Sir J. Wou'd my Wife knew it 't would be no Secret long Const. Why do you think she can't keep a Secret Sir J. No more than she can keep Lent Heartfr Prithee tell it her to try Constant. Sir J. No prithee don't that I mayn't be plagu'd with it Const. I 'll hold you a Guinea you don't make her tell it you Sir J. I 'll hold you a Guinea I do Const. Which way Sir Ioh. Why I 'll beg her not to tell it me Heartfr Nay if any thing do's it that will Con. But do you think Sir Sir Ioh. Oons Sir I think a Woman and a Secret are the two impertinentest Themes in the Universe Therefore pray let 's hear no more of my Wife nor your Mistress Damn 'em both with all my Heart and every thing else that Daggles a Petticoat except four Generous Whores with Betty Sands at the head of 'em who were drunk with my Lord Rake and I ten times in a Fortnight Exit Sir John Con. Here 's a dainty fellow for you And the veriest Coward too But his usage of his Wife makes me ready to stab the Villain Heartfr Lovers are short sighted All their Senses run into that of feeling This proceeding of his is the only thing on Earth can make your Fortune If any thing can prevail with her to accept of a Gallant 't is his ill usage of her for Women will do more for revenge than they 'll do foâ—r the Gospel Prethee take heart I have great hopes for you and since I can't bring you quite off of her I 'll endeavour to bring you quite on for a whining â—over is the damn'd'st Companion upon Earth Cor. My Dear Friend flatter me a little more with these hopes for whilst they prevail I have Heaven within me and cou'd melt with joy Heart Pray no melting yet let things go farther first This afternoon perhaps we shall make some advance In the mean while let 's go Dine at Locket's and let hope get you a Stomach Exeunt SCENE Lady Fancyful's House Enter Lady Fancyfull and Madamoiselle Lady F. Did you ever see any thing so Importune Madamoiselle Madam Inteed Matam to say de trute he want leetel good breeding Lady F. Good breeding He wants to be cain'd Madamoiselle an Insolent Fellow And yet let me expose my Weakness 't is the only Man on earth I cou'd resolve to dispence my Favours on were he but a fine Gentleman Well did Men but know how deep an Impression a fine Gentleman makes in a Lady's heart they wouâ—d reduce all their studies to that of good breeding alone Enter Cornet Cor. Madam here 's Mr. Treble He has brought home the Verses your Ladyship made and gave him to set Lady F. O let him come in by all means Now Madamoiselle am I going to be unspeakably happy Enter Treble So Mr. Treble you have set my little Dialogue Treb. Yes Madam and I hope your Ladyship will be pleased with it Lady F. O no doubt on 't for really Mr. Treble you set all things to a Wonder But your Musick is in particular Heavenly when you have my words to cloath in 't Treb. Your words themselves Madam have so much Musick in 'em they inspire me Lady F. Nay now you make me blush Mr. Treble but pray let 's hear what you have done Treb. You shall Madam A Song to be Sung between a Man and a Woman M. AH Lovely Nymph the worâ—â—'s on Fire Viel Veil those cruel Eyes W. The VVorld may then in Flames expire And boast that so it Dies M. But when all Mortals are destroyd VVho then shall Sing your Praise W. Those who are fit to be employ'd The Gods shall Altars raise Treb. How do's your Ladship like it Madam Lady F. Rapture Rapture Mr. Treble I 'm all Rapture O Wit and Art what power you have when joyn'd I must needs tell you the Birth of this Little Dialogue Mr. Treble It 's Father was a Dream and it's Mother was the Moon I dreamt that by an unanimous Vote I was chosen Queen of that Pale World And that the first time I appear'd upon my Throne all my Subjects fell in Love with me Just then I wak'd and seeing Pen Ink and Paper lie idle upon the Table I slid into my Morning Gown and writ this in promptu Treb. So I guess the Dialogue Madam is suppos'd to be between your Majesty and your first Minister of State Lady F. Just he as Minister advises me to trouble my head about the wellfare of my Subjects which I as Soveraign find a very impertinent proposal But is the Town so Dull Mr. Treble it affords us never another New Song Treb. Madam I have one in my Pocket came out but yesterday if your Ladyship pleases to let Mrs. Pipe Sing it Lady F. By all means Here Pipe Make what Musique you can of this Song here SONG NOT an Angel dwells above Half so fair as her I Love Heaven knows how she 'll receive me If she smiles I 'm blest indeed If she frowns I 'm quickly freed Heaven knows she ne'er can grieve me II. None can Love her more than I Yet she ne'er shall make me die If my flame can never warm her Lasting Beauty I 'll adore I shall never Love her more Cruelâ—y will so deform her Lady F. Very well This is Heartfree's Poetry without question Treb. Won't your Ladiship please to sing your self this morning Lady F. O Lord Mr. Treble my cold is still so Barbarous to refuse me that pleasure He he hem Treb. I 'm very sorry for it Madam Methinks all Mankind shou'd turn Physicians for the Cure on 't Lady F. Why truly to give mankind their due There 's few that know me but have offer'd their Remedy Treb. They have reason Madam for I know no body Sings so near a Cherubin as your Ladyship Lady F. What I do I owe chiefly to your skill and care Mr. Treble People do â—â—tâ—er me indeed that I have a voice and a je ne scai quoy in the Conduct of it that will make Musick of any thing And truly I begin to believe so since what happen'd t'other night would you think it Mr. Treble walking pretty late in the Park for I often walk late in the Park Mr. Treble A whim took me to sing Chivy-Chase and would you believe it Next morning I had three Copies of Verses and six Bâ—llet-doux at my Levee upon it Treb. And without all dispute you deserv'd as many more Madam are there any further Commands for your Ladyshipâ—s humble Servant Lady F. Nothing more at this time Mr. Treble But I shall expect you here every morning for this Month to sing my little matter there to me I 'll reward you for your pains Treb. O Lord Madam Lady F. Good morrow sweet Mr. Treble Treb. Your Ladyships most obedient Servant Exit Treb. Enter Servant Serv. Will your Ladyship please to dine yet Exit Serv. Lady F. Yes let 'em serve Sure this
THE Provok'd Wife A COMEDY Books Printed for and lately Published by Richard VVellington at the Lute in St. Paul's Church-Yard FAmiliar Letters Written by Iohn Late Earl of Rochester in two Volumes each Volume may be had singly Ovid's Travestie or a Burlesque on Ovid's Epistles by Captain Alexander Radcliff The whole Works of that Excellent Physitian Dr. Tho. Sydenham Englished Poems on several occasions with a Satyre on the Play-House by Mr. Robert Gould The Histories and Novels of the late Ingenious Mrs. Behn Collected into one Volume A Discourse of the Nature and Faculties of Man in several Essays with Reflections upon the occurrences of Humane Life by Tim. Nourse Gent. The Family Physâ—cian or a Collection of Choice and Approved Remedies for the Cure of all Diseases incident to Humane Bodies usefull in Families and Serviceable to Country People To which is added the true English Wine Cellar being the Right Method of making English Wines or Metheglin with a Collection of the Choicest Cosmetick Remedies for Preserving the Beauty and Complection of Ladies never before Published By George Heartman Servant to Sir Kenelm Digby till he Died. A General History of the Diseases of Infants and Children by Iohn Peachey of the College of Physicians Plautus's Comedies Englished by Mr. Eachard The Art of Knowing ones self or a Diligent search into the Springs of Morality written in French by Iames Abbadie D. D. faithfully Englished Next week will be Published an End to the Controversie between the Church of England and Dissenters in which all their Pleas for Separation from the Church of England are proved to be Insufficient from the Writings of the most Eminent among the Dissenters themselves And their Separation Condemn'd by the Reformed Churches THE Provok'd Wife A COMEDY As it is Acted at the New Theatre IN Little Lincolns-Inn-Fields By the Author of a New Comedy call'd the Relapse or Virtue in Danger LONDON Printed by I. O. for R. Wellington at the Lute in St. Paul's Church Yard and Sam. Briscoe in Covent-Garden 1697. ADVERTISEMENT ☞ Plays lately published Anatomist or Sham-Doctor Rule a Wise and have a Wife Rover or the Banish'd Cavalier The Younger Brother or Amorous Jilâ—â— Spanish Wives a Farce Unnatural Brother a Tragedy Triumphs of Virtue a Trage-Comedy All Printed for Richard Welâ—ington at the Lute in St. Paul's Church-Yard Where you may be furnished with most Plays Next Week will be published the Plot and no Plot A new Comedy Written by Mr. Dennâ—â— PROLOGUE To the Provok'd Wife spoke by Mistress Bracegirdle SInce 't is the Intent and Business of the Stagâ— To Copy out the Follies of the Age To hold to every Man a Faithful Glass And shew him of what Species he 's an Ass. I hope the next that teaches in the School Will shew our Author he 's a scribling Fool. And that the Satyr may be sure to Bite Kind Heav'n Inspire some venom'd Priest to Write And grant some Vgly Lady may Indite For I wou'd have him lash'd by Heav'ns I would Till his presumption swam away in Blood Three Plays at once proclaims a Face of Brass No matter what they are That 's not the Case To Write three Plays ev'n that 's to be an Ass. But what I least forgive he knows it too For to his Cost he lately has known you Experience shews to many a Writers smart You hold a Court where mercy ne're had part So much of the old Serpent's Sting you have You Love to Damn as Heav'n Delights to Save In Foreign Parts let a bold Voluntiere For publick Good upon the Stage appear He meets ten thousand Smiles to Dissipate his Fear All tickle on th' adventuring young Beginner And only scourge th' incorragible Sinner They touch indeed his Faults but with a hand So gentle that his Merit still may stand Kindly they Buoy the Follies of his Pen That he may shun 'em when he Writes again But 't is not so in this good natur'd Town All 's one an Ox a Pâ—et or a Crown Old England's play was always knocking Down EPILOGUE By another Hand Spoken by Lady Brute and Bellinda Lady B. NO Epilogue Bell. I Swear I know of none Lady Lord How shall we excuse it to the Town Bell. Why we must e'en say something of our own Lady Our own Ay that must needs be precious stuff Bell. I 'll lay my life they 'll like it well enough Come Faith begin Lady Excuse me after you Bell. Nay pardon me for that I know my Cue Lady O for the World I would not have Precedence Bell. O Lord Lady I Swear Bell. O Fye Lady I 'm all Obedience First then know all before our Doom is fixt The Third day is for us Bell. Nay and the Sixt. Lady We speak not from the Poet now nor is it His Cause I want a Rhime Bell. That we solicite Lady Then sure you cannot have the hearts to be severe And Damn us Bell. Damn us Let 'em if they Dare. Lady Why if they should what punishment Remains Bell. Eternal Exile from behind our Scenes Lady But if they 're kind that sentence we 'll recal We can be grateful Bell. And have wherewithall Lady But at grand Treaties hope not to be Trusted Before Preliminaries are adjusted Bell. You know the Time and we appoint this place Where if you please we 'll meet and sign the Peace Drammatis Personae Constant. Mr. Verbrugen Heartfree Mr. Hudson Sir Iohn Brute Mr. Betterton Treble A Singing Master Mr. Bowman Rasor Vallet de Chambre to Sir I. B. Mr. Bowen Justice of the Peace Mr. Bright Lord Rake Companion to Sir I. B. Coll. Bully Companion to Sir I. B. Constable and Watch. Lady Brute Mrs. Barry Bellinda her Neice Mrs. Bracegirdle Lady Fancyfull Mrs. Bowman Madamoiselle Mrs. Willis Cor. and Pipe Servants to Lady Fancy THE Provok'd Wife ACT the First Scene Sir John Brute's House Enter Sir John solus WHAT cloying meat is Love when Matrimony's the Sauce to it Two years Marriage has debaucht my five Senses Every thing I see every thing I hear every thing I feel every thing I smell and every thing I taste methinks has Wife in 't No Boy was ever so weary of his Tutor no Girl of her Bib no Nun of doing Penance nor Old Maid of being Chast as I am of being Married Sure there 's a secret Curse entail'd upon the very Name of Wife My Lady is a young Lady a fine Lady a Witty Lady a Virtuous Lady and yet I hate her There is but one thing on Earth I loath beyond her That 's fighting Wou'd my Courage come up but to a fourth part of my Ill Nature I 'd stand buff to her Relations and thrust her out of Doors But Marriage has sunk me down to such an Ebb of Resolution I dare not draw my Sword tho even to get rid of my Wife But here she comes Enter Lady Brute Lady Do you Dine at home to day Sir Iohn Sir Ioh. Why do you expect
because I have you in my power for you cannot get so quickly to your Coach but I shall have time enough to make you hear every thing I have to say to you Lady Fanc These are strange Liberties you take Mr. Heartfree Heartf They are so Madam but there 's no help for it for know that I have a Design upon you Lady Fanc Upon me Sir Heartfr Yes and one that will turn to your Glory and my Comfort if you will but be a little wiser than you use to be Lady Fanc Very well Sir Heartfr Let me see Your Vanity Madam I take to be about some eight degrees higher than any Womans in the Town let tâ—other be who she will and my Indifference is naturally about the same pitch Now cou'd you find the way to turn this Indifference into Fire and Flames methinks your Vanity ought to be satisfied and this perhaps you might bring about upon pretty reasonable terms Lady Fanc And pray at what rate would this Indifference be bought off if one should have so deprav'd an Appetite to desire it Heartfr Why Madam to drive a Quaker's Bargain and make but one word with you if I do part with it you must lay me down your Affectation Lady Fanc My Affectation Sir Heartfr Why I ask you nothing but what you may very well spare Lady Fanc You grow rude Sir Come Madamoiselle 't is high time to be gone Madam Alons alons alons Heartfr stopping 'em Nay you may as well stand still for hear me you shall walk which way you please Lady Fanc What mean you sir Heartfr I mean to tell you that you are the most ungrateful Woman upon Earth Lady Fanc Ungrateful To who Heartfr To Nature Lady Fanc Why what has Nature done for me Heartfr What you have undone by Art It made you handsom it gave you Beauty to a Miracle a Shape without a fault Wit enough to make 'em relish and so turn'd you loose to your own Discretion which has made such Work with you that you are become the Pity of our Sex and the Jest of your own There is not a Feature in your Face but you have found the way to teach it some affected Convulsion your Feet your Hands your very Fingers ends are directed never to move without some ridiculous Air or other and your Language is a suitable Trumpet to draw Peoples Eyes upon the Raree-show Madam aside Est ce qu'on fais l'amour en Angleterre comme sa Lady Fanc aside Now could I cry for madness but that I know he 'd laugh at me for it Heartfr Now do you hate me for telling you the Truth but that 's because you don't believe it is so for were you once convinc'd of that you 'd reform for your own sake But 't is as hard to perswade a Woman to quit any thing that makes her ridiculous as 't is to prevail with a Poet to see a Fault in his own Play Lady Fanc Every Circumstance of nice Breeding must needs appear ridiculous to one who has so natural an Antipathy to good Manners Heartfr But suppose I could find the means to convince you That the whole World is of my Opinion and that those who flatter and commend you do it to no other intent but to make you persevere in your Folly that they may continue in their Mirth Lady Fanc Sir tho' you and all that World you talk of should be so impertinently officious as to think to perswade me I don't know how to behave my self I should still have Charity enough for my own Understanding to believe my self in the right and all you in the wrong Madam Le voila mort Exeunt Lady Fanc and Madamoiselle Heartfr gazing after her There her single Clapper has publish'd the sense of the whole Sex Well this once I have endeavour'd to wash the Blackamoor white but henceforward I 'll sooner undertake to teach Sincerity to a Courtier Generosity to an Usurer Honesty to a Lawyer nay Humility to a Divine than Discretion to a Woman I see has once set her Heart upon playing the Fool. Enter Constant. ' Morrow Constant. Const. Good morrow Iack What are you doing here this morning Heartfr Doing guess if thou canst Why I have been endeavouring to perswade my Lady Fanciful that she 's the foolishest Woman about Town Const. A pretty Endeavour truly Heartfr I have told her in as plain English as I could speak both what the Town says of her and what I think of her In short I have us'd her as an Absolute King would do Magna Charta Const. And how does she take it Heartfr As Children do Pills bite 'em but can't swallow ' em Const. But prithee what has put it in your Head of all Mankind to turn Reformer Heartfr Why one thing was the Morning hung upon my Hands I did not know what to do with my self And another was That as little as I care for Women I could not see with patience one that Heaven had taken such wondrous pains about be so very industrious to make her self the Iack Pudding of the Creation Const. Well now could I almost wish to see my cruel Mistriss make the self-same use of what Heaven has done for her that so I might be cur'd of a Disease that makes me so very uneasie for Love Love is the Devil Heartfree Heartfr And why do you let the Devil govern you Const. Because I have more Flesh and Blood than Grace and Self-denial My dear dear Mistriss ' d â—death that so gentâ—el a Woman should be a Saint when Religion 's out of fashion Heartfr Nay she 's much in the wrong truly but who knows â—ow far Time and Good Example may prevail Const. O! they have play'd their Parts in vain already 'T is now two Years since that damn'd fellow her Husband invited me to his Wedding and there was the first time I saw that charming Woman whom I have lov'd ever since more than e'er a Martyr did his Soul but she 's cold my Friend still cold as the Northern Star Heartfr So are all Women by Nature which makes 'em so willing to be warmâ—d Const. O don't prophane the â—ex prithee think 'em all Angels for her sake for she 's virtuous even to a fault Heartfr A Lover's Head is a good accountable thing truly he adores his Mistriss for being virtuous and yet is very angry with her because she won't be lewd Const. Well the only Relief I expect in my Misery is to see thee some day or other as deeply engag'd as my self which will force me to be merry in the midst of all my Misfortunes Heartfr That day will never come be assur'd Ned Not but that I can pass a Night with a Woman and for the time perhaps make my self as good sport as you can do Nay I can court a Woman too call her Nymph Angel Goddess what you please but here 's the Difference 'twixt you and I I perswade a Woman she 's an Angel
down to the same Indifference only clad in a little better Manners perhaps Well you Men are unaccountable things mad till you have your Mistresses and then stark mad till you are rid of 'em again Tell me honestly is not your Patience put to a much severer Tryal after Possession than before Heart With a great many I must confess it is to our eternal Scandal but I dear Creature do but try me Bel. That 's the surest way indeed to know but not the safest To Lady B. Madam are not you for taking a turn in the Great Walk It 's almost dark no body will know us Lady B. Really I find my self something idle Bellinda besides I dote upon this little odd private Corner But don't let my lazy Fancy confine you Const. aside So she wou'd be left alone with me that 's well Bel Well we 'll take one turn and come to you again To Heart Come Sir shall we go pry into the secrets of the Garden Who knows what Discoveries we may make Heart Madam I 'm at your Service Const. to Heart aside Don't make too much haste back for d' ye hear I may be busie Heart Enough Exit Bellinda and Heartfree Lady B. Sure you think me scandalously free Mr. Constant. I 'm afraid I shall lose your good Opinion of me Const. My good Opinion Madam is like your Cruelty never to be remov'd Lady B But if I shou'd remove my Cruelty then there 's an end of your good Opinion Const. There is not so strict an Alliance between 'em neither 'T is certain I shou'd love you then better if that be possible than I do now and where I love I always esteem Lady B. Indeed I doubt you much Why suppose you had a Wife and she shou'd entertain a Gallant Const. If I gave her just Cause how cou'd I justly condemn her Lady B. Ah but you 'd differ widely about just Causes Const. But blows can bear no Dispute Lady B. Nor Ill Manners much truly Const. Then no Woman upon Earth has so just a Cause as you have Lady B. O but a faithful Wife is a beautiful Character Const. To a deserving Husband I confess it is Lady B. But can his Faults Release my Duty Const. In Equity without doubt And where Laws dispense with Equity Equity should dispense with Laws Lady B. Pray let 's leave this Dispute for you Men have as much Witchcraft in your Arguments as Women have in their Eyes Const. But whil'st you Attack me with your Charms 't is but reasonable I Assault you with mine Lady B. The Case is not the same What Mischief we do we can't help and therefore are to be forgiven Const. Beauty soon obtains Pardon for the Pain that it gives when it applies the Balm of Compassion to the Wound But a fine Face and a hard Heart is almost as bad as an ugly Face and a soft one both very troublesom to many a Poor Gentleman Lady B. Yes and to many a Poor Gentlewoman too I can assure you But pray which of 'em is it that most afflicts you Const. Your Glass and Conscience will inform you Madam But for Heaven's sake for now I must be serious if Pity or if Gratitude can move you Taking her hand If Constancy and Truth have Power to tempt you If Love if Adoration can affect you give me at least some hopes that time may do what you perhaps mean never to perform 'T will ease my Sufferings tho' not quench my Flame Lady B. Your Sufferings eas'd your Flame wou'd soon abate And that I wou'd preserve not quench it Sir Const. Wou'd you preserve it nourish it with favours for that 's the Food it naturally requires Lady B. Yet on that Natural Food 't wou'd Surfeit soon shou'd I resolve to grant all that you wou'd ask Const. And in refusing all you starve it Forgive me therefore since my Hunger rages if I at last grow Wild and in my frenzy force at least This from you Kissing her hand Or if you 'd have my Flame soar higher still then grant me this and this and this and Thousands more Kissing first her hand then her neck Aside for now 's the time She melts into Compassion Lady B. Aside Poor Coward Vertue how it shuns the Battle O heavens let me go Const. Ay go ay Where shall we go my Charming Angel into this private Arbour Nay let 's lose no time Moments are precious Lady B. And Lovers wild Pray let us stop here at least for this time Const. 'T is impossible He that has Power over you can have none over himself As he is forcing her into the Arbour Lady Fancyful and Madamoiselle bolt out upon them and Run over the Stage Lady B. Ah I 'm lost Lady Fancy Fe fe fe fe fe Madamois Fe fe fe fe fe Const. Death and Furies who are these Lady B. Oh heavens I 'm out of my Wits if they knew me I 'm Ruin'd Const. Don't be frightned Ten thousand to One they are Strangers to you Lady B. Whatever they are I won't stay here a moment longer Const. Whither will you go Lady B. Home as if the Devil were in me Lord where 's this Bellinda now Enter Bellinda and Heartfree O! it 's well you are come I 'm so frightned my Hair stands an end Let 's be gone for Heaven's sake Bell. Lord What 's the Matter Lady B. The Devil 's the Matter we are discover'd Here 's a Couple of Women have done the most impertinent thing Away Away Away Away Away Exit running Re-enter Lady Fancyful and Madamoiselle Lady Fancy Well Madamoiselle 't is a Prodigious thing how Women can suffer filthy Fellows to grow so familiar with ' em Madamois Ah Matam il n'y a rien desi Naturel Lady Fancy Fe fe fe But oh my Heart O Jealousie O Torture I 'm upon the rack What shall I do my Lover's lost I ne'er shall see him Mine Pausing But I may be reveng'd and that 's the same thing Ah sweet Revenge Thou welcome thought thou healing Balsam to my wounded Soul Be but propitious on this one Occasion I 'll place my Heaven in thee for all my Life to come To Woman how indulgent Nature's kind No Blast of Fortune long disturbs her Mind Compliance to her Fate supports her still If Love won't make her Happy Mischief will Exeunt The End of the Fourth ACT. ACT V. SCENE Lady Fancyfull's House Enter Lady Fancyfull and Madamoiselle Lady Fancy WEll Madamoiselle Did you Dogg the filthy things Madamois O que Ouy Matam Lady Fancy And where are they Madamois Au Logis Lady Fancy VVhat Men and All Madamois Tous ensemble Lady Fancy O Confidence VVhat carry their Fellows to their own House Madamois C'est que le Mari n'y est pas Lady Fancy No so I believe truly But he shall be there and quickly too if I can find him out Well 't is a Prodigious thing to see when Men and VVomen get together how they
fortifie one another in their Impudence But if that Drunken Fool her Husband be to be found in e'er a Tavern in Town I 'll send him amongst ' em I 'll spoil their Sport Madamois En Verite Matam ce seroit domage Lady Fancy 'T is in Vain to Oppose it Madamoiselle therefore never go about it For I am the steadiest Creature in the VVorld when I have determin'd to do Mischief So Come along Exeunt SCENE Sir John Brute's House Enter Constant Heartfree Lady Brute Bellinda and Lovewell Lady B. But are you sure you don't Mistake Lovewell Love Madam I saw 'em all go into the Tavern together and my Master was so drunk he cou'd scarce stand Lady B. Then Gentlemen I believe we may Venture to let you Stay and Play at Cards with us an Hour or two for they 'll scarce part till Morning Bell. I think 't is pity they shou'd ever part Const. The Company that 's here Madam Lady B. Then Sir the Company that 's here must remember to part it self in time Const. Madam we dont intend to forfeit your future Favours by an indiscreet Usage of this The moment you give us the Signal we sha'n't fail to make our Retreat Lady B. Upon those Conditions then Let us sit down to Cards Enter Lovewell O Lord Madam here 's my Master just staggering in upon you He has been Quarrelsom yonder and they have kick'd him out of the Company Lady B. Into the Closet Gentlemen for Heaven's â—ake I 'll wheedle him to Bed if possible Const. and Heart run into the Closet Enter Sir John all Dirt and Bloody Lady B. Ah ah he 's all over Blood Sir Iohn What the Plague do's the Woman Squall for Did you never see a Man in Pickle before Lady B. Lord where have you been Sir Iohn I have been at Cuffs Lady B. I fear that is not all I hope you are not wounded Sir Iohn Sound as a Roche Wife Lady B. I 'm mighty glad to hear it Sir I. You know I think you Lye Lady B. I know you do me wrong to think so then For Heaven 's my Witness I had rather see my own Blood trickle down than yours Sir Iohn Then will I be Crucify'd Lady B. 'T is a hard Fate I shou'd not be believ'd Sir Iohn 'T is a damn'd Atheistical Age Wife Lady B. I am sure I have given you a Thousand tender Proofs how great my Care is of you Nay spite of all your Cruel Thoughts I 'll still persist and at this moment if I can perswade you to lie down and Sleep a little Sir Iohn Why do you think I am drunk you Slut you Lady B. Heaven forbid I shou'd But I 'm afraid you are Feaverish Pray let me feel your Pulse Sir Iohn Stand off and be damn'd Lady B. Why I see your Distemper in your very Eyes You are all on fire Pray go to Bed Let me intreat you Sir Iohn Come kiss me then Lady B. Kissing him There Now go Aside He stinks like Poison Sir Iohn I see it go's damnably against your Stomach And therefore Kiss me again Lady B. Nay now you fool me Sir Iohn Do 't I say Lady B. Aside Ah Lord have mercy upon me Well There Now will you go Sir Iohn Now Wife you shall see my Gratitude You give me two Kisses I 'll give you two Hundred Kisses and tumbles her Lady B. O Lord Pray Sir Iohn be quiet Heavens what a Pickle am I in Bell Aside If I were in her Pickle I 'd call my Gallant out of the â—oset and he shou'd Cudgel him soundly Sir Iohn So Now you being as dirty and as nasty as my self We may go Pig together But first I must have a Cup of your Cold Tea Wife Going to the Closet Lady B. O I 'm ruin'd 〈…〉 there my Dear 〈◊〉 I 'll warrant you I 'll find some my Dear 〈…〉 Open the Door the Lock 's spoil'd I have been 〈…〉 the Key this half hour to no purpose I 'll send for 〈…〉 Morrow Sir Iohn There 's ne'er a Smith in Europe can Open a Door with more Expedition than I can do As for Example Pou. He bursts Open the Door with his foot How now What the Devil have we got here Constant Heartfree And two VVhores again I gad This is the worst Cold Tea that ever I met with in my Life Enter Constant and Heartfree Lady B. aside O Lord what will become of us Sir Iohn Gentlemen I am your very humble Servant I give you many Thanks I see you take Care of my Family I shall do all I can to return the Obligation Const. Sir how odly soever this Business may appear to you you wou'd have no Cause to be uneasie if you knew the Truth of all things your Lady is the most virtuous Woman in the World and nothing has past but an Innocent Frolick Heart Nothing else upon my Honour Sir Sir Iohn You are both very Civil Gentlemen And my Wife there is a very Civil Gentlewoman therefore I don't doubt but many Civil things have past between you Your very humble Servant L. B. Aside to Const. Pray be gone He 's so drunk he can't hurt us to Night and to Morrow Morning you shall hear from us Const. I 'll Obey you Madam Sir when you are Cool you 'll understand Reason better So then I shall take the Pains to Inform you If not I wear a Sword Sir and so good-b'uy to you Come along Heartfree Sir Iohn Wear a Sword Sir And what of all that Sir He comes to my House Eats my Meat Lies with my Wife Dishonours my Family Gets a Bastard to Inherit my Estate And when I ask a Civil Account of all this Sir says he I wear a Sword Wear a Sword Sir Yes Sir says he I wear a Sword It may be a good Answer at Cross-Purposes But 't is a Damn'd One to a Man in my Whimsical Circumstance Sir says he I wear a Sword To Lady B. And what do you wear now ha tell me Sitting down in a great Chair What you are Modest and cant Why then I 'll tell you you Slut you You wear an Impudent Lewd Face A Damn'd Designing Heart And a Tail and a Tail full of He falls fast asleep snoaring Lady B. So Thanks to Kind Heaven he 's fast for some Hours Bell. 'T is well he is so that we may have time to lay our Story handsomly for we must Lie like the Devil to bring our selves off Lady B. What shall we say Bellinda Bell. Musing I 'll tell you It must all light upon Heartfree and I. We 'll say he has Courted me some time but for Reasons unknown to us has ever been very earnest the thing might be kept from Sir Iohn That therefore hearing him upon the Stairs he run into the Closet tho' against our Will and Constant with him to prevent Jealousie And to give this a good Impudent face of Truth that I may deliver you from the Trouble you