passing artificially portrayed On Shroue-tuesday they offer sacrifice vnto the Genius of the place whom they hold for their chiefe Deitie and almost for their onely deity Euery yeare once doth this power appeare vnto them in forme of a monstrous Fowle most huge and most rauenous the inhabitants call him RVC and accepts the offrings of his seruants and they for their parts are not behinde hand with him but present him with whole Hecatombes of raw-flesh thus ordered In Pewter-platter-ia of which you heard before there is a large plaine lying towards the South circled in with mountaines on each side Vnto this plain do al the inhabitaÌ„ts flock at a certain day appointed bringing with them an ocean of victuals Elephants Rhinocerots Camells all which they feed for this purpose for other-wise they would neuer keepe such vnprofitable creatures Oxen of the largest size Boares Sheepe Goates togither with a whole army of Birds all with the feathers pluckt off all these they put as it were into this large cage which being done they get them vp on the mountaines sides as if they tooke their seates in a play-house and with bended knees doe there expect the comming of this great Deity old Ruc of Rucs hall At length sir you shall see him come a farre off with a noise able to deafe the whole nation three hundred miles about with a great crooked bill as bigge almost as halfe the Equinoctiall circle with a paire of tallants like two broade spred Okes with two eyes in his head like two townes that were on fire and such an inundation of Harpies Rauens Vultures and Haukes about him O strange stupendious sight for man to see with a cry able to procure an earth-quake they approach the plaine and by and by their wings eclipse the Sunne and bring a midnight ouer the whole valley they are so huge a multitude Three times they flagge about the plaine while the people powre out their very bladders in teares and all that is in their bellies in hearty praiers vnto this route of religious birdes By this time Generall RVC the leader of this starued regiment hath spied his pray for hee out of all that Folio Catalogue of Carcasses must choose what pleases his tooth first supose hee take some fiue Elephants or halfe a score oxen he is to be first serued and then euery one to his sharke tagge and ragge there yee should see one fly away with a Calfe here another with a Lambe therâ— one with a Boare and here anotheâ— with a Swanne euery one fitting his luggage to his strength and thus with a reuerent and religious applause of all the lookers on they depart euery one with his cariage and leaues the rest behind them all which and that is an huge deale of meate the people are bound in conscience to get ready and eate vp ere they goe whereby their bellies are so ouer-stuffed that they loath flesh almost forty daies after during which space they liue all vpon fish but that is costly drest with sirrups and sauces and with the dainties of Banquet-ois both to refresh themselues with the delicacy thereof as also to returne to flesh againe which the sharper appetite hauing thus long forborne it Sure as death the Pope had his Lent sent him out of this country vpon the granting them some odde indulgence or vpon dispensing with them for Ember weekes The Election of the Great Duke CHAP. 11. NOw wee come to the Great Dukes Place and thether by good chance came I the very same day that a new Duke was elected according to the custome of the country There is a Stately Palace standeth vpon a narrow ledge of land lying iust betweene Eat-allia and Drink-allia which also ioyneth them both together This pallace was built as their most ancient Chroniclers auouch by a Giant called in the sayd Chronicles All-Paunch who was of an incredible height of body not like him whose picture the Schollers of Cambridge goe to see at Hogmagog hills but rather like him that ought the two aple-teeth which were digged out of a Well in Cambridge that were little lesse then a mans head yet was not the tooth that was found on the shore of Vtina any way comparable to these Plinyes Orestes or Plutarches Orion were but dwarfes in respect of this same great All-Paunch Suppose rather that you saw Antaeus that was three-score cubites heigh or him whose carcasse being digged vp at Drepano was as Boccace affirmeth the Symetrians to haue gathered by his thigh bone two hundred cubites in length this later I thinke might bee brother to him wee speake off This All-Paunch was the first that conquered this countrie from the Thriuingois draue them all out of the land brought in a new people and gaue them new lawes and his soule they imagine as Pythagoras his opinion affirmed to bee entred into that huge bird RVC in which shape as I said they do yearly adore him The silly people haue this fellow in as great reuerence as the Turkes haue Mahomet Hee lyeth buried in the midst of the Palaces Base Court Where for a sacred memorial of him there is a Statue erected farre higher then Lisippus his brazen colossus neare vnto which his tombe is vpon which I discerned some markes of letters but antiquity had so eaten them out as Ouid saith Old time that razeth all and spareth none And age that eateth through the hardest stone had so defaced the inscription that I could scarcely make any good sence of it The fragments stood in this manner I ALL PANCH Dâ—KE OF TENTERBELLY LY HERE A LORD A VICTOR A PRINCE A DEITY LET NONE GOE BY ME FASTING NOR NAME ME HVNGRY NOR SALVTE ME SOBER BE MINE HEIRE HE THAT CAN. MY SVBIECT HEE THAT WILL MINE ENEMY HE THAT DARE Farewell Bellies and be fatte Now I imagine it should conteine these words Iudge I pray the Gentle reader and if thou canst restore the fragments to their true contents better then I haue done here thou maist doe the Antiquaries much pleasure herein I thinke it is thus I ALL-PAVNCH DVKE OF TENTER-BELLYE LY HERE ENTOMBED DYING A LORD A VICTOR A PRINCE A DEITY LET NONE GO BY ME FASTING NOR NAME ME HVNGRY NOR SALVTE MEE SOBER BE MINE HEIRE HEE THAT CAN MY SVBIECT HEE THAT WILL MINE ENEMY HE THAT DARE FARE-WEL BELLIES AND BE FATTE This tombe is to bee seene in the pallace of the Duke who hath his regalitie according to this first Dukes institution not by succession but by election for there are foure chiefe linages or families in the land The Treble-chins the Bacon-choppes the Woolsacks and the Nimble-iawes any one of these foure houses may stand for the Dukedome and vpon desert obtaine it This now is the order of the election there is a yearely tilting ordained not any tilting with speares but a tilting of barrells whervnto euery one comes armed with his teeth all new sharpened and to it they goe where hee that vnhorseth
cast out your angle-hooke amongst them but immediatly like the soules in Lucian about Charons boate or Cole-miners about the Rope when the candles burning blew tels the dampe commeth you shall haue hundreds about the line some hanging on the hooke and some on the string besides it such is their pleasure to goe to the pot such their delight to march in pompe from the dresser Besides the land hath diuerse good hauens but they serue for harbour to no ship but such as comes fraught with good fare and is laden with delicious viands If any parcell of their fraight haue taken Salt-water or bee otherwise offensiue to the iudgment of the maister of the custome-house it commeth not a shore by any meanes The soyle beares no tree that beares no fruite Ashes Oakes Willowes such fruitlesse fill-roomes such saw I none for none were there to be seene But all the hedges and so it is also in Drink-allia were stuck thick with Hops and surely in my conceit the westerne English and the Lumbards had this custome at first from the Drink-alls This territory of old was vnlesse their chronicles do mistake vnder the gouerment of the Thriuingers inhabitants of Thriuingois a nation lying a good way further into the maine land for their Annales report how in the dayes of old Saturne the Thriuonian Princes bare sway ouer all this continent and had their principall seate in that part now called Eat-allia and that because the men of those times liued most part vpon Garlick called in Latine Allium therefore was this region called Allia but forreine inuasions ensuing and those antient worthies being hereby chased from their places of soueraigntie the conditions of the people grew to a great alteration to proportionate the name of the country to the natures of the inhabitants they added Eate vnto the ancient name Allia so from that change it beareth the name of Eat-allia vnto this present Dressembourg the first Canton of Eat-allia CHAP. 3. DRessembourg is the first part of this great land of Eat-allia fittest for vs to begin with in our intended discouery This Canton were it not for a greater instinct of naturall inclination is in too hotte a climate for any true Eatall to inhabit for the vttermost corner of it which some Geographers name the South cape lieth vnder the same latitude with the most Southerne point of Castile and is about two and fortie degrees distant from the Aequinoctiall The inhabitants be of a swartie tawnie and most of them haue their skins all riuelled and withred and for their conditions they affect deliciousnesse rather then excesse Vpon the foresayd point of this Canton which wee named the Swarty cape as the whole countrie is wondrously ouer-clowded with smoke partly because the soile is very Fennish and partly because of the neerenesse of Terra del fuego the land of Fire which lieth as all the discouerers thereof doe with one voyce affirme immediatly vpon the right hand thereof standeth the citty Kitchin the buildings of which towne are generally very lofty and yet as generally smoakie and euill sented I imagine that Cochin in the East Indies was a colony sent at first from this citie In the midst of this cittie standeth a goodly temple dedicated to God All-Panch a vaste and spacious building wherein there are a thousand altars burning with continuall Incence excepting from Shrouetide vnto Easter-euen vnto the foresaid Deitie In the midst of this temple is a tower erected of incredible altitude no worke made with mans hand euer came neere it the Pyramides of Memphis are but mole-hils to it the inhabitants called it Chymney-turret and from the height thereof the whole region round about it haue the vsuall signall of warte giuen them for whereas wee vse to giue notice of such ensuing dangers by fyring a tarre-barrell on the toppe of a beacon they on the contrary side haue their information from the ceasing of the smoake for when-so-euer that eternall fume ceaseth to ascend in caliginous clouds it is a sure warning that the foe approacheth and this inuasion is most cōmonly attempted by the inhabitants of the Starueling Iles otherwise called Hunger-landers for these are the most formidable enemies that the Eat-alls haue or can be annoied by Neare vnto the sayd City Kitchin are certaine villages that are all within the liberties thereof and first there is Cole-house a large towne truely and all consisting a strange forme of building of caues vnder the ground then is there Ashe-ton and that stands vpon the toppe of Cole-house on a most droughty and barren soile Tonges-worth another little village and this Ashe-ton are both in one parish and so is Fyer-pan and Ayre-bumme two goodly sweet farmes On the left hand you haue three others Spit-stead Kettle-drop and Spoones-by all pretty townes and maruellous well peopled Kettle-drop hath a faire riuer passeth through it called Ture-mois which they say boyleth euery 24. houres not much vnlike the fountaine of the Peake in England Banquet-ois the second Canton of Eat-allia CHAP. 4. PAssing out of Dressembourg the next Canton yee enter is the very garden of all Eat-allia it is called Banquetois and is as it were a continuall forrest of nothing but Dates Almonds Figges Oliues Pomegranates Cytrons and Nutmegs and the riuer of Oylebrooke hath his course through the heart of all this goodly territory The Citty of March-paine is the chiefe towne of note in this Canton beeing built after a stately manner with turrets and obeliskes all guilt ouer but indeede it is but of a slender kinde of fortification and lieth verie open to the enemies cannon a little aboue this City are certaine mines called the Sugar-hills whence they digge a certain oare in collour whitish in touch hard in tast sweete a substance vnknown of old since hauing bin counterfetted by arte and drawne by Alchymy out of the Arabian and Indian Reedes This City hath very few inhabitants of any yeares that haue any teeth left but all from 18. to the graue are the naturall heires of stinking breaths Next vnto this lieth another little corporation called Drugges-burge and here they haue a law that none must bee made free of the City but Apothecaries Grocers and Boxe-makers The Shee-landresses vse much traffique vnto this place but more vnto Letcheri-tania where they vse to make exchange by bartering christaline glasses for vnguents and Pomanders Now for these Drugges-burgers the very heauens seeme to conspire with the places fitnes to increase their trading for at certaine times of the yeare you shall haue the whole countrie couered quite ouer with Aromaticall trochisches comfits and confections that fall from the aire in as great aboundance at those times when they do fal as euer fel showre of Haile Now I hold this to be nothing really but that same hony-dew which we shall finde now and then vpon the leaues of the Oke in a
and others as graue as hee their exorbitances now and then as vnguirt as others But that these weakenesses for so I confesse they are in mee should be made as staines to the reputation of another of one whose learning life and workes now extant may serue as purging fires whereat all those that hence haue taken occasion to wrong him thus might long agoe haue lighted their ignorance were it neuer so immense that my lightnesses should bee reputed as births of his worthines Oh that my pen whereby since I have ignorantly iniur'd him I doe thus willingly and freely cleare him could but make them see what an vniust construction they haue made of an ignorant and I protest vtterly vnwilling offence But since mine owne vnwarinesse gaue first occasion of those vnkinde and more then foolish callumniations which ignorance draweth from mine error to staine his goodnesse with all the satisfaction I can giue him is to shew my selfe willing to make a faire way againe for his deserts in the bosomes of such as hence take their occasiō of dislike by proclaiming this truth to all that shall read it that this present Discouery of the South-Indies is none of his but had this forme giuen it without his knowledge by one who will euer acknowledge his worth grauity to haue beene vtterly ignorant of any vnfit phrase whatsoeuer included in the whole booke Hee whom my contrition and this satisfaction COLLATERALLY cannot content is without mercy and I assure my selfe will dye without merit if hee bee not quickly shipt away for this new Continent with letters of commendation to all our friends in Cockscombaya As for you gentlemen and frinds whose iudgements haue giuen gracious acceptance to this our Imaginary world I will euer endeuor to further your contentments with the best inuentions that the labours of a yong scholler can produce You right Iouiall spirits and none but you are they to whom I consecrate these my trauels since none but you can discerne the sence which they include Onely in one thing I must intreate your fauorable Censures and that is in my allusions here and there vnto the names of some cities of fame and respect both of our owne and others assuring you as your true examination of the particulars may assure you better that I had no intent to intimate any collation or reference of the state or maners of those I describe vnto theirs to which I allude Let this protestation therefore cleare me from sinister imputations and you from all vntrue suppositions And know all you that haue not yet seene these Lands but intend to take a view of thē hereafter that you must first of al take one of that French Doctors pills Despouillez vous de tout affection and this will enable you fully to endure the alteration of all ayres in this clime Secondly you must neuer trauell single but two or three in a company for one you know may apprehend more then another can and those before that haue miscaried in this voiage as you haue heard incurred their misfortunes onely by neglecting this direction and by too much conuersing with those of the Foolianders nation Thirdly you must go ouer the country thrice ere you shal be able to make any exact platforme of it Once for Strabo once for Socrates and once for Merlin Cocaius The first for the Geography the second for the Morality and the third for the Language and Etymology No more at this time but aboord when you please and a good gale of wit go along with you His that is his IOHN HEALEY A Table of the chapters The first Booke THE discouery of the land of Tenter-belly part of the South Indies bordering vpon Tierra del fuego and the situation thereof liber 1. chapter 1. Eat-allia and Drink-allia chap. 2. Dressem-bourg the first Canton of Eat-allia cap. 3. Banquetois the second Canton of Eat-allia cap. 4. Pewter-platteria the third Canton of Eat-allia cap. 5 The metropolitaine Citty of Eat-allia and the peoples conditions cap. 6. The warres of the Eat-allians cap. 7. Of Idle-bergh an Imperiall free towne cap. 8. The lawes of the land cap. 9. Their religion cap. 10. The election of the great Duke cap. 11. Of Starue-ling Iland or Hungerland cap. 12. Drinke-allia the second Prouince of Tenter-belly and the conditions of the Inhabitants Chap. 1. THE shires of their countrie cap. 2. The discription of Carousi-kanikin the chiefe citty of Drink-allia as also of the fashions and conditions of the Drink-alls cap. 3. Of the Knights of the goulden Tunne and of the lawes of the Cittie cap. 4. The artes and millitary discipline of the Drink-alls cap. 5. The funeralls of one of the cheefe Quagmyrists and the sacrifices of Bacchus cap. 6. Of Hot-watria or Lycor-Ardent and of the Pilgrimage to Saint Borachio cap. 7. And last of the first booke The second Booke THE description of Shee-landt or Womandecoia and of the situtation thereof cap. 1. How the Gossipingo-esses vsed the author of this descouery cap. 2. Their formes of gouernment and elections of persons of State cap. 3. The originall of the Shee-landresses cap. 4. Of Gigglot-tangir cap. 5. Of Double-sex I le otherwise called Skrat or Hermophrcodite Iland cap. 6. Of Srews-bourg cap. 7. And last of the second booke The third Booke or the descouery of Fooliana and the Situation and populousnesse thereof Chap. 1. THE parts of Fooliana and the peoples conditions in general cap. 2. Of Fooliana the fickle cap. 3. Of the peoples conditions and attires sect 1. Of the Duke and Inhabitants of Solitaria the sad sect 2. 3. 4. Of Cholericoy the other Dutchie of Fooliana the craggy cap. 5. Fooliana the fond cap. 6. Of Ass-sex sect 2. Of the Citties of Cocks-combria and Ass-sex and of Blocks-foord the metropolitane sea sect 3. Of the Bourgue-maisters of Blocks-foord sect 4. Of the Marquisate of Spendal-ezza sect 5. and 6. Of Fooliana the fatte cap. 7. The quality and condition of the people sect 2. The paradise of Fooliana the fatte sect 3. Of Fooliana the deuout cap. 8. Sectorioua the second Prouince of Fooliana the deuout sect 2. The State politique of Fooliana in generall cap. 9. And last of the third booke The fourth Booke or the descouery of Thee-uingen and the description thereof Chap. 1. THE conditions of the Robbers-walders cap. 2. The pirats and Sea-borderers of Robbers-walder cap. 3. How the author got into this country of the Harpies cap. 4. Of Lyers-buy plaines The natures of the Leger-demanians of Free-purlogne and Bags-death cap. 5. Of Lurtch-thrift a Country in Legerdemaine cap. 6. Of Still-moore cap. 7. And last of the forth booke FINIS ⧠The occasion of this trauell and the pre-instruction for it MINE acquaintance with trauellers of all sorts is both well knowne to our Vniuersitie men and recorded by the curteous correspondence that haue beene euer held betweene strangers and me whether this of Homer mooued mee to this humour 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉
Continent and for a Southerne Continent why then doe they call it vnknowe But if it bee vnknowne why doe all the Geographers describe it after one forme and site Idle men that they are that can say this it is and yet wee know it not How long shall wee continue to bee ignorant in that vvhich vvee professe to haue knowledeg of Certé si nemo vnquam vv Fragilem truci Commisisset Pelago ratem If none had euer beeen So bold as to expose the slender barke vnto the Oceans teene Then vvee might haue had some excuse for our obstinate wee may euen as vvell confesse it and notorius idlenesse But seeing all is opened now seeing there is not a ship-boy but knows all the vvindes creekes shelfes and harbours of the whole world slie vpon this slouth of ours this more then female feare this vaine carelesnesse that vvittingly and willingly robbes vs of another world What colour haue vve for it vvhat feare vve shadowes or our selues there is heauen there is earth in that continent there is men perhaps more ciuill then wee are Who euer expected such wit such gouernment in China such arts such practise of all cunning wee thought learning had dwelt in our corner of the world they laugh at vs for it and well may auouching that they of al the earth are twoey'd men the Europians the one eyd and all the world else starke blind But admit there be no men in this climate it is a shame for a wise man either to feare or complaine of solitarinesse These thoughts haue fired my brest full often and whilest others neglect them haue kindled a bold attempt in mee beyond the rest I see the land lye vnknowne no man dreames of it I will assay to discouer it Your enterprise Beroaldus quoth I is great and almost more then mortall power can execute Howeuer it succeede I applaude your generous spirit as like your owne but as you said great matters as they require many praemonitions so doe they more premeditations Haue you therefore cast your full account of the dangers labours hopes expences and all other such accidents as must attend this your attempt There is heauen you say there may bee so and yet you bee kept from the sight of it by perpetuall darkenesse There is earth but you may bee driuen out of that by beasts and serpents There are men but perhaps you had rather want their company when you know them then haue it If one of you Patagonian Giants should catch your and eate you quite vp where are you then my fine discouerer It is good thinking of those things but it is dangerous trying O sir saith Beroaldus againe you know not that the Cape of good hope lies ouer against this land We must hope and wee must dare Those bug-beares of dangers at fit to fright babies but they anymate bolder spirits If we should sticke at them wee should neuer looke out at our owne dores That was the cause America lay so long vnknowne and had done still for ought I see but that GOD sent a Doue from Heauen which plucking of an Oliue branch from this Continent taught vs by that that there was yet more land and lesse sea then wee dreamed of O how sacred shall his name beheld with all posterity His statue shal be aduanced for vs al to gaze vpon whilst earth keepes her foundation It is as great a glory thinke I to bee called The new worlds discouerer as her conqueror And why may not wee haue that successe and the like glory I am the more excited to this by that ancient and famous prophecy of Seneca which remayneth vnto vs to fulfill Venient annis Secula seris quando Oceanus Vnicula rerum laxet ingens â—ateat Tellus When certaine years are spent Hereafter shall the spumy Ocean shew â—is secret store and ope to mortals view A larger continent What can be spoken more plaine to point out this discouery Here did Drogius replie What Man beware how you raise so great a building on so weake a foundation Your Doue hath fulfilled your Poets coniectures all of them alreadie The summe of yeares is now runne America is that large continent Dreame you of any other either age or discouery I know the generality of your opinion quoth Beroaldus but I doubt of the truth for Prophecies are alwaies de futuro and what if I prooue the countrie America to be knowne to former ages If I doe Senecaes wordes are no presage but an intimation of a thing done Now I am fully perswaded that some part of these west Indies was that Ophir where Salomons and Hirams nauy had their gold For whereas there are fiue seuerall opinionists touching this viz. 1. Rabanus Maurus and Nicholaus de Lyra affirming that Ophir was in the East-Indies 2. Volateranus and Ortelius auoutching it to bee an Island in the Ethiopian Ocean from an apocryphall relation of one Lewis Venetus 3. Gaspar Varerius who affirmed all that was contayned in Pegu Malaca and Sumatra to be whilom called by this name 4. Francis Vatablus whom Colonus also as P. Martyr saith did follow who said that Hispaniola was Ophir 5. William Postelius Goropius Becanus and Arias Montanus all which auoutch directly that Ophir was this continent in which Peru lieth Of these the two last and likeliest make for vs I care not which you take The first two Varerius hath ouerthrowne horse foote to ad more were too superfluous Sufficeth only that I proue him erroneous in putting Pegu Sumatra Malaca for Ophir And first holy writ saith plaine that those two nauies were two years out in each of their voiages to Ophir but the space of 10. months or 12. at the most will serue to passe and returne from the red sea to Sumatra how then can this proposition of time agree with his opinion what can Varerius say to this that nauigation was not exact then as the Portugalls haue made it since and therefore in such a vast roome for ignorance the nauies might spend the more in a wrong course Well sir but how came Salomon to the knowledge of this farre distant land From God you say I beleeue yee So then hee that taught him that there was such a land and that there was gold in such a land and aduised him to send thither would not hee thinke you shew him the right way thether Againe the time of their being out is alwaies set downe but one at the end of which they euermore returned neither staying longer nor comming sooner which proues the distance of the place and not the error of the sailers Lastly the very name speaketh for vs as plaine as may 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 do but transpose one letter and they are all one Let mee therefore hold you for incredulous obstinates if you confesse not that America was knowne long before Senecaes time You are victor Beroaldus quoth I and may now
kindly spring the onely difference is in the solidity for where as ours falleth in small dewy droppes theirs is congealed by the cold of the ayres midle region and so falleth in round balls that rebound in their fall through this their accideÌ„tall induration Pewter-platteria the third Canton of Eat-allia CHAP. 5. AS wee passed vnder the 55. degree beyond the line wee entred into a spacious plaine the inhabitants named it Pewter-platteria and wee for breuity sake entred it in our mappe vnder the name of Platters-plaine it lieth in the very heart of Eat-allia and the first City that we met within this tract was Victullu through the midst of which there passeth a riuer called Sauce whose water is some-what tart in the taste In the market place of this town we beheld a tombe which as far as I could guesse by the weather-worne inscription conteined the bones of the Romane Apicius It was no rare peece of worke but it was of a most ancient model and the tombe-stone was cut in forme of a Sea-crab And surely let Seneca say what hee please it might very well be that this famous GurmoÌ„d hauing bestowed a great deale of lost labour in seeking bigger Crabbes on the African shores then the French afforded turned his course vnto this country or els was forced hither by tempest and so here layd his bones vpon some deadly surfet Let the Colledge of Critiques be iudge I do here purposely omit the fruitfull plaines of Goblet the great and fat-Fat-land Forrest togither with the goodly citty Sausagiena oh there 's a towne rarely seated onely it stands a little too neere the salt-water I ouer passe that stinking Cheese-mongeria also and Butterkin the fennie the last towne of all Eat-allia and situate vpon the very borders of Quaffonia these I passe ouer slightly onely because I would faine bee at the metropolitane City of the whole region for that very place alone in structure of houses manners of inhabitants and formality of discipline is worth all the rest to one that wayeth it well The Metropolitane City of Eat-allia The peoples conditions CHAP. 6. HEreabouts are but few villages no more then in other places of the land so that one may easily discerne that the Cities haue eaten vp all the boroughs Neither are their Citties so aboundant in nuÌ„ber as they are in ritches and inhabitants but of them all the prime and mother Cittie is that famous Flesh-pasty-nople Their old records doe report that in former ages there were two ritch and potent Citties Fleshton and Py-nople betweene whome as is vsuall amongst great men and great places in so much that the two best vniuersities of the worlde both of them my mothers and one of them my nurse also and both sisters yet can scarely for-beare this froward contention there was long and vehement altercation about the soueraignity Py-nople stood vpon hie antiquitie and assuredly in old Saturnes time the world afforded not hir parallell But Flesh-ton counterpoised the others continuance with hir owne glorie pleasant situation and powerfulnesse well a Parliament was called and finally the whole house with one consent gaue the supremacy vnto Flesh-ton Such is the vilenesse of this depriued age that though it bee gray headed with decay yet wil it prefer proud and vnripe or rather to soone ripe nouelty an hundred degrees before pure simple antiquity Py-nople being thus disgraced decayed to nothing it is at this daie almost impossible to know where it stood that was whilome a goodly Cittie neuer had Poets Saint Albones iuster cause to accuse the malice of man and of time then this poore ruined pile hath to condemne it Now grew Flesh-ton into more and more lustre and both to adde a magnificence to the name as also to past the foile of Py-nople vpon the fore-head of all posterity it left the last syllable of the old name and assumed the two last of Py-nople for it ioyning them togither with the cement wherof the ancient walls were made called in their language Payste and so was thence-forth called Flesh-pasti-nople Touching the forme of it it is rather vast in compasse then comely in buildings and hath a ditch or rather a riueret of spring water running almost through euery streete in which water you shall see a thousand seuerall impayled Fish-ponds wherein also they keepe Swannes Duckes Diue-dappers Herons Teales and all water foules whatsoeuer as they do now at Auspurg vpon instruction from hence and this current is called Grauy-ditch It is double walled about with the bones that remained of their carniuall reuellings and these bones were most artificially disposed each in his due place the great bones standing vnderneath as pillers to the whole worke the mid-most were next in order aboue them and the smallest were ranked in the highest place and all very well fastned togither with morter made of the whites of egges in good sadnesse most artificially and with full iudgement Their houses with-in were neither too stately nor too lofty they needed no Augustus to forbid the building aboue 70. foote high nor any Iuuenal or Seneca to complaine of their stories vpon stories No faith they kept a very good course for that They loue no ascents by staires vp to their dores for two causes partly because it is toilesome to climbe vp them when their bellies are bum-basted and partly because it is dangerous to come downe them when their braines are throughly moistned as they must bee most commonly vpon a great forfeiture Insteed of lead tile states their houses are all rooft with beasts shoulder-bones very cunningly knit together I assure yea Their City consisteth not of any saue such as haue one dependance or other vpon the good fellowes rack and manager The husbandmen Carpenters Millers and Butchers haue each their habitations assigned theÌ„ in the suburbes who notwithstanding if they can bring their bellies vnto a certain set size are presently carried to Gurmonds hall and there made free of the Wide-throates or Large-weasands but no stranger can haue his freedome at first vnlesse he be either a Cooke a Baker or an Inkeeper the citty is gouerned by a set number of gratie Senators peculiarly enstiled Alder-guts who are not elected as our European Burgomaisters are for their wisdome their wealth or their horse-taile beards but by the circumference of their naturall tankards their pauÌ„ches which at a sollemn set feast are euery yeare measured once and the more that each mans rotundity of corpulence is found to bee enlarged vnto the higher place is hee presently 〈◊〉 so that I haue seene some come sneaking out of the fagge end of the suburbes who had held their Shappikinoâ—e in the verges of the Cities Bodex food knowes how many winters iustle notwithstanding at length into and honorable place in the Citty and at lasticome to be a principal Syre of this famous Common-weale But now 〈◊〉 all heare or
Denis wherein the soules of such as either liued too soberly or killed themselues desperately are purified by fire and there they burne vntill some of their liuing friends go in Pilgrimage to Chappell Ardent for a bottle of St. Borachios water powring that vpon their tombe they are freed I smiled at this and thought now surely I haue found the originall of Purgatorie let Abbat Odilo and his Monkes of Corunna tell mee neuer so many tales of mount Aetna and many good morrows 't is here or 't is no where Well at length we came a shore and found it a pretty sweete towne in truth to giue it the due marry it was both paued with bottles and roofed with letherne bougets I doe not remember I saw any attificer in all the towne but letherne Iack-makers and taylors for Bottle-cases so that now I saw what vtterance the Eat-alls had for their hides The reason is the men of this towne and country vse no pure wine as the other Drink-alls doe but certaine distilled waters mixt with the strongest grape they can get which are so forcibly hott that the brittle glasse cannot hold them and therefore they are driuen to fortifie their bottles with letherne Ierkins riuerted together with pitch and rosen The citizens are fiery of face and cholericke of condition enuious suspicious paralitique and of a staggering manner of pace in their going but that which is most terrible of all they drinke and they breath nothing but meere flames As much cold water or scarr-gut as one of vs will drinke so much fire will one of them take that a man would verily imagine when hee saw them that they were so many fire-drakes or Saint Georges dragons I was in danger of water before but now I feared nothing but that I should be stifled with fire So that I left my companion in his orisons vnto Bacchus I loued him well but I loued my selfe better the very next morning I got me out of this Vulcans shop for so it was and a very Cyclops forge rather then a Citie of Bacchus Now being vpon my way I began to resolue with my selfe to passe by the verges of Lecheritania back againe and so to see some-what of the fashions of the Hop-sackers the third countie of Drink-allia but iust as I was plodding on with this thought in my head rushes mee forth an Ambush of armed Sheelandresses you heard of Shee-landt before besette mee tooke mee and carryed mee prisoner the more vnfortunate I a long and toylesome iourney euen to the chiefe cittie of the land called Gossipingoa I would not haue the reader take any vnkindnesse at my hands for omitting the rest of Drink-allia for as my Pilgrim told me it is the basest part of the land this countie of Hop-sack and but that it is more beast-like different in nothing from the others which you heard described before Finis lib. 1. The second Booke The description of Shee-landt or Womandeçoia Of the situation and the parts thereof CHAP. 1. THE new discouered Womandeçoia which some mistaking both name and nation call Wingandecoia make it a part of Virginia otherwise called Shee-landt lieth in that part of the Southerne continent which our Geographers of Europe called Psytacorum Regio the land of Parrots On the North side it boundeth vpon Letcheritania a nation that is a great enemy to it on the South vpon Thriuingois on the East vpon the two Fooliana's the Fickle and the Fatte The soile thereof is very fruitfull but badly husbanded It is diuided into many Prouinces both large and ritch yet all of seuerall conditions habites and languages The principall of them are these Tattlingen Scoldonna Blubberick Gigglot-angir the high and the lowe Cockatrixia Shrewes-bourg and Blackswanstack otherwise called Modestiana Not farre from these is also an Iland called I le Hermaphrodite or more properly Double-sex Many of these Prouinces did I passe through sore against my will I le bee sworne But to speake the truth Tattlingen is the best country of all the rest hath many faire cities in it as Pratlingople Tales-borne Lyps-wagg through the last of which there runneth a great riuer called Slauer which some-times will ouer-flow the bankes and drowne all the lower part of the country which they call Chinn-dale but the countrimen haue now deuised very strong rampires of bones and bend lether to keepe it from breaking out any more but when they list to let it out a little now then for scouring of the channell But of all the citties of Tattlingen or of all Shee-landt Gossipingoa is the principall Thether was I brought and deteined a great deale longer then stood with my good liking I will for passing away a little time vntill the Capon bee enough we haue nothing else to do discourse the whole progresse of their dealing with mee here and then I le goe on with the conditions of this new nation How the Gossipingoesses vsed the Author of this discouerie CHAP. 2. AS soone as these cruell conqueresses had taken mee vpon the borders of Lecheritania they brought mee away to their chiefe city so to the court told a bell and presently all the inhabitants came flocking thether in a trice began to prie more narrowly vpon mee who stood bound sure enough god wot for offering them any false measure At length one of the rout their Captainesse it seemed shee was gaue a signe to the rest to be silent as she had need and then bespake the company thus What or of whence this fellow is I doe not know onely wee tooke him in the confines of yonder damned country Letcheritania and seeing they haue offered vs so much iniury I hold it very fitte now if it bee not too late to begin to take reuenge of them and first with this prisoner Now she hauing made an end I got leaue with much a doe for noise to speake so declared my nation and the cause of my wandring as well as I could and told her Womanship that for my part I had not any acquaintance at all in Letcheritania I was one that wished her Madam-hood and all hir sex all the good I could and that it would derogate much from her nature clemencie and from the honor of her iust gouernment to condemne an Innocent pilgrim and one that had not offended without hearing of his cause Well these good words I can tel yee wrought so prettily well that the poore yong wenshes began many of them to weepe yet the old countesses were not so much ouer-swaied by mine oration but that I must to prison to a great house in the market place called Cold and comfortlesse vntill my country and cause of trauell were truely manifested vnto the Shee-counsell Well to warde I went and but that my countries name the true Paradice of women pleaded for mee I had neuer come home aliue for all the Lecheritanians that they take they either faire hange vp or
els put them vnto most slauish offices in this prison Herein plaging them for their iniuryes offered for that Nation although it bee most lasciuious yet it rūneth a madding eirher after whore or els in bestiality either neglecting their wiues vtterly or els keeping them continuall prisoners through mad-braind ielousie O how many noble captaines did I see here wearing out their liues in spinning carding woll and knitting faith at length for my countries sake I had my liberty but not without an oth for I was brought to Iunos Altar and there laying my hand on the same tooke a sollemn oth to obserue all these conditions following 1. That I should neuer goe about to iniure this noble sexe by word nor deed 2. That I should neuer interrupt a woman in her tale 3. That wher-soeuer I liued I should leaue the rule of the house to my wife 4. That I should neuer more come in Letcheritania for it is the common phrase here Many go thether good men but come away againe euill husbands 5. That I should neuer aime at more then the loue of one 6. That I should neuer bewray my wiues secrets 7. That I should neuer deny my wife any womans ornaments 8. That I should continually giue women the prick and praise for beauty wit and eloquence and defend it against all men This oth I willingly tooke would haue taken one ten times stricter rather then haue staied there So therefore you see my tongue is tyed by mine oth not to tell all the fine Conundrums that I saw among these mad wenches Somewhat I may say but no harme no more I would in truth if I had not beene sworne at all Their formes of Gouernment and elections of persons of state CHAP. 3. THeir state for ought that I could obserue is popular each one seeking superiority and auoyding obedience They haue no lawes at all but do euery thing by the numbers of voices But the giuing vp of their voices struck me into a wonder being vnacquainted therewith for they set vp a erie all together none giues eare but each one yells as if shee were horne mad Is not this able to abash a good mans spirit They hold a continuall parliament about their more weighty affaires of state so that Erasmus were he aliue now would be able to giue a strong testimony of womens turning sutors Now this continuance is necessary because of their lawes vncertainty for the decrees of this day may bee all disanulled to morrow but the same day they cannot least their law-giuers should seeme vnconstant in their edicts Euery ones voice is alike in worth the whole citty thorow but not euery ones dignity for they haue a set number of chosen women they call them Grauesses these haue the authority of most honor in each particular citie But they are not borne to this dignity but elected either for their beauty or their eloquence for by these two are all elections ordered They had once a custome to elect these Grauesses by voices but afterwards euery one giuing her voice onely for her selfe it bred a confusion so made them abolish that maner of election and then they made a decree that only those should haue the sway in this enuious contention who would professe themselues neither faire nor eloquent But this brought all to such a passe that in the whole multitude of them you should not find one that would be Electresse the elder sort holding that they had the eloquence and the yonger standing as firme in it that they had the beauty At length they all agree to passe ouer these places of Electresses vnto twelue of the most aged matrons of Old Mumpington a ruinous village hard by and so they did giuing them the glorious title of Electresses Grauessiall to set them the more a gogge to performe their charges And besides this honorable stile the hony of age wealth and abundance comes continually vpon thē for the ambitious young wenshes will so bribe and ply them with giftes to haue their voices at the day of election that I hold there is not a court either more corrupt in giuing voices or more wealthy in giuen ritches In stead of scepters and swordes the Grauesses haue fannes and glasses borne before them huge Christall glasses and still as they passe through the streetes they pranke vp their attires by the sayd glasses and set all their gew-gawes in order as they go along The originall of the Shee-landresses CHAP. 4. THere are few Shee-landresses borne in this Nation but such as either will needes weare their husbands breeches or els such as their husbands iealousie will needs either banish or make prisoners those runne flocking from all parts hether Now all such as are their husbands maisters and are therevpon banished for their vniust clayme vnto soueraignty these are assigned to inhabite the frontiers of Shee-landt especially in the countries of Shrewes-bourg and there they are all put in garrison But as for those that are voluntarie exiles they are generally of meeke and vnmanly spirits and these are seated in the heart of the Land to become Votaresses to Peace and to Beautie and yet you need neuer dreame that this weale-publike how euer weakely founded should go to ruine for want of perticuler members and I le tell you why there are so many voluntaries especially free women come to this campe that the feare is that rather here will want roome for new inhabitants then otherwise Truely I am in a great perplexity least my country women should haue any vnderstanding of this state For if they haue wee may goe snicup for any female that will bide amongst vs but all will away wee should not haue one big belly left to lay the foundation for a future age by and therefore I pray you sir whosoeuer you be as you loue the preseruation of our linage and the generall multiplication of mankinde bee silent in this so important a secret for it lies vs all vpon to keepe it vndiscouered from our giddie females vnlesse wee can find a better meanes of generation Of Gygglot-tangyr CHAP. 5. AT Gossipingoa I got besides my freedome the Cities letters for my passe-port and so from thence I tooke my way towards Giglot-tangire a country lying vpon the South part of Womandecoia towardes Letcheritania The Land of it selfe in this part is the worlds paradise I was not many leagues from Loues-den the first towne of this County when I entred into an ayre as delicatly sented as if all the perfumers in England doe yee see had lately plaied their prizes there for eternal soueraignty the whole country round about is so stuft with Apothecaries and Pomendrificoes The rest I omit The women of this wapentake are generally tall gracefully adorned and were it not that they practise the art of Cheeke-oyling ouer much very beautifully They weare nothing on their faces nor on their breasts as for the rest of their habite it is
nation he would sweare as one did once of Paris that the whole world came to trade thether I am not ignorant of the number of the people that are imagined to be in all Europe take it therefore as from the Historiographers and not from mee Italy is said to conteine 9000000 more or lesse Spaine a number somewhat lesser England 3000000 the Low Countries as manie both the Germanies 15000000 France as many Sicilia 130000 Wee know also what they that vse to amplifie vpon all things say of the number of the inhabitants of China that they do amount vnto â—0000000 That countrie paralelld with the whole country of Fooliana is rather an vnhabitable desert theÌ„ a peopled nation it lieth iust vnder the Antarctike pole as the pigmey-Pigmey-land lieth vnder the Articke and hence doe I gather as any man else may that the extremity of cold in both these opposed regions is cause both of the Pigmees littlenesse and the Foolianders blockishnesse â— nature so well gracing hir selfe by effecting the defect of body in one place and counterpeysing it with as great a defect of witte in another To confirme this doe we not see that such as inhabite the temperate Zones are generally perfect both in body mind But let this be remooued vnto the cloisters of the Philosophers I must proceed with my purpose Fooliana on the South butteth vpon Tenter-belly on the East vpon Shee-landt and the farthest corner of Thriuingois and finally on the West vpon Theeues-wijck The parts of Fooliana the peoples conditions in generall CHAP. 2. FOoliana the great is diuided into fiue lesser Fooliana's as namely there is Fooliana the fickle in the Easterne frontires Fooliana the craggie iust vnder the Pole Fooliana the fatte towards the South-west Fooliana the fond betweene both and Fooliana the deuoute towards the West Now the inhabitants of all these fiue are generally tall of body for all the vehemencie of the cold climate wherein they liue their haire a pale flaxen their heads like sugar-loues their lipps bigg like a Moores and their eareâ— thick and spacious But their conditions do not keepe all one forme some things they haue generally in them all and they are these what euer stranger arriue amongst them vnlesse he light in Fooliana the craggie they presently entertaine him with all the pleasures that their towne-house table can by any means affoord Come wee to any of them all with a dust-licking congee some three or foure vostra Signioria's Spaniard like and either commend his good face his new coate his fine hand his faire house or season but his affections with an admiring applause and this your obsequiousnesse shall purchase you an hoste whose curtesie will imagine nothing too deare for you good words faire promises are all the moneys that this nation vseth yet they haue great store of gold which they barter away for feathers bells timbrells and garlands happy hee that hath the best store of such commodities to vtter at these Ports The inhabitants are of a hard constitution going bare-brested thin attired in the depth of winter to take ayre the better marry in the heate of summer they were rugge gownes and cloakes aboue that to keep out heate the better yet they haue some Philosophotericall professors amongst them that will go almost naked in midst of winter in contempt of the colde and their reason is this that seeing all creatures besides man can bee content with haire and hide onely why should not man that is made maister to them all make shift to breake through all the battalions of colde being armed onely with his shirt of nature his skin I promise you a strong sensible argument You shall neuer take any of them solitary for they doe continually talke and contend in argument with them-selues when they are alone and in game you shall haue them fall terribly out sometimes with themselues onely one word prouoking him to teares another immediatly procuring laughter the person being all this while single by himselfe They haue also certaine sects of people generally called Fool-osophers amongst them and these haue the same credit there that the Bonzoes haue in China I haue well neere forgotten their seuerall orders some of them run vpoÌ„ my tongues end and I thinke I am not sure that there was one sort called Browne-backs and another called Clunches besides as I remember there are the Quadricornes the Barly-faces the Greenegeese the societies of Saint Patch del Culo Saint Gynny come home at noone many more that are far froÌ„ my remembrance all these giue their own allowances vnto others and begge for scraps themselues wandring through that verges of Fooliana where they finde a stone with any picture vpon it be it what it will downe they go vpon all foure with curtsies and cringes 't is more theÌ„ strange to obserue them gold is ready change with them for led prouided it haue a taile of parchmeÌ„t at the end of it Tapers and noone day meete ordinarily at euery dinner time amongst them To eate flesh is altogether vnlawfull for them but for fish take your gorge full gratis and neuer breake statute for it I le bee your warrant It is a sinne inpardonable for some of them to touch gold or siluer with their bare hands as it is also their generall custome scarcely to salute any man yet may they neither omitte crosse nor carued statue without a religious duck They whip them-selues cruelly the Spartans boyes scourging was but a flye blowing vnto this of theirs first because no man but themselues will vndergoe sore lashes and secondly because in the obedient times they had a tradition giuen them that calues bloud was a pleasing sacrifice to their gods nosthrils Their crownes are shauen eyther to put the world in minde that all men are borne bald or for auoyding heate of the head or else least the haire growing betwixt heauen and the braine should bee any hindrance to the minde in her celestiall meditation Onely two things in my simple iudgement they are iustly to be accounted too wittie in first in that they bring the people into such a fooles paradice that they fetch all the fruits of other mens labours into their platters whilest themselues sitte at ease in their cells and secondly in that they can so cunningly auoide the bearing of their crosses at home by getting grasse for their stallions abroad and by keeping their foles at other mens mangers There is witte in this beleeue me If any of these monasticall men be sick the couent neuer ceaseth weeping till he either goe for vp or take a longer day Phisick hee must haue none yet when they are in their pangs of death their foolosophers anoint them with oyle They measure not ones wisdome by his silence for so may one of Iohn of Paules Church-yeards blocks prooue wiser then he himselfe but by the choise composition and deliuerance of good
be carried vp to the height of Mount Wantwood The riuers are all so frozen ouer with the extreame colde that if any towne be wearie of the old place it may passe the waters vnto a new one Euery moneth the forme of the city changeth for euery house is separable from the next vnto it so that as soone as euer they finde any the least fault with the old neighbors away goes house and household and all to seat themselues in a new street The armes where-with this cities scutchion was whilom charged was a Snaile with her shell on her back on a chiefe argent the words Mea mecum I cary mine owne about mee but now it is the Butterflie desplaied in a field vert and floured the word Vbilibet Where I list Of the peoples conditions and attires Sect. 1. THe Inhabitants goe all in painted fethers as the Indians doe for seeing that these light things kept the little birds warme enough why say they should we desire now beeing farre more able to beare out could then those poore and tender creatures are Now when they would seeme to haue new-coates then they change the places of their fethers so that that which in the morning wore on their heads commeth before night to wipe the dust from their heeles and so the rest that which kept the knee warme but now by and by getteth vp aboue halfe a yard higher They do marry wiues and loue them pestilently well for a while keping them selues truly loyall to their espousalls vntill they either take some occasion of dislike in their old bedfellow or chance to behold another that is fairer then she and then farewell wife and welcome with all mine heart husband sayth shee for the wife is commonly as willing to make exchange as the man is assure your selues that shee taketh the first dislike if her husbands Cocke-shippe bee any way declyning They vse a stranger for the first daie as if hee were their owne brother though they neuer saw him before marry the next daie they will passe you by and forget that euer they knew yee They seldome or neuer proferre any thing which they doe not call backe againe at the next breath they take before the promise bee confirmed Nor doe they euer promise but they afterwards forsweare it vntill it bee performed nor doe they euer performe any thing which they doe not afterwards though all to late repent and bee sorie for They will not sell you any thing to day but if you dislike it they will giue you double the price you paid for it to morrow They make their lawes new euery yeare once for it is not fit thus they defend it seeing all mans life is mutable that the rules of life should not bee mutable also as well as the effects besides mans second cogitations being generally more perfect it were a strange slauery to bee tied so to a first decree that although the after-wit dislike it neuer so may not be altered Turne-coates tombe The nations ancient Coines Sect. 2. IN this Citty neere vnto the Asse-change is a tombe of one Turne-coate of small antiquity and of smaller beauty vpon it I reade this inscription PASSENGER Stay Reade Walke Here lieth ANDREVV TVRNE-COATE VVHO VVAS NEITHER SLAVE NOR SOLDIOR NOR PHISITIAN NOR FENCER NOR COBLER NOR FILTCHER NOR LAVVIER NOR VSVRER BVT ALL VVHO LIVED NEITHER IN CITTY NOR COVNTRIE NOR AT HOME NOR ABROADE NOR AT SEA NOR AT LAND NOR HERE NOR ELSVVHERE BVT EVERY VVHERE WHO DIED NEYTHER OF HVNGER NOR POYSON NOR HATCHET NOR HALTER NOR DOGGE NOR DISEASE BVT OF ALL TOGETHER I I. H. BEING NEYTHER HIS DEBTOVR NOR HEIRE NOR KINSMAN NOR FRIEND NOR NEIGHBOVR BVT ALL IN HIS MEMORY HAVE ERECTED THIS NEITHER MONVMENT NOR TOMBE NOR SEPVLCHER BVT ALL VVISHING NEYTHER EVILL NOR VVELL NEYTHER TO THEE NOR MEE NOR HIM BVT ALL VNTO ALL. Somefoure miles from Giggumbobbia there is a plaine where there were certaine old coines digged vp whilest I was there I care not much if I shew you the formes of some of them One was a square peece hauing a Ianus head with two faces on the one side and the semblance of a globe-like stone vpon a smooth table on the other and in darke rust-eaten letters this about it FBR VAR. DVC the forme was this The third was larger and of more value it seemed bearing the figure of an egge hauing on one side a leane face with a long nose and a wreath of lawrell about the fore-head on the other a Polypus a many-footed fish called a Pour-countrell vpon a stone passing well cut verely the word was Pour-Bon Pour Bon. Of the Vniuersity that is in Fooliana the fickle Sect. 2. AS I traueled along the valley Capritchious I chanced to light vpon a towne that bare some shape of an Vniuersitie The name they told mee was Whether-for-a-pennia Here met I with some shadowes of Philosophers but neuer a substance You may go whistle and saue your labour as well as to come and looke for any lectures rectors bookes or schooles of the seauen sciences here Euery peculiar man here is both his owne teacher and his owne Auditor Yet are there two Colledges in the towne one of the Skeptikes who deny that their is any trust to bee giuen to the sence and they are such absolute suspenders that they dare not for their eares decree any thing positiuely no not this that they ought to hold al things in suspence Steale away any one of their purses cloakes or victualls as one of them was serued once and hee presently falls into a doubt whether euer hee had such a thing or no Strike one of them as hard as you can he doubts of it both whether you struck hard or no whether hee feele it or no. Speake to him or touch him hee heares sees and feeles you yet he dare not assure himselfe that any one thing of this is true The other Colledge consisteth wholie of Gew-gawiasters who giue them selues wholy to the inuention of nouelties in games buildings garments and gouernments Hee that can deuise a new game or a new fashion according to his inuention hath a place of dignity assigned him by the Duke He that first deuised to blow out bubbles of sope and spettle forth of the walnut shell is of as great renowne amongst them as euer was the first Printer or Gun-founder amongst vs of Europe these Gew-gawiasters are in great esteeme in Court yea and amongst the meaner sort also in so much that many of them will not put on a tatter nor once moue without their directions Nay these I can tell yee are schollers indeed they haue deuised a new language wherein they kept the misteries of their knowledge onely to themselues it is called the Supermonicall tongue Some of the words I will set downe in this place for the good of such as shall trauell those countries hereafter that they bee not vtterly Cedarine in
this language when they heare it spoken They call the earth Silo. The soule Adek Al thing within the skin Chohos The inner part of the midriff Coostrum Aquality borne with the body Relloleum A thing naturall Cherionium Salt Al and Malek The earths vapor Leffas The waters mouing Lorindt Wilde hony Tereniabin The euill fumes of the elements Realgar A mandrake Aroph A male Cony Ircub A beginning Ilech A thinke supernaturall Iesadoal An vnguent Oppodeltoch Vineger Xisinium Star-slime Nostoch Iupiter Cydar Successiue generation Dordo An vncertaine presage Erodinium A certaine one Essodinium Pustules Bothor Lame Artetiscus Crooke-backed Nasda An amulet against the plague XenechtuÌ„ But I wondered much more at the names of their mineralls and spirits for they call brimstone Chibur Alcubrith Kibrit and Alchur Quicksiluer Sibar plissadaÌ„ azoth vnquasi Vnfined lime Wismadt The Philosophers salt Alembrot Mercury precipitate Diatessadelton A mettall like Iron Bobolt Iron Edir Mercury Missader Zaibar Minerall gold Chifir Fido. Copper Maelibeum The rust of copper Almizadir Vitriol Colcohar A compound of corall and the lobster Dubelcolep And now come the spirits names with whom they are wondrously familiar Euestrum Is the good Genius Xeniphidei Good spirits that reueale secret things to man Trifertes Spirits of the fire Caballi Goblins Trarames Apparitions Operinethiolin Minerall spirits Gamahaea An image impressed in the Phantasie Sylphes Ayry spirits Paracelsus was prouost of the colledge who inuented theÌ„ this strange language But indeed I am not sure whether this tongue continuestill amongst them or hath by this time giuen place to some language of the later edition How-soeuer it bee I haue done my duty in warning you of it before hand Of Fooliana the Craggye CHAP. 4. FOoliana the Craggy lieth iust vnder the pole the farthest of all the Land Southward it is a Mountaynous stony and eternally frosty country lying in an ayre extreamely cold and as extreamely dry Here there is an Iron Rock iust like that Rocke of Lode-stone which the Geographers say is vnder the North pole and this is the reason why the compasse afâ—er you are past the Epinoctiall declines towards the South the cause whereof no Geographer or Marriner could euer as yet declare This land is diuided into two dutchies rather spacious then fertile commonly called Solitary and the sad Cholerik-oye Of the Duke and inhabitants of Solitaria the sad Sect. 2. THE Duke of Solitaria is generally called by the name of Grumble-doro the Great a testy and seuere man whose subiects are as like in conditions vnto him as they are vnlike to all the rest of the other Foolianders Hee hath a huge spacious pallace called Hearts-griefe-Court built all of Ebonye and Iet in a most magnificent kinde of structure Ouer the portch are these words enchased in Corall Merentum locus est procul hinc discedite laeti This is the place where sorrow dwels and care Fly far far hence all you that mirthfull are The people of this nation are generally al haire-be growne leane slouenly swarty complexioned rough headded sternely visaged and heauy eyed fixing their lookes as in amazement and seldome mouing their ey-bals their optike organs stand far into their heads making them looke like so many hollow-eyed sculls Here it is in vaine to looke either for citty or village they dwell euery man in a place far from other as Hares choose their seates and professe a kinde of life most truly Heremiticall partly because they are of too suspicious and fearefull a nature to dwell in companie partly because the Duke hath expresly forbidden all men to build any one house within the sight of another or within the distance of thus many miles from any habitation whatso-euer They seldome or neuer stirre forth a dores partly for the continuall darkenesse that couereth all this climate and partly for their owne and their Princes pleasures and when they doe goe abroad they doe very seldome salute any one they meet for this is one statute in their lawes Let no man stirre abroad but vpon necessity nor salute any man hee meetes but vpon Thursdaies Goe to any of their houses and knocke at the dore you shall stand a good while to coole your toes and at last bee sent away with a snappish answere for they are the most insociable creatures vnder the cope of heauen But how doe they spend their time thinke you Faith in imagining framing fictions to themselues of things neuer done nor neuer likely to bee done in beleeuing these their fictions and in following these beleefes This is the reason why they abhorre company and hate to bee interrupted in their ayrie castle buildings You shall haue one of them directly perswaded that hee is dead and lying all along vnder the stoole like a dead carcasse If any one come to question him hee flieth in his face with most violent furie supposing him some Necromancer that hath called his soule backe againe from the dead by his magicall enchantments and from that time forwards he wanders all about the country like a Ghost imagining himselfe hence-forth wholy inuisible but if any of his fellowes take him and binde him hee forth-with deemes him a fury sent from Pluto to fetch back the soule that lately brake away from hel and now is he in the most pitiful taking that euer was man imagining his house which he held to be but his graue before to be a direct hel to him now Another is of opinion that he is become a Mole and lieth in a caue vnder ground hunting for wormes and turning vp the earth with a pike vpon his nose prouided iust for the purpose if any one follow him and giue him but a little pricke hee presently beleeueth himselfe taken by the Mole-catcher and with miserable cries prepares himselfe to bee hung vp on the hedge A third holds himself to be Atlas the worlds supporter and so standeth immoueably still now and then fetching a sigh or two sometimes lifting vp his shoulder and sometimes shrinking it downe-wards now when hee hath swet a little with this excessiue toile if any one come and thrust him from his station he presently falls flatte downe on his face with roares and cries expecting euery moment when the skies should fall vpon him and railing at the wickednesse of man that had so little respect of his owne preseruation and the safety of the whole world Another auowes himselfe to bee Megaera one of the furies affrighteth the passengers with terrible gestures shaking his haire which he thinkes is nothing but snakes hissing and running at them that come by him with open mouth if hee catch a whelpe or a catte ô how hee will torture it and imagining it the soule of some sinner taketh great pleasure in the cries of the poore beast as it is said Aiax in his madnesse did by the Rammes Another beleeues his nose to be grown of such a size as Cyngar did in Cocaius he gets
tissue embrodered with Rubies your cloth of gold doublet with the Carbuncle buttons or your Pearle poudred cassock I tissues Rubies Carbuncles cassockes Heyda my man 's an Endymion indeede now and will not change states with the man in the moone he for al his fulgid throne he sittes in Well ritch cloathes are brought him indeede euery man helps this braue King and as one saies Dant digitis gēmas dāt longe monilia collo His hāds with sparkling gems they deck And hang ritch chaines about his neck Set a diademe vpon his head adorned with Pearles of incredible greatnesse and lustree All this goes well still thinkes hee to himselfe Get dinner readie So sayd so done dinner was prepared and serued vp all in state such raritie of seruices such braue attendants such mirth and such melodie Pho nineteene muses cannot giue a man words to describe it And thus they spend the whole daie as time yee know will passe Still my fine King thinkes all his owne still Well night comes vp with supper and vp supper comes with as ritch nay ritcher purueyance attendance then waited on the dinner and for a conclusion to the feast my maiesticall King has the tother draught giuen him of the holy potion which presently locks vppe his sences in sleepe as profound as the former And then my poore twelue-houres King beeing as Virgill saies Iam simul expletus dapibus vinoque sepultus Gorgd with good cheere and wrapt in sleepy wine Is caried out at a posterne stript out of his tissues his Rubies and al his Gold-smiths worke and re-invested in his old cloathes made somewhat more sluttish then they were before and so laid out in the high way for passengers to gaze vpon where when hee awakes hee falls into as great amazement as before and remembring how glorious a blisse hee was enthroned in but yesterdaie and finding himselfe now vtterlie depriued of all hee falles a lamenting most extreamelie miserablie deploring and bitterlie cursing either his owne sloath that would not giue eare as shee had charged him to the Goddesses second call or his grosse ingratitude who being placed in so high a felicity neglected to pay the good goddesse her due tribute of thankefulnesse So away goes hee weeping and wayling with this word continually in his mouth Fuimus Troes I was whilome a braue man And exhorting all men to take example by him neuer to bee negligent neuer thankelesse but to proceede with heed and confidence and obey what the goddesse enioyned and then they could not faile of felicity Such had I once saith hee but now by mine owne onelie follie I haue lost it all euery part and parcell of my former greatnesse Now euerie one that heareth him thinkes this I hope to take better heede then so and they hood-winck themselues ere euer they come there Of Fooliana the Deuout CHAP. 8. VPon the westerne and part of the two Foolianaes the Fat and the Fond lieth Fooliana the Deuout a region fertile enough of it selfe but through the inhabitants negligence altogither vncultured For whereas it is diuided into two Prouinces Trust-fablia and Sectaryuoa the former beeing farre the larger of the two yet is it so wholie giuen ouer to a sort of rotten Ceremonies that the Inhabitants thereof are all of this opinion that one cannot doe God better seruice then in the vtter neglect of themselues There are good store of pretty Hamblets in this prouince there is Fragment surnamed the mouldy wonders-field and within a little of them Crepe-ham high crosse Cringing-beck and kissing-all-vp The borders of this nation are verie deserts to speake of and haue scarcelie any inhabitants some of the villages for some villages there are but very few as Lentestow right-maw Pilgrimes Inne and Scourge-nock are left almost vtterly desolate but that they are once a yeare at a set day visited by some Venetians otherwise their thresholds are worne by none but their owne countrimen And here I may not ommit one memorable worke erected vpon mount Bagnacauallo it is a goodly well contriued spittle both for largenesse and full furniture it beareth the name of the Hospitall of incurable Foolianders and was built at the publike charge of the whole countrie and therevpon is maintained The Proctor of it at my beeing there was one Garzoni an Italian a man of good prouidence and discretion and truelie hee hath desposed the almesmen in passing good methode and in decent order Hether haue diuers colonies beene sent out of all parts of Fooliana But for a truth the number of the monasteries in this country doe very nere exceed the number of the villages besides which there is nothing but scuruy sheddes worse then any Westphalian Inne nor is there any freeholder left in all this countrie the Cloisters haue got vp all the lands euery straw-bredth to make the deities the better cheere Foure sorts of buildings did I obserue in this soile Temples Monasteries Hospitalls and Cottages for all those that are not professed cloysterers are either slaues or beggers They are all of one religion mary they cannot tell of what but professe ignorance and neglect inquiry it is inough for them to follow their fore-fathers and to hold the places whilom belonging to Saints that is all they care for In their pace they make continuall crosses one thigh comming thwart another at euery step and so makes the forme of a crosse at euery foote of ground they passe And so likewise do they cary their armes folded in cross-like manner as if they were all in loues Melancholie They haue goodly Temples yet downe vpon their knees will they go in the plaine fieldes if they spy but any antique face vpon a stone or an old logge or so and then their beades which they beare vpon strings must needes rattle some two and fiftie times ouer There is more Gods belongs to this country then there is men Varroes nūber of the Romane gods was but halfe an vnite in respect of those They make them of stone wood and lome and some of them augment their deities number with adoration of horses hogges and hounds Euery daie giues life vnto a new deity and sometimes yee shall reckon two hundred made in one Temple vpon one day And here wee finde the olde Egiptian custome receiued that men whilest they liue are naught set by but dying they are entombed in honorable sepulture 800. pounds haue I seene bestowed at one funerall and none of the greatest mans neither In this land will I lay my bones and I doe here by will and testament charge mine heires to see me here entombed and pray that all those that doe either condemne or commend this my description beyond the desert bee sent as mourners to accompany my corps to the graue as likewise all such that shall hereafter bee guilty of immitation thereof But let vs forward with it At those obiects besides the tapers incenses bells and bables that attend the body as beneficiall
vnto the soule there are two select persons bound by the law to attend the bodie all the way with two blacke silke fannes to driue away the flies from it be it in winter when the flies are all dead and the carcasse not a fart the sweeter all 's one for that law is law and must bee allowed These Foolianders neuer touch any thing bee it Water Oyle salt Waxe or Iron vnlesse it bee first exorcised and the diuell driuen out of euery corner of it They hallow guilt roses with great follemnity as they doe also in baptizing of their bells and ensignes But here is the rarest miracle that euer nature saw or man heard of In Wonders-field there is not a stone but can heare weepe laugh mooue cure diseases sweate bloud and do al that euer was done by the Semones the Daemones or al the black guard whatsoeuer Sectarioua the second Prouince of Fooliana the Deuout Sect. 2. THe other part of Fooliana the Deuout Sectarioua is a county of much variety but little delight Euery village euery house has his peculiar fashion quite different from the rest Nor did I euer see in all my trauells such a multitude of vnruined monuments as I saw here Here was Saturnietta the seauen Piramides somewhat ruined which the citizens of this state built in memory of the 7. Angells that made the world against Gods wil then was there Abraxia the Basilidians seate wherein there were but iust 365. houses the townesmen being forbidden by an ancient law either to increase their number or diminish it Nere to this stands Gnostico wherein there are 30. old weather worne statues standing al hand in hand whereof there are eight larger then the rest all marked with Hebrew characters Not far from thence is a desert somewhat wooddy wherin the Elcesaites or Ebâ—onites had their mansions a long time and here did I see some of the ruined alters whereon they had beene forced to offer sacrifice vnto Idols On the left hand were the tombes of the Heracleo nitikes al moystned with oyle and balsame And on the right hand was the Oxhites valley where the Sacred Serpent had his caue before which there stood an Altar vpon the which their charmes forced him now and then to shew himselfe Hard by were the caues of the Caianists and that is hard by hell they say and here they kept Caines Batte and Iudas his halter as holie and reuerend reliques Vpon the banke of the riuer Higri you shall finde the Seuerians dish hung vp by a chaine at a piller the dish out of which those obstinate men did whilom drinke their water By this riuer also are the Tacians little cabbins and lesser tables and here and there by the Montanists fatall cakes all scattred about Here also are to bee seene the valesians pumy stones the Manichees thorny gardens the Psallians oratories the Patricians gallowes the Ascites vassells the Patrolorinchites statues of Silence the Aquarians cuppes and all the monuments of antique heresies But of all those glorious buildings of antiquity Rhetorius his pallace doth iustly deserue the prick and praise it beareth the fashion of all the other and yet seemes neuerthelesse to haue a perticular one of the owne There are standing yet some of the Abelians walls those that continuallie adopted other mens Children and vsed to glorie of the pedegrees and statues of such as were none of their owne fathers Here is one new cittie built by acouple of damned vagabonds Henrie Nicholas and Dauid George and here also haue certaine Virginian exiles laid a plot for to erect themselues a bodie politique O all you earthly Potentates that know the contagious nature of heresie and loue to haue your states secured from so dangerous an infection banish those damnable perturbers of holie peace vnto this country and let them take vppe their stations here where they can doe no great mischiefe The state politique of Fooliana in generall CHAP. 9. THe cities of this whole land are either vnder an Aristocraticall gouernment or a Democraticall The people choose as many Burguemaisters as they thinke good of and these must rule but neither for their yeare nor their liues but euen while the people please If any man of them giue any proofe of somewhat more sound iudgement then the rest hee is presently put out of office and banished by Ostracismeâ— But all these Prouinces do acknowledge one Grand superior doe fealty to one chiefe Prince whose name when I was in those parts was Ill Buffonio Ottimo Massimo His palace is in Fooliana the Fatte neere vnto the Deuout and beares the name of Papagalli Hee is as it were a compound of an Emperour and a Priest wearing a crowne vpon a miter or a miter in a crowne There is euer borne before him a key and a sword the ancient emblemes of Ritches Power His Key sheweth that all the Foolianders coffers are at his command his sword that hee may at his owne pleasure both take from others and defend his owne All that come into his presence must kisse his foote by an ancient custome begun at first by certaine Kings long agoe that were troubled with sores and apostemes on their hands Hee is not borne but chosen to this dignity yet not before hee bee very olde least the people should bee a weary of him as they are wondrous prone to innouation ere he were a weary of life Before Saint Sapa's chappell are two seates of Porphiry wherein hee that is to bee elected must passe a triall of his Rems and his Res ere he bee installed Hee seldome rides but vpon mens shoulders to shew that men in respect of him are but as beasts in respect of men He sittes alway and goeth abroad alwayes vnder a canopy tush these are things that others may do also as well as he let vs here some of his singularities beyond all others you shall He neuer askes peny tribute of any subiect he hath but what they giue willingly he takes thankfully and spends freely He decrees nothing against the consent of the meanest counsellor in his state He makes no lawes nor keepes any nor doth he promulgate any decree of continuance but once within two yeares it is quite out of vse He vseth his seruants yea euen his slaues with much familiaritie and when hee list can lift them vp aboue the best man in his court Hee allowes his Parasites to doe euen what themselues thinke good to breake lawes to counterfeit coines or to disperse money stamped with their owne names and faces I might haue learnt much more matter in this court worthy obseruation but that I do not loue of all things in the world to tarry in court longer then needs must No I was neuer good courtier nor I hope euer shall be Finis lib. 3. The fourth Booke The description of Theeue-ingen CHAP. 1. Of
the situation thereof THeeuingen is bounded on the West with the straite of Magellanus and on the East with Fooliana the deuout part of Tenter-belly It is a soile so vtterly voide of fertility excepting one little country that Pluto might rather seeme to haue stolne Ceres daughter frō hence then from Sicily Nor shepheard nor husbandman shall yee finde here would yee seeke your heart out yet is it not strange that this barren country should neuer-the-lesse haue such aboundance of all necessaries maye and superfluities also that it may challenge all the world in a prize of wealth and as farre as their naturall fiercenesse permitteth of delicacy too Take it from me quoth Hieremy Ratcliffe they may there is no rariety nor excellent thing of worth in all the world but they will haue it by hooke or by crooke and if they once get it yee shall sooner get a fart from a dead man then fetch it back out of their clouches The Easterne part is enritched by the spoiles of the two Fooliana's the Fatte and the Deuout the Westerne by the treasures of India together with the Spaniards Caricks and Cacaplataes for they are the notablest Pyrates of the whole terrestriall Globe Assambeg of Alexandria Barbarossa Captaine Warde and Yagup Hemskerk tush these were all meere Adalantadoes of Herring-boates in respect of the Piraticall spirits this climate affords I say it and I will stand vnto it The whole countrie is deuided into two Signiories Robbers-waldt and Lieger demaine the first of which butts vpon Fooliana and an angle of Tenter-belly the latter lyeth more West and against all custome of the other Theeuingers the wandring Robber swalders keepes it selfe in the owne bounds but both of them are barbarous and vtterly inhospitable The conditions of the Robbers-walders CHAP. 2. RObberswaldt is diuided from the two Foolianaes by the Fennes vsually called Filtching-fennes wherein there are more Ilands or full as many as is in the riuer Rawley of Guiana made by the turnings of the water The whole region is so woody and mountainous that it seemes rather a desart then a place inhabited and as Strabo saith of a cittie in the world is to be held fitter for rebellion then habitation Their language is very crabbed I could not possibly learne it onely I obserued some Welsh words taught them as it seemes by some ancient trauellers of our Westerne Brittons This Signiorie is indifferent well peopled but vnder no forme of rule each man holds himselfe borne onely for himselfe and so liueth obeying and respecting himselfe onely What he can bereaue another of by any violence whatsoeuer is forth-with his owne as good and lawfull prize and the more powerfull he growes the more he is feared and is attended by the more vndersharkers that are his followers they liue all in certaine families all which giue due obedience to the father of the houshold and euery one forbeares his own bloud and robs where he can besides freely without controll Both the Fooliana's had by these sharkers bin long since eaten vp but that the inhabitants are faine to pay yearely a great sum of money for their protection all the yeare after This ransome for a kind of ransome it is is paid by the principals of Fooliana vnto the chiefe housholders of Robberswaldt In bodily shape they are like vnto vs sauing that all but the Ilanders haue clawes vpo their hands insteed of nailes and this is not onely naturall vnto all the Robberswalders but euen to the Lieger dumanists also Vpon the mountaines of this soile there breedeth a kinde of people called the Sbanditi and these are especiall keepers of Booty-forrest a frith so called which is of that breadth that that same High Dutch Hercynian Sherewood put Schwarizwaldt Odenwaldt Steigerwaldt Westerwaldt Behemerwaldt waldt quoth you nay put all the waldts welts and gards in Europe to it I tell yee let one word suffice they all make but a dayes iourney for an Irish Lowse bee shee neuer so speedie if you measure it with this No I will bee as good as my word and iustifie that if Hercynia keepe ten thousand theeues as lightlie it doth alwayes Booty-forrest shall keepe a thousand thousand Baw waw Hercynia why 't is a blanket for a Catte a petty Cock-pitte nay a very Tobaccoboxe in respect of Booty-forrest In this country you shall not find any man of state but he keeps a fort yes verily all garrison soldiars neither are their fortresses any way beautifull but they are most iudiciously contriued both for defence and purueyance and here they that liue within keepe all that they purloyne without and that is no small prize maugre the beard of haughtie Zulzemin No they are no Shitilecocks what they haue thei le hold they are in place what 's a mans place if hee make no vse of it Now in the meane while the poore commonalty vntrusse their states and their Port-manuels vnder trees and lay their noddles close to the stumpe of some ancient Oke Sic fuit ab initio quoth the Gentleman to the Chandlers sonne so did your fore-fathers my maisters be you neuer so top-heauie now and so do these honest lads these true Tartarians that neuer keepe one mansion eight and forty houres But alas would this were all but I must needes goe on These plaine seeming Villiacoes delight in nothing but to lye in waite to make prize of poore passengers and when they catch them they strippe them starke naked they will not leaue them a tatter to serue for a curtaine to the worlds propagatour yet will they not murther as the damned soulelesse fiend-bred hell-borne Italian theeues do those durty gut-swolne toad-sprung Germaines they haue no cause indeed for their fact is not lyable to the lawe but him that they vnhuske they doe presently binde and carry in state vnto their Dukes court vnto whom hee must sweare perpetuall obedience and loyaltie which if hee breake either in running his countrie or in omitting to practise Pourloynerie once or twise in a moneth hee is forthwith condemned to commence at Doctor Stories cappe trusted he shall be no more but once trust vp for all this law maketh them maruailous mighty and againe the Legerdumanists of late enacted this decree That no yonger brother shall haue any share in the fathers land and this law hath added a great multitude of voluntaries vnto Robbers-waldt as cannot but appeare to the politique and him that can ponder it The deuout Foolianders as I said before loue crosses well they cannot loue them so much as these hate them So that though their tribute assure them quiet at home yet if they bee ouer-taken in Robberswaldt farewell Fooliander vp they goe as round as a Iuglers boxe and the onely cause is they vse to mock the Robberswalders by making Iybbets at them with their fingers The maine housholders are continually at dissention and ciuill warres amongst themselues about iniurious booties forced
5. NOw I come againe to Lyers-burie plaine which lieth vpon the Easterne verges of Robberswaldt and Legerdumayne beeing a free march vnto them both there is a riuer runs thorow the midst of it called memento which parts the whole plaine into two and on this riuer are diuers of the Liegerdumaynians townes of garrisons seated I am far mistaken if I saw not her some olde monuments of Pliny and Herodotus in this very dale Mercurius Gallobelgicus has built himselfe a delicate house in the country and there is a certaine Cardinall an Historian that hath layd the foundations of a mighty and spacious castle in these quarters For euer since Spaine got the conquest of those Indies that ioyne vpon this land the Liegerdumanians haue giuen leaue to the Iesuites those busy-bauds that must scald their lips in the whole worlds pottage to visite and to inhabite this land which the Robberswalders irruptions had otherwise vtterly dispeopled Here are many Astrology schooles whose professors are more in fauour with the Liegerdumanians then any other artists whatsoeuer excepting poets lawiers In this very place did I better confesse here then in a worse place set vp a schoole my selfe and read the lecture of spying maruells in the heauens vrinall as methodically as any Star-gazer a◠thē all I had my Ptolomy my Guido Bonatus my Bencorat my Zahel my Messahalach my Albohali my Hali Aben Razehell al at an inch and by their prescriptions wrote an infallible prognostication of these present times These Liegerdumaynians are far more sociable at least more circumspect secret in their villanies then the Robberswalders for that which these doe in publike the Leigerdumaynians doe very closely liuing vnder a law a Prince also called as I heard by the name of Tiberiodi Goldē-gripi who keepeth state in Free-purloine a delicate citty in the very inmost edge of Lyers-burie plaine they neuer stir abroad on the day time but effect all their businesse in the night they hate the sunne and loue the moone both with the extreamest of affection The trees of this soile are naturally so viscous y◠no bird can light in them but she is presently taken The greatest town of trafike in al this tract is Bagges-death otherwise called Bolseco wherein there are two streetes Tongue-street and Pawns-brooke which two in my iudgment exceed all the streetes of any one citty in the world for largenesse for buildings Tonguestreete is the Rendeuous of all the lawiers and Cause-mongers Pawnes-brooke of the vsurers brokers and taylers And surely there is no nation vnder heauen so stored with lawiers as this is who as Plautus saith of one if they wante meanes of contention play the seed-men and sow them themselues Our Westminster lay all the Innes of Court and Chancery to it is but a very Katherines hall to the vtter Temple of this streete and yet though their number do daily increase it is held notwithstanding by the best politicians of the land that they cannot continue For when they haue lickt vp all the whole country as they haue almost done already they must needs lacke clyents and so for want of emploiment goe to law one with another by that meanes disperse their euill gotten goods amongst the cōmunalty againe to leaue their posterity the means of more gainefull trading The lawiers men are all suted in party coloured liueries to signifie that their maisters are ready to take fees on either side Now as for their emploiment the vsurers doe make them the most of it togither with the violent riuer Fraude which running amongst the Quirkney Iles eateth one peece away here and casteth it vp there and afterward washeth it from thence and laies it in a third place changing his course now and then and taking away one mans whole inheritance to giue it vnto another this it is that makes worke for the lawiers The Inhabitants are most of them as the High-land men of the Alpes are troubled with Chowles vnder their chins called the Mony-chokes a malady so ordinary amongst them that they neither care for curing it nor couering it But here is a strange worke of nature their skinnes doe naturally attract gold and siluer with as powrefull a strength as the loadestone draweth steele and holds it as fast a thing that was neuer seene elsewhere and therefore the worthier of record Pawnes-brooke is peopled with all sorts of artificers Yet they open no shops but euery one attends the passengers at his owne dore with what lack yee Gentlemen then if he get a chapman hee leads him in and shewes him his wares in priuate One will shew yee a chaine crusted offer with thin plates of gold and sweare that India nor Arabia did euer afford purer mettall Another cheares yee with a counterfeite Musk-cod a third with pearles so rarelie adulterate both for weight fashion clearenesse smoothnesse and biggenesse that you cannot discerne them from true ones and then hee will shew yee the shells wherein they grew And here yee shall haue your Lapidaries with gemmes of all sortes able to delude any eye in the world the Cyprian Dyamond the Corynthian Hephestiles the Sicilian Agat the Aegiptian Galactites the Arabian Asbest the Macedonian Paeanites the Asian Alabandine the Indian Berill the English Ieat the Persian Eagle-stone the African Chalcedon the Scithian Smaragde the Germaine Corneil the Aethiopian Chrysolite the Lybian Carbuncle here they are all al singularly forged Apothecaries there are also here in great abundance and these do nothing but sophisticate receites with their Succedanea their quid pro quo It would aske a great volum to make a perticular discouery of their deceites But one thing I am amazed at grieue at their successe herein they are neuer takē in their falsifications be they neuer so grosse nor do they feare any trial of their forgeries but only that of the fire When they are tript they are punished with al seuerity but they haue this preuention for that they can change their shapes voices trades habits vpō an instant so cunningly that he doth but wash an Ethiop that seeketh for him to day that couzend him yesterday There is a famous schoole in the suburbes where art Spagirike pardon me you Alchymists or blame your selues that haue giuen falshood so good a name is read vnto the youth of the city And here they haue a booke which they hold as holy as the Turkes do their Alcaron it is called The History of Mercury a booke vnknowne to vs wherein is related how he in his infancy stole Neptunes mace Mars his sword Phaebus his bow and shafts Vulcans tongues and Venus her girdle and how hee proloind Ioues thunder being as then so young as it seemed hee had learnt the art of filtching in his mothers belly It conteyned furthermore all the documents of deceite and cousenage whatsoeuer Teaching the student of it how to picke lockes how to