access to her person so far as to suffer him to have recourse unto her to laugh and sport in her chamber in evenings it happened on a winters night being negligent of his return that he stay'd somewhat too long for in the mean time a snow had fallen and being about to go forth he feared to be known by his feet and the Lady also was verie unwilling that such prints of steps should be found leading from her door they were both very much perplex'd but love which can take the diadem of majesty from the greatest princesses put her now to do an act for her lover very unusual for the daughter of one of the greatest men upon earth she took the gentleman upon her shoulders and carried him all the length of the court to his chamber he never fetting foot on the ground that so no impression of his footing might be percieved But it so fell out that her father Charlemaign was up late at his study this night who hearing a noise opened a window and percieved this witty pranck the next day before many lords of the court and in the presence of his daughter and Eginardus he ask'd aloud what punishment they thought such a servant was worthie of who made use of a Kings daughter as of a mule and caused himself to be carried on her shoulders in the night in the midst of winter thorrow snow they all very severely sentenced the insolencie of such a person and some thought him worthie of nothing less than death When they had all done well said Charlemaign I now then Eginardus give thee two lives at once take thy fair portress in marriage she best knows thy worth who has so well weighed thee When amongst many articles exhibited to King Henry the seventh by the Irish against the Earl of Kildare the last of all was this Finally all Ireland cannot rule this Earl then said the King shall this Earl rule all Ireland and so made him deputy thereof In the reign of King William the second an Abby being vacant two moncks of the covent became suiters for the place offering great sums of mony and each of them out-biding the other whereupon the King looking about and espying an other monk standing not far off ask'd him what he would give for the place who answer'd that he neither had any thing to give nor would give any thing if he had it but came only to wait upon him back whom the King should appoint Abbot well said the King thou hast spoken honestly thou are fitter to be Abbat than either and so bestowed the place upon him gratis Philip of Macedon dream'd he sealed up his wifes belly he expounded it that his wife should be barren but Aristander the sooth-sayer told him his wife was with child because men do not use to seal vessels that are empty Joannes Martinus born in Holland was a very good limner and being in Italy he was told by an Astrologer that when he came to Geneva he should then die he gave not much credit to this prediction but it so sell out that he was sent for to Bern on purpose to illustrate the Jurisdiction of Bern with Chorographical tables He had almost finished the designed work and was entred upon that which contains Geneva when while he was about the place of the city and writeing down the name of that city he was suddenly seised upon with the plague which all that time furiously raged there about and so he died A. 1577. just as he came to Geneva The Daughter of Polycrates dreamed that Jupiter bathed her father and Apollo annointed him and it came to pass that he was crucified in an open place where the sun made his body run with sweat and the rain was hed it One dream'd that he should be devoured of a long dragon and a little after a maker of sausages did him much injurie and troubled him exceedingly That was an ingenious conjecture I say not Prophecy of Seneca the Tragedian concerning the discoverie of America Venient annis Secula seris quibus oceanus Vincula rerum laxet ingens Pateat tellus Typhisque novos Detegat orbes nec sit terris Ultima Thule Daphida was one of those whom they call Sophists and out of a foolish insolencie he went to Delphos to consult the oracle of Apollo for no other purpose but to deride it he inquired therefore if he should find his horse whereas indeed he had no horse to seek Apollo answer'd that he should undoubtedly find his horse dut should be so troubled with him that it would be his death the Sophist turned back jesting as supposing he had deluded the Deity but in the way he fell into the hands of King Attalus one whom he had often abused and bitterly provoked by his scurrilous wit the King therefore gave order they should take him to the top of the rock call'd Equus the Horse and cast him down headlong from thence One of the Popes was very active at Rome not only upon the account of present affairs but ripping up of old matters for which he appointed a select committie severely to examin accounts and errors pass'd not only in the time of his immediat predecessor but others upon this there was a pleasant Pasquil made for there being two statues one of St. Peter the other of St. Paul upon a bridg one had clapt a pair of spurs upon St. Peters heels with a paper on St. Paul asking him whether he was bound he answers I apprehend some danger to stay now in Rome because of the severe committe that is lately appointed for I fear they will question me for denying my master truly brother Peter says St. Paul I shall not stay long after you for I have as much to dought that they will question me for persecuteing the christians before I was converted Herodotus tells us that the Egyptians do not presently deliver the dead bodies of such who have been very beautifull to the Pollinctors to be embalm'd least an abuse should be committed by any of the embalmers as once there was upon which account Dr. Brown in his vulgar errors says surely deformity needeth not now complain nor shall the eldest hopes be ever superannuated since death hath spurs and carcases have been courted Perses the brother of Hesiod had by corrupting some great men gotten from him the half of his estate 't is no matter says he they have not don me so much prejudice as they imagin 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the half is more than the whole Such a vicissitude of things there is in the world matter being in a perpetual flux and never at a stay that a certain Astrologer hath made this subtle observation if it were not for two things that are constant the one is that the fixed stars ever â—tand at like distance one from an other and never come nearer together nor go farther asunder the other that the diurnal motion perpetually keepeth time no individual would
handsom being visited by a friend who congratulated his happiness he said he thought himself indeed an happy man and if he were un-married he should not think any courtship too much for the obtaining of such a match though said he The thing for which we woo Is not worth so much a do Suppose sais one to a modest Gentle-woman you and I were in a room naked together which part would you cover first your eyes Sir said she Sir Thomas More A. 1480. was born in Milkstreer at London the brightest Star sais an Historian that ever shined in that viá lacteâ when he was Chancellor in the reign of King Henry the eighth he call'd for trial of the next suit 't was answered that there was none depending all suits in that court being then determin'd whereupon one made the ensueing rhimes When More some years had Chancellor been No More suits did remain The like shall never More be seen Till More be there again A countrie Tenant invited his Land-lord from the citty to his house to dinner the provision was a legg of mutton boill'd with turnips his wife for the better entertaining of so great a guest had thinly besprinkled the legg of mutton with nutmeg and sugar what have you don here said her Land-lord o dear Sir I pray excuse me I did it so in hast but the box is not far off so she took an handfull brown sugar more and strewed on it saying indeed Land-lord I cannot make it too good for you A reverend Person notwithstanding the gravity of his years and the dignity of his place was ever addicted to rallie scoff and jear at all things and persons promiscuously spending his jests and droles upon persons though of never so great integrity when this wittie man whose christian name was Jasper died one said of him Quoth Jasper to Peter let in my soul Quoth Peter to Jasper you do but drole A young Lad had a mind to know what fortune he should have in the world the Astrologer told him that he should get his liveing by bauds whores bastards thievs and quarrellers this for the present seem'd very strange to him vet more than 20 years afterwards being setled in a convenient place he was made a Justice of peace and then was known to live very worshipfully upon no small fees rack'd out of such delinquens A worthie Person of a noble and ancient but much degenerated familie being to sit for his picture told the limner that he should draw him in a masons habit with a trowel in his hand and this motto underwritten Ad re-aedificandam antiquam Domum Repairing a decaied House A wittie Gentleman more than ordinarily curious concerning his health desired to know the particular seasons of eating and drinking whether 't is better to eat and drink most at evening or most at noon and the like was to put a stop to his present curiosity to dispatch al such kind of nice inquirys for the future briefly answer'd by his Physician thus when ever hunger beggs I suppose Sir you 'll be charitable and feed her and when ever thirst puts a dry jest on you I hope you 'll answer her as some of you Inns of Court-gentlemen do schollars by drinking to her Alexander the Great desired to know who were more in number the living or the dead answer was return'd the living with this reason quia mortui non sunt One sent for a Physician and told him that he was verie much afflicted with a Tertian ague in what manner does it take you said he o Sir said the Patient I am so troubled with it it takes me everie day A Lady told an old Batchellor that look'd very brisk and yong that she thought he had eaten a snake he look'd so young no said he 't is because I never medled with any snakes that makes me look so Lucullus a General of a great armie being surpris'd by his enemies and that on an ominous unluckie day as all the soldiers call'd it and were much dis-spirited thereby he made a short speech to them concluding thus Now my friends 't is left only to the vallour and magnanimitie you are maffers of to verifie the happie dream I lately had that we are the men design'd to change a black day into a white he led them on they fought accordingly and the success was answerable A poor Woman a natural fool used ever now and then to come to a conduit in the cittie where she dwelt and upon the ridge of it would put a looking-glass and there hold a discourss with her picture she afforded huge civilities to this her neighbour as she call'd her with whom she would somtimes consult verie seriouslie somtimes be excceding merrie at last upon being somwhat more finely dress'd as she fancied than she used to be in a verie great furie she broke the glass all to pieces against the conduit and being ask'd why she did so she said her neighbour would never go away first nor give her the upper hand An ingenious Person in dispute at a public act at Oxford being put hard to it that he might not appear quite baffled invented a distinction that was never heard of before sumitur sâ—id he vel simpliciter vel catapodialiter the Opponent desired him to tell him what he meant by catapodialiter to which he return'd that he stood not there to explain terms and so the Opponent immediatly pass'd to an other question A neat but emptie Lawyer homo in causis agendis bene veslitus ever well adorn'd without tho not so within had the name of necessitie fixed upon him one hearing it said that was not his right name to which 't was returned by the other if it is not it ought to be for I am sure he has no law Mahomet made the people believe that he would call an hill to him and from the top of it offer up his prayers for the observers of his law the people assembled Mahomet call'd the hill to come to him again and again and when the hill stood still he was never a while amaz'd but said if the hill will not come to Mahomet Mahomet will go to the hill One pleasantly said that an honest man in these days must needs be more honest than in ages heretofore propter antiperistasin becauss his honesty being enclosed amidst contraries must needs be stronger and more compact in it self Antiperistasis is a repulsion on ever part whereby heat or cold becomes stronger from being restrain'd by its contrarie Philip of Macedon perswaded the greek Embassadors that they should invite their citties to concord in the mean while one concern'd in the affair could not but laugh at him for his council is it not ridiculous said he for him to set him self up a Mediator of peace among the greek Republicks who is always wrangling at home with his wife Olympias Aesop has a fable concerning the Fox and the Cat wherein the Fox brags what a number of shifts he
left in the shop 24. Oliver the late Usurper rideing abroad one day in his Coach Hugh Peters was mounted on a Steed and followed after it chanced a suddan shower of rain to fall whereupon Oliver being unwilling his Chaplain should be wet sent him his coat to keep him dry Which Hughkin modestly refused returning this answer to the messenger that he would not be in his coat for a thousand pound 25. Pride and Hewson two of Cromwels pageant Lords the one formerly a Drayman the other a Cobler these two meeting together Pride told Hewson he saw a piece of coblers wax sticking upon his scarlet cloak No matter for that said Hewson an handfull of brewers grains will wipe it off well enough 26. Henry the eighth being abroad on hunting through the eager pursuit of his game lost his attendants at length he wandred to the Abby of St. Albans where unknown he dined with the Abbot and fell so stoutly on that the Abbot takeing notice thereof said he would give an hundred pound he had so good a stomach for quoth he my stomach is so queasie that I am ready to surfeit with pestle of a Lark or the wing of a Partridg The King remembring his words the next day sent for him up by a couple of Pursevants and without shewing any reason clapt him in the tower where he was fed for a fortnight with only bread and water At last the King sent him a rib of roast beef on which he fed so heartily and made so deep an impression that the King stepping from his Coverture where in he stood to see what the Abbot would do demanding of him his hundred pounds saying Since I have been your Physitian and recovered your stomach pay me my money which the Abbot was forced to do 27. The same King Henry haveing a months mind to the Abbot of Glastenburies estate who was one of the richest Abbots in England sent for him to his court and told him that without he could resolve him three questions he should not escape with his life The Abbot willing to get out his clutches promised his best endeavours The Kings questions were these First of what compass the world was about Secondly how deep the Sea was and Thirdly what the King thought The Abbot desired some few days respite which being granted he returned home but with intent never to see the King again for he thought the questions impossible to be resolved This his grief coming at last at the ears of his Cook he undertook upon forfeiture of his life to resolve these riddles and to free his Master from danger The Abbot willingly condescended So the Cook got on the Abbots cloaths and at the time appointed went to the Court and being like the Abbot in Physiognomy was taken by all the Courtiers to be the same man When he came before the King omitting other circumstances he thus resolved his three questions First of what compass the world was about he said It was but twenty four hours journey and if a man went as fast as the sun he might easily go it in that space The second How deep the Sea was He answered Only a stones cast for throw a stone into the deepest place of it and in time it will come to the bottom To the third which I concieve saith he your Majesty thinks the most difficult to resolve but indeed is the easiest that is what your Highness thinks I answer that you think me to be the Abbot of Glastenburie when as indeed I am but Jack his Cook 28. A Milk-Woman in London that had by mixing water with her milk gotton the sum of an hundred pounds to increase it more ventured the same in a voyage at Sea but by chance of tempest the ship was cast away which the woman hearing of Then farewell hundred pound quoth she lightly come lightlie go I got it by the water and I lost it by the water 29. A young Wench who had taken a dram of the bottle went with her water to Doctor Trigg who told her the baker had been too busie with her and left a pennie-loaf in her bellie No indeed Sir said she you are mistaken it was not he it was my Fathers man 30. One by chance spit in another mans face whereat as being sorry for his offence he said I cry you mercy Sir for spitting in your face but if you please to lie down I will tread it out again with my foot 31. Two or three Gentlemen were drinking together whereof the one of them was named Sampson being in discourse concerning the differences betwixt the English and the Dutch one of them said What need we to fear the Dutch since here is Sampson able to conquer them all True said Sampson that I may do if you please to lend me one of your jaw-bones 32. A rustical Husbandman challenged kindred of an eminent Bishop of this land requesting him to bestow an office upon him Cousin said the Bishop if your Cart be broken I 'll mend it if your Plough be old I 'll give you a new one and seed to sow your land but an husbandman I found you and a husbandman I 'll leave you 33. A Taylor sent his man to a Gentleman with a long bill for some little money due to him who rather willing to cavil than to pay in a great rage said Why Sirrah does your Master think I am running away that he is so hastie to send for his monie No Sir said the servant my Master doth not imagin you to be about to run away hut he himself is which makes him so earnest with you and others to get money to carrie a long with him 34. A Gentleman walking over Lincolns-Infields was followed by a Beggar and earnestly importuned with the terms of Good your honour pray your Worship sweet Master bestow something on me He to try this Beggars humour said that they use to call such as gave them nothing Rogues and Rascals No indeed said the Beggar not I I scorn to do it Well said the Gentleman I 'll trie thee for this once but the Beggar return'd him such a peal in his ears that he was glad to mend his pace to get out of the hearing of it 35. Two Gentlemens Servants being drinking together chanced to fall out and at last amongst other discourse fell to vying the nobleness of their Masters one of them saying My Master spends more in Mustard than yours does in Beef To whom the other replied The more sawcie men his followers 36. A talkative man who took himself to be a grand Wit was boasting that in what companie soever he came he was the leader of the discourse and that none durst speak in his presence if he held his peace No marvail said one for they are all struck dumb at the miracle of your silence 37. A Gentleman coming to court in his coach as he was lighting out of it asked a Page that retained to some person therein