in it self not to love thee Woe is me answer me for thy mercies sake O Lord my God what thou art unto me Say unto my soule I am thy salvation Speake it out that I may heare thee Behold the eares of my heart are before thee O Lord open them and say unto my soule I am thy salvation I will runne after that voice and take hold of thee Hide not thy face from me that whether I dye or not dye I may see it 2. My Soules house is too streight for thee to come into let it be inlarged by thee 't is ruinous but doe thou repaire it There bee many things in it I both confesse and know which may offend thine eyes but who can clense it or to whom but thee shall I cry Cleanse me O Lord from my secret sinnes and from strange sinnes deliver thy servant I beleeved and therefore I wil speake Thou knowest O Lord that I have confessed my sinnes against mine owne selfe O my God and thou forgavest the iniquity of my heart I will not pleade with thee who art Truth and I will not deceive my selfe lest mine iniquity be a falle witnesse to it selfe I will not therefore pleade with thee For if thou Lord shouldst be extreme to marke what is done amisse O Lord who may abide it CHAP. 6. That he hath received all blessings from God and how hee hath beene preserved by him YEt suffer me to pleade before thy Mercy seate even mee who am but dust and ashes once again let me speake seeing 't is thy Mercie to which I addresse my speech and not man who is a mocker Yet even thou perhaps doest smile at me but turning thou wilt pitty mee What is it that I would say O Lord my God but even this that I know not whence I came hither into this a dying life shall I call it or a living death rather And then did the comforts of thy mercies take me up as I have heard it of the parents of my flesh out of whom and in whom thou sometimes didst forme me for I my selfe cannot remember it The comfort therefore of a womans milk did then entertaine me yet did neither my mother nor nurses fill their own brests but thou O Lord didst by them afford a nourishment fit for my infancy even according to thine owne institution and those riches of thine reaching to the root of all things Thou also ingraftedst in mee a desire to sucke no more than thou supplyedst them withall and in my Nurses to afford mee what thou gavest them for they were willing to dispense unto mee with proportion what thou supplyedst them with in abundance For it was a blessing to them that I received this blessing from them which yet was rather by them than from them For all good things proceed from thee O GOD and from my GOD commeth all my healthfulnesse And so much I observed afterwards when thou didst cry unto me by those instincts of nature which thou induedst mee withall both inwardly and outwardly For then first knew I how to sucke and to hee contented with what did please me and to cry at nothing so much as what offended my flesh After wards I began a little to laugh first sleeping and then waking for thus much was told me of my selfe and I easily beleeved it for that we see other Infants doe so too For these things of my selfe I remember not 2. And behold by little and little I came on to perceive where I was and I had the will to signifie what I would have to those that should helpe me to it but I could not yet cleerely enough expresse my desires to them for these were within mee and they without me nor could the ghesse of their senses dive into my meaning Thereupon would I flutter with my limbes and sputter out some words making some other few signes as well as I could but could not get my selfe to be understood by them and when people obeyed mee not either for that they understood me not or lest what I desired should hurt me then how would I wrangle at those elder servants that were to tend thee and the children that did not aptly humour me and I thought to revenge my selfe upon them all with crying And this is as I have learn'd the fashion of all Children that I could heare of and such an one was I as those who brought mee up told me although they may be said not to know so much rather thā to know it And now behold my infancie is dead long agoe yet I live still But thou O Lord who both livest forever and in whom nothing dyes because that before the foundations of the World and before every thing else that can be said to be Before thou art both God and Lord of all which thy selfe hath created and in whose presence are the certaine causes of all uncertaine things and the immutable patternes of all things mutable with whom doe live the eternall reasons of all these contingent chance med leyes for which we can give no reason tell I pray thee O God unto me thy suppliant Thou who art mercifull tell mee who am miserable did my infancy succeed to any other age of mine that was dead before even to that which perhaps I past in my mothers belly for something have I heard of that too and my selfe have seene women with great bellies 3. What also passed before that age O God my delight Was I any where or any body for I have none to tell me thus much neither could my Father and Mother nor the experience of others nor yet mine owne memory Doest thou laugh at me for enquiring these things who commandest me to praise and to confesse to thee for what I knew I confesse unto thee O Lord of heaven and earth and I sing praises unto thee for my first being and infancy which I have no memory of and thou hast given leave to Man by others to conjecture of himselfe and upon the credit of women to beleeve many things that concerne himselfe For even then had I life and being and towards the end of mine infancie I sought for some significations to expresse my meaning by unto others Whence could such a living creature come but from thee O Lord or hath any man the skill to frame himselfe or is any veyne of ours by which being and life runnes into us derived from any originall but thy workmanship O Lord to whom Being and Living are not severall things because both to Be and to Live in the highest degree is of thy very essence For Thou are the highest and thou art not changed neither is this present day spent in thee although it be brought to an end in thee because even all these have a fixt Being in thee nor could have their wayes of passing on unlesse thou upheldest them And because thy yeeres faile not thy yeeres are but this very day
forgiue her trespasses what-euer shee hath drawne vpon her selfe in so many yeeres since her cleansing by the water of baptisme forgiue her Lord forgiue her I beseech thee enter not into iudgement with her but let thy mercy bee exalted aboue thy iustice and that because thy words are true and thou hast promised mercy vnto the mercifull which that people might bee is thy gift to them who wilt haue mercy on whome thou wilt haue mercy and wilt shew deeds of mercy vnto whom thou hast been mercifully inclined And I now beleeue that thou hast already done what I request of thee but take in good part O Lord these voluntary petitions of my mouth 3. For shee the day of her dissolution being at hand tooke no thought to haue her body sumptuously wound vp or imbalmed with spices nor was she ambitious of any choyce monument or cared to bee buried in her owne Country These things shee gaue vs no command for but desired only to haue her name commemorated at thy Altar which shee had serued without intermission of one day from whence she knew that holy Sacrifice to bee dispensed by which that Hand-writing that was against vs is blotted out through which Sacrifice the Enemy was triumphed ouer he who summing vp our offences and seeking for something to lay to our charge sound nothing in Him in whom wee are conquerours Who shall restore vnto him his innocent blood who shall repay him the price with which hee bought vs and so bee able to take vs out of his hands vnto the Sacrament of which price of our redemption this handmaid of thine had bound her owne soule by the bond of fayth 4. Let none plucke her away from thy protection let neyther the Lyon nor the Dragon interpose himselfe by force or fraud For shee will not answere that shee owes nothing lest she bee disprooued and gotten the better of by her crafty accuser but she will answer how that her sins are forgiuen her by him vnto whome none is able to repay that price which hee layd downe for vs who owed nothing Let her rest therefore in peace together with her husband before or after whom shee had neuer any whom shee obeyed through patience bringing forth fruit vnto thee that shee might winne him vnto thee And inspire O Lord my God inspire thy seruants my brethren thy sonnes my masters whom with voyce and heart and pen I serue that so many of them as shall reade these Confessions may at thy Altar remember Monica thy handmayd together with Patricius her sometimes husband by whose bodies thou broughtest mee into this life though how I know not May they with deuout affection be mindefull of these parents of mine in this transitory light and of my brethren that are vnder thee our Father in our Catholicke Mother and of those who are to be my fellow Citizens in that eternall Ierusalem which thy people here in their pilgrimage so sigh after euen from their birth vnto their returne thither That so what my mother in her last words desired of me may the more plentifully bee performed for her in the prayers of many as well by meanes of my Confessions as of my prayers The end of the Ninth Booke Saint Agustines Confessions The tenth Booke CHAP. 1. The Confessions of the heart 1 LEt mee know Thee O Lord who knowest mee let me know thee as I am knowne of thee O thou the vertue of my soule make thy entrance into it and so fit it for thy selfe that thou mayst haue and hold it without spotte or wrinkle This is my hope and therefore doe I now speake and in this hope doe I reioyce when at all I reioyce As for other things of this life they deserue so much the lesse to bee lamented by how much the more wee doe lament them and againe so much the more to bee lamented by how much the lesse we doe lament them For behold thou hast loued truth and hee that does so commeth to the light This will I publish before thee in the confession of my heart and in my writing before many witnesses CHAP. 2. Secret things are knowne to God 1. ANd from thee O Lord vnto whose eyes the bottome of mans Conscience is layd bare what can bee hidden in mee though I would not confesse it For so should I hide thee from mee not my selfe from thee But now for that my groaning is witnesse for mee that I am displeased with my selfe thou shinest out vnto mee and art pleasing to me yea desired and beloued of mee and I will bee ashamed of my selfe yea I will renounce mine owne selfe and make choyce of thee and neuer may I please thee nor my selfe but in thee 2. Vnto thee therefore O Lord am I layd open what euer I am and with what fruit I may Confesse vnto thee I haue before spoken Nor doe I it with words and speeches of the body but with the expressions of my very soule and the crye of my thoughts which thy care onely vnderstandeth For when I am wicked then to confesse vnto thee is no other thing but to displease my selfe but when I am well giuen to confesse vnto thee is then no other thing but not to attribute this goodnesse vnto my selfe because it is thou O Lord that blessest the Iust but first thou iustifiest him being wicked My Confession therefore O my God in thy sight is made vnto thee priuately and yet not priuately for in respect of noyse it is silent but yet it cryes alowd in respect of my affection For neither doe I vtter any thing that is right vnto men which thy selfe hath not before heard from mee nor caust thou heare any such thing from me which thy selfe hath not first sayd vnto me CHAP. 3. The Confession of our ill deeds what it helpes vs. 1. VVHat therefore haue I to doe with men that they should heare my Confessions as if they could cure all my infirmities A curious people to pry into another mans life but slothfull enough to amend their owne Why doe they desire to heare from me what I am who will not heare from thee what themselues are And how know they whenas they heare my selfe confessing of myselfe whether I say true or no seeing none knowes what is in man but the spirit of man which is in him But if they heare from thee any thing concerning themselues they cannot say The Lord lyeth For what els is it from thee to heare of themselues but to know themselues and who is hee that knowing himselfe can say It is false vnlesse himselfe lyes But because Charity beleeueth all things that is to say amongst those whom by knitting vnto it selfe it maketh one I therefore O Lord doe so also confesse vnto thee as that men may heare to whom though I be not able to demonstrate whether I confesse truely yet giue they credit vnto mee whose eares charitie hath set
open vnto mee 2 But doe thou O my most private Physicion make apparent vnto mee what fruite I may reape by doing it For the confessions of my passed sinnes which thou hast so giuen and couered that thou mightest make mee happy in thee in changing my life by thy sayth and Sacrament whenas they are read and heard they stirre vp the heart that it may not sleepe in despaire and say I cannot but keepe it selfe wakefull in the loue of thy mercy and the sweetnesse of thy grace by which any weake persons is made strong who is by it made guilty to himselfe of his owne infirmities As for these that are good they take delight to heare of their passed errours those I meane that are now freed from them yet are they not therefore delighted because they are errors but for that they hauing so beene are not so now 3. With what fruit O Lord my God to whom my conscience more secure vpon the hope of thy mercy then in her own inocēcy maketh her daily confession with what fruit I beseech thee doe I by this Booke before Thee also confesse vnto men what at this time I yet am not what I haue beene For as for that fruit I haue both seene spoken of it but as for what I now am behold in the very time of the making of these Cōfessions diuers people both desired to know it both they that personally know mee and those also that did not they that had heard any thing eyther from me or of me but their care ouer-heares not my heart where-euer or what-euer I be They are desirous therefore to heare mee confesse what I am within whither neyther their eye nor eare nor vnderstanding is able to diue yet doe they desire it though they bee tyed to beleeue mee not able to know me because that Clarity by which they are made good sayes vnto them that I would neuer belye my selfe in my Confessions And t is that Charity in them which giues credit to me CHAP. 4. Of the great fruite of Confession 1. BVt to what end would they heare this doe they desire to congratulate with mee when as they shall heare how neere by thy grace I am now come vnto thee and to pray for mee when shall they once heare how much I am cast behind by mine owne heauinesse To such will I discouer my selfe for it is no meane fruite O Lord my God to cause many to me thankes vnto thee and bee intreated for vs by many Let the friendly minde of my brethren loue that in mee which thou teachest is to bee loued and lament in me what thou teachest is to be lamented Let the minde of my brethren not that of the stranger not that of the Strange children whose mouth talketh of vanity and their right hand is a right hand of iniquity but that of my brethren who when they approue of mee doe also reioyce for mee and when they disallow mee are sory for me because that whether they allow or disallow me yet still they loue me To such will I discouer my selfe they will haue a respect to my good deedes and sigh for my ill My good deedes are thine appoyntments and thy gifts my euill ones are my owne faults and thy iudgements Let them receiue comfort by the one and sigh at the other Let now both thanks-giuing and bewailing ascend vp into thy sight out of the hearts of my brethren which are thy Censers 2. And when thou O Lord art once delighted with the Incense of thy holy Temple haue mercy vpon me according to thy great mercy for thine owne names sake and at no hand giuing ouer what thou hast begunne in mee finish vp what is imperfect This is the fruit of my Confessions not of what I haue beene but of what I am namely to confesse this not before thee onely in a secret reioycing mixed with trembling and in a priuate sorrow fulnes allayed with hope but in the cares also of the beleeuing sonnes of men sharers of my ioy and partners in mortality with mee my fellow Citizens and fellow Pilgrimes both those that are gone before and those that are to follow after mee and those too that accompany mee along in this life 3. These are thy seruants my brethren those whom thou willest to be thy sonnes my masters whom thou commandedst mee to serue if I would liue with thee But this thy saying were to little purpose did it giue the command onely by speaking and not goe before mee in performing This therefore I now doe both in deede and word this I doe vnder thy wings and that with too much danger were not my soule sheltred vnder thy wings and my infirmity knowne vnto thee I am but a little one but my Father liueth for euer and my Protector is fit for mee For t is the very same hee that begat me and that defends meet for thou thy selfe art all my goods euen thou O omnipotent who art present with me and that before I am come vnto thee To such therefore will I discouer my selfe whom thou commandest mee to serue not discouering what I haue beene but what I now am and what I am yet But I will not iudge my selfe Thus therefore let mee be heard CHAP. 5. That man knoweth not himselfe throughly and knowes not God but in a glasse darkely 1. BVt thou O Lord doest iudge me because that although No man knowes the things of a man but the spirit of man which is in him Yet is there some thing of man which the very spirit of man that is in him knoweth not But thou knowest all of him who hast made him As for me though in thy sight I despise my selfe accounting my selfe but dust and ashes yet know I something of thee which I know not of my selfe For surely now wee see thorough a glasse darkely not face to face as yet so long therefore as I bee absent from thee I am neerer vnto my selfe then vnto thee and yet know I thee not possible to be any wayes violated whereas for my selfe I neyther know what temptations I am able to resist or what I am not 2. But there is hope because thou art faithfull who wilt not suffer vs to bee tempted aboue that wee are able but wilt with the temptation also make a way to escape that we may be able to beare it I will confesse therfore what I know by my selfe I will confesse yea and what I know not And that because what I doe know by my selfe by thy shewing it mee I come to know it and what I know not by my selfe I am so long ignorant of vntill my darkenesse bee made as the Noone-day in thy sight CHAP. 6. What God is and how knowne 1. NOt out of a doubtfull but with a certayne conscience doe I loue thee O Lord Thou hast strucken my heart with thy word therupon I loued thee Yea also the heauen
twice longer then that For I demand Seing this is it which is called the day not the stay onely of the Sunne vpon the earth according to which account the day is one thing and the night another but its whole circuit that it runnes from East to East againe according to which account wee say There are so many dayes passed because that the dayes being reckoned with their nights are vsually called So many dayes and that the nights are not to be out of the reckoning Seeing therefore that a day is made complete by the motion of the Sunne and by his circuit from East to East againe I thereupon demaund whether it bee the motion that makes the day or the stay in which that motion is finished or both For if the first be the day then should wee haue a day of it although the Sunne should finish that course of his in so small a space of time as one houre comes to If the second then should not that make a day if betweene one Sun-rise and another there were but so short a stay as one houre comes to but the Sunne must goe foure and twenty times about for the making vp of one day If both then could not this neyther bee called a day if the Sunne should runne this whole round in the space of one houre no nor that if while the sunne stood still so much time should ouer passe as the Sun vsually makes his whole course in from morning to morning 3. I will not therefore demand now what that should bee which is called day but what Time should bee by which wee measuring the circuite of the Sunne should say that hee had then finisht it in halfe the time hee was wont to doe if so bee hee had gone it ouer in so small a space as twelue houres come to and when vpon comparing of both times together wee should say that this is but a single time and that a double time notwithstanding that the Sun should runne his round from east to east sometimes in that single time and other sometimes in that double time Let no man therefore say vnto mee hereafter That the motions of the celestiall bodies bee the Times because that when at the prayer of a certaine man the Sunne had stood still till hee could atchieue his victorious battell The Sunne stood still indeede but the time went on for in a certaine space of time of his owne enough to serue his turne was that battell strucken and gotten I perceiue time therefore to bee a certaine stretching But doe I perceiue it indeede or doe I but seeme to my selfe to perceiue it Thou O the Light and Truth shalt more clearely shew it me CHAP. 24. Time is it by which wee measure the motion of bodies 1. DOest thou command mee to allow of it if any man should define Time to bee the motion of a body No thou doest not bid mee For there is no body that I heare of moued but in time This thou sayest but that the motion of a body should bee time I neuer did heare nor doest thou say it For when a body is moued I by Time then measure How long it may haue moued from the instant it first beganne to moue vntill it left mouing And if so bee I did not see the instant it beganne in and if it continues to moue so long as I cannot see when it ends I am not then able to measure more of it but onely perchance from that instant I first saw it beginne vntill I my selfe leaue measuring And if I looke long vpon it I can onely signifie it to bee a long time but not how long because when wee pronounce how long wee must doe it by comparison as for example This is as long as that or this twice so long as that or the like But were wee able to make obseruation of the distances of those places whence and whither a body or his parts goe which is moued as if suppose it were moued in a Turne then might wee precisely say how much time the motion of that body or his part from this place vnto that was finished in 2. Seeing therefore the motion of a body is one thing and that by which we measure how long it is another thing who cannot now iudge which of the two is rather to bee called time For and if a body bee sometimes moued vncertainely and stands still other sometimes then doe we measure not his motion onely but his standing still too and wee say It stoode still as much as it moued or it stoode still twice or thrice so long as it moued or any other space which our measuring hath eyther perfectly taken or guessed at more or lesse as wee vse to say Time therefore is not the motion of a body CHAP. 25. He prayeth againe 1. NOw I confesse to thee O Lord that I yet know not what time is yea I confesse againe vnto thee O Lord that I know well enough how that I speake this in time and that hauing long spoken of time that very long is nothing else but a pawse of time How then come I to know this seeing I know not what time is or is my not knowing onely perchance a not hitting vpon the way of expressing what I know Woe is me that doe not so much as know what that is which I know not Behold O my God I protest before thee that I lye not but as my mouth speaketh so my heart thinketh Thou shalt light my candle O Lord O my God enlighten thou my darkenesse CHAP. 26. The measuring of the feete and syllables of a verse 1. DOes not my soule most truly confesse vnto thee that I doe measure times But doe I indeede measure them O my God and yet know not what I measure doe I measure the motion of a body in time and the time it selfe doe I not measure Or could I indeede measure the motion of a body how long it were and in how long space it could come from this place to that vnlesse I could withall measure the time in which it is moued This same very time therefore which way doe I measure it doe we by a shorter time proportion out the measure of a longer as by the space of a cubit wee doe the space of a longer beame for so indeed we seeme by the space of a short syllable to measure the space of a long syllable and to say that one is double to the other Thus measure wee the spaces of the Staues of a Poeme by the spaces of the verses and the spaces of the verses by the spaces of the feete and the spaces of the feete by the spaces of the syllables and the spaces of long syllables by the spaces of short syllables I do not meane measuring by the pages for that way wee should measure places not times but when in our pronouncing words passe away we say it is a long Stanza because it is composed of
our soules and that therefore it was perhaps that I feared to dye lest so he might wholy dye whom I extremely loued this seemeth rather alight kinde of Declamation then a serious Confession Though yet howsoeuer that impertinency besomewhat moderated by the addition of this word perhaps which then I vsed And that also which I sayd in the thirteenth book The firâ—â—ament was made betweene those superiour spirituall waters and these inferiour corporeall waters was not consider attuely enough expressed But the truth heereof is extremely hard to be discouered This worke beginneth thus Great art thou O Lord and highly worthy to be praysed SAINT AVGVSTINES Confessions THE FIRST BOOKE CHAP. 1. 〈◊〉 admires Gods Majesty and is inflamed with a deepe desire of praising him GREAT art Thou O Lord and greatly to be praised great is thy power â—â— and thy wisedome is infinite And man who being a part of what thou hast created is desirous to praise thee this man bearing about his owne mortality with him carrying about him a testimony of his owne sinne even this testimony That God resisteth the proud yet this Man this part of what thou hasâ— created is desirous to praise thee thou so sweetly provokest him that he even delighteth to praiâ— thee For thou hast created uâ— for thy selfe and our heart can not be quieted till it may find repose in thee Grant me Lord to know and understand what ought first to doe whether caâ— upon thee or praise thee anâ— which ought to be first to know thee or to call upon thee 2. But who can rightly cal up thee that is yet ignorant of thee for such an one may in stead â— thee call upon another Or aâ— thou rather first called upon that thou mayest so come to bâ— knowne but how then shall they call on him in whom they have not beleeved and how â—hall they beleeve without a Preacher And againe They â—hall praise the Lord that seeke â—fter him For They that â—eeke shall finde and finding â—hey shall praise him Thee will seeke O Lord calling upon â—ee and I will call upon thee â—eleeving in thee for thou hast â—eene declared unto us My faith O Lord cals upon thee which â—ou hast given me which thou â—st inspired into me even by the â—â—â—anity of thy Sonne and by â—e ministery of thy Preacher CHAP. 2. Man hath his being from God â—and that God is in Man and Man in God ANd how shall I call upon my God my Lord and God because that when invoke him I call him into mâ— selfe and what place is there â—â— me fit for my God to come in to mee by whither God maâ— come into me even that Goâ— which made Heaven and Earth Is it so my Lord God is the any thing in me capable of theâ— Nay can both Heaven and eaâ— which thou hast made and which thou hast made me any wise containe thee 2. Or else because whatsoeâ—â—â— Is could not subsist withaâ—â— thee must it follow thereup that what soever hath being indued with a capability of thâ— since therefore I also am sonâ— what how doe I intreat theâ— come into me who could not unlesse thou wert first in â—â— For I am not now in Hell â— yet thou art there For if I â— downe into Hell thou art tâ— also I should therefore not O God yea I should have being at all unlesse thou wert in â—e or rather I could not one unlesse I had my being in 〈◊〉 â—f whom and through whom and to whom are all things Eâ—en so it is Lord even so Wherfore then doo I invoke thee â—eeing I am already in thee or whence canst thou come into â—e For whither shall I goe â—eyond heaven and earth that 〈◊〉 thence my God may come â—â— to me who hath said The heaâ—en and earth doe I fill CHAP. 3. â—od is wholly every where and is 〈◊〉 by parts contained by the Creature DOe therefore the Heaven and earth containe thee â—eing thou fillest them or doest â—ou fill them and there yet reâ—aines an overplus of thee beâ—ause they are not able to comprehend thee If so into what doest thou powre whatsoever remaineth of thee after heaven and earth are filled Hast thou need to be contained by something thou who containest all things seeing that what thou fillest by containing them thou fillest for those vessels which are full oâ— thee adde no stability to thee for were they broken thou aâ— not shed out and when thou aâ— shed out upon us thou art no spilt but thou raisest us up no art thou scattered but thou gatherest up us but thou who filâ— lest all with thy whole sell doest thou fill them all 2. Or because all things cannot containe all of thee doe the receive a part of thee and doe aâ— at once receive the same part oâ— thee or severall capacities severall parts and greater things greater parts and lesse lesser Is therfore one part of thee greater or another lesser or art thoâ— All every where and nothing containes thee wholly CHAP. 4. An admirable description of Gods Attributes 1. WHat art thou therefore O my GOD What but the Lord God For who is God but the Lord or who hath any strength besides our God Oh thou supreme most excellent most mighty most omnipotent most mercifull and most just most secret and most present most beautifull and most strong constant and incomprehensible immutable yet changing all things never new and never old renuing all things insensibly bringing proud men into decay ever active and ever quiet gathering together yet never wanting upholding filling and protecting creating nourishing and perfecting all things still seeking although thou standest in need â— nothing 2. Thoulovest yet art no transported art jealous but without feare thou doest repent but not grieve art angry but coole still Thy works thoâ— changest but not thy counsaile takest what thou findest never losest ought Thou art never needy yet glad of gaine never covetous yet exactest advantage Thou hast superabundance oâ— all things yet art still owing and who hath any thing which is noâ— thine Thou payest debts yeâ— owest nothing forgivest debts yet losest nothing And whaâ— shall we say my God my life my holy delight or what caâ— any man say when he speakes of â—â—e And woe to them that take nothing in thy praise seeing those that speake most are â—â— dumbe in it CHAP. 5. He prayes for forgivenesse of sinnes and the love of God VVHo shall so mediate for mee that I may repose in thee Who shall â—â—cure thee to enter into my â—â—rt and so to inebriate it that â—â—ay forget my own evils and â—â—brace thee my onely good â—hat art thou to me let mee â—de grace to speake to thee VVhat am I to Thee that â—ou shouldest command mee â—oue thee and be angry with â—â— yea and threaten mee with 〈◊〉 mischiefes unlesse I do love â—e Is it to be thought a small â—sery
of it's owne will frowardly and weakely setting it's love upon thy Creature in stead of thy selfe who art divine and invisible But thou hadst already begun thy Temple in my Mothers brest and laid the foundation of thine owne holy Habitation whereas my Father was but a Catechumenus as yet one newly converted She therefore was even startled with an holy feare and trembling And though I were not as yet baptized yet feared she those crooked wayes in which they walke who set thee behinde their backes and not before their faces 3. Woe is me and dare I say that thou heldest thy peace O my God whilest I wandred further from thee Is it so Diddest thou indeede hold thy peace to me And whos 's but thine were those words which by my Mother thy faithfull one thou sangest in my eares Nothing of which would at that time so for sinke into my heart as to doe it For shee commanded mee and as I well remember betweene her and me with very much earnestnesse forewarned me that I should not commit simple fornication but especially that I should never defile another mans wife These seemed to me no better than Womens advices which would bee a shame for me to follow But they were thine indeed and I 〈…〉 not I thought thou â—iâ—st held thy peace and that she onely had spoken She by whom thou were not silent unto â—â— and in her thy selfe wast 〈…〉 by the even by mee 〈◊〉 sonne the sonne of thy 〈…〉 and thy servant But all this whole I knew it not and I 〈◊〉 head long with such blindnesse that I was a shamed amongst my equals to bee guilty of lesse impudency than they were whom I heard bâ—ag mightily of their naughtinesse yea and so much the more boasting by how much those they had beene â—eastly and I tooke pleasure be doe it not for the pleasure of the act onely but for the praise of it also 4. What now is worthy of dispraise if 〈◊〉 be not But I made my selfe worse than indeed I was that I might not bee dispraised and when I wanted opportunity to commit a naughtinesse should make me as bad as the best I would feyne my selfe to have done what I never did that I might not seeme so much the more dastardly as I was the more innocent and that I might not bee counted so much the more faint-hearted as I was the more chaste Behold with what companions I walkt the streets of Babylon and I wallowed my selfe in the myâ—e of it as if I had reposed in a bed of Spices and most precious Oyntments And to make me cleave the faster to the very Center of sinne my invisible Enemy troad me downe and seduced me for that I was easie to be seduced Yea and the Mother of my flesh although her selfe were already fled out of Babylon yet went she with the slowest about providing of due remedies for me for as she had once advised mee to keepe my chastity so she carried some respect withall to what shee had heard her husband say of mee And thereupon bethought her selfe to restraine what was both deadly and dangerous in mee within the bonds of a matrimoniall affection if that infection in me could not otherwise be pared away by the quicke But long she continued not in that care because she fear'd withall lest my hopes might be hindred by a she-clogge Not those hopes of the next world which my Mother reposed in thee but the hope of Learning which both my parents were desirous I should attaine unto He because he had little or no thought almost of thee and but vaine conceipts of me neither She because she made reckoning that those usuall courses of learning would not onely be no hindrance but a great furtherance towards my attaining of thee For thus I conjecture to my best remembrance were the disposition of both my parents at that time The râ—yâ—es in the meane time of liberty to play were slackned towards me beyond all temper of due severity yea even to dissoâ—â—â—enesse in whatsoever I affected And in all 〈◊〉 there was amyst depriving my sight O my God of the brightnesse of thy truth and mine iniquity came from me as if swelling from a fitnesse CHAP. 4. How he robbed a Peare-tree 1. SVâ—â—y thy Law O Lord punishes 〈◊〉 yea and this Law is so written in our hearts that iniquity it selfe cannot blot it out For what theefe does willingly abide another man to steale from him â—o not a rich theefe him that is driven to steale upon necessity Yet had â—â— desire to commit theevery and did it compelled neither by â—â—â—ger nor poverty but even through a cloyednesse of wel-doing and a pamperednesse of iniquity For I stale that of which I had enough of mine owne and much better Nor when I had done cared I to enjoy the thing which I had stolne but joyed in the theft and sinne itselfe A Peare-tree there was in the Orchyard next our Vineyard well laden with fruit not much tempting either for colour or taste To the shaking and robbing of this a company of lewd yong fellowes of us went late one night having according to our idle custome in the Game-places continued our sportseven till that season thence carryed we huge loadings not for our lickerishnesse but even to fling to the Hogs having bitten off one piece And all this wee did not because we might doe it but because we would doe it 2. Behold my heart O Lord behold my heart which thou hadst pitty upon in the very bottome of the bottomlesse pit Now behold let my heart tell thee what it sought for there that I should be thus evill for nothing having no other provocation to ill but soule ill it selfe Yet I loved it I loved to undoe my selfe I loved mine own fault not so much that for which I committed the fault but even the very fault it selfe of my beastly soule shrinking backe thus from my hold-fast upon thee even to utter destruction not affecting any thing that had shame in it but they very shame it selfe CHAP. 5. No man sinneth but provoked by some cause THere is a comelines now in all beautifull bodies both in Gold and Silver and all things and in the touch of flesh sympathy pleases 〈◊〉 Each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered Worldly honour hath also it's grace in commanding and overcomming by it's owne power whence springs the thiâ—st of revenge But yet might a man obtaine all these he were not to depart from thee O Lord not to decline from thy Law The life also which here we live hath its proper inticement and that by reason of a certaine proportion of comelinesse of it's owne and a correspondency with all these inferiour beauties That friendship also which is amongst Societies we see endeared with a sweet tye even by reason of the union of many hearts 2. Vpon occasion of all these and the like is sinne committed while
soule wilt thou be still following thine owne flesh Let that rather turne and follow thee What ever by her thou hast sense of is but in part and the whole whereof these are parts thou knowest not and yet this little contents thee But had the sense of thy flesh beene capable of comprehending the whole and not for thy punishment beene stinted to a part of the whole thou wouldst have then desired that whatsoever hath existence at this present should passe away that so the whole might better have pleased thee altogether For what wee speake by the same sense of the flesh thou hearest and yet wouldst not thou have the same syllables sound ever but flye away that others may come on and thou mayst heare up the whole sentence Thus are all these things in ever Being which have still any one part of theirs in being and yet all those parts which goe to the making up of that whole Being are never all together in present Being All together surely must needs delight morefully than parts single if the pleasure of all could be felt all at once But farre better than these all is he that made all and he is our God nor does he depart away for that he hath no successor If bodies then please thee praise God for them and turne thy love upon him that made them lest otherwise in those things which please thee thou displease him CHAP. 12. Love of the creatures is not forbidden provided that in those which please us God bee loved 1. IF then soules please thee let them be loved in God for they are mutable but in him are they firmly established or else would they passe and perish In him therefore let them be beloved and draw unto him along with thee as many soules as thou canst and say to them Him let us love let us love him he made all these nor is hee farre from them For he did not once make them and then get him gone But of him and in him they are See where he is even where-ever truth is savoury Hee is within the very heart but yet hath the heart strayed from him 〈◊〉 againe to your owne heart Oâ—â— transgressors and cleave fast â—â— to him that made you 〈◊〉 with him and you shall 〈◊〉 surely Repose your 〈…〉 him and yee shall rest 〈◊〉 Whither goe you iâ— these 〈◊〉 gy passages O whither goe you The good that you love is 〈◊〉 him and in respect of him 〈◊〉 both good and pleasant But it shall justly be turned to bitternesse because whatsoever is from him is unjustly loved if hee be forsaken for it 2. Whither now wander 〈◊〉 further and further over these difficult and troublesome passages There is no rest to be found where you seeke it Seeke what you doe seeke but yet 't is not there where you are seeking for it You seeke a blessed life in the land of death 't is not there for how should there be a happy life where there is at all no life But our Life descended downe hither and tooke away our death and kild him out of the abundance of his owne life and he thundered calling unto us to returne from hence to him into that secret place from whence he came forth to us comming first into the Virgins wombe where the Humanity was marryed unto him even our mortall flesh though not ever to be mortall and thence came he like a Bridegroome out of his chamber rejoycing as a Giant to run his course For hee foreslow'd not but he ranne crying both in words deedes death descent and ascension still crying to us to returne unto him And hee withdrew himselfe from our eyes that we might returne to our owne heart and there finde him 3. He withdrew himselfe and behold he is still here He would not tarry long with us yet hath he not utterly left us for thither is he gone from whence he never parted because the world was made by him And in this world hee was and into this world hee came to save sinners unto whom my soule now confesseth that he may heale it for it hath sinned against him O ye sonnes of men how long will ye be slow of heart will ye not now after that Life is descended downe to you will not you ascend up to it and live But whither ascended you when you were high-conceipted and lifted up your head into heaven Descend againe that you may ascend and ascend to God For descended you are by ascending against him Tell the soules whom thou lovest thus that they may weepe in this valley of teares and so carry them up with thee unto God because by his Spirit thou speakest thus unto them if speak thou doest burning with the fire of charity CHAP. 13. Love whence it comes 1. THese things I as then knew not and I fell in love with these inferior beauties and I was sinking even to the very bottome and unto my friends I said doe wee love any thing that is not beautifull For what is faire and what is beauty what is it that inveigles us thus and that drawes our affections to the things we love for unlesse there were a gracefulnesse and a beauty in them they could by no meanes draw us unto them And I markt narrowly and perceived that in the bodies themselves there was one thing as it were the whole feature which in that respect was beautifull and another thing that did therefore become because it was aptly fitted to some thing as some part of the body in respect of the whole body or a shooe in respect of the foot and the like And this consideration sprang up in my minde even out of the innermost of my very heart and I composed certaine bookes De Pulchro Apto two or three as I thinke Thou knowest it O Lord for 't is out of my memory For I have them not now by me but lost they are and I know not how CHAP. 14. Of his booke of Faire and Fit 1. WHat was the cause O Lord my GOD that moved me to dedicate unto Icherius an Orator of Rome these bookes of mine whom as then I so much as knew not by face but upon love to the man meerely for the fame of his learning which was eminent in him and some words of his that I had heard which very well pleased me But rather did he please me for that they pleased others who highly extold him admiting much that a Syrian borne brought up first in the Greeke Eloquence should afterwards prove so wonderfull a master in the Latine also being above all this a most knowing man in all the studies that pertaine unto Wisdome A man is commended and loved even when hee is absent Doth then this love enter the heart of the hearer immedidiately from the mouth of the prayser Nothing so But by one lover is another inflamed Hence comes it that hee is oft loved who is heard commended when namely his worth
when 't is from thee then is it strength but when 't is of our selves then is it weaknes indeed Our good still lives with thee from which because wee are averse therefore are we perverse Let us now at last O Lord returne that wee doe not overturne because with thee our Good lives without any defect which Good thou art We shall not need to feare finding a place to returne unto because we fell headlong from it for howâ—ever wee have beene long absent from thence yet that house of ours shall not fall downe and that 's thy Eternity * ⎠* SAINT AVGVSTINES Confessions THE FIFTH BOOKE CHAP. 1. Hee stirres up his owne soule to praise God REceive heere the Sacrifice of my Confessions from the hand of my Tongue which thou hast formed and stirred up to confesse unto thy Name Heale thou all my bones and let them say O Lord who is like unto thee For neither does a man teach thee what is done within himselfe when he confesses to thee seeing a closed heart shuts not out thy eye nor can mans hard-heartednesse thrust backe thy hand for thou openest it when thou pleasest either out of pitty or justice to us and there is nothing can hide it selfe from thy heate But let my soule praise thee that it may love thee and let it confesse thine owne mercies to thee that it may praise thee No creature of thine is slacke or silent in thy praises nor the spirit of any man by the praises of his mouth converted to thee no nor yet any animall or corporeall creature by the mouthes of those that well consider of them that so our soule may towards thee rowze it selfe up from wearines leaning it selfe on those things which thou hast created and passing over to thy selfe who hast made them so wonderfully where refreshment and true fortitude is CHAP. 2. Gods presence can no man avoid seeing he is every where 1. LEt unquiet and naughty people now run and flee from thee as fast as they will yet thou seest them well enough and canst distinguish of shaddowes And behold all seemes gay to them meane while themselves be deformed And what wrong have they done thee by it or how have they disparaged thy government which from the highest heaven to this lowest earth is most just and perfect But whither are they fled when they fled from thy presence Or in what corner shalt not thou finde them out But runne away that they might not see thee who well sawest them that being thus blindfolded they might stumble upon thee because thou forsakest nothing that thou hast made that the unjust I say might stumble upon thee and be justly vexed by it withdrawing themselves from thy lenity and stumbling at thy justice fall foule upon thy severity Little know they in truth that thou art every where whom no place incompasses and that thou alone art ever neere even to those that set themselves furthest from thee 2. Let them therefore be turned backe and seeke thee because as they have forsaken thee their Creator thou hast not so given over thy Creature Let them bee converted that they may seeke thee and behold thou art there in their heart in the heart of those that confesse to thee and that cast themselves upon thee and that powre forth their teares in thy bosome after all their tedious wandrings Then shalt thou most gently wipe away their teares that they may weepe the more yea and delight in their weeping even for that thou Lord and not any man of flesh and blood but thou Lord who madest them canst refresh and comfort them But whereabouts was I when I sought after thee Thou wert directly before mee but I had gone backe from thee nor did I then finde my selfe much lesse thee CHAP. 3. Of Faustus the Manichee and of Astrologie 1. LEt mee lay open before my GOD that nine and twentieth yeere of mine Age. There came in those dayes unto Carthage a certaine Bishop of the Manichees Faustus by name a great snare of the Divell he was and many were intangled by him in that ginne of his smooth Language which though my selfe did much commend in him yet was I able to discerne betwixt it and the truth of those things which I then was earnest to learne nor had I an eye so much to the curious Dish of Oratory as what substance of Science their so famous Faustus set before me to feed upon Report had before-hand highly spoken him to me as that hee was a most knowing man in all honest points of Learning and exquisitely skilled in all the liberall Sciences 2. And for that I had sometimes read many bookes of the Philosophers and had fresh in memory much of theirs I presently fell to compare some points of theirs to those soule fables of the Manichees and those things verily which the Philosophers had taught who could onely prevaile so far as to make judgement of this lower world though the Lord of it they could by no meanes finde out seem'd farre more probable unto mee For great art thou O Lord and hast respect unto the humble but the proud thou beholdest afarre off Nor doest thou draw neere but to the contrite in heart nor art thou found by those that bee proud no not though they had the curious skill to number the Starres and the sand and to quarter out the houses of the heavenly Constellations and to find out the courses of the Planets For with their Vnderstanding and Wit which thou bestowedst on them doe they search out these things yea they have found out and foretold many a yeere before the Eclipses of the lights of the Sunne and Moone what day and what howre and how many Digits they should bee so nor hath their calculation faild them and just thus came all to passe as they foretold and they committed to writing the Rules found out by them which are read this day and out of them doe others foretell in what yeere and moneth of the yeere and what day of the moneth and what howre of the day and what part of it's light the Moone or Sunne is to be Eclipsed and so it shall come to passe as it is foreshewed 3. At these things men wonder and are astonished that know not this Art and they that doe know it triumph and are extolled and our of a wicked pride turning backe from thee failing thereby of thy light they foresee an Eclipse of the Sunne so long beforehand but perceive not their owne which they suffer in the present For they enquire not religiously enough from whence they are enabled with the wit to seeke all this withall and finding that 't is thou that made them they resigne not themselves up unto thee that thou mayst preserve what thou hast made and that they may kill in sacrifice unto thee what they have made themselves to be and slay their owne exalted imaginations like as the fowles of the ayre and their owne
curiosities like as the fishes of the Sea in which they wander over the unknown paths of the bottomlesse pit and their owne luxuriousnesse like as the beasts of the field that thou Lord who art a consuming fire mayst burne up those dead cares of theirs and renew themselves immortally 4. But they knew not that way thy Word by which thou madest these things which themselves can calculate and the calculators themselves and the sense by which they see what they calculate and the understanding out of which they do number it or that of thy wisedome there is no number But the onely Begotten is made unto us Wisdome and Righteousnesse and Sanctification and was numbred as one of us and paid tribute unto Caesar This way have not these men knowne by which they should descend from themselves downe to him and by it ascend againe unto him They verily knew not this way and they conceit themselves to move in an high orbe and to shine amongst the Starres whereas behold they grovell upon the ground and their foolish heart is darkened They discourse truely of many things concerning the creature but the true Architect of the creature they doe not religiously seeke after and therefore doe they not finde him Or if they doe finde him acknowledging him to be God yet they glorifie him not as God neither were thankefull but became againe in their imaginations They give out themselves to bee wise attributing thy workes unto their skill and in this humor with a most perverse blindnesse study they on the other side to impute to thee their own follies entitling thee who art Truth it selfe unto their lyes changing thus the glory of the uncorruptible God into an Image made like corruptible man and to birds and foure footed beasts and creeping things changing thy truth into a lye and served the creature more than the Creator 5. But yet diverse observations concerning the creature truly delivered by these Philosophers did I retaine in memory yea and I conceived the Reason of them by mine owne calculations the order of times and the visible testimonies of the Staries and all this I compared with the sayings of Manichaeus who had written much of these subjects doting most abundantly nor did he give me any reason either of the Solstices or Aequinoxes or the Ecclipses of the greater Lights nor of any such point as I had learned in the Bookes of secular Philosophie But in his Writings was I commanded to beleeve all but no answer met I withal unto those reasons which had beene found true both by mine owne calculatings and eye-sight from all which his was quite contrary CHAP. 4. Onely the knowledge of GOD makes happy 1. TEll me O Lord God of Truth is whosoever is skilfull in these Philosophic all things thereby acceptable unto thee Surely most unhappy is the man that knowes all these things and is ignorant of thee but happy is hee that knowes thee though ignorant of these And he that knowes both thee and them is not the happier for them but for thee onely upon condition that as he knows thee so he glorifies thee as God and it thankfull and becomes not vaine in his owne imaginations 2. For even as he is in better case that knows how to possesse a Tree and to returne thanks unto thee for the commodities of it although he knowes not how many cubits high it rises or how broad it spreads than hee that hath the skill to measure it and keepes an account of all the boughes of it and is neither owner of it nor knowes nor loves him that created it Even so a faithfull man whose right all this world of wealth is and who having nothing yet doth as it were possesse all things even by eleaving unto thee to whom all things serve though he knowes not so much as the Circles of the North yet is it folly to doubt but he is in better estate than hee that can quarter out the heavens and number the starres and poises the Elements and yet is negligent of thy knowledge who hast made all things in number weight and measure CHAP. 5. The rashnesse of Faustus in teaching what he know not 1. BVt yet who requested I know not what Manichaean to write these things without the skill of which true piety might well bee learned For thou hast said unto man Behold piety is wisedome of which that Manichaean might be utterly ignorant though perfect at the knowledge of these things but these things because he knew not most impudently daring to 〈◊〉 them hee was not able plainely to attaine the knowledge of that piety A great vanity it is verily to professe the knowledge of these worldly things but it is a pious thing to confesse unto thee Wherefore this roving fellow prated indeed much of these things that so being confuted by those who had not learned the truth of these things he might bee evidently discovered what understanding he had in points that were abstruser For the man would not have himselfe meanely thought of but went about forsooth to perswade that the Holy Ghost the Comforter and Enricher of the faithfull ones was with full auhority personally resident within him 2. Whereas therefore he was found out to have taught falsely of the Heavens and Starres and of the courses of the Sunne and Moone although these things pertaine little to the Doctrine of Religion yet that his presumptions were sacrilegious is apparent enough seeing that he delivered those things not onely which he knew not but which himselfe had falsifyed and that with so mad a vanity of pride that he went about to attribute them to himselfe as to a divine person When-ever now I heare a Christian Brother either one or other that is ignorant enough of these Philosophicall Subtilties and that mistaketh one thing for another I can patiently behold such a man delivering his opinion nor doe I see how it can much hinder him when as he doth not beleeve any thing unworthy of thee O Lord the Creator of all if perchance hee be lesse skilled in the situation or condition of the corporeall creature But then it hurts him if so be he imagines this to pertaine to the forme of the doctrine of piety and will yet stand too stiffely in a thing he is utterly ignorant of 3. And yet is such an infirmity in the infancie of a mans faith borne withall by our Mother Charity till such time as this new Convert grow up unto a perfect man and not to be carried about with every wind of Doctrine whereas in that Faustus who was so presumptuous as to make himselfe the Doctor and Author the Ring-leader and chiefe man of all those whom he had inveigled to the opinion that who-ever became his follower did not imagine himselfe to follow a meere man but thy holy Spirit who would not judge but that so high a degree of madnesse when once hee had beene convicted
of the onely true and most true God seeing this fundamentall point was above all the rest to be beleeved and that because no wrangles of all those cavilling Questions whereof I had read so many controverted amongst the Philosophers could so farre enforce me as that I should at any time not beleeve Thee to bee whatsover thou wert though what I knew not or that the government of human businesses should not belong unto thee Thus much though I sometimes beleeved more strongly and more weakly other-whiles yet I ever beleeved both that thou wert God and hadst a care of us though I were utterly ignorant either what was to be thought of thy substance or what way led or brought backe againe towards thee 3. Seeing therefore mankind would prove too weake to find out the truth by the way of evident Reason and even for this cause was there need of the Authority of Holy Writ I began now to beleeve that thou wouldest by no meanes have estated such excellency of authority upon that Booke all the world over had it not beene thy expresse pleasure to have thine owne selfe both beleeved in by meanes of it and sought by it also For those absurdities which in those Scriptures were went heretofore to offend me after I had heard divers of them expounded probably I referred now to the depth of the mystery yea and the Authority of that Booke appeared so much the more venerable and so much the more worthy of our religious credit by how much the readier at hand it was for ALL to read upon preserving yet the Majesty of the Secret under the profoundnes of the meaning offering it selfe unto ALL in words most open and in a stile of speaking most humble and exercising the intention of such as are not light of heart that it might by that meanes receive ALL into its common bosome and through narrow passages waft over some few towards thee yet are these few a good many moe than they would have beene had it not obtained the eminency of such high authority nor alluâ—ed on those companies with a bosome of holy humility These things then I thought upon and thou wert with me I sighed thou heardst me I wavered up and down and thou didst guide me I wandred through the broad way of this world yet didst thou not forsake me CHAP. 6. The misery of the Ambitious shewne by the example of a Beggar 1. I Gaped after Honours gaines wedlocke and thou laughedst at me In these desires of mine I underwent most bitter hardships wherein thou wert so much the more gracious unto me as thou didst lesse suffer any thing to grow sweet unto mee which was not thou thy selfe Behold now my heart O Lord who wouldst I should remember all this that I might now confesse it unto thee Let now my soule cleave fast unto thee which thou hast freed from that fast-holding birdlime of death How wretched was it at that time it had utterly lost the sense of its owne wound but thâ—â— didst launce it that forsaking â—â— other things it might be converted unto thee who art above all and without whom all things would turne to nothing that it might I say be converted and be healed How miserable therfore was I at that time and how didst thou deale with mee to make me sensible of my misery that same day namely when I provided my selfe for an Oration in praise of the Emperour wherein I was to deliver many an untruth and to be applauded notwithstanding even by those that knew I did so Whilest my heart panted after these cares and boyled againe with the favourishnesse of these consuming thoughts walking along one of the streets of Millan I observed a poore beggar-man halfe drunke I beleeve very jocund and pleasant upon the matter but I looking mournfully at it fell to discourse with my friends then in company with me about the many sorrowes occasioned by our owne madnesse for that by all such endevours of ours under which I then laboured and galled by the spurres of desire dragd after me the burthen of mine owne infelicity increasing it by the dragging we had minde of nothing but how to attaine some kinde of Iocundnesse whither that beggar-man had arrived before us who should never perchance come at all thither For that which he had attained unto by meanes of a few pence and those beg'd too the same was I now plotting for by many a troublesome turning and winding namely to compasse the joy of a temporary felicity 2. For that beggar-man verily enjoy'd no true joy but yet 〈◊〉 those my ambitious designes hunted after a much uncertainer And certainely that fellow was jocund but I perplexed he void of care I full of feares But should any man demand of me whether I had rather be merry or fearefull I would answer merry Againe were I askt whether I had rather be in that beggar-mans case or in mine owne at that time I would make choice of my own though thus overgone with cares and feares yet was this upon a wilfulnesse for was it out of any true reason For I ought not to preferre my selfe before that beggar because I was more learned than he seeing my Learning was not it that made me joyfull but I sought rather to please men by it not so much to instruct them as meerely to delight them For this cause didst thou even breake my bones with the staffe of thy correction Away with those therefore from my soule who say unto it There is much difference betwixt the occasions of a mans rejoycing 3. That beggar-man rejoyced in his drunkennesse thou desiredst to rejoyce in a purchased glory What glory Lord That which is not in thee For even as his was no true joy no more was mine any true glory besides which it utterly overturned my soule He was that night to digest his drunkennesse but many a might had I slept with mine and had risen againe with it and was to sleepe againe and againe to rise with it I know not how often But is there indeed any difference in the grounds of a mans rejoycing I know there is and that the joy of a faithfull hope is incomparably beyond such a vanity Yea and at that very time was there much difference betwixt him and I for he verily was the happier man not onely for that he was throughly drencht in mirth when as my bowels were grip't with cares but also for that by his lusty bowsing hee had gotten good store of Wine whereas I by a slattering Oration sought after 〈◊〉 puffe of pride Much to this purpose said I at that time to my deare Companions and I markt by them how it fared with me and I found my selfe in an ill taking I griev'd for it by which I doubled my ill taking and when any prosperity smiled upon mee it irkt mee to catch at it for that almost before I could lay hand upon it away it flew from me
wee remembring our selves of the humanity received from our friend and not allowed to reckon him in the number of thy Flock should be tortured with intolerable sorrow for him 2. Thankes unto thee O our God wee are now thine Thy inspirations and consolations tell us so Thou O faithfull promiser shalt repay Verecundus for his Countrey house of Cassiacum where from the troubles of the world we rested our selves in thee with the pleasantnesse of thy Paradise which is ever greene for that thou hast forgiven him his sinnes upon earth in that mountaine of spices thine owne mountaine that fruitfull mountaine Verecundus therefore was much perplexed but Nebridius was as joyfull as wee For although when as he was not yet a Christian hee had falne into the same pit of most pernicious error with us beleeving the flesh of thy Sonne to be fantasticall yet getting out from thence he beleeved as wee did not as yet entered into any sacraments of thy Church but a most zealous searcher out of the truth Whom not long after our conversion and regeneration by thy Baptisme being also baptized in the Catholike Faith serving thee in perfect chastity and continence amongst his owne friends in Africa having first converted his whole family unto Christianity didst thou take out of the flesh and now he lives in the bosome of Abraham 3. Whatsoever that estate be which is signified by that bosome there lives Nebridius my sweet friend thy child O Lord adopted of a freed-man lives there For what other place is there for such a soule In that place he lives concerning which hee sometimes demanded of me unskilfull man so many questions Now layes he his eare no longer unto my mouth but layes his spirituall mouth unto thy fountaine and drinketh as much of Wisedome as he is able to containe proportionable to his thirst now without end happy Nor doe I yet thinke that he is so inebriated with it as to forget me seeing thou O Lord of whom hee drinketh art still mindfull of us Thus fared it then with us sorrowfull Verecundus wee comforted reserving our friendship entire notwithstanding our conversion and exhorting him to continue in the fidelity of his degree namely of his married estate Nebridius we stayed for expecting when he would follow us which being so neere he might well doe and even now hee was about to doe it when behold those daies of Interim were at length come to an end For long and many they seemed unto me even for the love I bare to that easefull liberty that we might sing unto thee out of all our bowels My heart hath said unto thee I have sought thy face thy face Lord will I seeke CHAP. 4. What things he wrote with Nebridius 1. NOw was the day come wherein I was actually to be discharged of my Rhetoricke Professorship from which in my thoughts I was already discharged And done it was And thou deliveredst my tongue whence thou hadst before delivered my heart And I blessed thee for it rejoycing in my selfe I and mine going all into the Countrey What there in point of learning I did which was now wholly at thy service though yet sorely panting and out of breath as it were in following the Schoole of pride my bookes may witnesse both those which I disputed with my friends present and those which I composed alone with my selfe before thee and what intercourse I had with Nebridius now absent my Epistles can restifle And when shall I have time enough to make rehearsall of all the great benefits which thou at that time bestowedst upon me especially seeing I am now making hast to tell of greater matters For my remembrance now calls upon me and most pleasant it is to me O Lord to confesse unto thee by what inward prongs thou hast thus tamed mee and how thou hast taken mee downe by bringing low those mountaines and hils of my high imaginations and madest my crookednesse straight and my rough waies smooth And by what meanes thou also subduedst that brother of my love Alipius unto the name of thy onely begotten Sonne our Lord and Saviour Iesus Christ which he at first would not vouchsafe to have it put into our writings For rather would he have had them favour of the lofty Cedars of the Schooles which the Lord had now broken downe than of those wholesome hearbes of thy Church which are so powerfull against Serpents 2. Oh what passionate voyces sent I up unto thee my God when as I read the Psalmes of David those faithfull songs Oh what sounds of devotion quite excluding the swelling spirit of ostentation when namely I was yet but Rude in my kindly loving of thee as being â—uta Catechumenus as yet in the Country whither I had withdrawne my selfe together with Alipius a Catechumenus also and with my Mother likewise inseparably sticking unto us in a womans habit verily but with a masculine faith voyd of worldly care as a woman in her yeeres should be yet imploying a matronely charity and a Christian piety Oh what passionate expressions made I unto thee in the reading of those Psalmes Oh how was I inflamed towards thee by them yea I was on fire to have resounded them had I been able in the hearing of the whole world to the shame of the pride of mankind though verily they be already sung all the world over nor can any hide themselves from thy heate With what vehement and bitter sorrow was I angred at the Manichees whom yet againe I pittied for that they knew nothing of those Sacraments those Medicaments and for that they were so madde at that Antidote which had been able to recover them I heartily wished they had beene somewhere or other neere me I not knowing that they did then heare me or were then so neere me that they might have beheld my face and heard my words when as I read the fourth Psalme in that time of my leasure and how that Psalme wrought upon me 3. When I called upon thee thou heardest me O God of my righteousnesse thou hast enlarged mee in my distresse Have mercy upon mee O Lord and heare my prayer That they might heare I say what I uttered at the reading of these words I not knowing whether they heard me or no lest they should thinke I spake it purposely against them Because in good truth neither would I have spoken the same things nor in the same manner had I perceived them to have both heard and seene me But had I so spoken yet would not they so have understood how with my selfe and to my selfe before thee out of the familiar and ordinary affection of my soule I quaked for feare and boy led high againe with hope and with rejoycing in thy mercy O Father And all these expressions of my selfe passed forth both by mine eyes and voyce at what time as thy good Spirit turning himselfe towards us said O yee sonnes of men
how long will ye be dull of heart how long will yee love vanity and seeke after leasing For I my selfe had sometimes loved vanity and sought after leasing But thou O Lord hast magnified him that is godly raising him from the dead and placing him at thy Right hand whence from on high hee should send his promise the Comforter the Spirit of truth And he had sent him already but I knew it not 4. He had already sent him because he was now exalted by rising from the dead and ascending up into heaven For till then The Holy Ghost was not given because Iesus was not yet glorified And the Prophet cryes out How long O yee slow of heart Why will ye love vanity and seeke after leasing Know this that the Lord hath set apart his Holy one He cryes out How long he cryes out Know this whereas I so long ignorant have loved vanity and sought after leasing yea I both heard and trembled because it was spoken vnto such as I remeÌ„bred my selfe somtimes to haue beene For verily in those Phantasticall fictions which I once held for truths was there both vanity and leasing wherefore I roared out many things sorrow fully strangely whilst I grieued at what I now remembred All which I wish they had heard who yet loue vanity and seeke after leasing They would perchance haue beene troubled and haue vomitted vp their poyson and to Thou mightest haue heard them when they cryed vnto thee for Hee died a true death in the flesh for vs who now maketh intercession vnto thee for vs. I further reade 〈◊〉 angry and sinne not And how was I moued O my God I who had then learned to bee angry at my selfe for things passed that I might not sinne in time to come Yea to bee iustly angry for that it was not any other nature of a different kinde of darknesse without me which sinned as the Manichees affirme it to bee who are not angry at themselues and who treasure vp wrath against the day of wrath and of the renelation of the iust iudgement of God Nor indeede was my Good without me nor to be caught with the eyes of flesh vnder the Sunne seeing they that will take ioy in any thing without themselues doe easily become vayne and spill themselues vpon those things which are seene and are but temporally yea and with their hunger-starued thoughts like their very shadowes And oh that they were once wearied out with their hunger and come once to say Who will shew vs day good Let vs say so and let them heare The light of thy countenance is lifted vp vpon vs. For wee our selues are not that light which enlighteneth euery man that commeth into the world but wee are enlightened by thee as who hauing beene some times darknesse may now be light in thee 5. O that they might once 〈◊〉 that Eternall Eightâ—â— which for that my selfe had once tasted I guashed my â—â—th at them because I was not able to make them see it 〈◊〉 not though they should 〈◊〉 mee their heart in their 〈◊〉 eyes which are euer 〈◊〉 from thee that so 〈◊〉 might say Who will shew 〈◊〉 good 〈…〉 euen 〈◊〉 was 〈…〉 selfe in my chamber being inwardly pricked there offering my sacrifice there also my old man and the meditation of my newnesse of life now begunne in mee putting my trust in thee There begannest thou to grow sweete vnto me and to put gladnesse in my heart And I cryed out as I read this outwardly finding this gladnesse inwardly Nor would I bee any more encreased with worldly goods wasting away my time and being wasted by these temporall things whereas I had in thy eternall simplicity a store layd vp of Corne and Wine and Oyle 6. And with alowd cry of my heart called I out in the next verse O in peace O for that same peace O what sayd hee I will lay â—â—â— downe and sleeps 〈…〉 hinder vs when 〈…〉 saying shall be brought to passe which is written Death is swallowed vp in victory And thou surpassingly â—t that same Rest thou who art not changed and in thee is that Rest which forgets all 〈◊〉 labours nor is there any other besides thee no nor hast thou appointed mee to seeke after those many other things which art not the same that thou art but thou Lord after a speciall manner hast made mee dwell in hope These things I read and burnt againe nor could I tell what to do to those deafe and dead Manichees of whom my selfe was sometimes a pestilent member asnarling and a blind 〈◊〉 against thy Scriptures all behonyed ouer with the 〈◊〉 of heauen and all lightsome with thine owne light yea I consumed away with zeale at the enemies of these Scriptures when as I cald to minde euery thing that I had done in those dayes of my retirement 7. Nor haue I yet forgotten neyther will I passe in silence the smartnesse of thy scourge and the wonderfull swiftnesse of thy mercy Thou didst in those dayes torment me with the Tooth-ach which when it had growne so fierce vpon me that I was not able to speake it came into my heart to desire my friends present to pray for me vnto thee the God of all manner of health And this I wrote in waxe and gaue it to them to read Immediately so soone as with an humble deuotion wee had bowed our knees that payne went away But what payne or how went it away I was much affrayed O my Lord my God seeing from mine infancy I had neuer felt the like And thou gauest me a secret Item by this how powerfull thy Beck was for which I much reioycing in sayth gaue praise vnto thy name And that sayth suffered mee not to bee secure in the remembrance of my forepassed sinnes which hitherto were not for giuen mee by thy Baptisme CHAP. 5. Ambrose directs him what bookes to read 1. AT the end of the vintage I gaue the Citizens of Millane faire warning to prouide their schollers of another Master to sell words to them for that I had made choyce to serue thee and for that by reason of my difficulty of breathing and the paine in my brest I was not able to goe on in the Professorship And by letters I signified to that Prelate of thine the holy man Ambrose my former errors and presentresolution desiring him to aduise mee what part of thy Scriptures were best for my reading to make me readier and fitter for the receyuing of so great a grace He recommended Esaias the Prophet to mee for this reason I beleeue for that hee is a more cleare foreshewer of the Gospell and of the calling of the Gentiles then are the rest of the Prophets But I not vnderstanding the first part of him and imagining all the rest to bee like that layd it by intending to fall to it againe when I were better practized in our Lords
I beseech thee and in the manifestation thereof let me with sobriety continue vnder thy wings Thou toldest mee also with a strong voyce O Lord in mine inner care how that t is thy selfe selfe who made all those Natures and substances which are not what thy selfe is and which yet haue their being and how that onely is not from thee which hath no being no nor the Will that slydes backe from thee that art eminently vnto that which hath an inferior being because that all such backeslyding is transgression and sinne and that no mans sinne does eyther hurt thee or disturbe the order of thy gouernment first or last All this is in thy sight now cleare vnto mee and let it bee so more and more I beseech thee and in the manifestation thereof let mee soberly continue vnder thy wings 2. With a strong voyce thou toldest mee likewise in mine inner care how that neyther is that creature coeternall vnto thy selfe whose desire thou onely art which with a most perseuering chastity greedily drinking thee in does in no place and at no time put off its naturall mutability and thy selfe being euer present withit vnto whom with its whole affection it kepes it selfe it hauing neyther any thing in future to expect nor conueying any thing which it remembreth into the time past is neyther altered by any change nor stretcht along into any times O blessed creature if any such there bee euen for cleauing so fast vnto thy blessednesse blest in thee the eternall Inhabitant and Enlightener thereof Nor doe I find what I am more glad to call the Heauen of heauens which is the Lords then thine owne House which still contemplating that delight which in thee it finds without any forsaking thee to goe into other a most pure mind most peacefully continuing one by that settled estate of peace of those holy spirits those Citizens of thy Citty in heauenly places which are farre wes that it is not here meant of the aboue those heauenly places that we see By this now may the Soule vnderstand how farre shee is cast off by her owne straggling if namely she now thirsts after thee if her owne teares be now become her bread while they daily say vnto her Where is now thy God If she now seekes thee alone and require this one thing that shee may dwell in thy house all the dayes of her life 3. And what is her life but thou And what are thy dayes but euen thy eternity like as thy yeeres are which fayle not because thou art euer the same Hereby therefore let the Soule that is able vnderstand how farre thou art aboue all times eternall seeing that thy very house which hath at no time departed from thee although it be not coeternall vnto thee yet by continually and inseparably cleauing vnto thee suffers not the least changeablenesse of Times All this is cleare vnto me in thy sight and more and more let it bee so I be seech thee and in the manifestation thereof let mee abide vnder thy wings 4. There is behold I know not what vnshapednesse in the alterations of these last made and lowest creatures and who shall tell mee what vnlesse such a one as through the emptynesse of his owne heart wanders and tosses himselfe vp and downe with his owne fancies Who now but euen such a one would tell mee That if all figure bee so wasted and consumed away as that there onely remaines vnshapelynesse by which the thing was changed and turned out of one figure into another that that were able to shew vnto vs the changeable courses of the Times Playnely it can neuer doe it because without the variety of motions there are no times and there is no variety where there is no forms CHAP. 12. Of two creatures not within compasso of time 1. THese things considred for as much as thou giuest O my God for as much as thou stirrest mee vp to knock and forasmuch as thou openest to me when I knock two things I finde that thou hast made not within the compasse of times notwithstanding that neyther of them bee coeternall with thy selfe One which is so formed as that without any ceasing to contemplate thee without any interruption of change though in it selfe it bee changeable yet hauing beene neuer changed it may thorowly for euer enioy thy eternity and vnchangeablenesse The other was so vnshapely as that it had wherewithall to be changed out of one forme into another eyther of motion or of station whereby it might become subiect vnto time But this thou didst not leaue thus vnshapely because before all dayes thou in the beginning didst create Heauen Earth the two things that I spake of 2. And the Earth was inuisible and without shape and darknesse was vpon the Deepe In which words is the vnshapelynesse noted vnto vs that such capacities may hereby bee drawne on by degrees as are not able to conceiue so vtter a priuatiō of all the forme of it as should not yet come so low as a meere nothing out of which another Heauen was to bee created together with a visible earth a well furnished and the Waters replenished with their kinds and whatsoeuer beside is in the setting foorth of the world recorded to haue beene not without dayes created and that because they are of such a nature that the successiue changes of times haue power ouer them by reason of their appoynted alterations of motions and of formes CHAP. 13. The nature of the Heauen of heauens described 1. THis O my God is my priuate iudgement in the meane time whenas I heare thy Scripture saying In the beginning God made Heauen and Earth and the Earth was without shape and voyd and darkenes was vpon the deepe and not once mentioning what day thou createdst them This I in the mean time iudge to bee spoken because of the Heauen of heauens that intellectuall Heauen where to vnderstand is to know all at once not in part not darkly not through a glasse but in whole clearely and face to face not this thing now and that thing anon but as I sayd know all at once without all succession of times and I iudge it spoken also because of that inuisible and voyd Earth exempted in like manner from all interchangeablenesse of times which vses to haue this thing now and anon that the reason is that where there is not any figure there can bee no variety of this or that Because of these two that One first formed vtterly vnperfected Heauen meaning the Heauen of heauens and this other earth meaning the inuisible and shapelesse earth because of these two as I iudge in the meane time did thy Scripture speake without mention of any dayes In the beginning God created Heauen and Earth seeing presently hee added what earth hee spake of and because also the Firmament being recorded to bee created the second day and called
God! what miseries and what mockeries did I finde in that age when as being yet a Boy obedience to my Teachers was propounded unto me as the meanes to live by another day that in this world I might grow famous and prove excellent in Tongue-sciences which should get me reputation amongst men and deceitfull riches Thereupon was I set to schoole to get Learning whereby little knew I wretch that I was what profit might be obtained and yet if I proved trewantly at my Booke I was presently beaten For this discipline was commended by our Ancestours and divers passing the same course before our times had chalked these troublesome waies out unto us by which we were constrained to follow them multiplying by this meanes both labour and sorrow to the sonnes of Adam 2. We little ones observed O Lord how certaine men would pray unto thee and wee learnd of them thinking thee as farre as we could apprehend to be some great thing who wert able and yet not appeare to our senses both to heare and helpe us For being yet a Boy I beganne to pray unto thee my ayd and refuge and I even brake the strings of my tongue in praying to thee being but yet a little one I prayed to thee with no small devotion that I might not be beaten at schoole And when thou heardest not which yet was not to bee accounted folly in me my corrections which I then esteemed my greatest and most grievous affliction were made sport at by my elders yea and by mine owne parents who wisht no hurt at all unto me Is there any man O Lord of so great a spirit cleaving to thee with so strong an affection is there any man I say for even a stupidity may other-whiles doe as much who by devoutly applying himselfe unto thee is so resolutely affected that hee can thinke so slightly of those rackes and strappadoes and such variety of torments for the avoiding whereof men pray unto thee with so much feare all the world over that he can make sport at those who most bitterly feare them as our parents laugh at those torments which wee schoole-boyes suffer from our Masters For we were no lesse afraid of the Rod nor did wee lesse earnestly pray to thee for the scaping of it than others did of their tortures And yet for all our feares we too often played the Trewants either in writing or reading or thinking upon our lessons lesse than was required of us 3. For wee wanted not O Lord either memory or capacity of which considering our age thou pleasedst to bestow enough upon us but our minde was all upon playing for which we were beaten even by those Masters who had done as much themselves But elder folkes Idlenesses must forsooth bee called Businesse and when children doe the like the same men must punish them and yet no man pitties either childrens punishments or mens follies or eyther But perhaps some indifferent Iudge might account mee to be justly beaten for playing at Ball being yet a Boy because by that sport I was hindred in my Learning by which when I came to be a man I was to play the foole more unbeseemingly as my Master who now beat me often did who if in any trifling Question he were foyled by another Schoolemaster he was presently more rackt with choler and envy at him than I was when at a Match at Tennis-ball I lost the Game to my play-fellow CHAP. 10. How for his play he neglected his parents commandements 1. ANd yet I offended O Lord God! thou disposer and Creator of all naturall things onely of sinnes not the ordainer I sinned O Lord my God! in doing contrary to the commandements of my parents and of those Masters for I might afterwards have made good use of my learning which they were desirous I should obtaine whatsoever purpose they had in it For I disobeyed them not out of desire of choosing better courses but all out of a desire to play aspiring to be Captaine at all sports and to have mine eares tickled with fained Fables to make them itch the more glowingly the like desperate curiosity also sparkling through mine eyes after the showes and playes frequented by my elders the Authors whereof are esteemed to gaine so much honour by it that almost all the Spectators wish the like to their owne children whom for all that they suffer to bee beaten if by such Stage-playes they bee hindred from their studies by which they desire them to arrive one day to the ability of making the like Looke downe upon these things mercifully O Lord and deliver us that now call upon thee deliver also those that doe not yet call upon thee that they may call upon thee and thou maist deliver them CHAP. 11. How he fell sicke and how recovering his Baptisme was deferred 1. I Had heard being yet a Boy of eternall life promised unto us through the humility of thy Sonne our Lord God descending even to our pride And I was then signed with the signe of his Crosse and was seasoned with his salt so soone as I came out of my Mothers wombe who greatly trusted in thee Thou sawest O Lord when being yet a Boy and was one day taken with a paine in the stomacke I suddenly fell into a Fit very like to dye Thou sawest O my God for thou wert my keeper with what earnestnesse of mind and with what faith I importuned the piety both of mine owne Mother and of thy Church the Mother of us all for the Baptisme of thy Christ my Lord God Whereupon the Mother of my flesh being much porplexed for that in a chast heart and faith in thee she most lovingly even travailed in birth of my eternall salvation did hasten with great care to procure me to bee initiated and washed with thy wholsome Sacraments I first confessing thee O Lord Iesus for the remission of sins but that I presently recovered upon it Vpon my recovery was my cleansing deferred as if it were necessary that I should yet be more defiled if I lived longer because forsooth the guilt contracted by the filth of sinne were both greater and more dangerous after Baptisme than before 2. Thus did I then beleeve as also my Mother and the whole House except my Father onely who did not for all this overthrow the power of my Mothers piety in me to the hindrance of my beleeving in Christ although himselfe had not yeâ— beleeved in him For she by all meanes endevoured that thou my God shouldst bee my Father rather than he And herein didst thou assist her to overcome her Husband to whom though the better of the two she continued her service wherin she principally served thee who commandest her to doe so I beseech thee O my God for I would gladly know if thou wert pleased to tell me to what purpose was my Baptisme then deferred whether it were more for my good that the reynes of sinne were as it
it were with gall all the pleasures of those fabulous narrations For I understood not a word of it yet they vehemently pressed me and with most cruell threatnings and punishments to make me understand it The time was also when I was an infant that I knew not a word of Latine yet by marking I gate that without any feare or tormenting even by my nurses pratlings to me and the pretty tales of those that laught upon me and the sports of those that plaid with me 2. So much verily I learnt without any painefull burthen to mee of those that urged me for that mine owne heart put me to it to bring out mine owne conceptions Which I could never have done had I not learnd divers words not of those that taught me but of them that talkt familiarly to me in whose hearing I also brought forth whatsoever I had conceived Hereby it cleerely appeares that a free curiosity hath more force in childrens learning of languages than a frightfull enforcement can have But the unsetlednesse of that freedome this inforcement restraines Thy Lawes O God yea Thy Lawes even from the schoolemasters Ferula to the martyrs Tryalls being able to temper wholesome and bitter together calling us backe by that meanes unto thy selfe even from that infectious sweetnesse which at first allured us to fall away from Thee CHAP. 15. His Prayer to God 1. HEare my prayer O Lord let not my soule faint under thy correction nor let mee faint in confessing unto thee thine owne mercies by which thou hast drawne mee out of all mine own most wicked courses that thy selfe mightest from hence forward grow sweet unto me beyond all those allurements which heretofore I followed and that I might most intirely love thee and lay hold upon thy hand with all the powers of my heart that thou mightest finally draw mee out of all danger of temptation 2. For behold O Lord my King whatsoever good I have learned being a boy unto thy service let it be all directed yea whatsoever I speake or write or reade or number let all serve thee For when I learned vaine things thou didst discipline me and in those vanities thou forgavest the sinfulnesse of my delight in them In those studies I learnt many usefull words but those might have beene also learned in studies not so vaine which is I confesse the safest way for children to be trayned up in CHAP. 16. Against lascivious fables 1. BVt woe unto thee O thou Torrent of humane custome who shall stoppe the course of thee when wilt thou be drye how long wilt thou continue tumbling the sonnes of Eve into that hugie and hidcous Ocean which they very hardly passe who are well shipped Do I not reade in thee of Iupiter sometimes thundering and sometime adulterating but verily both these could not one person doe but this is feyned that hee might have authority to imitate true-acted Adultery false thunder the meane while playing the bawde to him Yet which of our grave Masters can with any patience heare a man that should in his Schoole cry out saying Homer feigned these and ascribed mens faults unto the gods but I had rather he had derived divine excellencies upon us But more truely is it said that Homer feyned these things indeed and that by his attributing divine excellencies to most wicked mortals crimes might not be accounted crimes so that whosoever shal commit the like seemes not therein to imitate desperate people but some heavenly Deities 2. This notwithstanding O thou hellish torrent are the sonnes of men cast into thee with rewards propounded to allure children to learne these fables and a great solemnity is made of it when t is pleaded for openly in the assembles and in the sight of the lawes which allow stipends to the Teachers over and above the reward unto the schollers yet O Torrent thou art still beating upon thy rocks roaring out and crying Here are fine words to bee learned here Eloquence is attained eloquence so necessary to perswade to businesse and with advantage to expresse sentences But for all this should wee never so patheticall have understood these words The golden showre The lappe The deceipt The temple of heaven and such others written â— the same place had not Terâ—nâ— withall brought a lewd your man upon the stage propounding Iupiter to himselfe for a example of his adultery whâ—â— he beholds a certaine picture â—â— the wall wherein was set out tâ— the life the story of Iupiter râ—yning a golden showre into Dâ—â—aes lappe deceiving the simpâ—â— mayden by that meanes Show that young man provoke himselfe to lust as if he had he a celestiall authority for it 3. But what God doe I imitate saith hee even that God who with a mighty thunder shakes the very Arches of heaven may not I then frayle flesh and blood doe as much But I for my part did as much unprovoked yea gladly too Plainly by this filthy matter are not these words so much the more commodiously learned as by these words is this filthy businesse learned to bee the more confidently committed I blame nor the words which of themselves are like vessels choyce and precious but that wine of error which is in them drunke to us by our intoxicated teachers If we refused to pledge them wee were beaten nor had wee liberty to appeale unto any sober Iudges All this notwithstanding O my God I in whose presence I now with securityremember this did willingly learne these things and unhappy I was for this accounted a youth of much towardlinesse CHAP. 17. The way of exercising youth in repeating and varying of verses 1. GIve me leave O my God to tell thee something and that of mine own wit which was thy gift and what dotages I spent it upon-My Master put a taske upon me troublesome enough to my soule and that upon termes of reward of commendations or feare of shame and whipping namely That I should declame upon those words of Iuno expressing both her anger and sorrow that shee could not keepe off the Trojane King from going into Italie which words I had heard that Iuno never uttered yet were we enforced to imitate the passages of these poeticall fictions and to varie that into Prose which the Poet had expressed in verse And hee decliamed with most applause in whose action according to the dignity of the person represented there appeared an affection neerest to anger or griefe set out with words most agreeable to the matter 2. But to what end was this O my true life my God why was my declamation more applauded than so many others of mine owne age and forme Was not all this meere smoke and winde and could no other subject be found to exercise my wit and tongue in Thy prayses O Lord thy prayses might have stayed the tender sprig of my heart upon the prop of thy Scriptures that it might not have beene cropt off by these empty vanities to bee catcht up as a
prey by those flying spirits For by more waies than one is there sacrrifice offered to the collapsed Angels CHAP. 18. That men care more to observe the Rules of Grammar than the Lawes of God 1. BVt what wonder was it if I were thus carryed towards vanity and estranged from thee O my God wheneas such men were propounded to me to imitate who should they deliver any of their owne Acts though not evill with any Barbarisme or Soloecisme they were utterly dasht out of countenance but should they make a copious and neat Oration of their owne lusts in a round and well followed stile would take a pride to bee applauded for it These things thou seest O Lord long suffering and of much mercy and truth and thou keepest silence but wilt thou be silent for ever and forbeare to draw out of this horrible pit that soule that seeks after thee and that thirsts after thy pleasures whose heart saith unto thee I have sought thy face and thy face Lord will I seeke For I had straggled farre away from thy countenance in the mistynesse of my affections 2. For we neither goe nor returne from or to thee upon our feet or by distance of spaces or did that yonger brother seeke Post-horses or Waggons or Ships flye away with visible wings or take his journey by the motion of his hammes that living in a farre Countrey hee might prodigally waste that portion which thou hadst given him at his departure A sweet Father because thou gavest him his portion yet farre sweeter to the poore wretch returning for that he went from thee out of a voluptuous affection that is to say a darkned one and such that is which is farre from thy countenance Behold O Lord God and patiently behold as thou still doest how diligently the sonnes of men observe the Rules of letters and syllables received from former speakers and yet regard not the eternall covenants of everlasting salvation received from thy selfe Insomuch that he who either holds or teaches the ancient Rules of pronunciation if contrary to Grammar hee shall pronounce ominem that is a man without H in the first syllable he shall displease men more than if against thy Rules he should hate a man As if any man should thinke his enemy to be more pernicious to him than that hatred of his own is whereby he is set on against him or imagine that hee does worse skath to another man by persecuting him than he does to his own heart by contriving enmity against him 3. And certainely there is no other inward knowledge of Letters but this Law of Nature written in the conscience Not to doe to another what himselfe would not suffer How secret art thou O thou onely great God! which dwellest in the highest and in silence with an untyred destiny dispersing blindnesses for punishments upon unlawfull desires When a man affects the credit of Eloquence standing before a mortall Iudge a multitude of mortals standing about him inveighing against his Adversary with his fiercest hatred he takes heed most watchfully that his tongue trips not before men but takes no heed at all lest through the fury of his spirit he should destroy a man out of the society of men CHAP. 19. How he was more carefull to avoid barbarisme of speech than corruption of manners 1. IN the Road-way of these Customes lay I wretched Boy and upon that Stage I play'd my Prizes where I more feared to commit a barbarisme in speaking than I tooke care when I committed any not to envie those that committed none All this I declare and confesse to thee my God namely in what things I was by them applauded to please whom I then accounted equall to living honestly For I then discerned not that whirle-poole of filthinesse whereinto I was cast from thine eyes For in thine eyes what was more filthy than I where also I displeased such as my selfe with innumerable lyes deceiuing both my Tutor and Masters and Parents all for love of play out of a desire to see toyes and of imitating them with a ridiculous unrestfulnesse 2. Theevery also I committed out of my Fathers Buttery and Table eyther gluttony oft commanding mee or that I might have something to give my play-fellowes selling-mee their Babies with which they were as much delighted as my selfe In these play-games I being often over-matcht did with a vaine desire to be counted excellent aspire to winne though by foule play And what was I so unwilling to indure and what if I found out the deceipt would I so fiercely wrangle at as even those very trickes which I would put upon others and being my selfe taken with the manner I would rather fall flat out than yeeld to it 3. Is this that childish innocencie It is not LORD it is not LORD I cry thy mercie O my GOD for wranglings about Nuts and Balls and Birds are as much to boyes yet under their Tutors and Masters as the ill getting of Gold and Mannor Houses and Slaves is to Kings and to Governours But this Boyes-play passes over as more yeeres come on just as greater punishments follow after the Ferula Thou therefore O our King hast allowed of the Character of humility in the stature of Childehood when once thou saydest To such belongeth the Kingdome of God CHAP. 20. He thanketh God for his Benefits 1. BVt yet O Lord thankes had beene due to thee our God and most excellent Creator Governour of this Vniverse although thou hadst not beene pleased to have brought me any further than that age of Childhood For even then a Being I had yea Life and Senses even then had I a care of mine owne wel-being which is an impression of that most secret unity of thine whence I had my Being in my inward sense preserved I the intirenesse of my outward senses and in these slender faculties was I delighted with the truth of meane conceipts I would not willingly bee decerved a fresh memory I had in formes of speaking I was well tutored by friendly usage I was made tractable I avoyded all sadnesse dejectednesse and ignorance in such a little Creature what was there not admirable not commendable But all these are the gifts of my God for I bestowed them not upon my selfe Good endowments they were and all these was I. Good therefore is Hee that made me yea he is my God and to him I rejoyce for all my good gifts which of a Child I had But here was my oversight that I sought not my selfe and other pleasures honours and trueths in Him but in his Creatures and therefore rusht I my selfe upon sorrowes disorders and errours Thankes to thee my sweetnesse my honour my trust and my God Thankes to thee for all thy gifts but be pleased to preserve them still vnto me and thus shall my selfe bee preserved and thy Gifts shall be both increased and perfected yea and I shall be with thee for my being is of thy giving *
delight to jeere at and to put tricks upon others CHAP. 4. How Tullies Hortensuis provokt him to study Philosophie 1. AMongst these mad companions in that tender age of mine learnd I the Bookes of Eloquence wherein my ambition was to be eminent all out of a damnable and vaine-glorious end puse up with a delight of humane glory By the ordinary course of study I fell upon a certaine booke of one Cicerâ— whose tongue almost every man admires though not his heart This booke of his contaynes an exhortation to Philosophie and 't is called Hort ensius This very Book quite altered my affection turned my prayers to thy selfe O Lord and made me have cleane other purposes and desires All my vayne hopes I thenceforth slighted and with an incredible heat of spirit I thirsted after the immortality of wisdome and began now to rowse up my selfe that I might turne again to thee ward For I made not use of that booke to file my tongue with which I seemed to buy with that â—â—â—â—bition my another allowed me in that mine tenth yeere of my age my father being dead two yeeres before I made not use therefore of that book I say to sharpen my tongue withall nor had it perswaded me to affect the find language in it but the matter of in 2. How did I burne then my God how was I inflamed to fly from earthly delights towards thee and yet I knew not what thou meanedst to doe with me For with thee is wisdome That love of wisedome is in Greeke called Philosophie with which that booke inflam'd mee Some there bee that seduce others through Philosophie under a great a faire promising and an honest name colouring over and palliating their owne errors and almost all those who in the same and former ages had beene of that stamp are in that booke censured and set forth there also is that most wholesome advice of thy Spirit given by thy good and devout servant made plaine Beware left any man spoyle you through Philosophie and vaine deceipt after the tradition of men after the rudiments of the world and not after Christ For in him dwelleth all the fulnesse of the Godhead bodily 3. For my part thou light of my heart knowest that the Apostolicall Scriptures were scarce knowne to me at that time but this was it that so delighted mee in that exhortation that it did not ingage mee to this or that sect but left me free to love and seeke and obtaine and hold and embrace wisdome it selfe what ever it were Perchance 't was that booke I was stirred up and inkindled and inflamed by This thing only in such a heat of zeale tooke me off that the name of Christ was not in it For this Name according to thy mercy O Lord this Name of my Saviour thy Sonne had my tender heart even together with my mothers milke devoutly drunken in and charily treasured up so that what booke soever was without that Name though never so learned politely and truely penned did not altogether take my approbation CHAP. 5. Hee sets lightly by the Holy Scriptures because of the simplicity of the stile 1. I Resolved thereupon to bend my studies towards the holy Scriptures that I might see what they were But behold I espie something in them not revealed to the proud not discovered unto children humble in stile sublime in operation and wholly veyled over in mysteries and I was not so fitted at that time as to pierce into the sense or stoope my high neck to track the stile of it For when I attentively read these Scriptures I thought not then so highly of them as I now speake but they seemed to me farre unworthy to be compared to the statelinesse of the Ciceronian eloquence For my swelling pride soar'd above the temper of their stile nor was my sharpe wit able to pierce into their sense And yet such are thy Scriptures as grew up together with thy little Ones But I much disdained to be held a little One and big-swoln with pride I tooke my selfe to be some great man CHAP. 6. How hee was insnared by the Manichees 1. ANd even therefore I fell upon a sect of men proudly doting too carnall and prating in whose mouths were the very snares of the divell and a very Birdlime compounded by the mixture of the syllables of thy Name and of our Lord Iesus Christ and of the Holy Ghost the Comforter All these names came not out of their mouth but so farre forth as the sound only and the noyse of the tongue for their heart was voyd of true meaning Yet they cryed out Truth and Truth and divers sounded the word to mee yet was the Truth it selfe no where to be found amongst them But they spake falsehood not of thee onely who truely art the Truth it selfe but also of the elements of this world thy creatures Concerning which it had beene my duty O my supreme good Father thou beauty of all things that are beautifull to have out-stripped all the Philosophers though they spake most truely O Truth Truth how inwardly did the very marrow of my soule pant after thee when as they often and divers wayes though but barely pronounced thy name to me with their voice onely and in many bookes and hugie volumes And these were the dishes wherein to hunger-starven me they instead of thee served in the Sun and Moone Beautifull works indeed of thine but thy creatures notwithstanding not thy selfe no nor thy first creatures neither For thy spirituall works are before these corporeall workes celestiall though they be and shining 2. But I hungered and thirsted not after those first workes of thine but after thee even thee the Truth with whom there is no variablenesse neither shadow of turning yet they still set before me in those dishes glorious phantasies than which much better it were to love this Sunne which is true to our sights at least than those phantasies which by our eyes serve to deceive our minde Yet because I thought Them to be Thee I fell to and fed not greedily though for thou wert not savoury in my mouth nor like thy selfe for thou wast not those empty fictions nor was I soundly nourisht by them but drawne dry rather That food we dreame of shewes very like the food which we eat awake yet are not those asleepe nourisht by it for they are asleep But neither were those phantasies any way like to thee as thou hast since spoken to me for that those were corporeall phantasies only false bodies than which these true bodies both celestiall and terrestriall which with our fleshly sight we behold are far more certaine These things the very beasts and birds discerne as well as wee and they are much more certayne than any we can fancy of our selves And againe we doe with more certaintie conceive the images of these than by them entertaine the least suspition of any vaster or infinite bodies which have
growing Corne. And there are some againe that looke like infamous or impudent crimes which yet are no sinnes even for that they neither offend thee O Lord God nor yet any sociable conversation when namely provision is made of somethings fitting for the times and we cannot judge whether it be out of a lust of having or when some actions bee by ordinary authority punished with a desire of correcting and it is uncertaine whether it were out of a desire of hurting Many a fact therefore which seemes worthily disallowed by men is yet well approved of by thy testimony and many a one by men praised are thou being witnesse condemned and all this because the outside of the fact and the minde of the doer and the unknowne secret of the present hint of opportunity are all different from one another 2. But when thou on the sudden commandest any unusuall and unthought-of thing yea notwithstanding thou hast sometime heretofore forbidden this although thou keepest secret for the time the reason of thy command and notwithstanding it bee against the private ordinance of some Society of men who doubts but it is to be obeyed seeing that Society of men is a just Society which serves thee But happy are they who know it was thou that gave the command For all things are done by them that serve thee either for the providing themselves of what is needfull for the present or for the foreshewing of something to come hereafter CHAP. 10. Hee speakes againe of the Fig-tree and derides the Manichees foolish conceits about it 1. I My selfe being at that time ignorant of these things derided heartily those holy servants and Prophets of thine And what gain'd I by scoffing at them but that my selfe should in the meane time be scorned at by thee being sensibly and by little and little drawne on to those toyes as to beleeve that a Fig-tree wept when it were plucked and the Mother of it to shed milkie teares Which Fig notwithstanding pluckt by some other mans boldnesse had some Manichean Saint eaten hee should digest in his guts and breath out of that Fig very Angels yea in his prayer groane and sigh out certaine portions forsooth of the Deity which portions of the most high and true GOD should remaine bound in that Fig unlesse they had beene set at liberty by the teeth or belly of some elect holy one And I beleeved wretch that I was that more mercy was to bee shewne to the fruits of the earth that unto men for whose use they were created For if any man though a hungred should have eaten a bit who were no Manichee that morsell would seeme as it were to be condemned to a capitall punishment should it have been given him CHAP. 11. His mothers Dreame 1. ANd thou stretchedst thine hand from on high and drewest my soule out of that darksome deepenesse when as my mother thy faithfull one wept to thee for me more bitterly than mothers use to doe for the bodily deaths of their children For she evidently fore saw my death by that faith and spirit which thou hadst given her and thou heardest her O Lord thou heardst her despisedst not her teares when flowing downe they watered the very earth under her eyes in every place where she prayed yea thou heardst her For whence else was that dreame of hers by which thou comfortedst her in which shee verily thought mee to live with her and to eate at the same table in house with her which shee already begunne to bee unwilling withall refusing and detesting the blasphemies of my errour For she saw in her sleepe her selfe standing in a certain woodden battlement and a very beautifull young man comming towards her with a cheerefull countenance and smiling upon her herselfe being grieved and farre gone with sorrowfulnesse Which yong man when he had demanded of her the causes of her sadnesse and dayly weepings that he might teach rather as Angels use to doe than learne and shee had answered that it was my perdition that shee bewayled he bad her rest contented and wisht her to observe diligently and behold That where she herselfe was there was I also Who when she lookt aside shee saw mestanding by her in the same battlement How should this chance now but that thine eares were bent towards the requests of her heart 2. O thou Good omnipotent who hast such speciall care of every one of us as if thou hadst care but of one alone and so regardest all as if but single persons How came this about also that when she had told me this Vision and I would have interpreted it That shee should not despaire of being one day of my opinion she presently without any sticking at replyes No saith shee it was not told mee that thou art where he is but where thou art there hee is I confesse to thee O Lord that to the best of my remembrance which I have oft spoken of I was then the more moved at that answer of my vigilant mother that she was not put out of conceipt by the likelyhood of my forced interpretation and that upon the very instant she apprehended as much of it as was truly to be discerned which I my selfe verily had not perceived before she spake I was more moved I say at that than with her dreame it selfe by which the joy of that holy woman to be fulfilled so long after was for the consolation of her present anguish so long before foresignified 3. For nine full yeeres passed after that in all which I tumbled up downe in the mudde of that deepe pit and the darknesse of that false beleefe and when I endeavoured to rise the violentlyer was I slung downe againe All which time that chast godly and sober widdow such thou lovest more cheered up with hope though no whit slackned in weeping and mourning failed not all howres of her set prayers to bewayle my case unto thee And her prayers found entrance then into thy sight yet notwithstanding thou sufferedst mee to be tumbled yet againe and to be all over involved in that mist of Manichisme CHAP. 12. The answer his mother received from a Bishop concerning his conversion 1. ANd thou gavest her another answere in the meane time which I now remember and yet I passe over many a one for that I make hast to those things which more presse me to confesse unto thee and many have I also forgotten Thou affordedst her another answer therefore by a certaine Priest of thine a Bishop brought up in thy Church well studied in thy Bookes Whom when this woman had intreated that he would vouchsafe to have some conference with me as well to un-teach me what was false as to instruct me in what was sound for this office shee ever and anone did for mee as she found men fit for such an undertaking but hee refused it and in truth discreetly too as I better afterwards perceived For his answer was
with him wanting him turned to my most cruell torture Mine eyes rov'd about every where for him but they met not with him and I hated all places for that they had not him nor could they now tell me Behold he will come shortly as when he was alive they did when-ever he was absent I became a great examiner of my selfe and I often asked over my soule why she was so sad and why she afflicted mee so sorely but shee knew not what to answer mee Then said I to my soule Put thy trust in God but very justly she did not obey me because that most deare man whom she had lost was both truer and better than that phantasticall God she was bid to trust in Only teares were sweet to me for they had now succeeded in my friends place in the dearest of my affections CHAP. 5. Of teares in our prayers for and bewailing of the thing beloved 1. ANd now Lord are these things well passed over and time hath asswaged the anguish of my wound May I learne this from theâ— who art Truth and may I apply the eare of my heart unto thy mouth that thou maist tell me the reason why weeping should bee so sweet to people in misery Hast thou notwithstanding thou art present every where cast away our misery farre from thee and thou remainest constant in thy selfe but we are tumbled up and downe in divers tryals and yet unlesse wee should bewayle our selves in thine eares there should no hope remaine for us How comes it then to passe that such sweet fruit is gathered from the bitter tree of a miserable life namely to mourne and weepe and sigh and complaine Is it this that sweetens it that we are in hope thou hearest us This may be rightly thought of our prayers because they have a desire to approach unto thee But may it be so said too concerning that griefe and mourning for the thing lost with which I was then wholly overwhelmed For I could not hope he should now revive againe nor did I desire this with all my teares but bemone him onely I did and weep for him seeing a wretch I was and had utterly lost all my joy Or is weeping a bitter thing and yet out of a full-gorg'dnesse of what we before enjoyed and in the very instant while wee are a loathing of them can it be pleasing to us CHAP. 6. He tels with what great affection he loved his friend 1. BVt what speake I of these things for 't is no time to aske questions but to confesse unto thee Wretched I was and wretched is every soule that is engaged in the friendship of mortall things he becomes all to pieces when he forgoes them and then first he becomes sensible of his misery by which he is already miserable even before hee forgoes them This was my case at that time I wept full bitterly and yet was best at quiet in that bitternesse Thus was I wretched enough and that wretched life I accounted more deare than my friend himselfe For though I would gladly have exchanged it yet as unwilling I was to forgoe that as I had been to lose him yea I knew not whether I would have forgone that even to have enjoyed him Like as the tradition if it be not a fiction goes of Pilades and Orestes who would gladly have dyed one for another or else both together it being to them worse than death not to live together But I know not what kinde of affection prevailed with mee which was too much contrary to theirs for both grievously tedious to me it was to live and yet fearefull I was to dye I suppose that how much the more affectionately I loved him so much the more did I both hate and feare as my cruellest enemy death which had bereaved me of him and I imagined it would speedily make an end of all other men because it had the power to doe of him Even thus I well remember stood I then affected 2. Behold my heart O my GOD yea search it throughly search it because I remember it well O my Hope who cleansest me from the impurity of such affections directing mine eyes towards thee and plucking my feet out of the snare For I much admired that other mortals did live since he whom I so loved as if he never should have dyed was now dead yea I more admired that my selfe who was to him a second selfe should be able to live after him Well said he of his friend Thou halfe of my soule for I still thought my soule and his soule to have beene but one soule in two bodies and therefore was my life a very horror to me because I would not live by halves And even therefore perchance was I afraid to dye lest he should wholy die whom so passionately I had loved CHAP. 7. The impatientnesse of griefe constraines us to shift our dwellings 1 O Madnesse which knowest not how to love men as men should be loved O foolish man which so impatiently endurest the chances mortality is subject unto Thus mad and foolish was I at that time Therefore I storm'd and puâ—t and cryed and tumbled being capable neither of Rest nor Counsayle For I was sayne to uphold my shattered and blood-blubbered soule which yet had not patience enough to be supported by me yet a place where to dispose of it I could not light upon Not in the delightfull groves not where mirth and musicke was nor in the odoriferous Gardens nor in curious Banquettings nor in the pleasures of the Bed and Chambering nor finally in reading over eyther Verse or Prose tooke it any contentment Every thing was offensive yea the very light it selfe and whatsoever were not as hee was was alike painefull and hatefull to me except groaning and weeping For onely in those found I a little refreshment 2. But so soone as I had retired my soule from them a huge weight of misery over-loaded me which thou onely couldest ease and lighten O Lord. I knew thus much and yet indeed I would not nor was I able for thou wert not any solid or substantiall thing unto me when in those dayes I thought upon thee For not thou thy selfe but mine owne idle phantasie and errouâ— were then my God If I offered to discharge my burthen upon that to give it some easement fell as it were into the empty ayre and came tumbling againe upon me whereupon I remained so unfortunate a place to my selfe as there I could neither stay nor get away from it For whither should my heart flye from my heart Whither was it possible to fly from mine own selfe Whither should I not have followed my selfe And yet after all this out of my Countrey fled for so should mine eyes lesse looke for him there where they were not wont to see him And thus I left Tagaste and came to Carthage CHAP. 8. Time cures Sorrow 1. TImes lose no time not doe they idly goe and returne
was very hot upon in that kinde of learning in which at that time being a Rhetoricke-Reader in Carthage I instructed yong Students and I began to reade with him eyther what himselfe desired to heare or such stuffe as I judged fit for such a wit But all my endevour by which I purposed to proceed in that Sect upon knowledge of that man began utterly to faint in me not that I yet brake with them altogether but as one not finding any thing better than that course upon which I had some way or other throwne my selfe I resolved to stay where I was a while untill by some good chance something else might appeare which I should see more cause to make choice of 3. And thus that Faustus who had beene the very snare of death unto divers had now nor willing nor knowing begun to unbinde the snare in which I was fettered For thy hands O my God out of the secret of thy providence did not now forsake my soule and out of the blood of my Mothers heart through her teares night and day powred out hadst thou a Sacrifice offered for me and thou proceededst with me by strange and secret wayes This thou diddest O my God for the steps of a man shall bee directed by the Lord and hee shall dispose his way For how shall we procure salvation but from thy hand that repaires whatsoever thou hast made CHAP. 8. He takes a voyage to Rome against the will of his Mother 1. THou dealtest with me therefore that I should be perswaded to goe to Rome and to teach there rather than at Carthage And how I came to be perswaded to this I will not neglect to confesse unto thee because hereby thy most profound secrets and thy most ready mercie towards us may bee considered upon and professed I had no intent for this cause to goe towards Rome that greater gettings and higher preferments were warranted mee by my friends which perswaded me to the journey though these hopes likewise drew on my minde at that time but there was another great reason for it which was almost the onely reason that I had heard how yong men might follow their studies there more quietly and were kept under a stticter course of discipline that they might not at their pleasures and in insolent manner rush in upon that mans Schoole where their owne Master professed not no nor come within the doores of it unlesse he permitted it 2. But at Carthage on the other side reignes a most uncivill and unruly licentiousnesse amongst the Schollers They breake in audaciously and almost with Bedlam lookes disturbe all order which any Master hath propounded for the good of his Schollers Divers outrages doe they commit with a wonderfull stupidnesse deserving soundly to be punished by the Lawes were not Custome the defendresse of them this declaring them to bee more miserable as if that were lawfull to doe which by thy eternall Law shall never be so and they suppose they escape unpunished all this while whereas they bee enough punished with the blindnesse which they doe it with and that they already suffer things incomparably worse than what they doe These mens manners therefore when I was a Student I would never fashion my selfe unto though when I set up Schoole I was faine to endure them from others and for this cause was I desirous to goe to Rome where all those that knew it assured me that there were no such insolencies committed But thou O my refuge and my portion in the land of the living to force me to change my dwelling for the salvation of my soule didst pricke me forward with goads at Carthage with which I might be driven thence and mad'st proffer of certaine allurements at Rome by which I might be drawne thither even by men who were in love with a dying life now playing mad pranckes then promising vaine hopes and for the reforming of my courses diddest thou make secret use both of their perversenesse and of mine owne too For both they that disturbed my quiet were blinded with a base madnesse and those that invited mee to another course savoured meerely of the Earth And I my selfe who here detested true misery aspired there to a false felicity 3. But the cause why I went from thence and went thither thou knewest O God yet didst thou neither discover it to me nor to my Mother who heavily bewailed my journey and followed me as farre as the Sea side But I deceived her though holding me by force that either I should goe backe with her or she might goe along with me for I feined that I had a friend whom I could not leave till I saw him with a faire wind under saile Thus I made a lye to my Mother and to so good a Mother too and so got away from her But this hast thou mercifully forgiven mee preserving me from the waters of the Sea then full of execrable filthinesse landing me safe at the water of thy Grace with which so soone as I were purged those floods of my Mothers eyes should be dryed up with which for my sake she daily watred the ground under her face in prayer unto thee At last refusing to returne without me I with much adoe perswaded her to stay that night in a place hard by our Ship where there was an Oratory erected in memory of S. Cyprian That night I privily stole aboord but she tarryed behinde in weeping and prayer And what O Lord requested she at thy hands but that thou would'st not suffer me to saile away from her But thou profoundly providing and fearing the maine point of her desire didst not at that time regard her petition that thou mightest bring that to passe in mee which she had alwaies beg'd of thee 4. The wind blew faire and sweld our sailes and the shore withdrew it self from our sights The morrow after she fell into an extreme passion of sorrow and with complaints and lamentation she even fil'd thine eares which did for that time little seeme to regard them even then when through the strength of my owne desires thou didst hurry me away that thou mightest at once put an end to al her cares meane while her carnall affection towards me was justly punished by the scourge of sorrowes For she much doated on my company as Mothers use to doe yea much more fondly than many Mothers for little knew she how great a Ioy thou wert about to worke for her out of my absence She knew nothing of it therfore did she weepe and lament proving herselfe by those tortures to bee guilty of what Eve left behind her with sorrow seeking what shee had brought forth in sorrow But having at last made an end of accusing me of false and hard dealing with her shee betooke her selfe againe to intreat thy favour for me returned home and I went on towards Rome CHAP. 9. Of a shrewd fever that hee fell into 1. BVt loe there
If ye have not beene faithfull in the unrighteous Mamman who will commit to your trust true riches And if ye have not beene faithfull in that which is another mans who shall give you that which is your owne Such a man as I have described did at that time adjoyne himselfe unto me and wavered in his purpose as I did what course of life was to be taken Nebridius also who having left his native Countrey neere Carthage yea and Carthage it selfe where for the most part he lived leaving his Fathers lands which were very rich leaving his owne house and a Mother behinde who meant not like mine to follow after him was by this time come to Millan and for no other reason neither but that he might bestow himselfe with me in a most ardent desire after Truth and Wisdome Together with mee hee sighed and with me he wavered still continuing a most ardent searcher after happinesse and a most acute examiner of the difficultest Questions Thus were there now gotten together the mouthes of three Beggars fighing out their wants one to another and waiting upon thee that thou mightest give them their meat in due season And in much anguish of spirit which by the disposing of thy mercie still followed our worldly affaires looking towards the end why wee should suffer all this darknesse beelouded us whereupon wee turned away mourning to our selves saying How long will things continue at this stay This wee often said but in saying so wee yet forsooke not our errours for that wee yet discovered no certainty which when wee had forsaken them we might betake our selves unto CHAP. 11. Hee deliberates what course of life he were best to take 1. ANd I admired extremely pondering earnestly with my selfe and examining of my memory what a deale of time I had consumed since that nine and twentieth yeere of mine age in which I began first to be inflamed with the study of wisdome resolving that when I had found that to let passe all those empty hopes and lying phrenzies of vaine desires And behold I was now going of my thirtieth yeere still sticking in the same clay still possest with a greedinesse of enjoying things present they as fast flitting and wasting my soule I still saying to my selfe To morrow I shall finde it out it will appeare very plainely and I shall understand it and behold Faustus the Manichee will come and cleere every thing O you great men of the Academikes opinion who affirme That no certaine course for the ordering of our lives can possibly be comprehended Nay let us rather search the more diligently and not despaire of finding for behold those things in the Ecclesiasticall Bookes are not absurd to us now which sometimes seemed so for they may be otherwise yea and that honestly understood I will hence-forth pitch my foot upon that step on which being yet a child my parents placed mee untill such time as the cleere Truth may be found out 2. But where-abouts shall it be sought for When shall it be sought for Ambrose is not at leasure nor have we our selves any spare time to reade But where shall we finde the Books to reade on Whence or when can we procure them or from whom borrow them Let set times be appointed and certaine houres distributed for the health of our soules We now begin to conceive great hopes The Catholike Faith teaches not what we thought it had whereof we vainely accused it The learned men of that Faith hold it for a detestable opinion to beleeve God to be comprehended under the figure of our humane body and do we doubt to knocke that the other mysteries may be also opened unto us All the forenoones our schollers take up what shall we doe the rest of the day Why goe wee not about this But when then shall we visite our greater friends of whose favours we stand in need What time shall wee have to compose some discourses to sell to Schollers When shall wee recreate our selves and unbend our mindes from those cares they are too earnest upon Let all these thoughts perish let us give over these vaine and empty fancies and betake our selves solely to search out the Truth Life is miserable Death uncertaine if it steales upon us on the sudden in what case shall wee goe out of the world where shall we then learne what wee have here neglected Or rather shall we not there suffer the due punishment of our negligence If it be objected That Death will quite cut off both care and sense of all these things and there 's an end of them Rather let that bee first inquired into But God forbid that we should be of that mind It is not for no purpose 't is no idle toy that so eminent a heighth of authority which the Christian Faith hath is diffused all the world over Should then such and so great blessings be by the divine providence wrought for us if so be that together with the death of the body the life of the soule should bee brought to nothing also Wherefore then delay we time any longer that giving over our hopes of this world we might give up our selves wholly to seek after God a happy life 3. But stay a while Even these worldly things are sweet and they have some and that no small pleasure We are not too lightly to divorce our purposes from them for that it were a foule shame to make love againe to them See 't is no such great matter to obtain some Office of honour and what should a man desire more in this world We have store of potent friends though we had nothing else let us put our selves forward some place of preferment or other may be bestowed upon us or a Wife at least may be had with a good portion to ease our charges and this shal be the full point of our desires Many great persons and those worthy of our imitation have addicted themselves to the study of wisdome in the state of mariage 4. Whilest these things wee discoursed of and these winds of uncontainties changed up and downe and drove my heart this way and that way the time still passed on but I was slow to bee converted to my Lord God and from one day to another I deferred to live in thee but deferred not daily to dye within my selfe Being thus in love with an happy life yet feared I to finde it in its proper place and fleeing from it I sought after it I thought I should be too miserable should I bee debarred of the imbracements of a Woman as for that medicine of thy mercie which should cure that infirmity I never thought of it and all because I had no experience of it As for continency I supposed it to bee in the liberty of our owne power of which I for my part was not guilty being so foolish withall that I knew it not to be written That no man can preserve his
did I yet observe that very Intention of mine by which I formed those Images was not any such corporeall substance which yet could not have formed them had not it selfe beene some great thing In like manner did I conceive thee O thou Life of my life to be some hugie corporeall substance on every side piercing thorow the whole Globe of this world yea and diffused every way without it and that by infinite spaces though unbounded So that the Earth should have thee the Heaven should have thee all things should have thee and that they should be bounded in thee but thou no where 4. For as the body of this Ayre which is about the Earth hindred not the light of the Sun from passing thorow it which pierceth it not by bursting or by cutting but by filling of it so thought I that not the body of the Heaven the Ayre Sea onely but of the Earth too to be at pleasure passable unto thee yea easie to be pierced by thee in all its greatest and smallest parts that all might receive thy presence which by a secret inspiration both inwardly and outwardly governeth all things which thou hast created Thus I suspected because any other thing I could not thinke of and yet was this false too For by this meanes should a greater part of the Earth have contained a larger portion of thee and the lesse a lesser and then should all things in such sort have been full of thee as that the body of an Elephant should containe so much more of thee than the body of a Sparrow by how much that should be bigger than this and take up more roome by it by which conceipt shouldest thou make thy parts present unto the severall parts of the World by bits as it were great gobbets to great parts little bits to little parts of the world But thus thou art not present But thou hadst not as yet enlightned my darknesse CHAP. 2. Nebridius confutes the Manichees 1. IT might have bin enough for me Lord to have opposed against those deceived and deceivers those dumbe praters therefore dumbe because they founded not forth thy Word That question might have serv'd the turne which long agoe whiles wee were at Carthage Nebridius used to propound at which all we that heard it were much staggered namely What that I know not which nation of darknesse which the Manichees were wont to set in opposition against thee would have done unto thee hadst thou beene minded to fight with it For had they answered It would have done thee some hurt thē shouldst thou have bin subject to violence and corruption but if they answered It could do thee no hurt then would there have beene no reason brought for thy fighting with it especially for such a fighting in which some certaine portion or member of thine or some off-spring of thy substance should have been mingled with those contrary powers those natures not created by thee by whom it should so farre have beene corrupted and changed to the worse that it should have beene turned from happinesse into misery and should have stood in neede of some assistance by which it must both be delivered and purged and that this Off-spring of thy substance was our soule which being inthralled thy Word that was free and being defiled thy Word that was pure and being may med thy Word that was entire might every way releeve and yet that Word it selfe also bee corruptible because it was the off-spring of one and the same substance 2. Againe should they affirme thee whatsoever thou art that is thy substance to be incorruptible then were all these fancies of theirs most false and execrable But if they should affirme thee to bee corruptible even that were most false and to be abhorred at the first hearing This Argument therefore of Nebridius verily had beene enough against those who deserved wholly to bee spised out of my over-charged stomake for that they had no evasion to betake themselves unto without most horrible blasphemy both of heart and tongue thinking and speaking of thee in this fashion CHAP. 3. Free will is the cause of Sinne. 1. BVt I as yet although I both said and thought most confidently that thou our Lord God who madest not only our soules but our bodies and not onely both soules and bodies but Vs all and all things else beside wert neither to bee corrupted or altered one way or other yet understood I not hitherto What should be the cause of evill And yet what-ever it were I perceived I ought in that sense to inquire after it that I might not be constrained to beleeve that the incommutable GOD could be altered by it left my selfe should bee made the thing that I desired to seeke After this therefore I inquired with more security being very certaine that the Manichees Tenet whom I dissented from with my whole heart was no way true for that I discovered them whilest they enquired after evill to be most full of maliciousnesse they thinking that thy substance did rather suffer ill than their owne commit evill Whereupon I applyed my industrie to understand the truth of what I had heard how that Free-will should be the cause of our ill-doing And thy just Iudgement that we suffered ill But I was not able cleerely to discerne it 2. Endevouring therefore to draw the eye of my soule out of that pit I was againe plunged into it and endevouring often I was plunged as often But this raised me a little up towards thy light that I now knew as well that I had a Will as that I had a life and when therefore I did either will or nill any thing I was most sure of it that I did no other thing but will and nill and there was the Cause of my sinne as I perceived presently But what I did against my will that seemed I to suffer rather than to doe That judged I not to be my fault but my punishment whereby I holding thee most just quickly confessed my selfe not to bee unjustly punished 3. But I objected to my selfe againe Who made me Did not my GOD who is not onely good but Goodnesse it selfe Whence then came it that I can both will and nill evill things that there might be cause found why I should be justly punisht for it Who was it that set this freedome in me that ingrafted into my stemme this Cyon of bitternesse seeing I was wholly made up by my most sweet God If the Divell were the Author whence is that same Divell And if he himselfe by his own perverse will of a good Angell became a Divell whence then proceeded that perverse will in him whereby he was made a Divell seeing that the whole nature of Angels was made good by that most good Creator And by such thoughts as these was I againe cast down and overwhelmed yet not so farre brought downe was I as the Hell of that Errour where no man shall confesse
unto thee namely that thou shouldst be rather thought to suffer ill than man to doe ill CHAP. 4. God cannot be compelled 1. IN this sort did I endevour now to finde out the rest as I had already found that what was incorruptible must needs bee better than that which was corruptible and THEE therefore whatsoever thou wert did I acknowledge to bee incorruptible For never yet soule was nor ever shall bee able to thinke upon any thing which may be better than thou who art the soveraigne and the best Good But whereas most truely and certainely that which is incorruptible is to be preferred before what is corruptible like as I did then preferre it I might very well have reached so high in my thoughts as something that should bee better than my God hadst not thou beene incorruptible Where therefore I saw that incorruptible ought to bee preferred before corruptible there ought I to have sought out thee and there to observe Whence evill should come that is even whence corruption comes by which thy substance can by no meanes be infected 2. For Corruption does no waies infect our God by no will by no necessity by no unlookt for chance because he is God and what he wils is good and he himselfe is that Good but to be corrupted is not good Nor all thou O God against thy will constrained to any thing for that thy will is not greater than thy power But greater should it be were thy selfe greater than thy selfe For the Will and Power of God is God himselfe And what chance can surprize thee unlookt for who knowest all things Nor is there any nature of things but thou knowest it And what should wee use more arguments to prove Why that substance which God is should not be corruptible seeing if it were so it should not be God CHAP. 5. Hee pursues his enquirie after the root of sinne 1. AND I sought Whence Evill should be and I sought ill nor did I see that evill which was in this very enquirie of mine I set now before the eyes of my spirit the whole Creation and whatsoever I could discerne of it as the Sea the Earth the Ayre the Starres the Trees the mortall Creatures yea and what-ever else in it wee doe not see as the Firmament of the heaven all the Angels moreover and all the spirituall inhabitants thereof But yet as if all these had beene bodies did my fancy dispose of them in such and such places and I made one great Masse of all thy Creatures distinguished by their severall kindes of bodies both those that were Bodies indeed or which my selfe had feyned instead of Spirits And this Masse I made hugie enough not yet so great as in it selfe it was which I could not come to the knowledge of but as bigge as I thought convenient yet every way finite But thee O Lord I imagined on every part environing and penâ—trating it though every way infinite As if there were supposed to bee a Sea which every where and on every side by a most unmeasurable infinitenesse should bee onely a Sea and that Sea should containe in it some hugie Sponge but yet finite which Sponge must needs bee every where and on every side filled with that unmeasurable Sea So thought I thy whole Creation to bee in it selfe finite filled by thee who art infinite and I said Behold God and behold what God hath created and God is good yea most mightily and incomparably better than all these which God being himselfe good created all them good and see how he environeth and full-fils them all 2. Where is Evill then and from whence and how crept it in hither What is the roote and what the seed of it Or hath it at all no being Why then doe wee feare and beware of that which hath no being Or if we feare it in vaine then surely is that feare evill which in vaine so gores and torments the soule Yea and so much a greater evill by how much that wants of being any thing which wee stand in feare of and yet doe feare Therefore is there some evill thing which we feare or else the very act of fearing is evill Whence is evill therefore seeing God who is good hath created all these things good that is the greater and chiefest Good hath created these lesser goods yea and he creating they created are all good Whence now is evill Or of what did God make it Was there any matter evill and as God formed and ordered it did he leave any thing in it which hee did not convert 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 But why did he so Was â— not able so to turne and chanâ—e the whole lumpe that no evill should have remained in it seeing he is able to do any thing Lastly why would he make any thing at all of that and did not by the same omnipotency rather cause that there should be no such thing at all Or to say troth was it able to be of it selfe against His will Or if that evill matter had beene so from eternity why suffered hee it so to continue so infinite spaces of times past and was pleased so long while after to make something out of it 3. Or if hee were suddenly pleased now to goe about some worke this rather should the Omnipotent have done have caused namely that this evill matter should not at all have beene and that hee himselfe should have beene alone that soveraigne and infinite Good â—â— Or if it had not beene good 〈…〉 who was good should 〈…〉 and create something also that were not good then that evill matter being first taken away and brought unto nothing should he immediately have taken order for some good matter whereof hee might create all things For he should not bee omnipotent if he were not able to create something that were good of it selfe unlesse hee were assisted by that matter which himselfe had not created These thoughts tossed I up and downe in my miserable heart overcharged with biting Cares through the feare of death and though I had not found out the truth yet did the Faith of thy Christ our Lord and Saviour professed in thy Church firmly continue in my heart though in divers particulars verily not yet throughly perfected and swarving from the right Rule of Doctrine yet did not my minde utterly leave it off but every day tooke in more and more of it CHAP. 6. Divinations made by the Mathematicians are vaine 1. BY this time also had I rejected those deceitfull Divinations and impious dotages of the Astrologers Let thine owne mercies out of the most inward bowels of my soule consesse unto thee for this O my God For thou thou altogether for who else is it that cals us backe from the death of all errours but even that Life which knowes not how to dye and that wisedome which enlightens those mindes that need it it selfe needing no light by which the whole world is governed even to the falling away of
of that wisedome which remaines in them they are renewed that they may be made wise is there But that he in due time dyed for the wicked and that thou sparedst not thine onely Sonne but deliveredst him for us all is not there For thou hast hid these things from the wise and hast revealed them unto babes that they that labour and are heavy loaden might come unto thee and thou mightest refresh them Because he is meeke and lowly iâ—heart and the meeke he directeth in Iudgement and such as be mild he teacheth his waies beholding our humility and labour and forgiving us all our sinnes But such as are puft up with the high straine of a sublimer learning heare not him saying unto them Learne of mee for I am meeke and lowly inheart and you shall finde rest to your soules And If they know God yet they glorifie him not as God nor give thankes unto â—â—â— but waxe vaine in their imaginations and their foolish heart is darkned and professing that they were wise they became fooles 4. And there also did I read that they had changed the glory of thy incorruptible nature into Idols and divers shapes into the likenesse of the image of corruptible man and birds and beasts and Serpents yea verily into that Egyptian foode for which Esau lost his birth-right for that that people which was thy first-borne worshipped the head of a foure-footed Beast instead of thee turning in their heart backe towards Egypt and bowing thy Image their owne soule before the image of a Calfe that eateth hay These things found I there but I fed not on them For it pleased thee O Lord to take away the reproach of diminution from Iacob that the elder brother should serve the yonger and thou hast called the Gentiles into thine inheritance 5. And I my selfe came unto thee from among the Gentiles and I set my mind earnestly upon that gold which thou willedst thy people to take from the Egyptians seeing thine it was wheresoever it were And to the Athenians thou saidst by thy Apostle That in thee we live move and have our being as one of their own Poets had said And verily these Bookes came from thence But I set not my minde towards the Idols of Egypt which they made of thy gold even they who changed the truth of God into a lye and worshipped and served the creature more than the Creator CHAP. 10. Divine things are more cleerely discovered unto him 1. ANd being upon this admonished to returne to my selfe I entred even into mine owne inwards thou being my Leader and able I was to do it for thou wert now become my helper Into my selfe I went and with the eye of my soule such as it was I discovered over the same eye of my soule over my minde the unchangeable light of the Lord. Not this vulgar light which all flesh may looke upon nor yet another greater of the same kinde as if this should much and much more cleerely and with its greatnesse take up all the roome This light was none of that but another yea cleane another from all these Nor was it in that manner above my soule as Oyle is upon water nor yet as the heaven is above the earth but superiour to my soule because it made me and I was inferiour to it because I was made by it He that knowes what Truth is knowes what that light is and he that knowes it knowes eternity Charity knowes it 2. O eternall Truth and true Charity and deare eternity Thou art my God to thee doe I sigh night and day Thee when I first saw thou liftedst ine up that I might see there was something which I might see and that yet it was not I that did see And thou diddest beat backe the infirmity of my owne sight darting thy beames of light upon me most strongly and I trembled both with love and horrour and I perceived my selfe to be far off from thee in the Region of utter Vnlikenesse as if I heard this voice of thine from on high I am the food of strong men grow apace and thou shalt feed upon me nor shalt thou convert me like common food into thy substance but thou shalt be changed into mee And I learned thereupon That thou with rebukes hast corrected me for iniquity thou madest my soule to consume away like a moath And I said Is Truth therefore nothing at all seeing it is neither diffused by infinite spaces of places nor by finite But thou cryedst to mee from afarre off Yea verily I AM that I AM. This voice I heard as things are heard in the heart nor was there any suspicion at all why I should doubt of it yea I should sooner doubt that I did not live than that it was not the Truth which is cleerely to be seene by those things which are made CHAP. 11. How the Creatures are and yet are not 1. ANd I cast mine eyes upon those other creatures beneath thee and I perceived that they neither have any absolute being nor yet could they be said to have no being A being they have because they had it from thee and yet no being because what thou art they are not For that truely hath a being which remaines unchangeably It is good then for mee to hold fast unto God for if I remaine not in him I shall never bee able to doe it in my selfe whereas he remaining in himselfe reneweth all things And thou art my Lord neither doest thou stand in need of my goodnesse CHAP. 12. All that is is good 1. ANd manifested unto me it was that even those things bee good which yet are corruptible which were they soveraignely good could never be corrupted because if soveraignely good they were they must needes bee incorruptible and if they held no goodnesse in them at all neither should they have any thing in them to bee corrupted For corruption hurts every thing but unlesse it could diminish their goodnes it could not hurt Either therefore corruption does at all no hurt which cannot be or which is most certaine all which is corrupted is deptived of its goodnesse If things then shall bee deprived of all their goodnesse they shall have at all no being For if they shall still bee and shall not bee at all corrupted they shall thereby become better because they remaine ever incorruptibly 2. What more absurd now than to affirme those things that have lost all their goodnesse to be made the better by it Therfore whenever they shall be deprived of all their goodnesse they shall also lose all their being So long therefore as they are they are good therefore whatsoever are are good That Evill then which I sought whence it should be is not any substance for were it a substance it should be good For either it should be an incorruptible substance that is to say of the chiefe sorts of good or else should it
forth those devout hands of hers so full of the multitudes of good examples both to receive and to embrace me There were in company with her very many both Yongmen and Maidens a multitude of youth of all ages both grave widdowes and ancient Virgins and Continence her selfe in the middest of them all not barren altogether but a happy Mother of Children of Ioyes by thee her husband O Lord. And shee was pleasant with me with a kinde of exhorting quip as if she should have said Canst not thou performe what these of both sexes have performed or can any of these performe thus much of themselves or rather by the Lord their GOD The Lord their God gave me unto them Why standest thou upon thine owne strength and standest not at all Cast thy selfe upon Him feare not Hee will not slippe away and make thee fall Cast thyselfe securely upon Him He will receive thee and Hee will heale thee I blusht all this while to my selfe very much for that I yet heard the muttering of those toyes and that I yet hung in suspence Whereunto Continence againe replyed Stop thine eares against those uncleane members of thine which are upon the earth that they may bee mortified They tell thee of delights indeed but not such as the law of the Lord thy God tels thee of This was the controversie I felt in my heart about nothing but my selfe against my selfe But Alipius sitting by my side in silence expected the issue of my unaccustomed sullevation CHAP. 12. How hee was converted by a Voyce 1. SO soone therefore as a deepe consideration even from the secret bottome of my soule had drawne together and laid all my misery upon one heape before the eyes of my heart there rose up a mighty storme bringing as mighty a showre of teares with it which that I might powre forth with such expressions as suted best with them I rose from Alipius for I conceived that solitarinesse was more fit for a businesse of weeping So farre off then I went as that his presence might not be troublesome unto mee Thus disposed was I at that time and he thought I know not what of it something I beleeve I had said before which discovered the sound of my voyce to be bigge with weeping and in that case I rose from him He thereupon staid alone where wee sate together most extremely astonished I slung downe my selfe I know not how under a certaine Fig-tree giving all liberty to my teares whereupon the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable acceptable sacrifice to thee O Lord. And though not perchance in these very words yet much to this purpose said I unto thee And thou O LORD how long how long Lord wilt thou bee angry for ever Remember not our former iniquities for I found my selfe to be still enthralled by them Yea I sent up these miserable exclamations How long how long still to morrow and to morrow Why not now wherefore even this very houre is there not an end put to my uncleannesse 2. Thus much I uttered weeping among in the most bitter contrition of my heart when as behold I heard a voyce from some neighbour house as it had beene of a Boy or Girle I know not whether in a singing tune saying and often repeating TAKE VP AND READE TAKE VP AND READE Instantly changing my countenance thereupon I beganne very heedfully to bethinke my selfe whether children were wont in any kinde of playing to sing any such words nor could I remember my selfe ever to have heard the like Whereupon refraining the violent torrent of my teares up I gat mee interpreting it no other way but that I was from God himselfe commanded To open the booke and to read that Chapter which I should first light upon For I had heard of Anthony that by hearing of the Gospell which he once came to the reading of he tooke himselfe to be admonished as if what was read had purposely beene spoken unto him Goe and sell that thou hast and give to the poore and thou shalt have treasure in heaven and come and follow mee And by such a miracle was hee presently converted unto thee 3. Hastily therefore went I againe to that place where Alipius was sitting for there had I laid the Apostles Booke when as I rose from thence I snatcht it up I opened it and in silence I read that Chapter which I first cast mine eyes upon Not in rioting and drunkennesse not in chambering and wantonnesse not in strife and envying But put ye on the Lord Iesus Christ and make not provision for the flesh to fulfill the lusts thereof No further would I reade nor needed I For instantly even with the end of this sentence by a light as it were of security now datted into my heart all the darkenesse of doubting vanished away Shutting up the booke thereupon and putting my finger betweene or I know not what other marke with a well quieted countenance I discovered all this unto Alipius 4. And he againe in this manner revealed unto me what also was wrought in his heart which I verily knew nothing of Hee requested to see what I had read I shewed him the place and he lookt further than I had read nor knew I what followed This followed Him that is weake in the Faith receive which hee applyed to himselfe and shewed it me And by this admonition was he strengthened and unto that good resolution and purpose which was most agreeable to his disposition wherein he did alwaies very far differ from mee to the better without all turbulent delaying did he now apply himselfe From thence went we into the house unto my mother we discover our selves she rejoyces for it we declare in order how every thing was done she leapes for joy and triumpheth and blesseth thee who art able to doe above that which wee aske or thinke For that she perceived thee to have given her more concerning me than she was wont to beg by her pittifull and most dolefull groanings For so throughly thou convertedst me unto thy selfe as that I sought now no more after a Wife nor any other hopes in this world thus being setled in the same rule and line of Faith in which thou hadst shewed me unto her in a vision so many yeeres before Thus didst thou convert her mourning into rejoycing and that much more plentifully than she had desired and that much more dearely and a chaster way than she erst required namely if shee had received Grandchildren of my body SAINT AVGVSTINES Confessions THE NINTH BOOKE CHAP. 1. Hee praiseth Gods goodnesse and acknowledgeth his owne wretchednesse O Lord truely I am thy servant I am thy servant and the son of thy handmaid thou hast broken my bonds in sunder I will offer to thee the sacrifice of praise Let my heart praise thee and my tongue yea let all my bones say O Lord who is like unto thee Let them say and
answer thou me And say unto my soule I am thy salvation Who am I and what manner of man What evill have not I been either my deeds evill or if not them yet have my words been evill or if not them yet was my Will evill But thou O LORD art good and mercifull and thy right hand had respect unto the profoundnesse of my death and drew forth of the bottome of my heart that bottomelesse gulfe of corruption which was to nill all that thou willedst and to will all that thou nilledst 2. But where was that right hand so long a time and out of what bottome and deepe secret corner was my Free-will called forth in a moment whereby I submitted my necke to thy easie yoke and my shoulders unto thy light burthen O Iesus Christ my helper and my Redeemer How pleasant was it all on the sudden made unto me to want the sweets of those Toyes Yea what I before feared to lose was now a joy unto me to forgoe For thou didst cast them away from me even thou that true chiefest sweetnesse Thou threwest them out and instead of them camest in thy selfe sweeter than all pleasure though not to flesh and blood brighter than all light yea more privy than all secrets higher than all honour though not to the high in their owne conceipts Now became my soule free from those biting cares of aspiring and getting and weltring in filth and scratching off that itch of lust And I talked more familiarly now with thee my honour and my riches and my health my Lord God CHAP. 2. Hee gives over his teaching of Rhetoricke 1. ANd I resolved in thy sight though not tumultuously to snatch away yet fairely to with-draw the service of my tongue from those marts of lip-labour that young students no students in thy Law nor in thy peace but in lying dotages and law-skirmishes should no longer buy at my mouth the engines for their own madnesse And very seasonably fell it out that it was but a few daies unto the Vacation of the Vintage till when I resolved to endure them that I might then take my leave the more solemnely when being bought off by thee I purposed to returne no more to be their mercenary Our purpose therefore was knowne onely unto thee but to men other than our owne friends was it not known For we had agreed among our selves not to disclose it abroad to any body although us now ascending from the valley of teares and singing that song of degrees hadst thou armed with sharp arrows hot burning coles to destroy such subtle tongues as would crosse us in our purpose by seeming to advise us and make an end of us pretending to love us as men doe with their meat Thou hadst shot thorough our hearts with thy charity and wee carried thy words as it were sticking in our bowels and the examples of thy servants whom of blacke thou hadst made bright and of dead alive Which charity and examples being piled together in the bosome of our thoughts did burne and utterly consume that lumpish slothfulnesse of ours that wee might no more be plung'd into the deepes by it Yea they set us on fire so vehemently as that all the blasts of the subtle tongues of gain-saying might inflame us the more fiercely but never extinguish us 2. Neverthelesse because of thy Name which thou hast sanctified throughout the earth and that our desire and purpose might likewise finde commenders it would I feared looke something too like oftentation for me not to expect the time of vacation now so neere but before-hand to give over my publike Profession which every man had an eye upon and that the mouths of all the beholders being turned upon my fact whereby I should desire to goe off before the time of Vintage so neere approaching would give it out that I did it purposely affecting to appeare some great man And to what end would it have served me to have people censure and dispute upon my purpose and to have our good to be evill spoken of Furthermore for that in the Summer time my lungs began to decay with my over-much paines-taking in my Schoole and to breath with difficulty and by the paine in my breast to signifie themselves to be spending and to refuse too lowd or too long speaking I had been much troubled heretofore at the matter for that namely I was constrained even upon necessity to lay downe that burthen of Teaching of if in case I could possibly be cured and grow sound againe at least for a while to forbeare it But so soone as this full resolution to give my selfe leasure and to see how that thou art the Lord first arose and was afterwards setled in me God thou knowest how I began to rejoyce that I had this and that no unfained excuse which might something take off the offence taken by such parties who for their childrens good would by their good wills that I should never have given over schooling 3. Full therefore of such like joy I held out till that Interim of time were runne I know not well whether there might bee some twenty dayes of it yet I couragiously under-went them But for that covetousnesse which was wont to beare part of the weight of my businesse had now quite left mee I should have utterly been oppressed had not patience stept up in its roome Some of thy servants my brethren may say perchance that I sinned in this for that being with full consent of heart enrold thy souldier I suffered my selfe to sit one houre in the chaire of lying And for my part I cannot defend my selfe But hast not thou O most mercifull Lord both pardoned and remitted this amongst other most horrible and deadly sinnes in the holy water of Baptisme CHAP. 3. Verecundus lends them his Countrey-house 1. VErecundus became leane againe with vexing at himselfe upon this good hap of ours for that being detained by some engagements by which he was most strongly obliged hee saw himselfe likely to lose our company as being not yet a Christian though his wife were indeed baptized And by her as being a clogge that hung closer to him than all the rest was hee chiefly kept from that journey which wee now intended And a Christian he would not as hee said be any other wayes made than by that way which he as yet could not However most courteously in truth did he proffer us that we might freely make use of his Countrey house so long as we meant to stay there Thou O Lord shalt reward him for it in the resurrection of the Iust seeing thou hast already rendered to him the lot of mortality For although it was in our absence as being then at Rome that he was taken with a bodily sicknesse yet departed he this life being both made a Christian and baptized also Thus hadst thou mercy not upon him onely but upon us also lest
obseruance perseuered so long in patience and meekenes that shee of her owne accord discouered vnto her sonne the tales that the maid-seruants had carried be tweene them whereby the peace of the house had been disturbed betwixt her and her daughter-in-law requiring him to giue them correction for it When he therefore both out of obedience to his mother and out of a Core to the well-ordering of his family and to prouide withall for the concord of his people had with stripes corrected the seruants thus bewrayed according to the pleasure of her that had reueal'd it her selfe also added this promise that cuery one should looke for the like reward at her hands whosoeuer to picke a thank by it should speake any ill of her daughter-in-law which none being so hardy afterwards as to doe they liued euer after with a most memorable sweetnesse of mutuall courtesies This great gift thou bestowedst also O God my mercie vpon that good hand maid of thine out of whose wombe thou broughtest mee namely that she euer did where shee wasable carry herselfe so peace fully betweene any parties that were at difference and discorded as that after shee had on both sides heard many a bitter word such as swelling and indigested choler vses to breake forth into whenas vnto a present friend the ill-brookt heart-burning at an enemy is with many a byting tittle-tattle breathed vp againe shee neuer for all that would discouer more of the one party vnto the other then what might further their reconcilement 4. This vertue might seeme a small one vnto mee if to my griefe I had not had experience of innumerable companies I know not by what horrible infection or sinne spreading farre and neere who vsed not onely to discouer the speeches of enemies angred on both sides to one another but to adde withall some things that were neuer spoken whereas on the contrary it ought to bee esteemed a meane vertue in a man to forbeare meerely to procure or increase ill will amongst people by ill speaking vnlesse hee studie withall how to quench it by making the best of euery thing And such a one was shee thy selfe being her most intimate Master teaching her in the schoole of her brest Finally her owne husband now towards the latter end of his life did shee gaine vnto Thee hauing now no more cause to complayne of those things in him when hee was once baptized which she had formerly borne withall before hee was conuerted 5. Yea shee was also the seruant of thy seruants and whosoeuer of them knew her did both commend much in her and honored and loued Thee for that they might well perceiue thy selfe to bee within the heart of her holy conuersation the fruites of it being witnesses For shee had beene The wife of one man shee had repayed the duty shee ought vnto her parents shee had gouerned her house very religiously for good workes she had a good report shee had brought vp her childen so often trauailing in birth of them againe as shee saw them swaruing from thee Lastly of all of vs thy seruants O Lord whom for this fauour receiued thou sufferest thus to speake vs who before her sleeping in thee liued in society together hauing first receiued the grace of thy baptisme did shee so take the care of as if she had beene the mother to vs all being withall so seruiceable as if she had beene the daughter to vs all CHAP. 10. Of a confernce had with his mother about the Kingdome of Heauen 1. THe day now approaching that shee was to depart this life which day thou well knewest though we were not aware of it fell out thy selfe as I beleeue by thine owne secret wayes so casting it that shee and I should stand all alone together leaning in a certaine window which lookt into the garden of the house where wee now lay at Ostia where being sequestred from company after the weary somenesse of a long iourney wee were prouiding our selues for a sea-voyage into our owne country There conferred wee hand to hand very sweetely and forgetting those things which are behinds wee reached forth vnto those things which are before wee did betwixt our selues seeke at that Present Truth which thou art in what manner the eternall life of the Saints was to bee which eye hath not seene nor eare heard nor hath it entred into the heart of man But yet wee gaped with the mouth of our heart after those vpper streames of that Fountaine which is before thee that being besprinckled with it according to our capacity wee might in some sort meditate vpon so high a mystery 2. And when our discourse was once come vnto that poynt that the highest pleasure of the carnall sences and that in the brightest beame of corporall lightsomenesse was in respect of the sweetenesse of that life not onely not worthy of comparison but not so much as of mention wee chering vp our selues with a more burning affection towards that did by degrees course ouer all these corporeals that is to say the heauen it selfe from whence both Sunne and Moone and starres doe shine vpon this earth yea wee soared higher yet by inward musing and discourse vpon Thee and by admyring of thy workes And last of all wee came to our owne soules which wee presently went beyond that wee might aduance as high as that Region of neuer-wasting plenty where Thou feedest Israel for euer with the foode of Trueth and where life is that Wisedome by which all these things are made and which haue beene and which are to come And this Wisedome is not made but it is at this present as it hath euer beene and so shall it euer bee seeing that the Termes to haue beene and to be hereafter are not at all in it but to Be now for that it is eternall For to haue beene and to be is not eternall And while we were thus discoursing and streyning our selues after it we arriued to a little touch of it with the whole stroake of our heart and we sighed and euen there wee left behinde vs the first fruits of our spirits enchayned vnto it returning from these thoughts to vocall expressions of our mouth where words are both begun and finished And what can bee like vnto thy Word our Lord who remaines in himselfe for euer without becomming aged and yet renewing all things 3. Wee said therefore If to any man the tumults of the flesh bee silenced let these fancies of the earth and waters and ayre be silenced also yea let the Poles of heauen be silent also let his owne soule likewise keepe silence yea let it surmount it selfe not so much as thinking vpon it selfe Let all dreames and imaginary reuelations be silenced euery tongue and euery signe and whatsoeuer is made by passing from one degree vnto another if vnto any man it can bee altogether silent and that because if any man can hearken vnto them all these will say vnto him We
kindly to mee call'd mee a dutyfull Child remembring with great affection of loue how that shee neuer heard any harsh word or reproachfull tearme to come out of my mouth against her But for all this O my God that madest vs both what comparison is there betwixt that honour that I performe to her and that carefull painefulnesse of hers to mee Because therefore I was left thus destitute of so great a comfort was my very soule wounded yea and my life torne in pieces as it were which had beene made one out of hers and mine together 3 That boy now being stilled from weeping Euodius tooke vp the Psalter and began to sing the whole house answering him the 101 Psalme I will sing of mercy and iudgement vnto thee O Lord. But when it was once heard what we were a doing there came together very many Brethren and religious women and whilest they whose office it was were as the manner is taking order for the buriall my selfe in a part of the house where most conueniently I could together with those who thought it not fit to leaue mee discoursed vpon something which I thought fittest for the time by applying of which playster of truth did I asswage that inward torment knowne onely vnto thy selfe though not by them perceiued who very attentiuely listning vnto me conceiued me to be without all sense of sorrow But in thy eares where none of them ouer heard me did I blame the weakenesse of my passion and refraine my flood of grieuing which giuing way a little vnto mee did for all that breake forth with his wonted violence vpon me though not so far as to burst out into teares nor to any great change of countenance yet know I well enough what I kept downe in my heart And for that it very much offended me that these human respects had such power ouer mee which must in their due order and out of the Fatality of our naturall condition of necessity come to passe I condoled mine owne sorrow with a new grieuing being by this meanes afflicted with a double sorrow 4. And behold when as the Corps was carried to the Burial we both went returned without teares For neither in those Prayers which we powred forth vnto Thee whenas the Sacrifice of our Redemption was offered vp vnto thee for her the Corps standing by the Graues side before it was put into the ground as the manner there is did I so much as shed a teare all the Prayer time yet was I most grieuously sad in secrete and with a troubled minde did I begge of thee so well as I could that thou wouldst mitigate my sorrow which for all that thou diddest not recommending I beleeue vnto my memory by this one experiment That the too strict bond of all humane conuersation is much preiudiciall vnto that soule which now feeds vpon thy not deceiuing Word It would I thought doe me some good to goe and bathe my selfe and that because I had heard the Bath to take his name from the Greekes calling of it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 for that it driues sadnesse out of the minde And this I also confesse vnto thy mercy O father of the fatherlesse because that after I had bathed I was the same man I was before and that the bitternesse of my sorrow could not bee swette out of my heart 5. I fell to sleepe vpon it and vpon my waking I found my griefe to bee not a little abated Wherevpon lying in my bed alone there came to my mind those true verses of thy Ambrose For thou art the God that all things doest create Who know'st the Heauens to moderate And cloath'st the day with beautious light With benefit of sleepe the night Which may our weakned sinewes make Able new paynes to vndertake And all our tyred minds well ease And our distempered griefes appease And then againe by little and little as feelingly as before calling to mind thy handmayd her deuout and holy conuersation towards Thee her pleasing and most obseruant behauiour towards Vs of which too suddenly I was now depriued it gaue mee some content to weepein thy sight both concerning her and for her concerning my selfe and for my selfe And I gaue way to these teares which I before restreined to ouer flow as much as they desired laying them for a pillow vnder my heart and resting my selfe vpon them for there were thy eares and not the eares of man who would haue scornefully interpreted this my weeping 6. But now in writing I confesse it vnto thee O Lord read it who will and interpret it how he will and if hee finds me to haue offended in bewailing my mother so small a portion of an houre that mother I say now dead and departed from mine eyes who had so many yeeres wept for me that I might liue in thine eyes let him not deride me but if he be a man of any great charity let him rather weepe for my sinnes vnto Thee the Father of all the brethren of thy Christ CHAP. 13. Hee prayeth for his dead mother 1. BVt my heart now cured of that wound for which it might bee blamed for a carnall kinde of affection I powre out vnto Thee O our God in behalfe of that handmayd of thine a farre different kind of teares such as flowed from a broken spirit out of a serious consideration of the danger of euery soule that dyeth in Adam And notwithstanding she for her part being quickened in Christ euen before her dissolution from the flesh had so liued that there is cause to prayse Thy name both for her sayth and conuersation yet dare I not say for all this that from the time of thy regenerating her by baptisme there issued not from her mouth any one word or other against thy commandement Thy Sonne who is Truth hath pronounc'd it Whosoeuer shall say vnto his brother Thou foole shall bee in danger of Hell fire In so much as woe bee vnto the most commendable life of men if laying aside thy mercy thou shouldest rigorously examine it But because thou too narrowly inquiredst not after sinnes wee assuredly hope to finde some place of pardon with thee But whosoeuer stands to reckon vp his owne Merits vnto Thee what reckons hee vp vnto thee but thine owne gifts Oh that men would know thēselues to be but men that he that glorieth would glory in the Lord. 2. I therefore O my praise and my life thou God of my heart laying aside for a while her good deedes for which with reioycing I giue thanks vnto thee doe now beseech thee for the sinnes of my mother Hearken vnto mee by him I intreate thee that is the true medicine of our wounds who hung vpon the tree and now sitting at thy right hand maketh intercession for vs. I know that shee hath doalt mercifully and to haue from her very heart forgiuen those that trespassed against her doe thou also
of the voyce as that it was neerer to pronouncing then to singing 3. Notwithstanding so often as I call to mind the teares I shed at the hearing of thy Church-songs in the beginning of my recouered fayth yea and at this very time whenas I am moued not with the singing but with the thing sung when namely they are set off with a cleare voyce and skilfully gouerned I then acknowledge the great good vse of this institution Thus floate I betweene perill of pleasure and an approoued profitable custome enclined the more though herein I pronounce no irreuocable opinion to allow of the old vsage of singing in the Church that so by the delight taken in at the eares the weaker mindes may be rowzed vp into some feeling of deuotion And yet againe so oft as it befalls me to be more mou'd with the voyce then with the ditty I confesse my selfe to haue grieuously offended at which time I wish rather not to haue heard the musicke See now in what a perplexity I am weepe with me and weepe for mee O all you who inwardly feele any thoughts whence good actions doe proceede As for you that feele none such these things moue not you But thou O Lord my God looke vpon mee hearken and behold and pitty and heale me thou in whose eyes I am now become a torture to my selfe and that 's the perplexity I languish vpon CHAP. 34. The euticements comming in by the eyes 1. THere remaines the pleasures of these eyes of my flesh concerning which I am now to make this Confession vnto thee which let the cares of thy temple those brotherly and deuour eares well hearken vnto that with it wee may conclude our discourse concerning the temptations of the lusts of the flesh which as yet sollicite mee groaning earnestly and desiring to be cloathed vpon with my house from heauen Mine eyes take delight in fayre formes and varieties of them in beautifull and pleasant colours Suffer not these to hold possession in my soule let my God rather be Lord of it who made all these very good they bee indeede yet is Hee my good and not they Verily these entice mee broade waking euery day nor finde I any rest from these sights as I haue had often when silence was kept after sweete voyces For this Queene of Colours the light shedding it selfe into all whateuer wee behold so oft as I enioy the day light glyding by myne eye in its varyed formes doth most sweetely inueigle mee wholy busiec about another matter and taking no notice of it For it so forcibly insinuates it selfe that if at any time it suddenly bee withdrawne it is with much longing lookt after againe and if missing too long it besaddeth the minde O thou light which Tobias beheld when with his eyes cloazd vp hee directed his sonne the way to life himselfe going before with the feete of charity neuer misleading him Or that light which Isaac beheld when as his fleshly eyes being dimme so that hee could not see hee blessed his sonnes not able to discerne which was which though in blessing of them he deserued to haue discern'd them Or that light which Iacob beheld when taken blinde in his old age he with an illuminated heart in the persons of his owne sonnes gaue light vnto the fortunes of the seuerall families of people foresignified to be deryued from them and as when hee layd his hands vpon his grandchildren by Ioseph mystically layd a-crosse not as their father by his outward eye corrected them but as himselfe by a beame of light from within wittingly discerned them This is the light indeed yea the onely light nor is there any other aye and all those are one who see and loue that light As for this corporeall light which I now spake of it be-sawces this present life for her blinde louers with a tempting and a dangerous sweetnesse whereas those that know how to prayse thee for that light doe spend it O God all-Creator in singing thy hymnes and are not taken vp from it in their sleepe Thus desire I to be employed 3 These seducements of the eyes do I manfully resist lest my feete wherewith I am to enter vpon my way should be ensnared yea and I lift vp mine inuisible eyes vnto thee that thou wouldst be pleased to plucke my feete out of that snare yea thou doest euer and anon plucke them out for they are ensnared Thou ceasest not to plucke them out though I entangle my selfe at euery snare that is layd because thou that keepest Israel shalt neyther slumber nor sleepe Oh how innumerable toyes made by diuers Arts and manufactures both in our apparell shooes vessels and such like workes in pictures also and diuers feigned images yea and these farre exceeding all necessary and moderate vse and all pious significations haue men added to tempt their owne eyes withall outwardly following after what themselues make inwardly forsaking him by wom themselues were made yea defacing that Image in which themselues were once made 4. For mine owne part O my God and my beauty I euen therefore dedicate an hymne vnto thee and doe sacrifice prayse vnto my Sanctifier because of those beautifull patternes which through mens soules are conueighed into their cunning hands which all descend from that beauty which is aboue our soules which my soule day and night sighed after But as for these framers followers of those outward beauties they from thence deriue the manner of liking them but fetch not from thence the measure of vsing them And yet there it is though they perceiue it not that they might not goe too farre to seeke it but might preserue their strength onely for thee and not weare it out vpon tyring delicates But for my owne part who both discourse vpon and well discerne these things I verily bend my steps towards these outward Beauties but thou pluckest mee backe O Lord thou pluckest me backe because thy mercy is before mine eyes For I am miserably taken and thou as mercifully pluckest mee backe and that sometimes when I perceiued thee not because I haâ—â— too earnestly settled my thoughts vpon them and otherwhiles grieued to part with them because my affections had already cleaued to them CHAP. 35. Of our Curiosity in knowing 1. VPon this another forme of temptation assayles mee and that many wayes more dangerous For besides that concupiscence of the flesh which lurketh in the delight of all our Sences and pleasures which those that are slanes vnto bee mad in loue with those namely that withdraw themselues farre from thee there is conueighed into the soule by the same Sences of the body a certaine vayne and curious itch not of delight-taking in the flesh but of making experiments by helpe of the flesh which is masked vnder the title of Knowledge and Learning Which because it is seated in the naturall Appetite of Knowing and that for the attaining of knowledge the eyes bee
therefore to bee deluded For they being high-minded haue sought thee in the pride of their learning strutting out rather then knocking vp on their brests and so by the agreement of their heart haue they drawne vnto themselues the Princes of the Ayre their fellow conspirators in pride by whom through the force of Magick they were decerued euen while they sought for a Mediator by whom they might bee purged but there was none to be found For the diuel it was transfiguring now himselfe into an Angel of light 2. Many wayes therefore was hee able to entice proud flesh for that him selfe was not of any fleshly body For fleshly men were mortall and sinnefulli but thou Lord to whom they this proud way sought to be reconciled art immortall and without sinne A mediator now betweene God and man must haue something like vnto God and something like vnto men lest that being like vnto man in both natures he should be too farre vnlike God or if like vnto God in both natures hee should be too farre vnlike vnto men and so be a Mediator neyther way That deceitfull Mediator therfore by whom in thy secret iudgement mans pride deserued to be deluded hath one thing indeed common with himselfe to men and that 's Sinne and desires to seem to communicate in another thing with God that because hee is not cloathed with any mortality of flesh he might thereby vaunt himselfe to bee immortall But for that the wages of sin is death this hath he common to himselfe with men for which he might together with them â—â— condemned vnto death CHAP. 43. Christ onely in the all-sufficient Intercessor 1. BVt the true Mediator whom out of thy secret mercy thou hast shewed forth vnto the humble and whom thou sentest that by his example they might learne the true humility that Mediator therefore betweene God and man the man Christ Iesus appeared betwixt mortall sinners and the immortall Iust One being mortall as men and iust like God that because the reward of righteousnesse is life and peace hee might by his righteousnesse which was ioyned to God make voyd the death of as many of the wicked as were by him iustified which death his will was to haue common both to them and him Hee was shewed forth vnto Holy men of old to the intent that they might be saued through sayth in his passion to come like as wee are through sayth of it already passed For how farre-forth he was a man so far-forth was hee a Mediator but so farre-forth as he is the Word hee is not meerely midway to God because he is equall vnto God and God with God together with the Holy Ghost one God 2. How hast thou loued vs O good Father that hast not spared thine onely Sonne but hast deliuered him vnto death for vs wicked men how hast thou loued vs for whom Hee that thought it no robbery to bee equall with God was made subiect vnto death euen the death of the crosse hee that was onely free among the dead that had power to lay downe his life and power to take it againe for vs was hee vnto thee both the Conquerour and the Sacrifice yea and therefore the Conquerour because the Sacrifice for vs was hee vnto thee both Priest and Sacrifice and therefore the Priest because the Sacrifice of slaues making vs thy children by being borne of thee and by becomming a seruant vnto vs. Deseruedly therefore is my hope strongly setled vpon him that thou wilt by him cure all my infirmities euen by him that sits at thy right hand and maketh intercession for vs whereas otherwise I should despaire vtterly For many and great are those infirmities of mine yea many they are and great but thy medicine is more soueraigne 3. Imagine we might that thy Word was farre enough from being vnited with man and so despayre of our selues vnlesse It had beene made flesh and dwelt amongst vs. Affrighted thus with mine owne sinnes the burthen of mine owne misery I cast these thoughts in my heart bethinking my selfe of fleeing into the Wildernesse but thou for baddest me and strengthenedst mee saying Therefore Christ dyed for all that they which liue may now no longer liue vnto themselues but vnto him that dyed for them See Lord I hence forth cast all my care vpon thee that I may liue and consider the wonderfull things of thy law Thou knowest both my vnskilfulnesse and my infirmities Oh teach me and heale mee That onely Sonne of thine in whom are hid all the treasures of wisdome and knowledge hath redeemed mee with his blood Let not the proud speake euill of mee now for that I meditate vpon the price of my redemption and do eate drink and giue vnto the poore and being poore my selfe desire to be filled by him amongst those that eate and are satisfied and they shall praise the Lord who seeke him The end of the tenth Booke Saint Augustines Confessions The eleuenth Booke CHAP. 1. Why we confesse vnto God who knowes all CAnst thou that art the Lord of all eternity be ignorant of what I say vnto thee or doest thou see but for a time that which passeth in time To what end then doe I lay in order before thee so many â—arrations not to this end doe I it that thou mightest come to know them vpon my relation but there by to stirre vp mine owne and my Readers deuotions towards thee that wee may say all together Great is the Lord and greatly to be praised Now haue I sayd and againe say it I will For the loue of thy loue make I this Confession For we vse to pray also and yet Truth it selfe hath sayd Your Father knoweth what you haue neede of before you aske T is our affection therefore which wee hereby lay open vnto thee while wee confesse our owne miseries and thy mercies vpon vs that thou mightest thorowly set vs free seeing already thou hast begun to make vs leaue to bee wretched in our selues and to be happy in thee seeing thou hast called vs that wee may become poore in spirit and meeke and mournfull and bungry and thirsty after righteousnesse and mercifull and pure in heart and peace-makers See I haue told thee many things such as I could and such I was desirous to doe because thou desirest first that I should confesse vnto my Lord God For thou art good and that thy mercy endureth for euer CHAP. 2. He sueth to be deliuered from his sinnes and errors and to bee guided vnto the true knowledge 1. BVt when shall I bee able with the pen of my tongue to set forth all thy Exhortations and all thy terrors and comforts and directions by which thou hast brought mee vp to bee a Preacher of thy Werd and a Dispencer of thy Sacrament vnto thy people If I now bee able to declare these things to thee in order the very
drops of time are precious with mee and I haue long since had a burning desire to meditate in thy law and by it to confesse both my skill and vnskilfulnesse vnto thee the morning light of thy enlightning mee and the relikes of darknesse in mee so long remayning swallowed vp by till infirmitie bee strength Nor will I suffer my houres to bee squandered away vpon any other thing which I finde free from the necessities of refreshing of my body and the recreating of my minde and the complying in those offices of seruice which wee owe vnto men yea also which wee owe not and yet pay them 2. Giue eare vnto my prayer O Lord my God and let thy mercy hearken vnto my petition because it stryueth not to entreate for my selfe alone but to be beneficiall also to my brethren Thou seest my heart that so it is and that I am ready to sacrifice vnto thee the best seruice of my thoughts and tongue now giue mee what I am to offer vnto thee For I am poore and needy but thou art rich to all those that call vpon thee who not distracted with cares thy selfe takest the care of all vs. From all rashnesse and lying doe thou circumcise both my inward and my outward lippes Let my chaste delights bee thy Scriptures let me neyther be deceiued in them nor deceiued by them Hearken Lord and haue mercy vpon me O Lord my God O thou light of the blind and the strength of the weake yea also the light of those that see and the strength of the strong hearken thou vnto my soule and heare mee crying vnto thee out of the Deepe For if thine eares bee not with vs also in the Deepe whither then shall wee goe to whom shall wee cry The day is thine and the night is thine at thy backe the time passes away 3. Affoord out of it some spure time for my meditations vpon the hidden things of thy Law which I beseech thee shut not vp when they knocke for entrance at it For in vayne it was not that thou wouldest haue so many leaues full of darkesome secrets committed vnto wryting nor are those Fortests without their Harts which retire themselues into them making their range and walkes in them feeding lodging and chewing the Cud in them Perfect me O Lord and reueale them vnto me Behold thy voyce is my ioy yea thy voyce exceedeth the abundance of all pleasures Giue mee what I loue for verily I doe loue it and this loue is of thy giuing Forsake not therfore thine owne gifts nor despise thou him that thirsteth after thy herbage Let me confesse vnto thee whatsoeuer I shall finde in thy bookes and let mee heare the voyce of prayse and let me drinke thee vp and let me consider of the wonderfull things of thy law euen frō the very Beginning wherein Thou madest the heauen and the earth vnto that euerlasting kingdome of thy holy City which is before thee Haue mercy Lord vpon mee and heare my petition for it is not I suppose of the earth not for gold siuer or precious stones or gorgeous apparell or honors and offices or the pleasures of the flesh or necessaries for the body or for this life of our earthly pilgrimage all which shall bee added vnto those that seeke thy kingdome thy righteousnesse Behold O Lord my God what it is that I now desire The vngodly haue sometimes told mee what themselues delight in but they are not like the delights of thy Law See now whence my desire proceedes 4. See Father behold and approue and let it bee pleasing in the sight of thy mercy that I shall find so much grace with thee as that the Secrets of thy Word may bee opened vnto mee when I knocke By our Lord Iesus Christ thy Sonne I beseech thee that man on thy right hand that Sonne of man whom thou hast appoynted a Mediator betwixt thy selfe and vs by whom thou soughtest vs who little sought for thee yet didst thou seeke vs that wee might seeke thee and thy Word by whom thou madest all things and mee amongst them Thy Onely Sonne by whom thou hast called the beleeuing people vnto thee and mee amongst them by Him I beseech thee who sitteth at thy right hand and makes intercession for vs in whom are hid all the treasures of wisedome and knowledge Him doe I seeke in thy bookes of Him Moses wrote this hee sayes this Truth sayes CHAP. 3. Hee desires to vnderstand the holy Scriptures 1. LEt mee heare and vnderstand how thou In the beginning hast made Heauen and Earth This Moses wrote of he wrote and passed away hee passed from hence vnto thee for he is not at this present before mine eyes for if hee were then would I lay hold of him and intreate him and for thy sake would I beseech him to open these things vnto me yea I would lay mine eares vnto his mouth But should he speake in the Hebrew tongue in vayne should hee beate mine eares for neuer should he come neere my vnderstanding whenas if he spake Latine I should well enough know what hee sayd 2. But how should I know whether he sayd true or no and if I could learne this too should I know it by him For within mee in that inward house of my thoughts neither the Hebrew nor the Greeke nor the Latine nor any other language but euen Truth it selfe and that without any helps of the mouth tongue without any sound of sillables should tell me He sayes true and my selfe therupon assured of it would confidently say vnto that seruant of thine Thou speakest truth Seeing I haue not now the meanes to conferre with Moses I beg of thee my God inspired by whom he vttred these truths I beg of thee the pardon of my sinnes and thou that enabledst that seruant of thine to deliuer these Truthes enable mee also to vnderstand them CHAP. 4. The Creatures proclayme God to bee their Creator 1 BEhold the heauens and the earth are already they proclaime themselues to haue beene created for they are changed and altered from what they were Whereas whatsoeuer is not made and yet hath a being hath nothing in it now which it had not before which to haue were indeede to bee changed and altered They proclayme also that they made not thēselues but say Therefore wee are because we are made and therefore were wee not before our time was to bee as if we could possibly haue made our selues Now the euidentnesse of the thing is this voyce of the Speakers 'T is thou therefore O Lord that madest them thou who art full of beauty they beeing fayre also thou who art good they also beeing good euen Thou who hast Being seeing these haue their Beings yet are they neyther so fayre so good nor are so as thou their Creator art compared with whom they are neyther fayre nor good nor are at all Thus much wee know thankes to
there can in like manner any thing chance vnto thee that art vnchangeably Eternall that is the Eternall Creator of Soules Like as therefore thou in the beginning knewest the heauen and the earth without any variety of thy knowledge euen so didst thou in the beginning create heauen and earth without any distinction of thy action Let him that vnderstandeth it confesse vnto thee and let him that vnderstandeth it not confesse vnto thee also Oh how high art thou and yet the humble in heart are the house that thou dwellest in For thou vayself vvthose that are bowed down and neuer can they fall whose strength thou art Saint Augustines Confessions The twelfth Booke CHAP. 1. T is very difficult to finde out the truth MY heart O Lord toucht with the words of holy Scripture is busily imployed in this pouerty of my life And euen therefore in our discourse oftentimes appeares there a most plentifull pouerty of humane vnderstanding because that our enquiring spends vs more words then our finding out does and wee are longer about demanding then about obtayning and our hand that knocks hath more worke to doe then our other hand that receiues A promise haue wee layd holde of who shall defeate vs of it If God bee on our side who can bee against vs Aske and yee shall haue seeke and you shall finde knocke and it shall bee opened vnto you For euery one that askes receiues and he that seekes finds and to him that knocketh shall it be opened These be thine owne promises and who needes feare to bee deceiued whenas the Truth promiseth CHAP. 2. That the heauen we see is but earth in respect of the heauen of heauens which wee see not 1. VNto thy Highnesse the lowlynesse of my tongue now confesseth because thou hast made heauen and earth this heauen I meane which I see and this earth that I treade vpon whence is this earth that I beare about me Thou madest it But where is that Heauen of Heauens made for the Lord which wee heare of in the words of the Psalmist The heauen euen the heauens are the Lords but the earth hath he giuen to the children of men Where is that Heauen which we see not that in comparison whereof all this heauen which wee see is but meere earth For this heauen is wholy corporeall For all this which is wholy corporeall is not euery where beautifull alike in these lower parts the bottome wherof is this earth of ours but in comparison of that Heauen of heauens euen the heauen to this our earth is but earth yea both these great bodies may not absurdly bee called earth in comparison of that I know not what manner of heauen which is the Lords and not giuen to the Sonnes of men CHAP. 3. Of the darknesse vpon the face of the Deepe 1. AND now was this Earth without shape and voyde and there was I know not what profoundnesse of the Deepe vpon which there was no light because as yet it had no shape Therefore didst thou command it to bee written that darknesse was vpon the face of the deepe which what other thing was it then the Absence of light For if there had been light where should â—â— haue beene bestowed but in being ouer all by shewing it selfe and enlightening others Where therefore as light was not yet what was it that darkenesse was present but that light was absent Darknesse therefore was ouer all hitherto because light was absent like as where there is no found there is silence And what is it to haue silence there but to haue no sound there Hast not thou O Lord taught these things vnto the soule which thus confesses vnto thee Hast not thou taught mee Lord that before thou createdst diuersifyedst this vnshapen matter there was nothing neyther colour nor figure nor body nor Spirit and yet was there not altogether an absolute nothing for there was a certaine vnshapednes without any forme in it CHAP. 4. Of the Chaos and what Moses called it 1. ANd how should that be called and by what sence could it bee insinuated to people of slow apprehensions but by some ordinary word And what among all the parts of the world can be found to come neerer to an absolute vnshapednesse then the Earth and the deepe For surely they bee lesse beautifull in respect of their low situation then those other higher parts are which are all transparent and shining Wherefore then may I not conceiue the vnshapelynesse of the first matter which thou createdst without form of which thou wert to make this goodly world to bee significantly intimated vnto men by the name of Earth without shape and voyd CHAP. 5. That this Chaos is hard to conceiue 1. VVHen herein the thoughts of man are seeking for somewhat which the Sence may fasten vpon and returnes answere to it selfe It is no intelligible forme as life is or as Iustice is because it is the matter of bodies Nor is it any thing sensible for that in this earth inuisible as yet and without forme there was nothing to bee perceiued Whilest mans thoughts thus discourse vnto himselfe let him endeauour eyther to know it by being ignorant of it or to bee ignorant by knowing it CHAP. 6. What himselfe sometimes thought of it 1. FOr mine owne part O Lord if I may confesse all vnto thee both by tongue and pen what-euer thy selfe hast taught me of that matter the name whereof hauing heard before but not vnderstanding because they told me of it who themselues vnderstood it not I conceiued of it as hauing innumerable formes and diuerse and therefore indeede did I not at all conceiue it in my minde I tossed vp and downe certaine vgly and hideous formes all out of order but yet formes they were notwithstanding and this I cald without forme Not that it wanted all for me but because it had such a mis-shapen one insomuch as if any vnexpected thought or absurdity presented it selfe vnto mee my sence would straight wayes turne from it and the fraylenesse of my humane discourse would bee distracted And as for that which my conceite ranne vpon it was me thought without forme not for that it was depriued of all forme but it comparison of more beautifull formes but true reason did perswade me that I must vtterly vncase it of all remnants of formes whatsoeuer if so bee I meant to conceiue a matter absolute without forme but I could not For sooner would I haue imagined that not to bee at all which should be depriued of all forme then once conceiue there was likely to bee any thing betwixt forme and nothing a matter neyther formed nor nothing without forme almost nothing 2. My minde gaue ouer thereupon to question any more about it with my spirit which was wholy taken vp already with the images of formed bodies which I changed and varied as mee listed and I bent my enquiry vpon the bodies themselues and more deeply lookt into
Ghost the Creator of all thine owne creatures CHAP. 6. Of the Spirits mouing vpon the waters 1. BVt what was the cause O thou true-speaking light vnto thee lift I vp my heart let it not bee taught vanities dispell thou the darkenesse of it and tell mee by our mother charity I beseech thee tell mee the reason I beseech thee why after the mention of heauen and of the inuisible and shapelesse earth and darknesse vpon the Deepe thy Scriptures should euen then at length make the first mention of thy Spirit Was it because it was meete so to haue Him insinuated as that he should bee sayd to moue vpon and so much could not truely bee sayd vnlesse that were first mentioned vpon which thy Spirit may bee vnderstood to haue moued For verily neyther vpon the Father not vpon the Sonne was hee moued nor could he rightly be sayd to moue vpon if there were nothing yet for him to moue vpon First therefore was that to bee spoken of which He was sayd to moue vpon and then Hee whom it was requisite not to haue named otherwise then a Hee was sayd to moue vpon But wherefore yet was â—â— not fitting to haue Him insinuated otherwayes vnlesse Hee were sayd to moue vpon CHAP. 7. Of the effect or working of the Holy Ghost 1. FRom hence let him that is able follow with his vnderstanding thy Apostle where hee thus speakes Because thy loue is shed abroad in our hearts by the holy Ghost which is giuen vnto vs and where concerning spirituall gifts he teacheth and sheweth vnto vs a more excellent way of charity and where he bowes his knees vnto thee for vs that wee may come to learne that most excellent knowledge of the loue of Christ And therefore euen from the very beginning did the Spirit supereminently moue vpon the waters Whom shall I tell it vnto and in what termes shall I describe how the hugy weight of lustfull desires presses downe into the steepe pit and how charity rayses vs vp againe by thy Spirit which moued vpon the waters Vnto whom shall I speake it and in what language vtter it For they are no certaine places into which wee are plunged and out of which wee are againe lifted What can bee liker and yet what vnlikeer They bee Affections they be Loues they be the vncleannesse of our owne spirits that ouerflow our lower parts with the loue of cares and it is the holynesse of thy Spirit that rayseth vs vpwards againe by the loue of our safeties that wee may lift our harts vp vnto the Lord where thy Spirit is moued vpon the waters and that wee may come at length to that repose which is aboue all rests when namely our soules shall haue escaped ouer these waters where we can find no ground CHAP. 8. How Gods Spirit cherisheth feeble soules 1. THE Angels fell and mans soule fell and all thy Spirituall creatures in generall had shewne the way vnto the deepe which is in that most darkesome bottome hadst not thou sayd Let there be light and there was light and vnlesse euery spirituall creature of thy heauenly City had continued in obedience vnto thee and settled it selfe vpon thy Spirit which moues vnchangeably vpon euery thing that is changeable Otherwise had euen the heauen of heauens it selfe for euer continued a darkesome Deepe whereas now it is light in the Lord. And now by that miserable restlesnesse of the falling spirits and by their discouering of their owne darknesse the garment of thy light being pluckt off them doest thou sufficiently reueale how noble the reasonable creature is which thou hast created vnto which nothing will suffice to settle its happynesse and rest vpon that is any way inferior vnto thy selfe and therefore cannot herselfe giue satisfaction vnto herselfe For t is thou O Lord that shalt lighten our darknesse from thee must grow these our garments and then shall our darknesse be as the noone day 2. Giue thy selfe vnto me O my God yea restore thy selfe vnto me for I loue thee and if it be too little let mee now loue thee more affectionately I am not able to measure my loue that I may so come to know how much there wants of enough that my life may euen runne into thy embracements and not tnrne from them againe vntill I bee wholy hidden in the secret of thy presence This one thing am I sure of that woe is me if I be not in thee yea not so onely if I bee without my selfe but ill will it goe with mee though I be hidden within my selfe yea all other plenty besides my God is meere beggery vnto me CHAP. 9. Why the Spirit onely moued vpon the waters 1. BVT did not the Father also or the Sonne moue vpon the waters And if wee vnderstand mouing as it were in a place like a body then neyther did the Spirit moue But if the excellent highnesse of the diuinity aboue euery changeable creature bee vnderstood then did both Father Sonne and Holy Ghost moue vpon the waters Why therefore is this sayd of thy Spirit onely Why of him onely as if there had beene some place where indeede there is no place for it of which onely it is written that Hee is thy gift Let vs now take vp our rest in this thy gift there let vs enioy thee O our rest and our place 2. Loue preferres vs thither and thy good Spirit aduances our lowlynesse from the very gates of death In thy good pleasure lies our peace our body with his owne lumpishnesse swaies vs towards its owne place Weight makes not downeward onely but to his owne place also The fire mounts vpward a stone sinks downeward All things pressed by their owne weight goe towards their proper places Oyle powred in the bottome of the water yet will swimme on the toppe of it water powred vpon Oyle sinkes to the bottome of the Oyle They are weighed downe by their owne hea-luinesse they go to seeke their owne centers Things a little out of their places become vnquiet put them in their order agayne and they are quieted My weight is my loue that way am I carried whithersoeuer I bee carried Wee are inflamed by thy gift and are carried vpwards wee waxe hot within and we goe forwards Wee ascend thy waies that be in our heart and wee sing a song of degrees inwardly enflamed with thy fite with thy good fire and wee goe euen because we goe vpwards to the peace of Ierusalem for glad I was when as they sayd vnto me We will go vp into the house of God There let thy good pleasure settle vs that wee may desire no other thing but to dwell there for euer CHAP. 10. All is of Gods gift O Happy creature which knowes no other thing but that whenas it selfe was another thing euen by thy Gift which moueth vpon euery mutable thing it was so soone as created and no delay of time betweene taken vp in that
of cares Who Lord but thy selfe who once commandedst That the waters should be gathered together into one place and that the dry land should appeare which thirsteth after thee For the Sea is thine and thou hast made it and thy hands prepared the dry land Nor is the bitter spiritednesse of mens wills but the gathering together of the waters called Sea yet doest thou also restraine the wicked desires of mens soules and settest them their bounds how far the waters may be suffered to passe that their waues may breake one against another and in this manner makest thou it a Sea by th' order of thy dominion which goes ouer all things 2. But as for the soules that thirst after thee and that appeare before thee being by other bounds deuided from the society of the Sea them dost thou so water by a sweet spring that the Earth may bring forth fruite and thou O Lord so coÌ„manding our soule may bud forth her workes of mercy according to their kind when we loue our neighbour in the reliefe of his bodily necessities hauing seede in it selfe according to its likenesse Whenas out of the consideration of our owne infirmity wee so farre compassionate them as that we are ready to releeue the needy helping them euen as wee would desire to be helped out owne selues if wee in like manner were in any necessity And that not in things easie to vâ— aloue as in the greene hearâ— which hath seede in it but also in affording them the protection of our assistance wâ—â— our best strength like the tree that brings forth fruit that is to say some right good turne for the rescuing him that suffers wrong out of the clutches of him that is too strong for him and by affording him the shelter of our protection by the powerfull arme of iust iudgement CHAP. 18. He continues his Allegory in alluding to the workes of the Creation 1. SO Lord euen so I beseech thee Let it spring out as already thou makest it doe as already thou giuest cheerfulnesse and ability Let Truth spring out of the Earth and righteousnesse looke doâ—n from Heauen and let there be lights in the Firmament Let vs breake our bread vnto the hungry and let vs bring the poore that is cast out into our owne house Let vs cloath the naked neuer despise those of our own flesh Which fruits being once sprung out of the earth see that it is good and let our temporary light break forth and wee our selues from this inferiour fruitfulnesse of Action arriuing to that superior word of life in the delightfulnesse of Contemplation may appeare at length like the lights in the world fast settled to the Firmament of thy Scriptures For there by discourse thou so clearest things vnto vs as that we be enabled to deuide betweene Intelligible sensible creatures as betwixt the day and the night or betweene soules giuen eyther to Intellectuall or vnto sensible creatures insomuch as not onely thou thy selfe in the secret of thine owne Iudgement like as before euer the Firmament was made thou deuidest betweene the light and the darkenesse but thy spirituall children also set and rancked in the same Firmament thy grace now clearely shining throughout their Orbe may now giue then light vnto the earth and deuide betwixt the day and the night and bee for signes of times seasons namely that old things are passed with theÌ„ lo all things are become new and that our saluation is now neerer then when we first beleeued and that the night is passed and the day is at hand and that thou wilt crown the yeere with thy blessing send labourers into thy haruest in the sowing whereof others haue taken paines before sowing the seed also for another harwest which shal be in the end of the world 2. Thus giuest thou life to him that seeketh 〈◊〉 and thou blessest the yeeres of the 〈…〉 But thou art the same and in thy yeeres which fayle not thou preparest a beginning for the yeeres that are a passing For thou in thy eternall counsayle doest in their proper seasons bestow thy heauenly blessings vpon the earth for to one there is giuen by thy Spirit the word of wisdome resembling the greater light for them who are delighted with the brightnesse of perspicuous trueth rising as it were in the beginning of the day To another is giuen the word of knowledge by the same Spirit resembling the lesser light To another faith to another the gift of healing to another the working of miracles to another prophecy to another discerning of Spirites to another diuers kinds of tongues and all these resemble the lesser starres All these worketh the same Spirit deuiding what is fit for euery man euen as it will and causing the starres to appeare in their brightnesse vnto ech mans edification 3. But as for the word of knowledge wherein are all the Sacraments contayned which are varied in their seasons like the Moone together with those other notions of gifts which are afterwards reckned vp like the startes they so much come short of the brightnesse of wisdome in as much as their rising is in the beginning of the night But yet are these necessary vnto such as that wisest seruant of thine could not speake vnto as vnto spirituall but as vnto carnall men euen hee who also speaketh wisdome among those that are perfect As for the naturall man like him who is a babe in Christ and a sucker of milke till such time as he growes bigge enough for strong meate and can looke steadily against the Sunne let him not vtterly forsake his night but rest himselfe contented with what light the Moone the Starres affoord him These discourses holdest thou with vs O our most wise God in thy Bible that Firmament of thine that we may learne by it how to discerne of all these things in an admirable contemplation though still but in Signes and in times and in daies and in yeeres CHAP. 19. Our hearts are to be purged from vice that they may be capable of vertue He still continues his Allegory of the creation 1. BVt wash you first make you cleane put away the euill of your doings out of your own hearts and from before mine eyes that the dry land may appeare Learne to doe good iudge the fatherlesse pleade for the widdow that the earth may bring foorth the greene herb for meate and the tree bearing fruite and then come let vs reason together saith the Lord that there may bee light in the Firmament of the heauen let them shine vpon the earth That rich young man demanded of our good master what he should do to attaine eternal life Let our good master tell him whom he thought to bee no more then a man who is good because hee is God let him tell him That if he would enter into life hee must keepe the commandemeÌ„ts let
through an immoderate inclination towards these which are Goods but of the lowest alloy better and higher are left out even thou out Lord God thy Truth and thy Law For these low things have their delights but not hinglike my Lord God who hath made these All for in him is the righteous man delighted and hee is the deliciousnesse of the up â—Word in heart When â—â—quirie is made after wickednesse upon what cause it was committed no other reason uses to bee beleeved but this When then there hath appeared to be a possibility of the Appetites obteyning some one of those good things which we called of a loweralloy or else a feare of losing it For even these are beautifull and comely although compared with those higher goods and happy making riches they be but abject and contemptible 3. A man hath murthered another why so Either hee loved his wife or his estate or hee would rob another to get maintenance for himselfe or he stood in feare to lose some such thing by him or being wronged hee was all on fire to be revenged of him Would any man commit a murther upon no provocation but only upon a delight he takes in murthering Who will beleeve it For as for that man said to be so stupidly and savagely cruell that he was evill and cruell meerely for cruelties sake yet is there a cause assigned Lest sayes himselfe my hand or heart should grow unactive with idlenesse And why that Why Even because when hee had once made himselfe master of the Citie through frequent execution of mischievousnesse he might mount up unto honours commands and riches and set himselfe above the feare of Law and the difficulty hee found in getting meanes for the maintenance of his Family and the consciousnesse of his owne villanies Therefore even Catiline himselfe loved not his own villanies but 't was somthing else he loved for whose sake he fell to coÌ„mit them CHAP. 6. All those things which under the shew of good invite us unto sin are in God alone to bee found true and perfect 1. WHat then was it that wretched I so loved in thee O thou Theft of mine thou deed of darknesse which I committed in that 16. yeere of my age Lovely thou wert not because thou wert Theft But art thou any thing that I may reason the case with thee Those Peares that we stole were faire to see to for they were thy creature O thou most beautifull of all thou Creator of all thou good God God thou Soveraigne good and my true good those Peares were faire indeed but it was not those that my wretched soule desired for I had store of better of mine own and I beat downe those only that I might steale For having gathered them up I flung them away eating little of them but my own sin only which I was extremely pleased with the injoying For if any bit of those Peares came within my mouth the sweetest sawce it had was the sin of the eater 2. And now O LORD my GOD I inquire what was it in that Theevery of mine should so much delight me and behold there appeares no lovelinesse in it I doe not meane such lovelinesse as there is seene in Iustice and Wisdome no nor such as is in the minde and memory or in the senses and vegetable soule of man nor yet such as the Starres are glorious and beautifull withall in their Orbes or the Earth or Sea replenished with their naturall off springs which by daily growing supply the roomes of the decayed Nay my Theft had not so much as that false colour or shaddow of good that usually appeares in deceiving vices For Pride imitates high spiritednesse whereas thou alone art the highest over all Ambition what seekes it but honours and reputation whereas thou art to be honoured above all things and glorious for ever-more The cruelty of Great ones desires to be feared but who is to be feared but God alone out of whose power what can be wrested or when or where or which way or by whom The inticements of amourous inveiglers desire to be loved but yet is nothing more pleasurable than thy Charity not in any thing loved more wholsomely than that Truth of thine more bright and beautifull than any thing Curiosity makes semblance to affect a desire of knowledge whereas 't is thou only that supereminently knowest all things Yet ignorance and foolishnesse it selfe would yet be masked under the name of simplicity and innocency even because nothing can bee found more simple than thy selfe and what is more innocent seeing all thy workes are so averse from evill Yea Sloth pretends a desire of quietnesse but what stable rest is there besides the Lord Expensivenesse affects to be called plenty and abundance yet art thou the fulnesse and neverfaining plenty of most incorruptible sweetnes Prodigality pretends a shew of liberality but thou art the most flowing bestower of all good things Covetousnesse desires to possesse much and thou possessest all Emulation contends for excellency but what so excellent as thou Anger seeks revenge but who revenges more justly than thou Feare startles an unusuall and sudden chances which skare away the thing loved while it is warie for it's own security but what can happen unusuall or sudden unto thee or who can deprive thee of what thou lovest Or where but with thee is there any settled security Griefe pines away its selfe at it's losses which desire tooke delight to enjoy even because it would no more be deprived like as nothing can be lost to thee 3. Iust thus does the soule commit a spirituall fornication when she turnes from thee secking those things without thee which she can no where finde pure and untainted till shee returnes againe unto thee Thus all awkwardly imitate thee even they that get themselves farre from thee and who pride themselves against thee and yet by thus imitating thee doe they declare thee to bee the Creator of the whole frame of nature and consequently that there is no place whither they can at all retire from thee What therefore did I love in that theft of mine and wherein did I thus awkwardly and corruptly imitate thee Was it because I was disposed to doe contrary to thy Law if but in shew because by strong hand I could not that being a prisoner I might make shew of a counterfeit liberty by doing that unpunished which I had not power to doe under the assumed covert of thy Omnipotency CHAP. 7. He returnes thankes to God for remitting these sinnes and for keeping him from many other 1. BEhold here is thy servant fleeing from his Lord and gotten under a shaddow O rottennesse O monster of life O depth of death could any thing please thee that thou mightst not doe lawfully and doe it too upon no other reason but because it was not lawfull What reward shall I render unto the Lord for that hee so gently brings these things to my remembrance that