consider that one man is not better then another neither towards God nor Man but by doing better and braver things we shall also see that that which is most beneficent is also most excellent and therefore those friendships must needs be most perfect where the friends can be most useful For men cannot be useful but by worthinesses in the several instances a fool cannot be relyed upon for counsel nor a vitious person for the advantages of vertue nor a beggar for relief nor a stranger for conduct nor a tatler to keep a secret nor a pittiless person trusted with my complaint nor a covetous man with my childes fortune nor a false person without a witnesse nor a suspicious person with a private design nor him that I fear with the treasures of my love But he that is wise and vertuous rich and at hand close and mercifull free of his money and tenacious of a secret open and ingenuous true and honest is of himself an excellent man and therefore fit to be lov'd and he can do good to me in all capacities where I can need him and therefore is fit to be a friend I confesse we are forced in our friendships to abate some of these ingredients but full measures of friendship would have full measures of worthinesse and according as any defect is in the foundation in the relation also there may be imperfection and indeed I shall not blame the friendship so it be worthy though it be not perfect not onely because friendship is charity which cannot be perfect here but because there is not in the world a perfect cause of perfect friendship If you can suspect that this discourse can suppose friendship to be mercenary and to be defective in the greatest worthinesse of it which is to love our friend for our friends sake I shall easily be able to defend my self because I speak of the election and reasons of choosing friends after he is chosen do as nobly as you talke and love as purely as you dream and let your conversation be as metaphysical as your discourse and proceed in this method till you be confuted by experience yet till then the case is otherwise when we speak of choosing one to be my friend He is not my friend till I have chosen him or loved him and if any man enquires whom he shall choose or whom he should love I suppose it ought not to be answered that we should love him who hath least amability that we should choose him who hath least reason to be chosen But if it be answered he is to be chosen to be my friend who is most worthy in himself not he that can do most good to me I say here is a distinction but no difference for he is most worthy in himself who can do most good and if he can love me too that is if he will do me all the good he can that I need then he is my friend and he deserves it And it is impossible from a friend to separate a will to do me good and therefore I do not choose well if I choose one that hath not power for if it may consist with the noblenesse of friendship to desire that my friend be ready to do me benefit or support it is not sense to say is is ignoble to desire he should really do it when I need and if it were not for pleasure or profit we might as well be without a friend as have him Among all the pleasures and profits the sensual pleasure and the matter of money are the lowest and the least and therefore although they may sometimes be used in friendship and so not wholly excluded from the consideration of him that is to choose yet of all things they are to be the least regarded 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 When fortune frowns upon a man A friend does more then money can For there are besides these many profits and many pleasures and because these onely are sordid all the other are noble and fair and the expectations of them no disparagements to the best friendships For can any wise or good man be angry if I say I choose this man to be my friend because he is able to give me counsell to restrain my wandrings to comfort me in my sorrows he is pleasant to me in private and usefull in publick he will make my joyes double and divide my grief between himself and me For what else should I choose For being a fool and uselesse for a pretty face or a smooth chin I confesse it is possible to be a friend to one that is ignorant and pitiable handsome and good for nothing that eats well and drinks deep but he cannot be a friend to me and I love him with a fondnesse or a pity but it cannot be a noble friendship 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said Menander By wine and mirth and every dayes delight We choose our friends to whom we think we might Our souls intrust but fools are they that lend Their bosome to the shadow of a friend 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Plutarch calls such friendships the Idols and Images of friendship True and brave friendships are between worthy persons and there is in Mankind no degree of worthinesse but is also a degree of usefulnesse and by every thing by which a man is excellent I may be profited and because those are the bravest friends which can best serve the ends of friendships either we must suppose that friendships are not the greatest comforts in the world or else we must say he chooses his friend best that chooses such a one by whom he can receive the greatest comforts and assistances 3. This being the measure of all friendships they all partake of excellency according as they are fitted to this measure a friend may be counselled well enough though his friend be not the wisest man in the world and he may be pleased in his society though he be not the best natured man in the world but still it must be that something excellent is or is apprehended or else it can be no worthy friendship because the choice is imprudent and foolish Choose for your friend him that is wise and good and secret and just ingenuous and honest and in those things which have a latitude use your own liberty but in such things which consist in an indivisible point make no abatements That is you must not choose him to be your friend that is not honest and secret just and true to a tittle but if he be wise at all and usefull in any degree and as good as you can have him you need not be ashamed to own your friendships though sometimes you may be ashamed of some imperfections of your friend 4. But if you yet enquire further whether fancy may be an ingredient in your choice I answer that fancy may minister to this as to all other actions in which
which all the good men and women in the world shall be in Heaven that is in the state of perfect friendships This is the biggest but then it includes and can suppose all the rest and if this may be done for all and in some cases must for any one of the multitude we need not scruple whether we may doe it for those who are better then a multitude But as for the thing it self it is not easily and lightly to be done and a man must not die for humour nor expend so great a Jewel for a trifle 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 said Philo we will hardly die when it is for nothing when no good no worthy end is served and become a Sacrifice to redeem a foot-boy But we may not give our life to redeem another unlesse 1. The party for whom we die be a worthy and an useful person better for the publick or better for Religion and more useful to others then my self Thus Ribischius the German died bravely when he became a Sacrifice for his Master Maurice Duke of Saxony Covering his Masters body with his own that he might escape the furie of the Turkish Souldiers Succurram perituro sed ut ipse non peream nisi si futurus ero magni hominis aut magnae rei merces said Seneca I will help a dying person if I can but I will not die my self for him unlesse by my death I save a brave man or become the price of a great thing that is I will die for a Prince for the republick or to save an Army as David expos'd himself to combat with the Philistin for the redemption of the host of Israel and in this sense that is true Praestat ut pereat unus quā Unitas better that one perish then a multitude 2. A man dies bravely when he gives his temporall life to save the soul of any single person in the Christian world It is a worthy exchange the glorification of that love by which Christ gave his life for every soul Thus he that reproves an erring Prince wisely and necessarily he that affirms a fundamental truth or stands up for the glory of the Divine attributes though he die for it becomes a worthy sacrifice 3. These are duty but it may be heroick and full of Christian bravery to give my life to rescue a noble and a brave friend though I my self be as worthy a man as he because the preference of him is an act of humility in me and of friendship towards him Humility and Charity making a pious difference where art and nature have made all equall Some have fancied other measures of treating our friends One sort of men say that we are to expect that our friends should value us as we value our selves which if it were to be admitted will require that we make no friendships with a proud man and so far indeed were well but then this proportion does exclude some humble men who are most to be valued and the rather because they undervalue themselves Others say that a friend is to value his friend as much as his friend values him but neither is this well or safe wise or sufficient for it makes friendship a meer bargaine and is something like the Countrey weddings in some places where I have been where the bridegroom and the bride must meet in the half way and if they fail a step they retire and break the match It is not good to make a reckoning in friendship that 's merchandise or it may be gratitude but not noble friendship in which each part strives to out-do the other in significations of an excellent love And amongst true friends there is no fear of losing any thing But that which amongst the old Philosophers comes nearest to the right is that we love our friends as we love our selves If they had meant it as our Blessed Saviour did of that generall friendship by which we are to love all mankind it had been perfect and well or if they had meant it of the inward affection or of outward justice but because they meant it of the most excellent friendships and of the outward significations of it it cannot be sufficient for a friend may and must sometimes do more for his friend then he would do for himself Some men will perish before they will begge or petition for themselves to some certaine persons but they account it noble to do it for their friend and they will want rather then their friend shall want and they will be more earnest in praise or dispraise respectively for their friend then for themselves And indeed I account that one of the greatest demonstrations of reall friendship is that a friend can really endeavour to have his friend advanced in honour in reputation in the opinion of wit or learning before himself Aurum opes Martial l. 8. ep 18. rura frequens donabit amicus Qui velit ingenio cedere rarus erit Sed tibi tantus inest veteris respectus amici Carior ut mea sit quam tua fama tibi Lands gold and trifles many give or lend But he that stoops in fame is a rare friend In friendships orbe thou art the brightest star Before thy fame mine thou preferrest far But then be pleased to think that therefore I so highly value this signification of friendship because I so highly value humility Humility and Charity are the two greatest graces in the world and these are the greatest ingredients which constitute friendship and expresse it But there needs no other measures of friendship but that it may be as great as you can expresse it beyond death it cannot go to death it may when the cause is reasonable and just charitable and religious and yet if there be any thing greater then to suffer death and pain and shame to some are more insufferable a true and noble friendship shrinks not at the greatest trials And yet there is a limit even to friendship It must be as great as our friend fairly needs in all things where we are not tied up by a former duty to God to our selves or some pre-obliging relative When Pollux heard somebody whisper a reproch against his Brother Castor he killed the slanderer with his fist that was a zeal which his friendship could not warrant Nulla est excusatio si amici causâ peccaveris said Cicero No friendship can excuse a sin And this the braver Romans instanced in the matter of duty to their Countrey It is not lawful to fight on our friends part against our Prince or Countrey and therefore when Caius Blosius of Cuma in the sedition of Gracchus appeared against his Countrey when he was taken he answered that he loved Tiberius Gracchus so dearly that he thought fit to follow him whithersoever he led and begg'd pardon upon that account They who were his Judges were so noble that though they knew it no fair excuse yet for the honour of friendship they did not
friendships despises such a quarrel and what may be reasonable in him would be ignoble in me sometimes it may be otherwise and friends may marry one anothers loves and hatreds but it is by chance if it can be just and therefore because it is not alwayes right it cannot be ever necessary In all things else let friendships be as high and expressive till they become an Union or that friends like the Molionidae be so the same that the flames of their dead bodies make but one Piramis no charity can be reproved and such friendships which are more then shadows are nothing else but the rayes of that glorious grace drawn into one centre and made more active by the Union and the proper significations are well represented in the old Hieroglyphick by which the ancients depicted friendship In the beauties and strength of a young man bare-headed rudely clothed to signifie its activity and lastingness readiness of action and aptnesses to do service Upon the fringes of his garment was written Mors vita as signifying that in life and death the friendship was the same on the forehead was written Summer and Winter that is prosperous and adverse accidents and states of life the left arme and shoulder was bare and naked downe to the heart to which the finger pointed and there was written longè propè by all which we know that friendship does good far and neer in Summer Winter in life and death and knows no difference of state or accident but by the variety of her services and therefore ask no more to what we can be obliged by friendship for it is every thing that can be honest and prudent usefull and necessary For this is all the allay of this Universality we may do any thing or suffer any thing that is wise or necessary or greatly beneficial to my friend and that in any thing in which I am perfect master of my person and fortunes But I would not in bravery visite my friend when he is sick of the plague unlesse I can do him good equall at least to my danger but I will procure him Physicians and prayers all the assistances that he can receive and that he can desire if they be in my power and when he is dead I will not run into his grave and be stifled with his earth but I will mourn for him and performe his will and take care of his relatives and do for him as if he were alive and I think that is the meaning of that hard saying of a Greek Poet. 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 To me though distant let thy friendship flye Though men be mortal friendships must not die Of all things else there 's great satiety Of such immortal abstracted pure friendships indeed there is no great plenty and to see brothers hate each other is not so rare as to see them love at this rate The dead and the absent have but few friends say the Spaniards but they who are the same to their friend 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 when he is in another Countrey or in another World these are they who are fit to preserve the sacred fire for eternall sacrifices and to perpetuate the memory of those exemplar friendships of the best men which have filled the world with history and wonder for in no other sense but this can it be true that friendships are pure loves regarding to doe good more then to receive it He that is a friend after death hopes not for a recompense from his friend and makes no bargain either for fame or love but is rewarded with the conscience and satisfaction of doing bravely but then this is demonstration that they choose Friends best who take persons so worthy that can and will do so This is the profit and usefulnesse of friendship and he that contracts such a noble Union must take care that his friend be such who can and will but hopes that himselfe shall be first used and put to act it I will not have such a friendship that is good for nothing but I hope that I shall be on the giving and assisting part and yet if both the friends be so noble and hope and strive to do the benefit I cannot well say which ought to yield and whether that friendship were braver that could be content to be unprosperous so his friend might have the glory of assisting him or that which desires to give assistances in the greatest measures of friendship but he that chooses a worthy friend that himself in the dayes of sorrow and need might receive the advantage hath no excuse no pardon unlesse himself be as certain to do assistances when evil fortune shall require them The summe of this answer to this enquiry I give you in a pair of Greek verses 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Friends are to friends as lesser Gods while they Honour and service to each other pay But when a dark cloud comes grudge not to lend Thy head thy heart thy fortune to thy friend 3. The last inquiry is how friendships are to be conducted That is what are the duties in presence and in absence whether the friend may not desire to enjoy his friend as well as his friendship The answer to which in a great measure depends upon what I have said already if friendship be a charity in society and is not for contemplation and noise but for materiall comforts and noble treatments and usages this is no peradventure but that if I buy land I may eat the fruits and if I take a house I may dwell in it and if I love a worthy person I may please my self in his society and in this there is no exception unlesse the friendship be between persons of a different sex for then not onely the interest of their religion and the care of their honour but the worthiness of their friendship requires that their entercourse be prudent and free from suspicion and reproch and if a friend is obliged to bear a calamity so he secure the honour of his friend it will concerne him to conduct his entercouse in the lines of a vertuous prudence so that he shall rather lose much of his own comfort then she any thing of her honour and in this case the noises of people are so to be regarded that next to innocence they are the principall But when by caution and prudence and severe conduct a friend hath done all that he or she can to secure fame and honourable reports after this their noises are to be despised they must not fright us from our friendships nor from her fairest entercourses I may lawfully pluck the clusters from my own vine though he that walks by calls me thief But by the way Madam you may see how much I differ from the morosity of those Cynics who would not admit your sex into the communities of a noble friendship I believe some Wives have been the best
THE MEASURES AND OFFICES OF FRIENDSHIP WITH RULES of conducting it To which are added Two Letters written to persons newly changed in their Religion The second Edition By JER TAYLOR D. D. Dion Orat. 1. de Regno 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 LONDON Printed by J.G. for R. Royston at the Angel in Ivie-lane 1657. A DISCOURSE OF THE Nature and Offices OF FRIENDSHIP In a Letter to the most Ingenious and Excellent M.K.P. MADAM THe wise Bensirach advised that we should not consult with a woman concerning her of whom she is jealous neither with a coward in matters of warre nor with a merchant concerning exchange and some other instances he gives of interested persons to whom he would not have us hearken in any matter of Counsel For where ever the interest is secular or vitious there the bias is not on the side of truth or reason because these are seldome serv'd by profit and low regards But to consult with a friend in the matters of friendship is like consulting with a spirituall person in Religion they who understand the secrets of Religion or the interior beauties of friendship are the fittest to give answers in all inquiries concerning the respective subjects because reason and experience are on the side of interest and that which in friendship is most pleasing and most useful is also most reasonable and most true and a friends fairest interest is the best measure of the conducting friendships and therefore you who are so eminent in friendships could also have given the best answer to your own inquiries and you could have trusted your own reason because it is not onely greatly instructed by the direct notices of things but also by great experience in the matter of which you now inquire But because I will not use any thing that shall look like an excuse I will rather give you such an account which you can easily reprove then by declining your commands seem more safe in my prudence then open and communicative in my friendship to you You first inquire how far a Dear and a perfect friendship is authoriz'd by the principles of Christianity To this I answer That the word Friendship in the sense we commonly mean by it is not so much as named in the New-Testament and our Religion takes no notice of it You think it strange but read on before you spend so much as the beginning of a passion or a wonder upon it There is mention of Friendship with the world and it is said to be enmity with God but the word is no where else named or to any other purpose in all the New Testament It speaks of Friends often but by friends are meant our acquaintance or our Kindred there latives of our family or our fortune or our sect something of society or something of kindnesse there is in it a tendernesse of appellation and civility a relation made by gifts or by duty by services and subjection and I think I have reason to be confident that the word friend speaking of humane entercourse is no other-wayes used in the Gospels or Epistles or Acts of the Apostles and the reason of it is the word friend is of a large signification and means all relations and societies and whatsoever is not enemy but by friendships I suppose you mean the greatest love and the greatest usefulnesse and the most open communication and the noblest sufferings and the most exemplar faithfulnesse and the severest truth and the heartiest counsel and the greatest union of minds of which brave men and women are capable But then I must tell you that Christianity hath new christened it and calls this Charity The Christian knowes no enemy he hath that is though persons may be injurious to him and unworthy in themselves yet he knowes none whom he is not first bound to forgive which is indeed to make them on his part to be no enemies that is to make that the word enemy shal not be perfectly contrary to friend it shall not be a relative term and signifie something on each hand a relative and a correlative and then he knows none whom he is not bound to love and pray for to treat kindly and justly liberally and obligingly Christian Charity is Friendship to all the world and when Friendships were the noblest things in the world Charity was little like the Sun drawn in at a chink or his beams drawn into the centre of a Burning-glasse but Christian charity is Friendship expanded like the face of the Sun when it mounts above the Eastern hills and I was strangely pleas'd when I saw something of this in CICERO for I have been so push'd at by herds and flocks of people that follow any body that whistles to them or drives them to pasture that I am grown afraid of any Truth that seems chargeable with singularity but therefore I say glad I was when I saw Laelius in Cicero discourse thus Amicitia ex infinitate generis humani quam conciliavit ipsa natura contracta res est adducta in angustum ut omnis charitas aut inter duos aut inter paucos jungeretur Nature hath made friendships and societies relations and endearments and by something or other we relate to all the world there is enough in every man that is willing to make him become our friend but when men contract friendships they inclose the Commons and what Nature intended should be every mans we make proper to two or three Friendship is like rivers and the strand of seas and the ayre common to all the world but Tyrants and evil customes wars and want of love have made them proper and peculiar But when Christianity came to renew our nature and to restore our lawes and to increase her priviledges and to make her aptnesse to become religion then it was declared that our friendships were to be as universal as our conversation that is actual to all with whom we converse and potentially extended unto those with whom we did not For he who was to treat his enemies with forgivenesse and prayers and love and beneficence was indeed to have no enemies and to have all friends So that to your question how far a Dear and perfect friendship is authoriz'd by the principles of Christianity The answer is ready and easie It is warranted to extend to all Mankind and the more we love the better we are and the greater our friendships are the dearer we are to God let them be as Dear and let them be as perfect and let them be as many as you can there is no danger in it onely where the restraint begins there begins our imperfection it is not ill that you entertain brave friendships and worthy societies it were well if you could love and if you could benefit all Mankind for I conceive that is the summe of all friendships I confesse this is not to be expected of us in this world but as all our graces here are but imperfect that is at the best
non fit verbis Marce ut ameris ama Mar. l. 6. ep 11. if he does then there is a great friendship and he possibly is to be preferred if he can be that friend which he pretends to be that is if he be equally worthy but if he sayes I must love him onely because he is my Brother whether he loves me or no he is ridiculous and it will be a strange relation which hath no correspondent but suppose it and adde this also that I am equally his Brother as he is mine then he also must love me whether I love him or no and if he does not he sayes I must love him though he be my Enemy and so I must but I must not love my Enemy though he be my Brother more then I love my Friend and at last if he does love me for being his Brother I confesse that this love deserves love again but then I consider that he loves me upon an incompetent reason for he that loves me only because I am his Brother loves me for that which is no worthinesse and I must love him as much as that comes to and for as little reason unlesse this be added that he loves me first but whether choice and union of souls and worthinesse of manners and greatnesse of understanding and usefulnesse of conversation and the benefits of Counsel and all those endearments which make our lives pleasant and our persons Dear are not better and greater reasons of love and Dearnesse then to be born of the same flesh I think amongst wise persons needs no great enquity For fraternity is but a Cognation of bodies but friendship is an Union of souls which are confederated by more noble ligatures My Brother if he be no more shall have my hand to help him but unlesse he be my friend too he cannot challenge my heart and if his being my friend be the greater nearnesse then friend is more then Brother and I suppose no man doubts but that David lov'd Jonathan far more then he lov'd his Brother Eliab One inquity more there may be in this affair and that is whether a friend may be more then Husband or Wife To which I answer that it can never be reasonable or just prudent or lawfull but the reason is because Marriage is the Queen of friendships in which there is a communication of all that can be communicated by friendship and it being made sacred by vowes and love by bodies and souls by interest and custome by religion and by lawes by common counsels and common fortunes it is the principal in the kind of friendship and the measure of all the rest And there is no abatement to this consideration but that there may be some allay in this as in other lesser friendships by the incapacity of the persons if I have not chosen my friend wisely or fortunately he cannot be the correlative in the best Union but then the friend lives as the soul does after death it is in the state of separation in which the soul strangely loves the body and longs to be reunited but the body is an uselesse trunk and can do no ministeries to the soul which therefore prayes to have the body reformed and restored and made a brave and a fit companion so must these best friends when one is useless or unapt to the braveries of the princely friendship they must love ever and pray ever and long till the other be perfected and made fit in this case there wants onely the body but the soul is still a relative and must be so for ever A Husband and a Wife are the best friends but they cannot alwayes signifie all that to each other which their friendships would as the Sunne shines not upon a Valley which sends up a thick vapour to cover his face and though his beams are eternall yet the emission is intercepted by the intervening cloud But however all friendships are but parts of this a man must leave Father and Mother and cleave to his Wife that is the dearest thing in Nature is not comparable to the dearest thing of friendship and I think this is argument sufficient to prove friendship to be the greatest band in the world Adde to this that other friendships are parts of this they are marriages too lesse indeed then the other because they cannot must not be all that endearment which the other is yet that being the principal is the measure of the rest and are all to be honoured by like dignities and measured by the same rules and conducted by their portion of the same Lawes But as friendships are Marriages of the soul and of fortunes and interests and counsels so they are brotherhoods too and I often think of the excellencies of friendships in the words of David who certainly was the best friend in the world Ecce quam bonum quam jucundum fratres habitare in unum It is good and it is pleasant that Brethren should live like friends that is they who are any wayes relative and who are any wayes social and confederate should also dwell in Unity and loving society for that is the meaning of the word Brother in Scripture It was my Brother Jonathan said David such Brothers contracting such friendships are the beauties of society and the pleasure of life and the festivity of minds and whatsoever can be spoken of love which is Gods eldest daughter can be said of vertuous friendships and though Carneades made an eloquent oration at Rome against justice yet never saw a Panegyrick of malice or ever read that any man was witty against friendship Indeed it is probable that some men finding themselves by the peculiarities of friendship excluded from the participation of those beauties of society which enamel and adorne the wise and the vertuous might suppose themselves to have reason to speak the evil words of envy and detraction I wonder not for all those unhappy soules which shall find heaven gates shut against them will think they have reason to murmur and blaspheme The similitude is apt enough for that is the region of friendship and love is the light of that glorious Countrey but so bright that it needs no Sun Here we have fine and bright rayes of that Celestial flame and though to all mankind the light of it is in some measure to be extended like the treasures of light dwelling in the South yet a little do illustrate and beautifie the North yet some live under the line and the beams of friendship in that position are imminent and perpendicular I know but one thing more in which the Communications of friendship can be restrained and that is in Friends and Enemies Amicus amici amicus meus non est My friends friend is not alwayes my friend nor his enemy mine for if my friend quarrel with a third person with whom he hath had no friendships upon the account of interest if that third person be my friend the nobleness of our
friends in the world and few stories can out-do the noblenesse and piety of that Lady that suck'd the poysonous purulent matter from the wound of our brave Prince in the holy Land when an Assasine had pierc'd him with a venom'd arrow and if it be told that women cannot retain counsell and therefore can be no brave friends I can best confute them by the story of Porcia who being fearfull of the weaknesse of her sex stabb'd her self into the thigh to try how she could bear pain and finding her self constant enough to that sufferance gently chid her Brutus for not daring to trust her since now she perceived that no torment could wrest that secret from her which she hoped might be intrusted to her If there were not more things to be said for your satisfaction I could have made it disputable whether have been more illustrious in their friendships men or women I cannot say that Women are capable of all those excellencies by which men can oblige the world and therefore a female friend in some cases is not so good a counsellor as a wise man and cannot so well defend my honour nor dispose of reliefs and assistances if she be under the power of another but a woman can love as passionately and converse as pleasantly and retain a secret as faithfully and be usefull in her proper ministeries and she can die for her friend as well as the bravest Roman Knight and we finde that some persons have engag'd themselves as far as death upon a less interest then all this amounts to such were the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 as the Greeks call them the Devoti of a Prince or General the Assasines amongst the Saracens the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 amongst the old Galatians they did as much as a friend could do and if the greatest services of a friend can be paid for by an ignoble price we cannot grudge to vertuous and brave women that they be partners in a noble friendship since their conversation and returns can adde so many moments to the felicity of our lives and therefore though a Knife cannot enter as farre as a Sword yet a Knife may be more usefull to some purposes and in every thing except it be against an enemy A man is the best friend in trouble but a woman may be equall to him in the dayes of joy a woman can as well increase our comforts but cannot so well lessen our sorrows and therefore we do not carry women with us when we go to fight but in peaceful Cities and times vertuous women are the beauties of society and the prettinesses of friendship And when we consider that few persons in the world have all those excellencies by which friendship can be useful and illustrious we may as well allow women as men to be friends since they can have all that which can be necessary and essential to friendships and these cannot have all by which friendships can be accidentally improved in all some abatements will be made we shall do too much honour to women if we reject them from friendships because they are not perfect for if to friendships we admit imperfect men because no man is perfect he that rejects women does find fault with them because they are not more perfect then men which either does secretly affirm that they ought and can be perfect or else it openly accuses men of injustice and partiality I hope you will pardon me that I am a little gone from my undertaking I went aside to wait upon the women and to do countenance to their tender vertues I am now return'd and if I were to doe the office of a guide to uninstructed friends would adde the particulars following Madam you need not read them now but when any friends come to be taught by your precept and example how to converse in the noblest conjurations you may put these into better words and tell them 1. That the first law of friendship is they must neither ask of their friend what is Undecent nor grant it if themselves be askt For it is no good office to make my friend more vitious or more a fool I will restrain his folly but not nurse it I will not make my groom the officer of my lust and vanity There are Villains who sell their souls for bread that offer sin and vanity at a price I should be unwilling my friend should know I am vitious but if he could be brought to minister to it he is not worthy to be my friend and if I could offer it to him I do not deserve to clasp hands with a vertuous person 2. Let no man choose him for his friend whom it shall be possible for him ever after to hate for though the society may justly be interrupted yet love is an immortal thing and I will never despise him whom I could once think worthy of my love A friend that proves not good is rather to be suffered then any enmities be entertained and there are some outer offices of friendship and little drudgeries in which the less worthy are to be imployed and it is better that he be below stairs then quite thrown out of doors 3. There are two things which a friend can never pardon a treacherous blow and the revealing of a secret because these are against the Nature of friendship they are the adulteries of it and dissolve the Union and in the matters of friendship which is the marriage of souls these are the proper causes of divorce and therefore I shall adde this only that secrecy is the chastity of friendship and the publication of it is a prostitution and direct debauchery but a secret treacherous wound is a perfect and unpardonable Apostacy I remember a pretty apologue that Bromiard tells A Fowler in a sharp frosty morning having taken many little birds for which he had long watched began to take up his nets and nipping the birds on the head laid them down A young thrush espying the tears trickling down his cheeks by the reason of the extreme cold said to her Mother that certainly the man was very mercifull and compassionate that wept so bitterly over the calamity of the poor Birds But her Mother told her more wisely that she might better judge of the mans disposition by his hand then by his eye and if the hands do strike treacherously he can never be admitted to friendship who speaks fairly and weeps pittifully Friendship is the greatest honesty and ingenuity in the world 4. Never accuse thy friend nor believe him that does if thou dost thou hast broken the skin but he that is angry with every little fault breaks the bones of friendship and when we consider that in society and the accidents of every day in which no man is constantly pleased or displeased with the same things we shall find reason to impute the change unto our selves and the emanations of the Sun are still glorious when our eyes are sore and we have no
friendships are nothing but love and society mixt together that is a conversing with them whom we love now for whatsoever we can love any one for that we can be his friend and since every excellency is a degree of amability every such worthinesse is a just and proper motive of friendship or loving conversation But yet in these things there is an order and proportion Therefore 2. A Good man is the best friend and therefore soonest to be chosen longer to be retain'd and indeed never to be parted with unlesse he cease to be that for which he was chosen 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Where vertue dwells there friendships make But evill neighbourhoods forsake But although vertue alone is the worthiest cause of amability and can weigh down any one consideration and therefore to a man that is vertuous every man ought to be a friend yet I doe not meane the severe and philosophicall excellencies of some morose persons who are indeed wise unto themselves and exemplar to others by vertue here I doe not meane justice and temperance charity and devotion for these I am to love the man but friendship is something more then that Friendship is the nearest love and the nearest society of which the persons are capable Now justice is a good entercourse for Merchants as all men are that buy and sell and temperance makes a Man good company and helps to make a wise man but a perfect friendship requires something else these must be in him that is chosen to be my friend but for these I doe not make him my privado that is my speciall and peculiar friend but if he be a good man then he is properly fitted to be my correlative in the noblest combination And for this we have the best warrant in the world For a just man scarcely will a man die the Syriac interpreter reads it 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 for an unjust man scarcely will a man die that is a wicked man is at no hand fit to receive the expression of the greatest friendship but all the Greek copies that ever I saw or read of read it as we doe for a righteous man or a just man that is justice and righteousnesse is not the nearest indearment of friendship but for a good man some will even dare to die that is for a man that is sweetly disposed ready to doe acts of goodnesse and to oblige others to doe things usefull and profitable for a loving man a beneficent bountifull man one who delights in doing good to his friend such a man may have the highest friendship he may have a friend that will die for him And this is the meaning of Laelius Vertue may be despised so may Learning and Nobility at una est amicitia in rebus humanis de cujus utilitatc omnes consentiunt onely friendship is that thing which because all know to be usefull and profitable no man can despise that is 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 goodnesse or beneficence makes friendships For if he be a good man he will love where he is beloved and that 's the first tie of friendship 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 That was the commendation of the bravest friendship in Theocritus They lov'd each other with a love That did in all things equal prove 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 The world was under Saturns reign When he that lov'd was lov'd again For it is impossible this neernesse of friendship can be where there is not mutuall love but this is secured if I choose a good man for he that is apt enough to begin alone will never be behind in the relation and correspondency and therefore I like the Gentiles Letany well 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Let God give friends to me for my reward Who shall my love with equal love regard Happy are they who when they give their heart Find such as in exchange their own impart But there is more in it then this felicity amounts to For 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 the good man is a profitable usefull person and that 's the band of an effective friendship For I doe not think that friendships are Metaphysical nothings created for contemplation or that men or women should stare upon each others faces and make dialogues of newes and prettinesses and look babies in one anothers eyes Friendship is the allay of our sorrowes the ease of our passions the discharge of our oppressions the sanctuary to our calamities the counsellour of our doubts the clarity of our minds the emission of our thoughts the exercise and improvement of what we meditate And although I love my friend because he is worthy yet he is not worthy if he can doe no good I doe not speak of accidentall hinderances and misfortunes by which the bravest man may become unable to help his Child but of the naturall and artificiall capacities of the man He onely is fit to be chosen for a friend who can doe those offices for which friendship is excellent For mistake not no man can be loved for himself our perfections in this world cannot reach so high it is well if we would love God at that rate and I very much fear that if God did us no good we might admire his Beauties but we should have but a small proportion of love towards him and therefore it is that God to endear the obedience that is the love of his servants signifies what benefits he gives us what great good things he does for us I am the Lord God that brought thee out of the land of Egypt and does Job serve God for nought and he that comes to God must believe that he is and that he is a rewarder all his other greatnesses are objects of fear and wonder it is his goodnesse that makes him lovely and so it is in friendships He onely is fit to be chosen for a friend who can give me counsel or defend my cause or guide me right or relieve my need or can and will when I need it doe me good onely this I adde into the heaps of doing good I will reckon loving me for it is a pleasure to be bloved but when his love signifies nothing but kissing my cheek or talking kindly and and can goe no further it is a prostitution of the bravery of friendship to spend it upon impertinent people who are it may be loads to their families but can never ease my loads but my friend is a worthy person when he can become to me instead of God a guide or a support an eye or a hand a staffe or a rule There must be in friendship something to distinguish it from a Companion and a Countryman from a School-fellow or a Gossip from a Sweet-heart or a Fellow-traveller Friendship may look in at any one of these doors but it stayes not any where til it come to be the best thing in the world and when we