abounding of all Sin and Wickedness more and more The Lord enable me to do and suffer his Will and let me have his Presence and his Promise made good not to suffer me to be tempted above what he will inable me to bear 1 Cor. 10. 13. and that I may readily let all go for Christ if I am called to it The Lord grant I may be made meet to be Partaker of the Inheritance of the Saints in Light and get my Evidences for Heaven ready which through the Assistance and Help of God I desire to go about The Lord grant I may not be deceived but may gather such Evidences as will hold out and bear me up in the midst of Troubles and Trials yea in the Hour of Death and the Day of Judgment The Lord in infinite Mercy sanctifie to me the Death of others God hath of late taken away many of my Neighbours Acquaintance Friends and Relations Ministers as well as others a little while since Mr. Pledger and Mr. Wells in one Day O that all may be sanctified and especially the Death of my Wife that I may yet make such use of that Providence as the Lord would expect and be ready and prepared for my own Departure hence whensoever it shall please my dear God and Father to call me home Being now about to enter here what I have to shew for a Work of Grace in my Heart and a Right and Title to Heaven I desire of the Lord to help me in this great Affair that I may not be deceived but that what I here enter may be the true State of my Soul and that which will hold out and yield me Comfort in an Hour of Distress It hath been in my Thoughts several times to enquire what I had to shew for my Hope of Heaven that which ran most in my Mind was Faith and Repentance which upon diligent Search of my Heart I hope I have First For Faith If I have true Faith I shall certainly be saved so saith the holy Scriptures He that believes shall be saved Joh. 3. 16. For God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoeever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Now Faith in Christ is described in the Assemblies Catechism to be a saving Grace whereby we receive and rest upon Christ alone for Salvation as he is offered to us in the Gospel which I hope I desire to do I hope I do most heartily desire to take Christ on his own Terms as King Priest and Prophet in all his Offices and am willing to be ruled by him as well as saved by him I hope I desire to rest upon Jesus Christ alone for Salvation and own no other Saviour but him I hope I have the Faith of Reliance to rest and center in Christ I hope I can with all my Soul throw my self upon the Mercy of God in Christ and if I perish to perish there trusting in him that I shall not perish Blessed be God! I am often lifting up my Heart to Christ O my dear Jesus Blessed Jesus on thee on thee alone I rest when I am in Fears and Doubts and Troubles I hope I desire to say with the Church In the Lord have I Righteousness and Strength Righteousness for Justification and Strength for Sanctification and the subduing of Sin I hope I desire to renounce any Trust in my own Righteousness and Duties and wholly to rely and rest upon Jesus Christ When I have performed any Duty I desire to own that I deserve Hell for the sinful Imperfections of it yea for the best Duty I can perform And to have my Trust only in the Death and Merits Satisfaction and Intercession of Christ Tho' Spiritual Pride is very apt to rise in me yet I hope I do not allow it the Lord set my Heart more against it I hope I desire with the Apostle Phil. 3. 9. to be found in him not having my own Righteousness which is of the Law but that which is through the Faith of Christ the Righteousness which is of God by Faith I hope Christ is precious to me now that is an Evidence of Faith 1 Pet. 2. 7. To you that believe he is precious I hope I desire to prize Christ above all the World and if I know my Heart I would not part with the Hopes I have by Christ of Heaven for ten thousand Worlds I hope I desire to prize Jesus Christ as the Chiefest of ten thousand altogether lovely The Lord make me upright in this Matter that I may see the Worth and Excellency that is in him so as to be in love with him Secondly For Repentance If I have that Grace I am sure to be saved Acts 3. 19. Repent ye therefore and be converted that your Sins may be blotted out when the Times of refreshing shall come from the Presence of the Lord. Luke 13. 3. Except ye repent ye shall all likewise perish therefore if we do repent we shall not perish Now Repentance is described to be a saving Grace whereby a Sinner out of the true sense of his Sin and apprehension of the Mercy of God in Christ doth with grief and hatred of his Sin turn from it unto God with full purpose of and endeavours after new Obedience I hope the Lord hath wrought this Repentance in me I hope he hath given me a true Sight and Sense of Sin and that I am convinced of the Evil and Danger of it I hope I have an apprehension also of the Mercy of God in Christ I do not at all doubt but there is Mercy enough in God through Christ to forgive and pardon the greatest Sins if they are repented of The Lord hath declared himself to be the Lord God gracious and merciful pardoning Iniquity Transgression and Sin Exod 34. 6. I hope I desire to be truly sorry for all my Sins to grieve and mourn for them tho' my Heart be hard yet I hope I could be glad if it were broken that I could mourn more for my Sins Surely it hath been a Trouble to me many times in Confession of Sin that I could not mourn and weep and was not affected as I desired I hope I desire to hate Sin also the Lord work a true Hatred of all Sin more and more in me I hope I desire to turn from all Sin unto God with full purpose of Heart to cleave to him I hope the Bent of my Soul is right for God tho' I have many Failings and Miscarriages I hope the full Purpose and Resolution of my Heart is for God and his Ways It being upon my Mind what I had further to note that might be an Evidence of Grace I hope these things following which it pleased God to bring to my Thoughts may be some ground to believe God hath wrought savingly upon me Surely I do confess my Sins often to the Lord in secret and desire to have my Heart penitently affected with them and
SOME ACCOUNT OF THE Holy Life and Death OF Mr. HENRY GEARING Late Citizen of London Who departed this Life January the 4th 1693-4 Aged 61. By JOHN SHOWER The Second Edition With the Trial and Character of a Real Christian collected out of his Papers for the Examination of himself From which several other Particulars are added for the Instruction Encouragement and Imitation of Christians LONDON Printed for John Lawrence at the Angel in the Poultrey 1699. To my Respected Friends Mrs. HANNAH GEARING The Widow AND Mrs. Mary Fisher Mrs. Eliz. Billinghurst Mrs. Ann Roberts The Children of Mr. HENRY GEARING WHen God hath taken any of our holy Relations from us who were ready for the Heavenly Mansions made meet for the Rest Peace and Joy of the upper better World we should rejoice in the Grace of God towards them with Thankfulness owning our Mercy that they lived so long to glorifie God here and be useful to us and others It would be very unreasonable to lament their Departure out of any Pretence of our Affection to them and no less unkind to wish that for our sakes they should not have died or should return from Paradise to our sinful troublesome World But we know they shall not come to us the only way therefore to meet them with Comfort is to remember their Instructions follow their Counsels and imitate their Faith and Holiness their Integrity and Self-denial and resolved persevering Obedience to God The Prayers and Pattern of such an Husband and of such a Father as yours is a Blessing for which God expects your Praises Tho' in the former Relation it was enjoyed but a little while long enough however to make you Madam bless God for him and unfeignedly to value and honour his Memory while you live May his Grace supply and help you to improve this Breach To you his Children I most earnestly recommend the following Papers God and Man will expect your profiting by them more than others You know how much you were upon his Heart You know his Example and manner of Life and how you ought to walk and please God You have seen the Beauty of Practical Godliness exemplified you know how fervently he was wont to wrestle with God in Prayer for you You know with what daily Pains and Care Wisdom Faithfulness and Love he endeavoured your Salvation rejoicing in any good Success thereof but hardly able to support under the Burden of the contrary Fears as to Any of those whom God had given him O dread to think that either of You or any of Yours should meet him at the Day of Judgment and be rejected of Christ among the Workers of Iniquity when both your Parents shall be own'd honour'd and rewarded among the Faithful An ordinary Hell will not be Punishment enough for the Children of such Parents if you miscarry and fall short of Heaven But if you seek after God with your whole Heart desiring to please and serve him who was the God of your Fathers for many Generations if you are humble and prayerful and prize the Blessing of the Covenant keep within the Bond of it and mind the Duty of it your Way is prepared your Acceptance is assured there is a Prospect of more Grace and Consolation for you and yours as a double Blessing promised to the Childrens Children of such as fear the Lord. That you may experience this and in order to it resolve that your Father's God shall be your God for ever and ever is the hearty Prayer of Your Affectionate Friend and Servant in the Gospel JOHN SHOWER London Feb. 16. 1693-4 A SHORT ACCOUNT Of the Holy LIFE of Mr. Henry Gearing c. IF there be Joy in Heaven among the Angels and the blessed Inhabitants Above upon the Conversion of a Sinner we may reckon there is so from time to time upon the Addition to their Number of any such who by the Grace of God are made meet for the Heavenly State and Life Among many others of late deceased Mr. H. G. was doubtless a very welcome Person The too frequent Flattery of Funeral Orations I know is a common Objection against speaking or writing any thing of the Dead because many are commended whose Names are written in the Dust and deserve to perish with their own Dung But the Memory of the Just shall however be blessed their Death is precious and their Examples useful to all who knew them and may be so to many others It is not I confess of every good Man or Woman that dieth that we can speak such things as we may to the just Commendation of some Neither is it fit to publish all the Good we can of every Body because it may be they had some Blemishes that will make the other incredible or lessen its Use But Persons of eminent Grace and Holiness are the choicest Works of God the richest Ornaments the most precious Jewels that can be shown For the meanest Saint is incomparably more noble and honourable than the greatest Personages in the World that are Slaves of Sin and Enemies to God But as one Star differs from another in Glory there are some more lively Images of God and who better imitate the Pattern of Christ some Vessels of Mercy filled with Grace above their Fellows Of such as these we ought to speak to the Glory of Divine Grace There is an attractive Influence in their Pattern some good Savour and Impression may be left by the serious Perusal of their Lives and Character Divers have dated their first Conversion from reading or hearing such Relations But as many an upright Christian whose Funeral Sermon I may be call'd to preach will come far short of the Spirit and Practice of Mr. G. so I resolve to speak more sparingly of the Dead in such Discourses lest I raise the Expectation of the like where I cannot conscionably perform it And on the same Account I forbear the mention of some things which He desired of me and I complied with because I would not encourage others to desire the like I hope the publishing of such Examples may be one means to confute or silence the Atheism of the present Age as if there were no Reality in Religion that it is meer Notion and Talk or a Cover for Hypocrisie An exemplary visible Piety is proper to confute such Cavils baffle such Prejudices and convince the Minds of Men and bring them secretly to wish that they themselves were such It is certain the unsutable Lives of those who profess Religion hath greatly stumbled and hardened many in their Profaneness Some of no ordinary Parts or Education under Convictions of Sin and Fears of Hell upon a Death-bed have told me that the wicked Lives of such as pretended to Religion had more hindered their Seriousness than all the Quirks and Subtilties or bold Attempts of such as would overthrow the Principles of Christianity Besides serious well-disposed Christians will be encouraged by the Example and Commendation
or Falshood therein thou wouldst discover it to me and help me to do it aright And now Glory be to thee O God the Father whom I shall be bold from this Day forward to look upon as my God and Father that ever thou shouldst find out such a Way for the Recovery of undone Sinners Glory be to thee O God the Son who hast loved me and washed me from my Sins in thy own Blood and art now become my Saviour and Redeemer Glory be to thee O God the Holy Ghost who by the Finger of thine Almighty Power hast turned about my Heart from Sin to God O Dreadful Jehovah the Lord God Omnipotent Father Son and Holy Ghost thou art now become my Covenant-Friend and I through thine Infinite Grace am become thy Covenant-Servant Amen So be it And the Covenant which I have made on Earth let it be ratified in Heaven April 11. 1667. HENRY GEARING A Pathetical Meditation on the Passion of Christ taken out of Mr. Wadsworth's Remains 8vo abridged and transcribed for his own Vse upon Sacramental Occasions A Way all trifling Worldly Business I must go see my bleeding Lord Come now my Soul look yonder thou wilt soon arrive at bloody Golgotha where thou shalt see thy bleeding dying Saviour to sigh and linger out a dying Life on the Cross in Love for thee This this might O my Soul have been thy Day in which thou might'st have drunk the bitter Cup of the fierce Anger of God! But look yonder there he goes that must drink up the Dregs and all for thee But come my Soul draw up a little nearer stand here and thou wilt see him passing Look there he goes with a Train of Virgins following But see how cruelly these barbarous Jews do use him they make him bear his Cross himself See how they laugh and scoff and wag their Heads as if he were their May-game Look see my Soul come tell me what thou seest O I cannot Sorrow ties my Tongue I cannot speak I see a Troop of Virgins following him their weeping Eyes their blubbering Lips their Sighs and Throbbings speak them Mourners I see my Lord looks towards them and kindly 〈◊〉 their loving Sorrow Weep not for me Ah could they do less than weep to see thine innocent Self among a Herd of Tygers But whither O whither O ye blinded Jews are ye dragging this my Lord My Spirit begins to faint I now can look no longer my Heart now begins to swell with Grief it must now break or I must vent it at my Eyes in Streams Look see the Hammer and Nails the Hammer lift up to strike Bloody Man thou durst not strike sure Surely thou dost not know whose Hands and Feet thou art now piercing it is the Prince and Saviour of the World But look see it is done The Nails are driven to the Head see how the Blood runs trickling down his Hands and Feet and see how hardned Hearts are laughing at it O silly foolish blinded Men what laugh yet See this very Christ you now mock shall be your Judge But come again look and see my Soul what is become of thy nailed and crucified Lord Ah me he is not quite dead look how he gasps and pants for Life O how pale and wan do I see his Cheeks methinks he should be dead for see how weak his Neck is grown that it is not able to support his Head that lies a dying on his bleeding Breast What yet not dead See how he shakes and stirs his dying Limbs What Gasps and Groans do I hear him fetch Hark hark he speaks O let me catch the last Breath of my dying Saviour What saith my Lord What My God my God why hast thou forsaken me He hath been all this while a drinking up the Cup his Father gave him the bitter sowr Cup of his Father's Wrath which I and all the World had else drank But must he endure all this Must he be crowned with Thorns and sweat and bleed and die and all for me This I stand amazed at But there was Necessity for all this either he must be thus dealt with or else my Sins could not be pardoned He must drink up this bitter Cup with all its Dregs or else I must have drunk it up my self It was I that sinned and must have suffered This cursed proud and earthly Heart of mine rebelled and broke the Laws and should have suffered and born the Punishment Had not he stept in and born the Stroak off from me I had been now burning in everlasting Flames and been lingring out this Time in Torments which I am now spending in the sweet Thoughts of my Escape Hath not the Prophet said all this in Isa 53. these Wounds Stripes Bruises he bore for thee O amazing Love and Grace the Son of God loved me better than his Life Was ever Love like to his Love He was a Stranger to me Why did he not let me die But he loved me I was a polluted Sinner methinks he should have loathed me but he did wash me and make me clean again But why did he love an Enemy Or how could he do it I know not why O inexpressible Love O Love past Thoughts He Loves because he will love What ails my Heart I cannot find it stir What! dead under the reviving Thoughts of thy dearest Redeemer Arise shake up thy self and look about thee thou dost not sure see thy Mercy Come away O come away lift up thy drowsie Head I will make thee look and love and e'er I leave thee confess thou lovest him Suppose now for thy Sins the Vengeance of God was just seizing upon thee turning thee into Hell and Christ comes and reveals himself to thee Sinner I love thee I say thou shalt not die Come feel my Heart how it beats towards thee Dost thou not see I have left my Throne and am come down to the Bar where thou standest condemned But why dost thou weep Come let me wipe thine Eyes and bind up thy bleeding and despairing Heart I tell thee thou shalt not die If Heaven will have Blood it shall have mine so it will but spare thine Now the Soul hath not a Word to speak against this Love Thy Son O God hath offered Satisfaction and thou hast accepted it Thou O my Saviour hast laid down thy Life for mine and thy Father and my Father is well pleased with it Blood is paid Justice is satisfied Heaven's Doors are widened thine Arms opened to receive me nothing is wanting but my Heart make it such as thou wilt have it and then take it to thy self Come my Soul the Father thou seest is willing and the Son is willing give but thy Consent and he is thine for ever Fear not thy Hardness Deadness Blindness Loathsomness all these cannot hinder if thou be but willing What stickest thou at What do'st ail Half of this ado would fetch a Heart for the World a little Mire and Dirt and is not
hope I desire to forsake all my Sins Now the Scripture saith 1 Joh. 1. 9. If we confess our Sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our Sins and to cleanse us from all Unrighteousnes And Prov. 28. 13. Whoso confesseth and forsaketh his Sins shall have Mercy I hope I do not allow my self in any Sin but desire Power against it as well as Pardon of it yea the Sin I am most inclined to tho' my Heart is often apt to go out after it the Lord forgive it Yet I hope it is my earnest Desire that I may have Strength against it The Lord help me to say with David Psal 18. 23. I was upright before him and kept my self from mine Iniquity I hope I desire from my Soul to mourn for Heart-Sins as Hardness and Deadness and Wandrings and Distractions in Duty c. I hope this is a good Sign that I am if my Heart deceives me not really troubled for secret Sins which the World knows nothing of and that I do not allow sinful Thoughts I hope I desire to mourn for the Sins of the Land and to lay to Heart the great Dishonours done to God by others I hope there is a Change wrought in me and that I am a new Creature 2 Cor. 5. 17. If I am a new Creature then I am in Christ I hope so because there are such strivings and fightings in me against Sin such strugglings between the Flesh and the Spirit There is certainly a resisting of Sin if my Heart do not wonderfully deceive me Now Mr. N. used to say It is true Grace to resist Sin it is strong Grace to conquer Sin I consider how it was with Paul Rom. 7. he saith there was a Law in his Members warrings against the Law of his Mind and the Evil that he would not do that he did Methinks it is so with me sometimes I hope this striving and struggling is a Sign I am not dead in Sins and Trespasses for a dead Man strives not moves not I beg of God often and heartily that I may be sincere and upright and hope I have from my Heart many times pray'd with David that God would search me and try me in Mercy and find out if there be any way of Wickedness in me if there be any Sin that lies hid in my Soul and have been glad when Ministers have come to Examination that so I might try my self especially in my younger Years when I heard Mr. N. and used to try my self by Characters that he laid down and have then found Comfort and great Hopes of a Work of Grace wrought in me and wondered how those that heard that Soul-awakening Minister could bear it if they did not find God had been at work in their Souls I do remember when I was young what Delight I took in hearing that good Man and have been as it were in a Corner of Heaven I have often had my Heart quickned warmed and much drawn out to God Now tho' to my Shame I may write it I have abated much in my Zeal and Love to God and his Ways since I have had more to do with the World and a Family to provide for yet I desire to remember the Days of old the Years of the Right Hand of the most High and hope I may take Comfort from the Experience I have had formerly remembering where Grace is once wrought it shall never be extinguished whom Christ loves once he loves to the end and that God never repents that he gives Grace to any I hope tho' by my Sins I have caused the Lord much to depart from me for many Years that I do not meet with such Quickning and Comfort in Duties as formerly yet that I do not content my self in this Condition but desire to have my Soul follow hard after God to lament after him and do I hope prize a Smile from him and the Light of his Countenance above the whole World and do often pray with David Psal 4. When others say Who will shew us any good that God would lift up the light of his Countenance upon me And I desire with the Spouse to seek him whom I hope I may say at least my Soul desires to love I hope it is a good Sign that I have frequent Thoughts of God and do often lift up my Heart to him as when I lie down at Night and awake in the Morning I desire my first and last Thoughts may be with God I hope I may say with David I desire to set the Lord always before me Psal 16. 8. I hope I am desirous and willing to yield Obedience to all the Commandments of God and not to pick and chuse I hope I would not allow my self in the Omission of any Duty Now Christ saith Ye are my Disciples if ye do whatsoever I command you Joh. 15. 14. I hope I have from my Heart prayed many times that God would make known to me how I should walk to please him I hope I desire patiently to continue in well-doing and to wait upon God tho' I do not meet with him Now there is a Promise of Blessedness to them that wait for him Isa 30. 18. and the Promise is Rom. 2. 7. To them who by patient continuance in well-doing seek for Glory and Honour and Immortality that God would give Eternal Life I hope I desire my Will may be according to God's Will and would do better than I do Now if I am but really willing tho' I have many Failings and fall infinitely short yet it is said 2 Cor. 8. 12. Where there is a willing Mind it is accepted according to what a Man hath and not according to what he hath not And our Saviour speaks graciously to his Disciples when he found them asleep Mat. 26. 41. The Spirit truly is willing but the Flesh is weak I hope I desire to be merciful to them who are in Misery and have sometimes been glad of an Opportunity tho' the Lord forgive too backward at other times Now our Lord saith Blessed are the Merciful for they shall obtain Mercy Mat. 5. 7. I hope I desire to cleanse my self from all Filthiness of Flesh and Spirit to have my Heart purified Now it is said Blessed are the pure in Heart for they shall see God Mat. 5. 8. I hope I have counted the Cost what it may cost me to be a Christian indeed and am fully resolved in the Strength of Christ to let all go for him It is my Desire and earnest Prayer I hope from my very Heart that if God call me to it I may be enabled to lay down my Life for his sake Now Christ saith He that forsakes Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for his Name 's sake shall receive an hundred-fold and inherit Everlasting Life Mat. 19. 29. and he that loseth his Life shall find it I hope I desire if I am called to it to
this thou findest thou hast more Desires after Grace that is more Grace Art thou not only thankful for a little Grace but art reaching after more Dost thou grow more weary of thy Sin and more earnest after Christ I hope in the Lord it is thus with me that I am more weary of Sin and desire more Grace Now Growth is a Sign of Life Again Put this Question to thy self Do I hunger and thirst after Christ This is an Evidence of Spiritual Life Dead Men do not hunger and thirst after Christ Now I hope in the Lord I do hunger and thirst after Christ and nothing but himself will content me Again Ask thy Soul Do I love God and Christ or do I not These Marks he gives of Love to Christ Lord I love thee for I am grieved at thy Absence and am rejoiced at thy Presence Lord I love thee for I love those that are like Thee O my Lord I love thee for I love the Place and Duties where thou art wont to meet thy People and warm their Hearts but if thou art not there I cannot take up contentedly with them Lord I humbly say I love thee for I dare not deny but I am grieved when thou art dishonoured by my self or others tho' I grieve for this less than I should because I love thee less than I ought Lord I love thee for I desire to have an Heart that should be willing to part with all for thee things sinful in themselves at all times and things lawful when thou callest me to it Once more I humbly say I love thee for I would have an Heart to love and long and look for thy Coming and Appearance in Glory Mr. Ambrose directing to try our Title to Heaven adviseth First To write down the Scripture-Marks or Grace or Glory and mentions these several Scriptures following 1 Joh. 2. 3. Hereby we know that we know him if we keep his Commandments 2 Cor. 1. 12. For our rejoicing is this the Testimony of our Conscience that in Godly Simplicity and Sincerity we have had our Conversation in the World 1 Joh. 3. 9 10. Whosoever is born of God sinneth not because his Seed abideth in him neither can he sin because he is born of God In this the Children of God are manifest c. 1 Joh. 4. 13. Hereby we know that we dwell in him and he in us because he hath given us of his Spirit 1 Joh. 3. 14. We know that we have passed from Death to Life because we love the Brethren James 1. 12. There is a Crown of Life the Lord hath promised to them that love him But above all observe these Texts following as containing the special Gospel-Conditions to which we find so often annexed the Promise of Justification and Glorification Joh. 3. 16. God so loved the World that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have Everlasting Life Joh. 5. 24. He that believeth hath Everlasting Life and shall not come into Condemnation but is passed from Death unto Life Joh. 6. 40. And this is the Will of him that sent me that every one that seeth the Son and believeth in him may have Everlasting Life Joh. 20. 31. These things are written that ye might believe that Jesus is the Christ the Son of God and that believing ye might have Life through his Name Acts 16. 31. Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ and thou shalt be saved Rom. 10. 9 10. If thou shalt confess with thy Mouth the Lord Jesus and shalt believe in thy Heart that God hath raised him from the dead thou shalt be saved Heb. 10. 39. We are not of them who draw back unto Perdition but of them that believe to the saving of the Soul 1 Joh. 5. 13. These things have I written unto you that believe in the Name of the Son of God that ye may know that ye have Eternal Life From the first Text we gather the Scripture mark of universal Obedience from the second Sincerity from the third Opposition against and Abstinence from Sin from the fourth Spiritual Performance of holy Duties from the fifth a Love of the Brethren from the sixth a Love of Christ from all the rest Faith in Christ the Root and Spring of all other Graces and necessary Conditions of Pardon and Eternal Life Proceed we now to put the Question to our selves but be sure to state it aright Let it not be Whether there be any Good in us at all For so we shall err on the one hand nor yet Whether we have such and such a degree and measure of Grace For so we shall err on the other hand But Whether according to the fore-mentioned Scriptures such and such a saving Grace be in us or not Now I having begged of God his Help to try the State of my Soul by what follows this 17th of August 1676. and I do hope I find the true Marks of saving Grace in my Soul and desire here to enter them down that I may have recourse to it in time of need and the Lord grant I be sincere 1. O my Soul hast thou respect to and dost observe all God's Commandments Dost thou keep the Law in Truth and Sincerity tho' not in gradual Perfection Dost thou know God in part and love God truly by a sincere Obedience Dost thou keep the Commandments in an Evangelical Sense And wherein thou failest dost thou acknowledge thy Failings and rely upon Christ for Pardon Is thy universal Obedience internal and spiritual as well as external Is thy Delight in the Law of God after the Inward Man Is thy Obedience to the Duties of both Tables Dost thou make Conscience of particular Duties in every Relation 2. O my Soul hast thou Sincerity and Uprightness of Heart Is there a powerful Change of the whole Man by the Grace of God Dost thou do what is good upon this account because God commands it not because it will agree with thy Ends and Advantage but because God hath required it Art thou diligent and conscientious in secret Duties to perform them and in Spiritual or Heart Sins and secret Lusts to avoid them Dost thou serve God in Spirit Dost thou eye God whether in private or publick Dost thou set thy self zealously against those Sins thou art most inclined unto Dost thou hate Sin most in thy self and in those that are nearest unto thee Hast thou respect to all God's Commandments but yet to the Duties of the first Table before the second to the Commands of greater Duties before those of lesser Duties Or if in all these Particulars thou findest not such an Uprightness as hath no Deceit or Falshood or carnal Respects at all joined with it for as all other Graces are but in part so are we sincere and upright but in part art thou humbled under thy Hypocrisie and spiritual Guile And dost thou trust only to Christ And dost thou cry as David did for Truth in the
a Title to Heaven or that we have not but pass not this Sentence with Self-Flattery nor from Melancholy Terrors and Fears 1st Not with Self-flattery Alas what will it profit us to think our selves the Children of God when we visibly express the Power of Sin and Satan in our Lives 2dly On the other side pass not this Sentence from Melancholy Unbelief Terrors and Fears As the carnal Man fails the former way so the tempted Christian sometimes fails this way In this Case run we over our Evidences again and again and proceed we from those that are more difficult to those that are more easie One Sign perhaps may be more easily perceived than another and if we can but discover some yea if but one we may assuredly gather all the rest are there Come then pass on now to Sentence O but implore the Spirit 's Assistance now if ever let us desire him to shine on our Graces and then speak groundedly and deliberately and truly as we find according to our very Consciences Do not conclude as some do I am a good Christian or as others do I am a Reprobate or an Hypocrite and shall be damned When we have no ground for what we say but our own Fancy or Hopes or Fears let not our Judgment be any way biass'd or brib'd from sentencing aright Then he further adviseth That we should labour to get our Hearts kindly affected with its discovered Condition according to the Sentence pass'd on it Do not think enough to know but labour to feel what God hath made us to see if we find our selves renewed and sanctified indeed O let us get this warm and close to our Hearts bethink our selves what a blessed Estate hath the Lord brought us into to be his Children his Friends to be pardoned justified and entitled to Life Why what is it we now need to fear but sinning against him Come War or Plague or Sickness or Death we are sure they can but thruft us into Heaven Thus let us follow these Meditations till they have left their Impressions on our Hearts Then he adviseth to record this Sentence so passed to write it down which now I desire to do this 18th of August 1676. Having searched and tried my Heart yesterday and at this time also after I hope earneft and hearty Prayer to God for the help of his Spirit to try my State and Condition I did fall again to the Work of Self-trial by the fore-mentioned Particulars and tho' I cannot fully declare a positive Answer to every Question yet if my Heart doth not very much deceive me I can to most of them I hope I can I beg of God I may not be deceived It is some Comfort to me where I cannot so fully answer some of them I hope I can truly say I most heartily desire it may be so with me And tho' Grace be very weak in me which I hope I desire to be humbled and mourn for yet I dare not deny God's Work in me I must not deny the Day of small-Things but to the Glory of God must own surely there is something of Good wrought in me by his Holy Spirit And my Comfort is Christ will not quench the smoaking Flax nor break the bruised Reed Mat. 12. 20. I am not now affected with the Discovery of my Condition as I should and do not find at present inward Comfort in my Soul I am and have been much under the Withdrawings of God for a time by reason of my Apostacy and Backslidings from him and not walking closely with him yet I desire I hope to lament after the Lord and not content my self till I again meet with him The Lord give me Grace to wait on him in a way of Duty and to act Grace tho' I want Comfort O if I am but sincere and wait still upon God who can tell but he may return with Comfort to my poor Soul The Lord help me to maintain Faith and Hop through Christ Tho' I sit in Darkness and see no Light yet to trust in the Lord and stay my self on my God Isa 50. 10. The Lord help me now to walk answerable to the great Things he hath done for my poor Soul I desire and hope I may have recourse to this hereafter as I shall have need And that it may be of Comfort to me for the time to come as Mr. Ambrose adviseth His Words are This Record will be very useful to us hereafter If we find we have a Work of Grace in us what a help will it be against the next Temptation to doubting and fear to go and read under our Hands this Record May we not think if at such a time I found the truth of Grace is it not likely to be now the same and these Doubts to come from the Enemy of my Peace Yet trust not so to one Discovery as to try no more Especially if we have made any soul Defections from Christ and play'd the Backsliders see then that we renew the Search again Neither let this hinder us in the daily Search of our Ways or of our Increase in Grace and Fellowship with Christ It is an ill Sign and a desperate vile Sin for a Man when he thinks he hath found himself gracious and in a happy State to let down his Watch and grow negligent of his Heart and Ways and scarce look after them any more Neither should we give over in Discouragement if we cannot at once or twice or ten times trying discover our Case but follow it on till we have discovered it if one Hour or Day will not do take another if one Minister cannot direct us sufficiently go to another the Issue will answer all our Pains There is no sitting down discouraged in a Work that must be done If we have been Hypocrites or ungodly Persons all our Lives yet is the Promise offered to us by Christ and he tenders himself to us to be our Lord and Saviour neither can we possibly be so willing to accept him as he is to accept us Nothing but our own Unwillingness can keep our Souls from Christ tho' we have hitherto abused him and dissembled with him O that the Lord would perswade us to the close Performance of this self-trying Task that we might not tremble with Horror of Soul when the Judge of all the World shall try us but have our Evidences so ready at hand and be so able to prove our Title to Heaven that the Thoughts and Approach of Death and Judgment might revive our Spirits and fill us with Joy and not apale us and fill us with Amazement September the 19th 1676. Finding my Heart very hard and dead of late and being still under the Withdrawings of God but I bless God I hope sensible of it and desirous to wait upon him for Discoveries of his Love and Favour and to lament after him and seek him in his Ordinances for I hope I cannot take up with Duty without something
thankful it is not Grace that is denied thee but only Comfort She that mourned that her Beloved was gone and had withdrawn himself was a Spouse still she had an Interest in the Bridegroom tho' she saw him not Diseases felt in the Soul seldom prove mortal Desire after Christ and Sanctification is a sign of no utter Rejection The Soul that can truly desire Mercy is not totally excluded Mercy O let tempted troubled Souls then be comforted The blessed God hath a compassionate open Ear to all sensible self-bemoaning Sinners Jer. 31. 18. I have surely heard Ephraim be moaning himself there are none such but shall be heard of God They shall be loved of God that loath themselves They shall be acquitted of God that condemn themselves his merciful Ear is still open to Self-bemoaning Sinners When once a Sinner comes to himself he is not far from God Isa 40. 27. Why sayest thou O Jacob and speakest O Israel my way is hid from the Lord and my Judgment is passed over from my God The inward Thought of many sensible Sinners is that God hath cast them off and shut his Door of Mercy upon them and will never concern himself more in their Salvation Such unkind thoughts we are apt to have of a good God when Conscience brings our Sins to a bitter remembrance Well now saith God Why say'st thou O Jacob the words are a Reproof for Distrust of God Why dost thou think and speak so unkindly of me as that I should cast thee out of my care and thoughts My way is hid from the Lord. What is the meaning of that Why God takes no notice of my Wretchedness to commiserate my Condition and relieve me he cares not what becomes of me or my ways And my way is hid that he cannot help me and my judgment is passed from my God That is there is a Sentence of Death past on me there is no escaping but see how compassionate the Lord speaks Why dost thou say so poor Soul I am not thoughtless and regardless of thee as thou say'st v. 28 29. Hast thou not known and heard the everlasting God gives power to the faint and to them that have no might increases strength Such as are desponding and hopeless in themselves God raises them up They that wait on the Lord shall renew their strength God in his time will refresh every weary Soul III. The Covenant of Grace is God's free Offer and Promise of Life and Salvation by Christ to all Sinners that shall believe in him It is a gracious and firm Obligation in which God doth make over himself and all his Goodness in Christ to all Believers It is a great matter for God to be our God in special Covenant when he saith I will be your God it is as if he should have said I will bestow my self upon you What I am I am for thee my Spirit my Comforts my Son my Love my Goodness my Assistance my Happiness it is thine my Holiness shall make you holy my Wisdom shall make you wise my Righteousness shall make you righteous Whatsoever a God can do for his People I will do for you you shall have all things needful for you all things desirable All that you can expect from a God expect it from me I will be gracious to pass by thy Unworthiness I will be merciful to pardon thy Sins I will be Holiness to change thy Nature I will be Assistance to thee in Duty I will be Comfort to thee in Trouble I will be Wisdom to cure thy Folly I will be Plenty to thy Wants i will be Strength to thy Weakness I will give a Blessing to your Estates I will be Providence as to your Dangers I will be Preservation as to your Persons I will be Salvation to your Souls I will be your Sun and Shield I will be your Recompence and exceeding great Reward I will be a God unto you I will be your God and Guide unto Death and your Portion for ever This is for God to be our God in special Covenant IV. There may be Faith where there is no Assurance Remember it O my Soul for thy Comfort and make a right use of it Thou may'st be a true Believer tho' thou art but a weak Believer nay tho' thou art ready to think thy self no Believer It is one thing to have an Interest in Christ and Salvation and another to know it It is possible for many a good Christian to trust in God and believe in Jesus Christ and yet in time of Desertion and Temptation he may not know it A Soul under the Eclipse of God's Countenance may think himself in a lost Condition as David did I said I am cut off from before thine Eyes Psal 31. 22. but it was not so for God then heard the Voice of his Supplication A man may truly fear the Lord and obey the Voice of his Servants and yet may walk in Darkness and see no Light Isa 50. 10. Sion said the Lord hath forsaken me my God hath forgotten me Isa 49. 14. but it was not so There may be Faith of Adherence where there is not Faith of Evidence The Soul may cleave fast to Christ and say If I perish I will perish at thy Foot hoping waiting trusting tho' thou killest me yet I will trust in thee tho' I know not whether thou lovest me yet I will endeavour to love thee There may be Faith without Assurance otherways true justifying Faith may be lost for Assurance is with some quite lost at least for a time but true Faith cannot be lost it may decay but not fail I have prayed for thee that thy Faith fail not saith Christ to Peter This Prayer he makes for all Believers They also that have some Assurance of their Salvation have it not in the same measure There may be a good measure of Assurance tho' not full Assurance There is a probable Assurance I mean when a Christian comparing his Heart and Life with the Example of Christ and Rule of the Word finds that tho' he hath some reason to fear lest he should be an Hypocrite yet he sees more cause to hope than to fear When after he hath searched himself made an impartial Trial of himself he comes to this Conclusion Tho' I am not as confident I shall go to Heaven as I am that there is a Heaven yet I bless God I see more ground to hope that my Sins are pardoned and that I am in a state of Salvation than to fear it is otherwise When I reason the case with my Soul I have more Arguments for me than against me and can say if I die this moment it is not only possible but probable that I should be saved this I call a probable Assurance There may be Doubts and Fears where there is this Assurance because Doubts and Fears do not always proceed from the Weakness of Grace but sometimes from the Strength of Temptation A Man that hath