or before he has any opportunity and then he is past telling Tales Tom. But won't your great men deceive them at last Dick. Not till they have fully done with them and then are not so generous as Cits great Men before they dare not for their own Interest and besides they have always Spies upon their actions and behaviour and if such a one spits but awry he 's gone he 's then like a Crackt Tool to be flung aside and when he has done what he was intended for he becomes like a Wornout-Tool fit only for the Fire or to take a Dance with COLEMAN at Tyburn Tom. I am well satisfied as to this point and thank you that you are so free with me for I should be much troubled if you should come behind Cit in any thing well I think I am fitted now for your service I pray you get me some place or other and let me be a perpetual working-Tool Dick. As most of your Capacity are for our Fools are such incorrigible Tools they never wear out therefore you need not be afraid of being laid aside Tom. But have you as much Christian Liberty as Citt And Freedom from all Humane Laws and only subject to the immediate Commands of God and the Spirit though against the Written Laws Divine and Humane and the Commands of Kings and Governours Dick. Yes sure more than Citt has For we have a better way by half than to pore in the Scriptures or to hearken to the Motions of the Spirit which may be irregular therefore we have our Infallibility at Rome who like the Sun disperses his Beams that is the Priests who carry his Infallibility all the World over And so instead of waiting on the Spirit that sometimes is sullen and won't speak we go but to the next Priest and he gives all the Christian Liberty that Citt so much brags of And having his Priestly and Infallible Licence overthrowing the Government is no Treason taking up Arms against the King no Rebellion robbing the Reformed Bishops or the Heretical Presbyterian Churches no Sacrilege taking away Abby and church-Church-Lands so long setled on Lay men by Authority of Parliaments no Oppression taking away Estates no Robbery Imprisoning Racking Burning and Tormenting persons no Tyranny and all this under the Name and Notion of Religion no Hypocrasie forcing Oaths contrary to ones Conscience Perjury and Blasphemy no Impiety and the blowing up of the King House of Lords and Commons Compassing and Contriving the Death of their Sovereign or Stabbing and Shedding the Sacred Blood of Princes no Murther Tom. Very good live and learn I say before you inform'd me I thought Citt had been the most Publick Man in the World and had been best furnished with Principles to Act and bring about his Designs of any other but I see you are even with him though he bragged he had more Villanies than the Jesuites Dick. I tell thee he is a very Bragadocio For all those things he takes upon himself and which perhaps some of them have made use of he had from the Jesuites School I tell thee man they are in all Shapes and become all to all to promote the Cause Tom. But a word as to Oaths Citt says they are excellent at Swearing Dick. Nay then if they surpass us at Swearing or at Forswearing either I 'le be bak'd For look you they swore but once in a Year or two and they were only bare Oaths now we swear our people once a Week and seal it with the Sacrament a Knack Citt hath not when ever we have a Design on Foot besides the Christian Liberty that is granted ours to to take all Oaths besides our own and to reckon them none For to swear by a Protestant Bible is no more obliging than if one had swore by the Alooran Tom. I think now I am fully instructed and fit for your purpose Dick. Stay I heard you repeat a Golden Sentence of Citts I will also furnish you with one or two that you ought still to have in mind Tom. O I love Sentences pithy short Memorials and fit to be wrote down in my Common-place Book Dick. They are these First Asperse boldly something will stick To dye for Treason at Tyborn is the ready way to be Sainted at Rome To commit Murther and to dye for it is the best way to become a Martyr To deny the Guilt of Crimes at the last Gasp and to profess Innocency is a Sign of Grace and Jesuitical Fortitude That the Pope exercises more Authority than God who pardons not Sinners without Repentance whilst the Pope gives Indulgence for Sins to be committed for Mony for a 1000 years to come To commit Murder Adultery Theft Drunkenness and the like are great Sins unless advised or consented to by the Priest and for the Good of the Cause To murther an Heretick is no more Sin than to kill a Dog To stab an Excommunicated Prince or other Magistrate is the best way to become a Romish Heroe and to have Elegies wrote in his Praise To have any Trouble or Remorse of Conscience before or after the Commitment of such Sanctified Murders is to fall from Grace and to merrit Pennance Tom. Very Good I see Citt has not all the Golden Sentences these will I put down in my Book Dick. You must believe these as your Creed have them by Heart and as perfect as your Pater-noster or Ave-Maria Tom. But what Employment have you now Dick. I am a Knave by Profession and therefore cannot want Employment but the chiefest thing that I get Money now by is Scribling all sorts of Pamphlets that may make for Our Cause Damning the Presbyterians to the lowest Pit of Hell Lampooning and Dialoguing and Lettering the Plot into Ridicule Tom. But are you well paid for it Dick. Better paid than you think for and I have a Bag by me to pay you too if you go about your Business handsomly We have already almost brought it about to make the People believe there is no Plot. Be sure you be diligent in promoting that Belief and bespatter the Evidence all you can call them Rogues Vagabonds Debauch'd Fellows Perjur'd Lying Inventive Knaves and Rascals Fellows kept out of Charity and released from Goals any thing that may beget an Odium of Them and the Common Enemy Tom. But whom mean you by the Common Enemy Dick. You are a Blind Fool if thou see'st not that why all that oppose setting up of Popery whether Church of England-men Presbyterians and the rest of the Heretical Fry by what Titles or Denominations soever for they are all Hereticks and alike to us Tom. Then 't is not only the Presbyterian Protestants that you aim to overthrow Dick. No No though we pretend That yet we aim also at Root and Branch Tom. What is that Dick. A thorow Reformation of the Whole A setting up the Mass in its Splendor and the retrieving all our Church Lands as fully and wholly as they were before
that Fat-Gut Harry the 8th took them from us Come I tell thee we hope once more to Reign and to push on the Plot in spite of those pittiful Rogues Oates Bedloe Dangerfield and the rest of them Tom. Bravely resolved I think now I am pretty well instructed in the Methods and Fundamentals of the Holy Cause Dick. I have yet some necessary Hints to qualifie you the better for our Design First as to your Behaviour you are to transform your self into all Shapes but you may for the present appear Huffing Ranting and Hectoring in the Coffee-Houses and rail extreamly at Oates and Bedloe laugh aloud at the Plot and do all you can to make it be unbelieved Sometimes put it upon the Presbyterians and Commonwealths-men and rather than fail on the Earl of Danby or any Body else but our selves you must seem a very Hector and make a sneaking Citt afraid of you Tom. Very good I understand you Dick. Then you must get the Art of Memory mark me the Art of Memory to call to Mind Relate Print and often talk of not withstanding the Acts of Oblivion all the Evils of our late Rebellion the Murther of his Sacred Majesty Charles the First the Banishment of our King the Suppression of the Cavaliers the Decimation and Confiscation of the Estates of the Royal Party You must renew all these things again daily and paint them as ugly and in the worst Shapes you can Here will be work for Tropes Figures and Metaphors You must rake in old Soars and stinking Dunghills to make the Stench come fresh into the Nostrils of the Royal Party to Incense them anew and to cause Fears and Jealousies both in the King and in those who are zealous for him against this Party and though all that Wickedness was acted by a few the base and disowned Company of Olivarians yet put it upon the whole Presbyterian Party and mention not for your Ears any Service they since did to his Majesty And though the King has forgiven and past Acts of Grace and Oblivion and commanded that all should be forgot yet I say you must now revive all and put it upon the Citts Tom. Ay these Citts are terrible Fellows they have Pike and Gun too and they are able they say to do Service if need be if Monsieur should come to aid us Dick. 'T is true if it were not for these Cits we should do our Business for all the Bumpkins but they are much agreed yet if we could but find some Triek to wrest Musket and Pike out of their Hands we should do the Feat easily Tom. You say well we might then fire Houses and cut Throats at our Pleasure pick and choose as we please the Fat from the Lean. But I doubt we are too weak our Party is too few Dick. Not so few as you think for neither indeed the bare-fac'd Papists are not so very numerous but we have an Army in Masquorade Tom. Who are they Dick. Church Papists and a many both Lay and Clergical that do not much care which End goes formost Some are down right Papists in their Hearts others are but Popishly inclined but lean so much that the lest Push of Advantage flings them to Mass and others are so absolutely Regardless so they may get either Money or Promotion that they care not much which sort of Bishops sets in the Chair And let me tell you we have of all these that will never dye Martyrs for Protestantism no small Company that when once the Scale begins to turn will bring it down on our side amain Tom. I am glad to hear on 't But I understand by Citt that all the Sectaries are unanimous nay and seem to close now with all the moderate Church of England-men in the main Points for a joynt Opposition of Popery Dick. And that I must ingenuously confess to thee is no small Trouble to us and I have wondred at it and scratch'd my Head for Vexation Tom. 'T is their common Interest sure enough to be so you know Interest won't lye They see the Deluge coming and if they go into Parties and stand not closely and roundly together now they will be overborne Dick. It must be therefore our Master-piece to break 'um That is an other Advice I am to give you make 'um jealous one of another if you can and say why if the Papists are overthrown and rooted out of the Land you Presbyterians will be never the near the Church of England will still Reign and Tyranize over you so that you had as good have the Popish Rocket as the Reformed Lawn-Sleeves Then to the Church of England-men you must say If you root out all the Papists out of the Land the Presbyterians will be too hard for you and turn you a grazing again The Papists are inconsiderable and serve but to Ballance the Scales and to make the Sectaries a little afraid of their Party therefore be wise and not severe against them Tom. This is as good as the Citts Canting I like it well 't is politickly said by my Troth But another thing the Citts are very credulous and believe their Printed Domesticks more than their Creed though the things are never so improbable Dick. That 's but one Doctors Opinion however we love our Domesticks too and swarms of other Pamphlets that have private Marks which are credited by our Party though the thing be impossible And we have Legends of Lying Miracles which surpass the Domesticks many a League yet are no more doubted than that 't is Day when the Sun shines Besides our Arts of insinuating what ever a Priest says is believ'd by the Vulgar of our side ipso facto Nay they are bound to believe it and that the Citts are not their Domesticks Tom. Then I fancy many of these Idle Reports are cunningly spread by our Party and put upon the Citts Dick. ' Troth so they are more than you are aware of we are excellent at spreading false News and raising Slanders 't is one of our Master-pieces Tom. O heaven's I thought most of those had been Citts Inventions Dick. There 's our Skill first to raise them and then to put it upon the Citts for it seems very unlikely that they should come from us because we seem by many of them to bewray our own Nest But 't is no matter for that if we beshit it ten times over we 'l make the Citts clean it Tom. But one Virtue Bumpkin excells you in and that is Ignorance for he thought the Ten Commandments were made by Henry the Eighth and call'd them the Ten Tables Dick. Don't let that trouble you at all for it is a Maxim among us Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion and therefore we make it our Work to keep the Vulgar in Ignorance and let them neither read Blble or any other Book that may administer to 'um the least ray of Light or Knowledg so that many of our people never so much as heard of
not well how to be without the Fool this Latter is the others Instrument his Tool with which he works Miracles He makes use of him as the Monkey does of the Catts Foot to pull the Nut out of the Fire So Fool you must be my Instrument and I will Instruct you perhaps in time you may get Preferment as well as Bumpkin Dick. Prethe do I will endeavour to Learn Tom. Why first you must learn to Invent marke me â—nvent things that never were nor ever like to be or if you are not good at Invention wee 'l do it for you then it must be your work to believe and to cause our Inventions to be believ'd though they be against Sence and Reason against Proofs Oaths Witnesses and Demonstration it self Dick. What Narratives of Dragons Prodigies and Strange Sights That 's the way Citt takes Tom. No no Stranger Relations though the Sun shine you must say and believe it is Night Though the Land be Embroyl'd and in great trouble you must think it is in Peace Though the Wind Blow you must say 't is Calm though it be Sultry weather you must cry it is damn'd Cold and blow your Fingers Though you see Popery spread you must say the Presbyterians and Sectaries bring it in under hand Though you feel the Shoe ring the Foot you must say 't is an easy shoe You must endeavour to turn Plots into Ridicule and to make Sectaries Jesuits Knaves to seem Honest Men and Honest Men Knaves Dick. But you must give me the means to do it Tom. Oh! you must be diligent when we Write Speak Exclaim Rail Huff Roar Swear Rant and Lampoon to run every where and publish them in all Companies and Places especially among the Fools the Roysters the God-dam-mees the Jesters the Fidlers the Careless the Prophane the Tyranical the Rapacious the Cheats the Hectors the Bullies and the Shirks in the Baudy-houses Play-houses Gaming Ordinaries the Court of Requâ—sts and Westminster-hall and every where and in all Companies to gain Credit and Especially among the Papists and the Mungril Papists who are neither Flesh nor Fish nor good Red Herring Dick. I see a man may live and Learn I think I have the Advantage of Bumpkin in this Tom. That thou hast for you may do it with ease and neither fear Pillory nor Imprisonment We have many great Men will take your part the Jesuits underhand will incourage you and we have a Party too that rather than you shall want know how to part with Money to Promote a good design and that out of pure Charity can release persons out of Prison to do their Stabbing jobs Don't think all the Policy lies in the Cits Lords Dick. And I must speak against Petitioning too and Parliaments Tom. Ay against the first with full mouth Authority will back you but against the latter Cautiously like a very Presbyterian And though we could heartily wish there might never be any more Parliaments unless it were to make an Act that some of us might Supervise the Press we must not say so because of the damn'd Priviledges and Old Musty Records Magna Charta's and many Moldy Statutes which the Common People are fond of and will draw an Odium upon us Dick. But what was that true that Cit and Bumkin said tother Night about getting of Hands and Subscriptions to Petitions and putting in false and Invented Names Tom. 'T is no matter whither it were he or not these New-fashioned Court-made Citts are often given to Lying and Bragging however though we don't believe it our selves 't will make much for us if the People will believe it Dick. I am affraid truly they have the greatest Party on their side Tom. Thou talk'st now right Fool but if they had we are the Wisest and know how to be even with them We know how to Chop and Change Persons in Business till we have Molded them to our Humour and till we are sure we have got such as will at least Connive at our Politicks Dick. I know not how it came about that the Petitions fell so soon both in City and Country till Cit Inform'd me Tom. I tell thee thou must not believe all Citt says he is a very Lying Fellow the truth on 't was many of us made use of their Wits in that Affair we spake fair to some we Threatned others we Flatter'd many and us'd no small Diligence and Policy to put a Stop to Petitioning which like an Itch had spread over the Land but indeed under the Rose many were affraid but more had some Conscience and loved the King and Peace of their Country and so were extream unwilling to displease His Majesty since he had shew'd his dislike and this was the true Reason that broke the Heart of the City and Country Petitions and put a stop to the inundation of Hands that were coming up Dick. Then I perceive these Men had some Conscience 't is true indeed Citt said they had got all sorts of Consciences Tom No no they have not all the Consciences neither for they have left some for us There is a Fools Conscience and a Knaves Conscience a Little Conscience a Large Conscience and no Conscience at all Dick. I thought 't was impossible for Citts to have left any Conscience but that they had ingrossed all to themselves But I pray what do you mean by these Consciences Explain your self a little Tom. That I will for your Edification Know then that a Little or Small Conscience is no bigger than the Bag of a Bumble Bee and this may be call'd the Fools Conscience 'T is usual to say a Man has Little Conscience and such an one is he that will take ones Money for nothing that will strain at every Gnat Kicks at the very mention of any Papists having a hand in the Late Kings Murder or that is possible for a Protestant that cannot Swallow every little Ceremony to be a good Subject He is one that Promises much and performs Little Receives all and pays none keeps his Whore and breaks his Word with her runs in Debt and then to the Fryers or a Protection sets his Instruments a work and leaves them in the Lurch Ruins the poor to inrich himself Fires Houses and Robs by the light of them and endeavours to set the World together by the Ears to get a Reward or a Petty Place to Domineer in Dick. Who would think there was so much in a Little Conscience What is then your Large Conscience Tom. 'T is much bigger than the Tun at Helderburgh and that may be called the Knaves Conscience Ten Thousand pound will lie in one Crevice of it and not be seen at all He that has it can Swallow whole Lordships and an Hundred Thousand Pound will not fill one little Corner of it 'T is big enough to drain the French Kings Finances and our Kings Exchequer 'T is so wide the Devil may run a Race in 't and be out of Breath before he