that Jesus Christ had dyed for me I besought the Lord by earnest prayer that he would be pleased to spare me for I found my self to be very unfit for death I made Promâ—ses to the Lord that if he did please to spare me I would lead a new life and did resolve to walk more close to my God The Lord was pleased in mercy to hear my Prayer and grant this request and spare me a while longer to serve him in the land of the living But notwithstanding my promises and the great deliverance the Lord had wrought for me in keeping me back from Hell and the Grave I had soon forgotten all I began to love the world again and lived as vainly as before But the Lord smote my conscience and sorely troubled my spirit for this backsliding putting me in mind of the promises I had made to him in my sickness With great bitterness of heart and grief of Soul I mourned for my failings and did again resolve for the time to come to keep more close to God and set a watch over my heart But the more I looked into my heart the more vile I saw my self to be and was greatly troubled that I had so often played the hypocrite with my God I again besought the Lord by prayer that he would be pleased for Jesus Christ his sake to forgive all my sins and backslidings which I then was grieved for with loathing more than ever before My conscience was so wounded and my Soul cast down in so great a conflict that my spirits were almost dryed up and my heart began to grow weary and faint with crying and groaning after my Saviour Yet the Lord was pleased to humble me still more and more and to try me further as gold is tryed in the fire And my afflictions were doubled upon me by Satans malice who tempted me with evil thoughts which was grievous to my Soul When I had prayed with a troubled spirit as well as I could the Devil put thoughts into my mind quite contrary to the frame of a praying spirit When I had read the word of God he tempted me with doubts and questions touching some things therein whether it was truth or not And Satan followed his temptations so close upon me that as soon as the Lord had inabled me to repulse one temptation the Devil assaulted me with another so that I had scarce time to fetch my breath one temptation followed so close upon another Being troubled much in my spirit in this condition I was tempted to discontent that the Lord had not taken away these Temptations from me and in anger fell into some great passions even near unto desperation And I was sorely busseted by the Devil in this my lowest extremity who assaulted me with fresh temptations of blasphemous thoughts touching God so that when in the bitterness of my Soul I was seeking after Jesus Christ and had named God he would put into my mind the objects of the brute Creatures and even whilst I was pouring out my Soul to the Creator and was pleading a promise he brought a curse to my thoughts Thus was I repulsed in all duties by Satans terrifying my Soul to perswade me that it was in vain for me to seek for Salvation because I had committed the sin against the Holy Ghost which God by his word hath declared shall never be forgiven neither in this World nor in the World to come because I was discontented that the Lord after all my addresses to him had not delivered me from all my troubles But the Lord gave me strength to resist Satan and say in the bitterness of my Soul to my God far be it from me O Lord to be offended with thee And the Lord wrought this resolution in my Soul that I did protest before the Lord that although I should see nothing but Hell before me yet I would trust in him and stay my self upon my God until he pleased to send me deliverance I made my case known to a dear friend who gave me some comfort he told me that the sin against the Holy Ghost was to sin wilfully by perpetual despite against God I found a clear testimony in my conscience that I was so far from despiting the Spirit of grace that I had not sinned willingly against God for I found it to be an affliction to me to be rempted with evil thoughts touching the Lord tho' I consented not to them and I found my Soul grieved that I could not be freed from them And then with abundance of tears by often prayers and supplications to the Throne of Grace I poured forth my sinful Soul at the foot-stool of Gods mercy exalting free grace and pleading the unspeakable riches of the mercies of God that would appear in the conversion of such a sinner as I had been Methoughts it seemed to exalt Gods mercy and to be one of the greatest manifestations of free grace in the world to be to the great glory of the Lord and unspeakable comfort of my poor Soul if he would be pleased to bring me to himself Now when by the Divine power of God my heart was thus resolved to trust in him and to wait upon him then the Lord was pleased to shew me to my comfort the example of Jesus Christ who had no sin in himself yet he was tempted of the Devil And likewise of Paul how Satan sent sent a messenger to buffet him who then prayed unto God and the Lord said my grace is sufficient for thee my power is made known in thy weakness Then I began to be comforted and to think if Christ himself was tempted if the children of God who had been eminent examples had lain under temptations and the Lord according to his promises had strengthned and delivered them there was hope for me And the Lord wrought faith in my heart to believe that he would strengthen me and keep me that I should not perish for ever And I have since found great consolation in many promises which the Lord hath revealed in his Word which I have pleaded before him some of which follow Isaiah 50.10 Who is among you that feareth the Lord and obeyeth the voice of his Servant that walketh in darkness and hath no light let him trust in the name of the Lord and stay upon his God I applyed this promise thus I had walked in darkness and saw no light but God had wrought in my heart to fear him and a willingness to obey my Savâ—our and a resolution to trust in the name of the Lord therefore I knew it was not in vain to stay my self upon my God And Matth. 12.20 It is said by Christ A bruised reed shall he not break and smoaking flax shall he not quench till he send forth judgment unto victory The Lord having broken and bruised me in the sense of sin and drawn forth my heart to rely upon him I believed that he would in the end give me victory through
especially I was given much to impatiency for which my Husband had often reproved me But still I went on in my sin being not sensible of my sad condition therein until I came into England After which this Sermon of Mr. T. did much humble me and wrought upon my heart a very great sense of my sins And I was afraid that I had committed the sin of Blasphemy against God as Job said his children perhaps had done some way or other because I had sometimes cursed some body or something that had angred me and in passion rapt out sometimes at Oath many nights I watered my bed with my tears about it and went to Mr. VVest a Minister near Liverpoole and other godly people who used such means as God led them forth to for my comfort but I was still afflicted in my Soul about the space of three weeks and then I found much comfort being perswaded by good counsel to trust in God which I did and was heartily sorry for my sins And then my Husband was troubled in mind himself and the Lord made me an instrument to comfort him as well as I could But about five months after he had abundance of joy and comfort and expected death saying that he was perswaded he should be killed and so presently after he was setled in his mind it fell sadly out For the Enemy took Liverpool and killed my Husband and a child both before my face and stript and wounded me and a child of five years old and it was thought I could not live And this was a strong tryal and I was much tempted my senses me thought were going from me and my heart I thought would have rent in pieces yet I prayed and the Lord heard me I thought it was too much for me to bear But I remembred my Saviours words He that will not forsake Father or Mother or Sister or Brother or Husband or Child for Christ is not worthy of him and I desire to give glory to his name I consider that I must part with all for Christ I strove hard against my own weakness and my heart said that God was just in all his dealings with me I thought when I had considered of it that I did but suffer as an evil doer my self but our cause was Gods and our Enemies Popish Rebels Paul was ready not only to suffer but to dye at Jerusalem for the name of Christ so I took it patiently giving glory to God and believing that God who â—us come so near me would not forsake me I was assured with much joy that the Lord would bring me to himself and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Child and a little Daughter in a Barn where we were put having got a piece of an old Bible and then and since I have found much settledness in my faith from several Promises of the Lord revealed in his holy Word some of which follow John 15.7 If ye abide in me and my words abide in you ye shall ask what you will and it shall be done unto you I trust in God never to depart from his word and therefore hope to find comfort in the end and do find comfort in the way in that Christ abideth with me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled Though the Lord hath thus emptyed me of some worldly comforts yet he hath given me an hungring and thirsting Soul after himself and therefore I laid hold of this promise of blessedness as made so me Matth. 15.28 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest It this I have been and still am much comforted in the greatest afflictions that God hath laid upon me in whom alone is true rest And as further testimonieâ— of my love to God and evidences of my faith I have these comfortable inferences which speak much peace to my Soul 1. My love to God and Christ is more than to all things in the World 2. I find a great difference in my affections to God and to the World and the things thereof so that my Children which of all worldly things are most hear and dear to me yet if God should take them from me I could freely give them 3. I find the Spirit striving against the flesh so that when I heard Dr. Holmes speaking of that still voice which a Believer hears aâ— it were from the Spirit it did so inlarge my heart that for joy and great comfort it made me weep through the influence of the Spirit sensibly then upon my heart and so at other times also I find much comfort in the Spirit of God which is my greatest joy 4. I do rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances and apply what I hear to my self as well as I can and when I hear any thing against any evil that I can apply to my self the Lord draws forth my heart frequently to pray to God that I may do nothing that may displease him And I thank my God I find a full willingness in desire and affection to submit to every truth of Jesus Christ 5. When I hear comforts spoken of that concern me I am so joyful that it fills my heart and sometimes fetches tears from mine eyes as particularly when Master M. said That afflictions were a testimony of Gods love to his people as Lazarus was forely afflicted and dearly beloved 6. Since I heard Mr. B. and others as also suitable to my condition several things laid open by Mr. W. in some cases of Conscience I have been much affected to settle my self so by the power of Christ that I may find peace in my conscience in all things before I dye and have made it my chief business and have found comfort in the meetings of godly people 7. I bless the name of the Lord my affections are loving to the people of God and I know I love them dearly and my heart riseth to hear them spoken against I had rather bear reproaches my self than than see any one of them wronged or suffer 8. I desire as to live with God in glory in Heaven so to lead my life to his glory here on Earth in grace according to the rule of his holy Word and the examples of the Saints therein expressed and I could heartily wish were it possible that I might never sin more And I have I bless God a clear discerning through the power of the Spirit of Grace that the Gospel is the Word of truth to Salvation 9. When I come before the Lord I see nothing but emptiness in my self and therefore trust in the fulness of Christ in whose power and Spirit I find much comfort and desire always that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that may never be taken away from me for of my self I can do nothing but through Christ if he abide in me and I in him I shall do all things M.
W. XVI Experiences of I. I. VVHen I was in the midst of my wealth and worldly enjoyments I was vain covetous and wholy had my heart taken up with the things of the World little or nothing minding the things of God or thinking of a change but went on in presumption putting the evil day far off minidng only for the present what pleased the flesh untill about eight years since I had many outward crosses befell me and was in some want and then being under that dispensation I was much troubled and full of grief I sought to the Lord and begged deliverance from my afflictions and distresses as to outward wants but had not an heart to consider what was the cause or to seek out the mind of God in it until I heard Dr. Holmes shewing sin to be the cause of all our crosses The consideration hereof did come close unto my spirit and I had a clear conviction of my vanity and foolish doting on worldly things which had justly provoked the Lord I hope for my good to lay those crosses upon me which though they were for a time bitter yet God hath since sweetned But my sorrow was then doubled and I was dejected not only for my outward crosses but more especially for my carnal heart and vain conversation whereby I had stirred up the anger of the Lord against me I went to the Ordinances hoping to find comfort from the Word but the weight of my sins and my sufferings so pressed me down that I found much heaviness My sins especially lay heavy upon me and I saw little hope of comfort yet the Lord was pleased to work in my heart a loathing of sin as well as trouble for the affliction it had brought upon me But about a year since I heard Master W. prove by Scripture in a Sermon very effectual to my comfort that those who have been the greatest of sinners if they do heartily and really repent and turn to God by faith in Christ and lead a new life the Lord will receive them to mercy Hereupon I argued with my Soul that though I had been a great sinner yet the Lord had brought my heart to a loathing of those sins I loved and of all sins and to turn to the Lord and sincerely to desire to serve him That therefore there was hope of mercy for me I heard Mr. W. Mr. M. and others and frequented divers meetings where I found much comfort Those several places of Scripture in which I chiefly found comfort from the Promises of God are Matth. 11.28,29,30 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Take my yoke upon you and learn of me for I am meek and lowly in heart and ye shall find rest unto your Souls for my yoak is easie and my burden light This made me to hope that as the Lord hath given me an heavy heart laden with the sense of sin so Christ Jesus will give me comfort for in the 12 verse of the same Chapter it is said a bruised reed shall he not break and and smoaking flax shall he not quench And though I had dishonoured Christ yet I had not blasphemed the Holy-ghost and therefore had incouragement to believe from the words of Christ Luke 12.10 Whosoever shall speak a word against the Son of Man it shall be forgiven him but unto him that Blasphemeth against the Holy Ghost it shall not be forgiven I was comforted to wait upon the Lord in hope because he had humbled my Soul and opened mine eyes to see mercy offered to me and this was strengthend from that example Lament 30.20 to verse 26. My Soul hath them still in remembrance and is humbled in me This I recall to mind therefore have I hope It is the Lords mercy that we are not consumed because his compassions fail not They are new every morning Great is thy faithfulness the Lord is my portion saith my Soul therefore will I hope in him The Lord is good unto them that wait for him to the Soul that seeketh him I was much incouraged from hence to seek the Lord and hope in his mercy My conscience told me I was a great sinner and deserved death and Hell but my hope was in God and strengthened from that promise Ezek. 18.21,22,23 If the wicked will turn from his sins that he hath committed and keep all my Statutes and do that which is lawfull and right he shall surely live he shall not dye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him In the righteousness that he hath done he shall live Have I any pleasure at all that the wicked shall dye saith the Lord God and not that he should turn from his ways and live And the Lord was pleased to put into my spirit a very great resolution to serve him for the time to come and I praise my God I have had since much joy in duties of Piety and much sweetness from the Word of God and goldly Ministers I have no desire to enjoy the pleasures and vanities of the World as I have done but my heart now takes delight in God and communion with his people and the Lord hath given me an heart in discern a beauty and desirableness in the ways of God which are more joyful to me now than ever sin was formerly and when I come at the Ordinances I often find and feel such heavenly refreshments from the Lord upon my heart that it makes me exceeding full of joy There is such a love upon my heart to God that I dare not willingly offend him in any thing I rejoyce to hear his name spoken of and his glory exalted And I find a very great affection drawn by the power of God from my heart to such as seem to be his people J. J. XVII Experiences of E. C. ABout nine years agoe at the Birth of a Child I had very great temptations of destroying ing my self and have had oftentimes a knife put into my hand to do it so that I durst not be left by my self alone and when I had considered what the causes might be my Conscience did hint most my neglecting of duties which I had many opportunities to have performed they being the Ordinances of God Thus I continued till two years agoe I buryed a Child which was a very great trouble to me to part with and then was I more fully convinced of sin which caused my burthen to be the greater so that I could seldom have any other thoughts but of desperation but the Lord kept me by his great mercy so that sometimes I could pray with devotion and discern the Lord to remove this great trouble from me I did plainly find that those great temptations were very much lessened which was a very great comfort unto my spirit but yet this still was upon me that I could read the Promises but I found none of them to belong to me
〈◊〉 destroy my self and my poor Child and cryed out unto God Lord what wilt thou have me to do and had a fore conflict at that time with the Devil but me thought at last I heard the Lord say to my Soul as he did to Paul Trust in me my grace is sufficient for thee And then I found some comfort which inlarged my heart through the assistance of Gods Spirit to call upon the name of the Lord for further assistance and comfort and so I went back again with much joy believing that I should have the favour of God And the Lord put it into my mind to go to one E. B. that dwelt by a Moor side near Leeds whom I knew was a godly Woman and she opened to me the troubles of David and Job and gave me sweet comfort saying God was by me and I did not see him and as Job wished so she wrought upon my heart to wish O that I could see him O that I could behold him and my heart was full of joy and I cryed and was much grieved with very great repentance that I had been so seduced and did so despair of Gods mercies and had been so blinded And the Lord set it upon my spirit that though I had laid all aside yet now I should come out of the Wilderness leaning on my Beloved and I had a greater affection to the ways of God than ever and delighted in them more than ever Before they were a burthen to me now they were easie and sweet Being at York I heard a Minister there out of Hosea 2. preach that which wrought much comfort in me and that Christ had promised to betroth himself to every Believer And then and since I have much joy in the promises of God and can through the Spirit of God which I find and feel in my heart lay hold by faith on them as my particular interest As Rom. 10.4 Christ is the end of the Law for righteousness to every one that believeth Christ by hs Spirit hath wrought belief in me both in his promises and threatnings and to live according to his Word therefore I conclude that I shall be saved by the righteousness of my Saviour Rom. 9.4 Who are Israelites to whom pertaineth the adoption and the glory and the covenants and the giving of the Law and the service of God and the promises I know that every Believer is a true Israelite and brought under the Covenant of grace by Jesus Christ and that therefore the promises of grace and salvation belong to me Rom. 3.21,22 But now the righteousness of God without the Law is manifested being witnessed by the Law and the Prophets even the Righteousness of God which is by Faith of Jesus unto all and upon all them that believe for there is no difference I being one whom God hath drawn to believe it is manifested unto me that I have an interest in the Righteousness of Jesus Christ to justifie me before God by his merits which are made mine by faith Hosea 2.19,20 I will betroth thee unto me for ever yea I will betreth thee unto me in righteousness and in judgment and in loving kindness and in mercies I will even betroth thee unto me in faithfulness and thou shalt know the Lord. I find great comfort from this promise in that the Lord doubles and trebles his Promises and enlargeth himself so freely to the Soul And as testimonies of my real conversion to God and union with Jesus Christ and that reconciliaon is made between God and my Soul I find these real evidences wrought by Gods blessed Spirit in me 1. I find in my heart great love to God that when God saith Seek my face my heart rejoyns again saying thy face Lord will I seek And I find nothing so dear to me as the love of God and if my heart deceive me not I could bear and suffer any thing to bring glory to God accounting all things but dung and dross below Christ 2. When any thing of the flesh ariseth against the motions of Gods Spirit to draw me from good or to do evil I find frequently the power of the Spirit to subdue my heart not to submit to the flesh but to walk in his way and yet I am so sensible of my infirmities that all that I do or can do is nothing but as filthy rags but I know Jesus Christ is my Saviour and stands engaged for me and when the flesh is weakest I find the Spirit thirsteth after God 3. I find in my heart a very great thirsting after the Ordinances and a great enlargment of heart and comfort in them my heart being delighted to be among the people of God and full of joy in them 4. When thoughts of want at any time arise I find full satisfaction in the better part which never can be taken from me which is my interest in Jesus Christ And I find in my Conscience a great testimony of my Spiritual union with God and that I am so separated from the world in my affections that God hath drawn me to himself 5. God who searcheth the heart knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit because he maketh intercession for the Saints according to the will of God which will of God I find a free submission to in my heart with joy knowing that all things shall work together for good to them that love God 6. It is the chiefest desire of my heart that God would keep me close to my duty and I have abundance of joy in communion with the Lord which is more sweet to me than my joy in any thing else 7. I delight much to speak of God and of his ways and to use what means I can to comfort the Saints whom I love dearly and if possible to convert sinners D. M. XIX Experiences of AE L. I Had lately great grief upon my spirit about a Daughter which was brought to great sufferings and by reason of her going away in her affliction I thought she had made away her self God put it into my thoughts to remember my sins and that he had laid this affliction upon me for neglecting my duty to him and not serving him as I ought This caused great sorrow in me and made me abundantly shed tears my sins I thought were the occasion that the Lord made her so great a cross to me for which I had deserved it so that both became a great grief to my Soul and thus I lay languishing in very great sorrow Then I began to think with my self that there is no refuge but only in Christ and I consulted my thoughts how to go to good company and meetings where I might find comfort from the people of God And about two years since one morning I came to Mr. S. to joyn with godly people that came thither to prayer though with a great deal of distraction in my mind and I shewed my discontents and condition to him and he told me that if
those that trust in him I had some comfortable hopes in the Lords mercies but I found many doubtings still yet about seven years slince Master Tompson made a Sermon at Liverpoole then besieged shewing That we must lay hold on the Lord and hold fast and be will lead us through all Troubles and soon after it was lost and many were killed but I bless God I had no hart at all which did much comfort me that the Lord of his mercy had delivered me I did and still do hope that the Lord had a mind to save me and to draw me nearer to himself which together with some other deliverances of the Lords great mercy I took great comfort in so that when I had scarce bread and water and I have been streightned since yet I found still comfort from the Lord for iny self and to be an instrument to help others who were prisoners And the Lord then and since hath by his Spirit comforted me with several Promises which I praise God I can apply to my self by which I have a testimony of my true belief some of which are these which follow Gen. 15.1 The Word of the Lord came unto Abraham in a vision saying Fear not Abraham I am thy shield and thy exceeding great reward I had found the Lord to be my shield in those many deliverances he had wrought for me and had taken away that distrustful fear which before was upon me and therefore I was and still am confident he will be my exceeding great reward Psal 119.57 Thou art my portion O Lord I have said that I would keep thy words The same God wrought in my heart to say with David that I would keep thy Word O Lord and tho I cannot as I should yet my desire is to keep it my mind is to keep it therefore I presume with David to say Thou art my portion O Lord. John 15.5 Christ saith I am the Vine ye are the Branches he that abideth in me and I in him the samâ— bringeth forth much fruit for without me ye can do nothing I know my self to be nothing without Christ and though I have infirmities yet my heart abides in Christ And therefore I hope to find righteousness and salvation not in my self but in Christ desiring also that I may bring forth fruit as a branch in him Rom. 8.1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus who walk not after the flesh but after the spirit I find my self to be one of those who walk in my heart in the ways of God to which I am led by his Spirit and not after the flesh and though I cannot serve God so well as I would I do as well as I can and am troubled in my spirit for my failings and therefore I believe I shall never be condemned And I have these testimonies of my conversion and sincere love to God as the fruits of my faith 1. The Lord hath by his Spirit manifested to my Soul that the Wisdom of the Spirit is life and peace and hath wrought that peace in my heart that I do not desire any way to break from it for any other enjoyments whatsoever 2. This I desire to be built upon that I may find Christ to be my life and peace 3. I find that the Lord hath greatly wrought upon me and my mind is fully affected with the Lord out of whom I do not care for any thing that is in the World 4. My desire is wholly to serve God and leave all things in the World as vain trifles for the enjoyment of him 5. My love is so much to God in Christ that having him I know I have all things and without him I have nothing 6. I find that I have great comfort and am much refreshed by Ordinances a sense of the Spirit is frequently brought upon my heart and I have received a great deal of comfort therein when I have been weak and it hath been a refreshing to me when food hath been scant And particularly from several Serinons preached by Mr. Whitaker Mr. Marshal Mr. Carter and others as also Mr. P. Dr. Homes Mr. W. and at other meetings of godly people 7. I find that the comfort of the Ordinances are more sweet to me than all the pleasures riches or friends in the world for they are contenting comforts and so are not worldly things 8. I could find in my heart willingly to dye and leave Children Brothers Sisters and all the World besides to go to my Christ J. B. XXI Experiences of A. J. WHen it pleased God to call my Husband from me I was for a time aâ— exceedingly cast down and troubled as I think any poor creature could be in which I was so overwhelmed that I did not know which way to turn my self nor what to do yet was seeking the Lord to find out what was his mind in the thing I had lost a good estate had no body to look after my business had many injured me and had lost above the rest a pious Husband whom I intirely loved yet the Lord put it into my heart that all this was to wean me from my sins and too much doting upon an Husband and other worldly enjoyments which my heart was too much taken up with therefore the Lord was pleased to strip me of them in a great measure to bring me nearer to himself I went to divers places to hear several Ministers and by waiting upon the Ordinances to seek after the Lord if possible I might find comfort and satisfaction to my Soul herein but continued in much affliction upon my spirit for near a years time at last I heard Master Jenkins preaching out of the 21. Chapter of John the 18. and 19. verses Verily Verily I say unto thee when thou wast young thou girdedst thy self and walkedst whether thou wouldest but when thou shalt be old thou shalt stretch forth thy hands and another shall gird thee and carry thee whither thou wouldest not This spake be signifying by what death he should glorifie God The consideration of which dispensation from God to him drew forth my heart to be contented with whatsoever the Lord should be pleased to lay upon me And I was satisfied to suffer or bear any thing in that it was the Lords will to glorifie himself by such dispensations towards the Saints And the Lord hath since made me as he did David to be contented as well with his Rod as with his staff and then and since I praise the Lord I can say with David It was well for me that I was afflicted I was comforted with that example of â—he woman in the Gospel to whom it was said by Christ that it is not lawful to take the childrens bread and cast it to dogs in that I could say with her Truth Lord has the dogs may lick the crums that fall from their Masters Table I remembred Gods dispensations towards Job and David and resolved with
those many actual sins which I have personally committed but I am justified by Christ 14. I desire to shew my dutiful love in obedience to my Fathers commands and my affections according to the rule of the Gospel to Christ my Husband with whom I am spiritually marryed 15. The Lord saith Come out from amongst them all ye my people and be ye separated and touch no unclean thing and I will be your God and ye shall be my people And if I regard iniquity in my heart the Lord will not hear my prayers I take God to witness who knows the secrets of all hearts that I desire to joyn in duties not to the end that others should have a good opinion of me I know I must leave all worldly relations how soon I know not but herein I shall have peace that I do as my Father hath commanded me and I rejoyce in Christ Jesus putting no confidence in the flesh but only in the merits of my Saviour M. M. XXVI Experiences of H. W. WHen my God appeared through his grace to shine by his sacred Spirit into my dark Soul my thoughts were much taken up in consideration of my sad and deplorable condition under the curse by nature yet so that I did withal see enough in Christ to deliver me from all if I did attain to a true belief But my perplexed Soul drank deep of the bitter dreggs of a sorrowful cup before I could tast of the sweet cordials my blessed Saviour had prepared for me wherewith I have since been often refreshed My conscience told me that if I ever expected deliverance from sin death and hell and to have favour with God I must devote my heart to him alone But yet I found the love of some worldly vanities rooted so fast in my affections that I did often put God off and had an eye to some worldly contents which deprived me for that time of enjoying peace in his presence I often said Lord such a day I will leave all and never seek my self but thy glory in all things and then again Lord after such a merry meeting then I will shake hands with all temporal delights and again now Lord once more I will have but one day of pleasure and then I will part with all that offends thee and not seek after any thing out of thee more But for a time all this proved but unfaithfulness to my Saviour and wounds to my own Spirit the sense whereof did sadly terrifie my conscience My Soul was much cast down and I sat up a great part of many nights when all the Family where I then lived was in bed and with an heavy heart and floods of tears gushing from my sorrowful eyes I was exceedingly disquieted pouring forth mine heart to my God and begging mercy at the footstool of the Throne of grace And that which was the greatest horror upon my Spirit was that I could not manifest my believing by a pious spiritual conversation in a faithful obedience according to the sacred rule of the Gospel When I have had resolutions for worldly pleasures to satisfie the desires of nature it hath taken away the comfort of my heart from spiritual duties in the interim But I found in my Soul a great conffict in wrastling against those sad temptations my conscience convincing me how great an enemy I was to my Soul therein and testifying that it would be infinitely better to leave all the vain things of the world than to live without the love of my Saviour But when my God was pleased to bring my heart to a frame to resolve seriously never to delay with God a moment more my heart was so fixed on my Saviour that I saw a sufficiency in him under any dispensation I tasted a greater sweetness in the graces of his Spirit than in any temporal pleasure And I found much of the love grace spirit and power of my dear Saviour appearing to refresh my troubled Soul And I have found much comfort from divers promises of the Lord and particularly Isa 49.8,8 I will preserve thee and give thee for a Covenant of the people to establish the earth and to cause to inherit the desolate heritages That thou mayest say to the Prisoners go forth to them that are in darkness shew your selves Though I was before a Prisoner to worldly vanities and shut up in darkness yet Christ being sent to declare the Covenant to such I found good warrant to apply it to my self Ezek. 34.22 Therefore will I save my flock and they shall be no more a prey Tâ—… Salvation I applyed as promised to me considering that though I was a sinful man yet it was my comfort that the Lord was my God vers 31. And ye my flock the flock of my pasture are men and I am your God Mat. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled God having given me an heart to hunger and thirst after my Saviour and my God above all things I believe this promise was made to me with many more which gave much sweet comfort and consolation to my Soul And being justified by faith I have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ the testimony of which faith is sealed to my Soul by his blessed Spirit in these Demonstrations 1. I find many evident testimonies of the love of God to me which hath drawn forth my Soul to an high esteem of him and to love him above all things 2. I see nothing but sin in my self and my trust is in my Saviours merits for justification 3. I feel glorious refreshments from the heavenly gales of Gods blessed Spirit breathing his grace into my Soul which is the highest bliss I can desire on this side Heaven 4. I find much comfort from the Word and Ordinances 5. My chief desire in all things is to glorifie God 6. I find a very great affection in my heart to the people of God or any that I judge so to be 7. I desire to be at peace with and do all the good I can to all especially those of the houshold of Faith 8. I can heartily beg of the Lord to give me deliverance from and strength against every sin though never so pleasing to my nature or which I am most prone to 9. I find no such full joy in any thing as I do in communion with my God 10. I see a purity and glory in the ways of God and Gospel-duties above all things 11. I desire no longer to live than to glorifie God 12. All the days of my appointed time I wait till my change shall come H. W. XXVII Experiences of D. R. IT hath pleased the Lord ever since I knew a difference between good and evil to give me a heart to seek after those things which savoured most of God And it was my delight always to frequent the society of those whom I thought were truly godly And upon this account I thought
gracious than great and had rather be the holiest man upon Earth than the most learned the most famous or the most prosperous His Joys are changed he now rejoyceth in the ways of Gods Testimonies more than in all Riches He delights in the Law of the Lord of which he formerly had little Savour He hath no such joy as in the thoughts of Christ and fruition of his company forever His eares and fears are altered he was once careful about the things of this life but now his great solicitude is how to secure his Soul and everlasting concerns He used to fear nothing so much as the loss of his Estate Reputation Friends or Pleasures Nothing sounded so terrible to him as pain poverty or disgrace Now these are little to him in comparison with the dishonour and displeasure of God It pierces his heart to think of losing Gods favour or of being parted from his blessed Saviour His love runs a new course and he like the ancient Father can scarce find words sweet enough to express his affections to his well beloved Jesus Let me see thee O Light of mine eyes Come O thou joy of my Spirit Let me behold thee O the gladness of my heart Let me love thee O Light of my Soul Appear unto me O my chief delight my sweet Comforter O my God my Life the whole glory of my Soul Let me find thee O Defire of my heart Let me hold thee O Love of my Soul Let me imbrace thee and possess thee O heavenly Bridegroom His Sorrows have now a Vent by the veiw of his Sins the sight of a Crucified Christ which did scarce move him before how much doth 〈◊〉 affect his heart His hatred boils his anger 〈◊〉 against sin all the facultie and members of his Soul and Body that were formerly instruments of sin are now become the holy Vtensils of Christs living Temple That eye which was once wandring wanton haughty and cavetous is now imployed as Marys weeping over his sins in beholding God in his works in reading his word in searching for Objects of Charity and Mercy and seeking all opportunities to do him service That ear that was opened to Satan's call and like a vitiated appetite relished nothing better than filthy or at least srothy unprofitable discourse and the laughter of Fools is now beared to hear the sweet voice of Jesus and is open to his Teachings it now says Speak Lord for thy Servant heareth and waits for his word as the rain which is sweeter to him than the honey and the hovey comb or his appointed food That head which was filled with carnal contrivances and designs is now imployed in matters of greater concern and studies how it may perform the will of God His thoughts are now more intent about his duty than his gain and his principal business is how be may please God and avoid Sin His heart which was full of pollution and defilement is now become an Altar of divine Incense where the fire of Celestial Love is continually burning and from whence the dayly Sacrifice of Prayer and Praise and the sweet perfume of holy Desires Ejaculations and Soliloquies are constantly ascending His mouth is become a well spring of Life his tongue is as choice Silver his lips feed many Now the Salt of heavenly Grace hath seasoned his speech and purged out all its corruption Hath cleansed it from its former filthy communication flatery boasting railing lying swearing backbiting which once issued out like flashes of infornal fire from the Hell that was in his heart His throat that was once an open Sepulchre now sends forth the sweet breath of Prayer and holy Discourse and the man speaks in another Tongue even the language of Canaan and is never so well pleased as when talking of God Christ and the glorious things of another world His â—…outh bringeth forth Wisdom and his tongue is become the Silver Trumpet of his Makers Praise and Glory To conlude his Conversation is in Heaven and the New Man takes a new course in his life and practice when God hath given him the new heart and writ his Law in his mind he forthwith walks in his Statutes and keeps his Judgments and though sin like a wearisome and unwelcome guest God knows dwells in him yet it hath no more dominion over him He hath his fruit unto holinese and though he hath many a fall yet the Law and Life of Jesus is his Rule and he hath an unfeigned respect to all Gods Commandments and keepeth a good conscience willing in all things to live honestly and without offence towards God and Men. In such a state as this no doubt were those eminent Christians who made the following solemn Declarations of the gracious Experiences which they had of the exceeding love favour of God to their Souls in supporting them under their doubts and difficulties and afterwards confirming their minds in the good ways of the Lord. They had found the Lord to be merciful and full of goodness compassion and truth and therefore thought that they ought with their mouths to shew sorth his Praise both to stir up thers to joyn with them therein and likewise to incourage poor distressed disconsolate Christians to put their trust in the Almighty since if they persevere sincerely in seeking his face he will certainly at length discover himself unto them and fill their hearts with joy and gladness And it may be reasonably hoped that these heavenly Experiences will be very effectual and conducive thereunto since they consist of such variety of Tryals Temptations and Exercises of Spirit that we can scarce suppose but the most disquieted despairing Soul way here meet with Cases as dark and comfortless as his own and and likewise find what a good end the Lord in his due time brought all the troubles of his afflicted Children unto And for this purpose no doubt they were first Collected and Published some years since by divers Faithful and Pious Ministers of the Gospel in and about London and though they have omitted the Names of the Persons because no glorying should appear therein yet they were then known to be Christians who had truly tasted seen that the Lord was gracious Now that the God of all Peace and Consolation may give his blessing hereunto is the hearty and earnest Prayer and desire of him who is A well wisher to the Souls of Men. W. D. Mercy Triumphant in the Conversion of Sinners to God Discovered in the Remarkable and Gracious Experiences of several Eminent Christians I. Experiences of Mr. J. R. Minister of the Gospel BEfore I give an account of my own Experiences I shall briefly discover the Duty and usefulness of communicating Christian Experiences 1. It is a Duty because it hath been the practice of the People of God in former Ages When our blessed Saviour had cleansed the Leper Matth. 8.4 he bid him Go and shew it for a Testimony and Matth. 28.7 the Angels
account of the wonâ—derful dealings of the Almighty with my unworthy self TO give a formal Account of my Life would be tedious though I may safely say in every year since I can remember I have been inâ—icht with for many and such remarkable Enpericaces as may make some rather admire than believe them And first when I was a School-Boy at Malden in Essex I began to be rouzed by two Men Mr. Will-Fenner and Mr. Stephen Marshall about the tenth year of my Age for before that I was I know not what though I was kept to read every day was Catechised with other good Orders But then hearing Mr. Fenner full of Zeal and seeing him thundering about and beating the Palpit I was amazed and thought he was mad wondring what he meanâ—… Now whilst I was gazing upon him I was suddenly struck and perceived it was we that were mad which made him seem to be so Oh! says he You knotty rugged proud pieces of flesh you stony rocky flinty hard hearts what will you do 〈◊〉 you are roaring in Hell among the damned c. This made me at first astonisht and run so ofted in my mind afterward that I began to be troubled seared and affrighted and for fear of going to Hell I fell to praying hearing Sermons reading the Scriptures morning and evening though I understood little but only thought the bare reading sufficient I learnt to pray first out of Books and got all the Graces so called by heart and after Family Prayers I was every night afraid the Devil would carry me away to Hell if I did not say my prayers Our Father c. and I believe in God c. with the Ten Commandments and my little Catechism of Dr. Hall's which I had learnt And this I did duly every night before I durst sleep which I thought a sufficient defence to preserve me from the Devil 's tearing me in pieces before morning Yet sometimes when I was sleepy to make more haste I would say some of them in the Chimney-corner whilst I was undressing me thinking all was well enough so it were but done Yea when I was extreamly surprized with fear of the Devil being apt to fancy any thing to be him I often said all my Prayers and Commandments twice over suspecting I had not said them well enough or had for haste left out some of them and the like and thus as the Apostle says When I was a Child I did childish things and thought all this was very well and oft-times I would get one of my Play-fellows to walk alone with me and would tell him of Sin and Hell and such matters for they ran always in my mind and I was in a desperate fear At length going to hear Mr. Marshall whilst I was nodding and almost asleep his powerful voice awakened me thundring in my Ears the dreadful danger of such as were drowsie and slept and slumbred away their Salvation which I thought was spoken directly to me and had such prevalency upon me that I started up with an aking heart being much terrified at his words which he still pursued and wounded me to the heart when he told us That when time was past it could never be recalled again and that there was no other way but to double our diligence and redeem the time we had lost by making more haste and taking more care and pains or else we should be utterly lost and undone This touched me sufficiently so that I could not forbear weeping extreamly After Sermon I went home and sitting alone I fell to crying and complaining that I had lost my time taking up a resolution never to sleep at Church again and I think I have kept that solemn Covenant to this very day After this I was not content with my former customary duties for now I must double them and do more than before wherefore I resolved to write down the Sermous I heard as well as I could but having little skill to write fast or orderly I ever observed the Doctrines Reasons and Heads of the Uses which I got by heart repeating the morning Sermon at noon and the evening Sermon at night so that I could the readilier answer my Father when he examined me and then I learnt out of a Book a prayer for morning and another for evening This course I continued for nine or ten years together so that at length I attained to repeat to my self the substance of some Sermons which I had heard seven or eight years before and the Lord led me on in this orderly way I know not how without the advice or direction of any person upon Earth whereby I hoped to work out my Salvation and redeem my time But this I must say from this Form I learnt much of God and Goodness and what I did at first for fear of Hell at last I performed out of love to Heaven yea out of love to God and Christ as if it were without Heaven I used this method some years after I came to the University of Cambridg whereby I was enabled to Recollect several Mens Sermons 10 years after they were Preached and likewise with Gods assistance to Preach my self at 18. or 19. years of age to the great wonder of many Thus you hear how formal I was and I must needs confess it was more out of fear than love that I maintain'd this strictness in the duties of Religion But not long after I was further awakened by my own Father Mr. N. R. Minister in Essex who preaching upon the Good Samaritan and shewing Christs Compassion to wounded Souls he in reproof of Sinners declared That they were more guilty than the hardhearted Jews that they Crucifie Christ afresh and have no Compassion on him now he is in Glory but Spit on him and make him Suffer and that his blood would rise up in Judgment against them for if Abels a meer mans did so much more his and if David prayed to be delivered from blood guiltiness how ought we to beg of God to be freed from being guilty of the precious blood of the Son of God and Saviour of the World This he Preached and pressed so powerfully that I was thrown into a trembling as lying under the guilt of Christs blood and was long perplext with the horror thereof One Remarkable Passage I must never forget which happened in my Youth that being one time playing and running about my Father's house with my other Companions I know not upon what occaon I uttered vain words crying O Lord which we were not suffered to do whereupon my heart was instantly smitten and I was suddenly set a running by I know not what Power or Spirit as if I had been possest and could not possibly stay my self till I was carried with much violence to a little gate way where to my apprehension I perceived as plainly as ere I saw any thing by the Sun-shine a naked Sword glittering with a sharp edge which took up the whole space
rest till I had declared it and now I find my Heart ever since taken off from Sin and the Lusts of the World and have experienced so great a change in being called home to God as I am not able to express it in words and am now desirous to please God and to walk in his ways having been long before wrought upon by the Word Preached and by Prayer and now have given my self up to God in whose Mercy alone through the Merits of Jesus Christ I expect Joy and Peace here and Eternal Happiness hereafter J. C. IX Experiences of Mr. J. B. Preacher of the Gospel AS to my Life and Experiences I must declare That when I was but a little one God began to work upon me for going to School I once happened to Swear an Oath as I was playing with my Companions which I had no sooner uttered but I was instantly struck with horror for it and the sence thereof was so terrible that I doubted I should be presently thrown into Hell for it In which Fear and great trouble I left my School Fellows playing the Sorrow and Misery I thought I was in would not permit me to stay any longer Away I went into the Church Porch not far off and sitting down alone for some time wept bitterly to my self But at length I know not how I began to have some hopes of Pardon and thereupon grew chearful and fearless till a which after I went to see some Malefactors Executed For after I came home the sight of their Deaths ran so much in my Mind and appeared so continually before my Eyes that my sias and the horrors of Hell came fresh upon me again so that I was exceedingly cast down and cryod out Oh! What shall I do How shall I be Saved Which I had often in my mouth and in the hearing of my Friends In this condition I could take no comfort from them till the Lord himself brought me out of it and inclined me to give up my self to Jesus Christ by the Life of Faith which I now live Notwithstanding which I was under several Temptations and oftentimes they came very thick upon me but even then I resolved that if I were thrown into Hell yet I would still lay hold upon my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ and would never let him go and upon his Merits and Satisfaction I have been Established through his Grace ever since So that I take Christ for my King Priest and Prophet and do believe him to be a Propitiation for my sins and my Portion and Inheritance both here and for ever J. B. Experiences of VV. VV. I have much reason to acknowledge a great work of God upon my Heart in delivering me wonderfully from several destroying sins which once I thought slight but were really so great that I can scarce express them I was very Extravagant and brought very low both in Body and Mind and extreamly sensible of Disobeying my Parents from what the Scripture says of Men in the latter times that they shall be Lovers of themselves Heady Disobedient to their Parents c. The Serious consideration hereof cast me down afflicted my Conscience and so troubled me that I was altogether comfortless Thus I continued a long time till it pleased God that once in a Sermon I heard Jesâ—… Christ freely offered even to the worst of sinners and then I began to look up a little with hopes of comfort and applied these offers to my own Soul being sensible that I had real need of them and so at length I began to be satisfied with peace and rest and followed the hearing of the Word and rejoyced in it and loved the company of good People And yet for all this I was under much temptation and too much inclined to drinking till my Brother Strong reproved me saying Brother I hear strange things of you that you are given to drinking This so smote me together with the abuses I received from the prophane sort who cryed out after me O this is one of Powler 's followers that I was wounded in my spirit a long time to think that I should bring such a scandal upon the Gospel For two months I was wofully tormented in my mind till the Lord recovered me and gave me resolution and power against this and all other sins which hath continued with me ever since and for which I acknowledge his great love and merey to me and do live upon Christ the true Messiah whom I believe to have died for my sins and that he will save my Soul W. W. X. Experiences of M. K. WHen I take a view of my Life upon the Stage of this World I may very well compare it to a Trage-Comedy a Labyrinth from one sin to another from one affliction to another I was indeed the Daughter of very good and honest Parents who diligently brought up their Children in the fear of God My Mother who in her days was noted for a godly virtuous and religious Gentlewoman she I say from amongst twelve Children chose me to set her love and affection upon the told me it was because she saw something a more tractableness and and diligence to please her than in the rest which when I perceived as then not being seven years old I laid my self forth the more to give her content who took great delight to instruct me to hear me read and ask her questions She allotted me a portion of Scripture every day as likewise a part of Erâ—…mus Rotterdamus upon the four Evangelists wherein we both took great delight About that time I had serious thoughts concerning God the Father Son and Holy Ghost who putting this part of Scripture into my mind He that is ashamed of me before men of him will I be ashamed before my Father which is in Heaven and whoso denieth me before men him will I deny before the Angels which are in Heaven I then began to exâ—mine my self on this manner What wouldst thou do if thou wert tempted amongst diversities of Opinions to be ashamed of this Profession wherein thy Parents nurtured thee What wouldst thou do if thou shouldst be tempted to deny Christ and be called to suffer for his sake as some of thy kindred were in Queen Maries time wouldst thou not deny thy Master wouldst thou not run away from thy colours I resolved that I would not And if the Lord would be pleased to try me he should see how valiantly I would sight under his Banner and what a faithful Souldier I would be to this I did implore his help continually whatsoever I was about still my heart was praying and I desired that God would be pleased to awake me in the might that I might rise out of my Bed to prayer which many times I did After this manner I spent my days until I was twelve years old at which time it pleased God to take my Mother from me which was some sorrow to me but being suddenly made my
Father's holdekeeper so as it were a Mother to ten Children a Mistress over six Servants none to do any thing without my command or consent being as it were my Father's right hand from whom I had this Authority it did not only stop my sorrow but caused an exceeding juyful pride or proud joy to seize upon my heart seeing my self aâ— it were advanced being respected amongst the chiefest of the Parish who were my Mother a companions I representing her person when I was amongst them then began the cares of the Worlâ— and the deceivableness of vanities to seize upon my heart and made me forget my former order promises and intentions and thus I spent almost seven years combred about many thing but quite neglecting that one thing which iâ— needful About this time it pleased God to take my Father from me upon a sudden I asked my heart What was the cause of my Father's death It made answer thus Because thou hast sinned against God thou hast not only omitted much good but thou hast coâ—…itted much evil thou hast spent thy time idly and loosely and for thy sake all thy Brothers and Sisters are now made Fatherless and Motherless Thâ—… consideration made such a deep impression upon thy spirit that I refused all coâ—…fort for half a year crying out continually My sins my sins woe is me my sins being demanded by divers godly friends and reverend Divines what those sins were which so much troubled me I told them sins of omission sins of omission they would perswade me that I was young and that I had not years enough over my head to be guilty of so many sâ—…s by omission that needed so much sorrow I told them that I was old enough to offend God and to provoke him to anger indeed I could not give so ready account of my sins of evil committed and of good omitted but though they never took notice of my sins yet my heart was witness against me Thus I wearied all my Friends with my excessive sorrow who knew not what to do for me more than they had done With one consent they sent me up to London perswading me that the Word of God was more plentifully Preached there which made me willing to come But missing of my Brother to whom I was sent to be provided for and resolving to wait upon some Gentlewoman until I could with conveniency return down again God by his providence brought me to the Wife of Dr. Page Minister of Debtford from whom I received great comfort but in a short time God took him from us all whose death was greatly lamented I found much favour and love from all that knew me and most especially from Mris. Page who for three years and an half would not suffer me to be away from her one day At the end of which time I was married to her eldest Son then living we had not been long married and my Husband received his Portion but we took a house in Westminster intending to take some honest course for a livelihood but there God knows we fell acquainted with some company which did not only cause much time to be spent in idleness but almost all our means One man especially who gave his mind to drinking and other vices more than any good he I say was never well contented without my Husband's company Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reason of this course of life I greatly desired my Husband to refrain that man's company or at least not to suffer him to come so often home to our house This I begged upon my knees with tears but could not prevail then did the Devil set his foot into my heart and perswade me that by the committing of one sin I should prevent many and so stirred me up to murther him to which suggestion I cowardly yielded and sought all opportunities to perform this wicked act Here I denied my Master Christ In the highest of this hatred in my sleep I thought I was in a very large Chamber sitting behind a Table covered with a green Carpet upon which lay all manner of Instruments which proclaim death suddenly the man came into the Chamber whom so soon as I espyed to be alone catching up a weapon in my hand I resolved there to commit the horrid act of murther upon his body but God who watcheth over his whether they sleep or walte and worketh by means and without means which way he pleaseth at that time put an end to all my revengeful thoughts and caused me to hear a voice in my Ear saying Vengeance is mine to which voice I answered aloud And thou wilt repay O Lord Then waking hearing my self speak I was in very good charity with him and left my wrong to God but reflecting upon mine own heart there I found not only these but a whole nest of most Diabolical and wicked intentions which my God was pleased by his preventing graces to smother in their birth for I no sooner had concluded that I would fulfil mine own hearts lust although I suffcred all the punishments due for such and such like sins wherein I ran away from my Captain yet for all this he had a favour towards me and sent an Herauld after me to bring me back again But then began a fresh Batteâ— for my God coming as it ware to see what use I had made of the Talent that he had given me he found it not only wrapt up in a napkin but exceedingly abused and searching my heart what found he there but a sink of sin a Cage of unclean Birds and Den of Theeves a place for Dragons for the Scritchowl and for the Satyre these had taken full possession there was no room for my God they kept him out and what did they there but made it like a troubled Sea First telling me my sins were greater than could be forgiven Dost thou not know said they that thy thought-sins are sufficient to damn thee although thou hast never committed any actually doth not the Scripture say plainly if a Man lust after a Woman he hath committed Adultery which commandment being broken brings death I then took a view of all the ten Commandments written in the Moral Law to see which of them I had broken and which I had kept I found them all broken and at the end of every one was written Death And not only those but those sweet commands of my Saviour Jesus Christ wherein he bids us watch and pray for your enemies seed the hungry cloath the naked love one another all which I had likewise broken which made me to see nothing to remain for me but death and damnation â—argued then with my self on this wise I have read and I have heard that Almighty God which by his power made Heaven and Earth and all therein had sent his Son to dye for sinners and that there was hopes through his death that I should get pardon I had no sooner cast mine eye upon my
not and what I did think him to be I told him that I had read in the Scriptures and they held him out to be the Son of God and that he came to seek and to save that which was lost Then said Mr. Young unto me why do you draw back in not coming to hear the Word I told him it was because of the deridings of the people I but said Mr. Young you must persevere and hold on in a continuance opening some Scriptures as that of the Hebrews that being once enlightened and having tasted the good word and of the powers of the world to come if that Soul should fall away then there would be nothing but a fearful looking for the fiery indignation of God This did much trouble me so that I was very fearful to be damned Then Mr. Young did open that Scripture in 1 Thess 1.4,5 You say that you know Jesus Christ to be your Saviour therefore take heed for Jesus shall appear in flaming fire against all those that know him not nor obey not his Gospel This put me in great fear and horror worse than before Then I did intreat Mr. Young to tell me what the Gospel was and he bid me read in the first of Matth. and there it was this that The Gospel was the glad tidings to the shepherds that it was the good will of God to send Jesus Christ to save sinners whereof I did confess with the Apostle Paul that I was chief Mr. Young at parting gave me these Instructions That I should be very careful what company I did go into and that I should always remember my Creator in the days of my youth and this was very fresh in my memory and did strengthen me very much against the temptations of Satan and kept me from frequenting those Companions that I did formerly use and if at any time I met them and heard their idle words then this Scripture did often come into my mind Remember thy Creator in the days of thy youth and did very much chear my spirits and carry me along for many years untill it pleased God to bring me to London and coming to Black Fryers under the Ministry of Dr. Gouge I was very much edified for two years together but coming to live at VVestminster I did profit but little again untill it pleased God to send Mr. Marshal and hearing of him speaking out of Jeremiah 14. of the famine being in the outward man but there was the famine of the Word of God at Westminster it made me very attentive to his Doctrine he complaining what a barbarous place Westminster had been but now he did hope that the Word of God would take effect in the hearts of some of his Hearers and truly so it did on my heart for I was a constant hearer of him and then going to a friends family I heard them repeat the Notes that they had taken from Master Marshal and since I continued with that Company of Godly people and now it is the desire of my Soul to have fellowship with the Father and the Son that my Soul may thrive in grace and in the knowledge and great love of that God that so loved the World that he gave his Son to dye to save such as I am and that whosoever comes to him should not perish but have eternal life with whom I beseech the Lord I may walk in a more close way to the end of my life than ever I have yet done J. H. XIV Experiences of T. P. I Have had thoughts concerning my Spiritual condition and made search into my Soul touching my estate in relation to GOD and what testimony I can find of my interest in and conversion to God And I have found this to be the way of Gods working to bring me to himself through his great mercy in the Lord Jesus It hath pleased God ever since I was born to place me under the means of the Gospel the neglect whereof hath been a great trouble and grief unto my Soul this with many sins more lay heavy upon my Conscience especially some offence and wrong offered against the People of God insomuch that the terrors of Hell laid hold upon me and I began with Cain to cry out that my burthen was more than I was able to bear I was a damned creature I was ouâ— of the presence and favour of God and never like to see his face with comfort ready with Judas to destroy my self I continued in thiis condition many years But God of his exceeding mercy kept me from that great sin and at last I received some comfort in that the Lord proclaimeth himself to be the Lord God gracious merciful long-suffering in forgiving sins and that he desired not the death of a sinner but rather that he should live And again he saith If our sins were as Scarlet he will make them as white as Snow or VVooll Again I am the Lord and change not therefore ye Sons of Jacob are not consumed These with many other promises of Free Grace and Mercy yielded some comfort to my Soul yet for a long time I was troubled if I prayed I feared my prayers were an abomination unto the Lord at last knowing the Lord heard the Ninivites that were Heathens I thought he was as able to save my Soul And it hath been my care to wait upon God in the means knowing that Faith cometh by hearing the word and upon all occasions to search my own heart what part of the word belonged unto me and what did not I received some comfort from these promises I will not break the bruised reed nor quench the smoaking flax Come unto me all ye that and weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest and He that cometh unto me I will in no wise cast off These gracious promises cause me to desire to draw near to God in union and in communion with whom I hope for fellowship to all eternity T. P. XV. Experiences of M. W. VVHen I lived in Ireland and was in fulness of outward enjoyments I had my thoughts much taken up about the things of the World but little seriously touching the Salvation of my Soul but some years since being at Liverpoole in Lancashire I heard a Sermon preached by Mr. Tompson his Text was redeem the time because the days are evil Many things he spake so home to my Soul that I was very much troubled I had spent so many days in evil That I had been covetous and proud and impatient in the former days of my life Yet it pleased the Lord I had an Husband that was an honest Man and one that feared God who had often given me good counsel and perswaded me to make some promises of amendment But I had Children and Servants and Cattel and lived plentifully in Ireland from whence I had lately come with my Husband and Family and indeed there had been no real conversion though I had often thoughts towards God and
scould not say God was mine or had discovered him self to me in pardoning my sins yet this I had often thoughts of that I would throw my self upon Christ and if I perished I perished and since I bless God I have found some satisfaction in several places of Scripture As First In Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest And feeling such a burthen then upon my Soul I relyed upon that true rest Another is in 1 John 2.2 And he is the reconciliation for our sins and not for ours only but for the sins of the whole World I being one in the World I applyed this to my self and in 1 John 114. The Father sent the Son to be the Saviour of the World Another place of Scripture is John 3.17 For God sent not his Son into the World to condemn the World but that the World through him might be saved And in verse 35. He that believeth on the Son hath everlasting life Upon this account I said I believe Lord help my unbelief And in the sixth Chapter of John and 67 and 68 verses Jesus said unto his Disciples Will ye go from me also Peter said unto him Lord whither shall we go for thou hast the words of eternal life So that I will now wait upon the Lord for a further manifestation of himself unto my Soul in the use of his Ordinances although I have not in times past been fed with the Childrens bread yet now I do believe I shall not be denyed those crums of Spiritual comforts to nourish and refresh my wearyed Spirit for God saith Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy Wine and Milk without money and without price And I praise God I have found of late a very great manifestation of Gods working a change upon my heart and drawing me by true faith to himself 1. About a quarter of a year since I heard Mr. B. on the luke-warmness of the Church of Laodicea shewing that the Lord would refuse none that come to him in humbleness of Spirit and sincerity of heart then I thought surely I might make use of these full promises made to those that come to him and it put me to search the Scriptures which I did and found a greater influence upon my spirit in the understanding of the Word than before 2. I am in all things that I do fearfull of offending God and my desire is to do all things to his glory 3. My love to God is so hearty that I delight to be meditating of God and to have communion with him and could wish that I might be wholly if it were possible with God and my heart is never so at rest as when I am reading of his Truths and hearing others speak of them 4. I am so little affected to the World that I account it nothing I can willingly leave all for God and I hope suffer any thing for God if he should please to call me to it so far as I can judge of my own heart but herein trusting in the power of Christ 5. Sin is loathsom to me so that the affections that I did bear to some evils are gone and I now loath them more than before I loved them 6. I have many consticts between the flesh and the spirit but I find in those strivings my heart most cleaving to follow the mind of God knowing that if I give way to sin Satan enters and with all my Soul I desire and delight to follow the leadings of Gods Spirit 7. In all things the resolutions of my heart are for doing those things that may please God and that without delay being fearful to offend God which through infirmity I do I have great trouble in spirit for it and my resolutions are always against every thing that may hinder my peace with God 8. I find in my heart so great a peace between God and my Conscience that should God now call me I shall be very well contented to go to my Saviour 9. I do not doubt of Gods love to me because he hath drawn forth my heart sincerely to love him 10. My love hath been always from a Child to the people of God and my heart hath been ever troubled when I have heard them evil spoken of 11. My affections are great to the Ordinances and my heart longeth after them and when at any time I come with a cold heart to Duties yet my heart is frequently warmed and inlarged in those duties E. C. XVIII Experiences of D. M. SOme years since through many crosses increasing upon me like an armed man I slew unto God to seek his mind by prayer and he discovered to me that it was for my sins which were then set before me which caused in to feel the hand of God by afflictions upon me that sin was the cause of my sufferings which lay very heavy upon me and terrified me so that I thought I had been in the way to damnation And that if it had been in the way to Salvation every affliction would not come so upon me greater than I thought I could be able to bear In particular the Lord discovered to me that I had too much loved my Husband in making an Idol of him and therefore he justly became a great terror to my spirit for he grew an enemy to goodness and so an hindrance to me in coming to Christ And while I thus doted on him he went away from me I feared through the sense of that and other sins together with the aggravations of my afflictions that God did not love me Yet it struck into my heart that God did not strike willingly and therefore I endeavoured to see what was the mind of God in it who had taken away my Husband Goods and all from me namely that he had done it that I should not hang upon husks but should love him And I found that I had loved the world too much and set my heart too much upon these Creature-comforts and therefore the Lord took them away from me This wrought upon me great troubles and despair so that I cryed till I was almost blind And I had great feâ—… and trembling upon me that I could not pray not hear with profit but thought it was in vain for me to pray whom God loved not and whom I had so offended About a quarter of a year after I had a temptation by Satan to drown my self in a Pond near Leeds in York-shire weither the Devil led me telling me that I might do it there it being a private place where no body could see me and I came to the Pond side but by the providence of God having a great love to a young Infant I had I took that Child in my Arms and when I came to the place I looked upon the Child and considered with my self what shall
I had but a mind to seek God and to repent he was gracious and would receive me to mercy The thing that I did earnestly beg of God was to know Christ crucified for me and he told me that indeed was best of all And after some good inâ—…tructions from him and others I was much delighted to frequent the meetings of Gods Servants and good Sermons and I found many good operations upon my heart After very strong conflicts which I had thus for about three quarters of a year lying in my bed waking all the night and calling upon God to direct me to ask at his hands those things which might be for his glory and my comfort and begging that he would give me a setled heart that might not be distracted with the things of the World In the morning I fell into a slumber with God still in my thoughts in which I heard as it were a voice from Heaven speaking to my heart and saying thus Ask of God a persect upright heart to walk in his presence which when I was fully awake I took to be the motion of Gods Spirit upon my Conscience which did fill me with much joy provoking me to pray to the Lord to grant me that grace And about two years since the Lord gave me a sense of my sins in a greater measure than before and my repentance was more spiritual and my hatred of sin more real And I found a sore combate betwixt the flesh and the spirit being more senfible how I had strayed from the rule of the Gospel and did yet come short of my duty therein and it was a great grief to my heart that I could not live according to that which God had revealed of his will to me Whilst I was thus troubled in spirit I heard some things in several Sermons preached by Master B. touching the sins of our natural corruptions and what holiness God repuires of us And I heard Mr. C. shew that we should strive to enter in at the narrow gate which wrought in my heart a very great sense of my sins In these conflicts I met with many discouragements and Satan tempted me to despair but the Lord sustained me I considered that as a sinner I deserved nothing but Damnation but my comfort was in Christ and my grief was interlaced with comforts Sometimes I was in sorrow two or three days and then again found comfort and often prayed unto the Lord to lay no more weight upon me then he would give me strength to bear and I found the Lord to be my shield and buckler and remembred many promises from the Lord in which to this day I bless God I have and still do find much comfort As Psal 34.19 Many are the afflictions of the Righteous but the Lord delivereth him out of them all I have had many afflictions for my sins but none but Christs righteousness is my comfort in whom I trust for deliverance Ezekiel 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his evil way and live turn ye turn ye from your evil ways for why will ye dye O ye house of Israel Matth. 11.28 Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest Ezekiel 18.30 Repent and turn your selves from all your transgnessions so iniquity shall not be your ruine Isaiah 43.25 I even I am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for my own sake and will not remember thy sins These and divers other promises I praise God I have had comfort from and as the fruits of my faith and my love to God I have these Evidences wrought by his Spirit through faith in my heart as a further manifestation of my interest in Christ 1. I believe in the Promises of the free mercies of God in the merits of Christ and can apply them with comfort to my own Soul as mine by faith 2. My heart and my mind affects God above all the pleasures and joys in the World and when I think of the things of the World in relation to God I think that without God all is but vain and vanity 3. When I think of my crosses and afflictions in the World then I lift up my heart to God in Christ and can say Having thee I have all things if I have Christ I have enough 4. My heart rejoyces in duties and my Soul doth more rejoyce in hearing the Word than in worldly pleasures 5. I have the peace of God upon my conscience which is more to me than all things in the world and makes me set the world at naught and it is my prayer that I may never be without that peace of God whatever befalls me 6. The Lord hath given me a contented mind in what condition soever he brings me to and his Spirit worketh upon my heart that I do not repine against his will E. L. XX. Experiences of J. B. SOme time agoe a Child of mine about six years of age when I have bid him go forth to play he hath come in again very solitary because other Children would swear and be rude I would ask him Robert what aileth you why do you not go to play he would answer That he had no fellows to play withal but such as would swear and the like and they cannot be said he Gods children I would say why not Child then he would say No Mother though I am but a little way in my Book yet I have learnt that God will not pardon such sins as swearing I have sometimes said Yes Child I hope God will pardon them else God help thy Father and God help us all Then he hath replyed Mother with great repentance God can forgive for his mercies are great but good Mother let us forbear that which is evil And many times I had such conference with that Child that seeing me troubled about it he hath said Good Mother be content their Parents are such and they must needs learn after them I thought upon my Childs words and having before often offended God on the Lords Days and the thoughts of other failings in my conversation it wrought great trouble upon my heart so that I was much afflicted in Soul considering that my Child so young should give me such instructions which hath proved a blessing to bring me home to him I did then make some doubt whether God would forgive me those sins and about that time hearing Dr. Vsher preach several Sermons and particularly upon that Text That we are but sojourners and travellers here and shewing that we are not at home therefore we must keep on in the streight way to Heaven and take heed of the broad way which leadeth to Hell this and other means since did throw me down low ander the sense of sin yet not without sometimes some refreshments And from a Sermon preached by Dr. Vsher That the Lord is the shield and defence of
and out of order to serve God it doth much trouble me and in going to God I find comfort 4. When I am hindred from duties with the People of God it is a great grief unto me and the manifestation of the presence of God upon my heart is the greatest joy I find and that which most fills and satisfies my Soul 5. I find the want of any of Gods Ordinances to be a grief to me and that I am at a loss therein 6. I desire to serve God in all things and have a real and hearty respect to his Commandments and to do justly to all and do find my heart chiefly drawn forth to holiness and in all things to keep a good Conscience and live in the fear of God A. O. XXV Experiences of M. M. I Have many times had a desire to hear the Word of God when imployed about my Calling But I then thought to my self that I had no body to provide for me but if God would bestow on me so much of these outward things as upon others in the World then I would spend more time in hearing praying and reading the Word And accordingly as these outward things have ebbed or flowed so hath my joy been less or more But now God hath given me a sight of my sins and why I had formerly no comfort it was because I had not faith in my heart Before God wrought that in me instead of making use of those comforts which the Word holds forth I spent my time in mistrusting Gods providence who therefore justly during that time held the sence of his spiritual consolations from me Sometimes I was in despair so low that I could not apprehend any thing to be my portion but Hell Every thing that fell not out according to my mind I thought was a Judgment from God upon me Yet I afterwards got comfort by these inviting promises Isa 55.1 Ho! every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters and he that hath no money come ye buy and eat yea come buy wine and milk without money and without price And Ezek. 33.11 As I live saith the Lord God I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked but that the wicked turn from his way and live Turn ye turn ye from you evil ways for why will ye die house of Israel I had some comfort from these promises but no assurance my thoughts were various and tho' between hope and despair yet I resolved to go to God knowing that he is unchangeable and that whom he loves he loves to the end and that if a sinner doth repent and turn to him he will blot all his sins and iniquities out of his remembrance And it pleased God to bring this promise into my mind and to help me by faith to lay hold on it and apply it to my self Ezek. 18.21,22 If the wicked will turn from all his sins that he hath committed and keep all my statutes and do that which is lawful and right he shall surely live he shall not â—…ye All his transgressions that he hath committed they shall not be mentioned unto him in his righteousness that he hath done he shall live And Christ saith Job 3.16 God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever believeth in him should not perish but have everlasting life And this is life eternal to know God and Jesus Christ whom he hath sent I bless God he hath made me now to believe not only in word but to labour to bring forth the fruits thereof in a godly life and conversation 2. I cannot but admire the free love of God to me that though I have given ear formerly to the Devil and to the world and to my own wicked heart yet God hath been thus pleased now to call me out of darkness into his most marvellous light 3. God hath been pleased to give me faith to believe that though sin hath abounded in me yet grace shall now much more abound This makes me to see the free love of God without any desert in the creature 4. I have formerly gone about to limit God and to be upon tearms with him that if he would give me so much of these worldly things as I thought needful then I would spend more time in those duties which he hath commanded me But this is contrary to the Word of God which teacheth me now First to seek the Kingdom of God and the righteousness thereof knowing that all other things shall be added to me that I want 5. And now blessed be God he hath made me to believe this and all other promises so that I can by faith call God my Father who hath promised me that All things shall work together for good to me because I love him 6. I have found something from God of hope of mercy since I was a faithful hearer of the word though the Devil did before tempt me with objections to drive me to despair for sin 7. I am now I praise my God comforted in believing that God will not mention my sins against me Christ dyed for sinners and the ungodly and I know that although I have been a great sinner yet this hinders me not from laying hold on the promises 8. I do believe that the Life I now live I live by the faith of the Son of God I see by faith that Christ hath satisfied Gods justice for my sins in particular and hath bid me to reckon my self in him 9. Now being spiritually marryed to Christ all the priviledges of Saints and believers belong to me And I can say All is mine and I am Christs and Christ is Gods Who shall lay any thing to the charge of Gods Elect It is God that hath justified me Who is he that shall condemn me being now justified by Faith in Christ I have peace with God 10. I know when this earthly Tabernacle is dissolved I shall have an abiding not made with hands but eternal in the Heavens for Christ saith I am gone to prepare a place for you that is for me and all Believers 10. All the promises of God in Christ are spoken to believers and by faith I believe they are made to me and because he lives I shall live also Now Christ hath made me free I am free indeed 11. Christ hath done all for me only bids me to believe which faith by his Spirit he hath wrought in me 12. I have formerly been stirred up to hear pray and read upon felfish consideration of fear that otherwise I should go to Hell And I am ashamed to think how I have chosen rather to believe what the Devil hath said than what God hath said But blessed be the Lord I now see it is free love that he forgiveth iniquity transgressions and sins only because mercy pleaseth him all that I can do cannot 13. I am guilty before Gods justice in my self both by original sin which came by the fall of Adam and much more by
which held me as a bond-slave near thirty years to the great endangering both of my Body and Soul but yet it pleased the Lord to look graciously upon me and to give me afterwards an hatred against this vice and withal he put into my mind a resolution which I confirmed with a vow as followeth That as I loved God and his Word or my own Soul I would never play at any game for money so long as I lived The Lord was pleased to accept of my good will and blessed me and mine in my lawfull calling many years untill at the last that old Serpent the Devil envying my happy proceedings in this Reformation he drew me into many other sins which had almost brought me to as bad an end as the first But the Lord out of the lowest Extremities gives in remedies to his Children and he gave me an hatred against them also and a Resolution Never to commit them any more Yet about two or three years after that old enemy of mankind Satan that roaring Lion seeking whom he may devour came again with turnings to destroy me perswading me that to drink with my Neighbours was acceptable to God which may be used without excess but I gave will the full reins which brought me back again to my former courses withal annexing wrath and anger to my House and Family perswading me that I must rule in my house which had brought me besides my self had not God helped me who never fails those whom he loves and that put their trust in him For presently upon this extremlty he sent this remedy 1. A sight of my sins 2. A grief and sorrow for them 3. A resolution to leave them And 4. The Lord carryed me through a way to leave them which was thus I began to call to mind what was the greatest thing I loved in this World and in the World to come besides those that I named before which I set opposite to these two monsters Then I vowed before the Lord desiring his assistance That as I loved the Holy Ghost the comforter or ever looked to have comfort from the blessed communion of the body and blood of Christ Jesus to cleanse my sins so if I did remember or was in perfect sense I would never drink above two reasonable glasses or cups of Wine or four cups of Beer in any one place or at any one time without any Equivocation And that at any time when I came into the doors of my house if there were any controversie in my Family that then I would with gentle perswasions do my best indeavour to end it And this with Gods help I would perform And I prayed O Lord my God bless my hand and my heart to perform thy will that when any temptation to gaming or drunkenness or lust shall assault me either by thought or any other means that then presently I may fly unto thee in the name of Christ Jesus my Saviour And I do still fly unto God confessing and sorrowing for my sins desiring the Lord to help and assist me to perform and keep all these and in all thing to serve God as long as I live I cannot be so humbled for my sins as I desire yet have I had much trouble for sin and have shed tears many a time and I have been much troubled that my heart cannot be broken enough yet I have had many crosses but I know it is the hand of God and I desire to lye low before him When God first discovered my sins to me I was was much terrified But I have found much comfort in that glorious promise which God made when Adam had sinned that The seed of the Woman should break the Serpents head Gen. 3. And also that sweet Promise declared by the Lord Jesus Come unto me all ye that are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest Matth. 11.28 And Peter declareth saving Repent and be converted that your sins may be blotted out when the times of refreshing shall come from the presence of the Lord. I have pleaded these and several other promises with God and have by faith trusted in God who bids us cast our care on him and he will care for us 1 Pet. 5.7 And I do believe in God and cast my self upon him knowing all the Promises to be yea and Amen in Christ And I have these effects of Gods gracious spirit working Regeneration in my Soul 1. In that the Lord blessed be his holy name hath so setled my heart on himself that I could leave friends relations and all things for God 2. I find in my heart a real affection and love strongly carryed out to all the children of God and I love to do good to the people of God 3. I take much delight to hear the word of God preached and to partake of duties with the people of God to have communion with God in private duties 4. I am troubled when my heart is cold in duty but much comforted when my heart is inlarged towards God 5. I believe that God will save me through Christ for ever T. G. XXXIII Experiences of M. H. IN my youthful age it pleased God to give me an heart to take delight to hear the Word preached at many places but especially at St. Antholins at the morning Lectures and this I did often for some time untill Satan stirred up many Instruments to call me Puritan with many other reproachful tearms that made me ashamed to go in publick but like Nicodemus by stealth as it were in the dark But it pleased the Lord to convince me of Satans wiles that he was a deceiver from the first and that in hearing the word Preached those that would be Souldiers in Christs School must not be daunted for every foyl and If I did look for Salvation by Jesus Christ I must manfully fight under the Banner of Christ and hold out to the end if I would be saved From the consideration hereof God was pleased to put courage into my heart to hold on in the ways of God and in professing the Gospel which I did though with abundance of weakness and difficulties and thus I did continually go on though darkly until it pleased God to break forth in his most glorious light for by special providence I was brought to see an utter ruine to my Soul without a Christ and tho' I had heard much of Christ by the outward ear yet had I no experimental knowledge of him till the word of Christ shewed me that my condition was such as Paul speaks of to the Ephesians that I was dead in trespasses and sins and except I was quickned by the Spirit and by Faith did bath my Soul in the blood of Christ I was an undone creature notwithstanding all my long hearing the word preached Having then weighed many circumstances and had conference with many of the people of God both Preachers and others I was very much strengthened in faith and had an assurance
of the love of God in Christ Jesus whereby I did find much comfort to my Soul and since hearing some able Ministers of the Gospel hold forth most precious truths I found much comfort And more particularly Mr. Bridges of Yarmouth opening that comfortable Scripture Pfal 41.11 Why art thou cast down O my Soul why art thou disquieted within me trust in God c. His Doctrine was That a godly man had no just cause to be discouraged whatsoever his condition was either the sence of sin or the temptations of Satan or trouble or afflictions that a man had cause to be humbled for the least sin but not to be discouraged at the greatest from trusting in God but to rely upon the Lord by Faith in Christ whatsoever his disincouragements were which hath since caused me to walk in a thankful posture towards God for his unspeakable mercy and It is my great grief that I can be no more thankful seeing I have received so much mercy from God whom I do daily offend which hath made me with Paul to cry out O wretched man that I am who shall deliver me from this body of death But that the next words produce comfort blessed be God through Jesus Christ Yet after this it pleased God to suffer me to fall into a sinful condition by being too confident in my own strength which fall cost me abundance of tears sighs and sobbings of heart even as David said to the breaking and drying of my bones It made me walk sadly for many months together even to despair of any help And seeing I had brought so much dishenour to God and scandal to the Gospel and reproach to the Professors thereof this did much press my soul Considering what a Professor I was before in standing for the glory of God and opposing all gainsayers and for me to fall Oh! this did make such gashes in my soul that the consideration thereof caused rue to walk sadly and sorrowfully and with so much shame that I could not indure to go in the streets But that urgent necessity forc'd me to go out for comfort Then it pleased God by special providence to east me under Dr. Homes his Ministry and he treated on that subject concerning backsliding out of Jer. 14 v. 7. O Lord though our iniquities testify against us yet do thou it for thy name sake for our back slidings are many c. which Sermon was by the working of the Spirit of God effectual unto me for I was almost under despair before but the Lord was pleased to give me much comfort from this Doctrine That Saints may be guilty of many backslidings yet they should not despair for that was a greater sin The Doctor made this Use That if Saints might break their peace wicked and unregenerate men might break their necks A second use was that a Saint should beware of backsliding and make all speed to go to Jesus Christ for more strength to keep and uphold him for the future This did give me some comfort and caused me to set upon the work of seeking to Jesus Christ more earnestly because Christ told Paul that his grace was sufficient for him I had rested in that little mustard-seed-faith I had before but now it did begin to spring and blossom to the praise and glory of Jesus Christ that he should as it were snatch me as a Brand out of those burnings of Hell and establish my poor soul by his free grace to see all my iniquities laid to the charge of Christ as Isa 53. v. 5. All we like sheep have gone astray we have turned every one to his own way and the Lord hath laid on him the iniquities of us all Which Scripture being opened by a worthymember of that Church Mr. F. it did much strengthen my Faith in the Application when I came to consider First That it was iniquity that the Lord Jehovah laid on Christ Secondly That it was my iniquity that was thus laid on him Thirdly that it was the Lord himself that did lay it on him And Fourthly That the Lord had done it already it was not now to do All these points did much comfort me seeing they were back'd by Scripture and such a caution given by the Apostle Paul Heb. 3.12 saying Take heed lest there be found in you an evil heart of unbelief c. Which is a great sin and plague to any poor Soul this wrought much with me but then applying several other Scriptures to the everlasting praise of Jehovah and to Jesus Christ my Saviour this scripture was produced in Psal 68.16 compared with the Apostles words speaking of Christ Thoâ— hast ascended up on high and led captivity captive and received gifts for men even rebellious ones that the Lord God may dwell amongst them And that of Ezek. 16.7,8,9,10 A precious Scripture for troubled souls to be meditated on for comfort That a man being in his filth and guilt and all over with blood nay when no eye would pity him that then was a time of love to his soul Oh! mercy and free grace indeed Theâ— again considering The new Covenant to open blind eyes and to bring prisners out of prison to the glorious light and liberty of the sons of God and his proclamation Isa 55. Hâ—every one that thirsteth come and in that of Joh. 6. v. 37. him that cometh to Christ he hath promised in no wise to cast out Though thy sins he as Crimson and Searlet yea of such a deep dye as that with Paul I may say to be chief of sinners yet it pleased God to give me in refreshment from he same Scripture About two years since Providence cast my Lot at Westminster where I heard Mr. W. and having observed many honest people at hearing of the Word I then sought to the Lord by earnest prayer so to direct me by his blessed Spirit that my only aims might be for his glory the good of others and with comfort to my own soul It pleased the Lord to direct my heart notwithstanding all opposition of Satan and the persuasion of some others to resolve and to break through all opposition and difficulties and to joyn in the worship of the Lord God of our Fathers and so walk in his ways according to the strictest rule of the Gospel of Jesus Christ held forth in his Word M. H. XXXIV EXPERIENCES of L. P. ABout twenty years since I being then with Child was much troubled at some thoughts which God put into my mind touching my conversation which lay so fore and heavy upon me that I could not tell what to do Because I saw though I endeavoured as much as I could to do my duty to my God yet I was not able to live as I should and then I began to know what the worm of conscience meant I feeling what until then I was ignorant of and the blackness of my spirit was such with the burden of my troubled and afflicted soul that I could
not at that time take comfort in any thing and had I not been with child affected with natural inclination to the Babe in my womb I had been in danger had not God prevented me to have destroyed my self for I had some temptations that way but my God strengthened me yet before I was brought to bed I found peace and comfort and through grace had such settlement in my spirit that I could with joy night and day call upon my God believingly but before I attained to this I had many sore conflicts until after some considerations that the Lord had put into my mind as first touching the child that I went with because God hath said The just and innocent slay thou not and then considering the innocency of the child it became a means to stay my hand from laying violence upon my self Yet for a time I was much troubled in spirit till God gave me peace from these and other Scriptureâ— promises where the Lord saith Call upon me in the day of trouble and I will deliver thee thou shalt glorify me Psal 50.15 Sin shall not have dominion over you for ye are noâ— under the Law but under grace Rom. 6.14 Now the testimonies of my conversion and true believing in which I hope I have a seal of my Interest in the Lord Iesus are these 1. My love to God which is real sincere and hearty desiring him above any thing else whatsoever 2. My relying upon Jesus Christ having nothing of my own to rest upon I fly to him and rest oâ— him for all as my alone Saviour and Redeemer 3. I delight to read the holy Word of God and to hear or other wise to partake thereof in which I find much comfort 4. The comfort which I find by inlargement of my soul when God comes in under the means in dutys and the loathnesse I have to be deprived of the Ordinances 5. The Peace I find with my God in my soul which is sweet though not without much heaviness of spirit for my failings I do not live without waines and changes in my Spiritual life and faith towards the Lord for sometimes I trust God with all and at other times I meet with some donbtings yet blessed be God I find them more and more asswaged and my communion with Christ every day more sweet and full 6. I doubt not but the Lord Jesus Christ my Redeemer will so support me through his Grace that what ever my condition hath been or shall be here I shall not fail of salvation through Christ in heaven for ever L. P. XXXV Experiences of F. P. I Have been troubled at the thoughts of my corruptions and wretched condition I have formerly had some doubtings touchings the Scriptures whether they were truth or not but have been since troubled that I made those foolish doubtings to question Gods word and was so wounded in my Conscience for my sin therein that I feared I should be damned for it because I thought it was a sin that God would not pardon I had also strange thoughts about the sinful wayes of ungodly people and considering how loosely people live I and temptations to perswade me that surely there was some easier way to Heaven then the Scriptures had laid down or then I had learnt But for these evil thoughts of mine I have been so afflicted in my spirit that I thought I was a damned wretch I have been tempted by these blasphemous thoughts against the Lord which have so afflicted me that sometimes I feared the Devil would fetch me away and carry me to Hell and I have thought sometimes that surely God could not in justice pardon such sinnes as I have committed I have also been tempted to make away my self but the Lord God put me in mind to consider that it would not give me ease or comfort but be the way to enter into endless miseries And thus I lay afflicted with a most sad trouble some spirit for about a year yet though with little hope from my present sence I had desires that God would save me and some groanings I had after him And in his time which is best I began to find inlargement of heart from God and a great longing for Christ which encreased through the working of his glorious power so that me thought I could have been content to have gone through all the miseries in the World to have enjoyed him And in my sleep I dreamed that I saw my Saviour lying in a Grave and after again I saw him risen from death when I awaked and had some thoughts about my dream I found comfort in my soul and begun more sweetly to hope that Christ Jesus dyed for my sins and is risen again for my justification but the Devil who goes about like a roaring Lyon did still tempt me so that I was again ready to despair for my former evil thoughts and I was afraid that Satan would have me and I doubted that God had no part in me which caused me to weep much and I was exceedingly troubled and sometimes thought that verily I heard the Devil coming in a Whirlwind for me and so terrified was my conscience that from the thoughts of the wrath which I feared I could have wished my self a Beast a Dog or any thing because their misery would have an end But aftermany comfortable discourses with friends and reading some godly books that came to my hands the Lord God in time delivered me from those temptations and hath since comforted me with these Promises to the great joy of my heart though some times I have not been without some doubtings The Lord hath said Be content with such things as ye have for he hath said I will never leave thee nor forsake thee so that I may boldly say the Lord is my helper Heb. 13.5,6 The Lord saith sin shall not have dominion over you Rom. 6.14 This hath often given me much comfort and kept up my soul when I have been ready to despair And Christ saith I will pray the Father and he shall give you another comforter that he may abide with you for ever even the Spirit of truth John 14.16,17 And I have this testimony of my interest in Christ by faith wrought by his blessed Spirit in me 1 I see such a frailty in my flesh that except the Lord send his holy Spirit to inable me I cannot do any thing of my duty to God of my self it is the Spirit of the Lord and not any thing in me that is the foundation of my comfort 2. I have had many times if my heart deceive me not clear testimonies and evidences that I love God more than any thing else and desire him above all 3. I desire much to hear the Word and am troubled that sometimes it doth not so pierce into my heart as I desire 4. I have sometimes such sweet comforts and enlargements in my soul that I find much peace with God thereby which I
walks upright that sees the wonderful works of God and has the uses of his sense and reason should use them to the defying of his Creator But tho' this was a good beginning towards my Conversion to find my Conscience touched for my sins yet it went off again yet all my life long I had a secret value and reverence for an honest man and lov'd Morality in others but I had formed an odd Scheme of Religion to my self which would solve all that God or Conscience might force upon me yet I was not ever well reconciled to the business of Religion nor had that reverence for the Gospel as I ought to have This Estate of mind continued till the 53. chapter of Isaiah was read to him wherein there is a lively discription of the sufferings of our saviour and the benefits thereof and some other portions of Scripture by the power and efficacy of which word assisted by his holy spirit God so wrought upon his heart that he declared that the mysteries of the Passion appeared so clear and plain to him as ever any thing did that was represented in a glass so that the joy and admiration which possessed his soul upon the reading of Gods word to him was remarkable to all about him and he had so much delight in his Testimonies that he begged his mother and Lady to read the same to him frequently and was unsatisfied notwithstanding his great pains and weakness till he had learned especialy the 53. chapter of Isaiah with out book comparing this prophecy with the Passion of Christ in the Evangelists and observing that it was clearly foretold by the Prophet some hundred of years before it was accomplished and this consideration had such mighty influence upon his soul and strengthned his faith that afterward he never had the least doubt about the certainty of the Gospel and eternal salvation by Jesus Christ He said the in the first verse of that chapter the prophet declared what great opposition the Doctrine of Christ Crucified would meet with in the world from such obstinate sinners as he was who hath believed our report and to whom is the arm of the Lord revealed And that the lowliness of his condition and person upon earth would cause weak and inconsidering men to undervalue him because he did not appear with the vain splendor pomp wherin they were pleased This he said was plainly predicted in the second verse He hath no form of comliness and when we shall see him there is no beauty that we should desire him At the same time discoursing of the manner of his youth up which all men knew was too too much devoted to the service of sin and that the lusts of the flesh of the eye and the pride of life had captivated him He was very large and particular in his acknowledgments about it and more ready to accuse himself than any other could be Publickly crying out O Blesse God can such an horrid creature as I am be accepted by thee who has denied thy Being and contemned thy Power can there be Pardon and mercy for me will God own such a wretch as I am shall the unspeakable joys of heaven be conferred upon me O Mighty Saviour never but through thine infinite love and satisfaction O never but by the purchase of thy blood Adding that withall abhorrency he did reflect upon his former course of life that sincerely and from his heart he did repent of all that folly and madness which he had committed He had a true and lively sense of God's great mercy to him in strikeing his hard heart and laying his conscience open which hitherto had been deaf to all God's calls and methods saying If that God who dyed for Great as well as Lesser sinners did not speedily apply his infinite merits to his poor soul his wound was such as no man could conceive or bear Crying out that he was the vilest wretch and Dog that the sun shined upon or the earth bore that now he saw his error in not living up to that Reason which God had endued him with and which he had unworthily vilified and centemned wishing that he had been a starving Leper crawling in a ditch that he had been a link boy or a beggar or for his whole lifetime confined to a Dungeon rather than thus to have sinned against his God His faith was remarkable in an hearty embraceing and pious Confession of all the Articles of the Christian Religion and all the Divine mysteries of the Gospel saying that the absurd and foolish Philosophy which the world so much admired propogated by the late Mr. Hobs and others had undone him and many more of the best Parts in the nation who without Gods great mercy may never it may be attain to such a serious repentance as his was He faithfully adhered to and cast himself entirely upon the mercies of Jesus Christ and the free grace of God declared to repenting sinners thro' him with a thankful remembrance of his life Death and resurrection begging of God to strengthen his faith and often crying out Lord I believe help thou mine unbelief He had a mighty love for and esteem of the holy Scriptures which he had formerly too much slighted and ridicul'd taking up resolutions to read them frequently and meditate upon them if God should spare him having already tasted the good word for having spoken to his heart he acknowledged all the seeming absurdities and contradictions thereof fancied by men of corrupt and reprobate judgments were vanished and their excellencies and beauty appeared being come to receive the truth in the love of it He was extraordinary servent and frequent in his prayers and supplications and often called upon others to pray for and with him or to read the Scriptures to him and toward the end of his sickness would heartily desire God to pardon his infirmities if he should not be so wakeful Intent thro' the duty as he wished to be and that tho' the flesh was weak yet the Spirit was willing and hoped God would accept that He continually beseeched God by his grace and Holy Spirit to sustain him and to keep him from all evil thoughts from all temptations and Diabolical suggestions and every thing that might be prejudicial to that religious temper of mind which God had now so happily endued him withal Crying out one night especially how terribly the Tempter did assault him by casting upon him leud and wicked imaginations but I thank God said he I abhor them all and by the power of his grace which I am sure is sufficient for me I have overcome them t' is the malice of the Devil because I am rescued from him and the goodness of God that frees me from all my spiritual enemies He was very joyful at his Lady's conversion from Popery being as he termed it a faction supported only by fraud and cruelty which was done by her with deliberation and mature judgment He was