enter into De sacris in praesentia mysteriis non est loquendum Yet I will shew you a reflection of his greatness in the glass of his Nobility and Court which I will here Carve into Descriptions which may serve you as Picktooth's and Table Talk untill our Cook shall stop our Mouths with the second Course Know then that this King is retir'd into the Cephalick Peninsula where his Highness is lodg'd in an Emperiall Palace whose Fabricks are all of pure Ivory There the Architect Emblematically expressing Perfection and that the Microcosme might not want his Epitomy hath united all in a Sphaericall Figure The walls of his Court are invironed with a pleasant Forrest the naturall plantation of whose Trees make so intricate a Laborinth that t is a delightfull pastime for the Ladies of Honor every morning for exercise to lose themselves an hour or two in the Crispie twirles of those Aromatick Thickets There likewise they sport themselves with young Harts which they find often so intangled that unable to resist they rely on the mercy of those weak Females suffering themselves to be fool'd withall untill pitty shall send them Liberty Sometimes more aged Harts whose Actaeon plumes calculate their Nativity are secretly insnar'd and lock'd so fast that their relief is desperate insomuch that they lie and pine away in the Iealousie of their own weakness The Ladies of this Court are so particularly delighted with the pleasant chase of the Hare that Day and Night the poor Creatures take little rest hourly new engines being invented to intangle them So that every day there falls more than all the court Dogs can eat and scape choaking As you approach this Regall Palace your Heart is Planet-stroke by two Celestial lights fixt in the Frontispiece Whose Magick Fires captivate the souls of yong Courtiers making their Noble servitude seem an Imperiall liberty Those are the Lights which lead Men into Fools Paradise where they study Idolatry in a Looking-glass If you can pass the Influence of those Stars you may enter the Great Gate the Mouth which at a word speaking is opened This is strongly fortifyed with Ivory Percullises set in Mosaick Here you are presently incountred by that wanton Portress Lingua who cannot speak to a man without wagging of her Tail she recommends you to her Lady and Mistris Eloquentia who with sweet complements and Court Ceremonies invites you presently to a view of this Imperiall Palace and so shews you first the out-Chambers of the five Lady Sences then leads you up to the Lodgings of the Princes Phantasia which is the prime side of the Court for good fellowship There you shall find this Princess with the nine Virgin Muses dancing a Phantasticall Brando to the melody of the Lady Musica Here she shews you the Chambers of all the seven liberall Sciences whom Phantasia hath honor'd with severall Offices Geometria is her Carver Arithmetica keeps her Accounts Rhetorica is Mistris of the Ceremonies Grammatica governes the Pages Astrologia serves in place of a Ieaster and tells Fortunes to provoke mirth Musica all the World knows her Charge Poeta is her Minion to whom she resignes the whole government of her Family She makes Hay whilst the Sun shines and prefers all her poor kindred to severall Places in the Court Ovid she makes Major-domo Homer because a merry Greek Master of the Wine-Cellars Aretine for his skill in Postures growing old is made Pander Shack-spear Butler Ben Iohnson Clark of the Kitchin Fenner his Turn-spit And Taylor his Scullion All these have their chamber-doors pester'd with sharking Players Fidlers Ballad-singers and such like hangers on Next she carryes you to the middle Lodgâ—ngs where the Viceroy of the Cephalick Peâ—insula is Lodged next dore unto the Great King Animus This Viceroy attenâ—s wholly unto his King and Master putting over all Publique affairs into the hands of the Lord Intellectus his Favorite who governes all Yet Spiritus Animalis having found him often corrupted by inferiour Members dares not trust him too far but for the better security of the Peninsula he hath Five fair Ladyes as secret spyes to inform him dayly how every part is govern'd The Lady Visus hath her commission to have an Eye on both sides and to look to every part specially the more Noble and to observe their Humor and Disposition towards Intellectus and whether they render freely their Tribute The Lady Auditus is commanded to lend an Ear to Chamber Discourses of those Court Gossips Lingua Rhetorica c. Who make every Festivall Day a Day of Parliament Lady Tactus is bid now and then to handle them somwhat ruffly So to try who is most touchy and if in their choler they be subject to Rebellion and disobedient to the Laws published by Intellectus Lady Gustus is injoyned to be alwayes at his Table as Tastress to prevent the Malice of some treacherous Humor which by casting some Soporiferous mixture into his Dish he might be deposed by an Apoplexy Lady Olfactus she smells to every ones chollar and like an Ape suffers nothing to pass the Court Gate but she must have a Nose in it Here you shall see that Fountain Somnus the true Helicon where Orpheus sits and playes sweet Requiems to the Nine Lady Muses Memoria and the five Sensuall Ladyes who refresh their defatigated Limms with the hypnoticall dew of this Anodynous Bath And whilst they rest the Princess Phantasia who never enters that Fountain she sports her self with the Jugling tricks of that Artifex simulator que figurae Morpheus his Phobetur and Phantasus Here if Eloquentia forget not her self she will shew you Memoria and her Lodging But now I remember my self I have heard our Cook and his Hatch twice at knocks because none will ease him of his second Course And I fear some of my more serious Guest could do the like with me who perchance expected grave Apothegmes and sententious Aphorismes for their Table Talk No you both abuse your expectations and break the Rules of Physick if you gape for Sentences here Ever whilst you live be merry at meat T is to excite your Mirth that I play the Fool Laetitia Coelum vos creavit sua Laetitia Coelum vos servabit vestra Why then be merry and with Democritus Jeere Melancholy out of his Humor nam fata sinunt dum securi vivitis And believe me Mirth is the main Spring of your Lives Horologe t is that maintains the Clapper your Tongue in motion 'T is Healths chief Panacaea and absque hac una tanquam medicinarum omnium vita medicinae omnes ad vitam producendam adhibitae moriuntur Laugh and be fat therefore and let Doctor Merryman alwayes make up your Mess But soft here comes the Second Course Gentlemen pray have a Care you commit no Capitall Crime in your Table Talk For whosoever makes Gravity his Salt and Contemplation his Sawce gives so great an Affront to Intellectus the Favorite that he may
lb iij Vin. malvat. lb. ss. Flor. Lavend. Spicae an. â„¥ ij Cort. Citri â„¥ ss. Rad. IreosÊ’ij Cinamom Nuc. Mosch. Styr calam an. Ê’ss After ten Dayes infusion distill them putting in the Nose of your Alembick Musk and Amber an. ℈ j. This water you may mix with common Water for your Hands or face Or put some of it in a perfuming pot the Vapour whereof will recreate your Sences with a delightfull Aer If none of those perfumes please you I must call for my Hermeticall Cabinet where I think to finde a Balsam shall please you all in despite of your Noses â„ž Butyr Gelsom â„¥ ss. Essent flor Citri Essent Cort. Citri Ess. Cinamom Ol. Nuc. Mosch. Essent Rosar an. ℈ ss. Flor. Benzoin ℈ .j. Essent Moschi Essent Ambrae Essent Zibettae an. ℈ ss. These in some small mortar sine calore you shall mix well together and then reserve it in some silver box to your use With this you may rub your Gloves Handkerchief or any thing else about you When the Barber elevates your Mustachoes this wilâ— be of singular use making your Whiskers stand up most sweetly In time of Pestilence it will be very serviceable and where it layes hold it will a long time stick to your Coat Here since I have taken you by the Nose I must hold you a little longer for I have a Secret to reveal to you but it will trouble your Brains and therefore I doubt you will take it in snuff Yet as it concerns the Health both of your Soul and Body I am bound in conscience to reveal it make good use of it therefore for my sake and I le promise you every one shall pray for you Pulvis sternutatorius â„ž Sem. nigel Helleb alb. an. ℈ .j. Majoranae Rosmarin Salviae an. Ê’ss Moschi g. iij Fiat pulvis s.a. These and such like neesing powders are never to be used but fasting for you know fasting and praying go always together This following is safer and better but you will be the less praid for â„ž Pyrethri ℈ ss. Helleb nig Ê’j Nasturt Ê’ss Fiat pulvis Tye it in a peece of fine Cloath and steep it in Rose water and by smelling to it it gently provokes sternutation Here I have another Dish for some body which perchance little dreams of it â„ž Quatuor sem. frig. maj an. â„¥ ij Sem. Papav. alb. lb. ss. Lactucae â„¥ iiij Hyoschyam â„¥ ij Flor. Nymph Violarum Rosar rub Papav. rhead an. p.iiij. Flor. Sambuci SuÌ„mitat Rutae an. P.ij. Macis Nuc. Moschat Benzoini an. Ê’vj All grosly beaten infuse them four dayes in Aqua rosar Lactucae Nenupharis Papav. rheadis an. lb. ij Then strein it with a strong expression to which you shall adde Requies Nich. â„¥ ss. Croci orient Mumiae an. Ê’iij Camphorae Castorei an.Ê’j. Being well mixt distill them according to Art The Dose is â„¥ ij at your wonted hour of rest This spoils all your Watches Silenceth your Clocks and makes you lose more time then you think of The best property it hath is it makes a man forget all wrongs All that is bad in it is this that who ever takes of it he will be no more good for any thing a long time after This is far safer and of better effect than any of the Vulgar Narcoticks and it emulates our Hermeticall Laudanum mitigating all Internal dolours Inflammations Inquietudiâ—i c. Gentlemen I did let your Noses go a little too soon here is a bloudy Action put in against them which may cost some of you your Lives I should be very sorry to see any of my Guest throw away themselves by their own weakness Believe me t is to be pittyed and I would spend part of my best Bloud to save them Whensoever therefore Prodigious drops of Bloud shall fall from the upper Region of the Microcosme knock at our Hermeticall Cabinets Door for there you shall finde a Sympaticall Powder which increaseth both in Quantity and Quality every time you make use of it One Dragm of which is sufficient for an Army 'T is to be preserv'd in some little box in your Pocket and when your Nose bleeds let but a drop or two fall on this Powder then put up the Box presently from the Aer and you shall find your Bloud stop miraculously And thus it Cures all Fluxes of Bloud either of Man or Woman without any other helps And this I have here Inserted to adde a Nerve to the Truth of our former Opinion Here when I call to minde the Malice of Ignorance I could play the Montinbanco and draw Teeth But from whom not from my Guess but from the Jawes of those {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} whose Canine and rabid Envy like that of Timonus the Athenian Man-hater quod nihil ingratius animo concipiat quam erga Homines benevolum ac beneficum Deum se habere eosque prosperè ac feliciter prospiciat degere runs snarling and biting at every Man Nay Nature her self cannot pass them But because she is {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} {non-Roman} and favours Man with the use of her Secrets they hourly labour to discredit her and ruin her Reputation with their Malignant Calumnies But she is so well armed with her Panacaeae and Truths Arcani that in vain with Aesops Dog they do but bark at the Moon While I was Student in Padoua upon many particular occasions I have often tasted of that bitter Galenicall Envy against Hermeticall discipline Amongst which this was one Walking one day in the Garden of Simples with one of the Professours of that Academy in Physick and none of the Simplest neither we gathered our Discourse out of our Mothers Aperne where I by chance taking up the Herb Heliotropium whose name discovers his Solar Sympathy it gave me occasion to sublimate the Terrestriety of our Discourse into Celestiall Influences where rising from the bare and Elementary Vertues of Herbs an other Vegetables we flew up at last unto their Occult Qualities where I made sure account to have adorn'd the naked Wings of my Quaesiti with the choisest Feathers of this Old Asclepians Answers I entred him upon the Signatures of Vegetables and Mineralls telling him how many miraculous Cures I had seen from Sympatical Remedies to the great Amazement of the Ignorant and to the greater Elogie of Hermetick whose enucleating Curiosity had thus stole into Natures most secret Mysteries The good Man was so suddenly cholerick to hear me attribute any Truth or belief to Sympaticall Physick that he had no leasure to answer me with Patience but calling me Paracelsian he began very Galenically to rail in Method against our Hermetick Discipline telling me that if I had ever read Galen or Hippocrates I should Impart little Honour to any of our Chymiatri or Impyricall Charletaines who contemning rationall Method apply themselves wholly to Venimous Mineralls Magick Spells and Diabolicall Characters Our Art in that University being prohibited I
they presently began a new to consult how they might get their Tongues washed in this Well knowing that it was prohibited for any of their Sex to enter Mars his Arsenall Some of them whose itching tongues could not admit of delay longing to have a lick at this Water stole privatly out of the Chamber and home they ran put on their Husbands Breetches and a way to Mars they went took pay and were admitted into his Court of Guard The rest concluded that Venus having a great Command over Mars should petitionate to him that all the Womens tongues of the Hepatick land might once in the year be dipt into his Lexicon to make them Talkative Mars for Venus sake being resolved likewise never to marry gave them licence but upon promise they would send their Tongues but once a year and never to come personally And thus said the Fachin once a year I and my Camaradi we having purchas'd the Monopoly gain more upon this Day than our Familyes can consume all the year following not a Woman omitting the day appointed to send their tongues with a double Fee to have them the better washed This amazed me more than any thing I had hitherto seen in my Travells And indeed the strangness of it had eat up my belief had I not heard the tongues which he had washed lieâ— scolding in his Basket Then I asked this Facâ—ino whether he had ever washed his Wives tongue yet Oh quoth he she could never sleep untill she had it insomuch that I am glad to wash mine own tongue twice for her once and yet not able to silence her Upon this I desired him to give me a little bottle of that water to carry into my Country as a Rarity By no means quoth he for it will make you run Mad and scold withall you meet Why then said I are not all your Women mad Marry replied he so they are more or less according to my descretion in washing them I began to thank Iove here that this Well was so far from our Country though I did suspect that some of them had been licking here The generall love therefore which I bare to that Sex made me in pitty not able to see their Tongues so infected but drawing my Sword I beat away more than a hundred of those Tongue-loaden Knaves which were coming to this Well presuming that some Wittall or other would put me in his prayers for it and then knowing I had committed an Errour by drawing my sword in the Arsenall out I ran all in Choler and as yellow as a Kites leg. I had not gone far from thence but I met my wandring Mistris Sanitas with a double Tertian on her back She perceived that I had been lately in Choler which made her come shaking to me and excuse her long absence with trembling Apologies I took her by the hand which Fear had benum'd with a sleepy chilness and asked her why she trembled so Oh quoth she the fear which I have that you will not keep me turns me all into a Gelly So that the Organ pipe of your breath only makes me answer you in quavers The poor Girl lent me such pittifull looks that I had a feeling of her misery wherefore I presently eased her of the burden of her Song and took a Tertian on my Back in place of a Knap-sack and away we went to seek out some charitable Hospitall Thus thinking speedily to depart out of the Torrid-Zone of this Hepatick Land contraâ—y to expectation we found all the passages stopt by a great inundation of Waters an affliction surely sent from Heaven to punish those corrupt Livers This made us lye at Anchor one Month the longer where I had much ado to keep life in my Mistris Sanitas finding no provision there that was Edible all things being so unsavory with those brackish waters that what ever we put into our Mouths Nature thought time lost in masticating them Hence not only we but all the inhabitants grew weak some pale some greenish others yellow and black all sickly for want of our fomer good nourishment It would have mollified a Heart of Adamant to have seen those matchless beauties of this Clymate young Lasses of fourteen years ruddy and sanguine have their Virgin beauties Eclypsed by the green Mantle of Loves standing Pool Yong married Wives whose tender Palates having been lately accustomed to feed on fresh and dainty bits now finding their Markets ill served with dull and sapless Sallads their Beccarii full of drowned Calves whose flagging and flashy flesh scarce sweet their Dogs formerly would not have gap'd at not able to subsist with this course diet rather chuse to feed upon green fruits and frutta nova untill at last their forbidden diet bring them into a Tympany Young lusty Batchelours here which entered into Pension at other mens Tables never remembring this generall inundation but finding their diet altered their meat rank stale and of a fishly savor they suspecting the Cause to be their Hostesses desire of gain forsake her Table straggle up and down taking here a snap and there a snap untill at last many littles of what is bad corrupt them making them perfect Pythagorists and abhor all flesh ever after Gentlemen if any of you be Travellers and Curiosity lead you at any time to visit the Hepatick Dominions see first in the Map of my Travells whether you can make any observations profitable for so dangerous and desperate a Voyage Read my description of Venus Court and see if her entertainment can allure you out of your Country And when you go be sure to make Health your Mistirss and when you come to Venus table let not that wanton Hostess intise you to disorder Or if she do do not drink your Mistriss drunk that she might not be Jealous and then play false under Nose Have a speciall Care likewise that you be not too familiar with that Lady Venus for she is Mistris unto the Viceroy Spiritus Naturalis of those Hepatick Territoryes who will play the Tyrant if he take you napping bringing you first on your knees to a publike Confession and then delivering you into the Hands of the Tormentor who puts you into a little Hole like a Tub and feeds you with nothing but dry musty Crufts and puddle water the very smell whereof puts you into Symptomaticall sweats There hee 'l smoak you like a Bacon hog and for fourty dayes you must expect twice a day to be stewed in your own grease Believe me every bone will have a feeling of his Torments and though at last he relieve you yet you shall never be your own man again If you incounter with Bacchus as he is never from Venus Court be sure that your first Cup be a parting Cup And for Mars come not near him lest you grow Cholerick and so be inflamed to your great loss of Bloud This Hepatick Land is so delicious and bewitching that few young men return from hence
were not fallen into Presumption by daring to enter a Place which seem'd prohibited Sir quoth she you can not do me a greater wrong than by nursing such vain suspects No place to me is prohibited Were it in his most secret and private Counsels I am confident he would embrace me He dares not shut me out at any time lest I make him asham'd for it For he knows full well 't was I gave him his Titles in the Court by putting him forward and from a poor younger brother made him chief Favorit here in the Cardiacall Court where he now wholly Commands And though I be but a poor waiting Gentle-woman I can make him forsake all his negotiations and hearken to any thing that I shall put into his Head With that she ran to him strikes his Book out of his hand and kist him I expected still when he should have kick'd her Confidence Whereas he quite Contrary payd her with interest in her own money hugging of her as if she had bin his Minion And then taking notice of me as being alone he must of necessity he began to mix Anger with Pride and so threw a scornfull look upon me asking her in a low voice what Fellow that was which had thus lost himself in presumption I began to tremble fearing he might think I had stoln his suit of Apparell which I had then on my back But Confidentia excus'd all and told him I was a poor Gentleman and a stranger that was betrai'd by Fortune and therefore came thither alone to manifest his Innocency Ask him quoth he his Name his Country and Parentage Here that I might enter into the Geneologies of his Kindred knowing him to have a Spanish Heart I bad her tell him that I was a Spaniard my name Signior Aemulatio base son to one Signior Ambitio a man of great blood in Spain whose Estate being decai'd left his tender Nursery to the blind Tuition of Fate who had transplanted me out of that barren Soil hither into his Cardiacall Garden where I hop'd the Sun of his Favour would make me fruitfull She had no sooner deliver'd my answer and name Aemulatio but he presently start up began to look about him and then calling three or four Oaths to witness swore that I was his Cosin german and the neerest in bloud to him that day extant Whereupon he made me large promises bad me be alwayes at hand and not to leave him untill he should supplant me by some greater Fortunes Then he commanded Signiora Confidentia to wait upon me cherish me carry me into every corner of the Court and to recommend me unto his Lady Superbia for a Favorite Then bad us retire a while for 't was his hour of rest Signiora Confidentia was mad untill she had entred me into the practice of the Court therefore bringing me speedily out of the Chamber of Presence she lead me first into the Lodgings of the Lady Avaritia Tesoriera to Don Ambitio where we found her and her five Furies Diffidentia Metus Solicitudo Spes vana and Desperatio at Dinner excercising their lean rigid Mandibles upon the hard musty and brown Chippings of sowre Barley bread with Onions Garlick Stock-fish Red-Sprats Ship-Beefe which had been seazon'd with an Indian Voyage without either Table Stooles Napkins Knives or any such Stomack Instrument But all lay in a horrid Mixture upon a heap of straw which after dinner they fir'd to encourage Naturall Heat to fall aboard on such indigestible Materialls Amazement here broke my Silence calling therefore Confidentia aside I told her how strangely I was lost in Labyrinth of Admiration if she with the thread of Reason did not guide me out I pray'd her therefore to set me at Liberty in making me understand what new Policy Don Ambitio had found to make Shee-Treasurers in his Court and besides to tell me what Vertues could subsist in that dry hydebound Hag and Mâ—gaera Avaritia to make his Ambiâ—ious Spirit cast such principle Honours upon her deâ—ested Ugliness Confidentia hearing me no better then rail in my demands presently falls into my tune and professing her self an open Enemy to that Witch Philargiria satisfyes me with this impartiall description Quoth she you must know that this now Lady was first a Common Baw'd but so cunning and dexterous in her Calling that she would undertake by Vertue of a Jewell to make Chastity her self a Whore And this Profession brought her first into our Court where she presently forc'd a Respect from the Necessity of her Calling Her beginning was in the Kitchin from thence she rose to be a Chamber maid and so to a Waiting Gentlewoman Here notice began to be taken of her by the great ones so that if any of them were love-sick she presently felt their Pulse and with a small feeling from them promis'd a speedy and pleasant Cure It happened that our Lord Don Ambitio among his Infinity of Mistrisses could not satisfie himself but one day taking notice of three young Vertuous Virgin Ladies Signiora Castitade Signiora Innocentia and Signiora Constantia who abhorring his insatiate and lascivious Lust and to avoide the malice of his Ambition liv'd retir'd and never appear'd publickly in the Court unless upon a Christmass or Easter Day their beauties gave such an Inflammation to his Lust that without opening of a Vein there was no scaping of a Phrensy Here quoth Confidentia I like a mad Girl under hand plai'd the Baw'd and put him upon this more Authentick Baw'd Avaritia assuring him that she would corrupt them if Corruptible He like an expert Gamster at Inn-and-Inn would not hazzar'd those Golden heaps untill he had made the Dice run of his side Sends therefore for then but Mistris Avaritia and makes her Lady of Honour Thus he first made her a companion for the Noblest that young simplicity might not dream of corruption in such Greatness Then he throwes the Dice freely venters all at a Cast opens his Desires and shews the game which he gave Chase to tells with what Innocent and Chast simplicity they avoided his snares and how difficult it was to intrap them Avaritia laught at his Ignorance and then bad him take no more Care but go and beat the bush for some new Game as for those she would speedily bring them into his Golden Net To those Yong Ladyes she goes enters into their Cabinets there falls into Discourse familiar Conversation First fingring them as Lutanists do their more Delicate and choise Trebbles with ordinary Womanish Discourse of Husbands lamenting the unfortunate and miserable estate of a single life If she perceiv'd no Shadows of falseness in that Motion Then presently she admir'd their Continency commended their Chastity told them how happy they were in that State of Innocency hereupon falls into an Encomium of their Beauties their Vertues their rare Qualityes and so by little and little puts them on upon the sweet Instrument of Philautia There