him to go out of his Dominions in three Days 'T is too long a Time answered the French Gentleman three quarters of an Hour will serve to obey him By which Answer he pleasantly reflected upon the small Extent of the Prince's Dominions XXX A KING of Spain unfortunate in War having lost several Places and Countries of Consequence his Courtiers nevertheless gave him the Title of Great Which one carping at his Greatness says he is like that of Ditches which the more is taken from them grow the greater XXXI After the Battels of Fleury and Staffarde a Minister of the Emperor at the Court of Portugal insinuating to the KING that France must yield at last being surrounded with Enemies on all Sides Ay but answered the King she has newly made two vigorous Sallies Meaning the aforesaid Battels in which the French had the Advantage XXXII WILLIAM the Conquerour having created his Half Brother Bishop of Bayeux Earl of Kent ordered him afterwards to be Imprisoned on some just Displeasure For which being quarrelled by the Pope the Clergy being then exempted from the Secular Power he returned this Answer That he had committed the Earl of Kent not the Bishop of Bayeux XXXIII WILLIAM RVFVS the Conquerour's Son and immediate Successor made commonly as it were Portsale of the Spiritual Livings One Day two Monks out-bidding each other for an Abbey he asked another of their Company whom he spy'd standing in a Corner what he would give to be Abbot Not one Farthing said he for I renounced the World and Riches that I might the more sincerely serve my God Which Answer did so take with the King notwithstanding his Covetousness that he judged him most worthy to be made Abbot and accordingly bestowed gratis the Abbey upon him XXXIV Philip the warlike Bishop of Beauvais in France being taken Prisoner by our King RICHARD I the Pope wrote in his behalf to the King that he would Release him as a Churchman and one of his beloved Sons The King to vindicate himself sent to the Pope the Armour in which the Bishop was taken with these words ingraven upon it Vide an haec sit Tunica Filii tui that is See whether this be thy Son's Coat or not being the Words which Jacob's Children spake to him when they presented him with the Coat of their Brother Joseph Which the Pope viewing swore that it was rather the Coat of a Son of Mars than a Son of the Church and so left him wholly at the King's Pleasure XXXV The said King RICHARD being told by one Fulke a Priest in great esteem for his Holiness that he kept three Daughters which if he did not dismiss they would procure him God's Wrath How so said the King all the World knows I never had a Child Yea said the Priest you have three and their Names are Pride Covetousness and Lechery Well said the King you shall see me presently dispose of them The Knights Templars shall have Pride the White Monks Covetousness and the Clergy Lechery Thus you have my three Daughters bestowed amongst you POPES I. AN Abbot leaving Rome unsatisfy'd that he could not see the Pope all the while he was there said That the Pope was no more the Visible Head of the Church II. 'T is said of Pope Boniface VIII that he came in like a Fox reigned like a Lion and died like a Dog He came to the Papal Chair in 1295 and held it above seven Years During which he persecuted the Gibelline Faction to the utmost of his Power And they run so much in his head that when the Arch-Bishop of Genoua came before him upon Ash-Wednesday to receive the Ashes according to the Custom of the Roman Church instead of saying Memento quòd Cinis es in Cinerem reverteris the Words used in that Ceremony he mistook the Point and told him Memento quòd Gibellinus es cum Gibellinis morieris III. A Discourse being held before a Pope concerning the Plurality of Livings For my part said the Pope I have but one IV. Pope Alexander VIII was 79 Years old when he came to the Papal See and in three Weeks time he raised all his Nephews He desired to know by one of his familiar Friends what the World said of him who answered that his Diligence in raising his Family was all the Talk of the Town Oh! Oh! reply'd he sono vinti-tre hore e mezza 't is half an hour past 23 meaning his Time was near expired Now in Italy the Clocks strike 24 Hours whereas ours go not beyond 12. V. A Countryman who lookt upon the Pope as a God on Earth pray'd his Holiness that he might have two Crops every Year You shall have it said the Pope but then every Year must be of Twenty four Months VI. Favoriti the late Pope's Secretary reading to his Holiness some Briefs that he had drawn and explaining them unto him in Italian the Pope wept for Joy saying Cosa diranno di noi nella Posterita quando vederanno cosi bella Latinita nostra That is to say What will Posterity say of us when they see this our elegant Latine VII An Astrologer having foretold Pope Vrban VIII that a Comet should appear about the middle of his Reign the Pope fell sick when the Comet appeared But whereas he flattered himself by the foresaid Prediction that his Reign was but half spent he unexpectedly died and so ended both his Life and Reign VIII Pope Alexander VIII being wrought upon by the Spanish Embassador in order to declare against France the Embassador to induce him to it told him that France was in a sinking Condition that it was impossible for her to hold out against so many Powers and that the King was not able any longer to maintain his Armies 'T is true answered the Pope but he makes 'em subsist at the Cost and Charge of his Neighbours CARDINALS I. THE Cardinal of Retz being recalled by the French King went to throw himself at his Majesty's feet Who taking him up by the hand told his Eminence that he wondered to see him with a hoary Head Sir reply'd the Cardinal Thus it is to fall under Your Majesty's Displeasure This great Man says my Author lived like himself in great State in order to which he was fain to borrow but took great care to pay Before his last Voyage to Rome he sent for all his Creditors cast up his Accounts with them and told them he had but such a Sum to pay 'em in some short Time and that his Brother then present would stand Security for it To which his Creditors made this civil Return that far from being come to ask for their Money they had some at his Service A Lady amongst the rest stood up and offered him 5000 Crowns which she praid him to accept to supply his Occasions The Cardinal amazed at so great Civility expressed his Sense of it in a most decent manner And turning about to his Hatter It grieves me says he
MISCELLANEA OR A Choice Collection OF Wise and Ingenious Sayings c. OF Princes Philosophers Statesmen Courtiers and Others Out of several Antient and Modern Authors For the pleasurable Entertainment of the Nobility and Gentry of both Sexes By G. M. Dispersa Colligo London Printed for William Lindsey at the Angel near Lincolns-Inn in Chancery-Lane 1694. TO The Honourable EDWARD IRBY Esq Eldest Son of ANTHONY and Grandson to the Most Worthy Knight Sir ANTHONY IRBY both Deceased The Heir and greatest Hopes of his Illustrious Family This MISCELLANY Of Wise and Ingenious Sayings c. Is humbly Dedicated By the Author TO THE READER THE Design of this MISCELLANY is both to Instruct and Divert The Instructive Part consisting of Wise and Ingenious Sayings carries along with it a great deal of good History and Morality In which Sayings the ancient Greeks whilst Learning flourished amongst them excelled to admiration The Diverting Part made up of witty Jests smart Repartees and pleasant Fancies Intermixt with the former and most of 'em above the strain of popular Wit aims at nothing but Innocent Mirth being free from obscene and prophane Expressions too frequent in other Works of this kind Whereby the Age is corrupted in a great measure and Youth inflamed to loose and wanton Thoughts Whereas this Collection may serve to frame their Minds to such Flashes of Wit as may be agreeable to civil and genteel Conversation The Epitaphs I own to be for the most part extracted out of Cambden's Remains but so culled and sifted from the rest that you have here the choicest only Some of 'em of a serious and others of a merry strain some Latin and others English Thus you have here Honestum Utile Jucundum useful Morality and witty Diversion The whole reduced under proper Heads not huddled up confusedly together as are commonly other Works of this nature The Contents OF Princes Pag. 1 Popes Pag. 15 Cardinals Pag. 18 Bishops Pag. 21 Statesmen and Courtiers Pag. 26 Magistrates Pag. 39 Ladies Pag. 43 Love and Gallantry Pag. 47 Roman Priests Jesuits and Monks Pag. 49 Lawyers Pag. 58 Physicians Pag. 61 Orators and Philosophers Pag. 63 Authors Pag. 69 Poets Pag. 74 Painters and Pictures Pag. 79 Scholars Pag. 81 War Officers and Souldiers Pag. 83 Tradesmen and Countrymen Pag. 87 Masters and Servants Pag. 91 Marry'd Men and Women Pag. 95 Dying Men and Women Pag. 102 Buryings Pag. 107 Epitaphs Pag. 110 POSTSCRIPT Pag. 135 LICENSED March 12. 1693 4. Edward Cooke MISCELLANEA OR Wise and Ingenious Sayings c. Of PRINCES I. GREAT was the Freedom the ancient Greeks took with their Princes even to the Reproach of their Vices and some of these were wise enough not to take it ill Witness the Story of a Grecian Lady and PHILIP King of Macedon Which King newly risen from Table his Head intoxicated with the Liquor he had drunk wronged the Lady in a Concern she brought before him Whereupon she appealed from his Judgment To whom said the King To Philip reply'd she when Sober This made him Recollect himself and upon due Consideration finding himself in the wrong he altered his Judgment in the Lady's behalf II. The same King having some Courtiers about him who endeavoured to perswade him to punish a Man of great Worth as having spoken ill of him I must first examine says he whether I have deserved it or not At last he found that the Party had never receiv'd any Favour from him thô he highly deserved it Upon which he sent him great Presents and 't was not long before he heard that the same Man spoke much to his Praise You see then said the King to the same Courtiers that I know better than you do how to silence Detraction To which he added that Princes had it in their Power to get the Love of their Subjects when they pleased and if they were not beloved 't was their own Fault III. PHILIP contending with an able Musician about an Air 'T were great pity said the Musician to him that you should be so Vnhappy as to know this better than I do A proper Lesson for Men in Dignity not to affect excelling in some sorts of Knowledg IV. King Philip's Wife Mother of Alexander the Great hearing that her Son called himself the Son of Jupiter and was worshipped as a God did put a shrewd Jeer upon him For she sent him word and pray'd him not to bring her into Trouble with the Goddess Juno V. ALEXANDER being at Delphos to consult the Oracle forced Apollo's Priestess into the Temple upon an unlawful Day She cry'd out and made what Resistance she could but in vain At last says she to Alexander Thou art Invincible This Oracle answered he will serve my Turn and so let her go Thus the Priestess's Words extorted by his Violence passed for an Oracle VI. Darius King of Persia having offered his Daughter with half his Kingdom to ALEXANDER Parmenio his Favourite told him Were I Alexander I would accept of Darius his Offer So would I replied Alexander if I were Parmenio VII When ALEXANDER lay dying some of his Courtiers asked him where he had laid up his Treasures You will find them says he in my Friends Purses Whereby he insinuated that he had got no Treasures but what he had freely as fast as he had got them disposed of amongst his Friends and that he did not question but they would supply therewith one another when Occasion served VIII King ANTIGONVS having made a strict League with the Athenians they offered one of his Servants the Freedom of their City By no means said the King I will not suffer him to accept of that Honour lest that being some Day or other in a Passion I should be so unhappy as to beat an Athenian IX King PIRRHVS having twice overcome the Romans and finding his Army much weakned by such Victories I am undone says he if I get a third Victory X. Dionysius Tyrant of Syracusa was a Prince who freely ridiculed the Superstition and Idolatry which reigned in his Time amongst the Greeks He was for making use of those Offerings that were made to the Idols which they had no Occasion for The Cloak of Gold which Hieron sent to the Statue of Jupiter Olympius he took and gave instead of it one made of Wool saying That a Cloak of Gold was both too cold in Winter and too warm in Summer Aesculapius his Statue had a Beard of Gold which he clipt off saying That it was not decent for the Son to have a Beard being his Father Apollo had none XI Dionysius had a Son who had violated a Lady of Syracusa Upon which he asked him with an angry Look whether he had ever heard that in his Youthful Days he had committed such Actions You were not answered he born a King's Son as I am Thou shalt never be a King's Father replied the Tyrant And so it proved in effect For young Dionysius being expelled from Syracusa became
of a King a Schoolmaster in the City of Corinth XII Then it was that Diogenes seeing him in that Station began to sigh before him Upon which young Dionysius spake to him in these Words Be not troubled Diogenes at my Misfortunes 't is the Fate of humane Affairs That is not answered the Cynick the Thing which troubles me for I am vexed to see thee still happier than thou deservest XIII Memorable is HANNIBAL's Answer to King ANTIOCHVS Who having set forth unto him the Magnificence of his Army asked him whether he thought it would be sufficient for the Romans No doubt of it answered Hannibal were the Romans never so Covetous Meaning that it was sufficient to make 'em rich with the Spoils but not to overcome them XIV 'T is said of JVLIVS CAESAR that having took Shipping at Brundusium in Italy in Pursuit of Pompey and a Storm arising which frighted his Pilot from setting Sall he undauntedly cried out to the Pilot Caesarem vehis Fortunam ejus Remember that thou carriest Caesar and his Fortune XV. WILLIAM RVFVS upon the like Occasion shewed his greatness of Courage much after the same manner Who going to take Ship for Normandy in order to Relieve Coutancaes then straitly besieged by the French the Wind then proving contrary and boysterous the Mariners told him it was not safe for him to take Sea But the King eager for the Relief of that Town and having no Time to lose bad them hoise up Sail in God's Name Was it ever heard says he that a King was drowned by Tempest XVI To this purpose was the Answer of CHARLES V. Emperor and King of Spain at the Battel of Tunis Who being advised by the Marquess of Guasto to secure his Person when the great Ordnance began to play Marquess said he did you ever hear that an Emperor was slain with a great Shot XVII JVLIVS CAESAR being gone to Conquer Africk hapned to fall off his Horse 'T is a good Omen says he that I find Africk under me This is not a Fall but Taking of Possession XVIII Much to the same purpose was that Saying of an Officer of WILLIAM the Conquerour whose Foot upon his Landing in England chanced to slip so that he fell into the Mud and bemired all his hands over Which Accident being lookt upon by the said Officer as a lucky Presage Now said he to the Duke thou hast taken Possession and holdest of the Land in thy band whereof thou shalt be shortly King XIX A young Grecian favoured very much AVGVSTVS who inquiring into the Cause of so great Resemblance asked the Young Man whether his Mother had ever been at Rome No answered the Young Man but my Father has several times Thus by an apparent Simplicity which sheltered his Boldness from the Emperor's Anger he made him sensible by his own Argument that the Resemblance proceeded rather from the Wantonness of the Emperor's Mother than his own Mother's XX. The Trojans having sent Deputies to Compliment AVGVSTVS upon account of a Palm-tree that grew on an Altar they had erected unto him told him it was a certain Presage of the Conquests he should make To me answered Augustus 't is rather an Argument how little Fire you Kindle upon the Altar to consume the Victims Apparet quà m saepe accendatis XXI Admirable is that saying of a wise Roman upon the Death of AVGVSTVS 'T were says he to be wished that either Augustus had never been born or that he had never died By which few Words he gave a just Idea of the whole Life of that Prince The Beginning of whose Reign was full of Violence and Cruelty whereas the Progress and Conclusion of it was attended with all the Blessings of Justice Clemency and Moderation XXII When the Trojans sent Embassadors to TIBERIVS to condole the Death of his Father-in-Law Augustus it was so long after Augustus his Death that Tiberius thought it proper to fit them with this Return And I am says he sorry that you have lost so valiant a Knight as Hector who was slain above a thousand Years before XXIII SIGISMVND the Emperor being told by one of his Courtiers that he wondered at his Maxim of obliging his Enemies and putting them in a Condition to hurt him when it was in his Power to take away their Lives Do not I says he sufficiently slay 'em when by my Benefits I make them of my Foes my Friends XXIV LEWIS XII King of France when he was Duke of Orleans had been very much disobliged in the foregoing Reigns by two Persons then in great Favour at Court When he came to the Crown a Confident of his did his utmost to induce him into a Resentment By no means answered King Lewis 't is below a King of France to revenge the Wrong done to the Duke of Orleans XXV No less memorable is the generous Answer of JOHN II Duke of Bourbon who was an Hostage in England for King John of France Whilst he was here several of his Subjects taking an advantage of his Absence caballed against him and invaded his Rights One of his Officers took an exact Account of it in writing which he presented to the Duke upon his Return in order to bring the Offenders under the Lash of the Law The Duke asked him whether he had took an Account of the good Service they had done him formerly That I have not said the Officer Then said the Duke it is not just I should make any Vse of this and so threw it into the Fire without any further notice XXVI HENRY IV of France walking one Day was followed by the Duke of Mayenne a burly fat Man and consequently a bad Walker who had contended with Henry for the Crown And now the King took pleasure in tiring of him But after the Walking was over Now Cousin said the King to him I am satisfy'd and you may assure your self I shall take no further Revenge XXVII LEWIS XIII Son and Successor of the foresaid Henry being addressed unto by a Deputation from his Protestant Subjects for the Continuation of their Privileges according to the Edicts of his Predecessors Henry III and Henry IV the King made them this Answer You had says he those Privileges granted you by Henry III who feared you and you had them confirmed by my Father who loved you but for my Part I neither love nor fear you XXVIII The late Prince of Condé making his first Visit to LEWIS XIV after the Battel of Seneffe the King stood at the Top of the Stairs whilst the Prince was getting up but slowly having the Gout upon him Which made him say to the King from the middle of the Stair-case Sir I beg your Majesty's Pardon if I make you stay Cousin answered the King take your own Time a Prince loaded with Laurels as you are cannot move so nimbly XXIX A petty PRINCE of Italy being informed that a Frenchman in his Court had put some Jokes upon him and his Designs ordered
to the Pope commanded him to write a Letter whilst he wrote another in order to send that which he should like best of the two The Lot fell to the Statesman's Letter as the best penned Who therefore fled into Spain thinking himself not safe in Portugal upon the King's Opinion that he had outdone him II. When the Wars in Q. Elizabeth's Time were hot between England and Spain there were Commissioners on both Sides appointed to Treat of Peace Dr. Dale a Master of Requests was one named by the Queen for that purpose and the Place of Congress a Town of the French King's Where the Commissioners on both Sides being met it was first debated in what Tongue the Negotiation should be handled One of the Spanish Commissioners thinking to give ours a shrewd Gird proposed the French Tongue wherein they were best skilled as most fit And for these Gentlemen of England I suppose says he they cannot be Ignorant of the Language of their Fellow-Subjects their Queen being Queen of France as well as of England Nay in faith my Masters replied Dr. Dale the French Tongue is too vulgar for a Business of this Secrecy and Importance especially in a French Town We will therefore rather treat in Hebrew the Language of Jerusalem whereof your Master is King and I suppose you are therein as well skilled as we in the French Tongue III. A Person of Quality going upon an Embassy had this particular Instruction from his Prince that his Conduct should be directly opposite to that of his Predecessor To which he answered Sir I shall so carry my self that your Majesty shan't need to give the like Instruction to any one that shall succeed me IV. Monsieur de Louvois being ready to set out in order to a Campagne and offering to tell what Place he was going for Don't tell us says Monsieur de Roquelaure where you go for we shall give no Credit to it V. A Lady speaking to a prime Minister of State about an Affair of Consequence and having no Answer from him Pray my Lord said she unto him shew me some Sign that you understand me VI. To a learned Man one may say Scire tuum Nihil est nisi te scire hoc sciat alter thy Knowledg signifies nothing unless it be known to the World To a Statesman on the contrary one must say Si sciat hoc alter scire tuum nihil est thy Knowledg avails nothing unless it be private to thy self For the main part of his Learning is to know how to keep Counsel VII A Minister of the Emperor residing before the War at the Court of France walked one day with several Courtiers in the Gallery of Versailles Viewing some Pictures there that set forth the greatest Actions of the King We have also says he wherewithal to set out a great Gallery by the Emperor's Conquests 'T is true answered a Courtier and the Duke of Lorrain will have a great Share therein By which Answer he meant to insinuate that whereas the glorious Actions of King Lewis were performed by himself or at least in his Presence those of the Emperor were only performed by his Proxy the Duke of Lorrain and in the Emperor's Absence VIII An old French Courtier being grievously afflicted with the Gout received a Visit of a Prince of the Royal Blood of whose Party he had formerly been That which grieves me most of all says he to the Prince in the Condition I am in is that I have quitted your Service You ought not to grieve for that answered the Prince now you have the Honour to belong to the King 'T is true replied the Courtier but had I not quitted your Service I had been long since free from the Pain I now suffer Thus he cunningly taxed the Prince with forsaking of his Friends after he had involved them in a Rebellion for which they had been executed IX A Venetian Embassador going to the Court of Rome passed through Florence where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of Tuscany The Duke complaining to him of the Embassador the State of Venice had sent him as a Man unworthy of his Character Your Highness says he must not wonder at it for we have many idle Pates at Venice So we have reply'd the Duke in Florence but we don't send them abroad to treat of publick Affairs X. A Prince jeering one of his Courtiers whom he had employ'd in several Embassies told him he looked like an Ox. I know not answered he whom I am like unto but this I know that I have had the honour several times to Represent your Person A free and pleasant Repartee which required a great Familiarity betwixt the Subject and the Prince to be free from Censure IX A Roman having entertained at Dinner Mecenas Augustus his Favourite Mecenas fell entertaining of his Wife with amorous Caresses whilst her Husband made as if he had been asleep to give him the more liberty In the mean time spying one of his Slaves who was stealing of a golden Cup Thou Rogue says he dost not thou see that I sleep only for Mecenas XII A French Courtier admired for his courtly Carriage but especially for his Art in reviving a drooping Conversation seeing one day the Court-Ladies stand mute before the Queen amongst which was Madame de Guimené broke silence and addressing himself to the Queen Is not this Madam says he an odd Thing in Nature that Madame de Guimené and I being born on the same Day and at no further distance of Time than a quarter of an hour yet she should be so fair and I so black XIII The Duke of Orleans being in a hot Summer day in the Garden of Luxemburg between two Pavilions where the Reflexion of the Sun made the Heat excessive one of his Attendants took upon him to tell his R. H. that Princes loved no Body That can't be apply'd to me said the Duke who love my Friends very well If Your Higness said another do's not love 'em boyled you love 'em however well rosted XIV The Dauphin the Prince of Conty and the young Admiral of France the Count of Vermandois with several other Persons of great Quality walking one Day along the Canal of Versailles one came to the young Admiral And there being upon the Canal a Boat within reach Now my Lord Admiral says he take upon you the Command of this Vessel and make a Trial of Skill But whilst he excused himself upon his Want of Experience a Gentleman stepping amongst them brought off the Admiral saying That he was not a fresh-Water Admiral XV. Henry IV of France being come to Rouen a President who came to harang him fell short of his Speech and could not conclude it A Courtier near the King's Person told His Majesty Sir 't is no wonder for the Normans are mighty apt to fall short of their Word XVI The same King going into a Lady's Chamber one of his Courtiers hid himself under
to see Versailles in the King's Absence Is not this said one to her an Inchanted Pallace 'T is so said she but it wants the Inchanter meaning the King XIV An ancient Lady going to visit a great Man at the point of Death his Daughter refused to let her into his Chamber saying that her Father was not fit for Womens Visits Madam answered the Lady there is no Distinction of Sex at my Age. Of Love and Gallantry I. A Gallant taking his Leave of his dear Mistris upon a Journey he could not dispense with they parted with much ado and with great Reluctancy At last she told him Pray make all the haste you can and remember that a Mistris is a Benefice that requires Residence II. 'T is the Way in Savoy the first time one has his Vein breathed to be presented by his Friends A Young Man of that Country having received a Present from his Mistris upon such an Occasion returned her Thanks for it with these Words You have says he considered the Wound of my Arm but you forget that of my Heart III. A Gentlewoman who had two Gallants one of 'em with a wooden Leg grew big with Child and the Question was which of them should father it He that had the wooden Leg offered to decide it thus If the Child says he comes into the World with a wooden Leg I shall father it if not the Child shall be yours IV. A wanton French Gentlewoman being ordered by the Queen Mother then Regent to go into a Monastery he that brought her the Queen's Order told her the Queen left her the Liberty to chuse what Monastery she pleased Then says she I won't go to a Nunnery but to a Monastery of Monks which she named and where she might have Work enough V. Another young Lady was to be sent to a Nunnery of Filles Repenties or Converted Maidens But a Lady opposed it and being asked the Reason Because says she she is neither Converted nor Maiden VI. Another as wanton as the former blaming her Brother's extravagant Passion for Gaming When will you leave off Gaming said she to him When you cease to Love then I shall cease to Play answered he Then reply'd the Sister you are like to be a Gamester as long as you live VII A Coldness having continued some time betwixt two Persons that formerly had a Love for each other they met accidentally in a Place where they fell to play But said the Gentleman What is it we play for For a Return of Love said the Lady Of Roman Priests Jesuits and Monks with Passages upon their Preaching and the Auricular Confession I. A Roman Priest being grievously troubled with the Stone resolved to be Cut. But when the Surgeon was ready for the Operation Won't it says he disable me from the Act of Generation II. Another being in drink when a Child was brought him to Church to be Baptized could not find out the Ministration of Baptism in the Ritual At last having turned over many a Leaf to little purpose This Child says he is very hard â—o Baptize III. A Priest being asked what Saint was â—he Patron of his Church His Name 〈◊〉 answered he I know not only I know him 〈◊〉 sight IV. At Nola in the Kingdom of Naples the Jesuits have a College called d'Arquo the Bow and another in France at a Town of Anjou called la Fleche or the Arrow On which one wittily composed this following Distich Arcum Nola dedit dedit illis alma Sagittam Gallia quis Funem quem meruere dabit In English thus Nola the Bow and France the Shaft did bring But who shall help them to the hempen String V. There are Monks said one that have a strict Rule and a large Conscience The Outside of whose Monasteries is all Peace and Religion whilst the Devil and War are within VI. 'T is strange said another that the Minimes should eat no Flesh and yet smell so much as they do of a Shoulder of Mutton VII A Bernardine Monk having invited a Benedictine to Supper the first desired the other to say Grace or as they call it the Benedicite Benedictus says he benedicat The other in answer to it made this Return Bernardus Bernardet VIII The Thunder fell one day upon the Steeple of the Augustines Church at Paris Upon which one said It was God's great Mercy he had sacrificed only their Steeple to his Justice for had the Thunder faln into the Kitchin 't is like they had all perished IX A Gentleman seeing the Monks called Feuillans building according to the several Orders of Architecture asked why they did not rather build according to their Order X. A late French Bishop had no sooner given up the Ghost but his Room was presently plundered A Cordelier among the rest having got the Bishop's Breviar snatched also a rich Crucifix saying Crucifixus etiam pro nobis XI A Monk being sent from Anger 's to Paris to be punished for his lewd Course of Life amongst Women was brought before a Judg who had then two Ladies with him 'T is for your sakes Ladies said the Monk that I am now brought to this Had not you been reply'd the Judg so loose upon Ladies you would not have brought these Fetters on your self XII In a Book printed at Bourdeaux 't is said that a Carmelite knocking at Heaven's Door St. Peter would not let him in saying We see none here but Carmelites When you can make up a Dozen you shall be let in not before XIII An Abbot who had a mind to make his Abbey secular told the French King that he had the worst Monks in the World and that they would not say the Exaudiat If they be so bad said the King I ought not to rely upon their Prayers and do freely dispence them with their Exaudiat XIV Another who had four Abbies three of which he bestowed upon his Nephews invited one Day a Friend of his to come and play with him at Picket I don't care answered his Friend to play with a Man who discarded so many Abbeys XV. Another Abbot extreamly given to Playing lost 2000 l. at least at one sitting with a Duke The Duke pressed him for the Payment so that the Abbot waâ— fain to sell all he had which fell much short of the Sum. An Interposer pray'd the Duke to forgive the rest in Acknowledgment whereof the Abbot should make an Ode to his Praise but the worst he could make For says he when the World shall know that you made so great a Present for a wretched Piece they will conclude you would have been much more liberal for a good one XVI 'T is said of Father Bourdaloue that when he preached at Rouen the Tradesmen left their Shops the Merchants their Business the Lawyers their Clients and the Physicians their Patients to hear him But he that preached there the next Year after settled Things in so a good Posture that none of them forsook their
my part said one 't is less Trouble to me than to swallow the Yolk of an Egg. Then sure Madam reply'd one of the Company your Throat is very narrow DYING MEN AND WOMEN I. THE ancient Romans were so superstitious and so apt to flatter their Emperors as to Deify them after their Decease Which made Vespasian one of their Emperors being at the point of Death express himself in these Words to his Friends about him I find says he that I become a God meaning that he was a dying Which he said probably in derision to the Roman Superstition and Flattery II. A Man condemned to be hanged at Caen in Normandy being come to the Place of Execution protested that he died Innocent and summoned the Judg to appear that Day Twelve-month before God To which the Judg answered I shall be guilty of Default III. Socrates going to suffer Death I am sorry said his Wife to him that you should die Innocent And I replied Socrates should be very sorry to die otherwise IV. Syward the Martial Earl of Northumberland finding himself a dying rose out of his Bed and put on his Armour saying That it became not a valiant Man to to die lying like a Beast and so gave up the Ghost As valiantly both spoken and performed as it was by Vespasian V. N. Heinsius Son of Daniel being upon his Death-bed charged a Friend of his with Compliments from him to the Duke of Montausier Monsieur Bigot and several others VI. A Popish Gentleman being at the point of Death a Confessor was brought unto him And being told what he was come for he lookt upon him and said I neither know you nor you me and so bidding him farewel turned his Face from him VII A Priest having given the Extream Unction to another dying Priest aged 90 Years Your Turn will come Brother said the dying Priest to him Your Turn will come VIII A dying Gentleman advising with another about a Preamble to his Will he told him of one he knew of Where the usual Words In the Name of the Father c. were followed by these I shall soon have done having but little to bequeath IX One dictating his Will to some Lawyers left a great many Legacies more than his Estate could bear and shewed his Disposition to leave Something likewise to the said Lawyers Who having writ hitherto very quietly began now it was their Concern to ask the Testator out of what these Legacies must be paid for upon this say they doth depend the Validity of the Will That I know very well answered the Testator and that 's the Thing which puzzles me most of all X. Another well knowing the Steward's way to make Hay while the Sun shines made this an Article of his Will I leave nothing to my Steward because he has served me Twenty Years XI Impious rather than Witty or Facetious was that Dean's Will in the Reign of Henry III who bequeathed his Estate to the King his Body to the Earth and his Soul to the Devil XII One who had been always Jocose in his life-Life-time lying upon his Death-bed his chief Clerk came and desired he would leave him a Legacy Upon which he gave him a Key and told him that in such a Drawer he would find that which would make him drink Dying not long after the Young Man greedily opened the Box and found in it but two red Herrings XIII A Person of Quality deeply indebted fell dangerously ill His Confessor being sent for he begged of God in the presence of his Confessor that he would be pleased to prolong his Life until he had paid his Debts The Confessor putting the best Construction upon his Words told him his Principle was so just that he hoped God would hear his Prayer Whereupon the Person of Quality turning to one of his Friends whispered these Words in his Ear Should God grant my Request I should be sure never to die for I would never pay my Debts BVRYINGS I. UPON one's saying that the Heart of King Francis I was bury'd at Rambouillet another said Then he is all there because he was all Heart II. John Duke of Bedford Regent of France was buried in the Cathedral of Rouen in Normandy in a fair plain Monument King Charles VIII of France being advised by one of his Courtiers to deface it as a disgraceful Monument to France he would not hearken unto it but made this generous Return Let him rest in peace says he now he is dead whom we feared while he lived III. A Gentleman having sent his Wife to be buried four or five hours after she was dead one came and told him that she was scarce cold yet No matter says he do as you are bid she is dead enough for me He was in the right she being of a great age when he married her So that it was said of him that to help him to live he had contracted Society with a dead Body IV. Another being buried by his Order without a Coffin in a Capuchin's Habit a Widow that had lost her Husband by his means cried out in the funeral-Procession Murderer thy Disguise will signify nothing God will find thee out for all that V. A poor Country-woman in Poitou fell into such a Lethargy that her Husband and all about her gave her over for dead To bury her they wrapt her up only in a sheet as is usual with poor people in those Parts and so carried her to the Place of Burial But the Bearers passing too near a Thorn-bush she was prick'd alive again out of her Lethargy Fourteen Years after she died in good earnest Her Husband fearing another Resurrection remembred still the Thorn-bush in the way to the Church-yard So that when her Corps came near it he carefully cried out several times Take heed of the Thorn-bush and come not too near the Hedge EPITAPHS I. UPON King HENRY I. Who being dead his Heart and Brains were bury'd in Normandy and his Body in England HENRICI cujus celebrat Vox publica Nomen Hoc pro parte jacent Membra sepulta Loco Quem neque viventem capiebat Terra nec unus Defunctum potuit consepelire Locus In tria partitus sua Jura quibusque resignat Partibus illustrans sic tria Regna tribus Spiritui Coelum Cordi Cerebroque dicata est Neustria quod dederat Anglia Corpus habet II. Another Poet made him this flattering Epitaph Rex HENRICUS obit Deus olim nunc Dolor Orbis Numina flent Numen deperiisse suum Mercurius minor Eloquio vi Mentis Apollo Jupiter Imperio Marsque Vigore gemunt c. III. MAVD the Empress was Daughter to the foresaid King Wife to Henry IV Emperour and Mother to King Henry II. Happy in her Poet who in one Distich thus expressed her Princely Parentage Match and Issue Magna Ortu majorque Viro sed maxima Partu Hîc jacet HENRICI Filia Sponsa Parens IV. Upon King HENRY II who by his own Right
annexed to the Crown of England the French Provinces of Anjou Maine and Touraine by his Wife Aquitain and by Conquest Ireland Sufficit hic Tumulus cui non suffecerat Orbis Res brevis ampla mihi cui fuit ampla brevis V. Upon King RICHARD surnamed Coeur de Lion renowned for his Conquest of Cyprus and great Exploits in the Holy Land Hic RICHARDE jaces Sed Mors si cederet Armis Victa timore tui cederet ipsa tuis VI. This Epitaph was also made upon him Istius in Morte perimit Formica Leonem Proh dolor in tanti Funere Mundus obit VII Queen JANE who died in Child-birth of King Edward VI and used for her Device a Phenix being her paternal Crest had this alluding thereunto for her Epitaph Phaenix Jana jacet nato Phaenice dolendum Saecula Phaenices nulla tulisse duos VIII The said King EDWARD being snatched away by Death in his Youth had this Distich made upon him Rex Regis Natus Regum Decus unica Regni Spesque Salusque sui conditur hoc Tumulo IX Upon the Removal of Queen ELIZABETH's Body from Richmond where she died by water to Whitehall there were written these passionate doleful Lines The Queen was brought by Water to Whitehall At every stroke the Oars Tears let fall More clung about the Barge Fish under water Wept out their Eyes of Pearl and swam blind after I think the Barge-men might with easier Thighs Have row'd her thither in her Peoples Eyes For howsoe'r thus much my Thoughts have scann'd She 'd come by Water had she come by Land X. Upon Prince HENRY eldest Son of King James I. Reader Wonder think it none Thô I speak and am a Stone Here is shrin'd celestial Dust And I keep it but in trust Should I not my Treasure tell Wonder then you might as well How this Stone could chuse but break If it had not learnt to speak Hence amaz'd and ask not me Whose these sacred Ashes be Purposely it is concealed For if that should be revealed All that read would by and by Melt themselves to tears and dy XI On Queen ANN the said Prince's Mother by King James March with his Wind has struck a Cedar tall And weeping April mourns the Cedar's Fall And May intends no Flow'rs her Month shall bring Since she must lose the Flow'r of all the Spring Thus Marches Wind has caused April showers And yet sad May must lose her Flow'r of Flowers XII Upon the great GVSTAVVS King of Sweden who died Victor in the Field Seek not Reader here to find Intomb'd the Throne of such a Mind As did the brave GVSTAVVS fill Whom neither Time nor Death can kill Go and read all Caesar's Acts The Rage of Scythian Cataracts What Epire Greece and Rome has done What Kingdoms Goths Vandals won Read all the World 's heroick Story It is but half this Hero's Glory They got their Victories living But our Hero got this dying XIII This short one also was made upon him Upon this Place the great GVSTAVVS died While Victory lay weeping by his side XIV The following Epitaph was made upon Pope LVCIVS born at Luca who of Bishop of Ostia became Pope of Rome and died at Verona Luca dedit tibi lucem LUCI Pontificatum Ostia Papatum Roma Verona mori Imò Verona dedit tibi verè vivere Roma Exilium Curas Ostias Luca mori XV. For Theobald of Bloys Earl of Champagne Nephew to our Henry I Giraldus Cambrensis made this Ille Comes Comes ille pius Theobaldus eras quem Gaudet habere Polus Terra carere dolet Non Hominem possum non audeo dicere Numen Mors probat hunc Hominem Vita fuisse Deum Trans Hominem citraque Deum plus hoc minus illud Nescio quis Neuter inter Vtrumque fuit XVI William Earl of Pembroke and Marshal of England being buried in the Temple-Church had this Epitaph made for him Sum quem Saturnum sibi sensit Hibernia Solem Anglia Mercurium Normannia Gallia Martem XVII Something like it was that for Richard de Clare Earl of Glocester and Hartford who died in 1602. Hîc Pudor Hippoliti Paridis Gena Sensus Ulyssis Aeneae Pietas Hectoris Ira jacet XVIII The Duke of Suffolk and his Brother Sons of Charles Brandon who died of the Sweating Sickness at Bugden were buried together with this Vna Fides vivos conjunxit Religio una Ardor in studiis unus unus Amor. Abstulit hos simul una Dies duo Corpora jungit Vna Vrna ac Mentes unus Olympus habet XIX Upon the first Seven Archbishops of Canterbury here 's a joint Epitaph as it is taken out of Gervasius Dorobernensis Septem sunt Anglis Primates Protopatres Septem Rectores coelo septemque Triones Septem Cisternae Vitae septemque Lucernae Septem sunt Stellae quas haec tenet Area Cellae XX. Upon Stigand Arch-Bishop of Canterbury this bitter Epitaph was made by some of his Enemies Hîc jacet Herodes Herode ferocior hujus Inquinat Infernum Spiritus Ossa Solum XXI A special Favourer of Thomas Becket Arch-bishop of Canterbury who was slain at Christmass in Christ-Church at Canterbury made this Epitaph upon him expressing the Cause Time and Place of his Death Pro Christi sponsâ Christi sub Tempore Christi In Templo Christi verus Amator obit Quinta Dies natalis erat Flos Orbis ab Orbe Carpitur Fructus incipit esse Poli. Quis moritur Praesul Cur Pro Grege Qualiter Ense Quando Natali Quis Locus Ara Dei. XXII Vitalis Abbot of Westminster who died in the Reign of William the Conqueror had this Epitaph Qui Nomen traxit à Vitâ Morte vocante Abbas Vitalis transiit hîcque jacet XXIII One Peter a Religious Man had this Petra capit Petri Cineres Animam Petra Christus Sic sibi divisit utraque Petra Petrum XXIV Upon fair Rosamond King Henry the Second's Concubine one Mr. Daniel made this Hâc jacet in Tumbâ Rosa Mundi non Rosamunda Non redolet sed olet quae redolere solet XXV The next was made upon Jacobus Triulcio a restless Man always in action while he lived Hîc Mortuus Requiescit Semel Qui-Vivus Requievit Nunquam XXVI Upon a Gentleman named None buried at Wimundham who gave nothing to the Religious there this following Epitaph was made Hîc situs est Nullus quia Nullo Nullior iste Et quia Nullus erat de Nullo Nîl tibi Christe XXVII At Geneva there 's an Epitaph in these Words VIXI VT VIVIS MORIERIS VT SVM MORTVVS SIC VITA TRVDITVR XXVIII One without Name had this Inscription on his Grave VIXI PECC AVI PAENITVI NATVRAE CESSI XXIX Which is as Christian as that was prophane of the Roman Amici dum vivimus Vivamus XXX Another did set down for his Epitaph this godly Admonition Look Man before thee how thy Death hasteth Look Man behind thee how thy Life wasteth Look on thy
his Album Amicorum I writ down this Greek Verse of Homer 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 That is We must make much of a Friend while he is with us and let him go when he thinks fit XXVII A Gentlewoman complaining that she catched Cold whenever she went abroad to buy Things in the Shops because they lay open and exposed to the Air an Acquaintance of hers advised her Never to go thither but on Sundays and Holy Days XXVIII One seeking for a Lodging met with a Friend of his and asked him whether his Landlord's House was very lightsom or not I have answered his Friend lodged there several Years but always went out so early and came home so very late that I could never see Day-light in it XXIX Another being forced to find a Citizen's Security and at a loss how to get it offered instead of it a Security and a she Citizen XXX 'T is said of one who never eat at home and railed at every one that he never opened his Mouth but at the Cost of others XXXI A dignified Clergyman having invited several of his Friends to Dinner upon a Fish-day his Purveyor told him he had been in the Market and that there was no Fish left but one Salmon which was kept for a Judge Whereupon his Master gave him a Bag of Money bad him go back and buy the Salmon and the Judge XXXII Two Geâ—… being together one that 〈…〉 go without a Stick as the other could not read without Spectacles the first seeing the other take up his Spectacles to read Rather says he to him than make use of Spectacles I should chuse to forbear Reading And I reply'd the other rather than go with a Stick I should forbear going XXXIII In Montagne's Book of Expences there was this Article amongst others Item for my lazy Temper 1000 Livers XXXIV A Man having dreamt that he was eating of a new-laid Egg went to an Interpreter of Dreams to know the Meaning of it Who told him the White of the Egg signify'd Silver and the Yolk Gold so that he must prepare himself for a good Chance And 't was not long before he had a Windfal which brought him both Silver and Gold He went to thank the Interpreter and presented him with a piece of Silver But the Interpreter who loved the Yolk better than the White of an Egg did not forget to put him in mind of it Nil ne de Vitello XXXV A Person of Quality owed a Gentleman a Thousand Pounds Meeting together in a fair Road where both their Coaches went a good rate the first looking out of the Coach called to the Gentleman and begged a thousand Excuses And I beg said the Gentleman presently a thousand Pounds XXXVI To one asking why a lean Person is apter than a fat one to Love this Reason was given Because a lean Person 's Heart being nearer for want of Flesh is more easily wrought upon XXXVII If you ask why borrowed Books seldom return to their Owners this is the Reason one gives for it Because 't is easier to keep 'em than what is in them XXXVIII A Gentleman riding an unruly Horse the Horse capered and kicked and the Rider unwilling to yield whipt and spurred him as fast One that stood by bad him have more Wit Another to whom the Fact was related I know the Story says he but 't was not to the Rider he spoke 't was to the Horse XXXIX One that had a stinking Breath fell a singing before Company The Words are very good said one of the Company but the Air is naught XL. A Minister in Languedoc made a Walk of Mulberry-Trees before his Church Door and every Year made Money of the Leaves thereof for the use of Silkworms After some Years he bestowed the Money upon the Reparations of the Portico with this Inscription upon it MORI LVCRVM XLI The first time Dr. Casaubon went into the Sorbonne before it was rebuilt he was told concerning the Hall that it had served four hundred Years for Disputations Ay but says he was there ever any Decision made in it XLII Upon an Eclipse of the Sun which hapned some Years since a Gentleman went to give a Lady of great Quality a Visit who asked him What News abroad The Sun says he Madam plays at bo-peep XLIII A Gentleman speaking of the Houses of Paris said They were so very high that they hindered the Prospect of the City XLIV In the Gallery of Versailles there are long Forms of massy Silver so that many Men together can't lift one up Upon sight whereof the Embassadors of Siam said it was a very good way to secure them from Thieves XLV Cardinal du Perron had a Brother who was an Hermaphrodite When he was born the Midwife explained the Case thus to the Mother Your Son says she is a Girl and your Daughter a Boy XLVI Few People know the Meaninging of these five Vowels A E I O U thus placed in the Arch of the Emperor's Palace of Vienna Where they were put in it seems to signify Austriacorum Est Imperare Orbi Universo XLVII A Lacedemonian being asked by one of the chief of Athens but a wicked Man who was the best Man at Lacedemon made him this severe Return He is the best Man there says he that is least like unto thee XLVIII An Italian Priest called il Piovano Arlotto famous for witty Repartees being come to Naples went to pay his Respects to King Alphonso then reigning Who being informed that he kept a Book of the most noted Errours of the chief Men of his Time Sovereign Princes not excepted asked Messer Piovano whether or no he was in his Book I 'le see answered Piovano who by the King's Order went and fetched the Book Being returned he shewed the King the Place of the Book he was in with these Words Errour committed by Alphonso King of Naples in sending a German belonging to his Court into Germany with 12000 Florins of Gold to buy Horses for His Majesty Upon sight whereof the King asked him wherein lay the Errour In trusting the German with such a Sum of Money answered Piovano But if he comes back with the Horses repli'd the King or brings me my Money again what then Messer Piovano Then says he I 'le put your Name out of my Book and write the German instead on 't Which Answer the King was so well pleased with that he sent home Piovano with Presents after he had intertained him for some time at his Court. XLIX A Monk going to Preach some Leagues off went to Dinner at a poor Country-Priest's House who had neither Bread nor Wine good enough for him The Monk sent out to buy better with some other Provisions And as he was ready to sit at Table he came out with a fine Service of Silver-gilt enamelled Which so dazzled the Priest that he asked the Monk whether he had made his Vow of Poverty Do you question it said the Monk Then reply'd the Priest You and I could make a good honest Monk for you made the Vow of Poverty and I observe it L. The Duke of Ossuna being Viceroy of Naples went on a great Holy-day to view the King of Spain's Galleys in order to set some Slaves at Liberty according to his Privilege He asked several of them what Crime had brought them to their slavish Condition And all pretended to be Innocent but one who freely owned all his Crimes and confessed that he deserved a much severer Punishment Away with this wicked Man said the Duke lest he should pervert all those good Men of his Gang. Thus the Galley-Slave by his ingenuous Confession got his Liberty whilst the rest were ridiculed for want of Ingenuity LI. A Grandee of Spain being desirous to have a good Scholar with him to converse with a Friend of his presented him one Whom he asked presently whether he could make Verses You shall judge of it My Lord said the Scholar by what I have done and brought him the next day a great Bundle of Spanish Verses of all sorts Upon sight whereof the Grandee told his Friend that Man was not fit for him And his Friend asking the Reason of it I confess answered the Grandee that I count him Ignorant who can make no manner of Verses but that Man sure is a great Fool for having made so many as he shewed me A pleasant Satyr against all professed Poets I mean such as make it their whole Business to make Verses LII Two Brothers lodging together who were very like one another and had the same Name a Gentleman desired to speak to one of them Which of them said one of the Servants The Counsellor said the Gentleman They are both Counsellors answered the Servant He that Squints They squint both He that is Married That they are both He that has a handsom Wife They are both handsom 'T is then he that is a Cuckold By my Troth Sir I think they are both Cuckolds Well then said the Gentleman these two Brothers are the most like that ever I heard of LIII A Princess of great Wit came into a Province where the Ladies came to pay her their Respects Finding little in their Converse that deserved her Attention and being however willing to keep 'em in Discourse she asked a young Lady of the Town where she was how many Children she had I have three Madam answered the young Lady Not long after the Princess taken up with other Thoughts asked her again the same Question To which the young Lady made this smart Repartee I have not Madam been brought to Bed since you first asked me the Question and so I have still but three Which free and pleasant Answer as it quickened the Princess's Attention so she ever since had the greater esteem and love for the Lady FINIS