of I know not said Summer but I confess I think it more Wit and Reason not to be sawâ—y with Divinity since 't is worse than jesting with edge Tools The Wit indeed pursued Mr. Church is like that of a Lampooner of Kings or the ingenuity of a Clipper and Coiner Pillory and Death are all their Rewards I love not an unprofitable danger nor do I believe in other Matters Courage consists in Picking of Quarrels or being in e'ry â—roil to convince the Town I 'm so great a Coxcomb I care not a fig for my Life tho' I know not the Consequence of my Death that is in plain English that I am an inconsidering thoughtless Animal Nay 't is a greater madness continu'd Mr. Temple for here the best Swords Man will make little advantage of his Art since he fences with an Almighty whose word is death and Life His Fâ—ncing might preserve him said Mr. Chappel in his causeless Rancounters but a Clap of Thunder will drown all his Bullying Oaths and crush him in a moment For my part concluded I I am of opinion if thâ—se sort of Prophanâ—sses are indications of Wit every â—ool may be so at the expence of God Almighty and I think this Letter like the rest of the Discourses of this Nature is beholding to a little pert jingle of Words flashy and positive Assertions with a rambâ—ing kind of Mirth to make the insipidness and sterility of the Reason pass in this Letter he seems to aim at Self Preservation and yet takes the sure Path to destruction in Body Soul and Estate LETTER II. From a surely Misanthrope who speaks ill of all Mankind and of every thing 't was directed thus To Mr. Hawks at Mr. Smith's House near Rye Kent DICK I Writ to thee last Post to get all things in order against my coming down that I might have some ease at home who have met with none here in this damn'd Town which is so thwack'd with Follies that 't is enough to make one out of love with Mankind I can't stir along the Streets but I meet with a hundred things that give me a great deal of disturbance here one recommends this Book to me to read tho' the Sott never read farther then the Title Page praising it upon trust because a Block-head of his own acquaintance is the Author another will needs have me divert my self with that Play tho' he never understood the difference betwixt Ben. Iohnson and Fiecknoe a third to appear a Schollar prefers this System of Phylosophy to my study tho' the Ignorant Booby never read one syllable of â—ogie I meet with one and he pulls his Hat off to me to the ground tho' I never saw â—im but once in a Coffee-house and then he only 〈◊〉 me what it was a Clock another Cries he 's 〈◊〉 humble Servant when I 'm sure the Rogue 〈◊〉 not lend me six pence a third wou'd needs borrow a Guinea of me as if I had been his Friend or he mine One asks me to go to this Tavern and swears there 's incomparable Wine tho' he knows my Palate no more than my Religion another wou'd hawl me to that Farce tho' he knows noâ— whether I have mirth enough to endure a good Comedy a third wou'd drag me into this Bawdy-house tho' one can't lodge out of one in London and vows there 's the prettyest Rogue in the World when she 's a damn'd rotten pockify'd â—hoâ—e with a Tauney face daub'd over thicker with Paint than her skeleton Careâ—â—ss with Flesh with a flat African Nose a Wide Mouth a Piggs Eye and a stinking Breath This old gouty Fellow will needs have me to this Church because such a Doctor holds forth without consulting my Opinion or the preâ—ent state of my Devotion which for all that he knows is not enough to keep me awake till prayer's done and from Sâ—oring in the face and to the Scandal of the whole Congregation Thus I 'm plagu'd if I stir out and at my Lodging I have nothing to do but to Eat Sleep and Read the first I want Stomack to because I want my Country Recreation to divert me and to prepare my Appetite the second the ratling and perpetual hurry of the Town deny me and the third is almost as bad for I 'm oblig'd to read nothing but Latin so that if I were to stay here long I shou'd forget my Mother Tongue in which there is nothing writ now but Farces Mercuries Iournals Observators and Gazets except the Plain dealer and that Play I donâ—t like because Manly's such a Fool to believe any Man his Friend for I trust no man nor believe any one but such as I know will sin against their Interest to lie or betray me I make none my Friends but such as thee who have a dependance on me and who lose their lively-hoods by being Fools and Rascals being thus therefore Fatigu'd abroad and tir'd at home I 'm resolv'd for the Country by the next Week Deliver the inclosed to Mrs. Widall with all the privacy you can Your kind Master J. SMITH The Inclosed Madam I Met your Husband in Town yesterday with whom I drank two Bottles of Wine and made him drunk in his Liquor he was wondrous kind as indeed he is always to me and told me he intended to stay this month here this has made me resolve to hasten my Journy to you that we may all that while enjoy an uninterrupted course of Love and Joys which you can best give and I receive who am Madam your humble Servant I. SMITH I find said Temple tho he be so severe upon the Men he has a Fellow-feeling for the Fair Sex â—y for one of the Country said Winter for you find he abhors a Town-Whore that 's because 't is a simple sin here pursued Chappel and he 's for dealing in Adultery his Neighbours Wife has more Charms in her awkard Garb and her thousand Impertinencâ—es meerly for that cause than a young Well-bred and well dress'd Forâ—icatress here in Town He sets up I find for a hater of the Follies of the World continued Grave like a great many others and discovers himself guilty of the greatest first of ignorance of himself else he might find so much of Fool within not to be so severe on the rest of the World which is fâ—lly as Ridiculous as the Boy in the Fable that laugh'd at the decrepidness of Old Age without considering himself must come to the same if he liv'd to be old 't is but a mark of unaccountable Ill-nature to condemn those Fooleries whose generality gives one reason to imagine that there is something of necessity in them The wisest Men of this World abound with Follies enough he therefore that is learned in himself will have but little reason to laugh at another Besides this Gentleman has the least reason to dislike the rest of the World of any Man because he is so plentifully furnished himself First he ought not to
not really sent to the persons to whom directed because there is so few Letters of Business amongst 'em 't is answer'd those were not thought so diverting as others and therefore this Club took Copies chiefly of those that they thought were proper to entertain the Age but if it were either safe or convenient they could send such â—eubters to many of the persons that receiv'd these Letters by the Post since they copied them for all the Letters which they found which had an honest end in the speed they took care to seâ—d as directeâ— Seventhly As it must not be imputed to the Company as a Fault that there are several Letters that may seem to the more solid Readers a little too gay and airy because 't was their business to expose Matters as they found them and not to model 'em according to their own Rules so I for the same reason ought to undergo no Censure for printing them as they came to my Hâ—ads both regarding the Truth of Matter of Fact and the exposing the secret Villanies of Mankind as they were than to change them to what we desired they should be And upon this Condition only was the Copy deliver'd to me that I should leave out none of those Letters that the Company thought fit to publish This Reader is enough to satisfie ev'ry Unprejudic'd person and as for others he neither values nor fears their Censures who subscribes himself Thy Friend and Sâ—rvant John Dunton THE Pacquet Broke OPEN In a LETTER to a Friend Volume I. SIR I Know very well that you have often advis'd me against the Hurry and Extravagance of the Town and I know that your Advice was the result of not only your Friendship for me but also of your real Sentiments that is of Reason Nay I am extreamly sensible how often you have silenc'd me when I have ventur'd to engage with you on this Subject and that you prov'd beyond Controversy That the preference ought to be given to a sedate and thoughtful Life Yet when I am absent from you I know not how it comes to pass Whether by my forgetfulness of your Arguments or my inclinations to converse and company the force and vigour of your Reasons vanish for The words in which they were couch'd I 'm sure I still retain which makes me flatter my desires that it was rather the Awe of him that spoke than the matter of the Discourse that perverted for so â—ow I call it my Opinion Back'd with these Considerations methinks I may own that I am relaps'd from those Resolutions you left me and that I fancy I have some Difficulties in Dispute which you have not yet decided this makes me begin to imagine that you are in the wrong to despise Conversation so much since without doubt it polishes that imperfect Model of a fine Gentleman which Books but begin and generally leave very rough and unfinished Conversation does not only give us a better taste in Reading but also improves our Thoughts to a good Practicable Habit and our Words and Discourse to a greater Elegance than all the stiff and laborious Trifles of the plodding Academics and I must tell you Friend that you your self wou'd never have been master of all that fineness of Sense if you had not in your Youth been much conversant with the better part of Mankind Nay I must proceed farther and own that the lighter Sallys of Youth appear not so criminal to me as your nicer Reason represents them 't is true I have not forgot what you us'd to urge against them viz. That however diverting they might seem to those engag'd in a fond Attachment to 'em yet that their apparent Folly render'd them not only ridiculous but odious to the more considering part of the World and that it was impossible they cou'd give real Satisfaction and Pleasure to a reasonable Man being commonly the effect of a hot-headed Rashness begot by the prevailing Fumes of the Bottle when Reason has bid 'em good night and thought less Accident assum'd the direction of all their Actions Yet my Friend you must pardon me if I tell you That as Fables of Cocks and Bulls c. seem but an odd sort of Divinity or Philosophy to employ the Thoughts of a man of sense which yet have always had such a valuation with the Learned for their Morals that it has given a Life to Aesop almost thrice as long as that of Methusaleh so â—tho the Extravagances of Witty Youth may seem but odd Lessons of Wisdom yet I am sure there is not one without its excellent Moral if that be but improved by a judicious Reflection by this you 'll find I include not the Adventures of e'ry noisy Fop or Bully but of the Youths of true Witt of which Sir I can say with some assurance my conversation is composed whose worst Extravagancies come not short of the practical Precepts of your old Friends the Lacedemonians in making their Slaves drunk for the instruction of their Youth who by that sight cou'd gain but one half of the Knowledge that was requir'd to make them understand all the inconveniences of Drunkenness they saw indeed what a ridiculous Figure the poor intoxicated Wretches made but they knew not but that it gave them a sufficient pleasure to recompence that appearance of Folly which was often put upon the Noblest of Actions of the Wisest of Men they might have heard that the Abderites thought Democritus mad when he was imployed in the search of Nature in the â—issection of Animals till Hyppocrates convinc'd them by the Authority of his Word of the contrary besides many a man wou'd run the risque of looking like a Fool for an hour or two to enjoy a Pleasure for twice the time especially an unexperienc'd pleasure which is always magnify'd by Imagination But if they had been permitted to be drunk themselves the Pain and Sickness that attended it would have instructed them that it was none of the most desirable of Pleasures the other punishments that are the consequences of this Vice which wou'd have deter'd them from it were wanting that is the spending of Estate which brings the boon Companion to contempt and Infamy for the Slaves of Sparta were made drunk at the publick Charge But not to dwell too much upon the Vindication of the worst of our Crimes and which we our selves condemn and are very seldom guilty of I will by sending you a Relation of one of our Frolicks convince you that we make a better use of our extravagances than you do imagine and that they proceed from choice not accident For while your Virtuosâ— are poring over the unaccountable Secrets of Dame Nature we are busy in searching into full as intricate a Subject The Humours and Nature of Men while they are conversing with Labour and Study with the Mineral Vegetable and Animal Kingdoms our pleasure leads us in chase of the Secrets of the Rational World Their Studies may have the Face
laughter till the Congregation mistake the Church for a Bartlemew Booth and the Parson for a Iack Pudding therefore if thou hast not a mind to be Endited as the beauâ— feu of the Parish return to good Christian drinking a Bottle and a Balmy Harlot take my word â—or't will never make thee loose the way to Heaven for a Man is never on higher Ropes than when elevated with the juice of the Grape and the Embraces of a pretty smooth Darling obedient Wench I always thought thee hadst too much reason to be bubbl'd out of the certain Sweets of this Life for the uncertain airy visionary whims of the next Nature shou'd be the best guide it was once so I am sure according to these devotes and that directs us to pleasure and self preservation I know not why that shou'd be of less Authority with us than with the Patriarchs of old Noah was not condemned for dâ—inking nor Iuda for Whoring nor can I understand that this improvement of our Nature by obligeing us to â—e what we are not made has at all increased the number of the Pious it has only added to the Kindom of Hypocrisie How canst thee with patience hear the Parson declaim with a thundring Voice on a Sunday morning against Drunkenness when he has scarce recovered the Saturday Nights Deboâ—h of half a dozen Bottles for his share or against Usury and Oppression when he has squabl'd with his poor Parishioner the under Ale-Draper of the Village for the Tithe Pigg nay and tenth Egg too Against Whoring and incontinency when he came seeking from his Amorous Spouse or perchance from his Neighbours Wife that hears all he says against Adultery as if it were an Alegory to me there seems no greater Argument of the Imposture of Religion than to see those that teâ—ch it us use God on the Sundays with so familar a Câ—mpellation when they have acted against all his Precepts the whole Week about for if they believed any thing of him certainly they never durst presume to banter him so in the face of a full Assembly the greatest part of which perhaps knows their Life and Conversation Pox you know I hate such a long Letter but I hate moâ—e to loose the acquaiâ—tance of an honest fellow that knows the relish of Vice as well as any Man alive Iâ—ll tell thee one or two things which I hope will engage thy Curiosity to come to Toâ—n there is latelâ— a Prize of French Wine taken which I know where to carry thee to the drinking of and next Mrs. Britain has got a sâ—t of new Faceâ— Plump Beautiful and fresh as a Rose in Iune as soon as the Sun has kiâ—s'd the Dew from it therefore if thou intendest to hâ—ve thy share of either take Post leave thy ill shap'd gravity behind thee and aâ—â—ume thâ— old Jovial Humour and then fly to thy Friend and Humble Servant R. Wilson We all confest there was something glittâ—ring and takeing in this Letter that it was writ with a free air and some Sparkles of a good Genius but said Mr. Grave I am of opinion that Wit consists no more in rediculing the Clergy and laughing at Religion thus Religion does in a starch'd Face a forc'd Gogle at Church a Tone through the Nose and perpetual â—â—â—zing of every Company with the Mysteries of Faith or a Map of the Kindom of the Devil Methinks persued Mr. Winter if he had been a Man of true Reason that had writ it he would not have inclined to the weaker side ev'n according to the stress of his own Argument for all his Letter seems to aim at the establishing the uncertainty of Religious affairs but takes it for granted there is a greater certainty in the course he Follows tho' without Proof therefore for all he has said what he prefers is fully as uncertain as the other and Reason obliges her followers in things equally uncertain to lean to the safer side now 't is agree'd even by them that if this which Religion commands and teaches should be true they â—re in none of the most pleasant conditions if not they can only say ' tâ—s an Error of less fatal consequence and that is the loss of such Pleasures which have generally a pain Repentance and Punishment that attends them An Atheist I mean such as pass for such said Fountain is so far from being a Man of Sense that he is a meer Idiot for either he believes a God or he does not if he do he must be something more than foolish to imagin that God has no Worship and if he have a Worship it may be that which he Ridicules for all that he knows and therefore not to be ridiculed by him without the highest madness in the World for if running against the Mouth of a Cannon when 't is let off merit that Name much more does that of giving fire to the wrath of God which must be pointed against his own Bosom with greater certainty of Death and less probability of Escape than the other But if he believe there is no God he is still more out of his Wits for by what means does he imagine this World he loves and enjoys came to be made If by another Being that must be God if from it self it must be Eternal which is impossible for that which is subject to change will in time decay and that which has Generation must have Corruption If by chance What is this chance Is it a Spirit a body or nothing but an empty Word or Notion If it be a Spirit it must have the Attributes of a Dâ—ity and consequently the Worship If a Body they would do well to shew us the place of its â—bode and its dimensions which 〈◊〉 capable of working such a gâ—â—at Work iâ— nothing out of nothing nothing is made and by nothing nothing can be made but it would be endless to run through all that might be said on this Subject especially since I am convinc'd there is no Man living that does not really believe a Deity Theodorus one of the first that set uâ— for an 〈◊〉 convinc'd us at his death he had only endeavour'd not to believe one and the same may be said of 〈◊〉 others of that Principle they will once betray themselves to have been the most foâ—â—ish of Hypocrites in pretending to be greater Devotes to the Devil than they really were Nay said River he is not a Man of Honour for he turns the Sword that is presented him on the breast of him that gave it and that only for the benefit received we call him a Rascal that speaks ill of his Beneâ—actor behind his Back but he is something more that shall affront him to his face and that without any cause More than that pursued Brook he is a Coward too and the most foolish of Cowards who ' knows he dare not justify his Actions and yet shall when he thinks himself secure abuse the Being he trembles at the thought
your self not by their Villanies but by the Dictates of those Vertues you have propos'd as the Model of all your Life That Honour is still the same with you and varies not its Form or Essence as with other men according as their Interest or Passions perswade no you 'll perish with him that has even oppos'd your Safety if vicissitudes of things and concurring Circumstances engage your Honour in it Few such Examples I can say has any Age produc'd much less Ours I 'll only add That tho' like Alcibiades who had a good Master in Nature and Philosophy you have a true Relish of Pleasure and offer at her Shrine being justly of opinion that Grace and Nature are not at such mortal odds as some bigotted men would fain perswade us in Words not Practice yet you are not so devoted to it as at all to neglect either the more serious and weighty Affairs of Life or the Summons of Honour whenever that calls What I have here said is no more than what all know of you and therefore I need not apprehend any Censure for it But should I touch upon all your other Excellencies I fear I should be thought a Flatterer tho' without deserving it in the least Besides you have Virtues 't is not safe in this profligate Age to name As for the Book Sir I secure under the shelter of your Patronage I shall only say 't will discover the difference betwixt these Letters prompted by the several immediate Occurrences that occasion'd the writing of them and those which some Epistle-Writers have publish'd for Examples for the World to Copy after Nature and Easiness appear in the first and Study and awkward Pains in the latter 'T is not to be expected there should be the same Wit and Language in e'ery Letter since the Occasions and Writers are different And they are generally more remarkable for their Import than Words and Phrase But this I hope I may say for the Comments that you 'l seldom find an Observation wholly impertinent or any of them without something Moral if not Witty 'T is true they can't be suppos'd so fine either in their moral or witty part as the Reflections of Sir Roger in his incomparable Aesop those being the effect of mature and deliberate Study but these the Result of extempore Thoughts 'T is possible a very critical Reader may find some seeming Contradictions betwixt our Observations on one Letter and those of another but he ought to consider that things as they are differently plac'd and dress'd present us with different Idea's as one Example may evince Vandike if I mistake not or some other eminent Painter had a Daughter whose Mouth render'd her whole Face extream homely but drawing her Picture he so plac'd her Hand that it cover'd her Mouth by which she made a very beautiful Figure Thus in one Posture the same Woman was beautiful in another really ugly And so 't is with Virtue Vice and all other things their several Positions Dresses and Forms give 'em a several turn and so present us with several Reflections As for the Second Book of this Volume I shall only observe that as the Letters are most of them if not all written by Foreigners so we are not answerable for them nor for the Reflections on them neither since the performance only of a part of our Company and they pretty well enter'd in good Liquor I shall say no more of the Book but let it take its Chance with the rest of the World if it meet but with a favourable Reception from you Sir to whom I dedicate not only that but my Self too who am SIR Your humble Servant C. G. The Bookseller's Advertisement to the Reader Courteous Reader HAving for the Benefit and Pleasure of the Publick thought fit to publish these following Letters which I had from the Hands of one of the Gentlemen concern'd in the Frolick I thought proper to advertise these few things First That the Post has too often here in England as is evident from the Gazette been robb'd and 't is to be wish'd with no worse design than these Gentlemen did it There have Accidents of this nature happ'ned in other Countries as in Italy as the Letters of Palavicino demonstrate so that there can be no doubt of the Truth of the Matter of Fact or at least of a Probability of that Truth Next It may be wonder'd that in all these Maâ—â—s pretended to be robb'd there should in such a time of Action be no Letters of News or any account of the late Iâ—trâ—agues But I desire these Gentlemen to have patience till they see the Second Uolume which if this find that Encouragement from the Ingenious as is expected shall be published with all convenient speed by which they 'll find 't was out of choice not necessity that they have none in this Volume But in the following Volumes the Company resolve to conceal nothing they discover'd in any of the Pacquets that may afford either Pleasure Profit or Instruction Thirdly If any Lady or Gentleman have any Letters sent them either from their Lovers or ingenious Friends a Publication of which with the Observations of this Company will either satisfie them or gratifie the Town if they please to direct 'em to my Shop at the Raven in the Poultrey I 'll take care to convey them to this Club and engage them to comply with his or her desires And I believe there are very few Men or Ladies who in there Lives have not met with some Intreagues or Occurrences which may contribute to the Diversion of others as well as themselves whatever Letters are sent as above directed the Company will be very impartial in there Judgments upon them and those Letters that are sent in according to this Advertisement shall be markt with an Astâ—rism to distinguish 'em from those taken from the Post. Fourthly In the next Volume will be an Explanation of the Letter in Figures that is in this one of the Company having found a Key for it but too late to have it inserted the whole being printed off In the said Volume will also be added some Letters of a very surprizing nature and many that discover abundance of secret Intrigues Fifthly When you find any iniâ—ial Letters of Names be not too forward of saying such a one is meant for does not the same Letter stand for many other Names as well as that you suspect Nay where you see an initial Letter and the Sir-name at length you cannot positively conclude it to be the person you suppose 't was directed to for may there not be hundreds both of the same Christian and Sir-name in England that may shâ—w your mistake But if any one by winching shews that he is pinch'd he must thank himself and not this Club who thought it lay in their power to give more particular Characters of persons yet were as tender as could consist with their Design Sixthly If any object these Letters were
and are not deluded with a shadow instead of a reality like the Antifeasts of the Romans 't is to your money she Sacrifices the enjoyment of her Person which cannot purchase her real Affection But suppose which I can never graâ—t you were possessed of the Love as well as Person of a Whore how can you imagine to secure them When all her acquaintance is with such whose Interests and Employment it is to alienate her Affections and persuade her to prostitution Fair words are no proof of fidelity and she that protests the most to your Face as soon 〈◊〉 your back is turn'd shall laugh at you in the Arms of another for a credâ—lous Coxcomb 'T is true as you are a slave to her so is she to your Money but what Man of sense would buy that satisfaction at the Price of being known to be a Fool. But perhaps you Fancy you may debauch so secretly that you may avoid the Scandal It must be then in a Cabalistical Way with some Aerial Demon for 't is impossible with a Woman her own vanity and antipathy to Secrecy shall soon divulge your Disgrace Forsake therefore the false Hypocritical Sex which if you give your self to hard Study you will not very much require Poets by the usual Hyperboles of their Art have to an extravagance beyond reality magnifi'd the pleasures of Love you must not therefore read them for they will not extinguish but add Fuel to that fire which finds but too much Matter within us Philosophy both Natural and Moral will afford you more substantial satisfaction which if you stick close to will banish all these Chymera's which now disturb your repose and make you laugh with your Friend at the Fool that next falls into your Jilting Sylvii's Snare I am yours to command THEO PHIL. This Leter said Winter shews us That the cunning Jade had some reason to wheedle her Cully since it inform'd her his Love for her was still alive and strugling in his Bosom and in short only wanted her Letter to gain the field for if we once admit a Parley in such a case 't is only to yield upon the first appearance of Recruits on the enemies side Nay pursu'd Chappel her Letter convinces she 's no Novice in her Trade but understands the Art of Wheedling as well as any of them But cou'd one imagine interrupted Temple this man so well read in the Folly and who can so well advise shou'd not be able to save his own stake So much easier 't is to be wise in the Theory than the Practice I know the man pursu'd Summer and he has the reputation of a Cinic and Woman hater which makes me apt to think this some sham upon him That 's not at all likely returned Grave for how should a Whore forge his Hand so well as to deceive him who doubtless is well acquainted with it without a â—amiliarity with him which still gains the point The World may more easily be deceiv'd than this proof continued Fountain For that Judges by appearances and therefore most commonly erroneously But he added Church that builds his Wit Honesty or Courage on the opinion of the World may really be a Fool Knave or Coward True said Brook for 't is not the opinion of the World that can make that Lady a Whore because she has a free Conversation or that Whore an honest Woman because she borrows the face of one to enjoy the pleasure of Sin without the Infamy Nor can the opinion of the World make this man Rich because he makes a splendid Figure at the expence of his Credit and other mens Purses nor that Usurer poor because all the Cloaths on his back are not worth a Guinny Right pursued I nor can the opinion of the World make this man a Coward because he is not for flinging away his life as often as any of his company wants either sense or manners Nor that Bully a man of Courage because he 'll Damn and Tilt on e'ry word that 's misunderstood The first may be brave in the Field in his Countreys Cause in the visible face of Death and Destruction whilst the other skulks behind a hedge for fear of a Cannon Ball or stays at home to gain the Reputation of a Stout Man upon easier terms since his skill in his weapon affords him a greater security than in the proof of his Body against a Bullet To come a little nearer our purpose concluded Rivâ—r the opinion of the World can't make this man a Philosopher or Lover of Wisdom who has only the Language but not the Life of one or at least I can say this that Philosophers are like Physitians Giants for relief of others but Pigmies in their own distress And so much for the Philosopher And now let 's call a New Cause LETTER XI From one that design'd to supplanâ— his Relation to his Friend and Confident 'T was directed thus To Mr. Jawl at his Chambers iâ— Clifford's-Inn London with care and speed Dear DICK Surry Iune 1692. MY Nephew designs for Town very suddenly he seems to stagger in his resolutions as if he suspected my intentions The writings I hope are ready and drawn as I directed unless he seals part with never a a Farthing get what you can of him that you may be the easier to thy faithful Friend OB. SWEEPSTAKES A short and pithy piece of Villany this said Brook nature and honesty made truckle to Interest without much formality 'T is the sum of the general practice answered Chappel Mony being Health Beauty Courage Vertue and every thing else nothing being a Crime that fills the Purse and nothing a Vertue that empâ—ies it Yet ev'n Villany is alleviated reply'd River by circumstances for to break the Laws of just and right for a trivial matter is unpardonable and discovers a love evâ—n of the guilt but a mighty prospect of advantage might be suppos'd to make us only forget it True pursued Temple we hear Caesar with pleasure rather than anger repeating the Verse of Eâ—ripides which was to this sense If Right may be violated it may for Empire But in all things else be a lover of Vertue For at that time the Roman Empire presented a Noble Motive to his Ambition but to see such contendings for it when torn to pieces by the inundations of Barbarians in the time of Valentinian raises our indignation when we read ' em Right added Church for whatever the Antient might deserve I 'm sure those wretched Remains of the Majesty of Rome cou'd not merit so many Treasons and Murders to purchase them Less still said Fountain does such a trifle as a poor Country Estate deserve Damnation both here and hereafter And this Estate pursued Winter perhaps is not above forty or fifty pound a year which costs so many Bribes Lyes Forgeries and Perjuries 'T is not the Quantity but the Quality said I that allures us we naturally covet what is not our due the Fool is pleas'd to
more regular life Too many of the Clergy said I make a Iest of Religion both in their practice and words There is this to be said for the excuse of this man concluded Grave because his Necessity obliges him to take that method in writing which may please the lewd Humor of his Patron LETTER XXVI From a Citizen to one in the Country who had his Bastard to maintain 'T was directed to Mrs. Gosted at her House near Rumfoâ—d in Essex Dear Mrs. Gosted HAve a little patience I protest as soon as I can get a little Mony without my Wifes knowing it I 'll send it you I have sent you Twenty shillings by the Rumford Coachman I would not have it known for the World I hope the Child is well you need not fear your Mony I 'll omit no opportunity of getting it up and that with all the speed I can Come come 't was a delicious slip of Nature and if Grace be wanting and such a tempting Creature opportune come there is none tho more precise than my self but would do the same Therefore good Mistriss Gosted have a care of my little Bantling it may chance to be my Heir if I outlive my Wife for 't is a finer Boy than any she has had by me Dear Mistriss Gosted I have sent you a dozen of Gloves for a present I am Yours to command Dan. Rab. Here 's a Hen-peckt Slave said Temple has ventur'd upon Adultery Tho he can't purlion added Chappel enough from his Lady-wife to pay for the keeping of his Bastard How epidemic and powerful is Lust said Grave against which no station almost can secure us The Divine steals time pursu'd Winter from the Apocalyps to reveal his frailty to a whore The Lawyer continu'd Church that cheats in his Study is bubbl'd in a Bawdy-house The Philosopher added Fountain retires from the disquisition of the Mineral Kingdoms to find out the way of a young man with a maid Which is a difficult search said River if we believe Solomon The very busie trading Citt assum'd I can find his leisure hours from Oppression for this Peccadillo The Poor said Summer and the Rich fall within the Observation And the Tyrants of their Familys concluded Brook as well as the obedient Husbands of this Spark's Kidney LETTER XXVII From a Lawyer to his Knight of the Post about a Cause he was to swear in with Instructions in the case This Letter was wrote in Characters but the company at last decipher'd it thus 'T was directed to Major Bince to be left for him at the Hand Coffeehouse in White-Fryers Dear Major Wilâ—shire Iune 169â— BE sure you be not out of the way by the first day of the next Term for then the Cause comes on I have told you what you are to swear be sure you remember all the Circumstances and Directions I gave you use your self to assert it in the mean time in company and by their Objections you may find how to strengthen your Evidence on the day of Trial. If you and your Creature do the Work effectually I 'll add â—ten Guineas to what we have agreed for if we baffâ—le the Plaintiff this bout I know his Abilities so well that he can never be able to bring it about again and when I have him at my mercy never fear I 'll secure him from ever attempting it I have sent a Token to you by my man Dick who left Croom a fortnight since so I suppose you have received it Let me 〈◊〉 from you if you want my Advice in any thing of the matter who am your faithful Friend W. H. Here 's a pure piece of Knavery cry'd out Rivers the Law that is ordain'd for the security of our Property is manag'd by the Sons of Belial to the ruin of Hundreds 'T is as dangerous said I to venture to engage with a Lawyer in a Suit of Law as with a Fencing-master in a Duel Death and Rain's the consequence The Fable of the Dog and the Sheep pursu'd Brook is his parallel the Vultures Kites and Wolves all give in evidence against the defenceless Sheep So that our Estates are upon a â—cklish point said Church for if there can be no Law against a Knavish Lawyer they 'l be our own no longer than till they can get a Finger in them True continu'd Fountain he that has the power and the will to do an Injury will easily find an occasion This Spark is perfect in his Trade said Chappel for he has giveâ— him the Receipt of a Lyar to tell his Story so often over that at last he asserts it as if he really believ'd it himself In short said Grave the whole Affair is a Iuggle and he that pretends to get by the Law must be none but a Lawyer for let the Plaintiff and Defendant have never so good a Cause the Counsels run away with the Bone from both Their numeroâ—s Volumes of Interpretation of Statutes and Precedents c. said Temple have only served to confound the whole and make it as doubtful as the true Religion As the old man that consulted three Lawyers on a point in Law found it pursu'd Summer you have earn'd your Fees said he for you have encreased my Ignorance and I am farther to seek now than I was at first But methinks concluded Winter â— Lawyer that is a Knave and prophanes the Sanctuary of the wrong'd deserves Death and Torments without Mercy and is far more injurious to the Common-wâ—alth than a whole Band of Robbers LETTER XXVIâ—I From a Lady in the Country to another in London giving an account of a Dream she had 'T was directed to Madam Lock at her House in Charle's-street Westminster Dear Madam I Was extreamly surpriz'd to hear the News of your Daughters Marriage to Mr. Softstead for the very night before I had this Dream methought I was walking out into the Meadow just above my Cousin Iohnson's House all alone and of a sudden I heard a great deal of Music but cou'd see no body though methought I heard a great many Men and Women After that methought my dead Husband was alive and brought me home a whole Cargo of Diamonds Rubies and precious Stones I was so o're joy'd at the Treasure that I awak'd and your Son arriv'd here and told me his Sister was to be Marry'd that very day but having Company here I could not come but I hope my Dream may presage her Wealth and Content my Dreaâ—s are always omâ—nous Little Betty is very bad of an Ague this Kentish Air does not agree with her and I begin to be weary of the Country and wish for your good Company whom am Your humble Servant Ruth Fall Now can't I for my Life said Summer find what Analogy this Dream has to the Wedding Full as much answer'd Temple as most Dreams have that pass for Omens Right pursu'd Fountain for what likeness has a Tree to Empire yet the Dream of Astyages was so enterpreted to him
Virgin-state to that of Marriage if the Example of Christ may prove it and the Words of St. Paul which makes me very uneasie to hear the Successors of the Apostle the Clergy villiâ—ying that seraphic Vertue rendring all that affect it odious under scandalous Names I must needs say I am so much a Papist tho in nothing else as to think celibacy more conducing to the Service of God than a marry'd State thereis less of Flesh and Blood and less of Interest mingled with the Service of Heav'n The common Objection is nothing in my mind that 't is better to marry than burn since 't is certain 't is better that none should be admitted to the Clergy but such as could live chastly and have no other Spouse but Christ and 't is hard if out of so many Millions as compose a Nation there should not be sound enough to officiate without Bribe of a Wise But I digress tho not much from the purpose since I have by it only shew'd my Value for the State I choose I fancy I shall enter Eternity uncorrupted as the Angels themselves with any carnal Impurity In short 't is a noble Ambâ—tion to emulate the Perfection of Heav'n and its glorious Inhabitants Quit thy foolish thoughts of Matrimony my Dear and leave the Town that Enemy 〈◊〉 chast resolves and let us lead a single and ploâ—s Liâ—e together the Envy of our Sex we have both Youth and Beauty which will shew our design the effect of Consideration not Necessity I am my Dear Thy Faithful humble Servant Phillis Evans Her Letter said Church shews she has Sense Ay and Youth and Beauty pursu'd Winter if you believe her Notwithstanding she would have us think her Aversion to Marriage grounded on her Love to Chastity said Summer yet Nature breaks out and discovers the main Cause to be the gratifying her own Humour which delights in Freedom from controul I am of Opinion added Grave that few take to any Vertue for the sake of that Vertue but to please the Caprice of the most predominate Folly or Vice Nay here is we find said Temple the Affectation of Singularity which has no little Charm with her Right pursu'd Brook for she has not a mind to go to Heaven like the rest of her Sex We may rail at Flesh said Chappel but the Best of our Actions relish of it and our Passions have a great share in our most religious Choices We may as well pretend added I to live without food as to live in a Body without the effects of it For my part said Fountain I am almsot of her Opinion that 't is more convenient if not better to have a single than marry'd Clergy So am not I concluded River Nature will have vent and a black Gown is no proof against Temptation LETTER LIII From a Poetaster that would foolishly rhime on e'ry thing to his Friend in Town Directed to the Maecenas of the Age Mr. Thomas Patshal Prentice to Mr. a Mercer in Pater-noster-Row London Witty Sir BElieve me thâ— ' I am Poet I don't â—eign my Affection â—or To feign Affection's â—â—se The 〈◊〉 that does is it an 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I conâ—ess is the Life of 〈◊〉 We feign 〈◊〉 we feign Adventures As City Scriveners do Indentures We for the Fair do feign Grimaces And for the ugly a thousand Graces Tho' they 've no Noses to their Faces But Sir as I said before I scorn to feign Affection I relish your Appetite your Judgment and your Wit Monceur my Heart The Heart is the Seat of Life Then why should we give that to our Wife No let a Friend enjoy mine Whilst I lay it a soak in good red Wine Well I protest I never think of you but I 'm inspir'd by the Muses from their sacred Hill A Hill that is two horned And ne're will be suborned To side with Fools and Knaves They may still blow their Nails And rub their Tails They still will be but slaves A Poets born and not made by art Whoe're would be a Poet so he is not worth one fart But Sir to stint these Effuviums of the sacred Heliconian Raptures I must tell you that I want your charming Conversation as the Bee does the flow'ry Meads Crura Thymo Plena The Meads the flowry Meads all crown'd with gawdy Flowers The Bees suck Honey and the Nymphs deck bowers Now methinks I wish you and I were in the sacred Eliâ—zâ—an Fields with the great Bards of Yore How would the Groves how would the Thickets ring a Whilst thou and I did our past Actions singa Destructive Chaos would to peace inclineâ—a And Europe list'n as well as Greece and China All glorious Nature from her wondrous Bed Would raise her bright astonish'd Head To hear our wondrous Songs would gaze and stare Like Country Clown at shew of Barth ' l'mew-fair Well but I profess my Maecenas I can't live no longer without thee but that thou knowest Love is a Tyrant that will separate the dearest Friends my kind indulgent Mistress will not part with me till she has certain Advice by the extraordinary Conveyance of the near approach of her Husband I made these following Verses from Horace to her t'other day I design'd it for a Serenade but she was satisfy'd with my Intentions 't is part of that Ode oâ— Horace Extremum Tenaim si biberes Lyce Ode 10. lib. 3. I begin with the second Stanza because the first was nothing to my purpose my Lyce being kind you know None of the Translations I have met with from whom I must confess to you I took the Sense come near mâ—ne But here it is Dear Bud I prethee prick thy Ears up And hearken how the Tempest bears up Hark! how the Winds break out in clusters Hark how old bully Boraas blusters Hark how thy rotten Chamber totters As if 't would tumble all to shatters The silent Trees may too in one sort Be said to all to hold sad Consort Sad Consort â—ndeed interrupted Temple Prethee no more of this wretched stuff Nay prithee answer'd I le ts have an end of the Letter for I find there are not many more Verses Well well proceed said all My dear Maecenas if ever I was inspir'd 't was certainly when I wrote these Verses Description is the life of Poetry and he that excels in that must be the best Poet and if I may judge of my own I think it far excels this of Spencers which I have seen quoted for an Excellence The joyous Birds shrouded in cheerful shade Their Notes unto the Voice attemper'd sweet Th' Angelical soft trembling Voices made To th' Instruments divine Respondence meet With the base Murmurs of the Waters fall The waters fall with difference discreet Now soft now loud unto the Wind did call The gentle warbling Winds low answered to all He makes the warbling Wind c. Which is absolete as Trunk hose but to make the silent Trees keep sad Consort The Trees you know Sir are
him without Ruin nor hate him without the imputation of Hypocrisie and Cruelty Sure you have bewitch'd me to make me still love him that I perceive has not only uâ—done me but contemns me for what he treacherously betray'd my easie Heart to grant Ah if you have no Love shew some Regard to my Misfortune of which your self are Author and send me some Medicine to procure Abortion that so at least by adding a fresh Crime to my former I may secure my Reputation tho I have lost my Innocence Your own Safety is concern'd in this as well as my Happiness for you may be sure my Brother will never forgive the Injurer of the Honour of his Family I can no more at present for crying to find what a condition my fond Credulity has brought me to I am false man cruel unkind dear man thy unhappy E. R. Well did Periander say cry'd Grave that Consideration was all in all True continu'd Winter for that would redeem Mankind from all its Follies if he weigh'd but the inconveniencies of all his actions This poor Lady said Church indeed perhaps would have sav'd her self a lasting trouble by that means She is one of the million of daily Examples said River of the forsaken believing Sex Consideration said Brook would have told her that Man generally seeks that with earnestness which he quits with ease when once obtain'd And that pursu'd I in Ambition as well as Love Thus Dioclesian that waded through Blood to Empire when he was in the securest enjoyment of it forsook it So violent said Summer and inconsiderate are all our Passions and so changeable our Desires However equal the Folly and Crime may be said Temple in the wanton Dalliances of Love I 'm sure the Woman goes away with the Shame as well as Pain 'T is pity said Fountain that there is that Ignominy attends the propagation of our kind that those whom Heav'n has made fruitful should be obliged to desire its Curse Barrenness for that Blessing as this Lady does As for her concluded Chappel I find by the Letter her Honour may be salv'd and her Child sav'd since there 's a violent Brother in the case who commonly â—â—kes the inconstant man pay his Liberty for his Frolic LETTER XXIV From a Lady who consents to a Debauch upon condition that her Husband agreed to 't 'T was directed to Mr. Wealby at his House near Brumly in Kent SIR London June 1692. YOU have so importun'd me with Letters and Addresses that in my own defence I must send you an Answer in which is my final Resolve I am not so cruel to neglect his Sufferings which I have caus'd or to slight a man that I have reason to think values me I shall therefore do any thing to satisfie your Passion that I can do without prejudice to my Husband but if he consent there can be no Injury done him Perhaps this Proposal is not so extravagant as it may seem for Mony is his God and his Love too So that if I am worth the purchasing I dare say he 'l scarce overvalue me This Sir I hope will free me from your Addresses or else satisfie your Desires which I wish with all my Heart who am Yours to command Bab. Rock This is one of the oddest sort of conditional Consents to a Debauch said Temple I ever met with in my life Nay if she will yield said Winter to her Lover with the consent of her Husband he has cause enough to believe she won't long resist without it For my part said Chappel I rather take it for a Banter than her real meaning The truth on 't is answer'd Summer 't is not very reasonable to think the Husband will ever consent to his own cuckoldom Oh! you 're under a great mistake replied Fountain for there 's many a man will put his Horns in his Pocket if they are but Silver-gilt Nay the Air of the Letter continu'd Church seems to intimate the Husband's consent already obtain'd Right pursu'd Brook on the condition aforesaid mony will do all things The City of London said I has not been barren of Examples of this nature to my knowledge In short said River the Letter is so cunningly-worded that she comes off with credit if the Gallant be stingy and gains her point if the Mony be forth-coming Nay where Vice is to be manag'd with dexterity concluded Grave commend me to a Woman especially when she has either Pleasure or Profit in it LETTER XXV From a poor Sine-Cure to a young Heir newly come to his Estate who had a Benefice in his Gift for a little present Relief and also for a Benefice Directed to Th. Ch ... Esq to be left at Will 's Coffee-house in Bow-street near Covent-Garden Honour'd Sir Stafford 1692. I Would send you the Benediction of the Church if I thought you would value it from the hands of a poor Sine Cure as much as I shall the Blessing I desire from you However the Honour I had to be so intimate with you at the University gives me the assurance of my Coat to beg the favour of you to bestow something of your Bounty on me for 't is my fortune to be at present Journyman-Curate to your Parson who saves the expence of his Journy out of the Allowance he gives me and therefore by the by Sir I hope you 'l give me the Advouson that if the old Gentleman be gather'd up to his Fathers at the Bath whither he 's gone for the cure of his Body not Mind I may officiate with the greater zeal when the Advantage flows into my own Purse The Scripture says That he that takes to the Altar must live by the Altar Truly I wish your Worship would put me into a capacity of complying with this Precept for if there were no better Altars than mine in the Nation the Clergy might dwindle down to crape Gowns and Small Beer and be as out at Heels as Your humble Servant Iosiah Wittis A witty fellow this said Temple but none of the most pious One would think his Poverty and Affliction continu'd Fountain should have taken away his jocose humour No no a man that is-that way â—nclin'd answer'd River if he were dying would have his Iest like Sir Thomas Moor on his Beard What said Chappel when he took his Beard when he was laying down his Head on the Block and told the Executioner his warrant was to cut off his Head and not his Beard If he 'd have his Iest pursu'd Brook he might have learnt in the School of Affection to be a little more devout Oh that 's a vulgar Error return'd Summer to think that Devotion springs from Poverty with any more Certainty than Repentance from a Death-bed Sickness No no continu'd Church Affliction seldom meliorates our Lives and most men under them are like Boys only hardn'd by Severity And contrive rather to encrease their crimes added Winter to ease their Necessities than by a better and