it were with gall all the pleasures of those fabulous narrations For I understood not a word of it yet they vehemently pressed me and with most cruell threatnings and punishments to make me understand it The time was also when I was an infant that I knew not a word of Latine yet by marking I gate that without any feare or tormenting even by my nurses pratlings to me and the pretty tales of those that laught upon me and the sports of those that plaid with me 2. So much verily I learnt without any painefull burthen to mee of those that urged me for that mine owne heart put me to it to bring out mine owne conceptions Which I could never have done had I not learnd divers words not of those that taught me but of them that talkt familiarly to me in whose hearing I also brought forth whatsoever I had conceived Hereby it cleerely appeares that a free curiosity hath more force in childrens learning of languages than a frightfull enforcement can have But the unsetlednesse of that freedome this inforcement restraines Thy Lawes O God yea Thy Lawes even from the schoolemasters Ferula to the martyrs Tryalls being able to temper wholesome and bitter together calling us backe by that meanes unto thy selfe even from that infectious sweetnesse which at first allured us to fall away from Thee CHAP. 15. His Prayer to God 1. HEare my prayer O Lord let not my soule faint under thy correction nor let mee faint in confessing unto thee thine owne mercies by which thou hast drawne mee out of all mine own most wicked courses that thy selfe mightest from hence forward grow sweet unto me beyond all those allurements which heretofore I followed and that I might most intirely love thee and lay hold upon thy hand with all the powers of my heart that thou mightest finally draw mee out of all danger of temptation 2. For behold O Lord my King whatsoever good I have learned being a boy unto thy service let it be all directed yea whatsoever I speake or write or reade or number let all serve thee For when I learned vaine things thou didst discipline me and in those vanities thou forgavest the sinfulnesse of my delight in them In those studies I learnt many usefull words but those might have beene also learned in studies not so vaine which is I confesse the safest way for children to be trayned up in CHAP. 16. Against lascivious fables 1. BVt woe unto thee O thou Torrent of humane custome who shall stoppe the course of thee when wilt thou be drye how long wilt thou continue tumbling the sonnes of Eve into that hugie and hidcous Ocean which they very hardly passe who are well shipped Do I not reade in thee of Iupiter sometimes thundering and sometime adulterating but verily both these could not one person doe but this is feyned that hee might have authority to imitate true-acted Adultery false thunder the meane while playing the bawde to him Yet which of our grave Masters can with any patience heare a man that should in his Schoole cry out saying Homer feigned these and ascribed mens faults unto the gods but I had rather he had derived divine excellencies upon us But more truely is it said that Homer feyned these things indeed and that by his attributing divine excellencies to most wicked mortals crimes might not be accounted crimes so that whosoever shal commit the like seemes not therein to imitate desperate people but some heavenly Deities 2. This notwithstanding O thou hellish torrent are the sonnes of men cast into thee with rewards propounded to allure children to learne these fables and a great solemnity is made of it when t is pleaded for openly in the assembles and in the sight of the lawes which allow stipends to the Teachers over and above the reward unto the schollers yet O Torrent thou art still beating upon thy rocks roaring out and crying Here are fine words to bee learned here Eloquence is attained eloquence so necessary to perswade to businesse and with advantage to expresse sentences But for all this should wee never so patheticall have understood these words The golden showre The lappe The deceipt The temple of heaven and such others written â— the same place had not Terâ—nâ— withall brought a lewd your man upon the stage propounding Iupiter to himselfe for a example of his adultery whâ—â— he beholds a certaine picture â—â— the wall wherein was set out tâ— the life the story of Iupiter râ—yning a golden showre into Dâ—â—aes lappe deceiving the simpâ—â— mayden by that meanes Show that young man provoke himselfe to lust as if he had he a celestiall authority for it 3. But what God doe I imitate saith hee even that God who with a mighty thunder shakes the very Arches of heaven may not I then frayle flesh and blood doe as much But I for my part did as much unprovoked yea gladly too Plainly by this filthy matter are not these words so much the more commodiously learned as by these words is this filthy businesse learned to bee the more confidently committed I blame nor the words which of themselves are like vessels choyce and precious but that wine of error which is in them drunke to us by our intoxicated teachers If we refused to pledge them wee were beaten nor had wee liberty to appeale unto any sober Iudges All this notwithstanding O my God I in whose presence I now with securityremember this did willingly learne these things and unhappy I was for this accounted a youth of much towardlinesse CHAP. 17. The way of exercising youth in repeating and varying of verses 1. GIve me leave O my God to tell thee something and that of mine own wit which was thy gift and what dotages I spent it upon-My Master put a taske upon me troublesome enough to my soule and that upon termes of reward of commendations or feare of shame and whipping namely That I should declame upon those words of Iuno expressing both her anger and sorrow that shee could not keepe off the Trojane King from going into Italie which words I had heard that Iuno never uttered yet were we enforced to imitate the passages of these poeticall fictions and to varie that into Prose which the Poet had expressed in verse And hee decliamed with most applause in whose action according to the dignity of the person represented there appeared an affection neerest to anger or griefe set out with words most agreeable to the matter 2. But to what end was this O my true life my God why was my declamation more applauded than so many others of mine owne age and forme Was not all this meere smoke and winde and could no other subject be found to exercise my wit and tongue in Thy prayses O Lord thy prayses might have stayed the tender sprig of my heart upon the prop of thy Scriptures that it might not have beene cropt off by these empty vanities to bee catcht up as a
the principall of all the Sences is in holy writ called The lust of the eyes For to see belongeth vnto the eyes properly yet wee apply the word of Seeing to other sences also wheneuer wee imploy them towards knowing For wee doe not say Hearke how red it is or smell how white it is or taste how shining it is or feele how bright it is because all these are sayd to bee seene and yet wee say not onely See how it shineth which the eyes alone can perceiue but wee say also See how it soundeth See how it smelleth See how it tasteth See how hard it is The generall experience of the Sences thereof is it as was sayde before which is called The lust of the eyes for that the office of Seeing wherein the Eyes hold the prerogatiue doe the other Sences by way of similitude vsurpe vnto themselues when-so-euer they make search after any knowledge 2. But by this may the difference euidently bee discerned betwixt the pleasure and the Curiosity that bee acted by the Sences for that pleasure affecteth Obiects that bee beautifull cleare-sounding sweete-smelling sauoury-tasted soft-touching whereas Curiosity for tryals sake pryes into Obiects cleane contrary to the former not to engage it selfe in the trouble they bring but meerly out of an itch of gayning the knowledge and experience of them For what pleasure hath it to see that in a torne carcasse which would strike a horror into a man and yet if any such bee neere lying they all flocke to it euen of purpose to bee made sad and to grow pale at it being afrayd also lest they should see it in their sleepe as if some-body had forced them to goe and see it while they were awake or any report of the fine sight had perswaded them vnto it And thus is it in the other sences also all which it were too long to prosecute And out of this disease of curiosity are all those strange sights presented to vs in the Theater Hence men proceede to make discouery of those concealed powers of nature which is besides our end which does them no good to know and wherein men desire nothing but to know Hence proceeds that also if out of the same outward end of knowing the magicall Arts be made vse of to enquire by Vpon this curiosity also euen in religion it selfe is God tempted when namely certaine signes and wonders from heauen are demanded of him not desired for any sauing end but meerely for our experience 3. In this so vast a wildernes so full of snares and dangers see how many of them I haue cut off and thrust out of my heart according as thou O God of my saluation hast giuen me the grace to doe And yet for all this when is the time that I dare boldly say so many of this kind of things daily importuning this life of ours when may I boldly say that my selfe is by no such like thing prouoked to looke towards it or out of a vayne◠desire to couet it True it is that the Theaters doe not now adayes carry mee away nor doe I much now regard to know the courses of the starres nor hath my soule at any time enquired answeres at the Ghosts departed all sacrilegious compacts I vtterly detest But at thy hands O Lord my God to whom I owe all humble and single-hearted seruice by what fetches of suggestions hath that spirituall Enèmy deal with mee to desire some signe 4. But by our King I beseech thee and by that country of Ierusalem so pure and chasté that like as any consenting vnto such thoughts hath beene hitherto farre enough from mee so euer let it bee further and further But for the health of any when I entreate thee the end of my intention then is farre different from the former and thy selfe doing what thou pleasest in it giuest mee the grace and willingly euer wilt giue mee to obey it Notwithstanding in how many petty and contemptible trifles is this curiosity of ours dayly tempted and how often wee doe slip that way who is able to recount How often when people tell vaine stories doe wee at first beare with them as it were for feare of giuing offence to the weake and yet by degrees by and by wee willingly giue eare to them I become not the spectator now a dayes of a dogges coursing of a Hare in the publike game-place but if in the field I by chance ryde by such a sport may per aduenture put mee off from some seriouser thought and draw mee after it not to turne out of the roade with the body of my horse but yet with the inclination of my heart yea and didst not thou by making me see my infirmitie on the sudden giue mee a priuate Item or vpon the sight it selfe by some contemplation to rayse my selfe towards thee wholy to despise and passe it by vaynel should presently bee besotted with it 5. What shall I say whenas sitting in mine own house a Lizard catching flyes or a Spider entangling them in her nets oft-times makes mee too intentiue to them Because these are but small creatures is the curiosity in mee the lesse I proceed hereupon to laud Thee the wonderfull Creator disposer of all but that is not the occasion of my beginning to be intentiue to them One thing it is to get vp quickly and another thing not to fall at all And of such toyes is my life full and my onely hope is in thy wonderfull great mercy For when this heart of ours is made the Receipt of such things and ouer-charges it selfe with the throngs of this superabundant vanity then are our Prayers thereby often interrupted distracted and whilest in thy presence wee direct the voyce of our heart vp vnto thine eares that so important a businesse is broken off by I know not what idle thoughts rushing in vpon vs. CHAP. 36. The sinne of Pride 1. BVt did I account of this also amongst such things as are to bee contemned or shall aught bring vs backe to our hope but the whole Summe of thy mercy sith thou it is that hast begun to change vs And in what degree thou hast already amended mee thy selfe best knowest who didst first of all rcouer me from that burning desire of reuenging my selfe that so thou mightest the better bee fauourable vnto all my other iniquities and heale all my infirmities redeeme my life from corruption and crowne me with thy pitty and mercy and satisfie my desire with good things euen because thou hast curbed my pride with thy feare and tamed my necke to thy yoake Which now I beare and it is light vnto mee because so hast thou promised and so hast thou made it and verily so it was but I knew it not for that I feared to take it 2 But tell mee now O Lord thou who onely raignest without the ruffe of pride because thou onely art the true Lord who hast no Lord tell me hath
⎠* SAINT AVGVSTINES Confessions THE SECOND BOOKE CHAP. 1. Hee enters upon the yeeres and sinnes of his Youth 1. I Will now call to minde my overpassed impurities and the fleshly corruptions of my Soule not because I love them but that I may love thee O my GOD. For love of thy love I doe it in the very bitternesse of my remembrance repeating over my most wicked courses that thou mayest onely grow sweet unto me thou sweetnesse never beguiling thou happy and secure sweetnesse and recollecting my selfe out of that broken condition of mine wherein I am piece-meale shattered asunder while being turned away from thee alone I squandred away my selfe upon many vanities 2. For I even burnt in my youth heretofore to bee satiated in these lower pleasures and I dared even to grow wilde againe with these various and shaddowie loves my beauty withered away and I even stanke in thine eyes pleasing my selfe all this while and desirous to content the eyes of mortals CHAP. 2. He accuseth his Youth spent in the heat of lustfulnesse 1. ANd what was it that I delighted in but to love and to bee beloved but love kept not that moderation of one mindes loving another minde as the lightsome bounder of true friendship but out of that puddly concupiscence of my flesh certaine mists and bubblings of youth fumed up which be clouded and so overcast my heart that I could not discerne the beauty of a chaste affection from a fogge of impure lustfulnesse Both did confusedly boyle in me and ravisht away my unstayed Youth over the downefals of unchaste desires and drencht me over head and eares in the very whirle-poole of most heinous impurities Thy wrath all this while grew upon me and I perceived it not I was now growne deafe by the continuall crashing of that Chaine of my frailety thy punishment upon the pride of my soule and I straggled further from thee and thou let'st me aloue and I was tumbled up and downe and I was even spilt and powred out yea and I boyled over in my fornications and tho◠heldest thy peace yet O my Ioy how slow art thou Thou then heldest thy peace and then wandred I further and further from thee into more and more fruitlesse seed-plots of sorrowes with a proud dejectednesse and an untyred wearinesse 2. Oh for somebody that would then have sweetned my misery and have converted to good use the fading beauties of these newest vanities that would then have prefixt some bounds to their tempting sweetes that so the high-tides of my youth might have spent their force at last upon the shore of the marriage bed if so be the calmnesse those Tides might bee brought unto would not have been contented with the delight of having children as thy Law prescribes O Lord even thou who this way formest the offspring of our mortality being able also with a gentle hand to blunt the prickles of those thornes which were not suffered to grow in thy Paradise For thy omnipotency is not very farfrom us even when we be farfrom thee But when I had once most heedfully hearkned to the voyce of these clouds of witnesses of thine Notwithstanding such shall have trouble in the flesh but I spare you And againe It is good for a man not to touch a woman And Hee that is married careth for the things of this world how he may please his wife 3. Had I thereupon more attentively listned to those words and made my selfe an Eunuch for the kingdome of God I might more happily have expected thy embracements But I was too hot upon it wretch that I was pursuing still the violent course of mine owne streame having left thee utterly yea exceeded all thy prescriptions nor did I escape thy scourges For what mortall can avoyd them For thou wert with me at every turne most mildly rigorous and ever and anone besawcing all my unlawfull pastimes with most bitter discontentments all to draw me on to seeke for such pleasures as were without such discontent But where I might light upon such but thee O Lord I could not finde But thee who makest as it were some hardship in thy Commandement and smitest us that thou maist break us yea slayest us that we should not dye to thee-ward Where was I and how farre was I banished from those delights of thy house in that sixteenth yeere of the age of my flesh at what time the madnesse of raging luff in which humane shamelesnesse takes too much liberty not withstanding by thy Lawes it be forbidden exercised it's supreme dominion in mee I giving over all my force unto it my Parents tooke no care all this while by marriage to save mee from ruine but their care was to have me learne to make a powerfull Oration and to prove a most perswasive Speaker CHAP. 3. Of his travayle for his studyes sake and his Parents purpose in it 1. NOw for that yeare were my Studies intermitted whenas upon my returne from Madauris a neighbour Citie wherein I had begunne to learne the principles of Grammar and Rethoricke the expences for a further journey to Carthage were provided for me and that rather out of a brave minde my Father bare then any ability in him for hee was but a poore Freeman of Thagaste To whom tell I all this for to thee I tell it not but before thee relate it to mine own kind even to so much of mankind as may light upon these writings of mine And to what purpose doe I this even that both my selfe and whosoever reades this may bethink ourselves out of what depths we are to cry unto thee For what is neerer to thine eares than the confessing heart and the life directed by faith Who did not then highly commend my Father for that even above the ability of his meanes he had furnished out his sonne with all necessaries for the taking of a farre journy for his studies sake For many abler Cittizens did no such thing for their children But yet this Father of mine never troubled himselfe with any thought of How I might improve my selfe towards thee or how chaste I were so that I proved eloquent though I were withall left undrest by thy tillage O God which art the onely true and good Landlord of the field of my heart 2. But whilest in that sixteenth yeere of my age I left going to schoole and upon some household necessities lived idlely at home with my parents the bryers of uncleane desires grew ranke over my head and there was no hand put to roote them out Moreover when my Father seeing me in the Bath how the signes of Manhood began to bud in mee and plumed already with a stirring youthfulnesse as if in this sight he had first rejoyced in hope of having grand-children by me he gladly told it to my Mother rejoycing I say at it in his wine in which the world too oft forgets thee it 's Creator and in the basenesse
when 't is from thee then is it strength but when 't is of our selves then is it weaknes indeed Our good still lives with thee from which because wee are averse therefore are we perverse Let us now at last O Lord returne that wee doe not overturne because with thee our Good lives without any defect which Good thou art We shall not need to feare finding a place to returne unto because we fell headlong from it for howâ—ever wee have beene long absent from thence yet that house of ours shall not fall downe and that 's thy Eternity * ⎠* SAINT AVGVSTINES Confessions THE FIFTH BOOKE CHAP. 1. Hee stirres up his owne soule to praise God REceive heere the Sacrifice of my Confessions from the hand of my Tongue which thou hast formed and stirred up to confesse unto thy Name Heale thou all my bones and let them say O Lord who is like unto thee For neither does a man teach thee what is done within himselfe when he confesses to thee seeing a closed heart shuts not out thy eye nor can mans hard-heartednesse thrust backe thy hand for thou openest it when thou pleasest either out of pitty or justice to us and there is nothing can hide it selfe from thy heate But let my soule praise thee that it may love thee and let it confesse thine owne mercies to thee that it may praise thee No creature of thine is slacke or silent in thy praises nor the spirit of any man by the praises of his mouth converted to thee no nor yet any animall or corporeall creature by the mouthes of those that well consider of them that so our soule may towards thee rowze it selfe up from wearines leaning it selfe on those things which thou hast created and passing over to thy selfe who hast made them so wonderfully where refreshment and true fortitude is CHAP. 2. Gods presence can no man avoid seeing he is every where 1. LEt unquiet and naughty people now run and flee from thee as fast as they will yet thou seest them well enough and canst distinguish of shaddowes And behold all seemes gay to them meane while themselves be deformed And what wrong have they done thee by it or how have they disparaged thy government which from the highest heaven to this lowest earth is most just and perfect But whither are they fled when they fled from thy presence Or in what corner shalt not thou finde them out But runne away that they might not see thee who well sawest them that being thus blindfolded they might stumble upon thee because thou forsakest nothing that thou hast made that the unjust I say might stumble upon thee and be justly vexed by it withdrawing themselves from thy lenity and stumbling at thy justice fall foule upon thy severity Little know they in truth that thou art every where whom no place incompasses and that thou alone art ever neere even to those that set themselves furthest from thee 2. Let them therefore be turned backe and seeke thee because as they have forsaken thee their Creator thou hast not so given over thy Creature Let them bee converted that they may seeke thee and behold thou art there in their heart in the heart of those that confesse to thee and that cast themselves upon thee and that powre forth their teares in thy bosome after all their tedious wandrings Then shalt thou most gently wipe away their teares that they may weepe the more yea and delight in their weeping even for that thou Lord and not any man of flesh and blood but thou Lord who madest them canst refresh and comfort them But whereabouts was I when I sought after thee Thou wert directly before mee but I had gone backe from thee nor did I then finde my selfe much lesse thee CHAP. 3. Of Faustus the Manichee and of Astrologie 1. LEt mee lay open before my GOD that nine and twentieth yeere of mine Age. There came in those dayes unto Carthage a certaine Bishop of the Manichees Faustus by name a great snare of the Divell he was and many were intangled by him in that ginne of his smooth Language which though my selfe did much commend in him yet was I able to discerne betwixt it and the truth of those things which I then was earnest to learne nor had I an eye so much to the curious Dish of Oratory as what substance of Science their so famous Faustus set before me to feed upon Report had before-hand highly spoken him to me as that hee was a most knowing man in all honest points of Learning and exquisitely skilled in all the liberall Sciences 2. And for that I had sometimes read many bookes of the Philosophers and had fresh in memory much of theirs I presently fell to compare some points of theirs to those soule fables of the Manichees and those things verily which the Philosophers had taught who could onely prevaile so far as to make judgement of this lower world though the Lord of it they could by no meanes finde out seem'd farre more probable unto mee For great art thou O Lord and hast respect unto the humble but the proud thou beholdest afarre off Nor doest thou draw neere but to the contrite in heart nor art thou found by those that bee proud no not though they had the curious skill to number the Starres and the sand and to quarter out the houses of the heavenly Constellations and to find out the courses of the Planets For with their Vnderstanding and Wit which thou bestowedst on them doe they search out these things yea they have found out and foretold many a yeere before the Eclipses of the lights of the Sunne and Moone what day and what howre and how many Digits they should bee so nor hath their calculation faild them and just thus came all to passe as they foretold and they committed to writing the Rules found out by them which are read this day and out of them doe others foretell in what yeere and moneth of the yeere and what day of the moneth and what howre of the day and what part of it's light the Moone or Sunne is to be Eclipsed and so it shall come to passe as it is foreshewed 3. At these things men wonder and are astonished that know not this Art and they that doe know it triumph and are extolled and our of a wicked pride turning backe from thee failing thereby of thy light they foresee an Eclipse of the Sunne so long beforehand but perceive not their owne which they suffer in the present For they enquire not religiously enough from whence they are enabled with the wit to seeke all this withall and finding that 't is thou that made them they resigne not themselves up unto thee that thou mayst preserve what thou hast made and that they may kill in sacrifice unto thee what they have made themselves to be and slay their owne exalted imaginations like as the fowles of the ayre and their owne
was very hot upon in that kinde of learning in which at that time being a Rhetoricke-Reader in Carthage I instructed yong Students and I began to reade with him eyther what himselfe desired to heare or such stuffe as I judged fit for such a wit But all my endevour by which I purposed to proceed in that Sect upon knowledge of that man began utterly to faint in me not that I yet brake with them altogether but as one not finding any thing better than that course upon which I had some way or other throwne my selfe I resolved to stay where I was a while untill by some good chance something else might appeare which I should see more cause to make choice of 3. And thus that Faustus who had beene the very snare of death unto divers had now nor willing nor knowing begun to unbinde the snare in which I was fettered For thy hands O my God out of the secret of thy providence did not now forsake my soule and out of the blood of my Mothers heart through her teares night and day powred out hadst thou a Sacrifice offered for me and thou proceededst with me by strange and secret wayes This thou diddest O my God for the steps of a man shall bee directed by the Lord and hee shall dispose his way For how shall we procure salvation but from thy hand that repaires whatsoever thou hast made CHAP. 8. He takes a voyage to Rome against the will of his Mother 1. THou dealtest with me therefore that I should be perswaded to goe to Rome and to teach there rather than at Carthage And how I came to be perswaded to this I will not neglect to confesse unto thee because hereby thy most profound secrets and thy most ready mercie towards us may bee considered upon and professed I had no intent for this cause to goe towards Rome that greater gettings and higher preferments were warranted mee by my friends which perswaded me to the journey though these hopes likewise drew on my minde at that time but there was another great reason for it which was almost the onely reason that I had heard how yong men might follow their studies there more quietly and were kept under a stticter course of discipline that they might not at their pleasures and in insolent manner rush in upon that mans Schoole where their owne Master professed not no nor come within the doores of it unlesse he permitted it 2. But at Carthage on the other side reignes a most uncivill and unruly licentiousnesse amongst the Schollers They breake in audaciously and almost with Bedlam lookes disturbe all order which any Master hath propounded for the good of his Schollers Divers outrages doe they commit with a wonderfull stupidnesse deserving soundly to be punished by the Lawes were not Custome the defendresse of them this declaring them to bee more miserable as if that were lawfull to doe which by thy eternall Law shall never be so and they suppose they escape unpunished all this while whereas they bee enough punished with the blindnesse which they doe it with and that they already suffer things incomparably worse than what they doe These mens manners therefore when I was a Student I would never fashion my selfe unto though when I set up Schoole I was faine to endure them from others and for this cause was I desirous to goe to Rome where all those that knew it assured me that there were no such insolencies committed But thou O my refuge and my portion in the land of the living to force me to change my dwelling for the salvation of my soule didst pricke me forward with goads at Carthage with which I might be driven thence and mad'st proffer of certaine allurements at Rome by which I might be drawne thither even by men who were in love with a dying life now playing mad pranckes then promising vaine hopes and for the reforming of my courses diddest thou make secret use both of their perversenesse and of mine owne too For both they that disturbed my quiet were blinded with a base madnesse and those that invited mee to another course savoured meerely of the Earth And I my selfe who here detested true misery aspired there to a false felicity 3. But the cause why I went from thence and went thither thou knewest O God yet didst thou neither discover it to me nor to my Mother who heavily bewailed my journey and followed me as farre as the Sea side But I deceived her though holding me by force that either I should goe backe with her or she might goe along with me for I feined that I had a friend whom I could not leave till I saw him with a faire wind under saile Thus I made a lye to my Mother and to so good a Mother too and so got away from her But this hast thou mercifully forgiven mee preserving me from the waters of the Sea then full of execrable filthinesse landing me safe at the water of thy Grace with which so soone as I were purged those floods of my Mothers eyes should be dryed up with which for my sake she daily watred the ground under her face in prayer unto thee At last refusing to returne without me I with much adoe perswaded her to stay that night in a place hard by our Ship where there was an Oratory erected in memory of S. Cyprian That night I privily stole aboord but she tarryed behinde in weeping and prayer And what O Lord requested she at thy hands but that thou would'st not suffer me to saile away from her But thou profoundly providing and fearing the maine point of her desire didst not at that time regard her petition that thou mightest bring that to passe in mee which she had alwaies beg'd of thee 4. The wind blew faire and sweld our sailes and the shore withdrew it self from our sights The morrow after she fell into an extreme passion of sorrow and with complaints and lamentation she even fil'd thine eares which did for that time little seeme to regard them even then when through the strength of my owne desires thou didst hurry me away that thou mightest at once put an end to al her cares meane while her carnall affection towards me was justly punished by the scourge of sorrowes For she much doated on my company as Mothers use to doe yea much more fondly than many Mothers for little knew she how great a Ioy thou wert about to worke for her out of my absence She knew nothing of it therfore did she weepe and lament proving herselfe by those tortures to bee guilty of what Eve left behind her with sorrow seeking what shee had brought forth in sorrow But having at last made an end of accusing me of false and hard dealing with her shee betooke her selfe againe to intreat thy favour for me returned home and I went on towards Rome CHAP. 9. Of a shrewd fever that hee fell into 1. BVt loe there
was I welcomed with the rod of bodily sicknesse and I was even ready to goe to hell carrying with me all those sinnes which I had committed both against thee and my selfe yea many and grievous offences against others over and above that bond of originall sinne whereby wee all dye in Adam For thou hadst not yet forgiven mee any thing in Christ nor had he yet slaine that enmity by his Crosse which by my sins I had incurred and how indeed could he by an imaginary suffering upon it which was my beleefe of it How false therefore the death of his Flesh seemed unto mee so true was the death of my soule and how true the death of his body was so false was the life of my soule which did not beleeve the death of his body My feaâ—es now growing more violent upon me I was at the point of going and perishing for whither should I have gone had I dyed at that time but into fire and torments such as my misdeeds were worthy of in the truth of thy decree Of all this nothing knew my mother yet continued she to pray for me though in absence But thou who art present every where heardest her where she was and hadst compassion upon me whereas I was for I recovered health of body thereupon though sorely crazed as yet in my sacrilegious heart For I had not in all that danger desired thy baptisme I was better affected being but a youth when through my mothers devotion in my sicknesse I had bin very earnest to receive it as I have before recited and confessed 2. But I had from thenceforth growne worse and worse to my owne shame and now starke madde I scoffed at those prescripts of that Physike of thine by which thou wouldst not suffer me to dye two deaths at once with which wound should my mothers heart have beene goared it could never have been cured For I want words to expresse the affection shee bare towards me and with how much vehementeranguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit than she had been at her child-bearing in the flesh I cannot possible see therefore how she should have beene cured had so unchristian a death of mine once strucken through the bowels of her love And what should then have become of those passionate prayers of hers so frequently and incessantly in all places made unto thee But wouldst thou O God of mercies have despised that contrite and humbled heart of that chast and sober widdow so frequent in Almesdeeds so obsequious and serviceable to thy Saints who passed no day without her oblation at thine Altar never missing twice a day morning and evening to come to Church not to listen after idle tales and old wives chat but that shee might heare thee speaking to her in thy Sermons and thou her in her prayers 3. Couldst thou despise and reject without thy succour those teares of hers with which shee beg'd no gold or silver of thee nor any mutable or fading good but the salvation of her sonnes soule onely couldst thou doe it by whose grace she was inspired to doe thus By no meanes Lord. Yea thou wert still at hand and thou heardest her and thou didst all in the selfe-same order thou hadst predestinated it should be done in Let it never bee thought thou shouldst deceive her in those Visions and Answers shee had of thee both those which I have already remembred and those which I have not remembred all which shee laid up in her faithfull heart which in her prayers ever and anon shee would presse thee withall as with thine owne handwriting For thou because they mercy endureth for ever vouchsafest unto those whose debts thou forgivest thoroughly even to become a kinde of debter by thy promises CHAP. 10. His errours before his receiving of the Doctrine of the Gospell 1. THou recoveredst me therfore of that sicknesse and healedst the sonne of thy handmayd at that time in his body that thou mightest bestow upon him a health farre better and more certaine I consorted my selfe in Rome at that time with those deceiving and deceived Holy ones not onely with their Disciples of which mine Host was one in whose house I fell sicke and recovered but also with those whom they called The Elect. For I was hitherto of the opinion That it was not wee our selves that sinned but I know not what other nature in us and it much delighted my proud conceipt to bee set beyond the power of sinne and when I had committed any sinne not to confesse I had done any that thou mightest heale my soule when I had sinned against thee but I loved to excuse it and to accuse I know not what other corruption that I bare about me and that it was not I that did it But verily it was I my selfe altogether and mine owne impiety had made the division in me and that sinne of mine was the more incurable for that I did not judge my selfe to be a sinner and most execrable iniquity it was that I had rather have thee O GOD Almighty even thee I say to bee overcome by me to mine owne destruction than my selfe to bee overcome of thee to mine owne salvation 2. Thou hadst not yet therefore set a watch before my mouth and kept the doore of my lipps that my heart might not incline to wicked speeches to the excusing of these excuses of my sinnes with the men that worke iniquity and even therefore continued I still combined with their Elect ones But yet now as it were dispayring much to profit my selfe in that false doctrine even those opinions of theirs with which if I could chance upon no better I was resolv'd to rest contented I began now to be something more remisse and carelesse in the holding For there rose a conceipt in me That those Philosophers which they call Academikes should bee wiser than the rest even for that they hold men ought to make a doubt upon every thing and for that they determined how that no truth can bee comprehended by man for thus to me they seemed clearly to have thought as it is commonly received even by such as understand not the utmost of their meaning by it 3. And as free and open I was to disswade that Host of mine from that too much confidence which I perceived him to settle upon those fabulous opinions which the Manichees bookes are full of And yet I made more familiar use of their friendship than I did of other mens that were not of this heresie Yet did I not maintaine it with my ancient obstinacy but yet did my familiarity with that Sect of whom Rome shelters too many make me slower to seeke out any other way especially seeing I now despayred O LORD of heaven and earth Creator of all visible and invisible things to finde the truth in thy Church which they had quite put mee out of conceipt with And it then seem'd a
I him every Sunday preaching the Word of Truth rightly to the People by which that apprehension of mine was more and more confirmed in me that all those knots of crafty calumnies which those our deceivers had knit in prejudice of the Holy Bookes might well enough bee untyed 4. But so soone as I understood withall That Man created by thee after thine owne Image was not so understood by thy spirituall sonnes whom of our Catholike Mother thou hast begotten by thy Grace as if they once beleeved or imagined thee to be made up into an humane shape although I had not the least suspicion nor so much as a confused notion in what strange manner a spirituall substance should be yet blushing did I rejoyce that I had not so many yeeres barkt against the Catholike faith but against the fictions of carnall imaginations But herein had I beene rash and anpious that what I ought to have learned by enquirie I had spoken of as condemning For thou O the most high and the most neere the most secret and yet most present with us hast not such limbes of which some be bigger and some smalâ—â—â— but art wholly every where circumscribed in no certaine place nor art thou like these corporeall shapes yet hast thou made man after thine owne Image and behold from head to foot is he contained in some certaine biding CHAP. 4. Of the Letter and the Spirit 1. BEing thus ignorant therfore in what manner this Image of thine should subsist I something earnestly propounded the doubt how that was to be 〈◊〉 but did not triumphingâ—y oppose against it as if it peremptorily should according to the Letter bee beleeved The anxiety therefore of resolving what certaintie I was to hold did so much the more sharply even gnaw my very bowels by how much the more ashamed I was that having bin so long deceived by the promise of certaineties I had with a childish errour and stubbornnes prated up and downe of so many uncertainties and that as confidently as if they had beene certainties For that they were meere falshoods it cleerely appeared to me afterwards yea even already was I certaine that they were at least uncertaine and that I had all this while beleeved them for certaine when as namely out of a blinde and contentious humour I accused thy Catholike Church which though I had not yet found to 〈◊〉 trâ—â—â— yet found it not â—o teach what I heartily 〈◊〉 it for teaching In this manner was I first confounded and then converted and I much rejoyced O my God that thy onely Church the body of thine onely Sonne wherein the name of Christ had beene put upon me being yet an Infant did not relish these childish toyes nor maintained any such Tenet in her sound Doctrine as to crowd up the Creator of this All under the shape of humane members into any proportions of a place which though never so great and so large should yet be terminated and surrounded 2. And for this I rejoyced also for that the Old Scriptures of the Law the Prophets were laid before me now to be perused not with that eye to which they seemed most absurd before when as I misliked thy holy ones for thinking so so whereas indeed they thought not so and for that with joyfull heart I heard Ambrose in his Sermons to the people most diligently oftentimes recommend this Text for a Rule unto them The letter killeth but the Spirit giveth life and for that those things which taken according to the letter seemed to teach perverse doctrines he spiritually laid open unto us having taken off the veyle of the mystery teaching nothing in it that offended mee though such things he taught as I knew not as yet whether they were true or no. For I all this while kept my heart firme from assenting to any thing fearing to fall headlong but by this hanging in suspence I was the worse killed for my whole desire was to be made so well assured of those things which I saw not as I was certaine that seven and three make tenne 3. For I was not so mad yet as not to thinke that this last proposition might not by demonstration bee comprehended wherefore I desired to have other things as cleerely demonstrated as this whether namely those things should bee corporeall which were not present before my senses or spirituall whereof I knew not yet how to conceive but after a corporeall manner But by beleeving might I have beene cured that so the eye-sight of my soule being cleered might some way or other have beene directed toward thy truth which is the same eternally and in no point fayling But as it happens usually to him that having had experience of a bad Physician is fearefull afterwards to trust himselfe with a good so was it with the state of my soule which could no waies be healed but by beleeving and left it should beleeve falshoods it refused to be cured resisting in the meane time thy hands who hast prepared for us the Medicines of faith and hast applyed them to the diseases of the whole world and given unto them so great Authority CHAP. 5. Of the Authority and necessary vse of the holy Bible 1. FRom henceforth therfore I beganne first of all to esteeme better of the Catheâ—â—â— Doctrine and also to thinke that â—e did with more modesty and without any deceit command many things to be beleeved notwithstanding it were not there demonstrated 〈◊〉 what it should be or to what purpose it should serve nor yet what it should not bee than in the Manichees doctrine upon a rash promise of great knowledge expose my easinesse of beliefe first of all unto derision and suffer afterwards so many most fabulous and absurd things to be therefore imposed upon me to beleeve because they could not be demonstrated Next of all thou Lord by little and little with a gentle and most mercifull hand working and rectifying my heart even while I tooke into my consideration how innumerable things I otherwise beleeved which I had never scene nor was present at while they were in doing like as those many reports in the History of severall Nations those many relations of places and of Cities which I had never seene so many reports likewise of friends so many of Physicians so many of these and these men which unlesse wee should beleeve we should doe nothing at all in this life Last of all I considered with how unalterable an assurance I beleeved of what parents I was descended which I could not otherwise come to know had I not beleeved it upon heare-say perswadedst mee at last that not they who beleeved thy Bible which with so great authority thou hast setled almost among all Nations but those who beleeved it not were to bee blamed nor were those men to bee listned unto who would say perchance How knowest thou those Scriptures to have beene imparted unto mankinde by the spirit
chastity unlesse thou give it And that thou verily wouldest give it if with cordiall gronings I did knocke at thine eares and with a settled faith did cast my cares upon thee CHAP. 12. A Contention betwixt Alipius and Augustine about Marriage and single life ALipius indeede was the man that kept mee from marrying of a Wife alledging That by no meanes could wee enjoy so much undistracted leasure as to live together in the love of Wisedome as wee long since had desired should I take that course For he himselfe was so chaste that way that it was a wonder to see for he had made tryall of that Act in the beginning of his youth but having not ingaged himselfe by it hee was sorry for it rather and despised it living from that time untill this present most continently For my part I opposed him with the examples of such men as in the state of Matrimonie had professed wisedome and were acceptable unto God and conversed faithfully and lovingly with their acquaintances of the greatnesse of whose spirit I was far enough short Thus I delighted with the disease of the flesh and with the deadly sweetnesse of it drew my shackles along with me much afraid to have them knockt off and as if my wound had been too hard rub'd by it I put backe his good perswasions as it were the hand of one that would unchaine me 2. Moreover even by mee did the Serpent speake unto Alipius preparing and laying by my tongue most pleasurable snares in his way in which his honest and yet free feet might be intangled For when as hee much admired at me whom he slightly esteemed not of for sticking so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure as resolutely to affirme so oft as wee had speech about it that I could by no meanes lead a single life and that I used this for an argument when I saw him so much wonder at the matter That there was a great deale of difference betwixt the pleasure which hee had tryed by stealth and snatches which he scarce now remembred and might easily therefore despise and the delights of my daily lying at it unto which might but the honest name of Marriage be added he would not wonder then why I had not the power to contemne that course of living even he beganne to desire to be married not as if overcome with the lust of so poore a pleasure as all out of a curiosity for hee desired as hee said to know what manner of content that should be without which my life which was to him so great contentment seemed not a life so much as a punishment unto me 3. For his mind that was free as yet from that clogge stood amazed at my thraldome and out of that amazement hee proceeded to an itch of trying likely enough to have come to the experience of it and from the bare experience to fall perchance into that bondage hee in me so much admired at seeing he was so willing to enter into a Covenant with death for He that loves danger shall fall into it For the conjugall honour if any there be in the office of well ordering the duties of a married life and of having of children moved us but little But that which for the most part did most violently afflict me already made a slave to it was the custome of satisfying an insatiable lust but him that was hereafter to be inslaved did an admiration skrew up to it In this case we continued untill thou O most high not forsaking our lowlinesse having compassion of us that stood in neede of it didst at length fetch us off by admirable and secret devices CHAP. 13. Augustine layes out for a Wife 1. AND much adoe there was to get mee a Wife Now went I a wooing and then was the Wench promised mee my Mother taking most paines to beat the bargaine her purpose in it being that when I were married once the wholsome water of Baptisme might cleanse me towards which she much rejoyced to see mee daily fitting my selfe observing that all her owne desires and thy promises were to be fulfilled in my imbracing of the Faith At which time verily both by mine owne intreaties and her desires and that with strong cryes of our hearts did we daily begge of thee that thou wouldest vouchsafe by some vision to discover something unto her concerning my future marriage but thou wouldest never doe it 2. Yet saw shee indeed certaine vaine and phantasticall overtures such as the earnestnesse of her spirit so busied about this matter drew together These she told me of not yet with that confidence she was wont when thy selfe afforded any visions unto her but slighting them as it were For she could as she said through I know not what relish she had which in words she could not expresse easily enough discern how much difference there was betwixt thy Revelations and the dreames of her owne spirit Yet went wee forward earnestly and the parents good-will was asked but the Maid wanted two yeeres of being marriageable Yet for that I had a good liking to her I was content to stay so long for her CHAP. 14. A new Plot laid and broken 1. AND wee were many friends of us which debated of the matter who conferring about the detesting these turbulent molestations of a worldly life had now resolved that sequestring our selves from company to live retiredly and to lay this ground for our retirememt that what stocke every man was able to make wee should put together and make one houshold of al that through the plaine-dealing of a common friendship one thing should not be this mans and another thing that mans but what stocke should be made up out of every mans particular should in the whole belong unto the interest of every single person and all together unto all in generall It seemed to us that there might neere be some ten persons in this kinde of Academy some of which were very rich men and Romanianus especially our Townes-man from his Childehood a very familiar friend of mine whom the hot pursuit of his businesse had brought up to Court who was most earnest of all the rest for this project and therin was his voice of great authority and that because his estate was much fairer than any of the rest 2. And we had set it downe that two Officers should bee yeerely chosen for the making of necessary provisions whilest the rest were quiet But so soone as we beganne to consider better of it whether our Wives which some of us already had and others resolved to have shortly would endure all this or no all that so well laid plot fell to peeces in our hands was utterly dasht and cast aside Thence return'd we again to our old sighings and gronings and wandrings and to our former following those broad and beaten wayes of the world for that many thoughts were in our heart but thy counsaile standeth for ever
bee some corruptible substance which unlesse it were some way or other good it could not be corrupted I perceived therefore and it was made plaine unto me that all things are good which thou hast made nor is there any substance at all which thou hast not made And for that all which thou hast made are not equall therefore are they all good in generall because all good in particular and all together very good because thou our God hast made all things very good CHAP. 13. All created things praise God 1. ANd to thee is there nothing at all evill yea not onely in respect of thee but also not in respect of thy Creatures in generall because there is not any thing which is without thee which hath power to breake in or discompose that Order which thou hast settled But in some particulars of thy Creatures for that some things there bee which so well agree not with some other things they are conceived to be evill whereas those very things sute well enough with some other things and are good yea and in themselves good And all these things which doe not mutually agree one with another doe yet sute well enough with this inferiour part which we cal Earth which hath such a cloudy and windie Region of Ayre hanging over it as is in nature agreeable to it 2. God forbid now that I should ever say that there were no other things extant besides these for should I see nothing but these verily I should went the better And yet even onely for these ought I praise thee 〈◊〉 that thou art to be praised 〈◊〉 things of the 〈◊〉 doe 〈◊〉 Dragons and all 〈…〉 Haile Snow â—ee and 〈◊〉 Wind which fulful thy 〈◊〉 Mountaines and all 〈◊〉 fruitfull Trees and all Cedars Beasts and all Cattell creeping things and flying Fowles Kings of the Earth and all people Princes and all Iudges of the Land Yong men and Maidens Old men and Children let them praise thy Name Seeing also these in heaven praise thee let them praise thee O our God in the heights Let all thy Angels praise thee and all thy Hosts Sunne and Moone all the Starres and Light the Heaven of Heavens and the Waters that be above the Heavens let them praise thy Name I did not now desire better because I had now thought upon them all and that those superior things were better than these inferior things but yet all together better than those superiour by themselves I resolved upon in my bettered judgement CHAP. 14. To a sober minde none of Gods Creatures are displeasing 1. THey are not well in their wits to whom any thing which thou hast created is displeasing no more than I my selfe was when as many things which thou hadst made did not like me And because my soule durst not take distaste at my God it would not suffer that ought should bee accounted thine which displeased it Hence fell it upon the opinion of two substances and no rest did it take but talkt idlie And turning from thence it fancied a God to it selfe which tooke up infinite measures of all places and him did it thinke to be thee and him it placed in its heart so that it became once againe the Temple of its own Idoll which was to thee so abominable But after thou hadst refreshed my head I not knowing of it and hadst shut up mine eyes that they should no more behold vanity I began to bee quieted a little within my selfe and my mad Fit was got asleepe out of which I awaked in thee and then discerned thee to be infinite another manner of way But this sight was not derived from any power of my flesh CHAP. 15. How there is truth and falshood in the Creatures 1. ANd I looked after this upon other things and I saw how they owed their being to thee and that all finite things are in thee but in a different manner not as in their proper place but because thou containest all things in thine hand of truth All things are true so farre forth as they have a being nor is there any falshood unlesse when a thing is thought to bee which is not And I marked how that all things did agree respectively not to their places onely but to their seasons also And that thou who onely art eternall didst not beginne to worke after innumerable spaces of times spent for that all spaces of times both those which are passed already and those which are to passe hereafter should neither goe nor come but by thee who art still working and still remaining CHAP. 16. All things are good though to some things not fit 1. ANd I both found and tryed it to bee no wonder that the same bread is lothsome to a distempered palate which is pleasant to a sound one and that to sore eyes that light is offensive which to the cleere is delightfull and that thy Iustice gives disgust unto the wicked yet not so much but the Viper and smallest vermine which thou hast created good but are fit enough to these inferiour portions of thy Creatures to which these very wicked are also fit and that so much the more fit by how much they be unlike thee but so much liker the superiour Creatures by how neerer resembling thee And I enquired what this same Iniquity should be But I found it not to bee a substance but a swarving meerely of the will crookt quite away from thee O God who art the supreme substance towards these lower things which casts abroad its inward corruption and swels outwardly CHAP. 17. What things hinder us of Gods knowledge 1. AND I wondred not a little that I was now come to love thee and no Phantasme instead of thee nor did I delay to enjoy my God but was ravisht to thee by thine owne beauty and yet by and by I violently fell off againe even by mine owne weight rushing with sorrow enough upon these inferiour things This weight I spake of was my old fleshly customes Yet had I still a remembrance of thee nor did I any way doubt that thou wert he to whom I ought to cleave but yet I was not the partie fit to cleave unto thee for that the body which is corrupted presseth downe the soule and the earthly tabernable weigheth downe the minde that museth upon many things And most certaine I was that thy invisible workes from the creation of the world are cleerely seene being understood by the things that are made even thy eternall power and Godhead 2. For studying now by what reasons to make good the beauty of corporeall things eyther celestiall or terrestriall and what proofe I had at hand solidly to passe sentence upon these mutable things in pronouncing This ought to be thus and this must be so plodding I say on this upon what ground namely I ought to judge seeing I did thus judge I had by this time found the unchangeable and true eternity of truth residing upon this
who seemed to me a faithfull servant of thine and that thy grace shined in him of whom I had further heard that from his very youth he had lived most devoutly towards thee Hee was now growne into yeeres and by reason of so great an age spent in so good a purpose as following of thy waies he seemed to mee to have gained experience of many things and to have beene taught many things and verily so hee had Out of which skill of his I desired him affoord mee some directions making him acquainted with my heats which should be the readiest way for a man in my case to walke in thy pathes For the Church I saw to full and one went this way and another that way But very unpleasent to mee it was that I led the life of a worâ—â—ling yea a very grievous but them it was those desires after the hopes of honour and profit inflaming me now no longer as they were wont to doe to undergoe so heavy a bondage For in respect of thy sweetnesse and the beauty of thy house which I loved those thoughts delighted me no longer But very strongly yet was I enthralled with the love of women nor had thine Apostle forbidden me to marry although he advised me to the better earnestly wishing that all men were as himselfe then was 3. But I being weake made choice of the softer place and because of this alone was languishing I tumbled up and downe in the rest yea I pined away with withering cares because in other matters which I was unwilling to undergoe I was constrained to accomodate my selfe to a married life unto which I voluntarily stood inthralled I had understood from the mouth of Truth it selfe That there were some Eunuchs which have made themselves Eunuchs for the Kingdome of Heavens sake but let him receive this saying that is able All those men verily are vaine in whom the knowledge of God is not and who could not out of these things which seeme good find out him that is good indeed But I continued no longer in that vanity I was now gotten beyond it and by the testimony of all thy Creatures had I found thee our Creator and thy WORD GOD together with thee and the Holy Ghost one God also with thee by whom thou createdst all things 4. There is yet another kinde of wicked men who knowing God did not glorifie him as God neither were thankefull upon these also was I falne but thy right hand sustained me and delivering me out of their company placedst mee where I might grow better For thou hast said unto man Behold the feare of the Lord is wisedome and be not desirous to seeme wise in thine owne eyes because they who affirmed themselves to bee wise became fooles But I had now found that Pearle of price which I ought to have bought though I sold all that I had But I was yet in a quandarie what to doe CHAP. 2. How Victorinus the famous Orator was converted 1. VNto Simplicianus therfore I went the Father at that time of Bishop Ambrose in his receiving of thy grace whom verily hee loved as his owne Father To him I discovered the winding courses of my errour But when I told him that I had read over certain Bookes of the Platonists which Victorinus sometimes Rhetoricke professor of Rome who dyed a Christian as I had heard had translated into Latine hee much rejoyced over me for that I had not falne upon any other Philosophers Writings which use to bee full of fallacies and vaine deceits after the rudiments of this world whereas in the Platonists GOD and his WORD was many wayes insinuated And the better to exhort me to Christs humility hidden from the wise and revealed to little ones he fell upon the mention of Victorinus whom whilest he was at Rome hee had familiarly knowne and of him hee told this Story which I will not here conceale seeing it affoords matter of much praise of thy grace which ought to bee confessed unto thee 2. Hee told mee how this most learned old man most skilfull in all the liberall Sciences one who had read and censured and explained so many of the Philosophers one that had been Master to so many noble Senators who also as an Ensigne of his so famous mastership had which worldlings esteeme such an honour both deserved and obtained a Statuae in the Roman Forum hee remaining even till his old age a worshipper of Idols and a copartner of such sacrilegious solemnities with which almost all the Nobility and people of Rome were inspired and of that monstrous rabble of the gally-maufry of Gods and of Anubis the barker which had sometimes maintained the Bucklers against Neptune Uenus and Minerva whom Rome having once conquered now worshipped all which this old Victorious with his thundering Eloquence had so many yeeres beene the Champion of but now blushed not to become the childe of thy Christ and an Infant at thy Font submitting his necke to the yoke of humility and subduing his forehead to the ignominy of the Crosse 3. O Lord O Lord which hast bowed the Heavens and come downe touched the mountaines and they did smoke by what means didst thou conveigh thy selfe into that mans breast He read as Simplicianus said the holy Scripture most studiously sought after and searcht into all the Writings of the Christians and said unto Simplicianus not openly but after a private and familiar manner You shall now understand that I am a Christian Simplicianus answered him I will never beleeve it nor will I ranke you among the Christians unlesse I see you in the Church of Christ Whereunto he smiling upon him replyed Is it the wals that makes Christians And this he often reiterated that he was now a Christian and Simplicianus making the same answer the conceipt of the wals was as often returned For he feared to offend his friends which were proud Divell-worshippers from the heighth of whose Babylonian dignity as from the top of the Cedars of Libanus which the Lord had not yet brought downe he supposed a storme of ill-will would showre upon him 4. But when once by reading and earnessnesse he had gathered strength and that he feared to be denyed by Christ before his Angels should he now be afraid to confesse him before men and that he appeared guilty to himselfe of a mighty crime in being ashamed of the Sacraments of the humility of thy Word whereas he had not beene ashamed of the sacrilegious sacrifices of those proud divels of whose pride himselfe had beene an imitater he put on a confident face against vanity and was ashamed not to confesse the truth yea all on the sudden when Simplicianus thought nothing of it he sayes unto him as himselfe told me Come let us goe to the Church I resolve to be made a Christian But he not able to contain him selfe for joy went along with him where so soone
answer thou me And say unto my soule I am thy salvation Who am I and what manner of man What evill have not I been either my deeds evill or if not them yet have my words been evill or if not them yet was my Will evill But thou O LORD art good and mercifull and thy right hand had respect unto the profoundnesse of my death and drew forth of the bottome of my heart that bottomelesse gulfe of corruption which was to nill all that thou willedst and to will all that thou nilledst 2. But where was that right hand so long a time and out of what bottome and deepe secret corner was my Free-will called forth in a moment whereby I submitted my necke to thy easie yoke and my shoulders unto thy light burthen O Iesus Christ my helper and my Redeemer How pleasant was it all on the sudden made unto me to want the sweets of those Toyes Yea what I before feared to lose was now a joy unto me to forgoe For thou didst cast them away from me even thou that true chiefest sweetnesse Thou threwest them out and instead of them camest in thy selfe sweeter than all pleasure though not to flesh and blood brighter than all light yea more privy than all secrets higher than all honour though not to the high in their owne conceipts Now became my soule free from those biting cares of aspiring and getting and weltring in filth and scratching off that itch of lust And I talked more familiarly now with thee my honour and my riches and my health my Lord God CHAP. 2. Hee gives over his teaching of Rhetoricke 1. ANd I resolved in thy sight though not tumultuously to snatch away yet fairely to with-draw the service of my tongue from those marts of lip-labour that young students no students in thy Law nor in thy peace but in lying dotages and law-skirmishes should no longer buy at my mouth the engines for their own madnesse And very seasonably fell it out that it was but a few daies unto the Vacation of the Vintage till when I resolved to endure them that I might then take my leave the more solemnely when being bought off by thee I purposed to returne no more to be their mercenary Our purpose therefore was knowne onely unto thee but to men other than our owne friends was it not known For we had agreed among our selves not to disclose it abroad to any body although us now ascending from the valley of teares and singing that song of degrees hadst thou armed with sharp arrows hot burning coles to destroy such subtle tongues as would crosse us in our purpose by seeming to advise us and make an end of us pretending to love us as men doe with their meat Thou hadst shot thorough our hearts with thy charity and wee carried thy words as it were sticking in our bowels and the examples of thy servants whom of blacke thou hadst made bright and of dead alive Which charity and examples being piled together in the bosome of our thoughts did burne and utterly consume that lumpish slothfulnesse of ours that wee might no more be plung'd into the deepes by it Yea they set us on fire so vehemently as that all the blasts of the subtle tongues of gain-saying might inflame us the more fiercely but never extinguish us 2. Neverthelesse because of thy Name which thou hast sanctified throughout the earth and that our desire and purpose might likewise finde commenders it would I feared looke something too like oftentation for me not to expect the time of vacation now so neere but before-hand to give over my publike Profession which every man had an eye upon and that the mouths of all the beholders being turned upon my fact whereby I should desire to goe off before the time of Vintage so neere approaching would give it out that I did it purposely affecting to appeare some great man And to what end would it have served me to have people censure and dispute upon my purpose and to have our good to be evill spoken of Furthermore for that in the Summer time my lungs began to decay with my over-much paines-taking in my Schoole and to breath with difficulty and by the paine in my breast to signifie themselves to be spending and to refuse too lowd or too long speaking I had been much troubled heretofore at the matter for that namely I was constrained even upon necessity to lay downe that burthen of Teaching of if in case I could possibly be cured and grow sound againe at least for a while to forbeare it But so soone as this full resolution to give my selfe leasure and to see how that thou art the Lord first arose and was afterwards setled in me God thou knowest how I began to rejoyce that I had this and that no unfained excuse which might something take off the offence taken by such parties who for their childrens good would by their good wills that I should never have given over schooling 3. Full therefore of such like joy I held out till that Interim of time were runne I know not well whether there might bee some twenty dayes of it yet I couragiously under-went them But for that covetousnesse which was wont to beare part of the weight of my businesse had now quite left mee I should have utterly been oppressed had not patience stept up in its roome Some of thy servants my brethren may say perchance that I sinned in this for that being with full consent of heart enrold thy souldier I suffered my selfe to sit one houre in the chaire of lying And for my part I cannot defend my selfe But hast not thou O most mercifull Lord both pardoned and remitted this amongst other most horrible and deadly sinnes in the holy water of Baptisme CHAP. 3. Verecundus lends them his Countrey-house 1. VErecundus became leane againe with vexing at himselfe upon this good hap of ours for that being detained by some engagements by which he was most strongly obliged hee saw himselfe likely to lose our company as being not yet a Christian though his wife were indeed baptized And by her as being a clogge that hung closer to him than all the rest was hee chiefly kept from that journey which wee now intended And a Christian he would not as hee said be any other wayes made than by that way which he as yet could not However most courteously in truth did he proffer us that we might freely make use of his Countrey house so long as we meant to stay there Thou O Lord shalt reward him for it in the resurrection of the Iust seeing thou hast already rendered to him the lot of mortality For although it was in our absence as being then at Rome that he was taken with a bodily sicknesse yet departed he this life being both made a Christian and baptized also Thus hadst thou mercy not upon him onely but upon us also lest
obseruance perseuered so long in patience and meekenes that shee of her owne accord discouered vnto her sonne the tales that the maid-seruants had carried be tweene them whereby the peace of the house had been disturbed betwixt her and her daughter-in-law requiring him to giue them correction for it When he therefore both out of obedience to his mother and out of a Core to the well-ordering of his family and to prouide withall for the concord of his people had with stripes corrected the seruants thus bewrayed according to the pleasure of her that had reueal'd it her selfe also added this promise that cuery one should looke for the like reward at her hands whosoeuer to picke a thank by it should speake any ill of her daughter-in-law which none being so hardy afterwards as to doe they liued euer after with a most memorable sweetnesse of mutuall courtesies This great gift thou bestowedst also O God my mercie vpon that good hand maid of thine out of whose wombe thou broughtest mee namely that she euer did where shee wasable carry herselfe so peace fully betweene any parties that were at difference and discorded as that after shee had on both sides heard many a bitter word such as swelling and indigested choler vses to breake forth into whenas vnto a present friend the ill-brookt heart-burning at an enemy is with many a byting tittle-tattle breathed vp againe shee neuer for all that would discouer more of the one party vnto the other then what might further their reconcilement 4. This vertue might seeme a small one vnto mee if to my griefe I had not had experience of innumerable companies I know not by what horrible infection or sinne spreading farre and neere who vsed not onely to discouer the speeches of enemies angred on both sides to one another but to adde withall some things that were neuer spoken whereas on the contrary it ought to bee esteemed a meane vertue in a man to forbeare meerely to procure or increase ill will amongst people by ill speaking vnlesse hee studie withall how to quench it by making the best of euery thing And such a one was shee thy selfe being her most intimate Master teaching her in the schoole of her brest Finally her owne husband now towards the latter end of his life did shee gaine vnto Thee hauing now no more cause to complayne of those things in him when hee was once baptized which she had formerly borne withall before hee was conuerted 5. Yea shee was also the seruant of thy seruants and whosoeuer of them knew her did both commend much in her and honored and loued Thee for that they might well perceiue thy selfe to bee within the heart of her holy conuersation the fruites of it being witnesses For shee had beene The wife of one man shee had repayed the duty shee ought vnto her parents shee had gouerned her house very religiously for good workes she had a good report shee had brought vp her childen so often trauailing in birth of them againe as shee saw them swaruing from thee Lastly of all of vs thy seruants O Lord whom for this fauour receiued thou sufferest thus to speake vs who before her sleeping in thee liued in society together hauing first receiued the grace of thy baptisme did shee so take the care of as if she had beene the mother to vs all being withall so seruiceable as if she had beene the daughter to vs all CHAP. 10. Of a confernce had with his mother about the Kingdome of Heauen 1. THe day now approaching that shee was to depart this life which day thou well knewest though we were not aware of it fell out thy selfe as I beleeue by thine owne secret wayes so casting it that shee and I should stand all alone together leaning in a certaine window which lookt into the garden of the house where wee now lay at Ostia where being sequestred from company after the weary somenesse of a long iourney wee were prouiding our selues for a sea-voyage into our owne country There conferred wee hand to hand very sweetely and forgetting those things which are behinds wee reached forth vnto those things which are before wee did betwixt our selues seeke at that Present Truth which thou art in what manner the eternall life of the Saints was to bee which eye hath not seene nor eare heard nor hath it entred into the heart of man But yet wee gaped with the mouth of our heart after those vpper streames of that Fountaine which is before thee that being besprinckled with it according to our capacity wee might in some sort meditate vpon so high a mystery 2. And when our discourse was once come vnto that poynt that the highest pleasure of the carnall sences and that in the brightest beame of corporall lightsomenesse was in respect of the sweetenesse of that life not onely not worthy of comparison but not so much as of mention wee chering vp our selues with a more burning affection towards that did by degrees course ouer all these corporeals that is to say the heauen it selfe from whence both Sunne and Moone and starres doe shine vpon this earth yea wee soared higher yet by inward musing and discourse vpon Thee and by admyring of thy workes And last of all wee came to our owne soules which wee presently went beyond that wee might aduance as high as that Region of neuer-wasting plenty where Thou feedest Israel for euer with the foode of Trueth and where life is that Wisedome by which all these things are made and which haue beene and which are to come And this Wisedome is not made but it is at this present as it hath euer beene and so shall it euer bee seeing that the Termes to haue beene and to be hereafter are not at all in it but to Be now for that it is eternall For to haue beene and to be is not eternall And while we were thus discoursing and streyning our selues after it we arriued to a little touch of it with the whole stroake of our heart and we sighed and euen there wee left behinde vs the first fruits of our spirits enchayned vnto it returning from these thoughts to vocall expressions of our mouth where words are both begun and finished And what can bee like vnto thy Word our Lord who remaines in himselfe for euer without becomming aged and yet renewing all things 3. Wee said therefore If to any man the tumults of the flesh bee silenced let these fancies of the earth and waters and ayre be silenced also yea let the Poles of heauen be silent also let his owne soule likewise keepe silence yea let it surmount it selfe not so much as thinking vpon it selfe Let all dreames and imaginary reuelations be silenced euery tongue and euery signe and whatsoeuer is made by passing from one degree vnto another if vnto any man it can bee altogether silent and that because if any man can hearken vnto them all these will say vnto him We
kindly to mee call'd mee a dutyfull Child remembring with great affection of loue how that shee neuer heard any harsh word or reproachfull tearme to come out of my mouth against her But for all this O my God that madest vs both what comparison is there betwixt that honour that I performe to her and that carefull painefulnesse of hers to mee Because therefore I was left thus destitute of so great a comfort was my very soule wounded yea and my life torne in pieces as it were which had beene made one out of hers and mine together 3 That boy now being stilled from weeping Euodius tooke vp the Psalter and began to sing the whole house answering him the 101 Psalme I will sing of mercy and iudgement vnto thee O Lord. But when it was once heard what we were a doing there came together very many Brethren and religious women and whilest they whose office it was were as the manner is taking order for the buriall my selfe in a part of the house where most conueniently I could together with those who thought it not fit to leaue mee discoursed vpon something which I thought fittest for the time by applying of which playster of truth did I asswage that inward torment knowne onely vnto thy selfe though not by them perceiued who very attentiuely listning vnto me conceiued me to be without all sense of sorrow But in thy eares where none of them ouer heard me did I blame the weakenesse of my passion and refraine my flood of grieuing which giuing way a little vnto mee did for all that breake forth with his wonted violence vpon me though not so far as to burst out into teares nor to any great change of countenance yet know I well enough what I kept downe in my heart And for that it very much offended me that these human respects had such power ouer mee which must in their due order and out of the Fatality of our naturall condition of necessity come to passe I condoled mine owne sorrow with a new grieuing being by this meanes afflicted with a double sorrow 4. And behold when as the Corps was carried to the Burial we both went returned without teares For neither in those Prayers which we powred forth vnto Thee whenas the Sacrifice of our Redemption was offered vp vnto thee for her the Corps standing by the Graues side before it was put into the ground as the manner there is did I so much as shed a teare all the Prayer time yet was I most grieuously sad in secrete and with a troubled minde did I begge of thee so well as I could that thou wouldst mitigate my sorrow which for all that thou diddest not recommending I beleeue vnto my memory by this one experiment That the too strict bond of all humane conuersation is much preiudiciall vnto that soule which now feeds vpon thy not deceiuing Word It would I thought doe me some good to goe and bathe my selfe and that because I had heard the Bath to take his name from the Greekes calling of it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 for that it driues sadnesse out of the minde And this I also confesse vnto thy mercy O father of the fatherlesse because that after I had bathed I was the same man I was before and that the bitternesse of my sorrow could not bee swette out of my heart 5. I fell to sleepe vpon it and vpon my waking I found my griefe to bee not a little abated Wherevpon lying in my bed alone there came to my mind those true verses of thy Ambrose For thou art the God that all things doest create Who know'st the Heauens to moderate And cloath'st the day with beautious light With benefit of sleepe the night Which may our weakned sinewes make Able new paynes to vndertake And all our tyred minds well ease And our distempered griefes appease And then againe by little and little as feelingly as before calling to mind thy handmayd her deuout and holy conuersation towards Thee her pleasing and most obseruant behauiour towards Vs of which too suddenly I was now depriued it gaue mee some content to weepein thy sight both concerning her and for her concerning my selfe and for my selfe And I gaue way to these teares which I before restreined to ouer flow as much as they desired laying them for a pillow vnder my heart and resting my selfe vpon them for there were thy eares and not the eares of man who would haue scornefully interpreted this my weeping 6. But now in writing I confesse it vnto thee O Lord read it who will and interpret it how he will and if hee finds me to haue offended in bewailing my mother so small a portion of an houre that mother I say now dead and departed from mine eyes who had so many yeeres wept for me that I might liue in thine eyes let him not deride me but if he be a man of any great charity let him rather weepe for my sinnes vnto Thee the Father of all the brethren of thy Christ CHAP. 13. Hee prayeth for his dead mother 1. BVt my heart now cured of that wound for which it might bee blamed for a carnall kinde of affection I powre out vnto Thee O our God in behalfe of that handmayd of thine a farre different kind of teares such as flowed from a broken spirit out of a serious consideration of the danger of euery soule that dyeth in Adam And notwithstanding she for her part being quickened in Christ euen before her dissolution from the flesh had so liued that there is cause to prayse Thy name both for her sayth and conuersation yet dare I not say for all this that from the time of thy regenerating her by baptisme there issued not from her mouth any one word or other against thy commandement Thy Sonne who is Truth hath pronounc'd it Whosoeuer shall say vnto his brother Thou foole shall bee in danger of Hell fire In so much as woe bee vnto the most commendable life of men if laying aside thy mercy thou shouldest rigorously examine it But because thou too narrowly inquiredst not after sinnes wee assuredly hope to finde some place of pardon with thee But whosoeuer stands to reckon vp his owne Merits vnto Thee what reckons hee vp vnto thee but thine owne gifts Oh that men would know thēselues to be but men that he that glorieth would glory in the Lord. 2. I therefore O my praise and my life thou God of my heart laying aside for a while her good deedes for which with reioycing I giue thanks vnto thee doe now beseech thee for the sinnes of my mother Hearken vnto mee by him I intreate thee that is the true medicine of our wounds who hung vpon the tree and now sitting at thy right hand maketh intercession for vs. I know that shee hath doalt mercifully and to haue from her very heart forgiuen those that trespassed against her doe thou also
forgiue her trespasses what-euer shee hath drawne vpon her selfe in so many yeeres since her cleansing by the water of baptisme forgiue her Lord forgiue her I beseech thee enter not into iudgement with her but let thy mercy bee exalted aboue thy iustice and that because thy words are true and thou hast promised mercy vnto the mercifull which that people might bee is thy gift to them who wilt haue mercy on whome thou wilt haue mercy and wilt shew deeds of mercy vnto whom thou hast been mercifully inclined And I now beleeue that thou hast already done what I request of thee but take in good part O Lord these voluntary petitions of my mouth 3. For shee the day of her dissolution being at hand tooke no thought to haue her body sumptuously wound vp or imbalmed with spices nor was she ambitious of any choyce monument or cared to bee buried in her owne Country These things shee gaue vs no command for but desired only to haue her name commemorated at thy Altar which shee had serued without intermission of one day from whence she knew that holy Sacrifice to bee dispensed by which that Hand-writing that was against vs is blotted out through which Sacrifice the Enemy was triumphed ouer he who summing vp our offences and seeking for something to lay to our charge sound nothing in Him in whom wee are conquerours Who shall restore vnto him his innocent blood who shall repay him the price with which hee bought vs and so bee able to take vs out of his hands vnto the Sacrament of which price of our redemption this handmaid of thine had bound her owne soule by the bond of fayth 4. Let none plucke her away from thy protection let neyther the Lyon nor the Dragon interpose himselfe by force or fraud For shee will not answere that shee owes nothing lest she bee disprooued and gotten the better of by her crafty accuser but she will answer how that her sins are forgiuen her by him vnto whome none is able to repay that price which hee layd downe for vs who owed nothing Let her rest therefore in peace together with her husband before or after whom shee had neuer any whom shee obeyed through patience bringing forth fruit vnto thee that shee might winne him vnto thee And inspire O Lord my God inspire thy seruants my brethren thy sonnes my masters whom with voyce and heart and pen I serue that so many of them as shall reade these Confessions may at thy Altar remember Monica thy handmayd together with Patricius her sometimes husband by whose bodies thou broughtest mee into this life though how I know not May they with deuout affection be mindefull of these parents of mine in this transitory light and of my brethren that are vnder thee our Father in our Catholicke Mother and of those who are to be my fellow Citizens in that eternall Ierusalem which thy people here in their pilgrimage so sigh after euen from their birth vnto their returne thither That so what my mother in her last words desired of me may the more plentifully bee performed for her in the prayers of many as well by meanes of my Confessions as of my prayers The end of the Ninth Booke Saint Agustines Confessions The tenth Booke CHAP. 1. The Confessions of the heart 1 LEt mee know Thee O Lord who knowest mee let me know thee as I am knowne of thee O thou the vertue of my soule make thy entrance into it and so fit it for thy selfe that thou mayst haue and hold it without spotte or wrinkle This is my hope and therefore doe I now speake and in this hope doe I reioyce when at all I reioyce As for other things of this life they deserue so much the lesse to bee lamented by how much the more wee doe lament them and againe so much the more to bee lamented by how much the lesse we doe lament them For behold thou hast loued truth and hee that does so commeth to the light This will I publish before thee in the confession of my heart and in my writing before many witnesses CHAP. 2. Secret things are knowne to God 1. ANd from thee O Lord vnto whose eyes the bottome of mans Conscience is layd bare what can bee hidden in mee though I would not confesse it For so should I hide thee from mee not my selfe from thee But now for that my groaning is witnesse for mee that I am displeased with my selfe thou shinest out vnto mee and art pleasing to me yea desired and beloued of mee and I will bee ashamed of my selfe yea I will renounce mine owne selfe and make choyce of thee and neuer may I please thee nor my selfe but in thee 2. Vnto thee therefore O Lord am I layd open what euer I am and with what fruit I may Confesse vnto thee I haue before spoken Nor doe I it with words and speeches of the body but with the expressions of my very soule and the crye of my thoughts which thy care onely vnderstandeth For when I am wicked then to confesse vnto thee is no other thing but to displease my selfe but when I am well giuen to confesse vnto thee is then no other thing but not to attribute this goodnesse vnto my selfe because it is thou O Lord that blessest the Iust but first thou iustifiest him being wicked My Confession therefore O my God in thy sight is made vnto thee priuately and yet not priuately for in respect of noyse it is silent but yet it cryes alowd in respect of my affection For neither doe I vtter any thing that is right vnto men which thy selfe hath not before heard from mee nor caust thou heare any such thing from me which thy selfe hath not first sayd vnto me CHAP. 3. The Confession of our ill deeds what it helpes vs. 1. VVHat therefore haue I to doe with men that they should heare my Confessions as if they could cure all my infirmities A curious people to pry into another mans life but slothfull enough to amend their owne Why doe they desire to heare from me what I am who will not heare from thee what themselues are And how know they whenas they heare my selfe confessing of myselfe whether I say true or no seeing none knowes what is in man but the spirit of man which is in him But if they heare from thee any thing concerning themselues they cannot say The Lord lyeth For what els is it from thee to heare of themselues but to know themselues and who is hee that knowing himselfe can say It is false vnlesse himselfe lyes But because Charity beleeueth all things that is to say amongst those whom by knitting vnto it selfe it maketh one I therefore O Lord doe so also confesse vnto thee as that men may heare to whom though I be not able to demonstrate whether I confesse truely yet giue they credit vnto mee whose eares charitie hath set
in my flesh as that these false visions perswade me vnto that when I am asleepe which true visions cannot doe when I am awake Am I not my selfe at that time O Lord my God And is there yet so much difference betwixt my selfe and my selfe in that moment wherein I passe from waking to sleeping or returne from sleeping vnto waking 2. Where is my reason at that time by which my mind when it is a wake resisteth such suggestions as these at which time should the things themselues presse in vpon mee yet would my resolution re maine vnshaken Is my reason clozed vp together with mine eyes or is it lull'd asleepe with the sences of my body But whence then comes it to posse that wee so often euen in our sleepe make such resistance and being mindefull of our purpose and remaine most chastly in it wee yeeld no assent vnto such enticements And yet so much difference there is as that when any thing hath otherwise hapned in our sleepe wee vpon our waking returne to peace of conscience by the distance of time discouering that it was not wee that did it notwithstanding wee bee sorry that there is something someway or other done in vs. Is not thy hand able O God almighty to cure all the discases of my soule and with a more abundant measure of thy grace also to quench the lasciuious motions of my sleepe 3. Thou shalt increase O Lord thy graces more and more vpon mee that my soule may follow my selfe home to thee wholy freed of that birdâ—ly me of concupiscence that it may no longer rebell against it selfe nor may in dreames not onely not commit these adult erous vncleannesses by meanes of these sensuall Images procuring pollution of the flesh but that it may not so much as once consent vnto them For to hinder that no such fancy no not so much as should neede any checke to restraine it doe its pleasure in the chast affection of those that sleepe not in this life onely but euen in this age of youth is not hard for the Almighty to doe who is able to doe aboue all that wee aske or thinke And for this time in what case I yet am in this kind of naughtinesse haue I confessed vnto my good Lord reioycing with trembling in that grace which thou hast already giuen me and bemoaning my selfe for that wherein I am still vnperfect well hoping that thou wilt one day perfect thy mercies in mee euen vnto a fulnesse of peace which both my outward and inward man shall at that time enioy with thee whenas death shall be swallowed vp in victory CHAP. 31. The temptation of eating and drinking 1. THere is another euill of the day which I wish were sufficient vnto it that we are fayne by eating and drinking to repaire the daily decayes of our body vntill such time as thou destroyest both belly and meat whenas thou shalt kill this emptinesse of mine with a wonderfull fulnesse and shalt cloath this incorruptible with an eternall incorruption Butin this life euen necessity is sweete vnto me against which swetnes do I fight lest I should bee beguiled by it yea a daily warre doe I make bringing my body into subiection by my fastings the pinchings whereof are by the pleasure I take in it expelled Hunger Thirst verily are painefull they burne vp and kill like a feaver vnlesse the physicke of nourishments relieue vs. Which for that it is readily to bee had out of the comfort wee receiue by thy gifts with which both land and water and ayre serue our necessities are our calamities termed our delicacies Thus much hast thou taught mee that I am to take my meat as sparingly as I would doe my Physicke 2. But in the while I am passing from the pinching of emptynesse vnto the content of a competent replenishing does that snare of lickorishnesse euen in the very passage lie in ambush for mee For that passage betweene is a kinde of pleasure nor is there any other way to passe by but that which necessity constraines vs to goe by And whereas health is the cause of our eating and drinking there will a dangerous lickorishnesse goes a-long with health like a handmayd yea endeauours oftentimes so to goe before it as that I eate that for my tooths sake which I eyther say I doe or desire to doe for my healths sake Nor is there the same moderation in both for that which is enough in respect of health is nothing neere enough in respect of lickorishnesse yea very vncertaine it is oftentimes whether the necessary care of my body still requires sustenance or whether a voluptuous deceiueablenesse of Epicurisme supplies lust with maintenance And for that this case is vncertaine does my vnhappy soule reioyce prouides it thereby of a protection of excuse reioycing for that it cannot now appeare what may bee sufficient for health that so vnder the cloake of health it may disguise the matter of Epicurisme 3. These enticements doe I endeauour to resist dayly yea I call thy right hand to help me and to thee doe I referre my perplexities for that I am resolued of no counsell as yet whereby to effect it I heare the voyce of my God commanding Let not your hearts bee ouercharged with surfeting and drunkennesse As for drunkennesse I am farre enough from it and thou wilt haue mercy vpon mee that it may neuer come neere mee But full-feeding hath many a time stolne vpon thy seruant but thou wilt haue mercy vpon mee that it may hereafter bee put farre from mee for no man can bee temperate vnlesse thou giue it Many things thou vouchsafest vnto vs which wee pray for and what good thing soeuer wee haue receiued before wee pray from thee haue we receiued it yea to this end haue wee already receiued it that wee might acknowledge so much afterwards Drunkard was I neuer but I haue knowne many a drunkard made a sober man by thee Thy doing therefore it is that such should bee kept from being drunkards hereafter who haue not beene that way faulty heeretofore as from thee it also comes that those should not continue faulty for euer who haue beene giuen to that vice heretofore yea from thee it likewise proceedes that both these parties should take notice from whom all this proceeded 4. I heard also another voyce of thine Goe not after thine owne lusts and from thine owne pleasures turne away thy face Yea by thy fauour haue I heard this saying likewise which I haue much delighted in Neyther if wee eate are wee the better neyther if wee eate not are we the worse which is to say that neythes shall this thing makes me rich nor that miserable Also another voyce of thine haue I heard For I haue learned in whatsoeuer state I am therewith to be content and I know how to abound and how to suffer neede I can doe all things through Christ that
sounding vntill it be brought vnto the end proposed Yea it hath sounded and will sound for so much of it as is finished hath sounded already and the rest will sound And thus passeth it on vntill the present intention conueighs ouer the Future into the past by the diminution of the future the past gayning increase euen vntill by the vniuersall wasting away of the future all growes into the past CHAP. 28. Wee measure times in our mind 1. BVt how comes that future which as yet is not to be diminished or wasted away or how comes that past which now is no longer to bee encreased vnlesse in the minde which acteth all this there bee three things done For it expects it markes attentiuely it remembers that so the thing which it expecteth through that act or power which marketh may passe into that which remembreth Who therefore can deny that things to come are not as yet and for all that is there in the minde an expectation of things to come And who can deny past things to bee now no longer and yet is there still in the minde a memory of things passed And who can deny that the present time wants space because it passeth away in a poynt and yet our attentiue marking of it continues still through which the future passes to bee away The future therefore which is not yet is not a long time but the long future time is meerely A long expectation of the time to come Nor is the time past which is not still a long time but a long passed time is meerely A long memory of the passed time 2. I am about to repeate a song that I know Before I beginne my expectation alone retches it selfe ouer the whole but so soone as I shall haue once begunne how much so euer of it I shall by repeating take into the passed iust so much is retcht along in my memory yea and doubly retcht is the life of this action of mine into my memory so farre as concernes that part which I haue repeated already and into my Expectation too in respect of what I am about to repeate now yea and all this while is my marking faculty present at hand through which that which was Future is conueighed ouer that it may become the passed which how much the more diligently it is done ouer ouer againe so much more the Expectation being shortned is the memory enlarged till the whole Expectation be at length vanisht quite away when namely that whole action being ended all shall bee absolutely passed into the memory What is now done in this whole song the same is done also in euery part of it yea and in euery Syllable of it The same order holds in a longer action too whereof perchance this song is but a part This holds too throughout the whole course of a mans life the parts whereof bee all the Actions of the man It generally holds also throughout the whole age of the sonnes of men the parts whereof bee the whole liues of men CHAP. 29. How the mind lengthens out it selfe 1. BVt because thy louing kindnesse is better then the life it selfe behold my life is a thing meerely stretcht out but thy right hand hath receiued mee euen in my Lord the Sonne of man the Mediator betwixt thee that art but one and vs that are many in many sinnes by many sufferings that by him I may apprehend euen as I am apprehended and that I may bee recalled from my old conuersation to follow that one thing and forget what is behinde not called backe to follow those things that bee future and transitory not stretched forth immoderately but vnanimously bent towards those things which are before me not I say too immoderately stretcht out but with a full bent follow I hard on for the garland of my heauenly calling where I may heare the voyce of thy praise and contemplate that sweetnesse of thine which is neyther not now to come nor euer to passe away But now are my yeeres spent in mourning and thou O Lord my father euerlasting art my comfort And euen now haue I rang'd vp and downe after an inquisition of Times whose order I am yet ignorant of yea my thoughts remaine distracted with tumultuous varieties euen the inmost bowels of my soule vntill I may bee runne into thee thorowly purified and molten by the fire of thy loue CHAP. 30. Hee goes on in the same discourse 1. ANd after that will I leaue running and grow hard in thee appearing in mine owne forme thy truth nor will I endure the questions of such people who in a hote feauer thirst for more then their bellies will hold such as say What did God make before hee made heauen and earth Or What came in his minde to make any thing then hauing neuer made any thing before Giue them grace O Lord well to bethinke themselues what they say and to finde That they cannot say Neuer where there was no Time That he is sayd therfore Neuer to haue made what is it else to say then in no time to haue made Let them see therefore that there canot possibly bee any Time without some or other of thy Creatures and let them forbeare this so vaine talking Let them striue rather towards these things which are before and vnderstand thee the eternall Creator of all times to haue beene before all times and that no times bee coeternall with thee no nor any other creature although there should haue beene any creature before there were any times CHAP. 31. How God is knowne and how the creature 1. O Lord my God what bosome of thy deepe secretes is that and how farre from it haue the consequences of my transgressions cast mee O cure mine eyes that I may take ioy in thy light Certaynly if there be any mind excelling with such eminent vnderstanding and foreknowledge as to knowe all things past and to come so well as I knew that one Song truely that is a most admirable minde able with horror to amaze a man For where is that Hee from whom nothing done eyther in the former or to bee done in the after-ages of the world is no more concealed then that song was to mee whenas I sang it namely what and how much of it I had sung from the beginning what and how much there was yet vnto the ending But farre bee it from vs to thinke that thou the Creator of this Vniuerse the Creator of both soules and bodies farre bee iâ— from vs to thinke that thou shouldest no better know what were passed and what were to come Farre yea farre more wonderfully and farre more secretly doest thou know them For t is not as when at the note of the singer or the well-knowne song of the hearer through expectation of the words to come and the remembring of those that are passed the affection of the parties bee diuersely stirred and their Sences strayned vp to it that
call whereby thou saydest Let there be light and there was light Whereas in vs there is distance of time betweene our hauing beene darknesse and our making light but of that creature it is onely sayd what it would haue beene if it had not beene enlightened And this is spoken in that manner as if it had beene vnsetled and darkesome before that so the reason might now appeare for which it was made to bee otherwise that is to say that it being conuerted vnto the light that neuer faileth might it selfe bee made light Let him vnderstand this that is able and let him that is not aske it of God Why should he trouble mee with it as if I could enlighten any man that commeth into this world CHAP. 11. Of some Impressions or resemblances of the blessed Trinity that be in man 1. VVHich of vs does sufficiently comprehend the knowledge of the almighty Trinity and yet which of vs but talkes of it if at least it be that A rare soule it is which whilest it speakes of it knowes what it speakes of For men contend and striue about it and no man sees the vision of it in peace I could wish that men would consider vpon these three that are in themselues Which three be farre another thing indeede then the Trinity is but I doe but now tell them where they may exercise their meditations and examine and finde how farre they are from it Now the three that I spake of are To Be to Know and to Will For I both Am and Know and Will I Am Knowing and Willing and I Know my selfe to Be and to Will and I would both Be and Know. Betwixt these three let him discerne that can how vnseparable a life there is yea one life one mind and one essence yea finally how vnseparable a distinction there is and yet there is a distinction Surely a man hath it before him let him looke into himselfe and see and then tell mee 2. But when once hee comes to finde any thing in these three yet let him not for all this beleeue himselfe to haue found that vnchangeable which is farre aboue all these and which IS vnchangeably and Knowes vnchangeably and Willes vnchangeably But whether or no where these three bee there is also a Trinity or whether all three bee in each seuerall one or all three in euery of them or whether both wayes at once in admirable manner simply and yet manifoldly in its infinite selfe the and vnto it selfe by which end it is and is knowne vnto it selfe and that being vnchangebly euer the same by the abundant greatnesse of its Vnity it bee all-sufficient for it selfe what man can readily conceiue who is able in any termes to expresse it ◠who shall dare in any measure rashly to deliuer his opinion vpon it CHAP. 12. The water in Baptisme is effectuall by the Holy Spirit 1. PRoceede in with thy Confession of the Lord thy God O my faith O holy holy holy Lord my God in thy name haue we beene baptized O Father Sonne and Holy Ghost because that euen among vs also in Christ his Sonne did God make an heauen and earth namely the spirituall and carnall people of his Church Yea and our earth before it receiued the forme of doctrine was inuisible and vnformed and wee were couered ouer with the darknesse of ignorance For thou hast chastised man for his iniquity and thy Iudgements were like the great deepe vnto him 2 But because thy Spirit moued vpon the waters thy mercy forsooke not our misery for thou saydst Repent ye for the Kingdom of Heauen is at hand Repent Let there be light And because our soule was troubled within vs wee haue remembred thee O Lord concerning the land of Iordan and that hill which being equall vnto thy selfe was made little for our sakes and vpon our being displeased at our owne darkenesse wee turned vnto thee and were made light So that behold we hauing sometimes beene darknesse are now light in the Lord. CHAP. 13. His deuout longing after God 1. BVT yet we walke by faith still not by sight for we are saued by hope but hope that is soene is not hope And yet doeth one deepe call vnto another in the voyce of thy water-spoutes and so doeth hee that sayth I could not speake vnto you as vnto spirituall but as vnto carnall euen He who thought not himselfe to haue apprehended as yet and who forgot those things which are behynd and reacht foorth to those things which are before yea he groaned earnestly and his soule thirsted after God as the Hart after the water-brooks saying When shall I come desiring to be cloathed vpon with his house which is from heauen he calleth also vpon this lower deepe saying Be not conformed to this world but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind And Be not children in vnderstanding but in malice be ye children that in vnderstanding ye may be perfect and O foolish Galatians who hath bewitched you 2. But now speakes hee no longer in his own voice but in thine who sentest thy Spirit from aboue by his mediation who ascended vp on high and set open the flood-gates of his gifts that the force of his streames might make glad the City of God Him doeth this friend of the bridegroome sigh after though hauing the first fruites of the Spirit in himselfe alreadie yet groaneth he within himselfe as yet wayting for the adoption to wit the redemption of his body to him he sighes as being a mēber of his Bride towards him he burnes with zeale as being a friend of the Bridegroome towards him hee burneth not towards himselfe because that in the voyce of thy water-spowtes and not in his owne voyce doth hee call to that other deepe for whose sake hee is both iealous and fearefull lest that as the serpent beguiled Eue through his subtiltie so their minds should be corrupted from the simplicitie that is in our Bridegrome thy onely Sonne Oh what a light of beauty will that be when we shall see that Bridegrome as Hee is when all teares shall be wiped from our eyes which haue beene my meat day and night whilest they daily say vnto me Where is now thy God CHAP. 14. Our misery is comforted by faith and Hope 1. ANd so say I too Where art thou O my God see where art thou In thee take I comfort a little while whenas I powre out my soule by my selfe in the voyce of ioy and prayse which is the sound of him that keepes holyday And yet againe is it besadned euen because it relapseth againe and becomes a darkesome deepe or perceiues it selfe rather euen still to bee one Vnto it thus speakes my faith which thou hast kindled to enlighten my feete in this my night Why art thou so sad O my soule and why art thou so
is it that thus feedes thee Ioy list then to what followes Notwithstanding ye haue well done that ye diâ—communicate with my affliction For this hee reioyceth vpon this hee fed euer because they were beneficia vnto him not because hiâ— straight was eased by them his who saith vnto thee Thou hast enlarged me wheâ— I was in distresse for that he knew to abound and to suffer want through thy self who strengthenest him For yee Philippians know sayth he that in the beginning of thâ— Gospell when I departed from Macedonia no Church communicated with me as coÌ„cerning giuing and receiuing but ye only For euen in Theffalonica ye sent once again vnto my necessity 3. Vnto these good workes hee now reioyceth that they are returned and he is as glad that they flourished againe as at the fruitfulnesse of a field that beginnes to grow greene againe But was it for his own necessities that hee sayd Ye sent vnto my necessities Reioyceth he for that Verily not for that But how know we that Because himselfe saies immediately not because I desire a gift but I desire fruit I haue learned of thy self O my God to distinguish betwixt a gift fruit A gift is the very thing which he giues that imparts these necessaries vnto vs as money meate drinke cloathing harbour help but the fruit is the good and the vpright will of the giuer For our good Master saye not barely He that receiueth a Prophet but addes in the name of a Prophet Nor does he onely say He that receiueth a righteous man but addeth in the name of a righteous man one verily shall receiue the reward of a Prophet and the other the reward of a righteous man Nor sayth hee onely He that shall giue to drinke a cup of cold water vnto one of my little ones but hee added in the name of a Disciple and so concludeth Verily I say vnto you he shall not lose his reward The Gift hâ—re is To receiue a Prophet to receiue a righteous man to giue a cup of cold water to a Disciple but the fruit is to do it in the name of a Prophet in the name of a righteous man in the name of a Disciple With the fruite was Eliah fed by the Widdow that knew shee fed a man of God and that euen therefore shee did feede him but with the Gift did the Rauen feede him Nor was the inner man of Eliah so fed but the outter man onely who might also for want of that foode haue perished CHAP. 27. He allegorizes vpon the Fishes and the Whales 1. I Will here therefore O Lord speake what is true in thy sight namely that when ignorant men and infidels for the gayning and admitting of whom into the Church these Sacraments of beginnings and the mighty workings of miracles are necessary which wee haue supposed to bee signified vnder the name of Fishes and Whales doe giue entertaynment for bodily refreshment or otherwise succour with something vsefull for this present life vnto thy Children whenas themselues be ignorant eyther what to doe and to what end neyther doe those feede these nor are these fed by those because that neyther doe the one sort doe it our of an holy and vpright intent nor the other sort reioyce at their gifts whose fruit they as yet behold not For vpon that is the minde fed of which it is glad And therefore doe not the Fishes and Whales feede vpon such meats as the Earth brings not forth vntill after it was separated and diuided from the bitternesse of the Sea-waters CHAP. 28. Very good why added last of al 1. ANd thou O God sawest euery thing that thou hadst made and behold it was very good Yea euen wee haue seene the same and lo euery thing is very good After euery seuerall kind of thy workes when thou hadst sayd the word that they should bee made and they were made thou then sawest both this and that that it was good Seuen times haue I counted it to bee written that thou sawest that euery thing was good which thou madest this is the eighth that thou sawest euery thing that thou hadst made and behold it was not onely good but also very good as being now all together For seuerally they were onely good but all together both good and very good In this manner is euery kinde of body sayd to bee fayrer by reason that a body is far more beautifull which is made vp of all its members then the same members are when by themselues by whose most orderly coniuncture the whole groweth to bee complete notwithstanding that the members seuerally viewed be also beautifull CHAP. 29. Gods works are good for euer 1. ANd I more narrowly looked to find whether it were seuen or eight times that thou sawest that thy workes were good when as they pleased thee but in that Seeing of thine I found no times by direction of which I might vnderstand how that thou sawest so often that which thou hadst made And I sayd Lord is not this thy Scripture true since thou art true and thou who art Trueth hast set it foorth why then doest thou say vnto me That in thy Seeing there be no times whereas behold thy Scripture tells me that what thou madest euery day thou sawest that it was good and when I counted them found how often Vnto this thou answerest me for thou art my God and with a strong voyce thou tellest thy seruant in his inner eare breaking through my deasenesse and crying O man that which my Scripture sayeth that I my selfe say and yet doeth that speake in time whereas mine own Word falls not within the compasse of time because my Word consists in equall eternity with my selfe Euen thus the self-same things which you men see through my Spirit doe I also see like as what you speake by my Spirit I my selfe speake And on the other side when as you see the very same things in compasse of time I doe not see them in the compasse of time as in like manner whenas you speake the same things in the compasse of time I my selfe doe not speake them in the compasse of time CHAP. 30. Against those who dislike Gods workes 1. AND I ouer-heard O Lord my God and I licked vp a drop of sweetenesse out of thy truth and I vnderstood that certaine men there bee who mislike of thy good workes and who say that thou madest many of them meerely compelled by necessity instancing in the Fabricke of the heauens and in the ordering of the Starres and that thou neuer madest them of thy selfe but that they were otherwhere ready created to thy hand which thou onely drewest together and ioynedst one to another and framedst vp at such time as against thine enemyes now newly ouercome thou raysedst vp the Walls of the world that by this building they being vtterly now defeated might neuer againe be able to rebell against thee As for
singly of themselues and one with another very good in Thy Word euen in Thy onely Word both Heauen and Earth the head and the body of the Church in thy Predestination before all times without succession of morning and euening In which notwithstanding Thou begannest in Thy good time to put in execution Thy predestinated decrees to the end Thou mightest reucale hidden things and rectifie disordered things for our sinnes hung ouer vs and wee had sunke into the darksome deepenesse and Thy good Spirit houered ouer vs to helpe vs in due season and Thou didst iustifie the vngodly and distinguishedst them from the wicked and Thou settledst the authority of Thy Bible betweene the gouernours of the Church who were to bee taught by Thee and the Inferior people who were to be subiect to them and thou hast gathered together the society of vnbeleeuers into one conspiracy that the studies or the faythfull might be more apparant and that their works of mercy mightâ— obey Thy commands they distributing to the poore their earthly riches to obtayne Heauenly 2. And after this didst Thou kindle certaine lights in the firmament euen Thy Holy ones hauing the word of life set aloft by Spirituall gifts shining with eminent authoritie after that againe for the instruction of the vnbeleeuing Gentiles didst Thou out of a corporeall matter produce the Sacraments and certain visible miracles and Formes of words according to the Firmament of thy Bible by which the faythfull should receiue a blessing Next after that hast Thou formed the liuing soules of the faythfull through their affections well ordered by thee vigor of Continencie and the minde after that subiected to thy selfe alone and needing to imitate no humane authority hast thou renewed after Thine own Image and similitude and hast subiected its rationall actions to the excellency of the vnderstanding as a woman to a man and to all offices of Ministery necessary for the perfecting of the faythfull in this life Thy great will is that for their temporall vses such good things bee giuen by the sayd faythfull as may be profitable to themselues in time to come All these wee see and they are very good because Thou seest them in vs who hast giuen vnto vs thy Spirit by which wee might see these things and might loue thee in them CHAP. 35. He prayes for peace 1. GRant O Lord God thy peace vnto vs for what euer we haue thou hast giuen vs. Giue vs the peace of quietnesse the peace of the Sabbath a Sabbath of peace without any euening For all this most goodly array of things so very good hauing finished their courses is so passe away for a morning and an euening was desâ—inâ—ed 〈…〉 them CHAP. 36. Why the seuenth day hath no euening 1. BVt the Seuenth day is without any euening nor hath it any Sun-set euer because thou hast sanctified it to an euerlasting continu 〈…〉 that that which Thy selfe didst after Thy workes which were very good rest namely the seuenth day although â—â—on those workes thou createdst without breaking Thy rest the same may the voyce of thy Bible speake before-hand vnto vs namely that wee also after our workes which are therefore very good because Thou hast giuen vs grace to doe them may rest in Thee in the Sabbath of life euerlasting CHAP. 37. When God shall rest in vs. 1. FOr in that Sabbath Thou shalt so rest in vs as thou now workest in vs and so shall that Rest bee thine by vs euen as these workes are Thine too by vs. But thou O Lord doest worke alwayes and rest alwayes too Nor doest thou see for a 〈◊〉 nor art thou moued for a time nor doest rest for a time and yet thou makest those viewes which are made in time yea the very times themselues and the rest which proceede from time CHAP. 38. God be holds created things one way and man another way VVEE therefore behold these things which Thou hast created euen because they Are but they Are euen because Thou seest them And wee looke vpon their outside because they haue a Being and wee discerne their Inside that they are good in their Being but Thou sawest them there already made where Thou sawest them there-after to be made And wee were not till after that time moued to doe well that our heart had conceiued the purpose of it by Thy Spirit but before that time wee were inclined to doe euill euen when we forsooke Thee but 〈◊〉 O soueraigne God one and good didst neuer cease doing good for vs. And some certaine works of ours there bee that be Good but it is by Thy Grace that they are so which yet are not of continuance sempiternall After them we trust to find repose in Thy grand SanctificatioÌ„ But Thou being the Good standest in neede of no good Thou art at rest alwayes because Thy Rest Thou art Thy selfe And what man is he that can teach another man to vnderstand this or what Angell another Angell or what Angell a man Let this mystery bee begd of Thee bee sought at Thy hands knockt for at Thy gate so so shall it bee receiued so shall it bee found and so shall it be opened Amen * ⎠* FINIS The order of the chiefe passages in these Confessions Which may serue for a Table SAint Augustines childhood page 24 His first sicknesse and deferring of his baptisme p. 33 His first studies p. 38 His Youth described p. 66 Goes to study at Carthage p. 71 Robs a Peare tree p. 78 Fals in loue p. 100 Haunts stage playes p. 101 Conuerses with young Lawyers p. 106 Begins to be conuerted by reading of Ciceroes Hortensius p. 109 Is ensnared by the Manichees p. 114 Describes their doctrine 121 He derides it p. 136 His mothers dreams p. 138 A Bishops answer to her p. 142 He teaches Rhetoricke p. 149 His answer to a wizard p. 151 Is reclaymed from Astrology p. 152 Laments his friends death p. 158 Baptisme the wonderfull effects p. 160 He writes a Book of Fayre and Fit p. 186 His incompareable wit p. 199 Faustus the Manichee described p 211. 220. 225. Austen falls from the Manichees p. 230 Sayles to Rome p 234 Recouers of a feauer p. 141 The Manichees opinions 253 Goes to Millaine p. 257 Begins to be conuerted by Saint Ambrose p. 261 Is neyther Manichee nor good Catholicke p. 265 His Mother conuerted from her country superstition p. 269. Saint Ambroses imployments p. 274 Alipius disswaded from Chariot races p. 295 Doates after sword-playes p. 301 Apprehended vpon suspition of the euery p. 305 His integrity p. 311 Disputes with Austen against-marriage p. 322 Nebridins comming p. 311 He confutes the Manich eâ— p 345 Austen layes out for a wife p. 327 His concubines 150. 332 His disputes about euill and its cause p. 348 God discouers some things to him p. 381 Begins to reflect vpon Christ p. 398 Studies the Platonists p. 374 404 Goes