your souls your precious and immortal souls your spiritual which are your greatest concernments till now you are grown old I would perswade you yea even beseech you to consider that now you have but a little time left to do your greatest work you have now but one hour In Matt. 20. 6 it is said that Christ went out about the eleventh hour when there was but one hour more to night to hire labourers into his vineyard So it is with you it is the eleventh hour your last hour Besides have you no eyes no ears to see and hear that many dye dayly and weekly how many goodly plants that God had planted in his own house have of late been plucked up by the roots and laid in their Graves yea every day the death of young and old do ring a peal in our ears to awaken us to consider what is to come And will not Conscience it self think you ring a dreadful peal in our ears when we come to dye for that neither a voice from the Grave nor yet a voice from the Temple have yet prevailed with us to seek and secure to our selves an interest in God and in Christ Younger persons than our selves are often taken away and may we not thereby see and read that death it self is coming to teach us all to be prepared and in readiness for this our great change Death lies as it were in Ambuscado for us and sometimes men are taken away by it in the field and sometimes at home sometimes by this and sometimes by that disease but death comes to old age aperto marte in the plain and open field as it were and old men and old women cannot imagine that death is many days march from them and therefore they of all persons had need to seek after God and an interest in Christ night and day seek after this in your Houses in your Closets in your Beds in his Ordinances yea where-ever he is to be found and not to give over seeking till with the Spouse before mentioned you have found him 2. Consider how Christ calls on you in the Text. Read the begining of the Chapter Doth not wisdom cry and understanding put forth her voice vers 1. From whence She standeth in the top of high places by the way in the places of the paths vers 2. She cryeth at the gates at the entry of the city at the coming in at the doors vers 3. To whom doth she cry Vnto you O men I call and my voice is to the sons of men vers 4. What doth she call to them for That they would come and seek wisdom of Christ that they would come and get understanding of him that they would come and get knowledg of him which is wisdom indeed The fear of the Lord that is wisdom indeed Doth Christ thus call and will you not regard nor answer this call What then will be his next call For ought I know it may be this Arise from the dead and come to judgment Consider this 3. And Lastly Consider your grand inducement and incouragement They that seek me early shall find me They that will yet seek him that is your early and God acconnts it so In Psal. 78. 34 When he slew them then they sought him and they returned and enquired early after God While grace is proclaimed while God says They that seek me early shall find me This I say is your early and that which God himself accounts so and will God yet be found of you if you seek him Oh! what cause have you to bless God that ever he made such a promise as this which is Tabula post naufragium And that in Isa. 55. 6 7 Seek ye the Lord while he may be found call upon him while he is near Oh wonderful grace that such promises should be published to you and me I love them that love me and those that seek me early shall find me And now I shall no longer be burdensom to you but shall beg of you Children for whom I have provided a few words a short Sermon To hearken to your own Sermon c. Thirdly A word of Exhortation or a short Sermon to young ones Children seek the Lord early whiles you are yet tender and young The Children of their dear deceased Mother should hear her always saying what the Lord said to her They that seek me early shall find me O little Children you lye much upon my heart Remember your Creator in the days of your youth and seek him betimes Eccles. 12. 1. 1. Consider you must dye It is appointed to all men once to dye Heb. 9. 27. And you may dye whiles you are Children How many pretty little ones are every day taken away before your eyes And if you be snatcht away by the cold hand of death before you know God and have found Christ what will become of your precious and immortal souls Would you be willing to dye and be damn'd Would you leave this world and be content to be turn'd into Hell and be punished with the Devil and his Angels Can you think of losing your Friends and your God too for ever 2. Consider what was the great errand upon which God sent you into the world Not to gratifie your Lusts nor to pursue lying vanities but to know God and Jesus Christ. And will you dare you neglect your special work O! whiles you are in your prime mind what you have to do for your souls Can you think it reasonable that the Devil should have your youth the flower and strength of your days and God be serv'd only with a crazy body or the rottenness of old Age O then delay no longer but seek the Lord. And. 1. Do it speedily the Mannagatherers must go forth betimes Exod. 16. 21 so must the Christ-seekers before the Sun be up before the heat of youthful lusts or earthly cares hinder your diligent seeking 2. Do it in earnest with all your hearts Psal. 119. 2 Blessed are they that keep his testimonies that seek him with their whole heart 3. Resolve to seek the Lord till you find him in glory not only while your Father Mother or Friends live but as long as you live It was a sad story in Gen. 35. 19 That Rachel dyed when she was but a little way from Ephrath But more sad Luk. 13. 24 When many shall seek to enter into Heaven and not be able 3. Consider That if you seek him early you shall be sure to find him I would bespeak you as David did his young Solomon 1 Chron. 28. 9 And thou Solomon my son know thou the God of thy Father and serve him with a perfect heart and with a willing mind for the Lord searcheth all hearts and understandeth all the imaginations of the thoughts if thou seek him he will be found of thee but if thou forsake him he will cast thee off for ever It was a very serious speech of Azariah to Asa and to all
particulars by which he eminently makes known the intireness of his indeared love to his Saints and by the same ways I shall shew you by and by that the Saints of God 〈◊〉 express their love to Jesus Christ. 1. First of all he discovers and makes known his love to his Saints in denying himself of all the glory he had with his Father in leaving those Regions above that he might come down and gather his Saints together that he might redeem them out of the hands of Hell and deliver them out of the House of their Prison and bondage Rev. 1. 6 Vnto him that loved us and washed us from our sins in his own blood he gave his heart blood for us Phil. 2. 5 6 7 Who being in the form of God thought it no robbery to be equal with God Gods fellow coequal with the Father What did he do why He made himself of no reputation and took upon him the form of a Servant and was made in the likeness of men And being found in fashion as a man he humbled himself and became obedient unto death even the death of the cross Was not here love Greater love hath no man than this That a man lay down his life for his friend yet this was greater love for Christ laid down his life for his enemies Rom. 5. 10. 2. He manifests his intire love to his Saints in the delight he hath in their communion and in fellowship with them Christ is never better pleased or more delighted than when his Saints are in communion and fellowship with him When and Where-ever two or three are gathered together in my name there is my heaven here I delight to dwell If you read over this 8th Chapter of Proverbs it the 31 verse you shall see the â—edundancy of Christs love to his people before ever he had a people they were his contemplative delight that he should come down and be with them and give himself for them Rejoycing in the habitable part of his earth and my delights were with the sons of men Do but read Cant. 7. 5 and there you shall see how the Spouse her self takes notice of the delight her Beloved takes in communion with her The King says she is held or bound as in the Margin in the Galleries What are the Galleries why they are the Ordinances wherein he promises to meet his Saints the King will sit at his round Table he will walk with them in the Galleries in private communion he is held or bound there That is he takes so much pleasure and delight he is taken so much with the beauty he hath put upon his Saints that to speak it with reverence he cannot tell how to go from them and leave them as a man with his best beloved is bound as it were with chains of love 3. And lastly Christ manifests his love to his Saints in the earnest longing he hath to have them with him in his glory When any one sinner is converted it is said there is joy in heaven the King of Saints rejoyceth all the Angels and Saints sing together there is I say joy in Heaven when one sinner comes in Christs sends forth his Angels to entertain them and to bring them into his Fathers presence nay he leads them in himself In Joh. 14. 2 3 Christ tells his Disciples In my Fathers house are many mansions if it were not so I would have told you I go to prepare a place for you And if I go and prepare a place for you I will come again and receive you unto my self that where I am there yâ—â— may be also And you may read at your leisure that ravishing Chapter Joh. 17 and if you read it with understanding and your souls go with your eyes be it spoken with reverence to such a glorious God and King as he is you will perceive that he seems not satisfied with his own glory at the right hand of the Majesty on high without the Company of his dear-bought Saints that he hath bought with his own blood Read especially the 22 23 24 verses And the glory that thou gavest me I have given them that they may be one even as we are one Vers. 23 I in them and thou in me that they may be made perfect in one and that the world may know that thou hast sent me and hast loved them as thou hast loved me Vers. 24 Father I will that they also whom thou hast given me be with me where I am that they may behold my glory which thou hast given me for thou lovedst me before the foundation of the world Then Christs Mediatory Kingdom will be compleated and the shame and sufferings that were undergon by him will be answered when he hath gathered his Saints to himself to behold his glory 3. And now I shall shew you the second part if we turn the Table then we shall see that the Saints of God in their measure and according to their strength those that are truly such do love the Lord Jesus with all their hearts and you find it not thus with you you have reason to be jealous of and to suspect your selves I say the true Saints of God do love the Lord Jesus with all their hearts Whom having not seen ye love iâ— whom though now you see him not yet believing ye rejoyce with joy unspeakable and full of glory 1 Pet. 1. 8. Whom having not seen ye love with such a love as raises your hearts it is Amor vulnerans ligans c. a love as one says that wounds that strikes them to the very heart a love that binds their souls to Christ which made the Spouse cry out Cant. 2. 5 Stay me with flagons comfort me with apples for I am sick of love The truth is you may imagine that it is an Hyperbolical expression but indeed there is no expression that can fully set it out and therefore you see how the Spouse hangs as it were on the lips of Christ Cant. 1. 2 Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth for thy love or loves is better than wine And every Saint while he is in the wilderness in his Wilderness-state leans on his beloved What would a Saint have in any condition None but Christ Christ is his All in all 4. And therefore in the second place I shall shew you That the Saints of God do mutually and reciprocally express and discover their love to Jesus Christ in their measure in their degree as he makes known his love to them As 1. They express their love to Christ in denying all for him Christ left a Kingdom and all the glory of his Fathers House But alas the Saints of God they have nothing to leave in comparison of what he left They that leave Houses Lands Mannors Kingdoms for Christ all this is little I say in comparison of what Christ left for them but the truth is whatever the Saints have all that they have they will lay at
living comfort That God loves you and that you have had an heart truly to love God and you know that he loves you by your love to him and your love to God being as it were the transcript of Gods Love to you in your souls And indeed which may raise your admirings where God loves and whom he loves he never leave he never ceases to love Rom. 8. 38 39 For I am perswaded saith the Apostle there that neither death nor life nor Angels good or bad Angels nor principalities nor powers nor things present nor things to come Nor height nor depth nor any other creature shall be able to seperate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 2. Use of exhortation to them that truly love the Lord Jesus Dear Saints you that have indeed a true love to God and do by that see his love to your souls Oh keep your selves in the love of God To that end Direct 1. Set a high price on this grace that is wrought in you and as the Apostle says let it be your great care to preserve and to keep life in this love of yours to Jesus Christ. Jude vers 21 Keep your selves in the love of God looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life And for this purpose 1. First of all consider the worth of this love to Christ what an excellent and wonderful grace this is to have a heart truly to love the Lord Jesus Christ. 1. It is that which is the clearest evidence of the Love of God it gives you all your life and comfort in a time of darkness in a dark day to know by your love to Jesus Christ that he loves you and that the Father loves you there is no such clear evidence as this in all the World If a man had all the treasures of gold and silver in the world he could not read the love of God in them but in your true love to Jesus Christ you may When you walk in darkness and can see no light this is that spark of light that will give you light when you are at a loss When it is dark round about us when we can see little or no faith little or no hope little or no strength that we have let us then inquire and see whether we have any love and if we have any true love to Christ this will give us light and life Rom. 8. 28 We know that all things says the Apostle work together for good To whom to them that love God If one should ask me this question Why is the promise made to those that love God I answer because the Saints do want somewhat to comfort to support and relieve them in a dark day and when all other light fails and we can see no faith find no holiness this will never fail them If there be once true love to Christ there will be some spark remaining that will administer comfort to them in the darkest day 2. Consider with your selves that if you preserve and keep up this love this love to Jesus Christ in your hearts it will work in you a likeness to Christ And can you desire to be like any person that you love better or that is more exactly and perfectly pure and holy that is more lovely than Christ This true love is a fire that makes all things like it self true love to God is of an assimilating vertue it will make us like to God and like to Christ whom we love Love is like a Looking-glass if you turn the Glass downward there will appear nothing but the representation of earth and terrestrial creatures all earth but if you turn it upward then there will appear Heaven and celestial and the urseen glory of another world unseen as to our bodily eyes but visible to the eye of faith If we give forth our love to Christ why then all Christ all Heaven and all holiness is on the soul. Direction 2. Be diligent and exact on your watch if you do prize and set any value upon this love to Jesus Christ endeavour to keep it as you would keep your lives keep it as you would keep the best Jewel in the world nay the world cannot give cannot afford you such another Jewel This Christ hath bought for you with his own most precious blood by his death his shameful and accursed death and therefore you have reason great reason to keep it safe for its own worth and because it is of so great use as hath been before mentioned because it will be a light to you in a dark in the darkest day and because it will make you like God and like Christ take heed therefore lest it be stoln from you or abated in you As persons that have a Jewel of great price and value will be often looking into the place where they laid it up to see whether it be safe so this spark of Divine fire which is put into and laid up in our Souls is a Jewel of matchless and inestimable price How therefore should we inquire concerning it how it is with us as to our love to God and Christ We should be trying and examining our selves whether Wives or Children or any earthly Relations or worldly concernments or enjoyments have not stoln away our hearts or abated our love We should say to our own hearts in this case as Christ to Peter on another account Lovest thou me more than those Joh. 21. 15 16 17. So we should say to our hearts Dost thou love Jesus Christ dost thou love him indeed and in earnest dost thou love him better than these than these Children these pretty little Idols that are set up before our eyes dost love him better than all creature-comforts and relations dost love him better than all earthly treasures better than thy estate better than all the world better than all these Yea better than Heaven it self without Christ Thus I say we should still be examining our hearts and see how it is with us as to our love to Christ for to tell you the truth our hearts are very treacherous I know not how it is with yours but I find it so with mine and that it is a very hard matter to keep up that height of love to Jesus Christ as there should be The Prophet Jeremiah tells us Jer. 17. 9 That the heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked who can know it And as it is so in general so especially with God the heart is more inclined to be treacherous with God and in things relating to God than in any other things and therefore we have great need to look well to them to be diligent and exact upon our watch in reference to this love to Christ. Direct 3. If God hath vouchsafed this grace to you as he hath made you partakers of his love and given you the transcript or reflection thereof be you sure that you love him again and be you
15 It is here said of him that from a Child he had known the Holy Scriptures which were able to make him wise to salvation Oh let it be truly so said of you Vse 1. Of Information The folly and inadvertency of the most of the Sons and Daughters of men who seek the world serve their lusts pursue lying vanities and forget God and seek him not Oh what cause have we to complain of Children of Parents and Masters of Families how little care there is among any of an early seeking after Christ Parents generally teach their Children to seek pride to seek the lusts and pleasures of this world and their carnal delights But who is there that goeâ— forth early to seek the Lord We can rise early for the world go from Mountain to Hill to seek after the Profits thereof Isa. 5. 11 The Drunkard will rise early that he may follow strong drink the Thief watches the twilight but none seek the Lord. Vse 2. Exhort To those that have sought the Lord while they were young and do yet continue to seek him I have a word or two to you 1. The first is to advise you to admire exceedingly to admire the goodnefs of God to you in that he ever gave you hearts to seek him Oh wonderful grace that you that were born at the same time with others have sate under the same means with them that never yet have lookt towards Heaven and their souls are now perhaps dropt into Hell Oh I say admire exceedingly admire that God gave you and not them an heart to seek after him to mind Christ and Heaven and the great concern of your souls and surely you cannot but admire it if you consider how little of man there was in it and how much of man there was against it When did ever a straying Sheep seek the Shepherd When ever did the wild-Goats look after one to lead them If Jesus Christ had not found you first you would never have sought after him if he had not found you you would or could never have found him if he had not took hold of your hearts it had been impossible for you to lay hold on him It is utterly impossible for any man in his natural estate and condition to seek after Jesus Christ this is a work that never will or can be done unless God give a new heart and a new spirit there wants something within to promote and effect this work which God only can and must give 2. You that have so done you that have sought the Lord early I would advise you to go on and to persist in seeking Christ and as you go on forget not what sweet experiences you have had of the love and kindness of Jesus Christ what discoveries of light and grace what comforts and revivings what refreshing joys and delights you have met with in your seeking of him these things ought not to be forgotten by you And here I shall set before you the worthy example of a Knight of 80 years of age who two or three days before he dyed set a-part a day on purpose to call to mind the former experiences he had of God and of what kind and how God had dealt with him in his waiting upon him in his Ordinances from time to time And I am informed that this dear servant of God that is now gone hath left behind her a Diary written with her own hand what experiences she had of God in her waiting upon him in his Ordinances and how and what God had spoken to her and by what Ministers And these examples are worthy both of your serious consideration and also excellent patterns for your imitation But 3. You that have so done you that have sought God and Christ early I would advise you to go on in seeking the Lord till you have found him in his glory As you have in your seeking found him in a way of grace here so go on I say till you have found him in his glory hereafter what darkness and difficulties soever lye in the way of your waiting upon him in his Ordinances and appointments that you may be like the Church of Thyatira and that it may be truly said of you as it is said of that Church Rev. 2. 19 I know thy works and charity and service and faith and thy patience and thy works and thy last to be more than the first This Testimony Christ himself gives concerning this Church The nearer you come to Christ and to enjoyment of him in glory the more haste you should make every thing in nature does so a Stone the nearer it comes to the center the swifter is its motion And the Sun seems to move swiftest when it is near setting Trees of Gods planting bring forth more fruit in old age Psal. 92. 13 14 Those that are planted in the house of the Lord shall flourish in the Courts of our God They shall still bring forth fruit in old age they shall be fat and flourishing See Isa. 49. 29 30 31. 2. I have a word of advice to them if there be any such here that are full of days and it may be full of the world but empty very empty of the knowledg of God and have had little or it may be no acquaintaince at all with Jesus Christ nor did ever look after any We may perhaps say as Job said Job 12. 12 13 With the ancient is wisdom and in length of days understanding With him is wisdom and strength he hath counsel and understanding But is it always so Is there wisdom and understanding always among the aged Be there not among them such as are like Ephraim of whom it is said Hos. 7. 9 10 Gray hairs are here and there upon him yet he knoweth it not And the pride of Israel testifieth to his face and they do not return to the Lord their God nor seek him for all this They do not consider the grave whither they are going Be there not careless men and women among us that do not yet look out after Christ that do not provide for the welfare of their souls but are cumbred about many things as Martha was Yea many aged men and aged women who have lived all their days pudling in and about the world and worldly concerns and have hitherto neglected the one thing necessary viz. seeking after Christ and the knowledg of him and to get an interest in him Do you not yet know that you are going to appear before the Judgment-seat of Christ And will you not yet come off from this world but the longer you live you will love the world so much the better Is it not high time that something of the concernments of another world should interpose between your life and your death I shall offer you only two or three considerations in reference to this 1. And first I would beseech you and perswade you as I would be perswaded my self That seeing you have hitherto neglected
Relations of this deceased Saint to let them see how little cause they have to mourn and to afflict their souls but the Lord who knows how to speak comfort infinitely better hath been with their hearts Only let not the Husband grieve and say Ah! what a dear Wife have I lost nor the Children say what a dear Mother have we lost But rather 1. Consider What she hath found She hath found that which â—he hath been seeking all her days â—he hath found that God that Christ that Heaven that Bosom and those embraces that she waited and long'd for 3. Consider You will never be happy till you be where she is gone before you 3. Consider It is but a very little while and you shall see her again as Augustine comforted his Italica concerning her dead Husband and let you and I and all of us mind our work and be upon our march towards Heaven taking our encouragement from the Text where the Lords makes a proclamation of Grace I love them that love me and those that seek me early shall find me FINIS POSTCRIPT NOW though the Husband of our Deceased Friend has been somewhat averse from publishing any thing of her own yet being at last prevail'd upon I shall commend to the Reader some particular Experiences of the Lords early dealing with her soul as I have found them written by her own hand First I find this Position laid down by her in her own Book viz. That very many Scriptures do imply a possibility that a believer may know that he is elected of God and that his election is of free grace through our Lord Jesus Christ unto holiness which shall end in glory Phil. 2. 12 13. 2 Cor. 13. 5. 2 Pet. 1. 10. with very many more which I shall forbear to mention On which ground she proceeds to take a particular account of her own spiritual estate as follows IT hath been much upon my thoughts to write some of those Scriptural Experiences which I have found and received great comfort in from the Word of God being as I judg brought home to my soul by the Spirit And being now past the Fortieth year of my age not knowing how soon the Lord may call having always had a desire to be on my watch that I may be found ready and willing when ever my Lords time is This Mercy I have been begging many years I can truly say for some Months past I have had no rest in my spirit till I began to write these things and after fasting and prayer by my self while in doubt what to do fearing the falsness of my own heart I was encouraged by a Sermon that I heard on these words in Psal. 77. 1â— I will remember the works of the Lord surely I will remember thy wonders of old Where was much pressed the duty of Christians To relate what God had done for them And out of the longing desire I have for the good of you my dear Little ones that you may value the precious Word of God wherein your Mother hath found so much comfort you two that is SA and MA. are the only remnant that God hath spared and blessed be God that hath left us as to this day a Berry or two You are the children of many prayers the Lord grant you may be blessed with all spiritual blessings in Christ Jesus and make you serviceable while you live and fit you for an inheritance among the Saints in light In order to that I beg you in the name and fear of God that you highly prize the Word of God and every Ordinance of Jesus Christ appointed in his Word I would say with David Come my Children hearken unto me and I will tell you what he hath done for my soul Psal. 34. 11. Psal. 66. 16. I have found the Word read and preached yea many a Scripture that I could not remember I read or heard preached on yet it hath pleased my gracious God to send many a word to relieve and comfort my soul his word hath been to me a convincing word a reproving an instructing and a very comforting word and that my soul knoweth by great experience I intend if the Lord permit and will send his Spirit to bring things to my remembrance without that I can do nothing to set down the kindness of the Lord from my Childhood that was pleased to begin with me be-times O the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledg of God c. Rom. 11. 33 34 35 36. I can remember while a Girl at school about the age of nine or ten I took great delight in reading the stories in the Scripture which did much affect me Afterward I was more taken with the New Testament that did reveal more of Christ to me Then I began to pray as I was able I do not remember that I ever did make use of any written or printed form The first sin that I remember troubled me was telling my Father a lye and it had this aggravation with it that he told me If I would tell him how it was he would believe me rather than my Brothers and Sisters and out of fear of them I said as they did but with a very trembling heart which much troubled me some years after this when I begun to hearken to the word Preached where I heard that sin set out I was much affected and mourned much under the sense of sin seeing a burden in it I desired to look after a remedy The first Minister that I remember I hearkned to was Mr. H. of Kensington where my Father was in the summer I did then begin to understand my state by nature how under the wrath and curse of God Then I began to see my need of and did desire after Jesus Christ being as I thought then willing to take him on his own terms Jesus Christ was then as I thought precious to me and being willing to understand my own case and condition it pleased the Lord to open my heart to hearken diligently to the word Preached wherein I found much comfort which ingaged my heart unto the Lord and made me unwilling to neglect any duty which he commanded or to commit any sin which the Lord forbids This I well remember to be the frame of my spirit near thirty years ago Hearing much that it was the end of life to glorfie God it made the earnest breathings of my soul to be this Oh but how shall I glorifie God! After this by a Providence I heard Mr. M. at Westminster my Father being there for some months he was on that Scripture 2 Chron. 15. 17. Nevertheless the heart of Asa was perfect all his days I took great delight to hear him being often angry he had done so soon My soul was much refreshed by the signs and marks he gave of a perfect heart I did usually go from hearing into my Chamber and beg earnestly of God for a perfect heart in which as I thought I
saw more of value than in any injoyments whatever it was what did concern my spiritual estate I begun to be much troubled about how such a poor sinful creature that was by natnre under the wrath and curse of God should escape this I did believe as I had been taught it was by a Redeemer I did also believe that there was no name given under Heaven by which I must be saved but the Lord Christ Jesus I did also much hearken to the tenders of Christ in the Gospel and how he invited sinners to himself and that he offered himself freely this gave me encouragement But as I had read and heard it was a strait gate and a narrow way few that find it this made me very careful lest I should be deceived And here came in the great question But how shall I know that God in Christ will accept me For many are called but few chosen God hath mercy on whom he will and it is not of him that willeth nor of him that runneth but of God that sheweth mercy This made me very diligent to hearken to marks and signs of grace The first that I remember troubled me was this understanding it was the common lot of all Gods People through many afflictions to enter into heaven This did much trouble me at that time and I was apt to think I should be able to bear any thing that God would lay on me so it might evidence to me the love of God to my soul but fool that I was I judged too soon for when it pleased the All-wise God to try me I quickly saw that my strength was but small by my fainting so much as I did in a day of adversity which by many sad experiences I can shew how unable to bear any thing when tryed However then I thought I could bear any thing from with out so all might be well within After this by a Providence I came to hear Mr. V. at St. Olaves the first Sermon that I heard him was on these words And all the things thou canst desire are not to be compared unto her Prov. 3. 15. Wherein was set out the value of Jesus Christ above all that the world afforded which very much wrought on my heart with great longing after this Christ but still came this question How shall you know your interest However it pleased God so to bless his Ministry to me that usually I found my doubts so resolved and my heart so opened that I went away with great joy and comfort but for all this I was perplexed with dreadful thoughts after I had such peace and joy then Satan begun to work indeed I but is there such a God and such a Christ to be believed in How to answer this temptation I was at a great loss and would tell none what did ail me I mourned much under it and thought I questioned whether there was a God or no yet then I did not neglect praying and did as it were pour out my soul daily unto God for victory that he would not give me up to an unbelieving heart and of his free-grace who knew my soul in adversity by his word to send me relief Going to hear on a Lecture-day he then Preached on these words Hos. 2. 7. I will go and return to my first husband for then was it better with me than now It pleased God so to order it that he gave great caution against such thoughts saying Take heed poor soul when the Devil casteth in such thoughts Is there a God or a Christ Take heed for then Satan will have you in his snare This with many other things was set home on my heart then he did convince me by appealing to the Saints experience Is it not better to entertain good thoughts of God and of Christ was it not better with you then than now The Lord gave me so to close in with the truth of that word that I had great joy and peace through believing and went home full of comfort that God had so met me with a word By that means it pleased the Lord to give check to those unbelieving thoughts that so overcame me And yet to this day I have great cause to mourn for that unbelief I find in my heart notwithstanding all the experiences that God hath given me that Scripture doth often reprove me Heb. 3. 12. Take heed lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief in departing from the living God After this I kept waiting at the posts of Wisdoms gate that I might understand the state of my soul which was the one thing necessary that I desired to look after and finding by the word Preached that the usual way and method of God was to strike the soul down as he did them in the second of the Acts and the Jaylor and the like this did raise in me great doubts what to think of my self because I could not find in my self such convictions of and humiliation for sin as was pressed and as to Original sin it did not seem much to affect me this did bring me into great fears However I took that way I had found comfort in which was by prayer to the Lord to bless his word to me Mr. V. was then on this Text Ephes. 2. 8. By grace are ye saved through faith and that not of your selves it is the gift of God To this I diligently hearken'd and received great support for all my objections seemed to be answered yet for all this I did as it were refuse to be comforted he being on signs of grace closed the Text with these two marks 1. A souls going on in a way of duty was a very hopeful sign 2. But the Spirit of God was the only infallible witness the spirit it self beareth witness with our spirit that we are the Children of God The first did comfort me the second did very much trouble me for I could not understand the meaning of the spirits witness which fearing lest I should be deceived in a matter of so great a concern made me give all diligence in reading and hearing that my doubts might be resolved but as yet no rest in my spirit and the more increased being the time to go into the Country where usually our family was this added much to my grief to be taken off from hearing Mr. V. I began to look more into the Scriptures and to pick up whatever did come suddenly into my mind and it pleased God to cast in many that seemed to comfort me which I wrote down in that year But then came this question These are marks and signs that belong to such and such Saints in Scripture But what is this to thee These thoughts much cast me down what to do I knew not but kept still praying and waiting on God and I found speedy relief when I least thought of it My Father being at Hammersmith I went constantly to hear there and that Summer several City-Ministers