and mar-Prince as Mar-Prelate We must therefore distinguish inter salem Mercurij salem Momi between festiuity and scurrility vrbanity and ribaldry Inter iocos cruentos eruditos between such iests as will suffundere sanguinem and those that will effundere that is betweene such as will make our aduersaries blush and those that will make them bleed So that iesting being rightly leueled in regard of his obiect for it is no new saying Non patitur lusum fama fides oculus and rightly bounded I meane kept within the banks of Charity Sobriety may wel be vsed that in two cases either in way of honest recreatioÌ„ or in dealing with obstinate hereticks and enemies of the truth who hauing bin confronted confuted a thousand times ouer persist stil in their former follies albeit they bring nothing but the painted face of Iezabel rotten stuffe newly varnished ouer and old cole-worts in a new dish that so they may be as the Lord threatneth the obstinate Iewes a by-word and a prouerb a hissing and a derision to all that are round about them For proofe whereof to passe ouer prophane writers as Cicero Horace Quintilian and the like who in some cases preferre a pleasant conceit before a sound argument as when Horace saith ridiculum acri Fortius meliùs magnas plerumue secat res The current of the ancient Fathers is in this point concurrent some teaching the lawfulnes of it by precept others by practise Irenaeus derides the Valentinians calling them pépones sophistas and their Aeônes cucumeres cucurbitas The like doth ClemeÌ„s Alexandrinus Strom. lib. 7. And Ignatius epist. ad Tral Tertullian saith that if he laugh them to scorne and deride their dreames and dotages he serues them but right Nam multa saith he sunt sic digna reuinci ne grauitate adorentur And Hermias a Christian Philosopher hath written a booke which he cals Gentilium Philosophorum irrisio wherein he finely stouts the folly of the heathen Philosophers Why then shall it not be lawful for vs to do the like in iesting at those who iest at God and his holy truth Experience teacheth that an Ironicall speech doth often pierce deeper and sticke closer to a man then a sound argument It is the Physitians 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 for as that serues to cure the diseases of the body so this the maladies of the mind It is the corrasiue which Elias applied to the gangreine of Baals Priests that had so dangerously infected the people of the Iewes Cry aloud for he is a God either he â—alketh or pursueth his enemies or is in his iourney or it may be he sleepeth and must be awaked It is the salt which Elizaeus cast into the barren waters of Iericho For as they could not be cured but by the salt which he cast into the fountaine so neither can the waters vpon which the Scarlet strumpet sitteth being people and multitudes and nations and languages be cured of their spiritual barrennesse or of the Romish pock and Aegyptian scab except the salt of the Sanctuary as I may say be applied to their sores What more frequent in Scripture then such kind of Ironies Behold man is become as one of vs to know good and euill Now therefore we must looke to it lest he put forth his hand and take of the tree of life and eate thereof and so liue for euer Go vp and prosper for the Lord will deliuer the citie into the hands of the King The Prophet Isaiah is commaunded to take vp a parable or a taunting speech as the word signifieth against the King of Babel and to say How art thou fallen from heauen ô Lucifer son of the morning And he derideth the brutishnes of Idolaters who of the same wood whereof they make a fire to warme themselues to bake their bread and rost their flesh make a God to worship And how doth the holy Ghost play vpon the very places of Idolatry as namely vpon mount Oliuet when he nicknameth it as I may say calling it no more Mons mishchae the mount of Oliues or of vnction but by an excellent Antonomasy Mons mashchith the mount of corruption And Bethel is no more called Beth-el the house of God but Beth-aven the house of iniquity Now if any modest mind shall haply take offence at some of his broad speeches or shall thinke that they might haue bin better spared I shall desire him to consider that it is not so easie a matter to find modest words to expresse immodest things as himselfe saith Chap. 34. § 2. that he hath but laid forth the liues of Popish Prelates as Suetonius is said to haue written the liues of the Emperours Eâ—dem libertate qua ipsi vixerunt and that there is no reason that some should commit their villany with impunity and that no man may speake against it with modesty or that writers should be counted baudy Bales that is knaues for publishing it they honest men who practise it As for those wit-foundred and letter-stricken students I meane those cloudy spirits that are so wedded to the Muses that they become enemies to the Graces and can relish no discourse except it be full fraught and farced with Ob. and Sol. Videtur quod sic probatur quod non c. Let them a Gods name enioy their Dunses and Dorbels their BanÌ„es and Bambres their Royards and blind bayards so they measure vs not by their owne meatwand making their minds the modell for all men but giue vs leaue to vse our liberty and to imitate the practise of prudent Physitians who apply the medicine to the malady with particular respect of the patients temper not giuing the same potion to a queasie and a steele stomach For euery plummet is not for euery sound nor euery line for euery leuel Al meats are not for euery mans mouth nor all liquors for euery mans liking The ignorant multitude and profound Clarks are not to be perswaded with the same arguments For popular perswasion the learned prise not and deepe demonstration the simple pierce not They must also remember what Saint Augustine saith Vtile est plures libros à pluribus fieri diuerso stylo non diuersa fide etiam de quaestionibus ijsdem vt ad plurimos res ipsa perueniat ad alios sic ad alios autem sic That is It is good that many bookes should be written by many men that of the same argument in a different style but not of a different faith that so the same truth may be conueyed to many to some after this manner to some after that Touching the Translation I haue not much to say for I do not professe my self a Translator neither do I arrogate any extraordinary skil in the French tongue I leaue both to the skilfull Linguists of our moderne languages as stately Sauile flourishing Florio graue
benefite by euery particular here recorded but further learne to parallele auncient stories with moderne by obseruing their conformitie and Analogie if this word sound not too harshly in English eares and consequently to speake with greater reuerence and respect of auncient historians as also to omit no remarkable thing which may stand him in stead when occasion shall serue without due obseruation I say this worke once come to perfection because this is but an Introduction or Preparatiue treatise as the title purporteth albeit a man may here take a tast of that which hath bene said which is the cause why I call it A preparatiue Treatise or The first booke of the Apologie But you may here haply demaund the reason that moued me first to pen the Latin Apologie which was my first Essay Verily to deale plainly with you the great pleasure which I tooke in reading the Greeke storie made me not onely forget my paines in correcting infinite scapes in the Latin translation but further so obliged me vnto it by the great content it gaue me that I could do no lesse then pleade for it in these my Apologeticall discourses against the Philippicks and sharpe inuectiues of such seuere and rigide censurers as cease not to accuse it of falshood forgerie and fabulositie and that the great desire I had to testifie my good will and affection towards this author shold banish all feare of mine owne insufficiency to vndertake the penning of such an Apologie til some other better able to furnish out this argument should take it in hand Moreouer I confesse for I can conceale nothing from my friend that one reason among the rest which moued me to affect this storie being common to me with all French-men who are seene in the Greeke tongue was not onely the great affinitie the French hath with the Greeke aboue any other language as I haue shewed at large in a treatise which I published touching the conformitie of these two languages but for that there is not a Greeke author extant at this day nor any to be found in the best Libraries in France or Italie which agreeth so well with the French phrase and to the vnderstanding whereof the knowledge of the French is so necessarie and auaileable as Herodotus is Now as I haue taken vpon me to be Herodotus his aduocate so I am to intreate you to be mine in pleading for me against such supersilious censurers as not content to lash me for my faults for I feare me I haue giuen them iust cause in many places shall straine themselues to go a note aboue Ela and to correct Magnificat in calumniating that which their consciences tell them cannot be bettered And albeit it may be thought that I haue stretched euery storie vpon the tainters and made mountaines of mole-hils in enlarging each other narration thereby to winne the greater applause and admiration yet you who know me so well can witnesse with me that I make conscience of enhancing the meanest historie And verily I was so farre from taking this libertie to my self that where I found my authors who are for the most part classique writers or historians of note iarring and at discord I left all circumstances doubtfull and vncertaine contenting my selfe with the substance of the storie fully resolued and agreed vpon You may also boldly speake it vpō my word that if I haue brought in any like mummers in a mask concealing their names it was not because I was ignorant of them but for that I knew it would be more odious to some and lesse profitable to others How profitable may some say Verily the examples in the first part of the Apologie serue in stead of crystals wherin we may see the waiwardnesse and vntowardnesse the peeuishnesse and peruersnesse of our nature how backward it is to any thing that is good and how prone and propense to that which is euill as also what we are of our selues when we are destitute of the feare of God which as a bridle should curbe and keep vs in which point is handled more at large Chap. 11. sect 4. Againe they serue in stead of aduertisements or warning-peeces to admonish vs of sundrie subtill sleights and deceits so common and rife in the world Those in the second part shew how farre one age exceeds another in clownisme and rusticitie more especially they serue vs in stead of so many mirrours wherein we may behold the naturall blindnesse of the multitude in the maine matter concerning their saluation and consequently in what great need they stand of diuine illumination True it is indeed I haue there also blazoned the vertues of our good Catholickes of the Popish Clergie who feede themselues fat by famishing of others in debarring them of the foode of their soules and wickedly prophaning that which they beare the world in hand and vrge vpon others as the onely true religion Whose inditement I haue so hotly pursued and trauersed euerie point thereof that I feare me I haue somewhat ouershot my selfe in setting downe some of their sweete sayings and doings in the darke not worthie to be heard but by their owne eares which I perswade my selfe not you onely but all that know me will interprete no otherwise Notwithstanding let me intreate you to do the part of a faithfull friend in informing those with whom you shall conuerse of the sinceritie of my meaning herein lest haply they stretch my words beyond the leuell of my thoughts or make some other construction of my meaning then indeed was meant And thus Sir accordingly I recommend my suite vnto you and my selfe to your fauour desiring the Lord you may rest in his From our Helicon the sixt of Nouember 1566. AN INTRODVCTION TO A TREATISE TOVCHING THE CONFORMITIE OF AVNCIENT AND MODERNE WONDERS OR A Preparatiue Treatise in defence of HERODOTVS Which may also be called The first booke of the Apologie for Herodotus The Preface to the first Part. AS there are many who do highly esteeme of Antiquitie and haue it in great admiration and are if I may so speake so zealously affected towards it that the reuerence they beare it is in the nearest degree to superstition so there are others on the contrary who are so farre from giuing it that which of due belongs vnto it that they do not onely disgrace it what they can but euen tread it vnder foote Now that these two opinions be they fancies or humors haue borne sway among the auncient shall appeare hereafter by pregnant proofes But for the better manifestation of the reasons whereon they ground their opinions I thought it not impertinent to treate in generall of the vertues and vices of auncient times searching out the first source and spring thereof that so in the sequel of this discourse I may come to examine and trie the truth of the old prouerbiall sentence which saith by way of aequiuocation Le monde va tousiours à l'empire The world growes daily worse and worse And
for word I esteemed nothing more auncient in stead of this There was nothing in the world so neare or deare vnto me or I had greater care of it then of any thing in the world besides And Nihil mihi est antiquius illa re that is I account nothing more deare I hold nothing more precious So Plautus when he would commend a yong man to be well qualified saith he was indued antiquis moribus Againe the Latins call that prisca fides which the French call La bonne foy that is plaine meaning simple and honest dealing And Cicero seemes to call those men antiquos who vsed old and ancient simplicitie and were as a man would say plaine Dunstable But the question is what ground they haue for their opinion who by such phrases do so highly honour and magnifie antiquitie To which I answer that they who call good manners antiquos mores and plaine dealing priscam fidem allude no doubt to the golden Age and the plaine simple dealing vsed in those dayes as we haue described it in the second chapter Wheras it is certain that they which vsed this phrase Nihil antiquius habui I esteemed nothing more auncient in stead of I had nothing in greater account c. had an eye to a further matter Some say they respected the honour which was giuen to aged persons which seemes to be more probable in that the Greeke word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 is all one with the Latin both for sound and signification for it is applied to old men whereas the Latin word antiquus is neuer vsed in that sence Wherfore vnder correction I am of opinion that it is a phrase borowed from the great account and estimation which was had of antique works in former time especially of painters and caruers For when they spake of a picture or ancient statue they meant a rare and exquisite peece of worke which was much set by and of great price which they vnderstood not onely of the pictures of Apelles and Zeuxis or of the statues of Scopas Myron Praxiteles and like cunning artisans of those times whose workes were then in farre greater request then those of Durer Raphaël and Michael Angelo are at this day but of sundry other workmen of meaner note and later times About which toyes some haue bene exceeding curious For Horace reporteth that one Damasippus was so caried away with curiositie in this kind that it bereft him of his wits And I leaue it to thy consideration gentle Reader what the Poet if he were now liuing would say of these buyers engrossers and inhancers of Antikes with whom the world is so pestered at this day and at whose cost so many cheaters make such good cheare who poore soules are so farre from discerning betweene antique and moderne that they scarce vnderstand the meaning of the word◠which such as it is was lately brought hither into France by some fidling Italian and this it is which makes them put their hand so often to their purses and pay for the pins And verily the Sauoyard did featly and finely who going about to catch a sottish Antiquary foolishly fond of such toyes after that the fantastick had courted him a long time in the end for a goodly auncient monument shewed him his wife who was foure score yeares of age But to returne to the argument in hand Many men in times past were strangely possessed and besotted with this humorous and itching desire of antiquitie in matters of Poems and Poetry a fault complained of in the second booke of the Greeke Epigrams but much more by Horace when he saith Si meliora dies vt vina Poëmata reddit Scire velim pretium chartis quotus arroget annus Scriptor ab hinc annos centum qui decidit inter Perfectos veteresque referri debet an inter Viles atque nouos That is If Poëms wont as wine receiue their praise From lenger dayes faine would I know what yeare Our writings mote in deare If he that wrate About the date of hundred yeares agone Be deemed one of writers ripe and sage Or of the moderne age He further alledgeth sundry other arguments to this purpose Lib. 2. Epist. 1. Well be it so may some say that this phrase Ie n'ay rien eu plus antique that is I esteemed nothing more auncient had his originall from the great opinion which was had of antiques whether building or pictures but why were they had in so great account To which omitting Poets I answer that for as much as they had such exquisite and perfect workmen in old time it seemes they were of opinion that the nearer their successors followed them the more they retained of their perfection Another argument of our auncesters faithfull and plaine dealing in doing the workes they tooke in hand more substantially then workmen are wont to do at this day may be taken from the old and ancient manner of building which seems to be of iron or of steele in respect of ours I meane such buildings as were wroght with ciment It will here I know be answered that cyment is not now in vse And I answer againe that the small care which men haue had to worke soundly and substantially neuer respecting how sleight and slender their buildings be hath marred all Howbeit if any man shall thinke this reason weake or insufficient he may hold him to the former which notwithstanding I durst not alledge of Poems sith it holds not true in generall but onely in particular For though it may be truly said that Homers great fame made other auncient Greeke Poets generally better thought of by reason that this opinion possessed most mens minds that the nearer they were vnto him in time the perfecter they were in Poetry Yet the same cannot be said of the Latin Poets For it cannot be denied but that Virgil excelled all the Epickes that Tibullus and Ouid wonne the garland from all the Elegiacks that Horace was the chiefe of choise among the Lyricks And if I may be so bold as to interpose an example of the Poets of our time would it not be iniurious trow we to our moderne French Poets de la pleiade if their ancestors should be preferred before them Verily I am of opiniō that he that should prefer them before them should do them as great wrong as they do sundry other Poets their equals at least in time in pearking before them onely because their Muse is too maidenly as being nothing so wanton and lasciuious as theirs but resembling rather that of Ioachim du Bellay But be this spoken as it were vnder Benedicite and by way of parenthesis and let this be the conclusion that the reason formerly alledged why auncient workmanship was so highly esteemed and in such request is not generally true of Poems and Poetry the reasons whereof I should here set downe but that my occasions wil not permit me to trifle away the time with such toyes I will therefore
who had seen the whole pageant matter of merriment But when he had taken his fill of laughter his pleasure was the mony should be restored to the Cardinal againe for he supposed the fellow had taken it of purpose to make sport But he was deceiued for whereas he imagined that he had bene some honest gentleman and of good note seeing him so resolute and setting so good a face vpon the matter he found afterwards that he was a notable theefe indeed disguised onely like a gentleman who meant not to ieast but counterfetting a iester to go about his businesse in good earnest as the former had done Whereupon the Cardinall turned the iest vpon the King who as his manner was swore as he was a gentleman 〈◊〉 it was the first time that a theefe had made him his fellow 11 And here the theft committed in the presence of the Emperour Charles the fift comes in very fitly after the former acted in the French Kings presence as hath bene said and partly also with his consent The Emperour hauing commanded his seruants to trusse vp bag and baggage whilest euery man was busie in packing vp his implements there came a good fellow into the hall where the Emperour was with a small traine ready to take horse who as soone as he was come into the roome and had done his dutie beganne to take downe the hangings making as if he had had other businesse in hand and had bene in hast And though it was not his occupation to hang vp and take downe hangings yet he performed it so well that when he who had the charge to take them downe came into the hall he found that another had eased him of that labour and which was worse had carried them away See what impudent theeues there are now a dayes 12 Howbeit the boldnesse of an Italian theefe who did the like at Rome in the time of Paul the third was nothing inferiour to the former There had bene a great feast in a Cardinals house and the plate being set vp in a chest that stood in a chamber neare to the hall where the feast was kept whilest diuers waiting for their maisters walked in this outward chamber or Anticamera as Italians speake there came in a good fellow in a cassock apparelled like a steward with a torch before him who desired those that sate vpon the chest to rise vp saying that he was to vse it and they were no sooner risen vp but he bad the porters that followed him to take it vp and carry it away This gallant tricke was playd after that the steward of the house and all the seruants were gone to supper at least it is to be thought that if any of them were then in the Anticamera as their custome was they did not marke it 13 But what shall we say to the boldnesse and impudencie of another Italian hanged at Bononia about eleuen yeares ago who hauing serued out a long prentiship at Rome in learning to counterfet mens hands and writings and to take seales from one instrument to put to another because he much resembled Cardinal Sermonet went in a Cardinals habite and traine though very small through Marke d'Ancona and Romagna with a counterfet Bul whereby he said he had a cōmission from the Pope to gather the tithes of that countrey albeit he came neare no great cities for feare of being detected But hauing had good successe in his attempts because the most tooke him for Cardinall Sermonet he passed through Romagna and came somwhat neare to Bononia Now as soone as the Bishop of Ferm◠who was the Popes Vicelegate heard thereof he sent one of his gentlemen vnto him who had sometime attended vpon Cardinall Sermonet who certified the Vice-legate that he was not the man he affirmed himselfe to be which caused him somwhat to suspect this gallant the rather for that he had not obserued accustomed solemnities and ceremonies which other Cardinals were wont to obserue Wherupon he sent him againe with a troupe of souldiers giuing him expresse charge and cōmandement to apprehend him if he knew for certaine that he were not the man he counterfetted himselfe to be In the meane time this companion being now discouered the second time by sundry priuie markes was better knowne by one of his eares which he had lost for his good deserts which he shewed at vnawares as he put off his litle Cardinals hat The Captaine therfore commanded his souldiers to lay hands on him But he no lesse resolute bold and impudent then before charged them to take heed what they did with his thundering threats making them all to quake for feare brauing it out with as high and loftie termes as the proudest Cardinall in Rome could haue done if the like violence had bene offered him The souldiers who made scruple at the first to encounter him were in the end encouraged by their captaine to grapple with him Where hauing apprehended him they brought him to Bononia with two of his men who were not priuie to this his knauery the rest which were accessary being fled away And there he was condemned by the Vice-legate and hanged at Saint Petronio's gate in a Cardinals attire wearing on his head a mytre of paper with this title or inscription IL RE DE' LADRI The King of theeues that is to say The King of good fellows He had six thousand crowns about him which as it was reported was nothing to that which his two men who were fled away had caried with thē I do the rather set downe this story at large because it is a very notable and memorable fact For albeit we haue heard many who haue vsurped the name held the place of those whom they resembled as I haue declared in my Latine Apologie yet they tooke such mens names as they knew were dead or of whom a man could hardly heare any certaine newes Which was farre otherwise with this companion seeing the Cardinall whose name he borrowed was then liuing as he knew well and not so farre off but that he might haue heard from him in a very short time Now sith I am come to the King of our moderne theeues euen in the iudgement of those that condemned him I should do him wrong if I should proceed further in hope to find any more notorious and cunning theft then his 14 Notwithstanding lest he should be left alone and lest it should be thought that Italy onely were furnished with such bold Brittans I thought it not impertinent here to insert two other stories one of a French-man another of a Polonian who for such feates proceeding from like audacitie deserue not onely to be of his Court and Counsell but successors to his Crowne The French-man as very a conicatcher as the former was borne at Saumur vpon Loire being so cunning in counterfetting the Kings seales and letters that shewing certaine extraordinary commissions which as he said he had obtained of the King he got
It is enough for me to haue seene it and hauing so said went backe againe leauing them to make an end of their sport And comming the next morning to his kinsmen and friends told them what had befallen him saying withall O Lord how may a man be transported with anger for when I saw the knaues shoes standing by the bed side I could haue found in my heart to haue pulled them in a thousand peeces But to returne to the argument in hand Albeit this discourse would serue for no other end yet it would serue to proue that those huswiues who because they can so easily plant hornes on their husbands heads are called gallant wenches quicke witted merry discreet wise well spoken sociable or at the worst good gossips should be termed as they were in old time theeues bitches and mastiue-whores to omit their common epithete of salt-bitches But it is now high time we proceed to the pranks which women haue playd so cunningly with their husbands that it is not without cause that both Latin and Greeke writers call them thefts for if adultery how euer it be committed may truly be called theft much more that which is accompanied with such subtilties and sleights 24 To prosecute therefore the examples of the fine fetches practised by our huswiues in such like thefts farre surpassing in my conceit the wiles and subtilties of our ancestors wiues I will begin with a sleight which I haue heard at Paris a thousand times and haue found it since among the narrations of the late Queen of Nauarre being so famous that it may well be the ring-leader of the dance A certaine groome of Charles last Duke of Alençon's chamber hauing intelligence that his wife much yonger then himselfe was very familiar with a yong gentleman being at the first very loth to credite the report yet at the last he resolued with himselfe to trie the truth thereof Whereupon he fained businesse abroad for two or three dayes where his wife being loth to let so good an oportunitie slip without hauing her louers companie sent for him straight after her husbands departure But he giuing them not so much time as to be one halfe houre together returned backe againe and knocked hard at the doore She knowing it was her husband told her louer who was presently stricken with such a bodily feare that he would haue giuen all the points at his hose to haue bene gone and could haue wished himselfe with the man in the Moone But she willing him to make himselfe ready in all hast bad him be of good cheare and let her alone for she knew a ready way to let him escape without danger In the meane time her husband continued knocking at the doore and calling to her as loud as he could But she turning the deafe eare made as though she heard nothing and to colour the matter the better called aloud to one of her men and said Why do you not rise to cause them to hold their peace that make such a noise at the doore Is this a fit houre to come to honest mens houses If my husband were at home they durst not be so bold Now albeit he cried as loud as he could Sweet wife open the doore yet she opened it not till she saw her louer ready watching fit oportunitie to slip away Then opening the doore to her husband who had but one eye and bidding him or dissembling rather to bid him welcome in the kindest melting manner she began in this sort Welcome home sweet heart O how glad am I of your comming for I had a strange dreame this night wherewith I was so delighted that I neuer tooke greater content in all my life for me thought you had recouered the sight of your eye Then embracing kissing him she tooke him gently by the head and closing his good eye with her hand Do you not see said she better now then you did before And whilest she thus welcomed him home blindfolding his good eye she gaue her louer oportunitie to slip away The said Princesse further reports how a husband-mans wife hearing that her husband was coming caused M. Curate her second husband to saue himselfe in an vpper loft by couering the trap doore with a fan who wearied with staying there so long looked through the trap doore where he espied the womans husband sleeping by the fire but the great Lout leaned so heauily on the fan as he stouped downe that both came tumbling downe together hard by the good man who awaking at the noise and asking his wife what it meant Sweet heart said she it is our Curate who borrowed our fan and hath now brought it home againe The simple sot tooke this as a sufficient answer yet said he he returnes it very churlishly for I was afraid the house would haue fallen vpon my head She further maketh mention of a maid who to the end she might more securely enioy the company of her louer who was seruant in the house with her which house the Princesse also mentioneth scared her mistris out of her house in the absence of her husband by making her afraid of a kind of spirit called a Hobgoblin But her husband coming home againe about two yeares after finding that his wife had remoued to another house vpon this occasion brought her backe to her old home telling her that he would not feare him a whit though it were the diuel himself And indeed he playd his part so well that albeit the spirit I meane the maide that counterfetted the spirit who also ouerthrew and tumbled boords tressels and stooles vp and downe the chamber buffeted him the first night yet he made the white diuell pay for it the night following catching hold of her hand as she began to deale her blowes Which puts me in mind of a like story which I haue often heard of my deceassed mother of a maid that serued Iocelin Badius her father who to scare all out of a certaine roome whither she vsed to resort to solace her selfe and spend the time in daliance with a seruing man of the house counterfetted a spirit which knauery had not bene detected but by means of the said Badius her master a man of excellent parts and great learning for those times as appeareth by his workes We reade also in Boccace that spirits hobgoblins and such like phantomes haue holpen women to play the wantons in celebrating these mysteries And verily since spirits and ghosts left walking by night women which followed the occupation haue lost much by the bargaine seeing this was their last and surest refuge I remember well that when I was but a child a Parisian cosined her husband by meanes of such a Robin good fellow which knauerie of hers was the argument of a play which many yeares after I saw acted by the Players of Roane See here gentle Reader how Monks and their mates I meane their kind Kates haue benefited themselues and made their trenchers fat
strange that they should so inueigle them as to obtaine it of them 11 I come in the next place to the ignorance of those horseleaches which take vpon them the profession of Phisicke an argument so large and ample that it might furnish vs with sufficient matter to fill vp a large volume being also common to this age with the former But I dare boldly affirme that it is so much the more admirable and lesse excusable in this then in the former in that the light of learning shineth now more clearely then it did in former time or to speake more properly in that the palpable darknesse of those times is now turned into a bright Sun shine For if euer there were art or science poorely arrayed and pitifully handled doubtlesse it may truly be said of Phisicke aboue the rest on the other side if euer there were art or science richly decked beautified adorned and restored to it former splendor and dignitie Phisicke questionlesse hath the pricke and the prise especially since students began to draw that out of the cleare fountaines which they had taken before out of troubled streames considering also that many stand in no need of interpreters to expound their teachers What a shame is it then for I am ashamed to vtter it to heare some Phisitians euen at this day call a clyster a cryster For if it do not become a poore tradesman who neuer learned his A B C and if being pronounced by him it sound harshly in the eares of such as haue but onely learned to speake in some tollerable manner what eares but those of an asse can endure to heare it thus pronounced by those who do not onely professe this science but enrich and raise themselues thereby And let the Reader consider how they pronounce other words who are so barbarous in this which is so common and how they vse them crisse-crosse and kim kam But what is it to me may some say though a Phisitian be ignorant of the trickes and termes of art so he be skilfull in his profession I grant indeed that ignorance of the termes might well be borne with if it were so yet thus much I dare say that those who are barbarous in the termes of Phisicke do commonly practise the Art barbarously Howbeit when I speake of the barbarousnesse of the tongue I include not the Arabian herein so it remaine entire and in his puritie But how I beseech you should they be good practitioners in Phisick who are not only ignorant of the terms but of the very things themselues belonging to the Art signified by these termes For example though a Phisitian could not giue the proper name to such or such an herbe it were not greatly material so he knew it and could shew it if need were to the ignorant Apothecary But how should they do this when as many who know the right names of simples and who in all reason should haue more knowledge then any Apothecary content themselues with this that their Apothecaries know them So that whereas they should controll Apothecaries they are often controlled euen by Apothecaries themselues Nay some are so impudent that they sticke not to say that the knowledge of simples belongeth not to their profession and that they must needs trust Apothecaries therein Wherein me thinkes they do as one who giuing good aduice should leaue it to be practised by the first commer not knowing whether he were able to performe it or not For vndoubtedly the good receipt of a Phisitian is a good aduice which he giueth his sick patiēt But what a miserable thing is it if he must trust an Apothecary therwith himselfe being not able to iudge whether he do well or ill nay being altogether ignorant whether in stead of vsing such or such simples which are soueraigne and medicinall he vse others which are dangerous and mortall And I would gladly aske them if I thought they would answer me what name they best deserue in the opinion of the most competent Iudges that euer were to wit Hippocrates and Galen who are neither good Herbalists nor Anatomists For if in ancient time they thought it absurd to separate Chirurgery from Phisicke seeing that a Chirurgeon to speake properly and according to the Etymologie of the word is nothing else but a Phisitian that worketh with the hand what shall we say of those Phisitians who haue no care to know either the fabricke and frame of the body or the nature and qualitie of those drugs and simples which they prescribe but leaue the one to Anatomists the other to those whom they call Herbalists Neuerthelesse I am not ignorant that these different offices are not vsed euery where Howbeit I perswade my selfe that all truly ingenuous who are not forestalled with a preiudicate opinion will grant me that there are many to be found almost in euery place who take vpon them the practise of Phisicke and yet haue need of such officers and attendants to trot after their tailes if I may vse so homely a phrase 12 I proceed now to other practises of ignorant Phisitians no lesse dangerously pernicious then impudently audacious Some there be that bargaine with Apothecaries to keepe the receipts of learned Phisitians and to write in euery of them for what disease it was prescribed Then not considering whether their patients sicknesse proceed from the like cause whether they be of the same temperature and age and keepe the same diet nay not respecting whether the patient be a man or a woman cause them to swallow the same pilles and to drinke the same potions Others vse the receipts of ancient Phisitians hauing no regard of our climate and maner of life altogether differing from theirs Others follow their owne appetite in prescribing their patients a diet of such or such meats so that a Phisitian who naturally loueth or misliketh these or these meates will prescribe them or forbid them his patients accordingly Others againe being afraid to lose their reputation prescribe presently vpon the first view of the vrine not asking wherof the patient doth complaine albeit many learned Phisitians acknowledge that a man ought not to trust too much to the crisis of the vrine but to vse it onely as a help being ioyntly considered with other symptomes And if the learned haue small insight into vrines as themselues confesse how skilfull are the ignorant therein may we thinke Verily we assure our selues that they haue no skill in them at all yet they are the men forsooth who as soone as they haue looked vpon the vrine straight put pen to paper to prescribe some receipt for their patients without any further inquiry after such symptoms as might bring them to the knowledge of the disease At least that Phisitian ought ingeniously to haue acknowledged himselfe to haue bin altogether blind in such matters or to haue put on a false paire of spectacles who when one brought him a mans state and told him that it was a womans who
they say were brought a hundred two hundred or three huÌ„dred miles off albeit they were made but two or three houses off but they are on the sure side of the hedge For if they tell one that knoweth it not that it is Florence Searge it will be sold for Florence Searge and if they tel another that knoweth it they will answer him straight it is the common and vsuall phrase of speech the like may be said of Spanish felts 15 Notwithstanding I were to blame if I should say that Silkmen are not as witty as wollen Clothiers Nay contrarily I perswade my selfe that by how much silk threeds are finer then wollen threeds by so much are silke-mens wits more fine subtill to deuise cuÌ„ning sleights to deceiue For first as wollen clothiers flock their cloath so silke-men weaue crewell with their veluet which is to silke as flocks are to wooll Nay I haue heard that the ground of some of their veluet is plain threed But they haue a trick which clothiers haue not for by steeping them in water they make them seeme more substantiall and better wrought then indeed they are And if they can play the merchants so well in veluet by meanes of the water they can do it much more in Satin by the same means As for Taffata they steepe it not only in water whereby they deceiue but haue a further deuice whereby they make a peece of Taffata which hath but two threeds seeme as though it had foure that which hath foure as though it had sixe that which hath sixe as though it had eight and that which hath eight as though it had twelue So that for ten elles of Taffata which is right grograine indeed and wrought as it should be you shall haue ten peeces of counterfeit Farther we are to note that as Florence Searge which is sold in other countreyes to them that know not what belongeth vnto it goeth for Florence Searge but to them that are acquainted with it is sold for Searge made after the manner of Florence so the Satin which they call Satin of Bruges is but vne hapelourde as the French man speaketh that is a false and counterfaite stuffe as I may say a meete baiâ—e to cunny-catch those who either haue not deaâ—â— with any of long time or haue forgotteÌ„ it for to those that know it not it is good Satin to others that know it it is Satin of Bruges This short aduertisement therefore shall suffice to stirre vp those who by reason of their practise in the trade are better acquainted with them theÌ„ my self to discouer the like impostures For there are euer two sorts of tradesmen of the same trade faire chapmen and false cheaters Otherwise I could not haue discouered so many of their secrets and mysteries if some honest Merchants of whom I learned the former had not first acquainted me therewith Therefore I protest it was the least part of my meaning to houer in generalities in my former discourse neither is it my purpose to do it in that which followeth 16 Notwithstanding I may not in any wise forget Vsurers least it be said that I fauor them True it is that when I first read in Menot and Maillard such a number of their subtill sleights and crafty conueyances I thought it almost impossible to adde any thing vnto them but when I begunne to intreat of this argument I perceiued that I needed not go farre or trouble my selfe much in discouering of others coming newly sparkling from the forge Among which I will range this in the first ranke not because it is very witty but because it is very pleasant of an vsurer of Vincence who was very importunate with the preacher of that place to cry out lustily against vsurers and being demanded by him why he was so earnest to haue him preach against them he gaue him this answer Sir quoth he I hope if you cry out mainly against them and reproue them sharply for it you wil in the end make them leaue it and then if I can once be alone or haue but few fellows I doubt not but I shall quickly grow rich wheras now I caÌ„ get nothing among such a multitude But let vs proceed to other wicked practises much more pernicious whereby they insnare especially spend thrifts and bad husbands For it is ordinarie with bankrupts when they begin to breake to haue their next recourse to vsurers though this be the breaknecke of all and the ready way to ouerthrow them horse and foote See then here a trick very common at this day If a rich merchant-vsurer be intreated to lend a summe of money his answer will be that he hath none but he hath wares which he cares not to part withall so he may haue the value of them in money but that he shall be sure to lose by them if he sell them ouer quickly whereupon he will direct the borrower to a good fellow with whom he hath agreed vnderhand who will not giue aboue fiue or sixe hundred crownes for that for which the borrower agreed to giue a thousand which thousand he is bound to pay as though he had receiued the mony in hand and pursed it Which trick hath affinitie with that formerly spoken of by Menot Maillard But see here a farre stranger deuice which they mention not at all for sometimes they deliuer not the merchandize really but by imagination sending them only in their names to cause them to giue a bill of their hand almost for twise so much as they receiue Moreouer there are such villanous vsuries practised at this day with such strange courses and proceedings as doubtlesse the aforesaid Preachers neuer heard of and it is not vnlike but that they haue bin deuised of late For the meanes whereby vsurers in some countries are wont to gnaw the borrower to the bones are these First note that some are lenders by their occupation and others sureties when then a man commeth to an vsurer who lendeth for fiue in the hundred and after much ado hath got a promise vpon condition he put in a sufficient suretie the good wife also giuing her consent by meanes of some good present he must hire some good fellow to be suretie for him by presenting him with some thing who will do nothing for all that except he may haue a pawne worth very neare twise so much And yet all this will not serue the turne neither for that suretie must get another suretie who must of necessitie be won by some present at the borrowers cost And after all is done he sparing nothing in the meane time to feast these conicatchers bindeth himselfe in Darby bonds to giue certain pledges at the termes end if he misse payment at the time appointed If then he breake day three or foure vnder the name of pledges more or lesse as it was formerly agreed come to an Inne and there make good cheare at the borrowers cost And besides haue a
certaine dayly allowance mentioned in the bond which comes often to twice so much as their charges and there they runne vpon his score till he come to take some other order I meane till he satisfie their host for all that they haue spent and content them for their wages and by mediation of Angels renew the bond both with the creditor and the sureties to obtaine a second terme for the first being expired he must see them afresh or seâ—ke for other sureties such as his creditor shall like of and so at the last the land or house or whatsoeuer was layd to pawne is so deepe in the vsurers booke that the borrower is no way able to redeeme it But this is the diuell and all that they will not stay till he owe them so much as the pawne is worth but cause the house to be adiudged them for the lone of 400. or 500. crownes which is worth 1500. or 2000. whereof they are to haue the vse vntill it be plucked out of their clawes the vsury notwithstanding of fiue in the hundred still running on till it be payed or till such time as at the request of other creditors the house or land may be sold at port-sale that he may haue the ouerplus of the true value Albeit it falleth out many times in such selling by port-sale the countrey being poore of it selfe and the creditors men of power and might that the house is sold or valued at halfe the worth no man willing or daring to inhance the price Besides al this when the creditor lent his mony he deliuered such peeces of gold as he thought good whether they were weight or not it mattered not with hobby horses and siluer daggers or such like toyes for such a price Tell me now good Reader what sayst thou to this kind of vsury Doest thou thinke that the diuell himselfe could do worse if he should become an vsurer for my part I am perswaded he could not And yet the vsury which is so common at this day in grinding the faces of the poore people makes their case much more lamentable when griping extortioners do not onely impouerish them they being poore already but euen cut their throates in taking their meate out of their mouthes by their monopolies dayly deuised by these wicked wretches going to meet the wagons and boates bringing in commodities and corrupting the carters and watermen to make them stay by the way I remember I was once in place where it was reported that these merchants for Monopolies caused the horses to be conueyed away faining that they had necessary vse for them where as it was well knowne their drift was to take them from the watermen that being vnprouided of horses to draw their boates they might be caused to stay by the way CHAP. XVII Of the thefts and iniustice of Lawyers COncerning thefts committed by Lawyers especially by such as are termed Pettifoggers though they be now farre greater and in greater number and suites in law more chargeable then euer they were notwithstanding all politicke courses and prouisoes to the contrarie yet they are more tollerable then those of their predecessors For if volenti consentienti non fit iniuria and si nolentem qui seruat idem facit occidenti what harme do pettifoggers to hold out their hands and open their purses to such as desire to fill them vpon condition they make them some sport and let them see a thousand fine fetches and as many cunning conueyances and feates of theirs In the raigne of king Lewis the eleuenth there was a Bishop which tooke such delight in this sport that when the King would haue eased him of a number of suites he earnestly besought his highnesse to leaue him some twentie or thirtie behind wherewith he might merrily passe away the time But that humor is now very common and it is growne to this head that men do not onely delight in it but seeke no other pastime or recreation all their liues long so that to liue without suites were a death vnto them What reason is it then that Lawyers should make them such good sport for nothing Or that they should be weary of taking before they be weary of giuing And I am easily induced to thinke that wheÌ„ they were called Pragmaticiens that is Pragmatitioners by the original word things were not so out of square but since that a sillable of their name was clipped away and they called Praticiens that is Practitioners they knew well how how to make themselues amends for this curtailing of their name as well vpon their purses who were not in fault as vpon theirs who were authors thereof Besides these termes of pratique and praticiens were giuen them fitly for the purpose to teach them how they were to handle those that came within their clouches Further most certaine it is that Lawyers can get pounds more easily at this day then they could crownes in former time for whereas the Poyteuin in times past commenced but one suite for a pins point he now commenceth halfe a dozen for as small a matter The Norman who vsed to go by water for want of a horse and to send his writs by land for feare of losing rideth now on horseback and carieth his writings with him And surely there is great reason that horsmens practises should exceed footmens But in earnest I verily thinke that there are more pettifogging and conicatching Lawyers to be found at this day who do euen flea eate and gnaw the poore people to the very bones especially where the Romish religion is in request and vse more craftie sleights subtilties cogging parts concussions and all manner of corruption then euer were heard of in former time Now it would the more grieue me for this age wherein we liue in which men are more giuen to wrangle at the law then euer if it were good going to law then now it doth seeing it is so chargeable For as the sea notwithstanding it be so boisterous and raging hath many customers if it were quiet and calme would haue many more euen a hundred for one so if Lawyers who in kindnes cut mens throates do not discourage men from following them what would they do if suites were not accompanied with so many miseries doubtlesse the Poyteuin who in old time commenced but one suite for a pins point and now as hath bene said maketh halfe a dozen of it would coÌ„mence twentie at the least for as small a matter In a word it were good in my iudgement for the ease of the poore people if suites were so peppered and salted that no man no nor the diuel himself might swallow them Notwithstanding as when a wicked man is slaine by another as bad as himselfe we acknowledge the hand of God therein executing his iudgements before our eyes and yet we approue not the murtherers fact so when we see these busibodies who are euer wrangling with their neighbours and following the law albeit
intreat him in her husbands behalf whom he kept in prison he requested her to do him a small pleasure onely to giue him a nights lodging promising vpon that condition to grant whatsoeuer she would aske She poore soule was here put to a plunge and what woman is there who entirely loueth her husband that would not haue bene in the like case For considering with her selfe on the one side that if shee yeelded to his impotent affection she should violate her faith plighted to her husband and one the other side that she should saue his life by consenting vnto him she handled the matter warily and well For although she was resolued to preferre her husbands life before her good name yet she first acquainted him therewith who easily dispensing with her as it is like he would she let his Lordship take his pleasure which he so much desired perswading her selfe he would be as good as his word But the next morning this wicked wretch yea supersuperlatiue knaue if I may so speake hauing hanged him said vnto her I promised indeed you should haue your husband againe Well I wil be as good as my word I wil not keep him frō you take him to you If we here consider the difference which ought to be between Christians heathen can we say that the knaueries of Verres for which he was so battered with the canon shot and striken downe with the thunderbolt of Tullies eloquence did any way come neare this notorious villany cōmitted notwithstanding in the sight of the Sunne I haue often heard of another of his knauish parts which because it makes much to shew his integritie may well go hand in hand with the former that so both of them may be registred in his chronicles Whilst this iolly gentleman was about to hang a silly soule who was vpon the ladder a good fellow came vnto him and whispered in his eare promising that if he would saue his life he would giue him a hundred crownes in ready money which words had so good a rellish and made his teeth so to water that he presently gaue a signe to the hang-man to hold his hand hauing deuised a good scābling shift came neare to the place of execution said aloud in his gibbridge Regardas messeurs en qual dangi◠me mettio a quest malhurous Car el a courone non m'oudisio pas Lo mal de terre te vire Dauala dauala tu seras menat dauant l'official ton iuge That is See my maisters into what danger this roague hath brought me for he hath courone and neuer told me A plague light on thee Come downe come downe Sirra thou shalt be presented before the officiall thy Iudge And here I remember another tricke yet farre more strange plaid by another who had the same office This good fellow desirous on the one side to saue a theeues life that was committed into his hands vpō condition he might haue a share in the booty as was formerly agreed and on the other side fearing lest the people should murmur and mutine if he suffered not the Law to haue his course and that himselfe should be in danger of his life he shifted it thus He apprehended a simple fellow and told him that he had sought for him a long time and that he was the man that had committed such a fact The silly soule denied it stoutly as one whose conscience acquit him of all that was laid to his charge But the Prouost being resolued to proceed on and to prosecute the matter against him to the proofe suborned certaine good fellowes to deale with him vnder hand and to shew him that it was better for him to confesse the fact seeing that whether he denied or confessed it there was no remedy he was sure to lose his life and that if he confessed it the Prouost wold be bound by oth to cause so many masses to be said for him that he might assure himself he should go to heauen and though he denyed it he shold be hanged neuerthelesse and go to the diuell because no man would procure him so much as one masse The simple sot hearing that he should be hanged and after go the diuell was terribly affraid and said that he had rather be hanged and so go to God In the end he told them he did not remember that euer he committed any such thing notwithstanding if any man did better remember it then himselfe and were sure of it he would dye patiently onely he besought them in any hand to keepe touch with him for his masses He had no sooner spoken the word but he was brought to the place of execution to supply his roome that had deserued death Howbeit being vpon the ladder he vttered certaine speeches by which he gaue the people to vnderstand that he was sorry that euer he had confessed so much notwithstanding the heauen and happinesse they had promised him To remedy which inconuenience the Prouost gaue a signe to the hangmā to turne him off the ladder lest he should tell tales out of the schoole which was done accordingly But because I am come to the very height of these mens impieties I will here strike saile and direct my course to another coast 3 And if I must needs speake of Iudges and Iustices wiues as well as Maillard and Menot be it knowne vnto all men that they are not content to haue their gownes died in the blood of the poore nor to get their liuing by the sweat of their bodies as those houswiues mentioned by the foresaid preachers but make their market better and go a nearer way to the wood For wheras they get nothing but braue apparrell and iewels by such sweat these get offices besides for their husbands And what say these gentle Gillians and chast Penelopes Quae faciunt placitum Domini Abbatis Domini Episcopi Domini Cardinalis as Menot speaketh when they see their husbands aduanced by their meanes but that it is good to haue the fauour of great Lords and that a man cannot tell what need he may haue of their helping hand Questionlesse if Menot or Maillard were now liuing they would answer them roundly if they had not forgotten their old Latin Ad omnes Diabolos talem fauorem 4 Which being so it cannot be but that that wicked kind of cheating and chaffering which was vsed in Menots time as we may perceiue by his complaints should be much more common and ordinary at this day viz. that Lawyers should lend their consciences to great Lords For seeing they obtaine offices of them at so easie a rate viz. by their meere fauour they cannot chuse as they thinke who haue as large a conscience as a ship-mans hose or a Franciscans sleeue which others call a cheuerell conscience but make them win the day and cary the cause though they should offer the greatest wrong in the world Notwithstanding I do not affirme that all maried men which are promoted by
could talke of it Notwithstanding I will here alleadge one onely example which shall sufficiently cleare this iolly manner of proceeding The Attourney of my Lord Beau-ieu and heire of Myles d'Hyliers Bishop of Chartres who is yet liuing if he be not very lately dead hauing receiued of the foresaid Lord a house standing in the place Maubert in Paris which he sold as it is reported for 150. or 200. pounds in ready money in recompence of the paines which he promised to take in aduancing his businesse in steed of promise he like a villaine betrayed him most perfidiously to his aduersary the Lord of Beaumont La ronce in hope of a parcell of land worth three hundred pounds which was promised him 7 As for cunning conueyances subtil sleights craftie deuices and cousining shifts vsed in Law would to God they were but quadruple to those in former times and that yong beginners were acquainted with no more sleights then the craftiest Lawyers were in former ages I will here alleadge onely two examples to this purpose which notwithstanding shall counteruaile two dozen of others The first is of a craftie conueyance grounded vpon a rigorous course in the formall proceeding of iustice not vnlike to that in Terence Summum ius summa saepè iniuria est which is this The Proctor and Counsell of a certaine gentleman who was the plaintiffe as being the next kinsman being corrupted and hauing compacted vnder hand with the Counsel Proctor of the aduerse partie caused the said plaintiffe to pay a certaine summe of mony very fraudulently giuing him the key of the budget backe againe in keeping wherein the mony was to the end that when the defendant should come to receiue his mony at the time appointed and that the depositary should answer that he could not deliuer him any til he had the key he might take witnesse that he refused to pay it and so sentence might passe on his side that his aduersary had not tendered the mony according to couenant and consequently that he might be cast in his suite and wiped of all which fell out accordingly The second is of a most strange sleight deuised to saue the life of one imprisoned for a capital crime The story is this One Williā Kinsmā being condemned by the vnder Iudge of Poitiers to be boyled in oyle for a false coyner appealed to the Court of Parliament at Paris whither being brought his proctor Belluchian gaue him intelligence that the next day he should be confronted with 20. witnesses Whereupon Kinsman intreated him to send him some nimble headed fellow promising to giue him ten French crownes and by him he directed the said Belluchian that at night he should disguise himself and repaire to the house where the witnesses lodged faining himselfe to be one of the number and that in supper time he should giue it out that William Kinsman against whom they were come to depose would escape as he had done sundry times before The proctor did as he was enioyned wherupon they growing hot vpon his words would needs wager with him to the contrary and layed downe euery man his quart d'escu Of all which particulars the proctor took a register by two publike notaries whom he had brought with him secretly for that purpose which being authentically taken he sent it to the said Kinsman who being confronted the next morning with these witnesses and demanded as the manner is whether he held them for honest men and whether he would except against any of them answered that they were all as true to him as Iudas was to Christ for said he they haue sworne my death for proofe whereof see this scrole Now as this was in any mans iudgement a most sublimate subtiltie as I may say so I thinke no man will denie but that albeit the defendant aduised his proctor thereof yet it may well be reckoned in the number of those which are dayly forged in the Lawyers shops to vse the French phrase and consequently may fitly be placed here among the rest 8 Now if there be haply any that will not rest satisfied with the former examples but shall thinke that this age hath greater store of them I will alleadge two others which I hope will suffice to make vp the whole number and which if I be not greatly deceiued were deuised of late at leastwise not mentioned by the foresaid Preachers The first is that whereas in former time the definitiue sentence of the Iudge did put an end to all suites they haue now found out a tricke to continue protract and multiply them so much the more for there are some suites which haue bin decided ten times by sentence of Court and yet are as new to begin as euer they were The second is that for one head which is cut off from a suite there forthwith spring out as many moe as there did in old time out of the serpent Hydra To wind vp all in a word whereas our ancestors complained onely of the length of suites for it is no new saying Lis litem serit we haue iust cause to complaine that they can neuer haue end 9 Now if it were necessary to particularize that which hath bene spoken in generall touching the corruption which is to be seene in pettifogging practises I could here alleadge a very strange practise which thankes be to God was in request but onely for a time no longer then the credit of the author thereof the selfe same man who was made so famous by a comedie acted in Artois where it was said Bertran di te lechon Il nescé mie se lechon Par me foy il luy faut bailler sur sès fesses Non non il est trop grand pour auoir sur ses fesses il vaut mieux luy bailler les seaux that is Bertram say thy lesson He cannot say his lesson In good troth he must be beaten Nay by your leaue Sir he is too old to vntrusse we were better giue him the keeping of the broade seale This fine fellow whō I wil not make knowne by any other name not content to seale hand ouer head whatsoeuer great men intreated him granted writs out of the Court of Parliament at Paris to both parties as wel the plaintiffes as the defendants with reuocatory letters one vpon another sometimes to the number of sixe or seuen Now what age can boast or brag euer to haue seene or heard the like 10 But if we should proceed further and come to the fountaine and original of these euils we should no doubt find it to be so great that we may well wonder they did not maister the banks and ouerflow in greater measure For if we consider the great impunitie and free libertie which is granted to prolling pettifoggers chicken Iustices and corrupt Iudges who at this day wrest and peruert the law we may wonder they do not ten times worse But if we should see an exemplary punishment inflicted vpon such malefactors like vnto
be found common at this day if diligent enquirie were made but that the child also was murthered before her face as soone as it was borne And that she did no sooner begin to exclaime against that so hainous and horrible a fact but she was in danger to haue bene serued with the same sawce by these murtherers and their complices She further added that they hung the chamber in which the woman was deliuered and the child murthered with white cloth to the end she might take no notice thereof and that they conueyed her backe againe to her house hoodwinked as before By this we may see what murthering minds some women beare True it is indeed our Ladies at this day need not to take so cruell a course considering they haue so many prophylactica to keepe their bellies from tympanizing Touching the currish crueltie or rather fury and firy affection of women against ther owne bloud Pontanus recordeth a farre stranger fact then any yet mentioned of certaine which stifled their children with their owne hands as they were comming from betweene their feete not so much for feare of hauing their whoredome and harlatry knowne as to be reuenged of their husbands Whereof he seemes to speake as of a thing which fell out in his owne time For hauing discoursed at large of the foresaid villanies committed in those dayes he addeth Compertas audio etiam vxores quae vt viros hoc iniuriarum genere insectarentur aut illatas ab illis iniurias vlciscerentur hac potissimùm ratione in lucem venientem prolem proprijs eliserint manibus Howbeit I cannot thinke that so desperate and diuellish a desire of reuenge could euer enter into the heart of any Frenchwoman and God grant that France neuer finde a race of such Medea's But here I am in some doubt whether I should with silence passe ouer those women who commit their children to the first nurses they meete with neuer enquiring of their qualities and conditions nor of their skill and will to performe their dutie nor yet whether they be sound or sickly of a good or a bad constitution as rotten pocky leaprous c. Who after they haue once rid their hands of them and committed them to their care and custodie seldome or neuer take thought for them or remember them till they heare the passing bell go for them they being ready to giue vp the ghost Notwithstanding I dare not call such mothers murtherers especially when they haue a iust excuse to exempt them from the performance of this dutie Yet thus much I dare say let them take offence that will it skilleth not so that wise and modest matrons be not offended that they are more cruell then the very heathen who exposed their children to the wide world recommending them as it were to the starres and destinie If they shall alleadge for themselues that all children which fall into the hands of such nurses neither die nor otherwise miscarry I answer againe neither do all die that are exposed For fortune is so fauourable to some that they may thanke God that euer they were exposed whereas children committed to such nasty nurses either die shortly after or carry about them such diseases and maladies as make them miserable all their liues long By which we may see how far women at this day degenerate from the natural affection of the Queene formerly mentioned who was so highly offended with one of her Ladies for giuing her child sucke so loath she was it should haue any nurse saue her selfe and so iealous as it were of imparting this honor to any other But sithence I am come by good occasion to speake of the custome which in times past was common among the heathen of exposing children my purpose is not to giue it so generall a passe but to discourse of the difference betweene these Pagans and those who haue the name and beare the badge of Christians First then I confesse that this custome of exposing children hath had small or no entertainment among Christians as sundry Greeke and Latine authors do sufficiently witnesse For it hath not bene heard that enfans trouues as the French call them were euer exposed by any but by such as were pinched either with pouertie or feare of infamie Albeit Monasteries at this day stand many of these murthering Medea's who are neither vrged with the one not pressed with the other in the same stead that exposing did in old time which vnnaturall and cruel course they take lest through the multitude of children they should be constrained to keepe a meaner house and carry a lower saile And hence it is that many parents make their children beleeue that they haue vowed virginitie which God knows they neuer meant and vnder colour hereof confine them in some monastery in their yonger yeares whilest they know no more what virginitie meanes then little girles who put the finger in the eye when they are called maides But what curses and imprecations children thus mued vp vse against their parents when they come to yeares of discretion is more then notoriously knowne The questiō then is whether they do not as good as murther them whē they force the stream against his course in compelling them to enter into such a state of life wherein they cannot liue without falling into horrible pollutions which cease not to pull the fearful iudgements of God vpon their heads For mine owne part I am of opinion that by how much the soule is more precious then the body by so much this murther is greater then the former 15 I might here adde sundry other sorts of murthers at leastwise facts as hainous as any murther as of griping vsurers and such as by sinister meanes grind the faces of the poore people and sift them to the very bran as pettifogging proctors prowling promouters and chicken Iustices who are therfore rightly called cōmon cut-throates bloud-suckers and cormorants of a countrey But I will content my selfe with these before specified and come to those that are felons de se as Lawyers speake whose examples ought the more to humble vs in that they shew vs what great power the diuell hath ouer vs when we giue him but the least aduantage and stand not vpon our guard by holding him out at the staffes end I meane when we quench not his firy darts by the shield of faith and beate them not backe by the sword of the spirit For though Pagans made little or no conscience to make away themselues and though most Philosophers approued it by precept some also by their practise yet the Christian world was neuer so corrupt but that it hath euer condemned these felons de se and razed them not only out of the number of Christians by denying them Christian buriall but euen of men notwithstanding they haue bene frequent and common in all ages as histories record First therefore to begin with women as we did before with the fact of Lucretia we reade
vsed the like trechery for hauing inuited a bailiffe of the towne to dinner called Herman Grin and making great shew of loue and kindnesse albeit they hated him to the death they led him out to see a Lion which they kept in honor of their Bishop whom they knew to be hunger-bit and he was no sooner come into the place but they shut the doore vpon him The man seeing himselfe in this danger plucked vp a good heart and winding his cloake about his left arme thrust it into the Lions mouth as he came rushing vpon him and with his right hand thrust his rapier into his belly and slue him 9 But to returne to Prelates we reade how one Henry Archbishop of Collen most cruelly tormented Earle Fredericke for hauing broken his armes legs thighs back and neck vpon the wheele he caused him to finish the rest of his life in lingring paine exposing him to the crowes 10 But if any desire to heare of a cruelty not proceeding from reuenge but committed in a merriment against such as neuer gaue the least offence this it is In the raigne of the Emperour Otho the great Hatto Bishop of Ments tooke such pitie vpon the poore in the time of a great dearth that he got a multitude of them together into a barne and burned them all therein saying that they differed nothing from rats which deuoured corne and were good for nothing But obserue the fearfull terrible and horrible iudgement of God which befell him whilest he was yet liuing for he sent great troupes of rats which after they had grieuously tormented him ate him vp quicke And it litle auailed him to go vp to the top of his high tower to saue himselfe for the rats hunting him from place to place pursued him thither also whereupon it is called The rats tower vnto this day And yet notwithstanding this fearfull example Heribert Archbishop of Collen had a brother who vsed the poore after the same manner in the time of a dearth 11 But what shall we say of a Iacobine who poisoned the Emperour Henry the seuenth with his breaden God which he gaue him in the consecrated host What will the Friers Diuell do trow we if their God be so dangerous to deale with Vpon which argument I writ this sporting huictain Les Payens ne vouloyent mettre au nombre des Dieux Ceux qui au genre humain estoyent pernicieux Si le Dieu de paste est vn Dieu qui empoisonne Dont l'Empereur Henri tesmoignage nous donne Que diroyent les Payens de ces gentils Docteurs Qui les hommes ont fait de lui adorateurs Car si leur Dieu ne fait de meurtrir conscience Entre leur Diable Dieu quelle est la difference That is Neuer did Pagans mong'st their Gods recite Who euer mortall wight had ill bestead If then the God of bread can poison hide As hath bene tride by Henry to his bane What would our Pagans faine that knew of yore How they do it adore with bended knee For if their God be free to worke such euill What difference is betwixt their God and Deuill If any shall haply obiect that these sauage cruelties were not committed in these dayes but long before I answer that seeing the world hath euer growne worse and worse and the Cleargy rather then the Laity as the three Preachers so often before alleadged do sufficiently testifie those cruelties may wel be accounted but small and tollerable in comparison But if any be incredulous or hard of beleefe he may reade what Cannibal-like cruelties certaine Monks and Popish prelates haue exercised of late against such as wold not embrace the Romane religion and how they handled them when once they came within their walke As among the rest the history of Iohn de Roma a Iacobine Frier one of the holy house of Spaine a persecutor of the poore Christians of Merindol and Cabriere who neuer left beating his braines how he might inuent new torments to inflict vpon these poore people and their confederates one of which was to fill bootes with boyling grease and to pull them on the legs of those whom he was to examine that the extremitie of paine might so distract them as that they might make no pertinent answer to any demaund And we are not to wonder how they could play the bloudy butchers and exercise their tyranny vpon these silly soules seeing they vsurped almost a soueraigne power and princely authority ouer them Not to go farre back nor farre off for examples we reade how the said Frier vnder colour of his commission as being one of the Inquisition was both accuser party and Iudge how he caried with him through Prouence a number of vile varlets well appointed in all places where euer he came especially in country townes breaking open chests and trunks and stealing thence gold and siluer and what else might easily be packed vp and caried away pilling polling those whom he could not otherwise spoile either by impositions or amercements or confiscations of their goods 12 I was here purposed to haue ended this Chapter but that I remember I haue not spoken of those that imbrue their hands in their owne bloud and sacrifice themselues to their owne shame which I had rather here adde though somewhat out of order then altogether to omit them Howbeit my meaning is not to busie my selfe with the examples of Clergymen who haue layd violent hands vpō themselues therewith to parallele the examples of Laymen who haue bin moued to do the like I will onely insist vpon one which is proper vnto them quarto modo as Logicians speake For all the former examples of felons de se are common as well to the Cleargy as to the Laity But this which I am about to relate is peculiar to Cleargy-men and Lay-men haue no part therein being a murther committed vpon a proud conceit which popish priests had of their merits that they forsooth did as farre exceed Lay-mens merits as the pillars in the Church do their shadowes For though Laymen put great confidence in them yet they neuer so relyed vpon them as that they would aduenture to cast themselues from the top of a high towre or into a deepe well which befel this merit-monger of whom we speake The story is this A Monk called Heron hauing liued fifty yeares in an Ermitage and strictly obserued the rules and orders of his founder was so puffed vp with pride vaine conceit of himselfe in regard of the merit of his works that the diuel appeared vnto him tempted him to take trial of the vertue of thē by casting himselfe into a well assuring him he should escape without harme The fond Frier thinking it had bin an Angel sent vnto him from heauen for this end cast himselfe into a well of that depth that the bottome of it could not be seene whence being drawne out again with much ado they could not
APOLOGY FOR HERODOTVS ANCHORA SPEI LONDON Imprinted for IOHN NORTON 1607. TO THE HONORABLE KNIGHT SIR ROBERT RICH AND TO THE VVORTHY GENTLEMAN Maister Henry Rich his brother sonnes to the right honorable the Lord RICH. HAuing no other meanes out of my small fortunes to do you honor right worshipful and worthy Gentlemen and to make your worthinesse knowne to the world but only this paper present J do here according to my long intended purpose present you with the second part of Stephens Apologie desiring it may remaine with you as a pledge and testimony of my thankefulnesse for the continuall flow of your manifold fauours farre aboue the proportion of my deserts and as an earnest of that propense mind and vnfained affection which J beare to your house and name The worke you may iustly chalenge at my hands by a double right First in that it was begun at my honorable good Lord your fathers house in Essex where being destitute of other bookes and knowing not how to passe those long nights with better recreation at your entreaty together with my entire friend Monsieur Beaufort theÌ„ your schoolmaster for the French tongue and now Doctour of Physicke in Basil I first vndertook the work beginning as you know 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 with the second part in the first place SecoÌ„dly in that it is done by him who oweth himselfe and all he can do to your loue and seruice But as the first borne among the Jewes had a double portion so you Sir Robert haue a double right herein aboue your brother First in that your helping hand hath not bene wanting to the worke in translating at my motion and for your owne recreation the 36 Chapter which without any great filing or fourbishing of mine went to the presse as it came from your pen being done so faithfully according to the French and so fitly and finely in regard of the English phrase that J feare nothing so much as lest like a peece of veluet in a beggars coate it should shame the residue of the worke And this I both should and would haue seconded with your other translation of D. Tylenus his confutation of the Bishop of Eureux which you left with me when you left the Vniuersitie but that it was preuented by a worse Secondly in that you were not onely Primus motor the man that first set it on foote but also 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 and he that kept it still on the wheeles For had I not bene first moued by you it had neuer bin begun at least by me and had you not so often called vpon me as well by word as writing it had lyen still in loose leaues as an idle toy fitter to be â—udibrium venti or meate for the mothes then matter for the Presse They therefore that shall reape either profite or pleasure by this my translation are to thanke you for your good motion without which it had neuer seene the light of the Sun And thinke not M. Henry that you are here excluded for as it was begun so was it also finished with special respect to your intended trauaile that it might furnish you with matter for discourse in keeping complement at the French Court whither you haue bene so often sent for by your respectiue God-father his Maiestie of France To you both therefore I send it as well to do you honor as to receiue honor froÌ„ you Yet know this that paper praises being nothing but the wind of meÌ„s words can neither eternize your name nor blazon your fame to posteritie as that proud pedanticke thought who promised immortalitie to those to whom he dedicated any of his works Vertue onely and valour are the highway to true Honor which Marcellus signified by the two Temples which he dedicated to the Goddesses Vertue and Honour being so contriued that no man could enter into the Temple of Honour but he that had first gone through that of Vertue And the truth hereof may appeare in the glasse of these examples For these foure worthies of the world Alexander Caesar Augustus Constantine of whose names cities were built and moneths denominated continue famous euen to this day And so long as the two moneths in the yeare Iuly and August and those two renowned cities Alexandria and Constantinople remaine their memory shal neuer perish Whereas Nero Commodus and such like monsters who attempted the like the first laboring to haue April called Neronius the second September Commodus haue fallen to the very counterpoint of that they aymed at dying like a candle which leaueth the snuffe stinking after it being now no way famous but by the infamy of their wicked liues And what can be said of the Kings of France called the idle saue onely this that they haue left nothing memorable but that they left no memorie The like inglorious end cannot but befall all those who either with the idle drone eate more then they earne or waste the candle in idle play which was allowed to haue lighted them to bed This I speake not as taking vpon me to schoole you or to reade you a lecture as if you were still in the Vniuersitie but in dutie to your Father to whom J am so infinitely indebted for his honorable fauours and in loue to your persons to encourage you on in a good course by adding fuell to the fire and oyle to the flame that as you are rich in name and in outward goods but more rich in those of the body so you may be most rich in those of the mind and so be true inheritors not onely of your Fathers name and goods but also of his vertues in being the shadow of his mind making his example and honorable courses the Cynosura by which you are to direct your course For doubtlesse in so doing you shall not onely auoid Scylla and Charybdis those dangerous rocks and deuouring gulfes which lie in your way where so many are either swallowed vp or suffer ship-wracke you know what J meane but arriue in the end at the hauen of eternall happinesse And there J leaue you Your Worsh. most affectionate R.C. THE SECOND PART OF THE PREPARATIVE TREATISE TO THE APOLOGIE FOR HERODOTVS The Preface I Proceed now to prosecute the second part of this present Apologie For hauing in the beginning of this Discourse propounded to handle these two things first the reuerend opinion which some had of antiquitie secondly the base conceit that others had thereof And hauing shewed how the former did honour and reuerence it in regard of the vertuous liues and valorous deeds of their auncestors and how the latter on the contrary had it in high scorne and disdaine in regard of their rudenesse and simplicitie I thought it not impertinent the better to content and satisfie the Reader to alleadge some few examples by which he might see as in a crystal the particulars which I vndertooke to demonstrate And hoping I haue sufficiently acquit my selfe touching the
rapt into the third heauen an elect vessell chosen by our Lord to be an Apostle True it is he once said I desire to be dissolued and to be with Christ. But when it came to the point indeed he slunke backe and said I appeale vnto Caesar. Acts 25. 11 But if further inquiry were made it would no doubt be found that they haue sundry other wayes most wickedly prophaned the holy Scriptures but for this present I will content my selfe with these already mentioned For in that they abuse certaine places in following the old translation and stand so stifly vpon the words that they ground strange conclusions thereon though it be a manifest fault yet is it more pardonable then the former For the Liripipium will not giue these licentiâ—â—s I meane our great graduats the Batchelers and Doctors of Sorbonne leaue to busie their braines with the Greeke and Ebrew but to content themselues if they can serue out a messe I should haue said a Masse with the Latin ladle as for these learned languages to leaue them as they find them 12 I come now to the height of their villany the quintessence of their forgery shold I say or rather knauery in foisting in a number of sentences vnder the name of Scripture which are not to be found either in the old or new Testament No maruaile therfore if they haue bene so bold with the ancient doctors in alleadging their testimonies to proue the vertue and efficacy of their Masse as we may see in the end of that worthy work of Conformities where we find a number of sweete sayings in coÌ„mendation of their Masse gathered as it is there said out of S. Ierom. S. Augustin S. Chrysostome and other ancient fathers which are no where to be found in theâ—â— workes nay which are cleane crosse and contrary to the tenour of their doctrine And we may well assure our selues they were neuer so leâ—d as to belch forth such blasphemies as that which is fathered vpon S. Chrysostome Tantum valet celebratio Missae quantum Christi passio quia sicut mors Christi redemit nos à peccatis sic Missae celebratio saluat nos that is The sacrifice of the Masse is of as great vertue force and efficacy as the passion of Christ for as the death of Christ hath freed vs froÌ„ sin so the sacrifice of the Masse saueth vs. O the blasphemy of these filthy Fryers CHAP. XXXIII Of other abuses of Scripture WE heard in the former Chapter how the professors of the Roman religion were wont to wring wrest the Scripture and to alleadge them hab-nab without either rime or reason and how some were faulty herein of ignorance and others of malice but here we shall see how they abuse it after another manner First therefore we are to note that when they saw they could not set any glosse vpon their lies and Legends in that they could not find a text though neuer so strained that might giue any colour thereto their manner was to face it out with shamelesse lyes as if they had had their budgets full of tickling texts And how I beseech you did they manage the matter They made forsooth euery lying Legend a maxime and principle hauing sufficient light in it selfe and needing no proofe from any place of Scripture though euery place be a proofe and euery text a sufficient testimony as they would beare vs in hand For they knew that the poore people whom they had enchanted with the whore of Babilons filthy cup of abominations did think them to be such without all doubt or dispute And that it is euen so tell me gentle Reader how often thou hast heard this Prouerbe It is as true as God is in the Masse spoken by our good Catholikes who were of opinion that there was no article in Christian religion more certen and sure then this For who was not perswaded in old time that euery page in the Bible did speake thereof No maruaile therfore if they entertained such fables hand ouer head without demanding proofe or place of Scripture for confirmation thereof Howbeit they went a step further when they told the people in their sermoÌ„s that the Lutherans whoÌ„ they afterward baptised Huguenots were much like that wicked wretch Caine who would not once heare Masse in all his life wheras his brother Abel that good Church-man heard it euery day But a Curate in Sauoy went beyond them all for exhorting his parishioners to pay their tithes he said take heed good brethren how you follow the example of that cursed caitiffe Caine follow rather the example of good Abel For Caine would neither pay his tithes nor yet heare Masse whereas Abel paied them duly and that of the fairest and of the best and neuer a day went ouer his head in which he heard not one Masse at the least Now albeit I could easily name this geÌ„tle Curate yet I wil spare him for this once only let me add this one thing that he was not so well prouided of an answer when it was proued to his face and that out of his owne words that Priests in those dayes were maried For he was as mute as a fish when he was encountered with this argument Good Sir at that time whereof you speake there were but foure in all the world to wit Adam Eue Caine and Abel now Caine did neither sing nor yet say Masse for he could not you say endure to heare it And as for Abel he could not both sing himselfe and also heare it It remaines therfore that Adam sung it and that Abel or Eue ansvvered and held the torch whence it followeth that Priests were then maried But if he had had but one dram of wit he might haue answered that there were Martin Priests in those dayes who both sung and answered themselues Another Curate his pue-fellow affirmed in open Sermon that when the Angell Gabriel came to salute the virgin Mary he found her saying our Ladies Psalter And to sute the story of Abel who heard Masse euery day we may not in any wise forget how that Abraham Isaac Iacob and other good Patriarchs neuer went to bed without making the signe of the crosse and saying their Pater noster and their Aue Mary Now if a man should haue asked these silly soules how they knew this or that It sufficed for a full answer to say that they heard it of such a good preacher witnes the common saying It is true for I heard a Preacher say so 2 But the diuell foreseeing that the simple people would one day search the Scriptures and so perceiue when our great Sorbonicall doctors strained the string too high went a note aboue Ela fearing to lose his right for default of shewing good euidence hath foisted in a number of counterfet Apocryphall writings thereby to bleare the eyes of the simple who cannot perceiue his false iuggling I meane a bundle of bookes fathered vpon the Apostles or their disciples and yet
fraught and farced with diuellish doctrine flat contrary to that of the Apostles nay with such fables as Christian eares can no more endure to heare then the fictions and fooleries of Mahomets Alcoran Neither is it of late time that he vsed this deuice to shake and as much as in him lay to ouerturne and ruinate the very foundations of our religion for many yeares ago he vented abroad Euangelium Nicodemi Euangelium Thomae Euangelium Bartholomaei Euangelium Nazaraeorum Librum Pastoris and such like albeit he laboureth now afresh to the vttermost of his power to infect the world with the stench of them againe Whereof he hath giuen a pregnant proofe in a damnable booke intituled Proteuangelion siâ—e de natalibus Iesu Christi matris ipsius virginis Mariae For the better authorizing whereof he hath fathered it vpon S. Iames calling him cosin-german and brother to Christ. But what containes it may we thinke Verily such sweet stuffe as this how Anne the virgin Maries mother and wife to Ioachim makes her mone to God in regard of her barrennesse affirming that he dealt worse with her then with any other creature worse then with the very elements the water and the earth which brought forth fishes herbes and plants But first she alleadgeth the example of the birds which she remembred by seeing a sparrowes nest in a Lawrell tree vnder which she sate and she had no sooner ended her complaint but an Angell tooke his flight towards her for it is expresly said aduolauit and said vnto her O Anne God hath heard thy prayer thou shalt conceiue and beare a child and shalt be famous through the world WherupoÌ„ she vowed to dedicate her child to God whether it were male or female The Angell hauing done his message brought the same newes to Ioseph her husband who would not beleeue it till he was by miracle confirmed in the truth of the Angels report To be short at the end of nine moneths she was deliuered of the virgin Mary and according to her vow presented her to God when she was but three yeares old where she was receiued with many ceremonies by the high priest who propheâ—ied that mankind by her should be redeemed It is further said that he set her vpon the third step of the Altar where as she stood through Gods goodnesse she began to dance trimly And this she did to winne the loue and liking of the Israelites Now here it is to be noted that during the time of her abode in the Temple she was fed like a doue receiuing her viands from the hand of the Angell But when she was twelue yeares of age the Scribes assembled and consulted what course they should take with her being now come to those yeares that the sanctified of the Lord might not be polluted Meane time Zachary the high priest had a reuelation as he was praying that he should assemble all widowers in towne and country and that each man should bring a rod with him that she might be committed to his care and custody whom God should chuse by miracle All which being done accordingly a doue came out of Iosephs rod and light vpon his head whereupon the high Priest said God hath hereby manifested that it is his wil and pleasure thou shouldest haue the custody of this holy virgin But Ioseph refused saying I haue a great charge and now am old and she but yong therefore I feare me the children of Israel would laugh me to scorne if I should take her to wife But when he heard of the fearfull iudgements of God which befell Core Dathan and Abyram being greatly moued therewith he said Mary I take thee here from the Temple of the Lord howbeit I wil leaue thee at my house and returne to my Carpenters occupation and I beseech God blesse and preserue thee now and euer Now certain yeares after as she went with a pitcher to draw water she heard a voice from heaueÌ„ saying vnto her Aue gratia plena c. Afterwards are inserted certain sentences takeÌ„ out of the Gospel and in the end it is added how that being now 16. yeares of age and great with child as hauing gone six moneths Ioseph returning from his worke wherein he had employed himselfe for certaine yeares comming not home so much as once in all that time and finding her great with child was much amated And as he was communing with her about sundry things an Angell appeared vnto him and certified him of all these proceedings But it was great pitie that a Scribe who came to speak with Ioseph perceiuing Mary to be with child should make towne and country ring of it againe in such sort that they were forthwith apprehended and brought before the high Priest where when Ioseph affirmed that he neuer vsed fleshly familiaritie with her and she againe protested that she neuer had carnal company with him nor with any other man he caused them to drinke the water of Iealousie which when they had drunke and felt no inconuenience he said that seeing God would not detect them he would not be the man that should condemne them After follow the words of S. Luke chap. 2. how that Ioseph was of necessitie to bring her to Bethlem by reason of the royall commaundement which came from Augustus Caesar but it is not done without a lie for the whetstone and vsing such villanous speeches as these That when Mary said to Ioseph Depone me ab asina quia quod in me est me vrget vt progrediatur he tooke her downe and said vnto her vbi te inducam vt tegam pudenda quia locus desertus est Lastly it is said that she was brought in bed in a caue neare Bethlem sauing the credit of S. Luke who writeth otherwise and that Ioseph found a midwife by great good lucke who met with another afterwards called Salome who not beleeuing that a virgin could haue a child came to take triall thereof But I had neede of a brow of brasse a face of flint the like bebauched impudency that the author of this story had if I should set it downe in English I will therefore content my selfe with the Latin here ensuing Exiitque obstetrix ex spelunca obuiauit illi Salome dixit obstetrix ipsi Salome magnum tibi spectaculum habeo narrare virgo genuit quem non capit natura ipsius virgo manet virgo dixitque Salome viuit Dominus Deus meus nisi scrutata fuero naturam eius non credam quòd peperit Et ingrediens obstetrix dixit ipsi Mariae Reclina teipsam magnum enim tibi certamen incumbit Quum autem in ipso loco palpauit eam Salome egressa est dicens Vae mihi impiae perfidae quoniam tentaui DeuÌ„ viuentâ—m Et ecce manus mea igne ardens cadit à me Et flexit genua ad Deum ait Deus c. 3 But to leaue the rest to those steele stomackes that can
I remember I haue read a like story of another Franciscan called Bardotti which may fitly parallele the former who preaching at Bourdeaux of the good theefe to whom our Sauiour said This day thou shalt be with me in Paradise affirmed he had found in a certain Gospel the reason why he went straight to heauen not so much as saluting Purgatory by the way because that when Christ fled into Aegypt he would not suffer his fellowes to rob him nor those that were with him and that he should say vnto him I beseech you Sir remember me another time for the good turne I haue done you which he promised to do and so did when they hung together vpon the crosse Thus we see these ghostly fathers could neuer be drawne dry considering they had as many Gospels as they could desire out of some of which they took many fine fables to make their auditors some sport out of others sundry miracles able to rauish them with admiration I meane such miracles and lying wonders as the Euangelists neuer mention and out of others answers to sundry obiections which might marre their mirth by putting out the great fire of their greasie kitchin As this Bardotti who hauing much ado to maintaine his Purgatory against the foresaid place of the Euangelist alleadged this story for a full answer I haue also heard of another Preacher who serued his turne very well with this voyage into Aegipt to assoile a question wherewith he was sore troubled viz. when that was fulfilled which was foretold by the Prophet Ezechiel Et disperdam simulachra cessare faciam idola de Memphis for he said it was then fulfilled when our Sauiour fled into Aegypt being but a child I come now to their lying legends and pretended reuelations CHAP. XXXIIII Of fables taken out of their Legends and such like baggage wherewith they stuffed their Sermons BVt the store-house of most idle most addle and Frier-like fables hath bene and is the book intituled The golden Legend of the Saints containing such a number of absurd and ridiculous tales that the Reader had neede to hold hard behinde for marring his breeches which French-men do oftener in the vintage then any other season Neither is he to be too nice or daintie for he shall meet with many places out of which he shall neuer be able to extricate himself without doing that which fresh-water souldiers do as not hauing bin vsed to the sea Amongst which if I may iudge of other mens conceits by mine owne these may be numbred Frater Iuniperus whoÌ„ S. Francis held for a very holy maÌ„ purposing on a time to play the cooke very brauely put chickens into a great pot without either pluming drawing or washing them as also fresh and poudered beefe together with herbs pease beanes and such like pulse neither washing or clensing them and boiling all these together ouer a great fire serued in this goodly dish of meate and set it before his fellowes The same Frater Iuniperus and here a man had need to haue a strong stomack indeed being lodged vpon a time in a good bed and faire cleane sheets layd pilgrime salue therein which he left his host for full paiment without giuing him any other farewell Both which tales are taken out of the booke of Conformities before alleadged the first fol. 62. the second fol. 63. both these modest stories being there recorded to shew the humilitie of this holy Frier But if humilitie did consist in the second pranke here specified questionlesse there would be none comparable to that of yong children for they play this slippery trick oftener then their nurses would haue them yet we must not iudge rashly of this fact of Iuniperus for he knew it may be by reuelation that he was to set another hew vpon the sheets before he went thence And what can a man tel whether it was not a receipt which he had learned in some Legend For let me but speake this one thing in his behalfe that it is scarce probable that the stinke of these excrements should be like other mens especially considering we reade in the foresaid booke of Conformities fol. 51. how that a Monke of the same Couent called Ruffin draue away the diuell by threatning to vntrusse a point into his throate for it is there said that when the diuell heard this he ranne away in a maruellous rage as if a tempest had bin at his taile whereas going backe for feare of holy water he doth not make a whit the more hast Now if the diuell was in such a bodily feare to be so perfumed by Frier Ruffin the perfume doubtlesse which Frier Iuniperus left behind him in his bed to pay his host withall was more then Memphiticall 2 Pardon me good Reader if I be too broad for I am inforced to accommodate my selfe to the matter in hand For as the Greeke prouerbe saith It is hard to find modest words to expresse immodest things Notwithstanding I do not as thou mayst perceiue say the worst I can of these filthy Friers for the respect I haue of their holy mother the Church but if I take them tardy the second time let them assure themselues I will curry their cockscombs for altogether 3 But who is such an Heraclitus that would not burst with laughter when he shall reade in the life of S. Dominicke how he besieged the diuels in a certaine demoniack and would not suffer them to depart without giuing pledges and how in the end they got the holy Martyrs which lay buried in the Church to be their sureties But that I may the better satisfie the Reader I wil here set downe the very words of the story as they lie in the old French tongue Vn homme estoit demoniacle de plusieurs diables lequel lui fut presenté assauoir à S. Dominique il prit l'estole la mit sur son col Et puis en ceignit le col au demoniacle commanda à iceuâ— que d'oresenauant ils ne tourmentassent celui homme Et tantost ils furent tourmeÌ„tez dedans lui fourment dirent Laisse-nous aller Pour quoi nous contrains tu à estre tourmentez Et il dit Ie ne vous laisseray iusqu ' à tant que m'aurez donné plege que ne reâ—ournerez plus Et ils dirent Quels pleges vous pouuons-nous donner Et il dit Les saincts martyrs qui reposent en cesâ—e eglise Et ils dirent Nous ne pouuons car nos merites ne le requiâ—rent pas Et il dit Il conuient que vous les donniez ou ie ne vous laisseray pas aller quittes Et ils respondirent Qu'ils y mettroyent peine Et apres vn peu de temps ils dirent laçoit ce que nous ne soyons pâ—s dignez nous auons impetré que les saincts martyrs nous plegerout Et il requit auoir signe de cesâ—e chose Et ils dirent
Allez à la cháce où les châ—â—s des martyrs sont vous les trouuerez renuersez Adonc allerent fut ainsi â—â—ouué comme ils auoyent dit That is A certaine man possessed with many diuels was brought to S. Dominicke who tooke the stole and girded it fast about his necke commaunding them that from thencefoorth they should not torment him and foorthwith they were grieuously tormented within him and said Suffer vs to depart Why doest thou thus torment vs To whom he answered You shal not depart vntil you haue gotten some to be your sureties that ye wil neuer enter into him again They said What sureties The holy Martyrs said he which lie here in the Church Whereunto they answered Our merits do not deserue that Well you must procure theÌ„ said he to giue their words for you otherwise you shall not be set free They answered they would do their endeuour and returning againe not long after said Albeit we be vnworthy yet haue we gotten the holy Martyrs to be our sureties Then he demanded a signe of them If you go to the shrines said they where the sâ—uls of the Martyrs lie you shall find them ouerturned Whereupon he went and found it as they had said After which story or fable rather this other followeth which for the grace it hath deserues to go with it hand in hand It happened that as this holy father preached on a time certaine simple seduced women fell downe at his feet and said O thou man of God help vs. If this doctrine which thou hast taught be true an erroneous spirit hath this long time blinded our minds To whom he said Feare not stay a litle and you shall see what master you serue And immediatly they saw a blacke cat leaping in among them of the bignesse of a great curre with flaming eyes a long large and bloudy tongue reaching downe to her brest a crooked writhen taile turning vp on high shewing her posteriorums which way soeuer she went whence came a horrible stinch who hauing fisked this way and that way about these deuout dames a long time in the end went vp by the bel-ropes and left a filthy stinke behind her And so these women thanked God and turned to the Catholicke faith But because such stories as these are but Frier-like fables very harsh to all mens eares that are not Frierified I thinke it good whilest they are now listning and attentiue to let them heare at once the rest I do remember First then fol. 211. of the foresaid booke of Conformities we reade how S. Francis to shew that he was a pure virgin stripped himselfe naked before the Bishop of Assise and others and how he gaue his breeches to the foresaid father shewing that he was not defiled with women Thus much for the master Let vs now heare how well his schollers followed his example Fol. 62. Frier Leonard putting off his breeches at the gate of Viterbe put them vpon his head and binding his other apparell like a fardell about his necke went starke belly naked through the streets where he endured many villanies afterwards he went into the Friery where all the Friers cried shame vpon him but he was so holy a man that he respected not what they said telling them that he had done the like as he passed through two other cities There is also mention made of another of his disciples which tooke pleasure in playing the like pageant who whether he resemble the doggish Diogenes or not let the Reader iudge 4 And now I come to those examples which will not giue a man his breakefast as the former but onely his belly full of laughing cheare so as he may perhaps indanger that which I spake of And if you please to beginne with S. Francis let vs listen a little to his great wisedome recorded fol. 114. of the said booke how he saluted the birds spake vnto them and called them his brethren commanding them to hearken to the word of God and how they hearing him preach vnto them reioiced exceedingly thrusting out their necks and opening their beakes one vpon another maâ—king him all the while very attentiuely and how when the sermon was ended he walked through the middest of them and permitted them to depart Wherupon they flew all away with a great noise and deuided theÌ„selues into foure companies according to the foure quarters of the world therby signifying that the order of Saint Francis should be renoumed and dispersed throughout the earth Againe fol. 149. we reade that a Grashopper abode eight daies with him in stead of Saint Mary and that when he called her she flue vnto him and light vpon his head and so taking leaue of him departed As also how a Nightingale and he song Anthemes a whole day together by course Againe fol. 114. how he made the Swallows to cease their chattering calling theÌ„ sisters And in the same page how he cured a man-keene wolfe which had hurt many in the citty by making the signe of the crosse and how he made this agreement with him any brother wolfe thou must here promise me that thou wilt not rauen as heretofore thou hast done and then the citie will keepe thee Which the wolfe promised to do bowing downe his head euidently Then said Saint Francis sweare vnto me vpoÌ„ thine honesty and therwith put forth his hand where the wolf lifting vp his right foote laid it gently in Saint Francis his hand Who said my brother wolfe I charge thee in the name of our Lord Iesus Christ that thou follow me now presently which he did We read also of sundry Saints who tooke pleasure in talking with beasts but this brotherhood with wolues is peculiar I take it to Saint Francis 5 Further who can containe himselfe when he shall read how Saint Macarius did seuen yeares penance among thorns and bushes for killing of a flea Which verily was another manner of penance then that which Saint Francis did for eating Coquinam de â—ardone But I may not forget another pranke plaied by Saint Dominicke recorded towards the end of his legend which was the fact of a bon-companion indeed at leastwise so penned that it will make good fellowes sport and minister vnto them matter of merriment viz. that there was a holy Nun called Mary who had a sore thigh and had endured great paine of it for the space of fiue moneths and was past hope euer to haue it cured who thinking her selfe vnworthy to pray vnto God or to be heard of him besought Saint Dominick to be a mediator for her that she might be restored to her limmes again Where falling asleepe shortly after she thought she saw Saint Dominicke close by her and how he tooke from vnder his coape a strong smelling ointment wherewith he annointed her thigh And that when she asked him what it was he should answer that it was The ointment of loue Which riddle I leaue to the Reader to reade as
will say But what M. Frier is this trow we that speaketh thus boldly It is some good fellow sure I will tell you Madames maruell not if I speake boldly for I am of Anjou yours to command c. And what conscience made he of giuing offence when he mocked those who took offence at him saying O my maisters and dames of S. Martins I maruel you should be offended at a thing the least of a hundred and prattle of me euery where and say O it is a foule matter who would haue thought the ghostly father would haue got his hostesse daughter with child And is it indeed such a wonder that a Monk should get a wench with child Tel me in good earnest what would you haue said if the maid had got the Monke with child This is the summe of that news And he that desires to see these particulars exemplified may find them in the former part of the Apologie in the Chapter which intreateth of whoredomes committed by our good Catholickes 21 I was purposed here to haue ended this Chapter but that I cannot in conscience omit a short story very pertinent to this purpose concerning the grosse speeches which these gorbellied shauelings vsed in their Sermons to the end the Reader may perceiue that they are euer like themselues as being neuer cloyed with this clunch nor any thing daunted no not when they are among the dead The story is recorded by a man of good credit who hath written annotations vpoÌ„ the Abstract of the Franciscans Alcoran and is thus couched in his owne words For my part seeing it cometh here so fitly I will tell you what I saw at Paris Foure begging Friers being intreated on a time to bury a corps it was the Franciscans turne to sing Requiem Libera which they did very lustily for they were in good hope to be well rewarded for their labor the other three in the meane time talking merrily together Where as I came out of a house I saw two yong lustie Augustines who held each other by the hand and sang Brunette suis iamais ne seray blanche That is Nut-browne I am as you may see And neuer fairer shall I be CHAP. XXXVII Of the subtiltie and profoundnesse of the foresaid Preachers or professors of Diuinitie as also of the traditions of the Franciscans Dominickes c. WE haue heretofore spoken of the grosse ignorance of Priests and Monkes and exemplified it by sundry particulars to which notwithstanding much more might be added this at the least of a French-man seruant to a Scot who being examined in Latin by the Bishop who was to giue him orders and thinking that the Latine which the Bishop spake had bene Scottish answered If it please your Lordship my maister vnderstands Scottish very well but so do not I. As also this of another deepe Diuine who being asked Quot sunt septem Sacramenta answered Tres Aspergillum Thuribulum magnum Altare Howbeit some of them I must needs confesse to make amends for this geare haue bin so vengeably learned and haue found out such subtill speculations that the most pregnant wits and ripest iudgements can hardly conceiue them And first to begin with their language certaine I am that diuers of theÌ„ haue deliuered such abstruse things and so far fetched that Cicero himselfe neuer heard the like Besides they haue found out a new deuice to make a medley and mixture of Latin and French with such excellent good grace that it is not possible almost a man should be wearied in reading therof For proofe of which particulars the places quoted before out of Menot and Maillard may suffice especially for such as haue not their bookes at hand For there they may see the fine interlarding of these tongues and that not without some subtiltie But yet there is a further matter then either of these for they haue so emphatically expressed their notions in their home-spun Latin that all the classicke authors of the Latin tongue may cast their caps at them as when Oliuer Maillard saith fol. 6. col 3. Primò venit ad primam in domo sua existentem percutit ad ostium dicendo Trac trac trac ancilla venit c. Tell me now gentle Reader whether Cicero or any author of the Latine tongue had either the wit or the heart to make a Latin word of this short conceited word Trac which hath so good a grace and doth so well expresse a mans meaning 2 But this is not all for they haue bene so curious in rendring reasons of euery word they spake as that they haue ouerskipped but very few without knowing their Etymologies nay they haue found out such subtill notations as cannot sufficiently be wondered at For who would euer haue thought that there had bin such a secret hidden vnder this word Aue as we find in sundry of those preachers and diuines and namely in Barelete and in the author of the sermons intituled Dormi securè Barelete fol. 230. col 1. saith Ingressus Gabriel ad eam dixit Aue gratia plena Dominus tecum ab a quod est sine vae culpa Immunis à triplici vae de quibus Apoc. 12. Vae vae vae habitantibus in terra Asmuch also to the same effect writes the other whom I named euen now in his first sermon De conceptione beatae Maria virginis Neither was there lesse dexterity vsed in the anatomy of the word Sacerdos as it is deciphered vnto vs in a booke called Stella clericorum as followeth Quinque enim sunt dignitates SacerdotuÌ„ praecaeteris Primò dicitur sacerdos quasi sacris dotatus scililet sacris ordinibus quia ipse est in summo gradu qui est Sacerdotum Secundò Sacerdos quasi sacris deditus id est sacramentis ad sacrificanda sacramenta nam ipse sacrificat sacrosanctum corpus Domini cum verbis signis prodigijs caetera sacramenta Tertiò dicitur Sacerdos quasi dans sacra dat enim baptismum confessionem poenitentiam indulgentiam eucharistiam benedictionem extremam vnctionem Quartò dicitur sacerdos quasi sacra docens docet enim verba sancti euangelij articulos rectae fidei Quintò dicitur Sacerdos quasi sacer dux quasi ducatum praebens iter populo ad regna coelorum verbo sacrae doctrinae vitae bono exemplo vnde versus Sacris dotatus sacris deditus atque Sacra docens sacra dans dux sacer esto sacerdos And who would haue thought that a man could euer haue found such a mystery in the name Dominicus Dicitur Dominicus saith Barelet fol. 191. col 4. quasi totus Domini vel Dominicus quasi cuâ—tos Domini vel Dominicus quasi à Domino custoditus And for Franciscus what do you thinke they haue found in his belly Let vs heare what his Legend saith Franciscus dicitur ratione securitatis ex virtute operum perfectione honestatis in conuersatione Aiunt enim Franciscos
dici quaedaÌ„ signa instar securium quae Romae ante Consules ferebantur quae erant in terrorem securitatem True it is indeed there are sundry other notations giuen of his name but this is holden to be the soundest Now this subtil and curious Etymologizing is not in these names onely but in all other names of the Saints registred in the booke called The golden Legend or Legends For example Gregory is compounded of Grex that is an assembly of Goire that is preacher KATHERINE of Katha that is all and of ruina ouerthrow for the diuels fort was cleane ouerthrowne in her Katherine signifying as much as vniuersall ouerthrow he being dislodged and cast out of her Quintine comes of quinque fiue and teneo tenes to hold signifying one which holdeth fiue things If any shall reply and say that it is not to be wondered that the ancient Latinists neuer meÌ„tioned these Etymologies considering the names were not then in vse I answer that they had as good dexteritie in giuing Etymologies of ancient latin words witnesse the notation of Mulier quasi mollis aër It was also a very subtill inuention to fetch Etymologies of Greeke and Hebrew words from the Latin as we haue shewed before in presbyter diabolus and Iesus 3 But now we are to prosecute other subtill speculations concerning matters of greater moment And first what braines may we thinke had they which coyned so many quaint questions as haue bene formerly mentioned And what shall we say to their great pains in expounding the Scriptures so as that they make a nose of waxe of theâ— as hath bene shewed We haue seene also how cunning Diuines they were in diuining coÌ„iecturing at many things wherof the scripture speakes not a word Besides we haue giuen some tast of their witty comparisons and braue arguments and yet if a man would take a little paines to turne ouer the bookes out of which they gathered all this geare he might finde other manner of stuffe then this For exaÌ„ple when Menot fol. 48. col 3. maketh Christ to go through the twelue signes of the Zodiacke it is such a dainty deuice as hath not bene heard of But their wits were much more refined and sublimated in other speculations as in finding the old and new Testament in the two hornes of Bishops Myters simplicity and innocency in the Friers cowle and sundry like things as by and by we shall heare 4 And if we come to the mysticall expositions of all the tooles and trinkets as also the Apish trickes and turnings vsed in the Masse we must needs confesse that there lyeth so great a mystery or secret subtilty hidden vnder them that they doubtlesse are men of the sharpest wit and best iudgement which vnderstand least thereof For is it not cunningly done to make one Massemonger act twenty or fiue and twentie parts as of Christ of the virgine Mary his mother of all the Apostles yea and of the traytor Iudas as also of the theefe that was crucified the Centurion the Publican c But how is it possible may some say he should act so many parts and represent so many persons I answer one part is performed only with crossings for with one Crosse which he maketh ouer the consecrated host and another ouer the chalice seuerally he playeth two parts the one of Christ the other of Iudas By the three other crosses which are made before are represented the Father the holy Ghost and Christ who was deliuered to death by himself and by theÌ„ also But if this were all the mystery that lay hid in these Crosses al were nothing Marke then what followeth After these two Crosses seuerally made and that the Crosseâ— hath spread his armes abroade whereby he representeth Christ stretched vpon the Crosse and hath lifted vp the host to be worshipped which they call thâ— Eleuation by the three Crosses which he maketh one ouer the host another ouer the Chalice and a third vpon himselfe he acteth the part of three seuerall estates of men viz. of those in heauen in Purgatory and in earth As for the fiue Crosses which are made after the first three besides that two of them being seuerally made one ouer the host and the other ouer the Chalice do signifie as hath bene said all of them together betoken sundry other things As first the fiue dayes betwixt Palmesunday and Good Fryday or the fiue wounds of Christ two in his feete two in his hands and one in his right side Neither is this all For the first three of the fiue being made ouer the Chalice and host together figure the deliuery of Christ to the high Priests the Scribes Pharisies as also the price for which Christ was sold viz. thrise ten that is 30. pence Now theÌ„ consider good Reader if vnder these crossings there be so many and so profound speculations what sublimate subtilties there must needs be in all their trinckets trâ—ndals gaÌ„bols knocking of breasts and in the rest of that so trimme and pleasant stageplay apish trickes and mummery Moreouer euery of these Doctors haue had their particular reuelations for the coÌ„firmatioÌ„ of these speculations I say euery of these Alcoranists of the Masse as TitelmaÌ„ Gabriel Biel Brunus Philo with others For the Masse priest his â—lbe according to some Doctors signifieth the conuersation of Christ in the flesh according to others the purity of his body incarnate in the wombe of the Virgin according to a third sort the white garment wherewith Herod apparelled him when he sent him backe to Pilate arayed like a foole and according to a fourth sort the constancy of the most cleare light And for the fine linnen wherof the Albe is made it signifies as they say the subtiltie of the Scriptures The like may be said of the Amict for some are of opinion that it representeth the veile wherewith Christ was blindfolded when the Iewes mocking him in Caiphas house buffeted him others are of opinion that it signifieth the diuinitie of Christ hidden vnder his humanity some say that it comes in the roome of the Iewish Ephod I omit to speake of the girdle the maniple and the stole which are also diuersly interpreted The fire and burning tapers as some affirme figure Christ who is the fire which consumeth the rust of our sinnes others say that the fire signifieth the fire of charitie enuyroning Christian people and the burning taper the light of faith as also the ioy of Christs coming and incarnation The paten also according to the iudgement of some deepe diuines signifieth the diuinitie of Christ as well as the Amict but according to others it hath another signification Gloria in excelsis vttered with a lowe and soft voice signifieth as some affirme the childish puling voice of Christ lying in his cradle but according to other Doctors it hath another meaning But what greater skill can a man desire then this to tell what the Masse-priest saith when he speaketh neuer
saints as well as of men saints and of goddesses as well as of gods But the Popes creatures not content to giue but this halfe worship to their saints as well in this as in that they beare men in hand that they can skill but of one trade are come to this passe to do them the greatest dishonour in the world in assigning vnto â—â—em so vile and abiect yea so filthy and sordide occupations that it would make a man sicke at the heart to name them as when they make some shoomakers others coblers others swine-heards c. For though the Pagans ranged Pan in the ranke of the inferiour gods and of the meanest sort of those which were companions of the gods yet they would haue bene ashamed to haue made him a swine-heard And as for saints which are handicrafts men to make armor as Vulcan did is a cleanlier occupation then to make shoes True it is that the Popish Preachers at leastwise those that had any wit haue so cunningly contriued their knauery and caried the matter so in a mystery that the simple people haue not desisted to giue them as good and as great offerings as if they had bene of a higher ranke for they made this an argument of their greater praise and coÌ„mendation Witnesse the preacher who discoursing of the life of S. Crepin affirmed that this glorious saint might haue bene Pope that he might haue bene King yea king of France that he might haue bene Emperor but that he chose rather to be a shoomaker And yet my maisters and dames said he consider I beseech you what a roguish trade it is and how filthy and sordide an occupation If there were nothing else but this that they must euer be handling the shoomakers waxe and tugging at these stinking skins with their bare teeth By which you may perceiue how great the humilitie of this glorious saint was Howbeit he was no sooner come out of the pulpit but the company of the most noble shoomakers and coblers of the place layd hold of him and curried him so well that they caused him to make a pitifull construction of his sermon from beginning to end But leauing others to iudge of this fact I meane whether the striker or he that was strucke had the wrong I thinke this Preacher had reason to say thus much of S. Crepin to saue his credit But one thing he affirmed which is almost incredible and which I perswade my selfe is proper to this saint viz. that he made choise of this occupation whilest he was here vpon earth which he meant to follow when he came into heauen 14 But some may haply reply against that which I haue said concerning the Popes creatures that they giue lesse honor to their Saints then the heathen do to their gods when they affirme that euery saint hath not power ouer more then one onely disease and knowes but one onely trade And they may obiect that they make their Saints patrons and protectors of cities and countries as the heathen made their gods And that as the Babilonians for example had Bell for their Patron the Aegyptians Isis and Osiris the Rhodians the Sunne the Samians Iuno the Paphians Venus the Delphians Apollo the Athenians Minerua the Ephesians Diana So the Spaniards haue Saint Iames for their Patron the French Saint Denis they of Limosin Saint Martiall aboue the rest all the Germans in generall Saint George they of Ausburgh Saint Vlrich they of Colen the three Kings they of Milan Saint Ambrose the Venetians Saint Marke the Romanists of these times Saint Peter and Saint Paul together with their Lieutenant I omit the Saints who haue giueÌ„ their names to cities as Saint Quintin Saint Diâ—ier Saint Denis Saint Agnan Saint Paul Saint Omer which may be called in Latine as the rest aboue mentioned Tutelares sancti as they were wont to call them Tutelares Dij But what inference can hereupon be inforced Surely this that the Popes creatures putting their Saints in the roome and place of the heathen gods haue giuen sufficient testimony that they had as reuerent an opinion of their sufficiency as the heathen had of the sufficiency of their gods in commanding all sorts of maladies either by sending them or remouing them and in knowing all manner of occupations For albeit the heathen do not affirme that their gods do excercise trades yet this they hold as a most certen truth that they know them and are well seene in them But this is no good consequent for many men take workes in hand which they afterwards put ouer to others because they cannot effect or finish theÌ„ themselues as those who are called in latine redemptores who though they take in hand to build an house and to finish it yet doth it not by by follow they should be Carpenters or hewers of stones or Masons or Tylers but agreeing with sundry sorts of workemen in that which appertaines to euery mans trade and trusting to their workemanship tooke vpon them the charge of the whole And I make no question but that these great tutelary Saints protectors and patrons of cities did the like in trafficking with other petty Saints of lesse account touching the worke which was proper to their trade or office which was belonging vnto them and so hauing the furtherance of many tooke vpon them the gouernment of the whole 15 But now whereas I thought I had bene come to the end of this discourse I find that there is yet more worke behind for I am aware of a legion of our Ladies from whence the greatest part of the Clergies reuenue doth arise And verily the thing which made me forget them for I will confesse the truth was in that speaking of men and women Saints I was affraid I should haue committed an absurditie if I should haue ranged them in that ranke and afterwards the variety of matter made me forget them And if any man shall haply thinke it a greater absurditie to place them at the taile of the Saints I haue what to answer for my selfe for I can alleadge that which one holpe himselfe withall in the like case that he which goeth last in procession hath the first and most honorable place Neuerthelesse if the Popes creatures will not take this reason for good payment but will needs moue my patience they shall find peraduenture that they haue to deale with another manner of man then they take me for For I will neuer let them rest till they haue answered me categorically whether so many of our Ladies be so many virgin Maries mothers of our Sauiour Christ If they shall answer that they are they will runne into grosse absurdities If they shall answer that they are not they will fall into greater But because I am so perswaded of their curtesies that they wil easily pardon and excuse this incongruity in my last speech if it were so I wil not vexe them with such a violent question being such a one as might
taken a mouse For you must note that he watched a mouse which was come to heare Masse or to eat the Massemongers god For diuers of them haue plaid such pranks as we know but see his owne words which haue a farre better grace in their proper dialect Amen Le chancrou te rungzay compare se te n'ousse tan cria zusson prey la ratta 15 Further concerning the good agreement which is betwixt this breaden god the diuell we haue the testimony of a Priest who said For my part I confesse I vnderstand nothing of these Saints Masses but I will tickle you ouer an ordinary Masse in the diuels name And here I cannot omit a like story of one who chanting his Masse in a place where he might looke into his garden and perceiuing a boy in the top of one of his cherry trees as he was lifting vp his breaden god ouer his head cryed aloud Come downe in a wannian come downe speaking it as it is most like aswell to his god of past which he held ouer his head as to the boy in the tree And he coÌ„curres in opinioÌ„ practise with the foresaid Priest who said Come and say Masse in the diuels name for my maister is angry The same may be said of a gentleman of Lorraine who said to his sonne which had no great deuotion to heare Masse To Masse in the diuels name to Masse But here it may be demanded how it should be that seeing the diuell and the god of pasâ—e do so well agree are such great friends that Priests should so often threaten him with the diuell as a certaine Sir Iohn in Lorraine did who threatned to cast his poore god to the diuell The story is this A good fellow owing this Sir Iohn a displeasure and resoluing to beat him soundly where euer he fouÌ„d him meeting with him in the street as he was carying his breaden god Oh quoth he how I would curry thee were it not for the reuerence I beare to god in thy hands Whereupon Sir Iohn thinking himself as good a man he answered and said If that be the matter it shall not hinder vs to try the mastery and whether of vs shall beare away the blowes see here is my God on the ground for he set him downe to rest him there and to iudge of the combat the diuel take him if he deale on either side This questioÌ„ to say the truth is more then Sorbonicall for many of no greater moment haue bene debated in Councels For seeing the breaden god and the diuell are such great friends as hath bene shewed how is it possible that the god of past should stand in feare of him as it is manifest he doth at lestwise in their opinion who thus threaten him Some may also obiect a fact committed by a Priest of Sauoye about thirtie yeares ago either Curate or Vicar of a village called â—eling neare to Bonne in Foussigns to whoÌ„ his parishioners came to the end he might alay a great teÌ„pest For he had bragged that they needed not to feare either tempest thunder or lightning within the parish so long as he continued with theÌ„ who vsed first a number of coniurations which he had by 〈◊〉 and after tooke out of his Perâ—uise and Masse book the most horrible-terrible-words being al this while shrowded vnder a tree which kept off part of the tempest and holden by foure or fiue for feare of being ouerthrowne but perceiuing in the end that all was to no purpose and that he laboured in vaine he brought foorth his holy Sacrament that is his breaden god and spake thus vnto it Cour 〈◊〉 n'â—ple â—or quo le diablou 〈…〉 degâ—ian le paâ—o That is by G 〈◊〉 if thou be 〈◊〉 stronger then the diuell I will cast thee into the dirt Here is I say another story lyable to the same obiection with the former but because it would make my head ake to resolue it I will refer it to the next CouÌ„cell except they will in the meane time take this as a sufficient answer that these breaden gods and the diuel play now and then the parts of Aduocates and Atturneys who in open audience at the barre looke as though they would eate one another crying Haroll for iustice on their Clients side but as soone as they are gone from the barre shake hands and drinke together at their clients cost Wherefore it may well be that these gods and diuels abused the priests with like pollicy At leastwise this is all that I can say herein for this present 16 As for other prophanations wherewith the Massemonging priests the Popes creatures prophane that which they would haue holden for a Sacrament I will here giue some few examples leauing the Reader to iudge what reuerend opinion the poore Papists ought to haue of other points of their religion when the Masse priests so notoriously prophane this which is the very marrow of their mattins And first to beginne with a priest of Lorraine who holding a pixe or boxe full of vnconsecrated singing cakes as they terme them shuffled theÌ„ together saying Ribaudaille ribaudaille Ye little whoresons ye little whoresons which of you wil be god to day And from him I will come to a priest of Prouince who being reproued for lifting vp his breaden god with his heeles vpward and his head downward I did it quoth he for feare left his hose would haue falne of his heeles After these I will tell you of a priest of Sauoy who bragged that himselfe and his fellowes plaied with the god in the Masse as the cat plaieth with a mouse viz. that after they had sported with it their fill they deuoure it I haue heard also of other Sir Iohns who haue put or rather incorporated into their Masses other manner of stuffe for hitherto we haue onely spoken of him that said to his gossip Say Amen in the diuels name and of him who lifting vp his god ouer his head called to one whom he espied climing his Cherry tree and bade him come downe in the diuels name Yet we haue said nothing of the Chaplaine of the late Marshall of Bié who calling as his manner was for a cup of wine for his breakfast or morning draught to one that holpe him at Masse and hauing set it in an odde corner at the end of the Altar or there about couered with a cloth till such time as he had mumbled ouer his Matins so it was that one of the said Marshals lackies hauing a moneths mind to visit this pot took his oportunitie when he saw the priest in his Memento But this gentle Sir Iohn for all his Memento hauing one eye on his Portuise and another on his pot seeing it to be in that danger that it stood at the mercy of the lackey added these words to his Memento Let it alone thou bastards brat let it alone But of him who slept in his Memento and when he awooke started vp