will I do not find that either Heaven or Hell takes any care of us and for my part of all Repentances I don 't like this Cat a Nine Tail Repentance This nointing a Mans Back with Sacred Oyl of Whipcord 2. Priest 'T is no more than what the Proverb says Sweet Meat must have Sowre Sauce 1. Priest Then give me leave to wish in my turn that our Sowre Sauce may bring us Sweet Meat at length When I Whip my self upon my own Accompt I lay it on so gently that if I should hit a Louse I should do it no hurt but this Whipping upon a National Accompt I d ead the thoughts of it It makes my Back sore before I touch it Hall 'T is a National Accompt indeed Fathers for if we loose this place we loose all our Hopes in this World and for the other I am sure neither you nor I think of it You loose the Fruits of all your Massacres and Rebellions We loose the Fruits of all our Plots and Conspiracies A Jesuit hitherto so Famous for his Politicks will be lookt upon no better than a Jakes Farmer His Holiness minds nothing but to keep the Most Christian King out of Italy and the Most Christian King himself will have both his Hands too full to do us any good Who would not Whip himself as you may suppose Jehu Whipt his Horses rather than this shall come to pass The way to Lash our Enemies is to Whip our selves Lustily Floggingly Stoutly Robustiously Vigorously 1. Priest Truly Father I fear the Mercy of my Hand I should hardly torment my self at such a Rate to save Rome from being sackt again by the Goths and Vandals Can you think of no other but this Drive on Carman way to save this poor Island Well I have it now and I hope my Ingenuity will secure my Shoulders Come Fathers come along with me ACT. II. Scene 8. Tyrconnel Primate Nugent Hall and Priests Tyr. GOod morrow Fathers what News brings you here so early 1. Priest We have been up my Lord all Night at our Devotions and something Heaven has inform'd us of for publick good 1. Priest My Lord we humbly conceive here has been a very great neglect for numbers of Men signifie little without a Blessing from above Prim. Have you brought those Blessings along with you Fathers 1. Priest No my Lord but we wonder they have not bin sent for all this while from the Fountain where they are to be had upon Earth We have heard of several Princes that have been presented with Consecrated Swords and Belts and Hats of great value by St. Peter's Successor by virtue of which they have wrought Miracles and won mighty Victories to the unspeakable Propagation of the Holy-Church but we hear of none of these Consecrated Swords that have been sent to our Soveraign or so much as desired in his behalf 2. Priest I should rather advise that his Holiness might be sent to for a hundred thousand Consecrated Asses Jaw-Bones for by that means might every one of our Souldiers prove a Sampson Or else I would have his Holiness to send us St. Peter's Sword for if he has his Keys there is no doubt but he has his Sword too for then would I undertake that if our Souldiers should but touch their Weapons with that Sword they would receive a particular Virtue from it as a Million of Needles from the touch of one Load-stone and then would every single Souldier kill a thousand Hereticks Tyr. I do not understand Fathers any need we have of recurring to such extraordinary Miracles 2. Priest No my Lord if all Men had your Lordships Resolution but the fears of Men and causes of their Fears are as various as their Faces They are all Godfrey of Bullens till they see their Enemies but then this thing frights 'em and t'other thing scares 'em and then run he that can run fastest Tyr. Why therefore 't is Fathers that while we are a going to fight you must pray for the Success Priest Alas my Lord we are Men of Frailty as well as others and therefore I have always observed that one Pious Fraud is worth a hundred Pious Ave-Maries Of those your Lordship knows that we have many and never did the Difficulties of our Holy Mother the Church more than now require the practice of them Primate For those things take your own Courses Fathers you know the Duties of your Functions and have my Power for your assistance 4. Priest My Lord pray send for half a score Officers and Souldiers you shall then see what Course we intend to take Enter Officers and Souldiers to them 4. Priest Gentlemen you are sent for hither to let you understand that you are now to fight for your Holy Mother the Church your King and your Country 1. Officer By my shoul Fathers we know all this but Fathers however Lifes shweet 2. Officer And then again Fathers 't is well known that we Native Irish have a strange Antipathy against Farting but the English great Guns keep such a Bouncing and Roaring as if all the Winds in the Compash were in their Breeshes and they spit Fire and shit Lead and Iron at such a rate that we must confesh they make a great fear upon us shometimes 4. Priest But you are Souldiers and Men of Honour and such have always held it better to dye bravely in the Field than to live in Slavery without your Laws your Estates and Religion And who would not rather choose to dye a Martyr and go immediately to Heaven than live Bog-trotting and stealing of Cows upon this miserable Earth 3. Officer But I have been a leud Liver all my Life I must confesh and you tell us so often of a Damnashion to come that many times it makes me rather shoose to live a little longer than to be poshted out of this World I know not whither 4. Priest As for that Gentlemen you shall have Pardons in your Pockets under the Hands and Seals of his Holiness for all the sins that ever you Committed of what nature soever so that all who are slain shall go to Heaven forthwith before a Cat can lick her Ear Nay there shall be a Note taken of their Names and they shall all be Canoniz'd too There they shall fit all the day long and eat Ambrosia and drink Nectar which are as far beyond Bonny Clapper and Vsquebagh as Vsquebagh and Bonni Clapper are beyond dead small Beer and Poor John There they shall be attended with lovely young Girls with golden Wastcoats and azure Petticoats to play with and sing 'em asteep There they shall sit with Crowns upon their Heads commanding every one a Province as big as all Ireland These are the Rewards of those that are slain in the defence of the Holy Shorches Cause 4. Officer But suppose our Breeshes are rifl'd and our Pardon 's taken out of our Pockets 4. Priest That will signifie nothing St. Peter shall let you in for all
THE Royal Flight OR THE CONQUEST OF IRELAND A NEW FARCE LONDON Printed for Richard Baldwin near Oxford-Arms in Warwick-Lane 1690. The Persons K. J. D. of Berwick Tyrconnel Powis Herbert Nugent Lutterel Talbot Pretended Primate Arch Bishop of Cassels Sarsfield Hamilton Mac-Guillicuddy D'Avaux Lauzune La Hoquette Leri Ld. Mayor of Dublin Hall the Priest Priests and Jesuits Protestants and Papists Officers and Souldiers Messenger Lady Lancarty PROLOGUE AFter one Summers being in Arms in vain And Ireland look't like Hounslow-Heath Campaign When to drink Usquebagh and pick his Toes Mend his pacht Brogues and Mundifie his Cloaths Was all Teague had to do one would have thought The Irish might to Discipline been brought For tho' their Wit and Sense can never Charm ye They might have learnt the Language of an Army When their great Generals fam'd beyond the Moon Were Deputy King James and Count Lazune The first for why should we great Actions bury So famous for his Flight from Salisbury The other who from 's Master learnt the Trick Of Burning Towns because they 're Heretick But they learnt only how to fight in jest Nay when they were by greatest dangers prest And minding nothing that their Generals say But how to face about and run away Not Bullies Scouring from the Mid-Night Watch Nor needy Debtor from a Serjeants Catch Could Faster run than did the Irish Hoast When Great King William o're the Boyn was crost Their Abdicated Prince first show'd the way And why should they behind their Leader stay For he 't is said from Hubbaboos and Hoots Rode sixty Mile that day and spoil'd his Boots 'T would be a Jubile at Rome that Day If James could learn to fight as well as Pray And I 'le affirm't without his Royal Word 'T is a good Cause sets th' edge upon a Sword But his is such a sneaking little Cause And much more Vgly then he made our Laws A Cause of such a Tottering sinking Fame No Prince e're thriv'd that undertook the same And were there but a worser Place than Hell May they be all sent there that wish it Well THE ROYAL FLIGHT OR THE Conquest of Ireland ACT I. SCENE I. James Tyrconnel Herbert Hall the Priest K. James leaning his Arm upon a Table and resting his Head upon his Knuckles IT was observ'd that when I was first crown'd in this Kingdom of Ireland my Crown stood like the Steeple of the Duomo at Pisa awry upon my Head which way soever Men lookt upon me Was that a good Sign Hall or No Hall I suppose it lean'd toward England Sir and then 't was a good sign I long to be preaching again in your Chappel at White hall James By the Mass and so do I too to hear thee there But when I first turn'd Roman-Catholick I was promis'd Mountains of Gold Where are those Mountains Hall Despair not Sir I make no Question but rather than you shall want that Heaven will rain Gold for as many days together as it rain'd in the Time of the Flood James I good Sooth Father Hall I should be glad to see that day come I have no Faith in Miracles Hall I am sorry to hear you say so Sir K. James Why so Hall Oh Sir If you would but trust in the Queen of Heaven I dare be bold to say she would send you her own Life-Guard to fight without Pay which would be the same thing as if she should Coin half the Stars in the Firmament to make Money for you James In the mean time what good News my Lords How go Affairs in England Herbert To your wish Sir The clos'd Parties are all to pieces again Whigs and Tories once more at Daggers drawing and contending for Mayors and Sheriffs and Common Council-Men as much as ever SCENE II. Herbert Tyrconnel D'Avaux Berwick James James I know I have a good Party there but still my Brother of France D'Avaux Hold Sir I am my Master's Representative in this place and must not brook this Language My Brother of France James Why Sir I am a Crown'd Head D'Avaux That 's nothing Sir you are but his Viceroy in this Kingdom consequently none of his Brother My Master 's too Jealous of his Honour to call his Inferiour Brother Tyrconnel By St. Patrick y' are a Proud French-man D'Avaux By St. Denis y' are a Beggarly Teague Barwick Sir the King is my Father and my Father is the King of Frances Brother D'Avaux Princock you are too Sawcy Then turning to K. James Sir I demand Reparation for these Affronts James My Lord I 'm sorry for th' occasion I know indeed the Barons of my Exchequer at London may call Baron Tell-clock Brother but Baron Tell-clock must not call any of them Brothers Y' are in the Right my Lord D'Avaux I am but a King-Tell-clock in the World at present But pass it over I 'll undertake my Wife shall make all well again SCENE III. D'Avaux Lausun D'Avaux Morthleu A Prince of No-land call my Master Brother Lausun Truly my Lord I think 't was by you ill tim'd for you know our Master pretends to assist him as still King of Great Brittain and therefore I don't believe he would have disown'd the Expression as yet had it been spoken to his Face D'Avaux But I know as well how our Master intends to Fool him how he only makes a Tool of him but despises him in his Heart Lausun That 's nothing what a Party would our Master loose both in England and Scotland and perhaps in this Kingdom too should he pretend to set up for himself D'Avaux To tell you truth I think our Master does ill to spend so much Money Time and so many Men upon him For i' my Conscience 't will all come to nothing Lausun I am in a fine case then to sell so fair an Estate as I have done to follow his Fortune D'Avaux Why look ye Sir Where Prudence and Courage are wanting there can never be a Prospect of Success Lausun What must we do then D'Avaux Make haste while the Sun shines Plunder and repay your self there be good Gleanings still left Never pity the People they 're a sort of Miscreants not worth hanging I have taken that course with the King as to make him seize all his Protestant Subjects Goods by Armed Force and then having set a Price upon them at his own Pleasure which he only pays in his own Copper Money to export them to our Master his Dear Correspondent in France Lausun You are a Faithful and Politick Minister I must confess D'Avaux Tann'd Hides Raw Hides Wooll Tallow and Butter are all Commodities which my Master wants and how much of this sort of Merchandize I have got the King to Ship off into France this year 1689 d'ye think Lausun I cannot tell my Lord. D'Avaux Begar my Lord no less than Thirty three thousand four hundred fifty eight Hides Tann'd and Raw Sixty one thousand four hundred and five Stone of Wooll three hundred
eighty nine Tun of Tallow and Forty Stone of Butter Good Chaffer my Lord in France as being all Staple Commodities the Exportation of which Beggers the Protestants the only Industrious People of the Island and Impoverishes the Kingdom for which our Master makes no other Returns but only Materials to Murder the Hereticks and conquer the Nation for himself Lausun Our Master my Lord I know is a Prudent Prince and I make no question but your Lordship has been able to carve sufficiently for your self out of such Lumps as these But when all 's gone what shall we have for our pains D'Avaux Why my Lord our Master does not intend to remove the Land there will be Arable and Pasture still left and you will have your Proportion you may be sure Lausun Faith my Lord I would fain know which County will fall to my share because I would be a little kind to my own Tenants But letting this go Did you ever see my Lord such a Court as this Not a Lady worth the Salute of Serviteur Madame Their yellow Hair and Freckles would turn the Stomack of the most pumple-fac'd Whore-master in the World A Man would rather let his Name perish then lye with 'em to support his Family D'Avaux Y' are a little too severe my Lord 't is true the Dublin Ladies want the Wit and Air the Garb and Demeanour of our Parisian Belles Filles but there are some that will serve for all that to keep a Man warm in a Frosty Night as well as the best Then again my Lord there 's a pleasure in Variety and many Men as well as my self love to see what Forraigners have got as well as their own Native Country-women Lausun 'T is very true my Lord and I would not willingly be beaten out of the Country before I had try'd one of these Female Teagues D'Avaux You have leisure my Lord when you lye idle in your own Quarters you have nothing to do but to be beating up the Womens Quarters Look out sharp there 's Game enough I have so much business in my Head I am so taken up with the Spirit of Politicks that I have no time for Carnal Recreation Lausun I wish your Politicks Success my Lord D'Avaux Ay Ay my Lord if they succeed we 'll have French Ladies and Frenchified Ladies Hold Belly Hold In the mean time I must go look after my Royal Charge SCENE IV. Hall the Jesuit and a Rabble of Priests one carrying the Host and another Tinkling a Little Bell before ' em 1 Priest Mater Apostolorum ora pro nobis Singing 2 Priest Whispering to his Companion S'life Joy make a great haste for by my Shoule Joy I have promis'd a Dear Joy to meet her by Twelve of the Clock 1 Priest By my Shoule I 'm in thy Condition Audi preces Nostros pro Domino Nostro Jacobo bo bo Singing Omnes Regina Caeli audi preces nostros Singing Hall Sing Holy Men pray Heartily Sons of Heav'n and you shall see happy days Omnes again Tearing their Throats Regina Caeli audi preces nostros pro Domino Jacobo bo bo Hall And your Abbies and your Nunneries shall be restored to ye again Omnes again Yo He Ba bo be bo bo yo He bo bo bo Au men Singing Hall And ye shall tread upon the Necks of the Hereticks Omnes again Yoh heh Ba be bo ba bo Yoh heh ba bo bo bo Au men Singing 3. Priest What did he say We should have our Nunneries again Whispering together 4. Priest Ay marry did he 3. Priest Pray God he be John For by my Shoule now I am old Dog at a Forcible Entry Heaven rest my Father who was a Bum-bayly for teaching me Omnes again Yoh Heh ba bo be be ba bo Yoh Heh bo ba be bo Au men Hall Av Holy Fathers this Devotion will do the Hereticks Business We have a Great Work upon our Hands Therefore do you labour with the Queen of Heaven and I 'll labour with our King upon Earth Omnes Yoh heh ba bo be be ba bo Yoh Heb bo ba bo bo bo Au men Hall Well done Fathers go on and prosper Pray like Horses The Queen of Heaven knows all Languages from the Holy Hebrew to the Prophane Pedlers French Farewel I am sent for by the Defender of our Faith SCENE V. K. James Hall Tyrconnel Nogent James Where have you been Hall I have wanted thee this three hours Hall 'T is a strange thing Sir you can do nothing without me I that was but a Cooks Son but t'other day am now become your chief Achitophel Where 's your Great Father Peters James Hang him Fool and Knave He has brought me to all this Thou art all Inspired and talk'st like an Angel Speak Blessed Oracle I know thou hast seen the Queen of Heaven in a Vision last night Hall I did so Great Sir and she shew'd me your Majesty just come into the World wrapt up in her own Smicket Tyrcon Father Father did she tell you that she would hide him in a Cloud in the day of Battel as Venus did Eneas Hall She did not say the same words but her shewing him to me in that Posture imply'd she would always protect him Tyr. The Heathen Oracles Father many times speak Truth but 't was wrapt up in such Ambiguous Lyes that Men could never find it out Nogent I wonder that such a Bon-Catholick as you should question the Truth of what Father Hall says You may as well call in doubt the Infallibility of our Holy Father the Pope James Let every one believe as he pleases You know 't is my declar'd Opinion But how shall a Man do to get so much into Venus's Favour as to be wrapt in a Cloud in the time of Battel I would fight then like a Dragon tho if the Cloud be not Cannon-proof I would not care a Fig for the Cloud neither Hall Sir 't is the same thing to be under the Protection of the Queen of Heaven as to be wrapt in Venus's Cloud For you shall be then encircled with Angels in such a manner that from whatever Point of the Compass the Bullets come they shall stand and catch them in their Hands as the Maids do Stool-balls in the Holy-days James Were I assur'd of this I would Fight as I said before like a Dragon Hall Nothing so sure Sir if your Majesty would but once be pleas'd to Fight James I 'll consider of it Hall In the mean time a word with your Majesty in private SCENE VI. K. James Hall the Priest Hall Sir we have been praying for your Majesties Success like so many Cats upon the Tiles We have and will make such a hideous Noise that certainly Heaven will answer our Requests rather then be troubled with us To tell you Truth Sir they wholly depend upon your Royal Word and Promises So that were it not for hopes their very Heart-strings would crack with the pains which they take Day and
dare not trust to the Devils Curtesie Tyrcon Sir you may think what you pleafe you may do what you please you may go to Avernus if you please when all 's done 'tis the sword must deside the Quarrel You have a brave and a numerous Army here you have Friends in England and if the Cock-match do but hit we are made Powis Ay if the Cock-match hit 't will spoil His Highness's Journey for Ireland I 'm sure and I can't well devise how it should miss if his Majesty of France be not too penurious of his Leuidore's D'Avaux My Lord my Master 's no Snale He knows his own business Herbert And then again the Distinction of a King de Jure and de Facto works like Butter in a Sows Tail One rub 't is true will turn a Bowl from the Jack but here are many rubs in his Highness's way if he gets over 'em all I must contradict your Majesty and say Miracles are not ceast James The Prince is a good Gamester my Lord and knows how to mend his next Cast tho his first Bowl miscarry Herbert Well but suppose the Prince should come among us won't he be treated with James No no my Lord I know him too well He 'll ne're come to Compositions He 'll have all or none He 's too well acquainted with my Brother of France and I to trust the strongest Engagements we can make him unless we so secure him that it would be the same thing as if we should surrender up all into his hands Tyrcon Why then we must trust to the Sword They say Fortune assists the Daring I am sure she never helps those that lye i' the Ditch and cry God Help 'em Men that resolve to dye are easily Masters of other Mens Lives Besides there is one thing more your Majesty does not think of I have heard of Jacob Clements and Ravilliac 'T is true 't is below Persons of Honour to make use of such means but Necessity oft times constrains us to base Actions James I understand ye my Lord and have been often thinking of what you say but I have been censur'd too severely already for my Brother's Death and the business of the E. of Essex and I am loath to expose my Memory to farther Ignominy Besides 't is a work of Darkness not fit for present Consultation Powis Time Sir prays upon your Life as well as upon Ours Something therefore must be done with Expedition James You rather Teeze than Advise me my Lord what is that you would have me to do with so much Expedition Have you got your Tools ready if you have set 'em to work Your Clements's and Ravilliac's are not so soon tutor'd as you think for Had I come sooner to the Throne D'Avaux What said my Master Then you had been sooner turn'd out James Consequently the sooner turn'd in again if your Master 's good Luck han't quite left him i' the Lurch I fear I am come to the Ebb of his Fortune Powis They say indeed there is a Fate in all things A Man that is born to be Hang'd shall never be Drown'd and he does but row against the Stream that contends with Fortune Herbert Fortune is many times like a Dover Post-horse she 'll go so far and no farther I wish she be not now in her Sullens Tyrcon I care not a Fig for Fortune she 's a Jade of all Religions she 's a Heathen a Turk a Jew a Catholick a Heretick she waited upon Octavius Cesar a Pagan to his dying Minute but Deserts the Most Christian King when he has most need of her Assistance and will not let him have a bit of good Luck but what he pays through the Nose for But let her be as Waspish as she will I am perswaded she might be manacl'd with Prudence Courage and Diligence Sir speaking to the King you must make the Stress of your Opposition at the Boyne If the Prince get that Pass we are all ruin'd Had our Priests Faith enough to remove Mountains half a Score of the biggest i'th is Kingdom would be few enow to add to the Natural Fortifications of that place But if the Prince had a hundred Mountains to clamber He 'll get over 'em all unless you oppose him with Courage Prudence and Diligence equal to his Sir you must oppose the Prince and his Fortune with those three Barricado's or else a Rush for your Opposition D'Avaux Jernegoy my Lord you have put your Dread Sovereign upon the hardest Task he ever had in his Life Herbert My Lord you talk of Prudence Courage and Diligence Why those my Lord are Virtues that never grew i'th is Country The Air of this Climate has a natural Antipathy against 'em and will no more endure 'em than it will Spiders or Nightingales Nugent What need Forreign Manufacture when we have Treachery Bogs and Newries of our own Growth Poyson all the Fresh Water i' the Country and hang up the Protestants upon all the Trees i' the Road and infect the Air with the Stench of their Carcasses Strew the Grass with Rats-bane to kill up their Cattel My Lords we have Zeal without knowledge A good Rat-catcher would Kill a thousand of these Heretick Vermin in a day James My Lords here 's one talks of Courage and Valour another of Poysoning and Plaguing and I know not what my self but no body talks of Praying to Heaven for Success Tyrcon Let the Church-men do that they have nothing else to do James Why then my Lord D'Avaux do you send into France tell your Master how the case stands advise him not to loose a Hog for a Hapoth of Tar I 'll send into England and do something or nothing And for you my Lords do you bustle about ride about run about fly about and about and about take the Rope as well as the Butter if one slips t'other will hold I know not what more can be said or what more can be done SCENE VII Hall the Jesuit and Priests Hall 'T is true 't is a black Cloud and gathers thicker and thicker but I spake with the Queen of Heaven last night and she assur'd me she would take care to disperse it 1. Priest I am afraid we are all out of the way for the Queen of Heaven is but a Woman and I fear me does not understand our Business We should pray to St. Martin and the Seven Champions they understand M litary Affairs and Fighting 2. Priest In truth Father Hall we have been long enough Praying to Heaven without any considerable Success I am afraid the Saints there are all turn'd Protestants And therefore I would that we should now turn our Devotions downward and send to Gog and Magog there are they two and General Belzebub would bring along an Host of Infernal Hussars able to conquer all the Cantons of Switzerland Hall How wickedly you talk Father 't is the Interst of the Saints to favour our Cause I 'm sure there 's no Religion i' the
World that pays them that Respect which we do All the Hereticks slight 'em unless the School-boys for the Holy days sake Nay some are such Clowns as not to admit 'em the Title of Saint but call 'em plain Thomas and Matthew 2. Priest And is there any Religion in the World that pays more respect to Gog and Magog and Belzebub as we do The Turk does not pay so much Come Father I am for driving that Nail that is most probable to go Hall I tell ye Father you talk wickedly and I am afraid our wicked Lives fight against us more than any thing else Come Fathers let us come to Confession a little among our selves I must confess my Father was a Cook and dealt in Raw Flesh but he told me 't was never so good as when it was warm if it were not over much Roasted and I must confess I have lov'd and do love and so did my Mother before me a piece of warm Flesh And I confess I have been conniving at and assisting to help others to warm Flesh And half a Score Drams of your Absolutions Fathers will expiate for what I have done 1. Priest I must confess I had once a very great Passion for a young Gentlewoman that was Marry'd and she had as great an Affection for me but not finding an Opportunity to couzen her Jealous Husband I ordered her to counterfeit her self Sick and to send for me to cure her with a Relick of a Saint that I had Accordingly she did so and fending for me accordingly I went and took one of my Brethren of the same Covent along with me and while he was busie with the Maid I employ'd my time with the Sick Mistress But the Mischief was that being like to have been surpriz'd by the Husband for hast I left my Breeches behind and had it not been for a Fetch that the Devil put into her Head I shall love him the better for 't as long as I live we had both been discover'd But she told her Husband my Breeches were the Relick of the Saint that had cur'd her and that I had left 'em behind at her Request in case her Fits should return again and so all was well Was that any Sin Father to cure a Sick Lady If it be I must confess I have committed many a one of the same Nature Hall Look ye Father here we must consider the Intention of the Thing for if the Intention were to cure the Lady 't was a good Intention 1. Priest But she was not Sick but only feign'd her self Sick Hall That was nothing to you you had nothing to do to examine whether she counterfeited or no you found her Sick and you cur'd her and so you fulfill'd a good Intention And therefore Father they must be louder Sins than these that cry to Heaven and do us Mischief 1. Priest I must confess I made Love to another marry'd Woman and she put the Dice upon for she appointed the Night at her own House and when the time came most wickedly put an Old Woman of Threescore and Ten to bed to me I must confess the Old Grandame lost nothing by it for Jone was as good as my Lady i' the Dark But that was not all the next Morning she sent for all she knew of her own and my Acquaintance and exposed me and my Female piece of wrinkled Antiquity like Vulcan and Venus to publick View so that I was forc'd to forsake my Quarters for fear of the rude Castigations of the Boys Hall This was a Sin Father for you suffer'd your self to be gull'd by a Woman and such Sins as these that is the Discovery of such Sins as These undoes us For it exposes the Warts and Wenns in our Sanctity as C ham uncover'd his Father's Nakedness 2. Priest Therefore Father to avoid the Treacheries of Women I learnt at Rome a notable Wary Trick they have there to make use of the Male Sex And I must confess I have had a great Passion for several pretty Youths And I must farther confess that I have at this time a very pretty Urchin that lyes with me every night He has such a Winning Way with him such a Charming Behaviour and Twattles so like a Nightingale that I cannot but I must chuck him under the Chin now and then Hall Take heed Father I fear me this is that Sin which in the Hebrew they call Sodomy 2. Priest I question that Father Hall I am apt to believe the Ancients were mistaken in the Signification of that word I rather think the Inhabitants of Gomorrah made use of their Beasts and that was their Crime and therefore it was that in Old times they ador'd their Deities in the shape of Beasts I cannot believe so many of our great Cardinals and Bishops Fathers of our Church would set us such bad Examples if Sodomy were a Crime Hall I know indeed there was one of our Cardinals that wrote in defence of it but I never heard of any that ever wrote in behalf of Adultery 2. Priest 'T is certain Father that He who commits one Sin sins less than he that commits two at a time Now he that commits Adultery runs himself into Prodigality and Expence upon his Beloved and at the same time invades his Neighbours Property but a smooth Chinn'd Youth preserves a Man from the Guilt of both those Crimes and who would go to a Crown Ordinary when he may please his Appetite better for Six pence Hall 'T is true indeed we are born Flesh and Blood and tho our Church forbids us to Marry Nature will have its Course 2. Priest If Men did not sometimes commit Errors there would be no need of Repentance That 's the Remedy which we are order'd to make use of for the attoning of Heaven in cases of Necessity and Distress Hall Therefore Fathers as we have been all great Sinners I would have ye apply your selves to this Remedy and make fair Weather with Heaven till the Storm be over Our Affairs are now in a ticklish Condition Then it will be time enough to break your Vows and Contracts with Heaven when y' are at ease and in Prosperity He that vow'd a Wax Candle to the Holy Virgin as big as the Main Mast when he was in danger to be cast away thought her not worth one of Twelve to the Pound when he was got safe a Shore 1. Priest Now Father you make me Scratch where it does not itch But do you think Father there is any such danger of the Prince of Orange Hall I know not what to think on 't Fathers but exercise your Cats a Nine Tails let every Man be a Whipping Tom to his own Flesh Repentance you know sav'd Nineveh 2. Priest Now would the whole Universe were turn'd Topsie Turvy and Satan sole Lord of the Upper Regions Sure Satan would not let the Cause of his Servants suffer 1. Priest You wish well Father but let us be whose Servants we
t'other to Fight but let 's eat first there 's no such hast for t'other SCENE III. Hall the Priest Lady Lancarty Hall That 's nothing Madam where the Holy Church imposes a Command you are to make no Scruples Lady Surely Father you do not talk as you mean Did the Holy Church ever command a Woman to commit Adultery Hall No Madam nor did the Holy Church ever command a Woman to commit Murder And yet you see that for the good of the Holy Church Judith cut off Holophernes's Head Nor is it without great Probability from the Effect that she let him have the use of her Body to boot for you see that he had tired himself that is he had overwrought himself through the Allurements of a fresh Beauty and fell asleep Thus you see Madam here was Whoredom Murder and Treachery three Fowl Sins 't is true but being impos'd upon Judith by the Necessities of the Jewish Church she was not only acquitted by the Church but highly applauded for what she had done Lady But Father I do not see the Holy Church in any such danger at present Where are the Holophernes's that threaten to ruin the Holy Church Hall Madam here is a Great Monarch upon whom all the Hopes of the Holy Church in England Scotland and Ireland depend This Great Monarch Sues to you for the Trifle of a nights Lodging Now upon your denial this Great Monarch not able to bear the Cross of his Ardent Affection dies and what follows All the Hopes of the Holy Church are thereby lost for ever and you condemn'd to Eternal Purgatory Lady Father Those of your Order are notable Sophisters but you shall never argue me out of my Honour I say again the Holy Church never commanded a Woman to commit Adultery Hall Lord Madam that you will not understand when I say the Holy Church I mean the Interest of the Holy Church For the Interest of the Holy Church and the Holy Church are all one Now Madam when the Interest of the Holy Church requires it you are bound to do whatever may contribute to the Advancement of her interest Lady I cannot be of your Opinion Father Hall Madam I must chide you for your Squeamishness what Injury will it be For grant it were a Sin you know the Church can give you Absolution Now then where you receive no Injury to pretend Conscience to the Prejudice of the Holy Church Madam I wonder at ye Lady I know Father that you can Absolve me but will my Husband forgive me You know Father there was a great Lady in France that went into England and returned back into France but was Poyson'd in three days after she got home Hall Your Husband Madam why Confessors of my Order don't use to be Blabs of their Tongues Lady I don't know Father how it comes to pass but when Women do those things the Devil still ows 'em a shame and all the Town rings on 't the next day who d' ye think told that Ladies Husband her self Hall Madam I tell ye Madam you stand in your own Light and why is' t because you are afraid to Cuckold your Husband Now I affirm that you don't Cuckold your Husband For Kings are not Men but Gods Now I say it can be no Defilement to a Mortal Husbands Bed for his Wife to lye with a Deity ergo And thus Alcmena could not be said to Cuckold Amphitryo because she did not lye with a Man but with Jupiter that was a God ergo again Lady I see Father you leave no Stone unturn'd But are you sure the King dyes for love of me Hall Ah Madam d' ye think I come to tell ye a Canterbury Story or that I would appear in such an Office as this but to serve our Holy Mother the Church Lady Truly Father I cannot tell what to say to the Business the Devil and you are two Prevailing Tempters But are you sure the King dyes for Love of me Hall Sure Madam Lady I would not for a Thousand Pounds the King should dye for Love of me Hall A Thousand Pounds Madam why 't is as much as your Life's worth you may be impeach'd of High Treason upon it Lady Why then Father 't is resolv'd neither will I dye for the King neither shall the King dye for me I find my self in a tottering condition Were his Majesty but here himself now he might push me down with the end of his Foresinger Hall 'T is a Heaven upon Earth Madam to be a Great Monarch's Mistress I have heard of One who had a Thousand Pound brought her every Munday Morning to Play at Cards with Lady That 's more than I expect 't is in Obedience to our Holy Mother the Church that I submit But Privacy's the Word Father Hall Blessed Lady be assur'd of that My Bosom is a Cabinet not to be unlockt with Keys of Torment when entrusted with Secrets of this Nature Lady Aside A most excellent Pimp would I had known thee sooner Well then Father I leave the rest to your discreet Contrivance For you know the Saying Tho Tw be not Coy Reputation is Nice Hall By the way Madam one thing more when the Crowned Head lyes groveling at your Feet and bathing your Knees with his Tears remember me Madam Lady A Labourer like you is worthy of his Hire farewel Father SCENE IV. Hall K. J. Groom of the Chamber Hall Now do I go to wait upon the King with a Conscience void of Offence Thanks be to Heaven I have discharged a Great Trust and that Faithfully and Effectually too By such ways as these do those of our Order insinuate themselves into the Courts of Kings and govern the Hearts of Princes The Miss is our Slave and the Prince is Hers Thus we command his Secrets ruin our Enemies and preserve our own Grandeur Thus Father Le Chaise governs Madam de Montespane and she governs Lewis XIV she commands the Hereticks to be destroy'd and her word 's a Law And that which washes our Consciences with Hyssop is this that all this is done to advance the Interest of the Holy Mother the Church But I delay too long to carry the Good News to the King To the Groom of the Chamber Sir is his Majesty awake Groom Quite the Contrary Sir He is fast asleep Hall Wake him then for I have Business of Importance to communicate to him tell him I am here and that will be your Warrant of Security Groom To himself Pox o' this Rascally Priest now must I go wake the King to hear some impertinent Lecture or other for eating Roast beef of a Friday Are you so much in haste Father you can't stay till the King wakes of himself He was up late last night Hall Sir Company will then press in my business is private Groom To himself Some Pimping Story or other Begad and then I 'll not hinder it Goes in and comes out again Father the King 's awake and gives you leave to
do for the departed and so may Heaven grant you success with the same Benevolence as we shall drink it with fidelity to your Cause Herbert A pretty rough draught of Cordial Allegiance yet something better than Grief in one hand and Sorrow in the other Withal my Lord Mayor I must tell ye that tho' it has been often debated in Case a Revolution should happen whether upon deserting of Dublin the City should not be fir'd the King has consider'd of it and thinks it too Barbarous to be done for tho' he affects the French Modes in all other things in that he does not Tyrcon You see what a gracious Prince you were like to have had and therefore let it be the last Act of your Obedience to repress all Insolencies of the Rabble and keep all things quiet till your new Guardians come and then let them alone Mayor And I think too the Protestants may be all let out of their Confinements without any Orders of the Lieutenancy Tyr. Ay Ay my Lord or else they 'l let out themselves farewel my Lord K. J. Now my Lords let us post the next way to Waterford for I 'me resolv'd not to sleep till I get a Ship-board Herbert Please your Majesty I intend to bear you Company K. J. With all my heart my Lord I always love to have Justice o' my side ACT. III. Scene 5. The Released Protestants and Papists meet in the Streets the Papists fawn upon ' em Papist OH Neighbour well met I am heartily glad to see you at liberty again By my shoule Neighbour you cannot imagine how sorry I was at your Confinement By Creesh Neighbour I did all that lay in my Power for you went and spoke in your behalf till I was so snubb'd for my pains that I was forc'd to pull in my Horns for fear of being taken for one of you Protestant Ay Neighbour I heard what pains you took and I thank you for it most heartily Papist Truly Neighbour 't was always my Opinion that our Clergy were somewhat too severe I wish they had been more mild it might perhaps have been better for 'em I told 'em of their Rigour many times but then they were presently Cock a Hoop What are you a favourer of Hereticks and then my Mouth was presently stopt Protestant Well Neighbour 't is past now and I pray God forgive 'em for my part I do 2. Papist O Neighbour How I am overjoy'd at your deliverance I protest Neighbour I offer'd to be your Bail and carryed another along with me but it would not be taken I think the Devil was in 'em to be so Cruel I knew ye to be an Honest Man and a just Dealer and I would have paun'd all the Reputation I had in the World for ye if they would have taken it Protestant I thank you kind Neighbour I am very well satisfied in the Truth of what you say and I wish they would have taken your security for I was almost stifl'd we were so crouded together 3. Papist Neighbour I protest I joy to see you out of your Trouble did you never receive some inconsiderable trifling parcels of Money by a private hand I know they were not worth speaking of but I 'le assure you upon the Word of a Christian 't was I that sent 'em Protestant I 'le assure you Neighbour they were very acceptable and I most cordially thank you for it I knew Neighbour 't was your Charity by the private mark you us'd to give your Money Papist And did not at other times the same private hand bring you meat and drink Protestant Yes Neighbour I must needs acknowledge it Papist I 'll assure ye 't was I that sent it for I could not endure Men should be so cruelly us'd Protestant I was not ignorant of your kindness Neighbour I knew the Meat by the dressing and the Drink by the taste for I knew you had your meat always well drest and kept good Drink in your House I hope I may live to retaliate your Courtesies 4. Papist Your most humble Servant Mr. Clommell Protestant I do not know you Sir Papist It may be so Sir but were not you for two years together most violently tormented with the Head-ach Protestant Yes Sir I was so but when King James was here coming over Essex Bridge late i' th' Night from visiting some Protestant Relations some body or other without the least provocation in the World gave me a cut o' the Head about seven Inches long to my great ease as it prov'd for the Pain has never troubl'd me since the Cure Papist I 'le assure ye Sir upon the word of a Christian 't was I gave you that Cut for by my skill in Surgery I knew there was no other way to Cure ye And I did it unexpectedly for fear you would have been unwilling to have undergone the Cure had you been told of it beforehand Protestant Truly Sir 't was a very great kindness more than I deferv'd and a very great Cure and I 'le assure ye Sir I shall recommend ye for a Curer of the Head-ach to all I know that are in the same Condition that I then was Exeunt Papists Protestants meet together 1. Protestant Who lately thought of an Alteration like this so sudden and so Comfortable I could not reconcile my Bones to the hard Boards for my life they will hardly endure a Feather Bed yet they are so sore 2. Protestant How did you find your House at your return I 'm sure they left me nothing but bare Walls 1. Protestant Truly Neighbour I have not heard a Mouse stir in my House yet I believe they all went after our Provisions to the Popish Habitations and then for my Wares and Goods they are all vanished and yet I am sure when I left 'em they were all Corporeal Substances that had they not been taken away would never have mov'd of themselves Certainly Carriage was very dear during our Confinement and I am apt to think they would have carry'd a way the very bare walls too had they had time to pick down the Mortar 3. Protestant Certainly since the Parisian Massacre never did Prince permit so much Barbarism to be committed in the Metropolis of a Kingdom 5. Protestant And yet now I cannot but smile to hear our late Persecutors and Slanderers tell us what private friends they were to us in our necessities to curry favour with us for fear of the same usage But for my part I don't believe a tittle they say only I give 'em cheap good words 6. Protestant That it was debated whether they should fire the City or no in case they were forc'd to desert it is apparent by by the King 's own confession and it was no less plain that those thoughts were laid aside more out of fear of the little Mercy to be expected from an Enemy so enrag'd than out of any Kindness to us and therefore now we are free let us have a care