Gods and Goddesses into a fit of Laughter like any microcosm of Flyes and even set limping Vulcan a hopping and jumping smoothly three or four times for the sake of his Dear Come come said Jupiter to Mercury run down immediately and cast at the poor Fellow's feet three Hatchets his own another of Gold and a third of Massy Silver all of one size Then having left it to his will to take his choice if he take his own and be satisfyed with it give him t'other two If he take another chop his head off with his own and henceforth serve me all those losers of hatchets after that manner Having said this Jupiter with an awkward turn of his head like a Jackanapes swallowing of Pills made so dreadful a phyz that all the Vast Olympus quak'd again Heaven's Foot-Messenger thanks to his low crown'd narrow brim'd Hat and plume of Feathers Heel-pieces and running Stick with Pidgeon Wings flings himself out at Heavens wicket thro the idle Desarts of the Air and in a trice nimbly alights upon the Earth and throws at Friend Tom's feet the three Hatchets saying to him thâ—â— hast bawâ—'d long enough to be a dry thy Prayers and request are granted by Jupiter see which of these three is thy Hatchet and take it away with thee Wellhung lifts up the Goulden Hatchet peeps upon it and finds it very heavy then sâ—aring on Mercury cryes Cods â—oâ—ks this is none of mine I won't ha't The same he did with the Silver one and said 't is not this neither you may e'en take them again At last he takes up his own Hatchet examines the end of the Helve and finds his mark there then ravisht with Joy like a Fox that meets some straggling Poultry and sneering from the tip of the nose he cryed by the mass This is my Hatchet Master God if you will leave it me I will sacrifice to you a very good and huge pot of Milk brim full cover'd with fine Strawberryes next Ides of May. Honest Fellow said Mercury I leave it thee take it and because thou hast wiâ—hâ— and chosen moderately in â—â—int of Hatchet by Jupiter's comâ—d I give thee these two others 〈◊〉 hast now wherewith to make thy self rich Be honest Honest Tom gâ—ve Mercury a whole Cartload of Thanks and rever'd the most great Jupiter His old Hatchet he fastens câ—â—se to his Leathern girdle and girds it above his Breech like Martin of Cambray The two others being more heavy he lays on his Shoulder Thus he plods on trudging over the Fields keeping a good countenance amongst his Neighbours and follow Parishioners with one merry saying or other after Patelin's way The next day having put on a clean white Jacket he takes on his back the two precious Hatchets and comes to Chinon the famous City noble City ancient City yea the first City in the World according to the Judgment and assertion of the most learned Massoreths At Chinon he turned his silver Hatchet into fine Testons Crown pieces and other white Cash his golden Hatchet into fine Angels curious Ducats substantial Ridders Spankâ—rs and Râ—sâ— Nobleâ— Then with them purchases a good Number of Farms Barns Houses Out-houses Thatch-Houses Stables Meadows Orchards Fields Vineyards Woods arable Lands Pastures Ponds Mills Gardens Nurseries Oxen Cows Sheep Goats Swine Hogs Asses Horses Hens Cocks Capons Chickens Geese Ganders Ducks Drakes and a World of all other necessaries and in a shâ—rt time became the richest Man in the Country nay even richer than that limping Sâ—rapegood Maulevrier His Brother Bumpkins and the Yeomen and other Country-Puts thereabouts perceiving his good Fortune were not a little amaz'd insomuch that their former pity of poor Tom was soon chang'd into an Envy of his so great and unexpected Rise and as they could not for their Souls devise how this came about they made it their Business to pry up and down and lay their Heads together to inquire seek and inform themselves by what means in what place on what day what hour how why and wherefore he had come by this great Treasure At last hearing it was by Losing his Hatchet ha ha said they was there no more to do but to lose a Hatchet to make us rich Mum for that 't is as easie as pissing a Bed and will cost but little are then at this time the Revolutions of the Heavens the Constellations of the Firmament and Aspects of the Planets such that whosoever shall lose a Hatchet shall immediately grow rich ha ha ha by Jove you shall e'en be lost an 't please you my dear Hatchet With this they all fairly lost their Hatchets out of hand The Devil of one that had a Hatchet left he was not his Mother's Son that did not lose his Hatchet No more was Wood fell'd or cleav'd in that Country thro want of Hatchets Nay the Aesopian Apologue even saith that certain petty Country Gents of the lower Class who had sold Wellhung their little Mill and little Field to have wherewithal to make a Figure at the next Muster having been told that this Treasure was come to him by that only means sold the only Badge of their Gentility their Swords to purchase Hatchets to go lose them as the silly Clodpates did in hopes to gâ—i◠〈◊〉 of Câ—iâ—k by that â—â—ss You would have truly sworn they had 〈◊〉 a parcel of your petty spiritual â—â—â—rers Pâ—â—e-lâ—â—nd selling their All and borrowing of others to buy store of Mandates a Pennyworth of a New made Pope Now they cry'd out and â—ray'd and pâ—aâ—'d and â—awâ—'d and lamented and 〈◊〉 Jupiter my Hatchet my Hatchet Jupiter my Hatchet on this â—â—de my Hatchet on that side my Hatchet hâ— hâ— ho ho Jupiter my Hatchet The Air round about râ—ng again with the Crys and Howlings of these rascally Losers of Hatchets Mercury was nimble in bringing them Hatchets to each offering that which he had lost another of Gold and a third of Silver Every He still was for that of Gold giving Thanks in abundance to the great Giver Jupiter but in the very nick of time that they bow'd and stoop'd to take it from the ground whip in a trice Mercury â—â—pp'd ofâ— their heads as Jupiter had commanded and of Heads thus cut off the number was just equal to that of the lost Hatchets You see how it is now you see how it goes with those who in the simplicity of their hearts wish and desire with Moderation Take warning by this all you greedy fresh-water Shirks who scorn to wish for any thing under Ten Thousand Pounds And do not fâ—r the future run on impudently as I have sâ—metimes heard you wishing Would to God I had now one hundred seventy eight Millions of Gold Oh! how I should tickle it off The Dewse on you what more might a King an Emperor or a Pope wish for For that reason indeed you see that after you have made such hopeful wishes all the good that comes to you of it is the Itch or
Thinking they might be related to the Catchpole that was bastinado'd We ask'd them the occasion of their grief They reply'd That they had too much cause to weep for that very hour from an exalted Triple Tree two of the honestest Gentlemen in Catchpoleland had been made to cut a Caper on nothing Cut a Caper on nothing said Gymnast my Pages use to cut Capers on the Ground to cut a Caper on nothing should be hanging and choaking or I am out Ay ay said Fryar Jhon you speak of it like St. John de la Palisse We ask'd them why they treated those worthy Persons with such a choaking Hempen Sallat They told us they had only borrow'd alias stol'n the Tools of the Mass and hid them under the handle of the Parish This is a very Allegorical way of speaking said Epistemon CHAP. XVII How Pantagruel came to the Island of Tohu and Bohu and of the strange death of Widenostrils the Swallower of Windmills THAT day Pantagruel came to the two Islands of Tohu and Bohu where the Devill a bit we could find any thing to fry with For one Widenostrils a huge Giant had swallowed every individual Pan Skillet Kettle frying-Pan dripping-Pan and Brass and Iron Pot in the Land for want of Windmils which were his daily food Whence it happen'd that somewhat before Day about the hour of his digestion the greedy Churle was taken very ill with a kind of a Surfeit or Crudity of stomach occasion'd as the Physicians said by the weakness of the concocting faculty of his stomach naturally dispos'd to digest whole Windmils at a gust yet unable to consume perfectly the Pans and Skillets though it had indeed pretty well digested the Kettles and Pots as they said they knâ—w by the Hypostases and Encoresmes of four Tubs of second hand Drink which he had evacuated at two different times that morning They made use of diverse remedies according to art to give him ease But all would not do the Distemper prevail'd over the remedies in so much that the famous Widenostrils dy'd that morning of so strange a death that I think you ought no longer to wonder at that of the Poet Aeschylus's It had been foretold him by the Sooth-sayers that he would dye on a certain Day by the ruin of something that should fall on him that fatal day being come in its Turn he remov'd himself out of Town far from all Houses Trees or any other things that can fall and indanger by their ruin and stay'd in a large field trusting himself to the open Sky there very secure as he thought unless indeed the Sky should happen to fall which he held to be impossible Yet they say that the Larks are much afraid of it for if it should fall they must all be taken The Celix that once liv'd near the Rhine they are our noble valiant French in ancient times were also afraid of the Sky's falling for being ask'd by Alexander the great what they fear'd most in this World hoping well they would say that they fear'd none but him considering his great Atchievements they made answer That they fear'd nothing but the Sky's falling however not refusing to enter into a confederacy with so brave a King If you believe Strabo Lib. 7. and Arrian Lib. 1. Plutarch also in his book of the Face that appears on the body of the Moon speaks of one Phoenaces who very much fear'd the Moon should fall on Earth and pity'd those that live under that Planet as the Aethiopians and Taprobanians if so heavy a Mass ever happened to fall on them and would have fear'd the like of Heaven and Earth had they not been duely propt up and born by the Atlantic Pillars as the ancients believ'd according to Aristotles testimony Lib. 5. Metaphis Notwithstanding all this poor Aeschylus was kill'd by the fall of the shell of a Tortoise which falling from betwixt the Claws of an Eagle high in the Air just on his head dash'd out his brains Neither ought you to wonder at the death of another Poet I mean old Jolly Anacreon who was choak'd with a grape-stone nor at that of Fabius the Roman Praetor who was smothered with a single Goat's-hair as he was supping up a porringer of Milk Nor at the death of that bashfull Fool who by holding in his Wind and for want of letting out a Bumgunshot dy'd suddenly in the presence of the Emperor Claudius Nor at that of the Italian buried on the Via Flaminia at Rome who in his Epitaph complains that the bite of a she-Puss on his little Finger was the cause of his death Nor of that of Q. Lecanius Bassus who dyed suddenly of so small a prick with a needle on his left thumb that it could hardly be descern'd Nor of Quenelault a Norman Physician who dy'd suddenly at Montpellier meerely for having sideways took a worm out of his hand with a Pen-knife Nor of Philomenes whose Servant having got him some new Figs for the first course of his dinner whilst he went to fetch wine a straggling welhung Ass got into the House and seeing the figs on the Table without further invitation soberly fell to Philomenes coming into the Room and nicely observing with what gravity the Ass eat its Dinner said to his Man who was come back since thou hast set figs here for this reverent Guest of ours to eat methinks it 's but reason thou also give him some of this Wine to drink He had no sooner said this but he was so excessively pleased and fell into so exorbitant a fit of Laughter that the use of his spleen took that of his breath utterly away and he immediately dy'd Nor of Spurius Saufeius who dy'd supping up a soft Egg as he came out of a bath Nor of him who as Boccace tells us dy'd suddenly by picking his grinders with a Sage-stalk Nor of Philipot Placut who being brisk and hale fell dead as he was paying and old debt which causes perhaps many not to pay theirs for fear of the like accident Nor of the Painter Zeuxis who kill'd himself with laughing at the sight of the Antick Jobbernol of an old hagg drawn by him Nor in short of a thousand more of which Authors write as Verrius Pliny Valerius J. Baptista Fulgosius and Bacabery the elder In short Gaffer Widenostrils choak'd himself with eating a huge lump of fresh Butter at the mouth of a hot Oven by the advice of Physicians They likewise told us there that the King of Cullan in Bohu had routed the Grandees of King Mecloth and made sad work with the Fortresses of Belima After this we sail'd by the Islands of Nargues and Zargues also by the Islands of Teleniabin and Geneliabin very fine and fruitful in Ingredients for Clysters and then by the islands of â—nig and Evig on whose account formerly the Landgrave of Hesse was swindg'd off with a vengeance CHAP. XVIII How Pantagruel met with a great Storm at Sea THe next day we espied
touch me with his little Finger here betwixt the Legs and has spoyl'd me for ever Oh! I am a dead Woman I shall never be my self again do but see nay and besides he talk'd of going to the Smiths to have his Pounces sharpen'd and pointed Alas you are undone Mr. Devil good Sir scamper quickâ—y I am sure he won't stay save your self I beseech you While she said this she uncover'd her self up to the Chin after the manner in which the Persian Women met their Children who fled from the fight and plainly shew'd her What de' e call them The frighted Devil seeing the enormous Solution of the Continuity in all its dimensions blest himself cry'd out Mahon Demiourgon Megaera Alecto Persephone s'Life catch me here when he comes I am gon s'Death what a gash I resign him the Field Having heard the Catastrophe of the Story we retired a ship-board not being willing to stay there any longer Pantagruel gave to the Poors-Box of the Fabrick of the Church eighteen thousand gold Royals in commiseration of the Poverty of the People and the Calamity of the place CHAP. XLVIII How Pantagruel went ashoar at the Island of Papimany HAving left the desolate Island of the Popefigs we sailed for the space of a day very fairly and merrily and made the blessed Island of Papimany As soon as we had dropt Anchor in the Road before we had well-moor'd our Ship with ground Tackle four Persons in different Garbs row'd towards us in a Skiff One of them was dress'd like a Monk in his Frock draggle-tail'd and Booted The other like a Falkoner with a Lure and a long-wing'd Hawk on his Fist the third like a Sollicitor with a large Bag full of Informations Subpoena's Breviates Billâ— Writs Cases and other Implements of Pettifogging The fourth look'd like one of your Vine Barbers about Orleans with a â—anâ—â—e pair of Canvass Trowzers a Dosser and a Pruning Knife at his Girdle As soon as the Boat had clap'd them on Board they all with one Voice ask'd Have you seen him good Passengers have you seen him Who ask'd Pantagruel You know who answer'd they Who is it ask'd Fryar Jhon 'sblood and â—onds I 'll thrash him thick and threefold This he said thinking that they enquir'd after some Robber Murtherer or Church-breaker Oh wonderful cry'd the four do not you foreign People know the One Sirs reply'd Epistemon we do not understand those Terms but if you will be pleas'd to let us know who you mean we 'll tell you the truth of the matter without any more ado We mean said they he that is did you ever see him He that is return'd Pantagruel according to our Theological Doctrine is God who said to Moses I am that I am We never saw him nor can he be beheld by Mortal Eyes We meant nothing less than that supream God who rules in Heaven reply'd they we spoke of the God on Earth did you ever see him Upon my Honour cry'd Carpalim they mean the Pope Ay ay answer'd Panurge yea verily Gentlemen I have seen three of them whose sight has not much better'd me How cryâ—d they our Sacred Decretaâ—s inform us that there never is more than one living I mean successively one after the other return'd Panurge otherwise I never saw more than one at a time O thrice and four times happy People cry'd they you are welcom and more than double-welcom They then kneel'd down before us and would have kiss'd our Feet but we would not suffer it telling them that should the Pope come thither in his own Person 't is all they could do to him No certainly answer'd they for we have already resolv'd upon the matter We would kiss his bare Arse without boggling at it and eke his two Pounders for he has a pair of them the Holy Father that he has we find it so by our fine Decretals otherwise he could not be Pope So that according to our subtile Decretalin Philosophy this is a necessary Consequence he is Pope therefore he has Genitories and should Genitories no more be found in the World the World could no more have a Pope While they were talking thus Pantagruel enquir'd of one of their Coxswain's Crew who those Persons were he answer'd that they were the four Estates of the Island and added that we should be made as welcom as Princes since we had seen the Pope Panurge having been acquainted with this by Pantagruel said to him in his Ear I swear and vow Sir 't is even so he that has patience may compass any thing Seeing the Pope had done us no good now in the Devil's name 't will do us a great deal We then went ashoar and the whole Country Men Women and Children came to meet us as in a solemn Procession Our four Estates cry'd out to them with a loud voice they have seen him they have seen him they have seen him That Proclamation being made all the Mob kneeled down before us lifting up their Hands towards Heaven and crying O happy Men O most happy And this Acclamation lasted above a quarter of an hour Then came the Busby of the place with all his Pedagogues Usher's and School boys whom he Magisterially flogg'd as they us'd to whip Children in our Country formerly when some Criminal was hang'd that they might remember it This displeas'd Pantagruel who said to them Gentlemen if you do not leave off whipping these poor Children I 'm gone The People were amaz'd hear his Stentorean voice and I saw a little Hump with long Fingers say to the Hypodidascal what In the name of Wonder do all those that see the Pope grow as tall as yon â—â—ge Fellow that threatens us Ah! How I shall think time long till I have seen him too that I may grow and look as big In short the Acclamations were so great that Hâ—menas so they call their Bishop hasten'd thiâ—her on an unbridled Mule with green Trappings attended by his Aposts as they â—aid and his Supposts or Officers bearing Crosses Banners Standards Canopies Torches Holy-water pots c. He too wanted to kiss our Feet as the good Christian Vaâ—sinter did to Pope Clement saying that one of their â—â—â—othâ—tes that 's one of the Scavengers Scowrers and Commentators of their Holy Decretals had written that in the same manner as the Messiah so long and so much expected by the Jews at last appear'd among them so on some happy day of God the Pope would come into that Island and that while they waited for that blessed time if any who had seen him at Rome or elsewhere chanc'd to come among them they should be sure to make much of them feast them plentifully and Treat them with a great deal of Reverence However we civilly desir'd to be excus'd CHAP. XLIX How Homenas Bishop of Papimany shew'd us the Uranopet Decretals HOmenas then said to us 'T is enjoyn'd us by our Holy Decretals to visit Churches first and Taverns after Therefore not to decline
purple Liveries had been given to all of us in the Morning contriv'd a merry Mask with store of Cockle-shells shells of Snails Periwinkles and such other Then for want of Cuckoe-pint or Priest-pintle Lousebur Clote and Paper we made our selves false Faces with the Leaves of an old Sextum that had been thrown by and lay there for any one that would take it up cutting out holes for the Eyes Nose and Mouth Now did you ever hear the like since you were born when we had play'd our little Boyish Antick Tricks and came to take off our sham-faces we appear'd more hideous and ugly than the little Devils that acted the Passion at Douay For our Faces were utterly spoyl'd at the places which had been touch'd by those â—eaves one had there the Small Pox another God's Token or the Plague spot a third the Crinckums a fourth the Measles a fifth Botches Pushes and Carbuncles in short he came off the least hurt who only lost his Teeth by the bâ—rgain Miracle bawl'd out Homenas Miracâ—e Hold hold cry'd Rhizotome 't is n't yet time to clap my Sister Kate and my Sister Râ—n had put the Crepines of their Hoods their Ruffles Snoffekins and Neck-Ruffs row wash'd starch'd and iron'd into that very Book of Decretals for you must know it was cover'd with thick Boards and had strong Clasps now by the virtue of God Hold interrupted Homenas what God do you mean There is but one answer'd Rhizotome In Heaven I grant reply'd Homenas but we have another here on Earth d' ye see Ay marry have we said Rhizotome but on my Soul I protest I had quite forgot it well then by the virtue of God the Pope their Pinners Neck-ruffs Bibs Coifs and other Linnen turn'd as black as a Char-coalman's Sack Miracle cry'd Homenas Here Clerica light me here and pr'ythee Girl observe these rare Stories How comes it to pass then ask'd Fryar Jhon that People say Ever since Decrees had Tails And Gens-d ' Arms lugg'd heavy Mails Since each Monk would have a Horse All went here from bad to worse Depuis que Decrets eurent Ales Et Gens-d'Armes porterent Males Moines allerent à Cheval En ce monde abonda à tout mal I understand you answer'd Homenas this is one of the quirks and little satires of the new fangl'd Hereticks CHAP. LIII How by the Virtue of the Decretals Gold is subtilly drawn out of France to Rome I would said Epistemon it had cost me a a pint of the best Tripe that ever can enter into Gut so we had but compar'd with the Original the dreadful Chapters Execrabilis De multa Si plures De Annatis per totum Nisi essent Cum ad Monasterium Quod dilectio Mandatum and certain others that draw every year out of France to Rome four hundred thousand Ducats and more Do you make nothing of this ask'd Homenas Tho' methinks after all 't is but little if we consider that France the most Christian is the only Nurse the See of Rome has However find me in the whole World a Book whether of Philosophy Physic Law Mathematicks or other humane Learning nay even by my God of the Holy Scripture it self that will draw as much Money thence None none pshaw tush blurt pish none can You may look till your Eyes drop out of your Head nay till Dooms-day in the afternoon before you can find another of that Energy I 'll pass my word for that Yet these Devillish Heretics refuse to learn and know it Burn 'em tear 'em nip 'em with hot Pincers drown 'em hang 'em spit 'em at the Bung-hole pelt 'em paut 'em bruise 'em beat 'em cripple 'em dismember 'em cut 'm gut 'em bowell 'em paunch 'em thrash 'em slash 'em gash 'em chop 'em slice 'em slit 'em carve 'em saw 'em bethwack em pare 'em hack 'em hew 'em mince 'em flea 'em boyl 'em broyl 'em roast 'em toast 'em bake 'em fry 'em crucifie 'em crush 'em squeeze 'em grind 'em batter 'em burst 'em quarter 'em unlimb 'em bebump 'em bethump 'em belam me'em belabour 'em pepper 'em spitchcock 'em and carbonade 'em on Grind irons these wicked Heretics Decretalifuges Decretalicides worse than Homicides worse than Patricides Decretalictones of the Devil of Hell As for you other good People I most earnestly pray and beseech you to believe no other thing think on say undertake or do no other thing than what 's contain'd in our Sacred Decretals and their Corollaries this fine Sextum these fine Clementinae these fine Extravagantes O Deific Books So shall you enjoy Glory Honour Exaltation Wealth Dignities and Preferments in this World be rever'd and dreaded by all preferr'd Elected and Chosen above all Men. For there is not under the Cope of Heaven a condition of Men out of which you 'll find Persons fitter to do and handle all things than those who by Divine Prescience Eternal Predestination have applied themselves to the Study of the Holy Decretals Would you chuse a worthy Emperor a good Captain a fit General in time of War one that can well foresee all inconveniencies avoid all dangers briskly and bravely bring his Men on to a Breach or Attack still be on sure grounds always overcome without loss of his Men and know how to make a good use of his Victory Take me a Decreâ—ist No no I mean a Decretalist Ho the foul Blunder whisper'd Epistemon Would you in time of Peace find a Man capable of wisely governing the State of a Commonwealh of a Kingdom of a Empire of a Monarchy sufficient to maintain the Clergy Nobility Senate and Commonâ— in Wealth Friendship Unity Obedience Virtue and Honesty Take a Decretalist Would you find a Man who by his exemplary Life Eloquence and pious Admonitions may in a short time without effusion of humane blood Conquer the Holy Land and bring over to the Holy Church the misbelieving Turks Jews Tartars Muscovites Mammelus and Sarrabonites Take me a Decretalist What makes in many Countries the People Rebellious and deprav'd Pages sawcy and mischievous Students sottish and duncical Nothing but that their Governours Esquires and Tutors were not Decretalists But what on your Conscience was it d' ye think that establish'd confirm'd and authoris'd these fine Religious Orders with whom you see the Christian World every where adorn'd grac'd and illustrated as the Firmament is with its glorious Stars The Holy Decretals What was it that founded underpropt and fix'd and now maintains nourishes and feeds the devout Monks and Fryars in Convents Monasteriâ—s and Abbeys so that did they not daily and mightily pray without ceasing the World would be in evident danger of returning to its Primitive 〈◊〉 The Sacred Decretals What 〈…〉 the famous and celebrated Patrimony of St. Peter in plenty of all Temporal Corporeal and Spiritual Blessings The Holy Decretals What made the Holy Apostolick See and Pope of Rome in all times and at this present so dreadful in the Universe that
against the Fates and the Fates were contradictory In short the End and Result of the matter was that to reconcile two contradictions was an impossibility in Nature The very Pang put you into a sweat same Drops of which happ'ning to light on the Earth produced what the Mortals call Collyflowers All our Noble Consistory for want of a Categorical Solution were seiz'd with such a horrid Thirst that above seventy eight Hogsheads of Nectar were swill'd down at that sitting At last you took my advice and transmogriphy'd 'em into Stones and immediately got rid of your Perplexity and a Truce with Thirst was proclaim'd thro' this vast Olympus This was the Year of flabby Cods near Teumessus between Thebes and Chalcis After this manner 't is my Opinion that you should petrify this Dog and this Fox The Metamorphosis will not be incongruous For they both bear the name of Peter And because according to the Lymosin Proverb To make an Oven's Mouth there must be three Stones you may associate them with Master Peter du Coignet whom you formerly petrified for the same Cause Then those three dead Pieces shall be put in an equilateral Trigone somewhere in the great Temple at Paris in the middle of the Porch if you will there to perform the Office of Extinguishers and with their Noses put out the lighted Candles Torches Tapers and Flambeaux since while they liv'd they still lighted ballock-like the Fire of Faction Division Ballock Seâ—ls and wrangling among those idle â—eardedâ—Boys the Students And this will be an everlasting Monument to show that those pâ—ny self-conceited Pedants Ballock framers were rather contemn'd than condemn'd by you Dixi I have said my Say You deal too kindly by them said Jupiter for ought I see Monsieur Priapus You don't use to be so kind to every Body let me tell you For as they seek to eternize their names it would be much better for them to be thus chang'd into hard stones than to return to Earth and putrefaction But now to other Matters Yonder behind us towards the Tuscan Sea and the Neighbourhood of Mount Appennin do you see what tragedies are stir'd up by certain topping Ecclesiastical Bullies This hot â—it will last its time like the Limosins ovens and then will be cool'd but not so fast We shall have sport enough with it but I foresee one inconveniency for me thinks we have but little store of Thunder-Ammunition since the time that you my Fellow Gods for your Pastime lavish'd them away to bombard New Antioch by my particular permission as since after your example the stout Champions who had undertaken to hold the Fortress of Dindenarois against all Comers fairly wasted their Powder with shooting at Sparrows and then not having wherewith to defend themselves in time of need valiantly surrendred to the Enemy who were already packing up their Awls full of madness and despair and thought on nothing but a shameful Retreat Take care this be remedied Son Vulcan Rouse up your drowsy Cyclopes Asteropes Brontes Arges Polyphemus Steropes Pyracmon and so forth set them at work and make them drink as they ought Never spare liquor to such as are at hot work Now let us dispatch this bawling fellow below you Mercury go see who it is And know what he wants Mercury lookt out at heaven's trap door through which as I am told they hear what 's said here below by the way one might well enough mistake it for the scuttle of a Ship tho Icaromenippus said it was like the mouth of a Well The light-heel'd Deity saw that it 〈◊〉 was honest Tom who askt for his lost Hatchet and accordingly he made his report to the Synod By Jove said Jupiter we are finely hop'd up as if we had now nothing else to do here but to restore lost hatchets Well he must then have it for all this for so 't is written in the Book of Fate Do you hear as well as if it was worth the whole Dutchy of Milan The truth is the fellow's Hatchet is as much to him as a Kingdom to a King Come come let no more words be scattered about it let him have his Hatchet again Now Let us make an end of the difference betwixt the Levites and Mole-catcher of Landerousse Whereabouts were we Priapus was standing in the chimney corner and having heard what Mercury had reported said in a most courteous and Jovial manner King Jupiter while by your order and particular favour I was Garden-keeper general on Earth I observed that this Word Hatchet is equivocal to many things For it signifies a certain instrument by the means of which Men fell and cleave Timber It also signifies at least I am sure it did formerly a Female soundly and frequently Thumpthumpriggletickletwiddletoby'd thus I perceiv'd that every Cock of the game us'd to call his Doxie his Hatchet for with that same Toâ—â— this he said lugging out and exhibiting his nine inch Knocker they so strongly and resolutely shove and drive in their hâ—lves that the Females remain free from a fear Epidemical amongst their Sex viz. that from the bottom of the Male's Belly the said Instrument should dangle at his heel for want of such Feminine props And I remember for I have a Member and a Memory too â—y and a fine Memory large enough to fill a butter Firkin I remember I say that one day of â—ubilustre â—orn Fair at the Festivals of Good-man Vâ—lcan in May I heard Josquin Deâ— prez Olkegan Hobreths Agricola Bruâ—â—el Camelin Vigoris dela Fage Bruyer Prioris Seguin dela Rue Midy Mouâ—u Mouton Gascoigne Loiseâ— Compere Penet Fevin Rouseâ— Richard Fort Rousseau Consilion Constantio Festi Jacquet and Bercan melodiously singing the following Catch on a pleasant green Long John to bed went to his bride And laid a Mallet by his sidâ— What means this Mallet John saith she Why 't is to wedge thee home quoth he Alas Cryed she the Man 's a Fool What need you use a wooden Tool When Lusty John dos to me come He never shoves but with his Bum. Nine Olympiads and an Intercalary year after I have a rare member I would say memory but I often make Blunders in the symbolisation and colligance of those two words I heard Adrian Viellard Gombert Janequin Arcader Claudin Certon Machicourt Auxerre Villiers Sandrin Sohier Hesdin Morales Passereau Maille Maillart Jacotin Hurteur Verdelot Carpentras l' Heriner Cadeac Doublet Vermunt Bouteiller Lupi Pagnier Millet Du Mollin Alaire Maraut Morpin Gendre and other merry lovers of Musick in a private Garden under some fine shady trees round about a Bulwark of Flaggons Gammons Pasty's with several Coated Quails and lac'd Mutton waggishly singing Since Tools without their hasts are useless Lumber And Hatchets without helves are of that Number That one may go in t'other and may match it I 'l be the helve and thou shalt be the Hatchet Now would I know what kind of Hatchet this Bawling Tom wants This threw all the Venerable
Tumblers my Feet stand higher than my Head Would to Heaven I were now with those good holy Fathers bound for the Council whom we met this morning so Godly so Fat so Merry so Plump and Comely Holos holos holas alas alas This Devilish wave mea culpa Deus I mean this wave of God will sink our Vessel Alas Fryar Jhon my Father my Friend Confession here I am down on my Knees Confiteor your holy Blessing Come hither and be damn'd thou pitiful Devil and help us said Fryar Jhon who fell a swearing and cursing like a Tinker in the name of thirty Legions of black Devils come will you come Don't let us swear at this time said Panurge Holy Father my Friend don't swear I beseech you to morrow aâ— much as you please Holos holos alas our Ship leaks I drown alas alas I will give eighteen hundred thousand Crowns to any one that will set me on shoar all beray'd and bedawb'd as I am now if ever there was a Man in my Country in the like pickle Confiteor alas a word or two of Testament or Codicil at least A thousand Devils seize the Cuckoldy Cow-hearted Mungril cry'd Fryar Jhon Ods Belly art thou talking here of making thy Will now we are in danger and it behoveth us to bestir our stumps lustily or never Wilt thou come ho Devil Midship-man my Friend O the rare Lieutenant here Gymnast here on the Poop We are by the Mass all beshit now our Light is out This is hastening to the Devil as fast as it can Alas bou bou bou bou bou alas alas alas alas said Panurge was it here we were born to perish Oh! hoh Good People I drown I die Consummatum est I am sped Magna gna gna said Fryar Jhon Fye upon him how ugly the shitten howler looks Boy Younker see hoyh Mind the Pumps or the Devil choak thee Hast thou hurt thy self Zoons here fasten it to one of these Blocks On this side in the Devil's name hay so my Boy Ah Fryar Jhon said Panurge good Ghostly Father dear Friend don't let us swear you sin Oh ho Oh ho be be be bous bous bhous I sink I die my Friends I die in Charity with all the World Farewell In manus Bohous bhous bhousowwauwaus St. Michael of Aure St. Nicholas now now or never I here make you a solemn Vow and to our Saviour that if you stand by me but this time I mean if you set me ashoar out of this danger I will build you a fine large little Chappel or two between Cande and Monsoreau where neither Cow nor Calf shall feed Oh ho Oh ho. Above eighteen Palefuls or two of it are got down my Gullet bous bhous bhous bhous how damn'd bitter and Salt it is By the virtue said Fryar Jhon of the Blood the Flesh the Belly the Head if I hear thee again howling thou Cuckoldly Cur I 'll maul thee worse than any Sea Wolf Ods fish why don't we take him up by the Lugs and throw him over board to the bottom of the Sea Here Sailer ho honest fellow Thus thus my Friend hold fast above In truth here is a sad Lightning and Thundering I think that all the Devils are got loose 't is Holy-day with 'em or else Madam Proserpine is in Child's labour all the Devils dance a Morrice CHAP. XX. How the Pilots were forsaking their Ships in the greatest stress of Weather OH said Panurge you sin Fryar Jhon my former Crony former I say for at this time I am no more you are no more It goes against my Heart to tell it you for I believe this swearing doth your spleen a great deal of good as it is a great ease to a Wood-Cleaver to cry hem at every blow and as one who plays at Nine Pins is wonderfully help'd if when he hath not thrown his Bowl right and is like to make a bad cast some ingenious stander-by leans and screws his Body half way about on that side which the Bowl should have took to hit the Pins Nevertheless you offend my sweet Friend But what do you think of eating some kind of Cabirotadoes Wouldn't this secure us from this Storm I have read that the Ministers of the Gods Cabiri so much celebrated by Orpheus Appollonius Pherecides Strabo Pausanias and Herodotus were always secure in time of Storm He doats he raves the poor Devil said Fryar Jhon A thousand a million nay a hundred millions of Devils seize the hornify'd Doddipole Lend's a Hand here hoh Tiger wouldst thou Here on the Sturboard side Ods me thou Buffolo's-Head stuffed with Relicks what Ape 's Pater Noster art thou muttering and chattering here between thy Teeth That Devil of a Sea Calf is the cause of all this Storm and is the only Man who doth not lend a helping Hand By G if I come near thee I 'll fetch thee out by the Head and Ears with a vengeance and chastise thee like any Tempestative Devil Here Mâ—â—e my Lad hold fast till I have made a double knot O' brave Boy Would to Heaven thou wert Abbot of Talemouze and that he that is were Guardian of Croullay Hold Brother Ponocrates you will hurt your self Man Epistemon pr'ythee stand off out of the Hatch-way Methinks I saw the Thunder fall there but just now Con the Ship so ho Mind your Steerage Well said thus thus steady keep her thus get the Long Boat clear Steady Ods fish the Beakhead is stav'd to pieces Grumble Devils â—arâ— belch shite a T d o' the Wave If this be Weather the Devil 's a Ram. Nay by G a little more would have wash'd me clear away into the Current I think all the Legions of Devils hold here their Provincial Chapter or are Polling Canvasing and Wrangling for the Election of a new Rector Starboard well said Take heed have a care of your Noddle Lad in the Devil's Name So ho Starboard Starboard Be be be bous bous bous cry'd Panurge bous bous be be be bous bous I am lost I see neither Heaven nor Earth of the four Elements we have here only Fire and Water left Bou bou bou bous bous bous Would it were the pleasure of the worthy Divine Bounty that I were at this present hour in the Close at Sevillé or at Innocent's the Pastry-Cook over against the painted Wine-Vault at Chinon though I were to strip to my Doublet And bake the petty Pasties my self Honest Man could not you throw me ashoar you can do a World of good things they say I give you all Salmigondinois and my large Shore full of Whilks Cockles and Periwinkles if by your industry I ever set Foot on firm ground Alas alas I drown Hark'ee my Friends since we cannot get safe into Port let us come to an Anchor into some Road no matter whither Drop all your Anchors let us be out of danger I beseech you Here honest Tar get you into the Chains and heave the Lead an'â— please you Let
Tyrant Nero alter'd saying While I live as Suetonius affirms it This detestable saying of which Cicero lib. 3. de finib and Seneca lib. 2. de Clementia make mention is ascrib'd to the Emperour Tiberius by Dion Nicaus and Suidas CHAP. XXVII Pantagruel's Discourse of the Decease of Heroic Souls and of the dreadful Prodigies that happen'd before the Death of the late Lord de Langey I Would not continu'd Pantagruel have miss'd the Storm that hath thus disorder'd us were I also to have miss'd the relation of these thing told us by this good Macrobius Neither am â— unwilling to believe what he said of a Coâ—â— that appears in the Sky some days before such a Decease For some of those Souls are so Noble so Pretious and so Heroic that Heaven gives us notice of their departing some days before it happens And as a Prudent Physician seeing by some Symptoms that his Patient draws towards his end some days before gives notice of it to his Wife Children Kindred and Friends that in that little time he hath yet to live they may admonish him to settle all things in his Family to tutor and instruct his Children as much as he can recommend his Relict to his Friends in her Widowhood declare what he knows to be necessary about a Provision for the Orphans that he may not be surpris'd by Death without making his Will and may take care of his Soul and Family In the same manner the Heavens as it were joyful for the approaching reception of those blessed Souls seem to make Bonfires by those Comets and blazing Meteors which they at the same time kindly design should Prognosticate to us here that in few days one of those venerable Souls is to leave her Body and this Terrestrial Globe Not altogether unlike this was what was formerly done at Athens by the Judges of the Areâ—pagus For when they gave their Verdict to cast or clear the Culprits that were try'd before them they us'd certain notes according to the substance of the Sentences by Θ. signifying Condemnation to Death by T. Absolution by A. Ampliation or a Demur when the case was not sufficiently examin'd Thus having publickly set up those Letters they eas'd the Relations and Friends of the Prisoners and such others as desir'd to know their Doom of their doubts Likewise by these Comets as in etherial Characters the Heavens silently say to us Make haste Mortals if you would know or learn of these blessed Souls any thing concerning the publick good or your private Interest for their Catastrophe is near which being past you will vainly wish for them afterwards The good natur'd Heavens still do more and that Mankind may be declar'd unworthy of the injoyment of those Renown'd Souls they fright and astonish us with Prodigies Monsters and other foreboding Signs that thwart the Order of Nature Of this we had an instance several days before the decease of the Heroick Soul of the Learned and Valiant Chevalier de Langey of whom you have already spoken I remember it said Epistemon and my Heart still trembles within me when I think on the many dreadful Prodigies that we saw five or six days before he dy'd For the Lords of D'assâ—â— Câ—emant one-ey'd Mailly St. Ayl Villeneuâ—ue-la Guyart Master Gabriel Physician of Saâ—â—llan Rabelais Cohuau Massuau Maâ—â—rici Bullou Cereu alias Bourgmaistre Francis Proust Ferron Charles Girard Francis Bourré and many other Friends and Servants to the Deceased all dismay'd gaz'd on each other without uttering one word yet not without foreseeing that France would in a short time be depriv'd of a Knight so accomplish'd and necessary for its Glory and Protection and that Heaven claim'd him again as its due By the tufted Tip of my Cowle cry'd Fryar Jhon I am e'en resolv'd to become a Scholar before I die I have a pretty good Head-piece of my own you must own Now pray give me leave to ask you a civil Question Can these same Heroes and Demigods you talk of die May I never be damn'd if I was not so much a Lobcock as to believe they had been Immortal like so many fine Angels Heaven forgive me but this most Reverend Father Macroby tells us They die at lâ—st We all must return'd Pantagruel The Stoicks held them all to be Morâ—â—l except one who alone is Immortal Impossible Invisible Pindar plainly saith That there is no more Thread that is to say no more Life spun from the Distaff and Flax of the hard-hearted Fates for the Goddesses â—amâ—dâ—yades than there is for those Trees 〈◊〉 are preserv'd by them which are good sturdy downright Oaks whence they deriv'd their Original according to the Opinion of Callimachus and Pausanias in Phâ—â—i with whom concurs Martianus Capella As for the Demigods Fâ—â—â—â—s Satyrs Sylvans Hobgoblins Aegpanes Nâ—mphs Heroes and Daemons several Men â—aâ—e from the total Sum which is the resâ—lt of the divers Ages Calculated by Heâ—ied reckon'd their life to be 9720 years that 〈◊〉 consisting of four special numbers orderly arising from one the same added together â—â—d multiplied by four every way amounts to forty these forties being reduc'd into Triangles by five times make up the total of the aforesaid number See Plutarch in his Book about the Cessation of Oracles This said Fryar Jhon is not matter of Breviary I may believe as little or as much of it as you and I please I believe said Pantagruel that all Intellectual Souls are exempted from Atropos's Scissers They are all immortal whether they be of Angels of Demons or Human Yet I 'll tell you a story concerning this that 's very strange but is written and affirm'd by several learned Historians CHAP. XXVIII How Pantagruel related a very sad story of the Death of the Heroes EPITHERSES the Father of Emiliaâ— the Rhetorician sailing from Greece to Italy in a Ship freighted with divers Goods and Passengers at night the wind fail'd'em near the Echinades some Islands that lye between the Morea and Tunis and the Vessel was driven near Paxos When they were got thither some of the passengers being asleep others awake the rest eating and drinking a voice was heard that call'd aloud Thamous which cry surpris'd them all This same Thamous was their Pilot an Egyptian by birth but known by name only to some few Travellers The voice was heard a second time calling Thamous in a frigthful Tone and none making answer but trembling and remaining silent the Voice was heard a third time more dreadfull than before This caus'd Thamous to answer here am I What dost thou call me for What wilt thou have me do Then the Voice louder than before bad him publish when he should come to Paloda That the great God Pan was dead Epitherses related that all the Mariners and Passengers having heard this were extreamly amaz'd and frighted and that consulting among themselves whether they had bâ—st conceal or divulge what the Voice had injoyn'd Thamous said his advice was That if they happen'd to have a
fair wind they shâ—uâ—d proceed without mentioning a word on 't but if they chanc'd to be becalm'd he would publish what he had heard Now when they were near Paloda they had no Wind neither were they in any Current Tâ—â—mâ—us then getting up on the top of the Ship 's forecastle and casting his Eyes on the shoar said that he had been commanded to proclaim that the great God Pan was dead The words were hardly out of his Mouth when deep Groans great Lamentations and Shrieks not of one Person but of many together were heard from the Land The News of this many being present then was soon spread at Râ—me insomuch that Tiberius who was then Emperor senâ— for this Thamous and having heard him gave credit to his words and inquiring of the Learned in his Court and at Rome who was that Pan He found by their relation that he was the Son of Mercury and Penelope as Herodotus and Cicero in his third book of the nature of the Gods had written before For my part I understand iâ— of that great Saviour of the Faithfull who was shamefully put to Death at Jerusalem by the envy and wickedness of the Doctors Priests and Monks of the Mâ—saie Law And methinks my Interpretation is not improper for he may lawfully be said in the Greek Tongue to be Pan since he is our All For all that we are all that we live all that we have all that we hope is him by him â—â—â—m him and in him He is the good â—an the great Shepherd who as the loving Sheperd Câ—â—yden affirms hath not only a tendâ—r Love and Affection for his Sheep but 〈◊〉 for their Shepherds At his death complaints sighs fears and lamentations were 〈◊〉 â—ad through the whole Fabric of the universâ— whether Heavens Land Sea or Hell The time also concurs with this interpretation of mine for this most good most mighty Pan our only Saviour dyed near Jeâ—â—salem during the Reign of Tiberius Caesar Pantagruel having ended this discourse remain'd silent and full of Contemplation a little while after we saw the tears flow out of his eyes as big as Ostridg's Eggs. God take me presently if I tell you one single syllable of a Lye in the matter CHAP. XXIX How Pantagruel sail'd by the Sneaking Island where Shrove-tide reign'd THE Jovial Fleet being reâ—â—â—ed and repar'd new Stores â—en in the Macreâ—ns over and 〈◊〉 satisfy'd and pleased with the Money spent there by Pantagruel our Men in better humour yet then they us'd to be if possible we merrily put to sea the next day near Sun-set with a delicious fresh Gale Xenomanes show'd us afar off the Sneaking Island where reign'd Shrovetide of whom Pantagruel had heard much talk formerly for that Reason he would gladly have seen him in Person had not Xenomanes advis'd him to the contrary First because this would have been much out of our way and then for the lean Cheer which he told us was to be found at that Prince's Court and indeed all over the Island You can see nothing there for your Money said he but a huge Greedy-Guts a tall woundy swallower of hot Wardens and Muscles a Longshank'd Mole-catcher an over grown Bottler of hay a Mossy-chin'd Demy-giant with a double shaven Crown of Lantern Breed a very great Loytering Noddy-peak'd youngster Banner-bearer to the Fish-eating Tribe Dictator of Mustard-land Flogger of little Children Calciner of Ashes Father and Foster-father to Physicians swarming with Pardons Indulgencies and Stations a very honest Man a good Catholic and as brim full of Devotion as ever he can hold He weeâ—â— the Three fourth parts of the day and never â—sts at any Weddings but give the Devil his 〈◊〉 â—e's the most industrious Larding-stick and Sâ—â—â—e-maker in forty Kingdoms About Six years ago as I pass'd by Sneaking Land I brought home a large Scure from thence and made a Present of it to the Butchers of Quande who set a great value upon them and that for a Cause sometime or other if ever we live to come back to our own Country I will shew you two of them fastned on the great Church-Porch His usual Food is pickled Coats of Mail salt Helmets and Head-pieces and salt Sallads which sometimes makes him piss Pins and Needles As for his Cloathing 't is Comical enough oâ— Conscience both for make and colour for he wears Grey and Cold nothing before and nought behind with the Sleeves of the same You will do me a kindness said Pantagruel if as you have described his Cloths Food Actions and Pastimes you will also give me an Account of his Shape and Disposition in all his Parts Prethee do dear Cod said Fryar Ihon for I have found him in my Breviary and then follow the moveable Holy-days With all my heart answer'd Xâ—â—â—manes We may chance to hear more of him as we touch at the Wild Island the Dominion of the Squob Chitterlings his Enemies against whom he is eternally at odds and were it not for the help of the noble Carnaval their Protector and good Neighbour this Meagre-look'd Lozelly Shrovetide would long before this have made sad work among them and rooted them out of their Habitation Are these same Chitterlings said Fryar Ihon Male or Female Angels or Mortals Women or Maids They are reply'd Xenomanes Female in Sex Mortal in kind some of them Maids others not The Devil have me said Fryar Ihon if I been't for them What a shameful disorder in Nature is it not to make War against Women Let 's go back and back the Villain to pieces What! meddle with Shrovetide cry'd Panurge in the name of Belzebub I am not yet so weary of my Life No I 'm not yet so mad as that comes to Quid juris Suppose we should find our selves pent up between the Chitterlings and Shrovetide between the Anvil and the Hammers Shankers and Buboes stand off Godzooks let 's make the best of our way I bid you good Night sweet Mr. Shrovetide I recommend to you the Chitterlings and pray don't forget the Puddings CHAP. XXX How Shrovetide is anatomiz'd and describ'd by Xenomanes AS for the inward Parts of Shrovetide said Xenomanes his Brain is at least it was in my time in Bigness Colour Substance and Strength much like the left Cod of a He-hand-worm The Ventricles of his said Brain like an Augre The Worm-like Excrescence like a Christmas-Box The Membranes like a Monk's Cowle The Funnel like a Mason's Chissel The Fernix like a Casket The Glandula pinealis like a Bag-pipe The Rete Admirabile like a Gutter The Dug-like Procâ—sses like a Patch The Tympanums like a Whirly Gig. The Rocky bones like a Goose-wing The Nape of the Neck like a Paper Lanthorn The Nerves like a Pipkin The Vvula like a Sack butt The Palate like a Mittain The Spittle like a Shuttle The Almonds like a Telescope The Bridge of his Nose like a Wheel barrow The Head of the Larynx like a Vintage Basket The Stomach like a
that fine Institution let us go to Church we shall afterwards go to Feast our selves Man of God quoth Fryar Jhon do you go before we 'll follow you you spoke in the matter properly and like a good Christian 't is long since we saw any such For my part this rejoyces my mind very much and I verily believe that I shall have the better Stomach after it well 't is a happy thing to meet with good Men Being come near the Gate of the Church we spy'd a huge thick Book gilt and covered all over with precious Stones as Rubies Emeralds and Pearls more or at least as valuable as those which Augustus consecrated to Jupiter Capitolinus This Book hang'd in the Air being fasten'd with two thick Chains of Gold to the Zoophore of the Porch We look'd on it and admir'd it As for Pantagruel he handled it and dandled it and turn'd it as he pleas'd for he could reach it without straining and he protested that whenever he touch'd it he was seiz'd with a pleasant tickling at his Fingers end new Life and Activity in his Arms and a violent temptation in his Mind to beat one or two Sergeants or such Officers provided they were not of the Shaveling-kind Homenas then said to us The Law was formerly given to the Jews by Moses written by God himself at Delphos before the Portal of Apolâ—o's Temple this Sentence 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 was found written with a Divine Hand and sometime after it was also seen and as Divinely written and transmitted from Heaven Cybele's Shrine was brought out of Heaven into a Field call'd Penisunt in Phrygia so was that of Dâ—â—a to Tauris if you will believe Euripides the Oriflambe or Holy Standard was transmitted out of Heaven to the Noble and most Christian Kings of France to fight against the Unbelievers In the Reign of Numa Pompilius second King of the Romans the famous Copper Buckler call'd Ancile was seen to descend from Heaven At Acropolis near Athens Minerva's Statue formerly fell from the Empyreal Heaven In like manner the sacred Decretals which you see were written with the hand of an Angel of the Cherubin-kind you Outlandish People will hardly believe this I fear Little enough of Conscience said Panurge And then continued Homenas they were miraculously transmitted to us here from the very Heaven of Heavens in the same manner as the River Nile is call'd Diipetes by Homer the Father of all Philosophy the holy Decretals always excepted Now because you have seen the Pope their Evangelist and everlasting Protector we will give you leave to see and kiss them on the Inside if you think it meet But then you must fast Three days before and Canonically confess nicely and strictly mustering up and inventorising your Sins great and small so thick that one single Circumstance of them may not scâ—pe you as our holy Decretals which you see direct This will take up some time Man of God answer'd Panurge we have seen and descry'd Decrees and eke Decretals enough o' Conscience some on Paper other on Parchment fine and gay like any painted Paper Lantern some on Vellom some in Manuscript and others in Print so you need not take half this Pains to shew us these We 'll take the Good-will for the Deed and thank you as much as if we had Ay Marry said Homenas but you never saw these that are Angelically written Those in your Country are only Transcripts from ours as we find it written by one of our old Decretaline Scoliasts For me Do not spare me I do not value the Labour so I may serve you do but tell me whether you will be confest and fast only three short little days of God As for shriving answer'd Panurge there can be no great harm in 't but this same Fasting Master of mine will hardly down with us at this time for we have so very much over-fasted our selves at Sea that the Spiders have spun their Cobwebs over our Grinders Do but look on this good Fryar Ihon des Entomeures Homenas then courteously Demy-clipp'd him about the Neck some Moss is growing in his Throat for want of bestirring and exercising his Chaps He speaks the Truth vouch'd Fryar Ihon I have so much fasted that I 'm almost grown hump-shoulder'd Come then let 's go into the Church said Homenas and pray forgive us if for the Present we do not sing you a fine high Mass The hour of Mid-day is past and after it our sacred Decretals forbid us to sing Mass I mean your high and lawful Mass But I 'll say a low and dry one for you I had rather have one moistened with some good Anjou Wine cry'd Panurge fall to fall to your low Mass and dispatch Od's Bodikins quoth Fryar Ihon it frets me to the Guts that I must have an empty Stomach at this time of day For had I eaten a good Breakfast and fed like a Monk if he should chance to sing us the Requiem aeternam dona eis domine I had then brought thither Bread and Wine for the Traits passes those that are gone before Well Patience Pull away and save a Tide short and sweet I pray you and this for a Cause CHAP. L. How Homenas show'd us the Arch-Type or Representation of a Pope MAss being mumbled over Homenas took a huge bundle of Keys out of a Trunk near the Head Altar and put Thirty two of them into so many Key-holes put back so many Springs then with Fourteen more master'd so many Padlocks and at last open'd an Iron-Window strongly barr'd above the said Altar This being done in token of great Mystery he cover'd himself with wet Sackcloth and drawing a Curtain of Crimson Sattin show'd us an Image daub'd over coursly enough to my thinking then he touch'd it with a pretty long stick and made us all kiss the part of the Stick that had touch'd the Image After this he said to us What think you of this Image It is the Likeness of a Pope answer'd Pantagruel I know it by the Tripple Crown his Furr'd Aumusse his Rochet and his Slipper You are in the right said Homenas it is the Idea of that same good God on Earth whose coming we devoutly await and whom we hope one day to see in this Country O happy wish'd for and much expected day and happy most happy you whose propitious Stars have so far favour'd you as to let you see the living and real Face of this good God on Earth by the single sight of whose Picture we obtain full Remission of all the Sins which we remember that we have committed as also a Third part and Eighteen Quarantaines of the Sins which we have forgot And indeed we only see it on high annual Holy days This caus'd Pantagruel to say that it was a Work like those which Daedalus us'd to make since tho' it were deform'd and ill drawn nevertheless some divine Energy in Point of Pardons lay hid and conceal'd in it
all Kings Emperors Potentates and Lords willing nilling must depend on him hold of him be Crown'd confirm'd and Authoris'd by him come thither to strike sail buckle and fall down before his Holy Slipper whose Picture you have seen The mighty Decretals of God I will discover you a great secret The Universities of your World have commonly a Book either open or shut in their Arms and Devises what Book do you think it is Truly I do not know answer'd Pantagruel I never read it It is the Decretals said Homenas without which the Priviledges of all Universities would soon be lost You must own I have taught you this ha ha ha ha ha Here Homenas began to bâ—lâ—h to farr to sunk to laugh to slaver and to sweaâ— and then he gave his huge greasy four-corner'd Cap to one of the Lasses who clapt it 〈◊〉 her pretty head with a deal of joy after she had lovingly buss'd it as a sure token that she should be first married Vivat cry'd Epistemon fifat bibat pipat O Apocalyptic secret continued Homenas light light Clerica light here with doubâ—â— Lanterns Now for the Fruit Virgins I was saying then that giving your selves thus wholly to the Study of the Holy Decretals you 'll gain Wealth and Honour in this World I add that in the next you 'll infallibly be saved in the blessed Kingdom of Heaven whose Keys are given to Our good God and Decretaliarch O My good God whom I adore and never saw by thy special Grace open unto us at the Point of Death at least this most Sacred Treasure of our Holy Mother Church whose Protector Preserver Buttler Chief Larder Administrator and Disposer thou art and take care I beseech thee O Lord that the precious works of Supererogation the goodly Pardons do not fail us in time of need so that the Devils may not find an opportunity to gripe our precious Souls and the dreadful Jaws of Hell may not swallow us If we must pass thro' Purgatory Thy will be done It is in thy Power to draw us out of it when thou pleasest Here Homenas began to shed huge hot briâ—y Tears to beat his Brest and kiss his Thumbs in the shape of a Cross CHAP. LIV. How Homenas give Pantagruel some Bon-Christian Pears EPistemon Fryar Ihon and Panurge seeing this doleful Catastrophe began under the cover of their Napkins to cry Meeow Meeow Meeow feigning to wipe their Eyes all the while as if they had wept The Wenches were doubly diligent and brought Brimmers of Clementine Wine to every one besides store of Sweet-meats and thus the Feasting was reviv'd Before we arose from Table Homenas gave us a great quantity of fair large Pears saying Here my good Friends these are singular good Pears you 'll find none such any where else I dare warrant Every Soyl hears not every thing you know India alone boasts black Ebony the best Incense is produc'd in Sabaea the Sphragitid Earth at Lemnos So this Island is the only Place where such fine Pears grow You may if you please make Seminaries with their Pippins in your Country I like their Taste extremely said Pantagruel if they were slic'd and put into a Pan on the Fire with Wine and Sugar I fancy they would be very wholesome Meat for the Sick as well as for the Healthy Pray what do you call ' em No otherwise than you 've heard reply'd Homenas we are a plain down-right sort of People as God would have it and call Figs Figs Plumbs Plumbs and Pears Pears Truly said Pantagruel If I live to go home which I hope will be speedily God willing I 'll set and grasâ— some in my Garden in Touraine by the Banks of the Loire and will them call Bon-Christian or Good-Christian Pears for I never saw better Christians than are these good Papimans I 'd like him two to one better yet said Fryar Ihon would he but give us two or three Cart-loads of yon buxsome Lasses Why what would you do with them cry'd Homenas Quoth Fryar Ihon no harm Only bleed the Kind-hearted Souls straight between the two great Toes with certain clever Lancets of the right stamp By which Operation Good-Christian Children would be inoculated upon them and the Breed be multiply'd in our Country in which there are not many over good the more 's the Pity Nay verily reply'd Homenas We cannot do this for you would make them tread their Shoes awry crack their Pipkins and spoil their Shapes you love Mutton I see you 'll run at Sheep I know you by that same Nose and Hair of yours tho' I never saw your Face before Alas alas how kind you are And would you indeed Damn your precious Soul Our Decretals forbid this Ah I wish you had them at your Fingers-end Patience said Fryar Ihon But Si tu non vis dare praesta quaesumas matter of Breviary as for that I defie aâ—l the world and I fear no Man that wears a Head and a Hood tho' be were a Châ—â—stallin I mean a Decretalin Doctor Dinner being over we took our leave of the Right Reverend Homenas and of all the good People humbly giving thanks and to make them amends for their kind Entertainment Promised them that at our coming to Rome we would make our Applications so effectualy to the Pope that he would speedily be sure to come to Visit them in Person After this we went o' Board Pantagruel by an Act of Generosity and as an Acknowledgment for the sight of the Pope's Picture gave Homenas Nine pieces of double friz'd Cloth of Gold to be set before the Grates of the Window He also caus'd the Church Box for it's Repairs and Fabrick to be quite fill'd with double-Crowns of Gold order'd Nine hundred Fourteen Angels to be deliver'd to each of the Lasses who had waited at Table to buy them Husbands when they could get them CHAP. LV. How Pantagruel being at Sea heard various unfrozen words WHen we were at Sea Junketting Tipling Discoursing and telling Stories Pantagruel rose and stood up to lâ—ok out then ask'd us Do you 〈◊〉 nothing Gentlemen Methinks I hear 〈◊〉 People â—aâ—king in the Air yet I can 〈…〉 According to 〈…〉 full Ears suck'd in the Air as some of you suck Oysters to find if we could hear some sound scatter'd thro' the Sky and to lose none of it like the Emperor Antoninus some of us laid their hands hollow next to their Ears But all this would not do nor could we hear any Voice Yet Pantagruel continued to assure us he heard various Voices in the Air some of Men and some of Women At last we began to Fancy that we also heard something or at least that our Ears tingled and the more we listen'd the plainer we discern'd the Voices so as to distinguish Articulate Sounds This mightily frighted us and not without cause since we could see nothing yet heard such various Sounds and Voices of Men Women Children Horses c. insomuch