out on others I am not moved nay those very Stories and sayings which have formerly inflamed me now are as sparks falling into the Sea warms not at all alas when I shall meet thee at the last day thy mercies they shall testifie against me when they shall witnesse my slieghtings of them my fruitlesnesse under them and unthankfulnesse for them What can I say Alas my poor soul we are undone but that day is not come yet one hour more the Lord it may be will give me Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Come into my poor soul for I am afraid to meet thee at the Tribunal of thy judgement If thou wert on the earth methinks I could go with confidence to thee that thou wouldest hear me but now thou art in heaven I cannot Blessed are they who have not seen and yet beleeve Lord I have received double for all my sinnes in respect of any profit or pleasure I have had by them I have had full measure prest down and running over but alas my vexation of spirit is more gall then all the pleasure that I have had that have been worldly the losse and want of the discoveries of thy love cannot be recompensed with all that the world hath thy loves are better then wine indeed in respect of the offence to thee every prayer deserves hell Meditat. XLV Lord I am as afraid of comforts as of terrours for when I have comforts I am subject to pride my self in them and in stead of having sweet thoughts of thee have high thoughts of my self Afflictions breed sorrow and comforts pride Sorrow is better then pride My preaching is my temptation and my accuser If I preach not the strictest waies of God my negligence condemns me and if I do my Sermons condemn me For my life is hell I am afraid of publishing something I have by the help of thy Spirit written lest my life should do more harm by scandal then the writings should do good by directing to holinesse and yet sometimes I think that if I publish and own such writings they would be a strong engagement to live more holily But I have something against that also for that Motive would in short time lose its strength Such waxen wings would melt and let me fall to my former waies and that holinesse which is born up with such carnal motives is a poor thing Lord how am I distracted and torn in peeces with these thoughts Nay Lord if thou wilt have me go with these burthens on my soul do whatever seems good in thine eyes If I may but drudge in thy house though I lie among the pots yet to be a skullion in thy house is better then to sit at the Table of Princes Lord I am undone except thou work a miracle of mercy yet if I am undone it may before thou givest me over and discoverest me to the world thou wilt let me do something more that may glorifie thee and edifie the people nay it may be thou maist suffer me as long as I live to do much of which thou maist have glory Lord if my heart be not upright yet O that my actions and my Preachings may be such that men seeing and hearing them may be stirred up to glorifie thee by doing those things sincerely which I it may be do out of hypocrisie I am sure too much hypocrisie Lord I have begged for such a heart as may not deceive me nor dishonour thee O my God What shall I do Nay Lord what wilt thou do I am undone unless thou dost work mightily above all I can speak or think according to that mighty power wherewith thou didst raise the Lord from the dead O that I might be so raised that I might return no more to corruption Meditat. XLVI By this I know and am sensible It is not for any man to live by his own strength by my knowing how impossible it is for a sick man to recover without thee If a living man cannot speak how can a condemned man live without thee If living bones cannot move how can dry bones live Lord thou meetest me not at duties thou speakest not to me there thou speakest to me in mercies and I answer not in judgements and I carry my self as a sleepy man that is unwilling to be awaked What wilt thou do with me Lord when I will neither speak to thee nor answer thee when thou speakest O the weaknesse of my graces and the power of thy mercies Those sinnes I have had a minde to commit thou hast taken from me the opportunity to commit It is a comfort to me that I had not opportunity but it would be a greater comfort not to have a minde An Instance according to the Rules given for meditating on the Scripture A Meditation on these words ISA. 66.2 But to this man will I look even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit and trembleth at my Word 1. LET us seriously consider O my Soul That if an Angel or God himself from Heaven had spoken these words in our hearing as once Christ did to Paul when he was going to Damascus surely I think they would have very much affected us Is the Word of God lesse his Word because it is written I reade that the Apostle 2 Pet. 1.17 18 19. speaking of a voice that he himself heard from Heaven saith that he had a more sure word of Prophecy that is as I conceive that he was no lesse sure that the words of the Prophets were the very words of God then those that he heard with his ears Then let us not be lesse affected with these words then if we our selves had heard God himself speak them 2. Nor let us think that they lesse concern us then if we had earnestly begged of God to tell us what he would have us to be and do and as an Answer of our praiers we had heard him speak to us from heaven in particular To this man will I look that is of a poor and contrite spirit and trembleth at my Word For doubtlesse God hath not caused his Word to be written in vain at a venture for whomsoever should reade it but knew not who they were should reade it but he knew every particular person to whose hand his Word should come and knew his Word should come to my hands and I should reade these very words and therefore caused them to be written in particular for my sake though not exclusively Christ died for all his people yet Paul saith that he loved me and gave himself for me and Christ did think particularly of Paul and so of every one else for whom he died and gave himself up as a Sacrifice and ransome particularly thinking on and intending every one that should be saved by his death If a Minister should go to one that is given to Swearing and tell him of the hainousnesse of that sin and lay it home to his conscience in private it generally doth affect him
thought of them hast thou such a full assurance or is thy life such that thou needest not fear Was not Moses and John as holy as thou Was not John the beloved Disciple and Moses one with whom God spake face to face and yet they trembled O my Soul it is much to be feared that it is ignorance and infidelity not a Gospel-assurance that makes thee so senceless nay it is infallibly certain that whosoever lives wickedly and trembles not at the thought of judgement it proceeds from a conscience seared with a hot Iron 2. Admire and be astonisht at the miserable condition of all those that live without God in the world such are all they that repent not and beleeve not the Gospel 3. Examine and try thy self O my soul Let us judge our selves that we be not judged We may easily know what Questions shall be put to us that day we must be judged by the Word of God then let us judge our selves by it now do we indeed strive to enter in at the straight gate May that which we do in the service of God be truly called striving or no Can a saint praier be called striving or no when every temptation at the first assault overcomes thee and thou fightest not a stroak Is this striving Is this to fight a good fight and resisting unto bloud Do we think that God at the day of judgement will avouch this striving nay can our own Conscience think it so now Be not deceived God is not mocked 4. Pray O blessed God thou that art the great and just Judge of all men be pleased to fit and prepare me for that that that day may not come so as a thief in the night as to rob me of all my comforts deal with me how it seems good in thy eyes afflict me chastise me only let me be saved in the day of the Lord. 5. O my Soul Let us truly consider what we are to do and how we are to live that when others at that day shall call to the hils and to the Mountains to fall upon them and to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb we may lift up our heads because our salvation draweth near Well O my soul I reade in the Word of God that the neglecting to judge our selves and the judging of others are two sinnes that will cause all those to be judged and condemned that live in them therefore I am resolved by the gracious assistance of the Spirit of God for the time to come never to censure or judge any one as I have done and frequently to examine my self and as frequently and severely to judge my self as formerly I have used to censure and judge others and to use as much lenity mildenesse in judging and censuring others as ever I did in censuring my own waies and if I doe speake ill of any one I will if I remember it when I am before the Throne of grace not only begge pardon of my sin in rash judging but as much as in me lies make him some restitution by putting up as many praiers for him as I have spoke evil things of him and let us further resolve of my soul and by thy blessed assistance O God I am resolved and do promise before thee for the time to come frequently and I beseech thee that I may alwaies do it before I do or speak any thing consider whether I dare own that action or that word at the day of judgement and if I dare not own it I will not dare to do or speak it and when at any time I think of omitting of any holy duty and think that such or such an excuse will serve I will bring it before the Judgement Seat of God by seriously considering with my self whether in my conscience I think that God will take that for a sufficient excuse at that great day For the Conclusion of this Exercise I referre you to the Conclusions of the former Meditations for I am loth that this Manuall should swell too much MEDITAT VI. Of Hell BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God Considerations 1. Consider O my soul the greatness of these torments certainly if God so heavily afflicts his own people as he did Job Heman and divers of his people who have been in dissertion many years How sad are the expressions of David he saith he roar'd for the disquietnesse of his soul And how many sad expressions has Job that he had not time to swallow his spittle and how that he chose rather a strangling then life and many other exceeding sad expressions which could never have proceeded from an holy man who is set before us as a pattern of patience if his afflictions had not been very great and Heman said that the terrors of the Lord were so great that he was almost distracted with them and so from his youth up untill that time that he writ that Psalm Psal 88. If this be done to the green tree what shall be done to the dry And if God chastise his people with such rods what scorpions shall the damned be scourged with and if the righteous have been thus afflicted tossed with tempests and not comforted where shall the wicked and ungodly appear what shall the portion of their cup be even the dregs of the vials of Gods wrath for upon the wicked he shall rain snares fire and brimstone and a horrible tempest 2. Consider what the sufferings of Christ were if we do truly and seriously consider how much those words signifie when our Saviour saith My soul is heavy to the death we shall be help'd to understand what our Saviours sorrows were If the wisest holiest and patientest man in the world who was not oppressed or distempered at all by reason of any bodily distemper of melancholy I say if such a man should come to an intimate bosome friend and with a sad countenance should tell him that he was even ready to die because of the abundance of grief and sadness that lay upon his spirit would not this argue that his sorrowes were exceeding great especially when his friend never heard him to complain in all his life though the injuries and sufferings had been very great all along If he should further say unto his friend I beseech you to watch with me surely it would argue an heart overwhelm'd with grief Now I say for our Saviour to say so to his Disciple and afterward to sweat bloud O what unknown sorrows did our Saviour feel How then is it possible for the wicked to escape when God spared not his own Sonne though he was but a surety and those sorrows that made him groan will crush thee to pieces Woe be to that man that is to satisfie the justice of God in his own person 3. Consider O my soul the sad aggravating concommitants of these torments every member and faculty both of body and soul shall be tormented here if our head akes may be our heart
Thine excellencies are too high for me Wisedome is too high for fools O that thou wouldst take me out of mine own hands and deliver me from my self and howsoever my heart is not importunate enough now I shall thank and praise thee to all Eternity if thou wilt make me thine Thou hast done as much to draw me with the cords of love even to wonder Lord do thou snatch me as a firebrand out of the fire if thou shouldst stay till I am willing without thy making me so I am lost For I shall never part with these painted vanities for all the glory in heaven except thou givest me the eye of faith to see it and a spiritual palat to rellish it Meditat. XXXVIII O Lord wilt thou let a poor sinner lie gasping out his last breath at thy feet and die in thine arms I have abundance of love for the world O that thou hadst it all I am sure I am not nor shall never be at quiet until thou hast it nor would I sleep until I am in thine arms of love My dearest God how comes it to passe that my heart cannot give it self to whom it will Had I a thousand worlds I would give all for thee that I might be thine O my soul why should we stand consulting and contriving what to do God is ten thousand times more then all things Why should we weight a Talent of Lead and a Feather together to see which is heaviest O Lord my soul hath chosen thee long ago I have abundance of experience of the truths of those things which I have beleeved I am thine and thou art my God Thou hast chosen me and I have chosen thee If I should be so vain at any time as to leave thee thou art the same and thy choice fails not Thou Lord which madst me chose thee whilest I had no experience of thy love wilt make me continue my choice Lord that any one should choose hell before thee It makes thee not to be lesse glorious Lord must my blasphemies praise thee I finde so much hell in my heart that it is not troubled in any proportionable measure that there is so much hell in it When I set apart an hour for Meditation and praier then I keep my heart somewhat close but at other times I am little careful to improve what I reade or heart to enflame my heart I had better not set an hour apart and give thee all the day by thinking alwaies of thee Lord I do now acknowledge for then I shall not but if thou shouldest leave me I should be too much given to blaspheme thee Nay blessed God let that never be Lord it shall never be When I consider the desperate hypocrisie of my heart I may every morning expect that thou shouldst give me up to a reprobate sense to commit sinne with greedinesse When I think of these things I pour out my soul within me to think with my self I shall lose my estate a little troubles me to think I shall lose such a friend it affects me more but to think I shall lose my God and become an Apostate that 's a hell unto me I have begged of thee as for my life that thou wouldst not leave me and now I beg O forsake me not utterly To have such a heart that will neither inflame my words nor be inflamed by them is that which hath not been so Lord except thou wilt follow one that will not stay when thou callest and overtake one that runs from thee when thou followest I am lost Well though I am sure my froward and carelesse carriage will justifie thy justice if thou condemn me and magnifie thy mercy if thou savest me Meditat. XXXIX Lord this day is thine own and by being thine is more mine I must now burn without coals about me The time hath been when if I had been cold and dull the Society expressions and examples of others in daies set apart to thee would have enflamed me Now the company I have is water and snow Woe is me that I am constrained to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar and yet Lord thou art never wanting Thou sendest forth thy beams of light and heat if I bring not clouds over mine own head I may have enough light from thee Lord when will these daies of sin be ended and the time of refreshing from the presence of the Lord come I come into thy presence but when I am come I am silent and deaf neither able to speak to thee nor hear the sweet whisperings of thy Spirit O that I had a heart to give my self unto thee or that thou wouldest take these poor longings of my soul for a gift and thereupon take possession of my soul My daies of leaping for joy to think of thee are gone and now my daies of sorrow to see mine own vilenesse are come My tears are now my meat and drink O that I had more of them so they were more spirituall I am a poor creature but thou art the rich God My poor heart why dost thou not speak art thou silent what saist thou Is not God a good God what rellish or sweetnesse is there in these words if thou dost not set to thy seal Lord to thy glory though not to my comfort be it spoken Thou hast been a good God to me but I have no comfort from this truth if I never rellish it yet if mine heart will be so wicked as not to acknowledge it yet my hand shall write that which shall witnesse for my God against my self Thou art good patient and mercifull unto me enough to make earth and heaven to wonder at thy goodnesse and my vilenesse ah my God my God must my words go beyond my thoughts of love to thee Lord thou art enough for heaven enough for thy self and art thou not enough for me Try O my Soul try thou wilt never trust before thou knowest this by experience thou knowest abundantly that the creature hath told thee It is not in me this thou knowest by experience and by faith thou knowest it is in God Well then lay all thy weight and strength upon him and none upon the creature Hold upon him with both hands or else thou wilt attribute the greatest failing unto God For as he that stands upon never so strong a place if he lean against a rotten wall he shall fall and one that is asleep when he fals will not know whether fail'd him and so if we do but leave to our own wisedom we shall haply think that God fails Lord I wait I long for thine appearance Thou art enough Lord I know not what to say I am undone without thee Lord I hear the poor fly oh how it flies up and down Now it is warmed and revived with the warmth of the Sunne yesterday it lay still as dead surely Lord if thou wilt shine upon my soul I should be active and chearfull in thy service No marvell heaven
us yet worthy of thee that delightest to magnifie thy goodnesse that rejoycest over thy people as the Bridegroom rejoyceth over his Bride Despise the World What are the things of this world O my Soul what is there here to be desired but sinne and misery snares and temptations vanity of vanities and vexation of spirit one hours communion with God and the joys of the holy Ghost that he hath given to his people in this world are worth more then the world can know of Why do we spend our strength and money for that which is not bread and our labours for that which doth not satisfie O vain world God hath outbidden thee thou offerst trifles he offers me heaven for my love and service though my love be unworthy too little for him yet it is too much too good for thee 3. Long for and breathe after heaven As the Hart panteth after the water-brooks so panteth my soul after thee O God My soul thirsteth for God for the living God when shall I come and appear before God when shall I be delivered from my absence from thee and from mine ignorance of thee Make haste O my beloved and be thou like a Roe or a young Hart upon the mountains of Spices The Spirit saith Come and the Bride saith Come and the Bridegroom saith Surely I Come quickly even so come Lord Jesus come quickly 4. Encourage and stir up thy self to the love and service of God Come O my Soul Let us be stedfast and unmoveable alwaies abounding in the work of the Lord forasmuch as we know that our labour is not in vain in the Lord Let us not be weary of well doing nor of the labour of love for we shall reap if we faint not We have known and in some measure endeavoured to serve God thus many years were it not a sad thing for the want of continuing one year one moneth it may be but one week or one day more I should lose all my hopes and expectations of glory God forbid O my Soul Let us encourage our selves in the Lord we are not kept by our own but by the mighty power of God through faith to salvation and be thou assured of this that the first minute thou art in heaven thou shalt have such full measure pres't down heapt up and running over that thou shalt break forth in the Songs of joy and praise to all Eternity magnifying admiring and adoring God that ever he gave thee leave and grace to serve him then shalt thou see and so thy experience shall make thee confesse with joy and wonder that the light afflictions and labours of love that thou endurest in this life are not worthy to be compared to the joys that shall be revealed in thee When at any time thou beginnest to be weary look to the price of thine high calling and when thou comest to heaven thou shalt admire when thou seest how abundantly thou art over-recompensed and thou wilt have just cause to say Lord what is this that thou hast done for me alas what were the things that I either did or suffered in thy service what were my filthy rags that thou shouldest give me such a robe and Crown of glory O my Soul what if we do weep now the time is at hand when God will wipe all tears from our eyes O my Soul these things cannot be beleeved and slighted and understood and neglected If thou dost not beleeve them what is the reason Are they too glorious things for God to bestow upon such wretched sinners why dost thou set bounds to the goodness of God and say Hitherto thou shalt go and no further nay doubtlesse since God hath said that he will do that which shall glorifie his goodnesse to his people the incredibility of it makes it more credible but if thou art convinced of the truth why art thou not affected with the excellencies of these joys dost thou not rellish them well For the time to come I will meditate more of these things I will by giving to the poor lay up my treasures in heaven I will part with such and such vain delights for it I will spend more time and communion with God in praising admiring and adoring of him that if it be possible by frequent performing of these duties I may at last taste and rellish the incomprehensible sweetnesse of them that I may be enamoured more of heaven and because all my endeavours are in vain if the Lord reveals not these things unto me therefore I will beg of God that he will discover the riches of his goodnesse to me I have not been carefull enough nor sensible enough of sins of omission when I have had no just thing to take up my thoughts yet I have not thought of thee henceforth when my heart is affected with thy excellencies thy love thy mercies I will praise thee when it is not I will pray to thee that it may and for my Master-sinne mine iniquity I will be most frequent in those duties that are most contrary to it I will especially in my reading of Scripture take notice of and write down those places and those examples that are most proper for the cure I will speak against my iniquity that if it may be I may thereby the more engage my self to leave it MEDITAT VII Of the Excellencies of Christ 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Desire of him who onely can to manifest the Excellency of Christ unto thee Considrations 1. Consider that if the holiest man that ever lived lived near thee what high expectations wouldst thou have of his carriage and conference when thou sawest his zeal and patience c. But no man lived ever without sinne Therefore suppose an Angel should take upon him humane nature and live amongst us with what enflamed expressions and affections would he speak of God of Heaven and every thing that is spiritual But alas his carriage his holinesse his wisedom were as nothing in comparison of Christs For there was not any word or action that ever Christ spoke or did that if all the Angels of Heaven had studied and set down how it ought to have been done or they themselves should have been to have done it they could not have equalled it nay even God the Father had he taken our nature he would not have spoke or done any word or thing which should have had in respect of it self or any circumstance more holinesse or wisedom then Christs words and actions had so that certainly in this respect he that saw Christ saw the Father as he him self saith 2. Consider the wonderful wisedom of Christ Certtainly he was greater then Solomon For though he was the humblest man that ever lived yet he himself said so nor did it any more argue pride in Christ to say that he was wiser then Solomon then it would have argued in Solomon that he knew more then a new-born babe When his most most malicious
what we should do to overcome these enemies and sends many motions of the Spirit to bring into our souls grace to strengthen us We will not do what he adviseth us to do nay but we take part with our corruptions and resist and fight against the power of the world to come Oh thy patience is not to be understood I am weary to think before I go to prayer how little fruit I expect from them I pray and pray and weep and reade and hear and sigh and confesse these as well as other of my sins and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the present but they presently return to their former course Lord do not the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee to see me thy poor Servant in such a miserable condition as I am in Dost thou not see how sin and corruption do as it were lie gnawing upon me and eating up my very flesh and destroying my soul and I have neither hand nor foot to move against them Lord who is it that must make me hate corruption is it not thy Spirit Who must overcome my resisting of thy Spirit is it not thy Spirit Lord I do not know in the world what to do to leave off striving were not only to despair of thy goodnesse because thou dost not help as much and when I will and besides if I cannot get ground nay though notwithstanding I lose ground yet doubtlesse I shall not go so swiftly down stream as if I strove not at all if I must be forsaken by thee to all Eternity yet Lord let me not while I live so fall that I should be a scandal to Religion Alas Is it come to this O my soul that I must say If God will forsake me for ever Meditat. VI. In the most serious addresses of my soul to take hold upon God I finde an unhappy frozennesse benumme the best of my devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extremely ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse senselesse of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am gulity of but specially because such duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not foften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled then before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy fatherly goodnesse I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely murmure and be weary of the chastisement of the Lord It may be I shall pray for the taking off of that corrasive before it hath eaten away that deadnesse of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yeeld to such praiers go on with thy cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption we shall blesse thee one day for not hearing and not granting such praiers as shall be for our spirituall harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no root of bitternesse in me If I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. VII Since our dear Lord Jesus Christ hath loved me and given himself for me oh that my heart was ravisht with his love oh that he was the beloved of my soul and that I were sick of his love who died for the love of me Oh that I could not be staied but with his flaggons This my Jesus the chiefest of ten thousand hath told me that he that saw thee saw the Father whereby I understand that thou art just as he was as pitifull as gracious as willing to forgive as sweet and as easie to be entreated as my good Saviour and in all the things and passages that thy Word hath made known to us of him I reade not of one of all that came to him not one poor soul that ever beg'd any grace or any pardon nor never did any come to be healed of any bodily disease in vain Lord thou art as he was Lord Jesus thou art as thou wast thy being in heaven makes thee not lesse like thy Father or thy self Blessed God I do beseech thee I do beseech thee to give me to give me thy poor hard-hearted Servant a soft heart Lord Jesus I beseech thee thou seest mine hard my poor heart desire as imperfectly as coldly to make Intercession for me me for whom thou hast paid a dear price as one that hath been so long from his Friend that he can hardly call to remembrance what countenance he hath So I poor I that cannot chuse but pity the sad condition of mine own heart which though it doth not uncessantly and importunately desire grace as it should yet methinks it is a sad thing to see it in such a carelesse temper I am such a stranger to thee that I have much a do to make one thought of thy sweet love and excellencies that may affect my heart and bring the sweet apprehensions of thee to remembrance Thy tender mercies and former relishes of thy goodness are to me like the shadow of death they are as Christ walking upon the waters they terrifie me Lord let me weep thee to me again Oh my God I am undone undone undone a poor undone creature Those in desertion are in a thousand times better condition then I am they want the comforts but then indeed they have the graces of the Spirit but is not my poor soul that wants both in a sad condition that can sit down and fall asleep when I should seek my Saviour I have a soul of such a temper as makes me wonder at my self as in the Spring and sometimes there will come a cloud that will seem to overspread the Heavens and yet on the sudden all will be blown over and the day so fair that there will not be a cloud to be seen So am I sometimes my heart is full of sorrow and mine eyes full of tears and yet upon the suddain my heart loseth that sweet sad temper and all is blown over and not a cloud appears and these clouds of grief are not dispersed with the comforts and joys of thy
Spirit but with worldly businesse or company when I do grieve for my sins carnal grief bears a share in it and carnal joy abolisheth it Meditat. VIII To confesse my sinnes without any sense of them without any hatred of them to pray for grace and not to be sensible of the necessity or excellency of it to come to thine Ordinances without reaping any good from them to think and meditate of thee and neither admire nor love thee nor long and delight to be in thy company to what purpose are these things thou desirest of us our hearts and not our works words or thoughts without that Ah my Lord and my God shall all be in vain and wilt thou cast me off for ever Dost thou hate my soul and am I an abomination unto thee Must I be shut out for ever and never enjoy the sweetnesse of thy presence Thou wilt not O my God thou wilt not thou canst not O my God thou canst not for thou hast made a Covenant with me and I claim that Covenant for I have not any thing in the world besides thy Covenant in the Lord Jesus Christ that I can so much as have the least hope that will do me any good If the Lord Jesus Christ did not sit at thy right hand to make Intercession for me my sins continually daily hourly clamoring against me and accusing of me must needs prevail against me Alas my heart is far from that spiritual frame that thou requirest for the miseries that sinne brings are more troublesome and heavy to me then the filthiness that is in sinne Thy blessings are more lovely in our eyes then thy self Every duty hardens me in my formality Lord thou art the Father of mercies oh have mercy upon me for my case is not the common case of thy people but few few of many may be found whose soul is like my poor soul for where is there any that can say so and yet be so little affected as I am Meditat. IX Mine hopes are false and my fears are true the deadliest poysons do not make me sick nor the excellentest cordials do not comfort me I am not sick of sinne nor doth the Sacrament of the body and bloud of Christ fill me with joy nay rather doth it not fill me with griefs and fears If my sears and griefs were not carnall would they were more but my carnall joys eat out my spirituall grief and my joys also I am as it were like Absalom I hang between heaven and earth I would fain have heaven and yet would not part with earth Oh my Lord Jesus Christ art thou of no more excellency in mine eyes Doth thy love to me raise up no more love in me then to stand deliberating what to do when thou standest with stretched out arms to receive me to thy bosome Canst thou love one that loves thee so little as I do Thou didst love me when I loved thee not at all Why sittest thou so sad O my soul Go cast thy self into the armes and bosome of the Lord Jesus Christ there lie and hear the beatings of his heart toward thee and it may be thou maist be warmed with the heat of his love Christ pours out the boyling streams of his heart-bloud upon thy poor soul for his heart boyled in love towards thee and can thine heart still be frozen Oh Infidelity thou art the poyson of my soul thou with thy cold blasts hast frozen mine heart and keepst it so Lord give me faith or else all thy mercies are in vain Thy love is and hath been too great for me to beleeve Lord thou that lovest me so much as to give me Christ oh love me so much as to give me faith to beleeve it There remains in mine heart no more then the first spark of thy love and the first principle of grace that thou didst put into my soul when thou didst regenerate me All the flames are gone out that were once kindled in me All the fruit and leaves and boughs are stript from me there are all things to do beside bare regeneration I am as an arm cut off so that it hangs only by a little skin a slender thread Lord this is my hope that my corruptions and Satan that have quenched these flames that I have had shall never be able to quench this spark But alas that is a poor comfort that this is all my comfort that I shall not lose heaven though it be a thousand times too great a comfort for such a wretched sinner as I am to have Is it nothing to lose all my comforts all my duties all my sweet communion with thee or at least only so much of these remains as to keep me from being utterly cast off For one that had fared deliciously every day to come to have no more bread then to keep life and soul together though he dies not yet he hath a miserable life Thus thus and far worse it is with me Meditat. X. If I stood clear before thee O my God of those many sins of sencelesnesse under judgements fruitlesnesse under Ordinances mispending of time want of watchfulnesse of mien own waies and for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ Only my sinnes of unkindenesse to the Lord Jesus Christ were enough to cause thee to take away thy mercies from me I have heard and read the great mystery of my Redemption of his being scourged and crowned and nailed of his bleeding and dying for me of his great love and such things that if a Friend of this world had done or suffered the thousandth part so much his memory would have been precious Meditat. XI Ah my dear God thou hast been my God and therefore thou art my God how little can my soul know by any thing that I now either do or feel I am fain to fetch evidences and signs from actions done many years since My Praiers and other holy duties were matter of more joy when I did them then now they have terrour in them Now I think I do them not as heretofore I have been assisted by thy grace oh my lost joys and my lost duties where I shall finde you I know not the joys I had formerly and the great zeal of mine heart made me pray but now not out of feeling and zeal but for zeal and joy and I go from praier with a sad heart and an hard heart My praiers come neither from my heart nor reach to my heart Oh my Lord Jesus Christ where are thy motions and the joys of thy Spirit to work thine own work in me why do I walk in this valley of tears not only without comfort but without grace I do even stand astonisht at my self to see the vast difference between my self now and when I was thine When the Candle of the Almighty shone upon my soul and the Spirit of my God dwelt in me then sorrow and weeping flew away Alas I now have scarce any thing left me but
nay Lord though this temptation be such an unwelcome guest and I am too weary of it yet so thou wilt give me grace to overcome my impatience I am content Lord as much as I can but alas my God to have Satan my companion in stead of my God I hope will never be pleasing to me Meditat. XVI Lord what my vain heart thinks of thee it matters not except it be to discover the wretchednesse of it thou hast more glorious creatures to praise thee my praises and my thoughts of thee are so low and so unworthy of thee that thou mightest forbid me as thou didst the devils to confesse thee or to say any thing of thee My dear God if a world would buy it for one such sight of thee as might so ravish my soul that I might never more see any beauty or taste any sweetnesse in any thing but in thee that I might see thee with open face that I might be transformed into thine image from glory to glory Lord thou art still beyond me the higher my thoughts are of thee the more thou art beyond me and above me When my thoughts are best my thoughts are lost in the meditation of thee as the stone that is thrown into the calm Sea makes greater and greater circles but can never reach the shoar Lord I am content I may be lost in my self so I may finde thee Lord though there were none but thou and I in the world I had enough nay though there were none but thou and I in heaven I had enough Though I have nothing to say to thee but what I have said a thousand times Thou art my God my Saviour my all thou art he whom my soul loveth yet though I have nothing else to say nor can say there is any new rellish yet I delight to be alone with thee nay though thou saist nothing to my poor soul but what I have heard from thee yet let me still be in thy company I had rather weep and mourn for mine offending thee then enjoy all delights in the world Those salt waters are more precious then their wine Meditat. XVII Lord I beseech thee to order all mine affairs by thy wisedom thou knowest what afflictions are needfull for me I mnrmure oftentimes when thou afflictest me although I have again and again desired thee to direct all things that belong unto me but blessed God let not my murmurings so provoke thee as to leave me to mine own self Give me not what I desire but what I want my judgement in judging what is good or bad for me is little worth for many times I have judged such a thing to be for my hurt yet it hath proved much for my good and so on the contrary but then I have by experience found it evidently for my good when I have yeelded my self wholly to be guided by thee all things Lord make me know my self I am a poor creature with tears in mine eyes and hypocrisie in my heart Meditat. XVIII Lord It fares with me as it sares with one that hath been a long time from his friend he hath many things to tell him of severall particulars that befell him since their last being together so Lord I have been a stranger to thee and I have much to say to thee much have I suffered from mine own corruptions and little have I done I have a heart will let me do nothing for thee Lord I am but a childe pardon my bablings I have none to make my complaint to no not one Thou hast caused me to live in Mesech and to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar and if thou Lord wilt supply the want of those Christian friends I am now deprived of Lord my heart is so deceitfull that I have much ado to know whether I ever was or am yet thine I know Lord how I have spent daies sometimes whole weeks together in prayer and meditation and reading devotionary Books to prepare my self for the Communion and yet then I had grosse failings for there was a world of covetousnesse in me and thirsting after humane learning exceedingly and little prizing the knowledge of Christ in my Sermons I did little aim at thy glory but to preach my self Now in these things I finde some healings but my duties are fewer and now there is far more wanting in comparison of what I should be then was then of what I am now Nay Lord thou only knowest I shall be a gainer but alas If I now I am alone shall have no more fire of thy love then I had when I lived in the midst of glowing coals of devotion how can I but go out now since I had much ado to burn then When I think of serving thee then my heart is so perverse as to put in a carnall motive and saith If thou dost so then God will blesse thee in such or such a temporall blessing and my heart closeth with that motive Meditat. XIX O my God as thou art my Father so let me know that thy love to me being known by me may put wheels to my obedience that now goes so heavily and that it may make mine obedience more pure that now is so full of insufficiency I am fain to be glad almost of any motive to make me serve thee but yet it is my burthen that fear should make me do that which love should make me do for besides that such obedience is painfull that which is worse it is impure also Alas I am a stranger too much unto thee and in being so an enemy to my self Lord this is the first day I have given thee this long while it doth appear that it is so by the poor and weak duties I perform My poor soul is like a poor desolate Widdow that hath lost her dear Husband every one tramples on her and oppresseth her Meditat. XX. Lord where are those sweet embraces and manifestations of thy love that thou hast bestowed on me in former times When I have gone unto the treasury of thy mercies and fetched any mercy from thence that I wanted Thou hast given unto my praiers my dear Brother who went forth a blasphemer or at least a common swearer and came home I seeking thee for him a convert after thou gavest me his life and the life of my Mother and indeed Lord what was it but I had of thee thou didst almost miraculously restore one of my Sisters to comfort But now when I cry and shout thou shuttest out my praiers and art almost as if I had never any acquaintance with thee Lord I know that the fault is mine own Indeed Lord I then was scarce ever from thee or out of thy thoughts For were I but as I have been so often kept daies of humbling before thee It could not be that my duties should be such as they are but Lord thou seest the tears these thoughts cause me to shed they are thine do thou encrease them but take away
this dulnesse and deadnesse of heart that is the just reason why I shed them and if thou shalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love I shall shed more tears for my wandring thoughts in praier then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of Alas Lord the ordinary daies of thy Saints are farre more holy then the daies I set apart for speciall service of thee And their thoughts in the midst of their worldly businesses are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers were alwaies with thee I scarce did any thing though almost of never so small moment but the reason why I did it this or that way was because it was some way or other more for thy glory Lord It is not thy fault for thou dost wait to shew mercy whether my wretched heart will consent to it or no This I do set down as an infallible trurh and let all the world give thee the glory of it All thy waies are holy just and good and thou dost stretch out thine arms to embrace us it is our fault that we do not run into thy bosome the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our bosomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us and so we not coming we want that experimentall knowledge of thee that would if we had it make us not so timorous of comng to thee as we are Meditat. XXI Before I begin to write I know I have more cause to write in bloud or tears then in ink Can a Mother forget her childe It is not Can a childe forget the Mother nor is it Can a Mother her childe if the childe forget her or Can there be any case wherein the Mother can forget her childe Lord do thoo awaken mine heart for it is asleep Lord do thou raise mine heart for it is dead Do thou thaw mine heart for it is frozen Lord thou art that celestial fire that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last I shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuffe of a candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stanch What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to say to my God Lord thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an adulterer defile a woman and she cry not out then she shall be put to death Lord infidelity hypocrisie and vain-glory are come to undoe me to defile my soul and they have almost perswaded my soul not to cry out to be ravisht is a great affliction but to embrace the adulterer is an abomination If I cry to men for succour if I go to Ordinances alas the adulterer is a strong man he hath locked the doors of my soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord doe not stand knocking at the door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor soul corruption and corruption and sin after sin will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas methinks I look upon my poor soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a wave and carries it with violence among the midst of the rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it is dasht in peeces and all fain to get upon broke peeces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be my soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a man astonisht and as a mighty man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewell all my duties farewell all my graces and all my comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my tongue Must I have no more comforts but what poor creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine own doctrine Lord I am a poor miserable man and a more miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these daies of ignorance and sin will not alwaies last when my change comes I shall no more sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the grave behinde me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a talent of lead upon my soul and hinder my flight come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me enough enough my soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joys sometimes I have to think of thee tears for my sinnes are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead man arraied with all the richest clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadnesse then there is comfort in the multitude of them this I know by experience that one looks upon hell upon whatsoever one looks but up-Christ yet Christ is not sweet unto me my dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetnesse I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetnesse of this Truth that all things are dross and dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is mine estate mine health mine life my liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in spirituall affections all my daies now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to humane learning it was wonderfull delightfull to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To reade the Mathematicks was wonderfull delightfull because they prove such strange things
not give so much grace as to make me through the abundance of it almost whether I will or no to serve thee yet to whom thou dost give so much grace as to desire more grace O let not this desire which is of thy own infusing be in vain if there be any thing in the whole world that I desire more then thy grace then let me want grace to desire it any more Lord if the reason why thou deniest my praier be because I do not desire as I ought I humbly beseech thee to grant that I may ask aright alas my afflictions lie heavier on me then ever they did and I am more wicked or at least lesse holy then ever since my conversion I was how little am I affected with any thing that belongs to thy service nor yet doth it affect me that I am not affected Lord if there were any in heaven or in earth that could help me besides thee then considering my manifold sinnes I should I but Lord I would not thy mercies are so great go to any other Now Lord now is the time to have mercy upon me I am like the man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho wounded naked and half dead I cannot call for help O let my wounds move thee to compassion If I cold bewail my sinful misery with tears of repentance I know thou wouldest deliver me but I cannot weep nay hardly mourn Oh faint faint is my grief and cold is my love What wilt thou do Lord with one that scarcely from his heart desires to serve thee alas what canst thou do for me more or lesse then to make me desire to serve thee Accept I must or for ever be lost What a low degree of goodnesse am I come unto a Soul full of sadnesse and empty of goodnesse To morrow Lord I am to receive thee into my soul thee my blessed Saviour Lord thou knowest I did not use to have a heart so empty of goodnesse when I expected thee to come next day Meditat. XXVI Lord now I do resolve to serve thee and in this particular especially I will not speak evil of any man what injury soever he both me Now I will so watch over my words that I will not offend with my tongue and that by degrees I may attain some perfection herein I here vow every week between this and the next communion to keep one day so strictly that I will not during that day speak so much as one idle word that day if I do I will give to the poor Lord how excellent is thy service so pure so sweet O that there were such a heart in me that I might for ever serve thee Meditat. XXVII When I reade the story of the Martyrs I do wish that I had lived in those daies that I might also die as they did or methinks I could now willingly lay down my life rather then yeeld to the abominable Idolatry and superstitions of the Sea of Rome but when I search and try my heart I much fear that the reason of this my desire is because I think it easier to lay down my life for Christs sake then for his sake to overcome my corruptions for it being but one act though it hath more pain yet being but of small continuance it is lesse trouble then all my life long to fight against sin and thus I do ill even in my best wishes in divers respects for I chose Martyrdome not because thereby I might more honour God but that I might the sooner and easier come to heaven And again that I think I might content my self though I did not so much hate corruption If I died a Martyr all would be well whereas Though I give my body to be burnt and have not charity it would profit me nothing and to love God it is impossible for him that doth not hate sinne and fight against his corruptions Alas O my soul how weary are we of our spiritual fight and we would fain finde some other way to heaven then by the continuance of it O that I were dead to the world and lived to God how vain is the world yet while we know something better we shall not think so We talk much of the vanity of the world but who beleeves that the world is vanity and vexation of spirit Or who is sensible of this truth Or if he were sensible of it and sometimes affected with it yet it soon vanisheth and we do not live accordingly How much easier is it to speak like an Angel then live like a Saint Meditat. XXVIII Lord that thou wouldst do it for me take my soul and my body what shall I do with them any longer I govern them so ill and indeed am so unable to govern them that they govern me Lord if thou shalt condemn me at the last day I do now justifie thee and testifie to all the world that thou art just though then if such a time shall come I shall blaspheme thee My dear God I have yet a spark of thy love I will not leave that small hold of thee for ten thousand worlds I know Lord there is no dallying with thee What if I spoke with the tongue and writ with the pen of men and Angels it is nothing Lord take a poor soul at his word Lord I am thine and do now give my self and ten thousand worlds if I had them to thee yet when thou dost take from me some poor part of my estate I murmure Alas I have a poor weak heart Meditat. XXIX Lord my knowledge of thee is but small and that which is is but little spirituall or experimentall To know thee by what others write and say of thee is sweet to them that can set their seal to it from their own experience Lord what is it that hath kept me so long from thee or kept thee so long from me I know I have been wanting to thee and to my self Lord take my heart I have too much love for any besides thee though I have too little for thee Oh how sweet are the thoughts of thee and would be sweeter if I thought oftner and longer and more attentively of thee Alas I am almost grown out of acquaintance with thee I do not perceive my corruptions in any thing more then in this that though to think of thee be a thing so easie and so profitable yet I think so seldome My dear God deliver me from the businesse of the world Suits of Law and such things they undoe me they take up my thoughts that I cannot be rid of them I feel upon me the curse which thou threatnest upon the people of Israel If they would not serve thee with joy they should serve strangers with a great deal of hardship I was well while I was with thee then I had my Songs in the night now my daies are turned into the shadow of death Lord draw me draw me make the cords of thy love stronger or rather then
I should perish make the cords of thine afflictions stronger and if I murmure scourge me while I leave murmuring How true do I finde that saying He that injures forgives not My wickednesse I have committed against thee makes me not able to beleeve almost that thou art or canst be reconciled unto me When I should do more for thee and lesse against thee I shall easilier beleeve thy loves or rather when thy spirit shall shed abroad thy love in my heart I shall know thou lovest me I sigh and mourn and weep over my poor soul but cannot help it Dear Lord Let my tears prevail with thee Pity Pity have Pity upon a poor languishing soul that is even gasping out its last breath It grieves me to see what a sad condition I am in I am not yet in hell and by thy mercy I may never come thither but I am running headlong thither Wo is me that I am constrained to live in Mesech and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar Meditat. XXX Lord I pray for mercies and when I have them to see the unsuitablenesse of my spirit to them and mine unthankfulnesse for them brings more sadnesse upon me then to want them All the things I begged of thee for temporall mercies both in carrying me forth and bringing me home and concerning my businesse I went about not finding things in such a sad condition at home yet my heart is the same still as hard and as stony not willing to yeeld it self and all up to thee as if I were more able to order matters then thou Now my heart is subject to murmure that it is so hard when it should mourn Lord thou hast done enough to justifie thy love and thy tender compassions to me if thou shouldest never do more and not only thy justice could not be blamed but not thy mercy My dear God let me not die in thine arms of love except I must die and then let me die in thine arms Meditat. XXXI Accept of my poor praiers and when at the last day when the secrets of all hearts shall be known the hypocrisie and coldness of my desires shall be known and thy goodnesse shall be admired in hearing such praiers as mine are For the light of thy countenance to shine upon and the breathings of thy Spirit to blow upon a garden of Spices is not so much for the advancement of thy free-grace as for thee to shine upon and thy Spirit to breathe upon such a dunghill as I am that sends forth such noisome savours as I do Lord if thou wilt be my God I have a body and a soul I will give thee them 'T is true they are thine already but alas if I had any thing to give that were not thine I would but I have not Meditat. XXXII Lord I wait to see the day of my salvation and the hour when thou wilt shew me thy loves and when I shall lie in thy bosome and arms and hear the beatings of thy heart in love and the soundings of thy bowels towards me and know thine everlasting thoughts of love to me when thou shalt seal the pardon of my sinnes to me and make me reade the counterpain of the Covenant of love between thee and me which thou reservest in heaven and is fair and not blotted as mine is and when shall the day of the love and joys of my espousals return and my thoughts be swallowed up in love Lord why shouldst thou withhold thy love the manifestations of thy love Can thy love love to be concealed from thy Beloved I will wait for the discoveries of thy love I am loth to do any thing before thou comest whom my soul loveth for fear thou shouldest come when I am not looking for thee and thou escapest me I look every praier to see thee come leaping on the mountains and skipping upon the hils as a Row or an Hinde But I see thee not why dost thou put a spark of love into my heart If thou wilt leave me why didst thou cast thy mantle upon me and when I follow after thee say what hast thou done thy loves are better then wine sweeter then honey even more to be desired then life it self Lord if the small sparks and relishes of thy love be so sweet to me what will the feeding on this heavenly manna be If a drop of thy love be so sweet what will the overflowings be If thy smiles bring so much joy what will thy embraces do Lord I long till I am undone with thy love All my carnall and worldly joys undone Lord it is not my unworthinesse that should hinder me nor will hinder thee from bestowing Lord help my unbelief Well Lord if I must walk in darknesse and see no light yet give me thy grace that I may stay my self upon thee my God my life is but short and when the hour of my departure shall come then I shall enjoy him whom my soul loveth and know as I am known then I shall forget the sorrows pains and throws of my travell for the joy that shall be revealed My Bride saith come and the Spirit saith Come Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Meditat. XXXIII I wait for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ if thy love be as fire in straw or such like matter lie smoaking and makes ones eyes weep while one strives to finde the fire At last it being able to hold no longer breaks forth into a great flame and the longer it is before it discovers it self the greater is the flame and light when they do break forth Lord whilest I am looking for thy love thou makest me weary let the length of thy stay be made up by the fulnesse of thy presence and greatnesse of thy manifestations when thou comest I seek thee in my praiers and I say O where art thou whom my soul loveth and yet thou sendest me away weeping and mourning I seek on my bed when I awake in the night but I finde thee not I speak with those which have found thee and they tell me nay I know it by thy Word that thou art near to every soul that seeks thee and when a poor soul cries thou wilt answer it then I multiply my praiers and call lowder and yet my praiers are as the winde that passeth away and returns no more O my Lord and my God thy love was strong enough to make thee suffer and thou didst die that thou mightest make known and commend thy love unto the Sonnes of men and now thou hast done all this to manifest thy love and wilt thou hide it from me Creature-love hath wrought strange things in me I have never been weary of their discourses and humane learning how hath it made me ravisht with some learned saying and if thou wouldest discover thy love and shed that abroad in my heart certainly it would work wonders For the Creatures flames of love are but as a blaze that straw makes but is
soon out it hath not substance enough to nourish and maintain what it begets For Creature-Excellencies are not strong enough to keep up the delight we take in them but thou Lord art love and thou art such a treasure of excellencies that the poor soul makes new discoveries of those treasures every day To all Eternity thou art enough to keep alive and in full strength all the love and joys and praises of Saints and Angels Lord thou art enough to answer thine own love but what am I that I should speak of thee thou art so glorious that I am afraid to speak of thee Meditat. XXXIV Lord I call and thou dost not answer I am even tired out if thou dost not support I sink under the burthen I long and look to see thy beauty but I cannot behold nor perceive one glimpse that thou art excellent I see by the eye of faith but thine excellencies do not affect me All my praiers are turned into this Lord shew me Christ and shew me him whom my soul loveth for I have heard of him and the fame of his excellencies have come unto me yet mine eyes have not seen him I think with my self Surely Christ manifesting himself and to be filled with all the fulnesse of God and to have a conversation in heaven must needs signifie more then ever I have experienced in my self For such poor things as I have found wrought in my soul cannot fill up those expressions Then I hear of those whose lives are spiritual and Christ-like not glorious in outward mortifications Thou art blamelesse that way speaking of such things which God hath wrought for them and in them which I have not found but are the very same things which are in my view and I follow after to attain but cannot Then from their relation of the Lords dealings with them I perceive that God did humble them more before he did discover himself unto them then ever he hath as yet humbled me so that I finde no rest day nor night in my spirit and yet though I am thus restlesse in seeking after something which I cannot know what it is I seek for I cannot discern any true sincere constant love to Christ He neither lets me know that he loves me nor that I love him so that I stand amazed and know not what to do and still by the help of God I will not cease to cry and call upon him for whom my soul I doubt not but would love if he discover his beauties and love unto me and work them on my heart I seek for one who I cannot tell who he is before I finde him then I shall know and shall tell to all who he is and set forth his excellencies though they shal as little understand me as I do them who declare the things that God hath wrought for them Meditat. XXXV There is not such an one in the world as I am that I know Publicans and harlots I justifie them I in the midst of means of Ordinances and mercies in the midst of the flames of love nay when thou laiedst on me that affliction that is now fresh bleeding in mine eyes or rather despised and forgotten I should have learnt obedience by things I suffered and I have done as if I were to learn to sinne by them Thou hast chastised me with rods and I have put the sting of sinne into them and have made them scorpions Thou sendest them for Antidotes and I have turned them into poyson Lord teach me what it is wherein thou art so offended to leave me thus Lord I beleeve thou hast pardoned me but small is my comfort when thou pardonest sinne but subduest it not Meditat. XXXVI Lord I do so evidently finde my self unable to judge of truths or to resist temptations that I almost nay altogether lie at the mercy of every temptation and to be carried about with the winde of every vain doctrine if thou dost not stand by me what should I tell thee the secret puddle of my heart I am weary of the stench and filthinesse of it there is not a prayer but they meet me at it and lie as a talent of lead upon me If mine heart were all on fire with thy love these things could not be I sometimes have thoughts rising in my heart that are wicked proud and foolish thoughts I begin to be offended that I begging for the manifestations of thy love yet have them not but those thoughts no sooner begin to arise but I consider What am I that thou shouldest give me thy loves and how can I expect the manifestations of thy love when I will not give thee my loves but let them run waste upon the creature How many times do I choose to do any thing rather then spend my time in Meditation and Prayer nay to do nothing and be idle For although thou lovest us first yet thou dost not usually discover thy thoughts of love to a soul before she hath made over her love and her felf unto thee then I think thou canst by the power of thy Spirit bring in my heart my soul and my love and that usually ere thou dost ravish the soul with the discoveries of thy love this I know and let all the world know it that whatsoever wicked thoughts arise in my weak heart which I cannot answer I know that all thy waies are holy just and good Lord what shall I give for the sheddings abroad of love in my heart that which should be given for it were it at the utmost parts of the world I could fetch it thence But Lord the price of it is already paid 't is near unto thee even at thy right hand O thou most High he hath paid for this mercy by his bloud long ago and my praiers thou requirest not as a price Lord fill me with these spiritual supplications that I may give thee no rest nor take any rest my self until I have found him whom my soul loveth Come Lord Jesus come quickly Meditat. XXXVII O Lord beat me and drive me with storms and tempests I am come unto thee like the Prodigall Son for all but that which most of all I should have a spiritual sorrow ragged and tatter'd and undone My sins and misery are like his not my sorrow For me to see my self languishing my graces daily grow weaker my love colder and even almost to be speechlesse in praier Alas the sorrow that I have is rather bewailing my misery then my sinne I know not what it is Lord but thou dost Sure I am my condition is sad and I am sad and my sadnesse is all the poor remains of comfort that I have and yet I no sooner begin to take any comfort in my grief but I perceive so much hypocrisie in my grief that the poor spark of comfort that I have is put out Alas tears of bloud were fitter for me then dry eyes O Lord must every trifle steal away my heart from thee
must thou much desire and endeavour for those things which no way further thee in this great businesse of knowing serving and following God but they are to be accounted superfluous and frivolous 2. Consider the folly and madnesse of those who live no otherwise then as if they had been created for no other end then to drink and eat and sleep and dance and game or to get riches and such like fooleries Certainly if these people were asked whether they did in their consciences think that God created them that they might spend their lives in dancing c. they could not say yes None can imagine that hath any understanding that at the day of judgement God will ask them why they did not dance more and game more and gain more riches 3. Consider seriously with thy self whether thou livest sutable to the end of thy Creation think with thy self that when that time which thou spendest in eating drinking sleeping recreation visits vanities is taken from thy life what a small pittance is left for God and for the works of thy particular calling nay thy sleeping eating drinking recreation should all be done some way or other to enable and fit thee the better for the service of God But alas how seldome is it that thou hast thought of fitting thy self for Gods service by eating drinking c. Nay how many times hast thou made thy self unfit for Gods service by such things Now before thou goest any further be fully convinced of these truths and if any scruple should remain which cannot though a man be but truly rationall argue and pray them away for though it may be some Objections may be too hard for thy arguments which notwithstanding seldome comes to passe since thy consideration must be of truths so plain evident and obvious which all grant yet no scruples will be too hard for thy praiers Affectione 1. Be ashamed and confounded within thy self that thou hast lived so contrary to thine own principles and that thou hast minded that little or nothing in doing of it as a thing by the bye which now thou dost but seriously think of it thou plainly seest to be the main businesse of thy life saying thus Alas O my God what did I think of when I thought not of thee What was I mindeful of when I forgot thee Alas O my Soul how comes it to passe that we thought of these things no sooner 'T is a strange thing that our hearts and the world should so far deceive us that we should prefer eveny trifling thing before that which concerns us more then ten thousand worlds We have served the world which was not made but to serve us 2. Abhor thy life past Well I am resolved to leave you ye vain and sinful pleasures I will no longer dote upon you you have but too long bewitcht my soul I might have had a thousand holy thoughts and praiers and treasures of almes laid up for Eternity which I am sure I should not have repented of when I come to die and you vanities have took up my time and stole away my heart and thoughts from these things Well I have enough of you I have done with you for the rest of my strength and daies I will give unto my God 3. Turn thy self to God and say Blessed God wilt thou accept of the service of a poor wretch that hath spent so much of his time and strength upon base lusts and vanities Nay surely Lord If thou wilt accept of such a wretch as I am such a heart such love such service as I have I will give to thee and for the time to come thou shalt be the very joy of my soul and the deliciousnesse of my thoughts and dost thou indeed entreat and importune me to be reconciled how wonderfull is thy mercy that notwithstanding I provok't thee hitherto daily to thy face yet that thou shouldest follow after me to embrace me whereas what could be expected but that thou shouldest pursue me to destroy me Resolutions Well by the blessing of God I am resolved that though heretofore I have spent whole daies in such and such like recreations which at best are but vanities for this moneth I will either not use such and such recreations at all or at least spend no more time any day in them then I do in praier and meditation and I hope one day the Lord will work in me such a heavenly frame of spirit that praier and meditation shall be in stead of a thousand recreations David was of that temper for he saith that he will go to God his exceeding joy and that the Law of God was dearer to him then thousands of gold or silver and that his heart was ready to break for the very desires and longings that he had after God O my Soul that will be a rare time when it shall be thus with us Why should David love God more then we He forgave David much but he hath forgiven us more well O my soul if thou wilt pray hard and follow hard after God thou little knowest what he will do for thee and the joys that he hath laid up for them that love him even in this world are unspeakable and glorious Conclusion 1. Pray Lord thou knowest the decitfulnesse of my heart the strength of my corruptions and the multitude of snares and temptations which encompasse me on every side especally when I am in worldly employments in company thou knowest how subject holy flames are to go out therefore be thou pleased by the holy breathings of thy Spirit to keep these holy fervours of love from being quencht 't is not the strength of my resolutions that can enable me to resist temptations if I am not kept by the mighty power of thee my God I am lost 2. Praise God blessed be thou O God for any heavenly motion or desire that hath been wrought in me thou might'st have suffered me as thou dost thousands I have provoked thee as much as they never to be convinced of or affected with these truths t is thy wonderful mercy that thou didst make me for such a blessed end as the enjoyment of thy self and much greater mercy that thou hast let me know so much but most of all that thou hast given me a heart to desire and endeavour after it Blesse the Lord O my Soul 3. Acknowledge thy failings alas Lord whatsoever is wrought in me that 's good had been farre greater but that I am green wood to the sparks of thy love Lord pardon the iniquity of my holy services My highest and most inflamed thoughts of thee are unworthy of thee it is well that I have thee to love whom I need not fear loving too much After the Meditation is ended 1. Think with thy self which of these truths or what passage of this Meditation did most warm thy heart and affect thee and fix it and treasure it up in thy thoughts keeping it as it were a nosegay in
the tongue of man can express or the heart of man conceive there is nothing that thou seest with thy eyes or hearest with thy ears or feelest with thy hand is more certainly true than this But alas because thou hast heard it so often and God of his infinite goodness and patience hath not made thee yet to feel the stroak of his justice and the misery due to sinne thou wilt not believe him though his threatnings be never so clearly set down and with much earnestness 5. Consider against what precious mercies what sweet love what blessed experience holy inspirations what abundance of means strong resolutions precious promises clear light c. thou hast sinn'd Affections 1. Pray to God to help to a further sence of the sinfullness of sinne Blessed God must all these considerations pass as a Serpent on a stone without making any impression upon my soul Lord give me an affecting knowledge of the sinfullness of sinne and not have such slight thoughts of sinne as I have had but grant that I may esteem of sinne as thou esteemest it 2. Talk with thine own soul about this matter O my soul are these considerations true or false if thou thinkest them false bring thy objection shew wherein the error lies which thou canst never do but if they be true as certainly they are how comes it to pass that we have made nothing of sinne 't is in vain for us to put off the sense of our sinnes untill it be too late 3. Be confounded and ashamed in the presence of God Alas O Lord my God as a thief is ashamed when he is taken or as a woman is ashamed when her adulteries are found out by her loving husband so and a thousand times more I desire to be confounded and ashamed in thy presence when I consider how abominable my life hath been and how that I have committed my abominations even in thy sight and provokt thee to thy face and had not thy patience and mercy been infinite thou couldst never have stood out against so many provocations I had been in hell roaring and blaspheming long before this day and then I had been past prayers and past mercies and past pardon What shall Isay unto thee O thou preserver of men to excuse my sinnes I cannot I have nothing but the multitude of thy tender compassions and thy free grace in Jesus Christ to flie unto Lord lay my sinnes home to me to humble me and to break my stony heart but lay them not to my charge to condemn me If thou hadst not in thy word promised forgiveness to sinners through Jesus Christ I could no more hope to obtain pardon than even the devils themselves Resolutions It is enough O my soul and too too much that we have been undoing our selves and provoking God thus long that we have as it were with all our power pull'd down the vengeance of God upon us and as it were kindling his wrath against us but he hath not suffered his whole displeasure to arise nor suffered us to perish though we would blessed be his Name that we have not committed the sinne against the holy Ghost which we certainly had done had he given us up to the strength of our own corruptions and to the power and malice of Satan to improve them to our destruction Is it true indeed that God saith Yet return and I will save thee doth he stand with stretcht out arms doth he indeed stand with stretcht out arms to imbrace us is it possible he should be so gracious to forgive such and so many sinnes and of such long continuance Well blessed be God we will go unto him and never offend him more We will hereafter whensoever we are tempted unto sinne say What sinne against such love such mercy such experiences offend that God that hath pardoned us that hath done such things for us and is not content with that but hath promised to do more I will not hereafter stand parlying with temptations but I will cry out unto God and say Lord help me for I suffer violence and in particular I am in some measure sensible that I pray not with that fervency and reverence as I ought to do for the time to come I shall by the blessing of God mend that I am too passionate well since God hath been so gracious as to forgive so many so great so grievous sinnes that mine own heart is not able to understand their vileness or number I will not hereafter be troubled when I hear my neigbour or underling or when I hear my fellow N. use such or such taunting words against me I will not be provoked by this or that despite or contemptuous trick that he or she doth use against me but rather I will endeavour to say or do such a thing to gain his good will and to pacifie his anger conceived against me for certainly his injuries are not comparable to my sinnes and yet God forgive me them there is a difference between I. N. and me I am resolved I will go to him and be reconciled this very day or if I cannot I will pray for him and speak well of him this very day if I have occasion to speak of him at all howsoever I will pray for him now Conclusion 1. Pray desire God that he would increase thy detestation of sin and that thou mightst as well hate sinne as leave sinne and that he would not let any spark that hath been kindled by his own Spirit go out in thee Say unto him Lord I do not beg riches I can go to heaven without them please thee without them but I beg of thee grace and strength against corruptions pardon of sinnes if thou deniest me these I am undone 2. Praise God Blessed be thy Name that my heart hath been in any measure affected with the hatred of sinne that I have in any measure known and considered the things that belong to my peace thou mightst have suffered me to drop into hell and never to have thought of it before I had been there but thou hast not dealt so with me 3. Acknowledge thine own unworthiness of so great patience as God hath exercised towards thee thine inability to think any of those good thoughts that thou hast had c. as is in the first Meditation After all think what passages most affected thee 2. Write down thy resolutions c. 3. Go unwillingly from the duty MEDITAT IV. Of Death 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray for his assistance Considerations 1. Canst thou not remember that thou wert by such an one when he died didst thou not see how his countenance failed his eye-strings broke how he grew weaker and weaker at last grew speechless how he throtl'd in the throat how his teeth grated how he sweated and strugled for life and at last gaspt and died consider that thus thou must do likewise how soon the Lord only knowes that thou
art well now is nothing that thou art young and strong now is nothing for how many are there that have been strong and well and as young as thou within a very few dayes after have been in their grave That thou must die is certain when where how none knows but he that made thee only this is true that generally men die sooner then they expect 2. Consider that there will be an end of the world as to thee thou must leave riches friends wife children houses lands and thine own body also Thy friends may stand weeping by but they cannot prolong thy life one minute 3. Consider that when thou comest to die it will certainly not repent thee that thou hast spent so much time in prayer so much in meditation so much in holy duties it was never known since the world began that any one did then say O that I had pray'd less though these holy duties now seem irksome and troublesome to thee doubtless then they shall bring more comfort to thee then all those riches and vanities in which thou hast spent so much time and took so much delight in These things are certain and infallible our understandings cannot O that our lives did not deny them Consider how that the dearest frinds thou hast in the world will hasten thy filthy carkass out of the doors they will scarce dare to stay with it alone but say as Abraham did Let me bury my dead out of my sight and then how seldom will they think or speak of thee or if they do what good will it do thee 5. Consider alas poor man whether will thy soul go then to hell or to heaven dost thou know to which doest thou not think thou shalt go that way which thou hast gone all thy life long if thou hast walkt in the wayes of hell how canst thou imagine that at the end of that journey thou shouldst arrive at heaven 6. Consider what good will all thy wealth all thy pleasures all thy vanities do thee at that day they will all vanish as doth the morning dew Alas who knowes not all these things and yet not one of a thousand consider and lay them to heart and to know these truth and live unsuitably to them doth but add to our folly and madness O that they were wise saith God that they would consider their latter end These serious considerations of our death and preparation for it is one of the chiefest points of wisedom in the world 7. Consider if thou miscarry in this great work of concernment viz. thy death thou art undone for ever If thou mightest live again and mend that errour which thou committedst in thy dying ill than there were some hope but it is appointed for all men once to die and but once Affections 1. Abhor sinne It is you and you only that can make that hour miserable unto me Alas O my Soul though we now have slight thoughts of such and such sinnes through the deceitfulnesse of Satan and our own hearts yet at that hour if we had a thousand worlds we would give them all for that which we have so little regarded while we live viz. that we had kept a strict Communion with God and watch over our own hearts 2. Despise the world O ye vanities and fooleries of the world why should I spend my time and strength in following after you What have ye done for me or what can you do when I shall stand most in need of comfort you will not only prove vanities but vexation of spirit Solomon hath tried you and he hath from his own experience and from the teachings of the Spirit hath told me that you are but vanity and all men when they come to die set their Seal to this Truth Shall I to mine own destruction yeeld to your enticements why should I not have the same opinion of you now as I certainly shall have when I come to die 3. Humble thy self before God and cast thy self into his arms of love beg wisedom of him every night I am a day nearer my grave then in the morning I am nearer to it but Lord make me fitter for my grave and when that hour shall come let it not come as a thief in the night to rob me of all my comforts and rather then that hour should not be an happy hour let my whole life be nothing but affliction and misery Alas Lord if thou deniest me this Petition what wilt thou give me Thou hast said O that they were wise that they would consider their latter end and I said Lord teach me so to number my daies that I may apply my heart to wisedom Resolutions O my Soul since things are thus let us not resist known truths shall we neglect these truths because they are plain if they are abstruce then we doubt them If they are plain shall we despise them Dost thou not know how soon thou shalt die then what have we to do that must be done before we die do it with all thy might for the night comes wherein no man works My children are not yet sufficiently instructed in the waies of God I will set apart half an hour in a day to instruct them for this moneth or give so much to the poor every time I misse there is such a neighbour or acquaintance who goes on in wicked waies and my words have so much power with him that I am confident if I do earnestly beg of God to blesse me in the work and take him privately and lay before him his danger and presse him to holinesse he may be wrought upon I have omitted it hitherto but I am resolved sometime within a week to take some opportunity to speak seriously and home unto him or give so much to the poor and so every week give so much to the poor until I have spoke with him c. And since it so much concerns me to be prepared for death I will every day make it one speciall clause of my praier to begge of God that he would fit me for that hour and I will lay up treasury in heaven by giving to the poor and make my self friends of this unrighteous Mammon that when I fail they may receive me into their habitations Conclusion 1. Pray Beg of God that he would encrease in thee strong spiritual apprehensions of death and that the thoughts of death might imbitter every unlawful pleasure to thee Say unto God Lord how few daies are between me and eternity whether of horrour or of glory I am not yet fully satisfied It is a sad thing that a thing of so great concernment I should be uncertain of O blessed God let this Meditation so work upon me that I may not cease to pray unto thee and to examine my self and use all holy means for the making of my calling and Election sure For very shortly I shall be past praying past examining for when thou shalt summon me out of this life then