that I must say if God will forsake me for ever Meditat. VI. Since our dear Lord Jesus Christ hath loved me and given himself for me Oh that my heart was ravisht with his love Oh that he was the beloved of my soul and that I were sick of his love who dyed for the love of me Oh that I could not be stayed but with his flaggons This my Jesus the chiefest of ten thousand hath told me that he that saw thee saw the Father whereby I understand that thou art just as he was as pittiful as gracious as willing to forgive as sweet and as easie to be entreated as my good Saviour and in all the things and passages that thy word hath made known to us of him I read not of one of all that came to him not one poor soul that ever begged any grace or any pardon nor never did any come to be healed of any bodily disease in vain Lord thou art as he was Lord Jesus thou art as thou wast thy being in Heaven makes thee not less like thy Father or thy self Blessed God I do beseech thee to give me thy poor hard-hearted servant a soft heart Lord Jesus I beseech thee thou seest mine heart my poor heart desire as imperfectly as coldly to make intercession for me me for whom thou hast paid a dear price as one that hath been so long from his Friend hath he can hardly call to remembrance what countenance he hath So I poor I that cannot chuse but pity the sad condition of mine own heart which though it doth not uncessantly and importunately desire grace as it should yet methinks it is a sad thing to see it in such a careless temper I am such a stranger to thee that I have much ado to make one thought of thy sweet love and excellencies that may affect my heart and bring the sweet apprehensions of thee to remembrance Thy tender mercies and former relishes of thy goodness are to me like the shadow of death they are as Christ walking upon the waters they terrifie me Lord let me weep thee to me again Oh my God I am undone undone undone a poor undone creature Those in desertion are in a thousand times better condition then I am they want the comforts but then indeed they have the graces of the Spirit but is not my poor soul that wants both in a sad condition that can sit down and fall asleep when I should seek my Saviour I have a soul of such a temper as makes me wonder at my self as in the Spring and sometimes there will come a cloud that will seem to overspread the Heavens and yet on the sudden all will be blown over and the day so fair that there will not be a cloud to be seen So am I sometimes my heart is full of sorrow and mine eyes full of tears and yet upon the sudden my heart loseth that sweet sad temper and all is blown over and not a cloud appears and these clouds of grief are not dispersed with the comforts and joyes of thy Spirit but with worldly business or company when I do grieve for my sins carnal grief bears a share in it and carnal joy abolisheth it Meditat. VII To confess my sins without any sense of them without any hatred of them to pray for grace and not to be sensible of the necessity or excellency of it to come to thine Ordinances without reaping any good from them to think and meditate of thee and neither admire nor love thee nor long and delight to be in thy company to what purpose are these things thou desirest of us our hearts and not our works words or thoughts without that Ah my Lord and my God shall all be in vain and wilt thou cast me off for ever Dost thou hate my soul and am I an abomination unto thee Must I be shut out for ever and never enjoy the sweetness of thy presence Thou wilt not O my God thou wilt not thou canst not O my God thou canst not for thou hast made a Covenant withme and I claim that Covenant for I have not any thing in world besides thy Covenant in the Lord Jesus Christ that I can so much as have the least hope that will do me any good if the Lord Jesus Christ did not sit at thy right hand to make intercession for me my sins continually daily hourly clamoring against me and accusing of me must needs prevail against me Alass my hear is far from that spiritual frame that thou requirest for the miseries that sin brings are more troublesome and heavy to me then the silthiness that is in fin thy blessings are more lovely in my eyes then thy self Every duty hardens me in my formality Lord thouart the father of mercies Oh have mercy upon me for my case is not the common case of thy people but few few of many may be found whose soul is like my poor soul for where is there any that can say so and yet be so little affected as I am Meditat. VIII Mine hopes are false and my fears are true the deadliest poysons do not make me sick nor the excellentest Cordials do not comfort me I am not sick of sin nor doth the Sacrament of the body and blood of Christ fill me with joy nay rather doth it not fill me with griefs and fears if my fears and griefs were not Carnal would they were more but my Carnal joyes eat out my Spiritual grief and my joyes also I am as it were like Absalom I hang between heaven and earth I would fain have heaven and yet would not part with earth Oh my Lord Jesus Christ art thou of no more excellency in mine eyes Doth thy love to me raise up no more love in me then to stand deliberating what to do when thou standest with stretched out arms to receive me to thy bosome Canst thou love one that loves thee so little as I do Thou didst love me when I loved thee not at all Why sittest thou so sad O my Soul Go cast thy self into the arms and bosome of the Lord Jesus Christ there lie and hear the beatings of his heart toward thee and it may be thou maiest be warmed with the heat of his love Christ pours out the boyling streams of his heart-blood upon thy poor soul for his hear boyled in love towards thee and can thine heart still be frozen Oh infidelity thou art the poyson of my Soul thou with thy cold blasts hast frozen mâ—ne heart and keep'st it so Lord give me faith or else all thy mercies are in vain Thy love is and hath been too great for me to believe Lord thou that lovest me so much as to give me Christ Oh love me so much as to give me saith to believe it There remains in mine heart no more then the first spark of thy love and the first Principle of grace that thou didst put into my soul when thou didst regenerate me All the flames
rather weep and mourn for mine offending thee then enjoy all delights in the world Those salt waters are more precious then their Wine Meditat. XVII Lord I beseech thee to order all mine affairs by thy wisdom thou knowest what afflictions are needful for me I murmure oftentimes when thou afflictest me although I have again and again desired thee to direct all things that belong unto me but blessed God let not my Murmurings so provoke thee as to leave me to mine own self Give me not what I desire but what I want my judgement in judging what is good or bad for me is little worth for many times I have judged such a thing to be for my hurt yet it hath proved much for my good and so on the contrary but then I have by experience found it evidently for my good when I have yielded my self wholly to be guided by thee all things Lord make me know my self I am a poor Creature with teares in mine eyes and hypocrisie in my heart Meditat. XVIII Lord it fares with me as it fares with one that hath been a long time from his friend he hath many things to tell him of several particulars that befell him since their last being together so Lord I have been a stranger to thee and I have much to say to thee much have I suffered from mine own corruptions and little have I done I have a heart will let me do nothing for thee Lord I am but a Child pardon my bablings I have none to make my complaint to no not one Thou hast caused me to live in Mesech and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar and if thou Lord wilt supply the want of those Christian friends I am now deprived of Lord my heart is so deceitful that I have much a do to know whether I ever was or am yet thine I know Lord how I have spent dayes sometimes whole weeks together in Prayer and Meditation and reading Devotionary Bookes to Prepare my self for the Communion and yet then I had gross sailings for there was a World of Covetousness in me and thirsting after Humane Learning exceedingly and little prizing the knowledge of Christ in my Sermons I did little aim at thy glory but to preach my self Now in these things I find some healings but my duties are fewer and now there is far more wanting in comparison of what I should be then was then of what I am now Nay Lord thou only knowest I shall be a gainer but alas if now I am alone I shall have no more fire of thy love then I had when I lived in the midst of Glowing Coals of Devotion how can I but go out now since I had much ado to burn then When I think of serving thee then my heart is so perverse as to put in a Carnal Motive and saith If thou dost so then God will bless thee in such or such a temporal blessing and my heart closeth with that Motive Meditat. XIX O my God as thou art my Father so let me know that thy love to me being known by me may put Wheels to my Obedience that now goes so heavily that it may make mine obedience more pure that now is so full of insufficiency I am fain to be glad almost of any Motive to make me serve thee but yet it is my burthen that fear should make me do that which love should make me do for besides that such obedience is painful that which is worse it is impure also Alas I am a stranger too much unto thee and in being so an enemy to my self Lord this is the first day I have given thee this great while it doth appear it is so by the poor and weak duties I perform my poor soul is like a poor desolate Widdow that hath lost her dear Husband every one trampleth upon her and oppreiseth her Meditat. XX. Lord where are those sweet embrances and manifestations of thy love that thou hast bestowed on me in former times when I have gone unto the treasury of thy mercies and fetched any mercy from thence that I wanted Thou hast given unto my prayers my dear Brother who went forth a blasphemer or at least a common swearer and came home I seeking thee for him a convert after thou gavest me his life and the life of my Mother and indeed Lord what was it but I had of thee thou didst almost miraculously restore one of my Sisters to comfort But now when I cry and shout thou shuttest out my prayers and art almost as if I never had any acquaintance with thee Lord I know that the fault is mine own indeed Lord I then was scarce ever from thee or out of thy thoughts For were I but as I have been so often keeping dayes of humbling before thee it could not be that my duties should be such as they are but Lord thou seest the tears thâ—se thoughts cause me to shed they are thine do thou encrease them but take away this dulness and deadness of heart that is the just reason why I shed them and if thou shalt once purifie and inflame mine heart by faith and love I shall shed abundant more tears for my wandring thoughts in prayer then now I do for all the abominations I am guilty of Alas Lord the ordinary dayes of thy Saints are far more holy then the dayes I set apart for special service of thee and their thoughts in the midst of their worldly businesses are more devout and zealous then my thoughts in my prayers were alwayes with thee I scarce did any thing though almost of never so small Moment but the reason why I did it this or that way was because it was some way or other more for thy glory Lord it is not thy fault for thou dost wait to shew Mercy whether my wretched heart will consent to it or no This I do set down as an infallible truth and let all the world give thee the glory of it all thy ways are holy just and good and thou dost stretch out thine arms to embrace us it is our fault that we do not run into thy bosome the infidelity and other corruptions that are in our bosomes make us think that thou art not willing to receive us or imbrace us and so we not coming we want that experimental knowledge of thee that would if we had it make us not so timorous of coming to thee as we are Meditat. XXI Before I begin to write I know I have more cause to Write in blood or tears then in ink Can a Mother forget her Child It is not Can a Child forget the Mother nor is it Can a Mother her Child if the Child forget her or Can there be any case wherein the Mother can forget her Child Lord do thou awaken my heart for it is a sleep Lord do thou raise mine heart for it is dead Do thou thaw my heart for it is frozen Lord thou art that Celestial fire
man what injury soever he doth me Now I will so watch over my words that I will not offend with my Tongue And that by degrees I may attain some perfection herein I here vow every week between this and the next Communion to keep one day so strictly that I will not during that day speak so much as one idle word that day if I do I will give to the poor Lord how excellent is thy service so pure so sweet O that there were such a heart in me that I might for ever serve thee Meditat. XXVII When I read the Story of the Martyrs I do wish that I had lived in those dayes that I might also die as they did or methinks I could now willingly lay down my life rather then yield to the abominable Idolatry and Superstitions of the Sea of Rome but when I search try my heart I much fear that the reason of this my desire is because I think it easier to lay down my life for Christs sake then for his sake to overcome my corruptions for it being but one act though it hath more pain yet being but of small continuance it is less trouble then all my life long to fight against sin and thus I do ill even in my best wishes in divers respects For I chose Martyrdom not because thereby I might more honour God but that I might the sooner and easier come to heaven And again that I think I might content my self though I did not so much hate corruption if I died a Martyr all would be well whereas Though I give my body to be burnt and have not Charity it would profit nothing and to love God it is impossible for him that doth not hate and fight against his corruptions Alas O my Soul how weary are we of our Spiritual Fight and we would fain find some other way to Heaven then by the continuance of it O that I were dead to the World yet while we know something better we shal not think so We talk much of the Vanity of the World but who believes that the World is Vanity and vexation of Spirit Or who is sensible of this Truth Or if he were sensible of it and sometimes affected with it yet it soon wanisheth and we do not live accordingly How much easier is it to speak like an Angel then live like a Saints Meditat. XXVIII Lord that thou wouldest do it for me take my Soul and my Body what shall I do with them any longer I govern them so ill and indeed am so unable to govern them that they govern me Lord if thou shalt condemn me at the last Day I do now justifie thee and testifie to all the world that thou art just though then if such a time shall come I shall blaspheme thee My dear God I have yet a spark of thy love I will not leave that small hold of thee for ten thousand Worlds I know Lord there is no dallying with thee What if I spoke with the Tongue and writ with the Pen of Men and Angels it is nothing Lord take a poor soul at his word Lord I am thine and do now give my self and ten thousand Worlds if I had them to thee yet when thou dost take from me some poor part of my Estate I murmure Alas I have a poor weak heart Meditat. XXIX Lord my knowledge of thee is but small and that which is is but little Spiritual or Experimental To know thee by what others write and say of thee is sweet to them that can set their Seal to it from their own experience Lord what is it that hath kept me so long from thee or kept thee so long from me I know that I have been wanting to thee and to my self Lord take my heart I have too much love for any besides thee though I have too little for thee Oh how sweet are the thoughts of thee and would be sweeter if I thought oftner and longer and more attentively of thee Alas I am almost grown out of acquaintance with thee I do not perceive my corruptions in any thing more then in this that though to think of thee be a thing so easie and so profitable yet I think so seldom My dear God deliver me from the business of the World Suits of Law and such things they undo me they take up my thoughts that I cannot be rid of them I feel upon me the curse which thou threatnest upon the people of Israel If they would not serve thee with joy they should serve strangers with a great deal of hardship I was well while I was with thee then I had my Songs in the night now my dayes are turned into the shadow of Death Lord draw me draw me make the cords of thy love stronger or rather then I should perish make the cords of thine afflictions stronger and if I murmure scourge me while I leave murmuring How true do I finde that saying He that injures forgives not My wickedness I have committed against thee makes me not able to believe almost that thou art or canst be reconciled unto me When I should do more for thee and less against thee I shall easilier believe thy loves or rather when thy Spirit shall shed abroad thy love in my heart I shall know thou lovest me I sigh and Mourn and Weep over my poor Soul but cannot help it Dear Lord Let My Tears prevail with thee Pity pity have pity upon a poor languishing Soul that is even gasping out his last breath It grieves me to see what a sad condition I am in I am not yet in Hell and by thy Mercy I may never come thither but I am running thither Wo is me that I am constrained to live in Mesech and to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar Meditat. XXX Lord I pray for Mercies and when I have them to see the unsuitableness of my Spirit to them and mine unthankfulness for them brings more sadness upon me then to want them All the things I begged of thee for temporal Mercies both in carrying me forth and bringing me home and concerning my business I went about not finding things in such a sad condition at home yet my poor heart is the same still and is as hard and as stony not willing to yield it self and all up to thee as if I were more able to order matters then thou Now my heart is subject to murmure that it is so hard when it should mourn Lord thou hast done enough to justifie thy love and thy tender compassions to me if thou shouldest never do more and not only thy justice could not be blamed but not thy Mercy Medit. XXXI Accept of my poor prayers and when at the last day when the secrets of all hearts shall be known the hypocrisie and cold and my Desires shall be known and thy goodness shall be admired in hearing such prayers as mine are For the light of thy Countenance to shine upon and the Breathings
A METHOD AND INSTRUCTIONS for the Art of Divine Meditation WITH Instances of the several Kindes of Solemne MEDITATION By Thomas White late Minister of Gods Word in London The second Edition London Printed for Tho. Parkhurst and are to be sold at his Shop at the Bible and three Crowns at the lower end of Cheapside near Mercers Chappel 1672. ERRATA PAge 1. Line the last Read made p. 4 l. 25. r. might be p. 8. l. 14. and 17. r. blessednesses l. 26. r. but blessed p. 9. l. 15. r. them l. 16. r. they p 17. l. 5. r. one 's p. 23. l. 11. r. Obj. p. 26. l. 4. r. of Christ. p. 31 l. 3. r. straining p. 33. l. 11. r. to be l. 15. r. body of p. 38 l. 20. r. he p 52 l. 6. r. to our l. 12. r. receipt p. 54. l. 20. r. this p. 57. l. 10 r. such a street p 69. l. 12. r. inability p. 73. l 10 r. too p. 74. l. 4. blot out every day l. 13. blot out of p. 77. l. 15 r. as I have l. 17 r. in p. 78. l. 16. r. affections p. 80 l. 21. r. matter p. 85. l. 2. blot out not p. 89. l 4 r. subject p. 91. l 7. r out of doubt p98 l. 3. blot out grace p. 100. l. 23. r. by my p. 102. l. 1. r. strange p. 106. l. 14. blot out hath p 110. l. 6. r. heart p. 112. l 13 r heart p 113 l 22 r. is it p. 114. l 11 r. Is I p 123 l 23 r God p 137 l 19 r she p 147 l 12 blot out not p 148 l 24 r It is not p 192 blot out no. p 228 l 18 blot out me p 232 l 19 r. here p 271 l 17 r tell p 274 l. 20 r thou who p. 275 for to r we should p 282 l 7 r world p 292 l 19 r soul p 299 l 15 r world p 4 of the conclusion l 7 r though p 5 l 18 r for this THE PREFACE TO THE READER Christian Reader OVR Active Souls can no more forbear to think then the Eye can chuse but see when it is Open and we being accountable to God for thoughts he being the searcher and judge of them it would be our wisdom and security to improve all means for the Spirituallizing of them 'T is charged upon no less penalty then damnation for Jerusalem to purge her self from vain thoughts The Meditating Mind is the beginner of all Goodness On the Sinners part it is the Rise of his Returning unto God Ezek. 18. 28. In Saints and Persons Converted it is the way to a Progressive Conversion and Renewing Repentance Psal. 119. 59. I considered my wayes and turned the more consideration the more conversion Mens bold and eager pursuite in Sin is greatly from want of consideration Jer. 8. 6. Even in a Nation when God intends to work Great Returnings he stirs up great bethinkings 1 King 8. 47. If they shall bethink themselves He minds them of considering to bring them to returning In Nature Rational the first Mover is the Mind by consideration In Grace the first mover is the Mind by Meditation Luke 15. 17. And when the Soul is returned to God Oh how sweet are the Meditations of him The sweetness thereof is better felt then exprest thereby the Christian doth improve his knowledge quicken his affections and excite practice He that hath the Grace and skill to be alwayes communing with God or his own Heart will never want Work or Company never need he complain of Solitariness or tedious Hours for there is no time wherein there is not some great business to be done between God and him Apious heart by meditation is least alone when most alone his God with him and he with God are good company He is doing the most and best business when he is imployed with his God about his own and other mens Soules It was the great Design of the Reverend and holy Author Mr. Tho. White at first in publishing this small Treatise to help Christians forward in this so advantagious and heavenly Duty A few Pages of Manuscript are inserted which he left behind him for that purpose if it came to be re-printed All that knew the Author honoured and loved him He was a Burning and Shining Light he was too Bright a Star to shine longer in the Terrestrial World God made use of him to turn many unto Righteousnesse and now he is gone to Shine in the Kingdome of his Father Reader If thou beest unskilful in the Duty of Meditation here thou mayest be directed If thou beest backward in Performance here thou may'st be quickned The Instances here given argue such a holy Heart in him that used them that it will be much thy own fault if they doe not make thy Heart who perusest them if it be bad good and if it be good better that it may doe so shall be the prayers of R. A. A METHOD OR INSTRUCTIONS for the Art of Divine Meditation Psal. 1 2 But his delight is in the Law of the Lord and in his Law he doth meditate day and night CHAP. I. An Introduction to the following Discourse A Book wherein the Lives of the most Eminent Saints were written would be the delight of Saints to read Yet to read of the wonderful discoveries God hath mad of himself to dying Saints to hear the wonderful things that such Souls filled with extasies of Love and Joy do speak is sweet as the honey and the honey combe it seemes to realize Heaven unto us To hear a dying Saint just as entring into Heaven saying blessed be God I am arrived safe to glory The gates of Heaven stand wide open for me and Christ stands with stretched out Arms to receive me blessed be God for free Grace blessed be God for Jesus Christ. To hear another ás he was on his sick bed expounding Rom. 8. he stopped and said what light is this I see They about him said it is the Sunshine nay said he it is my Saviours shine I doubt not but you all see this Light but I feel a light within me which no one of you all can know and turning himself to the Minister that Preached his Funeral Sermon he said this night I dye and speak this from me I speak it confidently that God dealeth familiarly with man I feel his Mercy I see his Majesty Whether in the body or out of the body I cannot tell God he knâ—weth I see things that are unutterable and with many â—â—â—h like speeches he ended his life So it is no less delightful to heâ— the ravishing speeches of Martyrs crying out with clapping of hands saying O you Papists you talk of Miracles here is a Miracle I feel no more pain in the midst of these tormâ—nts then if I was upon a bed of Roses Another though in desertion to that very time yet when come to the Stake he cryed out O he is come he is come whom my
desires and endeavours CHAP. XII Directions for Vows NOw because Vows do very frequently especially in young beginners follow upon resolutions and because that very many pious and religious persons have been ensnared by rash Vows and after Vows it is not fit to make enquiry therefore I shall set down some Cautions of and Directions for Vows 1. As we have said concerning Resolutions let your Vows be rather against the occasions of sinne then against sin it self 2. When the subject of your Vows is of things indifferent in themselves 1. Take heed of making any perpetual Vow for the reason why you make any Vows against any indifferent thing as in drinking Wine c. It is because then it was a snare unto you but in process of time it may cease to be a snare unto you nay it may be a very great Snare and occasion Sickness or death not to drink it as in some cases hath happened 2. Let all Vows concerning indifferent things be Conditional and let these two constantly be two of the Conditions First That you will abstain from such a thing or do such a thing unless you shall be otherwise advised by some godly Minister or private Christian. I knew a Religious woman that had Vowed to Read many Chapters every day when she was unmarried she made this Vow but afterwards in the time of her lying in and other Weaknesses the Chapters were so many that the did much endanger the losse of her sight and the neglect of all other duties when her poverty and family grew great Now had she added this Caution to her Vow she might have been delivered out of that snare and though it be true that in many cases a Vow may be dispensed withall when we cannot keep it without sin as in this case one hath vowed a weekly secret Fast ones Health or Child with which one goes will certainly be destroyed by it yet if it be but an inconvenience though a very great one it will not release one from ones Vow Now the reason why I add that condition unless some Minister or for want thereof some other godly Christian shall otherwise advise is because the several cases that may happen are so various that it is impossible to specifie them all or think of them all and very difficult to judge of them all when we make the Vow And moreover if we should leave it to our selves we should be too partial for as when our Consciences are much touched for our sins we are subject to be too violent in our spiritual revenge so in a little time when that pang is over we are subject to be too indulgent to our selves therefore it is better to say thus Lord I do vow unto thee that I will keep every week a day of Humiliation or that I will not drink any Wine this three moneths next following unless some such occasion shall be That if it had then been or then thought of when I made my Vow that such or such or some other godly Minister would had I consulted with him then wisht me not to make that Vow then to say I will do this or that unless some such occasion be that were the Vow to be made again I would not make it 2. Add this Caution viz. If I remember it I will not drink Wine this moneth the reason is because if you drink Wine though you did not think of it you sin if your Vow be absolute but if it be with that condition it is not a sin and yet by adding that condition we give our selves no liberty since it is not in our power to forget it The next Caution concerning Vows in indifferent things is this add a penalty upon the breach of your Vow which penalty is not added by way of hope of Satisfaction that 's gross ignorance and Superstition but it must needs run thus I will spend half an hour an hour a day in Prayer for the Church to the end of this moneth or else give so much to the poor and in such a case if we do either we sin not the reason why we should add a penalty to it because some inconveniencies may be so great that it would bring some very great mischief upon us and then we have liberty to take the other part of the Vow viz. And now this penalty must 1. Not be two light and trivial but it must be of such consequence that it may be a Tye upon us and yet not of so great weight as if it should happen it might prove some great inconvenience to us For a rich man to say he will give 6 d. to the poor is not considerable and yet the same may be to heavy a Burthen for one that is very poor to give The next Rule is Let this penalty be alwayes of something that is Materially good as giving to the Poor spending some time in reading of Scripture for as for Popish Penances as whipping Pilgrimages and such like they are unprofitable and ridiculous The next Rule is Let this penalty be alwaies some holy Duty that is most contrary to thy Master sin as if thy Master sin be Covetousness let it be Alms if it be voluptuousness let it be fasting with prayer or abstaining wholly for a time from that wherein thou most delightest c. The next Rule is Let your vows be rather against the outward then the inward acts of sin rather against speaking angrily then being angry for though inward acts of sin are worse yet they are not so much in our power The next Rule is if your vows are concerning doing holy duties it is better to vow to spend some time in reading holy Scripture or such like then to read so many Chapters for thou wilt be tempted to read them over too fast that thou maist have ended whereas if it be so much time that thou hast resolved to spend thou wilt not be so subject to this temptation CHAP. XIII Rules for the concluding of Meditation 1. THou art earnestly to beg of God strength to perform whatever thou hast resolved to do in his service This must be done fexvently though briefly and humbly proceeding from an earnest desire to do what thou hast promised and resolved and also from an humble sense of thine ability to perform it 2. The second Duty is Thanksgiving if thou shalt perceive any heavenly warmth of love or Spiritual hatred of sin or any other Spiritual effect wrought in thy heart thou art to give God the glory and not to rejoyce in thy self but in the Lord but thou art to rejoyce with trembling knowing that if thou art puft up though thou hast the will to do good wrought in thee yet if thou provokest him he can stop it that thou shalt never be able to do what thou resolvest to do The first is an humble acknowledgement of our failings in the performing of this duty For if we were not green wood that love which is now but a
which do speak of the sinfulness of sin or of the Majesty of God and his terrible Wrath executing judgements upon sinners all which serve rather to terrifie a poor drooping Soul then to comfort it but let him rather Meditate upon those Scriptures which do speak of the merciful nature of God of the full satifaction of Christ and of his great love to poor sinners as to Paul Manasses Mary Magdalen and some such other great sinners whom God hath pardoned 5. Let your meditations be suitable to the Ordinances that you are to be made partakers of as if you are to receive the Sacrament Then meditate upon your preparatory concomitant and subsequent duties Meditate upon the love of God the Father upon the love of God the Son Jesus Christ consider the excellency of his person the greatness of his sufferings and how valid they be to the satisfaction of Gods Justice and so likewise to consider of the excellency nature and use of the Sacrament So if thou hast a Child to be baptized consider the Duties and promises of belonging to that Ordinance the Duties thereof belonging to thee for the present but to the Child for the future 6. The Scripture is not to be meditated on as it is to be read There is no part of the Scripture but what is to be read by us but there is a great deal of Scripture which cannot be a fit Suject for us to meditate upon but such as I shall mention though there be many parts of Scripture besides which may be fit proper Subjects for us to meditate upon but these most especially as the Psalms of David many Chapters of the Proverbs of Solomon some choice places of the Canticles most of the Holy Gospels and most of the Epistles Something of the Revelation and then all promises in general and that for two Reasons The one is because the Promises themselves put us upon the Duty and then the promises bring Comfort Far be it from us to despise the Consolations of our heavenly Lord Meditate also upon the holy and blessed Commands of God and the Examples of Saints and let this be your Meditation to say thus within your selves Why should Abraham love God or David love God more then I Why should the Angels love God more then I God hath forgiven me thousands of Iniquities and transgressions but never forgave the Angels one When thou readest holy Examples of the Old Testament you may see that not only such and such things are feasible but that with far less help it was done then now we in these Gospel times have to do it with 7. Let Christ be very much the Subject of your Meditation when I consider the whole business of the worship of God from the beginning of the World to Christ and how God doth acquiesse in Christ and that the highest Angels desire to know him I fully conclude that Christ is wonderfully worththy to take up our thoughts our chiefest love and our greatest joy so that the question will not be whether Christ be worthy of our love but rather whether our love be worthy of Christ and as the other so this is unquestionable and of doubt that it is not Instances OF Solemn Divine MEDITATION Meditation I. ALas my God I am in a sad condition mine afflictions grow daily upon me and that which is mine unsupportable misery my corruptions grow faster upon me then my affliction What before made me weep will not now make me sigh The heavy burthen of a great abomination doth not lie upon me so much as before I was oppressed with a vain thought in my prayers Alas Lord alas I am undone alas my Corruptions have almost made me love them and make me weary of Duties and careless of Graces My joyes are gone and my sorrows are gone that were suitable to thy Word and now my joys are but the laughter of Fools and my sorrows are Carnal Sensual and more of Hell in them then of Heaven and as now I can scarce tel my sorrows so have I scarce any sorrow to tell I have sate down and wept to consider the great decayes of holiness in me but now I can see my God going from me and when as now he is even out of sight mine eyes are as dry as my heart is hard Alas Lord if thou wilt not return thou wilt lose a poor Soul that hath loved thee and is somewhat troubled Now poorsad Soul that it is so wicked as it is Meditat. II. Lord thou seest the strange distempered temper of mine heart and Spirit ah blessed God I should take more comfort if I should see my heart-blood running forth before mine eye then to see mine eyes so dry and my heart so hard I have worn out almost all Motives to holiness they now take no impression in me which before were too strong for me to bear they ravisht me which now do not move me I scarce ever go to Prayer but I have enough and too many Spiritual complaints to employ it to express If every day I had not just cause to bewail a continued decay of Grace I might have some respite of my griefs But what shall I now do VVhen every day shall bear witness against me and every night my sin shall go to bed with me and lie in my bosome and rise in the morning more strong then at night Ah when my former holy life shall be more terrible then others wicked lives when my former prayers shall be like the Gall of Asps unto me VVhen those Duties which should be my comfort are my terrour Alas what can my poor Soul do when my present sins and my past duties which of them are the heaviest burthen unto me I do not know what shall I do When I consider these things then the thoughts of the affliction that lies upon me makes me weep a tear or two and my vain heart my deceitful heart would perswade me that I weep for my sins Those in desertion are in a blessed condition to me they are sad and I am miserable I am guilty of that which their Consciences do but accuse them off Alas have I my communion with God my sweet Communion and the power I had to prevail with him for any mercy almost that I prayed for now I can pray and pray and pray and go away without a blessing I can almost be content to be wicked Thou knowest mine heart or else my tears would deceive thee as well as me If they are worldly thoughts that have estranged me from thee thou knowest how to cure me if mine utter impoverishings will cure me let me be as poor Job if thou wast not such a Physician as thou art I was past cure Meditat. III. Lord I am come now to power out my soul before thee and my tears in thy bosome to tell thee the sad thoughts and sorrows of my heart Ah my God in this bitterness of my Soul and with tears in mine eyes and pride
in my heart and sencelesness upon my Spirit I speak these things Ah Lord thou hast scourged me with scorpions for my sins do encrease as well as my afflictions these afflictions to me are scorpions to me they have poyson in them and at once I am scourged and stung with them a sad ease it is when my punishment is heavier than I can bear and yet notwithstanding I go from the presence of God too and that more and more My tears dry up in mine eyes and my love goes out of my heart as soon as kindled When the Candle of the Lord shined upon my Tabernacle in my first conversion when the fire of thy love was kindled in my heart I have had some discourses of devotion that I was not able to bear the ravishment that the remembrance and meditation of them brought to my soul now almost as full of sadness as then of joy after those times as those after the Flood my joyes and the acts and workings of my grace grace grew very short liv'd in comparison of what they were before then they were Methusalems for age and Sampsons for strength to what they are now before though I fell spiritually sick and my strength and comfort was gone yet I was sensible of my weakness it was a pain and a grief unto me that I could not walk into the delightful Garden of the Spouse and to the sweet bed of his Spices I could weep for want of tears if not I could mourn for sorrow but now like a man that groaned and strugled so long that he can struggle no longer but grown senceless can hardly be perceived to breathe or live If the sweetest Musick should be plaid by him or the dearest friend in the world should come and ask him with tears in his eyes Dear Husband or Dear Wife how do you the poor sick one doth not so much as open the eye to see who it is that speaks or if open them they being presently heavy with death fall down again and he dies So is it with my poor Soul sometimes I can hear my Saviour as it were saying unto me for sometimes methinks I see him about my sick Soul Ah poor Soul how dost thou do Is my Joseph yet living But alas Lord thou knowest I have scarce strength or life to lift up mine eye to thee Lord Can these dry bones live Can these dry eyes weep Can this frozen Heart be enflamed Meditat. IV. Lord I am ashamed to consider what I know of thee when I think what I do for thee Ah my God the cares of the world lie heavy upon me Resolutions though never so strong are too weak to overcome my corruptions Alas I can scarce say any more then I have said in the confessing and bewailing my sad spiritual condition though I have said nothing to what I should say Have I not told thee Lord with tears in mine eyes and with a sad heart that I found my Corruptions get ground of me my prayers my tears my resolutions and some endeavours do resist but cannot overcome them these keep them from prevailing so soon but not from prevailing I humbly confess or desire so to do that I may complain to thee but I should add to mine abominations exceedingly if I should complain of thee Mine heart doth alwayes tempt me to it when I consider what I was and what I am it is a Talent of lead upon my soul yet since my preaching thou art glorified and thy people edified more then if I should spend all my time in private Meditation I am willing to submit only I do humbly beseech thee with tears in mine eyes that though I have less time to spend in such private duties yet that my poor Soul may not lose her love to them and though I perform fewer duties I may not perform them worse then I did when I performed more Meditat. V. I do much wonder at my self and at many nay some what at all Christians upon dayes of humiliation but most at my self to hear the tongue of a poor Christian confessing and his eyes weeping for his sins and speaking of them with such expressions and such fighs that one would think Surely this Christian keeps a strict communion with God surely he would not sin for a world surely God is in all this mans thoughts And yet stay but whil'st he hath done his prayer and you find in him such strong thoughts words and actions that are almost incredible loose and idle words and vain thoughts I but too often experience it and makes it even past hope it should be otherwise with me If any Town that was straightly besieged with cruel enemies should send for aid to such or such and when they came they should send out most of the Town to joyn with the enemy against those that came to help them What should we say of such people Lord just thus are we We have a world of corruptions and temptations Sin and Hell and Satan all beset us and violently assault us we pray for the help of God against them day after day We send our prayers to heaven for assistance Well God doth send his holy Spirit to helpt his poor Soul in the Ministery of the Word tells us what we should do to overcome these enemies and sending many motions of the Spirit to bring into our souls grace to strengthen us we will not do what he adviseth us to do nay but we take part with our corruptions and resist and fight against the power of â—he world to come O thy patience is not to be understood I am weary to think before I go to prayer how little fruit I expect from them I pray and pray and weep and hear and sigh and confess these as well as other of my sins and yet as a Ship in the Sea they do divide my corruptions for the present but they presently return to their former course Lord do not the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee to see me thy poor Servant in such a miserable condition as I am in Dost not thou see how sin and corruption do as it were lye gnawing upon me and eating up my very flesh and destroying my soul and I have neither hand nor foot to move against them Lord who is it that must make me hate corruption is it not thy Spirit who must overcome my resisting of thy Spirit is it not thy Spirit Lord I do not know in the World what to do to leave off striving were not only to despair of thy goodness because thou dost not help as much and when I will and besides if I cannot get ground nay though notwithstanding I lose ground yet doubtless I shall not go so swiftly down the stream as if I strove not at all if I must be forsaken by thee to all eternity yet Lord let me not while I live so fall that I should be a scandal to Religion Alass is it come to this O my soul
are gone out that were once kindled in me All the Fruit and Leaves and Boughs are stript from me there are all things to doe beside bare regeneration I am as an arm cut off so that it hangs only by a little skin a slender thread Lord this is my hope that my Corruptions and Satan that have quenched these flames that I have had shall never be able to quench this spark But alas that is a poor comfort that this is all my comfort that I shall not lose heaven though it be a thousand times too great a comfort for such a wretched sinner as I am to have It it nothing to lose all my comforts all my duties all my sweet Communion with thee or at least only so much of these remains as to keep me from being utterly cast off For one that had fared deliciously every day to come to have no more bread then to keep life and Soul together though he dies not yet he hath a miserable life Thus thus and far worse it is with me Meditat. IX I. I stood clear before thee O my God of those many sins of sencelesness under judgements fruitlesness under Ordinances mispending of time want of watchfulness of mine one wayes and for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ Only my sins of unkindness to the Lord Jesus Christ were enough to cause thee to take away thy Mercies from me I have heard and read the great Mystery of my Redemption of his being Scourged and Crowned and Nailed of his Bleeding and Dying for me of his great love and such things that if a Friend of this world had done or suffered the thousandth part so much his memory would have been precious Meditat. X. Ah my dear God thou hast been my God and therefore thou art my God how little can my Soul know by any thing that I now either do or feel I am fain to fetch Evidences and signs from actions done many years since My prayers and other holy Duties were Matter of more joy when I did them than now they have terrour in them Now I think I do them not as heretofore I have been assisted by thy grace Oh my lost Joyes and my lost Duties where I shall find you I know not the Joyes I had formerly and the great zeal of mine heart made me pray but now not out of feeling and zeal but for zeal and joy and I go from prayer with a sad heart and a hard heart My prayers come neither from my heart nor reach to my heart Oh my Lord Jesus Christ where are thy Motions and the Joyes of thy Spirit to work thine own work in me Why do I walk in this Valley of Tears not only without comfort but without grace I do even stand astonisht at my self to see the vast difference between my self now and when I was thine When the Candle of the Almighty shone upon my Soul and the Spirit of my God dwelt in me then sorrow and weeping flew away Alas I now have scarce any thing left me but carnal tears and one great cause of my grief and part of my misery is that I can weep no more sometimes indeed tears stand in mine eyes when I consider these things Lord give me Faith O give me Faith I feel a deal of Atheism in my heart Mine heart is so full of Corruption of all kind and all Degrees that I can feel no bottom of this stinking Ditch Mine imagination is divers times a through-fare for Satans blasphemous thoughts which my Soul abhors I may even sit down and spend the remainder of my wicked life in weeping and wailing and wringing of my hands and tearing off the hairs of my head My sad Soul may say to my God Art thou quite gone from me have all my hopes of thee been as dreams and empty shadows unto me and hast thou shown me so much of heaven and wilt thou make hell more terrible and bitter to me Shall thy sweet Mercies be turned into the Gall of Aspes to me not only to be bitter but deadly I have cause I have cause Lord to mingle my drink with my tears to water my couch with weeping Thou art too great a God to be dallyed withall and what do I else As our dearest Friends though we never so much delighted in their company while they were living yet we are afraid to be alone with them they are a terrour to us after the Souls have left their Earthly Tabernacles So my prayers while they were living prayers were a great comfort to my poor soul but now my prayers are without life and my Supplications are dead they are a terrour to me they look gashly upon me and I upon them Meditat. XI My dear God thou art not moved with words if we had the tongue of Men and Angels if we could speak as never man spake if our hearts meant no more than they do what would our vain words do I am ever weary of my life because of my Corruptions I can go no where nor do any thing but my coruptions follow me and tire me even out of my patience O that I could weep over my prayers to see how dead they are which way to turn I know not I have prayed a thousand times for another heart and yet mine heart is as hard as a stone and so full of hypocrisie Lord shall I cast away my confidence and lay down my weapons and put off mine armour because my corruptions are so strong and impetuous and deaden my very soul But alass what am I weary of not of my sins but of the accusations of my conscience that will not let me alone blessed be thy Name that I am troubled that I do not live holily Lord mine heart is entangled in the snares of the world blessed Saviour thou which hast overcome the world deliver me from the cares and love of the world Alass what good do my tears do me Dost thou bottle up such tears such puddle water in thy bottles let the bowels of thy compassion yern within thee towards my poor soul. it is full of sin but my sin is my sorrow though my sorrow itself is sinful if thou standest as a stranger to me I must give over my self for lost then I may say farewell prayers better to say farewel then to add to my former sins a greater guilt by defiling my prayers that are as Chariots to carry out my soul into the bosome of God What am I to stand against corruption or temprations I am no more able to overcome nay to resist them than to remove Mountains I have sinned away my joyes and sinned away mine hopes and even my God if thy mercies be not greater and what remains for my poor soul to do but to sit down in sorrow and even to mourn until my Soul be heavy unto Death It had been better for me that I had not been one to shew the way to others Nay but Oh my God that is best
for me that thou hast done for me Blessed God do but make me thine Meditat. XIII In the most serious addresses of my Soul to take hold upon God I find an unhappy frozenness benum the best of my Devotions and thereby I shew either that I am extreamly ignorant of thee Lord or what is worse sensless of thee The truth is I may justly tremble when I come to keep any day of Humiliation in thy sight not only because of the desperate sins I am guilty of but especially because such Duties do work little or nothing upon me and this is sure enough that those Ordinances that do not soften do harden I am in a great straight my Conscience drives me upon Duties and I dare not omit them and yet my heart is so hard and filthy that they do not purifie me So I am more defiled than before Ah my God thou knowest what afflictions are bitter and strong enough to purge these Corruptions Lord send them and though I am so vile that I do not now fervently and earnestly enough desire to be cured but yet Lord I know my want of desires of Reformation is one of my greatest Corruptions I desire to be cured of that or at least Lord thy Fatherly goodness I hope will take care to cure me of that and Lord this I know that when thou shalt send any such affliction upon me I shall it is too likely Murmure and be weary of the Chastisment of the Lord it may be I shall pray for the taking off of that Corrosive before it hath eaten away that deadness of heart and other corruptions that now lie upon me yet Lord do not yield to such prayers go on with thy Cure and if I be impatient cure that corruption also and every other corruption that shall appear in the time of cure of any corruption I shall bless thee one day for not hearing and not granting such prayers as shall be for my spiritual harm Lord Death is very bitter unto me surely it would not be so bitter if there were no Root of bitterness in me if I kept a stricter communion with thee in this world I should long for a full communion with thee in heaven for ever Meditat. XIII Alas Oh my soul may not I justly spend the remainder of my dayes in sighing to perceive my good from whose presence I have in former times had so much grace and comfort to be such a stranger now to me and what is worse mine heart so sensless of his absence The time hath been when my heart hath almost bled within me to think what a miserable condition I should be in if ever it should come to pass that it should be thus Lord why dost thou absent thy self from my poor soul If I were in a desertion of comforts I were in a far better condition but to be in a desertion of Graces and not to be troubled is a sad condition Me thinks I see my stock of grace grow weaker and weaker and more and more to languish as one that is dying the pulse grows weaker and weaker until at last it be no more O Lord what to say I do not know alas I cannot but call and cry pray Lord if ever thou wilt take pity upon a poor Miserable speechless Sinner Lord if thou wilt that I may overcome Lord I cannot get my heart to be content to be damned and indeed since then I must eternally be separated from thee I do not desire to get mine heart to be content but to struggle against it as long as I am able Meditat. XIV To have Satan and Corruption come and beset me as soon as I awake and to follow me all the day long and go to bed with me and to keep me waking to have no respite is a sad condition When I should awake with my God my good God who kept me and watched over me whil'st I slept to have Satan stand ready and hold his Temptations before mine eyes which way soever I look and to prevail so far with me as at last to make me scarce to hate the sin he tempts me to I feel in my Spiritual part an utter abhorring of the Sin I would give ten thousand Worlds rather than commit the Sin and yet I have much ado to refrain alas can my secure soul live Meditat. XV. I am in such a wretched temper as to be willing to offend my God and when I go about to grieve sorrow is far from me nay the grief which sometimes I feel is not strong enough to conquer the temptation when tears stand in mine eyes to consider the miserable condition of my Soul in being so proâ—e to Sin the Temptation encreaseth To hear one of thy servants groaning under thy hand and then to stand parlying with temptation and not rather be afraid that the same affliction c. Lord I am in thy hand for affliction lay what thou wilt upon me I must bear it and I would bear it patiently nay Lord though this Temptation be such an unwelcome guest and I am two weary of it yet so thou wilt give me grace to overcome my impatience I am content Lord as much as I can but alas my God to have Satan my Companion instead of my God I hope will never be pleasing to me Meditat. XVI Lord what vain heart thinks of thee it matters not except it be to discover the wretchedness of it thou hast more glorious Creatures to praise thee my praises and my thoughts of thee are so low and so unworthy of thee that thou mightest forbid me as thou didst the Devils to confess thee or to say any thing of thee My dear God if a World would buy it for one such sight of thee as might so ravish my Soul that I might never more see any beauty or taste any sweetness in any thing but in thee that I might see thee with open face that I might be transformed into thy image from glory to glory Lord thou art still beyond me the higher my thoughts are of thee the more thou art beyond me and above me when my thoughts are best my thoughts are lost in the meditation of thee as the stone that is thrown into the calm Sea makes greater and greater circles but can never reach the shoar Lord I am content I may be lost in my self so I may find thee Lord though there were none but thou and I in the world I had enough nay though there were none but thou and I in Heaven I had enough enough Though I have nothing to say to thee but what I have said a thousand times Thou art my God my Saviour my all thou art he whom my soul loveth yet though I have nothing else to say nor case there is any new rellish yet I delight to be alone with thee nay though thou saist nothing to my poor soul but what I have heard from thee yet let me still be in thy company I had
that enflames all thine Angels with love I have no way but to come before thy presence in hope that at the last shall be thawed if not inflamed thou wilt not put out the smoaking snuff of a Candle I am such an one enlightned and enflamed though now I send forth nothing but an unsavoury stench What shall I stand imperfect as I am thus speaking what I may and what I have to lay to my God Lord. Thou hast commanded in thy Word that if an Adulterer defile a Woman and she cry not out then he shall be put to death Lord Infidelity Hypocrisie and Vain-glory are come to undo me to defile my Soul and they have almost perswaded my Soul not to cry out To be ravished is a great affliction but to embrace the Adulterer is an abomination If I cry to Men for succour if I go to Ordinances Alas the Adulterer is a strong Man he hath locked the Doors of my Soul and none can break them open but thou only Lord do not thou stand knocking at the Door of my heart for the strong man will not and I am kept so fast by my corruptions I cannot come to let thee in Lord break open the Doors and come in to help me before I am utterly undone as it was with the Levites Concubine so will it be with my poor Soul Corruption after Corruption and Sinne after Sinne will so abuse her that she will be at last dead Alas me thinks I look upon my poor Soul as one looks upon a Ship tossed among Rocks in the Seas one sees it and pities it but knows not how to help it there comes a Wave and carries it with violence amongst the mid'st of the Rocks and makes it reel and stagger like a drunken Man and then all in the Ship are fain to pump and toil to save their lives at last it was dasht in pieces and all fain to get upon broken pieces of the Ship to swim to the shore if it may be My Soul is even labouring for life Lord what wilt thou do wilt thou be as a Man astonish't and as a Mighty Man that cannot help then I am undone then I may say if thou wilt not then farewel all my Duties farewel all my Graces and all my Comforts which I have had in the dear embraces of my God Ah must I not pray but with my Tongue Mast I have no more Comforts but what poor Creatures can give me Lord if I must perish let me perish in thy way let me convert many unto thee Though I know my Damnation shall be greater if I perish for living so contrary to mine owne Doctrine Lord I am a poor Miserable Man and a more Miserable Christian thou art I cannot possibly imagine what but I hope Lord I shall know these dayes of ignorance and sin will not alwayes last when my change comes I shall nomore sin and repent and repent and sin as I do now Oh my corruptions I hope one day I shall leave you all in the Grave behind me The day is coming when while I am praising God you shall not come and lie as a Talent of Lead upon my Soul and hinder my flight Come Lord Jesus come quickly Come while my Soul is filled with joy to think of thy coming O my God thou art enough for me for my Soul can hold no more Lord I am afraid of the joyes sometimes I have to think of thee Tears for my sins are fitter for me then tears of joy yet I dare not refuse them nay I cannot if I would they are so sweet so sweet Heaven is but a greater Measure of them Lord thou art enough enough for them that love thee Meditat. XXII To see a dead Man arrayed with all the Richest Clothes still there is more horrour to behold him then delight So my poor Soul looks gashly in all the Duties I perform I have a cold and dead soul for all them and more terrour there is in the deadness then there is comfort in the Multitude of them this I know by experience yet Christ is not sweet unto me My dear Saviour to whom I was so dear Lord Jesus give me a heart that may feel thy sweetness I am convinced that thou art so but my poor heart hath not enough tasted the sweetness of this Truth That all things are Dross and Dung in comparison of Christ Lord here is Mine Estate Mine Health My Life My Liberty and all that I have and had I more I would freely give all give but such a heart as I desire and the same will I consecrate unto thee in Spiritual affections all my dayes now I think thus with my self When I was most desirous of and addicted to Humane Learning it was wonderful delightful to me to be instructed in some new truth or to have some difficult question clearly resolved To read the Mathematicks was wonderful delightful because they prove such strange things then I have recourse to the Word of God and by that I am assured that all the Treasures of Wisdom and knowledge are hid in Christ and in his Gospel then further I have recourse to the experience of the people of God in the Word of God and in particular to Paul who being a Learned Man yet accounted all things as Dross and Dung in comparison of Christ I have also recourse to the experience of several godly persons I know of the abundant sweetness and excellency of the knowledge of Christ therefore Lord though I have not at this present the power and ravishing feelings of Christs Excellency yet assuring my self all these wayes whereby I fully do assent to that truth That it is life eternal to know thee and Jesus Christ I do beseech thee O Lord to give me a fuller knowledge of thee in Christ I beseech thee I beseech thee Let not my undervaluing of this knowledge cause thee to deny it I shall more value it if I had more of it Lord I know if thou shouldest look in me and my life to see what thou canst find to hinder the granting of this request thou maist find enough nay I that know my self not so well as thou dost know enough and enough nay I know nothing to move thee in my self except something I have had from thee those things I have so abused that I know they may be swift witnesses against me But Lord if thou shouldest give me this knowledge of them I might do great things for thee Lord hear me Alas Lord my desires to know Christ do even die while I am praying to know him Alas Lord such an heart as I have is fit for none but thee for none in the world can tell what to do with it but thou only It is past the skill of all in Heaven and Earth but thee it is not in the power of Ordinances and Duties if thou shouldst not set in I would pity the Soul of my greatest Enemy if I should see it in
such continual storms troubles as are in mine there are new corruptions appear such as I may term them nothing so fitly as sparks of of the fire of Hell to have ones heart rise against God when the continual desire of ones soul and prayer is that one might be inflamed with the love of God Lord while I am working my heart to a serious thought of thee endeavouring to have my heart full of admiration of thee and affiance in thee before I pray unto thee that if it may be my prayers may be as an Arrow drawn up to the head but when I go about to pray and send up my petitions my thoughts of thy Glory and Goodness slack and it fares with me oh my Soul as sometimes it doth with one that is tying knots when one hath pulled the first very hard yet it slacks before one can tye the second it I keep but a strict communion with thee and did as thou desirest Lord why shouldest thou desire us alwayes to be with thee how should we be acquainted with thee far more then we are and if we knew thee more how shoould we love thee more and if we loved thee more how should we know thee more For thou revealest thy self to them that love thee Alas O my Soul why should not we alwayes be with God since he gives us leave How gracious art thou to invite such sinners as we are to come to thee For thee to wash our souls clean with the Immaculate blood of the Lord Jesus Christ Alas Lord I am Mine own enemy nay I see it and know it and it cannot be otherwise Lord I am so tired out with my corruptions that I am even weary of my life and almost weary of my Duties Lord even at this present how when my â—oul was so troubled that mine 〈…〉 were ready to weep there 〈◊〉 a thought of a poore worldly business into my Soul and my thoughts and sorrows for heavenly Matters are gone Meditat. XXIII O my God how coldly without love how doubtingly without faith do I call thee my God! Lord how careless am I in thy service how very careless How long Lord holy and true shall I be thus laden with corruptions Nay which is my greatest Misery I am not but very little sensible of my own vileness that makes me that I do not hunger after righteousness Blessed Lord I do humbly prostrate my Soul before thee and do with all the weak power of my soul importune the Merits of my dear Saviour I pray thee to look upon me in Mercy When the poor wounded Man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho lay half dead and speechless in the way though he was not sensible of his Misery yet the good Samaritan was though in his Tongue did not could not call for pity yet his wounds opened their Mouthes wide and spake aloud to the Samaritan Though his eyes shed no tears yet his heart wept blood at his wounds and mov'd compassion Like to that poor wounded Man I am so weak so sick that I am scarce sensible of mine own desperate condition Lord though my heart be not full of love it is full of wounds Lord thou knowest my Miseries I humbly beseech thee to pity me not according to my Prayers but according to My Wants Lord that I do not desire to serve thee that I do not hunger nor thirst after righteousness it is the greatest Misery that I have Meditat. XXIV Oh how terrible is the thought of Death to me is it not so much for want of Faith as holiness and indeed I find that I can never with comfort think on death but when I have liv'd very holily before for what will Faith in that case help Me without holiness for Faith without holiness is not faith but presumption Oh how sweet how dear how excellent a thing is holiness Oh how full of peace and joy is my Soul when I am full of that and yet Lord how careless am I of thy service how many times in the day when I might think of thee without any hindrance of My Studies do I choose rather to think of vanity O wean my Soul O God from every thing that is not thee Fill my heart with thy self dwell in me my dear God! Why do I call thee dear when I prefer every trifle before thee O most glorious Lord God whom ten thousand Worlds cannot sufficiently praise nor love which art thy self and canst be no more nor canst be no less how easie Lord is it for thee to change My Heart Mine heart of Stone for an Heart of Flesh Lord as long as I have this heart of stone there is no hope that I should serve thee with any chearfulness or any constancy Lord hear my prayer Meditat. XXV O blessed God if the way of thy Providence be such that thou wilt not give so much Grace as to make me through the abundance of it almost whether I will or no to serve thee yet to whom thou dost give so much grace as to desire more grace O let not this desire which is of thy own infusing be in vain if there be any thing in the whole world that I desire more then thy grace then let me want grace to desire it any more Lord if the reason why thou deniest my prayer be because I do not desire as I ought I humbly beseech thee to grant that I ask aright alas my afflictions lie heavier on me then ever they did and I am more wicked or at least less holy then ever since my conversion I was how little am I affected with any thing that belongs to thy service nor yet doth it affect me that I am not affected Lord if there were any in heaven or in earth that could help me besides thee then considering my Manifold Sins I should I but Lord I would not thy Mercies are so great go to any other Now Lord now is the time to have Mercy upon me I am like the Man that went from Jerusalem to Jericho wounded naked and half dead I cannot call for help O let my wounds move thee to compassion if I could bewail my sinful Misery with tears of Repentance I know thou wouldest deliver me but I cannot weep nay hardly mourn Oh saint faint is my grief and cold is my love What wilt thou do Lord with one that scarcely from his heart desires to serve thee Alas what canst thou do for me more or less then to make me desire to serve thee Accept I must or for ever be lost What a low degree of goodness am I come unto a soul full of sadness and empty of goodness To morrow Lord I am to receive thee into my Soul thee my blessed Saviour Lord thou knowest I did not use to have a heart so empty of goodness when I expected thee to come next day Meditat. XXVI Lord now I do resolve to serve thee and in this particular especially I will not speak evil of any
of thy Spirit to blow upon a Garden of Spices is not so much for the advancement of thy Free grace as for thee to shine upon and thy Spirit to breath upon such a Dunghil as I am that sends forth such unisome savours as I do Lord if thou wilt be my God I have a body and a soul I will give thee them 'T is true they are thine already but alas if I had any thing to give that were not thine I would but I have not Meditat. XXXII Lord I wait to see the day of my Salvation and the hour when thou wilt shew me thy loves and when I shall lie in thy bosome and arms and hear the beatings of thy heart in love and the soundings of thy bowels towards me and know thy everlasting thoughts of love to me when thou shalt seal the pardon of my sinnes to me and make me read thee Counterpain of the Covenant of love between thee and me which thou reservest in Heaven and is fair and not blotted as mine is and when shall the day of the love and joyes of my Espousals return and my thoughts be swallowed up in love Lord why shouldest thou with-hold thy love the Manifestations of thy love Can thy love be concealed from thy Beloved I will wait for the Discoveries of thy love I am loth to do any thing before thou comest whom my soul loveth for fear thou shouldest come when I am not looking for thee and thou escapest me I look every Prayer to see thee come leaping on the Mountains and skipping upon the Hills as a Row or an Hinde But I see thee not Why dost thou put a Spark of Love into my heart If thou wilt leave me why didst thou cast thy Mantle upon me and when I low after thee say what hast thou done thy loves are better then Wine sweeter then honey even more to be desired then life it self Lord if the small Sparks and relishes of thy Love be so sweet to me what will the feeding on this heavenly Manna be If a drop of thy love be so sweet what will the overflowing be If thy smiles bring so much joy what will thy embraces do Lord I long till I am undone with thy love All my carnal and Worldly Joyes undone Lord it is not my unworthiness that should hinder me nor will hinder me from bestowing Lord help my unbelief VVell Lord if I must walk in darkness and see no light yet give me thy Grace that I may stay my self upon my God My life is but short and when the hour of my departure shall come then I shall enjoy him whom my Soul loveth and know as I am known then I shall forget the sorrows pains and throws of my travel for the joy that shall be revealed My Bride saith come and the Spirit saith Come Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Meditat. XXIII I wait for the appearing of the Lord Jesus Christ if thy love be as fire in straw or such like matter lie smoaking and makes ones eyes weep while one strives to find the fire at last it being able to hold no longer breaks forth into a great flame and the longer it is before it discovers it self the greatter is the flame and light when they do break forth Lord whilâ—st I am looking for thy love thou makest me weary let the length of thy stay be made up by the fulness of thy Presence and Greatness of thy Manifestations when thou comest I seek thee in my Prayers and I say O where art thou whom my soul loveth and yet thou sendest me away weeping and mourning I seek on my bed when I awake in the night but I find thee not I speak with those which have found thee and they tell me nay I know it by thy word that thou art near to every soul that seeks thee and when a poor soul cries thou wilt answer it then I multiply my prayers and call lowder and yet my prayers are as the wind that passeth away and returns no more O my Lord and my God thy love was strong enough to suffer and thou didst suffer and thou didst die that thou mightest make known and commend thy love unto the Sons of Men and now thou hast done all this to manifest thy love and wilt thou hide it from me Creature-love hath wrought strange in me I have never been weary of their discourses and humane learning how hath it made me ravisht with some learned saying and if thou wouldest discover thy love and shed that abroad in my heart certainly it would work wonders For the Creatures flames of love are but as a blaze that straw makes but is soon out it hath not substance enough to nourish and maintain what it begets For Creature-Excellencies are not strong enough to keep up the delight we take in them but thou Lord art love and thou art such a treasure of excellencies that the poor soul makes new discoveries of those treasures every day To all Eternity thou art enough to keep alive and in full strength all the love and joys and praises of Saints and Angels Lord thou art enough to answer thine own love but what am I that I should speak of thee thou art so glorious that I am afraid to speak of thee Meditat. XXXIV Lord I call and thou dost not answer I am even tired out if thou dost not support I sink under the burden I long and look to see thy beauty but I cannot behold nor perceive one glympse that thou art excellent I see by the eye of faith but excellencies do not affect me All my prayers are turned unto this Lord shew me Christ and him whom my soul loveth for I have heard of him and the same of his excellencies have come unto me yet mine eyes have not seen him I think with my self Surely Christ manifesting himself and to be filled with all the fulness of God and to have a conversation in Heaven must needs signifie more then ever I have experienced in my self For such poor things as I have found wrought in my soul cannot fill up those expressions Then I hear of those whose lives are spiritual and Christ-like not glorious in out ward mortifications Thou art blameless that way speaking of such things which God hath wrought for them and in them which I have not found but are the very same things which are in my view and I follow after to attain but cannot Then from their relation of the Lords dealings with them I perceive that God did humble them more before he did discover himself unto them then ever he hath as yet humbled me so that I find no rest day nor night in my spirit and yet though I am thus restless in seeking after something which I cannot know what is it I seek for I cannot discern any true sincere constant love to Christ. He neither lets me know that he lovesme nor that I love him so that I stand amazed and know not what
to do and still by the help of God I will not cease to cry and call upon him for whom my soul I doubt not but would love if he discover his beauties and love unto me and work them on my heart I seek for one who I cannot tell who he is before I find him then I shall know and shall tell to all who he is and set forth his excellencies though they shall as little understand me a I do them who declare the things that God hath wrought for them Medit. XXXV There is not such an one in the world as I am that I know Publicans and harlots I justifie them I in the midst of ordinanees and mercies in the midst of the flames of love nay when thou layest on me that affliction that is now fresh bleeding in mine eyes or rather despised and forgotten I should have learnt obedience by things I suffered and I have done as if I were to learn to sin by them Thou hast chastised me with rods and I have put the sting of sin into them and have made them scorpions Thou sendest them for Antidotes and I have turned them into poyson Lord teach me what it is wherein thou art so offended to leave me thus Lord I believe thou hast pardoned me but small is my comfort when thou pardonest sin but subduest it not Meditat. XXXVI Lord I do so evidently find my self unable to judge of truths or to resist temptations that I almost nay altogether lye at the mercy of every temptation and to be carried about with the wind of every vain doctrine if thou dost not stand by me what should I tell thee the secret puddle of my heart I am weary of the stench and filthiness of it there is not a prayer but they meet me at it and lye as a talent of lead upon me if my heart were all on fire with thy love these things could not be I sometimes have thoughts rising in my heart that are wicked proud and foolish thoughts I begin to be offended that I begging for the manifestations of thy love yet have them not but those thoughts no sooner begin to arise but I consider what am I that thou shouldest give me thy love sand how can I expect the manifestations of thy love when I will not give thee my love but let it run wast upon the creature How many times do I chuse to do anything rather then spend my time in Meditation and Prayer nay to do nothing and be idle for although thou lovest us first yet thou dost not usually discover thy thoughts of love to a Soul before she hath made over her love and her self unto thee then I think thou canst by the power of thy Spirit bring in my heart my Soul and my love and that usually ere thou dost ravish the soul with the discoveries of thy love this I know and let all the world know it that whatsoever wicked thoughts do arise in my weak heart which I cannot answer I know that all thy wayes are holy just and good Lord what shall I give for the sheddings abroad of love in my heart that which should be given for it were it at the utmost parts of the world I could fetch it thence But Lord the price of it already paid 't is near unto thee even at thy right hand O thou most High he hath paid for this Mercy by his blood long ago and my Prayers thou requirest not as a price Lord fill me with these Spiritual Supplications that I may give thee no rest nor take any rest my self until I have found him whom my soul loveth Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Meditat. XXXVII O Lord beat me and drive me with storms and Tempests I am come unto thee like the Prodigal Son for all but that which most of all I should have a Spiritual Sorrow ragged and tatter'd and undone My Sins and Misery are like his not my sorrow For me to see my self languishing my Graces daily grow weaker my love colder and even almost to be speechless in prayer Alas the Sorrow that I have is rather bewailing my Misery then my Sin I know not what it is Lord but thou dost Sure I am my condition is sad and I am sad and my sadness is all the poor remains of Comfort that I have and yet I no sooner begin to take any comfort in my grief but I perceive so much hypocrisie in my Grief that the poor Spark of Comfort that I have is put out Alas Tears of Blood were fitter for me then dry eyes O Lord must every trifle steal away my heart from thee Thine Excellencies are too high for me Wisdom is too high for Fools O that thou wouldest take me out of my own hands and deliver me from my self and howsoever my heart is not importunate enough now I shall thank and praise thee to all Eternity if thou wilt make me thine Thou hast done as much to draw me with the Cords of love even to wonder Lord do thou snatch me as a Fire brand out of the firâ— if thou shouldst stay till I am willing without thy making me so I am lost For I shall never part with these painted Vanities for all the glory in heaven except thou givest me the eye of Faith to see it and a Spiritual palat to relish it Meditat. XXXVIII O Lord wilt thou let a poor sinner lie gasping out his last breath at thy feet and die in thine arms I have aboundance of love for the world O that thou hadst it all I am sure I am not and shall never be at quiet untill thou hast it nor would I sleep until I am in thine arms of love My dearest God how comes it to pass that my heart cannot give it self to whom it will Had I a thousand worlds I would give all for thee that I might be thine O my soul why should we stand consulting and contriving what to do God is ten thousand times more then all things Why should we weigh a Talent of Lead and a Feather together to see which is heaviest O Lord My soul hath chosen thee long ago I have abundance of experience of the Truth of those things which I have believed I am thine and thou art my God Thou hast chosen me and I have chosen thee Is I should be so vain at any time as to leave thee thou art the same and thy choice fails not Thou Lord which mad'st me chuse thee whilest I had no experience of thy love wilt make me continue my choice Lord that any one should choose hell beforâ— thee It makes thee not to be less glorious Lord must my Blasphemies praise thee I find so much hell in my heart that it is not troubled in any proportionable Measure that there is so much hell in it When I set apart an hour for Meditation and Prayer then I kept my heart somewhat close But at other times I am little careful to improve what I read
or hear to enflame my heart I had better not set an hour apart and give thee all the day by thinking alwayes of thee Lord I do now acknowledge for then I shall not but if thou shouldest leave me I should be too much given to blaspheme thee Nay blâ—ssed God let that never be Lord it shall never be When I consider the desperate hypocrisie of my heart I may every Morning expect that thou shouldst give me up to a râ—probate sense to commit sin with greediness when I think of these things I pour out my soul within me To think with my self I shall lose my Estate a little troubles me to think I shall lose such a friend it affects me more but to think I shall lose my God and become an Apostate that 's a hell unto me I have begged of thee as for my life that thou wouldest not leave me and now I beg O forsake me not utterly To have such a heart that will neither inflame my words nor be inflamed by them is that which hath not been so Lord except thou wilt follow one that will not stay when thou callest and overtake one that runs from thee when thou followest I am lost Well I am sure my froward and careless carriage will justifie thy justice if thou condemn me and magnifie thy Mercy if thou savest me Meditat. XXXIX Lord this day is thine own and by being thine is the more mine I must now burn without coals about me The time hath been when if I had been cold and dull the Society Exprâ—ssions and Examples of others in dayes set apart to thee would have inâ—lamed me Now the company I have is water and snow Wo is me that I am constrained to have my habitation in the Tents of Kedar and yet Lord thou art never wanting Thou sendest forth thy beams of light and heat if I bring not Clouds over mine own head I may have enough light from thee Lord when will these dayes of sin be ended and the time of refreshing from the presence of the Lord come I come into thy presence but when I am come I am silent and deaf neither able to speak to thee nor hear the sweet whisperings of thy Spirit O that I had a heart to give my self unto thee or that thou wouldest take these poor longings of my Soul for a Gift and thereupon take possession of my Soul My dayes of leaping for joy to think of thee are gone and now my dayes of sorrow to see mine own vileness are come My tears are now my Meat and Drink O that I had more of them so they were more Spiritual I am a poor creature but thou art the rich God My poor heart why dost thou not speak why art thou silent what saist thou Is not God a good God what relish or sweetness is there in these words if thou dost not set to thy seal Lord to thy glory though not to my comfort be it spoken Thou hast been a good God to me but I have no comfort from this truth if I never relish it yet if mine heart will be so wicked and vile and base as not to acknowledge it yet my hand shall write that which shall witness for my God against my self Thou art good patient and Merciful unto me enough to make earth and heaven to wonder at thy goodness and my vileness Ah my God my God must my words go beyond my thoughts of love to thee Lord thou art enough for heaven enough for thy self and art thou not enough for me Try O my Soul try thou wilt never trust before thou knowest this by experience thou knowest abundantly that the creature hath told thee It is not in me this thou knowest by experience and by faith thou knowest it is in God Well then lay all thy weight and strength upon him and none upon the Creature Hold upon him with both hands or else thou wilt attribute the greatest failing unto God For as he that stands upon never so strong a place if he lean against a rotten wall he shall fall and one that is asleep when he falls will not know whether fail'd him and so if we do but lean to our own wisdom we shall happily think that God fails Lord I wait I long for thine appearance Thou art enough Lord I know not what to say I am undone without thee Lord I hear the poor fly oh how it flies up and down Now it is warmed and revived with the warmth of the Sun yesterday it lay still as dead surely Lord if thou wilt shine upon my Soul I should be active and chearful in thy service No marvel heaven is so full of thy praises when thou communicatest thy self so fully to them The Crumbs that fall from thy Table are too much for me these temporal blessings are more then I can challenge yet Lord I cannot be content with them give me thy self and it sufficeth for all is nothing and shares without thee Meditat. XL. Alas my God Pride and Despair divide my life When I find any thing I do in some manner as I should I begin to be pust up and think that I do more then some others of Gods people and when I look upon my failings these thoughts begin to arise It is in vain I shall never overcome such corruptions My Sinnes doe me more harm by discouraging me then in the commission Meditat. XLI Lord There is no peace until thou hast all our love while our heart is divided between the world and thee we can have no quiet Natural conscience draws one way and Natural Corruptions another way It is our ignorance that makes us think that there is not enough in thee to satisfie all our desires and supply our wants which makes us joyn the Creature with thee When Lord when shall all my thoughts be of thee I am weary of being thus divided Lord if I can dispose of my self I give my self wholly to thee O refuse not that gift which thou hast so often desired thou hast said give me thy heart Lord my heart longs whilest thou hast it If thou saist that I do not give my self freely and wholly enough alas nor never shall until thou take my heart and discoverest the secrets of thy love unto me when thou dost that I shall run after thee Lord heâ—e's my poor soul it lies at thy feet groveling and gasping for life the Creature hath left me and I have left the creature and would not that it should have any more of my love but it still woes me and follows me for my love unless thou overcomest these strong corruptions I shall never be at quiet Meditat. XLII Sometimes my heart begins to be fill'd with joy so that I am ready to cry out Thou art mine exceeding joy and then I consider what I shall do for I am afraid that my joy is false When I consider how I came by it whether my prayers have been more servent and frequent of
late or my repentance more profound in the midst of this consideration I can hardly say but think with my self VVhy should I delay or refrain my enjoyment of God and am ready to say within my self The false joyes in God are better then the true joyes of the world these joyes are too sweet to let go Lord Jesus when thou kissest me with the kisses of thy mouth I will kiss the Son lest he be angry Lord thou art too good for me if I may say so how could I ever expect that thou shouldest come near me more the poor love I have makes me say a thousand worlds and a thousand heavens for my God the small beams of the light of thy countenance are so sweet Lord if thou wouldest but continue the joyes thou sometimes affordest I had enough I need not the comforts of the world to make it up nor fear the afflictions of the world though one need continual supplies comforts to support one yet they could not spend them Meditat. XLIII I will go to God saith David he is mine exceeding joy a sweet saying O that there were such a heart in me yet I have an unâ—nflamed heart a frozen heart if I leave all things and my self I should find thee but these poor joyes of the world quench the joys of the Spirit I shut out the glorious beams of thy heat and light and light up the Candles of the Creatures which have neither heat nor light in comparison of thine When I go about to rejoyce in thee My sins come and tell me that they must be mourned for first Any thing Lord any thing so that I may do what is pleasing in thy sight I am willing to stay for my joyes while thou art pleased to give them Only I beseech and desire these three things of thee 1. That I may not want grace though I want joyes 2. That I may not go about to make up the want of thy joyes with carnal joyes let me not kindle a fire walk and rejoyce in the light and sparks of what I have kindled c. 3. That though thou hast kindled joy yet that I may have sorrows that are Spiritual Lord how abundantly good art thou to them that love thee I lie under the weight of thy love and thy joy when I come hungry and thirsty to 〈◊〉 to be satisfied with thy joy to 〈…〉 lie now as a ship upon 〈…〉 while the Tide of thy 〈…〉 and lift me up and carry me into the Ocean of thy goodness When Mary Magdalen stood weeping at the Sepulchre thou didst call her by her name and she forgot all her sorrows she left her tears the Sepulchre and the Aâ—gel and cried out Rabboni My heart makes me believe that I would give the whole world to see Jesus Christ for I think if I could see him I should lie down at his feet and beg his grace and he would not deny me This is part of my weakness and want of faith for he hears my prayers as fully and is as willing to grant them now he is in Heaven as if he were on earth Lord Jesus thou that never did'st deny any poor soul that came to thee for grace and pardon thou never sendest them empty away but grantest their request Have mercy upon me O Lord my need and wants are as many and as great as many and as great as any of them all and if my sense of my misery be not so great my misery is so much the greater Meditat. XLIV Lord I perceive that spiritual sorrows and spiritual joys are wholly thy work for my sins are as many as great and of as deep a dye as any in the world that is not the sin against the holy Ghost and I am fully and sensibly convinced of it that they are so and yet I am as senceless as if my condition were quite hopeless for were it not so could I possibly be so feared as I am Thou hast said I will take away the stony heart Lord if thou wilt work who or what can hinder My corruptions and my sins have and do harden my heart by having and committing them nor will they soften it by considering them What hinders thee from taking away the infidelity and stoniness of my heart If that hardness and infidelity doth why that is the thing to be cured If I were not sick I need not a Physitian Lord I say not this to justifie my self for it is thou of thy free grace that must justifie me for I am lost And so for Joyes and Comforts though I read and hear of the Comforts that thou pourest out on others I am not moved nay those very Stories and sayings which have formerly inflamed me now are as sparks falling into the Sea warm not at all alas when I shall meet thee at the last day thy Mercies they shall testifie against me when they shall witness my sleightings of them my fruitlesness under them and unthankfulness for them What can I say Alas my poor soul we are undone but that day is not come yet one hour more the Lord it may be will give me Come Lord Jesus Come quickly Come into my poor soul for I am afraid to meet thee at the Tribunal of thy Judgement If thou wert on the Earth methinks I could go with confidence to thee that thou wouldest hear me but now thou art in heaven I cannot Blessed are they who have not seen and yet believe Lord I have received double for all my sins in respect of any profit or pleasure I have had by them I have had full measure prest down and running over but alas my vexation of Spirit is more gall then all the pleasures that I have had that have been worldly The loss and want of the discoveries of thy love cannot be recompensed with all that the world hath thy loves are better then wine Indeed in respect of the offence to thee every prayer deserves hell Meditat. XLV Lord I am as afraid of Comforts as of terrours for when I have comforts I am subject to pride my self in them and instead of having sweet thoughts of thee have high thoughts of my self Afflictions breed sorrow and comforts pride Sorrow is better then pride My preaching is my temptation and and my accuser If I preach not the strictest wayes of God my negligence condemns me and if I domy Sermons condemn me For my life is hell I am afraid of publishing something I have by the help of thy Spirit written left my life should do no more harm by scandal then the writings should do good by directing to holiness and yet sometimes I think that if I publish and own such writings they would be a strong Engagement to live more holily But I have something against that also for that Motive would in short time lose its strength Such waxen wings would melt and let me fall to my former wayes and that holiness which is born up with such
carnal motives is a poor thing Lord how am I distracted and torn in pieces with these thoughts Nay Lord if thou wilt have me go with these burthens on my soul do whatever seems good in thine eyes If I may but drudge in thy house though I lie among the pots yet to be a Skullion in thy house is better then to sit at the Table of Princes Lord I am undone except thou work a miracle of mercy yet if I am undone it may be before thou givest me over and discoverest me to the world thou wilt let me do something more that I may glorifie thee and edifie the people nay it may be thou maist suffer me as long as I live to do much of which thou maist have glory Lord if my heart be not upright yet O that my actions and my Preachings may be such that men seeing and hearing them may be stirred up to glorifie thee by doing those things sincerely which I it may be do out of hypocrisie I am sure too much hypocrisie Lord I have begged for such a heart as may not deceive me nor dishonour thee O my God What shall I doe Nay Lord what wilt thou doe I am undone unless thou dost work mightily above all that I can speak or think according to that mighty power wherewith thou didst raise the Lord from the dead O that I might be so raised that I might return no more to corruption Medit. XLVI By this I know and am sensible It is not for any man to live by his own strength by my knowing how impossible it is for a sick Man to recover without thee If a living man cannot speak how can a condemned man live without thee If living bones cannot move how can dry bones live Lord thou meetest me not at Duties thou speakest not to me there Thou speakest to me in mercies and I answer not in judgements and I carry my self as a sleepy man that is unwilling to be awaked What wilt thou do with me Lord when I will neither speak to thee nor answer thee when thou speakest O the weakness of my graces and the power of thy Mercies Those sins I have had a mind to commit thou hast taken from me the opportunity to commit It is a comfort to me that I had not opportunity but it would be a greater comfort not to have a mind An Instance according to the Rules given for Meditating on the Scripture A Meditation on these words Isa 66. 2. But to this man will I look even to him that is poor and of a contrite Spirit and trembleth at my Word LET us seriously consider O my Soul That if an Angel or God himself from Heaven had spoken these words in our hearing as once Christ did to Paul when he was going to Damascus surely I think they would have very much affected us Is the Word of God less his Word because it is written I read that the Apostle 2 Pet. 1. 17 18 19. speaking of a voice that he himself heard from Heaven saith that he had a more sure word of Prophecy that is as I conceive that he was no less sure that the words of the Prophets were the very words of God then those that he heard with his ears Then lâ—t us not be less affected with these words then if we our selves had heard God himsâ—lf speak them 2. Nor let us think that they less concern us then if we had earnestly begged of God to tell us what he would have us to be do and as an answer of our prayers we had heard him speak to us from heaven in particular To this man will I look that is of a poor and contrite Spirit and trembleth at my Word For doubtless God hath not caused his VVord to be Written in vain at a venture for whomsoever should read it but knew not who they were should read it but he knew every particular person to whose hand his VVord should come and knew his word should come to my hands and I should read these wery words and therefore caused them to be written in particular for my sake though not exclusively Christ died for all his people yet Paul saith that he loved me and gave himself for me and Christ did think particularly of Paul and so of every one else for whom he died and gave himself up as a Sacrifice and Ransome particularly thinking on and intending every one that should be saved by his Death If a Minister should go to one that is given to Swearing and tell him of the hainousness of that sin and lay it home to his Conscience in private it generally doth affect him more then to hear the same sin reproved in publick yet he should as particularly apply it then though he had not in this respect so much reason to apply it as I have to apply these words to mine own soul For the Minister doth not nor can actually and particularly intend every one that is guilty of the sins he reproves for he knows not every particular person that is guilty of the sin he reproves as God doth every one that reads his word Therefore let us take this and apply it to our selves as if God had sent these words written with his own hand to us in particular VVhen it is said that the Scripture is written for our Learning c. Rom. 15. 4. I conceive the meaning is not only by way of sufficiency but by way of intention efficacy decree in resgect of his people that is not only that there is a sufficient matter in Scripture to instruct us but that God did intend and decree that this place of Scripture should instruct every particular one of his people that is instructed by it 3. And indeed what is the reason that I now read these words and do now intend to Meditate on them Is it not or certainly it ought to be that I should try whether I am such or whether I have such an heart and Spirit as these words signifie and if I am not so much as I ought to be that I should humble my self and be as truly sensible and as much affected and much more then I am with those bodily infirmities that lie upon me and if so be there were a receit given me which I had a long time sought for and endeavoured to get being assured that if I had it it would cure me Surely I should not only read it because I might be able to tell others what would cure such a Disease or to enable my self to discourse of that matter but I should read it with abundance of joy and unquestionable resolution to take it Alas Lord why do I not read thy Word so also where the unquestionable remedies of all spiritual diseases are set down Surely it is my senselesness of the mischiefs of these Spiritual Distempers that makes me so little affected with grief for them and with joy that I have found out the remedies for them 4.
Blessed God it is no more in my power to know thee by the strength of mine own abilities if thou dost not manifest thy self and thy truths unto me then it is for me to see the Sun without the Sun therefore Lord do thou take off the Veil that is upon my heart and understanding and that which is upon thy Truths I read in thy Word that my blessed Saviour did rejoyce in Spirit and give thee thanks because thou did'st hide thy Truths from those that were wise and prudent and reveal them unto babies O that I were of the number of those Babes to whom thou wouldest reveal thy Truths Lord give me a powerful Experimental knowledge of the Truths that are included in these words 5. And holy and blessed Father If thou wilt be pleased to let me know thy mind in thy Word though thy commands should be never so cross to my corruptions my base corruptions which have hindred me from a world of joyes grace and Communion with thee which if it had not been for them I might have had long ago I will do them by the power of thy might Lord forbid that I should be so wicked as to enquire of thee the Lord which I do or should do as often as I read the Scripture as we read the Jews did desire the Prophet Jeremiah to enquire of thee for them though they were resolved before-hand what to do Yet they said they would do whatever thou shouldest command whether it were good or evil O that I had at least a heart to resolve to serve thee If I must want let me want riches health liberty rather then grace Rather let me want strength then want a will to serve thee I had as good sin unwillingly as to do what thou commandest unwillingly Lord give me truth in the inward parts 6. Those things that lie plain in these words is That those that are of a poor and contrite Spirit that tremble at the Word of God are highly esteemed of him So that poverty of Spirit and Contrition of Spirit and trembling at the Word of God are the three things that are here so highly commended and prized by God 7. But now let us seriously consider whether we are thus qualified Am I poor in Spirit Those that are so have low thoughts of themselves and are not troubled that others have low thoughts of them too They like reproofs better then praises They do not murmure under afflictions but rather wonder they are no more afflicted Is it thus with us 8. Lord If there be any thing of poverry of Spirit in me if I take reproofs well or afflictions in any measure patiently certain it is it is not at all from my self I was born with as proud a heart as any and certain I am that I did not change mine own heart Thou takest away the stony heart we do not give thee it 9. But alas Lord I am far from being poor in spirit in any measure according to that which thou in thy VVord requirest My passion and the boylings of my heart my loving to be called Rabbi and to be esteemed by others and many other distempers and corruptions of that nature which I have daily to struggle withal evidently prove the pride of my heart nay and the afflictions that thou laeyst upon me plainly show what the corruption is that thou intendest especially to cure By the Medicine oft times one may know what the Disease is and Lord it is in vain if there were no other end in it then to manifest my distempers to thee for me to confess the secret pride of mine heart the strange windings turnings depths and the strange and new Monsters of pride and hypocrisie that I might daily discover in my self alass Lord thou knowest these altogether and since thou dost so what cause have I to wonder that thou shouldest shine upon such a dunghil as I am But Lord thou only canst cure me of this pride and hypocrisie of heart for my prayers cannot nay though I consider and am convinced of rhe desperate wickedness of mine own heart the vileness of my nature the abominations of my life yet these cannot work without thee as a plaister though it be never so excellent laid on the wounds of a dead man it draws not it heals not so are all consideration and convictons to a dead heart 2 But alass what is there in me whereof I should in any measure pride my self For others to have good thoughts of me is no very strange thing for so they had of the Scribes and Pâ—arisâ—es but for one that knows the baseness of his own heart the cernal grounds manner and ends of his actions and a thousand other distempers and corruptions for such an one to have high thoughts of himself is one would think impossible But as to God nothing is impossible that argues power so to such a heart as every one hath by nature nothing isimpossible that argues sin and we have more cause to wonder that we have not committed the sin against the holy Ghost then that we have done the evils that we have For certainly had God but given us up to the strength of our own corruptions and to Satans subtlety and malice to improve them we had committed that sin long ago And alass what good doth the high esteem of others do us are we ever a whit the more holy because they think us so Nay hath it not proved a means to make us more sinful God hath abundantly declared his wrath against this sin by that vengeance which he hath poured out upon Satan for being guilty of it how many severe threatnings are there in the word of God against pride and how many precious promises to those that are humble The Lord beholds the proud afar off but to this man will he look that is of a poor and contrite spirit and trembleth at his word 3. What are the things that cause thee to pride thy self Are they thy gifts either of edification or sanctification Consider that 1. They are very mean scarce any of thy calling hath weaker gifts of edification and no Saint under heaven hath weaker gifts of sanctification 2. Suppose thy gifts were great O what an heavy account must there be for mis-spending such Talents What way canst thou worse mis-spend them then by priding thy self in them Do men praise thee Alass thou mayest go to hell with their praises for so did the Scribes and Pharisees Do all men speak well of thee and dost thou pride thy self and rejoyce in that Fear and tremble at what our Saviour saith Wo unto you when all men speak well of you for so did their Fathers of the false Prophets 3. Consider how unkindly thou dealest with God thou dost as a woman that should deck her self with the jewels that her husband had given her but despighting his love gives away those Jewels to those with whom she played the harlot the more to entice them is
O my Soul how comes it to pass that we thought of these things no sooner 'T is a strange thing that our hearts and the world should so far deceive us that we should prefer every trifling thing before that which concerns us more then ten thousand worlds we have served the world which was not made but to serve us 1. Abhor thy life past Well I am resolved to leave you ye vain and sinful pleasures I will no longer dote upon you you have but too long bewitcht my soul. I might have had a thousand holy thoughts and prayers and Treasures of Alms laid up for Eternity which I am sure I should not have repented of when I come to die and you vanities have took up my time and stole away my heart and thoughts from these things Well I have enough of you I have done with you for the rest of my strength and dayes I will give unto my God 3. Turn thy self to God and say Blessed God wilt thou accept of the service of a poor wretch that hath spent so much of his time and strength upon base lusts vanities Nay surely Lord If thou wilt accept of such a wretch as I am such a heart such love such service as I have I will give to thee and for the time to come thou shalt be the very joy of my Soul and the deliciousness of my thoughts and dost thou indeed entreat and importune me to be reconciled how wonderful is thy Mercy that notwithstanding I provok't thee hitherto daily to thy face yet that thou shouldest follow after me to embrace me whereas what could be expected but that thou shouldest pursue me to destroy me Resolutions Well by the blessing of God I am resolved that though heretofore I have spent whole dayes in such and such like recreations which at best are but vanities for this moneth I will either not use such and such recreations at all or at least spend no more time any day in them then I do in Prayer and Meditation and I hope one day the Lord will work in me such a heavenly frame of Spirit that Prayer and Meditation shall be in stead of a thousand recreations David was of that temper for he saith that he will go to God his exceeding joy and that the Law of God was dearer to him then thousands of Gold and Silver and that his heart was ready to break for the very desires and longings that he had after God O my Soul that will be a rare time when it shall be thus with us Why should David love â—od more then we â—e forgave David much but he hath forgiven us more wâ—ll O my soul if thou wilt pray hard and follow hard after God thou little knowest what he will doe for thee and the joyes that he hath laid up for them that love him even in this world are unspeakable and glorious Conclusion 1. Pray Lord thou knowest the deceitfulness of my heart the strength of my corruptions and the multitude of Snares and Temptations which encompass me on every side especially when I am in worldly employments in company thou knowest how subject holy flames are to go out therefore be thou pleased by the holy breathings of thy Spirit to keep these holy fervours of love from being quench't 'T is not the strength of my resolutions that can enable me to resist temptations if I am not kept by the mighty power of thee my God I am lost 2. Praise God blessed be thou O God for an heavenly Motion or Desire that hath been wrought in me thou might'st have suffered me as thou dost thousands I have provoked thee as much as they never to be convinced of or affected with these Truths 't is thy wonderful Mercy that thou didst make me for such a blessed end as the enjoyment of thy self and much greater Mercy that thou hast let me know so much but most of all that thou hast given me a heart to desire and endeavour after it Bless the Lord O my Soul 3. Acknowledge thy failings alas Lord whatsoever is wrought in me that 's good had been far greater but that I am green wood to the sparks of thy love Lord pardon the iniquity of my holy services My highest and most inflamed thoughts of thee are unworthy of thee It is well that I have thee to love whom I need not fear loving too much After the Meditation is ended 1. Think with thy self which of these Truths or what passage of this Meditation did most warm thy heart and affect thee and fix it and treasure it up in thy thoughts keeping it as it were a Nosegay in thy hand to smell unto all the day 2. Set down this that thou hast resolved to spend no more time in such a Recreation then thou shalt spend in Prayer and Meditation 3. Go unwillingly from this duty and do not rush into worldly businesses but look to thy heart which is a slippery deceitful thing Meditat. II. Of the Mercies of God 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2. Pray beg of God that he would put such considerations and thoughts into thy heart that thou maist be so convinced of and affected with his goodness that thou maï'st love praise and serve him Considerations 1. Consider how much thou art engaged to God for bodily Mercies he hath given thee thy senses sight hearing and other parts of thy body It thou did'st want thy sight what woulst thou give for it if thou wast Emperour of the world How many thousand pound wouldst thou give A Diamond is not therefore worth no more then 6 d because a poor man can give no more if thou shouldst reckon up what thy hands feet health liberty were worth to what a vast Sum would they arise Thou hast all these things from God thou hast not them from thy Parents they know not before thou wert born whether thou shouldest be Male a Female thou maâ—'st say to God as David did In thy Book were all my members written 2. Consider what faculties of Soul God hath given thee What a miserable condition are mad men in those that are born Natural Fools Thou art well and thousands are sick thou hast plenty when thousands beg their bread 3. Consider what spirituality of Mercies God hath given thee how many thousand poor ignorant Heathens are there which never heard of God and of Christ who were born and bread where the Gospel is not preached but worship the Devil but thou dwellest in the Sunshine and under the droppings of the Gospel and are not these great Mercies and unvaluable If thou dost not value them it argues so much the greater goodness in God to bestow them upon thee nay hath not God made thee to know him he hath not only given thee the light of the Gospel but eyes to behold it 4. Consider the greatness of God why should he look after thee nay why doth he not destroy thee Thou art but a
Worm nay a Viper why doth he let thee hang upon his hand of Providence and not shake thee off into Hell fire As we walk we do not step out of our way to avoid crushing a Worm to death If we see an Adder or such a venomous Creature we go out of out way to destroy it God hath not dealt so with thee but when thou hast run from God he hath called after thee and would not suffer thee to perish though thou wouldest and when thou hast come against him with thy sins and thy rebellions he hath stood with stretched out arms to imbrace thee Are not these Miracles of Mercy O my Soul how many mercies dost thou receive from God even at that very time when thou sinnest against him 5. Consider the innumerable multitude the infinite greatness of his Mercies and the wonderful love wherewithall he bestows them How precious are thy thoughts toward me O God saith David I am sure thou had just cause to say also O my Soul The Mercies that God hath bestowed are wonderful but those that he hath promised are far greater What manner of love hath the Father bestowed upon us that we should be called the Sons of God! Now we are the Sons of God and it doth not appear what we shall be That he should make us his Sons is very much but that he should not spare his own Son that he might spare us is beyond all admiration Affections Admire the goodness of God Lord what is man what is sinful man that thou shouldest so regard him What am I that am the worst of men Why art thou so good to me that have been and am so bad When I was in my blood to the loathing of my person thou said'st unto me in my blood Live nay not only when I was weltering in my own Blood but in the Blood of Christ thou said'st unto me Live What did I ever do to deserve those Mercies or what have I or can I do to require them As thy glorious Name so thy Metcies are extolled above all praises 2 Admire thine own ingratitude Have I so requited my God O my Soul as to return rebellious for mâ— Mercies Hath God heaped upon me many glowings coals of love mercy and is my heart still â—ozen Must God on y be a looser by his blessings If mâ—n who is bound to do me good when iâ— lies in his power â—eâ—â—o vs a small coâ—rtesie on me how do I thank him whensoever I meet him but though God who is no way engaged of his free grace bestows thousands of thousands of blessings how do I live in the midst of them without ever regarding of them Nay my ingratitude is such that I make God a looser by his mercies If thou Lord hadst made me to beg my bread I should have been more thankful for one dayes food then I am now for a years Are his Mercies less because they are continued Alas O my Soul how foolish are we We do even daily provoke God to take away his blessings because we will not prâ—ze them while we have them and thâ—â— there is another thing wherein we do wonderfully ill if God doth but lay any affliction up 〈◊〉 us and take away but one mercy in stead of being thankful we have enjoyed it so â—ong and that he hath not taken away all we murmure and repine and rob him of all the praise that is due for the rest of the Mercies we enjoy Alas what doth God require of us for all his Mercies but this that we should love him with all our Heart Soul and strength 3. Stir up thy heart to Praise and thansgiving Bless the Lord O my Soul and all that is within me bless his holy Name Forget not all his Benefits who forgiveth all thine iniquities who healeth all thy diseases who redeemeth thy life from destruction who crowneth thee with loving-kindness and tender mercies Not love God not not praise God O my Soul why what could God require less at thy hands then these I have heard of one that being delivered out of a great and long desertion had much ado to stay within doors and not run into the streets and stay every one she met that she might tell them what God had done for her soul How do the Angels love and praise God to all Eternity and why should the Angels love and praise God more then I He never forgave them one sin he hath forgiven me thousands 't is true they are in glory so shall I be too if I be not unthankful for the mercies I have received Resolutions I am resolved for the time to come to sing Psalms the oftner I have not enough delighted in that duty 'T is strange that that which is the happiness of heaven I should find so little delight in well for this next Moneth I will spend one hour a week in meditating upon the Mercies and Love of God His Mercies are enough and great enough surely to take up so much time for in heaven Eternity is little enough to admire them Conclusion 1. Pray desire God that he would by his Spirit blow these Coâ—ls of Mercies that he may enflame thy heart with love and joy and prase of him alas otherwise the judgements of God will not affect us nor the Mercies of God enflame us 't is the Spirit that quickneth else Mercies will not profit 2. Praise God Call upon thy Soul again and again awâ—ken thy heart let it not be so drowsie at a work of so great importance 3. Acknowledge that were thy heart ought thy â—outh and thy heart would be filled with the praises of God acknowledge that is no wâ—nt of mâ—ttâ—r and Motives of praise in the Truths which thou hast considered but thy heart is so dead that nothing almost will work upon it After the Meditation is ended think with thy self what Truths did most affect thee c. 2. Write down thy resolution c. 3. Go unwilingly from this Duty Meditat. III. Of Sin 1. BE convinced of and affected with the presence of God 2 Desire God to assist thee in this Meditation Considerations 1. Consider seriously how much God abhors Sin and how odious it is to him this you may see both by what God hath said and what God hath done to shew the abhorrence of it 2. Sinners it is said that God loatheth them and they loathe God Zec. 11. 8. and God by his Prophet cryeth out saying O do not this abominable thing which I hate How often doth God prosess his hatred of Sin if one should spit in a mans face or lay Toads or Serpents in his bosome or whatsoever you could imagine it could not be so abominable to him as Sin is to God he hates it more then we hate hel how can we know any ones hatred of any thing but by his expressions and his actions suppose you should see one take some curious costly or rare Dish of Meat which he loved
besides I very well know as I said before that the Spiritual expressions between God and ones own Soul in secret are forgotten almost as soon as ended It is very unlikely that any should remember then ten years after as the most of these are I thought good to give an account of this matter lest I should be thought to have that holy frame of heart which many of the expressions in these Meditations argues that he had that used them and arrogate to my self that which is farre from me If any shall be offended at the brevity and shortnesse of my Directions of this great and weighty businesse of Meditation I shall onely say thus much as to that 1. That I am not willing to overcharge or affright New Beginners for for such I do very much intend this Treatise with too great a Number of Particulars 2. I would not have this swell above the bigness of a Manual for I have often observed that when one hath perswaded some to buy some Book and told them it hath been but a small price it hath been almost as strong a Motive the smallness of the price as the goodness of the Book and I would not be willing that both these Motives should be wanting to the buying of this Book As for the plainnesse of the Sâ—ile or Matter I shall thus excuse it if it ought to be excused I wrote this for the meanest and ignorantest sort of Christians that they might buy and understand it that they might buy it I have made it a Manaul that they might understand it I have made it plain and spoke to them in their own Language and to the Learned I say if any such shall read this Treatise Indocti rapiunt coelum and though I highly prize Learning yet I know that as to Prayer and Meditation and all other acts of Devotion wherein we keep a strict Communion with God and watch over our own Souls and experimental knowledge and acquaintance with and inflamed affections towards God will more avail us then all the Learning in the VVorld and doubtless it is not generally Ignorance in those that live under Ordinances but the Non-improvement of the Truths we know that will undo us if we do but improve these plain Truths viz that God is that there will be a Day of Judgement that we must die that we ought to love God with all our Heart with all our Soul with all our Mind with all our Strength that we should do as we would be done to I say if we did but improve these into practice we should attain to more holiness then if we knew a thousand times more and left those Truths as generally men do by them as things forgotten I doe very much think that the Truths of Religion have been spun into too fine a Thred of late dayes and some have observed that fewer have been converted of late years then formerly when fundamentals have been Plainly Powerfully and Practically prest upon the Conscience it is an Errour to think that Notions so they be Spiritual cannot be two accute or Speculative I have one thing to entreat of the Christian Reader and it was one end of publinging this Treatise that I might with it publish thâ—se my desires The thing that I am to request of you will neither be charge nor trouble It is your frequent serious servent Prayers that I desire of you I know it is used too much as a Complement among Christians to desire prayers of their Christian friends and they are too often Superficially promised and too seldom conscienciously performed Nor would I have thee whosoever thou art that fearest God account this my Request a thing of course and that it is at thy Liberty to grant it or no for suppose a poor Distressed Man overwhelmed almost swallowed up with the sense of his Miseries and wants should with Tears and strong importunities beg relief of thee Dost thou think it were an Arbitrary thing when it was in thy power to relieve him or not Mightest thou not justly expect that the next time thou wentest to pour out thy Soul before God that he should keep by him the denial that thou gavest that poor man and give it thee when thou in the distressed thoughts of thy heart makest thy prayer to him and dost thou think that the Lord will hold thee guiltless when one whose afflictions are many Corruptions strong Temptations to undergo shall in the anguish and bitterness of his Spirit desire thy prayers and thou refuse or neglect Consider whether at the day of Judgment thou wilt have any sufficient excuse to plead I have sometimes thought that the Bills that have publickly been put up for the prayers of the Congregation have been too little regarded it may be they have been too customarily and formally put up it may be â—o but it is not good for us to be Judges of evil thoughts little do we know what Terrours and Fears and Anguishes of Spirit overwhelm them while they are so little regarded by us O that we were sensible of others afflictions and sorrows whether spiritual or Temporal as they themselves are and as we would have them to be of ours were our Souls in their Souls stead And if the Lord should so by his providence order it as to bring us into those straits which we saw our brother in and would not afford him so much as our Prayers may we not justly expect that the next time that we our selves are in streights our consciences should take up a Parable and Taunting Proverb against us and say as Josephs brethren did we are verily guilty concerning our brother in that we saw the anguish of his soul when he besought us and we would not hear therefore is all this distress come upon us And that which I would desire thee to beg of God for me is That he would give me sincerely to aim at his Glory in all my actions but especially those that belong to my Ministry that I might not be as a broken vessel and that he would give me greater Discoveries of and love to himself and the Lord Jesus Christ and that he would give me gifts and strength and wisdom opportunity and a heart to serve him and mercies suitable to my wants that my afflictions may be sanctified my Temptations conquered and my Corruptions mortified One thing more I am to request of thee that is to do what I know is too much neglected by my self and I fear by others Thou art to pray for a blessing upon thy self when thou readest this Treatise and that God would make it a blessing unto others also into whose hands it shall come I desire you that you would help me with your prayers in this particular When we do but take our ordinary daily bread we crave a blessing how much more when we doe things that concern our eternal good When we take a Book to that end Spiritually to benefit by it do we