so much that I offend any Relation as that I grieve the spirit of God in all my actions and in all my Relations in this world I hope that my soul is in the first place set to serve my Lord in the duties to them as that which he requires and my be for his honor if done rightly and though I do often transgress the commands of my Lord Jesus yet I trust I do not make it my work but it my daylie burthen 2. My desires and daylie grones before the Lord are that I might be wholly devoted and given up to Jesus in my whole inward and outward man and I would that all my poor parts and strength and time yea all my inward and outward Talents should be improved in his service wholly how often doth my soul breath before the Lord after this manner Oh Father is it not long enough yea too too long that I have been too too much at Satans beck and the worlds yea and mine own Oh that it might be thus no longer and that I might no longer live to my self or seek or please my self in any thing but that my whole soul may be set to please my Lord Jesus is it not my daylie burthen that I have too too much sought and served my self both in natural and spiritual things that I have had too many self-ends and designes which the Lord crucifie fully for my Lords sake and as for the service of the world if I know any thing of mine own heart it is my daily desire prayer and indeavour to throw the world wholly out of my heart That I might not do any service any longer to sin or Satan and if at any time they do get any little from me how grudgingly and repiningly is it done yea is it not the grief of my soul that I have had any expectation or desires after any thing in the world or of this world that my eye is not wholly and really upon Jesus Christ for expectation provision and all what I need 3ly Though I have a wretched heart that hath and still would be picking its work thinking that other servants of Christ they have an easier work and go through this world filled filled with the joy of the Holy Ghost yea and have their cups of earthly blessings overflowing and hereupon my wicked heart hath been carried disorderly to long after and wish for such a condition and think that I had a hard portion to be always afflicted with inward and outward distempers and weaknesses trials in bodily afflictions of most sorts and invvard vveaknesses infirmities temptations of divers kinds and in high degrees suffered my name especially for my desire to walk in the wayes and services of my Lord which my wicked heart thought very hard and to this day is too ready sometimes to murmure though through the goodness of my God it hath not the power or strength that it hath had yet the very rising of it causeth my soul still to beg strength against it and a thorow victory over it begging daily a submissive frame of spirit to the will of my Lord in all things desiring no more to pick and chuse my condition and work but begging the Lord to chuse for me who knoweth what is best for me and if he seeth meet that I should serve him in the fire of affliction inward or outward that he would but subject my heart to his wil sanctifie that condition to me and do with me what he please 7ly Doth there not appear some degree of faithfulnesse in thee in that thou lovest most whom thou esteemest to do most for Christ and daily mournst that others do no more for him then thou doest is it not a continual burthen to thee that thou canst do no more for Christ and art imployed no more by him Maiest thou not say safely before the Lord who knoweth the truth of it that thy heart is not taken with any creature in this world what ever it be and if upon any yet upon no other account whatever but only as they are servants to thy Lord and what ever their other adjournings were whether beauty or parts or riches and honour or whatever none of all these did to thy remembrance advance any creature in the esteem of thy soul 8ly Wouldest thou not gladly O my soul be putting on others yea and bless the Lord if he would please to inable thee to this work that seeing thou canst do so little for him thy self that he would inable thee to spur on others to do more for him then thou canst and is it not thy burthen that through one temptation or other thou art so much prevented in this blessed work also To what end else are thy words and writings to others and continued begging of their remembrance of thee before the Lord 9ly Is it not thy daily grief that both thy self and others move so slowly in this work to see men lose their first love and walk not so rightly and faithfully with Christ as formerly is not this thy daily grief and burthen and that which sometimes even overwhelmeth thy spirit 10ly O my soul doest thou not desire continually to blesse the Lord that he hath made thee his servant to serve him in any work for what art thou that the Lord should chuse thee out to be his servant when he might have taken others that might have done more service yea doest not thou bless the Lord O my soul more in that he hath made thee his servant then that he hath given thee riches or honour or esteem in the world are these any thing in thy eye in comparison of being made his servant did not the Lord bring thee to that pass before he appeared in way of comfort to thee to make thee beg of him upon thy knees that thou maiest but be made a servant of his whatever else thou underwentest though thou shouldest be made as the off-scouring of all things or forced to beg thy bread in this world yet that thou mightest but be his servant 11ly O my soul maiest thou not say that infirmities are more afflictive because impediments in the service of Christ then because they are afflictions upon thee art thou not more troubled when sick weak in body minde or understanding because these unfit thee for the service of Christ then becaus weak sick or low in esteem of others Lord thou knowest there is much trembling upon my spirit about this whether I may say this before thee or no but if it be not thus with me O Lord I beg of thee to work this frame in me for it is that I desire to presse after daily and am grieved that I am no more clear in yet methinks sometimes it is in some measure evident to my soul that the defects that accompany my service are more grievous and burthensome to me then the want of success of comfort though sometimes I am quite dark as to the clearing of this
is the Lord that brought us up out of the Land of Aegypt that led us through the Wilderness through a Land of Desarts and of Pits through a Land of drought of the shadow of death through a Land that no man passes through and where no man dwelt v. 7 Brought you into a plentiful Land to eat the fruit thereof and the goodness thereof but you entred you defiled my land and made my Heritage an abomination And was not this my condition How did the Lord with a strong and mighty hand bring me out of the Egyptian Bondage that sad slavery that I was in under Satan and those cruel Taskmasters he set over me in my ovvn heart and conscience my corruptions and guilt which laid insupportable burthens upon me both vvaies commanding me to make brick laying the Law before me but giving me no strength to do it nay continually hindering and pulling me back from it and yet scourging me for all the neglect of it yea through a Wilderness through a Land of Desarts did he carry me in vvhich I thought I savv my self vvholly deserted of God which was no small trouble to me through a Land of Pits yea Pits on every hand into which I was ready still to fall through a Land of Drought wherein my soul was ready to faint in me for thirst after the Lord yea through the shadow of Death And oh how then hath the Lord brought me into the shadow of death time after time laying me on my sick bed and pale death still looking me in the face with dreadful terrors and amazement yea to the very Pits brinck of hell in my own apprehensions which is the worst of deaths yea through a Land where no man passeth or dwells having none to condole my misery none being acquainted with it or me but wandering as it were by my self thinking and deeming that no soul was in half so sad a condition as I was but on the contrary hath not the Lord since oh that I could but bless his Name for it brought me into a plentiful Country shined upon my soul given me some tastes and glimpse I hope of the good Land which whiles I was thus entering into I did sadly wax careless and remiss after some time and too much taken with the vanities of this World and letting out my heart too much to the creature-comforts v. 9 Wherefore saith the Lord I will plead with you and with your childrens children will I plead hath any Nation changed their gods which are no gods but my people have changed their glory for that which doth not profit v. 13. They have committed two evils they have forsaken me the Fountain of living waters and hewed on t to themselves Cisterns broken Cisterns that can hold no water Oh! may not the Lord righteously complain thus of me have not I too much declined from him and run out after creatures in my affections and desires and placed too much happiness in other things which have been made appear to be broken Cisterns that could not hold any Water V. 14 15 16 And now saith the Lord Why art thou speiled have the Lyons roared upon thee and is thy Crown spoiled v. 17. Hast thou not procured this to thy self in that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God whon he led thee by the way Oh! may not the Lord rghteously say thus to thee Are the Lyons let loose upon thee do trouble and sorrow come in again upon thee And is Satan let loose in any measure to torment thee Mayest thou not thank thy self Hast thou not brought it on thee Is it not righteous with the Lord to do so by thee v. 18. VVhat hast thou to do in the way of Aegypt i.e. to return from the Lord to the creature to seek any good what ever What hast thou to do to drink the waters of Shiloh or the waters of the River or in the way of the Aijyrians v. 19. Thy own wickedness shall correct thee oh Lord and hast thou noâ— made it to do so and thy back slidings reprove thee know therefore and see that it is an evit thing and bitter that thou hast forsaken the Lord thy God and that his fear is not in thee V. 20 For of old time I have broken thy Yoke blessed Lord thou hast and burst thy bands and thou saidest will not transgresse yea Lord it is very true yet I have so done again V. 23. How canst thou say I am not polluted see thy way in the valley know what thou hast done thou art a swift Dromidary traversing her wayes Do but consider with thy self and thou shalt see what thou takest and how unwearied thy wicked heart is in its continual traversing that by being frequently carried out after other things then me V. 24. A wild Asse that is used to the Wildernesse that snuffeth up the winde at her pleasure in her occasion who can turn her away all they that seek her will weary themselves in her Month they finde her Blessed Lord how clearly dost thou point as it were at my wicked heart which like a wild Asse a rugged thing and wild also very untamed and unruly unwilling to endure to be held in by any bridle or made any way ferviceable to thee But used to the wildernesse frequently conversing and running out after the things of this wildering world Yea snuffing up the wind And is not this a righteous judgement from thee that what ever my heart runs out after but thy self it should be but as vvind that for the present fills but satisfieth not nourisheth not but in the end tormenteth and causeth pangs tearing in the bowels oh this is the misery of my wretched heart that it can take and fall in with the World but hardly taken off VVho can turn her away Oh Lord how hard is it to give a turn to this wretched heart running out after any vanity here below who can turn it Thy Messengers may come and come with thy Word in their mouths and cry Stop and stand and make a parly but they are not able to give a real turn yea thou art pleased often times to come in with many a sweet motion by thy spirit and yet this gives not an effectual turn neither yea thou comest in often times many ways sometimes by mercy sometimes by afflictions and yet these neither can sound a retreat Oh that thou who only canst do it wouldst once please to give such a real turn to my heart in the pursuit after any thing but thy self that it may never be so any more V. 31. Have I been a VVilderness to Israel Oh Lord thou hast not been so to my soul V. 32. Can a Maid forget her Ornaments and yet my people have forgotten me Oh Lord Must not I cry guilty before thee here for did I remember that I should not so often sin against thee V. 33. VVhy trimmest thou thy way to seek lovet V. 36. Why gaddest thou
in his Family upon his Children and Servants and by this means this daughter and one of his servants were brought home unto the Lord and which I mention as an alarum to the Saints to the practise of this duty which seems in this licentious age to bee so greatly neglected She had this honor to enjoy the indeared affection of all Saints that conversed with her as being eminent in these graces First in love to all Saints though of different Judgements where she discerned any characters of Christs image her heart delighted in them which grace shined the more clearly because she lived in a time wherein the contrary evill most prevailed Again she was eminently exemplary in that holy art of the Improvement of the society of the Saints by serious propounding of prepared questions about matters of most infinite concernment with such wisdom in searching out the deepest of the Treasures God had laid up in others hearts that she grew abundantly in experimental knowledge of saving Truths and was able and ready to communicate richly unto others She was a most diligent Christian in attending all the Ordinances and in every administration did hearken what God said to her soul and as her soule waited for some discoveries of God so the shining forth of God in his counsels and comforts shee did abundantly enjoy Shee was a careful Observer of the Lords day and found such profit in the ways of the Almighty that his Day was her delight and she requently was fild in her soule as with marrow and fatness She was a steddy Christian in reeling times and received nothing for truth but what she would often weigh in the ballance or the Sanctuary and upon solid grounds lay up in her heart or put forth in her practice And for her diligence and industry about heavenly things she so far abounded that whoever hath the sight of her labours would not easily conceive so much could be done in one whose life was so short She wrote her dayly Meditations upon the holy book of God which shee kept in a book fair written She contracted all she heard in the publike Ministry into a method in a book in Folio hath fairly transcribed some part of that work which would have contained the substance of all the labors of the Ministers of Christ whose Ministry she was partaker of And in another had written all the attributes of God and Christ that she could finde in Scripture for the strengthning of the saith of beleevers The truth is shee was a soul wholly dedicated to the Lord and in her whole conversation humble and holy and tender-hearted One truly weaned from this world weary of it and often breathing out holy longings to be with Christ frequently saying VVhat is there in this dark world that should cause a Christian to desire to continue in it And as shee longed to be at home so the Lord hastned the time and in her tender yeers gathered her to himself And in her death shee shewed forth a gracious frame of spirit and with holy confidence in Christ resigned her selfe to him And such was het holy jealousy of any pride or hypocrisy that might arise by discovering of her labour that untill shee fell asleep in the Lord her writings came not to the view of any Thus this blessed soule walked with the Lord and these things are recorded of her for our example that we may tread in her steps and be followers of her as he she followed Christ which is the hearty desire of him who is a servant of Christ and his Church Isaac Knight O My soul what hath been the Method and manner of the Lords working that effectual work of his upon thy heart which thou hast some comfortable hopes is begun by him and shall be carried on in thy soul to the glory of his own grace set them down as the Lord shall enable thee according as he hath been pleased from time to time and from year to year to make it out to thee that so if the Lord please it may stand thee instead in an evil day I mean a day of inward or outward affliction and the Lord help thee to do it as in his sight who is the searcher of all hearts and knows better than thou dost what work himself hath wrought in thee but so farre as he hath or shall please to enable thee to discern it in thy own heart set it down and let it lye upon record against all the temptations of Sathan that great adversary of thy soul IN the year 1635 when I was yet very young being not at the most full nine years old the Lord was pleased through the preaching of his word as I conceive together with my fathers repeating and farther pressing it home upon our spirits to begin to work upon my heart and to give in some kind of desires after the best things whereupon I began to take some delight in hearing the word but most of all in reading to my self in which I then spent many hours if not whole dayes the Lord setting the one and the other so home upon my spirit as to convince me both of my sinful and miserable condition by reason of my continual breach of his holy lawes and grieving the spirit of my parents the which was much set home upon me by reading Mr. Dod upon the commandements and the like treatises whereupon I had a temptation to curse the day of my birth which in some measures I consented unto often wishing that I had never been born or at the least had dyed from the breast as I saw some of my Brothers esteeming their condition to be much better than mine they never living to commit any actual sin and therefore as I then thought should without all doubt go to Heaven but for my self I did really think and fear that I should certainly go to Hell then being put out to board for a quarter of a year to one who pretended much skill and ability for the cure of some weakness that I then lay under which being a very profane family although I was yet very young yet being so contrary to those wayes I had been brought up in to come now to hear continual cursing and swearing and prophaning the Lords day and being forced to be in their company not daring by reason of those fears I then lay under to be alone and so sometimes prevailed with once or twice to play upon the Lords day I thought my self all this while to be in the belly of hell being thereunto condemned by my own conscience so that I could receive no contentment in all the fulnesse of those outward things which I there enjoyed but was restless untill I got home again being yet only convinced of my actual evills But when the Lord was pleased by the ministery of his word and other private instructions going along with it to convince me in some measure of my original corruption that I brought into the
any time been spoken to me in way of comfort by Mr. Love who onely was acquainted with my fears it tooke no hold upon me at all nor abode upon my spirit save only in the minute it was spoken for the truth is I was then too remisse in taking notice or observing the passages of Gods providence towards me not being able then to beleeve that it was indeed a work of God upon my soul which since through grace he hath been pleased more evidently to declare Then coming from thence to London much about the year 1645. being now a little instructed in the notional knowledg of many points in religion I had now a new temptation besetting me in this manner that if I would but walk more closely with the Lord and make more conscience of all known duties whether hearing prayer meditation examination c. That then I might more comfortably look up unto the Lord and also find in my self divers qualifications annexed to several promises which might much comfort me which work I began to set about indeavouring to tye my self strictly to it and according as I was able desiring the Lords assistance and withall making him many promises that if he would make out love to me I would be and do thus and thus But upon trial finding my self to fail in every thing sometimes through temptation to neglect or put off duties for a time which was occasion'd many wayes sometimes being in company I could not well leave or the like all which weighing in my mind did stil augment and increase my trouble finding this strict course though yet I could not keep close to to be a burthen to me with many such wicked thoughts whereby I came to apprehend my self as it were still farther and farther from heaven and happiness in all which time I could find little ground of any comfort unless taken from my desires which I could not apprehend constant neither But indeavouring still to go on in this poor way of performances I had some smal comfort finding as I thought some qualifications in my soul which were annexed unto divers promises where-upon I was somewhat at the present stayed and began to gather up some tottering hopes of the goodness of my condition from Mat. 11. 28. and such like Scriptures Then living near unto Mr. Love and the Presbyterian government being then about to be set up I had much strife in my self whether to joyn with them in it or no and so to partake of the ordinances whereby I might come to have my interest in the Lord Jesus Christ sealed up unto me being exceeding fearfull lest if I should slight or put off such an opportunity it might be laid to my charge another day that I had it offered me but would not accept of it so that at last I resolved to joyn with them and partake of the ordinance that so I might come to have my graces strengthened and my corruptions weakened and also come to enjoy more communion with Jesus Christ which I had some weak distracted though no abiding hopes of Thus having been before the elders there examined somewhat touching my knowledg c. and the time of administration of the Lords-supper drawing nigh I indeavoured for some dayes before in a serious and solemn manner to set my self in the Lords presence beseeching him to fit me for it together with the examination of my own heart both touching my duties and graces as also touching my sins and wants which I desired a supply of still begging of the Lord in all this time of my trouble that he would not give me over to a deceived heart what ever he did with me so as to think better of my condition than indeed it was but that he would please thoroughly to discover my condition and heart to me and thus with some smal hopes yet mixed with a great deal of fear I did that time partake of the ordinance the which I had no sooner almost done but Sathan begins to suggest to me that I had now eaten and drank my own damnation in receiving that whereto I had no right through so many fears and doubtings in my own spirit and that therefore now in stead of receiving strength I should be everyday more and more hardened and have my damnation sealed up to me instead of my salvation But pausing here a while and considering that I had indeavoured to do my duty according to my knowledg and power in examining my own heart what my ends aimes desires and wants were and according to my ability desired the Lord to make it a strengthening and sealing ordinance to me indeavouring to satisfie my self with these and such like thoughts that my desire was to serve and walk with the Lord though I could not do it thus I continued between hope and fear about a moneth space intending not to partake of the ordinance the next time fearing my self not to be fit for it finding my heart as I thought in a very unfitting frame but manifesting this intent to some friends they put me upon these thoughts that the way to be fit for duties or ordinances is not to neglect them as also relling me that if I were unfit for that ordinance I was as well unfit to live and therefore that was no just plea thus being troubled yet fearing to omit it I again partook of it where the Lord was pleased through the ministery of his word that day to hint out to me that amongst others there were two sorts of men that might safely and comfortably partake of that ordinance as 1. All those that had longing desires after the Lord Jesus Christ 2. All doubting fearing Christians that come with doubts fears to it it being ordained of God to be a strengthening sealing ordinance c. which though it afforded me some smal refreshment for the present yet did it not abide but my trouble still continuing yea increasing being thereby unfit for any earthly imployment and yet weary of duties reading and writing c. In which I spent my chief time Yet thus going on in a road of duties and performances sometimes finding some affection and assistance and sometimes not which when I did find in any measure Oh! how was my wretched heart ready to be puffed up and rejoyce in it and began to think that now I had done somewhat and that surely now the Lord would hear me but beginning to consider more seriously what I had done indeed and how many wandering thoughts and distractions had passed by me and that any wicked wretch in the world might do and did do as much as I and yet the Lord never regarded them I began to be exceedingly troubled that such wicked thoughts should arise in my heart imagining that it was just with the Lord for these wicked thoughts to blast all my desires which I really conceived he did Then considering that the prayers and all the duties of the wicked are abomination and things
8. Jer. 17. 5. and not the rock of Ages The next morning as I lay in my bed I had a secret perswasion darted into me that the Lord was even now answering a great desire of my soul that I have often yea a long time desired that the Lord would be pleased to search and try my reins and my heart and to reveal it to my soul that I might see what was in the bottome of my heart even as he saw it and that to that end he would please to turn the very inside of my heart outward and anatomize it before my eyes and surely the Lord hath been a long time yea for many years emptying me from vessel to vessel and turning me as it were upside down laying me under variety of conditions and dispensations sometimes under mercies sometimes afflictions sometimes one affliction sometimes an other sometimes under scoffs scornes injuries wrongs from neer relations sometimes sickness weaknesses pains bodily trialls spirituall exercises under the power of corruptions and temptations of all sorts and in all conditions and I hope his end is in and by all to purge away my dregs yea I hope he is now in this present affliction making a discovery of my own heart too shewing me how apt it is to depart from the living God and to seek fullness of contentment and satisfaction in poor empty things which the Lord grant I may so see as never more to pursue after them Then did the Lord the sixteenth of this 12. moneth 1652. being the fourth day of the week and our Pastors turn to preach seasonably backe this former conviction which lay upon my heart the Lord being pleased that day both through him as also by his own spirit to speak many seasonable words to my soul shewing me that indeed the true reason why I had wandered so long in a vast howling wilderness without the clear sight of his blessed face which as he now shewed me was because I had not indeed given up my self to the guidance and leading of Jesus Christ but would be gadding about to find my own way and paths of my own Jer. 2. 33 36. and therefore it was just with God to deal with me as he did with Israel of old and bring me back again causing me with sorrow to unravel all that I had done and acknowledg it to be my folly and madness to think to find the path of life and glory by any actings of my own without a clear going out of my self and by faith laying hold upon the righteousness of the Lord Jesus Christ only Yea as Israel of old upon every new straight difficulty or danger still fell to murmuring against the Lord and against his servants even so was it with my wretched heart how ready was it upon every occasion or dispensation of God to me to repine murmur and cry out why is it thus with me surely if he had any love to me it would not c. Yea as they did many of them in their hearts return back again into Aegypt after God had most eminently appeared to them and gone before them and with them even thus I saw it was with my wretched heart oh how ready is it still to return back to the creature for comfort c. yea with Demas to return again to this present world too much and that after such appearances of God to me did not the Lord ever and anon put me in mind and stir me and shew me what was in my heart Yea as Israel in their murmuring discontent cryed out would God we had dyed in Aegypt even so did my wretched heart seeing the difficulty and danger which I apprehended did attend the way to heaven and therefore fearing I should fall short and be overcome of Sathan one time or other and so brought to hell for my sins in a murmuring repining way at the various administrations of God to me often wish'd would God I had dyed in the womb And as they for this murmuring were caused to wander in the wilderness untill their carcases were wasted away and never suffered to possesse that good land or see it many of them even so how justly might the Lord have dealt thus with me and have caused me to wander in this vast desolate wilderness in my self untill not only my body which in a great measure did but untill my very soul should pine away in me but that ever the Lord should give such an unworthy wretch any sights of that good land to see those bunches of grapes c. that are there in abundance and to have any smal taste of them oh the riches of that grace how unsearchable and unfadomeable is this loving kindness and mercy These and many other sweet discoveties of himself and of my own heart was the Lord pleased to give forth into my soul this day both by his word and spirit shewing me my madness and folly in not staying in all my waye to see Christ go before me and guide and lead me but running before him upon wayes of my own which the Lord had justly and righteously yea I hope in the greatest mercy blasted to me which the Lord grant may never more be seen in or found done by me Then upon the third day of the first moneth 1653. being a day set apart by the Parliament for a publick fast thoroughout the Common-wealth Mr. Knight and Mr. Smalwood with one more kept the day at Fulham Mr. Smalwood began the day and shewed us that it was prophesied concerning Christ that he should come as a warrier amongst the Gentiles and that the chief seat of this his spiritual warre to let go that of his providential Kingdome is in the hearts of his people there being the seat of the greatest opposition against him Shewing us that the principal thing that man setteth up in his heart against Christ is his own righteousness therefore Christ wil come to wage warre in that heart where this is seated and set up against him Which through grace gave me a sight clearly of the true reason of all those combustions hurries frights and tumults in my heart for many years together that it was because Christ was coming there as a warrier to pull down those fortifications that I was making to keep him out to wit my striving and endeavouring might and main to set up my own righteousness too much and blessed for ever be that grace that thus many wayes both prevented it and also went on discovering the evill of it to me many sweet refreshments also were hinted out to my soul this day by the Lord through this his servant which came in with such mighty power upon my heart as that I cannot but record them Having now thus shewen us where it is that this seat of this warre of Christ is he then came afterwards to shew what kind of warre he doth thus wage in the hearts of his people which he opened to be the same that he waged
in the world in his providential kingdome that is both an offenlive and a defensive warre First an offensive warre against sin guilt and Sathan ye against all spiritual wickednesses in the heart Col. 2. 15. yea in Rom. 8. 3. he is said to condemn sinne in the flesh that is he hath put it out of his office he hath taken away the weapons of sinne sinne was our ruler before Christ came but when he comes he puts it out of office takes away not only the power but the guilt yea makes a great deal of difference between a neighbour and a master as long as you are here below you wil find sin a neighbour it wil be visiting of you and coming into your hearts often yea and it is well if you converse not too much with it but if Christ rule over you sinne shall not be your master any more Yea he brings down not only the rebellion of the heart but also every immagination and high thoughts into the obedience of Christ 2 Cor. 10. 4 5. Christ doth not warre like men they first take the out-works and so go neerer neerer but Christ begins first at the heart and brings down the pride of that rebellion of that and then the out-works these high thoughts that arise he brings them down also Christ also secondly wageth a defensive warre defending that soul against sinne and and Sathan Rom. 16. 20. It is true though Sathan be conquered in his dominions and trodden down and sin hath its deadly wound yet are they still conspiring against us and our defence is only by Jesus Christ Zech. 3. 1. where we may see how God keeps his people from being overcome Sathan he takes occasion and advantage from our unholiness and unrighteousness when you come to appear before the Lord what eve appears of sinne in you he will accuse you for before the Father and were it not for Jesus Christ his accusation would stand for it is true but Christ comes and saith the Lord rebuke thee O Sathan is not this a brand plucked out of the fire as if he should say these are a people redeemed by my blood and in a day of hardship therefore take away these filthy garments from them Christ will not onely defend his people but take away that by which Sathan takes occasion and advantage to accuse them Then he came to shew us the nature of this warrier the Lord Jesus which was opened in six things which afforded abundant matter of consolation to my soul if where he comes to rule he rules as a man of strength there is nothing too hard for him Micah 7. 18 19. He will subdue our iniquities thou wilt cast all their sinnes into the depth of the sea great sinnes as covetousness pride and that cursed sinne of unbelief are all subdued by Jesus Christ Therefore if sinne do at any time bear sway in thy soul it is because Christ for a time suspends and lets his power lie still and leaveth you a while to see your own weakness but when he comes again and ingageth your soul to him then is the putting out of his power as a strong man Secondly he carrieth himself as a man of great authority he hath not onely power and strength but a right to govern the hearts of his people oh how sweet is this to poor beleevers Sathan hath power to destroy you but he hath no authority but Christ hath both and therefore it is you are kept by him he can say to the proud waves to the pride and rebellion of your hearts peace be still such is his authority 3. He ruleth also in wisdome poor beleevers are ready to say the Lord hath forgotten them but there is no searching his under standing Isa 40. 27 28. he can find a way to deliver you from your pride and urbelief that you think not of as he did Lot out of Sodom Psal 147. 5 he is that great Counselior that consulteth the safety of his people 4. He rules in Justice he ever wageth warre upon a righteous account and to righteous ends when he comes to warre in your souls it is because there are enemies there he never makes a quarrel but fights because of a quarrel he is not like a man to come onely to be master no Jesus Christ evermore findeth enemies or he would not warre he finds a poor creature unrighteous unholy he wageth warr to leave them holy righteous Fifthly he carrieth himself as a man of constant resolution who if he hath once begun to warre and to subdue iniquity in any of your hearts he will not leave till he makes an end thereof the guilt of sinne is that which troubles poor souls now guilt is the obligation of the soul unto justice it signifies in the Greek to tie bind so when a man sinnes he ties and bindes himself over to justice then God prepares himself for vengeance now Jesus Christ he comes unties this and setteth his soul at liberâ—y that sinne shall not again prevail he will defend that soul to the end and make it more then conquerour over all its enemies Sixthly where Christ comes as a warrier to conquer there he also comes as King to reigne he will rule over them and in them to give lawes to that soul and to give an heart to obey them Christ hath been haply a long time pulling down in your souls well he will come reign also there destroy all the works of the Divel in you and come and rule you and give you lawes and a heart to obey them and that as your King Oh then see here the love of God in giving Christ thus to rule over us consider this love of his from Tit. 3. 3 4. We our selves also were sometimes c. Untill the love of God appeared to a poor Gentile see what he was a poor foolish man that cannot understand what command is given yet these Christ comes to govern nay he finds them not onely silly but disobedient sturdy stout mutinous ones such as will not obey but Christ appears to make foolish disobedient ones obedient but that is not all they are held under deceit and yet Christ of these makes faithfull ones yea that is not all neither but they serve divers lusts not one lust but many but when Christ comes to rule this soul shall have all subdued to him oh consider then how free grace appears in this to whom then will you give up your selves if not to Christ This may also discover the perverseness of those that will not be ruled by Jesus Christ And then hath Jesus Christ taken possession of any of your hearts ruled for you in your souls brought down the pride of your heart laid low the tower of your righteousness governed you in any measure then give him the glory of it and beg of him further to do it you find much amisse he onely can mend all who was given for a ruler and
for the salvation of man all these perfections are purposely in him for the good of his Church he proved it from Heb. 7. 22. Where he is called the surety of a better Testament Christs love is set out by a suretyship now a surety as a surety is wholly for the good of them whom he is thus a surety for if a man as a surety shall become bound to an other when he seals the bond he doth it as a surety when he is arrested for the debt it is as he is a surety when he payes the debt when he cancels the bond he doth it as a surety all he doth from the beginning to the end is onely his voluntary act undertaking to be a pawne and pledge Thus did Jesus Christ God the Father he enters into a covenant with lost man undertaking to be the God of sinfull man and man covenants to be his people he covenanteth to give them this benefit and they to yeild him this obedience now Jesus Christ he comes and undertaketh to be a surety for both he undertaketh to God on mans part all that man oweth shall be paid every jot of duty to be performed shall be performed and on Gods part he undertaketh all the good that God hath promised shall be made good to them upon their beleeving thus he is a surety The like expressions you have Joh. 7. 21. when Christ prayed to the Father for them whom he undertook first to bring them home then to keep them in this world then that they might partake of his glory with the Father for their sakes I sanctifie my self now to be sanctified signifieth ordinarily to be made clean from corruption and indued with grace and holiness but sanctification in this place properly is nothing else but separation to God therefore said Christ I did separate my self give up my self to God and all the work that Christ undertook he expresseth in that word he separated himself for their sakes so that if you do ask why was the Sonne of God made man why he lived why he died why he preached why he prayed all was for their sakes that is for their sakes whom he there prayed for and then in 1 Cor. 1. last Jesus Christ is said to be made unto us wisdome righteousness sanctification and redemption Christ was made all this and he was made it of God and made it for us wisdome to us righteousness to us all to us nay there is no one thing spoken of Christ through the Scriptures but there are plain Scriptures that do shew that it was for us when he was made flesh the Scripture saith it is to us a child is born and a sonne given when he lived he lived for us he is said to die for our sinnes and rise again for justification he ascended for us and sitteth at Gods right hand for us for our sakes he returns to judgement Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my poor spirit from these Scriptures thinking with my self oh wretched heart why shouldest thou ever harbour one hard thought of God or Christ more or give way to one doubt more Then in the application he came to put this lively question to our hearts Whether do any of you relye on Christ for your Saviour and see the need you have of him hath the Lord convinced you of your own lost undone condition through sinne perswading you to go to Jesus Christ and cast your souls on him to undertake for you doth God witness with your souls that really and sincerely above all things in the world you desire to be found in Christ if this be thy condition to which my soul did and doth answer before the Lord Lord thou searcher of hearts knowest by thy rich grace thou hast many years ago brought my soul to this very frame then what is it thou canst want if Christ be thy Saviour why all that is in him is for thee all that wisdome and grace that is in him is for thee and will not this answer all thy objections if thou couldest but understand it rightly what is it thou canst say thou wantest but it is in Christ I saith the soul I know he is all-sufficient then this is in him for thee Then he came to answer a great objection which I must confesse hath puzled my soul many a year and laid me under very sad feares which the Lord cleared up in some measure to my soul heretofore but much confirmed me at this present Object I but saith a soul if I could indeed partake of this you speak of oh this would settle my poor heart but this rather maketh me fear that I have no part in Christ if all that he hath be for his members if I were one of his members how come I to be so emptie could he then deny me that which I humbly beg of him every day the Lord is my witness saith the soul that I have for many years made my daily suit that Jesus Christ would please to give me pardon and grace and wisdome and ability to serve him if he be a friend yea and trusty and thus faithfull would he deny it me if I had a right to it therefore I rather fear I am none of his 1. Answ Say not such a word saith he for it may be thou hast a great deal more then thou dost take notice of If Jesus Christ hath tendred satisfaction to the fathers justice and the Father hath accepted of it and if he hath merited all grace for thee and hath already purchased it for thee and will give it out when thou hast most need thou art then more happy by having it in his hand then if it were in thy own keeping even as if one were my surety haply I want much wherewith to pay all my debts and to provide that for me which I want now if he goes and cancells all my bonds and purchaseth in his hands whatsoever I need is not this for me though not yet delivered into my own hand thou must by that eye of faith see what Christ hath done to the Father and what in his own hand he hath received from the Father and if it be in his hand for thee is it not as good as in thine own 2. Thou sayest thou hast so little It may be thou mightest have a great deal more then thou hast if thou wert indeed contented that Christ should be the well-head and thou onely the cistern but we would faine have our portion of grace to be in our own hands and then we would look upon our selves to be as somebody whereas if we could be but contented to let Christ have the honour of all and we think it enough to be but partakers of it by faith we should have much more commited to our hands then we have already Oh how fully did these two answers come in upon my heart 3. There are no better arguments of a heart filled with grace then to be mourning for the
the beauty of a Saint is the beam of his love and the lustre and glory of that love is that it springs from his love who loved us first And here he shewed us that in these words we had a loving and beloved disciple of Christ taking a due survey of the fountain of all saving operation to be in God himself and secondly that from the light of that divine love he looks into his own and other beleevers hearts and finds a strange reflection of the divine beam of love from God in his and their loves to God again In the first was shewed the glory of the person loving which is God secondly the manner of his communicating of all saving good it s through love and then the object of this love us and lastly the priority of it he loved us first where was further observed that this is a communicative nature in the goodness of God it is not drawn forth but puts forth it self in love that there is nothing in the creature to procure it neither can any thing in the creature hinder it whiles we were yet enemies he reconciled us by the blood of his cross This love in God is a nature not a passion And all he hath and is and doth to beleevers issues through his love his wisdome power all is communicated through love so that we were taught First that the Saints are the blessed ones of God Secondly they are beloved before they love Thirdly that they that are beloved of him do love him Fourthly that they love him because they are first beloved And by Application of these we are taught First to be like our heavenly Father in love yea in loving where we are not beloved this was a singular thing required of the Saints especially to love mens souls the stream of divine love it runs in the salvation of mens souls it loves to be like God Secondly let no man glory in what he is what hast thou that is not an issue of this love this love makes the difference between thee and others be not high minded but fear Thirdly consider your ingagements to divine love you owe all you have and are and all you shall be to eternity to this love of God Fourthly we were exhorted to look out for as much as love could yeild us love in man sets the whole soule a work to search for some suitable thing that may best please its object so God takes up the best wayes to make the glory of his love shine most clearly towards us and therefore unvailes it in the face of Jesus Christ as also fifthly we were exhorted to walk answerable to this love First humbly it is a free love that is the spring of all we have and are Secondly look into all your wayes to see what fruit this great and glorious seed of love brings forth in you Thirdly be transformed into love that you may be lovely as well as beloved Fourthly as you look into Gods first love so look into your own first love abate not of your love to him for he abates not what he ever was that he will be unto you Fifthly if the Saints are beloved let me take heed of abusing Gods beloved ones his darlings Sixthly walk chearfully you are beloved from above what if the servant frown so the Master love Give God your first love Give God your self in your lives not onely your duties but your selves for God gives you in his love not onely your pardon and gifts and graces but himself Be not jealous of God he loved first Be like God be first in love to the Saints look not for love to your self but be lovely to others Love first and that will draw love God liveth where he loveth he loveth us first then God liveth where he loveth as the creature is said to do if God loveth us then he is said to live within us and that continually and therefore as sure as God liveth there is a reall heaven in the heart of the Saints for as God liveth in heaven so he doth in the heart of his Saints therefore say not who shall go into heaven to see God but if God loves thee and his heart be set on thee there is that lovein thee that shall see Gods love to thee which is a heaven to the heart Is Gods love to you then look for asmuch as Gods love can afford now what will not love afford to a mans wife or children it contenteth them not that they have meat drink apparel but that they have that which is suitable to their relations and condition in this world now all in God issues through his love therefore oh Saints raise your hearts to look for as much as this love can afford so as your hearts may stand and wonder at the height depth and length of the love of God Oh how should your hearts rejoyce ye live not by what you have but on what is in the heart of your Father oh therefore go with open mouths and enlarged hearts to him for if he can find any administration that may most fill and satisfie your hearts look for that because he thought no blood could satisfie you but his Sonnes blood Because he thought no gift like that of his Sonne oh therefore let not your hearts be straightned do not content your selves with little things and say oh if I can but scrabble to heaven I care not but remember in what relation you are set even under the beams of divine love therefore look for as much as this love affordeth you Oh how abundantly did the Lord refresh my spirit from these precious truths thus hinted out to me and still he goes on confirming my soul in the apprehension of his love which doth in some measure cause my soul to turn back with love to him again which the Lord increase The second of March 1653. having appointed a Church-meeting every Wednesday after the lecture at Fulham and it being now to begin and the brethren being put upon it to exercise their gifts the Lord was pleased much to draw out my heart to beg his presence and pouring out of a large measure of his spirit upon the brethren fitting them for this work taking speciall notice of one of them whose spirit did melt before the Lord into tears in the apprehension as I conceive of the weight of the work which I confess took much upon my heart and drew it out very much to seek the Lord on their behalf as also that it might be a blessed opportunity to all our souls The 28 of March how many sweet refreshments did the Lord hand out to my soul which I desire may abide upon my spirit through Mr. Knights ministery at Fulham from 1 Cor. 11. 24. Take eat this is my body that is broken for you this do in remembrance of me from the word take there are seven considerations full of abundant comforts as they were set upon my heart as First here observe
Christs heart and see with what bowels of affection he speaketh how freely himself offers the riches of mercy take why what or whom should we take but himself possess himself thus he standeth calling and crying take me love me receive me eat me drink me let me be yours oh high love he doth not bid the soul take wrath vengeance death or hell but take me Secondly his commands are more to pleasure you then himself why should we take Christ why this is my body that was broken for you my blood that was shed for you take me for your own sakes for you need me to refresh your hearts therefore take me not that I shall be the better by it but that you may have more pleasure and delight in me that may do you all good oh high love Thirdly observe Christ sees our need better then our selves there are bowels of compassion in him what for a man that enjoyeth much to look out for them that want much yet so it is here you have not the disciples crying oh Christ give us thy self and blood but here is a Christ who having it and knowing that we stand in need of it offers it freely take oh admirable love Fourthly observe he is not content till you be fully supplyed he setteth no bounds but take and eat as much as your hearts will hold take what who le me all of me my spirit blood mediation with the Father all my righteousness take all he stinteth no man but opens wide the treasure of his grace Fifthly observe hence Christ is well acquainted with the fears of his Saints hearts therefore saith he take imploing as if the trembling heart would say O Lord I dare not these things are too great and good I know thy fears saith Christ but I lay a law on thee that wil make thee give over all for this law comes with power take and eat he bids you take and that on pain of disobedience to Christ when Sathan and sinne and corruption say eat not then remember what Christ your Lord saith take and eat and hearken not unto the voyce of of a stranger if any say eat not Christ sayes eat though the fears are great and the tremblings many that are on a gracious heart yet still Christ biddeth them take and eat Sixthly Christ knew the Saints would tremble on the point of unworthiness therefore he saith take eat why what is it but my body that is broken for you will you throw away that which is for you but you are unworthy why this is that which maketh you worthy because this is that out of which issues out all righteousness to you and though they may cry out they were unfit he commands them to remember how fit Christ is for them for whom is bread fit but for them that are weak and need nourishment for whom is that wine but him that is of a sorrowful heart for whom is that act of Christ but for that soul that cries Lord I am unworthy thou shouldest come under my roofe Seventhly he saith take which is a giving a man a propriety and possession of himself and this is that indeed this ordinance gives forth when a man so taketh Christ as that Christ is his take eat this is my body that is broken for you shewing that the Saints ought in the communication of this divine mystery to take Christ wholly by this to claim propriety because nothing can be more ours then a thing that is given us and we sinne against him if we take him not O therefore take him as your own He saith not onely take but eat you take in order to eating so that your acceptation of Christ is that you might be satisfied with Christ and filled for he is not onely to gaze on as the brasen Serpent was but to feed on as the manna was therefore saith Christ take and eat rendring himself in the most easie way of administration nothing under heaven a man is more easily drawn to then to eat a hungry man need not be much perswaded to eat yet behold here First That you had need to be intreated to eat and feed on Christ else what need this word but to note that the Saints were apt to stand still when they should be feeding on Christ therefore saith he take and eat Secondly This is of all other the most easie way of partaking being a natural act for that a man eateth putteth him to no pain yea the pain within is supplyed the hunger satisfied Thirdly He setteth no bounds but take and eat it is a command that lyeth on us for the supply of wants and the cheering of our hearts for so farre we may eat and no further Christ bids you take what you need implying 1. That there is enough in Christ for any Saint to eat else it would not become Christ to bid them but he saith take and eat implying that no Saint can say Lord I have a desire to eat but here is not enough they cannot say I have sinnes and guilt but can find no pardon no Christ bids you eat implying there is enough to feed on 2. He setteth you no time neither but eat as long as you live yea untill his coming again O how abundantly did those hints take upon my heart and even swallow up my soul in the admiration of that love the Lord grant it may abide upon my spirit for ever March the 30 the Lord was pleased in some measure to give in an answer to that desire put up March 25. for the pouring out of his spirit upon the brethren through whom the Lord was pleased to appear lively in my apprehension and in a spiritual manner in him whose spirit seemed to melt under the thoughts of the weight of that exercise March the 30 the Lord was pleased exceedingly to draw out my heart in the behalfe of my Mother whom I apprehended to ly under some sadness in respect of the want of the clear sight of her interest in God beseeching him that he would be pleased to wean her more from the world and all things here below and that he would be pleased to manifest himself to her and let down the light of his countenance upon her and shew her his face and not his back that as he had been pleased to shine upon my poor heart and the hearts of others of his Saints through prayer so that he would also be pleased at this time to let this request come up in remembrance before him and give in a gracious answer to it as also that he would be pleased to pour out his spirit upon her and let it be a spirit of grace and supplication in the sense of the want of which her spirit groaned for before him as also under the sight of her unprofitableness under all ordinances beseeching him that as it was he and he alone that causeth his people to profit so that he would please to give out to this his
might have cause to praise him even to all eternity for this unspeakable mercy This latter was written in the behalf of one in near relation afterwards it was exceedingly set upon my heart not to do it onely in his behalf but also in the behalf of other poor dark souls in relation to me May the 4. Oh my soul must thou not needs acknowledg the Lord a God hearing the very groanes of thy soul before they were effectually put up puting in at the very time a seasonable word into the mouthes of his servants suiting to thy troubles and fears supporting thy spirit under them abundantly And did not the Lord that same day May 4. by a letter that as soone as I came home came to my hands gave my soul great hopes of a begun work upon that poor soul which came as it were as a fresh return of prayer this very person being in my heart in these desires that were then put up May 21. the Lord was pleased one Evening very much to draw out my heart to beg his appearance to my soul in every ordinance in a more full and lively manner then formerly and next day being the first day of the week truly the Lord was pleased very much to appear in the morning to refresh and chear my heart and so also in the ordinance of the supper for which bless the Lord O my soul The fourth of the fourth moneth In the Evening I found my heart very dead and dull to any spiritual service yet the Lord was pleased to draw it out in this request to him begging a special presence of his the next day both in prayer and preaching and the ordinance of the supper begging the Lord to appear through his servant that was to administer in his name that there might be such a lively presence and appearance of God through him as might be a token of good to my soul And truly the Lord was pleased the next day in a lively manner to appear not onely suiting his appearance to that dead dull frame my wretched heart was in to him but doing abundantly above even my expectation in some sense riding triumphantly and gloriously in the charet of his word The 13 of this fourth moneth in the Evening the Lord drew out my heart very much amongst other things to plead with him to discover to me what the desires the hungrings and the thirstings of my soul were indeed after telling him withall that as farre as I knew my own heart it was not after the world the profits pleasures or any thing in it beseeching him to search and try me and if I were deceived in this to discover it to me and to be so farre from satisfying any thirst of my soul after any thing besides himself as to blast it and to make me sensible of it and humble before him for it but telling him withall that he had promised that he that hungers and thirsts after righteousness they shall be satisfied and filled and truely if I know any thing of my own heart this is it my soul waiteth for and brayeth after to be made more like him more conformable to him to have the spirit of a child put upon me whereby I might be more like unto him and more dedicated and given up in all my wayes to him but that if it were not thus with me but that I were deceived in it I did then beg above all things in the world that the Lord would discover it unto me The 25 of this fourth moneth my spirit wasdrawn out to beg the Lords appearance the next day and suiting my heart to it which I found in a very dead dul frame beseeching the Lord that his appearance might not answer that wretched frame my heart was then in but that my heart might be put in frame to meet with him As also that the Lord would be pleased to provide a portion for every poor soul that desires to see his face and to seek his presence that they might find some word suitable to their condition and how richly and abundantly did the Lord answer each of those desires both in behalf of my own soul and also on the behalf of others how gloriously did the Lord appear and ride triumphantly in the Charet of his word this day in the morning presenting very glorious usefull truths seasonable to my poor soul which the Lord enable me to practise and make use of enabling me to improve the promises to this great work of cleaning from corruption Yea the Lord was pleased in a further way to answer my desires for others putting in a very seasonable word of his to my Cozen Jefferson concerning free-will who was much in my thoughts in my former requests shewing how the promises were made in respect of our own weakness and nothingness for had the creature any power God need not promise to do all The Lord having thus appeared this morning there arose in my heart a question at noon whether I should not publickly by Mr. Knight offer up praises to the Lord for this appearance of his but through many fears that arose upon my spirit lest it might be misconstrued as if I did desire to appear to be somebody with the like temptation was kept off yet notwithstanding some trouble to my spirit for I was greatly desirous to have blessed the Lord publickly for it yet how did the Lord appear in answer to this secret desire of mine For Mr. Knight himself upon his own account did largely blesse the Lord for his appearance in the midst of the day and so throughout with which my heart did really close and so did our Sister Arnal as she said afterward as well as my self greatly rejoycing that the Lord drew out his heart in that wherein her heart and mind also did so abundantly joyn Our Brethen having made some entrance into the private conference and somewhat of God appearing from several of them my heart was much drawn out to propound some questions to them having two or three things upon my spirit wherein I was much unsatisfied and having resolved upon the thing in general there arose a great dispute in my spirit which question to propound first for they all left much weight upon my spirit and amongst others I had a very strong desire to propound this what means might be best available for the subduing of pride and strong debate had I in my spirit before I could passe this over yet at the last my spirit was overcome to propound another which proved very suitable to many other spirits in which I saw some hand of God Yet did my heart earnestly long after some resolutions concerning that of pride but how gloriouly did the Lord a while after the 26 of this fourth moneth appear in answer to it shewing me that there is no way like to the taking of the advantage of the ordinances which the Lord enable me to do About the end of this fourth
magnifie the name of our prayer-hearing God a God that delighteth in mercy and in the manifestation of it to his poor worthless Creature beseeching him further to increase my faith and help me to act it lively at this present in a plentifull feeding upon the Lord Jesus that so my soul may find abundant strength healing and cleansing to issue from him in whom all my hope and help lyeth The same tenth of this sixth month the second paper that I put up this day was in relation to our communion which I thus expressed One of this despised handful desires that the Lord would be pleased to humble our souls before him that we have been guilty before him of rashness and inconsiderateness together with want of love and tenderness to each other which the Lord make every soul of us deeply sensible of and help us to abound more to his praise in every good word and work that we might never by any of our weaknesses and miscarriages be any occasion to darken his glory to the world In answer to which the Lord was pleased in some measure to draw out the heart of Mr. K. to confesse this iniquity before the Lord with it a sense of and to mourn for one who came in at the first without due trial which I hope not without some ground the Lord hath set it home upon many if not all our spirits with adeepsense of our miscarrage in it The tenth of the sixth moneth were the papers put up also to present to the Lord by Mr. Knight at a day of fast thus One desires your earnest prayers before the Lord and to spread the sad condition of one in near relation to her that conceiveth himself in a happy condition when there are grounds enough to fear the contrary she desires you together with her to beseech the Lord to discover it to him that so he may have no rest in his soul till he be brought home and built upon the Lord Jesus Christ that onely foundation The same tenth of this sixth Month 1653. one who was compassed with such a body of death and corruption under which the party sadly mourns polluting all that ever she puts her hand unto therefore she desires your earnest prayers to the Lord that he would come and dwel in her soul and be as a refiners fire and as fuller Sope to cleanse her and to burn up whatsoever is contrary to himself or any way darkens his glory The 13 of the sixth moneth The Lord drew out my heart exceedingly to beg an increase of faith even beyond sight sense that though I could not see corruption dead yet that I might beleeve that it should be so in Gods time as also to beg for our sister Harris her Mother and that the Lord would please to cure her of the fear of death who had been subject to this bondage and help her to commit her soul to him as a faithful creatour and an everlasting loving tender-hearted Father The fifteenth day of the sixth moneth was discovered to me that I had often thought that if I had but assurance of the love of God then nothing could trouble me but I should be swallowed up with joy and even overcome with it but Oh my soul hath it been thus with thee since the Lord appeared abundantly in way of refreshment to thee or rather quite contrary since thou hast been set free from from the fear of hell and wrath oh how sad to think that ever thou shouldest live to rebel against such a God a Father of so much mercy About the end of the seventh moneth the Lord being pleased to lay some light affliction upon my poor body thereby drawing out my heart after this manner to him Blessed Lord what might thy ends be in thy fatherly chastisements oh that thou wouldst discover it and rather let this affliction abide continue yea be increased and augmented what thou wilt rather then that the corruption should not be discovered and purged out which requests were still continued Then was the Lord pleased in some measure in answer hereunto to discover those things following to me which I know not but that he might much aim at as might not the Lord have some respect to thy want of pity and compassion to one in misery Might not the Lord lay his hand upon thee though not in that kind nay were he not righteous if he should lay the same stroke hast not thou deserved it as wel as she might not the Lord do it to call thee home and quicken thee from thy sloth deadness dulness and the estrangement of heart that was so fast a growing between thy soul and the Lord O blessed father saith my soul let my corruptions be wrought out and thy poor creature quickned Was not thy heart and affections exceedingly running out from the Lord to the creature oh blened be that stroke that cals thee back so that this work were but done by it The third day of the eighth moneth being much oppressed in spirit with the thoughts of the dishonour that would come to God and scandal to the Gospel by the sad falling of one of our brethren and the fear that is upon my heart touching him The Lord was pleased to draw out my heart this evening to beg of him to discover to our souls in generall and to my soul in particular what his ends were in gathering this poor handful together telling him I hope he did not do it to make us the instruments of his dishonour to the world and withall I was put upon it I verily beleeve by the spirit of the Lord in that same day to reflect back upon my own soul what my ends were injoyning in that communion and as I was pressing the Lord to shew me why or to what end he had directed me to joyn in that societie telling him withal that surely my desires were to attend upon direction in it and that if any other thing what ever did byasse my spirit in the act that the Lord would please to discover it to me whereupon I begged of the Lord that he would help me to examine my heart about it and that if I were byassed by any wrong respect that the Lord would convince me of it and humble my soul deeply for it and pardon it in Christs blood now O my soul deal impartially in this work of examination in this thing and spread it before him This Letter was given to Master Knight what to seek the Lord about upon the ninth of this Moneth 1653. Dear Sir SAthan having often beset my soul to endeavour to keep it from a present participating in this holy ordinance upon several pretences and having again now attempted it I durst no longer keep his counsell but in the imparting of it I crave that help of your prayers at the throne of Grace that the Lord would be pleased to disappoint him in all his vices that wherein he seeketh to do me hurt
world to see with what countenance my Lord looketh upon this and the other action being I hope desirous I am sure if my heart deceive me not to see the will of my God in every promise providence and administration 4 The Lord hath made me faithful in that he hath put into my soul this earnest desire that my ends in all I do might onely be to seek the advancement of him my Lord whom I desire only to serve daily begging of him I might no more live to my self as I have too much and have too long done yea when I finde any thing of my self or self-ends to appear or break forth though but in the buds is it not bitter to my soul and such as imbitters the best action to me though otherwise never so good And this desire of serving the Lord I may upon experience say I finde to differ not only from that slavish fear that is in others I will not say so though I suppose it to be true also but from that slavish fear that did too much predominate in my own poor soul which did in the time of my bondage cause me to fear rather then love him but now the Lord hath in some measure been screwing up my obedience to an higher note or pin that it is now to a Lord and Father whom at last I would love And I do also lament before him in the sincerity of my soul that I can love him no more who have so much loveliness in him yea nothing but loveliness yea it is a service of a Lord who wills all and maketh the law and maketh it to be just because he can do no evil and I would I could continually meditate upon this his will but this is it I daily press after and mourn under the want of the clear sight of this that there should be so much fear in my heart concerning the issue or event of any thing wherein my Lord shall be pleased at any time to declare his will to lie in Further discoveries of Faithfulness 1. Faithfulness appears in the reality of the heart serving the Lord with all the heart soul and strength and so faithfulness in prayer lieth not in the pouring out of words though with some affection but doing it with all the heart soul and strength and a full exercise of every grace to the utmost in every service I do for Christ And O my soul is not this that thou daily pressest after though thou canst not fully attain unto it what else maketh thee to mourn over thy prayers and duties but that thou findest no more of thy heart and strength in them Is not thy constant desire that all thy soul and strength might be offered up to God in every service thou doest him 2. They are faithful servants of Christ that do all they do in order to a trust from Christ who intrusteth them with his Ordinances with their health wealth comforts injoyments all I have is but a trust from Christ now to be faithful is to improve this trust to God to do all the good that possible I can by his Ordinances to do every service to him as they that indeed exercise a point of trust he intrusting me with his glory in this world faithfulness is to make the utmost advantage to raise up his glory in this world make him appear great And so faithfulness in improving all the graces that God and Christ intrusteth me with by improving of them to make the utmost advantage for him and so for health and all outward comforts Now O my soul hath not the Lord written this in thy very heart that all that ever thou hast and enjoyest both spiritual and temporal whether ordinances graces comforts all thy enjoyments that thou hast by trust from Christ and must be improved for him and not spent upon thy self or this world and doth not the thoughts of this make thee daily mourn before the Lord that thou canst not improve them better that he hath so little revenue of glory from thee and by thee but that so much of his stock lies as it were dead and unimproved doth not the sight of this cause thee to mourn daily before him that he should intrust thee with so much and receive from thee so little Now O my soul doth not the thoughts of this make thee cry daily out to the Lord beseeching him to reveal his mind will to thee how he would have thee improve this or that other mercy or trust committed to thee and not onely teach thee his will in it but also help thee to improve it to his glory continually Yea O my soul is there not a continued fear upon thy heart which causeth thee often times to pour out strong cryes before the Lord that he would help thee to give him the glory of all the mercy and good things he betrusteth thee with at any time as also that there might never be found in thee any backwardness or unwillingness to give up thy trust in any thing whatever into his own hands when ever he sees meet to call for it which seemeth to note a further degree of faithfulness Further discoveries of Faithfulness at the same time 1 Faithfulness appears in the generality of it when a man is faithful in all that he hath though all that he hath be but a little and truly herein I have great cause to lament before the Lord for in the stead of being faithful in all that I have there is much unfaithfulness in me that appears in all that the Lord trusteth me with and yet O my soul maiest thou not also say that there is some degree of this faithfulness or at least a desire after it in thee and maiest thou not say By this law of thy Lord as Paul doth of the Law of God in general With my mind I even my self serve this Law of God in faithfulness though in my flesh I do too often rebel against it which is my daily burthen from which evil in thy own time deliver me oh my God and this I desire to wait for 2. Faithfulness appears in being faithful notwithstanding all difficulties that accompany them in their services Now O my soul hast thou not abundantly cause to give glory to God that hath been pleased to make thee thus faithful in any degree or measure in this respect who by his own hand power hath carried thee through many a reproach and scoff and scorn and by words making thee like Isaac who was still persecuted by Ishmael and hath not this been thy Lot by some ever reproaching thee scoffing deriding thee backbiting speaking evil abundantly of thee and yet falsly doing their utmost to bring thee out of favour with those whose love thou highly prisest and have reason for it And how did the Lord make thee to lie down under this when others taxed thee of hypocrisie and the like to search thy own heart and bemoan before the Lord the
degrees of it which thou sawest through mercy by others though not visibly to them Thus did the Lord bring a good issue out of their own speeches and words causing thee to lie down at his foot expecting the punishment of thine iniquity Yea greater difficultie then these hath the Lord carried thee through when all the powers of Hell and thy own Corruptions have combined together to keep thee from duties of Prayer Meditation and Examination and the like and yet the Lord hath enabled thee to break through all and to pour out thy soul to him when thou wert even in thy own apprehensions at the Pits brink and yet resolved to cry to him and not to give over crying and calling whilst thou livest notwithstanding all temptations to the contrary yea the more strong the temptations were the more speedily wert thou fain to address to the Lord for his strength and power to assist thee in grapling with them yea when some times overcame as it were and beaten down by Satan and entring the very borders of despair yet even thence from this belly of hel in which thou didst apprehend thy self already entred did not the Lord inable thee to cry to him resolve to give him no rest Yea when thou foundest no advantage or profit of all thy Prayers and Tears Sighs Croans but that the Lord seemed to turn a deaf ear yet did not the Lord enable thee to go on and to tell him that all those comforts and enjoyment here below they were poor mean things such as thou couldest not take for thy portion and therefore didst beg with submission to his wil That if he had no other for thee but the portion of this life that he would please to deny thee them also and never give them to be a snare but rather let thee end thy dayes in some desolate Wilderness 3. Faithfulness appears in cheerful service Now O my soul art thou not able to say before the Lord the searcher of hearts through his grace that so much faithfulness as thou canst discern in thee in any service of thy Lord is thy very joy and rejoicing of thy heart but on the other side so much unfaithfulness as thou canst discern in any service this is it that maketh thee go mourning all thy dayes because thou art no more fruitful 4. O my soul thy faithfulness in some measure appears in that thou art rejoiced really in spirit when any opportunity is put into thy hand and thy heart being enabled in any measure to improve it to the service and for the glory of thy Lord and art thou not on the contrary grieved that thou hast so many opportunities offered before thee but like a fool hast not a heart to improve them for the glory of thy Lord is not this thy daylie burthen Lord thou knowest it is when through the subtilty of Satan and deceit of my own heart I fool away many rich opportunities by not improving of them which after proved a sad burthen and affliction to me 5. O my soul doth there not appear some degree of faithfulness to thy Lord in that thy endeavours do come still beneath thy desires hath not the Lord really enabled thee through grace to say with Paul The good that I would do I do not But O that I could do it that I could serve the Lord more and better but oh how low do I live and how poorly do I walk but oh that I could come to Prayer and read and hear and meditate and do all private and publike duties and walk in all my Relations in this world as might honor this my Lord are not these the continual groans and breathings of my heart before the Lord Lord thou knowest it for I have none I desire to appeal unto but to thee the searcher of my heart 6. Lord doth not some faithfulness appear to be wrought in my soul by thee in that thou hast above all things made me to delight in that work that no eye sees but thy self Thou knowest what a fear hath been upon my spirit and is to this day in a great measure to appear before others thou Lord knowest how many years this fear hath been as a prison to keep in the workings of my heart as doors to my mouth to keept it from lamenting it self not so much as in one word in the hearing of others lest there should any pride or hypocrifie act in it yea to this very day how many services wherein perhaps thy Lord might be honoured art thou prevented and durst not to act in upon this very accompt that it cannot be done in private canst thou not say before the searcher of hearts That such thoughts and apprehensions and fears as these least others should esteem thee better then thou art or thy own spirit be lifted up before the Lord or any false ends byasse thee in it That such thoughts I say as thefe do often as it were tye up thy tongue sow up thy mouth in all companies even whiles at that instant thy heart is even ready to split or break in pieces for want of vent sometimes apprehending that those discoveries that the Lord was pleased sometimes to make to thee and the rich grace he is pleased to manifest in thee in overcoming all the unkindness in thee ought not to be put unnder a bushel but held out to others and yet not daring to do it finding my wretched heart so prone to be lifted up upon all such occasions and so dishonor God that way and so deceive others and my self also And through both these fears my soul often walks sadly before the Lord fearing to offend him and not being able to discern it whether way I might most honor him having made trial of both sometimes silent and sometimes spake and finding the wickedness of my heart appear sadly in both I knew not sometimes which was best the Lord in mercy manifest and clear up to me O my soul Thus may it probably and hopefully appear to thee that the Lord hath made thee in some measure his faithful servant 1. The Lord hath given me some hopes that I trust I have no other Master that I willingly call Rabbi or willingly serve but my Lord Jesus nor have I any other work that I do upon which my heart is delightfully set upon but only my Lords work and this appears farther to me in that the Lord hath I hope in some measure wrought my heart to this frame of spirit to desire above all things to serve my Lord Christ in all the Relations he hath set me in in this world and to that end every failing in any of them either as a child or friend or any Relation though I too sadly fail in them all this is that which if my heart deceive me not above all things breaketh my heart to think that hereby I do dishonor my Lord Jesus and that profession of being his servant It is not
this hand of his in a lively manner quicken up my spirit and cause it to work up lively in his presence 2. Yea he did by it give me a clear sight of the workings of my own heart of its desire at the last to be fully resigned unto him and be wholly at hisdispose more then ever before yea I found my desire to be wrought up unto that pitch to seek his glory first in all things 3. Yea the Lord by this means drew up and drew out my heart to a longing earnest and vehement desire to be led and guided by him in all his wayes telling him that I was such a poor foolish weak creature that I was not able to go one step in any of my wayes natural or spiritual without him and therefore seeing that he had promised to guide the simple and lead the weak that he would now in an eminent manner appear to be my guide in all my wayes even to the death and not at any time leave me to my self or the vanities and allurements of this world the temptations of Satan or the wicked corruptions of my own heart I being so ready to be drawn aside by them and therefore begging again and again to be kept by his mighty power 4. Yea I had through this occasion a renewed token from my God Father filling my heart wâ—th such joy and confident expectation of his appearance even before the duty wherein I sought it of him was ended which made me beg of him to encrease and keep up my faith and not suffer Satan to cause a damp in it causing me any more to distrust his love who had so largely manifested it from time to time to me 5. Yea did not the Lord shew me how righteous it was with him that I who had so often rashly said that did not trouble my headvvith these things though I then saw it not the Lord shewed me that it was righteous with him that I should now not only have my head troubled but my heart also so that all along the Lord was pleased to outvvit Satan so that what he thought to have made a snare to intrap me in the Lord made as great an advantage to my soul as ever any administration was The next Lords day being the first of this 11th Moneth 1653. being filled in the morning with very sad thoughts and apprehensions of my own darkness and deadness and the like beseeching the Lord that it might be no bar or hinderance to his appearance to my poor soul that day but that he would appear so much the more by how much the darker I was for by so much the more would the glory of his grace shine forth upon such a a dark creature O how gloriously did the Lord appear this day in answer to these desires and that in a lively unexpected way in guiding Mr. Knight in his Sermon which was now fixed upon John 3. 19. to begin with it that day that suited me for I did onely expect as himself had formerly intended that he should only hold forth the sadness of their condition who love darkness more then light but when he came to meditate about it he could not as he told me afterwards get over the first words of light coming into the world the Lord drawing out his heart that day to treat wholly about Jesus Christ being sent a light into the world to enlighten poor dark creatures which came in so seasonably and sutably upon my poor heart that I cannot but much admire the grace of God in it The next day being the eighth day of the eleventh moneth and the Lords day O how gloriously was the Lord pleased to appear to my poor distressed soul in answer to its desires and groans before him making use of our dear Pastour as the instrument of his conveyance even throughout the whole service of the day the truth is I am not able to declare the goodness of the Lord to my soul at this time O that I could admire it for I cannot express it what seasonable truths refreshments counsels and directions the Lord was pleased to hint out to me this day A Copy of some desires which I spread before the Lord which were offered up upon a day of Humiliation THere is one who desires a share in the Petitions that are this day poured out in the spirit to the Lord beseeching him that as he sent his own son into the world to be a light to those who sit in darkness and to guide their feet in his wayes that he would be pleased to make him appear to be so to their souls by undertaking to be their guide and leader in all their wayes and to that end that he would be pleased to reveal his will more fully to them go in all their wayes before them and inable them cheerfully to follow him but at no time to go before without him or stay behinde him This was in relation to my self and my present condition desiring still to see the Lord more clearly going before me Upon the reading this Bill in my behalf they seemed all of them that read it to be exceedingly taken with it reading it over and over again and pausing upon it finding it to take much upon them upon which my wicked heart being too ready to swell how graciously was the Lord pleased to cast in such expressions as these upon Mr. Blake's heart which after some time pausing upon it he uttered which did much abase my spirit It is an easie matter said he to speak and present fine words in papers and in prayers but if we should now enter into a serious examination of our own hearts what we have done towards the attainment of these things which we thus desire that the Lord may be petitioned for perhaps our hearts may charge us of much hypocrisie and neglect therein in matters of bodily sickness and pains we do not onely seek the Lord but we observe all means that we can for cure and try all Physicians and the like but have we done so for the attainment of these spiritual mercies or no vve could be content perhaps if God vvould do it vvithout us and our pains in the serious consideration vvhereof hovv sadly did my guilty heart fly in my face though not in reference to this present desire I must confess yet in reference to many other desires that I have formerly spread before the Lord for the subduing of pride and passion and other corruptions vvhich I vvould gladly have subdued and yet in my course I gave too much vvay to them and set not so strict a watch over mine ovvn heart as I onght as I desire the Lord to help me to do O my soul hovv graciously vvas the Lord pleased to appear this day being the second day of this tvvelsth moneth through Mr. Knights Ministry at Westminster Abby as a God hearing prayer yea ansvvering thy desires as to those petitions put up over night
of God behinde me after my departure hence he having so often made it appear that hee is a God good unto the unthankeful disobedient and rebellious This begins with the 8 Month 1654. THe 27. of this month there being a great desire in severall of us to have some Church meeting set up amongst us which had been long delayed my mother and my self having often very much pressed it at last I even resolved to urge it no more imagining that the Lord had no purpose that it should be and rather fearing least there should be any by-ends in my own heart in this my desiring of it then did our brother Orpen and our brother Mâ—rly againe renew the motion and spake of it to us afterwards went from us to Mr Knight yet being still by one meanes or other kept off there fell much discouragement upon many of our hearts about it notwithstanding at last there was a day appointed to meet and to consult farther about the setling of it which meeting was also sadly frustrated by a mistake of the day and so no meeting but after some time there was another day appointed by joynt-consent to beginn the meeting yet somewhat discountenanced by one of our brethren saying it was vvinter time and many other imployments vvould not permitt them to enioy it yet there vvas a time set but the very day before Mr Knight told us that hee could not bee at the meeting the next day vvhich vvas an other sad discouragement hovvever they that were present agreed to meet to seek the Lord together whereupon the next morning being the day appointed for to meet I besought the Lord though with much weakness and in a poore scattered way that hee would please to go forth with us and provide some help for us earnestly desiring him to make good that blessed word of his that where two or three meet in his name that hee will be in the midst of them beging that this word might be made good to us this day that hee would put our hearts in frame to meet with him and be pleased to be present vvith us and also vvith those vvhom he should please to send amongst us that there might be no soul of us but might acknovvledge the Lords Presence amongst us and finde some blessed vvord hinted to their condition and in particular to my poore soul God setting it home with mighty povver upon my heart even so as that I might be moulded into it And hovv vvonderfully did the Lord even beyond expectation appeare this day in sending Mr Knight and our brother Morly neither of which were expected and putting into their mouthes a most suteable and seasonable word as also povvering out his spirit richly on them that spake in prayer to him wherein I saw a great answer to an other petition this morning which was that the Lord would please to help every one of them in speaking to him and from him which he was pleased richy and gloriously to doe in so much that Mr Knight seemed to be greatly affected with the presence of God and in the close did acknowledge it whereupon the meeting received great incouragement and was resolved to be kept up O my soul how did the Lord to thy short desires give in large answers together with seasonable refreshments to my poore drooping spirit from the words that our brother Morly spake out of the 40. psal But I am Poore and weake yet the Lord thinketh on me which poverty ariseth from the sence of sinn and corruption yet the Lord thinketh on me whereupon hee puts us upon this thought what if all other slight and disregard a poore soul if the Lord thinketh upon it is it not better to be in the thoughts of God then of the greatest in the world together with many other precious and seasonable hints to my soul The 8. of this 9. Month O my soul how unexpectedly vvas the Lord pleased to prevent thee vvith his loveing kindness and grace thou having been very ill all night with an extream cold not thinking I should be able to goe in the morning to Fulham yet at last overcome with desire to wait upon the Lord and cast and roul my self upon him and how gloriously did hee appeare to my soul and what a seasonable word was hinted out this day to mee by our deare brother the 25 of this Month at evening as also the 26. day in the morning being the Lords day finding my heart exceeding dead and dull and altogether unfit to meet the Lord as also greatly oppressed at the sight of the prevalencie of corruption and temptation over me almost continually which occasioned my soul to pour out its self greatly before the Lord in sundry various petitions relating to my present condition as also greatly begging his presence both in the preparing my heart to meet with him and in fitting some blessed word wherein he might meet my poor soul with many requests to this purpose too large to relate and both touching my own soul and also his servant that was to speak that day and behold how gloriously O my soul did the Lord appeare through his servant our dear pastor who spake from the 45. Psal thy Throne O God is for ever and ever the Scepter of thy Kingdome is a right Scepter where he shewed us that Christs Scepter by which he rules and orders all his affaires in the world and in his Church is a right Scepter and that all his administrations are managed by a right straight line for the Glory of his father and the good of his poor creatures and that how ever through the darkness of our hearts and our unpeliefe wee could not see the straightness of all Christs administrations yet that they are so hovvever for God the Father who best knows them saith so of them shewing us also that however Saints are apt to think that there is none in such a sad condition as they so tempted and so overcome by corruptions and vain thoughts and the like and if Christ did indeed raign in them and over them and his Scepter thus right why is it then thus with them in answer to which he shewed us that Christs Scepter was right still because his design was through all this to raise up his own and his fathers glory as his skill appears most that maketh a glorious piece out of a crooked thing so Christ hath some eminence of glory by working through all our afflictions and temptations to magnifie his grace and mercy towards such as we are yea to do us good through all now dear Father hath not thy rich grace shined gloriously in this condescention to such a poor worthless wretch as I am This day also did the Lord call us seeing his Throne and Kingdome is for ever and ever to look after everlasting things a secret check to my soul in it so eagerly persuing after fading dying things yea if Christs kingdome be everlasting so also are
those that are his subjects from whence we were farther exhorted to look out what it is that we have that is everlasting telling us that wives and children and estates and the like they are not everlasting they and you must part Oh therefore do not reckon these everlasting but if you have a Christ or grace c. that shall be everlasting if God hath begun any good work in your souls that shall be everlasting your infirmities weaknesses corruptions they are not everlasting they shall die and wither and Satan shall shortly be trod under your feet though Satan and sin hath domineered and made a stir in thy soul yet it shall not reign for ever there but grace shall raign by righteousnesse to eternal life therefore though your pains be great troubles sore temptations many yet know they are not everlasting and this may much comfort the Saints yea if Christ raigns this may comfort the Saints that their afflictions shall pass only from Christ not from the sons of men not from the world nor Satan nor the Law without him no nor the restlesse motions of your hearts that often misgive and terrifie you your judgement shall passe from Christ whose Throne is for ever and ever O my soul how abundantly hath the Lord bovved dovvn to refresh as vvell as convince thee this day the Lord grant it may abide upon thy spirit and help thee to live continually to his praise The 29. of this 9. moneth I sought the Lord to appear to my poor soul and speak some seasonable word that might be for my spiritual advantage and truly though I was disappointed of him that I expected to hear yet did the Lord by our btother Lemall hand out a most seasonable word to my soul which I desire may abide which was not to quench the spirit which the Lord did really convince me that I had often done even of late which I desire the Lord would help me against and make this a blessed word to the end unto my soul The 30. day of this 9. moneth the Lord drew out my heart that morning to beg of him that he would please to prepare my heart to meet with him and to manifest his presence to my poor soul through his Word that it might be a blessed season wherein my soul might enjoy communion with himself and that to that end he would please to remove out of my soul whatever might make me unfit to meet with him desiring much in my heart and endeavouring to expresse it before the Lord that my heart might once be gathered out from all things here below and sixed only upon himself and Jesus Christ and that there might be something added to this work this day And O my soul how gloriously did the Lord appear both for thy conviction and comfort in sending his messenger as if it were on purpose with an errand from heaven to my soul It was a stranger that preached this day and the Subject he was upon was the lovelinesse of Jesus Christ Canticles 5. 16. He is altogether lovely whence he fully cleared that there was nothing below Christ that can be lovely or desirable and vvhatsoever could be desired it is abundantly in him from vvhence the Lord did really convince me of my folly in suffering of my affections to run out so strongly on such vain objects and so little on my Lord Iesus Christ and in the close speaking by vvay of comfort he had this passage That vvhen ever any poor soul did come into the presence of the Lord in prayer or hearing or any ordinance vvith a desire to have such a corruption mortified though for ends best knovvn to the Lord he may for the present suffer it in him yet vvould he record it in heaven as if it had been mortified for said he it vvas in the desire of that poor soul and though I suffer it yet I look upon it as if the soul had mortified it really and so for all other gracious desires the Lord looketh upon them as his and as done though never attained as he did Abrahams offering up his son Isaac and therefore he leaveth it upon record to posterity that he did offer him up though yet he did not do it because it vvas in his heart and intent to do it had not the Lord prevented vvhich together with many other pretious hints the Lord was pleased to leave with me this day which I beseech him to blesse me and make me to improve them to his praise and glory The second day of this 10. moneth I sought the Lord that he would be pleased if he saw meet to add one other day to me to vouchsafe his face and presence to me and give my soul some sight of him and prepare my heart to meet with him emptying out of it what ever might unfit me to come before him after which there fell a great damp upon my spirit considering that I had only in a formality sought this of him but could not expect that he should continue alwayes so graciously to a poor soul as I had begged of him being such an unworthy unfruitful creature that did so little improve all his appearances but O my soul how gloriously did the Lord break through all thy unbelief and go beyond all thy expectations in providing a most blessed glorious and seasonable word for thy soul answering the desires of thy heart also on the behalf of his servant that was to speak in his name this day shining forth gloriously in and through him insomuch that himself did bless the Lord for his appearance that day for which blesse the Lord O my soul and oh that all that is within me could blesse his holy name Oh the sensible truths that were hinted to my soul this day which I desire of the Lord I might never forget which were hinted from Psal 45. 7. from which our Pastor sweetly opened the love of Christ to righteousnesse which love he shewed us was that that made him lovely to God and to his Saints Now that he doth love as he shewed us appears in that this love to it was his very nature and therefore he is called the righteous and the Lord our righteousness yea it appears in that he hath through all kind of difficulties fulfilled all righteousnesse therefore with desire I have desired saith he to eat this passeover that so he might be ready to suffer and so to satisfie divine justice which is one part of his fulfilling righteousnesse yea he shewed that he loves righteousnesse in that salvation that he hath vvrought for us meriting by a full satisfaction to justice that so justice might glory in our salvation as vvell as mercy for hovvever wereceive all by grace yet Christ wrought it out by justice and payd a full price for it which shewed his love to righteousness and justice so that what ever God hath promised believers in his word it is a merited promise that Christ hath bought and paid
hypocrite or afraid to hear what conscience saith Oh how sweetly was this truth improved this day by application as first to teach us to admire the goodness of God in placing such a witness in every mans bosom yea how good it was for the Saints that this was set up in wicked men for some times there are actions done by wicked men against Gods people that there is no winess but their own consciences which testifie against them of all their hard speeches and thoughts and words and the like yea how good was it for the Saints also in this for had they not this witness in themselves how bitter would the reproaches of the World be to them We were exhorted to take heed how we walk towards conscience it being by God set as a Watch over us oh then take heed that we withdraw not from it Nay it is true it will follow you but labour to keep it in your sight and when you are to do any civil or religious Work call it in and say Conscience What sayest thou to this or that action Was it according to the will and mind of God and give it leave to speak out yea and give time also for oftentimes the affairs of the World hinder that conscience hath not time to speak its mind 2 To take heed we grieve it not for its complaints will be heard in Heaven therefore take heed of doing any thing against conscience 3. Awe it as a Judge and be content to be judged by it in all you do for it will be your Judge another day and will be an immortal Witness either in point of comfort or terror oh therefore awe it 1. Do you take of heed of slighting conscience or its Testimony for therein you commit great injury to God it being his Embassador and by him set in you 2. It is great folly also to stop its mouth For 1. All your hindering it or endeavouring to do so will but prove an aggravation of its Witness another day against you then it will tell you That it would have spoken plainly to you such and such a time but you would not hear you were so busie in the World or the like The reason why Saints do no more rejoice is because they walk no more in the testimony of their own consciences We were also exhorted in the conclusion to be very tender of doing any thing without a solemn Court of Conscience rashness is the worst evil Conscience is Gods Witness let it be yours give it full liberty therefore to speak and say all it can ask it again and again what it saith to this and that action and may be it will give thee that Testimony that through rashness and hastiness it had not time to speak or thou to hear it Oh what sensible hints were these to my poor soul if the Lord would but please to bless them effectually to me and help me to put them in practice daylie The Lord having seen meet to call our Brother Vilet ont of this World I heard that he was to be buryed at Fulham this Afternoon and our Pastor to preach which occasioned me greatly to desire to hear him which also I did though it was exceeding late at which time he spake from 1 Joh. 3. 2. Now are we the sons of â—od but it doth not yet appear what we shall be c. from which there were most seasonable blessed truths hinted to my soul That which he pressed was That what the Saints shall be it doth not appear Then he shewed it did not appear first to the Saints themselves 1. Because of the little light the Saints have of this glory nay if God should reveal more they could not bear it in this state 2. In regard of our not improvements of the discoveries made of our future estate 3. Because their present estate is compassed with sin and affliction both vvhich do obstruct the sight of this glory but more particularly the Reasons why it doth not appear he shewed were these 1. From the many diversions of the Spirit of Saints that turn them aside from beholding their glory to come how do the toyes and baubles of this World divert them from beholding of this and so their estate doth not appear to them 2. It comes from inconstancie of Spirit because their hearts do not dwell on those things no man is excellent in that his heart and thoughts dwell not upon so here 3. From the weakness of our Faith for we live novv by Faith but when Christ shall appear then you shall live by sight so that whilest you are here your sight is according to your Faith if your Faith be right and straight like Stephens then have you a strong sight of glory 4. It appears not from the remainders of corruptions that abide in us every sin vails the sight of this glory 5. God himself is pleased sometimes to exercise his Saints not only under darkness in the sight of their future estate but also of their present estate and so they walk in the dark and this God doth for high and holy ends and gives great instructions through it no his Saints to look up to him for life and wait on him for the manifestation of his love and their future estate and to make them see that it flows from nothing in them but from him only eternal life being not only the gift of God but even the light whereby we see it 2. This glory appears not to the World also and that 1. Because the World sees only the outside of a godly man his shell but they see not the glory of his inside they see their poverty and contempt and reproach c. but they see not the glorious working of God on their souls or operation of his spirit in them 2 It appears not to the World because the Saints have their Clouds upon them The best have their infirmities and these the World look most upon wicked men are blind and cannot see for spiritual things must be spiritually discerned because many times there are differences among the Saints themselves and this darkens their glory to the World who see them disputing about Religion and the like the World judgeth of their future Estate by their present condition if men flourish here then they judge well of them if they lie under troubles they judge them hated of God and thus God suffers this darkness about their future estate To humble his Saints and make them cry to him for light To manifest the sincerity of the Saints To set them a longing after Eternity where they shall have full and cleare sight To make glory appear glory indeed if the glittering here be glorious what shall the full be that it appears no is out of just judgement from God to this wicked World who do hate and contemn them therefore God wil not let them see their glory they shall only know it by feeling the contrary and the want of it There
were blessed discoveries given to judge our estate We were also instructed in all our present afflictions in this World still to remember it appears not yet what we shall be did you keep your eye on this how would it refresh you under all troubles Keep your eye then on Christ his appearances for there your fulness shall be But further to refresh the Saints they are at present the sons of God but know not the best of their estate you may be now under clouds and temptations but the best is behind it appears not now what you shall be And let this chear up your hearts The 8. day of this tenth month the Lord drew out my heart in the morning being the day of our Church-meeting to beg of him to go forth with us this day or else not to carry us out and withal That he would please to provide a blessed word a seasonable word for every poor soul that should in the sincerity of their spirit wait upon him that day and that he would please to speak some seasonable word to my soul that it may be a blessed testimony that his presence was with me begging also the pouring out of his spirit richly on them he should please to send to speak among us with much to this effect The nineth of this tenth month at night the Lord was pleased often to draw out my heart with some sence of his appearances as also my unfruitfulness under all former appearancs beseeching him to sanctifie all his appearances to my soul and help me to walk more watchfully and hearken more to the testimony of my own conscience in what ever I had done and not to sin against it with many such like desires begging this That as he had so sweetly encouraged my soul by these gracious hints the third of this month so that now he wovld please notwithstanding all my unworthiness and unfruitfulness yet to make good these gracious words of his wherein he hath said Sin shall not have Dominion over his people and that he would bruise Satan under their feet that he would never leave nor forsake them for which gracious blessed word of his I endeavoured to plead with him this Evening even upon the account of the full satisfaction the Lord Jesus had made to him that therefore these blessed words might be made good to my poor soul as also on the behalf of his servant our dear Pastor who the eighth of this eighth Month seemed exceeding sad which came with some power and sense upon my heart at this time beseeching the Lord if he had convinced him of any evil in him that he would also work it out of him and if there were any other oppression upon his spirit which was known to him that he would please to ease refresh comfort and fit him for the great work he hath called him to and also pour out his spirit upon him that he might have a real and sensible sight of the answers of those desires and that the Lord would please to direct him what and how to speak so as might be to the advantage of every of our souls who sincerely seek his face and presence And oh my soul how graciouslie did the Lord appear the next day being his Sabbath and gave in a gracious answer to these desires and gave forth far beyond them The 10th of this 10th Month being the Lords Day in the morning I sought the Lord for his most special presence in and with me this day that he would please to prepare a seasonable useful word for my soul and prepare my heart to meet with him that my soul might be enabled to bless and praise his Name for it and that he would please so eminently to appear that it might be written among the rewards of his love yea that it might come into my soul even as a special pledge of his love yea that he would please to pour out his spirit upon his servant and appear so eminently through him as that also he might be enabled to acknowledge it to his praise And oh my soul how richly and abundantly and fully did the Lord answer all these desires yea every of them in particular which were spread before him more at large then I am able to set down and truly the answers of them were much more large and full in which the Lord bowed down greatly even to the requests also to do more abundantly then I could ask or think and so he did begin even as soon I came to the Congregation filling my heart with great joy and expectation of his mercy from him even in the Psalm before Sermon the Psalm sung was Psal 22. 23. on which my soul joyfullie ran out and so both in Prayer and in Preaching how abundantlie did the Lord bow down and refresh my poor spitit and the spirit of our dear Pastor who in a most solemn manner again and again blessed the Lord for his appearances both in the dispensation of the Word also in the Lords Supper that was that day administred The Scripture spoken to us was Psal 45. 7. Thou hatest iniquity whence he shewed That Christ was lovely to his Saints for hating iniquity In opening hereof he shewed us what hatred was in man and what it was in Christ which as he said was not an action or passion but his very nature and will which putteth forth all his other Excellencies as his Power and his Wisdom c. to repel all that is contrarie to his Nature and Will which he further opened at large shewing us That all the object of Christs hatred was onely sin which is truly evil men hate that which they apprehend evil but Christs hatred is properly neither against men or Angels but only against sin and man onlie as he is under the power of sin and this hatred maketh him repel that which he hateth with all his power putting out all his Excellencies to the uttermost either for the destruction of sin in us or of us Thus Christ loved the nature of man and took it upon him yet when this love was turned into hatred by reason of the over-powering of sin which fighteth against the life of Christ and when this love of his comes to turn to hatred the hatred is the greater Now that Christ hateth sin appears both in the work of Redemption and Rejection In the work of Redemption when he comes to suppress sin in us he seemeth by this action to speak in this manner Rather then sin shall live in thee I will dye my blood shall rather go for it So in the Rejection the hatred of Christ shall kindle the fire of Hel about them But that Christ doth thus hate sin appears further by these things 1. By his dealings against it in the Creation Adam no sooner made but he falls and so boiling hot was Gods hatred against sin that before he gives him time for repentance or any parley he presently goes to his posterity
to which I had a great desire to go which accordingly I did though with some outward inconveniences and bodily danger desiring of the Lord that as he had begun in some good measure to shine in upon my heart this week so that he would please to make this blessed opportunity letting my soul have a sight of himself through that word that should be held out to me Thus waiting and depending upon the Lord for his appearance through this instrument of his I went to London at which time Mr. Simpson contrary to the expectation of most of his hearers and as I was told to his own intentions the week before had his eye and meditation turned and fixed upon that grand promise in Gen. 3. 15. which I do not know but that I may look upon as a special providence in which the Lord might aim even at the establishment of my poor and unsetled spirit which but the week before was exceedingly cast down the Lord having as I conceived much disappointed my expectation even of his own appearance In the entrance upon which Scripture and opening of it he shewed us that these words in Gen. 3. were spoken and denounced as a severe threatning to the Divel and not at all spoken either to the man or to the woman yet did they contein in them a most blessed promise yea all the promises which the Lord left both for Adam and Eve to lay hold upon from the consideration of which he took occasion to provoke us to lay hold upon all the hints of God and to let none of them slip in any dispensation of his to us yea to take notice of every word of promise or comfort that God holds out though in the midst of severe threatning as this here was in the further prosecution of which he put us upon such thoughts as these that that soul which is indeed made to hunger and thirst after Jesus Christ would be ready to snatch catch at the least crum of mercy yea were the soul indeed found of Christ it would be ready to beleeve upon very smal grounds there was also at this time that Scripture cited by him which we find recorded in Esai 50. at the beginning where the Lord as he shewed us seemeth to be very angry with that people who though they had played the harlot and therefore deserved justly to be put away yet was the Lord wrath with them because they said he had put them away when as yet he had not and therefore demanded of them where their bill of divorce was which together with several other precious truths then hinted to us took very much on my heart and greatly refreshed it even upon after reviews also but to all this the Lord was pleased to add one blessed opportunity more that week wherein he speak abundantly and I hope effectually to my heart by that servant of his Mr. Knight at that lecture at the Chappel at Fulham the very next morning being the fourth day of the week sending his servant as it were on purpose to speak to me in particular and to open unfold and expound all those gracious visits of Christ to my poor soul when it sate even in the valley and shadow of death shut up as it were in darkness and in an estate of nature shewing me how the Lord even then came in with light and life to me as also when I was under dark afflictions and sad apprehensions of the wrath of God from whence I conceived them to proceed in which estate also was the Lord pleased sweetly to visit my soul as also when I lay under darkness of unbeleese being full of doubts and fears and jealousies of God c. at this season and from this Scripture Luk. 1. 78 79 was the Lord pleased to unfold my soul that which I never had such a sight of how he had indeed visited my soul in all these estates as also what the issues of these his visitations were how he came in with light and life in all these conditions which the Lord now being pleased to open my eyes to see my soul was even swallowed up in the apprehension of it not knowing how to blesse and praise his name sufficiently for these his appearances Thus did the Lord follow on with one mercy and discovery upon the neck of another which all depended upon and as it were opened one another for this last day did the Lord discover in particular to my soul what those hints and gracious visitations on my soul wherein all these conditions which the day before he taught me I was to take such special notice of in the remaining part part also of the week was the Lord pleased to go on to settle and farther open these truths and give me to see his mighty hand and outstretched arm all along in it The next Lords day being the ninth of this eleventh moneth 1652. the Lord was pleased also to come in through that ministery he hath placed us under at Fulham with a seasonable word to back all this which was spoken by our Pastor Mr. Knight from Heb. 2. 2. that the words of God they are stedfast words abiding words words that shall certainly abide and be accomplished in their season Thus in these eight days now last past hath the Lord through and by his word and spirit been pleased to give into my soul a discovery of his gracious visitations of me for 〈◊〉 many years past And truly I think I should much rob the Lord of his Glory if I should not acknowledg him a God hearing prayer who was pleased even at this time in my apprehension so eminently to appear that I was constrained in spirit to acknowledg it and did and do desire that he may have the glory of it The Lord having of late thus begun to manifest his loving kindness to my soul there was at this time from Rom. 13. 11. this truth set home mightily upon my heart that this time of Gods appearance in way of love and mercy c. was the only blessed time in the world to that soul to whom he thus appears and a time which should of all times in the world be taken special notice of and carefully improved from whence I had further many seasonable instructions as That I should walk in the sight of Gods countenance while I enjoy it yea And work in it whiles I had it before or lest darkness come Joh. 12. 35 36. Joh. 9. 4. yea to do good in this time and opportunity whiles God thus shines upon the heart Gal. 6. 10. yea and to improve it to this end to lay up in store a good foundation for time to come even as men do in their tradings in the matters of this world 1 Tim. 6. 17 18 19. yea to redeem this time Ephes 5. 16. to think nothing too much to buy it out of the hands of hucksters out of the hands of all other businesses what ever in this world And
here I must needs say that though our Pastor spake much to this purpose and that sweetly a while since from 2 Cor. 6. 2. Behold now is the acceptable time behold now is the day of Salvation yet did it not take upon my heart in that way as these few hints did for the Lord had not then appeared to my soul in those manifestations of love as he did afterward and how ever these Scriptures do chiefly referre as I conceive to the time of the Gospel and Gods love to the souls of men in bringing of them home to himself yet that truth which was at this time chiefly set upon my heart was from the consideration of this present hint of time wherein the Lord through his rich grace in my Lord Jesus Christ had been pleased to cause his face to shine upon my soul The very next day being the 13 of this moneth in the morning when I was awaked as I lay in my bed I had that Scripture in Luk. 13. 11. brought fresh to my mind of that woman whom Sathan had bowed these eighteen years vers 16. whom Christ loosed with a perswasion before ever I began to count it that the time of my Thraldome under Sathan and sinne would run paralel with this as also my condition for saith the text she had a spirit of infirmity and was bowed together so as she could in no wise lift up her self and truly thus I found it had been with me for many years I had been bound by Sathan under unbeleefe and the corruptions of my own heart and so bowed together as I could in no wise lift up my self so as to give glory to God by beleeving and as for the time when I came to count it from the first time that the Lord was pleased to touch my heart with a sight and sense of my wretched condition and thereupon to occasion much trouble of spirit which was as I conceive about the year 1635. which reckoned untill the end of the year 1652 which was the first time that ever the Lord did upon real solid grounds speak any abiding word of comfort to me and so in any measure loosing me from those bands and I did find it to be just 18 years This same morning also a little while after there fell an other Scripture upon my heart which I found recorded in Psal 129. 1 2. Many a time have they afflicted me from my youth may I srael now say many a time have they afficted me from my youth yet have they not prevailed against me and hath it not been thus with my soul many a time hath it been afflicted with temptations and corruptions but through mercy they have not yet totally prevailed over me There was also two other Scriptures immediately after this set upon my heart this morning as first that in Psal 34. 6. This poor man cryed and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles even so this poor soul of mine hath cryed unto the Lord in my fears and he hath blessed be his name heard me and graciously delivered me out of all the fears and troubles that ever yet lay upon me And to back this for the future there was immediately that Scripture brought to my mind in Joh. 5. 19. He shall deliver thee in six troubles yea in seven there shall no evill touch thee the meditation whereof was exceeding sweet to my soul but whilst my soul lay under these enjoyments from the Lord which for a time even swallowed up my heart in the admiration of him yet notwithstanding suddenly after finding my heart exceedingly straightned to blesse and praise the name of this my God in such a manner and measure as my soul desired for all these wonderfull appearances to me I had this perswasion strongly darted into me that the Lord had some sharp affliction suddenly to lay upon me which I was fully possessed with expectation of which caused me to pour out my soul before the Lord beseeching him to fit me for it and sanctifie it unto me what ever it should be not knowing in what way or manner for to expect it apprehending it to be some sorer stroke than a little bodily affliction and because I apprehended that the sadest outward affliction that could come to me was the parting with my dear Mother I did therefore straightway apprehend this would be the trial at the thoughts of which I was at the present somewhat startled but within a few dayes on the 23 of this eleventh moneth was the Lord pleased to visit my poor body with much bodily distemper which seazed so upon my vitall spirits and so over-poured them which together with other distempers lay somewhat heavy upon the flesh in and under which if I know my own heart the greatest part of my trouble was that I could not find out what the mind of the Lord was in it in which inquiry there was some things the which were then presented to me as the ground of it as for instance The first thing that was darted into me was that the Lord did it to put a stop to me in this very act of recording the loves of the Lord to my soul who hath carried me as upon Eagles wings and as it were set me aloft Exod. 19. 4. so as no affliction or dispensation hath been able to do me hurt but have born yea forborn me and carried me all the dayes of old as he did his people Israel notwithstanding all my rebellions Esa 63. 9 10 12 15 16. and this suggestion for ought I know might come even from Sathan himself though I confesse it was presented upon a very faire account insinuating into me that it was out of the pride of my spirit which put me upon this action which caused my soul to make its address to the Lord beseeching him to search me and try my heart and my reines and withall begging of him that if there were any such corruption in the bottome which was not yet discovered to me that he would be pleased to reveal it and so put a stop to me in any actings whatsoever upon any such account And though upon the strictest search and inquiry that I was able to make into my own heart I could find little ground why I should altogether conclude with Sathan in this yet the very fear of it did for the space of half a year at least if I mistake not cause this work to cease untill it was again set with some weight upon my spirit as that which might make for the glory of my Lord and perhaps though weakly stammer out his praise when I shall be gathered into into my dust who was so unable to speak it out in my life and this I both did and do the rather beleeve to proceed from Sathan the great enemie of Soules because I find the Saints through the Scripture so ready to declare what great things the Lord had done for their soules Psal 34. 2.