me and lie in my bosome and rise in the morning more strong then at night Ah when my former holy life shall be more terrible then others wicked lives When my former prayers shall be like the gall of Aspes unto me when those duties which should be my comfort are my terrour Alas what can my poor soul do when my present sins and my past duties which of them are the heaviest burthen unto me I do not know what shall I do When I consider these things then the thoughts of the affliction that lies upon me makes me weep a tear or two and my vain heart my deceitfull heart would perswade me that I weep for my sins Those in desertion are in a blessed condition to me they are sad and I am miserable I am guilty of that which their consciences do but accuse them of Alas have I lost my communion with God my sweet communion and the power I had to prevail with him for any mercy almost that I praied for now I can pray and pray and pray and go away without a blessing I can almost be content to be wicked Thou knowest mine heart or else my tears would deceive thee as well as me If they are worldly thoughts that have estranged me from thee thou knowest how to cure me If mine utter impoverishings will cure me let me be as poor as Job If thou wast not such a Physician as thou art I was past thy cure Meditat. III. Lord I am come now to pour out my soul before thee and my tears into thy bosome to tell thee the sad thoughts and sorrows of my heart Ah my God In this bitternesse of my soul and with tears in mine eyes and pride in my heart and sencelesnesse upon my spirit I speak these things Ah Lord thou hast scourged me with scorpions for my sins do encrease as well as my afflictions these afflictions to me are scorpions to me they have poison in them and at once I am scourged and stung with them a sad ease it is when my punishment is heavier then I can bear and yet notwithstanding I go from the presence of God too and that more and more My tears dry up in mine eyes and my love goes out of my heart as soon as kindled When the Candle of the Lord shined upon my Tabernacle in my first conversion when the fire of thy love was kindled in my heart I have had some discourses of devotion that I was not able to bear the ravishment that the remembrance and meditation of them brought to my soul now almost as full of sadnesse as then of joy after those times as those after the Floud My joys and the acts and workings of my grace grew very short-lived in comparison of what they were before Then they were Methusalems for age and Sampsons for strength to what they are now Before though I fell spiritually sick and my strength and comfort was gone yet I was sensible of my weaknesse it was a pain and a grief unto me that I could not walk into the delightful garden of the Spouse and to the sweet bed of his Spices I could weep for want of tears if not I could mourn for want of sorrow but now like a man that hath groaned and strugled so long that he can struggle no longer but grown sencelesse can hardly be perceived to breathe or live If the sweetest musick should be plaid by him or the dearest friend in the world should come and ask him with tears in his eyes Dear Husband or Dear Wife how do you the poor sick one doth not so much as open the eye to see who it is that speaks or if open them they being presently heavy with death fall down again and he dies So is it with my poor soul sometimes I can hear my Saviour as it were saying unto me for sometimes methinks I see him about my sick soul Ah poor Soul how dost thou do Is my Joseph yet living But alas Lord thou knowest I have scarce strength or life to lift up mine eye to thee Lord Can these bones live Can these dry eyes weep Can this frozen heart be enflamed Meditat. IV. Lord I am ashamed to consider what I know of thee when I think what I do for thee Ah my God the cares of the world lie heavy upon me Resolutions though never so strong are too weak to overcome my corruptions Alas I can scarce say any more then I have said in the confessing and bewailing my sad spirituall condition though I have said nothing to what I should say Have I not told thee Lord with tears in mine eyes and with a sad heart that I found my corruptions get ground of me my prayers my tears my resolutions and some endeavours do resist but cannot overcome them these keep them from prevailing so soon but not from prevailing I humbly confesse or desire so to do that I may complain to thee but I should adde to mine abominations exceedingly if I should complain of thee Mine heart doth almost tempt me to it when I consider what I was and what I am It is as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul yet since by my preaching thou art glorified and thy people edified more then if I should spend all my time in private Meditation I am willing to submit only I do humbly beseech thee with tears in mine eyes that though I have lesse time to spend in such private duties yet that my poor soul may not lose her love to them and though I perform fewer duties I may not perform them worse then I did when I performed more Meditat. V. I do much wonder at my self and at many nay somewhat at all Christians upon daies of humiliation but most at my self to hear the tongue of a poor Christian confessing and his eyes weeping for his sins and speaking of them with such expressions and such sighs that one would think Surely this Christian keeps a strict Communion with God surely he would not sin for a world surely God is in all this mans thoughts and yet stay but whilest he hath done his praier and you finde in him such strong thoughts words and actions that are almost incredible loose and idle words and vain thoughts I but too often experience makes it even past hope it should be otherwise with me If any Town that was straitly besieged with cruel enemies should send for aid to such or such and when they came they should send out most of the Town to joyn with the enemy against those that came to help them What we would say of such people Lord just thus are we We have a world of corruptions and temptations sin and hell and Satan all beset us all beset us and violently assault us we pray for the help of God against them day after day We send our prayers to Heaven for assistance Well God doth send his holy Spirit to help this poor soul In the Ministery of the Word tels us
not give so much grace as to make me through the abundance of it almost whether I will or no to serve thee yet to whom thou dost give so much grace as to desire more grace O let not this desire which is of thy own infusing be in vain if there be any thing in the whole world that I desire more then thy grace then let me want grace to desire it any more Lord if the reason why thou deniest my praier be because I do not desire as I ought I humbly beseech thee to grant that I may ask aright alas my afflictions lie heavier on me then ever they did and I am more wicked or at least lesse holy then ever since my conversion I was how little am I affected with any thing that belongs to thy service nor yet doth it affect me that I am not affected Lord if there were any in heaven or in earth that could help me besides thee then considering my manifold sinnes I should I but Lord I would not thy mercies are so great go to any other Now Lord now is the time to have mercy upon me I am like the man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho wounded naked and half dead I cannot call for help O let my wounds move thee to compassion If I cold bewail my sinful misery with tears of repentance I know thou wouldest deliver me but I cannot weep nay hardly mourn Oh faint faint is my grief and cold is my love What wilt thou do Lord with one that scarcely from his heart desires to serve thee alas what canst thou do for me more or lesse then to make me desire to serve thee Accept I must or for ever be lost What a low degree of goodnesse am I come unto a Soul full of sadnesse and empty of goodnesse To morrow Lord I am to receive thee into my soul thee my blessed Saviour Lord thou knowest I did not use to have a heart so empty of goodnesse when I expected thee to come next day Meditat. XXVI Lord now I do resolve to serve thee and in this particular especially I will not speak evil of any man what injury soever he both me Now I will so watch over my words that I will not offend with my tongue and that by degrees I may attain some perfection herein I here vow every week between this and the next communion to keep one day so strictly that I will not during that day speak so much as one idle word that day if I do I will give to the poor Lord how excellent is thy service so pure so sweet O that there were such a heart in me that I might for ever serve thee Meditat. XXVII When I reade the story of the Martyrs I do wish that I had lived in those daies that I might also die as they did or methinks I could now willingly lay down my life rather then yeeld to the abominable Idolatry and superstitions of the Sea of Rome but when I search and try my heart I much fear that the reason of this my desire is because I think it easier to lay down my life for Christs sake then for his sake to overcome my corruptions for it being but one act though it hath more pain yet being but of small continuance it is lesse trouble then all my life long to fight against sin and thus I do ill even in my best wishes in divers respects for I chose Martyrdome not because thereby I might more honour God but that I might the sooner and easier come to heaven And again that I think I might content my self though I did not so much hate corruption If I died a Martyr all would be well whereas Though I give my body to be burnt and have not charity it would profit me nothing and to love God it is impossible for him that doth not hate sinne and fight against his corruptions Alas O my soul how weary are we of our spiritual fight and we would fain finde some other way to heaven then by the continuance of it O that I were dead to the world and lived to God how vain is the world yet while we know something better we shall not think so We talk much of the vanity of the world but who beleeves that the world is vanity and vexation of spirit Or who is sensible of this truth Or if he were sensible of it and sometimes affected with it yet it soon vanisheth and we do not live accordingly How much easier is it to speak like an Angel then live like a Saint Meditat. XXVIII Lord that thou wouldst do it for me take my soul and my body what shall I do with them any longer I govern them so ill and indeed am so unable to govern them that they govern me Lord if thou shalt condemn me at the last day I do now justifie thee and testifie to all the world that thou art just though then if such a time shall come I shall blaspheme thee My dear God I have yet a spark of thy love I will not leave that small hold of thee for ten thousand worlds I know Lord there is no dallying with thee What if I spoke with the tongue and writ with the pen of men and Angels it is nothing Lord take a poor soul at his word Lord I am thine and do now give my self and ten thousand worlds if I had them to thee yet when thou dost take from me some poor part of my estate I murmure Alas I have a poor weak heart Meditat. XXIX Lord my knowledge of thee is but small and that which is is but little spirituall or experimentall To know thee by what others write and say of thee is sweet to them that can set their seal to it from their own experience Lord what is it that hath kept me so long from thee or kept thee so long from me I know I have been wanting to thee and to my self Lord take my heart I have too much love for any besides thee though I have too little for thee Oh how sweet are the thoughts of thee and would be sweeter if I thought oftner and longer and more attentively of thee Alas I am almost grown out of acquaintance with thee I do not perceive my corruptions in any thing more then in this that though to think of thee be a thing so easie and so profitable yet I think so seldome My dear God deliver me from the businesse of the world Suits of Law and such things they undoe me they take up my thoughts that I cannot be rid of them I feel upon me the curse which thou threatnest upon the people of Israel If they would not serve thee with joy they should serve strangers with a great deal of hardship I was well while I was with thee then I had my Songs in the night now my daies are turned into the shadow of death Lord draw me draw me make the cords of thy love stronger or rather then
what we should do to overcome these enemies and sends many motions of the Spirit to bring into our souls grace to strengthen us We will not do what he adviseth us to do nay but we take part with our corruptions and resist and fight against the power of the world to come Oh thy patience is not to be understood I am weary to think before I go to prayer how little fruit I expect from them I pray and pray and weep and reade and hear and sigh and confesse these as well as other of my sins and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the present but they presently return to their former course Lord do not the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee to see me thy poor Servant in such a miserable condition as I am in Dost thou not see how sin and corruption do as it were lie gnawing upon me and eating up my very flesh and destroying my soul and I have neither hand nor foot to move against them Lord who is it that must make me hate corruption is it not thy Spirit Who must overcome my resisting of thy Spirit is it not thy Spirit Lord I do not know in the world what to do to leave off striving were not only to despair of thy goodnesse because thou dost not help as much and when I will and besides if I cannot get ground nay though notwithstanding I lose ground yet doubtlesse I shall not go so swiftly down stream as if I strove not at all if I must be forsaken by thee to all Eternity yet Lord let me not while I live so fall that I should be a scandal to Religion Alas Is it come to this O my soul that I must say If God will forsake me for ever Meditat. VI. In the most serious addresses of my soul to take hold upon God I finde an unhappy frozennesse benumme the best of my devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extremely ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse senselesse of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am gulity of but specially because such duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not foften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled then before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy fatherly goodnesse I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely murmure and be weary of the chastisement of the Lord It may be I shall pray for the taking off of that corrasive before it hath eaten away that deadnesse of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yeeld to such praiers go on with thy cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption we shall blesse thee one day for not hearing and not granting such praiers as shall be for our spirituall harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no root of bitternesse in me If I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. VII Since our dear Lord Jesus Christ hath loved me and given himself for me oh that my heart was ravisht with his love oh that he was the beloved of my soul and that I were sick of his love who died for the love of me Oh that I could not be staied but with his flaggons This my Jesus the chiefest of ten thousand hath told me that he that saw thee saw the Father whereby I understand that thou art just as he was as pitifull as gracious as willing to forgive as sweet and as easie to be entreated as my good Saviour and in all the things and passages that thy Word hath made known to us of him I reade not of one of all that came to him not one poor soul that ever beg'd any grace or any pardon nor never did any come to be healed of any bodily disease in vain Lord thou art as he was Lord Jesus thou art as thou wast thy being in heaven makes thee not lesse like thy Father or thy self Blessed God I do beseech thee I do beseech thee to give me to give me thy poor hard-hearted Servant a soft heart Lord Jesus I beseech thee thou seest mine hard my poor heart desire as imperfectly as coldly to make Intercession for me me for whom thou hast paid a dear price as one that hath been so long from his Friend that he can hardly call to remembrance what countenance he hath So I poor I that cannot chuse but pity the sad condition of mine own heart which though it doth not uncessantly and importunately desire grace as it should yet methinks it is a sad thing to see it in such a carelesse temper I am such a stranger to thee that I have much a do to make one thought of thy sweet love and excellencies that may affect my heart and bring the sweet apprehensions of thee to remembrance Thy tender mercies and former relishes of thy goodness are to me like the shadow of death they are as Christ walking upon the waters they terrifie me Lord let me weep thee to me again Oh my God I am undone undone undone a poor undone creature Those in desertion are in a thousand times better condition then I am they want the comforts but then indeed they have the graces of the Spirit but is not my poor soul that wants both in a sad condition that can sit down and fall asleep when I should seek my Saviour I have a soul of such a temper as makes me wonder at my self as in the Spring and sometimes there will come a cloud that will seem to overspread the Heavens and yet on the sudden all will be blown over and the day so fair that there will not be a cloud to be seen So am I sometimes my heart is full of sorrow and mine eyes full of tears and yet upon the suddain my heart loseth that sweet sad temper and all is blown over and not a cloud appears and these clouds of grief are not dispersed with the comforts and joys of thy
this dulnesse and deadnesse of heart that is the just reason why I shed them and if thou shalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love I shall shed more tears for my wandring thoughts in praier then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of Alas Lord the ordinary daies of thy Saints are farre more holy then the daies I set apart for speciall service of thee And their thoughts in the midst of their worldly businesses are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers were alwaies with thee I scarce did any thing though almost of never so small moment but the reason why I did it this or that way was because it was some way or other more for thy glory Lord It is not thy fault for thou dost wait to shew mercy whether my wretched heart will consent to it or no This I do set down as an infallible trurh and let all the world give thee the glory of it All thy waies are holy just and good and thou dost stretch out thine arms to embrace us it is our fault that we do not run into thy bosome the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our bosomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us and so we not coming we want that experimentall knowledge of thee that would if we had it make us not so timorous of comng to thee as we are Meditat. XXI Before I begin to write I know I have more cause to write in bloud or tears then in ink Can a Mother forget her childe It is not Can a childe forget the Mother nor is it Can a Mother her childe if the childe forget her or Can there be any case wherein the Mother can forget her childe Lord do thoo awaken mine heart for it is asleep Lord do thou raise mine heart for it is dead Do thou thaw mine heart for it is frozen Lord thou art that celestial fire that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last I shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuffe of a candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stanch What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to say to my God Lord thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an adulterer defile a woman and she cry not out then she shall be put to death Lord infidelity hypocrisie and vain-glory are come to undoe me to defile my soul and they have almost perswaded my soul not to cry out to be ravisht is a great affliction but to embrace the adulterer is an abomination If I cry to men for succour if I go to Ordinances alas the adulterer is a strong man he hath locked the doors of my soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord doe not stand knocking at the door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor soul corruption and corruption and sin after sin will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas methinks I look upon my poor soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a wave and carries it with violence among the midst of the rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it is dasht in peeces and all fain to get upon broke peeces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be my soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a man astonisht and as a mighty man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewell all my duties farewell all my graces and all my comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my tongue Must I have no more comforts but what poor creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine own doctrine Lord I am a poor miserable man and a more miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these daies of ignorance and sin will not alwaies last when my change comes I shall no more sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the grave behinde me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a talent of lead upon my soul and hinder my flight come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me enough enough my soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joys sometimes I have to think of thee tears for my sinnes are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead man arraied with all the richest clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadnesse then there is comfort in the multitude of them this I know by experience that one looks upon hell upon whatsoever one looks but up-Christ yet Christ is not sweet unto me my dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetnesse I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetnesse of this Truth that all things are dross and dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is mine estate mine health mine life my liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in spirituall affections all my daies now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to humane learning it was wonderfull delightfull to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To reade the Mathematicks was wonderfull delightfull because they prove such strange things
A METHOD AND INSTRUCTIONS for the Art of Divine Meditation WITH Instances of the severall Kindes of Solemne MEDITATION By THOMAS WHITE Minister of Gods Word in London May 28. 1655. Imprimatur Edm. Calamy LONDON Printed by A. M. for Joseph Cranford at the Signe of the Phoenix in St Pauls Church yard near the Little North. Do ot 1655. To the Reverend and my much Honoured BRETHREN FATHERS the Presbyterian Ministers Of the GOSPEL within the Province of LONDON Brethren and Fathers I Have long since seriously considered since the Church hath been so much divided among us with whom to close and where to fix and I have endeavoured to observe both the publique and private actions the Tenents and conversations of those Ministers that were of divers judgements and I doe publikely profess that those Ministers which have and still doe own Provincial Assemblies are for their Piety Orthodoxness Christian Simplicity for their powerfull spiritual frequent practicall Preaching eminent These are the things which long agoe have made me cordially to honor you though since my intimate acquaintance with many of you hath much encreased and confirmed my high thoughts of you and I think I may confidently say that under the whole Heaven there is not any City or Nation to be found that may be compared to London and England for powerfull spirituall practical Preaching And I may say that the Ministry of England is the Glory of the world and that London is the Paradise of England yet though I have long honoured you I have not had any opportunity to testifie it therefore I thought good having this small Treatise to publish with it to publish how much I honor you Though I am very sensible how little my judgement can adde to the just esteem that the people of God have of you My desires and prayers to God are and shall be that as to your enemies you may be as John Baptists that though they love you not they may fear and reverence you being aw'd by the Image of God that appears in the Majesty and power of your Preaching and in the holinesse of your lives and conversations and that all the people of God may more and more highly esteem you in love for your works sake and that the Doctrine which you preach from the word of God may be delivered with such evidence and demonstration of the Spirit that the mouths of gain-saiers may be stopped and that your lives and Conversations may more and more abound with such Sincerity Simplicity Meeknesse Gravity Humility and Christian Prudence that the faces of those may be covered with shame that speak evil of you These are the desires of him who is Your Fellow-Labourer in the Work of the Lord Thomas White A METHOD OR INSTRUCTIONS for the Art of Divine Meditation CHAP. I. What Meditation is FIRST It differs from occasionall Meditation such as these If one heareth the clock strike to think with ones self how many thoughts have I had of God this hour 2. I am one hour nearer my grave and the Lord onely knows whether I may have another hour to live or no. 1. These are farre shorter like ejaculatory praiers which though they are as Parenthesises in our worldly employments yet they signifie more then all the rest of the businesse we are emploied in but meditation is generally of longer duration then ordinary solemn praier 2. Such occasional Meditations are things that we have in transitu and this that I speak of is a solemn set duty 3. The Subject from which occasionall Meditations arise are very frequently things artificiall civill or naturall indeed any thing that we see or hear but the Subjects of Meditation are onely spirituall Secondly It differs from study 1. In respect of the Subject Wicked men study and it may be more then Godly men Wicked men study and Godly men meditate Nay it is the very distinguishing signe between Saints and others Psa 1.2 and I beleeve 't is a thing far more rare for a meditating Christian to be an hypocrite then for a Christian that spends much time in praier especially if it be publike 2. As for the matter of praier and study they are very different 1. Study is of all manner of things whether naturall civill mathematicall c. but Meditation is onely of matters that concern our eternall welfare 2. The matters that we most study are those Truths that are most knotty and difficult and generally such as afford little spirituall nourishment as Criticismes Chronologies Controversies c. but the matter of Meditation is plain and of great spiritual advantage 3. The end of Study is knowledge the end of Meditation is holinesse If one sees a Learned man one may conclude that that man hath studied much If one sees a devout holy man one may conclude that that man hath meditated much Thirdly It differs from Contemplation 1. Contemplation is more like the beatificall Vision which they have of God in Heaven like the Angels beholding of the face of God Meditation is like the kindling of fire and Contemplation more like the flaming of it when fully kindled The one is like the Spouses seeking of Christ and the other like the Spouses enjoying of Christ 2. Contemplation is one effect and end of Meditation 3. Meditation is like the Bees flying to severall flowers or one smelling to flowers particularly or severally and Contemplation is like the smelling of them all in a Nosegay or like the water that is distilled from them all The Spouse in her description of Christ is like to Meditation her concluding that he is altogether lovely is like to Contemplation Therefore to conclude Meditation is a serious solemn thinking and considering of the things of God to the end we might understand how much they concern us and that our hearts thereby may be raised to some holy affections and resolutions Now there are four kindes of solemn Meditation according to the four severall Subjects of it 1. Some solemn Meditations are on Sermons that we hear which is a very usefull and necessary practice for Christians and it is better to hear one Sermon only and meditate on it then to hear two and meditate of neither but for setting down a method for meditating on Sermons is neither necessary nor possible since the method of Sermons are various and they are to observe in their Meditation the method of the Sermon they meditate upon All that I shall say therefore in this particular is onely this that the end of such Meditations is neither onely nor chiefly that we may the better fix the Substance and heads of the Sermon in our memory nor that we may the better understand and fuller be instructed of the truth of that point that is preacht upon but especially to work those truths advices and motives c. upon our affections that are proposed to us in the Sermon 2. The second kinde of Solemn Meditation is when upon some providentiall occasion or upon
carnal tears and one great cause of my grief and part of my misery is that I can weep no more sometimes indeed tears stand in mine eyes when I consider these things Lord give me faith O give me faith I feel a deal of Atheism in mine heart Mine heart is so full of corruption of all kinde and all degrees that I can feel no bottome of this stinking ditch Mine Imaginations is divers times a through-fare for Satans blasphemous thoughts which my soul abhors I may even sit down and spend the remainder of my wicked life in weeping and wailing and wringing of my hands and tearing off the hairs of my head My sad soul may say to my God Art thou quite gone from me have all my hopes of thee been as dreams and empty shadows unto me and hast thou shown me so much of heaven and wilt thou make hell more terrible and bitter to me Shall thy sweet mercies be turned into the gall of Aspes to me not only to be bitter but deadly I have cause I have cause Lord to mingle my drink with my tears to water my couch with weeping Thou art too great a God to be dallied withall and what do I else As our dearest Friends though we never so much delighted in their company while they were living yet we are afraid to be alone with them they are a terronr to us after the souls have left their earthly Tabernacles So my praiers while they were living praiers were a great comfort to my poor soul but now my praiers are without life and my supplications are dead they are a terrour to me they look gashly upon me and I upon them Meditat. XII My dear God thouart not moved with words if we had the tongue of Men and Angels if we could speak as never man spake if our hearts meant no more then they do what would our vain words do I am ever weary of my life because of my corruptions I can go no where nor do any thing but my corruptions follow me and tire me even out of my patience O that I could weep over my soul and weep over my praiers to see how dead they are which way to turn I know not I have praied a thousand times for another heart and yet mine heart is as hard as a stone and so full of hypocrisie that there is a world of hypocrisie in my confessions of hypocrisie Lord shall I cast away my confidence and lay down my weapons and put off mine armour because my corruptions are so strong and impetuous and deaden my very soul But alas what am I weary of not of my sinnes but of the accusations of my conscience that will not let me alone Blessed be thy Name that I am troubled that I do not live holily and yet I will strive to live holily Lord mine heart is ertangled in the snares of the world Blessed Saviour thou which hast overcome the world deliver me from the cares and love of the world Alas what good do my tears do me Dost thou bottle up such tears such puddle water in thy bottles Let the bowels of thy compassion yern within the towards my poor soul It is full of sin but my sinne is my sorrow though my sorrow it self is sinful if thou standest as a stranger to me I must give over my self for lost then I may say farewell praiers better to say farewell then to adde to my former sins a greater guilt by defiling my praiers that are as the Chariots to carry out my soul into the bosome of God What am I to stand against corruption or temptations I am no more able to overcome nay to resist them then to remove Mountains I have sinned away my comforts and sinned away my joys and sinned away mine hopes and even my God if thy mercies be not greater and what remains for my poor soul to do but to sit down in sorrow and even to mourn until my soul be heavy unto death It had been better for me that I had not been one to shew the way to others Nay but oh my God that is best for me that thou hast done for me Blessed God do but make me thine Meditat. XIII Alas Oh my soul may not I justly spend the remainder of my daies in sighing to perceive my good God from whose sweet presence I have in former times had so much grace and comfort to be such a stranger now to men and what is worse mine heart so senselesse of his absence The time hath been when myheart hath almost bled within me to think what a miserable condition I should be in if ever it should come to passe that it should be thus Lord why dost thou absent thy self from my poor soul if I were in a desertion of comforts I were in a farre better condition but to be in a desertion of graces and not to be troubled is a sad condition Me thinks I see my stock of grace grow weaker and weaker and more and more to languish as one that is dying the pulse grows weaker and weaker until at last it be no moee O Lord what to say I do not know alas I cannot but call and cry and pray Lord if ever thou wilt take pity upon a poor miserable speechlesse sinner Lord If thou wilt that I may overcome Lord I cannot get mine heart to be content to be damned and indeed since then I must eternally be separated from thee I do not desire to get mine heart to be content but to struggle against it as long as I am able Meditat. XIV To have Satan and corruption come and beset me as soon as I awake and to follow me all the day long and to go to bed with me and to keep me waking to have no respite is a sad condition When I should awake with my God my good God who kept me and watched over me whilst I slept to have Satan stand ready and hold his temptations before mine eyes which way soever I look and to prevail so far with me as at last to make me scarce to hate the sin he tempts me to I feel in my spiritual part an utter abhorring of the sinne I would give ten thousand worlds rather then commit the sinne and yet I have much ado to refrain alas can my secure soul live Meditat. XV. I am in such a wretched temper as to be willing to offend my God and when I go about to grieve sorrow is far from me nay the grief which sometimes I feel is not strong enough to conquer the temptation when tears stand in mine eyes to consider the miserable condition of my soul in being so prone to sin the temptation encreaseth To hear one of thy servants groaning under thy hand and then to stand parlying with temptation and not rather be afraid that the same affliction c. Lord I am in thy hand for affliction lay what thou wilt upon me I must bear it and I would bear it patiently
nay Lord though this temptation be such an unwelcome guest and I am too weary of it yet so thou wilt give me grace to overcome my impatience I am content Lord as much as I can but alas my God to have Satan my companion in stead of my God I hope will never be pleasing to me Meditat. XVI Lord what my vain heart thinks of thee it matters not except it be to discover the wretchednesse of it thou hast more glorious creatures to praise thee my praises and my thoughts of thee are so low and so unworthy of thee that thou mightest forbid me as thou didst the devils to confesse thee or to say any thing of thee My dear God if a world would buy it for one such sight of thee as might so ravish my soul that I might never more see any beauty or taste any sweetnesse in any thing but in thee that I might see thee with open face that I might be transformed into thine image from glory to glory Lord thou art still beyond me the higher my thoughts are of thee the more thou art beyond me and above me When my thoughts are best my thoughts are lost in the meditation of thee as the stone that is thrown into the calm Sea makes greater and greater circles but can never reach the shoar Lord I am content I may be lost in my self so I may finde thee Lord though there were none but thou and I in the world I had enough nay though there were none but thou and I in heaven I had enough Though I have nothing to say to thee but what I have said a thousand times Thou art my God my Saviour my all thou art he whom my soul loveth yet though I have nothing else to say nor can say there is any new rellish yet I delight to be alone with thee nay though thou saist nothing to my poor soul but what I have heard from thee yet let me still be in thy company I had rather weep and mourn for mine offending thee then enjoy all delights in the world Those salt waters are more precious then their wine Meditat. XVII Lord I beseech thee to order all mine affairs by thy wisedom thou knowest what afflictions are needfull for me I mnrmure oftentimes when thou afflictest me although I have again and again desired thee to direct all things that belong unto me but blessed God let not my murmurings so provoke thee as to leave me to mine own self Give me not what I desire but what I want my judgement in judging what is good or bad for me is little worth for many times I have judged such a thing to be for my hurt yet it hath proved much for my good and so on the contrary but then I have by experience found it evidently for my good when I have yeelded my self wholly to be guided by thee all things Lord make me know my self I am a poor creature with tears in mine eyes and hypocrisie in my heart Meditat. XVIII Lord It fares with me as it sares with one that hath been a long time from his friend he hath many things to tell him of severall particulars that befell him since their last being together so Lord I have been a stranger to thee and I have much to say to thee much have I suffered from mine own corruptions and little have I done I have a heart will let me do nothing for thee Lord I am but a childe pardon my bablings I have none to make my complaint to no not one Thou hast caused me to live in Mesech and to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar and if thou Lord wilt supply the want of those Christian friends I am now deprived of Lord my heart is so deceitfull that I have much ado to know whether I ever was or am yet thine I know Lord how I have spent daies sometimes whole weeks together in prayer and meditation and reading devotionary Books to prepare my self for the Communion and yet then I had grosse failings for there was a world of covetousnesse in me and thirsting after humane learning exceedingly and little prizing the knowledge of Christ in my Sermons I did little aim at thy glory but to preach my self Now in these things I finde some healings but my duties are fewer and now there is far more wanting in comparison of what I should be then was then of what I am now Nay Lord thou only knowest I shall be a gainer but alas If I now I am alone shall have no more fire of thy love then I had when I lived in the midst of glowing coals of devotion how can I but go out now since I had much ado to burn then When I think of serving thee then my heart is so perverse as to put in a carnall motive and saith If thou dost so then God will blesse thee in such or such a temporall blessing and my heart closeth with that motive Meditat. XIX O my God as thou art my Father so let me know that thy love to me being known by me may put wheels to my obedience that now goes so heavily and that it may make mine obedience more pure that now is so full of insufficiency I am fain to be glad almost of any motive to make me serve thee but yet it is my burthen that fear should make me do that which love should make me do for besides that such obedience is painfull that which is worse it is impure also Alas I am a stranger too much unto thee and in being so an enemy to my self Lord this is the first day I have given thee this long while it doth appear that it is so by the poor and weak duties I perform My poor soul is like a poor desolate Widdow that hath lost her dear Husband every one tramples on her and oppresseth her Meditat. XX. Lord where are those sweet embraces and manifestations of thy love that thou hast bestowed on me in former times When I have gone unto the treasury of thy mercies and fetched any mercy from thence that I wanted Thou hast given unto my praiers my dear Brother who went forth a blasphemer or at least a common swearer and came home I seeking thee for him a convert after thou gavest me his life and the life of my Mother and indeed Lord what was it but I had of thee thou didst almost miraculously restore one of my Sisters to comfort But now when I cry and shout thou shuttest out my praiers and art almost as if I had never any acquaintance with thee Lord I know that the fault is mine own Indeed Lord I then was scarce ever from thee or out of thy thoughts For were I but as I have been so often kept daies of humbling before thee It could not be that my duties should be such as they are but Lord thou seest the tears these thoughts cause me to shed they are thine do thou encrease them but take away
out on others I am not moved nay those very Stories and sayings which have formerly inflamed me now are as sparks falling into the Sea warms not at all alas when I shall meet thee at the last day thy mercies they shall testifie against me when they shall witnesse my slieghtings of them my fruitlesnesse under them and unthankfulnesse for them What can I say Alas my poor soul we are undone but that day is not come yet one hour more the Lord it may be will give me Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Come into my poor soul for I am afraid to meet thee at the Tribunal of thy judgement If thou wert on the earth methinks I could go with confidence to thee that thou wouldest hear me but now thou art in heaven I cannot Blessed are they who have not seen and yet beleeve Lord I have received double for all my sinnes in respect of any profit or pleasure I have had by them I have had full measure prest down and running over but alas my vexation of spirit is more gall then all the pleasure that I have had that have been worldly the losse and want of the discoveries of thy love cannot be recompensed with all that the world hath thy loves are better then wine indeed in respect of the offence to thee every prayer deserves hell Meditat. XLV Lord I am as afraid of comforts as of terrours for when I have comforts I am subject to pride my self in them and in stead of having sweet thoughts of thee have high thoughts of my self Afflictions breed sorrow and comforts pride Sorrow is better then pride My preaching is my temptation and my accuser If I preach not the strictest waies of God my negligence condemns me and if I do my Sermons condemn me For my life is hell I am afraid of publishing something I have by the help of thy Spirit written lest my life should do more harm by scandal then the writings should do good by directing to holinesse and yet sometimes I think that if I publish and own such writings they would be a strong engagement to live more holily But I have something against that also for that Motive would in short time lose its strength Such waxen wings would melt and let me fall to my former waies and that holinesse which is born up with such carnal motives is a poor thing Lord how am I distracted and torn in peeces with these thoughts Nay Lord if thou wilt have me go with these burthens on my soul do whatever seems good in thine eyes If I may but drudge in thy house though I lie among the pots yet to be a skullion in thy house is better then to sit at the Table of Princes Lord I am undone except thou work a miracle of mercy yet if I am undone it may before thou givest me over and discoverest me to the world thou wilt let me do something more that may glorifie thee and edifie the people nay it may be thou maist suffer me as long as I live to do much of which thou maist have glory Lord if my heart be not upright yet O that my actions and my Preachings may be such that men seeing and hearing them may be stirred up to glorifie thee by doing those things sincerely which I it may be do out of hypocrisie I am sure too much hypocrisie Lord I have begged for such a heart as may not deceive me nor dishonour thee O my God What shall I do Nay Lord what wilt thou do I am undone unless thou dost work mightily above all I can speak or think according to that mighty power wherewith thou didst raise the Lord from the dead O that I might be so raised that I might return no more to corruption Meditat. XLVI By this I know and am sensible It is not for any man to live by his own strength by my knowing how impossible it is for a sick man to recover without thee If a living man cannot speak how can a condemned man live without thee If living bones cannot move how can dry bones live Lord thou meetest me not at duties thou speakest not to me there thou speakest to me in mercies and I answer not in judgements and I carry my self as a sleepy man that is unwilling to be awaked What wilt thou do with me Lord when I will neither speak to thee nor answer thee when thou speakest O the weaknesse of my graces and the power of thy mercies Those sinnes I have had a minde to commit thou hast taken from me the opportunity to commit It is a comfort to me that I had not opportunity but it would be a greater comfort not to have a minde An Instance according to the Rules given for meditating on the Scripture A Meditation on these words ISA. 66.2 But to this man will I look even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit and trembleth at my Word 1. LET us seriously consider O my Soul That if an Angel or God himself from Heaven had spoken these words in our hearing as once Christ did to Paul when he was going to Damascus surely I think they would have very much affected us Is the Word of God lesse his Word because it is written I reade that the Apostle 2 Pet. 1.17 18 19. speaking of a voice that he himself heard from Heaven saith that he had a more sure word of Prophecy that is as I conceive that he was no lesse sure that the words of the Prophets were the very words of God then those that he heard with his ears Then let us not be lesse affected with these words then if we our selves had heard God himself speak them 2. Nor let us think that they lesse concern us then if we had earnestly begged of God to tell us what he would have us to be and do and as an Answer of our praiers we had heard him speak to us from heaven in particular To this man will I look that is of a poor and contrite spirit and trembleth at my Word For doubtlesse God hath not caused his Word to be written in vain at a venture for whomsoever should reade it but knew not who they were should reade it but he knew every particular person to whose hand his Word should come and knew his Word should come to my hands and I should reade these very words and therefore caused them to be written in particular for my sake though not exclusively Christ died for all his people yet Paul saith that he loved me and gave himself for me and Christ did think particularly of Paul and so of every one else for whom he died and gave himself up as a Sacrifice and ransome particularly thinking on and intending every one that should be saved by his death If a Minister should go to one that is given to Swearing and tell him of the hainousnesse of that sin and lay it home to his conscience in private it generally doth affect him
art well now is nothing that thou art young and strong now is nothing for how many are there that have been strong and well and as young as thou within a very few dayes after have been in their grave That thou must die is certain when where how none knows but he that made thee only this is true that generally men die sooner then they expect 2. Consider that there will be an end of the world as to thee thou must leave riches friends wife children houses lands and thine own body also Thy friends may stand weeping by but they cannot prolong thy life one minute 3. Consider that when thou comest to die it will certainly not repent thee that thou hast spent so much time in prayer so much in meditation so much in holy duties it was never known since the world began that any one did then say O that I had pray'd less though these holy duties now seem irksome and troublesome to thee doubtless then they shall bring more comfort to thee then all those riches and vanities in which thou hast spent so much time and took so much delight in These things are certain and infallible our understandings cannot O that our lives did not deny them Consider how that the dearest frinds thou hast in the world will hasten thy filthy carkass out of the doors they will scarce dare to stay with it alone but say as Abraham did Let me bury my dead out of my sight and then how seldom will they think or speak of thee or if they do what good will it do thee 5. Consider alas poor man whether will thy soul go then to hell or to heaven dost thou know to which doest thou not think thou shalt go that way which thou hast gone all thy life long if thou hast walkt in the wayes of hell how canst thou imagine that at the end of that journey thou shouldst arrive at heaven 6. Consider what good will all thy wealth all thy pleasures all thy vanities do thee at that day they will all vanish as doth the morning dew Alas who knowes not all these things and yet not one of a thousand consider and lay them to heart and to know these truth and live unsuitably to them doth but add to our folly and madness O that they were wise saith God that they would consider their latter end These serious considerations of our death and preparation for it is one of the chiefest points of wisedom in the world 7. Consider if thou miscarry in this great work of concernment viz. thy death thou art undone for ever If thou mightest live again and mend that errour which thou committedst in thy dying ill than there were some hope but it is appointed for all men once to die and but once Affections 1. Abhor sinne It is you and you only that can make that hour miserable unto me Alas O my Soul though we now have slight thoughts of such and such sinnes through the deceitfulnesse of Satan and our own hearts yet at that hour if we had a thousand worlds we would give them all for that which we have so little regarded while we live viz. that we had kept a strict Communion with God and watch over our own hearts 2. Despise the world O ye vanities and fooleries of the world why should I spend my time and strength in following after you What have ye done for me or what can you do when I shall stand most in need of comfort you will not only prove vanities but vexation of spirit Solomon hath tried you and he hath from his own experience and from the teachings of the Spirit hath told me that you are but vanity and all men when they come to die set their Seal to this Truth Shall I to mine own destruction yeeld to your enticements why should I not have the same opinion of you now as I certainly shall have when I come to die 3. Humble thy self before God and cast thy self into his arms of love beg wisedom of him every night I am a day nearer my grave then in the morning I am nearer to it but Lord make me fitter for my grave and when that hour shall come let it not come as a thief in the night to rob me of all my comforts and rather then that hour should not be an happy hour let my whole life be nothing but affliction and misery Alas Lord if thou deniest me this Petition what wilt thou give me Thou hast said O that they were wise that they would consider their latter end and I said Lord teach me so to number my daies that I may apply my heart to wisedom Resolutions O my Soul since things are thus let us not resist known truths shall we neglect these truths because they are plain if they are abstruce then we doubt them If they are plain shall we despise them Dost thou not know how soon thou shalt die then what have we to do that must be done before we die do it with all thy might for the night comes wherein no man works My children are not yet sufficiently instructed in the waies of God I will set apart half an hour in a day to instruct them for this moneth or give so much to the poor every time I misse there is such a neighbour or acquaintance who goes on in wicked waies and my words have so much power with him that I am confident if I do earnestly beg of God to blesse me in the work and take him privately and lay before him his danger and presse him to holinesse he may be wrought upon I have omitted it hitherto but I am resolved sometime within a week to take some opportunity to speak seriously and home unto him or give so much to the poor and so every week give so much to the poor until I have spoke with him c. And since it so much concerns me to be prepared for death I will every day make it one speciall clause of my praier to begge of God that he would fit me for that hour and I will lay up treasury in heaven by giving to the poor and make my self friends of this unrighteous Mammon that when I fail they may receive me into their habitations Conclusion 1. Pray Beg of God that he would encrease in thee strong spiritual apprehensions of death and that the thoughts of death might imbitter every unlawful pleasure to thee Say unto God Lord how few daies are between me and eternity whether of horrour or of glory I am not yet fully satisfied It is a sad thing that a thing of so great concernment I should be uncertain of O blessed God let this Meditation so work upon me that I may not cease to pray unto thee and to examine my self and use all holy means for the making of my calling and Election sure For very shortly I shall be past praying past examining for when thou shalt summon me out of this life then
thought of them hast thou such a full assurance or is thy life such that thou needest not fear Was not Moses and John as holy as thou Was not John the beloved Disciple and Moses one with whom God spake face to face and yet they trembled O my Soul it is much to be feared that it is ignorance and infidelity not a Gospel-assurance that makes thee so senceless nay it is infallibly certain that whosoever lives wickedly and trembles not at the thought of judgement it proceeds from a conscience seared with a hot Iron 2. Admire and be astonisht at the miserable condition of all those that live without God in the world such are all they that repent not and beleeve not the Gospel 3. Examine and try thy self O my soul Let us judge our selves that we be not judged We may easily know what Questions shall be put to us that day we must be judged by the Word of God then let us judge our selves by it now do we indeed strive to enter in at the straight gate May that which we do in the service of God be truly called striving or no Can a saint praier be called striving or no when every temptation at the first assault overcomes thee and thou fightest not a stroak Is this striving Is this to fight a good fight and resisting unto bloud Do we think that God at the day of judgement will avouch this striving nay can our own Conscience think it so now Be not deceived God is not mocked 4. Pray O blessed God thou that art the great and just Judge of all men be pleased to fit and prepare me for that that that day may not come so as a thief in the night as to rob me of all my comforts deal with me how it seems good in thy eyes afflict me chastise me only let me be saved in the day of the Lord. 5. O my Soul Let us truly consider what we are to do and how we are to live that when others at that day shall call to the hils and to the Mountains to fall upon them and to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb we may lift up our heads because our salvation draweth near Well O my soul I reade in the Word of God that the neglecting to judge our selves and the judging of others are two sinnes that will cause all those to be judged and condemned that live in them therefore I am resolved by the gracious assistance of the Spirit of God for the time to come never to censure or judge any one as I have done and frequently to examine my self and as frequently and severely to judge my self as formerly I have used to censure and judge others and to use as much lenity mildenesse in judging and censuring others as ever I did in censuring my own waies and if I doe speake ill of any one I will if I remember it when I am before the Throne of grace not only begge pardon of my sin in rash judging but as much as in me lies make him some restitution by putting up as many praiers for him as I have spoke evil things of him and let us further resolve of my soul and by thy blessed assistance O God I am resolved and do promise before thee for the time to come frequently and I beseech thee that I may alwaies do it before I do or speak any thing consider whether I dare own that action or that word at the day of judgement and if I dare not own it I will not dare to do or speak it and when at any time I think of omitting of any holy duty and think that such or such an excuse will serve I will bring it before the Judgement Seat of God by seriously considering with my self whether in my conscience I think that God will take that for a sufficient excuse at that great day For the Conclusion of this Exercise I referre you to the Conclusions of the former Meditations for I am loth that this Manuall should swell too much MEDITAT VI. Of Hell BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God Considerations 1. Consider O my soul the greatness of these torments certainly if God so heavily afflicts his own people as he did Job Heman and divers of his people who have been in dissertion many years How sad are the expressions of David he saith he roar'd for the disquietnesse of his soul And how many sad expressions has Job that he had not time to swallow his spittle and how that he chose rather a strangling then life and many other exceeding sad expressions which could never have proceeded from an holy man who is set before us as a pattern of patience if his afflictions had not been very great and Heman said that the terrors of the Lord were so great that he was almost distracted with them and so from his youth up untill that time that he writ that Psalm Psal 88. If this be done to the green tree what shall be done to the dry And if God chastise his people with such rods what scorpions shall the damned be scourged with and if the righteous have been thus afflicted tossed with tempests and not comforted where shall the wicked and ungodly appear what shall the portion of their cup be even the dregs of the vials of Gods wrath for upon the wicked he shall rain snares fire and brimstone and a horrible tempest 2. Consider what the sufferings of Christ were if we do truly and seriously consider how much those words signifie when our Saviour saith My soul is heavy to the death we shall be help'd to understand what our Saviours sorrows were If the wisest holiest and patientest man in the world who was not oppressed or distempered at all by reason of any bodily distemper of melancholy I say if such a man should come to an intimate bosome friend and with a sad countenance should tell him that he was even ready to die because of the abundance of grief and sadness that lay upon his spirit would not this argue that his sorrowes were exceeding great especially when his friend never heard him to complain in all his life though the injuries and sufferings had been very great all along If he should further say unto his friend I beseech you to watch with me surely it would argue an heart overwhelm'd with grief Now I say for our Saviour to say so to his Disciple and afterward to sweat bloud O what unknown sorrows did our Saviour feel How then is it possible for the wicked to escape when God spared not his own Sonne though he was but a surety and those sorrows that made him groan will crush thee to pieces Woe be to that man that is to satisfie the justice of God in his own person 3. Consider O my soul the sad aggravating concommitants of these torments every member and faculty both of body and soul shall be tormented here if our head akes may be our heart