfore hee answered Because you barre me of my right One chaunced vpon the night watch and the Constable demaunded his weapon who straight discouered his cloake and shew'd him a bottle of wine and said Loe heere all my weapon The Constable took his said weapon from him he and his mates drunk vp all the wine and then deliuer'd him the emptie bottle saying Holde heer friend the sheath againe A Constable raising vp his parish by night to assist justice made his proclamation thus All you that doe not foorthwith rise and come to assist the Kings peace and Iustice shall forfeit vnto the Exchecker a 100. stripes Theeues were a rifling a Gent. house by night the watch came in with torches to attache them Now one of them to saue himselfe by dark strooke out one of their torches and ran away But being afterwardes apprehended the Constable said vnto him Belike friend you are next heire to the halter that you desir'd so much the torches death A Courtiers man came to Queene Isabels Harbinger and tolde him that the chamber which he assign'd his maister was much at a fault with that the Harbinger pointing him to a gibbet that stood before the Court gate answered If your masters chamber be at a fault see yonder where stands a gibbet One being condemn'd to be shot to death for a rape the maid in fauour of his life was content to beg him for her husband Which being condiscended vnto by the Iudge according to the law of Spaine in that behalfe in steps me the hangman all in a chafe and sayd vnto the Iudge Howe I pray you sir can that be seeing the stake is already in the ground the rope the arrrowes the Archers all in a readinesse and heere I am come for him In a prouinciall visitation in the territorie of Toledo enquirie was made for such kinde of women as did cure folke with charms and superstitions And among others a decrepit Beldam was brought before the Visitor who asking her what cures she did she answered Forsooth maister I wash to the Marchants masterships of Toledo A Souldiour comming about a sute to a merrie Recorder of London the Recorder seeing him out at the window ran hastilie into an inner roome there put on a Corslet and a head-peece then with a Launce in his hand came down vnto him and sayd How now Sirra are you the man that hath somwhat to say to mee Begin now when you dare for behold I trow I am sufficiently prouided for you A Maior of London died the verie same day that hee was elected vvhereupon one thus merrilie saide A vigilant Maior he was that neuer â—lept all the time of his Maioralty A merrie Recorder of London being to discide a brable between two Citizens the one called Dunscombe the other Cox vnderstanding what a paltrie matter it was hee thus jestinglie said vnto them Sirs I verie wel conceiue your case and thus I senteÌ„ce it Namely you Dunscombe deliuerye vp to Cox al your combe reseruing only Duns to your selfe so be you still a Duns and he a Coxcombe A Gent. riding through a countrey-parish and being destitute of money sold his horse to the Constable there who seeing that he had an easie peniwoorth straight arrested the Gent. vpon suspition of fellonie Namely that he had stolne the saide horse An Abbot had bespoken of a Gold-smith a dozen of rich Candlestickes and paid most of the money aforehand Shortly after the Gold-smith died and the Abbot came to demaund the Candlesticks of his widow which he knew were by that time all finished Wherunto she making denyal and refusing to take notice of any such matter th'Abbot was faine to get an Oâ—ficer to enter
basket capable of the one halfe there are iust two baskets-ful The Emperour Charles being present at a Bull-bayâ—ing with dartes a couple of Gallantes brauely mounted shewed themselues most forward in the game which the Emperour noting ask'd his Iester what hee thought of them who answered They shall euen perish both together as did S. Philip and S. Iames. And indeed it fell out so that the Bull ouerthrew them both from their horses and left them there for dead A couetous Earle came to salute the Emperour Charles and his Iester seeing him still pointed to him and saiâ— to the Emperour Este es conde Este es Conde viz. this is the Earle this is the Earle Esconde signifying also in Spanish to hide or to hoord vp The foresaid Iester was stab'd to death by a Courtier for his ouer insolent mis-demeanour towards him And as he was a carrying home to his lodging accompaned with a great multitude of people at last his wife espy'd him out at the window said Alas my deer husband what is it he Oh what a piteous sight doe I see The Iester ouer-hearing her answered Nay nay wife no great matter wife only they haue slaine your husband The said Iester being at the point of death another Iester came to see him and said Ah my deere Francisco and wilt thou needs bee gone Then sweet Francisco when thou commest to thy kingdome I pray thee pray for me That will I answered Francisco but to th' end I may the better remember thee hold heer tie a thred about my finger The wagges of the Court had curtayl'd a Iesters nagge and he in reuenge thereof cut off the vpper lippes of a maine Courtiers Sâ—eeds in the base Court who coÌ„ming downe from the Presence euerie one to take his horse and laughing to see the Iesters nag at the court-gate so disfigured Laugh on laugh on sirres said the Iester I dare warrant yee you shall see your horses laugh too anon and out-laugh ye all A little Noble-man wore a broad brim'd hat in the Court and a Iester seeing it said Giue my Lord but such another hat below and you may serue him vp to the Emperours boord as betweene two dishes A Iester seeing a poore Gent. at dinner time now and then conuey a Modicum of euerie dish into the cape of his cloake sayd vnto the companie Sirs I am now determined to make my last will Testament before you all And first I bequeath my soule to God and my body to be buried in the cape of yonder Gentlemans cloake and with that stepping to him snatch'd his cloake from him and all to shooke it before the companie Then out dropp'd heere a bird and there a bird and choice of much good cheere he still shaking it and saying I meane this cloak sirs this cloake I meane A Iester vs'd to say that as soone as euer he perceiued a fray toward he straight became a Launce-man Being ask'd how so he answered Marie I lanch foorthwith into the next house A Iester meeting the Duke of Infantasgo between two fantasticall gallants cry'd out aloud vnto him My Lord my Lord you goe in danger The Duke asking him wherof he answered of drowning were it not for those two bladders on either arme of you The Cardinall Siliceo being on a time merrily disposed sent for one Rauago a pleasant fellow to disport him withall Who after he had pleasantly jested before him a good while at last fell to begging and besought a good thing which the Cardinall graunted him Then he besought his Grace to put him in good security for the performance of his said grant With that the Cardinal naming a certain singingman of that church the Iester excepted vnto him and said Nay nay my Lord I le no such sureties as weare no buttons vpon their doublets for feare the aire cary them away A Iester seeing an old Gent. in the street homely attir'd and wearing an old fashion'd Tablet hanging downe his breast before said It is a good letter though enterlined A Iester being ask'd what time he would gladliest choose to die in he answered When Iohn a Nokes dies And why so said th'oâ—her Marie because quoth he hee is so errand an Vsuring Cuckold-maker that whensoere hee dies I am sure the deuilles wil be all so busie about his soule that mine may sneak along by them and nere be seene A Iester lying a dying sent for a shoo-maker and will'd him to make him a paire of shooes for his soule the soales all of Bell-mettle The Shoo-maker asking him why so he answered Marie to th' end my friends may know by my loud trampling in heauen after I am dead that there I am OF SERVING-MEN AND PAGES THe Duke of Infantasgo sent his Page with a Peacocke between two curious Venice-dishes to the Earle of Saldania and it chaunced that as the Page discouered the vpper dish to shew the Earle the present down it fell and broke all to peeces The Earle receiued the Peacocke and return'd one of his Gent. with the Page to excuse him to the Duke who hearing of the mischance all in anger ask'd the Page how he brake it with that he hauing the other dish in his hand let it fall to the ground and broke it and then said Euen thus and like your Grace I broke it A plaine Steward gaue in amongst other his accomptes to his Maister Item â—or scouring the Priuie and trimming your Worships beard ij shillings vj. pence Such an other Accomptant gaue vp in his accompts to his maister amongst other things Item for a peniworth of lace ij pence A Gent. Cooke forsooke him and went to serue another maister whom the Gent. meeting certaine moneths after attired all in greene said vnto him Me thinkes N. you looke verie greene now a daies True sir answered the Cooke for I am sow'd in a good ground A Nobleman of Spaine whose liuing was good but not excessiue had a vaine in placing and displacing his seruants especiallie his Bayliffes and Accomptants Wherupon his mother asking one of his men on a time what place hee had in his maisters seruice or what accompts he yeelded vp at the yeeres end he answered Actes and Monuments A Seruing-man was discoursing to his maister how bountifull Don Diego Desa Bishop of Ciuill was vnto his Seruants who answered He doth well for that all that he hath he hath it but during his life The Seruing-man reply'd Now I pray you sir for how many liues enioy you your goods One Gent. was a telling to an other that his Page was run away from him notwithstanding he had alwaies vs'd him wel both with good clothes to his back and spending money in his purse Wherunto the other answered And I for my part haue a poore knaue whom I still keep bare and pennilesse and yet he loues me well and will neuer forsake mee How can he forsake you repli'd th' other hauing no winges wherwith to flie away Certaine
for his first offence one ask'd him certaine dayes after how he had sped hee answered Marie the whole matter was referred euen to mine owne handling A Fellon who had been pardon'd many his former misdemeanours being brought againe to the barre for a new matter said that if bee might escape but that time hee would neuer whiles hee liu'd incurre the like daunger more Whereunto a Sarjeant standing by answered Wel maist thou liue to prooue an honest man in deed for well I wot thou hast hetherto out-liu'd a great deale of villanie A Ruffian and a queane were to be whipt at a Carts taile in Ciuill and the wench being brought foorth of the Iayle and meeting her said mate at the cart before her said vnto him For your sake Sir knaue come I hether to be whipt and dishonored to day Hee answered Gogs nownes whoore and where am I I pray thee A Fellon being to be turn'd off the ladder call'd for a glasse ofwine and receiuing the cup he blew off the froth and saide Oh it is nought for the raines of my backe A Fellon being to suffer a maide came to the gallowes to beg him for her husband according as the custome of Spaine dispenceth in that case The people seeing this said vnto the fellow Now praise God that he hath thus mercifullie preseru'd thee and see thou euer make much of this kind woman that so friendly saues thy life With that the Fellon well viewing her seeing a great skarre in her face which did greatlie disfigure her and with all she was old and of a sowre complexion hee then said vnto the Hangman On my good friend doe thy dutie I 'le none of her A Fellon being brought to the Sessions house for a robberie and being conuicted of the fact and vpon the point to receiue judgement the Iudge ask'd him what hee could say for himselfe he answered And like your honour I thought they were Papists goods A Fellon being to bee throwne of the ladder said to the people Haue at yonder Daisie A Fellon that had lost one of his eares for his former fact was condemn'd the second time to loose the other his haire was so ouer-grown and hung so wildly about his face that the Hangman could not readily find his eare and was thereat half angrie which the Fellon seeing was no lesse chollericke and said Gogs nailes villaine am I bound to find thee eares euerie Sessions Two Theeues came by night to rob a Marchantes shop and it chanced that a boy lay there that night who ouer-hearing their attempt said vnto them Sirs get you gone and come againe anon for I am not yet asleepe An Officer passing along the street in an euening saw three or foure good fellowes carrying a chest and certain loose plate out of a house and hee ask'd them whose goods they were they answered Of yonder house where you saw vs come out which we carie to another house because the good-man there is eueÌ„ now dead of the plague his houshold remoues forth with Then the Officer ask'd them how it chanced that none of the house stood weeping at the street-doore such being the Spanish maner in that case they answered I warrant yee you shall see weeping eyes ynough ther to morrow And so he did indeed For walking that way in the morning he saw the good wife weeping at her doore for the losse of her plate and other rich goods which they carried away in that chest One did a robbery in one sheere and was taken in an other and being brought before the Iustice there the Iustice thought good to returne him backe againe to the other sheere where he committed the robberie Wherupon the theefe saide vnto him I pray sir if that be Lawe let me aske you one question How if a man be takeÌ„ a bed to night with his neighbors wife ought he to be sent thether againe the next night too A Fellon at the barre pleading eagerly in his defence and seeing the Iudge busie in talke with one that came and deliuer'd him a message said vnto him I pray my Lord tend to your Iustice and let that knaue alone till another time Wherunto the Iudge answered Feare not sir knaue I warrant you I le see to you well ynough The Fellon reply'd I had rather you did not see me at all But seeing you doe I had rather you saw me lesse and heard me more Theeues entring by night into a poore mans cottage in a CoÌ„mon who was no more woorth then the verie bare matteresse hee lay vpon and the couerlet therunto his doublet hose seruing him for his pillow a nights they robb'd him of al Then he all in vain intreating for his apparell at last said vnto them Why sirres what I laid not downe by day will you take away by night A Countrie-man being set vpon by a Theefe was so light of foote that he scap'd away from him Which the theefe perceiuing and being quite out of hope to ouertake him stood still and fell extreamly a laughing to himselfe The countrieman theÌ„ turning back and seeing him so merrie thought haply that he was some old acquaintance of his grown out of remembrance that in jest had all that while pursu'd him and in that conceipt came towards him and still the theef laugh'd more more as seeming his acquaintance Insomuch as the plaine fellow suspecting no danger came within his danger and faâ—re loft his purse A Scholler being to be hang'd for robbing his father in law at the very instant that he was to be throwne off the ladder said Dulce mori pro Patria A Fellon at the barre saying to a pitifull Iudge And like your Honor the thing I am heere accus'd of was not woorth aboue a Crown on my conscience With that the Iudge turn'd him to the Iurie said Hear ye not sirs what the poor fellow saith hee saith it was not woorth aboue a Crowne And I say vnto you that a mans life is more woorth then 20. Crownes A Fellon at the gallowes said vnto the Hangman Villain better yet be hang'd then bee a Hangman like thee True answered the Hang-man were it not for hanging A Iudge condemn'd a Traitor to be hang'd and quartered And the Traytor said Euen so Pilate what hanginges and curtaines too OF CONY-CATCHERS A Merry Gent. landing at a sea-towne in this land and lying ther in an Inne at greater charge theÌ„ his present indigence could defray bid his man in a morning go down and mal-content himselfe before the Hoste and Hostesse and mumblinglie to say Lord what a scalde maister doe I serue This it is to serue such Seminarie Priestes and Iesuits Nowe before God I 'le euen leaue him in the lurch and shift for my selfe Heer 's adoe about Penance Mortification as though forsooth the Lord had not dy'd ynough for all The fellow mumbled out these his instructions so disguisedly that it strooke a constant jealousie in the Inholders heart
WITS Fittes and Fancies Fronted and entermedled with Presidentes of Honour and Wisdome Also LOVES OVVLE An idle conceited dialogue betwene Loue and an olde man Recta securus A. C. Imprinted at London by Richard Iohnes at the sign of the Rose and Crowne next aboue S. Andrewes Church in Holborne 1595. To the Right Honourable GEORGE Earle of CVMBERLAND Baron CLIFFORD Lord of Westmerland Bromfleet Vipount and Vessa and of the most honourable order of the Garter Knight All fortune euer equall to his valourous woorth THe multiplicity of my duteous affections towards your Lordship confounds my conceipt how to honour you in good sort still dispurposing my wil of all especiall intended seruices to make mee serue you as it were at randome Wherfore I haue now at last condiscended to the generalty and doe here present your Lordship these Wittes Fittes and Fancies a large and vniuersall matter which were they not fronted and suffused with an honest blush of Honour and Wisdome your owne proper Cullours I would not haue aduentured in so high a place And if besides therin be any absurditie escaped vnanswerable to so great worth and Noblenesse as is in your L. I hope the generaltie of the matter ioint that the Author is a stranger will if not priuiledge such amisse yet at least wise holde it excused in your fauour It seemeth the Spaniard for his part for so he was did not baselie conceipt this matter that did dare direct it to so high a State as Don Iohn of Austria his Lieges brother But how ere it were blameworthy or innocence in him I recke not neither yet force I howe Don Iohn conceipted it so your Lordship daigne it in gree I did intende it to your late sea-voyage to the ende it might haue pleased you to passe away therwith some vnpleasant houres But as it was not ripe ynough for that season so now I pray God it come in due season to your good liking Diuers of them are of mine own inserting that without any iniury I hope to my Authour the which are easily to be discerned from his for that they taste more Englishlie Neither haue I vsed his Methode therein but haue set downe one of mine owne which I take to be better Which both methode and matter if I shall once perceiue your L. to daigne it in your fauour I will not feare that any Gentleman will easilie disgrace it to whome next vnder your Lordship I wish it currant and well accepted For such I knowe is generally their deuotions to your woorth that whatsoeuer matter all were it guilt it selfe that is once refuged to your Vertues shrine and Sanctuarie they will not rashlie rauish it to arraignment and publike shame As for my Loues Owle in the latter ende the trueth is I can pretend it no outlandish priuiledge to your Honours fauour and therefore doe rather leaue it to your pardon then good liking as a follie of an idle vaine Vpon which your said pardon of the one and good liking of the other presuming I will endeuour according to my euer vowed and bounden dutie to your L. to serue you God willing in some better worth hereafter Hoping that what I haue heer done may at least wise serue to put better wittes in minde to honour your Noblenesse aswell with their peacefull pens as others doe with their sea-paines Your Lordships in all humble seruice reuerently deuoted Anthonie Copley To the Gentlemen READERS GEntlemen these Wittes Fittes and Fancies are of the nature to admit no eloquence wherewith to delight yee as also manie of them to seem barren at the first sight which neuertheles to the second eie may minister content and merriment Vnderstand yee therefore that I direct them not to the sullen and moodie person who happily in his austeritie will befoole a great manie of them before euer hee read them as matter either differing from his soure disposition or perhaps aboue his wit Neither doe I professe them as regular Methodes or deepe grounded Axiomes of Logicke certaintie but as certaine free Offals and presidents of Wits wandering variety Momus Gentlemen I confesse were able to make a foule wracke among them were he as precise as he is malicious Wherefore my desire is they come not vnder his Rauin nor yet vnder Minos heauie censure But vvhosoeuer is Gentle merrie-wittie he take all Neither must anie person of what vocation soeuer take offence at any thing herein coÌ„tained Considering that mirth not malice meanes it all As for my Loues Owle I am content that Momus turn it to a tennis-ball if he can bandy it quite away namelie I desire M. Daniel M. Spencer other the Prime Poets of our time to pardon it with as easie a frowne as they please for that I giue them to vnderstand that an Vniuersitiâ— Muse neuer pend it though humbly deuoted thereunto Yours in desire to please you A. C. Wits Fits and Fancies OF KINGS AND PRINCES ALONSO de Valentia hauing yeelded to Ferdinando king of Spaine the Forte of Samora it pleased the king at his entry therinto to view the King of Portugall his rich wardrop there where hauing suruaid a good space al his royall robes and iewels hee refused in the ende to ransacke it neither would he bestow any one garment or iewell vpon any of his traine Wherupon a Gallant then standing by thus said vnto him Pleaseth your Maiestie the King of Portugall hath not forborn any rapine that euer he could attaine vnto either vpon your Graces proper goods or any of your subiects and wil your Maiesty then daigne to deale thus ciuilly with him Whereunto the King answered All that I desire of my Nephew of Portugall is but to take away the bad conceipts and opinions of his will and not the attires of his person A Portugall deliuered a Forte to the foresaid Ferdinando King of Spaine and being shortly after with the King in other seruice against his Countrimen who very brauely defended their holde hee saide vnto him And it like your Maiestie I â—endred you my Forte with halfe this adoe Yea mary answered the King and therfore had I rather trust this defendantes sonnes with my Fortes then yours A Portugall Gentleman besought his King of a protection against certaine his enemies who had vowed his death The King thereunto condiscended and gaue it him Shortly after he came againe vnto the King and complained to him of the great feare he went in notwithstanding his protection whereunto the King answered From feare I cannot protect you The Duke of Nazareth comming to the Court to doe his dutie to the Emperour in most riche and sumptuous robes and his liueries most gallant The Emperessâ— seeing him out at a window saide It seemeth that Nazareth comes rather to bee seene of vs then to see vs. A Moore-King of Granada called Chiquito yeelded the said towne to Ferdinando King of Spaine vppon composition and being marched away with his troops a mile or two froÌ„
of the battery and of the shoomakers vviues misusage alledging that if so scandalous a fact were not very seuerely that eftsoones corrected it would greatly redound to his L. disgrace wherunto the Duke answered Seeing as thou saist the disgrace will be mine I forgiue the shoomakers wife Don Bernardin de Bâ—badilia entring into the Earle of Beniuenta his priuy chaÌ„ber the Earle did not arise to salute him WherupoÌ„ al in a chafe he flung out said your L. is good for a vassal A worshipful Gentleman saying in complement to th' Earle of Vrenia I rest euer your Honors poore friend and with that sucesing and adioyning afterward and your humble seruiture The Earle answered I had taken you at your first word viz. for a friend had you not afterward adioyned seruiture A King of Spaine commanded a gallerie to bee built vpon Arches all along a streete from his pallace to Don Inigo Lopez his pallace and vnderstanding that it was all finished hee sent a Gentleman of his priuie chamber to goe view the work and bring him true report therof and withall to salute in his name Don Inigo Lopez The Gentleman being arriued there view'd the work and did the Kingssalute vnto the Nobleman who answered Most humble thankes vnto the Kings salute and I pray tell his highnesse I am well and doe rest ready at all his Maiesties employance only I maruell why it hath pleased his Highnes to daigne so vnnecessary a prop to my strong house At the funeral of the King of Hungary the Emperour Charles passed along in a mourning robe the Earle of Nassao bore vp his traine An officious Gentleman retainer to the said Earle supposing it no lesse curtesie to doe the like to his Lord tooke vp his traine and bore it vp after him a good way At last the Earle looking backe espy'd him and said Let downe sir foole and be gone in a knaues name A Dutchesse was iealious of a faire Gentlewoman conceipting that she vsed some vnlawfull meanes to distray her Duke to her amitie and in this mind sent for her to murther her The innocent Gentlewoman suspecting no such daunger came and being in the place of death the Dutchesse regarding her exceeding rare beautie dismist her againe saying It is thy beautie hath slaine me and saued thee Certaine Ladies comming to visite an honorable person who was become a Friar and had left the world they said That they greatly meruelled that so high a state as hee would leaue the world who had alwayes liued most honorably therin and at his hearts ease He answered Euen as you say Ladies I haue alwayes hetherto bestow'd my fine floure on the world and now therfore is it meet that at leastwise I giue my bran vnto my God if so it please him to accept it A widow Gentlewoman in a dearth of corne came to the Earle of Vrenia and besought him of his charity to releeue her With that the Earle called his Secretarie vnto him bid him draw a warrant to his Bailiffe to deliuer her so much The Secretarie whether he mistook his L pleasure or whether he was willing to vse his owne discretion therein set downe lesse then the Earles award namely but xx bushels and so brought it to the Earle to signe Who seeing so small a quantity as but twentie bushels was highly displeasd and blotted it out and wrote ouer it fiue hundred Whereat his Secretary seeming greatly to muse the Earle sayd Thus hath thy folly made me a more Foole but goe to so it shall passe for this once And hee passed it so The Earle of Cabra being a very valiant Gentleman arming himselfe on a time to goe skirmishe the enemie his Gentlemen greatly meruelled to see him so tremble and quiuer all the time he was of arming which the Earl perceiuing said See see Sirs how basely my flesh quakes to think in what a pecke of troubles my aduenturous hart wil put it in anon A Nobleman had his young sonne vp to the Court who being a delicate youth the Ladies eyes were neuer off him neglecting all other gallants he being in place Which the Nobleman perceiuing said vnto them Are you so ouer-ioyed with the sight of greâ—ne barley that you forget your prouander afore you Don Bernardino Piementel had his house plentifullie furnished with all maner rich and necessarie things In so much as it pleased the King his Liege to grace it in his progresse time with his suruey Who when he had view'd it all froÌ„ one office to another in the end he greatly commended him saying That he was a good common-wealthes-man Whereupon a Noble man this Piementels ill-willer then by said vnto the King And like your Maiestie there is not the least citie or town in al your land but is better furnished True answered Piementell and yet I assure you my Lord not any whit of all this prouision came from your towne of Burgos Alauarda in Spanish signifies a Halberd and Aluarda a pack saddle A Nobleman willed his Secretarie to write a Letter to a Gentleman a friend of his in Tolledo for a dozen of Alauardas viz. Halberds Now the Secretarie through negligence wrote Aluardas viz. Pack-saddles Which the Noble man set his hand to without ere reading it so sent it away The Gentleman meaning simply bought a dosen of Pack-saddles and sent them to the Nobleman according to the contents of his letter Which being presented to his view withal perceiuing by the Gentlemans letter such the contents of his own he straight found out his Secretaries errour whome he presently called vnto him and gaue him in regard of such his grosse ouersight one halfe of the pack-saddles and th' other sixe he reserued to himself as in respect he was so carelesse as to set his hand to a letter before ere he red it The Marques of Santiliana customed to say that ceremonies are ynough for strangers but deeds befit friends The Marques of Santiliana was a great student and being on a time merrily reprehended therfore by his illiterate friends he said I conuerse better with my books then with you The Marques of Comares talking with the President of Cordua said vnto him that the Romaines maintained a rich Common wealth and but meane houses and the Spaniards rich houses and but a hungrie common-wealth A Commendador-Maior of Spaine whose steward was all to miserlie for his thrift said vnto him I pray thee N. lesse profite and more honour A Noble man hauing many Guestes vpon a time at dinner with him and his bord not very wel furnisht call'd his steward vnto him and said Why N. this dinner is like a leaden blade the point and the pummel soon bent together The Earle of Cifuentes being Ambassadour for his Spanish King at the Court of Rome being present at a Councel holden in the Popes Consistory at which were present Ambassadours from most Christian nations and a many Cardinals and the Pope himselfe and
that I vittaile my paunch well aforehand A Passenger at sea feeling his stomacke rise sayd to the maister of the ship I pray holde still the ship a while til I vomite A ship sayling toward Peru a mighty storme arose and endangered it Wherupon the Captaine charged euery man to throw into the sea the heauiest thing he could best spare to the ende to lighten somewhat the ship A passenger that had his wife there offred then to throw her ouer boord but the company rescued her And being asked what he ayled so to doe he answered She is the heauiest thing I haue and I can best spare her One counsailed his friend to passe along by sea from Newcastle to London affirming that with a good wind he might arriue there both soner then by land with half the charge Th' other answered No I list not ride vpon a horse that goes an end and that I cannot alight off him at all seasons when I list my selfe A waterman affirmed that all boates were females And his reason was because folke vse to enter into them A ship being by mischaunce set on fyre vpon the coast of Peru and past all recouery a souldiour threw himselfe into the sea and said Some rost some sod A Fishmonger in a tempest at sea seeming to feare drowning The Mariners asked him whether he fear'd to be eaten of Fishes He answered No rather may Fishes fear me One praying his friend to lend him his cloake The other answered Seing it raines not what need yee er'e a cloake and if it should raine why then should I need it my selfe OF POLITITIANS A Polititian wonted to say Who so deceiues me once God forgiue him If twise God forgiue him and God forgiue me But if thrise still God forgiue him but ner'e forgiue me One vsed to say that men now a dayes make more of all things then our forefathers did all but our graues One would needs prooue that men now a dayes are wiser then men of old time and his reason was Because they could remedy euill but only with good but men now adayes can remedy one mischiefe with another One vsed to say That it is alwayes good to misse a friend before he be missing One vsed to say Better be poore at the beginning then at the latter ending Philip Duke of Burgundie was woonted to say Of great personages speak neither good nor bad For if thou speake good of them happily thou belieâ—t them if euill thou maist repent it A Polititian alwayes wisht his enemie these three aduantages viz. A iust plea in law to loue such as wish him ill and to win at the beginning of play A polititian aduising a yoong Gentleman to deale doublie and dissemble twentie maner of faces in the affaire hee had in hand He answered I list not slaue my â—elfe to so many faces for that one good face is both better worth and a great deale easier to represent A Polititian aduising a wel disposed person to counterfeit a patient behauiour toward such a ones extreame rudenesse seeing he was likely in time to receiue some benefite at his handes if he please him well Th' other answered I list not slaue my selfe to aduantages The Italians vse to say De che me â—lo me guarde Iddio De châ— no me fio me guardare Io That is A fained friend God shield me from his danger For well I 'le saue my selfe from foe and stranger OF SVTE AND SVTERS ONe Henrie Goldingham that had long sued to her Maiestie for her Signe to his graunted suite and her Maiestie still saying that she had no pen and inke at hand to doe it at last he humbled his Bill to her highnesse foote and said May it then please your Maiesty but to step your royall foot heerupon and I my selfe will then warrant it for good Her Maiestie so well liked of such his merrie conceipt that presentlie calling for pen and inke did daigne to signe it The Cardinall Don Pedro Gonzales being 80. yeares old a seruiâ—or of his as old or rather older then himselfe besought him of the Alcaldeship of Canales an office which was latelie fallen into his graunt Wherunto the Cardinall answered that hee was sorie he had spoken so late forasmuch as hee had already granted it to another promising that the next that fell he should haue it without all faile Oh my good Lord reply'd the seruitor but what thing in this worlde can sooner fall voide then your Grace or I An Italian Captaine in the Low-cuntries besought the Duke of Parma of an vnreasonable sute which the Duke refused him and he humbly thanked his Altez therfore Wherat his friends and fellowes by marueyling he said Euen humble thankes for that his Excellence hath so speedily dispatcht me A yoong Nobleman in Spaine suing a Duke for his Dutchie in the midst of all his law fell in loue with a very mean Gentlewoman whose name was Blanke and married her foorthwith Wherat his father was in a great chafe and said The foole suing for a Dukedome would he be pleasd with a Blanke A poore man was an humble suter to a Gentleman who said vnto him I pray thee fellow be gone for thy breath stinks miserablie of garlike He answered Not I Sir happily it is my sute that stinks vnto you A Gentleman passing along vnder his Mistresse window she chanced spitting out therat to spit vpon him and foorthwith perceiuing her amisse crau'd pardon of him therfore who answered Forsooth Lady a Fisher-man wets and dables himselfe all day long and perchance catcheth but shrimps in the end and I to catch so faire a Trout as you doe you thinke I can loth so slight a deaw Faith no. A reuerend person besought a largesse of a Prince for a friend of his and the Prince refus'd it him he neuertheles stil entreated it would not be til at last humbling himself vpon his knee at the princes foot with much entreatie he obtain'd it A many gentlemen standing by condemn'd such his too much basenes considering his grauitie and wisdom told him that he had therin greatlie discredited his reuerence magnanimitie He answered That is not my fault Gentlemen but the princes whose eares as you see are in his heeles One besought a Iudge for iustice and thus he said My good Lord wheras the iniurie that such a one hath done me is verie hell Now howsoeuer it shall please your L. to end the matter I will accompt it heauen OF GAME AND GAMESTERS A Lady had an vnthriftie son and she being to take water on a time and seeing the billowes rough and the winde high â—aid vnto him Son if I drowne to day I praye thee play not away my cloathes till I be buried One vsed to say that dice and purging pilles were of like nature â—or that a litle of th' one purgeth a mans panch throughly and as litle of the other a mans purse One dispraisd Dice and said that Dicers
band of souldiours with much shot so as the smoke was verie thick vnsauory one of his Gent. besought him to hasten somwhat faster froÌ„ out that fume Oh no answered the Cardinal this is the sent that pleaseth me aboue al the incense in the world The Cardinal Symenes being deputed high gouernour ouer all Spaine in the Emperour Charles his absence vnderstaÌ„ding at last that the Emperour was now landed againe on the coast At this present newes he disposed all the treasure he then had in his handes to the Colledge of Alcala and to other Church vses as though that Spaine nowe needed no treasure for her defence so long as the Emperour was there arriued in person And as concerning the saide treasure he said that if an Angell from heauen should haue told him before the Emperours landing that his Maiestie would not rid him therof at his arriual he would haue thought him some deuill in an Angels shape And that now no lesse would he think him a Deuil that should come and tell him that the Emperour would not acquite him thereof hauing dispos'd it to so good vses The foresaid Cardinall neuer bestowed benefice vpon any that came to beg it at his hands It chanced on a time that a priest hearing of a rich benefice that was newly fallen in his countrey and being verie liquorish thereof came vnto him and thus bespake him Most reuerend Sir forasmuch as well I wot your Grace neuer bestowes benefice vpon any that craues it at your handes I giue you to vnderstand that in my country there is a benefice fallen into your graunt which would very well besteed me by reason it is neer the place where I was borne Now I humblie beseech your Graces good aduise how I may come by it Well answered the Cardinall you shall haue it forthwith he commanded his Secretarie to draw him out a faire collation which was done and he had it The Cardinall Don Pedro Gonzales de Mendoza vpon a Christmas morning offred at a Masse an entier Altar-suit so rich as it was valued at eighteen thousand Crownes and after his saide Offertorie ended kneeling downe before the Altar hee there remained a good space in humble prayer and teares Which the Marques of Cenete seeing came to him said Reuerend Father I beseech you weepe no more for I 'le vndertake to get you the whole suite restor'd you againe The said Cardinall seeing a Priest carying a cudgell vnder his gowne said vnto him It yll beseemes your habit to beare a weapon about you Wherunto the Priest answered and protested that hee bare it not in quarrell against any Christian creature in the world but only to defend himselfe against the dogges of that towne which he found to be fierce and angrie curres Oh reply'd the Cardinall wherfore I pray you then serues S. Iohns Gospell He answered True my Lord but these curâ—es vnderstand no Latine and therefore against them am I faine to beare this defence as you see The Cardinall Don Alonso Manrique spent much and ow'd much There was in his Church a Channon who was so good a fellow that he seldome eat at home yet neuertheles retain'd a Steward in continuall standing wages Wherupon the Cardinall vpon a time merrily asking him what he meant to keep a Steward hauing so little vse to put him to The Channon no lesse merrilie answered Your Grace hath great reason for in sooth my Lord my Steward and your Treasurer may very well be whipt at a Carts tayle for vagabondes A Gentleman of Cardinall Wolsey making way before his Lord as he passed through the church seeing a poore priest kneeling at his prayers in the way raised him vp saying Room for my Lord Cardinalls Grace Whereupon the priest rose vp and said Will his Grace trow ye supplie my place A Bishopricke â—as bestow'd vpon one that seem'd to bee a man of good life but was not generally so reputed And the Cardinall Loyasa greeted him thus My Lord God send you joy and I am glad you are prouided of a Sea before your hypocrisie be fullie ended Don Alonso Cartillio a Spanish Archbishop his housholde expence was so excessiue that on a time his Stewarde telling him that except he tooke some more moderat course of liuing his rents could not possiblie maintaine it Wel answered the Archbishop set me downe then what meane you would haue me obserue in this matter Whereunto the steward replying that it might please his Grace to put away all idle persons and retaine only necessarie ones Wel reply'd the Prelate but giue me then a note of such as you judge necessarie and another of the vnnecessarie The steward did so Then the morrow after the Bishop commanding all his houshold before him into his great hall will'd his steward to set his necessary seruants in a row by themselues on the one side and the vnnecessary ones likewise seuerall by themselues on the other side which being done he theÌ„ said vnto his steward These necessarie ones which you haue heer placed I haue need of them all these others I tell thee they haue all need of mee Wherefore necessary and vnnecessary I will still retaine them all A poor widow that had her only daughter to bestow humbly besought the aforesaid Archbishop of his bountie towards her preferment The Bishop was content and calling for pen and inke wrote a warrant downe into the country to his steward to deliuer her fiftie pounds thinking indeed he had written but fiue pounds WheÌ„ the steward saw the bill he straight tooke horse and rode vp to the Bishop and told him Your Grace hath awarded yonder poore widow fifty poundes for her daughter and so it is that I haue not so much in hand No said the Bishop what not poore fiue pounds Yes fiue and like your Grace answered the steward but your assignation is fifty pounds Be it fiftie pounds then reply'd the Bishop for sure not I but God or some of his good Angels set it down so Wherefore no more adoe let her haue it With that the steward was faine to borrow it and she had it The Archbishop of Cullen riding along the plaine all rounded about with men of warre himselfe most brightly glittering in Armes A Swaine ploughing therabouts laughed to see him so Which the Prelate perceiuing coÌ„manded him straight before him and asked him why hee laughed so Mary I laugh answered the Pesant to see an Archbishop so souldiourly gallant Why sirrha said the Bishop I am thus as a Duke not as an Archbishop or a priest Euen so Sir reply'd the swaine now I pray then crack me this nut Were my L. Duke at the deuil where trowe ye were my L. Archbishop then The Archbishop of Granada saying to the Archbishop of Toledo that he much maruelled he being so great a State would visit Hospitals and performe to the sick and needie such a deale of drudgerie as daylie he did Maruell not
hereat answered the good Bishop but rather well weighing with your selfe what is the true dignitie and dutie of a pastor woonder at the manie good duties I doe omit A Spanish Bishop riding on the way saw a shepheard sunning himselfe vnder a banke and thus he bespake him I maruel much shepheard that shepheardes now a daies are not like as they were in times past when there were of them great Prophets and great kinges in the world and to them it was that the Angel first denounced the natiuitie of our sauiour Iesus Christ afore all others Oh Sir answered the shepheard neither are Bishops nowe a dayes like to those good ones of olde time at diuers of whose deathes the belles did ring of themselues and nowe can scarce be made to tolle but with many mens strength A Bishop sent halfe a dozen of Capons to an Abbot and the bearer eat one of them to his dinner by the way Now when th' Abbot had red the Bishops letter which certified that he had sent him sixe Capons he then said vnto the messenger My lad I pray thee tell my Lord Bishop I humblie thanke his Lordship for fiue Capons and as for the sixth giue thou him thanks for it thy selfe A Bishops Chaplaine helping his Lord on with his Rochet and being somwhat long a drawing on the sleeues Why when said the Bishop me thinks you are very tedious about this geere And like your Grace he answered your sleeues are verie straight Verie straight indeed reply'd the Bishop for wel I wot full twentie yeares haue I traueiled to get them on and till this present time could I neuer attaine to doe it In a solemne festiuitie which was holden at Guadalajara in Spaine two Gentlemen appeared to the multitude in Clergie attire to discharge vnto them some Church-merriment and being demaunded in a Bishops name who was there present who they were We are quoth they two Archdeacons of the Church of Vtica and so tell your Lord The saide Bishop being prelate of that place Bishop Gardener being depriued of his Bishoprick one thus saluted him in derision Farewell Bishop olimâ— He answered Gramercie Knaue semper Lord Cromwell reproching Bishop Gardener being depriued of his Bishopricke by the King said Where is now Sir Bishop al your Gloria patri become He answered Euen as it hath pleased the King my Liege Neuerthelesse sicut erat in principio so am I stil my Lord as good a gentleman as your selfe A Chanonrie of the Church of Cuencae was fallen into the Bishops graunt and a certaine scholler who had before time translated out of Latine into Spanish the vaine workes of Tostado became an humble suter to the Bishop for it which the Bishop deny'd him saying It is no creame to be eaten with Tostados viz. Tostes One besought a worshipfull Gentleman to be a means for him to a Bishop to forgiue him a certaine dribbling debt The Gentleman answered His power is to bind not to loose One Frier Rapiero a famous preacher had a pettie Bishopricke bestow'd vpon him in th'Ile of Corsica And one pittying his no higher preferment said Alas it is too small a pommell for such a Rapier The Cardinall Don Alonso Cartillio enioyn'd his Iester to bring him at euery moneths end a cronicle of al merrie matters that had happened in the meane time The Cardinall within a while after entertained an Alcumist to whome being but newlie come hee deliuered a thousande Crownes to goe to Toledo to buy him all maner of implements belonging to that Arte. In which meane time he called for his foresaid Cronicler to know what occurrents were befallen that moneth Then the Iester among other fooleries read vnto him what a monstrous follie he himselfe had committed to trust a stranger with a hundred crownes whom happily he should neuer see more Wherunto the Cardinall answered But what if hee doe come againe how then Mary then reply'd the Cronicler will I put you out and put him in your place A Physitian had a big fat Bishop in cure who was somewhat distempered with a lightnesse in his head And the Physitian comming forth of his bed-chamber in a morning a Gentleman met him at the doore asked him how my Lord did Who answered Would my Mule were halfe so well A Pick-thanke telling a Prelate that such a Gentleman had highlie slandered him in publike and therwithall aduising him to reuenge it in a verie high degree He answered And wherefore I pray ye then serue these wordes of Christ Mihi vindictam ego retribuam Cardinall Medices now Duke of Florence seeing certaine Iewes walke Sabothly vpon a Satterday in his faire garden on Mount Trinitie in Rome commanded them in despight of such their Satterday-sabboth to bee imployed all that day in seruile worke in his said garden and at night made them a liberall supper of good cheere Amongst which he caus'd minc'd Porke to be set afore them so cunningly disguis'd and besauc'd that vnwittingly they fell to it and eat therof contrarie to their superstitious pork-opinion in that point And after they had supt paid them a large day-wages and so dismist them They at parting being told of the disguiz'd pork they had eaten were stark mad and whereas before they held themselues guilty only of their seruile labour that day it being their Sabboth day nowe were they outragious testie at both together And in a full stomacke of detest flung downe their wages and would none of it But to their Synagogue they hy'd them and there told their Rabbin of all the premisses Whereupon he forthwith excommunicated the Cardinall and deeply accursed him to the pit of hell in full congregation Which he vnderstanding went the next day to Pope Pius quintus and in jest told him all the storie as aforesaid concluding with the Rabbins excommunication and accurse against him And withall merrily besought the Pope to release him thereof The Pope tooke it in a farre other sence and greatlie rebuked the Cardinall therefore affirming that he had done a verie scandalous act so to force the conscience of a Iew they not being sheep of Christs fold and therfore without the libertie of his Crozier to pastorize much lesse to enforce in matter of religion So saying he enioyn'd him a very seuere penance both personall and pecuniarie OF PRIESTES AND FRIERS A Sillie Frier came to a Doctor of Toledo and tolde him that hee thought he had incurr'd irregularitie for saying to his Asse by the way as he accompaned certaine prisoners to execution Haight beast and on a Gods name supposing that by reason therof he had so much the soner brought the poore prisoners to their endes To whome the Doctor answered In reparation of that irregularity you must seeke out the said Asse againe and as often as you saide then vnto him haight beast or on a Gods name so often say vnto him nowe Hoe beast faire and softlie a Gods name A Parson demaunded of his Vicar the rent
and aduersities to call vpon God and thus hee said There is dearlie beloued a certaine familiar beast amongst you called a hogge see you not how toward a storme or a tempest it crieth euermore ourgh ourgh So must you likwise in all your iminent troubles and dangers say to your selues Lourghd Lourghd help me One Peter Martyr Cronicler to the king of Spaine had been a long time suter for a Bishopricke and hearing at last that foure seuerall Confessors were prouided of so manie seuerall Seas at once hee said Faith among so manie Confessors one Martyr would verie well haue beseem'd the companie A Frier whose name was Bonaduenture comming to be acquainted with an other Frier whose name was Malaver as much to say in English as speed yll Bonaduenture saide vnto him Lord brother Malauer how many seeke for me and chance on you Two Monkes were accompted passing vertuous men and the one of them was verie fat and grosse and well complexioned and th' other pale and megre The Prior being asked on a time by a Noble-man what might bee the reason of so different effectes of vertuous liuing hee answered And like your Honour yonder fat brother thinkes only of God and of the Ioyes of heauen and this other of death dooms-day and hell One vs'd to say that no linnage could be accompted through ripe till it had a shorne crowne on the head viz. A priest or Frier of the name A Gentleman comming earlie on a Christmasse morning to visite a reuerend Channon in the Queere after Mattins and seeing his seat vnhang'd with Tapistrie as all th 'others were considering both what a solemne day it was and withall how verie colde hee much maruelled thereat and ask'd him why he let his seat be so inglorious With that the Cannon pointing to a poor bodie there by before the high Altar all bare and miserable He answered See ye yonder poore soule there t is he will not â—uffer me to sit in seat of glorie One vs'd to say that follie fattes the Gentleman and lewde conditions beleans the Cleargie man Don in Spanish signifies Sir A Frier hearing a Dukes Vsher calling a many of his Lordes Gentlemen together and saying Don Iohn Don Alonso Don Rodriguez c. Hee adjon'd And I warrant you ther is ner ' a Donum Spiritus-sancti among all these Dons A very learned preacher was condemn'd of too much tediousnesse in his sermons in that hee vsed oftentimes to repeat one thing twiâ—e Whereupon preaching on a time hee saide to the people Brethren I vnderstand you condemne me for ouer tedious in my sermons Nowe the trueth is I am sure verie fewe of you vnderstand mee well the first time and therefore am I faine to repeate it once againe and then in doing so you say I am to tedious And good faith to repeat a thing once and a halfe that 's woorst of all and I am sure you will like that neither A Frier following a many Gentlewomen in the street who with their long traines rais'd vp a great dust after them At last they seeing the Frier neere behind theÌ„ for reuerence stood still and made him way Who as he passed along by them said Know ye GentlewomeÌ„ that the dust of the sheep is a lodestarre to the Wolfe A Gentleman came to visit a widow Gentlewoman as he entred into the house he met two Friers comming foorth and ouerhard the GeÌ„tlewoman saying to her maid Yonder Friers smel like rats The Gent. adjoin'd happily haue don like rats A graue Doctor that had been a long time suter at Rome to the Cardinall of Toledo for a Chanonrie in that Church obtayn'd it in the end and then presentlie wrot a letter to a friend of his in Toledo giuing him to vnderstaÌ„d that wheras he had al that while gone vp down like an Ape in the streets of Rome without er'e a tayle he should now see him shortlie there at Toledo like a Squerrell with taile ynough Written in refference to the long traines that those Channons weare A reuerend Church-man being done a secret disgrace vniustifiable by the partie that did it he yet not knowing him said Ah poore despight that makes the Authour peepe in his head for shame OF DOCTORS AND SCHOLLERS IT was a great controuersie in the Vniuersitie of Leyden betweene the Physicke and Law Doctors whether of them should take place foremost at the Commencements And a merrie Chanceller being deputed judge of the difference asked them whether at an execution the fellon or the hangman ought to goe foremost to the gallowes They al answered The fellon Euen so reply'd the Chancellor Then yee Lawyers goe yee foremost as theeues and yee Physitians follow ye after as hangmen One asked a great Clearke how hee might doe to become wise Who answered In sooth friend I can hardly resolue you For you still goe one way and wisedome another that I doe not see how you can possiblie meet A profound Doctor of Law had neuer in all his life beene aboue three miles out of Salamanca where he was both borne and bred vp And being sent for on a time by a Noble-man dwelling some two dayes iourney thence as concerning his aduise in a waightie matter in law hauing ridden his first daies iourney almost to an end he then waxed wearie and would no further But turn'd back againe to Salamanca saying I neuer thought the world had been so great There dwelt a graue Law-Doctor in Salamanca a neighbours child of his came somewhat early in a morning to craue a little fire of him Take some my boy he sayd but wherin wilt thou carrie it Marie Sir he answered thus and with that hee layd a quantitie of ashes vpon the palme of his hande and the the coales thereupon and so went his way The Doctor wondred hereat and sware that with al the learning he had he could not haue deuised so trim a sleight Punta in Spanish signifies a Size and also a stitch An ignorant Spanish Doctor came to a shoomaker and bespake a paire of shooes for his son the shoomaker asked him of what Punta viz. what size Marie quoth he that can I not yet shew you but I wil goe home and see and bring you word in the afternoone Home he went and calling for a paire of his sons old shoes hee vnript all the stitches thereof and tolde how many there were of them and then after dinner he went againe to the shoomaker and said My sons shooes are of the 64. Puntas viz. stitches One was telling a Dunsicall Doctor how such a man was a great scholler but a very foole he marueil'd greatly thereat and said Well I wot a man may bee vnlearned but how learning may be without a man I cannot imagine A Doctor comming to reforme the Vniuersitie of Salamanca one scholler asked another whether he would also reforme the Vniuersitie clocke No answered th' other for Par in parem non habet imperium
London-mates passing by his doore and seeing him stand there ask'd him what hee meant to giue ouer his Ale-house at London and come thether he answered To recollect myselfe A poore man trauelling on the way met with a poore Tayler who offred him his sheeres to sell He because it was an easie peniworth gaue him all the mony he had for theÌ„ thinking that the next place he came at he might happily sell them for more So traueilling on his way at last he came to an Ale-house where by chaunce was then a Taylers wife a tippling among her Gossips who seeing his sheeres straight thought he was a Tayler and had him home to her house to dinner And after dinner brought him foorth a peece of cloth to cut out in garmentes He all this while was content tooke the chalke in his hand and began to make and vnmake and countermake a many lines and dashes vpon the cloth and so continued a good space till at last she marueilling therat ask'd him what he did hee answered I measure out how many Sizzers these sheeres will make One asked a plaine fellow whether he could tyle or no hee answered Yea in good houre bee it spoken I haue tyl'd in London A disconteÌ„ted Tayler said to a niggardly Gent. who had abridg'd him a third part of his bill You a Gentil Faith sir no a Iew you are An Artizan fed his Prentise onlie with Liuers and Lightes And being on a day to goe doe a little worke out of towne hee bid his Prentise come after and meet him at such a place Meane time hee went afore and being come to the place appointed there he staid for his Prentise whom at last he might see comming aloose off with a load on his shoulders and being come neer him he marueill'd therat and ask'd him why he brought that great log with him the Prentise answered So many lights haue I eaten that I thought the open country-ayre would haue caried me quite away and therefore did I take this loade vpon me A Scauinger loading a dung-cart by chaunce a Kyte flew ouer him and a Tayler in the next shop seeing it sayd Oh see there sirrha your fellow Scauinger No answered the Scauinger Prick-louse it is a Bussard like you A Gentlewoman fearing to be drown'd said Now Iesu receiue our soules Soft maistresse answered the water-man I trow we are not yet come to that passe A Butcher running after a sheep in the street and crying to the people Stop the sheep stop the sheep An other ran after him and cri'd Stop the theefe stop the theefe A merrie old Artizan seeing a milk-woman passe by his shop and crying fresh Cheese and Creame call'd her to him and tasting to her cream-pot as though he meant to buy drunk it clean off and so deliuer'd her the pot againe saying Get yee gone ye baggage come yee hether to cosen mee with your sowre milke Within a while after an Aqua vitae-man past by and hee calling him into his shop tooke his Aqua vitae bottle out of his hand to taste therof as though hee meant to buy and dranke of it at least a six-pennie draught and so deliur'd him his bottle againe saying I marie this warmes my colde creame well and cheares me at the very heart One asking a Wood-monger whether such a widdowe were not in his debt he answered No truly shee hath alwayes paid me verie vertuously A London-Printer sent his Prentise for a messe of Mustard vvho asking him where he should fetch it he surlie answered In France Very good sir quoth the Prentise And with that he tooke a Mustard-pot in his hand and forth he went to Pâ—llinsgate where finding a ship bound for France he imbark'd therein to France he went vvhere he remain'd the space of almost a yeere At last return'd home again he came that very same day twelue-moneth to his maister and deliuer'd him the foresaid pot-full of Mustard saying Hold here Maister your messe of French Mustard The said Prentise entring by and by after into his maisters Printing-house and finding a Dutch-man there working at the Presse straight stept vnto him and snatching the balles out of his hands gaue him a good cuffe on the eare sayd Why how now Butter-boxe Cannot a man so soon turne his back to fetch his maister a messe of Mustard but you to step straight into his place The end of the fourth part of this booke Wittes Fittes and Fancies The Fift part OF IESTERS ONe asked the Marques of Villena his Iester what vertue he thought was in a Turkey stone he answered Marie if you should chance to fall from the top of a high tower you to breake your necke and the stone to haue no hurt The Marques of Villena willed his Chamberlaine to giue his Foole Perico de Ayala one of his cloath of golde jerkins and the Chamberlaine deliuer'd him onely the sleeues and the skirts of it The Vice seeing himselfe so deluded went straight to the Father of the Confraternitie of the Court and told him that one was deceased that night out of the Marques of Villena his roomes and will'd him to come fetch away the Coorse foorthwith to buriall The Priest beleeu'd him came thether with a many people attending him not knowing but that he went in very deed for a dead body Passing along the Foole foremost tinckling the bell in his hand as the maner is the Marques hearing the bell look'd out at the windowe and ask'd wherefore they came thether The Vice answered Wee come my Lord for the bodie of the coate you gaue me which I verily suppose is dead because I haue here some principall meÌ„bers of it without which out of doubt it cannot liue The Emperour Charles being priuate on a time in his priuie Chamber accompaned onely with his Iester one Romero de Figueroa a poore Gent. whose small liuing lay vpon the edge of Portugall came and desir'd to speake with his Majestie The Iester told the Emperour thereof who answering Bid him choose some other time for that I am now disposed to be priuate a while No I beseech you Caesar reply'd the Iester let vs haue him in for out of doubt he will els for verie anger put vp all his landes in a basket and flie to Portugall Alonso King of Spaine progressing along the country passed by a great hill in the midst of a plaine which seem'd to haue bin cast vp by the handes of men and asking the cause of it answer was made that in the time of Almanzar a Moore King Cordua was then chiefe towne of all that countrey and hee enjoyn'd the inhabitantes therabout in token of their true alleageance to him euery housholder once a yeere to bring to that place a basket-full of earth which being performed the space of many yeares together rais'd it to that hugenesâ—e as did appeare Then the King asked his Iester how many baskets-full of earth he thought it contayned hee answered Making one
that questionlesse his Maister was such a kind of person indeede namely a Seminarie or a Iesuit Priest Wherupon he presently sent for the Constable told him all the premisses vp they went together to attatch the Gent. in his chamber Who purposely had shut himselfe close in and betaken him to his knees and to his crosses to make the matter seeme more suspicious which they espying through the key-hole made then no question of him but in they rush'd and arrested him for a Seminarie-Priest defray'd his score there bore his and his mans charges vp to London and there presented him before my last Lord Bishop Nowe marke the jest My Lord knewe the Gent. passing well entertain'd him with good respect discharg'd him presently out of their handes Who straight pointing broad jesting at such their folly taught theÌ„ by such a president more wit thrift against the next time A plaine Conie-catcher not knowing where to goe dine went to the Sheriffes of London about dinner time and espying his opportunitie stept to him and said I pray you sir what may a wedge of golde thus long bee woorth The Sheriffe straight thinking that hee had founde some such greate peece tooke him by the hand had him in to dinner with him and caru'd him of the choisest meates vpon the boord In the end after dinner was done the Conie-catcher arose with the rest and after hauing reuerently thank'd the Sheriffe for his good cheere offred to be gone With that the Sheriffe call'd him backe againe and question'd him aside about the foresaid wedge of golde affirming that if he would sell it hee would giue him more for it then any man Then the full-belly fellow belching his good cheere vpon the Sheriffes face answered In sooth sir I thanke yee I haue no such matter onlie I thought good to aske you aforehand what such a wedge might bee woorth in case I should hereafter chance to finde any such to bring you A Cony-catcher hauing made merrie in an Inne and wanting wherwith to discharge the shot stept ouer the way to a Barbars shop and would needs be trimm'd The Barbar trimmed him and when he had done the Conie-catcher tooke a Lute of his in his hand and began to fumble theron and fumbled himself quite out of doors bidding the Barbar to come after him to his Inne to breakfast where he wold discharge both him his Hostesse al-together The Barbar beleeu'd him and let him haue away his Lute with him and by reason hee staid somwhat long after the Conie-catcher in the meane time left the said Lute in pawn for his good cheer and rid cleane away The said Conie-catcher making merrie with a wench in a Tauerne and wanting money as afore to discharge the reckoning sent for Musitions to play to him as he was at dinner and after dinner was done sent away the wench priuily vnder cullour to call for a reckoning he only the Musitions remaining there Anon after seeming to maruell why shee staid so long he said vnto the Musitions Play on sirs a while till I go downe and see what the matter is that they are so long about the reckoning I 'le come againe presenâ—lie So downe he went and they below suspecting no such matter by reason they hard the Musitions still playing aboue hee making as though hee would but step aside to make water slunke quite and cleane away leauing Musicke onlie to pay the shot Two Conie-catchers came in an euening to a Tauerne and watching their opportunitie th' one of them slipt off his cloak to his fellow and tucking on an apron before him stept into a lower roome where certain Gent. were at supper and in semblance of a seruant of the house whipt away a rich Salte from off their table vnder cullour and request that hee might haue it for certaine Knights who hee said were then come thether to supper leauing a pewter one in lieu of it and so slipt cleane away there with and was neuer heard of more A Marchant sate in a sommers euening at his street-doore and a Conie-catcher came in the semblance of a ciuill Tailer doing obeysance vnto him offred to step into his house The Marchant asking him what he would he answered And please you sir your maid will'd me to fetch a gown of hers to mend I pray can ye tell if shee be within Go in and see answered the marchant So in went the Cony-catcher and meeting with one of the Marchants men told him that he came for one of his masters gownes to mend nam'd the gowne and will'd him to deliuer it him presentlie The fellow beleeuing him the rather because his maister sate at the doore and saw him come in and it was also likely that he would not so peremptorily demaund it but vpon a good ground deliuer'd him the gowne without anie more adoe who straight whipt out a doores with it vnder the Marchants nose giuing him only a cogging Conge a bare By your leaue Sir as he passed by A Conie-catcher hooking in the night time in at a Gent. chamber window fastened his hooke by chance vpon his bed-cloathes wherwith the Gent. awaking and perceiuing what the matter was holp the Conie-catcher softly to vnfasten his hooke withall tooke holde of it with his hand permitting himselfe as it were to be drawne by it The Conicatcher thinking hee had fastened vpon a prize drew stil and still the Gent. followed his twitches till at last the Cony-catcher thinking to vnfasten the booty the Gent. caught him by the hande and with his dagger would haue stabb'd him had hee not cry'd Peccaui So was this Conie-catcher catch'd in his owne traine A venerious Doctor and yet somewhat scrupulous withall had gotten a bonnie-Lasse into a groue and there began to vntrusse his pointes towards the bargaine still knocking his breast and saying Domine compesce concupiscentiam carnis meae Domine compesce concupiscentiam c. But minding more Concupiscentiam carnis suae then Domine compesce he still vntrust so long that he trust the wench with child A Seruing-man fayling to winne a Farmers faire daughter by fayre meanes deuis'd to rauish her and thus hee did it The maide went euerie night to milke her Fathers Cow in a rough ground full of Bushes and Birtches and to the end shee might the more readilier find out the Cow a nightes had ty'd a bell about the necke of it The Seruing-man knowing her milking-houre stole to the place afore and tooke off the Cow bell from the Cow and when hee heard the Maid was come hee tinckled it still before her from bush to bush till at last hee drew her by the sound therof into a secure place of the wood and there won her to his villany An infinitie of Emmots lay vppon a Vine-yarde and sore spoyl'd the Vines A Begger by chance passing that way and hearing therof vndertooke onely for ten daies victuals to destroy them all Then made