is by nature and kinde an ennemy of the good vnlesse some-body imagine that the seede and roote of a naughty Sycophant ought to remaine in the Citty as it were for store or good husbandry Demosthenes was as deepely wise as highly eloquent and hath many such notable sentences as it were Caueats or Prouisoes against the daungerous ennemies of that flourishing Citty and especially against Calumniatours whose viperous sting hee could by no meanes avoide albeit otherwise such an Oratour as could allure heartes with perswasion or coniure mindes with astonishment I would no other Citty loued figges or must an other Citty of necessity loue figges because it is growne an other Athens a mother of eloquence a nurse of learning a grandame of valour a seat of honor and as Aristotle termed Athens a garden of Alcinous wherein one fruite ripeneth vpon an other one peare vppon an other one grape vpon an other and one figge vppon an other The Sycophant be his owne interpreter if he may be licensed or permitted to bee his owne caruer too much good may it doe him and sweete digestion geue him ioy of his dainety figg I must haue a little care of one that caÌ„not easily brucke vnreasonable sawcinesse would be loth to see the garden of Alcinous made the garden of Greene or Motley It was wont to be said by way of a Prouerbe Hee that will be made a sheepe shall find wolues inough but forsooth this exceeding-wise world is a great Asse-maker and he that will suffer himselfe to be proclaimed an Asse in printe shall bee sure neuer to want loade and loade inough Who so ready to call her neighbour a skold as the rankest skold of the parish or who so forward to accuse to debase to reuile to crow-treade an other as the arrantest fellow in a country Let his owne mouth be his pasport or his owne penne his warrant who so leawd as his greatest aduersary modesty or so honest as his deerest frend villany or so learned as his learnedest counsell vanity or so wise as his profoundest Autor young Apuleius What familiar spirite of the Ayre or fire like the glibb nimble witt of young Apuleius or where is the Eloquence that should describe the particular perfections of young Apuleius Prudence may borrow discretion Logique arguments Rhetorique coulours Phantasy conceites Steele an edge and Gold a luster of young Apuleius O the rare and queint Inuention ô the gallant and gorgeous Elocution ô the braue and admirable amplifications ó the artificiall and fine extenuations ô the liuely pourtraitures of egregious prayses and disprayses ô the cunning and straunge mingle-mangles ô the pithy iestes and maruelous girdes of yong Apuleius the very prodigality of Art and Nature What greater impossibility then to decipher the high and mighty stile of young Apuleius without a liberall portion of the same eleuate spirite Happy the old father that begat and thrise happy the sweete Muses that suckled and fostered young Apuleius Till Admiration hath found-out a smoother and tricksier quill for the purpose Desire must be content to leaue the supple and tidy constitution of his omni-sufficient Witt vndisplayed Onely it becommeth gentle mindes to yeeld themselues thanckefull and to tender their bounden duety to that inestimable pearle of Eloquence for this precious glimze of his incomprehensible valour one shorte Maxime but more worth then all the Axioms of Aristotle or the Idees of Plato or the Aphorismes of Hippocrates or the Paragraphes of luftinian He knoweth not to manage his penne that was not born with an Affe in his mouth a foole in his throate and a knaue in his whole body Simple men may write against other or pleade for themselues but they cannot confute cuttingly like a hackster of Queen-Hith or bellow lustely like the foreman of the Heard I goe not about to discouer an Asse in an Oxes hide hee needeth no other to pull him by the famous eares that is so hasty to descry and so busy to bestirre his wisest partes but what a notable Asse indeede was I that sought the winges of a mounting Pegasus or a stying Phenix where I found the head feete of a braying creature Some promises are desperate debtes and many threatninges empty cloudes or rather armies fighting in the ayre terrible visions Simplicity cannot dubble and plaine dealing will not dissemble I looked either for a fine-witted man as quicke as quick-siluer that with a nimble dexterity of liuely conceite and exquisite secretaryship would out-runne mee many hundred miles in the course of his dainty deuises a delicate minion or some terrible bombarder of tearmes as wilde as wildfire that at the first flash of his fury would leaue me thunder-stricken vpon the ground or at the last volley of his outrage would batter me to dust and ashes A redoubted aduersary But the trimine silke-worme I looked-for as it were in a proper contempt of common finenesse prooueth but a silly glow-woorme and the dreadfull enginer of phrases in steede of thunderboltes shooteth nothing but dogboltes and catboltes and the homeliest boltes of rude folly Such arrant confuting stuffe as neuer print saw compiled together till maâ—…ster Villany became an Autor and Sir Nash a gentleman Printers take hede how ye play the Heralds some lusty gentlemen of the maker can no sooner bare a Goose-quill or a Woodcockes seather in their shield but they are like the renowmed Lobbelinus when hee had gotten a new coate and take vpon them without pitty or mercy like the onely Lordes of the field If euer Esquier raued with conceit of his new Armes it is Danters gentleman that mightily despiseth whatsoeuer hee beholdeth from the high turret of his creast and cranckly spitteth vppon the heads of some that were not greatly acquaynted with such familiar enterteinement His best frende be his Iudge and I appeale to my worst ennemy whether he euer read a more pestilent example of prostituted Impudency Were hee not a kinseman of the foresayd viper a Dog in malice a Calfe in witt an Oxe in learning and an Asse in discretion time shall cronicle him as he is was it possible that any maÌ„ should haue bestowed some broad and loud tearmes as he hath done Who could abide it without actuall reuenge but hee that enterteineth spite with a smile maketh a pastime of Straunge Newes turneth choler into sanguine vineger into wine vexation into sport and hath a salue for a greater sore Come young Sophisters you that affecte raylinge in your disputations and with a clamorous howte would set the Philosophy schooles non plus come olde cutters you that vse to make dowty frayes in the streetes and would hack-it terribly come hee-and shee-scoldes you that loue to pleade-it-out inuincibly at the barre of the dunghill will rather loose your liues then the last word come busy commotioners you that carry a world of quarrelous wits and mutinous tounges in your heads come most-redowted Momus you that will sternely keepe heauen and
or Greenwood his harts-desire or the freshest Practitioners their longing euen to be Iudges of the Consistorie or Fathers Conscript of the Senate or Domine fac totum or themselues wott not what there might fall-out fiue hundred practicable cases and a thousand disputable questions in a yeare the world must be reframed anew or such points decided wherewith they neuer disquieted their braynes and wherein the learnedest of them could not say A. to the Arches or B. to a Battledore If the grauer motioners of Discipline who nodoubt are learneder men and might be wiser but M. Trauers M. Cartwright Doctour Chapman and all the grayer heads begin to be stale with these Noouellists haue bethought themselues vpon all cases and cautels in Practise of whatsoeuer nature and haue thorowly prouided against all possible mischieffs inconueniences and irregularities aswell future as present I am glad they come so well prepared suerly some of the earnestest and egrest sollicitours are not yet so furnished Wordes are good fellowes and merry men but in my poore opinion it were not amisse for some sweating and fierce dooers at this instant that would downe with Clement and vp with Hildebrand either to know more at home or to sturr lesse abroad It is no trifling matter in a Monarchie to hoise-vp a new Autoritie like that of the Iewish Consistorie aboue Kinges or that of the Lacedemonian Ephorie aboue Tyrants or that of the Romane Senate aboue Emperours Howbeit if there be no remedie but M. Fier must be the Pastour M. Aier the Doctour goodman Water the Deacon and goodman Earth the Alderman of the Church let the young Calfe and the old Asse draw Cuttes whither of their heads shall weare the garland And thus much in generalitie touching Martinizing being vrged to defend it if I durst but for feare of indignation I durst not The seuerall particularities and more gingerly nicityes of rites signes termes and what not I referre to the discussion of professed Deuines or reserue for more ley sure and fitter occasion As for that new-created Spirite whom double V. like an other Doctour Faustus threateneth to coniure-vpp at leysure for I must returne to the terrible creature that subscribeth himselfe Martins Double V. and will needes also be my Tittle-tittle were that Spirite disposed to appeare in his former likenesse and to put the Necromancer to his purgation he could peraduenture make the coniuring wisard for sake the center of his Circle and betake him to the circumference of his heeles Simple Creature iwis thou art too-young an Artist to coniure him vp that can exorcise thee downe or to lamback him with ten yeares preparation that can lamskin thee with a dayes warning Out vpon thee for a cowardly lambacker that stealest-in at the backe doore and thinkest to filch aduantage on the backwing Knaues are backbiters whores bellybiters and both sheepebiters Pedomancie fitter for such Coniurers then either Chiromancie or Necromancie or any Familiar Spirite but contempt It is some-boddyes fortune to be baunted with backfreendes and I could report a straunge Dialogue betwixt the Clarke of Backchurch and the Chaunter of Pancridge that would make the better visard of the two to blush but I fauour modest eares and a thousand honest tongues will iustifie it to thy face Thou art as itwere a grose Idiot and a very Asse in presenti to imagine that thou couldest go scotfree in this fawcy reckoning although the partie coniured should say nothing but Mum. Honestie goeth neuer Vnbacked and Truth is a sufficient Patron to itselfe and I know One that hath written a Pamflet intituled Cock-alilly or The white son of the Black Art But he that can massacre Martins wit thou remembrest thine owne phrase can rott Pat-hatchets braine and he that can tickle Mar-prelate with taunts can twitch double V. to the quicke albeit he threaten no lesse then the siege of Troye in his Note-booke and his penne resounde like the harnessed woombe of the Troian horse I haue seene a broad sword stand at the doore when a poinado hath entered and although I am neither Vlysses nor Outis yet perhaps I can tell how No-boddy may doe that someboddy cannot doe Polyphemus was a mightie fellow and coniured Vlysses companions into excrements fewe Giants euer so hideous as Polyphemus but poore Outis was euen with him aud No-boddy coniured his goggle eye as well I prey-thee sweet Pap insult not ouer-much vpon quiet men though my penne be no-boddy at a hatchet and my tongue lesse then no-boddy at a beetle yet Patience looueth not to be made a cart of Croiden and no such libbard for a liuely Ape as fordead Silence The merry Gentleman deuiseth to disport himselfe and his Copesmates with a pleasurable conceit of quaking eares and all my workes at least six sheetes in quarto called by miselfe The first tome of my familiar Epistle two impudent lyes and so knowen notoriously He might as truly forge any lewd or villanous report of any man in England and for his labour challenge to be preferred to the Clarkship of the whetstone which he is hable to maintaine sumptuously with a mint of queint and Vncouth Similes daintie monsters of Nature I must deale plainly with the Spawne of rāke Calumnie his knauish foolish malice palpably bewrayeth it self in most-odious fictions meet to garnish the foresayd famous office of the whetstone But what sayth his owne couragious Penne of his owne aduenturous eares If ripping-vp of Liues make sport haue with thee knuckle deepe it shal neuer be sayd that I dare not venter myne eares where Martin hazards his necke Some men are not so prodigall of their eares how lauish soeuer Martin may seeme of his necke albeit euery mā cannot compile such graund Volumes as Euphues or reare such mightie tomes as Pap hatchet yet he might haue thought other poore men-haue tongues and pennes to speake something when they are prouoked vnreasonably But loosers may haue their wordes and Comedians their actes such drie bobbers can lustely strike at other and cunningly rapp themselues He hath not played the Vicemaster of Poules and the Foolemaster of the Theater for naughtes himselfe a mad 〈◊〉 as euer twangd neuer troubled with any substance of witt or circumstance of honestie sometime the fiddle-sticke of Oxford now the very bable of London would fayne forsooth haue some other esteemed as all men value him A workeman is easely descried by his termes euery man speaketh according to his Art I am threatened with a Bable and Martin menaced with a Comedie a fit motion for a Iester and a Player to try what may be done by employmēt of his facultie Bables Comedies are parlous fellowes to decipher and discourage men that is the Point with their wittie flowres and learned Ierkes enough to lash any man out-of countenance Na if you shake the painted scabbard at me I haue done and all you that tender the preseruation of your good names were best to please Pap-hatchet and fee
intentions like Minotaure in the Labyrinth his actions like the Stratagemes of Fabius his defiance like the wellcome of Circe his menaces like the songs of the Sirens his curses like the blessinges of those witches in Aphrica that forspoke what they praysed and destroyed what they wished to be saued I haue seen spannels mungrels libbards antelops scorpions snakes cockatrices vipers and many other Serpents in sugar-worke but to this day neuer sawe such a standing dish of Sugar-worke as that sweet-toungued Doctor that spake pleasingly whatsouer he thought and was otherwhiles a fayre Prognostication of fowle weather Such an autenticall Irony engrosed as all Oratory cannot eftsoones counterpane Smooth voyces do well in most societies and go currently away in many recknings when rowgh-hewne words do but lay blockes in their own way He found it in a thousand experiences and was the precisest practitioner of that soft and tame Rhetorique that euer I knew in my dealings And in case I should prefer any man of whatsoeuer quality before him for a stayed gouernement of his affections which he alwayes ruled as Homers Minerua brideled Pegasus or for an infinite and bottomlesse patience sibb to the patience of Anaxarchus or â—…ob I should iniury him and mine owne coÌ„science exceedingly Were he handeled as London kennels are vsed of sluttes or the Thames of sloouens he could pocket-it-vp as handsomely as they and complaine in as fewe wordes as any chanell or riuer in England when they are most contumeliously depraued His other vertues were colours in graine his learning lawne in starch his wisedome napry in suddes his conscience the weather in Aprill when he was young the weather in SepteÌ„ber as he grew elder the weather in February toward his end and not such a current PrognosticatioÌ„ for the fifty yeares wherein he floorished as the Ephemerides of his Conscience For his smug and Canonicall countenaunce certainly he mought haue bene S. Boniface himselfe for his fayre and formall speach S. Benedict or S. Eulaly for his merry coÌ„ceits S. Hillary for his good husbandry he was merry and wise S. Seruatius for his inuincible sufferance S. Vincent the Martir for his retracting or recanting S. Augustine for his not seeing all thinges S. Bernard for his preaching to geese S. Frauncis or S. Fox for his praying a S. Pharise for his fasting a S. Publicane for his chastitie a Solin virgine for his pastorall deuotion a Shepheards Calendar for his Fame an Almanacke of Saincts But if cuer any were Patience incorporate it was he and if euer any were Hypocrisy incarnate it was he vnto whoÌ„ I promised to dedicate an eternall memoriall of his immortall vertues and haue payed some little part of my vowes I twice or thrise tryed him to his face somewhat sawcily and smartly but the Picture of Socrates or the Image of S. Andrew not so vnmooueable and I still reuerence the honorable remembraunce of that graue and most eloquent Silence as the sagest lesson of my youth Had Nash a dramme of his witt his Aunswere should haue bene Mum or his Confutation the sting of the Scorpion Other Straunge Newes like Pap-hatchets rapp with a Bable are of the nature of thatsame snowt-horned Rhinoceros that biteth himselfe by the nose and besturre them like the dowty fencer of Barnewell that played his taking-vp with a Recumbentibus and his laying-downe with a broken pate in some three or foure corners of his head He must reuenge himselfe with a learned Discourse of deepest Silence or come better prouided then the edge of the rasour that would be valued as wise as that Apollo Doctour Whose Epitaph none can display accordingly but some Sprite of the Ayer or the fier For his Zeale to God and the Church was an aery Triplicity and his deuotion to his Prince and the State a fiery Trigon And suerly he was well-aduised that comprized a large History in one Epithite and honoured him with the title of the Thrise-learned Deane Onely I must needes graunt one such secret and profound enemy or shall I say one such thrise-secret and thrise-profound enemy was incomparably more pernicious then a hundred Hatchets or Country-cuffes a thousand Greenes or Cunny catchers an army of Nashes or Pierces Penniles a forrest of wilde beastes or whatsoeuer Ilias of professed Euils It is not the threatener but the vnderminer that worketh the mischief not the open assault but the priuy surprize that terrifieth the old souldiour not the surging floud but the low water that affrayeth the expert Pilot not the high but the hidden rocke that endangereth the skilfull Mariner not the busie Pragmaticall but the close Politician that supplanteth the puissant state not proclaimed warre but pretended peace that striketh the deadly stroke What Historian remembreth not the suttle Stratagemes of king Bacchus against the Indians of king Midas against the Phrygians of king Romulus against the Sabines of king Cyrus against the Lydians of many other Politique Conquerours against sundry mighty nations Principalities Segniories Citties Castels Fortresses Braue Valour may sometime execute with fury but Prowesse is weake in comparison of other practises no puissance to Pollicy no rage to craft no force to witt no pretence to ReligioÌ„ what spoiles vnder colour of ReligioÌ„ no text to the glosse what will not the glosse maintaine by hooke or crooke It was not Mercuries woodknife that could so easely haue dispatched Argus the Lieutenant of Queene Iuno had not his inchauÌ„ting Pipe first lulled him asleepe And was not Vlysses in greater reoperdy by the alluring Sirens charming Musicians then by cruell Polyphemus a boisterous Giant Vndoubtedly Caesar was as singularly wise as vnmatchably valiant rather a Fox then a Lion but in his wisedome he was more affrayde of Sylla theÌ„ of Marius of Cato then of Catiline of Cassius then of Antony of Brutus then of Pompey to be short of Saturne then of Mars of Mercury then of Iupiter himselfe It were a long discourse to suruey the wily traines and crafty fetches of the old and new world but whosoeuer is acquainted with Stratagemes auncient or moderne knoweth what an hourde of Pollicies lurketh in the shrowde of Dissimulation what wonders may be atchieued by vnexpected suprizes The professed enemy rather encombreth himselfe annoyeth his frendes theÌ„ ouerthroweth his aduersary or oppresseth his foes Alexanders and Caesars suddaine irruptions made them the Lordes of the world and masters of kinges whiles greatest threateners got nothing but greatest losse and greater shame What should I speake of the first founders of Monarchyes 〈◊〉 and Cyrus of the Venturous Argo-pilots of the worthy Herôes of the dowtiest Errant Knights of the brauest men in all ages whose mightiest engin notwithstanding whatsoeuer hyperbole of Valour or fury was Scarborough warning and whose Conquestes were assoone knowen-abroad as their Inuasions No power like the vnlikely assault nor any mischief so peremptory as the vnlooked-for affliction He that warneth me armeth me and it is much that a prepared minde and boddy