Friends and publish what I have done to the end my Family may so love me now as if I were dead All thanked their Master for his kindness and he as having forgotten trifles called for a Copy of his Will which he read from one end to the other the Family all the while sighing and sobbing afterwards turning to Habinas Tell me my best of Friends said he do you go on with my Monument as I directed ye I earnestly entreat ye that at the Feet of my Statue you Carve me my little Bitch as also Garlands and Ointments and all the Battles I have been in that by your kindness I may live when I am dead Be sure too that it have an hundred Feet as it fronts the High-way and as it looks towards the Fields two hundred I will also that there be all sorts of Fruit and Vines round my Ashes and that in great abundance For it is a gross mistake to furnish Houses for the Living and take no care of thâ—se we are to abide in for ever And therefore in the first place I will have it Engravenâ— LET NO HEIR OF MINE PRETEND TO THIS MONUMENT And that I may receive no injury after I am dead I 'll have a Codicil annext to my Will whereby I 'll appoint one of my Freed-men the Keeper of this Monument that the People make not a House-of-Office of it Make me also I beseech you on this my Monument Ships under full Sail and my self in my Robes sitting on the Bench with five Gold Rings on my Fingers and scattering Moneys among the common People for you know I have ordered ye a Funeral Feast and Two-pence a-piece in Money You shall also if you think â—it shape me some of these Beds we now sit on and all the People making their Court to me On my right hand place my Fortunata's Statue with a Dove in one hand and leading a little Dog in her Girdle with the other As also my Cicero and large Wine Vessels close Cork'd that the Wine don't run out and yet Carve one of them as brokâ—n and a Boy weeping over it as also a Sun-Dial in the middle that whoever comes to see what 's a-Clock may read my Name whether he will or no. And lastly have a special consideration whether you think this Epitaph sufficient enough HERE RESTS CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO PATRON OF THE LEARNED A TROOP OF HORSE WAS DECREED HIM WITHOUT SUING FOR AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN A SENATOR WOULD HE HAVE ACCEPTED IT A PIOUS MAN HONEST VALIANT AND TRUE TO HIS FRIEND HE RAISED â—IMSELF FROM LITTLE OR NOTHING BUT LEFT BEHIND HIM A PRODIGIOUS ESTATE YET NEVER HEARD A PHILOSOPHER FAREWEL TO YOU ALSO This said Trimalâ—hio wept plentifully Fortunata wept Habinas wept and the whole Family sâ—t up a cry as it had been his Funeral nay I also whin'd for company when quoth Trimalchio Since you know we must diâ— why don't we live while we may so lâ—â— me live my self to see you happy as if we plunge our selves in the â—â—â—h we shall not repâ—nt it At â—y 〈◊〉 â—e iâ— I 'll lead the way for thi◠〈◊〉 is grown as hot as an Ovâ—n Saâ— you so quoâ—h Habiâ—aâ— noâ—â—m â— aâ—â—aid â—o make two days of one and therewith got up barefoot and follow'd Trimalchio I on the other hand turning to Asâ—yltos asked him what he thought of it for if I but see the Bath I shall swoon away Let 's lagg behind then said he and whilst they are getting in we 'll slip off in the Crowd The contrivance pleased us and so Gito leading the way through the Portico we came to the last Gate where a chained Dog bolted upon us so furiously that Ascyltos fell into the Fish-Pond I who had been frighted at the painted Dog and now gotten as Drunk as Ascyltos while I endeavoured to get hold of him fell in my self at last the Porter 's coming in saved us for he quieted the Dog and drew us out but Gito like a sharp Rascal delivered himself for whatever had been given him at Supper to carry home with him he threw it the Dog and that mollified him But when shivering with cold we desired the Porter to let us out You 're mistaken said he if ye think to go ouâ— the same way ye came in for no Guest ere yet did they came in at one Gaâ—â— and are let out by another In this sad pickle what should we do we found our selves in a new kind of Labyrinth and for bathing we 'd enough of it already However necessity enforcing us we pray'd him to shew us the way to the Bath and Gito having hung out our Cloaths a drying in the Porch we entred the Bath which was somewhat narrow and sunk in the Earth not unlike a Rain-water Cistern in this stood Trimalchio stark-naked Nor could we avoid his filthy tricks for he said nothing was better than to bathe in a Crowd and that very place had in times past been a Grinding-house Being weary at length he sate down and provok'd by the noisiness of the Bath set up his drunken Throat and fell a murdering some Songs of Menecrates as they that understood him told us Other Guests ran round the Cistern with their Arms across and made a clamorous slap with their Mouths others either try'd to take up a Ring from the Pavement with their Hands bound behind them or putting one Knee to the ground to kiss their great Toes backward While they thus entertained one another we went into the Hot-house that had been heated for Trimalchio and being now recovered of our Drunkenness were brought into another Room where Fortunata had set out a fresh Entertainment Above the Lamps I observed some Womens Gewgaws The Tables were massy Silver the Earthen Ware double gilt and a Conduit running with Winâ— when quoth Trimalchio This day my Friends a Servant of mine opened a Barber's Shop he 's well to pass a thriâ—ty Fellow and a favourite of mine Come let the Floor have a drink as well as our selves and for our part we 'll sit to it till day-light While he was yet speaking a Cock crow'd at which Trimalchio grew disordered and commanded the Winâ— to be thrown under Table and sprinkle the Lamps with it then changing a Ring to his right Hand it is not for nothing said he this Trumpeter has given us notice for either the House should be on â—ire or one of the Neighbourhood will kill himself Far from us be it and therefore whoever brings me this discoverer I 'll give him a reward When immediately a Cock was brought in and Trimalchio commanding to have him drest he was torn in pieces by that exquisite Cook who a little before had made us Fish and Fowl of a Hog and put in a Stew-pan and while Daedalus was taking a lusty draught Fortunata ground Pepper After which Trimalchio taking some of the Banquet bid the Waiters go to Supper and let others supply their places Whereupon
them on the Boys Head 'T would be too long to recount every thing We went into the Hot-house and having sweated a little into the Cold Bath and while Trimalchio was anointed from Head to Foot with a liquid Perfume and rubb'd clean again not with Linnen but the finest Flannen his Three Chyrurgeons ply'd the Muscadine but brawling over their Cups Trimalchio said it was his turn to drink then wrapt in a Scarlet Mantle he was laid on a Litter born by Six Servants with Four Lacqueys in rich Liveries running before him and by his side a Sedan in which was carried his Darling a stale bleer eyed Catamite more Ill-favoured than his Master Tremalchio who as they went on kept close to his Ear with a Flagellet as if he had whispered him and made him musick all the way Wondering we followed and with Agamemnon came to the Gate on which hung a Tablet with this this Inscription WHAT EVER SERVANT GOES FORTH WITHOUT HIS MASTER'S COMMAND HE SHALL RECEIVE AN HUNDRED STRIPES In the Porch stood the Porter in a Green Livery girt about with a Cherry-coloured Girdle garbling of Pease in a Silver Charger and over head hung a Golden Cage with a Magpye in it which gave us an All Hail as we entred But while I was gaping at these things I had like to have bâ—oken my Neck backward for on the left hand not far from the Porter's Lodge there was a great Dog in a Chain painted on the Wall and over him written in Capital Letters BEWARE THE DOG My Companions could not forbear laughing but I recollecting my Spirits pursued my design of going to the end of the Wall it was the draught of a Market-place where Slaves were bought and sold with Bills over them There was also Trimalchio with a white Staff in his Hand and Minâ—rva with a Train after her entring Rome Then having learnt how to cast Accompt he was made Auditor all exquisitely painted with their proper Titles and at the end of the Gallery Mercury lifting him by the Chin and placing him on a Judgment-Seaâ— Fortune stood by him with a Cornucopia and the Three fatal Sisters winding a Golden Thread I observed also in the same place a Troop of Lightâ—horsemen with their Commander Exercising them as also a large Armory in one of the Angles of which stood a Shrine with the Gods of the House in Silver a Marble Statue of Venus and a large Golden Box in which it was said he kept the first Shavings of his Beard Then asking the Servant that had the charge of these things What Pictures those were in the middle The Iliads and the Odysses said he and on the left hand two spectacles of Sword-playing We could not bestow much time on iâ— for by this time we were come to the Diningâ—Room in the entry of which sate his Steward taking every ones Account But what I most admir'd were those bundles of Rods with their Axes that were fastned to the sides of the Door and stood as it were on the Brazen Prow of a Ship on which was written TO CAIUS POMPEIUS TRIMALCHIO OF PRAETORIAN DIGNITY CINNAMUS THE STEWARD Under the same Title also hung a Lamp of two Lights from the Roof of the Room and two Tablets on either side of the Door of which one if I well remember had this Inscription THE THIRD AND SECOND OF THE KALENDS OF JANUARY OUR PATRON CAIUS EATS ABROAD On the other was represented the Course of the Moon and the seven Stars and what Days were Lucky what Unlucky with an Emboss'd Studd to distinguish the one from the other Full of this Sensuality we were now entring the Room where one of his Boys set there for that purpose call'd aloud to us ADVANCE ORDERLY Nor is it to be doubted but we were somewhat concern'd for fear of breaking the Orders of the place But while we were footing it accordingly a Servant stript off his Livery fell at our Feet and besought us to save him a Whipping for he said his Fault was no great matter but that some Cloaths of the Stewards had been stoln from him in the Bath and all of them not worth Eighteen-pence We returned therefore in good Order and finding the Steward in the Counting-House telling some Gold besought him to remit the Servant's punishment When putting on an haughty Face It is not said he the loss of the thing troubles me but the Negligence of a carâ—lâ—ss Rasâ—al He has lost me the Garments I sâ—â—â— at Table inâ— and which a Cliâ—nt of â—ine presentâ—d me on my Birth-day no Man can deny them to be right Purple tho' not double Dye yet whaâ—evâ—r it be I grant your Request Having receiv'd so great a Favour as we were entring the Diningâ—Room the Servant for whom we had been Suitors met us and kissing us who stood wondring what the Humour meant over and over gave us thanks for our Civility and in short told us we should know by and by whom it was we had oblig'd The Wine which our Master keeps for his own drinking is the Waiters kindness At length we sate down when a bigger and sprucer sort of Boys coming about us some of them poured Snow-water on our Heads and others parâ—d the Nails of our Feet with a mighty dexterity and that not silently but Singing as it were by the bye I resolved to try if the whole Family Sang and therefore called for Drink which one of the Boys as readily brought me with an odd kind of Tune and the same did every one as you asked for any thing You 'd have taken it for a Morris dancers Hall not the Table of a Person of Quality Then came in a sumptuoâ—s Antepast for we were all seated but only Trimalchio for whom after a new fashion the chief Place was reserv'd Besides that as a part of the Entertainment there was sâ—t by us a large Vessel of Metheglin with a Pannier in the one part of which were whitâ— Olives in the other black two broad Platters covered the Vessel on the brims of which were Engraven Trimalchio's Name and the weight of the Silver with little Bridges soldered together and on them Dormice strew'd over with Honey and Poppy There were also piping-hot Sausages on a Silver Gridiron and under that large Damsons with the Kernels of Pomegranats In this Condition were we when Trimalchio himself was waddled into the Consort and being close bolster'd with Neck-cloaths and Pillows to keep off the Air we could not forbear laughing unawares For his bald Pate peep'd out of a Scarlet Mantle and over the load of Cloaths he lay under there hung an Embroidered Towel with Purple Tassels and Fringes dingle dangle about it He had also on the little Finger of his left Hand a large Gilt Ring and on the outmost Joint of the Finger next it one lesser which I took for all Gold but at last it appeared to be Jointed together with a kind of Stars of Steel And that we might see
for the Cook that had forgotten to Bowel the Hog was still in my thoughts I began therefore to look about the Room for fear somewhat or other might drop through the Cieling while the Servant that had bound up his Arm in white not Scarlet-colour Flannen was soundly beaten Nor was I much out for instead of another Course came in an order of Trimalchio's by which he gave the Boy his Freedom that it might not be saidâ— so Honourable a Person had been hurt by his Slave We all commended the Action but chatted among our selves with what little Consideration the things of this World were done You 're in the right said Trimalchio nor ought this Accident to pass without Booking and so calling for the Journal commanded it to be Entred and with as little thought tumbled out these Verses What 's least expected falls into our Dish And Fortune's more indulgent than our Wish Therefore Boy fill the generous Wine about This Epigram gave occasion to talk of the Poets and Marsus the Trachian carry'd the Bays a long while till Trimalchio turning to some Wit amongst them I beseech ye Master of mine said he tell me what difference take ye between Cicero the Orator and Publius the Poet for my part I think one was more Eloquent the other the honester Man for what could be said better than this Now sinking Rome grows weak with Luxury To please her appetite cram'd Peacocks die Their gaudy Plumes a modish Dress supply For her the Guinnea Hen and Capon 's drest The Stork it self for Rome's luxurious Taste Must in a Caldron build its humbl'd Nest That foreign friendly pious long-leg'd thing Grateful that with shrillâ—sounding notes does sing All Winter 's gone yet ushers in the Spring Why in one Ring must three rich Pearls be worn But that your Wives th' exhausted Seas adorn Abroad t' increase their Lust at home their Scorn Why is the costly Emrald so desir'd Or richer glittering Carbuncle admir'd Becaâ—se they sparkle is 't with that you 're fir'd Well Honesty 's a Jewâ—l Now none knows A modest Bride from a kept Whore by'er Cloathsâ— For Cobweb Lawns both Spouse Wench expose But now we talk after the rate of the Learned which said he are the most difficult Trades I think a Physician and a Banker A Physitian because he knows a Man's very heart and when the Fits of an Ague will return tho' by the way I hate them mortally for by their good will I should have nothing but Slubber-slops And a Banker because he 'll find out a piece of Brass Money tho' plated with Silver There are also brute Beasts Sheep and Oxen laborious in their kind Oxen to whom we are beholding for the Bread we eat and Sheep for the Wooll that makes us so fine But O horrid we both eat the Mutton and make us warm with the Fleece I take the Bees for Divine Creatures they give us Honey thoâ— 't is said they stole it from Jupiter and that 's the reason why they Sting For where-ever ye meet any thing that 's sweet you 'll ever find a Sting at the end of it He also excluded Philosophers from business while the Memoirs of the Family were carrying round the Table and a Boy set for that purpose read aloud the Names of the Presents appointed for the Guests to carry home with them Wicked Silver what can it not Then a Gammon of Bacon was set on the Table and above that several sharp Sauces a Night-Cap for himself Pudding-Pies and I know not what kind of Birds There was also brought in a Rundlet of Wine boiled off a third part and kept under Ground to preserve its strength There were also several other things I can give no account of besides Apples Scallions Peaches a Whip a Knife and what had been sent him as Sparrows a Flye-flap Raisons Attick Honey Night-Gowns Judges Robes dry'd Paste Table-Books with a Pipe and a Foot-stool After which came in an Hare and a Sole-Fish And there was further sent him a Lamprey a Water-Rat with a Frog at his Tail and a bundle of Beets Long time we smiled at these and five hundred the like that have now slipt my Memory But now when Ascyltos who could not moderate himself held up his hands and laught at every thing nay so downright that he was ready to cry A Free-man of Trimalchio's that sate next above me grew hot upon 't And what said he thou Sheep what dost thou laugh at does not this Sumptuousness of my Master please you you 're richer forsooth and eat better every day so may the Guardian of the place favour me as had I sate near him I 'd hit him a Box on the Ear ere this A hopeful Cullion that mocks others some pitiful Night-walker not worth the very Urine he makes and should I throw mine on him knows not where to dry himself I am not so help me Hercules quickly angry yet Worms are bred even in tender Flesh He laughs what has he to laugh at what Wooll did his Father give for the Bantling Is he a Roman Knight I am the Son of a King How came I then you 'll say to serve another I did it of my self and had rather be a Citizen of Rome than a Tributary King and now hope to live so as to be no Man's Jeast I walk like other Men with an open Face and can shew my Head among the best for I owe no Man a Groat I never had an Action brought against me or said to me on the Exchange Pay me what thou owest me I bought some Acres in the Country and have every thing suitable to it I feed twenty mouths besides Dogs I ransomed my Bond-Woman lest another should wipe his Hands on her Smock and between our selves she cost me more than I 'll tell ye at present I was made a Captain of Horse gratis and hope so to die that I shall have no occasion to blush in my Grave But art thou so prying into others that thou never considerest thy self Canst thou spy a Louse on another Man's Coat and not see the Tyck on thy own Your Master then is ancienter than your self and 't please him but yet thou whose Milk is not yet out of thy Nose that can'st not say Boh to a Goose must you be making Observations Are you the wealthier Man If you are Dine twice and Sup twice for my part I value my Credit more than Treasures Upon the whole matter where 's the Man that ever dunn'd me twice Thou Pipkin of a Man more limber but nothing better than a Strap of wet Leather I have served forty Years in this House came into it with my Hair full grown this Palace was not then built yet I made it my business to please my Master a Person of Honour the parings of whose Nails are more worth than thy whole Body I met several rubs in my way but by the help of my good Angel I broke through them all
This is truth it is as easie to make a Hunting-Horn of a Sow's Tail as to get into this Company What makes ye in a Dump now like a Goat at a heap of Stones On this Giâ—on who stood behind him burst out a laughing which the other taking notice of fell upon the Boy and Do you said he laugh too you curlpated chattering Magpye O the Saturnals why how now Sirrah is it the Month of December When were you Twenty I pray What would this Collop dropt from the Gibbeâ— this Crows-meat be at Iâ—ll find some or other way for Jupiter to plague thâ—e and him that brâ—d thee no better or never let me â—at a good Meals-meat again I could Sirrah but for the Companies sake I spare thee tho' either we understand not aright or they are Sots themselves that carry no better a hand over thee for without doubt it is true Like Master like Man I am hot by nature and can sâ—arce contain my self give me but a mess of Pease-Porridge and I care not two-pence for my Mother Very well I shall meet thee abroad thou Mouse nay rather Moleâ—Hill May I never thrive morâ— but I 'll drive that Master of thine into a blade of Rue nor shalt thou so help me Hercules ' scape me tho' thou couldst call in Jupiter to thy aid I shall off with those Locks and take thee when that triâ—â—ing Master of thine shall be oâ—t of the way thou wilt certainly fall into my hands and either I know not my self or I 'll make thee leave that Buffoonry Tho' thy Beard were of Gold I 'll have thee bruised in a Mortar and him that first taught thee I never sâ—udied Geometry Criticism and meer words without sense but I understand the sitting of Stones for Buildings can run you over a hundred things as to Metal Weight Coin and that to a tittle if you have a mind you and I will try it between us I 'll lay thee a Wager thou Wizard and tho' I am wholly ignorant of Rhetorick thou 'lt prâ—sently see thou hast lost Let no one run about the Bush to me I come up to him Resolve me I say which of us runs yet sâ—irs not out of his place which of us grows bigger and yet is less Do you scamper can't you tell what to make of it that you look so like a Mouse in a Trap Therefore either hold thy tonguâ— or don 't provoke a better Man than thy self who does not think thee fram'd of Nature unless thou fansiest me taken with those yellow curl'd Locks which thou hast already vowed to some Whore or other O lucky Opportunity come let 's walk the Exchange and see which of us can take up Money You 'll be satisfied then this Iron has Credit upon'tâ— a pretty thing is it not a drunken Fox So may I gain while I live and die well but the People will brain me if I follow not that Coat on thy back which is not for thy wearing where ever thou goest He 's a precious tool too whoever he were that taught thee a piece of green Cheese no Master I have learn'd as well as another Man and my Master said it would be my own another day Save your Worship get home as fast as you can but look well about you and have a care how you speak irreverently of your betters or viâ— Estates with them he that does it his Purse shall feel it For my self that you see me as I am I thank my Stars for the Art I have Ascyltos was making answer to his Railing when Trimalchio pleased with that good Grace of speaking Go to said he no more of this wild talk let us rather be pleasant And you Hermeros bear with the Young-man his Blood boils be thou the soberer Man he that is overcome in this matter goes off Conqueror Even thy self when thou wert such another Capon hadst nothing but Coco Coco and no heart at all Let us therefore which is the better of the two be heartily Merry and expect some admirers of Homer that will be here presently Nor were the words scarcâ— out of his moâ—th when in came a band of Men and made a rusâ—ling with thâ—ir Spears and Targets Trimalchio lâ—aned on his Pillow the Homerists ratled out Greek Verses as arrogantly enough they were wont to do and he read a Latin Book with a loâ—d voice whereupon Silence being made Know ye said he what Fable they were upon Diomedes and Ganymede were two Brothers and Helen was their Sister Agamâ—mnon stole him away and shamm'd Diana with a Hind in his room as says Homer in this place and how the Troâ—ans and the Parentines fought among themselves but at last he got the better of it and married his Daughter Iphigenia to Achilles on which Ajax run Mad. And there 's an end of the Talâ— On this the Homerists set up a Shoâ—t and a young boiled Heifer with an Helmâ—t on her Head was handed in upon a mighty Charger Ajax followed and with a drawn Sword as if he were mad made at it now in one place then in another still acting a Morris-dancer till having cut it into Joints he took them upon the point of his Sword and distribuâ—ed them Nor had we much time to admire the Conceit for of a sudden the Roof gave a crack and the whole Room shook For my part I got on my feet but all in confusion for fear some Tâ—mbler might drop on my head the same also were the rest of the Guests still gaping and expecting what new thing should come from the Clouds when straight the main Beams opened and a vast Circle was let down all round which hung Golden Garlands and Alabaster Pots of sweet Ointments While we were required to take up these Presents I chanced to cast an eye upon the Table where there lay a fresh Service of Cheese-cakes and Tarts and in the midst of them a lâ—sty Rundlet stuck round with all sorts of Apples and Grapes as they commonly draw that Figure We greedily reached our Hands towards it when of a sudden a new Diversion gave us fresh Mirth for all the Cheese-cakes Apples and Tarts upon the least touch threw out a delicious liquid Perfume which fell upon us We judging the Mess to be Sacred that was so gorgeously set out stood up and began a Health to the August Founder the Father of his Country After which Reverence falling to catch that catch could we filled our Napkinâ— and I chiefly who thought nothing too good for my Boy Gito During this in came three Boys in White their Coats tuck'd about them of whom two set on the Table three Houshold Gods with Broaches about their Necks and the other bearing round us a Goblet of Wine cry'd aloud Be the Gods Favourable The Name of this said he is Coblâ—r that other's Good-luck and the third's Spend-all And as the Image of Trimalâ—hio was carryed round and every one kiss'd it we thought it a shame not
another one commended the Mistress of the House t'other the Master when during this chatter Habinas stealing behind Fortunata gave her such a toss on the Bed that her Heels flew as high as her Head on which she gave a squeak or two and finding her Thighs bare ran her Head under Scintilla's Smock This held a while till Trimalchio calling for a second Service to â—ntertain his new Guests the Servants took away the Tables that were before us and having brought others strew'd the Room with Pin-dust mixt with Vermillion and Saâ—â—ron and what I never saw before the Dust of a Lookingâ—glass ground to Powder When immediately quoth Trimalchio I could have been contented with those first Dishes but since we have got other Tables we must also have another Service and if there be any thing worth our having bring it On which a sprâ—ce Boy that served us with warm Water began to imitate a Nightingale till Trimalchio giving the word a Servant that waited on Habinas set up another Humour and as I believe commanded by his Master nois'd out Mean time Aeneas had put off to Sea Nor was there ever a harsher sound yet pierced my Ear for besides his disordered Country Tone his pitiful and starvling way of delivery he so stufft it with scraps of Verses that even Virgil then first disrelished me till at last so tyr'd that he could hold no longer D' ye think said Habinas this Boy has learn'd nothing I bred him with Juglers that follow the Fair Nor has he his fellow whether he humours a Muliteer or a Jester This never-be-good has abundance of Wit he 's a Taylor a Cook a Baker a Jack of all Trades and but for two faults were exact to a hair He 's crack-brain'd and sâ—ores in his sleep For that cast of his Eye I value it not he looks like Venus and therefore his Tongue is ever running and were that Eye out he were worth the Money I gave for him On which Scintilla interrupting him told him he was a naughty Man for not telling all his Servanâ—s good qualities He 's a â—imp sâ—id he if not worse but I 'll take care he be branded for that Trimalâ—hio laught and said he knew he was a Cappadocian that never beguiled himself of any thing and so help me Hercules I commend him â—or't when will you find such another but Scintilla you must not be jealous Believe me and I know you too may I so enjoy the health you wish me as I play'd at Leap-frog so long with our Boy that my Master grew jealous and sent me to Dig in the Country But hold thy tongue and I 'll give thee a Loaf Hereupon the Raâ—â—al as if he had been praised all this while took oâ—t an Earthen Candlestick and for half an hour or better counterâ—eited the Hautboys Habinas singing the â—ase to him and â—labbering his under Lip with his Finger that done he went into â—he middle of the Room and clattering soâ—e Canes together one while imitated the Bagpipes and danced a Jigg to it and oâ—her while with a ragged Frock and a Whip humour'd a Fellow driving his Mâ—les till Habinas having called him first kisâ—'d him and then drank to him which the other pledged and wishing him better and better I give you said he a pair of Busâ—ins Nor had there ever been an end of this Trumpery had not that last Service of Blackbirds baked in good Pie-Crust with Raisins and Chessnuts been brought up and after them Quinceâ—Peaches so stuck with prickles that they look'd like Hedgâ—hogs Yet this might have been born with if the next â—ish had not been such that we had rather have starved than touch'd it For whâ—n it was â—et upon the Table anâ— as we thought a fat Goose with Fishes and all kind of Fowl round it whatever you see here said Trimalchio is all made of the same substance I like a cunning Cur straight apprehended what it mighâ— be and turning to Agamemnon I marvel said I whether they be all mash'd together or made of Loam for in a Saturnal at Rome my self saw the like imaginary shew of a Supper Nor had I scarce said it when quoth Trimalcâ—io let me so grow in Estate not Bulk as my Cook made all this out of one Hog there is not an excellenter Fellow than himself he shall if ye please make ye a Poll of Ling of a Sows Tripe a Wood-Culver of fat Bacon a Turtle of a Spring of Pork and a Hen of a Collar of Brawn and therefore of my own fancy I gave him a Name proper to him for he is called Daedalus And because he understands his business I had Chopping-Knives of the best Steel brought him from Rome and with that calling for them he turn'd them over and admiring them offered us the liberty of trying their Edge on his Cheâ—k On this came in two Servants as quarrelling about their Collars at which each of them had a large â—arthen Pot hanging and when Trimalchio determined the matter between them neither of them stood to his Sentence but fell to Club-Law and broke each others Pots This Drunken Presumption put us out of order yet casting an eye on the Combatants we saw Oisters and Scallops running from the Pots and another Boy receiving them in a Charger which he carried round the Guests Nor was the Cook 's Ingenuity short of the rest for he brought us a Dish of grill'd Snails on a Silver Gridiron and with a shrill unpleasant Voice Sang as he went I am asham'd of what follow'd for what was never heard of till then the Boys came in with a Bason of liquid Perfumes and first binding our Legs Ancles and Feet with Garlands anointed them with it and put the rest into the Wine Vessel and the Lamps And now Fortunata began to Dance and Scintilla's Hands went faster than her Tongue when quoth Trimalchio Sit down Philargyrus I give ye leave and you Carrio because you 're a Green-Ribbon-Man and you Minophilus bid your Comrade do the like what shall I say more The Family so crouded upon us that we were almost thrust off our Beds and who should be seated above me but the Cook who had made a Goose of a Hog all â—tinking of Pickle and Kitchen-stuff nor yet content that he sate amongst us he fell immediately to Personate Thespis the Tragedian and dare his Master to a Wager which of them two should win the Prize next Wrestling Trimalchio abash'd at the Challenge My Friends said he even Servants are Men and however oppress'd by ill luck sucked the same Milk our selves did and for mine it shall not be long e're I make them Free without prejudice to my self to be short I enfranchise all of them by my last Will and Testament I give Philargyrus a Country Farm and his she-Comrade to Carrio an Island with a twentieth part of my Moveables a Bed and its Furniture for I make Fortunata my Heiress whom I recommend to all my
the Sea there after I had been mewd up for three days reflecting afresh on my despis'd and abject condition I beat my breast as â—ick as it was and when my deep sighs wou'd suffer me often cry'd out Why has not the Earth burst open and swallow'd me Why has not the Sea o'rewhelm'd me that respects not even the Innocent themselves Have I been a Murderer when I had violated Lycas's Wife have I fled justice have I escap'd even when I was condemn'd to Dye to live in a strange place to have my Name recorded only among Beggars and Vagabonds and who condemn'd me to this solitude A Boy One who is a prostitute to all manner of Lust and by his own confession deserves to dye whom Sodomy has enobl'd from a Slave who was publickly contracted with as a Girl by one that knew he was of the other Sex and what a wretch is that other ye Gods whom when he might have writ Man his Mother perswaded even out of his Sex and putting on Petty-coats was condemn'd to a Maids Office in a Prison who after he had spent what he had and chang'd the scene of his Lust having contracted an old Friendship basely left it and frontless impudence like a hot Whore for one night's pleasure sold his Friend Now the Lovers lye whole nights lockt in each others arms and who knows but in those intervals they recruit their weary'd Strength may laugh at me but they shan't go off so for if I 'm a man or a freeborn one at least I 'll make their blood compensate the injury Having thus said I girt on my Sword and leâ—t I shou'd be too weak to maintain the war encourag'd my self with a lusâ—y Meal and making out of doors like one possest search'd every place but whilst with a wild distracted countenance I thought of nothing but blood and slaughter and oft with execrations laying my hand on my Sword a Souldier perhaps some Cheat or Padder observ'd me and making up to me askt to what Regiment or Company I his Brother Souldier belong'd when with a good assurance I had cheated him into a belief of the Regiment and Company well but Friend said he looking down doâ— the Souldiers of your Company walk in such shoes I began to look guilty and by my trembling discover'd the Lye I had told him upon which he made me lay down my Arms and bid me take care of the worst Thus stript nay and thus rob'd of my Revenge I return'd to my Lodging where by degrees my fears abating I began in my mind to thank the Robber But finding it difficult â—to wean my self from the love of Revenge I spent half the night very pensively and rising â—by day-break to ease me of my grief and thoughts of my injury I rov'd about every where till at last going into a publick Gallery very wonderful for several â—orts of excellent Painting I saw some by Zeuxy's hand that had not yet yielded to the injures of time And not without an awful reverence behold others by Protogenes which tho they were first tryals yet disputed for exactness even with Nature it self but on the other side viewing a Celebrated Piece drawn by Apelles I even ador'd the Work of so Great a Master 't was so correctly finisht to the life you 'd have sworn it an Image of the Soul too One side gave the Story of the Eagle Bearing Jupiter to Heaven the other the fair Hylas repelling the Addresses of the lew'd Naiad in another part was Apollo angry at himself for killing his Boy Hyacinth and to shew his love crown'd his Harp with the Flower that sprung form his Blood In this Gallery as in a Vision of living Images I cry'd out And are not the Gods themselves secure from love Jupiter in his Seraglio above not finding one that can please his appetite sins upon Earth yet injures no body the Nymph wou'd have stifl'd her passion for Hylas had she believ'd the lusty Hercules wou'd have been his Rival Apollo turns Hyacinth into a Flower and every Image enjoy'd its Wishes without a Rival but I have caress'd as the dearest Friend the greatest Villian While I was thus talking to my self there enter'd the Gallery an old Man with a Face as pale as age had made his Hair and seem'd I know not how to bring with him the air of a great soul but viewing his Habit I was easily confirm'd in my opinion since Fortune seldom deals favourably with Learned Men. In short he made up to me and addressing himself told me he was a Poet and as he hop'd above the common herd if added he my merrit don't suffer by Applause that 's promiscuously given to the good and bad Why therefore interrupted I are you so meanly Clad On this account return'd he because Learning never made any man rich The Merchant's profit well rewards his toil The Souldier crowns his Labours with the Spoil To servile Flattery we Altars raise And the kind Wife her Stallion ever pays But starving Wit in rags takes barren pain And dying seeks the Muses Aid in vain 'T is certain added he that a Lover of Virtue on the account of his singularity meets with contempt for who can approve what differs from himself And that those who admire Riches wou'd fain possess every body that nothing is more reasonable than their Opinion whence they ridicule as well as they can the Learned few that they like themselves might seem within the power of Money I don't know how Learning and Poverty become Relations said I and sigh'd You justly lament return'd he the condition of Scholars You mistake me said I that 's not the occasion of my sighs there 's another and much greater Cause And as all Men are Naturally inclin'd to communicate their grief I laid open my Case to him beginning with Ascyltos's Treachery which I aggravated and with repeated sighs often wisht his Injustice to me might have deserv'd pardon but that now he was a staunch Villain and in Lust more subtle than the Bawds themselves The Old Man seeing me sincere began to comfort me and the better to effect it told me what formerly had happen'd to himself on the like occasion When I was in Asia began he I Lodg'd at the House of one Pergamus where the Entertainment did not tempt me to stay so much as a very beautiful Boy I saw there Son to the Master of the house my contrivance was to act the Lover unsuspected by the Father and to effect my Wishes I us'd this method when ever in their mirth they happen'd to mention the use of beautiful Boys I dissembl'd such a horrour of it and with that severe concern pretended my modesty suffer'd by such discourse that the Mother especially lookt upon me as a Philosopher that was above the little pleasures of the world Upon this I was desir'd to be Tutor to the Boy not only to instruct him in a Method of study but imform his Mind with
With simple Natural Ornaments does shine Round Cere's Bowâ—r but homely Willows groâ— Earthen are all the Sacred Bowls they know Oâ—ier the Dish Sacred to use Divâ—ne Both course and stain'd the Jug that holds the Wine Mud mixt with straw make a defending Fort The Temple 's brazen studs are knobs of dirt With Rush and Reed is thatcht the Hut it self Where besides what is on a smoaky shelf Ripe Service-Berries into Garlands bound And savory-bunches with dry'd Grapes are found Such a low Cottage Hecalâ— confin'd Low was her Cottage but sublime her Mind Her bounteous Heart a grateful Praise shall crown And Muses maâ—e Immortal her Renown After which she tasted of the flesh and hanging the rest old as her self on the hook again the rotten Stool on which she was mounted breaking threw her on the fire her fall split the Kettle and what it held put out the fire she burnt her Elbow and all her face was hid with the ashes that her fall had rais'd Thus disturb'd I arose and Laughing took her up immediately leâ—t any thing shou'd hinder â—he offering she ran for new fire to the Neighbourhood and had hardly got to the door e're I was set upon by three Sacred Geese that daily I believe about that time were fed by the Old Woman they made an hideous noise and surrounding me one tears my Coat another my Shooes while their furious Captain made nothing of doing so by my Legs till seeing my self in danger I began to be in earnest and snatching up one of the â—eet of our little Table made the valiant Animal feel my arm'd hand nor content with a slight blow or two but reveng'd my self with its death Such were the Birds Alcides did subdue That from his Conquering Arm t'ward Heaven Flew Such sure the Harpyes were which Poyson strow'd On Cheated Phineus's false deluding food Loud Lamentations shake the trembling Air The Powers above the wild confusion share Horrours disturb the Order of the Sky And frighted Stars beyond their Coursâ—s fly By this time the other two had eat up the pieces of the Bean that lay scatter'd on the Floor and having lost their Leader return'd to the Temple When glad of the Booty and my revenge I heaâ—'d the slight Wound in my Leg with Vinegar But fearing the Old Womans anâ—er I design'd to make off and taking up my Cloaths began my march nor had I reacht the door e're I saw Enothea bringing in her hand an Earthen Pot fill'd with Fire upon which I retreated and throwing down my Cloaths â—ixt my self in the Entry as if I were impatiently expecting her coming Enothea entring plac'd the Fire that with broken Sticks she had got together and having heapt more Wood upon those began to excuse her stay that her Friend wou'd not let her go before she had against the Laws of Drinking taken off three Healths together When looking about her What said she have you been doing in my absence Where 's the Bean I who thought I had behav'd my self very honourably told her the whole fight and to end her grief for the loss of the Bean presented the Goose when I shew'd the Goose the Old Woman set up such an outâ—cry that you wou'd have thought the Geese were re-entring the place In confusion and amaz'd at so strange a humour I askt the meaning of her passion or why she pity'd the Goose rather than me But wringing her hands you wicked Wretch said she d' ye speak too D' ye know what you 've done You 've kill'd the Gods delight a Goose the pleasure of all Matrons And lest you shou'd think your self innocent if a Magistrate shou'd hear of it you 'd be hang'd You have defil'd with blood my Cell that to this day had been inviolate You have done that for which if any's so malicious he may expel me my Office She said and trembling rends her aged Hairs And both her Cheeks with wilder fury tears Sad murmurs from her troubl'd breast arise A Shower of tears there issu'd from her eyes And down her face a rapid deluge run Such as is seen when a Hills frosty Crown By warm Favonius is melted down Upon which I beseech youâ— said I don't grieve I 'll recompence the loss of your Goose with an Ostrich While amaz'd I spoke she sat down on the Bed lamented her loss at what time Proselenas came in with the Sacrifice and viewing the murder'd Goose and enquiring the cause began very earnestly to cry and pity me as it had been a Father not a Goose I had slain But tired with this stuff I beseech ye said I tell me tho' it had been a Man I kill'd won't Gold wipe off the Guilt See here are two Pieces of Gold with these you may purchase Gods as well as Geese Which when Enothea beheld Pardon me Young Man said she I am only concern'd for your safety which is an argument of Love not Hatred therefore we 'll take what care we can to prevent a discovery You have nothing to do but intreat the Gods to forgive the Sin Who e're has Money may securely sail On all things with all-mighty Gold prevail May Danaâ— wed or Rival amo'rous Jove And make her Father Pandar to his Love May be a Poet Preacher Lawyer too And bawling win the cause he does not know And up to Cato's Fame for wisdom grow Wealth without Law will gain at Bar renown How e're the case appears the cause is won Every rich Lawyer is a Littleton In short of all you wish you are possest All things prevent the Wealthy man's request For Jove himself 's the Treasure of his Chest While my thoughts were thus engag'd she plac'd a Cup of Wine under my hands and having cleans'd my prophane extended fingers with sacred Leeks and Parsley threw into the Wine with some Ejaculation Hazel-Nuts and as they sunk or swam gave her judgment but I well knew the empty rotten ones wou'd swim and those of entire Kernels go to the bottom When applying her self to the Goose from its open'd Breast she drew a lusty Liver and then told me my future Fortune But that no mark of the Murder might be left she â—ixt the rent Goose to a Spit which as she said she had fatten'd a little before as sensible it was to die In the mean time the Wine went briâ—kly â—ound and now the Old Women gladly devour the Goose they so lately lamented when they had pickt its Bones Enothea half drunk turn'd to me and now said she I 'll finish the Charm that recovers your strength When drawing out a Leathern Ensign of Priapus She dipt it in a medley of Oyl small Pepper and the bruis'd seed of Nettles and began by degrees to direct its passage through my hinder parts with this mixture shâ— barbarously sprinkl'd my Manhood and with the juice of Cresses and Suthernwood washing the Plat around it began with a bunch of Green Nettle to strike gently all the Vale below my Navel