what we should do to overcome these enemies and sends many motions of the Spirit to bring into our souls grace to strengthen us We will not do what he adviseth us to do nay but we take part with our corruptions and resist and fight against the power of the world to come Oh thy patience is not to be understood I am weary to think before I go to prayer how little fruit I expect from them I pray and pray and weep and reade and hear and sigh and confesse these as well as other of my sins and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the present but they presently return to their former course Lord do not the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee to see me thy poor Servant in such a miserable condition as I am in Dost thou not see how sin and corruption do as it were lie gnawing upon me and eating up my very flesh and destroying my soul and I have neither hand nor foot to move against them Lord who is it that must make me hate corruption is it not thy Spirit Who must overcome my resisting of thy Spirit is it not thy Spirit Lord I do not know in the world what to do to leave off striving were not only to despair of thy goodnesse because thou dost not help as much and when I will and besides if I cannot get ground nay though notwithstanding I lose ground yet doubtlesse I shall not go so swiftly down stream as if I strove not at all if I must be forsaken by thee to all Eternity yet Lord let me not while I live so fall that I should be a scandal to Religion Alas Is it come to this O my soul that I must say If God will forsake me for ever Meditat. VI. In the most serious addresses of my soul to take hold upon God I finde an unhappy frozennesse benumme the best of my devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extremely ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse senselesse of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am gulity of but specially because such duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not foften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled then before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy fatherly goodnesse I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely murmure and be weary of the chastisement of the Lord It may be I shall pray for the taking off of that corrasive before it hath eaten away that deadnesse of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yeeld to such praiers go on with thy cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption we shall blesse thee one day for not hearing and not granting such praiers as shall be for our spirituall harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no root of bitternesse in me If I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. VII Since our dear Lord Jesus Christ hath loved me and given himself for me oh that my heart was ravisht with his love oh that he was the beloved of my soul and that I were sick of his love who died for the love of me Oh that I could not be staied but with his flaggons This my Jesus the chiefest of ten thousand hath told me that he that saw thee saw the Father whereby I understand that thou art just as he was as pitifull as gracious as willing to forgive as sweet and as easie to be entreated as my good Saviour and in all the things and passages that thy Word hath made known to us of him I reade not of one of all that came to him not one poor soul that ever beg'd any grace or any pardon nor never did any come to be healed of any bodily disease in vain Lord thou art as he was Lord Jesus thou art as thou wast thy being in heaven makes thee not lesse like thy Father or thy self Blessed God I do beseech thee I do beseech thee to give me to give me thy poor hard-hearted Servant a soft heart Lord Jesus I beseech thee thou seest mine hard my poor heart desire as imperfectly as coldly to make Intercession for me me for whom thou hast paid a dear price as one that hath been so long from his Friend that he can hardly call to remembrance what countenance he hath So I poor I that cannot chuse but pity the sad condition of mine own heart which though it doth not uncessantly and importunately desire grace as it should yet methinks it is a sad thing to see it in such a carelesse temper I am such a stranger to thee that I have much a do to make one thought of thy sweet love and excellencies that may affect my heart and bring the sweet apprehensions of thee to remembrance Thy tender mercies and former relishes of thy goodness are to me like the shadow of death they are as Christ walking upon the waters they terrifie me Lord let me weep thee to me again Oh my God I am undone undone undone a poor undone creature Those in desertion are in a thousand times better condition then I am they want the comforts but then indeed they have the graces of the Spirit but is not my poor soul that wants both in a sad condition that can sit down and fall asleep when I should seek my Saviour I have a soul of such a temper as makes me wonder at my self as in the Spring and sometimes there will come a cloud that will seem to overspread the Heavens and yet on the sudden all will be blown over and the day so fair that there will not be a cloud to be seen So am I sometimes my heart is full of sorrow and mine eyes full of tears and yet upon the suddain my heart loseth that sweet sad temper and all is blown over and not a cloud appears and these clouds of grief are not dispersed with the comforts and joys of thy
this dulnesse and deadnesse of heart that is the just reason why I shed them and if thou shalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love I shall shed more tears for my wandring thoughts in praier then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of Alas Lord the ordinary daies of thy Saints are farre more holy then the daies I set apart for speciall service of thee And their thoughts in the midst of their worldly businesses are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers were alwaies with thee I scarce did any thing though almost of never so small moment but the reason why I did it this or that way was because it was some way or other more for thy glory Lord It is not thy fault for thou dost wait to shew mercy whether my wretched heart will consent to it or no This I do set down as an infallible trurh and let all the world give thee the glory of it All thy waies are holy just and good and thou dost stretch out thine arms to embrace us it is our fault that we do not run into thy bosome the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our bosomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us and so we not coming we want that experimentall knowledge of thee that would if we had it make us not so timorous of comng to thee as we are Meditat. XXI Before I begin to write I know I have more cause to write in bloud or tears then in ink Can a Mother forget her childe It is not Can a childe forget the Mother nor is it Can a Mother her childe if the childe forget her or Can there be any case wherein the Mother can forget her childe Lord do thoo awaken mine heart for it is asleep Lord do thou raise mine heart for it is dead Do thou thaw mine heart for it is frozen Lord thou art that celestial fire that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last I shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuffe of a candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stanch What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to say to my God Lord thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an adulterer defile a woman and she cry not out then she shall be put to death Lord infidelity hypocrisie and vain-glory are come to undoe me to defile my soul and they have almost perswaded my soul not to cry out to be ravisht is a great affliction but to embrace the adulterer is an abomination If I cry to men for succour if I go to Ordinances alas the adulterer is a strong man he hath locked the doors of my soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord doe not stand knocking at the door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor soul corruption and corruption and sin after sin will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas methinks I look upon my poor soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a wave and carries it with violence among the midst of the rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it is dasht in peeces and all fain to get upon broke peeces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be my soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a man astonisht and as a mighty man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewell all my duties farewell all my graces and all my comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my tongue Must I have no more comforts but what poor creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine own doctrine Lord I am a poor miserable man and a more miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these daies of ignorance and sin will not alwaies last when my change comes I shall no more sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the grave behinde me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a talent of lead upon my soul and hinder my flight come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me enough enough my soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joys sometimes I have to think of thee tears for my sinnes are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead man arraied with all the richest clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadnesse then there is comfort in the multitude of them this I know by experience that one looks upon hell upon whatsoever one looks but up-Christ yet Christ is not sweet unto me my dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetnesse I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetnesse of this Truth that all things are dross and dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is mine estate mine health mine life my liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in spirituall affections all my daies now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to humane learning it was wonderfull delightfull to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To reade the Mathematicks was wonderfull delightfull because they prove such strange things
out on others I am not moved nay those very Stories and sayings which have formerly inflamed me now are as sparks falling into the Sea warms not at all alas when I shall meet thee at the last day thy mercies they shall testifie against me when they shall witnesse my slieghtings of them my fruitlesnesse under them and unthankfulnesse for them What can I say Alas my poor soul we are undone but that day is not come yet one hour more the Lord it may be will give me Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Come into my poor soul for I am afraid to meet thee at the Tribunal of thy judgement If thou wert on the earth methinks I could go with confidence to thee that thou wouldest hear me but now thou art in heaven I cannot Blessed are they who have not seen and yet beleeve Lord I have received double for all my sinnes in respect of any profit or pleasure I have had by them I have had full measure prest down and running over but alas my vexation of spirit is more gall then all the pleasure that I have had that have been worldly the losse and want of the discoveries of thy love cannot be recompensed with all that the world hath thy loves are better then wine indeed in respect of the offence to thee every prayer deserves hell Meditat. XLV Lord I am as afraid of comforts as of terrours for when I have comforts I am subject to pride my self in them and in stead of having sweet thoughts of thee have high thoughts of my self Afflictions breed sorrow and comforts pride Sorrow is better then pride My preaching is my temptation and my accuser If I preach not the strictest waies of God my negligence condemns me and if I do my Sermons condemn me For my life is hell I am afraid of publishing something I have by the help of thy Spirit written lest my life should do more harm by scandal then the writings should do good by directing to holinesse and yet sometimes I think that if I publish and own such writings they would be a strong engagement to live more holily But I have something against that also for that Motive would in short time lose its strength Such waxen wings would melt and let me fall to my former waies and that holinesse which is born up with such carnal motives is a poor thing Lord how am I distracted and torn in peeces with these thoughts Nay Lord if thou wilt have me go with these burthens on my soul do whatever seems good in thine eyes If I may but drudge in thy house though I lie among the pots yet to be a skullion in thy house is better then to sit at the Table of Princes Lord I am undone except thou work a miracle of mercy yet if I am undone it may before thou givest me over and discoverest me to the world thou wilt let me do something more that may glorifie thee and edifie the people nay it may be thou maist suffer me as long as I live to do much of which thou maist have glory Lord if my heart be not upright yet O that my actions and my Preachings may be such that men seeing and hearing them may be stirred up to glorifie thee by doing those things sincerely which I it may be do out of hypocrisie I am sure too much hypocrisie Lord I have begged for such a heart as may not deceive me nor dishonour thee O my God What shall I do Nay Lord what wilt thou do I am undone unless thou dost work mightily above all I can speak or think according to that mighty power wherewith thou didst raise the Lord from the dead O that I might be so raised that I might return no more to corruption Meditat. XLVI By this I know and am sensible It is not for any man to live by his own strength by my knowing how impossible it is for a sick man to recover without thee If a living man cannot speak how can a condemned man live without thee If living bones cannot move how can dry bones live Lord thou meetest me not at duties thou speakest not to me there thou speakest to me in mercies and I answer not in judgements and I carry my self as a sleepy man that is unwilling to be awaked What wilt thou do with me Lord when I will neither speak to thee nor answer thee when thou speakest O the weaknesse of my graces and the power of thy mercies Those sinnes I have had a minde to commit thou hast taken from me the opportunity to commit It is a comfort to me that I had not opportunity but it would be a greater comfort not to have a minde An Instance according to the Rules given for meditating on the Scripture A Meditation on these words ISA. 66.2 But to this man will I look even to him that is poor and of a contrite spirit and trembleth at my Word 1. LET us seriously consider O my Soul That if an Angel or God himself from Heaven had spoken these words in our hearing as once Christ did to Paul when he was going to Damascus surely I think they would have very much affected us Is the Word of God lesse his Word because it is written I reade that the Apostle 2 Pet. 1.17 18 19. speaking of a voice that he himself heard from Heaven saith that he had a more sure word of Prophecy that is as I conceive that he was no lesse sure that the words of the Prophets were the very words of God then those that he heard with his ears Then let us not be lesse affected with these words then if we our selves had heard God himself speak them 2. Nor let us think that they lesse concern us then if we had earnestly begged of God to tell us what he would have us to be and do and as an Answer of our praiers we had heard him speak to us from heaven in particular To this man will I look that is of a poor and contrite spirit and trembleth at my Word For doubtlesse God hath not caused his Word to be written in vain at a venture for whomsoever should reade it but knew not who they were should reade it but he knew every particular person to whose hand his Word should come and knew his Word should come to my hands and I should reade these very words and therefore caused them to be written in particular for my sake though not exclusively Christ died for all his people yet Paul saith that he loved me and gave himself for me and Christ did think particularly of Paul and so of every one else for whom he died and gave himself up as a Sacrifice and ransome particularly thinking on and intending every one that should be saved by his death If a Minister should go to one that is given to Swearing and tell him of the hainousnesse of that sin and lay it home to his conscience in private it generally doth affect him
Thine excellencies are too high for me Wisedome is too high for fools O that thou wouldst take me out of mine own hands and deliver me from my self and howsoever my heart is not importunate enough now I shall thank and praise thee to all Eternity if thou wilt make me thine Thou hast done as much to draw me with the cords of love even to wonder Lord do thou snatch me as a firebrand out of the fire if thou shouldst stay till I am willing without thy making me so I am lost For I shall never part with these painted vanities for all the glory in heaven except thou givest me the eye of faith to see it and a spiritual palat to rellish it Meditat. XXXVIII O Lord wilt thou let a poor sinner lie gasping out his last breath at thy feet and die in thine arms I have abundance of love for the world O that thou hadst it all I am sure I am not nor shall never be at quiet until thou hast it nor would I sleep until I am in thine arms of love My dearest God how comes it to passe that my heart cannot give it self to whom it will Had I a thousand worlds I would give all for thee that I might be thine O my soul why should we stand consulting and contriving what to do God is ten thousand times more then all things Why should we weight a Talent of Lead and a Feather together to see which is heaviest O Lord my soul hath chosen thee long ago I have abundance of experience of the truths of those things which I have beleeved I am thine and thou art my God Thou hast chosen me and I have chosen thee If I should be so vain at any time as to leave thee thou art the same and thy choice fails not Thou Lord which madst me chose thee whilest I had no experience of thy love wilt make me continue my choice Lord that any one should choose hell before thee It makes thee not to be lesse glorious Lord must my blasphemies praise thee I finde so much hell in my heart that it is not troubled in any proportionable measure that there is so much hell in it When I set apart an hour for Meditation and praier then I keep my heart somewhat close but at other times I am little careful to improve what I reade or heart to enflame my heart I had better not set an hour apart and give thee all the day by thinking alwaies of thee Lord I do now acknowledge for then I shall not but if thou shouldest leave me I should be too much given to blaspheme thee Nay blessed God let that never be Lord it shall never be When I consider the desperate hypocrisie of my heart I may every morning expect that thou shouldst give me up to a reprobate sense to commit sinne with greedinesse When I think of these things I pour out my soul within me to think with my self I shall lose my estate a little troubles me to think I shall lose such a friend it affects me more but to think I shall lose my God and become an Apostate that 's a hell unto me I have begged of thee as for my life that thou wouldst not leave me and now I beg O forsake me not utterly To have such a heart that will neither inflame my words nor be inflamed by them is that which hath not been so Lord except thou wilt follow one that will not stay when thou callest and overtake one that runs from thee when thou followest I am lost Well though I am sure my froward and carelesse carriage will justifie thy justice if thou condemn me and magnifie thy mercy if thou savest me Meditat. XXXIX Lord this day is thine own and by being thine is more mine I must now burn without coals about me The time hath been when if I had been cold and dull the Society expressions and examples of others in daies set apart to thee would have enflamed me Now the company I have is water and snow Woe is me that I am constrained to have mine habitation in the Tents of Kedar and yet Lord thou art never wanting Thou sendest forth thy beams of light and heat if I bring not clouds over mine own head I may have enough light from thee Lord when will these daies of sin be ended and the time of refreshing from the presence of the Lord come I come into thy presence but when I am come I am silent and deaf neither able to speak to thee nor hear the sweet whisperings of thy Spirit O that I had a heart to give my self unto thee or that thou wouldest take these poor longings of my soul for a gift and thereupon take possession of my soul My daies of leaping for joy to think of thee are gone and now my daies of sorrow to see mine own vilenesse are come My tears are now my meat and drink O that I had more of them so they were more spirituall I am a poor creature but thou art the rich God My poor heart why dost thou not speak art thou silent what saist thou Is not God a good God what rellish or sweetnesse is there in these words if thou dost not set to thy seal Lord to thy glory though not to my comfort be it spoken Thou hast been a good God to me but I have no comfort from this truth if I never rellish it yet if mine heart will be so wicked as not to acknowledge it yet my hand shall write that which shall witnesse for my God against my self Thou art good patient and mercifull unto me enough to make earth and heaven to wonder at thy goodnesse and my vilenesse ah my God my God must my words go beyond my thoughts of love to thee Lord thou art enough for heaven enough for thy self and art thou not enough for me Try O my Soul try thou wilt never trust before thou knowest this by experience thou knowest abundantly that the creature hath told thee It is not in me this thou knowest by experience and by faith thou knowest it is in God Well then lay all thy weight and strength upon him and none upon the creature Hold upon him with both hands or else thou wilt attribute the greatest failing unto God For as he that stands upon never so strong a place if he lean against a rotten wall he shall fall and one that is asleep when he fals will not know whether fail'd him and so if we do but leave to our own wisedom we shall haply think that God fails Lord I wait I long for thine appearance Thou art enough Lord I know not what to say I am undone without thee Lord I hear the poor fly oh how it flies up and down Now it is warmed and revived with the warmth of the Sunne yesterday it lay still as dead surely Lord if thou wilt shine upon my soul I should be active and chearfull in thy service No marvell heaven
is so full of thy praises when thou communicatest thy self so fully to them the crumbs that fall from thy Table are too much for me these temporal blessings are more then I can challenge yet Lord I cannot be content with them give me thy self and it sufficeth for all is nothing and snares without thee Meditat. XL. Alas my God pride and despair divide my life when I finde any thing I do in some manner as I should I begin to be puft up and think that I do more then some others of Gods people and when I look upon my failings these thoughts begin to arise It is in vain I shall never overcome such corruptions my sins do me more harm by discouraging me then in the commission Meditat. XLI Lord There is no peace until thou hast all our love while our heart is divided between the world and thee we can have no quiet natural Conscience draws one way and natural corruptions another way It is our ignorance that makes us think that there is not enough in thee to satisfie all our desires and to supply our want which makes us joyn the creature with thee When Lord when shall all my thoughts be of thee I am weary of being thus divided Lord if I can dispose of my self I give my self wholly to thee O refuse not that gift which thou hast so often desired thou hast said give me thy hearr Lord mine heart longs whilest thou hast it If thou saist that I do not give my self freely and wholly enough alas nor never shall until thou take my heart and discoverest the secrets of thy love unto me when thou dost that I shall runne after thee Lord here 's my poor soul it lies at thy seet groveling and gasping for life the creature hath left me and I have left the creature and would not that it should have any more of my love but it still wooes me and follows me for my love unlesse thou overcomest these strong corruptions I shall never be at quiet Meditat. XLII Sometimes my heart begins to be fil'd with joy so that I am ready to cry out Thou art mine exceeding joy and then I consider what I shall do for I am afraid that my joy is false When I consider how I came by it whether my praiers have been more fervent and frequent of late or my repentance more profound in the midst of this consideration I can hardly say but think with my self Why should I delay or refrain my enjoyment of God and am ready to say within my self The false joys in God are better then the true joys of the world these joys are too sweet to let go Lord Jesus when thou kissest me with the kisses of thy mouth I will kisse the Sonne lest he be angry Lord thou art too good for me if I may say so how could I ever expect that thou shouldest come near me more The poor love I have makes me say a thousand worlds and a thousand heavens for my God the small beams of the light of thy countenance are so sweet Lord if thou wouldst but continue the joys thou sometimes affordest I had enough I need not the comforrs of the world to make it up nor fear that the afflictions of the world though one need continuall supplies of comforts to support one yet they could not spend them Meditat. XLIII I will go to God saith David he is mine exceeding joy a sweet saying O that there were such a heart in me yet I have an unenflamed heart a frozen heart if I leave all things and my self I should finde thee but these poor joys of the world quench the joys of the Spirit I shut out the glorious beams of thy heat and light and light up the candles of the creatures which have neither heat nor light in comparison of thine When I go about to rejoyce in thee my sins come and tell me that they must be mourned for first Any thing Lord any thing so I may do what is pleasing in thy sight I am willing to stay for my joys while thou art pleased to give them Only I beseech and desire these three things of thee 1. That I may not want grace though I want joys 2. That I may not go about to make up the want of thy joys with carnall joys let me not kindle a fire and walk and rejoyce in the light and sparks of what I have kindled c. 3. That though thou hast kindled joy yet that I may have sorrows that are spirituall Lord how abundantly good art thou to them that love thee I lie under the weight of thy love and thy joy When I come hungry and thirsty to thee to be satisfied with thy joy to the utmost I ie now as a Ship upon the shoar while the Tide of thy joys come and lift me up and carry me into the Ocean of thy goodnesse When Mary Magdalene stood weeping at the Sepulchre thou didst call her by her name and she forgot all her sorrows she left her tears the Sepulchre and the Angel and cried out Rabboni My heart makes me beleeve that I would give the whole world to see Jesus Christ for I think if I could see him I should lie down at his feet and beg his grace and he would not deny me This is part of my weaknesse and want of faith for he hears my praiers as fully and is as willing to grant them now he is in heaven as if he were on earth Lord Jesus thou that never didst deny any poor soul that came to thee for grace and pardon thou never sendest them empty away but grantest their request Have mercy upon me O Lord my need and wants are as many and as great as any of them all and if my sense of my misery be not so great my misery is so much the greater Meditat. XLIV Lord I perceive that spiritual sorrows and spiritual joys are wholly thy work for my sins are as many as great and of as deep a dye as any in the world that is not the sin against the holy Ghost and I am fully and sensibly convinced of it that they are so and yet I am as sencelesse as if my condition were quite hopelesse for were it not so could I possibly be so seared as I am Thou hast said I will take away the stony heart Lord if thou wilt work who or what can hinder My corruptions and my sins have and do harden my heart by having and committing them Nor will they soften it by considering them What hinders thee from taking away the infidelity and stoninesse of my heart If that hardnesse and infidelity doth why that is the thing to be cured If I were not sick I need not a Physician Lord I say not this to justifie my self for it is thou of thy free grace that must justifie me for I am lost And so for joys and comforts though I reade and hear of the comforts that thou pourest
us yet worthy of thee that delightest to magnifie thy goodnesse that rejoycest over thy people as the Bridegroom rejoyceth over his Bride Despise the World What are the things of this world O my Soul what is there here to be desired but sinne and misery snares and temptations vanity of vanities and vexation of spirit one hours communion with God and the joys of the holy Ghost that he hath given to his people in this world are worth more then the world can know of Why do we spend our strength and money for that which is not bread and our labours for that which doth not satisfie O vain world God hath outbidden thee thou offerst trifles he offers me heaven for my love and service though my love be unworthy too little for him yet it is too much too good for thee 3. Long for and breathe after heaven As the Hart panteth after the water-brooks so panteth my soul after thee O God My soul thirsteth for God for the living God when shall I come and appear before God when shall I be delivered from my absence from thee and from mine ignorance of thee Make haste O my beloved and be thou like a Roe or a young Hart upon the mountains of Spices The Spirit saith Come and the Bride saith Come and the Bridegroom saith Surely I Come quickly even so come Lord Jesus come quickly 4. Encourage and stir up thy self to the love and service of God Come O my Soul Let us be stedfast and unmoveable alwaies abounding in the work of the Lord forasmuch as we know that our labour is not in vain in the Lord Let us not be weary of well doing nor of the labour of love for we shall reap if we faint not We have known and in some measure endeavoured to serve God thus many years were it not a sad thing for the want of continuing one year one moneth it may be but one week or one day more I should lose all my hopes and expectations of glory God forbid O my Soul Let us encourage our selves in the Lord we are not kept by our own but by the mighty power of God through faith to salvation and be thou assured of this that the first minute thou art in heaven thou shalt have such full measure pres't down heapt up and running over that thou shalt break forth in the Songs of joy and praise to all Eternity magnifying admiring and adoring God that ever he gave thee leave and grace to serve him then shalt thou see and so thy experience shall make thee confesse with joy and wonder that the light afflictions and labours of love that thou endurest in this life are not worthy to be compared to the joys that shall be revealed in thee When at any time thou beginnest to be weary look to the price of thine high calling and when thou comest to heaven thou shalt admire when thou seest how abundantly thou art over-recompensed and thou wilt have just cause to say Lord what is this that thou hast done for me alas what were the things that I either did or suffered in thy service what were my filthy rags that thou shouldest give me such a robe and Crown of glory O my Soul what if we do weep now the time is at hand when God will wipe all tears from our eyes O my Soul these things cannot be beleeved and slighted and understood and neglected If thou dost not beleeve them what is the reason Are they too glorious things for God to bestow upon such wretched sinners why dost thou set bounds to the goodness of God and say Hitherto thou shalt go and no further nay doubtlesse since God hath said that he will do that which shall glorifie his goodnesse to his people the incredibility of it makes it more credible but if thou art convinced of the truth why art thou not affected with the excellencies of these joys dost thou not rellish them well For the time to come I will meditate more of these things I will by giving to the poor lay up my treasures in heaven I will part with such and such vain delights for it I will spend more time and communion with God in praising admiring and adoring of him that if it be possible by frequent performing of these duties I may at last taste and rellish the incomprehensible sweetnesse of them that I may be enamoured more of heaven and because all my endeavours are in vain if the Lord reveals not these things unto me therefore I will beg of God that he will discover the riches of his goodnesse to me I have not been carefull enough nor sensible enough of sins of omission when I have had no just thing to take up my thoughts yet I have not thought of thee henceforth when my heart is affected with thy excellencies thy love thy mercies I will praise thee when it is not I will pray to thee that it may and for my Master-sinne mine iniquity I will be most frequent in those duties that are most contrary to it I will especially in my reading of Scripture take notice of and write down those places and those examples that are most proper for the cure I will speak against my iniquity that if it may be I may thereby the more engage my self to leave it MEDITAT VII Of the Excellencies of Christ 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Desire of him who onely can to manifest the Excellency of Christ unto thee Considrations 1. Consider that if the holiest man that ever lived lived near thee what high expectations wouldst thou have of his carriage and conference when thou sawest his zeal and patience c. But no man lived ever without sinne Therefore suppose an Angel should take upon him humane nature and live amongst us with what enflamed expressions and affections would he speak of God of Heaven and every thing that is spiritual But alas his carriage his holinesse his wisedom were as nothing in comparison of Christs For there was not any word or action that ever Christ spoke or did that if all the Angels of Heaven had studied and set down how it ought to have been done or they themselves should have been to have done it they could not have equalled it nay even God the Father had he taken our nature he would not have spoke or done any word or thing which should have had in respect of it self or any circumstance more holinesse or wisedom then Christs words and actions had so that certainly in this respect he that saw Christ saw the Father as he him self saith 2. Consider the wonderful wisedom of Christ Certtainly he was greater then Solomon For though he was the humblest man that ever lived yet he himself said so nor did it any more argue pride in Christ to say that he was wiser then Solomon then it would have argued in Solomon that he knew more then a new-born babe When his most most malicious
and cunning adversaries came to ensnare him in his words so that they thought it were impossible for him to say I or No to their Questions without extraordinary prejudice to himself yet he answered with such admirable wisedom and innocence that they went away ashamed of their folly Nay when Satan himself came and set upon him with his subtlest temptations that he could possibly finde out yet our Saviour without deliberation and study immediatly answered him so fully that he could not so much as reply but was fain to fly to another temptation and no marvell for he was the wisedom of the Father 3. Consider the wonderful and exceeding holiness of Christ when he was in the height of all his Agonies and Sufferings he abated not any thing of his love and confidence in God For his Sufferings did not make him forget or diminish any thing no not in the least circumstance of his graces or of any thing that the Law required at his hands To be so freely willing to have that Agony continue which was unspeakable and as the torments of Hell if his Father pleased was more then if those in Hell should freely submit to endure the torments they suffer The holinesse of those in heaven is not comparably so much greater then the weakest Saint on earth As the Holinesse of Christ was greater whilest he lived on earth then that of those in heaven Nay all the Saints on earth are fil'd from his fulnesse For he is the Fountain that conveys to his Saints as they are able to receive the infinite Ocean of the holinesse of the God-head No marvell that the Angels when they saw his glory cried out Holy Holy Lord God of Sabbaths 4 Consider that notwithstanding all these infinite Excellencies in Christ he thought it no robbery to be equall to the Father yet how exceedingly did he humble himself and how gracious was he The poorest man or woman in the world nay the greatest sinner that truly repented with what love did he receive them He was the Son of Righteousnesse from whom the Angels receive their glory and yet he disdains not to shine upon such dunghils as we are It is strange O my Soul to consider how willing Christ was to please every one only provided it was in things that were not for their hurt that desired them Many times nay most times when others were with him when he in respect of himself only would have done otherwise yet he did as their desires required Rom. 15.3 The Apostle saith even Christ pleased not himself many times when he was hungry If any came to him that needed Instruction or if he were sleepy and any came to him that needed consolation he would abstain from meat and sleep that he might do them good It is not so with great men but it was so with Christ who was the great God Affections and Resolutions 1. Admire the Excellencies of Christ O blessed Saviour thou art the chiefest of ten thousand Thou art altogether lovely Thou hast a Name above all Names that at thy Name every knee should bow Thou Lord art set at the right hand of the Father in the heavenly places Farre above all principality and power and might and dominion and every Name that is named not only in this world but also in that which is to come Thou art the brightness of thy Fathers Glory and the expresse Image of his Person Consider O my Soul what can these words mean Surely if God commanded all the Angels to worship him when he brought him into the world how much more should we for whom he hath done much more admire and adore him in Spirit and in Truth Be confounded and ashamed that thou art not more affected with these things Doubtlesse O my Soul It is not for want of excellency in Christ for he is the Lord of glory but for want of a clearer Faith in thee to behold his excellencies If the Scripture had not spoke the thousandth part of Christ as it doth how could thy thoughts have been lower of him then they are how could thy heart be more sencelesse It is a shame that every vanity should steal away our hearts from Christ much more abominable is it that our very sins that murthered him should ever prevail with us in the least Pray Blessed God 't is not in man by all his wisedom and industry to know or be affected with the Excellencies of Christ if thou dost not reveal them If I had a thousand worlds they were too small a price for so great a mercy O shew me thy self and thy Sonne and it sufficeth And now O my Soul are the Excellencies of Christ nothing unto us Do we indeed admire them Surely all is but meer words and vain thoughts if we do not strive as farre as we may to imitate him in those Excellencies for which we pretend to admire him Are we patient as he was meek humble holy who when he was reviled reviled not again c. We do but deceive our own souls in giving glorious titles and speaking high things of Christ and in the mean while not endeavour to transform into his Image It is impossible we should love him for his patience and holinesse and not love patience and holinesse not yet never care to practise and get them Therefore for the time to come the life of Christ shall be the example whereby I shall endeavour to frame mine And that I may the better do so I will reade over especially the New Testament and observe in every particular what Christ did how he spoke to his Friends to his Enemies how he demeaned himself in every action whether civil or natural or Religious how in all his Relations And when I have written them down I shall often peruse them and shall endeavour in every action that I do and word that I speak to remember if I can whether there be any parallel instance in the life of Christ if there be I shall make that my patern and do likewise but if there be none that I can think of then I would do that which in my conscience I think Christ would have done in like case For the Conclusion I refer you to the Directions and Instances of former Meditations The Conclusion of the whole I Found a great deal of difficulty in writing this small Treatise of Meditation not in the doctrinal or directory part because Christian experience and study are things by which that party is managed but in the setting down of instances and examples therein I found the difficulty to lie For Meditation is an harder work then to give Directions thereunto aand I have generally found it easier to study a day then to meditate an hour but of all the kindes of Meditation whereof Instances are set down in this Book I found the greatest difficulty in those of Solemne Occasionall Meditations they consisting for the most part of praier which the devout soul when it hath ended
methods fright the ignorant 1. This is the very method of those Meditations by which every one that is brought home to God is converted For the first thing in conversion is our being convinced of some Truths which conviction raiseth affections for if the truths of God end in conviction and go no further nay if they end in affections only and never come to resolutions of shunning evil and doing good conversion can never be perfected as for example One is convinced that he is a miserable undone wretch by reason of originall and actuall abomination Upon this conviction fear and sorrow are raised yet if these do not work in us a firm resolution of leaving those sinnes we are yet in our sinnes and unconverted 3. There are severall things for the concluding of Meditation as shall appear CHAP. V. Directions for the working of our hearts to be convinced of and affectedwith the presence of God 1. FOR being convinced of and affected with the presence of God it may thus be wrought 1. We are to consider that God is present every where as truly really and essentially as he is in heaven For God did not create heaven to confine him but to manifest his presence for the Heaven of Heavens are not able to contain him for God is neither included by nor excluded from any place and though Jacob saith Surely the Lord was in this place and I knew it not Gen. 28.16 yet we must not imagine that Jacob was ignorant of that truth but did not actually consider it but David in the 139. Psalm is clear in explaining and clearing up the omnipresence of God 2. We must consider that God doth more peculiarly observe his people while they are performing of heavenly duties whether it be while they are speaking unto him or he speaking unto them he doth then more especially observe the motion and frame of their hearts as when we are in any company we do more especially look upon and observe those to whom we speak or who speak to us yet this is to be understood not as if God did observe us more at one time then another in respect of Gods knowledge it self but thus that God is much more offended with us if our carriage and frame of heart be more irreverent and unholy in the time of prayer and Meditation then at such times as we are in the works of our particular calling 3. We may consider with our selves that Christ doth actually behold us especially in these duties of holinesse for it is not the distance of place that doth hin-Christs knowledge and exact observing of us Little did Nathanael think that Christ saw him under the Fig-tree Nathanael did not see Christ nor was he corporally present then yet Christ behold Nathanael when he praied so Christ beheld Steven before the heavens were opened and the opening of the heavens was not that thereby Christ might be enabled the better to behold Steven but that Steven might thereby be the better enabled to see that Christ looked on him without all controversie God knows and observes with what reverence faith love c. we pray for else our praiers would be in vain and our faith also vain for how could he give us according to our faith if he knew not how much our faith were If the inward frame of our hearts were not observed by him then an hypocrite that hath better expressions should get more by his prayers then a true Nathanael that hath a better heart 4. Suppose that thou hadst lived in Christs time or suppose that Christ were now in England consider with what joy reverence and confidence thou wouldest go to him for the pardon of thy sins or for any other mercy thou stoodst in need of Thou maist go so to him now his distance from thee in respect of corporall presence doth not make him lesse able to know thy wants or hear thy praiers nor his being now glorified makes him lesse willing to grant them then if he were bodily present in the room with thee in the form of a Servant as he was once at Jerusalem the glory of Christ doth not hinder his love and goodnesse for Chtist is the expresse image of his Father and God Attributes do not hinder one another The Majesty of God doth not set bounds unto his goodnesse and make that finite nor doth his goodnesse make his Majesty lesse glorious his goodnesse makes his Majesty more amiable and his Majesty makes his goodnesse more wonderfull So neither doth the exaltation of Christ cause him to abate any thing of his goodnesse unto his people but if any way his love be altered it is by being made more then it was and when Christ was upon earth you must have come to him by faith or you could obtain no mercy from him and by faith though he be in heaven you may obtain any mercy now You may consider any one or two or more of these considerations until your heart be so convinced of and affected with the presence of God that you may thereby be the better fitted for the carrying on the duty of Meditation more effectually CHAP. VI. Concerning the Preparatory Praier that is to be used before Meditation THE next Preparatory consideration is Praier and it is to be performed in these words or to like purpose Lord my designe in this duty of Meditation is not to be an hour sequestred from worldly employments for that were to be idle an hour and to encrease my sinnes not my graces but my businesse at this time is to be so convinced and affected with those spirituall Truths revealed in thy Word that I may fully resolve by thy strength and power to reform my life because I can neither understand the things that belong to my peace nor understanding them be convinced of the certainty and truth of them Nay Lord though my understanding be enlightened yet without thee mine affections cannot be enflamed I can neither know resolve nor perrform what is good without thee for from thee comes both the will and the deed of thy good pleasure I beseech thee Lord that thou wouldest give me thy grace to make conscience of performing this duty with my whole strength and not carelesly and perfunctorily And Lord do thou enlighten me with and convince me of thy Truths and so affect my heart with the love of holinesse and hatred of sinne c. that I may thereby be enabled fully firmly notwithstanding all the opposition that the flesh world or devil can make to run the waies of thy Commandements with joy and with speed and when thou hast wrought in me the will so to do give me also the deed and that I may not trust to the strength of my resolutions but to the continuall gracious assistance of thy Spirit for the performance of those things that through thee I shall resolve to do Holy and blessed God Christ hath sent me wishing me to come to thee in his Name for any mercies
for one that is very poor to give The next Rule is Let this penalty be alwaies of something that is materially good as giving to the poor spending some time in reading of Scripture for as for Popish penances as whipping Pilgrimages and such like they are unprofitable and ridiculous The next Rule is Let this penalty be alwaies some holy duty that is most contrary to thy Master sin as if thy Master sin be Covetousnesse let it be almes if it be voluptuousnesse let it be fasting with praier or abstaining wholly for a time from that wherein thou most delightest c. The next Rule is Let your Vows be rather against the outward then the inward acts of sin rather against speaking angrily then being angry for though inward acts of sinne are worse yet they are not so much in our power The next Rule is If your Vows are concerning doing holy duties it is better to vow to spend so much time in reading holy Scripture or such like then to vow to reade so many Chapters for thou wilt be tempted to reade them over too fast that thou maist have ended whereas if it be so much time that thou hast resolved to spend thou wilt not be so subject to this temptation CHAP. XI Rules for the concluding of Meditation 1. THou art earnestly to beg of God strength to perform whatever thou hast resolved to do in his service This must be done fervently though briefly and humbly proceeding from an earnest desire to do what thou hast promised and resolved and also from an humble sense of thine inability to perform it 2. The second duty is thanksgiving if thou shalt perceive any heavenly warmth of love or spiritual hatred of sin or any other spiritual effect wrought in thy heart thou art to give God the glory and not to rejoyce in thy self but in the Lord but thou art to rejoyce with trembling knowing that if thou art puft up though thou hast the will to do good wrought in thee yet if thou provokest him he can stop it that thou shalt never be able to do what thou resolvest to do The first is an humble acknowledgement of our failings in the performing of this duty For if we were not geeen wood that love which is now but a spark would have been a flame God is not wanting unto us but we are wanting to our selves and him After these are performed there remaineth three duties more 1. We are to remember what Vows and promises we have made and it is very useful to write down all thy Vows as thou makest them in a Book because that we shall else be subject to forget the Vow or the time or conditions upon which we made it And it is good to have a Book to keep a Register of things in it besides a Diary which I have spoken of and given Rules for in a Manuall entituled A Directory to Christian Perfection 1. Let one head be for which you are to leave some leaves for Vows under which you must write all your Vows or Resolutions as you make them or spiritual promises for Christians and such like The second must be for the mercies of God eminent deliverances and also answers of Praiers These are to be set down with all pertinent circumstances that may any way encrease the mercy The third head should be for grosser failings which were good to be writ down not in letters at length that every one may reade them but in characters known only to our selves There are other things which because I do not now speak purposely of that businesse I omit The second thing after Meditation is ended is to remember what passages in our Meditation did most affect us and as it were to lay them up in our thoughts that frequently we may in the rest of the day think of them As when we walk in a garden we content not our selves with enjoying the fragrancy of the flowers while we are there but if we may have leave we often gather a Nosegay to smell of the rest of the day In this businesse of Meditation do thou likewise The third duty after Meditation is by degrees warily and unwillingly to go out of the presence of God to worldly emploiments Do not go from the presence of God as a bird out of the snare with joy and with speed And thou must go also watchfully and warily from such emploiments as one that carries some precious liquor in a shallow broad brittle dish he looks to his way to the dish and liquor that is in it lest by holding of it awry by fals or stumblings he should spill the one or break the other So must thou be watchfull over thy waies else the grace that God hath powred into thy heart in this duty will be spilt To rush into holy duties or out of them argues too great undervaluing of the things of God Instances OF Solemn Occasionall MEDITATION Meditation 1 ALas my God I am in a sad condition mine afflictions grow daily upon me and that which is mine unsupportable misery my corruptions grow faster upon me then my affliction What before made me weep will not now make me sigh The heavy burthen of a great abomination doth not lie upon me so much as before I was oppressed with a vain thought in my praiers Alas Lord alas I am undone alas my corruptions have almost made me love them and make me weary of duties and carelesse of graces My joys are gone and my sorrows are gone that were sutable to thy Word and now my joys are but the laughter of fools and my sorrows are carnall sensuall and more of hell in them then of heaven and as now I can scarce tell my sorrows so have I scarce any sorrow to tell I have sate down and wept to consider the great decays of holinesse in me but now I can see my God going from me and whenas now he is even out of sight mine eyes are as dry as my heart is hard Alas Lord if thou wilt not return thou wilt lose a poor soul that hath loved thee and is somewhat troubled Now poor sad soul that it is so wicked as it is Meditat. II. Lord thou seest the strange distempered temper of mine heart and spirit ah blessed God I should take more comfort if I should see my heart-bloud running forth before mine eye then to see mine eyes so dry and my heart so hard I have worn out almost all motives to holinesse they now take no impression in me which before were too strong for me to bear they ravisht me which now do not move me I scarce ever go to prayer but I have enough and too many spirituall complaints to employ it to express If every day I had not just cause to bewail a continued decay of grace I might have some respit of my griefs But what shall I now do When every day shall bear witnesse against me and every night my sin shall go to bed with
then I have recourse to the Word of God and by that I am assured that all the treasures of wisedom and knowledge are hid in Christ and in his Gospel then further I have recourse to the experience of the people of God in the Word of God and in particular to Paul who being a learned man yet accounted all things as drosse and dung in comparison of Christ I have also recourse to the experience of severall godly Persons I know of the abundant sweetnesse in Christ I have recourse to that small experience I have had of the sweetnesse and excellency of the knowledge of Christ therefore Lord though I have nott at this present the powerful and ravishing feelings of Christs excellency yet assuring my self all these waies whereby I fully do assent to that truth that It is life eternal to know thee and Jesus Christ I do beseech thee O Lord to give me a fuller knowledge of thee in Christ I beseech thee I beseech thee Let not mine undervaluing of this knowledge cause thee to deny it I shall more value it if I had more of it Lord I know if thou shouldest look in me and my life to see what thou canst finde to hinder the granting of this Request thou maist finde enough nay I that know my self not so well as thou dost know enough and enough nay I know nothing to move thee in my self except something I have had from thee those things I have so abused that I know they may be swift witnesses against me bâ—t Lord if thou shouldst give me this knowledge of them I might doe great things for thee Lord hear me Alas Lord my desires to know Christ do even die while I am praying to know him Alas Lord such an heart as I have is fit for none but thee for none in the world can tell what to do with it but thou only It is past the skill of all in heaven and earth but thee it is not in the power of Ordinances and duties if thou should not set in I would pity the soul of my greatest Enemy if I should see it in such continual storms and troubles as are in mine there are new corruptions appear such as I may term them nothing so fitly as sparks of the fire of hell to have ones heart rise against God when the continual desire of ones soul and prayer is that one might be inflamed with the love of God Lord while I am working my heart to a serious thought of thee endeavouring to have mine heart full of admiration of thee and affiance in thee before I pray unto thee that if it may be my praiers may be as an arrow-drawn up to the head but when I go about to pray and send up my Petitions my thoughts of thy glory and goodnesse slack and it fares with me oh my Soul as sometimes it doth with one that is tying knots when one hath pulled the first very hard yet it slacks before one can tye the second If I kept but a strict communion with thee and did as thou desirest Lord why shouldest thou desire us alwaies to be with thee how should we be acquainted with thee farre more then we are and if we knew thee more how should we love thee more and if we loved thee more how should we know thee more for thou revealest thy self to them that love thee Alas O my Soul why should not we alwaies be with God since he gives us leave how gracious art thou to invite such sinners as we are to come to thee For thee to wash our souls clean with the immaculate bloud of the Lord Jesus Christ Alas Lord I am mine own enemy nay I see it and know it and it cannot be otherwise Lord I am so tired out with my corruptions that I am even weary of my life and almost weary of my duties Lord even at this present how when my soul was so troubled that mine eyes were ready to weep there comes a thought of a poor worldly businesse into my soul and my thoughts and sorrows for heavenly matters are gone Meditat. XXIII O my God how coldly without love how doubtingly without faith do I call thee my God! Lord how carelesse am I in thy service how very carelesse how long Lord holy and true shall I be thus laden with corruptions Nay which is my greatest misery I am not but very little sensible of my own vilenesse that makes me that I do not hunger after righteousnesse Blessed Lord I do humbly prostrate my soul before thee and do with all the weak power of my soul importune thee by all the merits of my dear Saviour pray thee to look upon me in mercy When the poor wounded man that went from Jerusalem to Jeriche lay half dead and speechlesse in the way though he was not sensible of his own misery yet the good Samaritan was though his tongue did not could not call for pity yet his wounds opened their mouths wide and spake aloud to the Samaritan Though his eyes shed no tears yet his very heart wept bloud at his wounds and mov'd compassion Like to that poor wounded man am I so weak so sick that I am scarce sensible of mine own desperate condition Lord though my heart be not full of love it is full of wounds Lord thou knowest my miseries I humbly beseech thee to pity me not according to my praiers but according to my wants Lord that I do not desire to serve thee that I do not hunger nor thirst after righteousnesse it is the greatest misery that I have Meditat. XXIV Oh how terrible is the thought of death to me it is not so much for want of faith as holinesse and indeed I finde that I can never with comfort think on death but when I have liv'd very holily before for what will faith in that case help me without holinesse for faith without holiness is not faith but presumption Oh how sweet how dear how excellent a thing is holinesse Oh how full of peace and joy is my soul when I am full of that and yet Lord how carelesse am I of thy service how many times in the day when I might think of thee without any hindrance of my studies do I choose rather to think of vanity O wean my soul O God from every thing that is not thee Fill my heart with thy self dwell in me my dear God Why do I call thee dear When I prefer every trifle before thee O most glorious Lord God whom ten thousand worlds cannot sufficiently praise nor love which art thy self and canst not be more nor canst be lesse how easie Lord is it for thee to change my heart mine heart of stone for an heart of flesh Lord as long as I have this heart of stone there is no hope that I should serve thee with any cheerfulnesse or any constancy Lord hear my praier Meditat. XXV O blessed God If the way of thy providence be such that thou wilt