appearing to our senses couldst notwithstanding hear and relieve our necessities I began therefore when yet a childe to pray unto thee my aid and refuge and then first inured my unskill'd tongue to the invocating of thy holy name and begged of thee though a little one with no little passion that thou wouldest save me from whipping at School And not only thou didst not hear me in that which was inflicted on me for my good but my elders also and even my parents far from wishing me any harm made a jest of those my stripes my then grievous and remediless evil Is there O Lord amongst thine any so great a soul and with so strong a passion adhering to thee Is there any I say who becomes not out of a senseless stupidity but by an inseparable union to thee so transported in his minde as that he can sport at racks and hooks and a thousand such tortures which all the world with so much fear deprecates of thee laughing at those who tremble at these in such a manner as our parents mocked at those torments which we children then suffered from our severe Masters For neither had we less horrour of these than others of greater torments nor importuned we thee less to escape them Though meanwhile we were peccant in writing or reading or conning our lessons less than was exacted of us Nor was this peccancy in us O Lord from want of memory or wit such as thou bestowest on that age but from an importunate lusting which we had after play and they revenged this fault in us who committed much what the same themselves But our Superiors equall toyes are named business and when boys-play is even the like yet these are seourged for it by their overpowring Master and in this miscarriage of things no body pitties the poor Children or them or both For who is he that weighing things well can justify my being beaten when I was a boy for playing at ball when by such play I was only hindred from a speedier attaining those vain arts in which I should play farr more unbeseemingly when I was Flder Nor did he by whom I was corrected meanwhile do any thing better himself who if worsted in any mean criticisme by his fellow-teacher was farr more racked with choler and envy then I was with the same when mastered in a match at ball by my Companions CHAP. X. And* love of Play with an aversion from his Book ANd yet I sinned O Lord God thou Ordainer and Creator of all things of nature and only not the Ordainer of sin O Lord my God I was too blame in doing then contrary to the will of my Parents and of those my Preceptors for I might have put that learning to good use to which they bred me with another purpose But my undutifulnesse arose not out of choice of something better but meerly out of a lust to play proudly aspiring to be a victor in my sports over those that played with me and to have my ears tickled with false applause that they might itch more hotly after it the same still-more and more perillous curiosity now beginning to sparkle through my wanton eyes toward the shews and playes of the more aged The Donors of which flourish afterward in so grand a reputation that almost all the spectators fore-wish the same honour one day to their little ones And yet they are well content they should be whipt if by such shews they are seduced from their study by which studies they desire their sons may one day arrive to present such shews Look upon these things O Lord with thy pitty and deliver us who now call upon thee and deliver them also who do not yet call upon thee that they also may call upon thee and thou maist deliver them CHAP. XI Of his * sicknesse and in it * his desiring Baptism for what reason upon hopes of his recovery deferred by his Mother FOr I had heard somewhat yet a childe of life eternal that was promised unto us by the humility of thy Son our Lord God descending hither because of our pride and I was already signed with the signe of his Cross and was seasoned with his †A custom in primitive times to put salt into the mouthes of the Catechumeni intimating a spiritual pre-seasoning of them for the reception of the grace of Baptisme see 3. l. Con. Carthag 5. can and being a symbol of incorruption See Ezek. 16.4 5. Mark 9.49 in latter times this ceremony was used to the newly baptized salt even from my mothers womb a woman who put much hope in thee And thou sawest O Lord I happening then to be pained at my stomack and suddenly seized with a violent Calenture near unto death thou sawest O my God for even then wast thou my Guardian with what passion of minde and with what faith I importuned the piety of my own mother and of our common mother thy Church for the Baptism of thy Christ my Lord and God And this much-perplexed mother of my flesh who now travailed far more dearly in the womb of her chast heart of the second birth of my eternal salvation by her faith in thee than before she had done of my temporal was taking care that with all speed I should be initiated and purged with the salutary †Eucharist as well as Baptism in those dayes given to Infants Sacraments confessing thee O Lord Jesus for remission of sins But that I had a suddain recovery upon which this my cleansing was for that time deferred although it could not be avoided but that if I lived longer I should be yet more defiled and so the guilt contracted from the renewed pollutions of sins after that holy lavatory would have become greater far and far more dangerous Thus then I believed in thee and she and the whole family excepting my Father who yet could not oversway in me the just power of my mothers piety to make me not believe in Christ as he at that time believed not in him For it was her holy endeavour that thou my God shouldest be my Father more than He and thou assistedst her herein to overcome her husband To whom in other things she though much better yielded all obedience because she was to yield all obedience to thee and this obedience to her husband was commanded by thee †Men baptized in their sickness were by the Canon prohibited sacred Orders because their Baptisme seemed necessitated For what reason O my God I would fain know was this my Baptism at that time delayed and whether for any my greater good were the reins of my sinning longer left loose upon me For if they were not then left loose whence is it that on every side we do still hear it said of such and such Let him alone let him do what he will for he is not yet baptized and yet concerning corporal sanity we say not Let him yet receive more wounds for he is not
unto thee He related therefore after what manner that most learned old man and most expert in al the Liberal sciences who had read digested and explained the works of so many Philosophers the Tutor to so many noble Senators that for a monument of his excellencies had erected his statue in the Forum Romanum which among the Citizens of this World is accounted a great honour having been even to that age a worshipper of Idols and a partaker of those Sacrilegious devotions to which most of the Roman Nobility were so zealously addicted that they now worshiped and numbred amongst their Gâ—ds Barking †An Egyptian God worshipped in the shape of a Dog Anubis and those other monstrous blood of Deities which once were enemies to the Roman State and which took up armes against Neptune and Venus and Minerva her Protectors Rome now supplicating and serving those deities also whom she had conquered of all which aged Victorinus had for so many years been a most powerfully eloquent patron and defender he related I say in what manner after all this that old man was not ashamed to become a Child of thy Christ and an Infant at thy Font submitting his neck to the yoak of thy humility and forcing his proud forehead to the reproach of the crosse Psal 18.9 O Lord Lord who bowest the Heavens and comest down who touchest the Mountains and they smoak with what sweet and secret attractions didst thou insinuate thy self into that breast and becamest Master of it He attentively read as Simplicianus said the holy Scripture and all the Christians writings he carefully sought out and examined and then said to Simplicianus not publickly but secretly as to a friend Know that I am now a Christian And he replyed I will not believe it nor repure you such untill I shall see you within the Church of Christ And the other in derision answered him again And is it walls then that make Christians And often he said this that already he was a Christian and Sâ—mpliâ—ianus often iterated the same reply and as often was the jest of the walls returned by him For he was affraid to displease his great friends those proud worshippers of Divels from the high top of whoâ—e Babilonâ—sh power Psal 29.5 as from Cedars of Libanus whom the Lord had not yet broken he foresaw great storms of wrath would fall upon him But afterward by continual reading and meditating he gathered more firmnesse and fearing to be denied by Christ before his holy Angels if he feared to confesse him before men Mat. 10.33 and appearing to himself guilty of a grievous crime if he should be ashamed of the Sacraments of the humility of thy eternall Word and not ashamed of that sacrilegious worship of those proud devills of whom being first a proud imitater he became also a worshipper he began to be shame-free for abandoning such vanity and to blush for not professing the Truth and all on a sudden and unexpectedly said to Simplicianus as he told me Let us go to Church there I will be made a Christian And so he transported with joy immediately accompanied him thither where when he had been ‖ Admitted a Catechumenus initiated in the first Sacraments of instructions he not long after gave in his name to receive regeneration by Baptisme Rome wondering the Church exulting The proud saw it and were grieved they gnashed with their teeth and consumed away Psal 112 10. Psal 31.6 As for thy servant O Lord God was his hope and he no more regarded lying vanities Lastly when the time came of professing his faith which profession at Rome by those who are about to receive thy grace in Baptism is wont to be made in a set form of words learnt by heart from a higher place before all the Faithful he said it was offered by the priests to Victorinus that he should performe it if he pleased in private as the custom was to indulge this to some whose bashfulnesse in publick was apt to be timoâ—ous But that he chose rather to professe the matter of his salvation in the presence of all the holy congregation For that there was no matter of salvation in the Rhetorick he had taught and yet he had professed that publickly Why therefore should not he lesse fear thy meek and humble flock in pronouncing thy word than he had feared formerly in delivering his own words a more rude and censorious multitude As soon then as he ascended publickly to repeat it every one as they knew him whispered his name to others with much congratulation and who was there almost that knew him not And every ones joyful mouth in a low murmur sounded Victorinus Victorinus Such noise they suddenly made in exultation to see him and as soon were they silent again out of attention to hear him And so he pronounced the orthodox faith with a wonderful confidence whilst every one strove with the arms of his love and joy to embrace and to seat him in the chiefest place of his heart and affections CHAP. III. Why more joy for men converted than had they been alwayes Professors †A digression till the 5. Chapter Luk. 15.7 GOod God how comes it to passe in man that he rejoyceth much more in the safety of a soul despair'd of or delivered out of some extream peril than where his hopes of him were always great or the danger escaped but little And so thou also Father of mercies rejoycest more over one penitent than over ninety nine just persons who need no repentance And with much consolation we hear it when we hear in thy word how the over-joyed shepheard brought home on his own shoulders the strayed sheep And how the lost groat was brought back into thy treasures with the great joy * of the woman that found it and also * of her neighbours And the solemn gladness of thy whole house hath forced tears from us when in thy Church it is read concerning thy younger son that he had been dead and was alive again had been lost and was found But this thy extraordinary rejoycing is properly in us only and in thy Angels satisfied with holy charity whilst thou art alwayes the same who knowest all those things alwayes after the same manner which neither abide alwayes nor on the same manner How then comes it to passe in a soul that it is more delighted in things found again or restored than in those alwayes possest For many other things witness this and all places are full of testimonies that so it is The conquering Emperour solemnizeth a triumph but first undergoes a battel and how much his peril is greater in the fight so much is his joy in the triumph A tempest ariseth at sea and threatens shipwrack all grow pale with the fright of approaehing death The heaven and sea become serene and calme and their joy is now excessive because before their fear was so A dear friend falls sick and his
heard do excite the heart of those who are such like not to sleep on in despair saying I cannot but to awaken themselves through a sense of the love of thy mercy and of the sweetness of thy grace by which whoever is weak becomes strong so soon as first by it he is made conscious to himself of his own weaknesse And again good men who are not such-like are also delighted to hear of the forepast ills of those who are now freed from them are delighted not because such evills were but because they have been only and now are not But now what fruit may there be O Lord my God to whom my conscience maketh confession daily much more secure in the hope of thy mercy than in the confidence of its own innocency What fruit I pray thee of this my confession also before men in this my writing what a one for the present I am not what a one in time past I have been For some fruit of that I have discovered and related But this also what a one I am now at this instant of my writing these my confessions many are desirous to know both of those who have been acquainted and who have not been acquainted with me of those who have heard any thing from or concerning me but yet their ear cannot be laid to my heart where I am what ever I am and therefore they desire to hear my outward confession of what I am within where neither their eye nor ear nor soul can penetrate And this they desire as ready to believe where they cannot know because that charity whereby themselves are honest perswades them also that I am no deceiver in these things I speak of my self and this charity in them gives credit to me CHAP. IV. BUt yet what fruit still of this their desires Is it because they would * congratulate me when they shall hear how far I proceed towards thee by thy Gift And again * pray for me when they shall hear how much still I am retarded in this journey by my own weight Surely to such will I freely reveal my self For this is no small fruit O Lord my God that thanks be given to thee by many cotcerning us and that prayer be made unto thee by many for us Let such a brotherly affection freely * love in me whatever thou instructest it ought to be loved and again * deplore in me what thou instructest it is to be deplored But let the mind of a brother do this not of a forreigner not that of strange children whose mouth is talking of vanity Psal 144.8 and whose right hand is a right hand of iniquity but that of a brother which where it approves me joyes concerning me and where it dislikes grieves for me because such whether in approving or in disallowing continues to love me Willingly to such will I reveal my self Let them utter praise in my good things sighs in my evils My good things are thy commands and thy gifts my evil things are my faults and thy judgements In those let them rejoyce and let them mourn in these and let such Hymnes and Elegies ascend up into thy sight from the censers of the hearts of those my brethren And thou O Lord well-pleased with this Incense out of those thy holy Temples have mercy on me according to thy great mercy and for thy names sake and not forsaking what thou hast begun consummate in me what is yet imperfect This fruit then there is of the confessions not of my past but present condition which moves me to confess the various things of it not only * before thee in a secret exultation with fear and again in a secret mourning with hope but also * in the eares of believing sons of men companions of my joy co-partners of my mortality my fellow-Citizens and my fellow-pilgrims who happen to go before or to come behind or to pace along with me in the road of this life These are thy Servants my Brethren whom thou wouldst have to be thy Sons therfore to be my Masters whom thou hast charged me to serve in what I am able if I would live with and on thee Nor had the command of thy Word to me been sufficient had it by speaking only directed me and not also by doing it self gone before me And now I also indeavour the same service both by my deeds and by my words I endeavour this under the shelter of thy wings in too much extremity of peril were it not that I am sheltered under thy wings My soul hangeth upon thee and my weakness is known unto thee I am but yet a little child but my Father now and alwayes liveth and my Governour is all-sufficient for me for it is the same who before begat me and who now governeth me and it is Thou thy self O Lord that art all my good thou the Omnipotent who wer 't with me also before I was with thee I will therefore now declare to those to whom thou commandest this my service in all things not what I have been only but what I now am and what only yet I am CHAP. V. Yet not able to see or confess all of himself which God seeth in him YEt do I not here undertake to judge aright concerning my self For thou O Lord art he that judgeth me For although no man knows the things of a man but the spirit of man which is in him 1 Cor. 4.3 yet something of a man there is which neither that spirit of man which is within him knoweth But thou knowest the total of him thou who madest him And I also though I abhor my self before thy presence and consider my self but dust and ashes yet may say that I know concerning thee something Job 42.6 which yet concerning my self I am ignorant of For notwithstanding I see thee yet as through a glass darkly not face to face and so long as I sojourn here so farr from thee 1 Cor. 13 12. I am more present to my self than to thee yet well know I concerning thee that thou canst by no meanes nor from no agent receive any hurt but for my self what temptations and assaults from abroad I am able or not able to resist I know not But my hope is that thou art faithful and wilt not suffer us to be tempted above that we are able but wilt with the tempation also make a way to escape that we may sustain it Let me confess therefore both what of my self I know and what things they are I yet know nor of my self because both what concerning my self I know I know from thy illumination and what I know not I shall so long be still ignorant of till my darkness be made noon-day from the light of thy countenance CHAP. VI. Description of his present condition in the state of Grace That he now truly loveth God Concerning whom he proceeds to examine what it is he loveth when he saith that he loveth God That
tooth-ach after he was rendered thereby speechless Cap. 4 His acquainting S. Ambrose by letters with his former errours and present resolutions desiring his advice what part of Scripture chiefly he should read who directeth him to Isaiah Cap. 5 His return to Millain the Easter following to receive Baptisme from Bishop Ambrose together with his Son Adeodate and Alipius who travelled thither barefoot S. Austin's ravishment and melting into teares upon hearing the Church-service and musick Cap. 6 The Original of singing the Church-Psalmes and Hymnes at Millain after the manner of the Eastern Churches The bodies of the Martyrs Gervasius and Protasius discovered to S. Ambrose by divine revelation Found uncorrupted Many miracles done by them whereby the fury of the Arrian Emperess towards S. Ambrose and the Catholicks was much lenified Cap. 7 S. Austin's return by Rome for Africk The death of his Mother in Italy at Ostia A description of her pious education and life Cap. 8 Her dutiful deportment toward and at last conversion of her Husband Patricius to profess the Christian faith Cap. 9 The discourses between him and his Mother at Ostia some few dayes before her sickness concerning the felicities of the next life Her desire of death Cap. 10 Her Sickness Death careless of her Funeral only desiring from them a remembrance of her at the Altar of the Lord. Cap. 11 S. Austin refraining from weeping though suffering much inward grief to which after her burial he indulgeth some tears Cap. 12 His Prayer for his deceased Mother Monica and Father Patricius Cap. 13 LIB X. IN this Book S. Austin makes confession of the several lapses and infirmities of his present condition since his regeneration by Baptisme Cap. 1 The end and fruit of confessing his present condition mentally to God Cap. 2 The end and fruit of his confessing his present condition publickly before men Cap. 3 Yet not able to see or confess all of himself which God seeth in him Cap. 5 Description of his present condition in the state of Grace That he now truly loveth God Concerning whom he proceeds to examine what it is he loveth when he saith that he loveth God That it is * no object of sense * no part of the visible world abroad * no part or faculty within himself Cap. 6 Neither the Vegetative nor yet the Sensitive Cap. 7 Nor yet the more interiour and most admirabl◠faculty of the Memory The many wonders of which to the great glory of the maker thereof he most subtilly discourseth unto the 26th Chapter Cap. 8 c. That God whom he loves is* something within but yet above his soul * not confined by place omnipresent c. Cap. 26 That though he now truly loveth God abstracted from and far above all other creatures and also above himself Cap. 27 Yet he enjoyeth not as yet a perfect union unto him but hath a perpetual combat with many other false joys and griefs and fears Cap. 28 Not having yet a perfect continency in respect of all other objects besides God but extending some undue attention and affection unto them Cap. 29 He examineth himself and confesseth his present infirmities in the severall branches of Concupiscence 1 John 2.16 1. The lust of the flesh 2. The lust of the eyes 3. The pride of life And here he confesseth 1. His remaining infirmities concerning the temptations of the lust of the flesh And amongst these 1. Concerning the temptations of the Touch relating to carnall concubinage Cap. 30 2. Concerning the temptations of the tast in eating and drinking Cap. 31 3. Concerning the temptations of the smell in sweet odours and perfumes Cap. 32 4. Concerning the temptations of the ears in Musick Where whether Musick be useful in Churches Cap. 33 5. Concerning the temptations of the eyes in splendid fair and well proportioned objects Cap. 34 2. His remaining infirmities concerning the temptations of the lust of the eyes or curiosity of vain science Cap. 35 3. His remaining infirmities concerning the temptations of the pride of life The great danger of vain-glorying △ incurred from the approbation and praise of men Cap. 36 Which is not avoidable to well-doing Cap. 37 △ Incurred also from the contemning of Praise as this also being a thing praise-worthy Cap. 38 △ Incurred also from self-love and self-conceit without regard to praise of others Cap. 39 A recapitulation of the things formerly spoken in this Book· S. Austin's sometimes extraordinary transportments in the contemplation and love of God Cap. 40 41 His recourse for a remedy to all these his maladies not * to evil Angels or Demons with the Platonists or others practising evil Arts as Mediatours between God and man because sinners like men spirits like God Cap. 42 But * to Christ who is the only true Mediatour mortal like man righteous like God through whom else desperate he confidently hopes a perfect cure of all his diseases Cap. 43 The end and purpose of these his Confessions Cap. 44 THE CONFESSIONS OF S. Augustine DECLARING The Story of his Life LIB I. CHAP. I. Cap. 1 Invocation and praise of God so great so incomprehensible and yet so near and intimate to his creatures and requiring of man so vile a thing by sin to love to invocate to praise and to confess unto Him This in the five Chapters following GReat art thou O Lord and exceedingly to be praised Psal 145.3 147.5 great is thy power and thy wisdom is infinite And yet man presumes to praise thee being a piece of thy Creation poor man that bears about him now Mortality that bears about this sad Remembrancer of his sin and this inherent witnesse that thou O God resistest the proud Jam. 4.6 Yet man desires to praise thee as a piece of thy Creation And this his delight to praise thee also floweth from thee because Thou madest him for thee and his heart is restlesse until it repose in Thee Teach me therefore now O Lord this my duty towards Thee And which ought to precede That to call upon Thee or that to give praise unto Thee And again which is first To know thee or to call upon Thee But who is he that calls upon Thee and doth not first know thee for so he may addresse his prayers to something else instead of thee And yet call we not also upon thee that thou wouldest vouchsafe to let us know thee Rom. 10.14 Psal 22.26 Mat. 7.7 But again 't is said How shall they call on him on whom they have not believed And how shall they believe without a Preacher And They shall praise the Lord that first seek after him For they that seek shall finde him And they that finde shall praise Him Let me then first seek thee O Lord by calling upon thee and call upon thee from believing in thee because unto us also hast thou been preached My faith therefore now calleth upon Thee O Lord thy gift which thou hast inspired into me by the
prayer let my soul never faint under thy discipline nor grow-weary in confessing thy mercies unto thee by which thou hast drawn me out of all my wicked wayes that thou thy self mightest become delicious unto me above all those charming seducements which I have heretofore pursued and that I might love thee entirely and kiss thy delivering hand with all the bowels of my affection that thou maist yet rescue me out of all temptation even to the end For behold O Lord my King may it now be for thy service whatever useful thing my childhood hath learnt may it be for thy service that I speak write read account Because in my learning vain things thou didst not cease to discipline me and after my delighting in those vanities thou hast forgiven me my sin For I leanrt in them many useful words but these also may be as well learnt in things not vain and that a far safer way wherein to guide the unwary steps of yet-unseasoned youth CHAP. XVI Inveighing-against*lascivious Fables BUt wo unto thee precipitous torrent of humane custome who shall stop thy heady course how long ere thy pernicious streams be dried up How long shall these carry down the sons of Eve into that huge and dreadfull Ocean over which those that are best embarked are with hazard transported Have I not read in thee both of a thundering and of an adulterating Jove Not that these two were ever really coincident to the same God but thus feigned that man might have some authority to imitate the true adultery being countenanced by that fabulous thunder ... These poetical fictions transferring humane passions to the Gods or to say more truly makeing gods of most flagitious men that such crimes might no more be esteemed crimes and men committing them might be said to imitate not the most debauched of men but the most supreme of Deities And yet O thou infernal stream the children of men are daily thrown into thee with great rewards to their Teachers for compassing such learning they receiving beyond private wages also publick salaries whilst meanwhile horrid gulf thou beatest thy rocks and makest a roaring noise saying here is pure language learned here eloquence so necessary for maintaining your own opinions or oreswaying other mens Should we never then have known these elegant words Imbrem aureum Gremium fucum templa coeli and the like unless Terence had introduced a lascivious youth proposing to himself Jove for a pattern of whoring whilst in surveying a tâ—blet on the wall he found therein this lascivious picture How they say Jupiter upon a time once showred into Danae's lap a golden rain and so deceived the gold-enamoured maid and thence see how he heightens his lust from that divine copy of it as it were And what God was it sayes he that did this rape was it not he that makes the arched Temples of heaven tremble with his ecchoing thunder and may not I then a frail tempted mortal do the same yes sure I did it and that well-pleased Nor happens it from this unclean discourse that those words are any whit better learned but by these words conveying it such uncleanness is more impudently attempted Not that I blame * the words being as it were choice and precious vessels but * the wine of error which is ministred in them unto us children by our fore-intoxicated Masters of which if we refuse to drink we are beaten and have no sober Judge to whom we may appeal But I O my God in whose presence my remembrance of these things is now fear-less and secure I poor wretch then swallowed those potions most willingly and with great delight and for this was called a hopeful boy CHAP. XVII And * the mis-use of his wit PErmit me also O my God to say something of my wit thy gift on what foolish labours it was then employed for then was set me a task very vexatious to my spirit upon the price of applause or shame and fear of whipping to render raging Juno's speech when she so dolefully lamented Non posse Italia Teucrorum avertere Regem that she could not from Italy divert the Trojan Prince which words I had heard that Juno never uttered but we tracing errour were forced to follow the footsteps of such poetick fictions and to vary into prose what he expressed in verse and he did it with best applause who retaining the dignity of the person represented could reach to an higher strain of the like passion of anger and sorrow with an agreeable sense handsomely dressed in an apt expression And what happiness was it to me O thou my true life my God that my Exercise should be pre-applauded beyond many my coequals Behold are not all such things fume and vanity And was there then no other better thing wherein to have exercised our wit and eloquence Even thy praises O Lord thy praises in thy more holy writings these might have been a divine subject for the tender branch of my spreading fancy to have clasped about and depended upon without * being trailed on the ground amongst such empty trifles and * having its fruit made a filthy prey to those ravenous spiritual fowls of the air For many wayes there are whereby the precious fruits of our youth become a sacrifice to those unclean spirits CHAP. XVIII Misguided by vicious example and more ashamed of the breach of Grammar-rules than of Gods Law BUt what wonder was it if I was thus carried away through vanities and went out from thy presence Gen. 4.16 O my God when such men only were proposed to my imitation who if they should relate any of their actions though not ill with any barbarisme or solecisme being censured for it were abashed and confounded but if they should in a round and well-cohering stile fluently and neatly expresse though one of their culpable lusts being applauded for this became exalted with pride This thou seest O Lord and holdest thy peace long-suffering and abundant in goodnesse and truth And wilt thou alwayes hold thy peace No but thou drawest out of this swallowing deep the soul that seeketh after thee and thirsteth after thy chaster delights and whose heart saith unto thee I have sought thy face and Lord thy face will I seek But Ps 27.9 Vulg. Rom. 1.21 I then was departed far away from the light of thy countenance in my own darkned affections For 't is not by motion or measuring of place that we recede from thee or return to thee For that thy prodigal younger son in the Gospel did he procure himself either horses or chariots Luk. 15. or ships winged he himself to fly or girded he up his loins to run into a far countrey there lavishly to wast the portion thou gavest him at his setting-forth a kind Father that sentest him forth so rich and yet far more kind when he returned to thee so poor No but his departure from thee was in his erring mind and his coursing
which those writings so enflamed me There are those that seduce through Philosophy with this smooth and noble and vertuous name palliating and colouring ore their errors and almost all who in those or in former times were such are in that book noted and set down And there likewise was expressed that salvifical admonition of thy spirit by thy pious and devout Servant Col. 2.8 Beware lest any Man spoil you through Philosophy and vain deceit after the tradition of Men after the rudiments of the World and not after Christ for in him dwelleth all the fulness of the Godhead bodily And I for thou O Light of my soul knowest that the Apostolical advice was then unknown to me was much pleased with this in that exhortation of Cicero's that it excited and kindled and enflamed me not to this or that sect but to the affecting and pursuance and apprehending of wisdom it self whatever it were And in this great ardency of mine this one thing only cooled me that the name of Christ was not there Because this name according to thy mercy O Lord this name of my Saviour thy Son my tender heart with my very Mothers milk had piously imbibed and deeply apprehended and whatsoever wanted this name though never so learned polite or veritable yet did not wholly sway me CHAP. V. Not finding our Saviour in Philosophy he turns to the Scriptures Whose humble stile in comparison of Tullie's gives him distast THerefore now I designed my studies to the holy scripture to see what a writing it was And behold I find it not intelligible to the proud nor yet discovered and naked to Children but in its stile lowly lofty in its sense and veiled with mysteries Nor was I such as could enter into it or stoop my neck unto its humble pace for not as I judge now so fancied I then when I first looked upon that sacred book But to me altogether unworthy it seemed to be once compared to Tully's lofty stile for my swollen tumor abhorred its sober temper and my sight pierced not the inside thereof Yet such it was as would still have grown up higher together with those who were litle ones as they should grow higher but such a little one I scorned to be and swelled with pride me thought I was some great one CHAP. VI. In quest of wisdom he falls into the society and errors of the Manichees absurd pernicious ANd even therefore I fell among the proudly doting †The Manichees and too too carnal and yet great Talkers in whose mouths were laid the snares of Satan and a catching birdlime compounded of the commixture of the syllables of Thy name and also of that of our Lord Jesus Christ and of the Comforter the Holy Spirit In their mouth were all these very rife but in the sound only and noise of the tongue with a heart void of truth And they spoke of Truth and Truth and many they were that named it unto me and no where was it in them but false things they spoke not of thee only who art the true Truth but also of those elements of the World thy Creatures Of which I found the Philosophers speaking truth yet those also I ought to have passed by for the transcending love of thee my Father the highest good and the beauty of all that 's beauteous O Truth Truth how intimately then did the very marrow of my soul suspire towards thee when they noised thy name unto me often and variously but in words only and in many and voluminous writings †Note that all that which follows thus marked the Reader if he please may omit as lesse pertinent to the Story And those were their dishes wherein to me hungring after thee were served up instead of thee the Sun and the Moon splendid works of thine but thy works though and not thee nor those the primest of them for thy spirituall works precede those corporeal though glorious and celestial But neither was it those thy primest Creatures but thy self Thou O Truth ‖ Jam. 1.17 in whom is no change neither shadow of turning whom I hungred and thirsted after In stead of whom those tables presented me yet with other glittering phantasmes when far worthier had it been to have pitched my admiration upon the sun to my eyes a real thing then on those other falsities wherein my mind through my eyes was deceived And yet taking them to be thee I fed upon them not so greedily indeed for what rellish had these like unto thee with which I then was fed or emptied rather Meat in a dream though not feeding us resembles that which we feed on waking but that food did not the least resemble thee as thy sweetness hath now appeared unto me for they were but corporeal phantasmes the counterfeits of bodies more real than which are those true ones which with our fleshly sight we contemplate whether Heaven or Earthly We together with the beasts and fouls gaze on these more real therefore they are than those we only imagine yet again more reasonably do we imagine those than conjecture and derive again from them yet more vast and infinit-nothings With which emptinesses I was then fed or rather was not fed at all But thou O my Love into whose arms I faint that I might there gain strength art neither those bodies above which we see though from Heaven thou comest nor art thou those we there see not for all them hast thou framed neither countest thou them the chiefest of thy works How much more remote then art thou from being those my phantasms the phantasies of bodies which are not more reall than which are the images of those bodies that are and yet the bodies themselves more certain than these which real bodies yet thou art not Neither yet art thou the soul which is the life of these bodies and this life of bodies is better stabler than the bodies but thou art the life of the souls the life of these lives living alwayes from thy self and never varying O thou life of my soul Where wert thou at that time and at how great a distance And I sojourned far from thee being deprived even of the husks of those swine whom I then fed with husks For how much better were the fables of the Grammarians and the Poets than these cheats For making a verse and a sonnet and a Medea flying in the air c. were more to purpose than five Elements colourably diversified to sute the five caves of darkness which are meer nothing in themselves yet mortal to those who believe them But my verses and my poetry I exercise on the Elements that truly are so And for Medea's flying I neither believe it sung nor sing it to be believed but the other I believed Alas alas by what stairs was I conveyed into the depths of hell Prov. 9.18 For toiling and sweating in quest of still-wanted truth whilst I sought thee O my God for to thee
seemed to me as it vvere condemned to a capital punishment if given unto him CHAP XI His weeping Mother comforted * by a vision concerning his Conversion ANd thou sentest thine hand from above and drewest my soul out of this profound darkness whilst my Mother being one of thy †All and only the Baptized were called Fideles Faithful wept for me unto thee far more bitterly than other mothers bewail any corporeal funerals For well discerned she that my far worser death by the Faith and the Spirit which she had from thee And Thou hearkenedst unto her thou hearkenedst unto her nor despisedst thou her tears when streaming from her they watered the ground in every place of her devotions and thou hearkenedst unto her For whence else-came-that Dream wherewith thou comfortedst her so far as to perswade her that I should live with her again and sit at the same table in the house again with her a thing she had begun to be averse from avoiding and detesting the horrid blasphemies of those my errours For she saw in her sleep her self standing upon a certain straight wooden Rule and coming toward her a beautiful yong man cheerful and smiling upon her as she was weeping and spent with grief who asking the cause of that her sorrow and daily tears with intention to instruct not to learn of her and she answering that it was my perdition she so bewailed he bade her be secure and wished her to look about and she should see that where she was I was also who when she looked aside saw me close by her standing upon the same Rule And from whence all this but from thy attentive ears formerly bowed to her praying heart O Thou Good Omnipotent so caring for every one of us as if thou caredst for him only yet so caring for all as for any one Whence again was that also that she relating to me her Vision and I interpreting it thus that she rather should not despair of being one day what I was suddenly without any hesitation No said she for it was not said to me where he there also you But where you there also he I confesse unto thee O Lord as much as I remember and I have often spoke of it that this answer of thine given me by my mother when she was now awake that she not at all perplext with that false but indeed very colourable interpretation of mine so quickly saw that which also my self before she spake it had not observed struck me even at that time far more than her dream in which this pious woman had her joy to come so long after foretold her for the solace of her present grief so long before For there succeeded yet almost nine years in which I endeavouring often to arise and by this still plunged so much the deeper lay wallowing in the mire of that pit and darknesse of errour the while that chast devout sober Widow such as thou lovest already much chearfuller in her hopes but no whit slacker in her weeping and laments never ceased at all the hours of her devotions to bewail my condition unto thee And her prayers found admittance into thy presence and notwithstanding thou let'st me go on to be involved and reinvolved more and more in that cloud of darknesse CHAP. XII And * by the answer of a Bishop who notwithstanding refused to reason with him as yet too-self-conceited ANd in this interim Thou gavest her yet another answer which now I call to mind For many things I omit hasting to those which more urge my confession unto thee and many things I have forgot Thou gavest therefore yet another answer by thy Priest a certain Bishop one nursed within the bosom of thy Church and well-experienced in thy Books Whom that woman soliciting that he would vouchsafe a Conference with me to refute my errours and to unteach me ill and to instruct me good things for this he did where haply he found persons capable he refused and that very prudently as I perceived since answering her that I was as yet indocile being swollen and puft up with the novelty of that heresy For already I had netled divers unexpert men with some trifling questions as she also had declared unto him But Let him alone said he where he is only pray to our Lord for him In reading he will at length discover what that errour is and how great its impiety He told also that he when a little one was by his seduced Mother committed to the Manichees institution and had not only read but also copied out almost all their books and that himself discerned unopposed or convinced by any how much to be abhorred that impious sect was and that so he forsook it This said and she neverthelesse not satisfyed but persisting with much intreating and weeping much that he would see me would discourse with me now a little disgusted with this her importunity Go your way said he and may you live happy for it cannot be that the childe of those tears should miscarry Which speech she received in such manner as she hath since many times told me as if an oracle from heaven had sounded it unto her LIB IV. CHAP. I. From the Nineteenth to his twenty eighth year continuing addicted to the Manichees FOr this space of Nine years from the Nineteenth of my age to the Twenty-eighth we lived in various lusts seduced and seducing deceived and deceiving openly by the Sciences which they call Liberal secretly with a false-named Religion here arrogant there superstitious every where vain and zealous of the emptiness of popular praise in Theatrical applause and playing publick prizes of wit and in contentions for crowns of Hay and the fooleries of shews and the excesse of Lusts From which uncleannesses otherwhiles desiring expiation in the company of those who are called the Elect and the Saints we †The Manichees Sacrament carried provision which in the forge of their stomachs was to be moulded into Angels and Gods by whom we were to be cleansed Such things I followed and such things I practised I and my friends seduced both with and by me Let the arrogant deride me and those not yet savingly cast down and broken by thee O my God but let me continue to confess unto thee my disgrace to thy praise Permit I pray thee and grant unto me with a present memory to repass through all those past circles of my errour and from thence to offer unto thee the sacrifice of joy For what am I to my self at any time without thee but an infant sucking thy milk and feeding on thee the meat not perishing Nay what is any man that man is Let them laugh at us then the strong and mighty whilst we the infirm and poor confesse unto thee CHAP. II. Of his teaching Rhetorick in Thagaste the City where he was borne his having a Concubine yet true to her bed his playing a prize of poetry on the Theater yet refusing
same Faustus For the rest I had met with unable to solve my doubts still promised him to me a little of whose conference should easily clear to me not only those but any harder queries When he came therefore I found him a person indeed of very agreeable and compleasant discourse and much more charmingly delivering the same things which they had said before But what was my thirst relieved by having so decent a minister of such pretious but empty cups My cars had been long since cloyed with such dainties nor did any thing seem better to me because better said nor therefore any thing true because elegant nor the soul wiser for a comely mine and a graceful utterance Neither were those who promised him to me good weighers of such things to whom he seemed prudent in his judgment because pleasing in his words Whereas I have also found others of a contrary humour that suspect truth it self and suspend their assent to it so often as presented in compt and elegant expressions But Thou hadst then already taught me O my God by wayes secret and admirable for I presume that it was Thou that taughtest it me because I now know it to be true and there is no other Doctor of truth besides thee where or howsoever it shines forth unto us then had I already learnt from Thee both these that neither any thing should therefore seem spoken truly because eloquently nor therefore falsly because the signification thereof from the lips is somewhat inharmonious Nor again therefore a thing be true because plainly and nakedly spoken nor therefore false because much painted and adorned but the truth and falshood wisdom and folly are like wholsom and hurtful meats both of which may be served up either in rich or mean language as these may in courtly or country dishes CHAP. VII S. Austins affection to the Manichean Doctrines much abated upon discovery of Faustus his ignorance whom he instructs in the Art of Rhetorick WHen therefore he also after much tryal made of him appeared sufficiently ignorant of those arts in which I presumed him excellent I despaired of receiving from him any solution of those doubts which so much perplexed me Though yet in the ignorance of those arts I grant he might have retained still the truths of piety supposing he had not been a Manichean For their books are full of tedious fables of the Heaven and the Starrs and the Sun and the Moon which now I had no longer a conceit that he could evidence unto me by shewing out of the Manichean writings reasons better or at least equal to those I had formerly read Which reasons when I proposed to be examined and discussed he modestly durst not undertake the controversy and well knowing his ignorance neither was he ashamed to acknowledg it not like to those I before met with who undertook to teach me and said nothing But he had a soul though not upright towards thee yet not also treacherous to himself not altogether ignorant was he of his ignorance and not willing in a rash dispute to run himself into those straits out of which he could neither find an issue nor a fair retreat And herein his carriage much took me the modesty of his soul in confessing its defects having much more beauty and worth in it then his science could have had in solving my doubts And in all difficulter and subtler questions which I proposed on this manner I found him My affection therefore which I formerly had to the Manichean opinions was now much abated and despairing of their other Doctors skill after the trial of one so much famed I began a new conversation with him in those studies of Rhetorick which he much affected and I then taught at Carthage reading with him such books as he desired or I thought sutable for such a wit and to such a purpose But all design of further advancing my self in that Sect after his acquaintance now fell to the ground only I continued to be what by chance I then was untill I should discover something more eligible Thus this Faustus to so many the fetters of death became the first looser of my chaines and that neither witting nor willing it himself For thy hand O my God out of the secret of thy providence never let go my soul whilst my Mother did sacrifice even her hearts blood unto thee by her continual tears day and night in my behalf and thou proceededst with me all this while by wayes very wonderful and secret and undiscoverable 'T was thou didst this O my God For mans steps are directed by the Lord and he it is that disposeth his way Psal 37. â—3 And what efficient of safety can there be save thy hand which only can repair what it at first builded CHAP. VIII Much offended with the unrulinesse of his Schollers in Carthage he removes from thence beyond Sea to Rome to profess Rhetorick there extreamly against his Mothers will THerefore by the conduct of thy providence it was now so brought about that I should be perswaded rather to go to Rome and to teach there what I did at Carthage And here how I became so resolved I will not omit to confess unto thee because also in these things thy most secret workings and alwayes most present mercies toward us ought ever to be considered and professed My intent for Rome was not so much for greater profit or honour though both these were promised by my friends and then not a little swayed my inclinations but the chief and almost the only reason thereof was because youth was there said to be more orderly in the School and quiet and under stricter discipline the Schollers of one School not without leave rushing in and disturbing the Government of another contrary to the wicked and licentious custom of those of Carthage who impudently without leave of the Master and to the disturbance of the Schollers rush into his School whom they do not learn of and there commit such outrages as are punishable by the laws were they not against these patronized by custom yet in this they so much the more unhappy that they do as a thing lawfull what thy eternall commands have prohibited and that they conceit they do it with all impunity to whom the cecity by which they do it is a great punishment and the mischief which they suffer themselves incomparably worse then that they act on others Therefore those wicked fashions which I hated my self to do when I was a student being now forced to suffer when a Master from others I resolv'd rather to remove to a place Ps 142.5 where I was told were no such insolencies But thou O my hope and my portion in the land of the living to make me change my station for the changing of my life and for the safety of my soul both administredst discouragements at Carthage to chase me thence and proposedst allurements at Rome to draw me thither and this thou
more did my glory overturn my reason than his drink did his and he that very night should dâ—gest his distemper but I had long time slept and rose again with mine and so was to do thou God knowest for how many dayes Some difference therefore indeed there is upon what grounds a man rejoyceth and no doubt a Christians hope in thee incomparably excells that vanity of his but the advantage in this point between us was on his side and he was much the happier of the two not only because his heart was swel'd with mirth when mine was shrunk with cares but that he with his praying for people had got some good wine I by lying to them sought for empty glory I said many things to this purpose to those my intimates and often on these occasions observed how my pulse beat and I found things were not well with me and I sorrowed and by it doubled my evill And if I sometimes light on some proâ—perous occurrent that pleased me I was almost loth to entertain or solace my self in it because when hardly yet seized on it flew away again from me CHAP. VII Of his friend Alipius his Scholler at Carthage whom he there reclaimed from the vain sports of the Circus but infected him with Manicheisme THese things were much bemoaned amongst a company of us that lived friendly together though I communicated my thoughts more familiarly with Alipius and Nebridius Alipius was born in the same town where I was and his Parents of the best rank there younger then I and before time my scholler both when I first set up school â—n my own Town and afterward at Carthage and he loved me dearly for my seeming piety learning and I him again for his great inclinations to vertue which in so slender an age were very eminent Yet had the stream of the licentious customes of Carthage extreamly given to those vain sports carried him away to an immoderate affection to the shâ—ws of the Circus †Which were chiefly all manner of raâ—es I then professed Rhetorick at Carthage and kept a publick School But by reason of some unkindness risen between his Father and me he at that time was none of my Auditors And I knew well that he was miserably bewitched with the Circus and was much afflicted that so great a hopefulness would be or rather was already lost but in this coniuncture found no means either of admonishing or of restraining him from the good will of a friend or from the authority of a Master For I imagined he had the same opinion of me with his Father though it was much otherwise and he neglecting his Fathers quarrell began kindly to salute me coming many times into my Auditory hearing some part of my Lecture and so erelong departing whence I still forgat to negotiate with him that he would not suffer a blind and precipitate affection to such vain sports to ruine so good a wit But thou O Lord who sittest at the helme and steerest the course of all things which thou hast created thou didst not then forget him that one day he should be numbred amongst thy Children and be a Bishop and dispenser of thy Holy Sacrament And that his reformation in this matter might be clearly attributed to thee thou effectedst it by me indeed but unknown to me For one day I being in the wonted place and my Schollers about me he came in saluted me sat down attended to my Lecture whilst for the illustrating the subject in hand to â—ender it both more pleasant and more plain I borrowed a very apt similitude as I thought from the Cirâ—ensian shews not without a tart derision of such as were fondly captivated with such a madness thou knowest O our God without any thought at that time of conferring any thing to the cure of Alipius his malady But he presently applied it to himself and thought it was aimed at him and whence another would have taken occasion to have been angry with me that good youth did * to be angry with himself and for it yet more dearly * to love me For thou hast said it long ago Pro. 9.8 Rebuke the wise and he will love thee Yet I then intended no rebuke toward him but thou employest us knowing and not knowing in thy designes according to the order thou hast appointed and that order is alwayes most just Thus from my heart and tongue thou applyedst burning coals whereby thou mightest scorch and awaken the stupified soul of that hopeful disposition and so mightest heal it Let him conceal thy praises who weigheth not thy mercies which from the bottom of my soul are confessed unto thee For Alipius presently upon those words recovered himself out of that deep ditch wherein he was willingly sunk and blinded with a miserable pleasure and he shook his mind with a resolute forbearance and all the Circensian filth he had contracted dropt off from it and he returned thither no more And after this he prevailed with his unwilling Father to become my Scholler again and beginning to be my Auditor became likewiâ—e involved in the same superstitions with me and much taken with the Manicheans extolled continency which he supposed to be sincere and true but it was indeed sophisticate and inveigling catching pretious souls who as yet knew not how to reach to the height of true sanctity and therefore were easily deceived by the resemblance of a shadowed and counterfeit vertue CHAP. VIII Alipius before him a Student of the law at Rome how seduced there though very averse to behold and there to delight in the bloody shews of the Gladiators HE pursuing the secular course of life which was pressed upon him by his parents was gone to Rome before me to study the laws there And there was again carried away to the Gladiatory shews with an incredible passion and after as incredible a manner For he being much averse from and detesting such sports some friends and fellow-students meeting him in the streets after dinner with a familiar violence would needs hurry him along with them though making much resistance and many excuses to the Amphitheater upon a day when those cruel and mortall sports were there exhibited He saying to them If ye do hale my body thither and fixe it there yet can ye force me to lend my mind or my eyes at least to such a loathed spectacle Therfore in my corporall presence there I will be absent and so triumph or'e both you and it They hearing this notwithstanding had him along perhaps to try whether he had power to do as he said whither so soon as they came and had gotten places presently these horrid sports began But Alipius shutting the doores of his eyes barred up also his soul from going forth to such mischeivous objects and would to God he had as well bolted his eares too For upon a certain accident in the fight a great shout being raised by the people he out of curiosity and
luckiness in them and that in their speaking many things that should were spoken some things which did after come to passe not foreknown by those who said them but happened on by their not saying nothing Thou procuredst I say a friend of mine a curious consulter of Astrologers though himself not much seen in it who related to me something from his father which though he made little reflection thereupon served very much for the overthrow of the vain esteem of that Science This man therefore by name Firminus ingenuously educated and well studied in eloquence consulting me as one very dear to him what I collected from his Constellations as he call'd them concerning some important affair of his to which his secular hopes aspired and I who was now somewhat inclined to Nebridius his opinion conjecturing and divining thereupon what my doubting mind met-with in the Art but withall superadding that I was almost perswaded all those things were ridiculous and vain he proceeded to tell me how his father was a most curious student of such books and had also a friend alike-affected who with emulating studies and comparing of their observations were so farre enflamed toward those toyes as that when any mute Animals of their own brought forth young they marked the moment of their birth and set down the positions of the Heavens in them from whence they might gather some experiments of this Art And he said he had heard from his father that when his mother was great with child of the said Firminus a certain maid-servant of his friends happened to be big with child at the same time not unremarked by her Master who observed with most exact diligence even the puppyings of his dogs and that so it happened that they with most wary observation accounting one the day hour minute of his wifes the other of his maids being brought to bed both were delivered at the same instant so that they were forced to set down the same calculation to a minute of the Nativity one of his son the other of his servant For as soon as the women fell in labour they gave mutuall notice and had one ready to send to each other so soon as the child was born and those sent met so justly in the mid-way that neither of them was permitted to observe any position of the starrs or particle of time different from the other And yet Firminus as honourably descended ran the more happy courses of this world increased in wealth was advanced in dignities But the servant having the yoke of his condition no way eased waited on a Master as he told me vvho very vvell knevv him Hearing therefore and believing these things from so creditable an Author all my former reluctance presently melted and first I endeavoured to reduce Firminus from this curiosity saying That from the inspection of his Constellations to tell him the truth of what should succeed I was in them to discern that his parents were of better quality his family noble of the City where they lived his extraction and his education honourable his studies ingenuous But if afterward the servant out of these Constellations for he had the same consulted me to tell him the truth also I must in them behold his fortune a most abject family a condition servile and all other things farr differing and much contrary to the former Whence it would follow that on the same aspects I was to read contrary fortunes if I foretold the truth or if I read the same fortune must say what was false And hence I gathered that what is spoken true from consideration of such Constellations is said not by Art but by guesse and what is spoken false is not from any unskilfulness of Art but from the errour of guessing From this entrance upon a further consideration of these things lest any who lived by this trade whom I much desired to confute and render ridiculous should reply that Firminus to me or his father at least to him had told an untruth I reflected my thoughts on those who are born twins who ordinarily are excluded into the world so hastily one after the other that the small interval of time whatever operation they may pretend it to have in nature yet cannot be collected by humane observation nor expressed in the composition of any figure out of which the Astrologer is to make his prognostication His predictions therefore either cannot be true if from perusing the same figure he should say the same things for example of Esau and Jacob when as the same things happened not to them both Or if true he must not say the same of them whereas yet his inspection was utterly the same Therefore not from Art but chance it is that he speaketh truth For thou O Lord the most just Moderator of the Universe whilst the consulters and the consulted know not any thing by a secret instinct orderest what is fit both that the one should say and the other hear according to the hidden merits of souls and the abyss of thy just judgement Eâ—clus 35.17 To whom let none say What is this wherefore is that let him not say let him not say it for he is but a man CHAP. VII Prâ—secuâ—ing the same query Unde Malum THus loosed from these bonds by thee my Helper yet I was still in a labyrinth concerning the query From whence Evil and could find no way out Yet thou didst not suffer me by any wayes of those my cogitations to be carried away from the right faith by which I believed both that thou wert and that thy substance was immutable and that thou didst take a care of and didst justice amongst men and that in Christ thy Son our Lord and in the holy Scriptures which the authority of thy Catholick Church recommended unto me thou hadst appointed a way of mans salvation in reference to that life which after this present death shall be enjoyed These points therefore being safe and well-quieted in my mind I still hotly enquired from whence should come Evil. And what pangs were those of my heart in travel what groans O my God And there were thine eares receiving them and I knew it not and whilst in silence I importunatly sought the tacite contritions of my soul were powerful clamours to thy mercy Psal 38.9 10. Vulgar Ante te omne desiderium meum lumen oculorum meorum non est mecum And my desire was before thee and the true light of mine eyes was not with me For it was within and I was abroad Neither possessed it any place But my fancy was intent only upon things circumscribed by place and amongst them I found no place of rest and neither did they so well entertain me that I could say I am well this is enough Nor yet did they quite release me to return where it might be well enough with me For I was much superiour to them as inferiour to thee And thou wouldest be true joy and
from a deceitful tongue could only more increase but not extinguish it Nevertheless because that by reason of thy name now so glorified through the world such our purpose and vow must needs find many commenders it seem'd * that it might appear to have some relish of vain-glory in me not to have patience till a vacation so near but to desert a Profession so publick and eyed by all before it and * that the mouths of all men reflecting on this my act and how near a breaking-up school I would yet prevent might say many things as if I affected to magnifie my self and seem some great one and yet what mattered it to me that men should divine and dispute my intentions Rom. 14.16 or that our good should be thus evil-spoken of But besides the opportunity of the Vintage-vacation so it was that in the heat of Summer my lungs began * to fail under the too much toil of my School difficultly * to fetch breath and by the pains of my breast to signifie their hurt and now * to refuse any very loud or long speaking which thing at the first had much troubled me because it would force me either they being incurable upon necessity to give o're so burdensome a profession or if curable yet to intermit it But after that a resolute will to attend only on thee and to see how that thou art the Lord was raised and confirmed in me thou knowest O my God my joy that I had this also no false excuse to sweeten the discontent of those men who for their childrens benefit envied my liberty Full of such joy I patiently therefore endured that interval of time till it should be run out I know not whither they were about some twenty dayes but they were endured not without some patience for I was already rid of those ambitions which formerly helped me to bear that heavy burden with which now therefore I should have been overlaid had not patience took their place Some of thy Servants my brethren may blame me for this that having a heart now fully resign'd to thy service I should any longer though but for an hour sit down in the chair of lies And for my part I do not oppose them But thou O Lord so full of mercy hast thou not pardoned and remitted this sin also unto me amongst many others so horrible and deadly in the holy water of my Baptism CHAP. III. Verecundus a Citizen of Millain offers his country-house for their retirement The death of Verecundus and of Nebridius not long after S. Austin's conversion being both first made Christians †See l. 8. cap. 6. VErecundus was much afflicted concerning this our purpose because thus he saw himself by reason of the many bonds wherewith he was most straitly tyed deprived of our society Himself not yet a Christian though his wife a baptized Professor of the faith and yet was he * retarded by her as one of his straightest fetters from following our intended course * and did deny to become a Christian upon any other termes than these he could not perform Truly he very courteously offered and lent us for the time of our abode in that place the use of his country-house Thou O Lord shalt recompense him at the resurrection of the righteous since the lot of the righteous is already happened to him Who though in our absence after we had removed to Rome being seized by a corporal sickness was in it made a Christian and a Fidelis and so departed this life In which thing thou hadst mercy not only on him but on us lest considering the great courtesies of this friend toward us and not able to number him amongst thy flock we should have been tormented with too disconsolate a sorrow Thanks be to thee our God thy care we are all thy exhortations and thy consolations sufficiently shew it faithful in all thy promises Thou shalt return to Verecundus for that his house at Cassiacum where from the tumults of the world we quietly reposed in thee Psal 68.15 16. Vulg. in in monte incascato monte tuo monte ube i. the amenity of thy eternally-green and flourishing Paradise because thou hast remitted unto him his sins here on earth in the mountain of fat pastures the Hill of God that fruitful Hill Thus was Verecundus afflicted but Nebridius as much joyed for although he not as yet a Christian had formerly fallen into the pit of that most pernicious errour to believe the flesh of thy Son only an empty apparition yet now reclaimed from it he was a most earnest inq isitor of truth though not as yet initiated in any Sacraments of thy Church Whom becoming also not long after our conversion and regeneration by thy baptism a faithful Catholick and serving thee in all continency and chastity amongst his Kindred in Afri k and having converted all his family to Christianity thou hast loosed from the flesh and now he lives unto thee in Abraham's bosom Whatever it is that is signified by that bosom there my Nebridius lives my sweet friend and thy adopted Son there he lives For what other place can receive such a soul In that place he lives concerning which he asked of me a poor unexperienced man so many questions He now layes his ear no more to my mouth but his spiritual mouth to thy fountain and there drinks wisdom to his fill endlesly happy Yet cannot I imagin him so inebriated therewith that he forgets me since thou also O Lord whom he drinketh art mindful of me Thus therefore it was with us at that time we comforting Verecundus much grieved yet without diminution of friendship for such our conversion and * exhorting him to a profession of the faith suting with his condition namely with a married life And * attending for Nebridius when he would run the same course of life with us which he might presently and was upon the point to do it every moment when behold those dayes were at last run out which seemed so long and many from the affection I had of a vacant liberty That I might sing from the innermost marrow of my soul Tibi dixit cor meum Psal 27.2 My heart hath said unto thee I have sought thy face and thy face O Lord will I seek CHAP. IV. His retiring in the Vacation after his School dissolved to the country-house of Verecundus His meditations on the fourth Psalm and his several writings there and the miraculous cure of his violent tooth-ach after he was rendred thereby speechless ANd now was the day come wherein I should actually be released from my Professorship in Rhetorick from which I was released before in affection And it was done and thou now freedst my tongue from what thou hadst before freed my heart And I blessed thee with much rejoycing and so retired to the Country Villa †At Cassiacum with all my nearest friends Where * what I did in my writings now
indeed dedicated to thy service but yet as it were panting after and somewhat relishing of the School of pride so lately left is witnessed by my books ‖ His books written there are reasoned partly with those who were present before me and partly with my self alone before thee and * Contra Academicos Lib. 3. De vitâ beatâ l. 1. De Ordine l. 2. Soliloquiorum l. 2. what I acted with absent Nebridius is testified by my Epistles O! when shall I find sufficient time for commemoration of those thy so many and so great benefits toward us in that time especially I hastening to yet greater matters For my remembrance calls me back to those times and it is a sweet thing to me O Lord to confess now unto thee * with what inward rods thou then tamedst me and * in what manner thou levelledst and plainedst me humbling the mountains and banks of my vain and towring thoughts straightening my crookedness and smoothing my roughness and also * in what manner thou subduedst Alipius the brother of my soul to that blessed name of thy only begott n Son Jesus Christ our Lord Which name at first he disdained to have inserted in our writings which he desired might rather rellish △ of the lofty Cedars of the Philosophy-school Psa 29.5 which the Lord hath broken than △ of the humble and low medicinal herbs of ecclesiastical knowledge salutary for nourishment preservative against poisons O! what passionate voices sent I up onto thee then when I read the Psalmes of David those faithful Hymns and those Aires of piety not to be sung by any swoln spirit then when I was but yet a novice in the School of thy Love and only Catechumenus solacing my self in that Villa in the society of Alipius a Catechumenus also my Mother still adhering to us in a female habit but with a manly faith the security of old age the affection of a Mother the piety of a Christian O what passionate expressions I say made I unto thee in the reading of those Psalms and how much was I enflamed towards thee by them and how was I incensed to have sung and proclaimed them if I could all the world over to the confusion of the swelling and pride of men Though verily all the world over are they sung and there is none that can hide himself from thy heat With what bitter indignation and grief did I storme against the Manichees Psa 19.6 and then again pittied them that they were * ignorant of those Sacraments of those Medicines and * mad also against the Antidote from which they might have received the cure of their madnesse How did I wish that they had been somewhere near me and might I ignorant of their presence or hearkning have * observed my countenance and * heard my ejaculations when I read the fourth Psalme and * seen what things in that my retirement were wrought on me by this Psalme Cum invocarem When I called upon thee thou heardest me O God of my righteousnesse in my distress thou hast enlarged me Have mercy upon me O Lord and hear my prayer That I say they might have heard without my knowledge that they heard lest they might think that for them I said so what things I uttered on those words for indeed neither should I say the same things nor in such manner say them supposing them to have seen or over-heard me nor if I should have said the same would they have so entertained them as when I said them only with and to my self before thee in the familiar and native affections and expressions of my mind How did I now tremble with fear now again burn with hope and with exultation in thy mercy O Father and how did these issue forth by my eyes and voice my tears and sighs when thy good spirit turning unto us saith in the words following O ye sons of men how long dull of heart Psal 4.3 Vulgar Filii hominum usque quo gravi corde Scirote quoniam mirificavit Dominus Sanctum suum How long will ye love vanity and seek after a lye Know ye that the Lord hath magnified his holy one For I had loved vanity and sought a lye And thou Lord hadst already long since magnified thy Holy one raising him from the dead and setting him at thy right hand Whence also he should send from on high his promised Comforter the Spirit of truth And he had also sent him already but I knew it not He had sent him already because he was already magnified rising from the dead and ascending into heaven †Joh. 7.39 For till then the H. Ghost was not given because Jesus was not yet glorified And for these things it is that the Prophet cries out How long dull of heart How long love ye vanity and seek a lye And know ye that the Lord hath glorified his holy One He cries out How long He cri s out Know ye And I so long not knowing had loved vanity and sought after a lie and therefore I heard and stood in awe because this was spoken to such as I remembred I had been For in those phantasmes which I had held for Truth there was vanity and a lie And I burst forth into many serious and vehement expressions in the bitternesse of my remembrance Which I wish they might have heard who even until now love that vanity and seek after that lie Perhaps they would have been pain'd and have emptied themselves of that poyson Ver. 4. and so thou wouldst hear them when they cried unto thee For not in a vain and lying appearance but by a true death of his flesh he died for us who now intercedes and cries unto thee for us and thou hearest him I further read there †Ver 5. Irascimini nolite peccare Rom 2.5 Be angry and sin not And how was I moved therewith O my God! Who had already learnt to be angry with my self for my past sin that I might for the future forbear sinning and with good reason angry because it was not any other nature of the Nation of darknesse that sinned in me as they say who therefore are not angry with themselves for it and so treasure up anger against the day of anger and of the revelation of thy just judgment Neither were now my ‖ Allusion to verse 6. Quis ostendet nobis bona good things as theirs placed abroad and without me nor sought with my carnal eyes by the light of that Sun For those who seek their joy in something abroad do easily become vain and are spilt upon those things which are seen and which are temporal and with hunger-sterved cogitations continue still licking the images thereof And Oh that they might once grow weary of and loath such an hunger and say quis ostendet nobis bona Who will shew us any better good And that we might answer again they might hearken unto it
what vast astonishable thing O my God a profound and infinite multiplicity and this is my soul and this is I my self What a thing therefore is my self What a nature am I A various and multiforme life and exceedingly immense in the extent of its power And behold through these innumerable fields and caves and sellars of My memory innumerably full of innumerable sorts of things by so many several wayes conveighed in thither through all those things I fly I run I dive this way and that way as farr as I am able and nowhere can I find an end So great is the power of Memory so great the power of this life in man even whilst he is yet mortal What shall I do then O thou my true life My God I will also passe beyond this power of mine called Memory that I may arrive yet closer unto thee that sweet light after which I seek Lo I ascending by this my soul unto thee who remainest unto me elevated above it I will passe beyond that My faculty called Memory desirous to attain thee so farr as thou art attainable and to inhere in thee so farr as I am capable of union to thee For a Memory I find also in the Beasts and Fouls Otherwise neither their former Dens nor Nests could be repaired to nor many other things done wherein we discover their constant customs but nothing is accustomed to without Memory I will therefore passe o're this memory that so I may arrive at him who hath made me otherwise then the fourfootedbeast and wiser than the winged foul I will leave the Memory but then where shall I find thee O true Good and secure pleasure but then where shall I find thee CHAP. XVIII For if I find thee besides or out of My Memory I must have forgotten thee and how then shall I find thee if I have no remembrance of thee When the woman had lost her groat and sought it with a candle if she had not remembred it how could she have found it for when she had found it how could she know whether that was it of which she had no remembrance CHAP. XXIV FArr have I travelled in memory seeking thee O Lord and I have not found the at all out of it For since I first learned thee thou abidest in my Memory and there I find thee whenever I recall thee to mind and enjoy delight in thee In this place are those my holy pleasures which thy charity and thy mercy hath bestowed upon me taking pity upon my poverty CHAP. XXV BUt where art thou resident in my Memory Thou the Lord What lodging hast thou made there for thee What Sanctuary hast thou built I passed by the lower parts thereof common with beasts because in My remembring thee I found thee not there amongst the images of corporeal things And I came to the parts thereof where are stored the affections of my soul neither yet there found I thee and I have entred into the very seat and lodging of my mind it self which seat also is there in my Memory because the mind remembers also its self and neither wast thou there For as thou art no image of a body nor no affection of the Mind so neither art thou the mind or soul it self but the Lord God of this soul Thou art And all these things are subject to change but thou remainest for ever unchangeable high above all things And yet hast thou vouchsafed to dwell in My Memory since the time I have learned thee CHAP. XXVI That God whom he loves is * something within but yet above his Soul * not confind by place omnipresent c. BUt then where found I thee that I might learn thee For neither wast thou already in my Memory before I learned thee Where then found I thee O my Lord that I might learn thee but in thy self above me Yet nowhere having any place or space between us and thee And we go farr from thee and come near unto thee and yet no where hast thou any place But thou the Truth art in every place present and giving audience to all consulting thee and at the same time thou givest answer unto all consulting thee things never so many or diverse And clearly thou answerest unto all but all do not clearly hear thee All consult thee about what they please but not alwaies hear from thee what pleaseth them And amongst them he is thy best servant who desires not so much to hear from thee what shall be conformable to his will but rather to conform his Will to whatever he shall hear from thee CHAP. XXVII That though he now truely loveth God abstracted from and farr above all other creatures and olso above Himself TOO too late have I found and begun to love thee O beauty so ancient and yet so new too too late begun I to love thee And behold thou wast within me and I abroad and there I sought thee and so deformed a wretch hotly courted those beauties which thou hast made Thou wast with me but I was not with thee And even those things kept me a great distance from thee which have no being but that they have in thee But thou hast called Thou hast cryed out and peirced my deafnesse Thou hast lightned thou hast streamed forth and dispelled my blindnesse Thou hast sent forth thy fragrant perfumes and I have scented thy odours and do pant after thee I have tasted thy sweets and do hunger and thirst after them Thou hast touched me and I am all-inflamed after thy fruition CHAP. XXVIII Yet he enjoyeth not as yet a perfect union unto him but hath a perpetual combat with many other false joyes and griefs and fears WHen once I shall be united to thee and inhere in thee with all my self then shall I no more suffer any sort of these greifs and labours and then my life shall be truely alive when totally full of thee But now since all that are filled with thee are also elevated by thee therefore am I still such a burden to my self because I am not yet full of thee My vain joyes to be deplored contend still in me with my wholesome sorrows to be much joyed in and to what side the victory inclines I know not Wo is me My Lord Have thou pitty on me Again my evill sorrows contend within me with my holy joyes Job 7.1 old Vulgar and to which side the victory inclines yet I know not Wo is me my Lord have thou pitty on me Wo is me Behold I conceal not my wounds from thee Thou art a Phisician I am sick Thou art full of mercy I of misery is not mans life upon the earth a continuall temptation And who is there that can be in love with such troubles and difficulties Thou commandest that they should be suffered but not that they should be loved No Man loves what he suffers though he loves to suffer For though he joyes that he can tollerate and suffer
the trouble of emptinesse to the rest of fulnesse my concupisence layeth a snare for me For this passage it self is a pleasure nor is there any other way to passe to it but this to which necessity forceth me And thus whereas health only is the true cause of eating and drinking yet there accompanies it as its handmaid a perillous jucundity and gust which most what endeavours also to step before it that for its sake I should do what I pretend or also desire to do only for healths sake Nor are both of these content with the same allowance That which is sufficient for health beeing too little for delight and many times it becomes uncertain whether it is the necessary care of my body that requires such a supply or the voluptuous deceit of my lust that procures such a maintenance from me and the unhappy soul grows glad in such an uncertainty and thence prepares the protection of an excuse rejoycing that it appears not what is an exact proportion for the welfare of the body that under the cloak of health it may disguise the matter of delight These enticements daily I endeavour to resist and do invoke thy right hand to save me and to thee do relate these my anxitties for I am to seek for Counsel in this matter I hear the voice of my Lord commanding Let not your hearts be overcharged with surfeiting and drunkennesse Luk. 21.34 As for drunkennesse it is hitherto farr from me shew thou mercy that it may never approach me But immoderate eating doth sometimes steal upon thy servant shew thou mercy that it may be put farr from me For none can be continent unlesse thou givest it Many things thou bestowest unto our prayers and whatever good also we receive before we pray for it from thee we receive it and the knowledge also that from thee we receive it we receive from thee I was never a drunkard but drunkards have I known made afterwards sober men by thee Therefore from the same thee it is that they should not be so who never were such * from whom it was that they should not alwaies be so who somtimes had been such * from whom also it was that both these should know from whom it was I heard also another voice of thine Eccle. 16 30. 1 Cor. 8.8 Go not after thine own lusts and turn away thy face from thy own pleasure I have heard also that speech from thy bounty with which I am much taken Neither if we eat shall we abound neither if we eat not shall we lack That is neither will the one render me plentifull nor the other deficient Another voice I have heard For I have learned in whatsoever state I am therewith to be content Phil. 4.11 I know both how to abound and how to suffer need through Christ that strengtheneth me I can do all things Psal 103.14 Gen. 3. Luke 15.32 See here a Souldier of the Celestial Host and not such earth and dust as we are But remember thou O Lord that we are but dust and that of the dust thon mad'st Man and he was lost but is found Neither was this Man able of himself to do such things because he was the same dust whom by thy inspiration saying such things I do so dearly affect but I saith he can do all things through him who strengthenâ—h me Strengthen thou me also that I may be able Give what thou commandest and command what thou pleasest He also confessed 1 Cor. 4. â— 1 Cor. 1 31. Eccles 23 5 6. that he had received it and what he glorifieth oâ—â—e glorifieth of in the Lord. Another I have heard asking of thee that he might receive Take thou fâ—om me saith hâ— the greedinesse of the belly whence it appears my holy God that thou givest when it is done what thou commandest to be done Thou hast taught Me also Rom. 14.20 1 Tim. 4.4 1 Cor. 8.8 Col. 2.16 Rom. 14.3 Good â—aâ—her Vnto the pure that all things are pure but that it is evill to the man who eateth with offence And That every creature of thine is good and nothing to be refused which is received with thanks giving And That meat commendeth us not to God And That no man may judge us in meat or in drink And That He which eateth let him not despise him that eateth not and let noâ— him that eateth not judge him that eateth These things I have learnt Thaâ—ks be to thee praises to thee My God My Master knocking-at mine ears enlightning My heart Deliver thou Me from all temptations The uncleanesse of the Meat I do not dread but the uncleanesse of lusting I know that Noah was permitted all manner of flesh good for food Gen. 9.3 1 Kin. 17.6 Mat. 3.4 Gen. 25. 1 Chro 11 Mat. 4.3 Num. 11.4 That Elias hungring in the desert was fed with flesh-meat That John the Baptist a man endued with a miraculous abstinence received no pollution from living creatures 1. Locusts made his food And on the otherside I know that Esau was deceived by the lust of a few lentiles and David censured by himself for the desire of a draught of water and that our King was tempted not in a matter of flesh but of bread only and therefore also the people in the Wildernesse not simply because they desired flesh but because in the desire thereof they murmured against the Lord deserved to be rejected I therefore placed amongst the same temptations am striving every day against this concupisence in eating and in drinking For 't is no such thing which I can resolve to cut off at once and touch no more as I could do concerning concubinage Therefore are the reins of the throat to be held with a moderate hand between relaxation and restraint And who is he O Lord who is not sometimes transported beyond the lists of necessity Whoever he be a great one he is * let him magnify thy name But such a one I am not for I am a Sinfull man But I am one also that Magnify thy name and * let him intercede unto thee for these My sins who hath so perfectly overcome the World reckoning Me also amongst the weaker Members of the same body â—sal 136.6 because thy eyes also regard this my imperfect substance and in thy book shall all thine be written CHAP. XXXII 3. Concerning the temptations of the smell in sweet odours and perfumes FRom the allurements of sweet smels I suffer no great trouble when absent I do not misse them when present not refuse them and am willing for ever to be without them Thus I appear to my self but perhaps mistaken For much to be lamented is the darknesse wherein my very abilities and faculties which are within me lie obscured and hidden from me So that my own mind when questioning it self concerning its own strength knows not well how to believe it self because much within it lies secret and concealed from it till