dispersing with his brightnesse the clouds of ignorance and enflaming with his heat the coldnesse of affection so true finde we that which our Saviour speaks of himself in Saint John I am the light of the world he that followeth me shall not walk in darknesse but shall have the light of life In darknesse that is the darknesse of sin but shall have the light of life that is that living light which quickens the heart unto goodnesse and enliveneth the affections Enliveneth the affections With cheerful thoughts with nimble active love With flames of zeal which never cease to move to move upwards and give their humble attendance upon the Almighty In the act of Repentance we shall as it were throw down our selves before God with a filial remorse and melting sorrow for our offence somtimes casting an eye upon the exceeding vilenesse of our sin and then weeping and grieving and vexing our selves that we should be creatures so wretched as to commit that which though there were no God to obey not Law to transgresse yet a man would be ashamed and scorn to do somtimes casting an eye to consider not so much what it is in it self as against whom and then it is ten times grief to think that we should so highly offend him that hath always been so good so loving and as I may say so too much merciful unto us that we should displease him whose infinite goodnesse is more then that we are able in the least degree to deserve though we should with all the veins of our hearts continually obey him counting it a most tender thing to grieve him which hath vouchsafed us to be as dear unto himself as the very apple of his eye We shall I say weep and grieve and vex our selves for it is to be noted that we do seldom finde the true and effectual comfort of Repentance without tears when the eye can kindly run down with streams of water then doth our heart begin to feel ease then doth that burden begin to be light which before was so heavie and then will the light of grace begin to shine in upon our souls and kindle our affections with that zeal of David Psal 86. 11. O knit my soul knit it faster unto thee that I may fear thy Name Many times thus in the passion of our souls are we so overjoyed as it were at the return of Gods favour that we could even suffer our hearts to be pluckt out of our breasts to offer them up in devotion unto him and therefore now do we lift up our souls with such a servent desire of better obedience that henceforth it seemeth not enough for us to go or walk but we must run the way of thy Commandments O Lord since thou â—ast thus set our hearts at liberty To hang down the head like a bulrush Isai 58. 8 and to be covered with the sackcloth of dejection for our sins this verily is not the main this is but the outside and beginning of Repentance It onely doth before prepare the way Telling some news of the approaching day A lively resolution of the heart to redeem the time this is the soul and reality thereof Repentance is but dead without a lively heart and surely it never doeth us good till it thus come unto the quick Well now when the Almighty hath thus breathed into our souls this breath of life then doth our hope revive again in the confidence of pardon and then also shall we be so sensibly affected with Gods infinite mercies towards us that these his mercies like those bands of love Hos 11. 4 do tye us far more to his obedience then before all the faculties of both body soul do seem too little for us to do him service with that so in some measure we may requite his love in forgiving by our love in obeying the more God forgives us the more we do always love him so that we may justly witnesse the truth of that which our Saviour saith To whom God hath forgiven much he will love him much This love of God doth usually raise in us a holy indignation against sin to hate to abhor and as it were trample it under our feet making us zealously to take part with God against our selves who have thus took part with sin against God and therefore shall we be ready to enjoyn a kinde of penance to our souls and to execute in Gods behalf a revenge upon our selves so that if it were possible we might give him a due recompence and satisfaction for our offence The effect of Repentance is That we shall feel our consciences satisfied our hearts at rest and our selves joyfully at one with God again and then will our soul make her boast of the Lord that hâ— hath put a new song into our mouthes even a song of thanksgiving for this great deliverance according to that of David O Lord thou hast been exceeding gracious unto us wherefore as for our soul it shall be talking of thy righteousnesse and of thy praise all the day long We cannot cease I say We cannot cease from morn till night thy goodnesse to set forth O Lord 't is now our whole delight to wonder at thy worth Thus a while are we full of praises and thanksgiving unto God And now then with such a strong and powerful confidence in him do we go on in our wonted course of divine Meditations that our thoughts do as it were scorn the earth being like Elijah in the fiery charet of zeal mounted up to dwell in heaven onely and in heavenly things our Phancie will be all for the high and lofty speculations of God of Christ of Eternity of the World to come c. The private leasure and holy silence of the minde froâ— outward things giveth such advantage to the soul to flee upwards that for the present we are even Dâ—ified with these glorious objects and are become Saint-like in our thoughts but when it comes down again to the practick part for the conversation of ourlives when these Speculations are to be actuated into a good behaviour lo then it proves that there is nothing at all in us of Saints no not scarce of men or at leastwise of very weak and frail men then all that we can do is but to desire to keep our selves from sin or to be unwilling to enter into temptation that that for the most part is the furthest we do proceed but to withstand and vanquish or put off sin are we seldom able in the leâ—st degree and therefore we may well aâ—k the question with Saint Paul Who shall deliver us from this body of fin since the highest period of strength thaâ— we do here attain unto is able to do little even so little that I may justly say it is but as the shadow of somthing rather then anything and indeed altogether as it were nothing in reality though somthing in intention Well now being in the state of Repentance we can carefully
take heed of the least sins directing our conversation in a more elevated and steady course then usual as conceiving our selves to lie open to the awful view of an Omnipotent and most glorious Deity as also we can more duely humble our selves and pray before him with a fervent with a lively earnestnesse and confidence of obtaining For first the abundant experience of Gods great love towards us together with that loving affection which we feel in our hearts towards him again breeds a kinde of union and friendship betwixt God and our souls and this union begets a trust and confidence in him and then this confidence doth fully perswade us that we shall prevail with him in any thing so that it be best for us to obtain it I say Best for us that is for our good though not always to our liking our Prayers verily 't is sit they should be confident but they may not be obstinate and self-will'd Nature doth use to take it harsh not to have her desire granted but David's resolution in Psal 39 will at length pretty well satisfie her I became dumb and opened not my mouth for it was thy doing For it was thy doing that 's the reason to stop our mouthes and hold us contented And 't is our Saviours reason and resolution in Matth. 36. 39 Neverthelesse not as I will but as thou wilt Gods will we are sure is far better then ours and therefore good reason it is that ours should in all patience and humility be ruled by his better it is in his care for he hath a greater care over us then we can have of our selves and better in his wisedom and foreknowledge for he knoweth far better what is good for us then we know for our selves Our sinful wills do seldom aim aright Lord give us what is fitting in thy sight What thy good will and pleasure is and we are contented Again as we have such a submissive trust and confidence of obâ—â—â—ning in Prayer so are we always more affectionately apprehensive of what we do pray then in the time of sin our thoughts can go along and keep turn with the words of our Prayers at the confession of sins shall we feel our selves pressed with the burden of our wretchednesse at the Petitions of grace our soul will be athirst after the living God Oh when shall we be satisfied with the fulnesse of his mercies at Thanksgiving for his Blessings our heart doth as it were run over with the abundance of his loving-kindnesse Even so hath thy Mercies embraced us on every side that who can set forth thy praise O Lord or declare the goodnesse that thou hast done for our souls Thus I say we can now keep our thoughts neerer to the sense in prayer then at other times and yet we shall finde it at the best time of our Devotion very difficult to keep our intention close to it any long while specially in Publike praying for do what we can ever and anon our mindes will be sliding away from the matter in hand and dreaming upon other imaginations at least some other thoughts on the sudden do come athwart us and put us from the sense so that seldom do we hold our intention steady upon it thorowout a whole Prayer unlesse it be very short For we may here pertinently take notice that sin is so naturally rooted in us and all Mankinde that 't is a very hard task if with due inward silence we observe it in our selves to keep our secret thoughts within compasse even whilst the eye of Conscience is most watchful I say Even whilst the Star of Jacob shines most bright In us to purge away the dark of night So that it was no marvel David said that the righteous man falleth seven times a day whenas there is seldom an hour in the day even in the purest condition of our life specially if we have any concernment to be conversant in outward affairs I say scarce an hour wherein extravagant and unlawful imaginations or desires do not most thrust themselves into the minde which though perhaps indeed the awaking care of Conscience by Gods help doth quickly check out again with shame in these or the like motions of dislike as Fie t is not right God forbid yet the Corruption of nature hereby sheweth it self to be always active in us though it doth not now prevail as it would O Lord God our best Condition in this world thou knowest is but as a night in which thougb there be some light shining within us yet is there much more darknesse and therefore our experience methinks doth most fitly and naturally Moralize that expression of thine concerning our Saviour Numb 24 where thou hast called him by thy holy Spirit The Star of Jacob even as it were the day star of heaven arising in our hearts a star and that befitting the night and yet a star which shineth to our Souls and Consciences with a blessed light of joy and comfort and so as Saint John with his Baptizing tears of Repentance prepared the way for our Saviour to be entertained in the souls of men so I say the watery clouds of sorrow for sin passing away from our reâ—enting souls do unvayl our Saviour unto us that Star and Light of divine grace that he may shine out again as the joyful Light of our Salvation And O most merciful Saviour thou that art here a Star unto us a Day-star appearing before the Sunrising be thou hereafter in heaven the Sun it self the Sun of Righteousnesse shining in most perfect glory unto all Eternity But to go on Lo the sweet Olive branches that this Noab's Dove Repentant reconciliation bringeth in unto the soul It is said Prov. â—8 1. That the righteoâ—â— are as bold as a Lion Lord who is there that can say he is righteous before thee when as the very Angel are unclean in thy sight much more are we the very best piece of whose life is as a menstruous cloth defiled with grosse imperfections yet see the neerer we draw on thereunto the lesse fearful we are the terriblenesse of thunder which according to the Poet Is apt with fear to shake the mindes of men Jussit humanas motura-tonitrua mentes or the hideous examples of Gods Judgements and the â—ike nay even terrible death it self which according to the Ancients is naturally 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the most terrible of all terrible things all these with which we are wont to be affrighted do not now strike us with so deep a passion of fear nor go thorow our loyns with such a terrour and that not at all because of any deadnesse of Conscience but out of the livelinesse of faith I say Because the Lord as it is in Psal 27 being our light and our salvation whom then methinks should we fear the Lord being the strength of our life that is the trust and confidence of our souls of whom or of what should we be afraid Again the
to their own skill and wisedom how do they snarl themselves in blinde conjectures Lo this doubtlesse was the cause that our businesse took not effect it should have been done by such or such a means it such or such a time with these or these Circumstances â—yring out our selves to seek the reason thereof like those blinde men that sought Lot's door and could not finde it never thinking all this while on the Divine providence which directeth all things towards which our thoughts ought to aim their first and chief regard and therefore it is that oftentimes we do try so many ways spend so much time break so many nights sleep to no purpose for sure Except the Lord keep the Citie all our labour is lost the watchman waketh but in vain As Jehu answered Jehoram 2 Kings 9 so may we answer our thoughts and with sufficient experience resolve our selves What peace content or rest can there be so long as this Jezebel of sin raigns and remains within us No peace within nor yet no peace without But full of troubles toils and fears and doubt Our peace with all things utterly doth cease Because with God we do not make our peace And thus on every side we both see and feel it even too much to our own grief That there is no peace unto the wicked The man of Sin is a man of Trouble trouble in his minde with the distractions of sin trouble in his conscience with fear of judgement every way disturbed and out of rest and yet lo for all this that there is so much unquietnesse and trouble and discontent in our sinnes we are so strongly hampered and engaged therein that there is no power in us to break off the bands thereof or cast away her cords from us through the habituated continuance therein it is so hard and difficult for us to repent I mean fully and perfectly to repent that it goes even against might to think of making up a reckoning and an account with God we are so totally as it were turned into sin it self I mean such an invincible disposition of sinning in all our conversation that O who shall deliver us from this body of death what course can we take to come out of this unhappinesse 'T is high time to look about us to raise our thoughts to some better notions but such is the difficulty of true Repentance that we cannot go thorow stitch with it but this and this opportunity is still put off with excuses with the presumptuous and flattering conceit that Gods mercy is infinite we have had often and often trial of it Doubtlesse we shall have some better time and more fitting season hereafter But we who finde it so hard a matter at this time a thousand to one but that we finde it more difficult the next the longer we continue in sin without due Repentance the more methinks are we entangled with it and dayly snarl'd the faster from getting out O therefore let us take heed in time and duely consider this all we that now forget God Consider this I say whilst we have time afforded us lest in his wrath he suddenly pluck us away and there be none to deliver us Here it is observable according to what I have formerly intimated that though not usually yet sometimes the Conscience is so cunningly daub'd up that it seems within us to be as well satisfied with the outward formality of Religion as if it were in the state of grace and true reconciliation our mouthes and the outside of our thoughts do draw neer unto God when-as our hearts the true depth of our heart is far from him even full of nothing but dead mens bones the rottennesse and corruption of sin we are I say thus so smoothly deluded in our selves that we can seem boldly to chalenge acquaintance with Christ and perhaps think that we are able to boast of great matters in his Name and yet for all that peradventure as it was with those in the Gospel Mat. 7. peradventure I say Christ himself may never so much as know or acknowledge one jot of Christianity within us but this deceitfulnesse of Religion this superficial delight is easily discerned if we mark it well both by our selves and others in that it is frequently wont to vent it self into a partial siding contentious talking part-taking and debating as those of whom the Apostle speaks that fell out about their Religion I am of Paul I am of Apollo I am of Cephas taking the shadow for the substance and mistaking the truth thereof as though it were a thing so shallowly seated in the soul that it consisted in wittinesse of discourse sharp understanding following of Opinions and the like no verily the Kingdom of heaven Religion and godlinesse is not without as our Saviour saith but within us even in the dressing ordering and managing of our own souls Indeed Our Knowledge without Charity may swell Into Contentious strivings full of pride But true Religion in that heart doth dwell Where patience love and humble thoughts abide what ever or however the Conscience as I say may thus be deluded and held in some pleasing satisfaction finely skinned over for a while with the upper part of Religion yet in the truth of it the wound that is so deep is not so easily cured this sinfulnesse of the minde here spoken of having gotten such time and liberty with us is not without great difficulty deep sorrow many prayers and much carefulnesse took off again and therefore till we can by Gods special mercy attain unto this thorow piercing and happie Repentance there is none so soveraign and helpful a means to prevent the dangerous encrease thereof as is the constant following of a good employment ever to be doing in one industrious action or another according to the quality and manner of our life even in one honest action or other though it be but to little advantage so that the Rule is very true Praestat oriosum esse quam nihil agere It were far better for us to be in action with that which is to no purpose so that we do not sin in it then to sit still and be altogether idle for alas we do by woful experience finde that Idlenesse is rightly named The devils Cushion being seldome out of one sin or other whilst we are out of action in some good employment This Cushion makes the devil so easie a seat that it is even an invincible work to remove him from our idle souls or make him sit away this is his seat I say and his shop too here he freely sits and plyes his utmost skill to mould our thoughts to the very wickednesse of his hearts desire here he sits forging and fashioning all the ugliest forms of sin and foulest monsters of impiety that ever entred into the heart of man there is no sin so great so hellish and inhumane but Idlenesse hath been the means to hatch it into the world Quaeritur
how many and how many times is it that we do pray God knows with poor relish and devotion of mind forcing our selves to pray when we cannot pray repeating the words when we are in such a case and so out of order in our selves that we have no heart or affection of Prayer I say no heart for obserne hinc illae lachrimae it is the deadnesse and want of a heart that is our greatest unhappinesse in all our distresses and therefore good David so earnestly cries out for an heart Create in me a clean hâ—aâ—t O God O turne my stony heart into an heart ef flesh c. To go on There is most times suck an untowardlinesse in our hearts and affections unto prayer that our distempered thoughts by meanes thereof are ready to turn every thing to a quite contrary sense to a vaine perchance or ill conceipt so that when we should be most reverently serious in our devotion then do the twharting glonces of our Phansie make as it were a foolery of it and this will make us exceedingly to sigh and cry for discontent that we should be so vaine untoward and out of all order thinking Lord what shall we doe we cannot help it though we be thus never so untoward we cannot tell how to avoid it and these words perchance we cannot tell what to doe Lord we cannot tell what to doe in our greatest plunges of distresse will be an usuall expression with us Lord heare our groanes we wot not what to say We pray and yet alas we cannot pray Of our selves we are not able sufficiently to think or comprehend in how bad a condition we are thou only that truly knowest our misery be mercifull unto us according to thy great mercy When we are solitary and melancholy private musing upon our selves and our miserable condition there doe often such quames of terrour come over our minds and consciences with such fainty fits of despaire that we are even as heart fick for the time with them the cogitation of divers things reflecting upon our consciences maketh our drooping spirits many a time even ready to forsake the body and give it its last farewell sometimes that Text of the Hebrewes which saith that those who after they have tasted of the heavenly gift and the power of the world to come if they fall away it is impossible to renew them to repentance This word impossible is a hard saying and doth wonderfully dismay us Sometimes that unpardonable Sinne against the Holy Ghost which shall never be forgiven neither in this world nor in the world to come doth strike us even as dead without hope of recovery for let that sinne be what it will be either this or that as perhaps we have read and learnt out divers opinions of it what it is sure we thinke the greathesse and heynousnesse of our sinnes must needs without question comprehend it nay if it be a sin of such and such a nature as some are of the opinion it is there is not the least doubt to be made but that we have evidently and often committed it Sometimes that place of doing despight to the spirit of grace doth speak hard unto our consciences and somtimes that where it is said of Esau that he found no place for repentance though he sought it with tears Sometimes the darting thoughts which doe so vehemently terrifie and distemper our minds maketh us tremble to think on that place in the Apocalyps where the damned ouâ— of their rebellious nature are said to curse and blaspheme c Sometimes shall we think on Caines sinne that it was no other then those sinnes were our selves have committed even perchance in the fame kind of malitious and murdering thoughts against our Neighbours besides so many and so great sinnes of other natures for the which we are more worthy to be damned then he Sometimes the grievous punishment of the murmuring Israelites who were angry with God out of impatience doth passe sentence upon us of the like Judgement and Condemnation Sometimes againe the application of Sauls case will disquiet us the application of the house built upon the sand the application of him whose last estate was worse then the first who being delivered from one Devill there entred seven worser ones afterwards into him Sometimes we stick with great feare on Predestination being not a little touched with the utter improbability of our being fore-ordained unto Salvation who are altogether so wicked and untoward that God may as well and with as good reason to our judgement save the Devill himselfe as we whatsoever we heare spoken either in Scripture or else how to the Condemnation of the wicked doth as justlv and fitly me thinkes come to our Consciences as if it had been framed on purpose for us as also whatsoever is said to the commendation of the righteous doth sound againe even as punctually to our particular shame and confasion of face The saying of St. Peter to Simon the Sorcerer doth most rightly me thinkes fit us being thus truly in the gall of bitternesse and in the bonds of iniquity so hampered and snared in our sins and terrour of Conscience that by no meanes can we get out of these feares and distractions What ere we doe doubts doe thereof arise What now we like anon we doe despise As for example If we doe give liberally to the poore intending to take Daniels counsell in his fourth Chapter that is To breake off our iniquities by shewing mercy and so forth then sure it comes into our mind that our actions are but Pharisaicall or that we doâ— it without charity without which though we should give away all our goods it will as St. Paul saith profit us nothing if we doe not give liberally when as our ability can doe it then are we just as churlish Naball or as wicked Dives Againe if we doe let in the consideration of our sins and miserable estate so nearely and deeply into our apprehension that we cannot endure it then sure we are like Caine ready to cry out that our raisery is greater then that we are able to beare If on the other side we endeavour to forget it and put it from our minde then doe we seeme like Saul to drive away the evill spirit with Davids Musick If we doe keepe on our going to Church and the like outward duties when as we seele no good motions within us correspondent thereunto but rather all untowardnesse then we are as Hypocrites that make people to be mistaken in us in accounting and deeming us to be better theâ— we be to be something when as we are nothing If we doe wholly omit and neglect those duties as not to goe to Church and the like then are we prophane Atheists and not fit to live amongst Christians such is the unconstant weaknesse and unquietnesse of our soules that thus as Iob in the seventh Chapter the fourth verse When we lye downe we say when shall we arise and
a bag of dung a sinke of filth and corruption me thinks the very meanest creatures are more happy then we for loe O Lord they continue perfect in that state thou hast created them they live not in sinne against their Maker they die in innocencie but man alas unhappy man liveth in sinne dieth in trouble O finne thou art the worst of all evils thou art worst then death worse then Hell sure better were it to have no being at all then that our being should be offensive to that God which hath bestowed it on us In the time of plague and infectious sicknesse in likâ— manner doe our Meditations more consideratively enlarge themselves how are our thoughts then not a little swollen up with sadnesse and griefe at the tender apprehension of the solitary and forsaken estate of those poore soules who are imprisoned and shut up in the infected houses thinking thus with our selves O Lord how happy are wee on whom the Sun shines thus merrily the Sunne of Gods favour wee have health wee have Liberty wee have Plenty of all things at our hearts desire but they poore wretches are inclosed within the shadow of death their feet like good Iosepâ—s are in the stocks and the Iron thereof entreth into their soules the hardnesse of misery maketh their very hearts to bleed for as Iob saith Tbe arrowes of the Almighty are within them and the poyson thereof drinketh up their spirits O how can wee forget to have compassion on such misery as this The seâ—ious deepnesse of our mind doth also thus frequently close up in our Meditations the departing day and Lord thou hast added one day more unto this our life which thou mightst long ere this have shortned and cut off Lord prepare us for our end and make us willinger to die then yet wee are that when as wee shall have brought all our dayes to a period as we have now this day wee may be ready and well content to depart out of this world to thine eternall mercy and that wee be patiently resolved that this face these hands and this whole body of ours after a while it may put on corruption be clothed with blacknesse and deformity and so with the fatall necessity of all Mankind naturally to be composed into Mortality and be gathered to our Fathers to rest with them in the dust untill thine appointed time Vntill that shrill awaking Trumpet sound At the last day to raise us from the ground The Melancholly Man is a man full of thoughts his phansie is as it were alwayes in a constant Motion no sooner doe wee discharge our braines of these diviner thoughts and meditations specially our mind being at leisure from worldly things but forth with it is in action either with some idle or ill employment either wee are building of Castles in the ayre or framing of Vtopiaes and the Idea's of one thing and of another of Monarchies of Paradises and such like pleasing dreams of phansie or else wee are on the otherside snarling our thoughts with the toyls of sinne Each sense of ours to the heart Proves Traytor to let in Temptation with his fatall dart The Harbinger of sinne How often thus doe the allurmeents of pleasure involve our minds in a restlesse unquietnesse untill wee give satisfaction thereunto how often doth the provocations of lust follow our thoughts till wee commit Adultery with the Baby of our owne fancie how often again doth impatiency haunt us till wee are engaged in wrath and distemper how often doth the love of Riches torment us into the consent of injustice This is the difference wee may find in our soules betwixt good and evill when wee are affected with good things wee are ready as I say to poure out our braines into an abundance of Consideration thereupon but when as wee goe to make use thereof in the practise of our lives such difficulties and impossibilities doe stand in the way that it is even against our stomack then to tâ—inke upon it when contrariwise wee are affected with evill things it may be wee are not ready to spend so many thoughts upon them but wee may easily observe our pronenesse to imprint them in our actions For good wee are as the fruitlesse Fig-tree all whose sap is but enough to bear leaves none for fruit so that in manner all our goodnesse goes out into thoughts meditations and desires little or none at all into practise and performance but for evill wee are more fruit then leaves the practick part of our soules doth here out-goe the speculative Facilis descensus av Aâ—rni Nature hath made it easie for us to goe downwards in the paths of death and destruction and yet notwithstanding by Gods mercy sin doth not over-come us to fulfill it in the lusts and full swing thereof we are not at ease and rest with it it doth discontent and trouble us there is no perfect quietnesse in our soules whilst it prevailes within us although sometimes for want of carefull diligence it taketh such advantage of us that t is long and difficult ere wee can wind our selves out of the snare therof I say long and difficult ere we can throughly untie those knots of perversenesse and impiety which Sathan when hee gets time and liberty doth cunningly contrive within us Here we may note the wisely-confirm'd maturity of years and better acquaintance wiâ—h the nature of things as it doth helpe forward our continuance in grace in that it becomes longer being made cleane by repentance ere we shall now fall backe into sinne I meane into more grosse and frequent sinnes so likewise it advantageth our continuance in sinne in that it becomes the longer also being in the state of wrath ere wee can be duly reconciled againe by true repentance and the reason hereof without question is chiefly to bee conceived for that ripenesse of age makes nature more solid stiffe and unmoveably set in its course being the right subject of constant seriousnesse and Melancholy as on the other-side youth is vainely wavering and according to the Poet Cereuâ— in vitium slecti c. Like wax that 's quickly wrought to any shape And pliable to any alteration Againe touching the settlednesse of our courses in this spiâ—ituall condition of the soule it is alwayes to be observed that the more unhappily finne doth prevaile over us and the longer it doth continue with us the more we are disheartned and loth to repent by reason that difficulty and bad successe doth daunt the courage and deter from that which easinesse and happy proceeding doe make to delight in thus likewise in other things it is usually seene that hee who thrives delights to be a good Husband prosperity backs on the endeavour and sweetnes a mans labour In like manner also when we have good successe in Religion it makes us the more religious the be ter wee thrive in it the more wee are in love with it that which wee have already quickens the appetite and
whets on the affection with a greater longing having truly tasted how good it is we can with David say Oh how sweet are thy words unto our taste yea sweeter then honey unto our mouth our soule can then handsomly reilish all holy duties and religious exercises and wee doe delight in the performance thereof as in particular the frequenting the Church the hearing of Sermons the holy Law and Testimonies of the Lord doe not now seeme a burden but as a pleasure unto us O Lord me thinkes thy words to us doe shine A sweet direction in the paths divine In receiving the word we can suck out a secret sweetnesse and comfortable benefit there from it becomes nourishable unto us the Rod of Gods justice and the staffe of his mercies bound up together in his booke doe pleasantly lead forth our soules besides the waters of Comfort but specially is our Melancholy soule most in imately affected with such Scripture which presseth home the due understanding of our momentany and mortall Condition and with funerall exercises which more lively set forth the same Salomon saith It is better to goe into the house of mourning c. and he gives the cause for that is the end of all men and the living will lay it to his heart wee shall I say bee thus alwayes apt on such occasions to fix the sad consideration of death most neerly to us and sure mee thinkes there can be no thoughts that doe concerne us more then those of our end of our last day neither can wee bestow any of the time of our life better or to more purpose then in the digging of our Graves I meane the providing for our end for though perhaps wee may live a great deale longer yet verely wee are no men of this world thy grace O Lord hath so removed our affections from these transitory things that with Saint Paul Wee are daily dying in our thoughts and desiring rather to be dissolved and to be with Christ then to live here not waiting expecting and looking for a long continuance upon earth but farre more for a happy departure Life 's not our joy at death 's our chiefest ayme By life wee lose by death wee hope to gaine Also in this prosperity of Religion doe wee alwayes apprehend a more gratious satisfaction in our prayers supplications the spirit of devotion so filleth and fatteth our soule with goodnesse that wee are wont abundantly to rejoyce therein above all other things striving to lift up our soules often in private devotion in so much that if leisure serve wee shall be ready to offer up the incense of our zeale unto God in admiring his mercy setting forth our unworthinesse desiring farther his grace and heavenly benediction to grow stronger and stronger in his feare and love and the like requests and Petitions often times even often times peradventure in a day not only in short ejaculations but even in pretty laâ—ge formes of expression for no sooner doe wee feele the sacred fire of Devotion flaming upwards and aspiring unto heaven but presently wee seriously betake our thoughts to prayer and thanksgiving by the way it may be here considerable whether for our constant devotion in private as morning and evening and the like many short ejaculations are more fit to carry up our affections unto God or otherwise some one long and large continued forme the former way through its often cuttings off being in dangsr to make us degenerate into alazie and forgetfull seldomnesse of praying the latter thorough its tedious continuance into an unadvised dulnesse in praying and therefore not much approving of either betweene both of these two or three moderate formes with an acute and strong winged brevity are me thinkes more convenient to present our cause before the Almighty in an unvariable constancy and in a piously devout apprehension but to keepe on our way Now againe in like manner are we most divinely studious and diligent to make the full benefit and advantage of that time which is properly set apart for Gods service labouring to build up others and to be built up strong in our selves as by hearing exhorting and discoursing with truly pious and religious men rejoycing in this comfortable Communion of Saints I meane the communicating acquaintance and assisting fellowship of our inner man one with another or else againe perhaps more privately managing our soules by reading as in the Bible Practise of Piety Gerrards Meditations or the like by Meditating Consulting and walking with the Almighty in spirituall thoughts ending the Sabbath dayes usually in such high and serious actions occupying our selves in that only which may tend either to improve Knowledge try Faith exercise Charity examine Conscience and the like communing thus as David hath it secretly in our owne hearts in our Chambers and being still quiet from outward perturbations thereby effectually to entertaine these heavenly Guests And therefore duly apprehending this Celestiall happinesse of the mind shal we use to long for the Sabbath before it come preferring it in esteeme above all the other dayes of the week and calling it as in the 58. of Isaiah the thirteenth verse A delight unto us the Holy of the Lord c. accounting the holy rest of this Sabbath here to be a lively Emblem and as it were a taste of that glorious rest in the eternall Sabath hereafter The due frequenting and solemne use of four a clock prayers on Saturdayes afternoone is me thinkes a worthy sweet and seasonable exercise as being an excellent preparation against the Sunday to lay aside the thoughts the cares and busines of our Calling and truly were it generally more observed and taken notice of no doubt Religion might fare far the better for it but sure The Root of evill is the love of Gold And that is it Religion is so cold Because we cannot spare the time from gaine For Heaven therefore we take but little paine To goe on as this irradiating beam of divine grace doth cloath our minds with a light and delight in spirituall things whereby not only our thoughts ate set a worke on purer objects but also our outward behaviour and conversation is ready to do its part too in Religion our tongues not vaine or offensive but ayming their words for the most part to pious and good discourses aptly applying ordinary things in our talke to some godly use or religious observation our feet not swift to go after folly nor our hand dealing with deceit I say as this illuminative beame of divine Grace doth enlighten our thoughts making us full of high and heavenly wisedome in all our wayes so in like manner it warmeth our affection towards others melting the bowels of our compassion into a more then superficiall charitableness and loving mindednesse unto all men whereby with tendernesse we alwayes construe their lives and actions in the better sense and doe sincerely wish pray for and desire even the salvation of every one but specially zealous
of the good of our friends as of our own and therefore are we almost ready with David many times to cry out O Absalom my Sonne my Sonne my Father my Child my Wife my Brother my Friend poore soule would to God I had dyed for thee and as sorrowing so againe rejoycing for no other prosperity so much as for their souls happinesse and that too not so much for any private relation betwixt them and us as for that we know it is most â—cceptable unto God because we doe now verily make an higher account of Gods glory then of our own good and therefore do we as it were bear on our shoulders the care of Gods people heartily praying that all as well as our selves may thus taste and see how gracious the Lord is how full of mercy and compassion so true find we that of Saint Iohn in 1. Epistle the 4. Chapter That he who loveth God must love his neighbour also This is the Touch-stone to a sacred soule Whereby the truth of her Religion 's knowne If that her neighbours griefe she can condole With as due sense as if it were her owne Bonum est sui diffusivum T is the nature of true goodnesse to be willing to have others participate of it sure then he is not really good in himselfe who is nigardly streightned in his bowels of affection towards others but hee who hath perfectly received within himselfe that good which commeth downe from the Father and Fountaine of all Goodnesse cannot but be so full in himselfe in his owne heart that hee must needs run over with a liberall good will and affection of good unto others His Liberality of affection unto others doth also reach ir selfe forth into a godly patience in bearing the injuries wrongs of men we can be reasonable well content to put up these sufferings which the malice of our fellow creatures doth inflict because wee know them to be sent to us by Gods appointment and wee have so much trust and confidence in his love towards us that wee cannot thinke he will suffer any thing to light on us for our hurt with whom wee are so dearely joyned in our inner men beleeving that as he hath sent affliction for our advantage so he will not suffer us to be tempted above what wee shall thorough his mercy be able to undergoe that he wil be sure to have that care of us as to take it away againe in due season when it shall be most convenient for us And here O Lord considering thy diligent care over us in all the dangers and chances of this life wee cannot but truly say O what is man what is man that thou art thus mindfull of him or the Sonne of man that thou visitest him with such abundant of loving kindnesse one would thinke with the Poet that Non vacat exiguis rebus adesse Iovi That then O Lord who art so farre above the earth so farre surpassing that innumerable number of stars in the Heaven the least of which is much bigger then many worlds nay so farre surpassing those Heavens of stars and many millions of Heavens besides even farther then all the capacities of mankind are able any wayes to conceive or imagine one would think I say in humane reason that thou that art so exceeding and infinitly great and glorious should not be at leisure so much as to thinke on such poor atomes such contemptible nothings as we are much lesse to take notice of us with such affection of love O Lord the greatnesse of thy love is not to be imagined We may take notice in our soules experience that the prosperous successe of religion and the long uninterrupted continuance of grace within us as it maketh us bold with God thorough his mercies so it maketh us also humble bold I say not proud although nature bee very frequently apt and endeavouring in us to take too much upon her and to mistake Gods gifts and graces for her own proper powers faculties endowments as bold so I say again it maketh us humble in our own selvs and weaknesse such is the amiable brightnesse of the divine Essence that the more wee apprehend the infinitenesse and purity thereof the more wee seem in our selves to admire to want and to thrist after it and even with unsatiable love to desire perfection for this neerer apprehension of the Almighty who giveth us light more clearely to see the grosnesse and obliquity of our own imperfections whereby with humility we loath and abhorre what we are of our selves so that our least sins in the time of grace seeme greater then our greatest in the time of sinne And therefore doe wee now use at such time with a more then ordinary love and admiration to value Gods blessings at a higher rate our thoughts being full of thankfulnesse for that plenty of goodnesse which at other times perhaps wee can scarce thinke on O Lord if wee consider it thy mercies thy sweet mercies are renewed unto us not only every morning but every moment what minute is there that we are not greatly beholding unto thee O Lord. In that wee live in that wee draw our hreath In that wee are not in eternall death T is all thy mercies as liberty and wealth Our food our rayment and our saving health Thus farre the prosperous gale of Gods favour doth carry us pleasantly on in the course of Religion but when the storme ariseth wee are presently overwhelmed with the boysterous Waves of wrath of lust of distrustfull feare of impatiency and the like so that we were never formerly so blessedly refreshed with that heavenly calme as we are now againe miserably troubled and tossed with this unhappy tempest there is no constancy to be lookt for in this life but specially is our unhappy nature most unconstant to persist in these more divine and sin-forsaking courses it may be we may with sufficient deliberation vow resolve and goe on a while to use such and such means and helps as perchance Fasting Watching or the like for the prevention of our frequent fals and to keepe on in a lesse floating and uncertaine manner in our way to Heaven but alas usually either these courses are quickly left of againe or else they be so dull and lazily performed that the continuance of them is to little purpose so that three or foure moneths at a time is a great while for us to be free men lively and at our owne disposall â— the service of God and then doubtlesse after our old course must we returne with shame like fooles unto the stocks or as saith the Apostle Like the dog unto hiâ— vomit and the Sow unto her wallowing in the mire but now the wonted use and long acquainted experience of sinning in time doth dull the sense of conscience making sinne not to be so strange and fearful a thing unto â—â— as in former times in the minority of our dayes O youth thou thou I say art
are altogether flaming with the distemper'd heat of worldly cares of ambitious projects of lustfull courses of impatioâ—t distractions and the like these things doe freely range abroad in tâ—e mind doe take their pleasure and pastime therein Like School boyes when their Master 's gone away They presently are at their roguish play Iust so when that the Conscience leaves to rule Our thoughts the Devill forthwith keeps the Schoole And because our inside is thus unframed with disorder that wee neglect Religion and leave off the necessary managing and manuring of the soule by repentance sinne by little and little becomes habituall unto us an ordinary and unregarded thing so that in a while Melancholy making the mind more eager and intentivelâ— let in al its courses what either by being drawn to the impatient expectation of what wee would have by feeding our selves with the pleasing fruition of that we doe enjoy or vexing our selves with the feare of what may befall us or with the griefe of that which doth already disaffect us it is so that for the most part there is very little space wherein our phancie is not in action with some one of these such and such like things doe so seriously take up our time and so earnestly employ our thoughts that our minds can hardly get leave at any time to bee at leisure for the common duties of Christianity for when at our necessary opporâ—unities we goe about to reade the Scriptures to meditate on good matters or pray unto the Almighty how exceeding difficult is it for us to draw off our imagination from those other things and set it upon these or if we doe take it off it is but as in haste with a longing to be at them again As also that little praying meditating or reading which we do at any time now employ our selves in doth altogether methinks passe away without any sweetnesse in 't it hath no more relish to us for the most part then even as it were a rotten stick or a thing of nought so superficially doth it slip away on the outside of our souls In every thing 't is the delightful sweet Thereof that doth with our affection meet I say It is the sweetnesse thereof that joyns it closely to the thoughts and unites it to the affections and therefore these duties and the like being so out of relish with us we have but little minde on them we coldly regard them and in a manner wholly neglect them or if peradventure the fashion of the times tend thereunto and that we can smoothly stop up the mouth of truth-knowing Conscience with some daubing satisfaction we may I say we may some of us retain the outside when we have lost the inside we may seem to be delighted with an oral formality when as it is no whit cordial within us like unto shallow brooks that make a great noise with a little water the shadow still continuing with us whilst the substance is stollen away But to go on in that way which is most usual I say The substantial deepnesse of true inward pleasure and delight in divine things being rooted up pulls away with it the outward use of reading meditating and the like so that we are seldom conversant in these things although the liberty of our time give us opportunity for it never so conveniently for it is to be noted a truely willing minde can finde out shreds enough of time to bestow in that way even in the busiest and most industrious Calling And as for that more excellent gift of the Spirit Prayer that Princely Diadem amongst all heavenly graces from whence all other divine blessings do borrow some lustre and advantage how far is the familiar acquaintance thereof gone from our souls when as all our private devotion is now posted off to the publike and that also so slenderly and coldly performed by us that the practice thereof is held on it may be rather for fashion sake then devotion more with the motion of our lips then with the affection of the heart following the publike exercise rather for fear of shame and reproach I say rather to keep touch and turn with the common Custome then out of any religious care or good will thereunto for though the Sabbath be but once a week yet shall we most times be then glad if occasion bee handsomly offer'd us to ' bide at home and omit that duty It is too wet or else it is too cold And we can pray even as well here as there These poor excuses they are quickly told When as God knows we pray not any where Again as Prayer so the Hearing of the Word is as much neglected by us or as ill used when we now sit at Sermons it is more perchance with a censorious ear like Moderatours to give judgement and passe our opinion rather then as diligent Auditours with humble hearts to receive instruction If the Preacher doth but meanly perform his exercise we are then ready to slight it as a thing belowe us and not worth our heeding but if he go beyond us in his Learning and good parts we are on the other side peradventure disconted in our selves for that he exceedeth the reach of our capacity and qualification for lo we feel and finde as in this so in all other things it is worth observation we finde I say that Nature is always so partial unto it self that it is never thorowly pleased and fully contented except every thing succeed to the setting up of it selfe and its owne advancement and therefore that it hath got the advantage it taketh its full selfe-contenting pleasure and recreation without controle diverting the whole course of our thoughts words and actions to serve its turne herein yet for although conscience hath lost its prevayling command within us neverthelesse it ceaseth not ever and anon to give us a call and perhaps amidst our chiefest and securest sinnes awaken us with a deep touching item and remembrance of our selves but onely flashing up our eyes wee fall asleep againe and thus act on the story Navita de ventis de tauris narrat arator Enumer at miles vulnera pastor oves The Plowman of his oxe The Ship-man tels his mind The Shepherd keeps his sheepe The Souldier wounds in mind Every one saith the Poet thinks and talkes most of that which hee hath most to doe with and doth most affect and here nature principally begins to play her part and shew her affection our selfe accusing and impatient mind cannot abide the rehearfall of miseries unhappinesse and affliction the hideous newes of such things is too rough for our tender thoughts to meddle with whatever come of it hereafter we must by all meanes put off for the present as farre as may be from us that day of the Lord and righteous retribution of his most just vengeance againe also the deadnesse of heart maketh our soule to loath abhorre and leave off to hear and speak of holy and pious subjects
as the dispraise of vice the commendation of vertue the maner and means of Mortification of Sanctification of our Redemption and the like snuffling away all such matters if it be possible into other discourse because we feele our hearts so dead and rotten inward that these things doe nothing else but secretly speake the Condemnation and shame of our owne lives and therefore when as out of the abundance of the heart as saith our Saviour the mouth speaketh therefore I say on the other side our thoughts being alwaye for the most part vainly and outwardly disposed our delight is to be talking of vanity all the day long to be asking after and telling of newes whereby to claw our idle phansie with or it may be questioning how rich others be what condition they are in how they doe thrive and the like our Melancholy thoughts mainly labouring with emulation against others and such verily is alwayes the rivality and inward striving betwixt equals or those that be neer equals in the same kind that sure I cannot thinke that it is a quality much lesse then naturall unto all mankind so to contend in affectation of desire this emulation was there amongst the Patriarks when they sold Ioseph and amongst the Apostles when they vie'd who should be the greatest and thus our minds being so wholly set on earthly things and things of this world it is seldome that we can thinke upon those men that are in a little better prosperity then our selves but with the eye of envious emulation counting it as so much the worse for us and an eye-sore to our state and reputation that they goe beyond us and againe taking it as it were somewhat the better for us and applauding our selves in content therewith if they fall out and appeare to be somewhat under the condition that we our selves are in thus as wee doe enviously thinke that too much which our successefull neighbours have and enjoy and swell after their happinesse with indignation at our owne so also are we many times unhappy in our own happinesse without any comparison at all or in respect of others but meerly in our selves and in regard of our owne bottomlesse desires thinking all too little that we have although we do not think of any that have more just as the Poet in a similitude of covetous men Quo plus sunt potae plus sitiuntur aquae The more they drink the more they are athirst so may we truely say of our selves in the words of the Prophet Habakkuk Chap. 3 We enlarge our desire as hell and as death which cannot be satisfied What we have already methinks serves but as the sawce to set an edge to the stomack to receive more as if we had a consuming Wolf in our brest or those two daughters of the Horsleech which Solomon speaks of in Prov. 30 which have no other language but continual crying out Give give more still and yet more and yet no content He is not rich whose minde doth keep him poor He onely hath enough that seeks no more Nay farther our apprehension is apt to be so subtilly deluded with this vice that as if avarice were a vertue we shall be ready to think and say of any one that is an hard and unreasonably-neer man in his dealings and commerce with others and that will stand out for the utmost farthing in every thing though it be never so justly due and to be yeelded unto of such a one I say who hath cunningly learnt to oppresse the poor man by the advantage of his necessity we shall be ready thus to think and say I warrant he is wise enough he will look to himself he will not be fool'd of his goods taking his example as a lawful patern for us to imitate But of one that is a conscionable honest and plain-dealing man that will not stand so eagerly nor practise such policie for gain we are likely to judge him as an easie fool and not wise enough to live in the world But O alas one day one day peradventure we shall see that the wisedom of this world is foolishnesse with God acknowledging our mistake herein as they did who once said in the sorrowful conviction of their souls We fools counted this mans life this quiet honest mans life madnesse and his end to be without honour but see how is he numbred amongst the children of God and his lot is amongst the Saints therefore have we erred When the soul having forsaken God begins to go alone and to trust to its own strength so full do we presently grow with superfluity of outward Sense and humane Wisedom that be we never so lightly toucht with any thing which seems to waste and decay our temporal subsistence if once our Egyptian staff this confidence on outward things never so little begin to crack how are we ready to fall inâ—o utter despair Sure we cannot continue with such a charge we cannot hold out long in such losses or expences our narrow hearts Nabal-like grunting and grumbling for fear that we shall not have enough for our selves to live by O thou unhappie soul of man in all distresses doubts and calamities What patience or comfort canst thou have Who trustest in such things that cannot save Now and then like prisoners within the Grate we may look out into the fresh air and see the golden happinesse of the day though we cannot get out and enjoy it we shall peradventure now sometimes think upon Repentance and gaze afar off on the joyful condition of the soul desiring that we could be delivered from this bondage of sin nay and it may be we do also strive somewhat and endeavour our thoughts thereunto but alas it takes no firm holdfast in our brests it goes not thorow the heart nor seriously to the quick as it should but suddenly it passeth away again without effect or if it doth take any hold in us it is very momentany of short continuance obscured quickly with the clouds of sinne and altogether forgotten for let us know that Conscience even in the freest and fullest pursuite of sin is many times so reall and urgent with us that it will not be sleighted but either by excusing our selves by mitigating the nature of sinne by a seeming repentance or the like we must needs give it some content though it be but as a meere dulusion for the time and to no purpose at all but I prosecute the patterne of our intention in like manner as Melancholy joyned with solitary privacy is wont to make good Meditations in the time of grace take the deeper root in nature so likewise it being united with a retired solitarinesse maketh evill thoughts in the time of sinne much more stubbornely to persist within us cleaving a great deale the faster to our apprehension and fixing a farre sore impression in our soules Sad Melancholy is truly then in kind When silence locks the closet of the mind Then doth mischiefe take greatest
turn us unto a due serious repenting or sufficiently to rouze us up out of the unhappie Lethargie of sin and therefore sure God is now whetting his sword and bending his bowe against us As Lazrâ—â— in his grave so we have been in our trespasses and sins so long dead even stark dead unto all goodnesse that we had need be call'd unto elatâ voce as it is in the Eleventh of Saint John with a loud voice if God mean that we shall effectually hear him Dangerous diseases deserve desperate cures If nothing else can thorowly awake us the Judgement of a troubled minde and tormented Conscience must do it But when once it comes to passe that the Almighty sheweth forth his wonders in the deep his mighty strength after this manner in the deep thoughts of mans heart O what a sharp fit and tedious bout must we undergo for saith Solomon The spirit of maâ— may sustain his infirmity but a wounded spirit who can bear Not Job 's afflictions nor yet all those ten Egyptian plagues can parallel agen The misery that that poor soul is in Whom heav'n doth strike with terrour for his sin Any outward crosse or trouble is tolerable and may be sustained but the inner trouble of a distracted minde and wounded Conscience who can bear You may note that though the minde and Conscience be toucht with many secret terrours and perplexed difficulties in the course and passage of this life according to that of David concerning himself Even from my youth up thy terrours have I suffered with a troubled minde I say There be in the soul of man many tormenting thoughts as also sins of ours and sayings of Scripture often too hard for us well to digest but this ensuing Passage of a distracted minde and troubled Conscience is seldom parallel'd For lo I shall herein shew you a Mystery even welnigh the very height and utmost pitch of Terrour and sad Distraction that the melancholy minde can undergo without falling quite into Fury and Madnesse which doth fitly follow this more then ordinary ill course of life here presupposed and so long a sleep in presumption For this is the right Method in the state of the soul before such great trouble of minde there usually precedes a deep sleep in Presumption because the minde and Conscience can never be very much inwardly troubled it may suffer some small distresse I say never be much troubled as long as fear the watchman of the soul keeps his due centry And therefore this is the true wisedom of a careful Christian diligently to keep this watch about him lest he be overtaken besotted and engaged in sin and so then the day of the Lord come upon him like a thief in the night I say the day of the Lord the day of his Judgement a day of gloominesse and thick darknesse a day of trouble and distraction of minde even such a day as is exprest in the next Part wherein the Lord thundreth from heaven with his mighty power against the soul of man Of the Soul troubled in Conscience WEll the troubles and terrours before spoken of in the precedent part in reference to these that follow and are now at hand are but as S. Matthew saies of those troubles that shall go before the day of Judgement the beginning of sorrowes I say the beginning of sorrow they are like the scattering drops which fall before a shower and O now the shower it self begins to fall apace a terrible shower and most violent storm such a one as David speaks of in Psal 11. vers 6. where he saith Vpon the wicked be shall raine snares fire and brimstone and an horrible tempest this shall be their portion to drinke For now our minds and bodies being perhaps more properly made fit for that purpose I say the rather fitted thereunto as either by occasion of the leisure and vacancy of the mind or also by the like concurring occasion of strong melancholly vapours in the body or other diseased disturbance Though fin only be the procuring cause yet these or some of these are usually the present occasions which mainly help it forward we quickly fall into an exceeding dumpishnesse of mind and even in a short space our fancy is followed with swarmes of tormenting thoughts in so extraordinary a manner that we cannot tell what to doe they come so thick one upon another and are impious in so high a degree that the dismall and hellish terrour thereof doth quite dull and take off our sences There is for the most part no one houre all day long but that we are haunted with them as with so many hideous ghosts insomuch that usually do what we can nothing will put them from our mind or give us the least ease and respit from this misery Intentions still our mind gets no reliefe At all from this tormâ—nting inward griefe Those thoughts they are such black thoughts most of them so infinitely fearfull so unspeakable heynous that they do make us extreamly to shake with feare and put us many times in such a trembling that we are as it were fainting with the deep agony and anguish thereof they do so subtilly shoot into our imagination that for our lives we cannot with all our strength and endeavour shut them out or so much as mitigate the violence of them they are even as the piercing lightning which cannot be withstood For least your understanding should be mistaken it is to be noted that those thoughts not as yet spoken of are more of a darting then a reflecting nature To go on they are as so many terrifying Haggards and hellish ghosts unto us that do even make us shrinke for feare as often as we do but think upon them or so much as take the least glimpse thereof into our apprehension and then as soon as we are thus never so little afraid they will sure come upon us and that the more fiercely too fear giving any adversary advantage to have the greater power over us The manner of being affrighted herewith many times is as when some extraordinary thunderclap on the sudden strikes a man with so violent a terrour that his heart is even as they say out of his mouth therewith the passion whereof is able to be in such an excesse that it doth even stun our sences for the time making us as quite sick with the amazement of it What shall I say No mortall tongue can â—hew Those fearfull terrors which our mind doth know It is said indeed in the sixth Chap. of Genesis that every imagination of the thoughts of mans heart are onely evill continually But O these and the like thoughts as I may say even sent from Hell into the soul of man are so beyond measure unreasonably evill that we shall many times think to our selves think it I say to be a thing almost impossible that man as a meer man and being only in the mortall condition of humanity should be capable of entertaining such
how it is possible for us to come into Gods favour any more Our wound of Conscience is se deep 't is sure So deep me thinks that it is past all cure Thus we hang in suspense betwixt hope and feare least that it be not possible for us to be saved and then snall we be very earnest and diligent to search out after such books if we can read which handle matter of conscience and to peruse them as perchance Master Greenbam Master Perkins Master Bolton and the like to see whether we can find any likelihood that ever any have been in the like wretched state before us or affected with such trouble and distraction in the same nature and when perchance we do finde but little or nothing whereby to conjecture that others formerly have been in such a case then verily me thinks there is no hopes for us no body was ever in such a desperate danger and therfore we must needs be damned But if peradventure we read or hear of any that have been somwhat neer alike affected as we are whose inward trouble doth resemble the manner and fashion of ours it doth revive us with a little comfort and satisfaction That only doth give us most ease of any thing That and nothing but that doth afford some refreshing to our weary and distressed souls Well having as I say before brought up our sins out of the abisse of long oblivion and as Enders Witch did Samuels person or personated Ghost So having raised up the true representation of these ugly ghosts to our sad remembrance we labour by grieving and sighing for perhaps we can hardly weep at first though we doe much force our selves to it I say by sighing by fasting and prayer to bring our mis-happen and untowardly distempered souls to apply and conforme to some lively penance and sensible remorse for our wretchednesse we do now suffer no difficulty to withdraw us from this necessary work of dejection but do keep our selves at Schoole to it by force for though we do grieve and sorrow not a little for our sins yet still being in this case as we are it seemeth to us not enough it pierceth not to the depth of our offences we must yet do penance in further humiliation this then compulsive and violent urging our selves to sorrow for sin together with the troubled thoughts of our mind and conscience in a while breeds in us perchance a constant custome and habit of sighing so that we shall often ever and anon interrupt our breath with sighs when we are altogether so untoward and out of all order in our minds that we can do nothing else nor pray nor read nor consider nor meditate as we should then shall we force our selves to sigh this we can do and this perchance is all that we can do and this with the continued use thereof doth at length so spend our spirits and dry up the naturall moysture of our bodies that it maketh our countenances for the most part look with a very pale and sorrowfull dejection according to what Salomon saith a merry heart maketh a theerfull countenance so our sorry heart maketh us a sad countenance our beauty is quite gone for very trouble and worne away because of all our iniquities and though for all we are thus unreasonably tortured with these close fretting troubles and such continuall anguish of mind yet a good while upon the first beginning of our trouble it is the nature of us all to strive howsoever to keep it as much as may be very secret and private unto our selves for that we are ashamed and loath that any should be acquainted with what an unhappy case we are in but we shall usually with the grief thereof go about so solicitarily so moopish and look so ill and perchance starvinglâ— too as if we were drunken or distracted that our friends cannot but observe the unwonted state and behaviour of us Each one may read the story of our case In the sad tokens of a silent face Such earnest trouble and intention of Hannab's mind made old Ely take notice of her as if she had been drunken who answereth No my Lord I am a woman of a sorrowfull spirit And though perchance for a while we shall be loath to give such an answer and tell the truth to our friends or others who are ready to demand what the matter is with us why we look or sigh so what doth aâ—le us and the like yet in time this grief is so intolerable that it must needs have its vent for strangulat inclusus dolor any grief by its keeping close doth rage the worse Gods heavy hand is so strong upon us there is no concealing of it long the weary and restlesse condition we are in makes us in the end not to care who knows it or to whom it be told so that we might but find any help or ease thereof for perhaps we are so exceedingly tired out with this trouble that there is not so much as the least rest or intermission at all unto our minds neither day nor night whilst we awake we think out whilst we sleep we dream out and we are interrupted with tumblings and tossings even all the night long the mind never ceaseth from its trouble when we are in company let there be what businesse or discourse soever in hand we are amoâ—ost them as those that are quite stunned and amazed in our sences no otherwise affected then if we did neither see nor hear them our mind being alwaies working and musing upon its inward grief and when we are private by our selves either what through the agony of evill and tormenting thoughts and what with plodding on the heynousnesse of our sins and generall course of our life or by being terrified and dismayed with certain difficult Texts and passages of Scripture our mind and conscience is in a constant agitation at no rest Lo there 's a fin that to the heart doth wound And here 's a thought that strikes us to the ground With sâ—â—ouning fear And then a Text again Buries that soul which those before bad sluin I say when we are in private and so forth for our desolate and sorsaken soul delighteth as David did in the 102. Psalm to sit alone by her self like an Owl that is in the desert or like a Sparrow upon the house top thus being alone toyled in misery and snarld in perplexity that we cannot tell what to do we shall kneel down in our chamber or elswhere and by urging our selves to tears in a while gush out a bundantly in our prayers for though it be difficult for a full grown and middle age to dissolve their grief into tears yet in such cases as this it is usuall and then most of us when once we do thus bring our selves into an use and custome of weeping we do seldome pray at any time without tears desiring to weep often and often in private when we cannot pray as we would for
and conversation here whilest they were upon earth accounting highly of them as holy and blessed Saints with a most reverend respect of their deeds and sayings and making much reckoning and esteem of whatsoever was theirs and belonged unto them Our serious thoughts do Canonize their fame With the remembrance of a sacred name And as Ioseph in the last of Genesis fell upon his dead fathers face wept upon him and kissed him so do we fall upon the blessed remembrance of our forefathers not with a little affection of respect weeping upon them and kissing them with an holy love and reverence of mind After this manner the Antients in Scripture seem to expresse their speciall reguard to the pions antiquity of their friends departed in using to say The God of Abraham of Isaac and of Iacob as if they would intimate their piety and devout affection to be the more unto him because he was their fathers God But O the strange effects of Melancholly in this diseased state of the soul our affections are now over-weeningly moved with every thing often times by reason of the usuall passion of the heart we are so weakened in the ordinary power and ability of nature that we shall even as weakly and childishly shrinke in our selves and be affraid of any thing as is the sucking child that lies in its mothers arms Againe somtimes our conceipt doth so much deifie the respect of holy things persons and places and we stand so far off from them in reverence of mind that we dare not draw neer as it were to touch so much as the very hemme or outside thereof In like manner many times the common splendor of the Sky and Element thorough the habituall terrour and consternation of our mind seemeth too bright for us nay our spirits are usually so much taken off therewith that we cannot abide to lift up our eyes to behold the lustre of it the seeing and hearing of divers ordinary things now and then puts us into such strange turmoyles and distempered fits of mind that it is most wonderfull to imagine it In many of us the evill thoughts and disturbances of our fancy do at length multiply into a greater and greater variety and we become full of all sorts of vaine and tormenting imaginations whatsoever almost savours of either rebellion against God or the despairing state of soul or body it is a chance but one time or other it comes into ourheads besides at length perchance many fooleries of mind and frivolous whimsies which verily at this time do not a little trouble and disturbe us amongst the rest when this trouble of mind and Conscience continues with us long it is so altogether tedious and irksome that we shall many a time turne thus our thoughts within our selves Lord how shall we hold out in this case Will this trouble continue with us as long as we live Shall we alwaies abide this Hell upon earth We have sometimes emboldened our selves to hope and hope againe to attaine some quieter temper of mind and more contentfull condition all is we see utterly in vaine we shall sure never enjoy comfort any more Alas this is a miserable thing O shall we never see an end of this O never never this doth cut the heart This never ah so strange a word it is It kills us with a never dying smart Verily me thinks it is altogether in vaine for us to expect any end hereof we shall never be otherwise for as he that is cast upon the Sea and when he listetn up his head to swim out is presently knockt down againe that he must needs be drowned so even so it seems to be with us we are cast upon this sea of trouble and despaire and when we do but even begin to lift up our heads with the least hope of amendment then presently do these despairing doubts and amazing thoughts strike us down againe that it is no remedy but we must needs be drowned drowned for ever and go down to Hell and the Grave in this misery Our day is gone our joyes departed qnite Our Sun is set in everlasting night This Similitude of being drowned after that we have been long in this case doth so well fit us that it will or perchance some such like often come into our minds and therefore being as we suppofe in this remedilesse condition out of all hope of being setled in mind againe and being shut out as it were from the joy of the living and never like to re-attaine the common hope of all men the possibility of salvation therefore as I say being thus forsaken wretches monsters of men and marked out for Hell we neglect all care of our selves our desolate and quite comfortlesse souls hardly giving us leave to take any use of the Creatures not so much as regarding our necessary Cloaths the dressing our selves our Victuals or any thing we are unworthy O unworthy to tread on the ground our hearts are so much smitten down and even withered like Grasse thâ—t we forget to eat our bread our tears are now become our meat and drink in this day of trouble and peradventure almost every night we water our beds with the abundance of them Thou hast broken O Lord thou hast broken our hearts with grief O remember that we poor wretches are but Grasse and wilt thou pursue the dry stubble Sometimes it may be we shall be so farre dejected with a Dove-like solitarinesse of mind that we are even upon a resolution to exclude our selves wholly out of the society of men to be private and alone still continually to keep our Chamber or the like and never to go abroad in company any more thinking what shall we do abroad to meddle or make with any thing who are thus as it were dead men and out of the common condition of men we will set up our expectation therefore only now to wait and look for out end we will do nothing else that shall be our whole businesse as it was lobs in his 14. Chapter when he said All the dayes of mine appointed time will I wait and do nothing else but wait till my change come thus I say we are shut up from the joy of life and like David in the 88. Psalm Free even altogether free among the dead like unto them that be wounded and lye in the Grave which be out of remembrance and are cut away from thy hand thou hast laid us verily as in the lowest pâ—t in a place of darknesse and in the deep thine indignation lyeth hard upon us and thou hast vexed us with all thy stormes Many times is our apprehension so dangerously out of joynt and contrary to all good duties especially most of all when we are at Church when we are going to the publike Service of God receiving the Sacrament or the like that we shall ruminate thus in our minds amongst all the rest of our unhappinesses how much do we dishonour God to come to this