Rambling Round the World THat I have been a Rambler both before when and ever since I was born you have heard already by another Hand 't is my Province to add here that the Passion of Voyaging did so fortifie it self in me with Age that I had hardly attained twenty Years but my Mind was set on A Ramble round the World Mens generosa ultra polos And now being freed from a Masters beck I resolv'd to have one glympse of another Countrey though Death himself should set the Ladder The truly Valiant fears nothing but the duing an Injury He that never fears is desperate and he that fears always is a Coward He is the truly valiant Man that dares nothing but what he may and fears nothing but what he ought Certainly then that Spectacle which Vander dares not look in the Face is very affrighting But because I was in love with the old Proverb Do nothing rashly I was resolved to see some of the Rooms of my Native Countrey before I ventur'd over the Threshold thereof Methinks thinks 't is a burning shame to see that most English Men can give a better account of Fountainbleau than Hampton-Court of the Stadt-house in Aâ—sterdam or the Indian Wigwams than they can of the Royal Exchange Oxford Cambridge or moâ—e renowned Graffham 'T is true he that would see much in a little must Travel the Low Countries Holland is all Europe in an Amsterdam print for Learning War and Traffick But 't is England England alone that is a little World within it self a Paradice for Women and the very Queen of Isles 'T is the Darling of Ceres and Bacchus the Air sweet and cherishing the Glorious Sun that sets and goes down in other Countries seems only to pass by the English Coasts Nature as her Darling hath embrac'd England with a River and large Moat intending still as she made to lay up her Principals and Originals in this her Cabinet The Natives have Faces like Angels Wits like Muses Charms like Graces and are cast in a Mould between the Earthly Spaniard and the trifling French In a word It 's Excellencies are too bigg for Description and therefore well might the Greek Poet cry out 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and that English man be justly censur'd who embarks for another Countrey before he has view'd his own These Considerations made me first resolve for a Ramble round my Native Countrey and thô I very well knew there was great Dangers attending such an Adventure yet I thought it below a Man for the Love of Life to lose the Reason of Living seeing All may have Herb. Ch. Porch If they dare try a glorious Life or Grave And therefore now I began to grow weary of the Life I led and believ'd it was high time to think of departing And no wonder I was so soon on another Frollick for a wandring Humour found me out as I say Capering in the Winding-Chambers of Nature even there I lay forming Idea's of long Voyages and New Worlds and perhaps too grunting out for 't is pure Charity to lend a Crutch to a lame Conceit Bout-Ship Stedy Stedy Hard-up Hard-a-weather How wind ye my Hearts of Gold East or West and by Norâ— Some say I was no sooner born but my Eyes had Language and my Looks were offering at Discoveries Of all my Members the last that Rambled was my Tongue that Mother of Speech that shapes our Breath into Words as if I were loth to use so deceitful an Organ and certainly I was best Company with it when I could but just Mutter and Lisp I am apt to think could I have seen and spoke in my Mothers Belly I had always been pointing to some far Countrey and crying Chear up my Mates the Wind does fairly blow Clap on more sail and never spare Farewell all Lands for now we are I' th Narrow Narrow Seaâ—â— and merrily we go Bless me 't is hot another Bole of Wine And I shall cut the Burning-line Ho Boys she scuds away I round the World am sailing now And verily Sirs there is no resisting of Fate He that is born under a Rambling Planet all that he doth to â—ix him at home doth but hasten his Travels abroad My self experiencâ—â— the truth of this for tho at this juncture I had many Friends and Servants too and all things else about me that could render Life gay and sweet yet on a sudden Being born a Rambler Nature returns and now tho Business had fetter'd my Leggs and my whole Life seem'd buâ— as one Marriage-day such crouching was there now to the Rising Sun yet all this could not fix my little Carkass or limit my roving Mind to a narrower Circuit than the whole Creation And therefore when I had as carefully even'd with all Men for as to my Morals I am or should be an Honest Man as if I had been upon my last leave with the World and had given a solemn Adieu to my Summer-Friends I was soon on the March not caring whither 〈◊〉 Rambled to meet the Sun at his Rising or at 〈◊〉 going down provided only that I but Ramble â—elieving now that tho my whole Life should be a daily Invention and each Meal a New Stratagem yet that the Pleasures of Travelling would sweeten all And according to my Expectation every day rose upon me with a fresh Delight and still where e're I came I was tâ—eated with all the Delicacies of Nature and Art the Air was kind and soft the Fields were Trim and Neat the Sun benign and cherishing Nature each day dress'd all the World anew and in a word the whole Creation was free and obliliging and from every thing I met I receiv'd a Civility So that my whole Travels were perform'd with great Satisfaction and I was so well pleas'd with every thing that I saw or heard as I went along that I never thought my self at home till now I had no home to go to 'T was now as if the whole World had been my proper Birth-right and Dwelling that I had a Kitchin smoaking in every Countrey a Table cover'd in every Shire and a Lodging â—â—ias Barn for a Scrape or a How dâ—ye in every Village I came at But if at any time Fortune withdrew her Smiles for she is constant in nothing but Inconstancy then all I met with I embrac'd for Brethren proving our Kin in a long series from Adam and so improv'd this far-fetch'd Relation into a passionate Hugg and that for Money Hunger will caper over stone Walls I might add over Hills set upon Hills and therefore did I chuse in Affliction rather to make my Brains my Exchequer than like a Modest Gentleman to groan under the Slavery of a Blushing Temper I was never when in Trouble for Drink and be Rich for I well knew I could not live 〈◊〉 Tempore feâ—st my Guts in a Dream or like a Mouse in a Cheese enlarge my House-room by
met with this Life but as an Earnest of the happier to come Certainly she never read of a Vertue which she did not forthwith put into act No greater Blessing could to Mortal fall I now methinks am Caesar Cresus all That we can happy or delightful call Had the Great Conqu'ror reacht the British shore And his victorious Arms had triumph'd o're This World of Bliss he ne're had wept for more A minute in her company entertains me with an age of Pleasure When I have it which is â—sually eight hours a day it puzzles my Soul to find subject for another Wish or to think of a Happiness that I do not enjoy 'T is all the Sweets of Life I have the Universal Globe in having Iris and in her company can sit and scorn the Splendour of a Crown And therefore my Body shall be hers and so intirely hers that never any but her self shall have part therein She shall not need to watch over my Fidelity because I shall be more jealous thereof than she can and if I should chance to offend therein my hand shall prevent both the Laws of God and Man in the revenge of so great a wrong And if Death permits me to survive her be assured that even to 〈◊〉 very Ashes I will keep a Body pure and 〈◊〉 inviolable for Separation shall never 〈◊〉 place in our Union which is too great to 〈◊〉 exampled Iris. Hold Vander or you 'll make me blush my self to death But know if you 're real I am resolved that Winters chilling Storms nor Summers scorching â—eat attended with the sharp contests of Poverty shall never part us Death it self in all its dismal 〈◊〉 is not of force to shake my fix'd determination Were all the Floods the Rivers and Seas that with their crooked arms embrace the Earth betwixt us I 'd â—ade through all and meet thee Were all the Alps heap'd on each others head were Pelion joyn'd to Oâ—â—a and they both thrown on Olympa's top they 〈◊〉 not make so high a Wall but I would scale 〈◊〉 find thee Vander. Iris thy singular kindness puts me in mind of Queen Elenor who accompanied her Husband Edward I. to the Holy-Land in which Voyage he being stabb'd by a Saracen with a poyson'd Dagger when no Medicine could extract the Poyson she did it with her Tongue licking daily while her Husband slept his rankling Wounds whereby they perfectly closed and yet her self received no harm So sovereign a Medicine said Speed is a Woman's Tongue anointed with the vertue of lovely Affection Pity it is faith Mr. Fuller such a pretty Story should not be true because then we might hear of one Woman's Tongue that hath done good But Iris you yet are young and have not â—â—rugled with Misfortunes nor contended with the World and therefore know not of what force they are consider how the tender Iris iâ— she Ramble with me as she says she will must be often forced to make the Ground her Bed and underneath some spreading Tree lye stretched exposed to all the injuries of Weather whâ—â—â— soft sleep flies from her careful Breast and she with sighs and groans is forc'd to wound the murmuring Air. Iris. If upon some bleak Mountains top whose covering is Snow and Globes of solid Ice where Winters lasting Tyranny still reigns you should be forced to make your Bed I 'd there repose This Arm should be your Pillow whilst your Iris your obedient Iris froze to your side witness the two hundred Garden Walks which surely you han't forgot Vander. Could you do this Yet think again and well consider that many sad Accidents may attend me in Travelling which you think not of and I may soon be summon'd to the Grave and should you be left alone in a strange Land and far from your Relations meet with much contempt and scorn abroad then will be the time of your repentance then you 'll blame that ill-starr'd day you left your Countrey and Friends for the company of Vander. Iris. Let not that trouble my Dear at all for when unfriendly Death with his cold Icy hand shall grasp your Life I 'll mourn much like a Widow-Turtle till in floods of swelling Grief I 'm wasted to Eternity and then our Bodies shall not be disjoyned but in one Grave we 'll lye till our returning Souls shall wake the drowsie courses and hand in hand we take our way to Heaven Vander. Can there be such constant Faith in Woman O thou Glory of your Sex let me revenge of so great a wrong And if Death permits me to survive her be assured that even to her very Ashes I will keep a Body pure and Troth inviolable for Separation shall never have place in our Uâ—â—â—on which is too great to be exampled I am reâ—â—lved that Winters chilling Storms nor Summers scorching heat attended with the sharp contests of Poverty shall never part us Death it self in all its dismal shapes is not of force to shake my fix'd determination Were all the Floods the Rivers and Seas that with their Crooked arms embrace the Earth betwixt us I 'd wade through all and meet her Were all the Alps heap'd on each others head were Pelion joynd to Ossa and they both thrown on Olympa's top they shou'd not make so high a Wall but I would scale and find her If upon some Mountains top whose covering is Snow and Globes of solid Ice she should be forced to make her Bed I 'd there repose this Arm should be her Pillow whilst Vander shivering Vander froze to her side And when unfriendly Death with his cold Icy hand shall grasp her Life I 'll mourn much like a Widow-Turtle till in floods of swelling Grief I 'm waâ—ted to Eternity and then our Bodies shall not be disjoyned but in one Grave we 'll lye till our returning Souls shall wake the drowsie Courses and hand in hand we take our way to Heaven But so much for a Parenthesis of about three Pages Return we now to my Life agen wherein not a line have I written but has need of Correction or at least an Ocean of penitent Tears And therefore how glad should I be could Time unweave my Age again to the first thread that so once more being made an Infant I might be a better Husband of those golden hours that like a Bird from the Hand of the Owner are now vanisht out of sight I am thus free in accusing my self believing what Quarles says He that Confesses his Sin begins his Iourney towards Heaven he that is Sorry for it mends his pace he that Forsakes it is at his Iourneys end But alas Semel insanivimus omnes And we daily see the Life of the most precise amongst us is but one continued Blot we may see folly attending the wisest of Men and perhaps even at that very instant too when they would eagerly perswade us to follow their dictates at the same time they grow Cinical and morose and the Tub
near as I can remember it from his own mouth My dear Kainophilus In the midst of the silent night as you and my Land-Lord were sitting by my Bed-side I fancy'd that a blew mist came o're my Eyes and doz'd my Senses when methoughts a lovely Youth clad in a glorious garb stood by me and with beaming Eyes so dazled me with Rays of Light that I was much amaz'd but long he paus'd not e're he snatch'd me from you both and with expanded Wings flew swift as I thought through many Regions pav'd with Stars and shining with glittering Fires where I beheld strange Shapes and heard amazing Voices and mounting still higher and higher at last he brought me within sight of a most Glorious Palace whose out-side shin'd with such exceeding Brightness that I was oblig'd sometimes to shut mine Eyes as not capable of steady gazing At the Gate stood Throngs of glorious forms in Robes of purest white with Crowns of Gold upon their Heads Palms of Victory in their Hands and golden Harps in their Mouths whereon they play'd melodiously ravishing all my Senses with their charming Voices and methougts they seeming in their Songs to express much Joy at my approach I was about to enter this Coelestial Mansion but on a suddain hearing a Voice as loud as Thunder crying Return return for you cannot enter here till you fling off your Cloths of Flesh I sunk down like lightning and just now starting at the supposed Fall I waked And thus to the Admiration of all the World he lived in Person as it were to learn to dye by his own Funeral and to see it celebrated before his Eyes and after he had with abundance of Pleasure view'd his Coffin Winding-sheet and Death-bed Shrouds having a great curiosity to see himself buryed in Effigie he walkt with Kainophilus ten days after to Marlow Chancel to see his Tomb that so he might as he couragiously said Look Death full in the face and learn to dye generously Oh Noble Courage that can triumph at the sight of a Tomb Oh glorious Action where Gaâ—lands of Cypress dispute the Preheminence with Laurel and Palm Oh gallant Self-Victory that so bravely puts a gloss on the Face of Death And indeed no one can say he is resolved for Death that cannot undergo it with his Eyes open or meet it the boldest way Cowards wink when they fight but the truly valiant dare face their danger One saying to Damidas that the Lacedemonians wâ—â—e likely very much to suffer if they did not in time reconeile themselves to Prince Philip's favour Why you pitiful Fellow replyed he what can they suffer that do not fear to dye It being demanded of Agis which way a man might live free Why said he by despising Death Then who would be a Slave to his fears that is so near the reach of Liberty The most voluntary Death is the most brave Was not Philaret ' s viewing his Grave with pleasure an act of Courage beyond all that we read of Caesar And the truth on 't is Living is Slavery if the Liberty of dying were taken away The most obliging Present Nature has made us and which takes from us all colour of complaint of our condition is to have delivered into our custody the keys of Life she has only ordered one door into Life but a thousand ways out 'T is true we may be streightned for Earth to live upon but Earth sufficient to dye upon can never be wanting Caesar being askt what Death he thought to be the most desired made answer The least premeditated and the shortest If Caesar dared to say it it is no cowardize in Philaret to believe it however believe it or not 't is all one to Mounsieur Death who seeing him recovered of his long Trance falls now to twisting his Guts till he died in earnest so that His new Life and his Exit seem'd to meet His swadling Bands almost his winding Sheet And from his Death-bed he does but arise To see his Grave returns again and dies Ah Philaret Must we part then First let me close thy Eyes bedew thy Cheeks a little compose thy body for the Grave follow thee thither and then farewel till we meet in th' other World Poor miserable Man If Fate happen to gild â—o're one Inch of thy unhappy Span and lend a â—limpse of Heaven in a Friend how soon does the beauteous Vision vanish out of sight But why do I sigh and groan seeing ' Tw'ont be long before it will be said Of me as 't is of Phil. Alas he 's dead So that now leaving Marlow behind me and Philaret fast asleep in his Grave at least I suppose so for I cou'd not stay to see him buried I was resolv'd to return for London and fix there till I had wore out the thoughts of him And now going to take leave of my Hostess I perceiv'd all the House in an uprore the Nurse weeping the Maid howling Daphne Molly and Tiddy crying the Cat wringing her hands and all the House in a great perplexity except old Towzer who like a cruel-hearted Cur shed not so much as one single Tear Having given 'em the last becken of Farewel on I troop'd the pace of a Butter Womans old Mare leaving it to the discretion of my Horse to go which way to London he pleas'd so he wou'd but bring me there at night 't was all I desir'd believing assuredly that it was only in that wherein the very Essence and Being of all Adventures consisted After eight hours Travel in Dust and Sun safely arrived at London just as the Sun having run his 〈◊〉 was prancing down his Western-Hill 〈…〉 Before the Windows of the Day were quite shut iâ— I got to my Quarters where being weary â—â—sie Sleep soon drew the fringed Curtains of my Eyes By that time 8 hours repose like a good Cloth-worker had set a refreshing Nap upon my tired and thread-bare Limbs the Sun again like an unwearied Rambler came dancing o're the drousy Hills to unbar the doors of Night and to signifie to the Skies that they might now if they please play the good House-Wife and put out their Candles This made my Heart dance the Canaries in my Breast without the help of a Violin For my Patience you may well imagin was now on the Tenter-hooks till I was on my Rambles again So jumping out of my nitty Couch with a courteous design to free my tender Br from the persecution of the lousy Blankets for my Pockets could not reach to the gentility of Sheets I fell to dressing my little dapper self as trim as neat and as Gay as if I had set all night between the Comb and the Glass or had rob'd some Petty-Milliner of all his Nick Nacks tho' 't is a folly to lye for 't some of my Linnen seem'd to be of an old or dusty translation Then running to the Barbers for a new Face for you must note tho my Beard as yet was but
might fall a tearing the Guts of this Lyon some of whose Body must pass into the Dogs as well as other only thro' it This Dog might come home with the Gentleman agen and at length coming to some untimely end his Noble Carcass lye rotting in the Fields which very place being fatned with his corrupted Carcass might produce some Tuffs of larger Grass than ordinary wherein undoubtedly wou'd be included some Particles of the poor deceased Creature which Particles might very easily be devour'd by some fat Ox or Weather grazing there allured by the length and beauty of the grass and so become part of this Sheep or Oxe and they agen being brought to the Spacious Table of some of my Worthy Ancestors might Communicate the same Subtile parts of the Grass the Sheep the Oxe the Dog the Lyon to their Treâ—chers thence to their Mouth Stomach Blood and in two removes more to their Son and Heir so from Generation to Generation till at last all center'd in the Lyon like Evander This I say may be and Graver folks than he have made a huge splutter with such a kind of business but I am apt to think between Friends if there be any thing in 't that most of the Lyoness Particles rambled somewhere else to another Branch of the Family and that more of the Sheep the gentle Lamb or such harmless innocent Creatures Rambled into my Composition for though I find enough of the Lyon in my Soul yet this Treacherous Body will quake and tremble at the approach of Danger And I find a strong Inclination to bleat for Succour tho' still all that know me know the very Character I give my self is and I shou'd be best acquainted sure with my own self That I ne're saw fear butâ—iâ— the Face of an Enemy I cou'd as easily prove one Leg of me may have Rambled out of a Whale and a piece of my left Hip from the Shoulder-blade of an Elephant for might not some of my Grandfathers be left in Greenland we have been Travellers of old and there forc'd to eat Whalesritters or not to go so far who knows but after the Elephant was burnt in the Booth I tell no lyes every body knows this is true the Dirt and Rubbish might be thrown out in the Fields where Pease might be afterwards Sown and so a piece of the Elephant brought home to Evanders Table in a Dish of Green-Pease Now all the difficulty here will be whether or no I use to eat Green-Pease but for the Truth of this I Appeal to Stocks-Market and all the Neighbours And so I 'm got home agen but must immediately take a Journey to Graffham my well-beloved Town of Graffham and find my self in my Mothers Belly just Rambled out of nothing or next to 't nôthing like what I am now into a little live thing hardly as big as a Nit. Should I tell you as the virtuosi do that I was shaped at first like a Todpole and that I remember very well when my Tail Rambled off and a pair of little Legs sprung out in the room on 't Nay shou'd I protest I pulled out my Note-book and slap-dash'd it down the very minute after it happen'd let me see so many Days Hours and seconds after Conception yet this Infidel World wou'd hardly believe me and therefore I 'll Advance nothing but what carries Demonstration in the Teeth on 't and will make them believe in spight of their Noses I say then that as soon as my Mother quicken'd I began to Ramble with a witness were she alive she 'd swear it however not to trouble the World with a company of not very sweet Depositions to that purpose for be it known I 'm no Prince of Wales 't is an infallible mark that I was alive because I am so and am ready to enter the Lists with any who shall Dispute to the contrary But there did I keep such a â—ossing and tumbling frisking and Rambling and shifting a-sides and turning about from one place to t'other that after nine Months my Mother cou'd endure it no longer but out she turns me and abroad I Rambled into the wide World CHAP. II. My second Ramble into the World and out on 't and in again c. First mark how the Banâ—ling to all outward appearing When he first came to Life was as dead as a Herring NOW here am I most abominably puzled and if my freedom lay upon 't could not for my Blood resolve what to do I had to confess the Truth prepar'd a great many sparkling notions pleasant Fancies neaâ— Thoughts and whole Bushels of Flowers to welcom my coming into the World I had Collected many a fine passage and well-turned Period as concerning Life and all the Conveniences Inconveniences Pleasure and Pain on 't which could not have fail'd of Ministring abundant Diversion and Profit to the well-disposed Reader But how to lug it in ay there 's all the Craft what 's a Man the better for having two Hogsheads at the Door For look ye now and do but consider my case I could cry I 'm so pull'd and tormented to talk of Life and all those pretty things that I intended how I lookt abroad when I first saw the Light found the Bâ—bby and all that but first the Brandy-bottle by the Light of Nature and laughed in my Nurses Face I say to talk of this when one was Dead-born looks a little like a Figure in Rhetorick called Nonsence and yet where to stick it in if I â—lip this Opportunity I can't for my Life imagin The Poet 't is true has done both and by a pretty Oximoron expressed my Sence extreamly well When he first came to Life was as dead as a Herring but then he fastens that too with what goes before he was only so to all outward appearing and that we know is fallacious but alas we Prose Authors are ty'd up more strictly and must write with greater Gravity and clearer Consistency or else Envy will be presently upon our Bones Ha I have found the way I have it I won't take Ten pound for my Thought Mark ye me Mr. Reader I 'll suppose I was born alive for you know a Man may suppose what he will I may suppose my self a Conjurer or you a Rhinoceros And upon that supposal I can most handsomly and expeditiously drive in all the Rambling thoughts I had a mind to supposing then that I liv'd two or three hours after I was Dead-born and then dy'd agen O Life Life What a whim thou art Thou art a perfect Evander no body knows what to make of thee Thou art one tedious Ramble from nothing to something tho' that something is next to nothing Life is a troubled troublesom and tempestuous Sea a meer Irish Ocean we take Shipping at our Birth with tears we Sail over it with Care Fear Sorrow Hope sometimes worse than all the other three the Whirlwinds that blow us thro' it and at last with Sighs and
upon such another She was the pattern of Wives Queen of Mothers best of Friends and indeed as my Father used to say truly of her had all the Virtues of her Sex in her little Finger what had she then think ye all her Body over To say more than all she was a very Iris only a few years older and well worthy to be the Mother of Evander were he but as worthy to be her Son Nay but she shan't think to scape without some Poetry on her Death No all my Relations shall know what 't is to have a Poet kin to ' em She did she did I saw her mount the Skye And with new Whiteness paint the Galaxy Heaven her methought with all its Eyes did view And yet acknow'edg'd all its Eyes too few Methought I saw in crouds bless'd Spirits meet And with loud Welcomes her arrival greet Which cou'd they grieve had gone with grief away To see a Soul more white more pure than thâ—y Earth was unworthy such a prize as this Only a while Heaven let us share the bliss c. There are a great many more of 'em but I don't love to gorge the Reader whom I rather chuse always to leave with a Relish for his next Meal I 'll only borrow his Patience and a Friends Wit for an Epitaph and then let her rest 'till she and I wake together Here lies Don Evander's Mother Death e're thou kill'â—t such another Fair and good and wise as she Time shall throw a Dart at thee In the last Chapter I had clean forgot to give you the History of the second Globe which having such a direct aspect on the Body of all the following Relation and the Epitome of my Life ought by no means to be omitted There you may see if you 'll take the pains but to turn over to the Frontispiece my old Crone of a Nurse ay and such a Nurse as I 'd not envy Iupiter his she-goat who suckled him in a kind of Rapture and Prophecy presenting the Furniture of my future Life the Tools I was to set up with in the universal Trade of Rambling a Hobby Horse which you 'll see will one of these days cast his Tail and have four Leggs start out in the room on 't A pair of little Boots yet a great deal too big for my little Leggs A Staff for sometimes I paid it on Ten-toes tho' that has a stronger twang of Sancho than his Master and is directly against the most sacred Rules of Knight Errantry and never to be done unless in a Pilgrimage or on a Vow never more to bestride a Horse agen 'till that of the flaming Gyant Sir Fundermundando's won in Mortal Battel as you may read at large in Don Bellianis of Greece or the seven Champions But I don't well understand what comes after there seems a little malicious sting i' the Tail on 't A Sword too it may be Why does he think I 'll Ramble without a Sword or does he make a may be on 't whether I shall ever have one of my own Now dare I venture a shoulder of Mutton to a penny Commons that 't was some Shcollard or other writ these Verses who finding at the University they had but one Sword belonging to one Colledge and a pair of Boots between three more which they ride out with by turns while the other stay at home in their own defence concluded strait that things went at the same rate all the World over No Sir Author as pert as you are I tell you I have a Sword of my own and that those may know too who know me or you either Sir I 'll assure ye Sir for my Friends Cause is my own and 't is at your Service Sir whenever you please to make use of it Being thus provided and equipp'd Cap-a-pe in a Travellers Garb Pen and Ink i' one Pocket and Bread and Cheese i' t'other not in specie No Heroes don't use to be mean but in a parcel of Gray-Groats and Edward Shillings ty'd up i' the corner of my Handkerchief my Daddy and I turn'd one side upon Graffham the place of my Birth and away we troopt to another where we had more business but I war'nt ye I have Wit enough to keep all close and not let you know what 't was this however I care not if I tell you that the very hopes of Rambling the Prospect of seeing a new Part of the World or indeed a New World to me striking upon the strings of my Soul before wound to the same pitch made most charming Musick and had you seen then the young Evander who now he sets up for Rambling indeed does a new thing and gets a Horse-back is resolv'd to have a New Name too and henceforth when he thinks fit be call'd KAINOPHILVS had you but seen what a brisk Air he then put on how lively and rosie he lookt how sweet and how charming well but I say no more being I say about to leave my beloved Graffham I can't but give you and Posterity some account of it as my famous Predecessor Coriat did of Odcomb which indeed does strangely agree with the Place of my Nativity But the Excellencies of it being too large to be contain'd in a corner or crowded up in a piece of a Chapter they shall have a whole one to themselves that immediately following CHAP. IV. The Description of The fine Town of Graffham the best i' the Shire on 't And a famous Town 't is if you ever did hear on 't FRom henceforward Reader don't expect I shou'd give every distinct Ramble a distinct Chapter for truly I can't afford it any longer for the Chapters being heavy things and the Rambles brisk little airy Creatures the last run away so fast and scamper about at such a mad rate that the first do what they can can't keep pace with 'em being besides a great many one still begetting another and running all different ways from one another O but Graffham my dear Graffham I han't forgot thee No sooner shall my Toes forget the use of Rambling my Fingers of Writing or my Teeth of eating I am resolv'd to write thy Memoirs with all the accuracy possible both for thy sake and my own First and mainly indeed that after Ages may know where I was born and what place was first so happy to claim my Nativity nor leave Graffham Aston Chessham London Boston Colâ—n Amsterdam and half a hundred Places more a quarreling for me to fifty Generations hence as the Cities of Greece do for Homer Graffham was the Place but what was this Graffham I 'll tell you if you have Patience but have a Care of Envy The least I can say in its Praise is this If wholsome Air Earth Woods and pleasant Springs Are Elements whereby a Town is grac'd If strong and stately Bowers Contentment brings Such is the Town of Graffham and so plac'd There Nature Art Art Nature hath embrac'd Without within below aloft
as Barebreechd as Evander when from his last Globe he rambles into his Grave Physicks too Go drown'd your self in your own vacuum and Build Castles in the Air and take Metaphysicks along with you a Witch-catching or Winnowing Entity from unum verum bonum Go troop all together I 'm for taking my leave and a fair riddance too all at once and intend to have no more to do with ye unless taking ye in a Lump without opening the Book or reading one Syllable more about you But there 's more yet to come and I 'm resolv'd once for all to make clear work Farewel Astrology for once and again I tell ye Kainophilus was ne're cut out for a Conjurer Farewel Geometry for I can ramble round the World without thy help and scorn to measure how many Miles Pearches Feet Inches and Barly-corns I run over Or number 'em either and therefore well thought Troop off Arithmetick for Company for he 's an arrand Fool that can't tell twenty and what canst thou do more Nay ten is thy utmost Limits and even then thou art forc't to vamp out one with a nought and all the rest of thy fruitless pains with so much more cost than worship is only telling them nine Figures over and over again till thou hast lost thy self and yet can'st never get to the end o' thy Iourney Chiromancy Shall I shake Hands with thee too No thou' rt such a strolling Gypsie thou' rt only fit to be whipt or set in the Cage for a great Cheat as thou art And when Mathematicks can tell me how matter is infinitely divisible and yet not so and â—econcile Demonstrations contradicting each other o'both sides then I 'll keep that tho' all the rest must trudge but since it never can let that turn out to and break its Neck or drown it self over its own Pons Asinorum What a Fool am I after all to rail at what I don't understand Learning has a property much like that which a great man attributes in another sense to Philosophy as a little of that makes a Man an Atheist but a great deal a Religious person so a smattering of Learning makes one despise it a great deal esteem and admire Forgive me O thou thing almost Divine that I have Blasphem'd thee without knowing thee and if possible let that either excuse or alleviate my Fault and Punishment Never a wretch wholost and left thee as I have done but Repented dearly of it as soon as he came to know the crime he had committed I believe thou art the very Image of Heaven and a great part of that happiness we lost by our own folly I inflict the most severe voluntary Pennance on my self for having thus abused thee I 'm content all my Life long to bear the wretched Fate of standing at thy Door and helping others in while I stay without my self a helpless â—â—â—â—bless vagrant and spend my weary days in sighs and only thinking what I might have been had I improved by thy auspicious aid and cultivated all those Golden Seeds Nature so largely sprinkled on her Evanders Breast This Justice done to Heaven-born Learning I now proceed to give you an account of my Iourney which these thoughts so far shorten'd that I was now arrived at the famous Metropolis of England I had almost said the World for which you must go with me to the following chapter CHAP. VI. Next he Rambles to London where his Father's intent is He might ask his Son's leave tho' to Chain him a Prentice NOW does the Reader greedily expect a Description of London ay and such a one it shall be when it once comes that shall put down Stow's Survey Howel's Londinopolis Delawn R. B. and all that ever writ on 't since London-stone was no bigger than a Cherry-stone or Iulius Caesar Built the Tower I question not in the least no not in the least but 't will Pit Box and Gallery with let me see with ay with Iordan's Lord Mayor's show or his Successors either tho' that 's bold word that 's the truth on 't By this time I guess the Reader is big upto the Chin with expectation as Mrs. Abi gail and her little Master at Bartholomeâ— Fair ' when they are just a going to begin for two or three hours together to satisfie his Curiosity I tell him now whatever I made him believe in the last Chapter that he 's not like to hear a word more on 't this two hours Thus do I love to elevate and surprize and sprinkle now and then some of that same in my writings which is so remarkable in my self that people shou'd miss what they expected and find what they never lookt for tho' both still very excellent nor must you think I do this without sound advisement and sage Reason for my Father coming here full in my way and he being nearer akin to me than all the City of London put together besides he conveying me thither and placing me there all the Reason i' the World I should dispatch him first that is to say make an end of him that is to say in a civil way finishing and closing altogether his Life and Death and paying that just Tribute of Tears Elelegies Sighs Groans and Acrosticks due to his Super-precious memory for wou'd it not be a preposterous thing for me in the midst of my Apprenticeship when my Father dy'd to run Rambling away from the Shop in the next Book and leave my Masters Business at six's and seven's no thank ye for that Evander had by that time a more staid Head of his own and was no such passionate admirer of hot Suppings to trot so far after ' em Besides to have my Fathers whole Life together the great Father of the not greater Evander why it looks noble and very fine and sounds as well as any thing in the World for when the Readers of this Book one Lord or t'other Earl this Wit and that Alderman shall find the marvellous deeds of the Son they 'll be very willing to go a little higher it being a very natural sort of Conclusion that this Son had a Father and that Father very probably not unlike this Son and then there needs no more to be said but that they 'd be extreamly well pleas'd to see this wondrous Father of this wondrous Son all together in one piece not Hang Drawn and Quartered about thro' all the twenty four Volumes here an Arm and there a Leg and there another Member Gentlemen your will shall be done 't is contrary to Evander's Nature to disoblige such Honourable Persons here 't is altogether nay I 'll say that you 'll have a Lump on 't turn to the Index let 's see run along wi' your Finger Chapter Chapter Chapter no 't is n't here Chap. 4. Chap. 5. not yet Chap. 6. there there ye have it but then what volume ay that shou'd have bin thought of before the Chapter why Volume the tenth no
eleventh twelfth twenty three twenty five no that can never be it because there been't so many Is 't the first then Ay the first be sure which shou'd it be else sure The Father ought to go before the Son because he was Born before me I write nothing but what 's chastest Truth and all the Neighbours can justifie it Well then now ye have it ye can't miss't if ye had ne're so much mind to 't Vol 1. Chap 6. The Life and Death of Evander's immediate Male Progenitor All this pains I take now to make the matter clear and instruct even the meanest capacity how to make the best use of this most useful Book why then stand by London and Room for Father Who was Born what need ye know where Is n't enough I have told you my own Birth-place Graffham dearest Graffham hold hold I was just going to Ramble away to 't agen and leave my very Father for my Countrey But as I was saying what shou'd people be so inquisitive for This prying World wou'd fain know my Father thank 'em for that if they know my Father they 'll know me if they know the place of his Birth that 's one way to know him Is 't not sufficient a Conscience that I wear so many Flowers Feathers Bells and fine things about me and turn my self out to the wide World to let 'em laugh their Small-guts out but I must needs shew my Face too not that I 'm asham'd on 't neither I 'm no Panther I don't say 't is one of the best that Nature ever form'd but 't is as 't is and there 's an end on 't and whose 't is do ye Fish out if you can for if I tell you hang me at my own Sign-post but what 's all this to my Father why truly as near as Father and Son And so this Father of mine Sir as I was saying was Born somewhere or other you don't know where nor are n't like to know unless you are good guessers Thence he went to School thence to Gambridge thence to a place as every Body you know must go to one place or another then from that place to another place and from another place to another place agen And then he had several Children Oh! but I should have told you first that he was married to my Mother and then my Mother fell sick and dy'd and was almost bury'd as I told you before and then came to life and dy'd again in good earnest and was bury'd accordingly and then my Father who had something too of the Ramble in his brain you may see by this as well as his Son whence you may take notice I 'm no degenerate branch nor does Evander ramble from his virtuous Progenitors tho' in good earnest he almost does from his Sence pray Reader put me right again whereabouts was I before I stept over the unconscionable Essex stile of this over-grown bursten-gutted Parenthesis O then my Father went a Rambling to shew his Son the way and so he went and he went till he came into Ireland being resolved to endure a long seven-years Apprenticeship to grief and sorrow for the loss of his dearest Partner and by the perswasion of his dearest Friends or his own Inclination no great matter which nor do I find it decided in his Writings he there studied Physick to divert his Melancholy and during that time grew perfectly acquainted with the nature and quality of all the venemous Beasts in that Island Toads Newts Vipers Spiders c. dissecting as many of 'em as ever he came near and thereby gaining such unparallel'd skill in things of that nature that never did any person address themselves to him for cure in those forementioned accidents but he cured 'em one and all as fast as they 'd come near him so that not Greatrix himself that wonder-working Stroker ever groped away the Gout or Kings Evil more infallibly than this dear Father what you have heard already who thinking he had Rambled long enough now came home agen to the great joy of all his neighbours And being assured his Wife his dear Wife and my dear Mother was dead in good earnest having waited seven long years to see whether she 'd come out of her Trance the second time and his rambling lost Eâ—ridice would return any more finding all quiet and silent her grave overgrown with grass and not the least chink crevice motion whisper or sign of her Intentions to see the light any more till such a long time hence that he thought 't would be a folly to stay for her he e'ne marry'd agen After that he had several hopeful Sons and Daughters still surviving especially my friend Daphne c. but she 'd be too proud if she saw her name here in words at length I 'll not attempt to number all the great and good actions of such a Father because indeed 't is impossible for sooner could I tell you how many Stars there are in Heaven or Sands on the Sea-shore or how many virtues Iris has or how many of her kisses will satisfie her ravish'd transported stark staring mad-with-love Evander Nay perhaps were this possible to be done Prudence and Duty would yet strive and tug one way or to'ther whether publish it or not For the common Proverb Heroum filii noxae wise Fathers generally beget Sons that are otherwise and the exuberant glories of his Life ecclipsing my own and rendring me a meer Dock leaf a Iohn-a-Stiles a perfect Noddy in comparison of him truly things being thus Charity begins at home and I ought to have some regard to my dearer self as well as to my dear Father tho' hardly can I pronounce which is most so However all the Interest in the World shall never make me say a false or a base thing of him and what I shall write shall be enough to let the World know it never had nor never will find his Fellow For tho' I don't remember he had the gift of Prophâ—cy whatever may have been pretended yet I can aver he had a quality much more profitable he was thrifty and frugal and careful for his Family gave his Sisters portions and left a good Estate and plentiful Fortunes among his own hopeful Children which inmy judgment is commendation enough for one Father And tho' I might add a thousand more this in a manner would include as it excels all the rest and shall I ever be able while I breathe to reflect on such a Father without hugging his memory and almost idolatrously adoring his very Ashes And indeed I don't much wonder Idolatry first crept into the World by the fondness of Children to their deceased Parent for I could hardly ever behold the dear Picture of my dead Father by the same token it used to hang up behind door in the great Parlour without almost kneeling to 't washing it with my Tears and then licking 'em off again But here being a very convenient Loophole I
after he had carefully bound me Prentice as I told you before and you shall hear hereafter he 's as dead as Nebuchadnezzar tho' his Fame shall never die while either his Son or his Son's Son shall remain alive This Ramble is my Son But when and how did he die and where and wherefore and for what Reason Quis quid ubi quibus c. To the when I answer Nov. 4. 1676. An. Aetat 48. and that 's as much as many an honest Man gets for his Epitaph but every honest Man is not my Father And being dead 't will be very convenient to give him speedy Burial tho' not very speedy neither one may be too hasty in that matter Duns Scotus as subtle a Head as my Father for his Life was fool'd out of this World at that rate and bury'd alive poor wretch where he all mawl'd his Face and Hands at such a rate against the Cossin that 't wou'd have griev'd ones Heart to have seen him To prevent which inconvenience his Relations wisely fearing my Father might have three Lives because my Mother had two who was so much weaker than him kept him above ground five days after his Death to see whether he intended to come back again but finding him in earnest and still remaining in the same sullen Humour they then wou'd wait no longer but e'ne heav'd him into his last Tenement in the Chancel And there let him lye till I come to him and how sweetly shou'd he and I and Iris lye there together in one anothers Arms Lye further Father you have got all the Bed to your self and thrust us out upon the very Bedsted but tho' you had possession first yet two to one's odds However I 'll be a dutiful Son dead and living and rather lye upon the Boards than hurt your Ribs which by this time may be a little tender But well remember'd I should have told you how he dy'd before how he was Bury'd He did it like an honest and brave Man as he had liv'd and having lived so well almost fifty years certainly he cou'd ne're be to learn to die well for one quarter of an hour He lookt as if he wou'd put Death out of Countenance as if he rather wish'd it than fear'd it but not because he was frowardly weary of this life but rationally assured of a better Not like that Fool of a Philosopher who after some three or fourscore years huffing God and Man and pretending to teach 'em both more than they knew before had not learn'd wit enough all that while to know whither he was going and cou'd leave no wiser saying behind him than that of the poor Heathen Quae nunc abibis in Loca He had found a hole to creep out of the World at and was going to take a long leap in the dark he cou'd not tell whither He dy'd then if we may properly use that word of one who undoubtedly lives more now than before he has much the better by this alteration and Deaths Exchange was to him far from being any Robbery Next where whyat a certain place in England that shall be uncertain to you till you find his Epitaph Last of all wherefore and for what Reason Why that 's a very â—rish Question now tho' 't is askt in Latin I scorn to put the World off with that road answer as trite as Ratcliff-high-way for want of Breath or because he cou'd live no longer Every Magpy dies at that rate and for such sage Reasons But my Father's Death as well as his Life was all extraordinary The Original then of the fatal period of that beloved life more precious than both the Indies was no other than the incurable putrefaction of some Morbid Iuices in the Renal Concavities To speak plain for I write for the vulgar tho' I protest it 's much harder to stoop my Notions to their Capacities than at first to invent 'em he dy'd of the Stone in the Kidneys or Bladder I can't be positive after the most exquisite Torments equall'd by nothing but his patience There 's a Father if you talk of a Father I must I may I shall I will be proud of him as Alexander was of Iove Not Great Alcides fam'd Tyrinthian Hero Who slew the Seven-headed Lerna fein'd And dread Nemaean Thunder Not he nor ne're a Heroick Killcow of 'em all ever kickt up with half a quarter of that constancy and gravity that Kainophilus Father did who was rackt and grown'd worse with that Milstone of a Stone he carry'd about with him than ever Hercules with his poyson'd Jerkin I have heard of a Person yet living who had a Stone in his Kidneys of such a prodigious magnitude that it fill'd up almost all the concavity of his Carcase and you might easily feel it thro' his Flesh if you laid your Hand on his Back I can't say what truth there is in 't nor wou'd the World any sooner believe me should I assure 'em that the Stone in my Fathers Body was so immense that I 've wonder'd it did not bunch up behind and make him have a Hump-back or at least overpoise him in walking and drag him backward with its incredible weight However he dy'd dead he is and buried but not without his taking a decent civil leave of the World he was not in so great haste to be so unmannerly or rub off without telling any Body Some of his last advice to us his beloved Off-spring was to live in Pâ—ace and Love one another which those who don't who love others better than they love me their Brother ay and their elder Brother their hope and prop of their Family their Kainophil I say no more â—ut let 'em look to 't and get off as well as they are able And may Kainophilus get over that troublesome Ditch that parts this World and t'other as well as his Father did when it comes to his turn to leap Those shapes of Torture which to view in Paint Wou'd make another faint He did indure in true reality And feel what they cou'd hardly bear to see His Soul so willing from his Body went As if both parted by consent No murmur no complaining no delay Only a sigh Ah Iohn Ah Nan and so away Well I protest I find a Mans Genius improves with using it the Reader may well wonder at some great Master strokes in Poetry among my Works and then so strangely like what they have seen in other places for good wits will â—ump and yet so very unlike for I scorn to Thieve and dare say no Man will own any of his own Goods upon my Ground but his wonder will be a little moderated when I tell him a secret â—Tis that I and certain near and dear Friends of mine used a long time to write Epistles in Verse to one another which so strangely improv'd my Hand at it that were that Learned and Reverend worthy Author Mr. Iohn Bunyan yet living I 'd not fear to
Praises However I may I must agen Sacrifice some Tears at thy incomparable Vrn I must almost adore thee and think that Divine Spirit which ever shone thro' all of thine still hovers o're thy precious Relicks and can never Ramble from them Live then Incomparable Man live both without thy Tomb and in it or rather that in thee Thou hast thou ever wilt have a far better and a Nobler Monument a Mausoleum almost worthy Cowley Heroes shall learn thy Davidis and with that ever keep thee in their Breasts and Memories While Love whil Virtue lives thy Lambent Flames shall warm the innocent Virgin bosom A hundred Ages hence shall they read thy Mistress envying at once and blaming that unknown Goddess that made thee sigh in vain Nor shall even that great Name who paid this so well deserv'd honour to thy Ashes be euer forgotten Nor can Buckingham want a Tomb while Cowley has one And while they both live in the Works of Evander Come let 's be e'n going There 's nothing else worth seeing that I know Let Thyn lie where he is till those who sent him thither come and weep over his Tomb till they fetc him to life again And Fairborn o' t'other side at Tangier more cover'd with the smoak of Cannons than he of Blunderbusses But now we talk of Tangier Have you heard of the Mole and that barren blind Bargain Was n't Trelawney a brave Fellow The Alcaide Sand Hills Marineâ— Regiments Well The Reader can't imagine what pains I take to curbate all my might this rambling fancy o' mine to keep him Company but tho' I lean back to the very Crupper the Jade starts and winces about as if she had a Nettle under her Tail So So I 'll strok her and see if fair means will do She begins to be pretty civil and walks peaceably along toward the Parliamentâ— House and the Hall but first let 's call in at Heaven here 's a House of Entertainment so call'd and take a little Soop by the way That 's soon done Now Enter But whither are we going Here 's a hole indeed Evander knows what to do with his Life better than to venture upon New-Discoveries Why it looks like the Entry into Okey Hole or the Deel's A of Peak Let me see Is 't possible to get in without creeping upon Hands and Knees Mercy o' me what black things with Green Wings are those that I see wandring up and down within and appearing thro' the Shades Sure they are no better than Incarnate Lawyers and droves of poor deluded Wretches dragging after them out of whom they have Suckâ— all their Blood and Substance till they look like Ghosts indeed and miserable ones too for all the shapes of Rage Fury Despair and Revenge appear in their Faces Well This 't is to have Land and Money Well fare Old Diogenes that happy Snail that always carried his shell about with him and nothing else Who ever heard he had a Law Suit with his Landlord for Dilapidation or his Goods â—elz'd for not Paying Rent or his Platters and Porridg-Pot for Chimney-Money But 't is a known thumb'd sweaty Proverb All Trades must live And so must he who takes Malefactors to task after the Lawyers have done with them Will no Spiders live in the Roof of Westminster Hall Why suppose that yet the want is pretty well made up with venemous Creatures below that crowd along so thick and numerous there 's â—o antidote against 'em but an empty Purse What a Whipster was this Willâ— Rufus or rather what very Beef-eaters have the Yeomen of the Guard been ever since Adam when this Hall was built for them to dine in and wer 't full to the Top both sides and both ends turn in but half-a-dozen of 'em and if they did n't eat their way thorow let 'em lye there Observe the little Grates and nooks and corners round about it sure they were design'd for Butteries or rather Cupboards to this monster of a dining room What a Hodg-podg of the World is here Iudges and Bayliffs and Secondaries and old Women and Curates and Serjeants and Bishops and Young Heirs and Shâ—â—es and Stockins Gloves Ribbons Rattles and Law-books Felons Sollicitors Pick-pockâ—ts Attourneys Whores Sempstresses and honest-women Hold why hold yes I say 't and say 't again honest-Women for I was there once with Iris aâ—d I 'm so charitable at to hope there might be one more besides her ' Twou'd make one amaz'd now to consider the multitude of Women and the Paucity of honest Women The magnitude of Whores and the parâ—itude dwidlingness or exiguity of truly virtuous Creatures through this nasty stinking World O London London If thou art not one Sodom and Gomorrha thou yet com'st pretty near it Thou art a Turnbul street and Lewkâ—ors Lane from one end of thee even to the other Wâ—stminster-Hall Whores Channel-row Whores White-Hall the Guards Charing cross Whores the Strand Whores Temple-Bar Whores Fleet street Whores but none after you come within Ludgate what our end of the Town palluted our Civil Laborious Citizens give their Minds to any thing of that Nature no Fough alas the very mention on 't turns any modest stomack and brings up all the green and yellow ropey stuff fat eggs and snottyglib soft substance from his Chin to his Navil Not that I speak any ill at all of any place in the World by way of experience no all the World knows Kainophilus better I mean all that do know me and that you know's the same thing to me I protest I was so far from any such thing that when ever I walk't through Cheapside it self that Civil modest place if 't were but a little in night I always kept my hands in my Pocket for fear any of these men catchers shouâ—d truss me up under their Arms and run away with me for Evander was a pretty little boy and how easily might a great Termagent Whore kidnap him at that raâ—e carry him away from his careful Master get him into some blind hole and ravish him and there he 'd be undone for ever Westminster Ho! I 'm but just in Palace-Yard all this while Pa ace Yard That 's the Gate-house at the sign of the flâ—ing-shooe there see what we must all come to To wear shooes I mean not to angle with ' em How many Journeys had this poor shooe wanderd how Indesatigably had it Rambled for alas 't is all worn with labour before it came to this sad Condition And yet after all to come to beg it's bread in it's old Age. 'T is a sad thing to think on Well were I a Privy-Councellor or a leading Parliament 〈◊〉 among many other excellent projects I shou'd always be hammering out for the good of my Countrey I wou'd certainly promote some Laws or other to prevent that Inundation of Beggars which overflow this plentiful Country and plague it as much as the Lice did Egypt and try if 't were not possible to free our
Arms Hangings or any thing besides And that is The much Eating and no Fighting three hundred and sixty four thousand Bushels of Wheat in a year very well Life has a lusty staff and will hardly fall for want of Bread seven thousand Sheep very well fifteen thousand Yoke of Oxen O Beef Eaters Hens Pullers and Chickens innumerable forty six thousand six hundred and forty pound a great many years ago and Butter's n't lov'd now less than 't was then all this is very well but what shall we do for Drink Why a Man will ne're choak where there 's six hundred Tun of Wine and seventeen hundred of Beer broach'd in a Twelve-month But that delicate wise sage Law that there must be no Fighting there The very thoughts on 't does my Heart good methinks Kainophilus is so safe when he 's in that Blessed Palace How happy wou'd he count himself if all London nay all the World were but like it well does he deserve to have his Hand cut off that strikes his Innocent Neighbour and I 'll willingly hold both mine out for that purpose if you ever catch 'em Fighting either there or any where else What d' ye think of a walk at St. James's Park agreed 't is a curious place that 's the truth on 't The Canal the Carriages the Statue the Owls the Walks the Mall the Ladies and fine things I saw there quite dazled my Eyes to look upon ' em So I took 'em off again being quite asham'd to see so many painted and patcht Creatures Squint and Ogle at me as if they 'd ha' devour'd me so I made haste and run the Gauntlet thro' 'em all coming out at the Pallace resolv'd for the Hay-Market and Charing-Cross But i' my way thither met with the pleasantest Sign that ever Man lookt upon 'T was a Man I think or somewhat like one with one Shoulder over his Head the t'other down at his Hâ—â—l his Toe turn'd back to his Neck and his Fore-finger at the top of the Cieling and Posture-Clark wriâ—under This Whim's worth seeing in stept Vâ—nder and found a Bottle of good Wine there and for the Diversion of Gentlemen saw all the Tricks and heard the Stories some of which you shall hear as well as I once upon a time he was drinking with some Gentlemen in a Room next the â—treet and saw a very Beavish Fellow pass by full of â—â—msâ—lf up to the Brim and as great he look'd as he was able to hold Come Gentlemen says Posture for a Guâ—nâ—a I hit that Fellow over the Paâ—e with a Broom-staff and he ne're touches me again art Mad why he 'll certainly whip thee thro' the Lungs or Nail thee to the Wall I 'll venture it Down he goes comes behind the Spark and takes him a thump in the Paâ—e that almost fell'd him round turns he with his Sword half out and sees nothing as he thought but a perfect Natural the subtle Rogue having so alter'd the very Muscles of his Face that any one wou'd have Sworn he had been Born a Changeling he slaver'd and dangled his Hands while his Eyes lookt-like a couple of Stones and his Broom-staff between his Legs and he lolling upon 't and staring his Enemy in the Face who no sooner saw what a sort of a thing he was going to run thro' but he claps up his Sword again and swore heartily if he had n't been a Fool hâ—â—'d have ript up the Guâ—â— of him Aâ—other time either a certain Taylor had angred him or he was resolv'd to be merry with him he sends for him to take measure for a Suit of Cloaths telling him he was somewhat crooked as he might see and having heard he was an ingenious Fellow for rectifying such disorders had sent for him I war'nt you Master quo ' Monsieur Le Fisk I 'm the best in England at it you know the little Person o' Quality the length of whose Tongue supplies that of his Body why I have boulster'd him up that he looks as strâ—â—ght as an Arrow very well out come Scissâ—â—s and Parchment he takes measure of one whose Right Shoulder waâ— out â—or Clark has as great a command of all the Ioints of his Body as Muscles of his Face 'T is done you shall have it next Saturday without fail 'T is brought home acsording to order He try'd it on you dull Dog quo' â—lark cou'd n't you remember which Shoulder 't was for now he had put t'other out Master I 'll Swear I was never so mistaken i' my Life well I 'll go home and alter'â— presently away he goes brings it again and finds both Shoulders out Clark Swore then worse than at the first why you shrid of Mankind did n't you see I was Hump-backt well I 'll stake my Life on 't I please you this bout home he takes it once more and when he brings it back Clark was as strait as an Arrow The poor Taylor stares round on his Head Back both sides and finding 't was the very same Person who he was sure the first time he saw him had one Shoulder out of order the second the other the third both and now all right again stoâ—d still a little while and said nothing at length cry'd out 'T is the Devil that 's certain threw down the Cloaths and downâ—tairs he scamper'd as if Satan had really been clapping him upon the Shoulder Well if you laugh at these Stories as much as I did they 'll do you more good than a course of Physick or a quarter of a years drinking the Waters But I can't stay my time 's almost at an end my Book 's almost done and I find the Bulk grows upon me and yet I 've almost three quarters of London yet to Survey therefore away Ramble I to Charing-cross as fast as if I 'd mounted behind his Majesty himself a top of his black Courser and a little faster for I 've a fancy I can walk better than that Beast tho' scarce leap so well for 't was a terrible way from a deep Cellar I know not how many yards under-ground to skip up higher than a Balcony Sir I trotted oâ— about a quarter of an hour longer till I came to Summerset-House and being no Justice of Peace nor Knight it being besides in the middle of the day ventur'd in among ' em 'T is a curious Pile of Buildings erected by Edward Duke of Summerset Unkle to King Edward the Sixth in the year 1549. It has a pleasant tho' small Garden and some walks between that and the Waters side on which it 's very delectably seated as you may see if you 'll take a pair of Oars and go thither By which you 'll have the advantage into the Bargain of a view of the Savoy that Famous School of the Jesuits to whom some you may guess how good Protestants sent their Children to be instructed no Protestant or Englishman having Learning enough for 'em by that wonderful Scholar Poultâ—â—
Thou' rt not in haste and seek all o're O seek all o're that various pack Thou bear'st upon thy brawny Back Seek o're those long Gazets which oft Thy Claws from distant Fields have brought Put on thy Spectacles and proceed Though 't is not ev'ry Bird can read Confess the Truth and be sincere In all the Libraries which are Well stuff'd with Books thou seek'st all o're Say Buzzard didst e're see the like before O! B for Critick who with envious Eye On what thou canst not mend dost prye Find one Errata if you can In all this pretty Map of Man Vander in Minature for this Is the true Microcosm of his Seek seek all o're from Heel to Chin If thou canst find a fault therein O! B for Bookseller discreet The Hawkers all thy coming greet See how they gape in ev'ry Street Waiting the last the happy Sheet See how they croud about the Door See how they seek and seek all o're What Advertisement needs there more See how they 're all prepar'd to roar And cry thy Book as heretofore Their Throats the Scholar's Maggots tore Whose Face to th' Life is drawn before With so much Beauty thine has hardly more So have I seen in Summer Eve Greats we'll with Smalls compare A Tripe-wife washing her fair Tripes Though not so fair as her She scrubs and scrubbs and turns 'em round And seeks and seeks all o're And though she has whole Cart-loads found Still seeks and seeks for more Whilst all the little Silver Fry Which in the Water play Caper and Dance and frisk on high To catch the golden prey Then with it to some hole they flye Shake hands and part like you and I Kindly each other bid Good b'w'y ' Make a Leg and a Bow and away Well may the World go seek all o're And thus lament in vain Two such wise Folks ne're met before Nor e're shall meet again A Poetical DIALOGVE between the Author of these Rambles and the discourteous Reader Reader JOhn Vander Iohn Vander O where hast thou been O! Vander Iohn Vander Iohn what hast thou seen Author Heaven and Earth Sea and Land all the World I 've been tost on Nor lain still a wink from Graffham to Boston Reader Declare it nor spare it for a Trav'ler may do 't Upon such Authority none can dispute Author Not I Sir for why Sir my Book it will spoil Take Counsel and buy Sir if your Cares you 'd beguile Reader O No Sir for so Sir I shall never ha' done w' ye Nor is any so dangerous as a Surfeit on Honey St. Brandon A Famous Trav'ler of whom the Golden Legend treats to the Author A Pindarick FRom the dark abode of Hell From Purgatory Frying-pan and Limbo-Fire From every a Kettle deep Where many a greasie Fire Grim Pitch-fork Feens in their own Gravy steep I Come strange News to tell O're Hedge and Ditch of old I ran Through Earth and Air and Sea and Shore Further than either Devil or Man Since or before In Witches and In Faery-Land Where er'e my lying Monk was pleas'd to Willo'the-wisp me round Poor Iudas I saw in a pitiful case His Lodging was on the cold ground But I did not envy his place Tho' he sat on a Stone to cool his Face O hone O hone Sure 't was a Whet-stone Then a Shipboard I went to my cost Where I tho' a Saint like a Dog in a Blanket was tost She strikes She strikes six foot water in hold Pray Pray while you may for your Mouths will quickly be cold She 's lost She 's lost For want of a Passion-miraculous Nail But I got up a Horse-back a top of a Whale I rein'd him in strong And still kept my Seat tho' the Stirups were a little too long Nor cou'd his curvetting prevail All this and more did me betide Or else my Monk has foully ly'd Yet so much worth does in thy Labours shine My Legend Great Don Iohn must yield to thine My Lady of Loretto's Chappel to the Author WOnder not that you hear my Tongue Although I have not us'd it long Why shou'd you think 't a greater Lye That I can Talk than that I fly May Thunder my Foundations strike If both of 'em been't true alike My Rambles well enough are known And what fine Slight-of-hand I 've shown Where Grazing's done I ne're wou'd stay Like Tartar Carts bait and away Some Hocus Angel whips me thence Prasto I 'm gone like Latten-Pence They 've us'd me kindly where I am Or else long since I 'd gi'n 'em the sham And fled to th'place from whence I came Long I upon my Honour stood Knowing I was of Rambling wood Nay durst have undertook a Course With Pacolet's or Astolfo's Horse Since at three standing Jumps D' ye smile I reacht at least Three thousand Mile Which burn me if I say not true Is more than ev'ry House can do But thou alas hast me out-done And all my ancient Trophies won Thy Heel and Head which much more rare is From Pole to Pole danc't the Canaries Thy Rambles worn in ev'ry Pocket Will put my Nose quite out of socket And whilst poor Fame is out of breath Will make me blush my self to death The simple Cobler of Agawam to the Author of these Rambles There is a certain Trav'ler acomming yet behind Will ride the Reader off his Legs and break his Wind. WEre not my Friendship most sincere To please you I 'd not write so far Tho' I retain an earnest Passion For the good Authors of my Nation Who I presage shall never want one While they deal well with young Vander's Son Since Letters then with the discerning Are held the Liâ—e and Soul of Learning Since yours must needs be most delighting who 'd still a pretty knack at Writing Whose easie Periods never hobled Sometimes Translated but ne're Cobled Here le ts begin and one help t'other As oft has many a better Author 'T is done how strong how blest are we Beaumont and Fletcher Bays and Lee I 'll the Chance-Customers attend And cry Old Songs and Books to mend You most the Chamber-practice plying Shall only mind Transmogriphying A VOYAGE Round the WORLD OR A Pocket-Library VOL. II. CHAP. I. The Explanation of the First Book of these Rambles and the Design of the whole Some foolish Objections Answer'd THough the World has been pretty just to the First Volume of Evander's Rambles the Sale thereof not coming beneath his Expectations or its own Deserts all such as have a true taste of Wit and Humour justly hugging and admiring it yet some Objections there are and have been made against it either by the Envy or Folly of some Persons in the World the most of 'em 't is true below our notice which therefore we shall answer as great Persons use to do by saying ne're a word nor so much as vouchsafing 'em mention in these Immortal Writings One only thing there is which more for the sake
of peace and Quietness for Decency Profit and such prudential Considerations lest it should obstruct the rolling forward of the other Two and twenty Globes yet behind in the Frontispiece and spoil the Sale of this and what comes after thereby cheating the World of a most inestimable Treasure now just ready to pop into their Libraries I say for such like Causes as these rather than any Necessity in the nature of the thing Evander Kainophilus and the Author laying their Heads together have resolved to give a sound and formal Answer that all the little snarful Criticks may for ever after hold their peace or have their Dogs Teeth broke out by the dint of ponderous Argument The main Objection then against this First Book last past as well as the whole Design is thus proposed by some wise ones namely That they don't know what to make on 't They can neither find beginning nor ending head nor tail nor can't for their Lives tell what the Author wou'd be at what he drives at or intends in part or whole What use what profit what account it turns to what 't is good for how it answers the Name how to reconcile Book and Title and make 'em kin to one another A Pocket-Library a Trap-stick 't is why ' tis'n't so much as a Catalogue and my Pocket is already sufficiently furnish't quoth one Spark with a Manuscript-Library of my own or Mistresses or Letters from Kainophil eternally to supply some certain Uses which only this new Library is like to be employed in However Paper is'n't yet so dear a Man must give Eighteen pence for a Weeks wiping Out you filthy Fellow you offend the nice Evander and deserve to remain as long imprison'd in the nasty place you prate of as the Iew who wou'd not come out on his own Sabbath But we shall have them anon and my Author has a Pen will firk ye if he setteth about it A Voyage round the World this quoth another Umph but what Page shall we find it in The Author has quite forgot it shatter'd the business out of his thin Skull and as the Panegyrist before him bin graciously pleas'd to ramble to somewhat else Here 's indeed a parcel of odd nonsensical Tales of Graffham and Dungrove and a Country Bumkin coming to London and flying in the Air and I know not what but what 's all this all this while to a Voyage about the World Why this is ten times worse than a Battel in Stylo recitativo The Man writes Short-hand quoth another witty Rogue and abbreviates Books into Pages them into Sentences and them into Words and between his Doggrel-Philosophy Prose and Poetry has shovel'd up such a Hodg-potch of stuff here as wou'd make a Hermit tear his Beard to hear it Very well when ye are out of breath 't is hop'd a Man may get room to speak for himself The first grave Complaint against this useful profitable ingenious admirable Book with modesty be it spoken is That People don't know what to make on 't And what if they don't Evander supposes 't would puzzle a good Logician to Analogyze all the famous History of the renowned Knight of the Mancha especially now P s has made nonscence on 't by shifting the Scene one Page in Spain and the next in England Perhaps I had never any mind you should know that I mean nor what to make on 't there lies all the Jest sometimes and why might not I intend my Book after the Tune of I lent my Mony to my Friend Or Riddle me Riddle me If Evander had obliged the World with the Second Edition of the Horn-book a Primmer in Folio or a new Protestant Tutor in Twenty four Volumes then 't had been enough to let the World have known what to make on 't Who knows not that those things are most admired which are least understood Unless the Infallible Church her self be foully out Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion nay it may be as much policy for me to have my Book unintelligible as for them to have their Prayers and all the rest of their Religion Not that I 'm a Papist for all that No I abominate both Flogging and Fasting as against the Light of Nature and as bad as Transubstantiation one of 'em as great an enemy to my Back as 'tother to my Belly but for Illustration or so now and then 't is lawful to pick a Flower if one can find it from e're a Dunghil in Christendom This supposing they could not understand it as another great Person said in a like case some years past I am't bound to find Sence both for my Book and my Readers 'T would be enough if I my self understood it whether others do so or no. And that I do I am my self the properest Judge But that the World mayn't think me morose or envious and to evidence the goodness of my Nature by its being so communicative I 'll e'ne for once make others as happy as my self Kainophilus will tweak the World 's great Nose open its Basin-Eyes lug its stubborn Ears and lead it into the most intimate meaning of all those precious things laid up in the sacred Archieves of those his admirable Works past present and to come He undertakes so clearly to demonstrate the pleasure profit and excellent advantage of the Premisses as to perswade any thing but an Vsurer to purchase 'em and lay 'em under the Pillow every night as Alexander did Homer He 'll prove as much beyond contradiction That 't is a true actual Voyage round the World ev'ry Word and Paragraph therein as Authentick as the renowned Mandevil and as Moral as the famous History of Reynard the Fox or the last Edition of the same Book disguised under the Title of the Hind and Panther And that in all these Heads the Design is carried on constantly the Method not confused though somewhat Cryptical and requiring a little study to crack the Shell and get out the Kernel The Frontispiece the Explanation the Title-page and Introduction make all this appear without any trouble of telling it The intent of the whole as therein appears being to give a Iournal of Life and a Description of the wide World and some Memoirs relating to the Actions of one particular Person from his Cradle to his Grave into which all the rest is most subtilly woven But who that Person is let none be so hasty to affirm Those who dare be so presumptuous we shall meet with 'em in the next Chapter and perhaps more severely in other places if they don't mend their Manners and mind their own Business Now this single Life whose soever 't is is Hieroglyphically delineated in the Twenty four Globes of the Frontispiece none but his own actual Rambles having the honour to be insculpt thereon wherein you see he is carried through all the Scenes of Life from his coming bare-b ' d into the World to his going in like manner out on 't which you
a Beast I 'd be with all my heart were I to chuse what sort for what a heavenly Creature is an Elephant that can suck in a whole Tun at a Gulp He would have gone on I believe at the same rate if I had not interrupted him and in the next place wish'd himself a Whale that he might drink whole Seas and spout 'em out agen I confess said I I expected not any thing that look'd like Reason from ye and 't is meerly your goodness since 't is more than a Beast is bound to give for his Actions and such it seems you think or wish your self to be You ask whether there 's any evil in being merry with a Friend I readily answer No but there is in being mad with ' em Look but what wonderful mirth there is among ye Is not he very merry there that lies with his Heels upwards against the Frame of the Table or that other pair so well matcht excellent Company for themselves and the Hogs who in their drunken kindness kiss'd and slabber'd one another so long till they did the last indeed See else where they wallow half drown'd in the nasty irruptions of their own Stomachs Or that Spark in the other corner a very pleasant Companion who has been quarrelling and fighting all round till the Liquor and some of his Fellow-Drunkards together has knockt him down a-cross one of his Brethren in the same condition And for those that still make shift to keep upon their Legs or Stools are they not extreamly merry and divertive who sit nodding one against another like the stinking Snuff of a Candle when 't is just going out in the over-heated Socket But alas you design only to heighten Nature to exalt and cheer it not quite sink and drown it at the rate that these have done And how often pray have they seen you in the same fine Circumstances that you do them When you are once got beyond the Barrieres of Temperance and Modesty you can no more stop your self than after you are faln from the top of a Tower you can stay betwixt that and the ground ' Tiâ— lawful to be chearful no body denies it and sometimes necessary too but can't a Man be so without beating the Watch and allarming all the Tenement Or is there no difference as an ingenious Man asks you between going up to your Chamber and riding upon the ridge of your house All nature teaches us Sobriety not Intemperance nothing in the World has too much moisture but it suffers for 't and quickly rots if it ben't dry'd agen The very Rivers and Sea the greatest Topers in the Vniverse drink no more than suffices 'em nay and that not so much for their own sakes as others the Rivers only suck in moisture for the Sea and the Sea agen for the Rivers unless we 'll say this is not like Liquors in the Stomach something preternatural but like that in the Veins in a regular circulation to preserve the whole An Elephant drinks a great deal and need enough there is of a large swallow which has so large a Body but what only slakes his thirst would burst a Horse to pieces or any smaller Animal none drinking beyond their proportion there being no Beasts in the World that will be drunk as Naturalists report but a Swine and a Man who are then fit company for one another and worthy no place but a Hog-stye On which account you well enough give your Bottle the Epithet of Charming for its Operation is just the same with what the Enchantress Circe's Boles produc'd charming Men into Hogs Your calling your Bottle Charming puts me in mind of a pretty Criticism I have some where or other met with 'T is that the old Iewish Conjurers used to make use of a Bottle call'd in their language Ob either to keep the Devil in or which is much the same to receive or give Oracles out on 't which were mutter'd in a deep hollow Voice Nor has the Devil yet left that way of enchanting the World There 's a strange odd passage in that well attested Relation of the Demon of Mascon One of the Spectators of his Pranks seeing a Bottle dance about the room and hearing a Voice come from thence gat hold of it when immediately the â—oise was transferr'd to another part of the room and the Devil fell a laughing very merrily and speaking to the Person who took up the Bottle askt him if he thought him such a Fool to stay there since if he had but clapt his Finger in and stopt the mouth on 't he 'd have held him imprison'd there and he could by no means have got out agen Whether the old â—yar kept to his trade and told a Lye here or no is not much material but this is certain there 's something like it true in the case we are talking of While this charming Bottle oâ— yours is close stopt the Devil can do no feats with 't but if once 't is open'd he dances about the room to some purpose The young Divine cries one of the Company he talks as peremptorily of the Devil here aâ— if he were one of his familiar Acquaintance First prove there 's a God before you tell us all these Tales of the Devil for we believe one no more than t'other Don't come to us with your antiquated Tales of Vertue and Vice and Heaveâ— and Hell and Good and Evil we have bin past believing any such old Wives Tales for many a fair year Our Pleasure is our Religion our Body all of of us this Life our Heaven and when that 's done there 's an end of us That would be rare News to you I confess if you could prove it replied Evander as easily as I can what you have now blasphemously but according to your own practice politickly enough deny'd for I 'm sure he 's a greater Contradiction to himself than any pretended ones he e're found out in Religion who believes those things you have now talk'd of and yet live as you do Tell me ye Atheists who sounded the firsâ— march and retreat to the Tide Hither shalt thou come and no further When the Winds are not only wild in a Storm but even stark mad in an Hurricano who is it that restores them again to their wits and brings them a-sleep in a Calm Who made the mighty Whales who swim in a Sea of Water and have a Sea of Oyl swimming in them Who first taught the Water to imitate the Creatures on Land so that the Sea is the Stable of Horse Fishes the Stall of Kine Fishes the Stye of Hog Fishes and the Kennel of Dog Fishes and in all things the Sea the Ape of the Land Was not God the first Ship-wright and are not all Vessels on the Water descended from the Loyns or Ribs rather of Noah's Ark or else who durst be so bold with a few crooked Boards nayl'd together a Stick standing upright and a Rag tied to it
shalt thou eat thy bread Solomon's Princess eats not the bread of idleness St. Paul laboured The High-Priests among the Iews had and the Great Mogul at this time hath a Trade at which as I heard in Leiden he is to labour every day And you may take notice that she is set out to us as skill'd in Cookery whose Brother was Solomon in all his glory Shall we eat and not work Shall we yawn away our precious hours Shall we think with the Lillies which neither spin nor labour our cloaths will grow upon us Alas Idleness is the Mother of all Mischief St. Austin says That he that is employed is tempted with one Devil but he that is Idle with a thousand I heard whilst I was in Holland of so great a Sluggard that as 't was said he never saw the Sun rising or setting in his whole life but would usually tell it for News at Noon that the Sun was up I remember I have read in an Italian History of one so Idle that he was fain to have one to help him to stir his Chaps when he should eat his Meat Such is the vileness of the Age we live in that Idleness is counted an Ornament and the greatest gentility is to do nothing whereas 't is Action only that is noble and not only the Celestial Bodies are in continual motion but he that is most high is Purissimus actus and besides the Contemplation of his own Goodness is ever at work in Acts of Providence and government of his Creatures 'T is Action that does keep the Soul both sweet and sound There is a kind of good Angel waiting upon diligence that ever carries a Lawrel in his Hand to Crown her The bosom'd Fist beckons the approach of Poverty but the lifted Arm does frighten Want How unworthy was that Man to live in the World of whom it was said He ne're did ought but only liv'd and dy'd Diligence and Moderation doubtless are the best steps to mount up to Preferment A Man is neither good nor wise nor rich at once yet softly creeping up those hills he shall every day better his Prospect till at last he gains the Top. A poor Man in Boston once found the Tag of a Point and put it in the lap of his Shirt One ask'd him what he could do with it He answers What I find all the year though it be never so little I lay it up at home till the years end and with all together I every New-years-day add a Dish to my Cup-board He that has the Patience to attend small Profits usually grows a great Man Polemon ready to die would needs be laid in his Grave alive and seeing the Sun shine he calls his Friends in haste to hide him lest as he said it should see him lying Seneca wou'd have a Man do something though it be to no purpose The Turks enjoyn all Men of what degree soever to be of some Trade The Grand Signior himself is not excus'd Mahomet the Turk he that Conquer'd Greece at the very time when he heard Embassadors did either Carve or Cut wooden Spoons or Frame something upon a Table This present Sultan makes Notches for Bows Cunus the Noble Roman was sound by the Fire-side seething of Turnips when the Samnite Embassador came for Audience Iulian the Emperor was ashamed any Man should see him Spit or Sweat because he thought continual labour should have concocted and dried up all such Superfluities Artaxerxes made Hafts for Knives Bias made Lanthorns Homer sung Ballads Aristotle was a Corn-cutter and Domitian the Emperour having no Rambles to write spent his time in killing Flies with a Bodkin Nicias the Painter was often so intent on his Trade as to forget Food and omit the reception of Nature's support Alexander never slept save with his Arm stretcht out of the Bed holding in his Hand a Silver Ball having a Silver Bason by his Bed-side that lest he slept too securely the falling of the Ball might awake him to Battle But why should I multiply Examples of this kind seeing here are enough to convince the Lazy how glorious a Vertue Diligence is and to authorize my Practice in writing my own Life and Travels seeing Emperors Kings and Nobles have employed their time on as trivial Subjects Montaigne says That nothing can be so absurdly said that has not been said before by some of the Philosophers And I am the more willing to expose my Whimsies to the Publick forasmuch as though they are spun out of my self and without any Pattern I know they will be found related to some ancient humour and some will not stick to say See whence he took it 'T is true I cannot deny but in this Book there are many things that may perhaps one day have bin made known to me by other Writers but if they have I have utterly forgot by whom But say they were all Collections Is the Honey the worse because the Bee sucks it out of many Flowers Or is the Spider's Web the more to be prais'd because it is extracted out of her own Bowels Wilt thou say the Taylor did not make the Garment because the Cloth it was made of was weav'd by the Weaver Therefore let no body insist upon the Matter I write but my Method in writing If I have borrowed any thing let them observe in what I borrow if I have known how to chuse what is proper to raise or relieve the Invention which is always my own for if I steal from others 't is that they may say for me what either for want of Language or want of Sence I cannot my self express 'T is true I have always an Idea in my Soul which presents me a better form than what I have in this Book made use of but I cannot catch it nor fit it to my purpose I can neither please nor delight my self much less ravish any one The best Story in the World would be spoyl'd by my handling If therefore I transplant any of others Notions into my own soil and confound them among my own I purposely conceal the Author to awe the temerity of those precipitous Censures that fall upon all sorts of Writings I will have my Reader wound Plutarch through my sides and rail against Seneca when they think they rail at me I must shelter my own weakness under these great Reputations But though there is nothing in this Book I have cudgel'd my Brains about yet I must confess during my ' Prenticeship I was a kind of Persecutor of Nature and would fain then have chang'd the dull Lead of my Brain into finer Mettal And to speak the truâ—h I have ever had a strange hankering after Learning but to atchieve it Nature was too kind to me she hope me to nothing but Patience and a Body yet what I have I usually have perfect for I read it so long before I can understand it that I get it without book 'T is confest I am a
him a breath a little Scene to Monarchize be fear'd and kill with looks infusing into him with self and vain conceit as if the Flesh which walls about his life were Brass impregnable but being a little while humoured thus Comes Death at last and with a little Pin Bores through his Castle Walls and farewel King What though it does appear We came in with the Conqueror Impartial Death will no Excuses hear Valour and Wit Magnificence and State Are sorry Pleas to unrelenting Fate Which quickly will this fatal truth evince How little less a Beggar 's than a Prince One way or other all must die The Peasant and the Crowned Head The same dark Path must tread And in the same cold Earth both undistinguisht lie Whilest the sad Soul her Voyage takes Through gloomy Fens and Stygtan Lakes Vnable to procure a longer stay Into Eternal Exile sails away Now he that seeks satisfaction in the highest enjoyments in the World as in Honours and Grandeur of Condition how soon does his mind nauseate the Pleasures of it and how quickly does he feel the thinness of a popular breath Those that are so fond of Applause while they pursue it how little do they taste it when they have it like Lightning it flashes on the Face and is quickly gone and 't is a wonder if it leaves not a blast behind it 'T is true it is fit and necessary that some Persons in the World should be in love with a splendid Servitude yet certainly they must be much beholding to their own fancy that they can be pleased at it For he that rises up early and goes to Bed late only to receive Addresses to read and answer Petitions is really as much tied and abridged in his freedom as he that waits all that time to present one In a word if it is a pleasure to be envy'd and shot at to be malign'd standing and to be despised falling and to endeavour that which is impossible which is to please all and to suffer for not doing it then is it a pleasure to be Great These are Truths verified by the best of Demonstration which is the woful Experience of the highest Favourites of Fortune in all Ages Let Seneca speak for all in his incomparable Ode on this Subject In truth says he to see our Kings sit all alone at Table environ'd with so many Servants prating about them and so many Strangers staring upon them as they always are I have often been moved rather to pity than to envy their Condition It would never sink into my fancy that it could be of any great benefit to the Life of a Man of sence to have twenty People prating about him when he is at Stool So that in truth the advantages of Sovereignty are upon the matter little more than imaginary Well I have thought on 't and I find This busie World is nonsence all I here despair to please my mind Her sweetest Honey is so mixt with Gall. Well then I 'll try how 't is to be alone Live to my self a while and be my own Here in this shady lovely Grove I sweetly Think my hours away Neither with Business vext nor Love Which in the World bear such tyrannick sway Let Plots and News embroil the State Pray what 's that to my Books and me What ever be the Kingdoms fate Here I 'm sure to enjoy a Monarchy Lord of my self accontable to none Like the first Man in Paradise alone Th' uneasie Pageantry of State And all the plagues to thought and sence Are far removed I 'm plac'd by fate Out of the Road of all Impertinence Thus though my fleeting Life run swiftly on 'T will not be short because 't is all my own Then let us go and talk of Wills and not of Births and Grandure And yet not so for what can we bequeath save our dull Bodies to the ground our Lands and Lives if we are Loyal are the King 's and nothing can we call our own but Death and that small model of the barren Earth which serves as Paste and Cover to our Bones And thus Reader you see many Liberties may be taken in a private condition that are dangerous in a publick I can walk alone where I please without a Sword without Fear without Company I can go and come eat and drink without being taken notice of What with our open and secret Enemies we are never secure but these are the Infelicities and Miseries of Courts not of Cottages Servitude is the Fate of Palaces What are Crowns and Scepters but Golden Fetters and Splendid Miseries which if Men did but truly understand there would be more Kingdoms than Kings to govern them A great Fortune is a great Slavery and Thrones are but uneasie Seats If Heaven shall vouchsafe me such a Blessing that I may enjoy my Grotta with content I can look upon all the great Kingdoms of the Earth a so many little Birds-Nests And I can in such a Territory prude my self as much as Alexander did when he fancied the whole World to be one great City and his Camp the Castle of it If I were advanced to the Zenith of Honour I am at the best but a Porter constellated to carry up and down the World a vile Carkass I confess my Mind the nobler part of me now and then takes a walk in the large Campaign of Heaven and there I contemplate the Vniverse the Mysterious Concatenation of Causes and the stupendious Efforts of the Almighty in consideration whereof I can chearfully bid 〈◊〉 to the World Depone hoc apud te nunquam plus agere Sapientem quam cum in conspectu ejus Divina atque Humana venerunt You will find by Experience which is the best Looking-glass of Wisdom that a private Life is not only more pleasant but more happy than any Princely State Then Happy the Man who his whole time doth bound With th' inclosure of his little ground Happy the Man whom the same humble place Th' Hereditary Cottage of his Race From his first rising Infancy has known And by degrees sees gently bending down With natural propension to that Earth Which both preserv'd his Life and gave him Birth Him no false distant Lights by Fortune set Could ever into foolish Wandrings get He never Danger either saw or fear'd The dreadful Storms at Sea he never heard He never heard the shrill Alarms of War Or the worse Noises of the Lawyers Barr No change of Consuls marks to him the Year The change of Seasons is his Callender The Cold and Heat Winter and Summer shows Autumn by Fruits and Spring by Flowers he knows He measures Time by Land-marks and has found For the whole Day the Dial of his Ground This Man the Day by his own Orb doth prize In the same Field his Sun doth set and rise He knows an Oak a Twig and walking thither Beholds a Wood and he grown up together A neighbouring Elm born with himself he sees And
may see most pleasantly describ'd in the Twenty fourth and last Globe Through all which and every part of it you 'l find Directions for management of your self in any state of Life School-boy Prentice Traveller Soldier not too much tho' of that Lover Tradesman and what not with many pleasant and useful Digressions with or without Occasion some of which will cure the Melancholy if not as deep as any in Bedlam That ever any Man in his Senses but all are not Evanders should question the Usefulness of this Design and the past or following Volumes That in the first place 't was highly useful to Me which none need doubt I think the principal Verb I can assure 'em by my own Experience t' has turn'd a penny these hard times and the Thing Design and Method being all new and diverting has taken so well I have no reason to be sorry of having obliged the World since that has done as much by me agen an Evidence of which as well as of my Gratitude for it is this Second Volume Nor let any be so unjust to think the Usefulness of this Work is confined to the Author alone though Charity begins at home his design being more generous and communicative and tending to the profit of others as well as himself upon more accounts than two or three The first is because 't is so pleasant so diverting so tickling and all that to those who do but understand the whim on 't To see a Man describ'd and not describ'd playing Bo-peep with the World and hiding himself behind his Fingers like Merry Andrew clapping his Conjuring-Cap on and then crying Who sees me now thrusting his Head into a Bush and like a cunning sort of a Bird that comes from the Moon whither he is to take a Voyage in one of these odd Books and then defying all the World as Pembrook did to know him by his t'other end I say to see this ingenious Author as close under the name of Kainophilus as Achates and Aeneas in the Cloak of Venus seeing every Body and hearing what Folks say and censure of him and none seeing or hearing him What in the World can be a more pleasant Spectacle or better deserving the Motto over the door where this monstrous sight is to be seen Spectatum admissi risum teneatis amici But alas Evander's Person though diverting enough is far from being all the pleasant Humours of this Book Here are not only wise Ones but Fools of all sorts and sizes Cit. Fools and Bumkin Fools Prodigal Fools and Flint-fisted Fools Old Young and Middle-aged Quarto's Folio's and Decimo-Sexto's enough to furnish all the Shops from Temple-Bar to the Poultrey-Counter and if all this choice won't please ye your Stomachs must be too quâ—asie ever to eat Porridge with Evander How many Comical Remarks and Merry Fancies are stuck all over the Book like an Orange with Cloves a Lover with Flowers or a Mad-man with Straws or Feathers not to add a Traveller with Rambling Tales and Romances What think ye else of Evander's Character written by himself at the beginning of the Book an inimitable Piece and a Design hardly ever before attempted and that with as much Justice to himself as Diversion to the Reader What say ye Mr. Critick to all the Poetry which shines through every part of it as thick as the Stars in the milky way or the Vertues and Graces of the incomparable Iris Of the admirable and surprizing Novelty of both Matter and Method representing a Book made as it were out of nothing and yet containing every thing the sweetness of the Groves the pleasantness of the Country the purling of Streams and harmony of the Birds and whistling of the Winds and singing of the Cuckoes and Meditations of Evander Then o' t'other side the Grandeur of the City described in a method wholly new of which more anon and all the Rarities therein described the Stateliness of its Palaces the Magnificence of its Churches and the Honesty of its Booksellers which singular Subject richly merits a Volume as big as all Tostatus together But alas is here for want of room wedg'd up into one or two single Chapters though neither the last Book nor this nor their own nor all the Shops nor Walls in London or the World that 's a bold word are either strong enough or large enough or weighty enough to contain it But all this while how will I make profit of what 's only pleasant Why as easily as I make this Book and that before it If Pleasure be the chief Good as some Philosophers perhaps defensively and innocently enough if rightly taken have asserted then whatever is pleasant must undoubtedly contain all other goods under them and among them the profitable ones But not to mount the Argument above the vulgar Readers heads and perhaps my own too 't is plain enough that what 's so pleasant as this must needs be profitable too another way to the Body by chearing the Spirits sweetning the Blood dispelling black melancholy Fumes and making it as brisk as a Prentice just out of his Time a Crack't Tradesman newly Set-up again a jolly young Bridegroom on the Wedding-night or a fair Bride the next morning Then to the Mind what more innocently diverting keeping from a hundred worse Employments at once delighting and profiting and mingling utile dulci so exactly that there sha'nt be a scruple over or under on either side though weighed in Apollo's own Ballance Thus ye see how profitable the Book had been though t 'had been only pleasant But perhaps the grum sort of Readers will find fault with 't for that very cause they must have somewhat sowerer and stiffer to humour their Iackboot-Iudgments something that will bear reading a hundred times over without ever growing thread-bare that may exalt the Judgment improve the Mind and all that This they only call profit and without this it s beneath their supercilious Worships leisure so much as to cast a glance upon 't Well all this they shall have to please the grave Sirs whom by the leave of their Beards we must quarrel with for not acting like themselves condemning what they have never read or not sufficiently reflected on For which reason Kainophilus must be again forced to do violence on his modesty and point to the particular choice Jewels enshrined in this rich Cabinet by which may be easily guess'd how gravely and sagely he could have discours'd from one end to t'other wou'd the World have born it as easily as all Hercules is measur'd by his Foot or the former Fruitfulness of the Holy Land by some precious snips here and there to be found at this day I won't pretend to enumerate here all the sound pieces of good Philosophy Sence and Reason as strong as Love or Mustard which are scatter'd here and there all throughout the foremention'd Work though some such places I 'll direct you to for my own Credit as well as your
In my poor House though 't is a homely Cell And that without a Sigh or golden Wish I can look on my Beechen Bowl and Dish Methinks then in my heart such Riches be That Persian Kings aere Slaves compar'd with me And prithee Boy tell me Did not beggarly Crates shew a braver Spirit when he danc't and laught in his Thread-bare Coat and his Wallet at his back which was all his Wealth than Alexander when he wept because there were no more Worlds to conquer He contemn'd what this other did cry for What was great Caesar also but the same A crack-brain'd Huff that set the World in flame Who Lord of the whole Globe yet not content Lack'd Elbow-room and seem'd too closely pent What madness was 't that born to a fair Throne Where he might Rule with Justice and Renown Like a wild Robber he should chuse to roam A pitied Wretch with neither house nor home No Man can be Poor that has enough nor Rich that covets more than he has Content is all we aim at with our Store And having that with Little what needs more Alexander after all his Conquests complain'd that he wanted more Worlds He desired something more even when he had gotten all Whether is it better to have much or enrugh He that has much desires more which shews that he has not yet enough but he that has enough is at rest The richest Man that ever liv'd is poor in my opinion but he that keeps himself to the stint of Nature nor does neither feel Poverty nor fear it Nay even in Poverty it self there are some things superfluous Those which the World calls Happy that felicity is a small splendor that dazles the Eyes of the Vulgar but our rich Man is glorious and happy Within there 's no Ambition in Hunger or Thirst. Let there be Food and no matter for the Table the Dish and the Servants 'T is not for us to say this is not handsom that 's common t'other offends my Eye Nature provides for health not delicacy When the Trumpet sounds a Charge the poor Man knows that he 's not aim'd at when they cry out Fire Fire his Body is all he has to look after If he be to take a Journey there 's no blocking up of Streets and thronging of Passages for a parting Complement No Man finds Poverty a trouble to him but he that thinks it so and he that thinks it so makes it so He that is not content in Poverty would not be so neither in Plenty for the fault is not in the Thing but the Mind if that be sickly remove him from a Kennel to a Palace he 's at the same pass If there were nothing else in Poverty but the certain knowledge of our Friends it were yet a most desirable Blessing when every Man leaves us but those that love us In a word Let the Mind be great and glorious and all other things are despicable in comparison the future is uncertain and I had rather beg of my self not to desire any thing than of Fortune to bestow it As soon as she had ended her pretty Chat she drops me two or three Curtsies as low as the ground as a Token of Farewell which I soon repay'd with as many Bows as I thought so vertuous a Mind had a right in any Habit to exact And on I rambled agen admiring still at these loving Turâ—â—s whenever they came in my thoughts in hopes that some Bâ—rn or Inchanted Castle would present it self to my sight And here kind Reader stand and admire at the Good-luck of a Pennyless Rambler For behold no sooner had the Sun â—â—llaby'd the Day but I espied about a Mile off a happy Prospect of glimmering Thatch which the nearer I approacht the more visibly it appeared in the shape of a House It was call'd by way of Irony a Castle whose Governor was a decayed Taylor This Cross-legg'd Knight was as I afterwards hear'd â—mble of Foot though a Dwarf in bulk so that Nine such might well Club to the Elementing of a MAN When I came up to his House peeping in at the Windows I beheld a whole Company of Spanish Pike-men alias Pediculaâ—â—n Limb-dressers sitting in rank and file upon a long Table exercising their Small-Arms to the endangering of the life of many a â—ix-footed Animal Then turning my Eyes towards the Cupboard where methoughts I could with a million of thanks have squeezed in my â—aded Corpse for a nap or two I beheld the Master and Mistress of these Shreds of Humanity with a whole Library of their little selves printed in several Volumes tripping up a Ladder to the Appartments of their several Cabbins Seeing such a brood of Cormorants at my first look I thought it would be to no purpose to beg for a Lodging here I therefore now purely intrusted my Condition to the Protection of Heaven And stay'd not here although mp Toes were sore But made a shiâ—t to Ramble two Miles more To Wendover a Hedge doth there inclose Grounds on the right-hand there I did repose There with my Mother-Earth I thought it fit To lodge and yet no Incest did commit My Bed was sweetned with good wholsom Airs And being weary I went up no Stairs Heav'n was the Roof that canopy'd my Head The Clouds my Curtaiâ— and the Earth my Bed The Moon my Torch the Stars my Candle-light The Grass the Cap that bound my Head this night Tâ—us in great Pomp I laid me down to sleep Whilst that the Owls my Life-guard were to keep My drousie Ears â—rom CRYES of bleating Sheep Here my Bedfellows and Companions were My Staff one Coat a Bull four Cows two Steer But yet for all this most confused Rout We had no Bed-sticks yet we fell not out Thus NATVRE lik an Aucient Free Upholster Did furnish me with Bedstead Bed and Bolster And the wide Skies for which high Heaven be thanked Allow'd me a large Covering and BLANKET The Lark also when it was time for waking Did sing me up and all my ready making Was gaping stretching and a little shaking And finding my Host this Night both free and kind I like a True-Man left my Sheets behind But now my Muse her self craves some repose And while she sleeps I 'll spout a little Prose No sooner had Day 's wakeful Porter stept o're the Eastern Threshold to bring the welcom News of approaching Day but up I started from my Grassy-Bed and after a shrug or two away I rambled again towards my Father's House and by that time I got as far as Halton my last Night's Supper which was as much as nothing began to rise in my Thoughts upon which I began a second time to address my self to the Brambles for relief to my barking Stomach And having treated my Guts with a plentiful Breakfast of Hips and Haws on I went contemplating the Summer's pride and the Earth's bravery and from them both concluded the great felicity of a country-Country-life as
if the one would never fade and the other always endure resolving in my thoughts never to see London again being ravished with the delights of the verdant Fields and enamour'd on the beauties of the Spring accounting none truly happy but he who enjoyed the felicities of a Country life Is he addicted to study Heaven is the Library the Sun Moon and Stars his Books to teach him Astronomy that great Volume his Ephemerides out of which he may calculate Predictions of times to follow yea in the very Clouds are written Lessons of Divinity for him to instruct him in wisdom the turning over their leaves teach him the variation of Seasons and how to dispose his business for all Weathers Who therefore would not consume his youth in such delightful studies that have power in them to keep off old age longer than it would or when old age doth come is able to give it the livelihood and vigour of youth Who would noâ— rather sit at the foot of a hill tending a â—lock of Sheep than at the helm of Authority controlling the stubborn and unruly Multitude Better it is in the solitary Woods and the wild Fields to be a Man among Beasts than in the midst of a peopled City to be be a Beast among Men. As I was thus strucken into admiration of these beauties and wholly taken up in a contemplation of the felicities of a retired life being already in my thoughts an absolute â—ountry Man I being now some miles distant from London the Metropolitan City of our fruitful Albion on a sudden the Welkin began to roar and send forth terrible peals of thunder the serene Skie was over-shadowed and Phoeâ—us hid his head behind a Cloud the Heavens began first to weep small tears afterwards to pour them in full Rivulets upon the thirsty Earth I had then no Pent-house to walk under to keep me from the Rain nor was there a red Lattice at every nook and corner as at London to give me entertainment the spâ—eading Boughs of the sturdy Oak were too feeble to defend me from being wet I look'd like a drencht Mousâ— having never a dry thread on me what to do I knew not Money I â—â—d none Friends none a Stranger both to the Place and People unexperienc'd in the World as in the way where I travell'd the consideration of those things made me add more moisture to the earth by the salt â—ears that trickled from my eyes to stand still I thought was in vain So forwards I went wet without and dry within sorrow they say causeth drouth at length I spy'd by the corner of a Wood a little thatcht Cottage thither I went and found by an old rotten Stick that darted out of it in imitation of a Sign-post that it was an Ale-house this something reviv'd my drooping Spirits so in I went to dry my outside and wet my inside where I found a good fire and stoâ—e of company of both Sexes merrily trouling the Bowl about singing of Catches and smoaking Tobacco no sooner was I enâ—red but one of them drank to me a full cup so down I sat amongst them being all alike free Citizens of the wide World the Strong Ale soon washt away all sorrow from my heart and now that I had a warm fire to sit by and a house over my head I bid a â—ig for all foul weather The great store of Rain that now fell made the High-ways like Hafty-Pudding by which means though I rid in Shoes and Stockings for being now tired I hired me a little Palfry yet I was sufficiently be-booted with dirt I rid over the Common melancholy alone but coming to Chesham Thicket there was company enough such as I liked not by any means and now Gramercy Horse for had not he looked as scurvily as I rid bootlesly scandalous I had undoubtedly been robb'd for I had no other Arms about me than those of the Primitive Christians Tears and Prayers but say I had to what purpose had it bin seeing I made it a Case of Conscience to kill a Man though it were in my own defence 'T is true I seem furnish'd sometimes with two defensive Weapons an old rusty Sword and a liberal Hand not to strike but to give away my Purse which is my politick device to preveut robbing But now if I had Valour in me I was affraid to shew it Besides it dwelt at least a furlong from my face for the cowardly form of that could not but encourage an Enemy Never was poor Horse and beastly Man so surveyed before by Devils I think for their Faces by their Vizard 〈◊〉 seemed every whit as black Escaping that danger I got the fourth days journey to Wendover alighting I fell all along for I had kickt away my Legs in riding thither Never did I find the difference till now of riding on a Yard-arm on the sharp ridg'd back of a surfeited Jade I had not so much skin left upon my breech as would make a white Patch for an Ethiopian Lady of Pleasure Here I lay three days to recover the damage my Posteriors had sustain'd by riding my wooden Horse In which time I observed but little remarkable but a Tapster's playing with a Fellow of the Town for Money in a little by Ale-house where was sold incomperable Ale which I found out by the information of a Cobler the reflection of whose face would have afforded light enough to an Ale-house at midnight This Cobler having been drinking till his Brains were shipwrackt in a deluge of Canary yet unable with all that Liquor â—o quench his Nose which appeared so flaming that when he was smoaking it could not be discerned by the most critical Eye at which end his Pipe burned with the more red-hot fire staggering towards his Lodging about the Suburbs of the Morning without any other light than was reflected from his Sâ—ellified Countenance chanc'd to encounter a certain Hydrogogical Engine by the Students in the Mathematicks call'd a Pump which he taking for some cross-grain'd Fellow that would not give the way made so furiously at it that with the terrible shock himself was beat backwards and fell down just under the Spout which a Maid having made use of just before for water to wash her house it still continued to drisle softly whereupon the sprawling Gentleman being much more inraged â—or you know no Injuries are so picquantly resiâ—ted by generous Spirits as those that come attended with contempt cries out You Dog cannot you be content to beaâ— and abuse me but you must piss upon me too and thereupon draws his Knife like a dying Hero from the ground made several passes at his Adversary till the Watch going their Rounds interrupted the ridicâ—lous Combat but perceiving the Gentleman Cobler had got a considerable Wound in his Skull took care for his safe conveyance to his Lodging left the excess of his Prowess might engage him in more such perilous Adventures Leaving this Town I found that I