workful and watchful this passion is very industrious it 's never off from action nor doth it ever want expression It shrinks at neither service nor suffering it is oyl to the wheel of action It thinks no suffering intolerable so long as it enjoys the help of a true friend who will take up the heavyest end of the burthen putting oyle into the wound and joy into the heart by cheering considerations In afflictions sayth Job pitty should be shewed by a friend This is the discriminating time a friend is known in adversity If a man can delight in his friend when under a cloud when his lustre is obscured this speaks a fast friend and administers great delight we do not much value our entertainment in a prosperous estate all will admire the rising sun but to have an equal respect when declining this is rare and can proceed from nothing but an unchangable affection which excellently improves all opportunities and seasons to expresse that love and delight which is consonant unto it self nothing more sweet then endeared expressions these leave a tincture upon the heart many days after How do we â—owle such expressions in our thoughts as hony under our tongue Love is full of contemplation and invention and therefore cannot be wanting in expression Suitablenesse in recreation and businesse in the world is also considerable as that which compleats the happiness of this concern exceedingly if friends differ here much of their society will be lost Instance one man affects serious recreation another those that are most sensual these cannot hold correspondency one with another long but must certainly one time or another hazard a breach because that their recreations are not only different but diametrically contrary and consequently will occasion discontent on both sides A serious man though he may bear while he thinks there is some hopes of reclaiming yet he cannot alwaies do it because contrary to his reason affection and humour nor can he long suspend his censures on the other side pleasure will so prevail with him that loves it that he will defend it and contemn reason and religion too if it stand in opposition to or in competition with it pleasure being very attractive and prevailing nothing more Let your business as much as possible be the same at least nor contrary much of the sweetness of Friendship stands in living walking working together there is nothing a man is more impatient of then the absence of his friend O how he longs for his communion as the last sweetens and shortens time so the first imbitters it and makes it tedious the reason is ready because there is nothing so harsh as disappointments especially in those things wherein we expect the highest satisfaction and pleasure suitable to mens negotiations such are their conditions and affections If a mans businesse carry him far away so that he stands at a great distance to the object you will soon see coldnesse in affection carelesnesse and unconcernedeesse will follow immediatly and as clouds will darken the splendour of Frendship though it shined never so bright before and that because they cannot be capable of those acts of kindenesse which beautifies and maintains Frendship besides they meet with many diversions and temptations which like a moth will soon deface the beauty and glory of this concern There must be suitablenesse in the expression of our love we must not observe different methods in the expressing of our affections there is more in this then at the first view doth appear or we think of the want of this hath occasioned much difference among Friends and created many causless suspicions when their manner of expressions hath been contrary Instance some are more open and free others more close and reserved the first cannot believe any temper so contrary to generosity can haveany consistency with Frendship the latter suspects the former as altogether appearing in hyperboles thinking that they rise to high in their expression to be real and so censure and slight it though it be never so ingenious and certain But when that method is the same how confirmed and fixed is the frendship and this is not hard to be brought to passe among prudent persons which though at the first they seem very different yet they will soon agree if they argue the case and yield on both sides to that which comes nearest the rules of a perfect friendship in that latitude in which it ought to be considered I think this would be one of the first things I would study were I to contract a well grounded friendship I never affected hyperboles in friendship though some say in love they are most comely because by the same reason I may not believe some I may question all that is expressed by them A true expression is most pleasing and insinuating some truths may be more valued than others not that there is any defect in truth but there may be in them that receives it We value all truths but especially those we best understand and is of greatest use unto us Some truths may be so high that we cannot reach them others may be so contrary to some tempers that they will not believe them and hereby truth passes under a notion of falshood men are hardly brought to believe that in others which they cannot finde in themselves never insisting upon their own incapacity for it because that were a secret reproof and a close reflexion and therefore are more prone to conclude things impossible they cannot possesse then prize or value them in another Neither would I be too low in my expressions this were coming as short as the other was shooting beyond the mark because high affections are alwaies accompanied with proportionable expressions Nor could any thing mean be accepted where there are such vast expectations as in friendship but prudence may so regulate this affair that neither demonstration nor expression confirmation nor affection shall be wanting as also bend all things to the perfect rule so as there shall appear so much equality as shall reach and continue a real satisfaction and a right understanding of all things that at first seemed to render this sameness in expression impossible or at least uneasy Lastly above all disparity be careful of this that there be some proportion in your estates covet not a person much richer than your self to make a friend of you may run into more inconveniences then you are aware of in this respect sutableness here is as considerable as in any of the former I would not aim at an advantage here because as I would not have a friend that could not do me courtesies so I would not have too great a dependance upon him it is a more blessed thing to give than to receive I would rather take a friend that should share with me then one that should think my affection a purchase he made by his money If you fancy a friend that is rich or rather for his riches sit down
far enough from his I have been more amazed and affrighted at the sufferings of my friends than I could have been at the apprehension of my own death and would willingly have purchased life to them by loosing my own As compassion is free so it is pleasant how cheerfully will a compassionate man look upon his friend in distresse not that he is not sorry for his affliction but to shew how pleased he is to help and assist him God loves a cheerful giver so doth man The aspect of a man in giving and receiving doth very often discover the heart of the giver for men can hardly handsomly dissemble it here when favours comeâ— from persons only moved by credit and relation and not from love how slowly do they come the chariot-wheels do move heavily then but when they come from a compassionate friend they fly and come insensibly nor is this all compassion goes farther to acts of clemency also that is a true friend who can heartily forgive and passe by infirmities without reflection he will not make a quarrel upon every slight occasion he is more proue to pitty then to reprove he doth not study exceptions but complyance he will ever make the best interpretation possible and look over the mistakes of his friend with allowance and where he finds a blot he will draw it fair again he will treat him with all civility and tenderness reprove kindly and seasonably excluding all manner of harshness cloathing himself with all humility gravity and civility and upon the discovery of any error if it be not very criminal he will say as Eli did of his sons this is not a good report I hear of you friend Wisdom as well as tenderness is also necessary in this case the well management of a reproof is a very nice point few understands it and as few are acceptable and successeful in this regard Amiableness in the countenance sweetness in the expression are the best expedients and seems to be the most effectual means to convince without leaving the least scar on the reputation or disquietness in the minde few persons love a reprover yet Solomon observed that men of wisdom do reprove a wise man and he will love thee The tenth qualification there must be complacency and delight as well as profit in a friend a man takes more pleasure in his friend than in all the world beside all other things are to him at a distance and we know things remote give no great delight the more united the more pleasure the sun under a cloud is not so desirable because it stands at a greater distance to the visive faculty as when it shines clearly without any interposition Solomon observed that it was a pleasant thing for the eye to behold the sun in its rayes when nothing intervened between the faculty and the object here are two things especially to be considered in frendship in order to a compleat delight and complacency that is proportion and propriety These seems to be the basis upon which that fabrick stands proportion not only prepares for it but greatly supports it and propriety conveys the pleasure and sweetness of frendship to the respective persons by multiplying endearments and such expressions which immediately proceed from a well-grounded affection how pleasant is a Romance thaâ— doth but feign frendship and is not frendly comerce and communion that is reall more considerable can a picture though never so well drawn give the content the person can that it â—epresents we finde they oftner draw feares â—rom our eyes then convey pleasure to the heart â—ecause they oftentimes tell us that our dearest â—riends are either lost or at so great a distance â—hat we finde more reason to despair then hope â—nd this fills our hearts with sighs and cares proâ—riety in a friend is the surest tye and the greaâ—est obligation certainly there is a superlative â—atisfaction there which appears not more in â—he communion than in the heart-breaking â—houghts and languishing desires in case of abâ—ence and this is most evident by our longing â—ighing after that person we have happily fixed â—oo much upon ever to be contented without the â—eal possession and constant enjoyment of yet so unhappy because of some cruel accident intervening that we cannot enjoy the object that there â—s a transcendent content and pleasure in the reâ—ation and state of friendship we cannot want arguments enough to prove especially this because we finde there that which in the highest mâ—asure will gratifie both the rational and sensitive appetite and this is done when by arguing useful discourses doubts are removed fears â—ly away how gladly do we welcome that person that can inform us of those things that are the causes or consequences of our joys and griefs reason will command reverence and comes with that power and efficacy as is irresistable passions may be reproved but reason must be honoured to which persons that are not wholly brutish will easily consent because of the nature of it which is sublime and excellent and yet easy and necessary there we finde such depths that the Elephant may swim such sholes that the lamb may wade no greater pleasure to the senses which must be satisfied as well as reason then the delight of friendship which is elivated by the pleasantness of the person and the certainty of the interest that he hath in that person David saith of Jonathan that his love passed the love of women proprietie and interest raises the affections and compleats the felicity of this concern the words of a frend drops like an hony-comb much more is a solid reason accepted which is like musick to the ear light to the eye and a cordial to the heart strips the person from his fears and clothes him with serenity and peace I can never fully speak the excellency of this concern give me leave to call in the testimony of those that have fully enjoyed it at one time but unhappily lost it at another these can more pathetically speak the excellency of that state we never come seriously to prize things till after we have lost them and in our mourning habit we are most talkative about the pretiousness of that we can never recall that which aggravates any loss is the speciality that is upon it an only son or an only friend this is that which imbitters the cross David sadly resented the death of Jonathan it was a loss as cruel as death Davids complaint for Absolon is the complaint of frinds when providence makes a finall separation would to God I had died for thee my friend my friend may we not go higher and with truth affirm it 's like the rending of the soul from the body it is that one stroke which cuts the nerves and sinews of all our comforts pleasure and delight the complacense of friendship is beyond the expression of the best reason therefore I cannot aim at a perfect discovery I have given you my twilight
criminal an undertaking such arguing might have given some check to the temptation much arguing there was between the woman and the Serpent where was Adam then had there been Frendship Adam could not have been so long from Eve being in the same garden with her till the Serpent could accomplish so great a work this seems to be a work of time neither is it likely had there been this amity that she would have intended much less have acted any thing till she had acquainted Adam with it with whom she would have had inclination enough to advise with in such a difficult case there being always a communication of affairs between friends no wonder the woman was seduced when all the wit and policy of hell was imployed to do it but Adam without that was betrayed he hastily ventures without reservation and exception upon the breach of so positive a command Again if this relation could convey the best Frendship none in that relation could miss it but experience evinces the contrary we finde not seldom their open enmity if the relation could convey it though there was little love before marriage there would be no want of it after but this is clear to common observation that where persons have ventured into this relation before the affection and fancy hath been fixed the relation hath been so far from engaging the affections and uniting the heart that it hath encreased the enmity and sometimes to murther and other violent acts and I might bring many reasons for this but I do not love to rake in a kennel Again as repeated fruition is the most binding thing among Friends in this relation it is most loosening I have heard some say and seriously to that repeated fruition is a dull thing blunts the edge of the greatest affection Frendship in this relation would be arbitrary and therefore it is that there are such strong commands obliging persons to the duties of it as is evident by the laws of God and man It is observable that Frendship is most tied and yet most free there are no laws confining friends they have no need of coaction to obedience love is a law to it self this shews the natural unfixedness of the one and the stability of the other some men were they left to their liberty as friends are they would change their wives as often as they put off their clothes men are much guided by humour and fancy small things deludes the fancy at one time and things as contemptible will alter it at another men hastily catch at a wife she pleaseth him well after a little while fancy hath found out some new object and then we hear them say they cannot fancy the old the new is better but Frendship is ever guided by reason and judgment and findes more amiableness and loveliness in the object every day give me leave to adde that persons in this relation are not capable of those convenient and necessary acts of kindeness that friends are Instance in emergences of state or times of war a frend may be eminently useful in either but what can a wife do she can have no vote in Council nor command in war The wife of David though the daughter of Saul and therefore did not want interest when he left the Court and betook himself to the wars signified little to him but Ionathan his friend was more useful then then ever and this is most considerable the advantage frendship has beyond relations for personal kindeness which comes to pass from hence because they are united in heart though not in person in a legal sense as men and their wives are and this is no small advantage hereby they are more useful in times of extremity where none will assist and help but them alone many acts of frendship women are not capable of if a husband be arrested his wife cannot bail him but his friend can if her testimony be never so full and pertinent it will not be taken for her husband I might instance in many other things but I hasten from this ungratefull argument Lastly If Frendship were made by this relation then no man would seek it elsewhere but we see those persons who have as much content as the relation can give ambition this state of frendship and they make the firmest and strongest alliances in this regard and the reason they give is this that they would finde satisfaction most suitable to their nature and being and that say they can be no where but among equals where this only can be found that the hearts are united and the persons free to all friendly acts and entercourses and this cannot be among relations where the persons are joyned but too often the hearts are free I hope none will mistake and think I have no true value for this relation I have really a great respect for this relation and highly esteem it where it is in truth rightly managed They are most happy that meet with least disappointments every one will conclude poverty and sickness what a change do they make persons in this relation aim at many ends which if they miss they are impatient and that because there doth not seem efficacy enough in the relation to command a submission to any great disappointment And by how much the more evils cannot be foreseen by so much the more intolerable they be I shall point at but one end and that is children if they fail of this end as sometimes they do what an alienation doth this make or rather a separation I am loth to say it is plain enough but friends can miss their ends in many thâ—ngs without distraction crosses doth not separate them but rather unite them Ionathan and David were never so united as then when affliction seized them then it was that they renewed their covenant and strengthned their affections one towards another Thus I have led you through two relations the one grounded upon the principles of nature and therefore binding the other upon a promise or covenant no less obliging to both these friendship is due but not that friendship or love I am treating of there is natural affection due to the one and a conjugal love due to the other which must be paid with all care and circumspection I shall touch a little briefly upon the third relation and so come to what I most aim at The Third Relation I am to speak to is that of Brethren I shall consider the persons and relation jointly brethren having in them all that worthiness that friendship requires are the fittest subjects for friendship but they do not pass into it upon the account of relation nature passes but little but as they are disposed and prepared for it either by natural qualities or moral excellencies We see brothers that live apart and adopt themselves to Families remote they have little love Frendship is nourished by the same matter by which it was first made it was created by communion and fellowship
first and consider the charge this may cost you more than it is worth we must be very discreet in this case men cannot long love chargeable things such persons may expect too much distance obligation and service to stand with this relation you must wisely weigh all circumstances and not depend too much if you intend to be happy Money will beat down the price of friendship and contend for superiority and will think it very hard to be denyed when the least reason of challenge appears we know it is too base to be compared with friendship yet it would be honoured because it has a splendidaspect it carries its value in its face like an usurper endeavours to submit to slavery contempt that which is infinitely more valuable true it is a vertuous man may be outwardly mean and contemptible yet hath a minde more glorious than the gold that perisheth I cannot but smile when I see persons valued for their money and they take very kindely that which would be a vexation to me which is to see my servant honoured above my self How contemptible would many be though they make a great noise in the world and are cloathed in gorgeous apparel if their golden servant were gone that they are adored for such a man would be despised though he be now like Dives as Lazarus upon the dunghill there is no real worth in gold all is but fancy there is more worth in a peece of bread or in a draught of water then in all the silver and gold in both the Indies Heathens could see this We read of the Medes that they did not care for silver and for gold they had no delight in it It is hardly to be creditted how wise men do adore this dumb Idol and value themselves by it stripping themselves of robes and clothing themselves with rags I mean when they debase their reason which is the crop and glory of man in his moral capacity and cloathe themselves with thick clay I could never honor nor esteem a worthlesse man though I saw him tumble in gold no more than I could value a puppet because he had glittering attire I cannot admire persons as they admire themselves if their greatest excellency be riches and are only happy that they have what their mony can procure making a hundred things necessary to themselves men of real worth could live and be happy without I will never make a friendship with one that must maintain me it is ten to one if ever I should be brought to set so high a value upon an estate as those whose property it is would expect if all the gold silver in the world were put into one scale and a vertuous man in the other the latter would mightily overballance I will bless God for plenty but abundance I would be afraid of and evermore remember what we are taught in our Litany to pray which is in time of our wealth good Lord deliver us If money were as little valued as vertue and a greater price put upon goodness we might yet live to see some happy days There is nothing more contemptible than those that look no higher then money they cannot be honest they will make shipwrack of a good conscience to get it nor are they desirable because so low in their ends and aims that they do not think it worth their while to drive any other trade but their profit they will not be rational for fear they should not be rich they cannot look off from their wealth nor study any other mistery These persons will never be at the charge of frendship all your endeavour there will be like water spilt upon the ground that can never be gathered up again no suitable returns can be expected The third qualification is self-denyall this is most necessary in frendship friends must not be wilful there may be seasons when they cannot deserve that name if they cannot deny themselves Jonathan denied himself eminently for David they were both obliging but Ionathan exceeded because though he knew David would prove a supplanter yet he consulted how to preserve him hazarding the losse of his crown and kingdom A man will in some respects do more for his friend than himself in a way of self-deniall many men would be reduced to great straights rather than court some persons for themselves yet can cheerfully do it for their friend I could deny my self estate habitation relations any thing for my friend but reputation and conscience to sacrifice the first were to lie under a crime unpardonable aniong men the violating of the last a sin inexcusable before God both which would make me too base for this concern no person fit to be trusted with frendship that can prodigally part with those things so precious that nothing can repair or expiate The fourth qualification there must be freeness and openness of heart freedom and frendship is inseparable and can no more be divided then the cause from the effect Reservedness cannot be admitted It is too late to lock the cabinet when the Jewel is gone where I can give my heart I can reserve nothing true love allows neither reservation nor exception all is free their intercourse is without violence How insinuating is affection how easily it winds it self into the heart If I cannot live in the heart of my friend he is no friend to me And if he be an open-hearted man he is open-handed he that hath accesse to my heart hath a key to my cabinet or else no freedom and consequently no real frendship A generous man can as freely give as receive he hates covetousness If there can be no frendship without exchange of hearts surely then the heart comprehends all things else inferiour and speaks a full possession of all things that are near and dear to a man There is a reciprocation of affairs between friends all things are common there is but one common stock between them it is true the property may be in one but the use must be in both there is nothing so low as money among friends in their esteem and value and if they can part with every thing else they will never grudge that nor can any prudence restrain a man who hath voluntarily put his friend into possession and bound himself to maintain it and can no way be disobliged but by the worst perfidiousness possible there is no contending for propriety in this state if my estate snall not serve my friend I will never give him that name The fifth qualification is Wisdom a man of understanding is of an excellent spirit wisdom makes the face of man to shine upon his friend with heart-gladning rayes Solomon is said in respect of his wisdom that he was as an angel of God And indeed nothing makes a man in his moral estate more divine than wisdome A man cannot be happy except his friend hath competent wisdom I grant that there are differences in men some are not so capable
subjection were it not for this confinement that hath an universal influence upon all persons and transactions what tyranny would reign in the Courts of Princes what rebellion among subjects by this binding concern Princes are made almost unlimitable and subjects most free it is the undissembled affection of Princes upon which the freedom and happiness of the people are firmly planted Friendship is that which secures Families otherwise all things would be in confusion there Brethren like Cain would rise up one against another and a mans enemies be them of his own house besides this the prejudice would yer go higher and all men must stand as in Nehemiahs time with their weapons in one hand and work in the other since the progeny of Adam is encreased to a vast society and numerous issue all manner of disasters as Famine Pestilence Deluge Fire Wilde Beasts have not been so destructive of man as man himself which was occasioned by this want of Friendship Thlrdly There is a Friendship among Relations as that between Father and son Husband and Wife and Brethren these Relations make Friendships and such as must not give place to any other and this proceeds from natural principles which obliges to duty and Obligations not to be violated of which I shall speak more in another place Fourthly There is a Frendship that is grounded purely upon moral Principles and for distinction we call it a moral Friendship here is no Obligation preceeding as in that of relation but every man is left to his free choice and election and is governed by prudential and moral swasion a Father beside his own inclination is bound to love his son the law of nature bindes him to it and a son his Father in like manner but no man is bound to love any person with a complacential love nor can he do it except such an one that he can finde upon prudent considerations agreeable to his reason and fancy these are the most proper and powerful motives to excite the affections Friendship is equal in it self to all the world and hath no difference but is differenced by accidents and by the capacities or incapacities of them that receive it charity commands us not to be enemies to any and reason and prudence directs us to be most friendly to them that are most useful and deserving if we have reason to love many we have much more reason to love some more then others and if my affection be according to reason I must love most where I see most reason this moral friendship as it flows from the most generous principles so it produceth the most desirable effects we may make an estimate of it by its causes and effects sor its causes it derives either from a native candour and generofity of minde or from a noble and ingenious education or something jointly from both these seem as good originals as any thing meerly moral can proceed from and hence it is that we finde those of great minds and extraction most obliging whereas those of abject births and spirits are of a quite differing nature ths first are governed by reason which is still the same and will act equally and consonant to it self excluding an arbitrary will for he that doth things this moment because he will may the next have as weighty arguments to do some contrary and so spend his whole time in unravelling his spiders webs still lying under the lash of the superiour faculties which will be constantly following him with grating reflections who resist its more direct admonitions numerous are the effects that proceed from this cause I shall point at two or three briefly First men are hereby made so like God that nothing can more assimilate man to God love being a supream attribute of the unchangeable being prepares and enables us to a conformiry to the Divine Law Secondly Friendship calls home our wandring fancy that haply may range after a thousand vanities which may allure the affections but can never satissie them and contracts them to objects that are solid and excellent all men naturally afpire after happiness but few finde it because they either mistake the way or the end some place it in wisdom some in honour others in riches taking up with something short of the great end there is more satisfaction to be had in a faithful serious friend then in all sublunary things nothing can reach our content but that which can rationally engage the affections and this cannot be done by riches humane reason or pleasure we may adde the most binding relations and the most powerful obligations that pleasure can invent not any of these nor all together can do it and that because there is not worth enough in them to attract the heart and affections nor weight enough in them to satisfie reason nor power to lay any restraint upon exorbitant passions unlimited fancies but friendship can do all this there is love to attract nothing so attractive as love it self it comes always attended with the lucre of reward and pleasure and hcreby it insinuates it self and lays constraints and limitations upon the person insensibly without force or violence and so makes an absolute conquest Thirdly Friendship is exemplary vertue and carries in its front the clearest conviction of vice Philosophers were of opinion that no true love could be amongst any but ingenious men persons that are vicious cannot build their wood hay and stubble upon so solid a foundation as that of friendship yet this concern harh such credit with the worst of men that it hath not wanted advocates among its greatest enemies which though they have been never so vicious and industrious to defame vertue and condemn it as men do the light because their weak eyes cannot receive the luster of it yet they judge it most amicable and they can bestow praises upon vertuous men and commend the radency of that state they employ their utmost power to circumvent and destroy they can as well hold a Lion in a twine thred as confine their unruly passions and grasp the air as give check to one lust these are the unhappy subjects of those skilful Artificers that vitiate men in their persons to corrupt their principles and when all hopes of vertue is lost they will easily be perswaded into all the infelicity of a contrary state these are so deeply plunged in vice that they are contented that the last should be raised upon the ruine of the first and while they catch after the one with impetuous violence they can tamely endure the other to be vilifyed and despised whereas virtuous men can view them in their hurry and maze though with pity to them with satisfaction to themselves while they with serenity and a calm minde can regulate their opinions and confine a wandring fancy and reduce things to their just value and however this loose age the dreg of times may contemn things in themselves most deserving magnifying an arbitrary will and trampling
upon all that oppose it these look upon their Trophees as miserable that is built upon vertue and honour as a clear day befriends us with more distinct prospect of distant objects so when there is quietness within then we can look about us and see what excellencys invite the reason and affection when vain men as a just reward of their sensuality are clouded and it is not seldom that melancholy that black passion overspreads the mind like an Egyptian darkness admitting no allay but hurrying men blindefold into their own ruine Let none think this a scheme of discourse since there is nothing more common then to see men vitiate their principles as well as their duties and be worse then their nature inclines them to many evils are committed against the grain and with violence to constitution if the best sensuality be too trifling to maintain any proportion with vertue and honour how far wide must they needs be that stand in competition with vertue those that have such degenerate wills as that they can exchange liberty for licentiousness have lost their freedom and are contracted to low and base objects I would gladly vindicate vertue and make it illustrious it is my designe in this Discourse there is but one way for the obtaining that end and that is by making it as radiant as I can that by the splendour of it mens eyes may be drawn off from worse objects but some spirits are so dis-ingenious that the most glorious rewards will not animate them like brutes they are not concerned in all the happiness to be found above in the region of reason but would relinquish or resigne any portion there so they may secure and enjoy husks and draught these prodigally spend their time and treasure upon such trifles that will reward them with poverty and vexation the certain reward and portion of those that are not capable of more generous resentments but it is time to take leave of this digression and come to the point The next thing that comes under our consideration is what a Moral Friendship imports It imports the closest union the most generous contract thc sweetest communion the strongest resolutions between persons that study nothing more then the satisfaction one of another in all things both divine and humane I purpose not to speak to every individual part of this Proposition that would take up more time then I have designed for this undertaking and swell this little Tract to a volume as also beeause I shall occasionally take them all in the Discourse that sollows I shall only at present explain my meaning in a general way and so proceed By Union I mean a union of hearts which is most exeellent as to its original and effects it hath a higher cause and derives from the most noble spring and its consequents are proportionate It is natural to every production to bear symetry and proportion to that which produceth it from this heart-union springs the most complacential communion and fellowship Friendship is love and society mixt together which make it most delightful in this sociable state men do not only meet with useful diverâ—isements the want of which is the great spring of mischief but they finde ingenious advertisements consonant to the intelligent nature together with an intire affection which is the axâ—s upon which this great concern turns seconded with generosity it s most constant and grateful attendant as also a fixed resolution which makes the wheel though always turning never uncertain By how much the more free any thing is by so much the more lasting and durable fixedness twists all the other requisites so that they binde more strongly and this makes the union so â—ntire that friends have the same interest the same choice and in a sence they communicate and exchange properties and there is but one soul between them Friendship is a tree loaden with precious fruit well rooted never decaying no warmth is at its root it is not like Jonas's gourd that came up in a night and perished in a night Frendship thus fixed is unmoveable to all the effects of contrary motives Thirdly the subjects fit for this moral Friendship comes next to be considered and we musâ— consider them 1. As to their Numbers 2. Their Acquaintance 3. Their Qualities 4. Their Equality First The number of persons this must be heedfully regarded Friendship strictly taken according to our method excludes all persons above two more the Law calls riots and lovâ— calls Rivals and Competitors which cannot be allowed in this concern but with hazard to the foundation which is built on union integrity besides the expectation of friends are so large and vast that nothing but a full and ample possession is accounted any thing I cannot divide my affection and the heart remain intire the hearâ— goes out in them and necessarily is divided and that is so diametrically contrary to the nature oâ— Friendship that it is like the taking away of the Foundation which draws the whole Fabrick after it or such a rent as must of necessity destroy the most essential props after which it must inevitably moulder into its first nothing Secondly persons fit for this concern are noâ— strangers as those are not fit at all that are strangers and unknown so they are most fit that are best known in their natures and dispositions anâ— hereby many inconveniencies are avoided firsâ— disappointments that are always cross but cruel in love prudence directs us to treat with persons at a distance before we take them into ouâ— bosome lest our ignorant occasions our vexation and trouble in case of disappointment our hasty fixing upon some unequal object as it insnares the affection and betrays them so it puts an undervalue upon the judgment men that have made an unequal choice how many inconveniencies do they draw upon themselves sometimes the head is distracted and this is destructive of their peace and tranquillity the head is filled with troublesom notions and contrivances how it may handsomely manage a breath in that friendship that can neither rationally be continued nor credibly broken that is a grating conviction that discovers errours in those things to which the heart is nearly united how to unite that knot that cannot be loosed without many a piece of self-denial is not easily learned because it cannot be done without grief and trouble a separation from them we dearly love is very hard though never so good reason appears for it passion being violent wilfull and impetuous easily seduced in the first choice afterward hardly reclaimed for as nothing is more easily surprised then the fancy so nothing will be more hardly convinced of its errour Secondly The lower appetite may be prejudiced by precipitancy for the troubles of the minde hath a mighty influence upon the body and they often torment one the other the pains of the body proves no small detriment to the minde sharp pains in the body so discomposeth the mind that it s
made unfit for its high noble operations so that it cannot perform its acts with that delight and freedom Philosophers took a great deal of care speedily to cure all distempers of the body that no obstruction thereby might impede the pursuit of knowledge As the calmness of the minde mightily prepares for every serious action so perturbation hath a quite contrary effect and so distracts the minde that it proves the greatest prejudice imaginable because we often lose our reason in that croud which is the only expedient to prevail with us against any thing unnecessary or vexatious This is a Maxim that nothing serious can be done in haste Friendship is a serious thing and must be well weighed both in its substance and circumstances These things are very material in order to a well-grounded friendship that there be excellency in the minde sweetness and affability in the disposition and reality in the affection if we cannot be satisfied in all these we can expect to arrive at no better end then disappointment now to acquaint our selves with all these will require no small diligence and observation which will employ our most serious thoughts and take up a considerable time if a man be a servant to the meanest thing upon which he placeth an inordinate affection as indeed he is then this should awaken all our powers to contemplate this concern lest while we aim at pleasure we carelesly inslave our selves It is not notion but experience that fixeth content as nothing can destroy our happiness but the experience of evil so nothing can establish our satisfaction but the experience of good there is as much deceit in men as there is in stones men may insinuate themselves by specious pretences yet gross deceivers It is hard for a man that is blinded with pride or passion or any other delusion to understand himself he is not seldom betrayed by himself much less can he be understood by another there are shining men as well as shining stones otherwise that proverb had never been All is not gold that glisters we know many a stone hath the Diamond cut and colour yet but a counterfeit and when we think we have a treasure it proves but a trifle many men that through rashness and inconsideration fix their affection before experience had of the true value of the object are plainly cheated prodigally giving away their hearts without any assurance of sutable returns and hence it comes to pass that we see some frendship broken and shattered and in a short time moulder and come to nothing the Materials were deceitful like a house that is slightly built it appears strong and fair to the eye but soon decays the defect was in the foundation which though least seen is most dangerous Thirdly our too early fixing as it insnareth the affection so it condemns the judgment many will think themselves concerned here especially the most vicious that are curious in nothing but in praying into and searching after the failings of others such inquisitions being more natural gratifying extravagant humours who are most ready to censure what they least understand and make causless exceptions which if rightly argued they cannot answer one of a thousand Frendship may be envied it cannot be condemned while it remains pure and entire yet upon the least failer it is liable to the greatest reproach and scorn When Hushai Davids friend came to Absalom he was glad to see him yet how ready doth he upbraid him saying Is this thy kindness to thy friend Absalom was one of the worst of men and the greatest traitor but he hated treachery notwithstanding few men so barbarous as to love deceit hence that Proverb came that men love the Treason but hate the Traitor The greatest ground of condemnation is drawn from this especially our inconsiderateness in the first choice and election where we ought to have been most curious and circumspect and this is aggravated by two ungrateful circumstances First this seems to be a fundamental errour and therefore most dangerous and then it 's obvious to vulgar inspection and observation and this is a grating aggravation and comes attended with exclamations and often enforces a man to dissemble a kindeness to a person he could never do upon any other account then this that he might defend his judgement from censure and the relation of frendship from scorn and contempt nothing more contrary to an ingenious man then to own a kindeness for him that once deceived him especially in so material a concern as that of frendship where he expected the contrary yet prudence will not suffer him to deny him publickly it 's in this case as with him that hath bought a Jewell which he thought most precious but was cheated that man will be ashamed to own the deceit because thereby his ignorance is betrayed and next to being deceived he hates to be upbraided reputation is exposed to scandal in this case without remedy which is equally dear to him as his life what can he alledge should he say I thought my friend was worthy amiable and sincerely affectionate but I was mistaken what a contemptible plea is this as much as if he should say I was a novice and knew not how to make a right choice or I was careless and would not take the pains if ignorant how can he be a compleat Judge by what rule can he assigne errours on another when for ought he knows the fault is his own nothing will sooner misleade then ignorance if negligent worthy to suffer To prevent this be well acquainted with the person before you make this contract prevention is better then cure the more perfect knowledge a man hath of his friend the greater is his love to his person if he be worthy then acquaint your self with the law of frendship love hath law as well as duty and indispensable obligations which if thrown off make unhappy breaches It is necessary that there should be a principle of reason and choice in that person that is governed by this law first to consider the reason that enjoyns Secondly to descern the import of the concern Thirdly how to determine it self out of judgement and choice to accept it as worthy in it self and advantagious to the receiver no external force can compel the will to choose any thing but under a notion of comparative goodness as the inferiour creatures are moved by the secret force of natural inclination so rational creatures are wrought upon and insensibly drawn by moral engagements as the foresight of rewards or threatnings annexed invites them Frendship cannot be without commands if that be true that the dispensing of benefits acquire to the giver a right to command and lays on the receiver an obligation to obey and these rights and obligations are measured by the nature of the benefit as their just rule This is a Maxim that every rational man readily assents to no commands so pleasing as those of love no duty so easy
with injury both to himself and his son to himself by failing in his duty which is ever to keep up his power in all lawful things to his son in laying before him a temptation to disobedience by his example while he omits his duty Indulgence is the inlet to all other traps and snares sad Instances we have had of this in our present Age where all vices are made almost indifferent but such as disturb the tranquility of the Kingdom there are many things of the nature of this relation that cannot consist with a moral Friendship Instance the power and command of the Father the fear and obedience of the son these are contrary to that personal equality which cannot be exempted from Frendship it being as natural to the being and well-being of that concern as inequality is to this of relations the properest expressions between Friends is that which a Father and son never do as constant familiar converse equal conversation wherein they always submit their wills and affections each to other there are many things in frendship that cannot be admitted where there is a challenge of duty and command it is no prejudice to a parent and the duty I owe him to pay all possible endearments to my Friend because there are many things due to the one the other cannot challenge It is not my designe to derogate from any relation that just esteem they ought to have this must be allowed that this relation makes great dearness and a most inviolable Frendship and under such real obligations as the laws of God and men hath made indispensable and that because there are duties that obliged them before any other Frendship could be made and have left such impression as must abide and will never give place to any other because of their propriety which is supreme There are two things especially I shall point at wherein this relation differs from a moral Friendship and that is first in their springs from whence they flow and Secondly in their ends and designes First the love and frendship of the relation is grounded purely upon natural causes and therefore called natural affection there is no need of prudence in this case no man consults his reason whether he shall love his son or not a natural instinct inclines him to that but if his son be rebellious then he hath need of prudence to direct him how to regulate his affections so is his indulgence may not prejudice his son There are many things binding to persons in â—his relation as the law of God the law of â—ature and their love to themselves parents love â—heir children because they love themselves â—hey are perpetuated in their children posterity â—eing the instruments of a civil immortality â—ikewise the son cannot dispute his obedience to â—is father he being bound with his father by the â—ame laws and under more obligations then the â—ather can be 1. he has his being from his father â—y which he is capacitated for al the rest that folâ—ow as his preservation education example supâ—ly all these adde to the sons obligations but â—oral frendship has no law or obligation predisâ—osing the persons for frendship but is grounded upon moral principles and is animated by that profit reward pleasure that is annexed to the object Love in this respect is the effect of an unconstrained choice and therefore is not subject to those uncertainties that natural affections are nothing holds the affection stronger and longer then a free choice we experience this the love of relations is not much to be trusted in as the duties so the love of relations is changeable and much altered by accidents instance parents much abate in their affections to their children that once they dearly loved haply occasioned by some rebellious unworthy carriage actions against commands perswasions threatnings and intreaties which aggravate the crimes and make them inexcusable sometimes cross marriages become a great ground of quarrell when they are inferiour or unequal Again when sons put themselves upon dishonourable designes and by their extravagances brings a general ruine upon themselves and families and grow so desparate that instead of cherishing and supporting their parents against the injuries of others lay violent hands on them themselves and imbrew their hands in their bloud or consent with others unnaturally designing against them from whom they have their being David had such a son in Absalom all which so alienates the hearts of parents that they cannot give them a favorable aspect without censure nor a place in their thoughts but with reluctancies and the aggravations which second these high provocations are so many and hainous that natural affection sometimes is thereby quit and abandoned and â—hat upon just and solid grounds Othertimes paâ—ents fail in their duty to their children and carry it unnaturally toward them that have deserved â—etter nothing more notorious then for men to forsake the sons of their love preferring fome Dalilah before them upon whom they prodigalâ—y spend their substance discouraging and corrupting their children together which they do by their inhumane actions and vicious practises and this is worthy our consideration how separation will alienate the affections of relations so that there shall not remain in them a powerful inclination either to sollicit or endeavour the prosperity one of another but shall prefer a faithful servant before the relation this hath been so amazing to me that I have thought natural affection one of the greatest uncertainties of humane life and not to be confided in because men so strangely degenerate in this respect that they make themselves inferiour to the brutes Secondly as the original from whence the love of this relation comes is incongruous to that of Frendship so their ends are contrary Frendship designes nothing more then the pleasure of society whereby by communicating each others joys and hopes afflictions and disappointments they come to obtain the proper and most useful effects of Frendship but parents have no such expectation they do not aim at a sociable contentment in their children nor children in their parents how freely do parents and children consent to be divided sometimes into the farthest part of the world one from another if their persons estates or content may be advanced by it and are very well satisfied to meet once or twice in their whole lives or to converse together in a few lines which are uncertainly ventured and seldom arrive at the desired place and when they come can do no more but tell them they left a relation alive but how long he hath continued so since is most uncertain men account themselves rich in relations when their propriety is so far removed that they serve only for contemplation and generation both which gives but a general no particular contentment it is otherwise among friends they cannot satisfie themselves in contemplation fruition is that which compleats their felicity Friends are like the turtles they never associate themselves with other
times we see an antipathy in men against such particular persons there is no more reason to be given for the latter then the former yet the contrariety is as evident in the one as the other and this may be occasioned by the mistake of fancy rather then any real defect in the object the eye of fancy may be so vitiated that it may not be able to behold the clearnesse of a splendid object with complacency and delight a weak eye cannot look with content upon a clear air much lesse can it behold the sun there is such a contrariety in them so that we often draw a curtain between them as a screen or veil not that the air or sun are not both excellent in themselves but the reason why they are not desirable is the eye is not receptive of them because of its own imbecility and weaknesse fancy is often surprised in the first choice and election sometimes it 's blinde and declines objects most worthy and pursues those that are most base and abject it seldom consults reason but often betrays it spacious objects convey themselves through the fancy to the will the senses they inveagle the fancy and the fancy betrays and captivates the will Fancy othertimes is so idle that it will not take the pains to examine things but is put off with outward gaudiness it seldome is so circumspect to act by rule and that is the reason we are so uncertain in our first elections of persons and things Fancy rashly fixeth without the consent of reason to which it ought to be subservient rather complying with sence which makes it stray and warp from the exact rule it is very hard to secure the fancy which lies open to so many temptations and if it be betrayed and deluded it is as hard to reclaim it I have thought that passage in Samuel worth observation when he was sent to anoint David Eliab the elder brother passed before him he fancies him presently because he was a comely person we experience this among our selves when we come into a room where we see many strange faces we take an affection to one more then the rest Jonathans heart was knit to David while he was discoursing with Saul and he loved him as his own foul there is no reason to be given why a man should pitch upon one person with delight without the least concern for the rest but this fancy is surprized and that so strangely sometimes that reason cannot prevail to break those fetters the man is manacled with haply to his great prejudice and utter ruine As there are several things that may betray and delude the fancy so there are things that displease it that may be removed as a supercilious gravity this is very ungrateful yet may not be so rivited as never to be taken away as a harsh and severe aspect and the like but those things that cannot be divided from the person must though never so ungrateful in themselves be kindely accepted that which seems deformity to another which stands at a distance to the object may appear pleasant to me who am more united and therefore I may see comeliness where they fancy nothing but the contrary this being the prudence of friendship to reconcile it self to every thing that at the first view may seem not grateful if this cannot be done fancy is still uneasy where there is a latitude every faculty will endeavour a satisfaction fancy bears so great a sway in all matters of Love and friendship that it will be humored and that in the first place and the rather because it stands nearer then any other faculty to that object about which it is conversant it is so considerable that nothing can be done without it So there are many things very pleasing and acceptable to the fancy if it be rightly guided as an humble demonier a sweet and amiable conversation the wise-man observed that the countenance of a man rejoyceth his friend if I cannot look upon my friend with delight I cannot love him looking breeds liking and proves the inlet to affection Jonathan embraced the person of David very pleasant was Jonathan to David his love passed the love of the most passionate woman Secondly as we must love the person of our friend so we must love his conditions we cannot love his person and hate his conditions this is a paradox and altogether impossible I do not say but we may and must love the persons of our enemies though we must hate and abominate their conditions if they be evil but this is with a love of charity it cannot be with a complacential love what felicity can a vertuous man take in a vicious person he may love him so as to pitty and pardon and converse with him at distance but never so as to court his society and place him in his bosome it may be my friend is not the most affable courteous and obliging or the patientest or the best humoured man in the world yet I may love him one worthy quality is enough to make friendship but the more worthy the greater the reason a friend must endeavour a reconciliation to the condition of his friend as well as his person as far as possible and throw the mantle of love over those defects that are either accidental or such as are not so riveted that they cannot by contrary examples and friendly arguments be expunged instance a passionate man may see so much sweetness in patience that he may abhor contention and so much pleasure in a free and equal conversation that he may hate reservedness and so much grace and beauty in humility that pride may be cast out as most contemptible reason will mightily prevail with ingenious persons in this regard and they may easily be convinced of these vanities which cannot consist with Frendship love cannot be supported but by that which is substantial and this must be allowed that there are some dispositions that cannot comport themselves for Frendship there are dispositions or rather evil qualities that I could never be reconciled to and they are especially four covetousness and deep melancholy pride and envy I couple them together as those tyrants which aim at a perfect conquest over the heart and life these can never stand with this relation and state of Frendship because they are diametrically contrary and the only poyson that corrupt and destroy it First Covetousness ingrosses the whole heart and will endure nothing in the least contradictory Covetousness so debases the heart that no noble quality can inhabite there it bends and submits all to the mettal it so dearly loves and so highly values and that is thick clay Reason conscience and affection are all entangled in this golden web so that they cannot soare aloft either to fix upon or contemplate those things that ennable a man and makes him act like himself according to his moral excellencies and immortality of the soul A covetous man will lay all things at
the heart because few understand it They that have a near inspection into the excellency of this state have a high value for it not so much for its outward beauty as inward excellency and these greatly esteem a true and faithful friend though they have not alwaies opportunity to obtain it others are utterly uncapable of ever obtaining it they hate the persons in whom they see a capacity for it meerly for their friendship like the fallen angels that kept not their first estate and therefore hates all those that are not plunged with them in the same unhappy estate I have seen persons greatly respected while they carryed it at a distance each to other but afterwards when they have been observed to unite in their affections have been hated vilified scorned and scandalized such is the enmity there is in some persons to this relation and this may procecd from one of these causes First Satan seems to be concerned in this matter knowing that the improvement of reason and vertue mightily prepares the heart for grace the young man in the Gospel in respect of his morality was a great proficient he is said by the best testimony to be not farr from the kingdome of God Men in friendship much improve because they are alwayes studying things grateful comely and acceptable and in this united capacity are not lyable to those various temptations that men of contrary tempers are insnared by Satan perceiving this studies all possible means to imbitter this state and as an effectual means to reach that end he sets profane men at enmity against those innocent persons and these are not only enemies to the pleasure and profit of friendship but are at enmity with the persons this proceeds from their ignorance as well as satans malice they understand nothing of what they censure and revile fondly conceiving that every attainment they hâ—â—e no part nor interest in not worth the having never considering their own incapacity for it who are so turbulent in their humors crosse in their qualities that they can never arrive at so much composednes as will comport with this temper nor is it altogether ignorance but envy also will be concerned which delights in nothing more than to spot this innocent garment I would never esteem that friend that were not resolved never to decline me upon any account whatsoever This was a great amplification of Jonathans love unto David his resolution never to desert him rather running the hazard of his fathers displeasure the losse of his crown and kingdome and which is more his precious life then deal falsly in this covenant I would take my friend as a man takes his wife for better for worse and resolve with Ruth whither thou goest I will go where thou lodgest I will lodge thy people shall be my people thy God shall be my God where thou dyest I will dye and there will I be buried resolution is the note and character of a true friendship and lowdly speaks it neither tottering nor unsound If Jonathan could have been corrupted in his love to David by any temptations there was enough to do it if threatnings accusations or intreaties could have prevailed it would have been done as the history will inform us but Jonathan could not fear the one nor credit the other against his friend nor is it every little slip in friendship it self would do it it must be some capital crime that can ma 〈…〉 separation True it is that a man is not alwayes grateful to himself and therefore cannot be so to any other at all times sometimes friendship comes gloriously arrayed othertimes is clothed in rags shall a man decline his friend because he doth not appear always so splendid as at other times and say he is no friend this is as irrational as to say a man is no man because he hath not on his best clothes there are many accidents that may render a man lesse pleasing and acceptable at one time than another the various tempers of body and minde doth make a great change these must be considered and allowed little things will not stick with a resolved friend The ninth qualification is compassion and tenness of heart this is the cordial of frendship and the hand that binds up the breaches in the heart that which repairs the defects of nature and puts life into a dying person this is that oyl that sweetly runs into the wounds of a perplexed heart and heals it that hand that wipes tears from the eye and takes the burthen from the heart it was not the smallest part of Jobs misery that he had not compassionate friends in his afflictions In affliction saith he pitty should be shewed by a friend but miserable comforters are you all If there can be pleasure in affliction this is it that I have a concerned friend every compassionate friend is a man of bowels he is afflicted in all that his friend is afflicted and will as freely share with him in his sorrows as in his comforts this is matter of great lamentation in affliction that we have none to pitty us the consideration of that doubles the misery and adds weight to the burden but this cannot be the case of him that has a true friend upon a sick bed who makes the bed so easie as a compassionate friend no society so pleasant and diverting as he in pain who is so merciful in penury who is so bountiful many will passe by in straights as the priest and the Levite did by the poor traveller but a friend will like the good Samaritan give oyl for his wounds and wine for his heart he will put his soul in his souls stead and do for him what he would desire for himself were the present case his own Here the golden rule shines brightly do you as you would be done unto This was the season Jonathan made use of to express his bounty and compassion unto David There is nothing more obliging in frendship than compassion a fellow-feeling and sympathy in our friend is very grateful when like the two twins History speaks of these sociable companions laugh and weep together these are like the strings of a viol touch one and the other trembles As their sufferings are mutual so are their satisfactions A man is not seldom more concerned for his friend then for himself I have experienced this who have somtimes born afflictions with so much the more paence and satisfaction because it passed by my friend and kindly took me the reason is ready because a great crosse upon the body is more easily born than that which is smaller upon the minde It is with the minde as with the body those distempers that touch the vitals are more dangerous than them that are accompanied with more exquisite pains in the body so heart afflictions are most vexations when my friend is under any affliction my minde is troubled and I feel that pain in my heart for him that perhaps he feels
so intirely as I ought and the relation justly challenges Beauty is not much in frendship a sociable and amicable disposition is much more necessary if this be wanting it is not like some natural defects in the body that art can mend nothing can supply all the art of reason and religion together cannot do it we see this in angry Jonas whom God could not please he thought he did well to be angry with God himself I have sometimes taken much pleasure in contemplating the satisfaction I have observed among friends how studious they have been to please each other how ready to serve how impatient of any interruption to their social delights how unsatisfied if they could not in all respects reach a mutual content If to have the greatest contrivance how to promote our interest in the world in respect of credit estate or life be a satisfaction friendship is that If the greatest love the highest value the sweetest embraces the most constant and pleasing communion care love goodness faithfulness bounty ready service be desirable then friendship is most incomparable How easy suffering how pleasant service and how inconsiderable do life appear where mutual satisfafaction is in view where a man would otherwise indulge himself and sit down and consider the expence of a chargeable and painful undertaking before he will venture upon it it is very observable where mutual satisfaction is aimed at especially in great enterprises and high undertakings let the conclusion be never so good if death or any cruel accident have divided the friends the contents is not half what it would have been had it been mutual the end aimed at was the satisfaction of both which being ardently desired but really lost is constantly lamented and instead of a gainful possession there remains nothing but a melancholy diversion this constantly torments the minde which if unquiet will imbitter the sweetest enjoyments David could not receive the news of victory with any satisfaction because Absolon was slain who probably he intended rather to reduce then destroy promising himself a mutual benefit by that victory how eager are friends to promote the pleasure one of another they remove all impediments and study all expedients to that effect He is no friend that hath not experienced this that upon any offence gâ—ven as occasioned by him he finds as much trouble in his own heart as can possibly possess the heart of his friend grief and anger presently employed the first that any occasion should be given or taken to discompose his friend the last that he should do any thing to procure it together with thoughts and cares how this breach may be made up again It is probable every method will not do it I would bear with any thing rather than consent to a quarrel with a person I dearly loved but if offences were causelesly taken I would think it more prudence to dispute it than submit If I submit I am not only beholding for a pardon but confess the crime and become my own judge to condemn my self I have observed let the submission be never so ingenious if the fault be thought great it will prove but the skinning over the wound and upon a more muture consideration seem but a small satisfaction If credit and reputation are concerned in the quarrels and unavoidably sow the seed of suspition in the heart to prevent this deliberation seems most adviseable in which time the present passion and animosity may wear of and reason may be heard on both sides and they may be inclined rather to lose something of their own right then appear exact or punctual the law of friendship absolutely forbidding all such exactness I would make any interpretation serve rather than endanger a fundamental difference because I never yet could be convinced by the observations that I yet could make that a fundamental breach could be repaired I mean by this that which strikes against the nature essence of friendship Instance as the revealing of a secret a treacherous blow revilings by which my reputation may be impaired for ever if such as these occasion a breach it is like that of a venice glasse that can never piece again art may mend it but nothing can cement and repair it there may be reasonings pro and con and the best argument may carry it for the present but there cannot be a difference occasioned by any wilful disobligation in any case allowed it being a crime unpardonable and that which I would never ask forgiveness of nor could I be satisfied in any friendship I foresaw any thing could intervene destructive to it I could never love one I thought I could possibly be induced to hate such a thought would prove a grief that would drown my comfort and fill my heart with those doubts that never could admit of satisfaction I come now to the fifth thing premised viz. the pleasure and delight the ways and friendship is strewed with Here are many flagrant flowers we shall gather them as we go The first fragrant flower is this a man hath something secure in the most uncertain times and that is no small advantage you know fortune is very uncertain the wheel is up to day and down to morrow and what more common than to see men valued or undervalued according to their present state in relation to outward things all admire those that are uppermost trampling upon every thing beneath them looking more at the outward varnish then the inward lustre painted scpulchres make a gaudy shew yet have no real pleasure in them because though they are fair to the eye they are filled with nothing but rottenness and corruption Most persons look at the superficial part of a man wholly judging according to sense without the least appeal to reason which ought to be first satisfied in every doubtful case else we may be byassed and being in the dark mistake things to our prejudice I have read a story of a traveller that came to a painter in a kinde of disguise and desired to be imployed being of the same profession and though a great artist very meanly accoutred the painter received him and treated him according to the meanness of his present capacity bread and cheese was his fare which this artist thought a diet too course for his fine art he presently paints his mean food most exquisitely and goes his way leaving his new master to lament his ignorance and prejudice in loosing so gainful a fervant which was aggravated by the circumstances that attended it the master returning missed his servant but found his breakfast as he supposed and though he were an artist he ingeniously confessed that the representation seemed as real to his senses as the true food did to his reason The hidden parts of friendship are not visible to all the world persons in the relation doth not like money carry their value in their faces yet they are not without true worth a man can prize his friend in rags
as well as in robes Jonathan would rather strip himself for David than despise him for want of robes he did not abate his affection to David though he was thrown out of all his honour and splendour he had in Sauls court and was hunted up and down as a pattridge upon the mountains in prosperity a man will be present with his friend and consult him how to manage that estate with humility and general content times of prosperity requires the help of a friend as much as adversity The rich hath many friends few frue friends It is much harder to manage a great estate than that which is meaner Men of great estates have commonly greater hearts and that is the reason they have no more content in the midst of their sufficiencies they are in straights they have many flatterers few real friends as Rehoboam had many that are at their table that eat their bread insinuate into their secrets and yet lift up their heel against them Davids table was not without these many a good natured man is ruined for want of a faithful friend we finde that while Iehojada lived Ioas did well he was a faithful friend but when he died Ioas was soon ruined and undone A faithful man is sure in all times and upon all occasions Many accidents may rob a man of his estate nothing but death can take away his friend A man can suffer the losse of all carthly comforts and not think himself quite undone so long as he hath his friend which may prove strength in weakness pleasure in perplexity treasure in poverty a sympathizer with him in all conditions and will be with him in all places nothing but death shall be able to make a final separation he will stick at nothing ingenuity is noble and generous neither prison nor penury shall frighten him these are the seasons which he rather courts than fears because he can here best evidence his immutability Secondly the second flower we shall gather in this way of friendship is a support in the most dreadful afflictions in prosperity help is near in adversity it stands at a distance the rich have many friends but the poor is hated of his neighbour how seasonable is support in time of extremity at such a time we value kindness at a high rate that being the proper season for it because we try our friends then whether they will assist when others will not or cannot there are no seasons so proper and convenient for this purpose as times of great straits extremites when may be the condition of a man must not be known by his dearest relations nor can be but at a hazard of his life or credit such was Davids case when he fled from Saul and such is many a mans case instance in time of great losses and other calamities yet a friend must acquaint himself with these puzling affairs else he cannot discharge the duty and obligation he lies under he is bound not to desert his friend and resolves with Peter concerning his master though all forsake he will never forsake him I would be more diligent to enquire after the necessities of my friend than after any other thing that concern him not that I love trouble and sorrow but I love my friend and cannot decline that which is inseparable from him and if I cannot enjoy him no where else but in the furnace of affliction I should not think that too hot a prison would be sweeter to me were he present than a palace without him because I accept sufferings more heartily with him then pleasure without him and this is no paradox If the serenity of the minde be beyond the ease of the body and reason more to be indulged then sense it 's true prudence may facilitate troubles if the heart be calm but nothing can do it if that be unquiet the heart knows his own bitterness no person else can except a friend because hearts are united in friendship and there is a sympathy I will study all methods to support supply my friend and when I could do it no longer I would voluntarily suffer with him rather than forsake him love that warm affection maks adversity easy at least not so intollerable The third flower we gather in the way of frendship is a counsellor in doubts Many scruples doth assail and perplex the heart of a man which in credit and conscience he dares not reveal to strangers This hath proved the ruine of many a man and hath betrayed them into many sad temptations as murther rapine and all manner of cruelty not only against their nearest relations but against their dearest lifes occasioned either through melancholy inprudence rashness c. these might have been prevented by a judicious frend by whom they might have been awed conselled and prevailed with to avoid those ways and methods that lead to such extremities and by whom their scruples might have received a ready and satisfactory resolution whose tenderness would have invited him to use all perswasive and pacifying arguments I have seen direful effects my self arising from such causes how happy had some been of my near acquaintance had they had a faithful friend to have divided their cares and untye those knots melancholy was dayly tying to their destruction how easily might those webs that seemed intricate to them spun by the policy of Satan and cruel melancholy that irrational and black companion have been unravelled before they could have attained those dreadful ends that have been the consequences of them you know that a man suddenly unravels that which hath been the work of time a few well stated arguments hath and may through the blessing of God beat down the batteries that the devil makes against the precious life of man as mental discontents are most dangerous so secrecy in this regard is most pernicious because the greatest policy the devil hath is to keep this fire within a mans heart there he kindles a spark which soon blazes to destruction especially when melancholy blowes the spark the more secret fire is the more dangerous a spark may easily be put out before it comes to a flame but after it may be impossible no bodily affliction like heart-trouble yet these are not to be slighted Iob and Lazarus and many men under distracting pains as the gout and â—â—one and other violent distempers hath found friends very necessary when by a gentle hand their wounds dressed their bodies supported when by humouring and content they receive that pleasure that is not only useful but exceedingly necessary in such extremities The fourth fragrant flower we find in frendship is a companion in solitary and sad times society being never more pleasing then in solitariness I do not mean by solitariness that retiredness appointed for special duty and serious contemplation but such as is the consequence of some cruel confinement whereby we are denyed those innocent recreations and harmless diversions which would repair nature that is often tired in
conflicting with those distractions and cares that constantly attend such a prison-state were the heart always upon the wing and fit for divine contemplation a cave that dark habitation might be as Goshen a land of light otherwise it is hard to improve solitariness to any advantage as I would with much content enjoy my thoughts and discourse with my self sometimes so I would as gladly at other times speak my joyes and sad apprehensions of things to my friend by which I shall double the first and may diminish the last besides I shall have this advantage if I speak my thoughts I shall see what they are by their dresse whether trivial or weighty I cannot always improve my reason alone or be so taken with my own conceptions and apprehension of things as to believe them without exception or passible unless confirmed by those who are more judicious or at least more indifferent then I can be in matters that so nearly concern me arguments debated between two or more seems to be more clear because they have a greater testimony than when there is not that advantage a single testimony will not be accepted in civil things men can hardly perswade singly in a matter of importance we see our lawyers and doctors though never so learned are hardly creditted except they refer to Authors nor are we without a divine testimony in this case as the Scriptures which declareâ— that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every thing shall be established the great conceit that some men have had of their private notions which may be have so tickled and pleased them that they have sate down highly satisfied with the validity of them hath been that which hath proved their greatest prejudice and often proved a delusion that pride hath flattered them into making that appear great to themselves that looks throw a multiplying-glass which doubles the species when indeed if it be rightly considered by an impartial reason and looked upon by a single eye will appear little and if rightly argued and discoursed by a second person who can impartially weigh both substance and circumstance will merit rather shame and conviction than reputation and satisfaction I cannot refresh my self with any lawful recreation without a companion which will sweeten my melancholy walks and shorten the long nights my meat will not relish well nor my sleep refresh and compose me without a sociable companion my walks will bewearisome my work will be tedious my time will be long my opportunity of doing and receiving good very short I can neither manage my general nor particular calling with profit and advantage I fancy I shall live without being desired and dye without being lamented The fifth flower is a supply in the most uncharitable times this must come in as a principal part of frendship which is ever generous and free a man will deny himself sooner than his friend and think it the best policy because his content is more than his money which he can never enjoy while he sees his friend in want how speedily will help come our Saviour observed this saith he if a man come at midnight to his friend he will arise in all hast to give him what he needs Men are not at liberty to give or not to give So soon as the frendship is made we presently come under an obligation and may as well deny all other acts of friendship as that I would be ashamed to own that friend that should not share in my estate or enjoy any thing in plenty while he is in penury he that can keep his money can keep his heart and therefore not fit to be confided in I have sometimes thought the love of money hath been the cause why there is so little frendship amongst men many have bid fair for frendship but could never obtain it because the cares of the world and the deceitfulness of riches have so incumbred the heart that no place could be found for such an intertainment If your friend be right there is no doubt of any thing within his power he will rob himself rather than decline you and will without dispute make his estate if you need it more yours than his own The sixth flower in this way is the protection and safety we have in a true friend he will venture with us and for us you need not want a protector if the strength of your friend can do it he will accompany you in danger and bring you out of it if possible though he lose his life in the service he will preserve your credit and think no act so honourable as to lose his life for a generous friend Many instances we have of this in history a coward is too base for frendship I would not lead my friend unto danger nor would I impose any trust in him that should leave me there If any thing can separate friends they bare only the name never knew the nature of frendship it is a mistery still such knowledg is too excellent for them they cannot attain it It is heroick and noble to prefer the life of my friend before my own though I am as good as he and hereby I shew my humility as well as frendship and so add excellency to the action because humility and charity puts a value upon things that otherwise would be equal we are bound to dye in some sense for all Christians and therefore more obliged to do so for a Christian friend who is to us in this state of imperfection the most perfect injoyment and that which supposeth and includeth all things els that may render us happy The seventh and last flower this way of frendship is strowed with to name no more because I hasten is this we have a friend that will be with us in life and for us when we are dead This is a flower of the greatest fragrancy you need not discompose your minde about your children what shall become of them when you are gone in respect of care and provision since you have left half your self behind with how much satisfaction doth a man or woman die beyond others that hath a faithful friend their cares are not about their children they have left them in a safe hand they neither fear cheats nor wrongs or any unkindness that can be avoided by the inspection care and prudence of a faithful friend David had a respect to the son of Jonathan set him at his own table Duration is that which heightens the value of any thing things of short continuance are not much desirable though they are sometimes pleasant they are not so profitable would you leave a precious Jewel to posteriry when you are gone make sure of a true friend would you live when you are dead would you have a name that should never be blotted out would you have your ends accomplished concerning your near and dear relations a true friend is most likely to effect these ends who will extend your vertues
bury all your imperfections and ingrave that praise and honour upon your tomb that shall not be rased for ever posterity are considerable children lye near the hearts of parents yet notwithstanding these nor any thing else to an ingenious man is so precious next to his soul as reputation whereby he blossomes in the dust and is had in everlasting remembrance we come now to the sixth thing promised namely how to govern our selves in the state of frendship in order to the preserving of it and we must wisely ponder such things as these and sincerely practice them as those that are most grateful First set a value upon your friend above any earthly thing you must love him as you love your self think him worthy of the best affections and he must have it without reservation or exception think no service too hard no sufferings too much make him equal to your self in your care and thought let nothing in the world stand in opposition to him or in competition with him there are 4. things that raises our value and esteem intrinsecal worth usefulness propriety and a real affection he must be worthy else not capable of frendship as hath been already shewed we have seen the qualifications which speaks him eminently useful this worth being attended with benefit our propriety in all which makes him incomparably also desireable and if real affection be added that will challenge our highest esteem and value Secondly be not harsh in your reproofs no friend is so perfect but may need it but do it tenderly in the spirit of meekness Saith David if the righteous reprove me it shall be baulm that shall not break my head he doth not say it shall not break my heart by a sunlike thaw but it shall not break my brain was his meaning by distracting and perplexing thoughts and It is more proper for reproof to break the heart then the head that heing the genuine end aimed at among friends but here we must be wise discretion is very necessary in a matter so difficult as the well regulating of reproof there are several methods of reproof and you must seriously study which of them will suit the present occasion in this lies the excellency of a wise reprover sometimes words and arguments will do best and are most expedient and these seem most proper for men of patience and reason who will attend and weigh things in the ballance of a rectified judgement Solomon speaks of these when he saith Reprove a wise man and he will love thee A wise man loves the reproof when it is well managed and seasonably applyed Sometimes a look is sufficient to reprove our Saviour did but look upon Peter and this work was done Sometimes the contrary example will do much Lastly to reprove in the person of another seems the most successeful way of reproving because by this without any noise or ungrateful reflection you will seriously and severely enough reprove Thus David was reproved by Nathan the prophet by this means a man is brought secretly to condemn himself and save you the labour never cast any disgrace upon reputation that is a tender thing a man would take it as kindly you should touch his life as his credit then be sure what you tax him with be true never go upon fancy and suppositions this will speak you rash and it will grieve your friend extreamly to be causelesly impeached by you who is bound by all manner of obligation to make the most favourable construction charity as well as frendship enjoyns you never to make an evil interpretation where you can possibly make a good one whenever you are tempted to make exceptions suspect your self may be you take offence where none is given look into your heart and see that you are free from pride passion pride will raise a storm in the serenest temper passion will cast a mist upon the clearest understanding besides you prejudice your self if you are not deliberate and careful how abashed is a man when he hath reproved rashly with how much shame is he forced to detract and submit and instead of a Judge as he was in the seat of reproof now becomes a suppliant where he is not always succesful may be the injury was so great that bare submission would not do it there must be satisfaction the first is shameful the last chargable and this because the offence may be aggravated by circumstances which will admit of no repair these might easily have been prevented at the first by a solid and religious deliberation in all things sudden and unexpected we should fuspend judgment till reason be fully satisfied we every day experience this that what we madly resolve with Jonas we soberly repent with Esau Thirdly whatever you apprehend ungrateful in your friend never reprove at a distance or by proxy much prejudice may be conveyed this way I mean by these messages or written quarrels These are very dangerous and shake the foundation of frendship Instance First hereby you impeach your friend and article against him and that you cannot do without disobliging words which if by any accident made publick they may admit of diverse interpretations which interpretations will be according to the fancies of those persons into whose hands they may unfortunately come and from hence may arise this prejudice the hazard or loss of a reputation you will afterwards but in vain sadly lament many shoot here in just but kill in earnest Reputation is not to be dallied with because if it be once lost it is like yesterday that will never come again Again you can hardly avoid the revealing of some secret passion is a meer blab so inconsiderate that it will never make any reflections backward nor forward as to think what reason have I for it or what prejudice may come by it the disclosing of a secret is always disobliging and not to be excused though it be accidentally not intentionally done That is a thing that may not be left to hazard it is like the defiling of the marriage-bed and of all crimes in frendship the most unpardonable because besides much other prejudice it blots and defaces your evidences and assurance of the affection of your friend whom you have so justly incensed that much time may passe over before a right understanding will be fixed between you again if ever I saw a frendship broken by this that it never peeced again Nor is it without this inconvenience always attending it that I do not only speak unadvisedly at the present but leave it upon record and that may be against me for ever writings being for duration as well as for ratification and by this adventure we not seldom seal a prejudice and witness together against our selves that may rise up in judgment whenever the keeper pleases and may possibly prove a Lion that may devour all our hope and comfort when we least suspect it As I would not write quarrels so I would not send them by