to lie on TRV. O I would not aduise you to sleepe by any meanes LA-F. Would you not sir why then I will not TRV. Yet there 's another feare LA-F. Is there sir What is 't TRV. No he cannot breake open this dore with his foot sure LA-F. I 'll set my backe against it sir. I haue a good backe TRV. But then if he should batter LA-F. Batter if he dare I 'll haue an action of batt'ry against him TRV. He faines as if one were present â—o fright the other who is run in to hide himselfe Cast you the worst He has sent for poulder alreadie and what he will doe with it no man knowes perhaps blow vp the corner o' the house where he suspects you are Here he comes in quickly I protest sir IOHN DAW he is not this way what will you doe before god you shall hang no petarde here I 'll die rather Will you not take my word I neuer knew one but would be satisfied Sir AMOROVS there 's no standing out He has made a petarde of an old brasse pot to force your dore Thinke vpon some satisfaction or termes to offer him LA-F. Sir I 'll giue him any satisfaction I dare giue any termes TRV. You 'll leaue it to me then LA-F. I sir. I 'll stand to any conditions TRV. He calls forth Clerimont and Dauphine How now what thinke you sirs wer 't not a difficult thing to determine which of these two fear'd most CLE. Yes but this feares the brauest the other a whiniling dastard IACK DAW but LA-FOOLE a braue heroique coward and is afraid in a great looke and a stout accent I like him rarely TRV. Had it not beene pitty these two should ha' beene conceal'd CLE. Shall I make a motion TRV. Briefly For I must strike while 't is hot CLE. Shall I goe fetch the ladies to the catastrophe TRV. Vmh I by my troth DAV By no mortall meanes Let them continue in the state of ignorance and erre still thinke 'hem wits and fine fellowes as they haue done 'T were sinne to reforme them TRV. Well I will haue 'hem fetch'd now I thinke on 't for a priuate purpose of mine doe CLERIMONT fetch 'hem and discourse to hem all that 's past and bring 'hem into the gallery here DAV This is thy extreme vanitie now thou think'st thou wert vndone if euery iest thou mak'st were not publish'd TRV. Thou shalt see how vniust thou art presently CLERIMONT say it was DAVPHINE'S plot Trust me not if the whole drift be not for thy good There 's a carpet i' the next roome put it on with this scarfe ouer thy face and a cushion o' thy head and bee ready when I call AMOROVS Away IOHN DAW DAW What good newes sir. TRV. Faith I haue followed and argued with him hard for you I told him you were a knight and a scholler and that you knew fortitude did consist magis patiendo quam faciendo magis ferendo quam feriendo DAW It doth so indeed sir. TRV. And that you would suffer I told him so at first he demanded by my troth in my conceipt too much DAW What was it sir. TRV. Your vpper lip and sixe o' your fore-teeth DAW 'T was vnreasonable TRV. Nay I told him plainely you could not spare 'hem all So after long argument pro con as you know I brought him downe to your two butter-teeth and them he would haue DAW O did you so why he shall haue 'hem TRV. But he shall not sir by your leaue The conclusion is this sir because you shall be very good friends hereafter and this neuer to bee remembred or vp-braided besides that he may not boast he has done any such thing to you in his owne person hee is to come here in disguise giue you fiue kicks in priuate sir take your sword from you and lock you vp in that studie during pleasure Which will be but a little while wee 'll get it releas'd presently DAW Fiue kicks he shall haue sixe sir to be friends TRV. Beleeue mee you shall not ouer-shoot your selfe to send him that word by me DAW Deliuer it sir. He shall haue it with all my heart to be friends TRV. Friends Nay and he should not be so and heartily too vpon these termes he shall haue me to enemie while I liue Come sir beare it brauely DAW O god sir 't is nothing TRV. True What 's sixe kicks to a man that reads SENECA DAW I haue had a hundred sir. TRV. Dauphine comes forth and kick him Sir AMOROVS No speaking one to another or rehearsing old matters DAW One two three foure fiue I protest sir AMOROVS you shall haue sixe TRV. Nay I told you should not talke Come giue him six he will needs Your sword Now returne to your safe custody you shall presently meet afore the ladies and be the dearest friends one to another Giue me the scarfe now thou shalt beat the other bare-fac'd Stand by sir AMOROVS LA-F. What 's here A sword TRV. I cannot helpe it without I should take the quarrell vpon my selfe here he has sent you his sword LA-F. I 'll receiue none on 't TRV. And he wills you to fasten it against a wall and breake your head in some few seuerall places against the hilts LA-F. I will not tell him roundly I cannot endure to shed my owne bloud TRV. Will you not LA-F. No. I 'll beat it against a faire flat wall if that will satisfie him If not he shall beat it himselfe for AMOROVS TRV. Why this is strange starting off when a man vnder-takes for you I offered him another condition Will you stand to that LA-F. I what is 't TRV. That you will be beaten in priuate LA-F. Yes I am content at the blunt TRV. Then you must submit your selfe to bee hood-wink'd in this skarfe and bee led to him where hee will take your sword from you and make you beare a blow ouer the mouth gules and tweakes by the nose sans numbre LA-F. I am content But why must I be blinded TRV. That 's for your good sir because if hee should grow insolent vpon this and publish it hereafter to your disgrace which I hope he will not doe you might sweare safely and protest hee neuer beat you to your knowledge LA-F. O I conceiue TRV. I doe not doubt but you 'll be perfect good friends vpon 't and not dare to vtter an ill thought one of another in future LA-F. Not I as god helpe me of him TRV. Nor he of you sir. If he should Come sir. All hid sir IOHN LA-F. Dauphine enters to tweake him Oh sir IOHN sir IOHN Oh Ô-Ô-Ô-Ô-Ô-Oh TRV. Good sir IOHN leaue tweaking you 'll blow his nose off 'T is sir IOHN'S pleasure you should retire into the studie Why now you are friends All bitternesse betweene you I hope is buried you shall come forth by and by DAMON PYTHIAS vpon 't and embrace with all the ranknesse of friendship that can be I trust wee shall haue 'hem tamer i'
sirs why stand you mute Are you stupid you are not worthy o' the benefit DAVP. Did not I tell you mischiefe CLE. I would you had plac'd this benefit somewhere else TRV. Why so CLE. Slight you haue done the most inconsiderate rash weake thing that euer man did to his friend DAVP. Friend if the most malicious enemy I haue had studied to inflict an iniury vpon me it could not bee a greater TRV. Wherein for gods-sake Gent come to your selues againe DAVP. But I presag'd thus much afore to you CLE. Would my lips had beene soldred when I spak on 't Slight what mou'd you to be thus impertinent TRV. My masters doe not put on this strange face to pay my courtesie off with this visor Haue good turnes done you and thanke 'hem this way DAVP. Fore heau'n you haue vndone me That which I haue plotted for and beene maturing now these foure moneths you haue blasted in a minute now I am lost I may speake This gentlewoman was lodg'd here by me o'purpose and to be put vpon my vncle hath profest this obstinate silence for my sake being my entire friend and one that for the requitall of such a fortune as to marry him would haue made mee very ample conditions where now all my hopes are vtterly miscaried by this vnlucky accident CLE. Thus 't is when a man will be ignorantly officious doe seruices and not know his why I wonder what curteous itch possess'd you you neuer did absurder part i' your life nor a greater trespasse to friendship to humanity DAVP. Faith you may forgiue it best 't was your cause principally DLE I know it would it had not CAVP How now CVTBERD what newes CVT. The best the happiest that euer was sir. There has beene a mad gentleman with your vncle this morning I thinke this be the gentleman that has almost talk'd him out of his wits with threatning him from marriage DAVP. On I pray thee CVT. And your vnkle sir hee thinkes 't was done by your procurement therefore he will see the party you wot of presently and if he like her he sayes and that she be so inclining to dombe as I haue told him he sweares hee will marry her to day instantly and not deferre it a minute longer DAVP. Excellent beyond our expectation TRV. Beyond your expectation by this light I knewe it would bee thus DAVP. Nay sweet TRVE-WIT forgiue me TRV. No I was ignorantly officious impertinent this was the absurd weake part CLE. Wilt thou ascribe that to merit now was meere fortune TRV. Fortune mere prouidence Fortune had not a finger in 't I saw it must necessarily in nature fall out so my genius is neuer false to me in these things Shew me how it could be otherwise DAVP. Nay gentlemen contend not t is well now TRV. Alasse I let him goe on with inconsiderate and rash and what he pleas'd CLE. Away thou strange iustifier of thy selfe to bee wiser then thou wert by the euent TRV. Euent By this light thou shalt neuer perswade me but I foresaw it aswell as the starres themselues DAVP. Nay gentlemen 't is well now doe you two entertaine sir IOHN DAW with discourse while I send her away with instructions TRV. I 'll be acquainted with her first by your fauour CLE. Master TRVE-WIT lady a friend of ours TRV. I am sorry I haue not knowne you sooner lady to celebrate this rare vertue of your silence CLE. Faith an' you had come sooner you should ha'seene and heard her well celebrated in sir IOHN DAW'S madrigalls TRV. IACK DAW god saue you when saw you LA-FOOLE DAW Not since last night master TRVE-WIT TRV. That 's miracle I thought you two had beene inseparable DAW Hee 's gone to inuite his guests TRV. Gods so t is true what a false memory haue I towards that man I am one I met him e'ne now vpon that he calls his delicate fine blacke horse rid into a foame with poasting from place to place and person to person to giue 'hem the cue CLE. Lest they should forget TRV. Yes there was neuer poore captaine tooke more paines at a muster to show men then he at this meale to shew friends DAW It is his quarter-feast sir. CLE. What! doe you say so sir IOHN TRV. Nay IACK DAW will not be out at the best friends hee has to the talent of his wit where 's his mistris to heare and applaud him is she gone DAW Is mistris EPICOENE gone CLE. Gone afore with sir DAVPHINE I warrant to the place TRV. Gone afore that were a manifest iniurie a disgrace and a halfe to refuse him at such a festiuall time as this being a Brauery and a Wit too CLE. Tut hee 'll swallow it like creame hee 's better read in iure ciuili then to esteeme any thing a disgrace is offer'd him from a mistris DAW Nay let her eene goe she shall sit alone and bee dumbe in her chamber a weeke together for IOHN DAW I warrant her do's she refuse me CLE. No sir doe not take it so to heart shee do's not refuse you but a little neglect you Good faith TRVE-WIT you were too blame to put it into his head that shee do's refuse him TRV. Shee do's refuse him sir palpably how euer you mince it An' I were as hee I would sweare to speake ne're a word to her to day for 't DAW By this light no more I will not TRV. Nor to any body else sir. DAW Nay I will not say so gentlemen CLE. It had beene an excellent happy condition for the company if you could haue drawne him to it DAW I 'll be very melancholique i'faith CLE. As a dog if I were as you sir IOHN TRV. Or a snaile or a hog-louse I would roule my selfe vp for this day introth they should not vnwinde me DAW By this pick-tooth so I will CLE. 'T is well done he beginnes already to be angry with his teeth DAW Will you goe gentlemen CLE. Nay you must walke alone if you bee right melancholique sir IOHN TRV. Yes sir wee 'll dog you wee 'll follow you a farre off CLE. Was there euer such a two yards of knighthood measur'd out by Time to be sold to laughter TRV. A meere talking mole hang him no mushrome was euer so fresh A fellow so vtterly nothing as he knowes not what he would be CLE. Let 's follow him but first let 's goe to DAVPHINE hee 's houering about the house to heare what newes TRV. Content Act II. Scene V. MOROSE EPICOENE CVTBERD MVTE. He goes about her and viewes her WElcome CVTBERD draw neere with you faire chardge and in her eare softly intreat her to vnmasque So. Is the dore shut inough Now CVTBERD with the same discipline I vse to my family I will question you As I conceiue CVTBERD this gentlewoman is shee you haue prouided and brought in hope shee will sit me in the place and person of a wife Answer me not but with your leg vnlesse
doe Goe your waies in and get tosts and butter made for the wood-cocks That 's a sit prouince for you CLE. Alas what a tyrannie is this poore fellow married too TRV. O but the sport will be anon when we get him loose DAV Dares he euer speake TRV. No Anabaptist euer rail'd with the like licence but marke her language in the meane time I beseech you M rs OT Gentlemen you are very aptly come My cosin sir AMOROVS will be here briefly TRV. In good time lady Was not sir IOHN DAW here to aske for him and the companie M rs OT I cannot assure you M r. TRVE-WIT Here was a very melancholy knight in a ruffe that demanded my subiect for some body a gentleman I thinke CLE. I that was he lady M rs OT But he departed straight I can resolue you DAV What an excellent choice phrase this lady expresses in TRV. O sir shee is the onely authenticall courtier that is not naturally bred one in the citie M rs OT You haue taken that report vpon trust gentlemen TRV. No I assure you the court gouernes it so lady in your behalfe M rs OT I am the seruant of the court and courtiers sir. TRV. They are rather your idolaters M rs OT Not so sir. DAV How now CVTBERD Any crosse CVT. O no sir Omnia bene 'T was neuer better o' the hinges all 's sure I haue so pleas'd him with a curate that hee 's gone too 't almost with the delight he hopes for soone DAV What is he for a vicar CVT. One that has catch'd a cold sir and can scarse bee heard sixe inches off as if he spoke out of a bull-rush that were not pickt or his throat were full of pith a fine quick fellow and an excellent barber of prayers I came to tell you sir that you might omnem mouere lapidem as they say be readie with your vexation DAV Gramercy honest CVTBERD be there abouts with thy key to let vs in CVT. I will not faile you sir Ad manum TRV. Well I 'll goe watch my coaches CLE. Doe and wee 'll send DAW to you if you meet him not M rs OT Is master TRVE-WIT gone DAV Yes lady there is some vnfortnnate businesse fallen out M rs OT So I iudg'd by the phisiognomy of the fellow that came in and I had a dreame last night too of the new pageant and my lady Maioresse which is alwaies very ominous to me I told it my lady HAVGHTY t'other day when her honour came hether to see some China stuffes and shee expounded it out of ARTEMIDORVS and I haue found it since very true It has done me many affronts CLE. Your dreame lady M rs OT Yes sir anything I doe but dreame o' the city It staynd me a damasque table-cloth cost me eighteen pound at one time and burnt me a blacke satten gowne as I stood by the fire at my ladie CENTAVRES chamber in the colledge another time A third time at the Lords masque it dropt all my wire and my ruffe with waxe-candle that I could not goe vp to the banquet A fourth time as I was taking coach to goe to Ware to meet a friend it dash'd me a new sute all ouer a crimson sattin doublet and blacke veluet skirts with a brewers horse that I was faine to goe in and shift mee and kept my chamber a leash of daies for the anguish of it DAVP. These were dire mischances lady CLE. I would not dwell in the citie and 't were so fatall to mee M rs OT Yes sir but I doe take aduise of my doctor to dreame of it as little as I can DAVP. You doe well mistris OTTER Mr s. OT Will it please you to enter the house farther gentlemen DAVP. And your fauour lady but we stay to speake with a knight sir IOHN DAW who is here come We shall follow you lady M rs OT At your owne time sir. It is my cosen sir AMOROVS his feast DAVP. I know it lady M rs OT And mine together But it is for his honour and therefore I take no name of it more then of the place DAVP. You are a bounteous kinswoman M rs OT Your seruant sir. Act III. Scene III. CLERIMONT DAW LA-FOOLE DAVPHINE OTTER WHy doe not you know it sir IOHN DAW DAW No I am a rooke if I doe CLE. I 'll tell you then shee 's married by this time And whereas you were put i' the head that shee was gone with sir DAVPHINE I assure you sir DAVPHINE has beene the noblest honestest friend to you that euer gentleman of your quality could boast off He has discouer'd the whole plot and made your mistris so acknowledging and indeed so ashamed of her iniurie to you that she desires you to forgiue her and but grace her wedding with your presence to day She is to be married to a very good fortune she saies his vnkle old MOROSE and she will'd me in priuate to tell you that she shall be able to doe you more fauours and with more securitie now then before DAW Did she say so i'faith CLE. Why what doe you thinke of mee sir IOHN aske sir DAVPHINE DAVP. Nay I beleeue you Good sir DAVPHINE did shee desire mee to forgiue her CLE. I assure you sir IOHN she did DAW Nay then I doe with all my heart and I 'll be iouiall CLE. Yes for looke you sir this was the iniury to you LA-FOOLE intended this feast to honour her bridale day and made you the propertie to inuite the colledge ladies and promise to bring her and then at the time shee should haue appear'd as his friend to haue giuen you the dor Whereas now sir DAVPHINE has brought her to a feeling of it with this kinde of satisfaction that you shall bring all the ladies to the place where shee is and be verie iouiall and there shee will haue a dinner which shall be in your name and so dis-appoint LA-FOOLE to make you good againe and as it were a sauer i' the man DAW As I am a knight I honour her and forgiue her hartily CLE. About it then presently TRVE-WIT is gone before to confront the coaches and to acquaint you with so much if hee meet you Ioyne with him and 't is well See here comes your Antagonist but take you no notice but be verie iouiall LA-F. Are the ladies come sir IOHN DAW and your mistris sir DAVPHINE you are exceeding welcome and honest master CLERIMONT Where 's my cossen did you see no collegiats gentlemen DAVP. Collegiats Doe you not heare sir AMOROVS how you are abus'd LA-F. How sir CLE. Will you speake so kindly to sir IOHN DAW that has done you such an affront LA-F. Wherein gentlemen let me be a sutor to you to know I beseech you CLE. Why sir his mistris is married to day to sir DAVPHINES vncle your cosens neighbour and hee has diuerted all the ladies and all your company thether to frustrate your provision
Clap but a ciuill gowne with a welt o' the one and a canonical cloake with sleeues o' the other and giue 'hem a few termes i' their mouthes if there come not forth as able a Doctor and compleat a Parson for this turne as may be wish'd trust not my election And I hope without wronging the dignitie of either profession since they are but persons put on and for mirths sake to torment him The Barber smatters latin I remember DAV Yes and OTTER too TRV. Well then if I make 'hem not wrangle out this case to his no comfort let me be thought a IACK DAW or LA-FOOLE or any thing worse Goe you to your ladies but first send for them DAV I will Act V. Scene I. LA-FOOLE CLERIMONT DAW MAVIS WHere had you our swords master CLERIMONT CLE. Why DAVPHINE tooke 'hem from the mad-man LA-F. And he tooke 'hem from our boyes I warrant you CLE. Very like sir. LA-F. Thanke you good master CLERIMONT Sir IOHN DAW and I are both beholden to you CLE. Would I knew how to make you so gentlemen DAW Sir AMOROVS and I are your seruants sir. MAV Gentlemen haue any of you a pen-and-inke I would faine write out a riddle in Italian for sir DAVPHINE to translate CLE. Not I in troth lady I am no scriuener DAW I can furnish you I thinke lady CLE. He has it in the haft of a knife I beleeue LA-F. No he has his boxe of instruments CLE. Like a surgean LA-F. For the mathematiques his squire his compasses his brasse pens and black-lead to draw maps of euery place and person where he comes CLE. How maps of persons LA-F. Yes sir of NOMENTACK when he was here and of the Prince of Moldauia and of his mistris mistris EPICoeNE CLE. Away he has not found out her latitude I hope LA-F. You are a pleasant gentleman sir. CLE. Faith now we are in priuate let 's wanton it a little and talke waggishly Sir IOHN I am telling sir AMOROVS here that you two gouerne the ladies where e're you come you carry the feminine gender afore you DAW They shall rather carry vs afore them if they will sir. CLE. Nay I beleeue that they doe withall But that you are the prime-men in their affections and direct all their actions DAW Not I sir AMOROVS is LA-F. I protest sir IOHN is DAW As I hope to rise i' the state sir AMOROVS you ha' the person LA-F. Sir IOHN you ha' the person and the discourse too DAW Not I sir. I haue no discourse and then you haue actiuitie beside LA-F. I protest sir IOHN you come as high from Tripoly as I doe euery whit and lift as many ioyn'd stooles and leape ouer 'hem if you would vse it CLE. Well agree on 't together knights for betweene you you diuide the kingdome or common-wealth of ladies affections I see it and can perceiue a little how they obserue you and feare you indeed You could tell strange stories my masters if you would I know DAW Faith we haue seene somewhat sir. LA-F. That we haue vellet petti-coates wrought smocks or so DAW I and CLE. Nay out with it sir IOHN doe not enuie your friend the pleasure of hearing when you haue had the delight of tasting DAW Why a doe you speake sir AMOROVS LA-F. No doe you sir IOHN DAW DAW I'faith you shall LA-F. I'faith you shall DAW Why we haue beene LA-F. In the great bed at Ware together in our time On sir IOHN DAW Nay doe you sir AMOROVS CRE. And these ladies with you Knights LA-F. No excuse vs sir. DAW We must not wound reputation LA-F. No matter they were these or others Our bath cost vs fifteene pound when we came home CLE. Doe you heare sir IOHN you shall tell me but one thing truely as you loue me DAW If I can I will sir. CLE. You lay in the same house with the bride here DAW Yes and conuerst with her hourely sir. CLE. And what humour is shee of is shee comming and open free DAW O exceeding open sir. I was her seruant and sir AMOROUS was to be CLE. Come you haue both had fauours from her I know and haue heard so much DAW O no sir. LA-F. You shall excuse vs sir we must not wound reputation CLE. Tut shee is married now and you cannot hurt her with any report and therefore speake plainely how many times yfaith which of you lead first Ha LA-F. Sir IOHN had her mayden-head indeed DAW O it pleases him to say so sir but sir AMOROVS knowes what 's what as well CLE. Do'st thou yfaith AMOROVS LA-F. In a manner sir. CLE. Why I commend you lads Little knowes Don Bride-groome of this Nor shall he for me DAW Hang him mad oxe CLE. SPeake softly here comes his nephew with the lady HAVGHTY Hee 'll get the ladies from you sirs if you looke not to him in time LA-F. Why if he doe wee 'll fetch 'hem home againe I warrant you Act V. Scene II. HAVGHTY DAVPHINE CENTAVRE MAVIS CLERIMONT I Assure you sir DAVPHINE it is the price and estimation of your vertue onely that hath embarqu'd me to this aduenture and I could not but make out to tell you so nor can I repent me of the act since it is alwayes an argument of some vertue in our selues that we loue and affect it so in others DAV Your ladiship sets too high a price on my weakenesse HAV. Sir I can distinguish gemmes from peebles DAV Are you so skilfull in stones HAV. And howsoeuer I may suffer in such a iudgement as yours by admitting equality of ranke or societie with CENTAVRE or MAVIS DAV You doe not madame I perceiue they are your mere foiles HAV. Then are you a friend to truth sir. It makes mee loue you the more It is not the outward but the inward man that I affect They are not apprehensiue of an eminent perfection but loue flat and dully CEN. Where are you my lady HAVGHTY HAV. I come presently CENTAVRE My chamber sir my Page shall show you and TRVSTY my woman shall be euer awake for you you need not feare to communicate anything with her for shee is a FIDELIA I pray you weare this iewell for my sake sir DAVPHINE Where 's MAVIS CENTAVRE CEN. Within madame a writing I 'll follow you presently I 'll but speake a word with sir DAVPHINE DAVP. With me madame CEN. Good sir DAVPHINE doe not trust HAVGHTY nor make any credit to her what euer you doe besides Sir DAVPHINE I giue you this caution shee is a perfect courtier and loues no body but for her vses and for her vses shee loues all Besides her physitians giue her out to be none o' the clearest whether she pay 'hem or no heau'n knowes and she 's aboue fiftie too and pargets See her in a fore-noone Here comes MAVIS a worse face then shee you would not like this by candle-light If you 'll come to my chamber one o' these mornings early or