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A02652
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Vlysses vpon Aiax. Written by Misodiaboles to his friend Philaretes
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Misodiaboles.; Harington, John, Sir, 1560-1612.
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1596
(1596)
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STC 12782; ESTC S103777
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27,309
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79
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priuy and register him there among the durtie writers of his time in steed of a bastard Cronicle because in his booke modestie is as hard to be found as Adulteries in Sparta and this done O vos de Croidon o vos de rustâ—…o Roâ—…don Bibite blakciackos pre gaudio soluite sackos Nay wee will haue yerses to which a dog shal not interpret Here let the people laugh for heere make I my breathing point Misodiaboles Perfume for filthy smels containing a mad Purge for Misacmos Lunacie of wit LIke as a good foldier in the beginning of a fight first sendeth out his light armed winges to begin the skirmish and after bringeth on the battle wherin consisteth the force of his good fortune so Misacmos hauing distasted vs at first with certaine homely fictions vnciuell Epigrames now marcheth forth mainly with his Tatius Tarquine Claudius Vespatian Traian Priscus and Hercules by whose lawes proclamations letters and decrees he laboreth to approue how carefully they prouided and diligently employed both theyr time treasures for the building with great state and the ordering without annoiances of vaults common shoares sinckes but without al contradiction priuies Touching which as I consent with him in the three first so with the old dunce Iohannes de Portu Hibernico Credo quod haud concerning the last For though besides Dollabellas caution the office of trium hominum many of that kinde I finde care diligeÌ„t prouision made for the coÌ„mon shoares yet in particuler name I am sure except Misacmos him selfe be interpreter his foul breath'd AIAX was neuer prouided for But I see now it fareth with him as with subtill sophisters who wantyng matter to worke vpon do cauill vppon words For what signifieth this Cloaca on which hee so much worketh fetch him Cooper that learned father of famous memorie his Thomas Thomasius a diligent furtherer of good studies not with fie fa fough a smelles but in plain dealing What say they of Cloaca a channell a gutter a sinke of a towne Cloacale flumen besides as Vlpian testifieth there was Cloacarium a certayne fee or scot payd to these tres bomines the suruayours of the commoÌ„ shoares vnlesse therefore as in talking of all kindes of grain we set downe Rie For al millitarie and souldierlike furniture we nominate a dagger so for all sinkes shores and vaults Misacmos vse a priuie he shall get no more fame for thys then Erostratus for burning Dianaes temple Wel Gods blessing on his hart he is a toward yong maÌ„ and hath great cause to thanke God for his knowledg like the old dunce in Brazen nose colledge in Doctour Colmers time who comming from a schoole among certaine sophisters from a certaine Quodlibet with a great sigh thanked god that now at last after seuen yeeres studie in the Predicables he could define Proprium Now fie vpon it fie vpon it what is this to AIAX you trifle you are fond marie that's true Wel if this please him not let him stay till a second digestion and hee shall haue Assets inter main as assurance to prooue how well I meane him Alas alas how much I wronge him beleeue me Philaretes I am sorry for my negligence 〈◊〉 I forget his succinct collection of historie his compendious apr obseruâ—…oÌ„s in the Emperors liues God forbid nay you shall haue right Romain courage in me praise for desert though otherwise his professed reprouer in â—…ollie What note what note Why thus much touching his succinct obseruations out of the Emperors liues I say as Tully did of Demostines oratioÌ„s I like that best which is loÌ„gest Yet for al this the woâ—…lde apprehendeth his iudâ—…scretioÌ„ who trapping an asse in goldeÌ„ furniture sutinâ—… a couâ—…se subiect in rich ornaments of learning hath approued his great wit litle wisedome Howe more happy had it beene for himselfe and more honorable for his profession to haue obserued the customes of the Vâ—…nctians and Germans the first of which banish bâ—…llards from their counsailes and the next vouchsafe no degree of learning to any of them in their most famous Vniuersities Nowe if in example of these if his sentenses of condigne merite had been answered with an apt appropriate and fit matter nulla publica laudaetione indigeret as Valerius saith of Romulus his praise had beene generall but in that cleauing to rashnes the enemy ofendeour and forsaking discretion which as Anthony the father said omnia laudabili fine concludit endeth all thinges laudably he hath betrayed his owne fame to infamie Qua Eâ—…am tum vâ—…uit cum esse credas mortuam Which then suruiues when thou beleeu'st him dead Who liueth of any reading were hee content to surfet in his folly that with Aâ—…ctrine could not talke of Nana with an other of a red nose with Perieres of a pie and Piaux I haue seene an oration made in praise of a colledge custard very much written in coÌ„mendation of an asse who in commending a goose could not bring in Plutarch to proue she was sacrificed to Iuno or in talking of an oxe could not say it was y e stamp y e Athenians put on their money say a man were so foolish to make a book of lowsines were it not possible for him that had red history to bring in Scilla lowsie Aâ—…stus the sonne of Peleus dying lowsie Mutiuâ—… the lawier Eunus the fugitiue lowsie Arnolphus the Emperor lowsie Phoerecides and Calisthenes lowsie or if this subiecte seemed too nittie what say you to Ioubert his booke of laughteâ—… the common place of faits handled in Bouchet in helping a gentlewoman of the colicke Tut and I were set on a mery pinne I coulde write in praise of spindle shankes because Germanicus had such and in commendation of pissing bringing in out of Valerius the storie of the Cretans who beseidged by Metellus drunke their owne pisse How vaine a vaine is this Nay how vaine is Misacmos in his vaine trust me the very feare to heare of this folly were sufficient to make the domb sonne of Crassus to cry out mainely How vndecent is it for a man in yeares staied in birth noble infortunes rich in friendes mighty to be so poore onely in his discretion Better had it beene and more worthy Misacmos learning to haue digested custome into a volume and made a treatise of obseruations wherein as especial and with more decorum then he conceited he might write how the priuy that Arrius died on was hangd vp euer after for a perpetual monumeÌ„t till those of his Heresie to extinguishe the indignitie thereof raised and built a sumptuous house in the place Hee might gather out of Segonius how capitall it is amongst the Turkes to dispute on the lawes of Mahomet where amongst vs heere in England it is too common a custome to breake ours Besides if hee would be pleasant set downe Ethnique heresies what lets him to remeÌ„ber that among the Turks it is an
heresie to pisse standing here in England in Caesars time it was a prophane thing to taste a hen where nowe a daies it is good fellowshippe both to steale and to roste it He might likewise seriously obserue Diagoras banishment who more modester then Misacmos only wrote that he knew not the Gods where he both knowing reading the Lawes of God and which is most to be a bhorred a Christian taketh a felicitie to peruert them But such is the custome of the world and to blind the elections of men that the most part seeke out the poisons of wit to corrupt the same and the worlde like the maid of whom Aristotles comenter speaketh being accustomed to seede on serpents takes it now for a natural refection to nourish it selfe with poison But returne we to Misacmos teshe I long to heare his conclusion Forsooth and please you the last part of his learned treaâ—…se is the maner meanes how to build cleane handsome and necessary priuies not altogether of M. Dalâ—…s built whom he handles as Horace did Moeccâ—…as sâ—…arce cleanly for his curtesies but with Hidraulique Engines aâ—… it seemes the manner whereof hee hath borowed from Vitruuius or els taken some patern froÌ„ a trauellers mouth who hath seene the Cardinall of Fâ—…rraras buildings at â—…uolt and truelie of al his booke I hold this the clenliest since hauing deuised and deified a Goddesse so filthie hee hath at least wise founde a cleanlie conuyance to wash her fâ—…e when she is too slouenlie But if with his patience I may speak and by your courtesies be heard Philaretes I dare promise a forme and prefer an inuention where by the helpe of wind â—…as he by water I wil build you a priuye without Houldens wiues priuye fault that shall neither farre foyste nor stink as she doth in her sleep and how say you by that sir Mary Sir my Priuie shalbe a Round one of the fiue regular bodies in Geometrie built like the tower of Babel vppon vaults to wel tarras't after the finest fashion now for the tunnel I mean to raise it in the midst prouided that diuers doores and windowes shall bee made on euery side that if neuer so little winde blowe if a man bee wetherwise hee shall bee able to emptie his belly without diseasing his nose et fiet say I like the olde end of a doctors bill I but how if no winde blow mary then the poore milners in Moore fields wold be banckrout for their rents the witches to the Northwards shall sell no mery gales to sailers for their money Let mee not iest it out it is a very great fault in my Colfabus but thinkes Misacmos that he can escape me no marie can he not as loÌ„g as ther is a scape in my bellie Nowe what fault a Gods name Forsooth hee hath prouided no seemely glasse windowes for his AIAX and by that meanes hee bringeth those that shal haue vse of it into a great inconuenience and that shall I she we by an example and the rather because éxempla â—…llustrant non probant A certaine gentleman of England going to Bocardo to do sauereuereÌ„ce hauing his quiuer well furnished to offer on Cloacinas Alter after he had read a lecture of vntrusse claps mee a Corpus cum causa on the face of Don AIAX who darkning al the house with a frowne of his furie made the poore gentlemaÌ„ grone grin till he were disburthened Now sir the priuy dark and he in the heat of his seruice behold hold B. I should haue said a maide of his beeing sicke of Traianes disease som what laxatiue notstaying the Qui vous la or the word but hauing her piece ready chargd lets flie into her maisters lap at both endes and sette both her winde-mill and water-mill a working Out whore quoth the Maysler A'as fie vpoÌ„ me quoth the maid new clothes cries he with a vengeance away runnes she bare arst without wiping By this example it were good Misacmos woulde bespeake Masons and Glasiers least sitting at his AIAX in great meditation on his Elegie a maide of his should serue a Lattitat on him lay the â—…bell in his bosome How say you is not this worthy deepe consideration Philaretes especially in so cleanlie a gentleman as Misacmos What like you my aduertisement then haue at it for an other bout And whats that Mary it standeth very muche with the iudgement of Misacmos to alter this element of water and if it were possible and the reason is least some of Floras handemaides hauing Lots wiues sicknes look backe on that shee let fall in the water Why what of this Marrye a dangerous thing for since Ea quae per medium aquae apparent groffâ—…or avidentur such things as are seen in the water seeme greater it is to be feared least the poore soule should take a strong imagination and commit more trust to her belly then she can digest by her back parts Yet an other it must be ordered or takeÌ„ order by Misacmos that hys AIAX haue a doore with a spring locke least some gentle woman going to speake with her-maid in priuity haue as il fortune as a prity weÌ„ch in my cuÌ„try Wold you kno how it was and what it was vnder promise you wil shew Misacmos my good frieÌ„d how it hapened Ile instruct you A certaine noble man of Englande hauing two necessary delights that accompany great fortunes viz. a faire house to dwell in and a foole to laugh at thinking it a decenter thing in him to chase his Iester then for Socrates to play with Lamprocles Ageselaus to ride on a Reede with his sonne and Architas to playe with his seruants one day in a merrie pleasant vaine droue him vp and down from chamber to chamber making him smart with a rod hee carried in hys hand hee forest hym into a necessarie place where the close stoole stoode where the poore asse finding a wench at the priuy and very willing to defend himselfe because he was shrowdly pursued he tooke her boldly in his armes her clothes about her eares and bare it single on her buttockes Nowe sir here growes a Quaere and a Caution in this place the Quaeritur is whether if the poore wench had called on Cloacina for help her Goddes-ship could haue deliuered her the Cautton that henceforth both Misacmos and whatsoeuer builders prouide theÌ„ sockes doores to their AIAX least some coy Dame that feares to walke abroade without a maske be so dainely scratched and ierke ouer her face that hath neuer a nose Is not this gaye geere Philaretes haue I not matcht Misacmos at his own gameâ—… beleeue me beleeuemee I blush as I write yet I write to make men blush For from my soule I protest and to the world I publish it that as the compounders of Metbridate before the whole body of the Venetian Seâ—…ate shew their simple poisons to make theÌ„ knowne and as the