Losse and Sense Are the great things charg'd on thee here To reade and minde and minde my Dear From him who grieves he hath no more But Words to leave Christ be thy Store 33. And because I know not how the door of Oportunity may stand open or shut the Day drawing near of Tryal I shall give you an account of my Self and dealings that if possible you may wipe off some Dirt or be the more content to carry it in which I shall mainly apply my self to these late troubles I was the Son of considerable Parents from Foy in Cornwall my Father a Merchant his Ancestors driven thither from Antwerp for Religion I mean the Reformed my Mother of the same Town of a very ancient Family the Name Treffey of Place or the Place in that Town of which I would not boast These lived in very great abundance their Losses at Sea grew very great in the midst of which Losses my elder Brother being at Oxford I was sent to Cambridge and that Estate I had by an Uncle I left with my Mother and lived at the University and a little from thence about eight years took my Degree of Master of Arts where I spent some years vainly enough being but 14 years old when thither I came my Tutor died I was expos'd to my shifts Coming from thence at London God struck me with the sense of my sinful estate by a Sermon I heard under Pauls which was about 40 years since which Text was The burden of Dumah or Idumea and stuck fast This made me to go into Essex And after being quieted by another Sermon in that Country and the Love and Labours of Mr. Thomas Hooker I there Preacht there married with a good Gentlewoman till I went to London to ripen my Studies not intending to preach at all where I attended Dr Gouge Sibs and Davenports Ministry with others and I hope with some profit But in short time was forced to preach by importunity of Friends having had a Licence from Dr. Mountain B. of London before and to Sepulchers I was brought by a very strange providence for preaching before at another place and a young man receiving some good would not be satisfied but I must preach at Sepulchers once monthly for the good of his Friends in which he got his end if I might not shew vanity and he allowed Thirty pounds per Annum to that Lecture but his person unknown to me he was a Chandler and dyed a good man and Member of Parliament At this Lecture the Resort grew so great that it contracted envie and anger Though I believe above an hundred every week were perswaded from sin to Christ I wish I may not be judged for saying so There was six or seven thousand Hearers and the Circumstances fit for such good work But I am tender there I had some trouble who could not conform to all and went to Holland where I was five or six years not without the presence of God in my Work But many of my Acquaintance going for New-England had engaged me to come to them when they sent which accordingly I did And truly my reason for my self and others to go was meerly not to offend Authority in that difference of Judgment and had not the Book for Encouragement of Sports on the Sabbath come forth many had staid That good man my dear firm Friend Mr. White of Dorchester and Bishop Lake occasioned yea founded that Work and much in reference to the Indians of which we did not fail to attempt with good success to many of their souls through God's blessing See Bishop Lake's Sermon 1 King 8.37 who profest to Mr. White of Dorchester he would go himself with us but for his age for which we had the late Kings gracious Patent Licence and Encouragement There I continued seven years till sent hither by the Plantation to mediate for ease in Customes and Excise the Country being poor and a tender Plant of their own setting and manuring But coming hither found the Nation imbroiled in those Civil Discontents Jars and Wars and here was forced to stay though I had nothing to support me but the Parliaments Promises And not being able in a short time to compass my Errand studied with a constant purpose of Returning and went with the first to Ireland most of your London Godly Ministers being engaged in Person Purse and Preaching in this Trouble I thought Ireland the clearest Work and had the Pay of a Preacher then and afterward as I could get it I was not here at Edge-hill nor the Bishop of Canterburies troubles or death Upon my Return was staid again from going home by the Earl of Warwick my Patron then by the Earl of Essex afterwards by the Parliament who at last gave me an Estate now taken away I had access to the King about my New-England business he used me civilly I in requital offered my poor thoughts three times for his safety I never had hand in contriving or acting his Death as I am scandalized but the contrary to my mean power I was never in any Councils or Cabal at any time I hated it and had no stowâ—ge for Counsel thinking all Government should lie open to all nor had penny from any General but lived in debt as now I am nor had means for my Expences what I had others shared in I confesse I did what I did strenuously though with a weak head being over-laid with my own and others troubles never was angry with any of the King's Party noâ— any of them for being so though the Parliament-Authority lawfull and never studied it much have not had my hand in any manâ— bloud but saved many in Lifâ— and Estate The Parliament iâ— 1644 gave me the Bishops Book valued at 140 l. which I intendeâ— for New England being a part 〈◊〉 his private Library which wiâ—â— all mine own I have often offereâ— for 150 l. the mistake about theâ—â— was and is great for they nevâ—â— were so considerable And theâ—â— were my gettings who never aiâ—ed to be rich nor ever had meaâ— to reach it The Changes grâ—â— as you see a Commonwealth found but thus altered I staid so long at White-hall contented with any good Government that would keep things together till the breach of that they call Richards Parliament and then I removed and never returned more but fell sick long and in trouble ever since never was summoned but once by the Council which was in April about Books of which lying sick I craved of the President of the Council to excuse me who sent unto me he had and I gave him an account of the Books but hearing that my Estate was gone and I indebted was private and did purpose so to live and so to die having a resolution which I kept never to meddle with State-matters but either here or in New-England to spend my old age in looking into my Grave and Eternity and never had to do with any
this you must know that all labour tends not to growth no more than Ants grow in bulk though very much in labour Every great Hearer is not a great Grower Nay a tree may grow in parts though not in all Grow soundly in the Root Jesus Christ and the Freeness of his Grace and then you wil not grow as Weeds do but as good Grain To which purpose I advise you observe what you gain against Corruption and so much you may hope you may thrive in Grace as the House of David and the House of Saul Do not therefore keep the Devils counsel but let some able Friend watch you to whom communicate your Decays or Growth When a Ship is observed by a Land-mark her way is easily observed Therfore mind much this one thing in all make much of a Rule and keep to it as few under the warm Gospel but know whether they be hypocrites or otherwise Even so you shall feel your Growth An old stock will not serve turn which hath been the delusion of many when every day needs new Incomes of the Spirit and so advancement to Heaven Long to grow strive to grow bewail decayes grow in both the Tables Duties The Apostle tells us of growth from Vertue yea at last to patience by affliction if we hear the Rod c. Christ's method is He hath all Grace He giveth out what he pleaseth He maintains what he gives He perfects what he maintains He crowns what he perfects And thus Christ loves you more than ever you could hate him without whose watering by his Blood you can never grow The best Evidence of Growth is to grow more humble more holy attend that well and see how it is from Meal to Meal from one Sabbath to another one Sermon to another are you fed or surfeited A very very little Grace if true is saving a little Growth if right is comforting Believe and live Believe and grow all decays comes through want of Faith to fetch blood from the life vein the Lord Christ The South North blow upon thee for Growth my Child 7. In all things as you will have use so you need to study Conscience well for it eats drinks walks sleeps buyes sells accompanies you to every duty service work doing or suffering for which you have Ames his Cases and some others It is a judging your self according to the judgment of God I write none of these Heads to you as intending any common place which this and others would make but only to leave with you a few practical thoughts upon each Our Saviour made the Jews to buy a Knife to cut their own throats when he told them the Parable of the Servants and Son sent and killed and so the Spirit by the Jews Isa. 5. when he made them impannel a Jury among themselves and by Conscience their Judge So Nathan by David it is a witness with a witness and Judge Paramount therefore I wish you to observe it narrowly if you suffer it to be defiled with the least sin whilst it hath life you may hear of it and therefore Samuel and Paul in all kept all clear there the least filth must be washt out by the Blood of Christ David paid dear for it Cains Building and Sauls Harping will do but little to cure it it may be quiet and good unquiet and good and so on the other hand but this I have noted that false Lights or dim ones have helpt much to the violation of it present things and the out-sides of things have also broke in upon it and in sinning whether the wound be in the Head or Conscience first is a question but not hardly resolved Your wisdom will be to live upon a directing word and then Conscience will make a soft bed for you in your greatest sorrow A wounded Conscience who can bear Go to our first Parent and he will tell you so who might have gathered fruit to eat rather than leaves to cover himself Do not grieve Conscience twice it must be your best friend yea when friends and world and all leave you to sollitariness If it whimper a little do not make it roar out and yet do not stifle it but attend it and carry it up to Mount Calvary for peace Remember good Conscience and Sin cannot live together Let but this Bird sing sweetly within and let Heaven and Earth come together thou shalt be safe my poor Child 8. Next I am to remember you that you have much work to do in a little time which calls you up to labour as the Day the Lark and the Lark the Husbandman Eccles. 12. the whole Chapter I hope you have it About Redemption of time you have many Treatises The greatest of your work in your short time is to get Christ and live upon him and to him And this is the life of Faith which you can never live unless Faith have to live upon it self which will digest nothing but word and promises Therefore now you are young lay in a good Stock for Faith to live on but you must do it seasonably you are young I say and may have a little time before you which certainly hath Eternity hanging upon it called a Race a Day or Hour the old World had their Day Jerusalem a Day the Gospel is called the Day of Grace Therefore lay in seasonably and not only so but abundantly for your market may be at the highest foolish Virgins had Oyl in their Lamps none in their Vessels Store is no Sore for you know not what Promises you may need for Want for Reproach for Sickness and Death The Kingdom of Heaven must suffer Violence Violent Faith Love Prayer must storm it The time will come when wishes will not help your own Works and Righteousness will fail Lastly Lay up your stock for Faith conveniently that you may reach a word when you need it most Ah that you would be wise Ask your heart at night what you have done that day in this point because every night may be your last Therefore secure your Principles walk up to the compass of every duty clear your Evidences keep close Communion with God Look out to growing Evils and fit for them And these is the work of your Generation I say it is your work you may easier make barrs to the Sea and order the Influences of Heaven than call back yesterday Therefore work and pray repent believe get assurances of Heaven to day I say to day and be happy for ever Dear Child 9. I must also invite you to Content in a Low Condition for which you have great furtherance as Mr. Burroughs for Contentment whose Writings are all savory But for my own thoughts they are these That though many write and speak of the Contempt of the World some cloyster up themselves from it yet very few are Masters of this Art which the Apostle himself had been long learning Constitution Age Experience Parts Afflictions Fulness Honor Glory will
like the Squiril leaping from Tree to Tree and Bough to Bough Be much at Home and you will find work enough as long as you keep Christ and sin before you you will have work enough for your Thoughts and if your Fancy be not well fed your Thoughts like Milstones will grinde themselves Spirits rais'd and not imploy'd will torment the Witch that rais'd them And if you set not your self on work the Devil will mark but the several Trees of fruit or others they grow in their own roots and change not Be content to be a shrub Cedars will shake and never desire to be near Greatness Honour often dies grinning and ghastly Our business must be our own as well as our Crosses To meddle with other mens work will be thankless as to take other mens Physick will be useless if not dangerous An hours Idleness is a sin as well as an hours Drunkenness Few mens feet stand before Princes because few mens hands are diligent The Maid was possest because the Devil found her in his own house viz. a Play-house The Busie-body is but a Pedler to carry up and down and vend the Devils Wares How few lose any thing by quietness and doing their own work Their sweet sleep commends it David got his great wound upon this neglect and Peter his by warming his Hands when he should have been breaking his heart in secret Oh keep home keep home I speak experience to you who never found good hour but in mine own work Nor doth this cut off works of Love or Charity which must be attended in their seasons and by their Rules The cure of this evil lies much in Studying duty the end of your Creation being the practice of Saints that though you work here ease is in Heaven all your labour is little enough for your own business be alwayes ready to say I am where the Lord would have me to be How bitter is the remembrance of good hours ill spent How cuting of time lost Death knows no distance whether King or Bishop or Pawn all at the end of the Game is put into one Bag the Grave Be doing your own work what ever your condition be Tell me what our blessed Lord did but the work he was sent about Be like him in this as in all things else and that Spirit of the Lord Jesus be with thee My dear Heart 13. Through your whole course let Truth have its way and do not make Lyes your Refuge they will mock you in the end Mr Reynor and others have written largely about the words and the Tongue but none to James the Apostle You see I do not load you in any thing with Heathens Fathers Poets and their Apothegms which are many in these Cases which I purposely avoid as tickling the ear when often they reach not the heart A Schollar yea a School-boy may gather them but the Truth of God set on by his Spirit must make you consistent All the World is hung with lyes and all of man Proclaims so much Cloaths Meats Trades Salutations yea our Profession of Religion All men are Lyers and all things on this side Christ a Lie The Prince of the Ayre makes it his work who was the Father of Lies Christ calls for Yea and Nay onely I wish in Christianity we could find this Christianity Heathenâ— and Turks shame us it is the blot of the Nation as if we were Lyars in the Womb the sin even lives and dyes with us you may not tell a Lye for God The Prophet Zechary put Peace and Truth together as if they could not be asunder Zech 8.15 16 19. The Root is the Heart from whose abundance the Tongue speaketh Oh the falsness and deceit of this little thing Not a Breakfast for a Kite Away with that distinction of Jocous or Friendly Lyes Psal. 101. David will have no Lyer with him Truth takes in all good Religion God ownes none where it is not Hypocrisie is a Lye Friend Name Credit Estate Beauty Honour c. are full of Lyes John 6. Christ the Truth as well as Life and Way Though every untruth be not a Lye where it is not spoken with a purpose to deceive so men distinguish your care must be to trade with your heart Nathaniels heart was honest and so without guile good feed fell into an honest heart Truth is naked beware of base Coverings Let your conversation be without Guile without a Lie the Lord is the Heart-searcher Sow up your Mouth but let it be with Honestie not Policie As you never hurt your self by speaking little so will you never gain any thing by telling a Lie Let others call this sin a Virtue but do you call it by its own name and hate it as Poison Let Truth be thy Portion it will preserve you and ever say I can do nothing against the Truth dear Child 14. And what I said last urgeth me to commend Wisdom to you which is a very comprehensive word and is justified of her Children But I mean not the Wisdom of this world whether natural or artificial I intend Scripture Wisdom which is from above And this is a Light that God sets up in the Soul to direct us and affect us in our whole course Joh 28. last The Fear of the Lord that is Wisdom and to depart from Evil that is Understanding If you be wise be wise for your self To have all Books in ones Head and want this Catechism in the Heart will never amount to it Many great Clerks not wise many a Statist falls short But this will make you hear Prov. 1.5 It will make you lay a sure Foundation Matth. 7. the Wise Builder This will make you provide for Changes Luke 16.8 This will make you lay in abundantly Matth. 25. the Virgins were wise This will make you bear sorrow Eccles. 7.4 And truly this is Wisdom and the Helps hereunto are to become a Fool 1 Cor. 3.18 To number your dayes that so you may apply your heart to Wisdom To beg it of God Jam. 1.5 But above all to make Christ your Wisdom 1 Cor. 1. last Oh that you were thus wise Much of Wit must be pared off before it will be usefull I have seen the wayes of it though never could pretend much to it But this I know that being unsanctified it is a sword in a mad-mans hand spends it self in vanity foolish jesting abuse of those who are weaker than our selves yea often to play with the blessed Word of God But this Wisdom will guide preserve honour you How doth Solomon admire it in the Proverbs bids you seek it love it follow after it and this is Christ himself You shall never have comfort in suffering for Folly therefore see the plague and hide which hath invited some so to do often Experience which is the observation of many Events will help you much in this study be much in the Word which will make you wise to Salvation Let your Companions
be the Children of Wisdom Judge of all things by this Wisdom which will make you look upon them by Eternity To the only wise God I commend you dear Child 15. There are two very great Turns in mans Life the one is a lawful Calling the other is Marriage and miscarriages in either are almost irrecoverable For the former I must say the lesse because of your sex though your present condition may lead you to the service of others and then know Fidelity and Diligence are your duties your time and parts will then be anothers not your own Eye-service will not be acceptable to God or man much lesse comfortable to your self Many have written upon this subject as Dr. Gouge and others For Marriage though your present estate according to the world renders you many wayes hopeless yet your times are in Gods hands and daily Experience with my own will let you know that as it is the joyning together of one Man and one Woman lawfully in an indissolvable bond either for an help procreation of Children which were before the Fall or a remedy against Sin since that so it hath many Concernments in it where Goodness and Sutableness are the primary ingredients And as the Husbands duty is Love Teaching Providing Honouring c. So the Wifes must be Subjection suitable to that Love in all the parts of it And these dnties need mutual supports And this Conjugateness like a yoke must still be lin'd with more Love to make the draught easie Against this Love the Devil and Temptations will be striving People so engaged need a Standard even the Word to be set up to guide all by They need to observe each others spirits They need to pray out not quarrel out their first brablings They need at first to dwell much in their own duties before they step into each others When Repentance comes too late the best is to be made of the present condition Read Pro. 31. Oh the bitterness of unequal Matches Oh their ruine and misery I ever left you free and do only marry in and for the Lord The sensual part of that condition can never answer the incumbrances may attend it Let Christ be your Husband and he will provide you one to his own liking do nothing herein without Prayer Scripture and Counsel The Lord love you My dear Child 16. For the World I mean the People in it and that part of it the Lord hath set you in I have very much to say because my days in it are not a few as we account Believe our Saviour and the Word Joh. 16. last and you will find that in the World you shall have Tribulation and your passage out of it must be through many Tribulations and Persecutions too if you will live godly The World loves her own You must look upon it as your Enemy and use it so take what you may lawfully from it and imbrace not this present World It will kisse you and kill you like a Sea of Glasse it soon cracks though it glisters and when you have Iron shooes that tread upon it how soon may you drop in The World will give you no more credit than you have of the World to maintain it and therfore whilst you are in the World though you may know many yet be acquainted with few and even trust none Be sure you get nothing unlawfully it hath fire in it to destroy Sweat is our portion here below and whatsoever is gained by your own labour will be sweetest dearest and of longest continuance with you And do not borrow You may wonder why the World is generally imbittered to God's Children and why the way to Canaan was paved with so many difficulties Oh know it is to keep us humble to draw forth the exercise of his Attributes viz. Power Wisdom Mercy and the exercise of our gifts graces Prayer Faith Patience c. he will have the use of what he hath given yea hereby Heaven is made dear and sweet to us the storm commends the haven prison liberty sickness health and sin and sorrow Heaven where the double vail of Corruption and Affliction shall be taken off and we shall be with the Lord for ever Many dying men speak much about the Vanity of the World But truly as I would not die in a pet so I would not quarrel with or leave the World because I could be no greater in it but because I not do nor be better in it and that God is pleased I should leave it for a better I wish I had never been vain in a vain World but I appeal to and plead with Christ for my peace So use the World as if you used it not for the World hath a principle of decay in all the glory of it Dote not on it my poor Child 17. And whilest I am in the World and advising about it there is a great Raritie in the World if you could reach it and that is a Friend which is a Commoditie so very scarce that it will be your wisdom so to look upon a Friend this day as likely to be an Enemy to morrow How manie sad Experiences can I witness to of this kind yea in these times and changes Fair Dove-coats have most Pigeons Lost Estates know no Friends Joh and all the Saints complain David sadly Paul had none to stand by him You see most men now are either upon their own securitie or preferments one cries My Friend betrayed me another My Friend failed me and some cry All flesh is false and much I could say but that other causes are to be attended above instrumental They say Two may keep counsel if one be away So hard it is to get a Friend and if you have many you have hardly any The Friend I commend is a Soul-friend which you will never find among Children Fools or Prophane An Experienced Christian Friend I intend who must have three qualifications he or she must have the art and skill of a Friend few know it must have the bowels and mercie of a Friend which most want and lastly must have Faithfulness the great ingredient if such an one you can find you shall enjoy their Experiences freely you shall constantly be carried to God in their Prayers you shall have sympathie and help in your troubles The Spirit of Christ is a healing saving Spirit and such is theirs To such open your heart clearly who will never upbraid you for Confessions and know when Foundations shake you will need a Master-builder or Workman such is a good Friend and wise To get such an one must be your care and to keep must be your diligence Walk not unworthy of the mercy if you gain it Kinsman will not make it no nor a Brother though born for adversitie Your hopes may be these if the Lord promise When your wayes please him your Enemies shall be at peace with you He can raise a Friend and Himself be your best Friend To whom I
Funeral Sermons you may reade about it I say Life is sweet and Death terrible many in several distempers may call for it neither minding what it is nor whither it leads Job describes it in his Agony and Heathens could say The first good was not to be born and the next to dye quickly Paul above any desires it upon right grounds Yea the last words in the Canticles and the last in the Bible are for the Lord Jesus to come quickly yea to come to judgment as if it were the breathings of the spirits of the Just in the last times of which spirit if you be these will be your Reasons as theirs First That you may see Him of whom you have heard so much who hath done and suffered so much for you Secondly That you may have full draughts of what you now tast only Thirdly That your Beloved may come to you or you to Him for whose sake and love you may undergo here many frowns brow-beatings if not worse thus the absent Spouse waits for her Beloved Fourthly When the Sanctuary is troden upon Isa. 64.1 Fifthly That the double Vail of Corruption and Affliction may be taken off from you Thus to wish for Death is to wish for Life These things I pray study and to help you further remember Balaam would fain die the Death of the Righteous which you can never do unless you live the Life of the Godly to which I have written so much before Only let me adde That you must live in daily Expectation of this great Change for though there be but one way into the World there are many out I know nothing to sweeten it but the Death of Christ who suckt out the poison of it and saves to the uttermost Romans and Fools can dye bravely write their own Elegies I am sure a well-led life is the best Monument If one at your door should cry every morning You must dye it would not reach far but Christ dyed for you My Child 30. They say and truly Where Death leaves you there Judgment finds you Nothing flies so swiftly than as the soul out of the body and you know Eternity hangs upon a moment and such is our Life and especially such is the last groan and pang and thither it leads It is a vast Ocean hath neither bound nor bottom where you are to come before an impartial Judge with a naked and open breast it is unavoidable and the miscarriage there intolerable Many Books are written by many about these last things and Apothegmes not a few the World and the Flesh will not appear for you the former can lend you but a few Ceremonies and Complements the other dare go no further than the Judges door but a good Conscience sprinkled by the Blood of Christ will enter with boldness and plead and hear the voice of Come ye blessed Your wisdome will be to carry your Pardon in your bosome there Wit and Learning Parts and Wealth will get no hearing there the Eloquent Orator is dumb no Coin is currant but the Blood of a loving Saviour No man can appear there by any other Proxy there Greatness must give way to Goodness there Hypocrisie is unmask'd Truth naked there your fellow Saints shall sit Judges though dispised amongst men there the Son of man shall appear because despised as the Son of man there Preaching Miracles Casting out Devils will not profit but a Name written in the Book of the Lamb Oh that you would consider betimes what a nothing a thousand years are to Eternity yea where you shall be an hundred years hence if the Grave make no distance betwixt the Scepter and the Mattock what will Eternity do when that shall make the difference Wherfore I pray measure all your works by Eternity eat drink sleep work by Eternity the cry of a damned soule is I never minded Eternity how many are every day carrying faggots to burn them to Eternity Call that good that holds for ever Let but the Judge be your Husband and fear nothing The ever-living God love you and keep you to all Eternity My Child 31. And because I have brought you so far as the Great Day give me leave to awaken you with the condition of the place Heaven and to let you know it in the particulars which are the presence of all good and the absence of all evil the former commends it self unto you in these First in the universality of it whereas all things here below are but partial so in the suitableness of it they are there spiritual and suitable to the Spirit Secondly for their Continance the good things are not like Cherries drawn by the lips or Comforts tasted and gone but they stay and are good for ever Thirdly Evil knows no place there Sin cannot dwell with that Holiness Sorrow cannot mingle it self with that Joy no more fading Riches dying Friends changing Honors perishing Beauty no more aking heads nor languishing diseases no more hearing the chain of the Prisoner nor anger of the Oppressor no cry of what do you lack every Bottle is full and every Bed easie being of never-blasting Roses and Sweets where every Room is paved with Love where Wisdom Power Mercy and Grace have combined to make all glorious and pleasant Then never be troubled about a dunghil-world when the Apostle to the Thessalonians sayes all in a few words We shall be with the Lord for ever and that includes all answers all hard Questions all hard Labours under the Sun Remember the Swaggerer that met the poor man ever mourning over his sins quoth he What still mourning c. But what if there be no Heaven Ah Sir quoth the other what if there be a Hell The Doctrine of Hell was never enough preach'd some thinks and there on the contrary is the presence of all evil and the absence of all good you may study it by the former where the Tormented never die and the Tormentor is never weary where thought and fear despair punishment extremity meet altogether in Eternity The Father of our Lord Jesus Christ preserve you to his Heavenly Kingdom My poor Child Union with Christ and Knowledge sound The Scriptures reade in Pray'r be found A constant Watch and growth in Grace Good Conscience Time short Work apace Contentment in Condition Low No Trifling Spirit in you grow Nor Busie nor Pragmatical Truth still appearing in your All Wisdom directing soon and late In Calling and in Marriage-state The World describ'd in its bad wayes A Friend indeed beyond all praise And Sin the Mother of all Grief Grace often question'd for relief With Providences running crosse Fears sinfull causing Doubts and Losse Dayes of Adversity and Evil Errors that spring from Self and Devil Sabbath for Rest and Worshipping And Free-grace pitying pardoning With accurate and holy walking Hard to believe though easie talking Death ghastly looking and Sins daughter With Judgment that will follow after Heav'n in its great Magnificence Hell's punishment in
Transactions with Souldiers or others nor never would had I a longer life my head and heart be tired as well as my body craz'd I thought the Act of Indempnity would have included me but the hard Character upon me excluded me which I was so sensible of that Nature in its own preservation carried me to privacy but free from that report of the manner which is suggested of which you may be assured By my Zeal it seems I have exposed my self to all manner of reproach but wish you to know that besides your Mother I have had no fellowship that way with any Woman since first I knew her having a godly Wife before also I blesseâ— God But because what is before written may seem my white side only I shall deal in all plainness with you That though for Religion I am and have been really sound and Orthodox to my best apprehension according to the blessed Word of God and the generality of the Protestant Confessions yea though I travell'd through Protestant Churches for Order to espy the best and have joyned with the Churches of Christ and took in with that I call a Tender Presbytery for such was ours in New-England and yet so as I never unchurcht any Parish where a godly Minister was and godly People joyned together though not all so and do know God may have a People under all Forms and would withdraw to the furthest Judges rather than give offence to what I cannot close with yet so unworthy have my thoughts been of my self to be a meet Preacher of the Gospel that more than twice I had given it over had not Friends prevailed yea my profession of the Gospel hath been with much folly weakness and vanity I crave pardon of any that have taken offence though in a Christian way I have not had the reproofs of Three either for Preaching or Conversation I am heartily sorry I was Popular and known better to others than my self It hath much lain to my heart above any thing almost That I left that People I was engaged to in New-England it cuts deeply I look upon it as a Root-evil and though I was never Parson nor Vicar never took Ecclesiastical promotion never preach'd upon any agreement for money in my life though not without offers and great ones yet I had a Flock I say I had a Flock to whom I was ordained who were worthy of my Life and Labours but I could never think my self fit to be their Pastor so unaccomplisht for such a work for which who is sufficient cryes the Apostle This is my sore trouble and a private life would have become me best and my poor gift have had its vent also But here I was overpowered to stay For Errors in judgment I have pittied never closed with any that I know when I was a Tryer of others I went to hear and gain Experience rather than to judge When I was called about mending Laws I rather was there to pray than mend Laws When to judge in Wills I only went sometimes to learn and help the Poor than to judge but in all these I confesse I might well have been spared Nor do I take pleasure in remembring any my least activity in State-matters though this I can say I no where minded who ruled fewer or more so the good ends of Government be given out in which men may live in Godliness and Honesty I have often said That is a good Government where men may be as good as they can not so bad as they would where good men and things are uppermost and have thought if good Magistrates cannot bring all to their Judgments the Dissenters may have liberty being kept out of Office and want some other publick Characters That which a Friend of mine and my self writ by Letters about Magistrates was very little and the Records of the Tower were only named as giving way to all other Records to cut off dissentions or marks of Tyranny which no good Prince will exercise I am sorry if any offended it was Zeal for Quietnesse I honour Laws and good Lawyers heartily and know their use only ease expedition and cheapness what good man doth not call for Sedition is the heating mens minds against the present Authority in that I never was yet sorry Authority should have any hard thoughts of me or know so inconsiderable a creature as my self I never could be fit for a Court many wayes not fit and am therefore grieved that I was either constrained or content to live where I could do so little good for I would dye without a secret in my bosom unless Cases of Conscience in the way of Preaching which are secret indeed and for reading them to the World I had appointed a Portion if it had been continued to me Upon all this you may ask what design I drove being look'd upon that way Truly these three First That Goodness that which is really so and such Religion might be highly advanced Secondly That good Learning might have all Countenance Thirdly That there may not be a Beggar in Israel in England And for all these I have projected or laboured and I have no other And these I pray his present Majesty may look to and that God would blesse him every way If in the prosecution of these I have used any of my wonted rudenesse or unguided zeal I am heartily as sorry So begging pardon from God and Man Constitution or Custom I conclude in these particulars though the aim be good I conclude the former thus I think That as bad men care not who rule or what is uppermost so they may have their lusts so good men if they may enjoy God and his Truth with good Conscience For my whole course you know and feel where my wound hath been these Twenty years which hath occasioned not only my Head and Heart breaking but travelling from mine own Nest into businesse Blesse God if ever you meet with suitablenesse in Marriage For my spirit it wanted weight through many tossings my head that composure others have credulous and too careless but never mischievous nor malicious I thought my work was to serve others and so mine own Garden not so well culticated only this I say I aimed at a good mark and trust the Lord in Jesus Christ hath accepted it My Faith in the Everlasting Covenant was and is though feeble yet Faith I could thus continue ripping my whole heart to you who have very often had great success even to the last hour of my last Preaching and am preaching the life of Faith to my self to which call in all prayers to the Father in Jesus Christ his dearest Son to whom let us look as the Author and Finisher of our Faith who for the joy that was set before him endured the Crosse despised the Shame and now sits at the right hand of Majestie making Intercession for Transgressors Heb. 12.12 To whom be Glory and Praise and Thanks for ever For he is worthy