was a Temptation and presently to run to Jesus Christ for Succour and Relief and to apply the Promises unto my Soul and I quickly found Comfort and was soon freed from Temptation But in this my Prosperity I was ready to say I shall never be removed I began to think I should never be in Adversity and sometimes I was ready to question whether I was one of God's Children because I had no Afflictions I thought God did not love me because he did not chasten me I thought I could bear any thing he should lay upon me As I valued not Life so I feared not Death I thought I could freely and willingly lay down my Life for Christ if I was called to it But this joyful lively active Frame of Spirit did not long continue in about a quarter of a Year it began to abate and I began to be more cold and indifferent in spiritual things and not to be so active and lively as before This was a great trouble to me and made me to question all that was past I thought I should still have grown better and better and not worse Then that Scripture was terrible to me 2 Pet. 2. 29. If after they have escaped the pollutions of the World through the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ they are again entangled therein and overcome their latter end is worse than their beginning And that Scripture Heb. 6. 4. It is impossible for those that were once enlightned and have tasted the good Word of God c. if they fall away to renew them again to repentance Also that Text Rev. 3. 15 16. Because thou art neither hot nor cold I will spew thee out of my mouth I was much sensible of my Backslidings fear'd I should turn Apostate Had not that sweet Promise interposed I will heal their backslidings and love them freely I had been certainly swallowed up in Despair Satan that roaring Lion came upon me very fiercely but that Scripture was very comfortable to me I will put my fear into their hearts and my spirit into their inward parts and they shall never depart from me And whom he loveth he loveth to the end And he that hath begun a good Work will perform it unto the day of Jesus Christ And faithful is he that hath called you who will also do it These and other Scriptures did support me but I could not attain to my former lively performance of holy Duties nor had I that Communion with God in holy Duties as formerly which was no small trouble to me and kept me from rejoicing in God Yet I cannot say but I had sometimes Assurance of God's Love but not constantly as I had before Then my Grandmother being sick I went to be with her at my Uncle's House He being a very good Man his Company was no small Comfort to me My Grandmother also being a very pious Woman was always speaking of what was good I enjoy'd much of God while I was there but yet was many times in fear about my Spiritual State and much troubled with the Temptations of Satan After I had been there a quarter of a Year it pleased the Lord to visit me with the Small Pox which was a very sore Disease to me I was brought so low as to be given over for dead by most if not all that saw me and once they thought I had been actually dead When I was first sick I began to be in great fear what would become of me if I should die but this Cloud was soon blown over and the Lord was pleased to shine upon me with the Light of his Countenance and speak Peace to my Conscience And when I was as weak as I think any could be and live yet had I then much inward Joy and Comfort the Promises were as Cordials to my fainting Spirits That Promise Isa 41. 10 did often refresh me Fear not for I am with thee be not dismayed for I am thy God I will strengthen thee I will help thee yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness That also Psal 73. 25. My flesh and my heart faileth but God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever So Psal 43. 5. Why art thou cast down O my Soul Why art thou disquieted within me Hope thou in God for I shall yet praise him who is the health of my countenance and my God These and many other Promises were my Support in the Day of my Distress I had then such assurance of God's Goodness and Love to me and of the Pardon of my Sins and of my Interest in Christ that I longed for Death and could not bear the thoughts of living any longer I had such Fore-tastes of Heaven that I cared not for the Earth I earnestly desired to be dissolved and to be with Christ which is best of all I thought if I should live any longer I should but sin against God and that I could not glorifie him in my Life as I desired I thought if he should restore me I should not be enabled to walk answerably to so great a Mercy These and other such Reasons made me impatient of Life and long for Death I was angry with any that prayed for my Life I now fear that I did sin in being so desirous of Death and not submitting my Will to the Will of God to be at his Disposal whether for Death or Life So it pleased the Lord after a long and tedious Sickness to raise me up from the very Gates of Death This was looked upon as almost a Resurrection from the Dead for which great Deliverance I can never be sufficiently thankful And because I so much desired to die I did not prize my Life and this Deliverance as I should have done Neither did I render to the Lord according to the Mercy I received from him I desire now to be truly thankful to the Lord for all his Mercies and to shew forth my Thankfulness by walking more closely with him all the Days of my Life The following encouraging Considerations among others were collected by him out of several Books and Sermons and are printed from his own Papers in hope of being useful for the Support of others I. THOU that complainest of a hard Heart and fain wouldst mourn for thy Sins to thee I say be not discouraged thy Hardness feared and felt is not the Plague of Hardness It is the Disease indeed of the Heart but it is not the Curse it shall not destroy thee Thou may'st be comforted under Hardness felt and bewailed and pray'd against true Tenderness about Sin is always accompanied with dislike and hatred against Sin and with watching and striving against it if thou hast so much Tenderness bless God and be thankful II. There is no Instance can be given of a Soul utterly for saken of God that can mourn for the want of his Presence If God's Love be precious to thee and most desirable be
this thou findest thou hast more Desires after Grace that is more Grace Art thou not only thankful for a little Grace but art reaching after more Dost thou grow more weary of thy Sin and more earnest after Christ I hope in the Lord it is thus with me that I am more weary of Sin and desire more Grace Now Growth is a Sign of Life Again Put this Question to thy self Do I hunger and thirst after Christ This is an Evidence of Spiritual Life Dead Men do not hunger and thirst after Christ Now I hope in the Lord I do hunger and thirst after Christ and nothing but himself will content me Again Ask thy Soul Do I love God and Christ or do I not These Marks he gives of Love to Christ Lord I love thee for I am grieved at thy Absence and am rejoiced at thy Presence Lord I love thee for I love those that are like Thee O my Lord I love thee for I love the Place and Duties where thou art wont to meet thy People and warm their Hearts but if thou art not there I cannot take up contentedly with them Lord I humbly say I love thee for I dare not deny but I am grieved when thou art dishonoured by my self or others tho' I grieve for this less than I should because I love thee less than I ought Lord I love thee for I desire to have an Heart that should be willing to part with all for thee things sinful in themselves at all times and things lawful when thou callest me to it Once more I humbly say I love thee for I would have an Heart to love and long and look for thy Coming and Appearance in Glory Mr. Ambrose directing to try our Title to Heaven adviseth First To write down the Scripture-Marks or Grace or Glory and mentions these several Scriptures following 1 Joh. 2. 3. Hereby we know that we know him if we keep his Commandments 2 Cor. 1. 12. For our rejoicing is this the Testimony of our Conscience that in Godly Simplicity and Sincerity we have had our Conversation in the World 1 Joh. 3. 9 10. Whosoever is born of God sinneth not because his Seed abideth in him neither can he sin because he is born of God In this the Children of God are manifest c. 1 Joh. 4. 13. Hereby we know that we dwell in him and he in us because he hath given us of his Spirit 1 Joh. 3. 14. We know that we have passed from Death to Life because we love the Brethren James 1. 12. There is a Crown of Life the Lord hath promised to them that love him But above all observe these Texts following as containing the special Gospel-Conditions to which we find so often annexed the Promise of Justification and Glorification Joh. 3. 16. God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Joh. 5. 24. He that believeth hath Everlasting Life and shall not come into Condemnation but is passed from Death unto Life Joh. 6. 40. And this is the Will of him that sent me that every one that seeth the Son and believeth in him may have Everlasting Life Joh. 20. 31. These things are written that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ the Son of God and that believing ye might have Life through his Name Acts 16. 31. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved Rom. 10. 9 10. If thou shalt confess with thy Mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thy Heart that God hath raised him from the dead thou shalt be saved Heb. 10. 39. We are not of them who draw back unto Perdition but of them that believe to the saving of the Soul 1 Joh. 5. 13. These things have I written unto you that believe in the Name of the Son of God that ye may know that ye have Eternal Life From the first Text we gather the Scripture mark of universal Obedience from the second Sincerity from the third Opposition against and Abstinence from Sin from the fourth Spiritual Performance of holy Duties from the fifth a Love of the Brethren from the sixth a Love of Christ from all the rest Faith in Christ the Root and Spring of all other Graces and necessary Conditions of Pardon and Eternal Life Proceed we now to put the Question to our selves but be sure to state it aright Let it not be Whether there be any Good in us at all For so we shall err on the one hand nor yet Whether we have such and such a degree and measure of Grace For so we shall err on the other hand But Whether according to the fore-mentioned Scriptures such and such a saving Grace be in us or not Now I having begged of God his Help to try the State of my Soul by what follows this 17th of August 1676. and I do hope I find the true Marks of saving Grace in my Soul and desire here to enter them down that I may have recourse to it in time of need and the Lord grant I be sincere 1. O my Soul hast thou respect to and dost observe all God's Commandments Dost thou keep the Law in Truth and Sincerity tho' not in gradual Perfection Dost thou know God in part and love God truly by a sincere Obedience Dost thou keep the Commandments in an Evangelical Sense And wherein thou failest dost thou acknowledge thy Failings and rely upon Christ for Pardon Is thy universal Obedience internal and spiritual as well as external Is thy Delight in the Law of God after the Inward Man Is thy Obedience to the Duties of both Tables Dost thou make Conscience of particular Duties in every Relation 2. O my Soul hast thou Sincerity and Uprightness of Heart Is there a powerful Change of the whole Man by the Grace of God Dost thou do what is good upon this account because God commands it not because it will agree with thy Ends and Advantage but because God hath required it Art thou diligent and conscientious in secret Duties to perform them and in Spiritual or Heart Sins and secret Lusts to avoid them Dost thou serve God in Spirit Dost thou eye God whether in private or publick Dost thou set thy self zealously against those Sins thou art most inclined unto Dost thou hate Sin most in thy self and in those that are nearest unto thee Hast thou respect to all God's Commandments but yet to the Duties of the first Table before the second to the Commands of greater Duties before those of lesser Duties Or if in all these Particulars thou findest not such an Uprightness as hath no Deceit or Falshood or carnal Respects at all joined with it for as all other Graces are but in part so are we sincere and upright but in part art thou humbled under thy Hypocrisie and spiritual Guile And dost thou trust only to Christ And dost thou cry as David did for Truth in the
by Faith 6. True Faith works Patience not only Patience in waiting but Patience in suffering There is a Patience in waiting for the Accomplishment of the Promises Faith saith to a Believer The Things thou waitest for are worth thy waiting for them the Comforts thou desirest the Crown of Glory thou expectest is worth waiting for Again Faith works Patience in Suffering Heb. 10. 34. They took joyfully the spoiling of their Goods knowing they had in Heaven a more enduring Substance Heb. 11. 36. 37. They endured the Trial of cruel Mockings of Scourgings of Bonds and Imprisonments They were stoned sawn asunder tempted slain with the Sword they wandered about in Sheep-skins and Goat-skins being destitute forsaken tormented and yet their Faith in Jesus Christ carried them through all these Sufferings Faith tells the Soul The Sufferings of this present Life are not worthy to be compared with the Glory that shall be revealed 7. True Faith will work an undaunted Profession of Christ's Name He will profess Christ openly when called to it The Disciples professed Christ when it was Death to do so I am not asham'd of the Gospel of Christ saith the Apostle I esteem the Reproach of Christ better than the Glory of the World and the Cross of Christ better than the Crowns of the World I esteem his Crown of Thorns better than all others in this World I bear about me the Marks of the Lord Jesus Gal. 6. 17. he calls his Sorrows and Sufferings the Marks of Christ I esteem them my greatest Honour God forbid saith he I should glory in any thing but in the Cross of Jesus Christ Thus you see what Fruits Faith works in reference to Jesus Christ Now there are Fruits of Faith in reference to our selves as these following 1. True Faith works abundance of inward Peace and Joy Rom. 5. 1. Being justified by Faith we have Peace with God And it must needs be so because that Faith tells the Soul the Bond is cancelled that Sin is pardoned the Burden is taken off Wounds of Conscience are healed with the Wounds of Christ A Believer can say In Peace will I lay down my Head in the Bosom of Christ When Storms and Waves arise a Believer can sit in his Ark Christ and a good Conscience is an Ark for a poor Soul where he is safe A true Believer hath always the Ground of Joy tho' not always the Exercise of it 2. Another Fruit of Faith in reference to our selves is Boldness in coming to the Throne of Grace We have Boldness and Access by Faith in Christ Ephes 3. 12. A true Believer can pour out his Soul to God make his Moan to his Father It is his comfort he can go to his Father with a Child-like Boldness and Confidence 3. Another Fruit of Faith is Contempt of the World Acts 4. They sold their Possessions and brought the Money and laid it down at the Apostles Feet They regarded it no more than the Dirt under their Feet Faith hath an Eagle's Eye it sees things a far off and an Eagle's Wing to carry a Man above the Flatteries and the Frowns of the World By Faith Moses feared not the Frowns of the King Heb. 11. 27. Faith lets a Man see there is better to be found in Christ than in the whole World He that can find a World in Christ will be willing to part with all the World for Him 4. True Faith will produce a strong Desire of strengthening and encreasing it and that both in Truth and Growth It will make a Man still be searching his Heart that he may be sure he hath the Truth of Faith It makes a Man prize a Soul-searching Ministry that may plough up the Fallow Ground of his Heart And it works a Desire of Growth also it makes a Believer pray Lord encrease my Faith whether thou encrease my Trade and Wealth or no however Lord encrease my Faith After I had wrote these Things I went into my Closet and there begged of God his Help and Assistance to try my self by these Characters and then spent a little time going over them and trying my State by them and I bless the Lord I now cannot but say to his Glory that I find them in some measure in me I hope that those I could not so positively answer to yet I could in the Desire of my Soul I hope in the Lord I am not deceived If I am I beseech him for Christ's sake to undeceive me and let me know how it is with me But methinks God hath begun some good Work in me and wrought Faith in my poor Soul tho' it is very weak The Lord humble me and the Lord help me to bless his holy Name for the least Grace and earnestly to endeavour and beg of him the Encrease of it I hope in the Lord I may have recourse to what I have done this Day and what is entred before in a Time of Doubts and Fears in an Hour of Trouble under God's Withdrawings yea that I may have Comfort from it in an Hour of Death The Lord grant I may not now be secure and careless but that I may walk very closely and exactly before him to his Praise and Glory here till at last I come to live with him in his Heavenly Kingdom May the 9th 1678. I spent the Day in a Secret Fast One End among others I proposed to my self in it was to search into the State of my Soul again also that I may be inabled to suffer for Christ if I am called to it c. I hope I desired to be sincere and hearty I tried my self by the Marks and Characters before set down I hope I can say upon Search that the Lord hath wrought saving Grace in me it was I hope my hearty Prayer that if it was not so I might not so enter it here but I turst the Lord hath turned me from Darkness to Light and that I am not dead in Sins and Trespasses but there is a Principle of Life in me the Lord grant I may not be deceived Towards the close of the Day I read over my Covenant and hope I did from my very Heart desire to bewail the Breach of it and renew it with the Lord which I did I hope in the Strength of his Grace desiring Christ may be my Surety being much affraid of my being deceived lest it should be with me as heretofore I hope I did heartily take the Lord for my God and give up my self unto him and bind my self to forsake all Sin and to live more to his Glory according to the Covenant I entred into with the Lord about eleven Years since taken out of Mr. Allen 's Book I bless God I was assisted to Day in the Work I undertook the Lord accept of me thro' Christ and let not this Day be lost O that I may not prove false and hypocritical with him but go away enabled to live more to his Praise here till I come
will go mourning in this World while I have a Day to live till Christ shall please to cast an Eye of Grace and Mercy on me Nay let it come to this I cannot live if God be not reconciled If Christ be not mine my Spirit fails If the Lord do not relieve me there is nothing No abiding for me unless he speak a Word of Peace When the Soul is brought to this I must have an Interest in Christ or nothing will satisfie me such an one shall find Acceptance Therefore be in good earnest and let the Desires of the Soul rise up to an holy Restlesness O wretched Negligence that we can let the greatest Concerns of our Souls lie at Hazard all our Days Ten Questions to ask our Hearts Thus Mr. Steel advis'd we should often commune with our Hearts I. What have I been if now I am changed I was a wretched Sinner II. What Good have I done that God may have the Glory and I the Comfort III. How have I done it IV. What have I neglected The slothful Servant is condemn'd who had Talents but did no good with them What Duties have I neglected and how many Opportunities of doing good omitted V. What State am I in Am I in a gracious or sinful State in Christ or in my Sins If I am in Christ he rules if in Sin that reigns VI. What Frame am I in Am I in a gracious or worldly Frame of Heart VII What do I Am I in my Calling and in the way of my Duty Am I now doing the Will of God VIII Whither am I going Towards Heaven or Hell Every Moment I take a Step to one of them IX How far am I on my Way to Heaven X. What shall I do to be saved Salvation is to be had how shall I attain it His Covenant with God O Most Dreadful God! for the Passion of thy Son I beseech Thee accept of thy poor Prodigal now prostrating himself at thy Door I have fallen from Thee by mine Iniquiry and am by Nature a Son of Death 〈◊〉 a thousand-fold more the Child of Hell by 〈◊〉 wicked Practice but of thine Infinite Grace Thou hast promised Mercy to me in Christ if I will but turn to thee with all my Heart Therefore upon the Call of thy Gospel I am now come in and throwing down my Weapons submit my self to thy Mercy And because thou requirest as the Condition of my Peace with thee that I should put away mine Idols and be at Defiance with all thine Enemies which I acknowledge I have wickedly sided with against thee I here from the bottom of my Heart renounce them all firmly Covenanting with thee Not to allow my self in any known Sin but to use conscientiously all the Means that I know thou hast prescribed for the Death and utter Destruction of all my Corruptions And whereas I have formerly inordinately and idolatrously let out my Affections upon the World I do here resign my Heart to thee that mad'st it humbly protesting before thy Glorious Majesty That it is the firm Resolution of my Heart and that I do unfeignedly desire Grace from thee that when thou shalt call me hereunto I may practise this my Resolution through thy Assistance to forsake all that is dear unto me in this World rather than to turn from thee to the Ways of Sin and that I will watch against all its Temptations whether of Prosperity or Adversity lest they should withdraw my Heart from thee beseeching thee also to help me against the Temptations of Satan to whose wicked Suggestions I resolve by thy Grace never to yield my self a Servant And because my own Righteousness is but menstruous Rags I renounce all Confidence therein and acknowlege that I am of my self a hopeless helpless undone Creature without Righteousness or Strength And for as much as thou hast of thy bottomless Mercy offered most graciously to me wretched Sinner to be again my God through Christ if I would accept of thee I call Heaven and Earth to record this Day that I do here solemnly avouch thee for the Lord my God and with all possible Veneration bowing the Neck of my Soul under the Feet of thy most Sacred Majesty I do here take Thee the Lord Jehovah Father Son and Holy Ghost for my Portion and Chief Good and do give up my self Body and Soul for thy Servant promising and vowing to serve thee in Holiness and Righteousness all the Days of my Life And since thou hast appointed the Lord Jesus Christ the only Means of coming unto thee I do here upon the bended Knees of my Soul accept of him as the only new and living Way by which Sinners may have Access to thee and do here solemnly join my self in a Marriage-Covenant to him O blessed Jesus I come to thee hungry and hardly bestead poor and wretched and miserable and blind and naked a most loathsome polluted Wretch a guilty condemned Malefactor unworthy for ever to wash the Feet of the Servants of my Lord much more to be solemnly married to the King of Glory But sith such is thine unparallel'd Love I do here with all my Power accept thee and do take thee for my Head and Husband for better for worse for richer for poorer for all Times and Conditions to love and honour and obey thee before all others and this to the Death I embrace thee in all thine Offices I renounce my own Worthiness and do here avow thee for the Lord my Righteousness I renounce mine own Wisdom and do here take thee for my only Guide I renounce my own Will and take thy Will for my Law And since thou hast told me that I must suffer if I will reign I do here Covenant with thee to take my Lot as it falls with thee and by thy Grace assisting to run all Hazards with thee verily purposing that neither Life nor Death shall part between thee and me And because thou hast been pleased to give me thy holy Laws as the Rule of my Life and the Way in which I should walk to thy Kingdom I do here willingly put my Neck under thy Yoke and set my Shoulder to thy Burden and subscribing to all thy Laws as holy just and good I solemnly take them as the Rule of my Words Thoughts and Actions promising that tho' my Flesh contradict and rebel yet I will endeavour to order and govern my whole Life according to thy Direction and will not allow my self in the Neglect of any thing that I know to be my Duty Only because through the Frailty of my Flesh I am subject to many Failings I am bold humbly to protest that unallowed Miscarriages contrary to the settled Bent and Resolution of my Heart shall not make void this Covenant for so thou hast said Now Almighty God Searcher of all Hearts thou knowest that I make this Covenant with thee this Day without any known Guile or Reservation beseeching thee That if thou espiest any Flaw
thankful it is not Grace that is denied thee but only Comfort She that mourned that her Beloved was gone and had withdrawn himself was a Spouse still she had an Interest in the Bridegroom tho' she saw him not Diseases felt in the Soul seldom prove mortal Desire after Christ and Sanctification is a sign of no utter Rejection The Soul that can truly desire Mercy is not totally excluded Mercy O let tempted troubled Souls then be comforted The blessed God hath a compassionate open Ear to all sensible self-bemoaning Sinners Jer. 31. 18. I have surely heard Ephraim be moaning himself there are none such but shall be heard of God They shall be loved of God that loath themselves They shall be acquitted of God that condemn themselves his merciful Ear is still open to Self-bemoaning Sinners When once a Sinner comes to himself he is not far from God Isa 40. 27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and speakest O Israel my way is hid from the Lord and my Judgment is passed over from my God The inward Thought of many sensible Sinners is that God hath cast them off and shut his Door of Mercy upon them and will never concern himself more in their Salvation Such unkind thoughts we are apt to have of a good God when Conscience brings our Sins to a bitter remembrance Well now saith God Why say'st thou O Jacob the words are a Reproof for Distrust of God Why dost thou think and speak so unkindly of me as that I should cast thee out of my care and thoughts My way is hid from the Lord. What is the meaning of that Why God takes no notice of my Wretchedness to commiserate my Condition and relieve me he cares not what becomes of me or my ways And my way is hid that he cannot help me and my judgment is passed from my God That is there is a Sentence of Death past on me there is no escaping but see how compassionate the Lord speaks Why dost thou say so poor Soul I am not thoughtless and regardless of thee as thou say'st v. 28 29. Hast thou not known and heard the everlasting God gives power to the faint and to them that have no might increases strength Such as are desponding and hopeless in themselves God raises them up They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength God in his time will refresh every weary Soul III. The Covenant of Grace is God's free Offer and Promise of Life and Salvation by Christ to all Sinners that shall believe in him It is a gracious and firm Obligation in which God doth make over himself and all his Goodness in Christ to all Believers It is a great matter for God to be our God in special Covenant when he saith I will be your God it is as if he should have said I will bestow my self upon you What I am I am for thee my Spirit my Comforts my Son my Love my Goodness my Assistance my Happiness it is thine my Holiness shall make you holy my Wisdom shall make you wise my Righteousness shall make you righteous Whatsoever a God can do for his People I will do for you you shall have all things needful for you all things desirable All that you can expect from a God expect it from me I will be gracious to pass by thy Unworthiness I will be merciful to pardon thy Sins I will be Holiness to change thy Nature I will be Assistance to thee in Duty I will be Comfort to thee in Trouble I will be Wisdom to cure thy Folly I will be Plenty to thy Wants i will be Strength to thy Weakness I will give a Blessing to your Estates I will be Providence as to your Dangers I will be Preservation as to your Persons I will be Salvation to your Souls I will be your Sun and Shield I will be your Recompence and exceeding great Reward I will be a God unto you I will be your God and Guide unto Death and your Portion for ever This is for God to be our God in special Covenant IV. There may be Faith where there is no Assurance Remember it O my Soul for thy Comfort and make a right use of it Thou may'st be a true Believer tho' thou art but a weak Believer nay tho' thou art ready to think thy self no Believer It is one thing to have an Interest in Christ and Salvation and another to know it It is possible for many a good Christian to trust in God and believe in Jesus Christ and yet in time of Desertion and Temptation he may not know it A Soul under the Eclipse of God's Countenance may think himself in a lost Condition as David did I said I am cut off from before thine Eyes Psal 31. 22. but it was not so for God then heard the Voice of his Supplication A man may truly fear the Lord and obey the Voice of his Servants and yet may walk in Darkness and see no Light Isa 50. 10. Sion said the Lord hath forsaken me my God hath forgotten me Isa 49. 14. but it was not so There may be Faith of Adherence where there is not Faith of Evidence The Soul may cleave fast to Christ and say If I perish I will perish at thy Foot hoping waiting trusting tho' thou killest me yet I will trust in thee tho' I know not whether thou lovest me yet I will endeavour to love thee There may be Faith without Assurance otherways true justifying Faith may be lost for Assurance is with some quite lost at least for a time but true Faith cannot be lost it may decay but not fail I have prayed for thee that thy Faith fail not saith Christ to Peter This Prayer he makes for all Believers They also that have some Assurance of their Salvation have it not in the same measure There may be a good measure of Assurance tho' not full Assurance There is a probable Assurance I mean when a Christian comparing his Heart and Life with the Example of Christ and Rule of the Word finds that tho' he hath some reason to fear lest he should be an Hypocrite yet he sees more cause to hope than to fear When after he hath searched himself made an impartial Trial of himself he comes to this Conclusion Tho' I am not as confident I shall go to Heaven as I am that there is a Heaven yet I bless God I see more ground to hope that my Sins are pardoned and that I am in a state of Salvation than to fear it is otherwise When I reason the case with my Soul I have more Arguments for me than against me and can say if I die this moment it is not only possible but probable that I should be saved this I call a probable Assurance There may be Doubts and Fears where there is this Assurance because Doubts and Fears do not always proceed from the Weakness of Grace but sometimes from the Strength of Temptation A Man that hath
SOME ACCOUNT OF THE Holy Life and Death OF Mr. HENRY GEARING Late Citizen of London Who departed this Life January the 4th 1693-4 Aged 61. By JOHN SHOWER The Second Edition With the Trial and Character of a Real Christian collected out of his Papers for the Examination of himself From which several other Particulars are added for the Instruction Encouragement and Imitation of Christians LONDON Printed for John Lawrence at the Angel in the Poultrey 1699. To my Respected Friends Mrs. HANNAH GEARING The Widow AND Mrs. Mary Fisher Mrs. Eliz. Billinghurst Mrs. Ann Roberts The Children of Mr. HENRY GEARING WHen God hath taken any of our holy Relations from us who were ready for the Heavenly Mansions made meet for the Rest Peace and Joy of the upper better World we should rejoice in the Grace of God towards them with Thankfulness owning our Mercy that they lived so long to glorifie God here and be useful to us and others It would be very unreasonable to lament their Departure out of any Pretence of our Affection to them and no less unkind to wish that for our sakes they should not have died or should return from Paradise to our sinful troublesome World But we know they shall not come to us the only way therefore to meet them with Comfort is to remember their Instructions follow their Counsels and imitate their Faith and Holiness their Integrity and Self-denial and resolved persevering Obedience to God The Prayers and Pattern of such an Husband and of such a Father as yours is a Blessing for which God expects your Praises Tho' in the former Relation it was enjoyed but a little while long enough however to make you Madam bless God for him and unfeignedly to value and honour his Memory while you live May his Grace supply and help you to improve this Breach To you his Children I most earnestly recommend the following Papers God and Man will expect your profiting by them more than others You know how much you were upon his Heart You know his Example and manner of Life and how you ought to walk and please God You have seen the Beauty of Practical Godliness exemplified you know how fervently he was wont to wrestle with God in Prayer for you You know with what daily Pains and Care Wisdom Faithfulness and Love he endeavoured your Salvation rejoicing in any good Success thereof but hardly able to support under the Burden of the contrary Fears as to Any of those whom God had given him O dread to think that either of You or any of Yours should meet him at the Day of Judgment and be rejected of Christ among the Workers of Iniquity when both your Parents shall be own'd honour'd and rewarded among the Faithful An ordinary Hell will not be Punishment enough for the Children of such Parents if you miscarry and fall short of Heaven But if you seek after God with your whole Heart desiring to please and serve him who was the God of your Fathers for many Generations if you are humble and prayerful and prize the Blessing of the Covenant keep within the Bond of it and mind the Duty of it your Way is prepared your Acceptance is assured there is a Prospect of more Grace and Consolation for you and yours as a double Blessing promised to the Childrens Children of such as fear the Lord. That you may experience this and in order to it resolve that your Father's God shall be your God for ever and ever is the hearty Prayer of Your Affectionate Friend and Servant in the Gospel JOHN SHOWER London Feb. 16. 1693-4 A SHORT ACCOUNT Of the Holy LIFE of Mr. Henry Gearing c. IF there be Joy in Heaven among the Angels and the blessed Inhabitants Above upon the Conversion of a Sinner we may reckon there is so from time to time upon the Addition to their Number of any such who by the Grace of God are made meet for the Heavenly State and Life Among many others of late deceased Mr. H. G. was doubtless a very welcome Person The too frequent Flattery of Funeral Orations I know is a common Objection against speaking or writing any thing of the Dead because many are commended whose Names are written in the Dust and deserve to perish with their own Dung But the Memory of the Just shall however be blessed their Death is precious and their Examples useful to all who knew them and may be so to many others It is not I confess of every good Man or Woman that dieth that we can speak such things as we may to the just Commendation of some Neither is it fit to publish all the Good we can of every Body because it may be they had some Blemishes that will make the other incredible or lessen its Use But Persons of eminent Grace and Holiness are the choicest Works of God the richest Ornaments the most precious Jewels that can be shown For the meanest Saint is incomparably more noble and honourable than the greatest Personages in the World that are Slaves of Sin and Enemies to God But as one Star differs from another in Glory there are some more lively Images of God and who better imitate the Pattern of Christ some Vessels of Mercy filled with Grace above their Fellows Of such as these we ought to speak to the Glory of Divine Grace There is an attractive Influence in their Pattern some good Savour and Impression may be left by the serious Perusal of their Lives and Character Divers have dated their first Conversion from reading or hearing such Relations But as many an upright Christian whose Funeral Sermon I may be call'd to preach will come far short of the Spirit and Practice of Mr. G. so I resolve to speak more sparingly of the Dead in such Discourses lest I raise the Expectation of the like where I cannot conscionably perform it And on the same Account I forbear the mention of some things which He desired of me and I complied with because I would not encourage others to desire the like I hope the publishing of such Examples may be one means to confute or silence the Atheism of the present Age as if there were no Reality in Religion that it is meer Notion and Talk or a Cover for Hypocrisie An exemplary visible Piety is proper to confute such Cavils baffle such Prejudices and convince the Minds of Men and bring them secretly to wish that they themselves were such It is certain the unsutable Lives of those who profess Religion hath greatly stumbled and hardened many in their Profaneness Some of no ordinary Parts or Education under Convictions of Sin and Fears of Hell upon a Death-bed have told me that the wicked Lives of such as pretended to Religion had more hindered their Seriousness than all the Quirks and Subtilties or bold Attempts of such as would overthrow the Principles of Christianity Besides serious well-disposed Christians will be encouraged by the Example and Commendation
return to him of whom I am now further to speak It pleased God to begin very early with him before he came to London when he was about Twelve or Thirteen Years old God doth often so bless a good Education of Children and would oftner do it if Parents would be careful to do their Duty in this Particular with Wisdom and Faithfulness There were such Discoveries as I am informed of his serious Godliness in his Youth as were observed by many to the Admiration of the Grace of God He began betimes to seek after God and Christ These were his best Days and he comfortably found him whom his Soul loved The Pleasure the Advantage the Success and Comfort of Devotedness to God in our Youth is beyond all Expression When he came to London God directed and settled him as an Apprentice with his Cousin Mr. Joshua Gearing already mentioned where he had the Advantages of a Religious Family and constantly attended the serious affectionate Ministry of Mr. James Nalton whose Name and Memory is still precious with many in this City God was pleased to bless his Preaching to his effectual Conversion or rather to nourish and increase the Seeds of Grace planted before He always thought he could never speak with Honour and Affection enough of Mr. Nalton whom God had made so useful to his Soul He would frequently to his dying Day mention with what powerful Impressions on his Consciences his Sermons were accompanied how he thought himself in a Corner of Heaven under his Ministry that he could many times have wished to have gone directly to Heaven from the Place of Publick Worship such a Presence and Power of the Divine Spirit did attend the Gospel-Ministrations May the Residue of this Spirit be more plentifully poured out on the Ministers of Christ in this City and Nation for the like Effects on the Souls of Men He hath often Spoken and writ how sweet and advantagious a Season for Religion the Time of his Apprenticeship was What Heavenly Thoughts and Meditations be frequently had in the Shop and behind the Counter He hath often professed that by reason of his Freedom at that time from Worldly Cares and Business it was the best Time he ever enjoyed for God and his Soul in his whole Life He had then nothing else to do but to serve God and please his Master who was the more pleased with him for loving and pleasing and serving God The Conversation he had in Heaven by Ejaculatory Prayer while he followed his Master's Business he hath often since reflected on with Joy and Thanks saying He would not for all the World but be able to remember what he then enjoyed for he never had such lively comfortable uninterrupted Communion with God afterwards Tho' in his After-course he continued in this Evidence of a Heavenly Mind and Heart frequently to lift up his Soul to God whatever Business he was about and whatever Company he was in He hath sometimes owned that he enjoyed as much of God in his Thoughts while walking in the Streets as when he was upon his Knees When his Time was out he chose to tarry a whole Year or more with his Master being afraid lest the World should engross too much of his Heart and Time and had almost resolved to retire into the Country to be out of the Danger of many Temptations and to have more Opportunities for Meditation and Prayer But judging truly enough that that was not the way to be useful in the World nor could he bring so much Glory to God in a private retired Life as by settling in a Family and Calling he accordingly did both And chose a sutable Companion out of a Religious Family who desired with him to make Religion her Business and God was afterwards very kind to him in the like Choice It was his Custom every Night to write down in Short-hand some of the most material Things of every Day relating to his Soul as his Mercies his Sins the Frame of his Heart in Duty gracious Returns of Prayer special Providences to himself and others c. He desired every Night to lie down in Expectation of Death and Preparation for it tho' he were in perfect Health And through the Goodness of God he enjoyed an extraordinary Measure of it for many Years So that till a little before his Death I have heard him say that he had not been above twice kept by Sickness from hearing a Sermon on the Lord's Day for the space of Forty Years To those Christians who have full leisure for this excellent daily Work of Self-examination and recording the Result of it this Course would be of unspeakable Advantage But I urge it not upon all It is sufficient to many to renew their Repentance for daily Failings and record only the extraordinary and more remarkable Passages of their Lives not having time to record the ordinary Occurrences of every Day But besides what he did every Day he frequently set apart whole Days with Fasting and Prayer to examine and try the State of his Soul Part whereof he transcribed afterwards tho' but a very little part which is here added as containing the Character and Trial of a Real Christian with the Reason of his transcribing it And I am perswaded he did it with great Sincerity and Humility the rather because when about a Month or six Weeks before his Death he was under some Darkness and Clouds as to his Evidences for Heaven and apprehended his Time on Earth would be but short he desired to discourse with me more than once about the State of his Soul which I shall always remember with Thankfulness to God in order to my making the better Judgment of his Case he let me see some of those Papers written many Years before but sends me a Letter the next Morning to recal them mentioning his great Trouble after I was gone lest what he had done savoured of Pride and ought rather to have been concealed Such was the Tenderness of his Conscience in this and in every thing I shall say the less concerning his Examination of himself because you have here annexed a short Account of the manner of it The lawfulness of trying our selves by Marks and Signs of the Truth of Grace I hope will not be questioned when it is but to evidence the Sincerity of our Faith and Repentance and holy Obedience while we ascribe unto our Lord Jesus Christ what belangs to him as our great High-Priest All that is done by Christ without us in order to our Salvation may and ought to be distinguished from what is done by the Spirit of Christ and his Grace within us because there is a manifest difference between what causeth our Acceptance with God and that which is evidential of it in order to our own Comfort His Example in the strict Observation of the Lord's Day and conscientious Faithfulness in his Family-Relations hath been taken notice of to the Edification of many The
of it the Devil Thanks be to God who hath given him and assured us of the Victory through our Lord Jesus Christ To him be Glory throughout all the Churches for ever Amen THE Character and Trial OF A REAL CHRISTIAN Now follows out of his own Papers the manner of his examining his Heart and Life State and Frame and the Result thereof recorded and written for his Support in After-Difficulties Some may be excited by it to an Imitation and others find Encouragement by what reliev'd him against his Doubts and Fears and enabled him to persevere even without full Assurance HENRY GEARING THO' I have been under much Hardness and Deadness for many Years yet I thought good for my Encouragement here to record God's Goodness to me sometimes By looking over my Books in which I have wrote down in Short-hand every Night how it was with me in the Day I find that I have sometimes been quickned and affected in Prayer often in Family-Prayer at Night on the Lord's Day Tho' I began very much indisposed yet it pleased God to draw out my Heart in Earnest Desires and I have had some Meltings more than usual At other times in Family-Prayer at Night I have been more than ordinarily affected And sometimes under the Word preach'd Once at the Morning Lecture when I heard a Sermon of buying the Pearl of Price At other times I find I was affected greatly in Family Prayer so as scarce to be able to speak for weeping At another time I have recorded how I was quickened by hearing a Sermon of Mr. Swinnock on that Text He will not break the bruised Reed At several other times have had lively Affections in secret Prayer Often in my Walk to Clapham I have had my Heart drawn out in earnest fervent Desires after God Once repeating on a Lord's Day Evening a Sermon on that Text Behold I stand at the Door and knock and whosoever opens to me I will come in and sup with him I was so affected I could not go on for Tears but was fain to lay down my Book At another time the like in repeating a Sermon of the Redemption of Time At other times I find recorded that on the Lord's Day I went to Family-Prayer very sad but God did greatly assist me and my Soul was melted so that I could not proceed or speak for Tears At other times in Prayer and sometimes in singing of Psalms But for the most part I have been a great Stranger to Joy and Comfort ever since the Days of my Youth These Things I wrote March 18. 1689 being Remarks in general of near Twenty Years past As to what I have written in this little Book it was first in Short-Hand and never intended to be transcribed But afterwards I considered that many things in it might be of use to me by another's reading of it if it should please God to lay his Hand upon me that I could not my self read my Short-Hand And I know not but something in it may be useful to others I hope and pray it may be so unto many if the like serious Spirit accompany every Reader in the Perusal of the following Papers as he had in writing them Beg it of God and then begin to read Anno 1676 March 28. HAving had in my Thoughts sometimes to keep a secret â—ast in my Closet chiefly to search and try the State of my Soul this Day I did it and hope I did set about it in the Integrity of my Heart My chief Design was to examine how the Case stood between God and my Soul whether I had indeed a Work of saving Grace wrought in me And that I might get Corruption that is strong more mortified especially the Sin I most inclined unto and that I might be enabled from God to carry it better in my Christian Course both in my Family and in secret Retirements to the Glory of God After Prayer that God would help me to try my self I went to the Work of Self-Examination by the Characters that Mr. Ambrose hath given and by some Characters my Cousin Calamy laid down and others of Mr. Allen Mr. Nalion and Mr. Swinnock I spent a good deal of time herein and hope I desired to deal impartially with my self and did beg of God heartily that I might make a right Judgment of my self I endeavoured to keep my Heart close to the Work and tho' I could not meet with great Comfort yet upon serious Search I cannot find but that God hath wrought true Grace in me blessed be his Name I hope I may have recourse to this Day while I live for Support in any Case I did also read over the Covenant I entred into with the Lord about nine Years since and renewed my Covenant and gave up my self afresh to the Lord and took him for my God and Portion I hope in the Lord that I was sincere and upright I found some Ease and Quiet in my Mind afterwards O that I may not now grow careless but live answerably and remember I have renewed my Covenant with the Lord and if he hath in any wise spoke Peace to my Soul let me not again return to Folly for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake An. 1676 July 27. Looking over my Book where I enter at Night how it is with me every Day I find I have been out of order many times in Duty since the Trial of my self mentioned here but hope I did desire to have my Heart with God And the Lord was pleased sometimes in Duty to draw out my Soul in earnest and hearty Desires after him My Heart through Mercy hath been sometimes tho' too seldom in a good Frame the Lord have Mercy on me and grant I may be sincere and upright with him He is pleased still as for many Years past to withdraw from me and I do not meet with much Comfort in his Ordinances But I remember what Mr. N. used to say that Grace is better than Comfort God grant that I may make sure of Grace and act and exercise Grace and wait upon him for Comfort It is worth waiting for all the Days of my Life The Lord help me tho' I sit in Darkness and see no Light to trust in the Lord and stay my self on my God The Lord help me to keep up Faith and Hope in him through Christ to wait and trust and hope and believe still against Hope of Sense to believe in Hope of a Promise The Lord make me careful to mind his Glory and doing my Duty in the Place in which he hath set me for I am apt to be troubled lest I should fail of my Duty towards those committed to my Charge The Lord in Mercy grant I may set to his Work with all my Might and get my Work done before my Day of Life be ended and that my Heart may be throughly taken off from this World and I may prepare for publick Calamities which are much feared by reason of the
abounding of all Sin and Wickedness more and more The Lord enable me to do and suffer his Will and let me have his Presence and his Promise made good not to suffer me to be tempted above what he will inable me to bear 1 Cor. 10. 13. and that I may readily let all go for Christ if I am called to it The Lord grant I may be made meet to be Partaker of the Inheritance of the Saints in Light and get my Evidences for Heaven ready which through the Assistance and Help of God I desire to go about The Lord grant I may not be deceived but may gather such Evidences as will hold out and bear me up in the midst of Troubles and Trials yea in the Hour of Death and the Day of Judgment The Lord in infinite Mercy sanctifie to me the Death of others God hath of late taken away many of my Neighbours Acquaintance Friends and Relations Ministers as well as others a little while since Mr. Pledger and Mr. Wells in one Day O that all may be sanctified and especially the Death of my Wife that I may yet make such use of that Providence as the Lord would expect and be ready and prepared for my own Departure hence whensoever it shall please my dear God and Father to call me home Being now about to enter here what I have to shew for a Work of Grace in my Heart and a Right and Title to Heaven I desire of the Lord to help me in this great Affair that I may not be deceived but that what I here enter may be the true State of my Soul and that which will hold out and yield me Comfort in an Hour of Distress It hath been in my Thoughts several times to enquire what I had to shew for my Hope of Heaven that which ran most in my Mind was Faith and Repentance which upon diligent Search of my Heart I hope I have First For Faith If I have true Faith I shall certainly be saved so saith the holy Scriptures He that believes shall be saved Joh. 3. 16. For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoeever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Now Faith in Christ is described in the Assemblies Catechism to be a saving Grace whereby we receive and rest upon Christ alone for Salvation as he is offered to us in the Gospel which I hope I desire to do I hope I do most heartily desire to take Christ on his own Terms as King Priest and Prophet in all his Offices and am willing to be ruled by him as well as saved by him I hope I desire to rest upon Jesus Christ alone for Salvation and own no other Saviour but him I hope I have the Faith of Reliance to rest and center in Christ I hope I can with all my Soul throw my self upon the Mercy of God in Christ and if I perish to perish there trusting in him that I shall not perish Blessed be God! I am often lifting up my Heart to Christ O my dear Jesus Blessed Jesus on thee on thee alone I rest when I am in Fears and Doubts and Troubles I hope I desire to say with the Church In the Lord have I Righteousness and Strength Righteousness for Justification and Strength for Sanctification and the subduing of Sin I hope I desire to renounce any Trust in my own Righteousness and Duties and wholly to rely and rest upon Jesus Christ When I have performed any Duty I desire to own that I deserve Hell for the sinful Imperfections of it yea for the best Duty I can perform And to have my Trust only in the Death and Merits Satisfaction and Intercession of Christ Tho' Spiritual Pride is very apt to rise in me yet I hope I do not allow it the Lord set my Heart more against it I hope I desire with the Apostle Phil. 3. 9. to be found in him not having my own Righteousness which is of the Law but that which is through the Faith of Christ the Righteousness which is of God by Faith I hope Christ is precious to me now that is an Evidence of Faith 1 Pet. 2. 7. To you that believe he is precious I hope I desire to prize Christ above all the World and if I know my Heart I would not part with the Hopes I have by Christ of Heaven for ten thousand Worlds I hope I desire to prize Jesus Christ as the Chiefest of ten thousand altogether lovely The Lord make me upright in this Matter that I may see the Worth and Excellency that is in him so as to be in love with him Secondly For Repentance If I have that Grace I am sure to be saved Acts 3. 19. Repent ye therefore and be converted that your Sins may be blotted out when the Times of refreshing shall come from the Presence of the Lord. Luke 13. 3. Except ye repent ye shall all likewise perish therefore if we do repent we shall not perish Now Repentance is described to be a saving Grace whereby a Sinner out of the true sense of his Sin and apprehension of the Mercy of God in Christ doth with grief and hatred of his Sin turn from it unto God with full purpose of and endeavours after new Obedience I hope the Lord hath wrought this Repentance in me I hope he hath given me a true Sight and Sense of Sin and that I am convinced of the Evil and Danger of it I hope I have an apprehension also of the Mercy of God in Christ I do not at all doubt but there is Mercy enough in God through Christ to forgive and pardon the greatest Sins if they are repented of The Lord hath declared himself to be the Lord God gracious and merciful pardoning Iniquity Transgression and Sin Exod 34. 6. I hope I desire to be truly sorry for all my Sins to grieve and mourn for them tho' my Heart be hard yet I hope I could be glad if it were broken that I could mourn more for my Sins Surely it hath been a Trouble to me many times in Confession of Sin that I could not mourn and weep and was not affected as I desired I hope I desire to hate Sin also the Lord work a true Hatred of all Sin more and more in me I hope I desire to turn from all Sin unto God with full purpose of Heart to cleave to him I hope the Bent of my Soul is right for God tho' I have many Failings and Miscarriages I hope the full Purpose and Resolution of my Heart is for God and his Ways It being upon my Mind what I had further to note that might be an Evidence of Grace I hope these things following which it pleased God to bring to my Thoughts may be some ground to believe God hath wrought savingly upon me Surely I do confess my Sins often to the Lord in secret and desire to have my Heart penitently affected with them and
bear the Cross as well as receive the Crown Now it is said If we suffer with him we shall also reign with him 2 Tim. 2. 12. These things it pleased God to bring to my Mind as some ground of Hope that my State is good I enter'd these things here Aug. 11. 1676. Now my Intention is if it please God to make use of other Helps and search my Heart by them and enter them down here that I may have resort to them in a time of need anâ— the Lord help me further in this great Work of Self-Examination that I may not be deceived for the Lord Jesus Christ's sake Having endeavoured to search my Heart throughly after earnest Prayer to God I hope I find the Evidences of Grace in me that Mr. Allen hath laid down which are these 1. Where there is true Grace there is a hearty Willingness to part with every Sin Where ever there is this Breach made between Sin and the Soul it is Grace that hath made it When Sin hath lost the Will it hath lost the Man when Christ hath gained the Will he hath gained the Man Give me thy Heart is the same as Be willing to be mine Reason saith I ought to turn Conscience saith I must turn and yet nothing may follow But when the Heart saith I will turn to God then the Work is done Reason saith These Idols ought not to stand Conscience saith These Lusts must be subdued But when the Will saith to them Get you hence there is a Work of Grace begun This Willingness discovers it self to be prevailing First When a man is truly willing to part with Sin there will be Resolutions against it he takes part with God against Sin and uses all Means for the conquering of it Secondly This Resolution will bring forth Resistance An Heart weary of Sin will fall to striving against Sin Gal. 5. 17. The Flesh lusteth against the Spirit and the Spirit against the Flesh those two are contrary one to the other 2. Where ever there is true Grace there is a preferring in the Esteem and Choice of a strict and sincere Godly Life above any other Life in the World Tho' the foolish World runs a madding after Money and Pleasure spend their Days waste their Lives prostitute their Consciences throw away their Souls upon these things yet one Drachm of Godliness one Day spent in the Fear of the Lord is better than all this Psal 4. 6. There be many that say Who will shew us any good But Lord lift thou up the Light of thy Countenance on me saith a gracious Soul Thou hast put Gladness in my Heart more than in the time when their Corn and Wine increased Psal 17. 14 15. The Men of the World have their Portion in this Life their Bellies thou fillest with thy hid Treasure they are full of Children and leave the rest of their Substance to their Babes But as for me I will behold thy Face in Righteousness I shall be satisfied when I awake in thy Likeness The Men of this World as they seek so they have their Portion in this Life They have a gallant time of it here great Portions great Prosperity enough to spend on themselves and leave to their Children after them this they have and much good may it do them let me but behold the Face of God in Righteousness walk before the Lord in my Integrity keep a good Conscience live in the Obedience of his Will and in the Light of his Countenance and then let them take the Corn and Wine and what else they can get Let the Lord be mine and I shall never envy them their Portion Psal 119. 30. I have chosen the way of Truth V. 111. Thy Testimonies have I taken as my Heritage for ever Observe 1. That a Godly Man's settled Judgment is That a Godly Life is the best and happiest Life 2. That a Godly Man's Choice is according to his Judgment He esteems the Fear of the Lord above Gold and he chooses it before Gold He is better pleased and doth rather take up with the meanest and most afflicted Condition in a way of Holiness than with the most plentiful and prosperous Estate in a way of Sin He prefers the Poverty of Christ before the Riches of the World 3. Godly Men and Worldly Men may be known one from the other by the Choice they make for themselves he that makes a Worldly Choice is a Worldly Man and he that makes a Godly Choice is a Godly Man 3. Whosoever hath true Grace doth actually live a Godly Life The Tree is best known by its Fruit the Sincerity of our Purposes by our Performances He that doth Righteousness is righteous 1 Joh. 3. 7. A Godly Man makes Godliness the Business of his Life Religion is a Christian's Trade A Man's Trade is his constant Work and not the Exercise of now and then a Day or two Godliness is a Christian 's daily Walk Do not inquire only about your Affections what your Desires are or what your Joys are what your Comforts are or what your Peace is but what your Paths are When all comes to all this is the surest Mark He that hath Righteousness is righteous he that doth not Righteousness is not of God Mr. Sheppard in his Sincere Convert lays down three Marks wherein a Child of God goes beyond a Hypocrite and I having examined my Heart hope I find them in me 1. No Hypocrite or Unregenerate Man tho' he goes never so far let him do never so much but he lives in one Sin or other secret or open little or great Now I hope in the Lord I do not live in any Sin 2. No Hypocrite no Unregenerate Man ever came to be poor in Spirit and to be carried off from all Duties unto Christ in regard of Dependance and Trust If it were possible for them to forsake and break loose for ever from all Sin yet here they stick They seek to save themselves by their Duties without Christ Now if my Heart doth not very much deceive me I desire to renounce all Things and rest only on Christ 3. If any Unregenerate Man come unto Christ he never takes up his Rest in Christ only but he would have Christ and the World too is not content with Christ alone But I hope I desire to be content with Christ alone and to say as the Martyr None but Christ None but Christ Mr. D. in his Book of the Lord's Supper to prove that one hath a Principle of Spiritual Life and is not dead in Trespasses and Sins writes thus Canst thou groan and cry to the Lord for an Interest in Christ and will nothing quiet and still thee but Jesus Christ Then surely thou dost live all the Creatures cannot quiet thee till thou hast Hopes that Christ is formed in thee Surely I find this Sign of Spiritual Life in me Again Dost thou grow It may be thou canst not say thou hast more Grace but
a Title to Heaven or that we have not but pass not this Sentence with Self-Flattery nor from Melancholy Terrors and Fears 1st Not with Self-flattery Alas what will it profit us to think our selves the Children of God when we visibly express the Power of Sin and Satan in our Lives 2dly On the other side pass not this Sentence from Melancholy Unbelief Terrors and Fears As the carnal Man fails the former way so the tempted Christian sometimes fails this way In this Case run we over our Evidences again and again and proceed we from those that are more difficult to those that are more easie One Sign perhaps may be more easily perceived than another and if we can but discover some yea if but one we may assuredly gather all the rest are there Come then pass on now to Sentence O but implore the Spirit 's Assistance now if ever let us desire him to shine on our Graces and then speak groundedly and deliberately and truly as we find according to our very Consciences Do not conclude as some do I am a good Christian or as others do I am a Reprobate or an Hypocrite and shall be damned When we have no ground for what we say but our own Fancy or Hopes or Fears let not our Judgment be any way biass'd or brib'd from sentencing aright Then he further adviseth That we should labour to get our Hearts kindly affected with its discovered Condition according to the Sentence pass'd on it Do not think enough to know but labour to feel what God hath made us to see if we find our selves renewed and sanctified indeed O let us get this warm and close to our Hearts bethink our selves what a blessed Estate hath the Lord brought us into to be his Children his Friends to be pardoned justified and entitled to Life Why what is it we now need to fear but sinning against him Come War or Plague or Sickness or Death we are sure they can but thruft us into Heaven Thus let us follow these Meditations till they have left their Impressions on our Hearts Then he adviseth to record this Sentence so passed to write it down which now I desire to do this 18th of August 1676. Having searched and tried my Heart yesterday and at this time also after I hope earneft and hearty Prayer to God for the help of his Spirit to try my State and Condition I did fall again to the Work of Self-trial by the fore-mentioned Particulars and tho' I cannot fully declare a positive Answer to every Question yet if my Heart doth not very much deceive me I can to most of them I hope I can I beg of God I may not be deceived It is some Comfort to me where I cannot so fully answer some of them I hope I can truly say I most heartily desire it may be so with me And tho' Grace be very weak in me which I hope I desire to be humbled and mourn for yet I dare not deny God's Work in me I must not deny the Day of small-Things but to the Glory of God must own surely there is something of Good wrought in me by his Holy Spirit And my Comfort is Christ will not quench the smoaking Flax nor break the bruised Reed Mat. 12. 20. I am not now affected with the Discovery of my Condition as I should and do not find at present inward Comfort in my Soul I am and have been much under the Withdrawings of God for a time by reason of my Apostacy and Backslidings from him and not walking closely with him yet I desire I hope to lament after the Lord and not content my self till I again meet with him The Lord give me Grace to wait on him in a way of Duty and to act Grace tho' I want Comfort O if I am but sincere and wait still upon God who can tell but he may return with Comfort to my poor Soul The Lord help me to maintain Faith and Hop through Christ Tho' I sit in Darkness and see no Light yet to trust in the Lord and stay my self on my God Isa 50. 10. The Lord help me now to walk answerable to the great Things he hath done for my poor Soul I desire and hope I may have recourse to this hereafter as I shall have need And that it may be of Comfort to me for the time to come as Mr. Ambrose adviseth His Words are This Record will be very useful to us hereafter If we find we have a Work of Grace in us what a help will it be against the next Temptation to doubting and fear to go and read under our Hands this Record May we not think if at such a time I found the truth of Grace is it not likely to be now the same and these Doubts to come from the Enemy of my Peace Yet trust not so to one Discovery as to try no more Especially if we have made any soul Defections from Christ and play'd the Backsliders see then that we renew the Search again Neither let this hinder us in the daily Search of our Ways or of our Increase in Grace and Fellowship with Christ It is an ill Sign and a desperate vile Sin for a Man when he thinks he hath found himself gracious and in a happy State to let down his Watch and grow negligent of his Heart and Ways and scarce look after them any more Neither should we give over in Discouragement if we cannot at once or twice or ten times trying discover our Case but follow it on till we have discovered it if one Hour or Day will not do take another if one Minister cannot direct us sufficiently go to another the Issue will answer all our Pains There is no sitting down discouraged in a Work that must be done If we have been Hypocrites or ungodly Persons all our Lives yet is the Promise offered to us by Christ and he tenders himself to us to be our Lord and Saviour neither can we possibly be so willing to accept him as he is to accept us Nothing but our own Unwillingness can keep our Souls from Christ tho' we have hitherto abused him and dissembled with him O that the Lord would perswade us to the close Performance of this self-trying Task that we might not tremble with Horror of Soul when the Judge of all the World shall try us but have our Evidences so ready at hand and be so able to prove our Title to Heaven that the Thoughts and Approach of Death and Judgment might revive our Spirits and fill us with Joy and not apale us and fill us with Amazement September the 19th 1676. Finding my Heart very hard and dead of late and being still under the Withdrawings of God but I bless God I hope sensible of it and desirous to wait upon him for Discoveries of his Love and Favour and to lament after him and seek him in his Ordinances for I hope I cannot take up with Duty without something
to be for ever with him hereafter January the 30th 1682. I spent this Day in a Secret Fast in my Closet the main End I proposed to my self was to search again my Heart to find out whether there was a Work of Grace wrought in me or no also that I might get Corruption more subdued that is yet strong in me and that I may be inabled to suffer for Christ if I am called to it c. I hope I desired to be hearty in the Work tho' Hardness and Deadness was too much upon me The Lord forgive I hope I may say to the Glory of God that he hath begun that good Work in me that he will perfect of the Day of Christ I did earnestly beg of the Lord that I might not be deceived and hope I am not I trust the Lord hath pluck'd me out of a Natural Estate and turned my Heart from Sin unto himself The Lord grant I may now live answerable to the great things he hath done for me and keep the Covenant I have this Day renewed January the 30th 1684. I kept as a Fast and spent a good part of the Morning in Secret Prayer After Family Duty I went to hear a Sermon and then back to my Closet where I spent the rest of the Day The Ends I proposed to my self were That God would help me against Worldliness and distrust of his Providence for I have been much troubled of late by reason of many Losses and Trade being fallen almost to nothing and quiet my Mind and enable me to trust him and withal direct me how to proceed as to Earthly Things having some Thoughts of leaving this House And I desired also to be fitted for the Lord's Supper and that I might have Strength to suffer whatever God should call me to And in reference to the Publick I desired to seek God for Mercy to his Church and to these Nations I began with reading some Portion of God's Word then examined my self of the State of my Soul by some Characters of Grace in this Book I hope I desired heartily the Help of God and earnestly begg'd I might give a right Judgment of my self and was affraid of doing otherwise I hope I may say to God's Glory Surely there is somewhat of a Work of Grace that he hath graciously wrought in my Soul and that I am not dead in Trespasses and Sins Blessed O blessed be his Name I am not affected as I ought but am apt to fear still knowing my Heart is deceitful The Lord help me to be much in this trying Work for I cannot make too sure of my Salvation The Lord remove Doubts and Fears and strengthen my Faith in him and in his Promises After Self-examination I spent the rest of my Time in Prayer and hope I was hearty therein The Lord hear my poor Prayers for my self for my Children and for the Publick I also read over my Covenant entred into with the Lord many Years since and I renewed Covenant with God The Lord help me to live answerably and that Sin may be more subdued and Grace strengthened that I may find the Benefit of this Day while I live and be fitted for the everlasting Enjoyment of God in Glory February the 6th 1685. I kept a Fast by my self The main thing I had upon my Heart was the low Estate of the Church and of these Nations as also to search into the State of my Soul to get my Heart more taken off the World to have Corruption mortified and be enabled to suffer for Christ if called to it and never to forsake him I bless God I had his Assistance and hope I was hearty in the Work and that upon Trial I may say God hath begun a good Work which he will carry on and perfect to the Day of Jesus Christ O that I might make more sure of Christ and Grace and Heaven especially when I can make sure of nothing below but am at such Uncertainties as to all outward things The Lord help me to live in some measure answerable to his great Mercies and to keep the Covenant with him that I have this Day renewed Things whereby a Man may examine and judge of himself 1. If you would be saved you must by deep and serious Repentance forsake the World and Sin and turn to God in Christ and firmly believe in him 2. You must resign and devote your self to be the Lord's 3. You must take the Favour of God for your Happiness 4. You must be diligent in the Use of all holy Means and Duties 5. You must study the Scriptures to know God's Mind and do it 6. The whole Course of your Lives will be set to please and honour God Now examine whether you are like to be saved How is it O my Soul as to these things Do I go in the broad Way or not Let not the Devil keep you from this Self-Examination if he can prevail for that you may make a great Profession and do many things and yet perish for ever Judge of thy self by these things and seriously enquire 1. Whether Eternal Salvation have the Preheminence of your Esteem and Choice that you prefer it before all Wordly Prosperity 2. Is the obtaining of this Salvation and preparing for it the great Business of your Lives 3. Under the Sense of Sin do you give up your selves to Christ as the only Physician of Souls to heal and help and save you 4. Is it the sincere Desire of your Souls that you may be saved from Sin as well as Hell From the Power and Practice of Sin as well as from the Wrath of God 5. What is the Matter of thy Comfort Is it to converse with God To look up to him with Hope of his Acceptance Doth the Light of God's Countenance give thee more Joy than the Increase of Riches Canst thou say from thy Heart thou hadst rather be poor and despised and miserable in this World with God's Favour than to be the greatest Person in the World and God to be thine Enemy Examine by such Things as these O let me be in earnest for Christ and Grace and never rest till it be put out of Doubt that God in Christ is my God and that he hath made an everlasting Covenant with me If this be not I am undone for ever But this I must obtain or my Soul shall be in Bitterness before the Lord while I have a Being Nothing shall comfort me while I am Graceless and without Christ I am resolved for Him his Grace and Favour against all Denials If God will not let me see the Good of his Chosen and reveal his Christ and Grace in me I will mourn I will mourn while I live If God will not comfort me nothing else shall If I may not find Rest and Peace in Christ I will have none at all If God will take no Pleasure in me I will take none in my self My Tears shall be my Meat continually I
or Falshood therein thou wouldst discover it to me and help me to do it aright And now Glory be to thee O God the Father whom I shall be bold from this Day forward to look upon as my God and Father that ever thou shouldst find out such a Way for the Recovery of undone Sinners Glory be to thee O God the Son who hast loved me and washed me from my Sins in thy own Blood and art now become my Saviour and Redeemer Glory be to thee O God the Holy Ghost who by the Finger of thine Almighty Power hast turned about my Heart from Sin to God O Dreadful Jehovah the Lord God Omnipotent Father Son and Holy Ghost thou art now become my Covenant-Friend and I through thine Infinite Grace am become thy Covenant-Servant Amen So be it And the Covenant which I have made on Earth let it be ratified in Heaven April 11. 1667. HENRY GEARING A Pathetical Meditation on the Passion of Christ taken out of Mr. Wadsworth's Remains 8vo abridged and transcribed for his own Vse upon Sacramental Occasions A Way all trifling Worldly Business I must go see my bleeding Lord Come now my Soul look yonder thou wilt soon arrive at bloody Golgotha where thou shalt see thy bleeding dying Saviour to sigh and linger out a dying Life on the Cross in Love for thee This this might O my Soul have been thy Day in which thou might'st have drunk the bitter Cup of the fierce Anger of God! But look yonder there he goes that must drink up the Dregs and all for thee But come my Soul draw up a little nearer stand here and thou wilt see him passing Look there he goes with a Train of Virgins following But see how cruelly these barbarous Jews do use him they make him bear his Cross himself See how they laugh and scoff and wag their Heads as if he were their May-game Look see my Soul come tell me what thou seest O I cannot Sorrow ties my Tongue I cannot speak I see a Troop of Virgins following him their weeping Eyes their blubbering Lips their Sighs and Throbbings speak them Mourners I see my Lord looks towards them and kindly 〈◊〉 their loving Sorrow Weep not for me Ah could they do less than weep to see thine innocent Self among a Herd of Tygers But whither O whither O ye blinded Jews are ye dragging this my Lord My Spirit begins to faint I now can look no longer my Heart now begins to swell with Grief it must now break or I must vent it at my Eyes in Streams Look see the Hammer and Nails the Hammer lift up to strike Bloody Man thou durst not strike sure Surely thou dost not know whose Hands and Feet thou art now piercing it is the Prince and Saviour of the World But look see it is done The Nails are driven to the Head see how the Blood runs trickling down his Hands and Feet and see how hardned Hearts are laughing at it O silly foolish blinded Men what laugh yet See this very Christ you now mock shall be your Judge But come again look and see my Soul what is become of thy nailed and crucified Lord Ah me he is not quite dead look how he gasps and pants for Life O how pale and wan do I see his Cheeks methinks he should be dead for see how weak his Neck is grown that it is not able to support his Head that lies a dying on his bleeding Breast What yet not dead See how he shakes and stirs his dying Limbs What Gasps and Groans do I hear him fetch Hark hark he speaks O let me catch the last Breath of my dying Saviour What saith my Lord What My God my God why hast thou forsaken me He hath been all this while a drinking up the Cup his Father gave him the bitter sowr Cup of his Father's Wrath which I and all the World had else drank But must he endure all this Must he be crowned with Thorns and sweat and bleed and die and all for me This I stand amazed at But there was Necessity for all this either he must be thus dealt with or else my Sins could not be pardoned He must drink up this bitter Cup with all its Dregs or else I must have drunk it up my self It was I that sinned and must have suffered This cursed proud and earthly Heart of mine rebelled and broke the Laws and should have suffered and born the Punishment Had not he stept in and born the Stroak off from me I had been now burning in everlasting Flames and been lingring out this Time in Torments which I am now spending in the sweet Thoughts of my Escape Hath not the Prophet said all this in Isa 53. these Wounds Stripes Bruises he bore for thee O amazing Love and Grace the Son of God loved me better than his Life Was ever Love like to his Love He was a Stranger to me Why did he not let me die But he loved me I was a polluted Sinner methinks he should have loathed me but he did wash me and make me clean again But why did he love an Enemy Or how could he do it I know not why O inexpressible Love O Love past Thoughts He Loves because he will love What ails my Heart I cannot find it stir What! dead under the reviving Thoughts of thy dearest Redeemer Arise shake up thy self and look about thee thou dost not sure see thy Mercy Come away O come away lift up thy drowsie Head I will make thee look and love and e'er I leave thee confess thou lovest him Suppose now for thy Sins the Vengeance of God was just seizing upon thee turning thee into Hell and Christ comes and reveals himself to thee Sinner I love thee I say thou shalt not die Come feel my Heart how it beats towards thee Dost thou not see I have left my Throne and am come down to the Bar where thou standest condemned But why dost thou weep Come let me wipe thine Eyes and bind up thy bleeding and despairing Heart I tell thee thou shalt not die If Heaven will have Blood it shall have mine so it will but spare thine Now the Soul hath not a Word to speak against this Love Thy Son O God hath offered Satisfaction and thou hast accepted it Thou O my Saviour hast laid down thy Life for mine and thy Father and my Father is well pleased with it Blood is paid Justice is satisfied Heaven's Doors are widened thine Arms opened to receive me nothing is wanting but my Heart make it such as thou wilt have it and then take it to thy self Come my Soul the Father thou seest is willing and the Son is willing give but thy Consent and he is thine for ever Fear not thy Hardness Deadness Blindness Loathsomness all these cannot hinder if thou be but willing What stickest thou at What do'st ail Half of this ado would fetch a Heart for the World a little Mire and Dirt and is not
Christ far better The Dress for the Sacrament Lord where am I What! all the Children of the Bride-Chamber up and dress'd and I slumbring in my Bed Tell me ye fairest what make you up so early Alas our Lord was up before us all he called us up by Break-of-Day and wondered that we were not trimming our Lamps knowing with whom we were to feast this Day Well then I will rise up too O what a Shew do these bright and glittering Saints make in my Eyes surely they did not thus dress themselves It was my Father made them thus prepared to entertain his Son But where are my Cloaths Now for the fairest sweetest Robe of Thoughts and Wishes that can be found O how naked am I But where are my silken golden Twists of Faith to hang the Jewels of Joy and Love and Humility upon I am never dress'd till they be on O where are they I saw them by me but just now I laid them by my Heart before I went to Bed But ah I fear this envious World hath with her Vanities stolen them away or the envious Devil or Unbelief hath been ravelling or snarling of them that now I am as far to seek as ever Whither O whither shall I go to find them out Now will the Bridegroom come and I am not ready I cannot dare not go to Day now will my Lord be angry and ask me why I came not and I have no Answer to make him and if I go undress'd he will ask me where is my Wedding-Garment and then I shall be speechless Ah foolish simple Heart that thou should'st let these Thoughts of Earth so entangle themselves with thy Heavenly Meditations how to get them loose again thou know'st not this by Care thou mightest have prevented Now what Help Lord I have sinned O holy Father pardon this time and I will take more heed O come and untie my Thoughts from this Earth and come and dress me up as best pleaseth thee Come be not discouraged O my Soul let but thy Attire of Grace be whole that is sincere and thy God and Saviour will accept thee tho' thy Garments are not so much perfumed with Heaven as thy Brethrens are thy Lord knows all have not Talents alike and where he gives but little he expects but little thou hast an honest willing serious Heart that thinks it doth despise and trample under Feet the nearest dearest Pleasures Profits and Glories in the World compared with him that gave himself to Death for thee and hadst rather anger all the World than him by sinning against him in the least If this he true fear not thou hast thy Wedding-Garment on thou art well clad as mean soever as it is it is such an one as Heaven gave thee and such an one as thy dear Redeemer can and will embrace thee in The Presence-Chamber Fear not O my Soul I charge thee do not faint let not thy Weakness and the Poverty of thy Grace discourage thee see how thy Lord draws nigh O he comes and it is but to welcome thee and fall about thy Neck and kiss thee and bid thee a kind Welcome to thy bleeding Lord The Bread Welcome Fairest take and eat it is the sweetest Dainties dearest Morsel Heaven can afford thee Welcome my Dear to the Table of thy Lord welcome a thousand times I bid thee yea welcomer than thine own Heart can wish Take eat this Morsel it costs my Life it is a Portion thy Father sent unto thee by me and bid me remember thee of his Love to thee He bids thee remember a Father's Love I a Saviour's he hath a Heart to give thee and so have I take this in earnest of them both in one take freely if thou wert not welcome I would have told thee I would have ask'd thee for thy Wedding-Garment Tell me O tell me dost thou not love me I know thou dost And wilt not thou take the Cross and follow me I know thou wilt I heard thee and had Compassion on thy Groanings I know thee well enough thou art mine and I am thine take it I charge thee eat it as thou lovest me and while thou feedest remember the Love of thy dearest Redeemer The Wine Come my Dearest I have drunk and thou shalt pledge me I have broached my Sides and drew it on purpose for thee this is a Wine of my own making when I trod the Wine-Press of my Father's Wrath it is my Blood take and drink it Sin was the Cause of my wounding but to thy Soul it shall prove healing I died and bled to make this Banquet for thee I have brought thee into my Wine-Cellar and my Banner over thee shall be Love Fear not take and drink thou hast an Ulcer in thy Heart and this shall cure it thy Spirits are faint this shall revive thee Drink I charge thee drink on thy Love and Loyalty to me I command thee as thou wilt have thy Heart to mend thy Wounds to be cured thy Spirits to revive thy Fears to scatter thy Soul to love and obey me Take O take this Cup into thy Hand taste it and praise my Name Memorable Sayings and Passages collected and transcribed for his own Vse These are some among others WHat we are affraid to do before Men we should be affraid to think before God because our secret Thoughts are as obvious to the Eyes of God as our Actions to the Eyes of Men. God shewed more Mercy in saving some when he might have condemned all than he did Justice in leaving some to perish when he might have saved none Great Vertues without Sincerity of Heart are rejected when great Infirmities without Hypocrisie are pardon'd A good Intention cannot make a bad Action good tho' an ill Intention may make an Action in it self good to be evil He who presumes to sin in Hopes of Repentance shall be sure to repent because he presumes They who presume most in a time of Prosperity are most apt to despair in Adversity Repent one Day before thou diest was good Counsel I know not when that Day will be therefore I will repent to Day lest it should be too late to Morrow He that delays his Repentance one Day hath another Day more to repent of and one Day less to do it in God who joins the End and Means together doth accomplish all his Purposes of Good to us by working in us Desires and Endeavours sutable to those Purposes Better go to Heaven by the Gates of Hell than to Hell by the Gate of Heaven mourning to the Heavenly Glory than laughing to the Place of Torment One may suffer and not sin but if he sin he shall be sure to suffer Herod might have kept his Oath and not have cut off the Baptist's Head he only promised to grant what she ask'd to the half of his Kingdom whereas the Prophet's Head was more worth than the whole Such is the infinite Extent and Value of our Saviour's Merit that
tho' a Man had the Guilt of as many Sins lying on his Soul as there be drops of Water in the Ocean and if they were of as long Continuance as from the Creation of the World and aggravated with as hainous Circumstances as any of the vilest Sinners in Hell yet there is Merit enough in the Blood of Christ to take away the Guilt of all those Sins and when that is done Merit enough left to purchase as great a Glory as any Saint in Heaven enjoys But let none thereupon presume to go on in Sin for there is not a Word of Comfort in the whole Bible for such an one He that is affraid of too much Grace hath none at all He who is unwilling to be made better is not yet good In the most afflicted Condition of a Saint he hath more reason to question his own Love to God than God's Love to him God takes as much Care of every one of his Children as if he had but one to care for Our Times are in the Hand of God If they were in our Enemies Hands our Afflictions and Trials would be too long if in our own too short But because in the Hand of God Deliverance shall be seasonable and in due time Had we ten thousand Lives and Estates to lose and lay down for Christ one Hour's Communion with him in Glory will recompence for all our Self-denial whatever we have done or suffered That Man lives unlawfully who doth not sometimes abstain from lawful things Make it thy Business to act Grace and then trust God to bring in Comfort God is yours if you are unfeignedly willing to be his He that can from his Heart say Lord I am thine may on good grounds be assur'd that the Lord is his God That Man whom God cannot satisfie nothing can for God is to his People whatever they can desire or need Sight to the Blind Bread to the Hungry Cloathing to the Naked Strength to the Weak a Physician to the Sick Pardon to the Guilty Comfort to the Mourners Life in Death and Everlasting Life after Death When the Devil suggested to a good Man That it was in vain for him to mind God for he should never get to Heaven He replied I will then follow hard after him and keep close to him that I may enjoy as much as possible of God here on Earth Where Sin lies heavy every Affliction will be light 'T was the Saying of the Noble Marquess of Vico Their Money perish with them who think all the Wealth in the World worth one Hour's Communion with Jesus Christ Since no Man can see thee and live Lord let me die said an holy Man that I may see thee and be with thee If your Condition be never so low if your Hearts be lower it is well enough the Issue will be good And while God the Fountain is left you need not much complain for want of a broken Cistern While others live without God in the World a Christian should endeavour to live as without the World in and upon his God The same Love of God which leads one Christian into the Wine-Cellar and gives him Assurance may lead another into a Prison for the Trial and Exercise of his Grace In Prayer if a Man have not a care of the first Wandrings of his Heart from God he will hardly be able to recover himself afterwards 'T was a memorable Saying of a Great Man He may be deceived who thinks to save any thing by his Religion more than his Soul Before a Man is humbled he complains of God's Unkindness to him but afterwards of his own to God God had one Son without any Sin our Blessed Redeemer but never any Son without some Affliction and Suffering Blessed be God we have any thing to deny or lose or count nothing for Christ A Believer prays with Fervency as if he would not be delay'd and then waits patiently as if he had not prayed If you can say God is your God and all that is in the World is his how can your fear Want If he be not All-sufficient why do you call him so If he be why do you not trust in him If the Lord be good to the Soul that seeks him how good is he to the Soul that finds him If saith Jerom my Father and Mother did with Tears intreat me and my Wife hang about my Neck and my Children fall at my Feet to beseech me to forsake Christ I would cast them all off Father Mother Wife and Children and say Farewel all welcome Christ THE following Account of the Conversion of his Niece will give farther Testimony to his Charity Zeal and Diligence to promote Religion in his Family and how God honoured him by the Lustre of an holy Example to recommend serious Godliness to those who saw his Conversation and by his seasonable Counsels to assist the Recovery of one who under great Convictions and Temptations was in Danger to be lost by too long concealing of the State of her Case from such as could advise and direct her A short Account of the Conversion of Mrs. P. F. as she left it under her Hand before her Death I Am now going about to call to mind the great Mercy and Goodness of the Lord towards me the unworthiest of all his Servants to record his Loving-kindness and to make mention of the many and great Deliverances I have had I know not where to begin nor where to make an end I am even swallowed up in Admiration and ready to cry out with David What shall I render to the Lord for all his Benefits especially when I consider my own Vileness by Nature and how I deserved to be cast into Hell as soon as I was born as having an Heart full of Sin Vanity and Rebellion against God being conceived in Sin and born in Iniquity And as if this had not been enough I have added numberless most hainous Transgressions I have reason to bewail the Sins of my Thoughts I was thinking Thoughts of Pride and Vanity as soon as I could think I was running away from God as soon as I could go with my Back towards Heaven and my Face towards Hell After I came to Years of Discretion the more I knew of God the more I sinned against him The Sins of my Youth have been innumerable and very hainous in their Nature so that I have cause to pray with David Lord remember not against me the Sins of my Youth O the precious Time I have lost and the Golden Opportunities that I have squandred away The Light and Love the Mercies and Means of Grace that I have sinned against I have spent the best of my Years in the Service of Sin and in the Neglect of the great Concerns of my Soul I confess when I was but a Child since I had any Understanding I had always some Love to the Ways and People of God and some Delight in Holy Duties and was fearful of
Sin especially of Lying and Stealing and playing upon the Sabbath-Day I delighted to read the Word of God and good Books to others but I did not apply it to my self as when I read that Scripture that except we repent we shall all perish Except we are born again we cannot see the Kingdom of God That the Wicked shall be turned into Hell c. I thought these did not concern me because I was guilty of no gross Sin I reckon'd my Condition was good and I was ready to pity others but I was not sensible of the Corruption and Defilement of my Nature I did not see the Need of a Change I was not sensible of my undone Condition without Christ I saw not his Excellency nor had any Desires after him I knew not upon what Terms I must take him if I would be saved As to the outward Duties of Religion I lived in the Performance of many of them but as for the more inward and spiritual Duties of Christianity such as Self-examination Meditation Self-denial mourning for Sin and watching over my Thoughts Words and Actions strict Observation of the Lord's Day c. to these I was altogether a Stranger Thus I went on in Rebellion against God having a Form of Godliness but denying the Power And if God had then cut me off in my Unregeneracy certainly Hell-Fire must have been my Portion He might have sworn in his Wrath that I should never enter into his Rest O the wonderful Patience and Forbearance of the Lord towards such a sinful Creature It is a Miracle of Mercy I am yet on this side the Grave and Hell It is of the Lord's Mercy that I am spared so long and that he gives me space to repent that he should afford me the Means of Grace and send his holy Spirit to strive with me and give me many Convictions and all to reclaim me and bring me home to himself And that he should not only give me space to repent but an Heart to repent That he should not only stand waiting and knocking at the Door of my Heart so many Years calling on me to repent but that he should give me the Grace of Repentance This is undeserved Love and distinguishing Mercy For I was dead in Trespasses and Sins and had nothing but my Misery to move his Compassion I walked according to the course of this World I was insensible of my Danger tho' ready to drop into Hell every moment And I should certainly have perished had not the Lord been pleased to open my Eyes and to pluck me as a Fire-brand out of the burning and set me in the way to Heaven for which I can never sufficiently adore and praise his glorious Grace in Christ to me a vile sinful Creature Great was his Mercy towards me for he hath delivered my Soul from the lowest Hell which makes me say with David Come and hear all ye that fear the Lord and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul and the Way and Means whereby he was pleased to work upon my Heart The Manner of my Conversion which I hope is true and real is as follows It pleased the Lord by a sad Providence viz. the Sickness at London to bring my Unkle Gearing and his Family from thence to my Father's House where they continued about half a Year My Unkle being a good Man I could not but take notice of his strict and circumspect Walking and was much affected with it And I began to think surely the Way that I am in will never bring me to Heaven I thought I must live another manner of Life if ever I would be saved I had many Convictions but there I stayed but went no further I kept on in my former careless course When it pleased God to put a Stop to the Plague at London my Unkle returned with his Family and I went with him and continued at his House about two Months in which time it pleased the Lord to follow me with new Convictions partly by the good Example of my Unkle partly by many excellent Sermons which I heard when I was there so that I began in good earnest to look after the Salvation of my Soul and to say with the Goaler What must I do to be saved I began to be very desirous to hear the Word I took all Opportunities to hear and gave Attention to what was preached after another manner than I was wont to do and laboured to make Application of it to my self I heard Mr. Vincent preach upon Heb. 12. 14. Follow Holiness without which no Man shall see the Lord urging the Necessity of it as the only way to Heaven I was much affected therewith and began to think I must set about the Work of a thorow Repentance I began to be sensible of my Original Corruption and that I had been guilty of thousands of actual Sins Those which before I counted small I now look'd upon as great and upon my self by reason of Sin to be in a lamentable Condition I knew not how to get out of this sinful miserable State and the Lord was pleased to shew me that there was no Name under Heaven by which I could be saved but only by Jesus Christ I thought if I could have an Interest in Him and his Favour I should be saved but I feared God would not thus have Mercy upon me because I had gone on so long in Sin I heard an excellent Sermon upon Mat. 11. 28. Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy loden and I will give you Rest Proving first that Sin is a Burden And secondly that burdened Sinners are invited to come to Christ and then that those that come to him shall find Rest for their Souls This was a sutable Word to my Soul I was much affected in the hearing of in for I felt Sin to be a Burden no my Conscience and I would fain have Rest to my Soul I was sensible of my Want of Jesus Christ and of the absolute Necessity to be interested in him I began to see his Worth and Excellency as the chiefest of Ten thousands altogether lovely And then and not till then I had Hungerings and Thirstings after him so that I could say None but Christ give me Christ or else I die Thus it pleased the Lord by his Spirit to work upon my Heart by degrees to open mine Eyes and to let in some Spiritual Light into my Understanding which was dark before and to give some Spiritual Life to my Affections which were dead before But O the Enemies that did then labour to hinder my Conversion and stop this Work The World by Allurements and Discouragements sought to keep me off from Christ My own deceitful Heart and corrupt Disposition within me were no small Enemy and Hinderance to the Work of Grace in my Soul The Devil the great Adversary of God's Glory and our Happiness came like a roaring Lion ready to devour me so that I
Mat. 7. 7. Psal 30. 18. Joh. 16. 24. Psal 84. 11. Isa 40. 27. Psal 27. 14. Lament 3. 24 25 26. Psal 147. 11. Psal 26. 3 4. Isa 50. 10. Isa 41. 10. Isa 43. 24 25. Isa 44. 22. 1 Joh. 1. 9. 1 Joh. 2. 1. Mark 1. 18 19. Rom. 6. 14. Ezek. 34. 6. Psal 103. 8 9. Job 17. 9. Prov. 4. 18. Phil. 1. 6. Joh. 10. 7. Rom. 16. 20. Heb. 4. 15. These Promises with many more was the Lord pleased to give me in the time of my Distress and Trouble of Spirit and I found them reviving Cordials O how welcome was a Promise to me When I have been ready to despair and to give up all for lost and had nothing to support me then did I take the Bible into my Hand and desire God to direct some sutable Promise to me and opening the Bible the first place I have cast mine Eye upon hath often been a precious and sutable Promise and hath been set home with such Power as wonderfully to comfort me Once being under great Fear and Terror I opened the Bible and the first place I fixed my Eye upon was Isa 54. 4. Fear not for thou shalt not be confounded nor put to shame thou shalt forget the Shame of thy Youth thy Maker is thy Husband the Lord of Hosts is his Name and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel the God of the whole Earth shall he be called for the Lord hath called thee as a Woman forsaken and grieved in Spirit c. For a small Moment have I forsaken thee but with great Mercy will I gather thee In a little Wrath I hid my Face for a moment but with everlasting Kindness will I have Mercy on thee saith the Lord thy Redeemer c. I was wonderfully affected in the reading these sweet Promises and took it as a Voice from Heaven to me because I had desired some such sutable Promise At another time being in great Trouble and fearing I should never hold out but be overcome by Sin and Satan I opened my Bible and the first place I fixed my Eye upon was Isa 41. 10. Fear not for I am with thee be not dismayed for I am thy God I will strengthen thee yea I will help thee yea will uphold thee with the right hand of my Righteousness I cannot express the Comfort I received by this sutable and seasonable Promise One Sabbath-Day Night being still followed with Temptations full of unbelieving Doubts and Fears I was much troubled about it that I who had received such great Mercies should have such vain Thoughts and be so full of Unbelief Notwithstanding the Experience I had of God's Goodness and Mercy to me and the Assurance I had before of his Love I was tempted to think that I was not elected and that therefore all I did was to no purpose and that I should never be saved This was a subtile and strong Temptation Satan did not only labour to drive me off from all Duty but to weaken my Faith and bring me to Despair But the Lord who had many times before wonderfully rescued me from the roaring Lion would not suffer me to be foiled by him but was pleased to present that Scripture to my Eye There is no Temptation has taken you but such as is common to Men and God is Faithful who will not suffer you to be tempted above what you are able but will with the Temptation make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it At another time being greatly troubled with Unbelief that Place in the Revelations was terrible to me The Fearful and Unbelieving shall have their part in the Lake that burns with Fire and Brimstone which is the second Death This made me exceedingly affraid I thought if the Fearful and Unbelieving should perish then surely I should because I was so full of Fears and Doubts and Unbelief But the Lord did not leave me in this great Streight he would not suffer me to be overwhelmed with Sorrow but quickly directed me to a sutable and seasonable Scripture that was as comfortable as the other was terrible 2 Tim. 2. 13. If we believe not yet be abideth faithful he cannot deny himself This Promise was very sweet and sutable to my present Condition neither did I remember there was such a Place before These and many of the fore-named Promises were given me in my Trouble and Distress and the Lord enabled me by his Spirit to make Application of them to my own Soul for my Consolation Certainly I may say with David I had fainted unless I had believed to see the Goodness of the Lord in the Land of the Living The Sorrows of Death did compass me about and the Pains of Hell got hold upon me I found Trouble and Sorrow Then called I upon the Name of the Lord O Lord I beseech thee deliver my Soul Gracious is the Lord and righteous yea our God is merciful I was brought low and he helped me Return unto thy Rest O my Soul for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee In the multitude of my Thoughts within me thy Comforts delight my Soul In the Day when I cried thou answeredst me and strengthenedst me with Strength in my Soul Blessed be the Lord because he hath heard the Voice of my Supplication the Lord is my Strength and my Song my Heart trusted in him and I am helped If it had not been the Lord who had been on my side when Satan rose up against me he had surely swallowed me up The Lord has called me out of Darkness into his marvelous Light He hath plucked me as a Fire-brand out of Hell and set me in the way to Heaven So that I may say again and again Great is his Mercy towards me for he hath delivered my Soul from the lowest Hell But O! why is it that I am so little sensible of this great Deliverance How can I look back upon all this without admiring the Free Grace and undeserved Love of God towards such a worthless Worm as I who was an Enemy to him and a Rebel against him and had nothing in me but what deserved Hell O that ever the Lord should from Eternity elect and choose me to Salvation through Jesus Christ That God should pass by thousands and let them alone to perish in their Sins and cast a Look of Love upon me and when I was in my Blood say unto me Live That he should not only give his Son for me but to me That he should take me with the Prodigal from the Trough and with the Beggar from the Dunghil and make me an Heir of Glory When I read that Christ's Flock is but a little Flock and that strait is the Gate and narrow is the Way that leads to Life and few there be that find it I cannot but wonder that I should be in that Number And because I cannot sufficiently admire I will therefore adore my Good God But what Returns should I
now make to the Lord for all this Mercy Of my self I am not able to think a good Thought it is unlikely then I should make any sutable Return I have nothing of my own but Sin and that is God's Enemy which he perfectly hates I am not my own for I am bought with a Price Therefore if I give my self to him it is but that which was his own before Yet this will I do because I have nothing else to give I will give my Soul and Body to be the Lord's expecting Acceptance only for the Sake and Merits of Jesus Christ Surely God requires nothing of me but what he hath first given to me All that he requireth is but the Reflection of his Love back again when I have had the Comfort of it O what Thanks and Praise should I render to the Lord and say with David Bless the Lord O my Soul and all that is within me bless his holy Name Bless the Lord O my Soul and forget not all his Benefits He forgiveth all thine Iniquities c. Thou art my God and I will praise thee thou art my God and I will extol thee O give Thanks unto the Lord for he is good for his Mercy endureth for ever For he satisfieth the longing Soul and filleth the Hungry with good Things I will bless the Lord at all times and his Praise shall be continually in my Mouth I will love the Lord because he has heard the Voice of my Supplication because he has inclined his Ear unto me therefore will I call upon him as long as I live I will extol thee my God O King I will bless thy Name for ever and ever I will praise the Lord while I live I will sing Praise to my God while I have any Being And now when I look back upon this I cannot but rejoice in the Lord and joy in the God of my Salvation because I hope I have gone through the Pangs of the New Birth and truly enter'd in at the strait Gate and am now going the narrow Way that leads to Eternal Life which I hope to obtain through the Merits of Jesus Christ my Saviour And again When I reflect and look back upon all these Things what Cause have I to bewail the Sins of my Youth and the State of my Unregeneracy which was spent in Sin and Vanity and in those things wherein there is no Profit If God should remember against me the Sins of my Youth he might write bitter things against me If I should live the Age of Methusalah and spend all my Time in weeping the Tears of my Life to come were not sufficient to bewail the Sins of my Life past O what did I lose when I enjoyed no Communion with God! How much richer might I have been in Grace and Holiness and I set out in the Way to Heaven sooner But this is my Comfort tho' I did not come in at the first Hour yet I did not stay till the last This was the Lord's Mercy But my Sins before Conversion are not all the Sins which I have to mourn for but the Sins which I have been guilty of since and in some measure my Sins are greater since than they were before For I have now sinned against clearer Light dearer Love more Manifestations of God's Goodness more Experience of his Kindness more Resolutions to obey him greater Obligations to serve him so that I am asham'd to think how unthankful my Walking hath been since the Lord hath given me some Desires to serve him some Care to please him and some Fear to offend him When he was pleased first to lift up the Light of his Countenance upon me and speak Peace to my Soul after so many Temptations and Troubles of Conscience then I did not only serve him with Joy and Thankfulness but also with Life and Vigor O how was my Heart affected with Spiritual Things When I prayed it was with Sense and Feeling it was not only in Word but I poured out my Soul before the Lord. When I heard the Word of God how did I hear as for my Life and performed every Duty as for Eternity I did not look upon Duty meerly as a Task but accounted it a great Privilege to draw nigh to God in the Ways of his Appointment I found it was not in vain to seek him I was even filled with the Admiration of his Love and the Consolations of the Spirit and my Heart was enlarged and ran the Ways of his Commandments with great Delight and Comfort I could say with the Church As the Apple-tree among the Trees of the Wood so was my Beloved Jesus to my Soul I sate down under his Shadow with great Delight and his Fruit was sweet unto my Taste I could in some measure say with David As the Hart panteth after the Water-brooks so panteth my Soul after thee O God My Soul thirsteth for God for the living God When shall I come and appear before God O God thou art my God early will I seek thee My Flesh longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty Land where no Water is How amiable are thy Tabernacles O Lord of Hosts My Soul longeth yea even fainteth for the Courts of the Lord for a Day in thy Courts is better than a thousand c. My Soul waiteth for God from whom cometh my Salvation He only is my Rock and my Salvation he is my Defence I shall not be greatly moved In God is my Salvation and my Glory the Rock of my Strength and my Refuge is in God Because thy Loving-kindness is better than Life my Lips shall praise thee my Soul shall be satisfied as with Marrow and Fatness and my Mouth shall praise thee with joyful Lips With my whole Heart have I sought thee O Lord let me not wander from thy Commandments Thou art my Portion O Lord I have said I will keep thy Precepts for with them thou hast quickned me O how love I thy Law It is my Meditation all the Day How sweet is thy Word to my Taste yea sweeter than Honey to my Mouth therefore I love thy Commandments above Gold yea above fine Gold Thus was my Heart filled with Joy and my Mouth with Praise and tho' my Dwelling was on Earth yet my Conversation was in Heaven I looked upon all things here below with an indifferent eye I could in some measure say with Paul None of these things move me neither count I my Life dear to my self so I may finish my Course with Joy I was then able to make a spiritual Use of every Providence and of every Mercy and of every thing I met with I found the assistance of the Holy Spirit to perform spiritual Duties in a spiritual manner and helping and directing me to some Duties which I never knew to be my Duty And tho' I cannot say I was wholly free from Temptation yet I can say whenever Satan began to set upon me I was enabled to see that it
Righteousness is more satisfactory and pleasing unto God than all the Sinners Wickedness is injurious and displeasing to him O this is a very sweet and comfortable Consideration indeed There is no such Evil in Sin to damn thee as there is Merit in Christ's Blood to save thee IX To despair of Mercy is a greater Sin than all thy other Sins This makes thee like the Devil himself It is the Glory of Divine Grace to triumph over all the Sinner's Unworthiness Resolve therefore I will yet follow God tho' I have offended him come on me what will I know he is God and not Man who can help nay will help if I come unto him Isa 57. 16. I will not contend for ever nor be always wroth for the Spirit would fail before me and the Souls that I have made Isa 41. 17. When the poor and needy seek water and there is none and their tongue faileth for thirst I the Lord will hear them I the God of Israel will not forsake them When it comes to failing fainting sinking dying then comes help Be much in Prayer and hold on waiting God may make you seek and wait a long time aye but he will certainly come and that will make amends for all X. How shall one be willing to die that hath not a sense of God's Love I answer when we can see our Love to God tho' we cannot see God's Love to us What are the Actings of our Soul towards God when we can see no Love in his Dispensations towards us As that good Man under great Afflictions and Dissatisfaction about the Love of God at last breaks out If I did not love God why do I follow him and mourn after him If thou lovest God here is ground of Comfort thou couldst not love God if he did not first love thee It was a memorable Answer of Mr. Dod to a godly Minister that said to him a little before his Death What will you say to me who am going out of the World and can find no Comfort He replied What will you say to our Saviour that was going out of the World and found no Comfort but he cried out My God my God still This Speech much refreshed that godly Minister Others of God's Children have wanted sensible Comfort at their Death yet they have been able to act Faith and to say My God my God still Tho' God's sensible Presence is not still the same yet his Word and Promise is he speaks as comfortably in his Word as ever he cannot deny his own Word God sometimes withdraws Comfort that we may prize his Word more and depend more upon that You please and honour God most when you can venture your Souls on his bare Word and Promise A Faith of Recumbency on Christ in the want of Comfort doth more honour God than the highest Faith of Assurance Why should Death be a Terror to them that fear God none need to fear Death that are escaped from the Dominion of Sin and the Devil Can you say you do not love Christ and that you do love Sin then there is cause enough for fear but this were to bely the blessed Spirit The godly hath hope in his Death A hope of Life even at the Point of Death A godly Man's hope can never fail him he may want sensible Comfort but he doth hope still Death 't is a going to God and shall a godly Man be afraid of going to his God Again it is a Sleep a Rest are weary Men afraid of rheir Rest and of going to sleep If Death be an Enemy 't is a slain Enemy Christ hath been the Death of Death And why should that have Terror in it that hath no Life in it A godly Man is a real Gainer by Death He gains more by his Death than ever he got all his Life long viz. Happiness and Joy that shall never end Again tho' Death separates Relations here yet Death can never separate the godly Man's Soul and Body from Christ Both still continue united unto Christ They sleep in Jesus God is still their God and therefore let not the Saints of God be afraid of Death XI Psal 147. 11. The Lord taketh pleasure in them that fear him in them that hope in his mercy Then our Prayers please God when they are put up to him in Faith and hope of his Mercy Poor trembling Souls that meditute nothing but Terror little think how it would please God to see them to hope in his Mercy They are conscious to themselves how they have displeased God but hope in God's Mercy and he will take pleasure in thee They bring most Honour to God that are most admiring and magnifying of his Mercy His Heart is most set on Mercy in all the Manifestations of it Therefore let poor drooping Souls still maintain hope in the Mercy of God through Christ XII This is certain in every afflictive Providence to Believers there is more Mercy than Wrath nay 't is all Mercy in the Issue and not in revengeful Wrath but paternal Anger They have Supports under all sometimes they may be under desertion and no comforts of God come into their Souls they are ready to say Lord why casteth thou off my Soul But then they have this to support them they can love God and mourn after his Favour tho' he seems to be gone from them they can look after him and long for his Return and this is such an effect of Grace that is more worth than the whole World Sustentation saith Mr. Baines I thank God I have tho' Suavities I have none Sickness and Sorrow and Death that are the Fruits of Sin none can be exempted from but Grace doth this for Believers The Curse the Hurt the Venom of all is taken away they are Gainers by all 2 Cor. 4. 16. Tho' our outward man c. All works for their good Others have Comforts with a Curse but Believers have Crosses with a Blessing The Guilt of Sin the Grace of God in Christ doth quite take away from all Believers Heb. 8. 12. Pardoning Mercy clears the Soul of Guilt What Comfort is this to such that by the Grace of Justification through Christ they are in God's account righteous And upon the account of Christ their Righteousness they may come into God's Presence with as assured Welcome as Adam in Paradise or the Angels now in Heaven This thou may'st be assured of that Christ will not break the bruised Reed nor quench the smoaking Flax. Tho' thy Faith be so small that it yields not Light to others nor Heat to thy own Heart yet Christ discerns and accepts it But can a Man have the Exercise of Grace and not know it fear God and not discern it I answer Yes some Graces may then be acted and discerned by others as well as at any other time He may fear God as truly and as much as ever and yet his Grace may not have Light to discover it self to him It may have a Being and working in the Heart when it 's not clear in thy Apprehension XIII Hearken unto the Voice of God O poor doubting disconsolate Sinner Why dost thou pass Sentence against thy self Thou say'st O my Sins are very many Well but the Mercies of God are far more O but my Sins are very great True but the Meroies of God are far greater O but my Sins are of long continuance True but yet thy Sins are but Sins of Time his Mercies are the Mercies of Eternity O but my Sins are greater than you are aware of they are Crimson Scarlet Sins How great are they Are they as great as the Sins of Manasseh that was a Wizard that filled Jerusalem with Blood yet God pardoned him Are they greater than the Sins of Mary Magdalen out of whom were cast seven Devils and yet God had Mercy for her O but I fear the Stock of Mercy is quite spent No his Mercy endures for ever it is from everlasting to everlasting But I have exceedingly abused Mercy yet remember that tho thou hast sinn'd against his Mercy yet thou hast not sinned above his Mercy Isa 55. 8. My thoughts are not as your thoughts nor my ways as your ways as the heavens are above the earth so are my thoughts above your thoughts and my ways above your ways FINIS * My Honoured Friend Mr. Joshua Gearing Sen.
Portions of Scripture by Heart and so he brought them to delight in it With what Solicitude and Care and unwearied Pains with what Compassion and Pity and hearty Affection he endeavoured the Conversion of some and the Recovery of others related to him from their Declensions in Religion I and several others can testifie His Piety was uniform equal and harmonious and all of a piece and therefore his ordinary Converse was grave and serious edifying and useful his Discourse becoming a Christian that was under the Eye and Awe of God and in the Fear of the Lord all the Day long He was always ready to begin or promote such Discourse and greatly lamented that when good People meet together they have so little Talk of Spiritual and Religious Matters I wish for my own sake I had spent more time with him upon this Account for he desired it not on any other He valued not Visits of Ceremony and Complement no not of Ministers or any others that would not help him as a Christian I trust his Memory will be a living Sermon to me and to many others that knew him In his Trade he had many and great Disappointments and Losses and yet bore them with admirable Patience He thanked God that he was carried through them with so much Calmness and Satisfaction that he could always speak good of God tho' hardly any that trade for more have been known to have lost so much He would not buy or sell without lifting up his Heart to God for Direction And as an Argument of his tender Conscience I have been informed by one who must needs know the Truth of it that he would not let his Silk lie on the damper side of the Warehouse lest it should thereby encrease in Weight and so wrong the Buyer He walked with God in his Calling so regularly as a Christian that I am perswaded he enjoyed more of God in his Shop and Ware-house in his Trade and Business than many of us do in our Retirements for Prayer and Devotion For let him come when he would from his Secular Affairs his Mind was more Spiritual and Heavenly than most ordinary Christians are when they come from the solemn Exercises of Religion In short his Principles his Thoughts his Inclinations his Affections and Actions his Carriage and Converse in the Whole of them was such as might be truly called a walking with God He was ready to do Good to all his Acquaintance by Counsel and Reproof by seasonable Instruction and Admonition whereof divers now living must needs be sensible and some of them I hope do thank God for his Freedom in that kind His Charity to the Poor was answerable to the rest according to his Ability Many a poor Family of Country Ministers and Ministers Widows in City and Country will feel that he is dead For what he could not do of himself he would endeavour to procure of others for the Relief of such whose Necessities he knew He never neglected a Monthly Opportunity of coming to the Lord's Table tho' he hath often complained to me that he had not ordinarily any sensible ravishing Joy however Careful and Strict he was in his Preparations before as well as Devout and Reverent when he came But he durst not stay away He came humbly to pay Homage to a Crucified Saviour and to avow to all the World that he gloried only in the Cross of Christ and was resolved to be found in the way of his Duty Now it would be expected that One so Exemplary so Circumspect so much above this World One so useful upon Earth and so ripe for Heaven should have lived in the most raised Consolations and the most joyful Transports as if he had been already almost in Heaven or just come from thence Surely will some say such an one as He must have the Earnest the Seal the Fore-tastes of Glory beyond his Brethren he must needs walk on the Top of Pisgah in the Light of God's Countenance in the sight of the Heavenly Canaan and be past the Fears and Doubts and Complaints of other Trembling Christians But God did not think this fit for him in the latter part of his Life Nevertheless he had that which was equivalent or better than the highest Flights of Assurance can be For under his Complaints of Doubts and Deadness and want of sensible Communion with God he had a most steady Trust in God through Jesus Christ and an uniform Obedience And as he has been often told his Doubts seemed to proceed from the Height of his Grace rather than the Weakness of it For such was his extraordinary Love to God that he never thought he could have Evidence enough of the Divine Presence and Favour tho' that was mixed with some Error of Judgment as expecting more than God hath promised in that kind and as arguing from such Arbitrary Dispensations of God unto such Conclusions as cannot justly be drawn from the Enjoyment or the Want of these Things For certainly his Judicious Love to God his inward Esteem of Holiness and Heaven his fixed Hatred and Abhorrence of Sin and his habitual Self-denial and Devotedness to God with constant Watchfulness and Care to please him and keep a Conscience void of Offence towards God and Man is a better Evidence of one beloved of God than the highest Transports can amount to Especially in his Case who under some Darkness and Fears was able yet to hold on his Way and his Work and to presevere with unshaken Stedfastness to the very last Tho' something also of his Natural Temper and Bodily Constitution ought to be considered to abate his Suspicion of himself upon the Account of his not having such raised sensible Consolations and Joys as some others Besides that his Humility in judging of himself and his earnest Desire of farther Communion with God made him overlook what he did enjoy even in this kind For often when he joined with others or when he prayed alone his Affections were more lively after having been Forty Years in Christ than most young Converts are the First Year However in this God was very gracious to him that tho' he feared the Devil might assault him at last he did not permit it But with a calm Submission and regular steady Trust and Hope in the Divine Mercy with Eyes and Hands and Heart lift up to Heaven he quietly departed this Life and is at Rest in the Bosom of Christ If I would pronounce a Blessing on his Family and surviving Relations upon his Wife and Children his Friends and Acquaintance that love and honour his Memory I know not how to do it by a more profitable Prayer than to beg of God that they may tread in his Steps and walk as he walked that his God may be their God that they may follow him as he was a Follower of Christ and so at last be more than Conquerors over the World and Sin and Death and him that hath the Power