Fifth that made Inroads into Picardy and the adjacent Territories of which Anthony of Bourbon was not only Governor but had considerable Lordships in those Parts The Flemings have always been brisk Topers and for this Reason are call'd Dipsodes from 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Sitio 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Thirsty and he calls Picardy and Artois the Land of the Amaurots from the word 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 obscurus or evanidus perhaps because they are in the North of France or that part of them were in the hands of the Enemy Terouenne may well be called now 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 as that word is taken for being vanish'd and obliterated For Charles the Fifth utterly destroyed it Sandoval tells us That the Spaniards took it by Escalada that is having scaled the Walls and that they flew over them like the swiftest and most tow'ring Birds yet as he says that they went up with Ladders this must be reckon'd a very odd way of flying In 1543 which was some Years before that fine City was ruin'd Anthony de Bourbon Duke of Vendosme hearing that it was ill stored with Provisions assembled his Army and with Francis of Lorrain Duke of Aumale the Duke of Guise's Eldest Son the Duke de Nevers Marshal du Biez and several other Lords marched to its Relief with good Success having in spight of the Enemy supplied the Place with all manner of Necessaries In the mean time several of the Lords and other Officers in his Camp used to Skirmish and once particularly having long tried to draw the Flemings out these at last engaged them they were much more Numerous yet the French got the Better and cut off a great Number of their Enemies This perhaps may be the Victory which the Gentlemen Attendants of Pantagruel obtain'd over Six hundred and threescore Horsemen Chap. 25. And a Trophy was raised Chap. 27. for a Memorial of those Gentlemens Victory The next Exploit is that in the 29th Chapter where we find how Pantagruel discomfited the Three hundred Giants armed with Free-stone and Loupgarou their Captain The Death of Loupgarou in the presence of his Giants may relate to the taking of Liliers a Town between Bapaume and Aire It molested very much the Country that belonged to the French and was seated near a Marsh yet notwithstanding the Advantage of the Season and its resolute Garrison the Duke of Vendosme having caused a large Breach to be made and being ready to storm the Place the Besieged desired to Capitulate and after many Parlies surrendred the Town on dishonourable Terms By Accident the Ammunitions of the Besiegers had taken Fire and even some of the Carriages of the Artillery were burn'd which may perhaps have made our Author say in the foregoing Chapter that Carpalin having set on Fire the Enemy's Ammunition the flame having reached the Place where was their Artillery he was in great danger of being burn'd or perhaps this alludes to the Duke of Vendosme's setting Liliers on fire and destroying it quite after he had taken it For our Author writes not like an Historian but like a Poet who ought not to be blam'd for Anachronisms nor have the best Critics censur'd Virgil for that about Dido and Eneâ—â— between the Time of whose Lives whole Ages are reckoned by Chronologists However 't is certain that the Relief of Terouenne and then the Surrender of Liliers were Anthony de Bourbon's two first Exploits the one soon after the other then the Three hundred Giants arm'd with Free-stone which Pantagruel struck down like a Mason by breaking their stony Armour mowing them down with the dead Body of Loupgarou are a great number of Castles about Liliers Terouenne Saint Omer Aire and Bethune which Anthony of Bourbon demolish'd immediately after he had taken Liliers and then passed through Terouenne which is the City of the Amaurots which he went to relieve by whose Inhabitants Pantagruel is so nobly received in the 31th we may also suppose that by King Anarchus Rabelais means the plundering lawless Boors that shelter'd themselves in those Castles who were afterwards reduced to sell Herbs This is Anarchus's being reduc'd to cry green Sawce in a Canvas Iacket The Duke of Vendosme marched next without any resistance through the Upper Artois took Bapaume in his Way which is doubtless the Almyrods called so from 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Salsuginosus or salted People who resolved to hold out against Pantagruel yet only to have honourable Conditions It seems to me that this is meant of the Castle of that Town which held out against the Duke only for Terms all the Inhabitants of the Town being retired into that small place where there was but one Well whose Water had been altogether Exhausted in two Days to which perhaps relates the Salt which Pantagruel put into the Mouths of his Enemies and they were ready to submit to Mercy with Halters at their Necks but the King who had already sent matny Expresses to the Duke ordering him to march to join him with all speed and neiâ—her to Stop at Bapaume or any where else sent him angrily fresh Orders wherein he charged him of his Allegiance to join him that Day at Chasteau in Cambrezis on pain of incurring his Displeasure So the Duke to the great Joy of the Besieged and his greater Sorrow raised his Camp and came to the King Neither does our Author speak of the Surrender of the Almyrods but makes Pantagruel's Forces be overtaken with a great shower of Rain and then tells us how Pantagruel covered a whole Army with his Tongue For they began says he to shiver and tremble to croud press and thrust close to one another which when he saw he bid his Captains tell them that it was nothing however that they should put themselves into Order and he would cover them and he drew out his Tongue only half way and covered them all I find that the Duke before he took Liliers and besieged the Castle of Bapaume sent to the King to desire him to send a Months Pay to his Forces and then he could take some Frontier Towns and even Bapaume but the King sent him no Money and on the contrary ordered him to march on to meet him but before he had that Answer he had taken Liliers So his Soldiers who wanted their Pay and Clothes being also vex'd for having by the King's Fault missed taking the Booty in the Castle of Bapaume were displeased and in bad Circumstances but upon this the Duke spoke to the King and got them their Arrears and Clothes And this is what Rabelais calls covering an Army with his Tongue As for what follows it seems an imitation of Lucian's Whale in his true History as the News which Epistemon brings from Hell in the 30th Chapter is also a Copy of that Author and what ours says he saw in Pantagruel's Mouth is only to blind the rest which seems to me so plain like most of the Discoveries I here publish that I
formidable baton of the Cross got to the breach which the Enemies had made and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape Some of the Monkitos carried the Standards Banners Ensigns Guidons and Colours into their Cells and Chambers to make Garters of them But when those that had been shriven would have gone out at the gap of the said Breach the sturdy Monk quash'd and fell'd them down with blows saying These Men have had Confession and are peniâ—ent Souls they have got their Absolution and gained the Pardons They go into Paradise as streight as a sickle or as the way is to Fare like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap Thus by his Prowess and Valour were discomfited all those of the Army that entred into the Closs of the Abbey unto the number of Thirteen thousand six hundred twenty and two besides the Women and little Children which is always to be understood Never did Maugis the Hermite bear himself more valiantly with his Pilgrims staff against the Saracens of whom is written in the Acts of the four Sons of Haymon then did this Monk against his Enemies with the staff of the Cross. CHAP. XXVIII How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the Rock Clermond and of Grangousier's unwillingness and aversion from the Undertaking of War WHilst the Monk did thus skirmish as we have said against those which were entred within the Closs Picrochole in great haste passed the Ford Vede with all his Souldiery and set upon the Rock Clermond where there was made him no resistance at all And because it was already Night he resolved to quarter himself and his Army in that Town and to refresh himself of his pugnative Choler In the Morning he stormed and took the Bulwarks and Castle which afterwards he fortified with Rampiers and furnish'd with all Ammunition requisite intending to make his retreat there if he should happen to be otherwise worsted for it was a strong place both by Art and Nature in regard of the stance and scituation of it But let us leave them there and to return to our good Gargantua who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good Letters and athletical Exercitations and to the good old Man Grangousier his Father who after Supper warmeth his Ballocks by a good clear great fire and whilst his Chesnut a are a-rosting is very serious in drawing scratches on the Hearth with a stick burnt at the one end wherewith they did stir up the fire telling to his Wife and the rest of the Family pleasant old Stories and Tales of of former times Whilst he was thus employ'd one of the Shepherds which did keep the Vines named Pillot came towards him and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole King of Lerne upon his Lands and Territories and how he had pillaged wasted and ravaged all the Country except the inclosure at Sevile which Friar Iohn des Entoumeures to his great honour had preserved And that at the same present time the said King was in the Rock Clermond And there with great Industry and Circumspection was strengthening himself and his whole Army Halas halas alas said Grangousier what is this good People Do I dream or is it true that they tell me Picrochole my ancient Friend of old time of my own Kindred and Alliance comes he to invade me What moves him What provokes him What sets him on What drives him to it Who hath given him this Counsel Ho ho ho ho ho my God my Saviour help me inspire me and advise me what I shall do I protest I swear before thee so be thou favourable to me if ever I did him or his Subjects any damage or displeasure or committed any the least Robbery in his Country but on the contrary I have succoured and supplied him with Men Money Friendship and Counsel upon any occasion wherein I could be steadable for his good that he hath therefore at this nick of time so outraged and wronged me it cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked Spirit Good God thou knowest my Courage for nothing can be hidden from thee if perhaps he be grown mad and that thou hast sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of his brain Grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline Ho ho ho ho my good People my Friends and my faithful Servants must I hinder you from helping me Alas my old age required henceforward nothing else but rest and all the days of my Life I have laboured for nothing so much as Peace But now I must I see it well load with Arms my poor weary and feeble shoulders and take in my trembling hand the Lance and Horseman's Mace to succour and protect my honest Subjects Reason will have it so for by their labour am I maintain'd and with their sweat am I nourish'd I my Children and my Family This notwithstanding I will not undertake War until I have first tried all the ways and means of Peace that I resolve upon Then assembled he his Counsel and proposed the matter as it was indeed whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet Man unto Picrochole to know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the Peace and invaded those Lands unto which he had no Right nor Title Furthermore that they should send for Gargantua and those under his command for the Preservation of of the Country and Defence thereof now at need All this pleased Grangousier very well and he commanded that so it should be done Presently therefore he sent Basque his Lackey to fetch Gargantua with all diligence and wrote to him as followeth CHAP. XXIX The Tenor of the Letter which Grangousier wrote to his Son Gargantua THe fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in along time recall thee from that Philosophical rest thou now enjoyest If the confidence reposed in our Friends and ancient Confederates had not at this present Disappointed the assurances of my old age But seeing such is my fatal Destiny that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trusted most I am forced to call thee back to defend the People and Goods which by the right of Nature belong unto thee for even as Arms are weak abroad if there be not Counsel at home so is that Study vain and Counsel unprofitable which in a due and convenient time is not by Vertue executed and put in effect My Intention is not to Provoke but Appease Not to Assault but to Defend Not to Conquer but to preserve my faithful Subjects and hereditary Dominions into which Picrochole is entred in a hostile manner without any Ground or Cause and from day to day pursueth his furious Enterprise with great height of Insolence that is intolerable to free-born Spirits I have endeavoured to moderate his tyrannical Choler offering him all that which I thought might
the Loft which was planked and cieled with Firr after the fashion of the foot of a Lamp But the best was that the Fire which I had cast into the Lap of my paultry Roaster burnt all his Groin and was beginning to cease upon his Cullions when he became sensible of the danger for his Smelling was not so bad but that he felt it sooner than he could have seen Day-light Then suddenly getting up and in a great Amazement running to the Window he cried out to the Streets as high as he could Dalbaroth Dalbaroth Dalbaroth which is as much to say Fire Fire Fire incontinently turning about he came streight towards me to throw me quite into the Fire and to that effect had already cut the Ropes wherewith my Hands were tied and was undoing the Cords from off my Feet when the Master of the House hearing him cry Fire and smelling the Smoke from the very Street where he was walking with some other Baashaws and Mustaphaes ran with all the speed he had to save what he could and to carry away his Jewels Yet such was his Rage before he could well resolve how to go about it that he caught the Broach whereon I was spitted and therewith killed my Roaster stark dead of which Wound he died there for want of Government or otherwise for he ran him in with the Spit a little above the Navel towards the right Flank till he pierced the third Lappet of his Liver and the Blow flanting upwards from the Diaphragme through which it had made Penetration the Spit past athwart the Pericardium and came out above at his Shoulders betwixt the Spondyls and the left Homoplat True it is for I will not lie that in drawing the Spit out of my Body I fell to the Ground near unto the Andirons and so by the Fall took some hurt which indeed had been greater but that the Lardons or little Slices of Bacon wherewith I was stuck kept off the Blow My Baashaw then seeing the Case to be desperate his House burnt without Remission and all his Goods lost gave himself over unto all the Devils in Hell calling upon some of them by their Names Gringoth Astaroth Rappâ—lus and Gribonillis nine several times which when I saw I had above six Penny-worth of Fear dreading that the Devils would come even then to carry away this Fool and seeing me so near him would perhaps snatch me up too I am ready thought I half roasted and my Lardons will be the cause of my Mischief for these Devils are very lickorous of Lardons according to the Authority which you have of the Philosopher Iamblicus and Murmault in the Apology of Bossuris adulterated pro magistros nostros But for my better security I made the sign of the Cross crying Hageos athanatos hotheos and none came At which my Rogue Baashaw being very much aggrieved would in transpiercing his Heart with my Spit have killed himself and to that purpose had set it against his Breast but it could not enter because it was not sharp enough Whereupon I perceiving that he was not like to work upon his Body the Effect which he intended although he did not spare all the Force he had to thrust it forward came up to him and said Master Bugrino thou dost here but trifle away thy time for thou wilt never kill thy self thus as thou doest Well thou mayest hurt or bruise somewhat within thee so as to make thee languish all thy Life-time most pitifully amongst the Hands of the Chirurgions but if thou wilt be counselled by me I will kill thee clear outright so that thou shalt not so much as feel it and trust me for I have killed a great many others who never have complained afterwards Ha my Friend said he I prethee do so and for thy pains I will give thee my Cod-piece take here it is there are six hundred Seraphs in it and some fine Diamonds and most excellent Rubies And where are they said Epistemon By St. Iohn said Panurge they are a good way hence if they always keep going But where is the last Year's Snow This was the greatest care that Villon the Parisian Poet took Make an end said Pantagruel that we may know how thou didst dress thy Baashaw By the Faith of an honest Man said Panurge I do not lie in one word I swadled him in a scurvy Swathel-binding which I found lying there half burnt and with my Cords tied him Royster-like both Hand and Foot in such sort that he was not able to winse then past my Spit through his Throat and hanged him thereon fastening the end thereof at two great Hooks or Cramp-irons upon which they did hang their Halberds and then kindling a fair Fire under him did flame you up my Milourt as they use to do dry Herrings in a Chimney with this taking his Budget and a little Javelin that was upon the foresaid Hooks I ran away a fair Gallop-rake and God he knows how I did smell my Shoulder of Mutton When I was come down into the Street I found every Body come to put out the Fire with store of Water and seeing me so half-roasted they did naturally pity my Case and threw all their Water upon me which by a most joyful refreshing of me did me very much good Then did they present me with some Victuals but I could not eat much because they gave me nothing to drink but Water after their fashion Other hurt they did me none only one little villanous Turky knob-brested Rogue came to snatch away some of my Lardons but I gave him such a sturdy Thump and sound Rap on the Fingers with all the weight of my Javelin that he came no mote the second time Shortly after this there came towards me a pretty young Corinthian Wench who brought me a Box full of Conserves of round Mirabolan Plums called Emblicks and looked upon my poor Roger with an Eye of great Compassion as it was Flea-bitten and pinked with the Sparkles of the Fire from whence it came for it reached no further in length believe me than my Knees But note that this Roasting cured me entirely of a Sciatica whereunto I had been subject above seven Years before upon that side which my Roaster by falling asleep suffered to be burnt Now whilst they were thus busy about me the Fire triumphed never ask How for it took hold on above two thousand Houses which one of them espying cryed out saying By Mahooms Belly all the City is on fire and we do nevertheless stand gazing here without offering to make any Relief Upon this every one ran to save his own For my part I took my way towards the Gate When I was got upon the Knap of a little Hillock not far off I turned me about as did Lot's Wife and looking back saw all the City burning in a fair Fire whereat I was so glad that I had almost beshit my self for Joy but God punished me well for it How
to the Ground easily together with their Riders But they seeing that drew their Swords and would have cut them Whereupon Panurge set Fire to the Train and there burnt them up all like damned Souls both Men and Horses not one escaping save one alone who being mounted on a fleet Turky Courser by meer speed in Flight got himself out of the Circle of the Ropes But when Carpalin perceived him he ran after him with such Nimbleness and Celerity that he overtook him in less than a hundred Paces than leaping close behind him upon the Crupper of his Horse clasped him in his Arms and brought him back to the Ship This Exploit being ended Pantagruel was very jovial and wondrously commended the Industry of these Gentlemen whom he called his Fellow-Souldiers and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily upon the Sea-shore and drink heartily with their Bellies upon the Ground and their Prisoner with them whom they admitted to that Familiarity only that the poor Devil was not well assured but that Pantagruel would have eaten him up whole which considering the Wideness of his Mouth and Capacity of his Throat was no great matter for him to have done for he could have done it as easily as you would eat a small Comfit he shewing no more in his Throat than would a Grain of Millet-Seed in the Mouth of an Ass. CHAP. XXVI How Pantagruel and his Company were weary in eating still salt Meats and how Carpalin went a hunting to have some Venison THus as they talked and chatted together Carpalin said And by the Belly of St. Quenet shall we never eat any Venison this salt Meat makes me horribly dry I will go fetch you a Quarter of one of those Horses which we have burnt it is well roasted already As he was rising up to go about it he perceived under the side of a Wood a fair great Roe-Buck which was come out of his Fort as I conceive at the sight of Panurge's fire Him did he pursue and run after with as much Vigour and Swiftness as if it had been a Bolt out of a Cross-bow and caught him in a moment and whilst he was in his Course he with his Hands took in the Air four great Bustards seven Bitterns six and twenty gray Partridges two and thirty red legged Ones sixteen Pheasants nine Woodcocks nineteen Herons two and thirty Coushots and Ring-Doves and with his Feet killed ten or twelve Hares and Rabbets which were then at relief and pretty big withal Eighteen Rayles in a knot together with fifteen young wild Boars two little Bevers and three great Foxes So striking the Kid with his Fauchion athwart the Head he killed him and bearing him on his Back he in his return took up his Hares Rayls and young wild Boaâ—s and as far off as he could be heard cried out and said Panurge my Friend Vineger Vineger Then the good Pantagruel thinking he had fainted commanded them to provide him some Vineger But Panurge knew well that there was some good Prey in hands and forthwith shewed unto noble Pantagruel how he was bearing upon his Back a fair Roe-Buck and all his Girdle bordered with Hares then immediately did Epistemon make in the name of the nine Muses nine antick wooden Spits Eusthenes did help to flay and Panurge placed two great Cuirasier Saddles in such sort that they served for Andirons and making their Prisoner to be their Cook they roasted their Venison by the Fire wherein the Horsemen were burnt And making great Câ—ear with a good deal of Vineger the Devil a one of them did forbear from his Victuals it was a triumphant and incomparable Spectacle to see how they ravened and devoured Then said Pantagruel Would to God every one of you had two Pairs of Sacring Bells hanging at your Chin and that I had at mine the great Clocks of Renâ—s of Poitâ—ers of Tours and of Cambray to see what a Peal they would â—ing with the Wagging of our Chaps But said Panurge it were better we thought a little upon our business and by what means we might get the upper hand of our Enemies· That is well remembred said Pantagruel therefore spoke he thus to the Prisoner My Friend tell us here the truth and do not lie to us at all if thou wouldest not be slayed alive for it is I that eat the little Children relate unto us at full the Order the Number and the Strength of the Army To which the Prisoner answered Sir know for a truth that in the Army there are three hundred Giants all armed with Armour of proof and wonderful great nevertheless not fully so great as you except one that is their head named Loup-garou who is armed from Head to Foot with Cyclopical Annvils Furthermore one hundred threescore and three thousand Foot all armed with the Skins of Hobgoblins strong and valiant Men eleven thousand four hundred Cuirasiers three thousand six hundred double Canons and Harque-busiers without number fourscore and fourteen thousand Pioneers one hundred and fifty thousand Whores fair like Goddesses that is for me said Panurge Whereof some are Amazons some Lionnoises others Parisiennes Taurangelles Angevines Poictevines Normands and high Dutch there are of them of all Countrys and all Languages Yea but said Pantagruel is the King there Yes Sir said the Prisoner he is there in Person and we call him Anarchus King of the Dipsodes which is as much to say as thirsty People for you never saw Men more thirsty nor more willing to drink and his Tent is guarded by the Giants It is enough said Pantagruel come brave Boys are you resolved to go with me To which Panurge answered God confound him that leaves you I have already bethought my self how I will kill them all like Pigs and so that the Devil one Leg of them shall escape But I am somewhat troubled about one thing And what is that said Pantagruel It is said Panurge how I shall be able to set forward to the jusling and bragmardising of all the Whores that be there this Afternoon in such sort that there escape not one unbumped by me breasted and jum'd after the ordinary Fashion of Man and Women Ha ha ha ha said Pantagruel And Carpalin said The Devil take these Sink-holes if by G I do not bumbast some one of them And I said Eusthenes what d' ye make of me who since we came from Rowen have never been wound up that my Needle could mount above to ten or eleven a Clock now stiff and strong like a hundred Devils Truly said Panurge thou shalt have of the fattest and of those that are most plump and in the case How now said Epistemon every one shall ride and I must lead the Ass the Devil take him that will do so We will make use of the right of War Qui potest capere capiat No no said Panurge but tie thine Ass to a Crook and ride as the World doth And the good Pantagruel laughed at all
entered one of his Men carrying a Lanthorn and a Torch lighted and so Pantagruel swallowed him down like a little Pill Into seven others went seven Country-fellows having every one of them a Shovel on his Neck Into nine others entred nine Wood-carriers having each of them a Basket hung at his Neck and so were they swallowed down like Pills When they were in his Stomach every one undid his Spring and came out of their Cabins the first whereof was he that carried the Lanthorn and so they fell more than half a League into aâ—most horrible Gulph more stinking and infectious than ever was Mephitis or the Marishes of Camerina or the abominably unsavory Lake of Sorbona whereof Strabo maketh mention And had it not been that they had very well antidoted their Stomach Heart and Wine-pot which is called the Noddle they had been altogether suffocated and choaked with these detestable Vapours O what a Perfume O what an Evaporation wherewith to bewray the Masks or Muflers of young mangy Queans After that with groping and smelling they came near to the fecal Matter and the corrupted Humours Finally they found a Montjoy or Heap of Ordure and Filth then fell the Pioneers to work to dig it up and the rest with their Shovels filled the Baskets and when all was cleansed every one retired himself into his Ball. This done Pantagruel enforcing himself to a Vomit very easily brought them out and they made no more shew in his Mouth than a Fart in yours But when they came merrily out of their Pills I thought upon the Grecians coming out of the Trojan Horse By this Means was â—he healed and brought unto his former State and Convalescence And of these brazen Pills you have one at Orleans upon the Steeple of the Holy Cross Church CHAP. XXXIV The Conclusion of this present Book and the Excuse of the Author NOw my Masters you have heard a Beginning of the horrifick History of my Lord and Master Pantagruel Here will I make an end of the first Book My Head aches a little and I perceive that the Registers of my Brain are somewhat jumbled and disordered with this Septembral Iuice You shall have the rest of the History at Frankfort Mart next coming and there shall you see how Panurge was married and made a Cuckold within a Month after his Wedding how Pantagruel found out the Philosopher's Stone the Manner how he found it and the Way how to use it How he past over the Caspian Mountains and how he sailed through the Atlantick Sea defeated the Cannibals and conquered the Isles of Perles how he married the Daughter of the King of India called Presian how he fought against the Devil and burnt up five Chambers of Hell ransacked the great black Chamber threw Proserpina into the Fire broke five Teeth of Lucifer and the Horn that was in his Arse How he visited the Regions of the Moon to know whether indeed the Moon were not entire and whole or if the Women had three Quarters of it in their Heads and a thousand other little Merriments all veritable These are brave things truly Good Night Gentlemen Perdonate mi and think not so much upon my Faults that you forget your own If you say to me Master it would seem that you were not very wise in writing to us these flimflam Stories and pleasant Fooleries I answer you that you are not much wiser to spend your time in reading them Nevertheless if you read them to make your selves merry as in manner of Pastime I wrote them you and I both are far more worthy of Pardon than a great Rabble of squint-minded Fellows counterfeit Saints demure Lookers Hypocrites Zealots tough Fryars Buskin-Monks and other such Sects of Men who disguise themselves like Maskers to deceive the World for whilst they give the common People to understand that they are busied about nothing but Contemplation and Devotion in Fastings and Maceration of their Sensuality and that only to sustain and aliment the small Frailty of their Humanity it is so far otherwise that on the contrary God knows what cheer they make Et Curios simulant sed bacchanalia vivunt You may read it in great Letters in the colouring of their red Snowts and gulching Bellies as big as a Tun unless it be when they perfume themselves with Sulphur As for their Study it is wholly taken up in reading of Pantagruelin Books not so much to pass the Time merriiy as to hurt some one or other mischievously to wit in articling sole-articling wry-neckifying buttock-stirring ballocking and diabliculating that is calumniating wherein they are like unto the poor Rogues of a Village that are busy in stirring up and scraping in the Ordure and Filth of little Children in the Season of Cherries and Guinds and that only to find the Kernels that they may sell them to the Druggists to make thereof Pomander-Oil Fly from these Men abhor and hate them as much as I do and upon my Faith you will find your selves the better for it And if you desire to be good Pantagruelists that is to say to live in Peace Joy Health making your selves always merry never trust those Men that always peep out at one Hole The End of the Second Book of RABELAIS FINIS THE THIRD BOOK OF THE WORKS OF Mr. Francis Rabelais Doctor in Physick Containing the Heroick Deeds of Pantagruel the Son of Gargantua Now faithfully Translated into English by the unimitable Pen of Sir Thomas Vrwhart K t. Bar. The Translator of the Two First BOOKS Never before Printed LONDON Printed for Richard Baldwin near the Oxford Arms in Warwick-Lane 1693. Francis Rabelais to the Soul of the deceased Queen of Navarre ABstracted Soul ravish'd with extasies Gone back and now familiar in the Skies Thy former Host thy Body leaving quite Which to obey thee always took delight Obsequious ready Now from motion free Senseless and as it were in Apathy Wouldst thou not issue forth for a short space From that Divine Eternal Heavenly place To see the third part in this earthy Cell Of the brave Acts of good Pantagruel The Third Book of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the good Pantagruel The AUTHOR's Prologue GOOD People most Illustrious Drinkers and you thrice precious gouty Gentlemen Did you ever see Diogenes the Cynick Philosopher if you have seen him you then had your Eyes in your Head or I am very much out of my Understanding and Logical Sense It is a gallant thing to see the clearness of Wine Gold the Sun I 'll be judged by the blind born so renowned in the Sacred Scriptures who having at his choice to ask whatever he would from him who is Almighty and whose Word in an Instant is effectually performed asked nothing else but that he might see Item you are not young which is a competent Quality for you to Philosophat more than Physically in Wine not in vain and henceforwards to be of the Bacchick Council to the end that
the Provision of your Houses with the bringing of a certain considerable number of Tuns Punchions Pipes Barrels and Hogsheads of Graves Wine or of the Wine of Orleans Beanne and Mirevaux should drink out the half and afterwards with Water fill up the other empty halves of the Vessels as full as before as the Limosins use to do in their Carriages by Wains and Carts of the Wines of Argenton and Sangaultier After that how would you part the Water from the Wine and purifie them both in such a case I understand you well enough your meaning is that I must do it with an Ivy Funnel That is written it is true and the Verity thereof explored by a thousand Experiments you have learned to do this Feat before I see it But those that have never known it nor at any time have seen the like would hardly believe that it were possible Let us nevertheless proceed But put the case we were now living in the Age of Silla Marius Caesar and other such Roman Emperors or that we were in the time of our ancient Druids whose custom was to burn and calcine the dead Bodies of their Parents and Lords and that you had a mind to drink the Ashes or Cinders of your Wives or Fathers in the infused Liquor of some good White-wine as Artemisia drunk the Dust and Ashes of her Husband Mansolus or otherways that you did determine to have them reserved in some fine Urn or Reliquary Pot how would you save the Ashes apart and separate them from those other Cinders and Ashes into which the Fuel of the Funeral and bustuary Fire hath been converted Answer if you can by my Figgins I believe it will trouble you so to do Well I will dispatch and tell you that if you take of this Celestial Pantagruelion so much as is needful to cover the Body of the Defunct and after that you shall have inwrapped and bound therein as hard and closely as you can the Corps of the said deceased Persons and sowed up the Folding-sheet with thred of the same stuff throw it into the Fire how great or ardent soever it be it matters not a Straw the Fire through this Pantagruelion will burn the Body and reduce to Ashes the Bones thereof and the Pantagruelion shall be not only not consumed nor burnt but also shall neither lose one Atom of the Ashes inclos'd within it nor receive one Atom of the huge bustuary heap of Ashes resulting from the blazing Conflagration of things combustible laid round about it but shall at last when taken out of the Fire be fairer whiter and much cleaner than when you did put it in at first Therefore it is called Asbeston which is as much to say as incombustible Great plenty is to be found thereof in Carpasia as likeways in the Climate Diasienes at very easie rates O how rare and admirable a thing it is that the Fire which devoureth consumeth and destroyeth all such things else should cleanse purge and whiten this sole Pantagruelion Carpasian Asbeston If you mistrust the Verity of this Relation and demand for further Confirmation of my Assertion a Visible Sign as the Iews and such incredulous Infidels use to do take a fresh Egg and orbicularly or rather ovally infold it within this Divine Pantagruelion when it is so wrapped up put it in the hot Embers of a Fire how great or ardent soever it be and having left it there as long as you will you shall at last at your taking it out of the Fire find the Egg roasted hard and as it were burnt without any Alteration Change Mutation or so much as a Calefaction of the Sacred Pantagruelion For less than a Million of Pounds Sterling modified taken down and amoderated to the twelfth part of one Four Pence Half-penny Farthing you are able to put it to a trial and make Proof thereof Do not think to overmatch me here by paragoning with it in the way of a more eminent Comparison the Salamander That is a Fib for albeit a little ordinary Fire such as is used in Dining-Rooms and Chambers gladden chear up exhilerate and quicken it yet may I warrantably enough assure that in the flaming Fire of a Furnace it will like any other animated Creature be quickly suffocated choaked consumed and destroyed We have seen the Experiment thereof and Galen many ages ago hath clearly demonstrated and confirmed it Lib. 3. De tempora mentis And Dioscorides maintaineth the same Doctrine Lib. 2. Do not here instance in competition with this Sacred Herb the Feather Allum or the wooden Tower of Pyrce which Lucius Sylla was never able to get burnt for that Archelaus Governour of the Town for Mithridates King of Pontus had plaistered it all over on the out-side with the said Allum Nor would I have you to compare therewith the Herb which Alexander Cornelius called Fonem and said that it had some resemblance with that Oak which bears the Misselto and that it could neither be consumed nor receive any manner of prejudice by Fire nor by Water no more than the Misselto of which was built said he the so renowned Ship Argos Search where you please for those that will believe it I in that Point desire to be excused Neither would I wish you to parallel therewith although I cannot deny but that it is of a very marvellous Nature that sort of Tree which groweth alongst the Mountains of Brianson and Ambrun which produceth out of his Root the good Agarick from its Body it yieldeth unto us a so excellent Rosin that Galen hath been bold to equal it to the Turpentine Upon the delicate Leaves thereof it retaineth for our use that sweet Heavenly Honey which is called the Manna And although it be of a gummy oily fat and greasie Substance it is notwithstanding unconsumable by any Fire It is in Greek and Latin called Larix The Alpinesi name it Melze The Antenotides and Venetians term it Larege which gave occasion to that Castle in Piedmont to receive the Denomination of Larignum by putting Iulius Caesar to a stand at his return from amongst the Gauls Iulius Caesar commanded all the Yeomens Boors Hinds and other Inhabitants in near unto and about the Alps and Piedmont to bring all manner of Victuals and Provision for an Army to those places which on the Military Road he had appointed to receive them for the use of his marching Soldiery to which Ordinance all of them were obedient save only those as were within the Garrison of Larignum who trusting in the natural Strength of the place would not pay their Contribution The Emperor purposing to chastise them for their refusal caused his whole Army to march streight towards that Castle before the Gate whereof was erected a Tower built of huge big Sparrs and Rafters of the Larch Tree fast bound together with Pins and Pegs of the same Wood and interchangeably laid on one another after the fashion of a Pile or Stack of Timber
eke a fourth Thus these Four being mounted like Aymond's Four Sons a Horse back on a Mule without Bridle or Halter the real and living Emblem of Folly the Grave Animal walk'd leasurely down St. James's street till it came near a Church towards which it moved drawn by the magnetic Vertue of the Water which it smelt at a considerable Distance in the Holy Water Pot which is always near the Porch And in vain our Four Riders kick'd and call'd in spight of them the Headstrong thirsty Beast made up to the Holy Element and though the Church was almost full of People it being Sunday and Sermon time notwithstanding all Opposition the bold Monster dipped its saucy Snout in the Sanctified Cistern The People that were near it were not a little amaz'd at the Impudence of that Sacrilegious Animal deservedly curst with Sterility though it were but for this one Crime Many took him for a Spectrum that bore some Souls formerly Heretical but now Penitent that came to seek the sweet Refrigeratory of the Saints out of the more than Hellish Flames of Purgatory So the unconcern'd Mule took a swinging Draught of Holy Liquor yet did not like it so well there being always Salt in it as to take a second Dose but having somewhat allayed its raging Thirst modestly withdrew with her two â—race of Youngsters However the thing did not end thus for the Brute was seized and Rabelais being thought none of the greatest Admirers of the Romish Fopperies was shrewdly suspected of having laid the Design of that Scandalous Adventure Nor was the rude Four-legg'd Joannes Caballus released out of the Pound till its Master had dearly paid for its Drink As he Ridicul'd the Superstition of Priests he also was extreamly free in his Reflections on the Monks and truly he knew them too well to Love and Esteem them he is said not to have been able to refrain his Satyrical Temper even while he was reading public Service and instead of Qui maechantur cum illâ as the Vulgate has it to have said aloud Qui monachantur cum illâ 'T is also said That as he was kneeling once at Church before the Statue of King Charles the Eighth a Monk came and said to him That doubâ—less he mistook that King's Statue for that of some Saint but Rabelais immediately replied I am not so much a Monk Blockhead I mean as thou thinkest me nor yet so blind as not to know that I kneel before the representation of King Charles the VIII for whose Soul I Prayed because he brought the Pox out of Naples into this Kingdom by which means I and other Physicians have been considerable Gainers Several of these being once Assembled to consult about an Hypocondriac humour which confined Cardinal Du Bellay to his Bed they at last resolved that an Aperitive Decoction should be prepared to be frequently taken with some Syrup by the Patient Now Rabelais who was his Physician perhaps not being of their Opinion while the rest of our Learned Doctors were still discoursing in their Scientific Iargon to deserve the large Fee caused a Fire to be made in the Yard and on it to be set a Kettle-ful of Water into which he had put as many Keys as he could get And while he was very busie in stirring them about with a Stick the Doctors coming down saw him and asked what he was doing Following your Directions replied he How in the Name of Gulen cry'd one of them you are for something that may be very aperitive returned Rabelais and by Hippocrates I think you will own that nothing can be more Aperitive than Keys unless you would have me send to the Arcenal for some peices of Cannon This odd Fancy being immediately related to the sick Cardinal set him into such a fit of Laughing that it helped more to cure him than the Prescription and what made the Iest the more pertinent was that Keys are made of Iron and Steel which with Water are the cheif Ingredients in Chalibeat Medicines Hearing that the grave John Calvin somewhat prejudic'd against him for his biting Iokes had play'd on his Name by the way of Anagram saying Rabelaesius Rabie laeus he with an admirable presence of mind immediately returned the Complement in the same kind saying Calvin Jan cul adding that there was Anagram for Anagram and that a Studied trifle only deserved to be paid back with one worse ex tempore Thus while like Democritus he made himself Meâ—ry with the Impertinences of Mankind nothing was able to allay his Mirth unless it were the thought of a Reckoning at the time that he paid it then indeed he was thought somewhat serious though probably 't was partly that those who were to receive it might not impose on him and the Company and because he generally found his Purse not over full However the time of paying the Shot in a Tavern among good Fellows or Pantagruelists is still called in France le quart d' heure de Rabelais that is Rabelais's quarter of an hour Yet his Enemies the Monks and some others tell us that he seemed much less Concerned when he payed the grand Shot of Life than when he discharged a small Tavern Reckoning For they say that he faced Death with an unconcern'd and careless Countenance and in short that he Died just as he Lived They relate the thing thus Rabelais being very Sick Cardinal Du Bellay sent his Page to him to have an account of his condition his answer was Tell my Lord in what Circumstances thou findest me I am just going to leap into the Dark He is up in the Cock-Loft bid him keep where he is As for thee thou'â—t always be a Fool Let down the Curtain the Farce is done A little before this he had called for his Domino so some in France call a sort of Hood which Curates wear saying put me on my Domino for I am cold besides I will Die in it for Beati qui in Domino moriuntur An Author who stiles Rabelais a Man of Excellent Learning Writes that he being importuned by some to sign a Will whereby they had made him bestow on them Legacies that exceeded his Ability He to be no more disturbed complied at last with their Desires but when they came to ask him where they should find a Fund answerable to what he gave as for that replied he You must do like the Spaniel look about and search then adds that Author having said Draw the Curtain the Farce is over he Died. Likewise a Monk not only tells us that he ended his Life with that â—est but that he left a Paper Sealed up wherein were found three Articles 〈◊〉 his Last-Will I owe much I have nothing I give the rest to the Poor This last Story or that before it must undoubtedly be false and perhaps both are so as well as the Message by the Page though Freigius relates also that Rabelais said when he was Dying Draw the Curtain c.
know where to fix This must be granted yet 't is not an impossible thing and if we can but once unmark Panurge who is the ridiculous Hero of the Peece we may soon guess by the Servant and the Air and Figure of his Master who Pantagruel is We find these four Characters in Panurge 1. He is well skill'd in the Greek Hebrew and Latin Tongues he speakes High and Low Dutch Polish Spanish Portuguese English Italian c. 2. He is learned understanding politic sharp cunning and deceitful in the highest Degree 3. He publicly professes the Popish Religion tho he in reality laughs at it and is nothing less than a Papist 4. His chief Concern next to that of Eating is a Marriage which he has a desire yet is affraid to contract least he should meet with his Match that is a Wife even as bad as himself I do not know if those who by the pretended Key have been induc'd to believe that Panurge was the Cardinal of Amboise in a Disguise have been pleased to observe these four qualities but I am sure that nothing of all this can be applyed to that Prelate unless it be that in general he was an able Minister of State But all four were found in Iohn de Montluc Bishop of Valence and Die who was the eldest Brother of the Marschal de Montluc the most violent Enemy which the Hugonots had in those Days 1. Historians assure us that he understood the Eastern Tongues as also the Greek and the Latin the best of any Man in his time and in sixteen Embassies to many Princes of Europe to whom he was sent in Germany England Scotland Poland Constantinople he doubtless learn'd the living Tongues which he did not know before 2. He gain'd a great Reputation in all those Embassies and his Wit his Skill his Penetration and his Prudence in observing a Conduct that contented all Persons were universally admired But he even out did himself in the most difficult of all those Embassies which was that of Poland to the Throne of which Kingdom he caus'd Henry de Valois Duke of Anjou to be rais'd in spight of the difficulties which the Massacre of Paris that was wholly laid to his Charge in Poland he having been one of the chief Promoters of it created concerning his Election His Toils and his happy Success in those important Negotiations caus'd him to take this Latin Verse for his Motto Quae Regio in terris nostri non plena laboris 3. The whole Kingdom of France and particularly the Court knew that he was a Calvinist and he himself did not make a Mystery of it as appears by his preaching their Doctrin once before the Queen in a Hat and Cloak after the manner of the Calvinists which caus'd the Constable of Monâ—morency to say aloud Why do not they pull that Minister out of the Pulpit Nay he was even condemn'd by Pius IV. as an Heretick but that Pope having not assigned him Judges in partibus according to the Laws of the Kingdom he kept his Bishoprick and the Dean of Valence who had accused him of being a Calvinist not being well able to make good his Charge Montluc who had mighty Friends caus'd him to be punish'd for it also after his Death his Contract of Marriage with a Gentlewoman call'd Anne Martin was found yet he still kept in the Roman Church and still enjoy'd the Revenues of his Bishoprick as if he had been the most bigotted Papist in that Kingdom The Considerations that kept him from abjuring solemnly the errors of the Church of Rome were that Calvin let him know that according to his Reformation there could be no Bishops he own'd that this Obstacle would not perhaps have hinder'd him from leaving that Communion could his Kitchin have follow'd him in the other excepting that he was altogether for a Reformation and in all things favour'd 〈◊〉 Professors and 't is what Rabelais has observ'd when he makes him conclude all his Discourses in many Languages with saying that Venter famelicus auriculis carere dicitur at this time I am in a very urgent necessity to feed my Teeth are sharp my Belly empty my Throat dry and my Stomach fierce and burning all is ready if you will but set me to work it will be as good as a Balsamum for sore Eyes to see me guleh and raven it for God's sake give order for it 4. His chief Concern next to that of living plentifully was that of his Marriage and as we have observed he Married and had a Son whom he own'd and who was afterwards legitimated by the Parliament 't is the same who is famous in History by the name of Balagny and who was afterwards Prince of Cambray his Father caus'd him to be sent into Poland concerning the Duke of Anjou's Election of which we have spoke and he was very serviceable to that Duke in it Now 't is that Marriage of the Bishop of Valence that so much perplexes him by the name of Panurge in Rabelais's third Book and which is the occasion of Pantagruel's Voyage to the Holy Bottle in the fourth and fifth 'T is much to be admired how a Bishop that openly sided with the Calvinists who was also a Monk yet marryed and living with his Wife whom he had regularly wedded could enjoy one of the best Bishopricks in France and some of the chief Employments at Court He must doubtless have been extreamly cunning and have had a very particular Talent to keep those envied posts in the Church and State in spight of all those disavantages in the midst of so many storms rais'd against him and the Reformation by Enemies that had all the Forces of the Kingdom in their Power and could do whatever they pleased This Prudence and Craftiness is described to the Life by our Author when he makes Panurge relate how he had been broach'd upon a Spit by the Turks all larded like a Rabbet and in that manner was roasting alive when calling on God that he might deliver him out of the pains wherein they detained him for his sincerity in the maintenance of his Law the Turn-spit fell asleep by the Divine Will and Panurge having taken in his Teeth a Fire-brand by the end where it was not burn'd cast it into the Lap of his Roaster with another set the House on Fire broach'd on the Spit the Turkish Lord who design'd to devour him and at last got away though pursued by a great number of Dogs who smelt his leacherous half roasted Flesh and he threw the Beacon with which he had been larded among them 'T is observable that there he exclaims against the Turks about their abstaining from Wine which perhaps may refer to the Church of Rome's denying the Cup in the Eucharist to the Laity at which particularly Montluc was offended To lard a Man is a Metaphor often us'd by the French to signifie to accuse and reproach and so he was even before he had his Bishoprick throwing
do here let him be carried to Prison for troubling the Divine Service Nay said the Monk the Wine Service let us behave our selves so that it be not troubled for you your self my Lord Prior love to drink of the best and so doth every honest Man Never yet did a Man of worth dislike good Wine it is a monastical Apophthegm But these Responses that you chant here by G are not in Season Wherefore is it that our Devotions were instituted to be short in the time of Harvest and Vintage and long in the Advent and all the Winter The late Friar Messepelosse of good memory a true zealous Man or the Devil take me of our Religion told me and I remember it well how the reason was That in this Season we might press and make the Wine and in Winter whiff it up Hark you my Masters you that love the Wine Cops Body follow me for Sanct Anthony burn me as freely as a Fagot if they taste one drop of the Liquor that will not now come and fight in defence of the Vine Hogs Belly the Goods of the Church Ha no no What the Devil would have Sanct Thomas of England died for them if I die shall not I be a Sanct likewise Yet will not I die for all this but send others a-packing As he spake this he threw off his great Monks habit and laid hold upon the staff of the Cross which was made of the Heart of a Sorbaple-tree it being of the length of a Lance round of a full gripe and a little powder'd with Flower de luce almost all defac'd and worn out Thus went he out in a fair long-skirted Jacket putting his Frock scarfways athwart his Breast and with his staff of the Cross laid on so lustily upon his Enemies who without any Order or Ensign or Trumpet or Drum were busied in gathering the Grapes of the Vineyard for the Cornets Guidons and Ensign-bearers had laid down their Standards Banners and Colours by the Wall-sides The Drummers had knock'd out the Heads of their Drums on one end to fill them with Grapes The Trumpeters were loaded with great Bundles of Bunches and huge knots of Clusters In summ every one of them was out of array and all in disorder He hurried therefore upon them so rudely without crying gare or beware that he overthrew them like Hogs tumbled them over like Swine striking athwart and alongst and by one means or other laid so about him after the old fashion of Fencing that to some he beat out their Brains to others he crushed their Arms batter'd their Legs and bethwack'd their sides till their Ribs crack'd with it to others again he unjointed the Spondyles of the Neck disfigured their Chaps gash'd their Faces made their Cheeks hang flapping over their Chin and so swing'd and belammed them that they fell down before him like Hay before a Mower To some others he spoiled the frame of their Kidneys marr'd their Backs broke their Thigh bones pash'd in their Noses poach'd out their Eyes cleft their Mandibules tore their Jaws dung in their Teeth into their Throat shook asunder their Omoplates or Shoulder-blade sphacelated their Shins mortified their Shanks inflamed their Ankles heaved off of the Hinges their Ishies their Sciatica or Hip-gout dislocated the Joints of their Knees squatter'd into pieces the boughts or pestles of their Thighs and so thump'd mawl'd and be labour'd them every where that never was corn so thick and threefold thresh'd upon by Plowmens Flails as were the pitifully disjointed Members of their mangled Bodies under the merciless baton of the cross If any offer'd to hide himself amongst the thickest of the Vines he laid him squat as a Flounder bruised the Ridge of his Back and dash'd his Reins like a Dog If any thought by flight to escape he made his Head to fly in pieces by the Lambdoidal commissure If any one did scramble up into a Tree thinking there to be safe he rent up his Perinee and impaled him in at the Fundament If any one of his old acquaintance happened to cry out Ha Friar Iohn my Friend Friar Iohn quarter quarter I yield my self to you to you I render my self So thou shalt said he per force and thy Soul to all the Devils in Hell then suddenly gave them Dronos If any was so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his Face then was it he did shew the strength of his Muscles for without more ado he did transpierce him by running him in at the Breast through the mediastine and the Heart Others again he so quash'd and be bump'd that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short Ribs he overturn'd their Stomachs so that they died immediately To some with a smart souse on the Epigaster he would make their Midrif swag then redoubling the blow gave them such a home push on the Navel that he made their Puddings to gush out To others through their Ballocks he pierced their Bum-gut and left not Bowel Tripe nor Intral in their Body that had not felt the impetuosity fierceness and fury of his Violence Believe that it was the most horrible Spectacle that ever one saw Some cried unto Sanct Barbe others to St. George O the holy Lady Nytouch said one the good Sanctess O our Lady of Succors said another help help Others cried Our Lady of Cunaut of Loretta of good Tidings on the other side of the Water St. Mary over some vowed a Pilgrimage to St. Iames and others to the holy Handkerchief at Chamberry which three Month after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one thread of it saved Others sent up their Vows to St. Cadouin others to St. Iohn d' Angelie and to St. Eutropius of Xantes Others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon St. Martin of Candes St. Clouod of Sinays the holy Relics of Laurezay with a Thousand other jolly little Sancts and Santrels Some died without speaking others spoke without dying some died in speaking others spoke in dying Others shouted aloud Confession Confession Confiteor miserere in manus So great was the cry of the wounded that the Prior of the Abbey with all his Monks came forth who when they saw these poor Wretches so slain amongst the Vines and wounded to death confessed some of them But whilst the Priests were busied in confessing them the little Monkeys ran all to the place where Friar Iohn was and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance To which he answer'd that they should cut the Throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground They presently leaving their outer Habits and Cowls upon the Rails began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed Can you tell with what Instruments they did it with fair Gulliâ—s which are little â—uâ—ch-back'd Demi-knives wherewith the little Boys in our Country cut ripe Walnuts in two In the mean time Friar Iohn with his
like a Boar which the Mongrel Mastiff-hounds have driven in and overthrown amongst the Toils What did they then All their Consolation was to have some Page of the said jolly Book read unto them And we have seen those who have given themselves to an hundred Punchions of old Devils in case that they did not feel a manifest Ease and Asswagement of Pain at the hearing of the said Book read even when they were kept in a Purgatory of Torment no more nor less than Women in Travail use to find their Sorrow abated when the Life of St. Margarite is read unto them Is this nothing find me a Book in any Language in any Faculty or Science whatsoever that hath such Virtues Properties and Prerogatives and I will be content to pay you a Chapine of Tripes No my Masters no it is peerless incomparable and not to be matched and this am I resolved for ever to maintain even unto the Fire exclusivè And those that will pertinaciously hold the contrary Opinion let them be accounted Abusers Predestinators Impostors and Seducers of the People It is very true that there are found in some noble and famous Books certain occult and hidden Properties in the number of which are reckoned Whippot Orlando furioso Robert the Devil Fierabras William without fear Huon of Bourdeaux Monteville and Matabrune but they are not comparable to that which we speak of And the World hath well known by infallible Experience the great Emolument and Vtility which it hath received by this Gargantuine Chronicle for the Printers have sold more of them in two Months time than there will be bought of Bibles in nine Years I therefore your humble Slave being very willing to increase your Solace and Recreations yet a little more do offer you for a Present another Book of the same stamp only that it is a little more reasonable and worthy of Credit than the other was for think not unless you wilfully will err against your Knowledg that I speak of it as the Jews do of the Law I was not born under such a Planet neither did it ever befal me to lie or affirm a thing for true that was not I speak of it like a jolly Onocrotarie I should say Preignotary of the martyrized Lovers and Croquenotarie of Love Quod vidimus testamur It is of the horrible and dreadful Feats and Prowesses of Pantagruel whose Menial Servant I have been ever since I was a Page till this hour that by his leave I am permitted to visit my Cow-Country and to know if any of my Kindred there be alive And therefore to make an end of this Prologue even as I give my self fairly to an hundred Panniers full of Devils Body and Soul Tripes and Guts in case that I lie so much as one single word in this whole History In like manner St. Anthony's Fire burn you Mawmet's Disease whirl you the Squinzy choke you Botches Crinckums sink you plumb down to Pegtrantums Plagues of Sodom and Gomorrah cram your pocky Arse with Sorrow Fire Brimstone and Pits bottomless swallow you all alive in case you do not firmly believe all that I shall relate unto you in this present Chronicle The Second Book of RABELAIS Treating of the Heroick Deeds and Sayings of the Good PANTAGRUEL CHAP. I. Of the Original and Antiquity of the Great Pantagruel IT will not be an idle nor unprofitable thing seeing we are at leasure to put you in mind of the Fountain and Original Source whence is derived unto us the good Pantagruel for I see that all good Historiographers have thus handled their Chronicles not only the Arabians Barbarians and Latines but also the gentle Greeks who were eternal Drinkers You must therefore remark that at the beginning of the World I speak of a long time it is above forty two Quarantains of Nights according to the supputation of the ancient Druids a little after that Abel was killed by his Brother Cain the Earth imbrued with the Blood of the Just was one Year so exceeding fertile in all those Fruits which it usually produceth to us and especially in Medlars that ever since throughout all Ages it hath been called the Year of the great Medlars for three of them did fill a Bushel In that Year the Calends were found by the Grecian Almanacks there was that Year nothâ—ng of the Month of March in the time of Lent and the middle of August was in May. In the Month of October as I take it or at least September that I may not err for I will carefully take heed of that was the Week so famous in the Annals which they call the Week of the three Thursdays for it had three of them by means of the irregular Bissextile occasioned by the Sun 's having tripped and stumbled a little towards the left hand like a Debtor afraid of Serjeants and the Moon varied from her Course above five Fathom and theâ—e was manifestly seen the Motion of Trepidation in the Firmament called Aplanes so that the middle Pleiade leaving her Fellows declined towards the Equinoctial and the Star named Spicâ— left the Constellation of the Virgin to withdraw her self towâ—rds the Ballance which are Cases very terrible and Matters so hard and difficult that Astrologians cannot set their Teeth in them and indeed their Teeth had been pretty long if they could have reached thither However account you it for a Truth that every body did then most heartily eat of these Medlars for they were fair to the Eye and in Taste delicious But even as Noah that holy Man to whom we are so much beholden bound and obliged for that he planted to us the Vine from whence we have that nectarian delicious precious heavenly joyful and deifick Liquor which they call the Piot or Tiplage was deceived in the drinking of it for he was ignorant of the great Virtue and Power thereof So likewise the Men and Women of that time did delight much in the eating of that fair great Fruit but divers and very different Accidents did ensue thereupon for there fell upon them all in their Bodies a most terrible Swelling but not upon all in the same place for some were swollen in the Belly and their Belly strouted out big like a great Tun of whom it is written Ventrem Omnipotentem who were all very honest Men and merry Blades and of this Race came St. Fatgulch and Shrovetuesday Others did swell at the Shoulders who in that place were so crump and knobby that they were therefore called Montifers which is as much as to say Hill-carriers of whom you see some yet in the World of divers Sexes and Degrees Of this Race came Aesop some of whose excellent Words and Deeds you have in Writing Some other Puffes did swell in length by the Member which they call the Labourer of Nature in such sort that it grew marvellous long plump jolly lusty stirring and Crest-risen in the Antick fashion so that they made use of it as
with the Dormouse whose Hawks Bells were made with a puntinaria after the manner of Hungary or Flanders Lace and which his Brother-in-Law carried in a Panier lying near to three Chevrons or bordered Gueules whilst he was clean out of heart drooping and crest-fallen by the too narrow sifting canvassing and curious examining of the Matter in the angulary Dog-hole of nasty Scoundrels from whence we shoot at the vermiformal Popingay with the Flap made of a Fox-tail But in that he chargeth the Defendant that he was a Botcher Cheese-eater and Trimmer of Man's Flesh imbalmed which in the arsiversy swagfal tumble was not found true as by the Defendant was very well discussed The Court therefore doth condemn and amerce him in three Poringers of Curds well cemented and closed together shining like Pearls and cod-pieced after the Fashion of the Country to be payed unto the said Defendant about the middle of August in May but on the other part the Defendant shall be bound to furnish him with Hay and Stubble for stopping the Caltrops of his Throat troubled and impulregafized with Gabardines garbeled shufflingly and Friends as before without Costs and for cause Which Sentence being pronounced the two Parties departed both contented with the Decree which was a thing almost incredible for it never came to pass since the great Rain nor shall the like occur in thirteen Jubilees hereafter that two Parties contradictorily contending in Judgment be equally satisfied and well pleased with the definitive Sentence As for the Counsellors and other Doctors in the Law that were there present they were all so ravivished with Admiration at the more than Humane Wisdom of Pantagruel which they did most clearly perceive to be in him by his so accurate Decision of this so difficult and thorny Cause that their Spirits with the Extremity of the Rapture being elevated above the pitch of actuating the Organs of the Body they fell into a Trance and sudden Extasy wherein they stayed for the space of three long Hours and had been so as yet in that Condition had not some good People fetched store of Vineger and Rose-water to bring them again unto their former Sense and Understanding For the which God be praised every where And so be it CHAP. XIV How Panurge related the manner how he escaped out of the Hands of the Turks THe great Wit and Judgment of Pantagruel was immediately after this made known unto all the World by setting forth his Praises in Print and putting upon Record this late wonderful Proof he hath given thereof amongst the Rolls of the Crown and Registers of the Palace in such sort that every Body began to say that Solomon who by a probable Guess only without any further certainty caused the Child to be delivered to its own Mother shewed never in his time such a Master-piece of Wisdom as the good Pantagruel had done happy are we therefore that have him in our Country And indeed they would have made him thereupon Master of the Requests and President in the Court but he refused all very graciously thanking them for their Offer for said he there is too much Slavery in these Offices and very hardly can they be saved that do exercise them considering the great Corruption that is amongst Men. Which makes me believe if the empty Seats of Angels be not fill'd with other kind of People than those we shall not have the final Judgment these seven thousand sixty and seven Jubilees yet to come and so Cusanus will be deceived in his Conjecture Remember that I have told you of it and given you fair Advertisement in time and place convenient But if you have any Hogsheads of good Wine I willingly will accept of a Present of that which they very heartily did do in sending him of the best that was in the City and he drank reasonably well But poor Panurge bibbed and bowsed of it most villainously for he was as dry as a Red herring as lean as a Rake and like a poor lank slender Cat walked gingerly as if he had trod upon Eggs so that by some one being admonished in the midst of his Draught of a large deep Bowl full of excellent Claret with these words Fair and softly Gossip you suck up as if you were mad I give thee to the Devil said he thou hast not found here thy little tipling Sippers of Paris that drink no more than the Chaffinch and never take in their Beak full of Liquor till they be bobbed on the Tails after the manner of the Sparrows O Companion if I could mount up as well as I can get down I had been long e're this above the Sphere of the Moon with Empedocles But I cannot tell what a Devil this means This Wine is so good and delicious that the more I drink thereof the more I am a-thirst I believe that the Shadow of my Master Pantagruel maketh Men a-thirsty as the Moon doth the Catarrs and Defluxions At which word the Company began to laugh Which Pantagruel perceiving said Panurge what is that which moves you to laugh so Sir said he I was telling them that these devilish Turks are very unhappy in that they never drink one drop of Wine and that though there were no other harm in all Mahomet's Alcoran yet for this one base Point of Abstinence from Wine which therein is commanded I would not submit my self unto their Law But now tell me said Pantagruel how you escaped out of their Hands By G Sir said Panurge I will not lie to you in one word The rascally Turks had broached me upon a Spit all larded like a Rabbet for I was so dry and meagre that otherwise of my Flesh they would have made but very bad Meat and in this manner began to rost me alive As they were thus roasting me I recommended my self unto the Divine Grace having in my Mind the good St. Lawrence and always hoped in God that he would deliver me out of this Torment which came to pass and that very strangely for as I did commit my self with all my Heart unto God crying Lord God help me Lord God save me Lord God take me out of this Pain and hellish Torture wherein these traiterous Dogs detain me for my Sincerity in the Maintenance of thy Law the Turn-spit fell asleep by the Divine Will or else by the Virtue of some good Mercury who cunningly brought Argus into a Sleep for all his hundred Eyes When I saw that he did no longer turn me in roasting I looked upon him and perceived that he was fast asleep then took I up in my Teeth a Fire-brand by the end where it was not burnt and cast it into the Lap of my Roaster and another did I throw as well as I could under a Field-bed that was placed near to the Chimney wherein was the Straw-bed of my Master Turn-spit presently the Fire took hold in the Straw and from the Straw to the Bed and from the Bed to
short in France A Little while after Pantagruel heard News that his Father Gargantua had been translated into the Land of the Fairies by Morgue as heretofore were Oger and Arthur and that the Report of his Translation being spread abroad the Dipsodes had issued out beyond their Borders with Inrodes had wasted a great part of Vtopia and at that very time had besieged the great City of the Amaurots Whereupon departing from Paris without bidding any Man farewel for the Business required Diligence he came to Rowen Now Pantagruel in his Journey seeing that the Leagues of that little Territory about Paris called France were very short in regard of those of other Countries demanded the cause and reason of it from Panurge who told him a Story which Marotus du Lac Monachus set down in the Acts of the Kings of Canarre saying that in old times Countries were not distinguished into Leagues Miles Furlongs nor Parasanges until that King Pharamond divided them which was done in manner as followeth The said King chose at Paris a hundred fair gallant lusty brisk young Men all resolute and bold Adventurers in Cupid's Duels together with a hundred comely pretty handsome lovely and well complexioned Wenches of Picardy all which he caused to be well entertained and highly fed for the space of eight days then having called for them he delivered to every one of the young Men his Wench with store of Money to defray their Charges and this Injunction besides to go unto divers Places here and there And wheresoever they should biâ—cot and thrum their Wenches that they setting a Stone there it should be accounted for a League Thus went away those brave Fellows and sprightly Blades most merrily and because they were fresh and had been at rest they were jumming and tumbling almost at every Field's end and this is the Cause why the Leagues about Paris are so short But when they had gone a great way and were now as weary as poor Devils all the Oil in their Lamps being almost spent they did not chink and dufle so often but contented themselves I mean for the Mens part with one scurvy paultry Bout in a day And this is that which makes the Leagues in Britany Delanes Germany and other more remote Countries so long Other Men give other Reasons for it but this seems to me of all other the best To which Pantagruel willingly adhered Parting from Rowen they arrived at Honfleur and there took shipping Pantagruel Panurge Epistemon Eusthenes and Carpalim In which Place waiting for a favourable Wind and caulking their Ship he received from a Lady of Paris that had formerly been kept by him a long time a Letter directed on the out-side thus To the best Beloved of the Fayr And the least Loyal of the Brave PNTGRL CHAP. XXIV A Letter which a Messenger brought to Pantagruel from a Lady of Paris together with the Exposition of a Posy written in a Gold-Ring WHen Pantagruel had read the Superscription he was much amazed and therefore demanded of the said Messenger the Name of her that had sent it Then opened he the Letter and found nothing written in it nor otherways inclosed but only a Gold Ring with a square Table-Diamond Wondering at this he called Panurge to him and shewed him the case whereupon Panurge told him that the Leaf of Paper was written upon but with such Cunning and Artifice that no Man could see the Writing at the first sight therefore to find it out he set it by the Fire to see if it was made with Sal Almoniack soaked in Water then put he it into the Water to see if the Letter was written with the Juice of Tithymalle After that he held it up against the Candle to see if it was written with the Juice of white Onions Then he rubbed one part of it with Oil of Nuts to see if it were not written with the Lee of a Fig-tree and another part of it with the Milk of a Woman giving Suck to her eldest Daughter to see if it was written with the Blood of red Toads or green Earth-frogs Afterwards he rubbed one Corner with the Ashes of a Swallow's Nest to see if it were not written with the Dew that is found within the Herb Alcakengy called the Winter-cherry He rubbed after that one end with Ear-wax to see if it were not written with the Gall of a Raven Then did he dip it into Vineger to try if it was not written with the Juice of the Garden Spurge After that he greased it with the Fat of a Bat or Flittermouse to see if it was not written with the Sperm of a Whale which some call Ambergris Then put it very fairly into a Basin full of fresh Water and forthwith took it out to see whether it were written with Stone-allum But after all Experiments when he perceived that he could find out nothing he called the Messenger and asked him Good Fellow the Lady that sent thee hither did she not give thee a Staff to bring with thee thinking that it had been according to the Conceit whereof Aulus Gellius maketh mention and the Messenger answered him No Sir Then Panurge would have caused his Head to be shaven to see whether the Lady had written upon his bald Pate with the hard Lee whereof Sope is made that which she meant but perceiving that his Hair was very long he forbore considering that it could not have grown to so great a length in so short a time Then he said to Pantagruel Master by the Virtue of G I cannot tell what to do nor say in it For to know whether there be any thing written upon this or no I have made use of a good part of that which Master Francisco di Nianto the Tuscan sets down who hath written the Manner of reading Letters that do not appear That which Zoroastes published Peri grammaton acriton And Calphurnius Bassus de literis illigibilibus But I can see nothing nor do I believe that there is any thing else in it than the Ring Let us therefore look upon it which when they had done they found this in Hebrew written within Lamach sabathani whereupon they called Epistemon and asked him what that meant to which he answered that they were Hebrew Words signifying Wherefore hast thou forsaken me Upon that Panurge suddenly replied I know the Mystery do you see this Diamond it is a false one This then is the Exposition of that which the Lady means Diamant faux that is false Lover why hast thou forsaken me Which Interpretation Pantagruel presently understood and withal remembering that at his Departure he had not bid the Lady farewel he was very sorry and would fain have returned to Paris to make his Peace with her But Epistemon put him in mind of Aeneas's Departure from Dido and the Saying of Heraclitus of Tarentum That the Ship being at anchor when need requireth we must cut the Cable rather than lose time about untying of it
that poor Carpalin had almost been burnt and had it not been for his wonderful Agility he had been fried like a roasting Pig but he departed away so speedily that a Bolt or Arrow out of a Crossbow could not have had a swifter Motion When he was clear of their Trenches he shouted aloud and cried out so dreadfully and with such Amazement to the Hearers that it seemed all the Devils of Hell had been let loose At which Noise the Enemies awaked but can you tell how even no less astonished than are Monks at the ringing of the first Peal to Matins which in Lusonnois is called Rubbalock In the mean time Pantagruel began to sow the Salt that he had in his Bark and because they slept with an open gaping Mouth he filled all their Throats with it so that those poor Wretches were by it made to cough like Foxes Ha Pantagruel how thou addest greater Heat to the Firebrand that is in us Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss by Means of the Drugs which Panurge had given him and piss'd amidst the Camp so well and so copiously that he drowned them all and there was a particular Deluge ten Leagues round about the History saith if his Father's great Mare had been there and piss'd likewise it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous Deluge than that of Deucalion for she did never piss but she made a River greater than is either the Rhosne or the Danube which those that were come out of the City seeing said They are all cruelly slain see how the Blood runs along but they were deceived in thinking Pantagruel's Urine had been the Blood of their Enemies for they could not see but by the Light of the Fire of the Pavilions and some small Light of the Moon The Enemies after that they were awaked seeing on one side the Fire in the Camp and on the other the Inundation of the urinal Deluge could not tell what to say nor what to think Some said that it was the End of the World and the final Judgment which ought to be by Fire Others again thought that the Sea-Gods Neptune Protheus Triton and the rest of them did persecute them for that indeed they found it to be like sea-Sea-water and Salt O who were able now condignly â—o relate how Pantagruel did demean himself against the three hundred Giants O my Muse my Calliope my Thalia inspire me at this time restore unto me my Spirits for this is the Logical Bridg of Asses here is the Pitâ—al here is the Difficulty to have Ability enough to express the horrible Battel that was fought Ah would to God that I had now a Bottle of the best Wine that ever those drank who shall read this so veridical History CHAP. XXIX How Pantagruel discomfited the three hundred Giants armed with Free-stone and Loupgarou their Captain THE Giants seeing all their Camp drowned carried away their King Anarchus upon their Backs as well as they could out of the Fort as Aeneaâ— did to his Father Anchises in the time of the Conflagration of Troy When Panurge perceived them he said to Pantagruel Sir yonder are the Giants coming forth against you lay on them with your Mast gallantly like an old Fencer for now is the time that you must shew your self a brave and an honest Man And for our part we will not fail you I my self will kill to you a good many boldly enough for why David killed Goliah very easily and then this great Lecher Eusthenes who is stronger than four Oxen will not spare himself Be of good Courage therefore and valiant charge amongst them with Point and Edg and by all manner of Means Well said Pantagruel of Courage I have more than for fifty Franks but let us be wise for Hercules never undertook against two that is well cack'd well scummered said Panurge do you compare your self with Hercules You have by G more Strength in your Teeth and more Scent in your Burn than ever Hercules had in all his Body and Soul so much is a Man worth as he esteems himself Whilst they spake those Words behold Loupgarou was come with all his Giants who seeing Pantagruel in a manner alone was carried away with Temerity and Presumption for Hopes that he had to kill the good Man whereupon he said to his Companions the Giants You Wenchers of the Low-countrey by Mahoon if any of you undertake to fight against these Men here I will put you cruelly to Death It is my Will that you let me fight single in the mean time you shall have good Sport to look upon us Then all the other Giants retired with their King to the Place where the Flagons stood and Panurge and his Camerades with them who counterfeited those that have had the Pox for he wreathed about his Mouth shrunk up his Fingers and with a harsh and hoarse Voice said unto them I forsake od Fellow-souldiers if I would have it to be believed that we make any War at all give us somewhat to eat with you whilst our Masters fight against one another To this the King and Giants jointly condescended and accordingly made them to banquet with them In the mean time Panurge told them the Follies of Turpin the Examples of St. Nicholas and the Tale of a Tub. Loupgarou then set forward towards Pantagruel with a Mace all of Steel and that of the best sort weighing nine thousand seven hundred Kintals and two Quarterons at the End whereof were thirteen pointed Diamonds the least whereof was as big as the greatest Bell of our Ladies Church at Paris there might want perhaps the Thickness of a Nail or at most that I may not lie of the Back of those Knives which they call Cut-lugs but for a little off or on more or less it is no Matter and it was inchanted in such sort that it could never break but contrarily all that it did touch did break immediately Thus then as he appoached with great Fierceness and Pride of Heart Pantagruel casting up his Eyes to Heaven recommended himself to God with all his Soul making such a Vow as followeth O thou Lord God who hast always been my Protector and my Saviour thou seest the Distress wherein I am at this Time Nothing brings me hither but a natural Zeal which thou hast permitted unto Mortals to keep and defend themselves their Wives and Children Country and Family in case thy own proper Cause were not in question which is the Faith for in such a Business thou wilt have no Coadjutors only a Catholick Confession and Service of thy Word and hast forbidden us all Arming and Defence for thou art the Almighty who in thine own Cause and where thine own Business is taken to Heart canst defend it far beyond all that we can conceive thou who hast thousand thousands of hundreds of Millions of Legions of Angels the least of which is able to kill all mortal Men and turn about the Heavens and Earth at his
Soul of the Universe which according to the Opinion of the Academicks vivifyeth all manner of things In Confirmation whereof that you may the better believe it to be so represent unto your self without any prejudicacy of Spirit in a clear and serene Fancy the Idea and Form of some other World than this take if you please and lay hold on the thirtieth of those which the Philosopher Methrodorus did enumerate wherein it is to be supposed there is no Debtor or Creditor that is to say a World without Debts There amongst the Planets will be no regular Course all will be in Disorder Iupiter reckoning himself to be nothing indebted unto Saturn will go near to detrude him out of his Sphere and with the Homerick Chain will be like to hang up the Intelligences Gods Heavens Demons Heroes Devils Earth and Sea together with the other Elements Saturn no doubt combining with Mars will reduce that so disturbed World into a Chaos of Confusion Mercury then would be no more subjected to the other Planets he would scorn to be any longer their Camillus as he was of old termed in the Hetrurian Tongue for it is to be imagined that he is no way a Debtor to them Venus will be no more Venerable because she shall have lent nothing The Moon will remain bloody and obscure For to what end should the Sun impart unto her any of his Light He owed her nothing Nor yet will the Sun shine upon the Earth nor the Stars send down any good Influence because the Terrestrial Globe hath desisted from sending up their wonted Nourishment by Vapours and Exhalations wherewith Heraclitus said the Stoicks proved Cicero maintained they were cherished and alimented There would likeways be in such a World no manner of Symbolization Alteration nor Transmutation amongst the Elements for the one will not esteem it self obliged to the other as having borrowed nothing at all from it Earth then will not become Water Water will not be changed into Air of Air will be made no Fire and Fire will afford no Heat unto the Earth the Earth will produce nothing but Monsters Titans Giants no Rain will descend upon it nor Light shine thereon no Wind will blow there nor will there be in it any Summer or Harvest Luâ—â—fer will break loose and issuing forth of the depth of Hell accompanied with his Furies Fiends and Horned Devils will go about to unnestle and drive out of Heaven all the Gods as well of the greater as of the lesser Nations Such a World without lending will be no better than a Dog-kennel a place of Contention and Wrangling more unruly and irregular than that of the Rector of Paris a Devil of an Hurly-burly and more disordered Confusion than that of the Plagues of Douay Men will not then salute one another it will be but lost labour to expect Aid or Succour from any or to cry Fire Water Murther for none will put to their helping Hand Why He lent no Money there is nothing due to him No body is concerned in his Burning in his Shipwrack in his Ruine or in his Death and that because he hitherto had lent nothing and would never thereafter have lent any thing In short Faith Hope and Charity would be quite banish'd from such a World for Men are born to relieve and assist one another and in their stead should succeed and be introduced Defiance Disdain and Rancour with the most execrable Troop of all Evils all Imprecations and all Miseries Whereupon you will think and that not amiss that Pandora had there spilt her unlucky Bottle Men unto Men will be Wolves Hobthrushers and Goblins as were Lycaon Bellorophon Nebuchodonosor Plunderers High-way Robbers Cut-throats Rapperees Murtherers Payloners Assassinators lewd wicked malevolent pernicious Haters set against every body like to Ismael Metabus or Timon the Athenian who for that cause was named Misanthropos in such sort that it would prove much more easie in Nature to have Fish entertained in the Air and Bullocks fed in the bottom of the Ocean than to support or tolerate a rascally Rabble of People that will not Lend These Fellows I vow do I hate with a perfect Hatred and if conform to the pattern of this grievous peevish and perverse World which lendeth nothing you figure and liken the little World which is Man you will find in him a terrible justling Coyle and Clutter The Head will not lend the sight of his Eyes to guide the Feet and Hands the Legs will refuse to bear up the Body the Hands will leave off working any more for the rest of the Members the Heart will be weary of its continual Motion for the beating of the Pulse and will no longer lend his Assistance the Lungs will withdraw the use of their Bellows the Liver will desist from convoying any more Blood through the Veins for the good of the whole the Bladder will not be indebted to the Kidneys so that the Urine thereby will be totally stopped The Brains in the interim considering this unnatural course will fall into a raving Dotage and with-hold all feeling from the Sinews and Motion from the Muscles Briefly in such a World without Order and Array owing nothing lending nothing and borrowing nothing you would see a more dangerous Conspiration than that which Esope exposed in his Apologue Such a World will perish undoubtedly and not only perish but perish very quickly Were it Asculapius himself his Body would immediately rot and the chafing Soul full of Indignation take its Flight to all the Devils of Hell after my Money CHAP. IV. Panurge continueth his Discourse in the praise of Borrowers and Lenders ON the contrary be pleased to represent unto your Fancy another World wherein every one lendeth and every one oweth all are Debtors and all Creditors O how great will that Harmony be which shall thereby result from the regular Motions of the Heavens Methinks I hear it every whit as well as ever Plato did What Sympathy will there be amongst the Elements O how delectable then unto Nature will be our own Works and Productions Whilst Ceres appeareth loaden with Corn Bacchus with Wines Flora with Flowers Pomona with Fruits and Iuno fair in a clear Air wholsom and pleasant I lose my self in this high Contemplation Then will among the Race of Mankind Peace Love Benevolence Fidelity Tranquility Rest Banquets Feastings Joy Gladness Gold Silver single Money Chains Rings with other Ware and Chaffer of that nature be found to trot from hand to hand no Suits at Law no Wars no Strife Debate nor wrangling none will be there an Usurer none will be there a Pinch-penny a Scrape-good Wretch or churlish hard-hearted Refuser Good God! Will not this be the Golden Age in the Reign of Saturn The true Idea of the Olympick Regions wherein all Vertues cease Charity alone ruleth governeth domineereth and triumpheth All will be fair and goodly People there all just and vertuous O happy World O People of that
doth not communicate unto this Earth of ours that Light which she receiveth from the Sun with so much Splendor Heat Vigour Purity and Liveliness as it was given her Hence it is requisite for the better reading explaining and unfolding of these Somniatory Vaticiations and Predictions of that nature that a dexterous learned skilful wise industrious expert rational and peremptory Expounder or Interpreter be pitched upon such a one as by the Greeks is called Onirocrit or Oniropolist For this cause Heraclitus was wont to say that nothing is by Dreams revealed to us that nothing is by Dreams concealed from us and that only we thereby have a mystical Signification and secret Evidence of things to come either for own prosperous or unlucky Fortune or for the favourable or disastrous Success of another The Sacred Scriptures testifie no less and profane Histories assure us of it in both which are exposed to our view a thousand several kinds of strange Adventures which have befallen pat according to the nature of the Dream and that as well to the Party Dreamer as to others The Atlantick People and those that inhabit the Land of Thasos one of the Cyclades are of this grand Commodity deprived for in their Countries none yet ever dreamed Of this sort Cleon of Daulia Thrasymedes and in our days the Learned Frenchman Villanovanus neither of all which knew what Dreaming was Fail not therefore to morrow when the jolly and fair Aurora with her rosie Fingers draweth aside the Curtains of the Night to drive away the sable Shades of Darkness to bend your Spirits wholly to the task of sleeping sound and thereto apply your self In the mean while you must denude your Mind of every Humane Passion or Affection such as are Love and Hatred Fear and Hope for as of old the great Vaticinator most famous and renowned Prophet Proteus was not able in his Disguise or Transformation into Fire Water a Tyger a Dragon and other such like uncouth Shapes and Visors to presage any thing that was to come till he was restored to his own first natural and kindly Form Just so doth Man for at his reception of the Art of Divination and Faculty of prognosticating future things that part in him which is the most Divine to wit the 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 or Mens must be calm peaceable untroubled quiet still husht and not imbusied or distracted with Foreign Soul-disturbing Preturbations I am content quoth Panurge But I pray you Sir must I this Evening e're I go to Bed eat much or little I do not ask this without Cause For if I sup not well large round and amply my sleeping is not worth a forked Turnep all the Night long I then but dose and rave and in my slumbering Fits talk idle Nonsence my Thoughts being in a dull brown Study and as deep in their Dumps as is my Belly hollow Not to sup answered Pantagruel were best for you considering the state of your Complexion and healthy Constitution of your Body A certain very ancient Prophet named Amphiaraus wished such as had a mind by Dreams to be imbued with any Oracles for Four and Twenty Hours to taste no Victuals and to abstain from Wine three days together yet shall not you be put to such a sharp hard rigorous and extream sparing Diet. I am truly right apt to believe that a Man whose Stomach is repleat with various Cheer and in a manner surfeited with drinking is hardly able to conceive aright of Spiritual things yet am not I of the Opinion of those who after long and pertinacious Fastings think by such means to enter more profoundly into the Speculation of Celestial Mysteries You may very well remember how my Father Gargantua whom here for Honour sake I name hath often told us that the Writings of abstinent abstemious and long-fasting Hermits were every whit as saltless dry jejune and insipid as were there Bodies when they did compose them It is a most difficult thing for the Spirits to be in a good plight serene and lively when there is nothing in the Body but a kind of Voidness and Inanity Seeing the Philosophers with the Physicians jointly affirm that the Spirits which are styled Animal spring from and have their constant practice in and through the Arterial Blood refin'd and purify'd to the Life within the admirable Net which wonderfully framed lieth under the Ventricles and Tunnels of the Brain He gave us also the Example of the Philosopher who when he thought most seriously to have withdrawn himself unto a solitary Privacy far from the rusling clutterments of the tumultuous and confused World the better to improve his Theory to contrive comment and ratiocinate was notwithstanding his uttermost endeavours to free himself from all untoward noises surrounded and environ'd about so with the barking of Currs bawling of Mastiffs bleating of Sheep prating of Parrets tatling of Jackdaws grunting of Swine girning of Boars yelping of Foxes mewing of Cats cheeping of Mice squeaking of Weasils croaking of Frogs crowing of Cocks kekling of Hens calling of Partridges chanting of Swans chattering of Jays peeping of Chickens singing of Larks creaking of Geese chirping of Swallows clucking of Moorfowls cucking of Cuckows bumling of Bees rammage of Hawks chiâ—ming of Linots croaking of Ravens screeching of Owls whicking of Pigs gushing of Hogs curring of Pigeons grumbling of Cushet-doves howling of Panthers curkling of Quails chirping of Sparrows crackling of Crows nuzzing of Camels wheening of Whelps buzzing of Dromedaries mumbling of Rabets cricking of Ferrets humming of Wasps mioling of Tygers bruzzing of Bears sussing of Kitnings clamring of Scarfes whimpring of Fullmarts boing of Buffalos warbling of Nightingales quavering of Meavises drintling of Turkies coniating of Storks frantling of Peacocks clattering of Mag-pyes murmuring of Stock-doves crouting of Cormorants cigling of Locusts charming of Beagles guarring of Puppies snarling of Messens rantling of Rats guerieting of Apes snuttering of Monkies pioling of Pelicanes quecking of Ducks yelling of Wolves roaring of Lions neighing of Horses crying of Elephants hissing of Serpents and wailing of Turtles that he was much more troubled than if he had been in the middle of the Crowd at the Fair of Fontenoy or Niort Just so is it with those who are tormented with the grievous pangs of Hunger the Stomach begins to gnaw and bark as it were the Eyes to look dim and the Veins by greedily sucking some refection to themselves from the proper substance of all the Members of a Fleshy Consistence violently pull down and draw back that vagrant roaming Spirit careless and neglecting of his Nurse and natural Host which is the Body As when a Hawk upon the Fist willing to take her Flight by a soaring aloft into the open spacious Air is on a sudden drawn back by a Leash tied to her Feet To this purpose also did he alledge unto us the Authority of Homer the Father of all Philosophy who said that the Grecians did not put an end to their mournful mood
us to understand that every one in the Project and Enterprize of Marriage ought to be his own Carver sole Arbitrator of his proper Thoughts and from himself alone take Counsel in the main and peremptory closure of what his Determination should be in either his assent to or dissent from it Such always hath been my Opinion to you and when at first you spoke thereof to me I truly told you this same very thing but tacitly you scorned my Advice and would not harbour it within your mind I know for certain and therefore may I with the greater confidence utter my conception of it that Philauty or Self love is that which blinds your Judgment and deceiveth you Let us do otherways and that is this Whatever we are or have consisteth in Three Things the Soul the Body and the Goods now for the preservation of these Three there are Three sorts of Learned Men ordained each respectively to have care of that one which is recommended to his charge Theologues are appointed for the Soul Physitians for the Welfare of the Body and Lawyers for the Safety of our Goods hence it is that it is my Resolution to have on Sunday next with me at Dinner a Divine a Physician and a Lawyer that with those Three assembled thus together we may in every Point and Particle confer at large of your Perplexity By Saint Picot answered Panurge we never shall do any good that way I see it already and you see your self how the World is vilely abused as when with a Fox-tayl one claps another's Breech to cajole him We give our Souls to keep to the Theologues who for the greater part are Hereticks Our Bodies we commit to the Physitians who never themselves take any Physick and then we intrust our Goods to Lawyers who never go to Law against one another You speak like a Courtier quoth Pantagruel but the first Point of your Assertion is to be denied for we daily see how good Theologues make it their chief Business their whole and sole Employment by their Deeds their Words and Writings to extirpate Errors and Heresies out of the Hearts of Men and in their stead profoundly plant the true and lively Faith The Second Point you spoke of I commend for whereas the Professors of the Art of Medicine give so good order to the Prophylactick or Conservative part of their Faculty in what concerneth their proper Healths that they stand in no need of making use of the other Branch which is the Curative or Therapentick by Medicaments As for the Third I grant it to be true for Learned Advocates and Counsellors at Law are so much taken up with the Affairs of others in their Consultations Pleadings and such-like Patrocinations of those who are their Clients that they have no leisure to attend any Controversies of their own Therefore on the next ensuing Sunday let the Divine be our godly Father Hippothadee the Physitian our honest Master Rondibilis and the Legist our good Friend Bridlegoose nor will it be to my thinking amiss that we enter into the Pythagorick Field and choose for an Assistant to the Three aforenamed Doctors our ancient faithful Acquaintance the Philosopher Trouillogan especially seeing a perfect Philosopher such as is Trouiilogan is able positively to resolve all whatsoever Doubts you can propose Carpalin have you a care to have them here all Four on Sunday next at Dinner without fail I believe quoth Epistemon that throughout the whole Country in all the Corners thereof you could not have pitched upon such other Four which I speak not so much in regard of the most excellent Qualifications and Accomplishments wherewith all of them are endowed for the respective Discharge and Management of each his own Vocation and Calling wherein without all doubt or controversie they are the Paragons of the Land and surpass all others as for that Rondibilis is marrried now who before was not Hippothadee was not before nor is yet Bridlegoose was married once but is not now and Trouillogan is married now who wedded was to another Wife before Sir if it may stand with your good liking I will ease Carpalin of some parcel of his Labour and invite Bridlegoose my self with whom I of a long time have had a very intimate familiarity and unto whom I am to speak on the behalf of a pretty hopeful Youth who now studieth at Tholouse under the most learned vertuous Doctor Boissonnet Do what you deem most expedient quoth Pantagruel and tell me if my Recommendation can in any thing be steadable for the promoval of the good of that Youth or otherways serve for bettering of the Dignity and Office of the worthy Boissonet whom I do so love and respect for one of the ablest and most sufficient in his way that any where are extant Sir I will use therein my best Endeavours and heartily bestir my self about it CHAP. XXX How the Theologue Hippothadee giveth Counsel to Panurge in the matter and business of his Nuptial Enterprize THE Dinner on the subsequent Sunday was no sooner made ready than that the afore-named invited Guests gave thereto their Appearance all of them Bridlegoose only excepted who was the Deputy-Governor of the Fonspeton At the ushering in of the Second Service Panurge making a low Reverence spake thus Gentlemen the Question I am to propound unto you shall be uttered in very few Words Should I marry or no If my Doubt herein be not resolved by you I shall hold it altogether insolvable as are the Insolubilia de Aliaco for all of you are elected chosen and culled out from amongst others every one in his own Condition and Quality like so many picked Peas on a Carpet The Father Hippothada in obedience to the bidding of Pantagruel and with much Courtesie to the Company answered exceeding modestly after this manner My Friend you are pleased to ask Counsel of us but first you must consult with your self Do you find any trouble or disquiet in your Body by the importunate stings and pricklings of the Flesh That I do quoth Panurge in a hugely strong and almost irresistible measure Be not offended I beseech you good Father at the freedom of my Expression No truly Friend not I quoth Hippothadee there is no reason why I should be displeased therewith But in this Carnal Strife and Debate of yours have you obtained from God the Gift and special Grace of Continency In good Faith not quoth Panurge My Counsel to you in that case my Friend is that you marry quoth Hippothadee for you should rather choose to marry once than to burn still in Fires of Concupiscence Then Panurge with a jovial Heart and a loud Voice cried out That is spoke gallantly without circumbilivaginating about and about and never hit it in its centred Point Grammercy my good Father In truth I am resolved now to marry and without fail I shall do it quickly I invite you to my Wedding by the Body of a Hen we shall