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A66812 Witty apophthegms delivered at several times, and upon several occasions by King James, King Charls, the Marquess of Worcester, Francis Lord Bacon, and Sir Thomas Moor ; collected and revised. Bayly, Thomas, d. 1657?; James I, King of England, 1566-1625. Selections. 1669.; Charles I, King of England, 1600-1649. Selections. 1669.; Worcester, Henry Somerset, Marquis of, 1577-1646. Selections. 1669.; Bacon, Francis, 1561-1626. Selections. 1669.; More, Thomas, Sir, Saint, 1478-1535. Selections. 1669. 1669 (1669) Wing W3237; ESTC R12699 69,627 178

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what Law he hath for it and so we shall break the neck of the quarrel and so said the Lieutenant I shall be hanged by the neck for my labour Whereat the Marquess replyed What friends hast thou in the Garison The Lieutenant made answer I have a wife and a daughter then said the Marquess with some vehemence I protest unto thee if they hang thee I will marry thy wife and provide for thy daughter The Lieutenant replyed I had rather you would marry my daughter and provide for me I protest said the Marquess I will marry thy daughter and I will provide for thee an honourable grave but you shall be hanged first My Lord said the Lieutenant shall I bespeak my grave thou shalt said the Marquess then said the Lieutenant I will be laid in the vault in Ragland Church betwixt your father and your Grandfather and I pray God I may be hanged before I see you again and so flung out of the room leaving my Lord in a most merry vein as possibly could be who remembring himself sent him five pieces to bear his charges The Lieutenant being brought to the General at Monmouth the General dismissed him of his Guard and sent him to Hereford with an oath at his heels that he would hang him if there were no more men in England then the Lieutenant cryed out This makes for us I do but think how finely I shall lie between the two old Earls and how finely the old Earl will lie between my daughters two young legs the particulars whereof being brought to the Marquess the Marquess was not a little perplext between fear of having his new Mistris losing his old friend which he had run himself into between jest and earnest but the greatest sport of all was concerning the hopeful Lady Marquess who was ever and anon enquiring and asking many questions concerning the Marquess whom she never saw what manner of man he was how old whether he went with a staff or no What was the reason he kept his chamber so much and did not come abroad Sometimes what diseases he had and how long it was ago since his Lady died with many other necessary questions to be asked by a woman in her condition nevertheless it stood the Marquess upon to be sollicitous in the business being so prest between two strong Passions Love and Pity and so he sends immediately to Hereford where making some sport of the business there the Lieutenant at last was brought home to his Wife and Daughter who ever after was called my Lady Marquess 32. Discoursing before the Marquess concerning the error of the Manichees who held there were two causes of Heaven and earth viz. that the good and white God made the heaven and man from the middle upward and the black and evil God was the efficient cause of the earth and of man from the middle downwards that was but a foolish conceit said the Marquesse for Gods power and wisdom is shown and seen as well in an Ant as in an Elephant as well in a worm as in an Angel so his Godhead and might appears as well in the earth as in the heavens but methinks it had been a pretty fancy and not far from truth or reason if they had held that Heaven and Earth had been as man and Wife or male and female seeing the Heavens were made as the male part of the world by whose influence motion and dews the earth as the female part thereof out of her womb brings forth all necessary and living creatures 33. On a Discourse of Necromancy the Marquess thus delivered himself that as none can be Scholars in a School and not be subject to the Master thereof So none can study and put in practise the Circles and Art of Magick without committing a horrible defection from God 34. The Marquesse was of a disposition alwaies inclinable to charitable constructions which suffered him not to want excuses or fome cloak or other to throw over any mans imperfections There was a Gentleman of high desert who chanced in the Marquess his hearing to come under the lash of some mens ceasures Alas Gentlemen said the Marquess Will you have corn to grow without ch●…ffe or light to be without its adjoyning darkness or the sweetest hony without unsavoury wax or the pleasant wines or liquors without their Lees and Dregs As soon shall corn gr●… without chaffe as a man of his parts shal●… be free from vain gl●…ry worthless chaffe keeps the corn warm and vain glory fires him to all those brave atchieviments If you set a man on his horse le him have his spurs 35. It was ordinary with the Marquess to entertain Discourse with every man according to the condition and profession he was of and most commonly from the beginning of his Discourse you should never know what the end would be taking delight to deceive the expectation of his Auditor Upon a time there was presented unto him a Lawyer and he was informed hefore-hand how excellent a man he was in his profession the Marquess thought with himself how he might pose him and being brought in with other Gentlemen after they had dined he was presented unto the Marquess Sir said the Marquess I have received a very good character of you they say you are very learned in the Law I would very fain ask you one question Any thing my Lord said the Lawyer that lies within my poor ability I pray said the Marquess who was the first man that ever had a Dedimus potestatem granted unto him the Lawyer was so confounded that he knew not what to say for a long time at last he made a long and learned discourse concerning the original of that Writ and the Marquess gave him the hearing but when he had done he told him that hè came far short of the original thereof for Adam was the first that ever had fulness of power granted unto him viz. when God gave him power to subdue the earth and to have dominion over every living creature The Lawyer thankt his Lordship and told him that he thought the Law had not been so antient Antient said the Marquess there was the beginning of all your Courts of Justice but I see you are but a common Lawyer that cannot derive your Pedigree from thence 36. Aeneas Silvius said to which the Marquess assents That the Christian faith and Law though it had not been confirmed by miracles yet was most worthy to be received for the honesty therof 37. There was a new married couple presented before the Marquess the Bride a goodly proper woman her face well feitured an excellent eye she had but was pitifully disfigured with the small Pox the Marquess looking much upon her and saying nothing to her a long while we all knew that Silence was in labour for some notable Production at last he advanceth toward the young Bride and asked he Gentlewoman Do you know why it is said that God Almighty created
replyed Mr. Prichard let me give you better advice put up more trees where the trees are so thin that my Lord of Worcester may not see thy house at all The Marquess of Worcester supposing the King had dreamed of this greediness of purchasing all the Land which was near unto him shewed his Majesty a row of trees and told the King that beyond that row of trees stood a pretty Tenement and because he would not have Naboths vineyard to be an eye-sore to him he had planted those trees to hoodwink his eyes from such temptations 50 God made one part of man of earth the basest element to teach him 〈◊〉 lity his soul proceeded from the bosom of himself to teach him goodness so that if he look downward nothing is viler if he cast his eyes to heaven he is of a matter more excellent than the Angels The former part was a type of Adam the second of Christ which gives life to that which was dead in it self APOPHTHEGMS OF THE EARL OF VVORCESTER 1 AT the Kings being at Ragland there were some information given of some Gentlemen of the County who were supposed to have done his Majesty many ill offices by withdrawing the hearts of the people from his Majesty these men thus accused were ordered to be laid hold of and it was executed accordingly and they being brought before his Majesty it was moved by some that they should be forthwith tryed by a Commission of Oyer and Terminer others advised his Majesty they should be sent to Hereford and there to be kept in safe custody until further consultation might be had concerning them they excusing themselves as well as they could one of them protesting his innocency with tears in his eyes the King ordered that he should be released being always prone to lean to pity rather than Justice and to favourable rather than rigid construction The King coming back from Alergeveny where this was put in execution told the Marquess what he had done and that when he saw them speak so honestly he could not but give some credit to their words so seconded by tears and withal told the Marquess that he had onely sent them to prison whereupon the Marquess said what to do to poyson that Garison Sir you should have done well to have heard their accusations and then to have shewed what mercy you pleased The King told him that he heard they were accused by some contrary Faction as to themselves who out of distast they bore to one another upon old grudges would be apt to charge them more home than the nature of their offences had deserved to whom the Marquess made this return Well Sir you may chance to gain you the Kingdom of heaven by such doings as these but if ever you get the Kingdom of England by such wayes I will be your bond-man 2. The Marquess had a mind to tell the King as handsomly as he could of some of his as he thought faults and thus he contrived his plot against the time that his Majesty was wont to give his Lordship a visit as commonly he used to do after dinner his Lordship had the book of John Gower lying before him on the Table the King casting his eye upon the book told the Marquess that he had never seen it before O said the Marquess it is a book of books which if your Majesty had been well versed in it would have made you a King of Kings Why so my Lord said the King Why said the Marquess here is let down how Aristotle brought up and instructed Alexander the great in all his iudiments and principles belonging to a Prince and under the persons of Alexander and Aristotle he read the King such a lesson that all the standers by were amazed at his boldness and the King supposing that he had gone further than his Text would have given him leave asked the Marquess whether he had his lesson by heart or whether he spake out of the book the Marquess replyed Sir if you could read my heart it may be you might find it there or if your Majesty please to get it by heart I will lead you my book which latter proffer the King accepted of and did borrow it nay said the Marquess I will lend it you upon these conditions 1. That you read it 2. That you make use of it but perceiving how some of the new made Lords fretted and bit the thumbs at certain passages in the Marquesses Discourse he thought a little to please his Majesty though he displeased them the men who were so much displeased already protesting unto his Majesty that no man was so much for the absolute power of a King as Aristotle desiring the book out of the Kings hand he told the King he would shew him one remarkable passage to that purpose turning to that place that had this verse viz. A King can kill a King can save A King can make a Lord a knave And of a knave a Lord also Whereupon there were divers new made Lords who slank out of the room which the King observing told the Marquess My Lord at this rate you will drive away all my Nobility the Marquess replyed I protest unto your Majesty I am as new a made Lord as any of them all but I was never called knave and rogue so much in all my life as I have been since I received this last honour and why should not they bear their shares 3. The Marquess travelling was as he thought surprized by enemies but recovering the top of a high Mountain by the advantage of the ground he could see the enemy marching off another way at which sight the Marquess dwelt with his eyes a little longer upon that object then the L. John Somerset his son thought convenient whereunto the Marquess made this reply O son I love to see my own danger especially when it is marching of 4. The Marquess travelling on the way happened to come to a place wherein was seen a miracle which the tradition of those parts reports to have been wrought occasioned upon Saint Davids preaching unto 3000 people who that he might the better be heard the ground it is said to rise up in a round knob whereupon Saint David pitched his Cross whereon he leaned whilst he was preaching which Cross was yet standing with some words and letters which time had made unlegible and that Saint David had caused a Church to be erected in that place as a memorial of so great a miracle this relation made the Marquess very desirous to view the place the Church and the Cross and standing in the Church yard every man endeavoured to make something of the obliterated superscription and no man could for there were only these worn pieces of characters to be seen viz. Crx. Xt●… Dd. and a piece of an S. which my Lord presently read it Crux Christi Davidis which we all wondring that no man could find it out it afterwards appearing to be so
latter end of their daies he saith thus A leud fellow that had spent all his life in wickedness was wont to brag that he could be saved if he spoke but three words at the hour of his death riding over a bridge that was broken his horse stumbling not being able to save himself from falling into the water when he saw himself past recovery casting away the bridle he said The Devil take all and so with his three words he perished in the River 8. Even as he that passeth over a narrow Bridge by reason of his fear often falleth especially if others say to him you fall which otherwise he would safely pass over even so he that is fearful by nature and full of pusillanimity often falleth into desperation the Devil crying unto hi●… thou art damned which he would never hearken to nor be in any danger of if he should take unto him a good heart and by wholsom councel nothing fear the Devils out-cry 9. The prosperity of this world is like the shortest winters day and we are listed up in it as an Arrow shot upon high where a short breath do●…h delight us but from thence we fall suddenly to the earth and there we stick fast either bemired with the dirt of insamy or starving with cold being pluck'd on t of our feathers 10. It is a hard thing to touch pitch and not be desiled therewith a dry stick to be put into the fire and not to be burnt to nourish a Snake in our bosom and not to be stung with it So a m●…st hard thing it is to be rich and honoured in this world and not be struck with the dart of Pride and vai●…-glory 11. Let there be two beggars who a long time begged together one of whom some rich man hath entertained in his house put him in Silk give him mony in his purse but with this cond●…tion as he tells him within a short space he will thrust him out of his doors and take all that away from him again if he in the mean while being thus gallant should chance to meet with his fellow beggar would he be so foolish as for all this not to acknowledge him for his companion or would he for those few daies happiness hold himself better than he applying this to every mans case Who cometh naked into this world and is to return naked again 12. If he be called stout that hath sortitude he hot who hath heat wise that hath wisdom yet he who hath riches cannot be said presently to be good therefore riches cannot be numbred among good things Twenty yea a hundred bare heads standing by a Noble man doth not defend his head from cold so much as his own hat doth alone which yet he is inforced to put off in the presence of his Prince 13. He that knoweth certainly he is to be banished into a strange Country never to return again 〈◊〉 his own and will not endure that his goods be transported thither being loath to want them for that little while rather than ever to enjoy them after may well be thought a mad man so are they out of their wits who intic'd with a vain affections to keep their goods alwaies about them and neglective to give alms for fear of wanting cannot endure to have their goods sent before them to heaven when as they know most assuredly that they shall enjoy them alwaies there with all plenty and with a double reward 14. To ease his thoughts when he was in Prison He imagined that all the world was but a Prison out of which every day some one or other was called to execution 15. When he heard any at his Table speaking detraction he would interrupt them thus Let any man think as he pleaseth I like this room very well for it is very well contrived and fairly built 16. Of an ungrateful person he would say That they wrote good turns d●…ne unto them in the dust but even the least injuries in marble 17. He compareth reason to an handmaid which if she be well taught will obey and faith to the Mistress which is to keep her in awe 18. He said That he was a mad man that would drink poyson to take a preservative after it but he is a wiseman that spilling the poyson leaveth the Antidote for him that hath need thereof 19. When Sir Thomas Moore lived in the City of London being one of the Justices of Peace he used to go to the Sessions at New gate where it fell out that one of the ancientest Justices of the Bench was wont to chide the poor men whose purses had been cut for not being more careful telling them their negligence was the cause that so many cut-purses were brought thither which when Sir Thomas Moore observed him so often to repeat at one time especially the night after he sent for one of the chief cut-purses that was in prison and promised to save him harmless and stand his friend too if he would cut the aforesaid Justices Purse the next day as he sate on the Bench and then presently make a sign of it to him the fellow very gladly promiseth him to do it the next day therefore when they sate again that Thief was called among the first who being accused of his fact said he did not doubt but that he could sufficiently excuse himself if he were permitted to speak to some of the Bench in private he was therefore bid to chuse one who he would and presently he chose that grave old man who then had his pouch at his girdle as they wore them in those dayes and whilst he whispered him in the ear he cunningly cut his purse and then solemnly taking his leave returns to his place Sir Thomas knowing by a private sign that the business was dispatcht presently took occasion to move the Bench to distribute some alms to a poor needy fellow that was there and for good example began himself to do it when the old man came to open his purse and sees it cut away and much wondering said he was confident he brought it with him when he came thither that morning Sir Thomas replied presently What will you charge any of us with felony but his choler rising and he being ashamed of the thing Sir Thomas calls the Cut-purse and bids him give him his purse again and withal advised the good old Justice hereafter Not to be so bitter a censurer of innocent mens negligence when as himself could not secure his purse in that open assembly 20. When he was Lord Chancellour one of the house of the Manors whom the King had lately preferred to a great honour who before that had been a great friend of Sir Thomas Moores but perceiving now that the world began somewhat to frown upon him because he was not so forward as other men to perswade the King to the divorce and being desirous to pick so●…e quarrel against him My Lord said Honores mut●…nt mores Sir Thomas