of a King a Schoolmaster in the City of Corinth XII Then it was that Diogenes seeing him in that Station began to sigh before him Upon which young Dionysius spake to him in these Words Be not troubled Diogenes at my Misfortunes 't is the Fate of humane Affairs That is not answered the Cynick the Thing which troubles me for I am vexed to see thee still happier than thou deservest XIII Memorable is HANNIBAL's Answer to King ANTIOCHVS Who having set forth unto him the Magnificence of his Army asked him whether he thought it would be sufficient for the Romans No doubt of it answered Hannibal were the Romans never so Covetous Meaning that it was sufficient to make 'em rich with the Spoils but not to overcome them XIV 'T is said of JVLIVS CAESAR that having took Shipping at Brundusium in Italy in Pursuit of Pompey and a Storm arising which frighted his Pilot from setting Sall he undauntedly cried out to the Pilot Caesarem vehis Fortunam ejus Remember that thou carriest Caesar and his Fortune XV. WILLIAM RVFVS upon the like Occasion shewed his greatness of Courage much after the same manner Who going to take Ship for Normandy in order to Relieve Coutancaes then straitly besieged by the French the Wind then proving contrary and boysterous the Mariners told him it was not safe for him to take Sea But the King eager for the Relief of that Town and having no Time to lose bad them hoise up Sail in God's Name Was it ever heard says he that a King was drowned by Tempest XVI To this purpose was the Answer of CHARLES V. Emperor and King of Spain at the Battel of Tunis Who being advised by the Marquess of Guasto to secure his Person when the great Ordnance began to play Marquess said he did you ever hear that an Emperor was slain with a great Shot XVII JVLIVS CAESAR being gone to Conquer Africk hapned to fall off his Horse 'T is a good Omen says he that I find Africk under me This is not a Fall but Taking of Possession XVIII Much to the same purpose was that Saying of an Officer of WILLIAM the Conquerour whose Foot upon his Landing in England chanced to slip so that he fell into the Mud and bemired all his hands over Which Accident being lookt upon by the said Officer as a lucky Presage Now said he to the Duke thou hast taken Possession and holdest of the Land in thy band whereof thou shalt be shortly King XIX A young Grecian favoured very much AVGVSTVS who inquiring into the Cause of so great Resemblance asked the Young Man whether his Mother had ever been at Rome No answered the Young Man but my Father has several times Thus by an apparent Simplicity which sheltered his Boldness from the Emperor's Anger he made him sensible by his own Argument that the Resemblance proceeded rather from the Wantonness of the Emperor's Mother than his own Mother's XX. The Trojans having sent Deputies to Compliment AVGVSTVS upon account of a Palm-tree that grew on an Altar they had erected unto him told him it was a certain Presage of the Conquests he should make To me answered Augustus 't is rather an Argument how little Fire you Kindle upon the Altar to consume the Victims Apparet quà m saepe accendatis XXI Admirable is that saying of a wise Roman upon the Death of AVGVSTVS 'T were says he to be wished that either Augustus had never been born or that he had never died By which few Words he gave a just Idea of the whole Life of that Prince The Beginning of whose Reign was full of Violence and Cruelty whereas the Progress and Conclusion of it was attended with all the Blessings of Justice Clemency and Moderation XXII When the Trojans sent Embassadors to TIBERIVS to condole the Death of his Father-in-Law Augustus it was so long after Augustus his Death that Tiberius thought it proper to fit them with this Return And I am says he sorry that you have lost so valiant a Knight as Hector who was slain above a thousand Years before XXIII SIGISMVND the Emperor being told by one of his Courtiers that he wondered at his Maxim of obliging his Enemies and putting them in a Condition to hurt him when it was in his Power to take away their Lives Do not I says he sufficiently slay 'em when by my Benefits I make them of my Foes my Friends XXIV LEWIS XII King of France when he was Duke of Orleans had been very much disobliged in the foregoing Reigns by two Persons then in great Favour at Court When he came to the Crown a Confident of his did his utmost to induce him into a Resentment By no means answered King Lewis 't is below a King of France to revenge the Wrong done to the Duke of Orleans XXV No less memorable is the generous Answer of JOHN II Duke of Bourbon who was an Hostage in England for King John of France Whilst he was here several of his Subjects taking an advantage of his Absence caballed against him and invaded his Rights One of his Officers took an exact Account of it in writing which he presented to the Duke upon his Return in order to bring the Offenders under the Lash of the Law The Duke asked him whether he had took an Account of the good Service they had done him formerly That I have not said the Officer Then said the Duke it is not just I should make any Vse of this and so threw it into the Fire without any further notice XXVI HENRY IV of France walking one Day was followed by the Duke of Mayenne a burly fat Man and consequently a bad Walker who had contended with Henry for the Crown And now the King took pleasure in tiring of him But after the Walking was over Now Cousin said the King to him I am satisfy'd and you may assure your self I shall take no further Revenge XXVII LEWIS XIII Son and Successor of the foresaid Henry being addressed unto by a Deputation from his Protestant Subjects for the Continuation of their Privileges according to the Edicts of his Predecessors Henry III and Henry IV the King made them this Answer You had says he those Privileges granted you by Henry III who feared you and you had them confirmed by my Father who loved you but for my Part I neither love nor fear you XXVIII The late Prince of Condé making his first Visit to LEWIS XIV after the Battel of Seneffe the King stood at the Top of the Stairs whilst the Prince was getting up but slowly having the Gout upon him Which made him say to the King from the middle of the Stair-case Sir I beg your Majesty's Pardon if I make you stay Cousin answered the King take your own Time a Prince loaded with Laurels as you are cannot move so nimbly XXIX A petty PRINCE of Italy being informed that a Frenchman in his Court had put some Jokes upon him and his Designs ordered
said one of the Guests Were it not better for you to know less of the Law and understand Anatomy better PHYSICIANS I. TWO Physicians being in Consulsultation about a Patient they spoke Latine together not thinking he understood it At last one of them talked of a Remedy which had not been yet experienced and said unto the other Faciamus periculum in animâ vili let us try it upon this poor Soul Which the Patient over-hearing he got upon his Knees and said Vilem Animam appellas pro quâ Christus non dedignatus est mori II. Seneca used to say of a multitude of Books Onerat discentem Turba the great Number of them is rather burdensom than useful But one may better say of Physicians Onerat Aegrotum Turba nothing is more pernicious to a sick Body than a Crowd of Physicians For commonly the ablest of 'em is the most contradicted and minded the least of all III. Mercatus Physician to Ferdinand King of Spain was so familiar with his Master that acting one day the part of a Surgeon in dressing the King's Leg which had a Bone out of Joint he told him he deserved a thousand Pistols for this Piece of Service To which the King made this ingenious Return Sume quantum vis habes Claviculum IV. A facetious Doctor being sent for to a Gentleman who could take no Rest for a Rhume he had in one of his Eyes upon Examination of the Matter Chear up says he to his Patient your Case is not desperate in few Days all will be well if you can but See it ORATORS AND PHILOSOPHERS I. WHEN Plato withdrew from the Court of Dionysius who would fain have had a famous Philosopher for his Flatterer they parted in some Unkindness and Dionysius bad him not to speak ill of him when he was returned into Greece Plato told him he had no leisure for it meaning that he had better Things to mind than to take up his Thoughts with and talk of the Faults of so bad a Man so notoriously known to all the World II. When Men speak ill of thee said Plato live so as no body may believe them III. Phocion was very tart in the Orations he made to the Athenians whereas Demosthenes used a quite contrary Method and soothed them up in his Speeches If this People says Demosthenes to Phocion do once break loose upon thee thou art undone and they will sacrifice thy Life to their Fury Thou runnest the same hazard reply'd Phocion to Demosthenes if ever they come to themselves IV. Alexander the Great having sent rich Presents to Phocion he refused them and asked his Embassadors to what purpose he had sent them to him Because said they he looks upon you as the most worthy Man of Athens Then reply'd he all I desire of him is to leave me such as he takes me to be V. It was a pretty Fancy of Diogenes when he perceived a tedious Discourse drawing near to a Conclusion to express his Joy in these Words 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 I see Land VI. The same being brought before Philip King of Macedon Philip called him a Spy I am so answered Diogenes but it is of thy Ambition VII Being banished out of Sinope his Birth-place he ridiculed his Judges in these Lines he sent them from Athens You have says he banished me from my Native Place and I confine you to your Houses You dwell at Sinope I at Athens Here I converse with the best Men of Greece whilst you keep company with the worst of Men. VIII The same Diogenes seeing a Company of unskilful Archers none of which could shoot near the Mark went and stood just before it Being warned to stand off he refused it saying he was in the safest Place IX Bias the Philosopher being in a Ship with a Company of lewd Men that called upon the Gods in the distress of a Storm Hold your Tongues says he to 'em that if possible the Gods may forget you are here Thus he pleasantly reminded them of their Vices and the Punishment they might expect from the Gods whom they called upon X. Aristippus being askt what he learnt by Philosophy I learnt says he to live well with all the World XI How comes it said Dionysius the Tyrant to Aristippus that Philosophers are often seen to court Princes and no Prince minds Philosophers Because answered Aristippus Philosophers know their Wants and Princes do not know their own By which Answer he meant that when Philosophers want Necessaries they know how to apply to Princes for a Supply but when Princes are in want of Vertue Wisdom or good Counsel they are often ignorant of it which makes 'em neglect the Means to purchase it The Truth is our Philosopher I mean Aristippus was none of those conceited Philosophers who asserted Riches did no ways contribute to the Happiness of one's Life and made it their Business by a shew of Arguments to render Wealth contemptible But as he knew the Conveniencies thereof so he could make shift without it and frame himself to all sorts of Conditions XII The same Philosopher making his Address to the foresaid Tyrant in the behalf of a Friend of his and being denied what he asked he threw himself at his feet to obtain it and did then obtain it He was blamed by several for making such a Submission which they thought below a Philosopher But he confuted them by this witty Saying that Dionysius had his Ears at his Feet Meaning that he heard none but such as humbled themselves before him XIII A rich Athenian asked him what he would have to instruct his Son Five hundred Drachms said Aristippus Five hundred reply'd the Athenian I could buy a Slave for that Money Buy one reply'd Aristippus and so thou shalt have two meaning his Son by the other Thus he gave him to understand that his Son would have the Vices of a Slave if the Father did not bestow what was convenient upon him to bring him up XIV Socrates having saluted one who took no notice of it his Friends were angry at the Man's Incivility Why should you be angry said Socrates at the Man because he is not as civil as I am XV. Timon so famous for his hatred to the whole Mankind and therefore called Misanthropos being invited to Dinner by one who affected to imitate him in his Hatred This is said the Man to Timon a pleasant Feast 'T would be so reply'd Timon if thou wast not here XVI Cicero was very lucky in his Wipes To a Senator who was but a Taylor 's Son he said Rem acu tetigisti And to a Lawyer who was a Cook 's Son Ego quoque tibi Jure favebo XVII To one who reflected upon the Meanness of his Birth he said The Nobility of thy Family ends with thee but the Nobility of mine begins with me XVIII To another Metellus by name who asked him what his Father was he made this return 'T would be much more difficult says
upon sight of it Which is taken out of Pliny Junior who says in one of his Epistles Ferrum expoliendo non tam splendescit quà m atteritur Iron wears out more than it grows bright by polishing VI. A French Poet having made an Ode to the King apply'd himself to Malherbe as a competent Judg in order to improve it Who upon the perusal of it told him it wanted but four Words which the Poet pray'd him to write down himself Malherbe taking his Pen writ under the Title AV ROI To the King these four Words Pour torcher son Cul To wipe his Backside That done he folded up the Paper and gave it to the Poet who suspecting no Sham put upon him returned him a thousand Thanks for it VII One Quinault a Frenchman having made a Play which was going to be acted he explained the Drift of it to a Gentleman The Scene says he to him is in Cappadocia and to be a competent Judg of the Piece one must travel thither and understand the Genius of the People You are in the right answered the Gentleman who had no great liking unto it and my Opinion is that Cappadocia would be the most proper Place for that Play to be acted in VIII Another Poet presenting the Prince of Condé with Moliere's Epitaph the Prince told him Would to God it were Moliere himself with your Epitaph Thus that clear-sighted Prince expressed in a lively manner the great Respect he had for the deceased Poet and the slender Esteem he had for the living IX Bonnefons a French Poet who lived in the Reign of Henry III of France is much admired to this Day for his Love-Poetry but especially for one piece of it which begins thus Dic Acus mihi quid meae Puellae c. The same he concludes bidding the Needle to prick his Mistress's Heart not her Finger which he do's in these three admirable Verses Quantam hinc referes Superba Laudem Hâc te cuspide vulnerâsse Pectus Quod nullis potuit Cupido Telis X. Another French Poet of good Fame being blamed for going always on foot made these Extempore Verses Je voi d'illustres Cavaliers Avec Laquais Carosse Pages Mais ils doivent leurs Equipages Et je ne dois pas mes Souliers XI This following Epigram was made against Bell-Ringers as a troublesom sort of Men in Society Great Persecutors of the Land Who to our Quiet are a Check I wish you had about your Neck The Rope that you hold in your hand XII An English Poet having made an excellent Panegyrick of Oliver Cromwel undertook to make one of King Charles II which fell much short of the other Being ask'd the Reason of it We Poets said he to the King have always better luck in Fictions than Realities PAINTERS AND PICTVRES I. AN Italian Painter having drawn S. Peter's Picture bespoken by the Pope His Holiness found fault with it that it was too high-coloured To which the Painter made this bold Return that he had represented S. Peter blushing at the Lives of his Successors II. A Gentleman seeing a very good Picture of S. Bruno the Founder of the Carthusian Order and being asked his Opinion of it Were not it says he for his silent Rule it would speak III. The Ear only said one of a good Picture and not the Eye can find that it wants Speech IV. A Gentleman observing in a carved Piece Justice and Peace kissing each other Do but mind says he to a Friend of his that stood by how they imbrace and kiss each other They are doubtless upon parting and never will meet again V. A Picture lookt upon to be the Master-piece of the famous le Brun representing Darius his Royal Family at the Feet of Alexander stood between two Originals one of Raphael Vrbin and the other of Paul Veronese Cardinal Chigi a Nephew of Pope Alexander VII being asked his Opinion about le Brun's Picture 'T is very fine says he but it has two ill Neighbours By which Answer he ingeniously gave the preeminency to the two other Pictures and gave the French to understand that le Brun's Picture thô never so good was not fit to be exposed near such Originals SCHOLARS I. IT was a pat Answer which a Scholar made to Queen Elizabeth who asked him in Latin how often he had been whipt His Answer was in these Words Of Virgil Infandum Regina jubes renovare Dolorem II. No less ingenious was that poor Schol-boy whose Condition the Queen being informed of Her Majesty bad him make some Verses upon this Pauper ubique jacet Which he wittily performed thus In Thalamis Regina tuis hâc Nocte jacerem Si verum hoc esset Pauper ubique jacet III. A Scholar riding on Horseback and finding that whatever he said to the Horse in English could not make him go fast enough try'd at last what he could do in Latin Non ibis mala Bestia says he to his Horse etiam admotis Calcaribus That is Won't you go neither you dull Animal thô I spur thee never so much IV. Another gone a hunting was forewarned to be silent lest he should fright the Game away He hapned to see some Rabbets which made him cry out in Latin Ecce Cuniculi The Rabbets hearing his Voice fled and he wondred said he how they should come to understand Latin V. An University Scholar being so hot in Discourse at the Hall-Table that the Fellows could hear him the Dean sent to him to be quiet with these words Vir sapit qui pauca loquitur To which he returned this Answer Vir loquitur qui pauca sapit WAR OFFICERS AND SOVLDIERS I. A Great Difference said one betwixt Peace and War is this that in Times of Peace the Sons bury their Fathers whereas in Time of War the Fathers bury their Sons II. Salustius says the Romans warred with the Gauls pro Salute for their Preservation but with the other Nations pro Gloria to advance their Glory III. Upon the least Victory got by MARCVS ANTONIVS there could hardly be found Beasts enough for Sacrifices Which made his Friends tell him once as they were going to Ingage We are undone if you get the Victory IV. At the Battel of Newport the Prince of Orange having the Spanish Army before him and the Sea behind him did thus encourage his Souldiers If says he you will live you must either eat the Spaniards before us or drink the Sea behind us They chose the first and fell upon the Spaniards with such an Appetite that they got an intire Victory over them V. When Darius King of Persia sent Presents to Epaminondas that famous Greek Captain he spoke thus to those who brought them If Darius says he be desirous to keep a good Correspondence with the Thebans he needs not purchase my Friendship and if he thinks otherwise tell him as Potent as he is that he has not Wealth enough to corrupt me A noble and generous Answer shewing
annexed to the Crown of England the French Provinces of Anjou Maine and Touraine by his Wife Aquitain and by Conquest Ireland Sufficit hic Tumulus cui non suffecerat Orbis Res brevis ampla mihi cui fuit ampla brevis V. Upon King RICHARD surnamed Coeur de Lion renowned for his Conquest of Cyprus and great Exploits in the Holy Land Hic RICHARDE jaces Sed Mors si cederet Armis Victa timore tui cederet ipsa tuis VI. This Epitaph was also made upon him Istius in Morte perimit Formica Leonem Proh dolor in tanti Funere Mundus obit VII Queen JANE who died in Child-birth of King Edward VI and used for her Device a Phenix being her paternal Crest had this alluding thereunto for her Epitaph Phaenix Jana jacet nato Phaenice dolendum Saecula Phaenices nulla tulisse duos VIII The said King EDWARD being snatched away by Death in his Youth had this Distich made upon him Rex Regis Natus Regum Decus unica Regni Spesque Salusque sui conditur hoc Tumulo IX Upon the Removal of Queen ELIZABETH's Body from Richmond where she died by water to Whitehall there were written these passionate doleful Lines The Queen was brought by Water to Whitehall At every stroke the Oars Tears let fall More clung about the Barge Fish under water Wept out their Eyes of Pearl and swam blind after I think the Barge-men might with easier Thighs Have row'd her thither in her Peoples Eyes For howsoe'r thus much my Thoughts have scann'd She 'd come by Water had she come by Land X. Upon Prince HENRY eldest Son of King James I. Reader Wonder think it none Thô I speak and am a Stone Here is shrin'd celestial Dust And I keep it but in trust Should I not my Treasure tell Wonder then you might as well How this Stone could chuse but break If it had not learnt to speak Hence amaz'd and ask not me Whose these sacred Ashes be Purposely it is concealed For if that should be revealed All that read would by and by Melt themselves to tears and dy XI On Queen ANN the said Prince's Mother by King James March with his Wind has struck a Cedar tall And weeping April mourns the Cedar's Fall And May intends no Flow'rs her Month shall bring Since she must lose the Flow'r of all the Spring Thus Marches Wind has caused April showers And yet sad May must lose her Flow'r of Flowers XII Upon the great GVSTAVVS King of Sweden who died Victor in the Field Seek not Reader here to find Intomb'd the Throne of such a Mind As did the brave GVSTAVVS fill Whom neither Time nor Death can kill Go and read all Caesar's Acts The Rage of Scythian Cataracts What Epire Greece and Rome has done What Kingdoms Goths Vandals won Read all the World 's heroick Story It is but half this Hero's Glory They got their Victories living But our Hero got this dying XIII This short one also was made upon him Upon this Place the great GVSTAVVS died While Victory lay weeping by his side XIV The following Epitaph was made upon Pope LVCIVS born at Luca who of Bishop of Ostia became Pope of Rome and died at Verona Luca dedit tibi lucem LUCI Pontificatum Ostia Papatum Roma Verona mori Imò Verona dedit tibi verè vivere Roma Exilium Curas Ostias Luca mori XV. For Theobald of Bloys Earl of Champagne Nephew to our Henry I Giraldus Cambrensis made this Ille Comes Comes ille pius Theobaldus eras quem Gaudet habere Polus Terra carere dolet Non Hominem possum non audeo dicere Numen Mors probat hunc Hominem Vita fuisse Deum Trans Hominem citraque Deum plus hoc minus illud Nescio quis Neuter inter Vtrumque fuit XVI William Earl of Pembroke and Marshal of England being buried in the Temple-Church had this Epitaph made for him Sum quem Saturnum sibi sensit Hibernia Solem Anglia Mercurium Normannia Gallia Martem XVII Something like it was that for Richard de Clare Earl of Glocester and Hartford who died in 1602. Hîc Pudor Hippoliti Paridis Gena Sensus Ulyssis Aeneae Pietas Hectoris Ira jacet XVIII The Duke of Suffolk and his Brother Sons of Charles Brandon who died of the Sweating Sickness at Bugden were buried together with this Vna Fides vivos conjunxit Religio una Ardor in studiis unus unus Amor. Abstulit hos simul una Dies duo Corpora jungit Vna Vrna ac Mentes unus Olympus habet XIX Upon the first Seven Archbishops of Canterbury here 's a joint Epitaph as it is taken out of Gervasius Dorobernensis Septem sunt Anglis Primates Protopatres Septem Rectores coelo septemque Triones Septem Cisternae Vitae septemque Lucernae Septem sunt Stellae quas haec tenet Area Cellae XX. Upon Stigand Arch-Bishop of Canterbury this bitter Epitaph was made by some of his Enemies Hîc jacet Herodes Herode ferocior hujus Inquinat Infernum Spiritus Ossa Solum XXI A special Favourer of Thomas Becket Arch-bishop of Canterbury who was slain at Christmass in Christ-Church at Canterbury made this Epitaph upon him expressing the Cause Time and Place of his Death Pro Christi sponsâ Christi sub Tempore Christi In Templo Christi verus Amator obit Quinta Dies natalis erat Flos Orbis ab Orbe Carpitur Fructus incipit esse Poli. Quis moritur Praesul Cur Pro Grege Qualiter Ense Quando Natali Quis Locus Ara Dei. XXII Vitalis Abbot of Westminster who died in the Reign of William the Conqueror had this Epitaph Qui Nomen traxit à Vitâ Morte vocante Abbas Vitalis transiit hîcque jacet XXIII One Peter a Religious Man had this Petra capit Petri Cineres Animam Petra Christus Sic sibi divisit utraque Petra Petrum XXIV Upon fair Rosamond King Henry the Second's Concubine one Mr. Daniel made this Hâc jacet in Tumbâ Rosa Mundi non Rosamunda Non redolet sed olet quae redolere solet XXV The next was made upon Jacobus Triulcio a restless Man always in action while he lived Hîc Mortuus Requiescit Semel Qui-Vivus Requievit Nunquam XXVI Upon a Gentleman named None buried at Wimundham who gave nothing to the Religious there this following Epitaph was made Hîc situs est Nullus quia Nullo Nullior iste Et quia Nullus erat de Nullo Nîl tibi Christe XXVII At Geneva there 's an Epitaph in these Words VIXI VT VIVIS MORIERIS VT SVM MORTVVS SIC VITA TRVDITVR XXVIII One without Name had this Inscription on his Grave VIXI PECC AVI PAENITVI NATVRAE CESSI XXIX Which is as Christian as that was prophane of the Roman Amici dum vivimus Vivamus XXX Another did set down for his Epitaph this godly Admonition Look Man before thee how thy Death hasteth Look Man behind thee how thy Life wasteth Look on thy