she eat you the candle for you swore first 266. A Gentleman rideing near the Forrest of Whichwood in Oxfordshire ask'd a Fellow what that wood was call'd He said Whichwood Sir Why that wood Whichwood Sir Why that wood I tell thee He still said Whichwood I think says the Gentleman the man is Wood Yes says he I believe one of us is so but I can't tell which 267. In the Rumps time the Troopers kept a Guard in St. Pauls Church and an Essex man coming to town heard that Troop was then upon the Guard which quartered at their town So he went in and found the man that quartered at his house O Landlord says he how de' e By my troth says John I am glad to see this blessed Reformation in London for in our Town we can't get the people to Church but here the verie horses come to church 268. A rich Fool was begg'd by a Lord of the King and the Lord coming to another Noblemans house the Fool saw the picture of a Fool in the hangings which he cut out and being chidden for it answered You have more cause to love me for it for if my Lord hath see the Picture of a Fool in the hangings he may begg them of the King as he did my Lands 269. One being ask'd why he married so little a Wife answered Of all evils the least is to be chosen 270. A poor Fellow came to a Bulk in Cheapside and there he sate But the Apprentice bid him be gone for a lowzie rogue Says he as lowzie as I am I hold five pound I dine with such a Sheriff to day So the wager was laid and he comes to the Sheriffs house and desired to speak with him What 's your business says he Sir an 't please you what is a wedge of gold of half a yard long worth Friend says he I am just going to dinner sit down and I will talk with you after dinner After dinner he ask'd him about the Wedge of Gold Trulie Sir says he I did not tell you I had anie such but onlie I ask'd you What such a one was worth and if ever I find anie such your VVorship shall have the first refusal 271. A Gentleman landing at Rye in Sussex in Queen Elizabeths days and lying long in an Inn with his man could not defray his charges So his man went down to the host and said his master was a Jesuit and he would not stay with him Upon which the Constable was call'd who apprehended him for 't was death then to conceal a Jesuit So the town presentlie paid his charges and brought him safelie up to London and presented him to the Bishop there who presentlie knew the Gentleman and discharged him for he was a verie zealous Protestant only his man and he devised this trick to pay off their Rye-score 272 An Italian Traveller used to say that the Portuguese seems a fool and is so the Spaniard seems wise and is a fool the Frenchman seems a fool but is wise the Englishman is wise but cannot shew it and the Dutchman would be wise but for the pot and the pipe 273. A Gentleman once requested a thing of an unchast Woman No says she for had I an hundred things you should have none of them Well says he but I knew the time when haveing but one thing you let a friend use it 274. One ask'd why men sue always to women and women never to men Because says another women are alwaies readie for men and men not alwaies for women 275. A Doctor in Oxford at his own charges was mending a Causey and a Nobleman rideing by said how now Doctor I see you are mending the High-way but it is not the High-way to Heaven No my Lord says he if it were I should have wondered to have seen your Lordship come this way 276. One affirmed that he had seen a Cabbage so big that five hundred men on horseback might stand under its shade And I for my part says another have seen a Caldron so wide that three hundred men wrought therein each distant from the other twenty yards Then the Cabbage-lyer ask'd him For what use was that Caldron Says he To boil your Cabbage in 277. A Gentleman coming hungry home call'd for a dinner His man told him it had newlie struck tenâ— Puh says he don't tell me of ten by the Clock when it has struck twelve by my Stomach 278. Pope Sixtus the Fifth was a poor mans Son and his Fathers house was so ill thatcht that the Sun came in at manie places Upon which he would sport with his Nobilitie saying he was the Son of an Illustrious house 279. A Chandler haveing had some Candles stole One bid him be contented for in a short time says he I am confident they 'll all come to light 280 Bishop Bonner told Henrie the eight if he sent him on such a rough Message to the French King he 'd take his head off if he does says the King I 'll take a thousand of his Subjects heads off I Sir says he but I question whether anie of them will fit my shoulders 281. Noy the Lawyer thinking to abuse a Countrey Fellow driveing his Cart ask'd him why his forehorse was so fat and the rest so lean He could not well tell but he thought the forehorse was a Lawyer and the rest his Clients for which conceit he gave him an Angel 282. A Templer going at Christmas into Yorkshire to his Father took some other Templers a long with him and one of the Holydays he would have them to an Ale-house hard by where the woman was deaf So coming thither O my young Master says she I ha'n't seen you this seven years Then he thinking to abuse her drank to her saying here 's to thee and to all the Rogues Whores and Bawds in England She seeing his lips go but hearing him not said Come Sir I 'll pledge you for I know you drink to your Father and your Mother and those good Gentlewomen your Sisters 283. One told his Wife that he heard for certain that they were all counted Cuckolds in their town but one man Who dost think that should be says he Faith says she Husband I cannot think who it is 284. An Oxford Schollar blowing of his fire it seems the nose of the bellows dropt off Faith says he I see 't is cold weather for the nose of the bellows drops 285. A Tenant of the Archbishop of York came to his house to pay some rent and being in the Hall the Bishop came by and ask'd who it was An 't please your worships Honour says he I am come to bring you some rent Then he went into the Parlour and they told the man that he must say An 't please your Grace But the Bishop coming out again he was at An 't please your VVorships Honour They told him he must say Grace Must I so says he then putting his hat before his eyes he said
is All turd now 189. An antient harmless Gentleman and therefore harmless because he was toothless being at breakfast with some others among which was a young brisk and smart Lady that sate next to him and among other dishes of meat there was a lusty coller of brawn and the old man haveing a piece of it on his trencher which you know is a slippery meat and he putting a piece of it into his chops it quickly slipt out again upon the ladies trencher afore-said She presently fell a laughing and gave him a pin to fasten his mouth that no more should come out in that manner and with laughing so heartily at the conceit made an escape behind which the old man hearing presently gave her the pin back again telling her that place was the most fit to be fastned 190. A wild Fellow in the Rumps time being brought before a renowned Justice in the morning before his worship had drank his morning draught and to that end there stood a silver Beaker of ale nutmeg and sugar ready and after his examination says the Justice to him Is this true what they say against you the fellow being a t'other side the table True Sir says he and with that whipt into his hand the silver beaker afore-said and said if it be true I wish this Beaker may never go through me and so drank it up Now Sir says he I hope you will not believe them but me hereafter 191. A Countrey woman that liv'd at Headington near Oxford and upon a Sunday she being not well bid her maid go to church that afternoon and after Sermon was don her dame ask'd her what was the Text She said Truly forsooth Dame the Text was said before I came Well says she what said he in the middle of his Sermon Truly says she I was asleep then Well what did he say at the latter end then Indeed forsooth says she I went away before 't was don Well howsoever I will have you tell me somthing of it What says she d' ye think I am a blab of my tongue No I warrant you I was better bred than so 192. A man it seems that had to his wife as good a woman as any was in England but for whoreing lying swearing nastiness and other such small infirmities which made him define a woman rightly as he thought Says he Women are born in Wiltshire brought up in Cumberland lead their lives in Bedfordshire that is be in Cloth-fair near Smithfield till twelve a clock every day then bring their Husbands to Buckinghamshire and die in Shrewsburie 193. A Gallant had marcht in a bitter cold night up and down several streets to get him a lodging but no body would open to him some perhaps not knowing him and some perchance too well at last he bethought himself of getting a lodging a new kind of way and so went to the watch at Temple Bar and there call'd 'em all rogues and other vile names for which they had him to the Counter the next morning he was brought before the Alderman of the Ward and he said to him Me thinks you look something like a Gentleman pray what was your reason to abuse the Constable and his Watch thus without cause Truly Sir says he I will tell you the truth I had gone from street to street that bitter night to get some lodging but could find none at last I thank 'em they brought me to the Counter where I had a good fire good drink and a good bed for which courtesie I do here give them a Crown and this I 'll assure you Sir was the cause and nothing else and so he had his release 194. An ingenious young man that was set to a Borrding School to learn latine and to write and after he had been there more than two years his father sent him a letter that he should write to him that he might see how he had profited both in his learning and his writeing and so very Scholastically directs his letter to his father thus To my most obedient Father which is my Mothers Husband at the house where they live Says a man to him They won't find the house by this direction Puh says he no body but knows my fathers house for if I were in the Town I could find it my self and yet I have not been there this two years and at the end he subscribed thus I cease ever to be your dutifull Son and so forth 195. Two Oxonians were in a very great dispute there concerning the Man in the Moon whether a Gentleman or a Citizen and after a great deal of Pro's and Con's between them one of them solv'd it thus that when the Moon was at full then there was a Gentleman in her but when she appeared with two horns then he might be confident there was a Citizen in her and that they were lunatick that did not believe it the Spanish Count de Luna being at that time come to take a view of Oxford and to confirm it 196. A Frenchman as I hear coming late by Ludgate one night says one of the Watch to him Stand and come before the Constable Begar says he that is very pretty I cannot stand and come before the Constable too Stand I say says another and come before the Constable At which the Frenchman laught heartily saying Begar des men be all ingenious stand and come before the Constable at last the Constable appears Sir says he whither are you going Begar dat's very pretty too Mr. Constable I love you very much great deal well cause you be so like my wife for when I go out a door she says Husband whether are you going just like you Mr. Constable Sir says he whither are you going now Begar Mr. Constable me be going dere where you dare not go Where 's that says the Constable Why begar says he to bed to my own wife Mark you dat Mr. Constable and still laught on that the Constable to be rid as he thought of such impertinency let him go 197. King James being in his progress at Woodstock in Oxfordshire the King finding it to rain so one morning that he could not ride a hunting had got some of the Nobility and Gentry together resolving to be merry And one humour was that the King haveing that morning a fine curvetting Horse given him which kind of horse he never lik'd in his life told them that he that could tell the greatest lie should have that Horse So one told one lie and another another and several had told others that there was great laughing and just in the midst of this mirth in comes a countrey fellow complaining to the King that some of his servants had wrong'd him Well well says the King we 'll hear you of that anon Come come hither amongst us and you must know that he that can tell the greatest lie shall have that Horse Truly Sir says he and 't please your Grace I never told a lie
books and pay your charge at the next Inn so the Cordelier took him up on his back and when he was in the deepest place of the water the Cordelier asked the Jacobin if he had money enough to make good his promise yes that I have said he and thereupon chinkt his money in his pocket the Cordelier hearing this and finding a fit opportunity to be revenged let him drop in the water saying Brother you have done very ill to make me transgress my Orders for you know I am bound never to carrie anie money about me 401. A Peasant haveing been with his Confessor told him that he had eaten Eggs that Lent and was reproved for it forasmuch as Eggs made Chickens Chickens Cocks and Cocks Capons a little while after this Confessor sent to him for some eggs to set under an hen and he sent them all boiled very hard The Curat being ignorant thereof set them under his hen but finding in almost a months time no production he broke one of them and found it hard and so brake another a third a fourth a fifth till he had broken them all and found them all as the first boiled This so netled the Curate that he instantly went to the Peasant to know the reason of this abuse the Peasant excused himself saying he knew not what he meant Why you fool quoth the Curate did you ever think that Chickens could be hatched out of hard Eggs Why Father so you told me said he the last Lent for when I confessed to you that I had eaten eggs you chid me faying Eggs made Chickens Chickens Cocks Cocks Capons now if boiled Eggs which I did eat would ever have been Chickens Cocks and Capons How did I know but the boiled Eggs under your hen would come to be so too 402. A Countrey fellow seeing the Arch-Bishop of Cologn rideing in the fields with a great retinue compleatly armed laught out aloud being ask'd his reason for so doing he answered Because he wondred that St Peter Christs Vicar on earth being exceeding poor had left his successor so rich that his train should be more furnished with sword-men than gown-men The Arch-Bishop hearing this and being willing that the Fellow should have better knowledg of him in his place and dignity told him that he was not only Arch-Bishop but a Duke also and that as a Duke he rode with such an armed train of men but when he was in Church he was attended on as an Arch-Bishop Sir said this poor fellow I pray tell me when my Lord Duke shall be with the Devil what will become of the Arch-Bishop 403. A simple young man had a very great love to a young Maid as he thought and that he might live with her quietly without wrangling hereafter he thought of this expedient one day he told her that it was his full intent to marry her and to prevent future quarrels he said he would tell her all the secrets of his heart that their Alliance might be stronger amongst many other things he told her that in the heat of bloud he had got a son on a friend of his which son was yet living and desired her not to take it amiss No no said she I am very well pleased and now Sir let me tell you that a friend of mine got me with Child and if you intend to fortifie our Alliance it may be done with another marriage that is between your Son and my Daughter 405. A Butchers Wife in Paris haveing been suspected by her husband to have Cuckolded him to free him in part of that jealousie seemed very devout and frequently went to confession One day she went to her Confessor who amongst many questions ask'd her Whether somtimes she had not a mind to the flesh Indeed said she I love flesh so well that my mouth waters when ever I see a good bit though it be in Lent but I hope you eat it not said he not for a World said she I but said he This is not the flesh I mean answer me whether you ever had copulation with any besides your husband no indeed Father said she I never had collation with any but my husband Then said he in plainer terms had you never a desire to lie with another man I must confess said she I had a great mind to an Apothecaries Man our next neighbour but never did any thing for indeed the fool either would not or could not understand my meaning though it was as plain as a Pike-staff Ah Sister said the Confessor you know the will is as good as the deed however for this time I will absolve you that being don she dropt him a low courtesie and said Father I am willing to send you a quarter of mutton ready roasted for supper if you will take it in good part He thanked her and said he would The Service of the great Mass being finished he with a couple of his friends whom he invited to Supper came accordingly but the Mutton came not wherefore a Messenger was sent to the Butchers wife who told him she had sent it already he delivering his Message was sent back to assure her there was no such matter The woman remembring the words of the Confessor said Friend go tell your Master I had a good will to send it but my husband would not let me now your master told me we must take the will for the deed and so he is like for me and be as well content without the quarter of Mutton as if he had recieved it 405. At Calais there lived a young woman as famous for wit and beauty as infamous for her debauchery her husband was a very silly fellow and though he knew of the dishonesty of his wife with several persons yet he but mildly reproved her fearing to do otherwise but still advised her for the future to lock the door against such Cuckold-makeing Rascals Alas sweet heart said she what will that signifie since you know my Lock is such that everie Key will fit it 406. A Gentleman meeting one day with a Jester that belonged to the Duke of Rouen ask'd him what was his name My name said he is like my fathers And what is his name Why his quoth he is like mine Then what is both your names said the Gentleman to which the Jester replied One like another 407. Two Shavelings aliàs Friars were in disputation whether God had made more worlds than one the one of them alledged that passage in the Gospel concerning the cleansing often Leapers being Christs words Annon decem facti sunt mundi the other haveing had recourse first to the text answered him as learnedly with the words following Sed ubisunt illi novem 408. A French Jester being asked by one how he should use Tobacco that it might do him good he answered You must keep a Tobacco shop and sell it for certainly there are none else find good in it 409. He compared Women to Quich sands which seemed firm
Tally-man did not only trust her with a Suit of mans apparel but furnisht her self with many necessary things she wanted Being laded with credit home she came and having removed all their goods to a place convenient for their future projects the old Gentlewoman plaid the changling with her sex by throwing off her Female weeds and cloathing her self in every respect like a man the young Baggage for a while pretended her Mother was lately dead and that being left to the wide world she knew not what course to steer for want of advice there was a young man who belonged to the Sea did court her but she was fearful of engaging she at length and that in a little time had so wrought upon the affections of divers of the Neighbours partly by her good face and notable smooth tongue that they undertook not only to advise but assist her Whereupon understanding that her Sweet-heart lay as a Lodger in her house some of them came to enquire into his estate and being very well satisfied therein they then inquired into his resolution of marrying this young woman he protested he loved her before any in the World and if she would they should be marryed the next day it was agreed upon and accordingly the Mother in a Masculine habit went to Church where they were marryed according to form great was the jollity that day and night approaching they went to bed together but without any hopes of reaping the sweet enjoyment of a Marriage bed but by a dream or the strength of imagination The next day their mirth increased neither was there any diminution of it for one whole week Having spent time enough in reioicing they now pretended to mind their business the one for the house and the other abroad who carryed her business so craftily that she was not in the least suspected to be any other than she seemed to be for she was a Woman of an undannted Spirit and having a nimble Tongue and quick invention she had learned to bounce and huff with any Bully-Ruffin in the Strand Holbourn or Convent-garden besides as a further qualification to that boystrous occupation she could Smoak Drink and Swear with any Damme within twenty miles of London but when she returned home and was amongst her Neighbours she always wore the Vizor of temperance and sobriety never Swearing nor seldom Drinking more but what might be the Oyl to cheerfulness and hilarity Having gotten the good opinion of her Neighbours she was now resolved to make use of their Purses which she might easily do by pretending she had a great deal of mony due from the Navy office and which she had not received but should speedily and to confirm their belief shewed them several counterfeit Tickets This so wrought with some that they lent her mony and though not every one much yet many a little makes a Mickle Having enriched themselves with the spoils of others and not daring to stay any longer in that place they secretly removed and took a house remote from the former to prevent discovery in this house they intended to sell all sorts of Liquors for the entertainment of men and Women and therefore the old one thought it requisite to appear in a Garb suitable to that profession which was very plain and that she might possess the People with an Opinion that she was as so drest an innocent harmless Cuckold she behaved her self so simply to her supposed Wife that every one jndged him what he seemed and thereupon made addresses to the young one at such convenient times as the old one went abroad on purpose or was more than ordinary busie below by this means they had a very great Trade especially by that Venery which was winkt at as aforesaid in this manner they continued a good while and I have been credibly informed that the Mother and supposed Husband to her own Daughter when she had a desire to the same satisfactions she had pimpt for her Daughter she would put on her own Female Habit and sitting in the house as a customary Plyer the Daughter frequently by way of a kind return did play the Bawd for the Mother so long till they were apprehended for keeping a disorderly house and being carryed to a justice upon Examination were found guilty of what was alledged against them and so were committed to Bridewell the Keeper viewing the Faces of them both very strictly imagin'd he had seen before the Face of the elder which personated the man but could not for the present tell where at length he verily believed she had been formerly under his Jurisdiction hereupon he seized her doublet and striping it open found by lier Breasts what he had suspected the former Justice was informed hereof who sent for them both to appear before him upon further examination the seeming man was found to be only a lusty woman and Mother to that young woman she had marryed likewise it was proved against the young woman that she had frequently drest her self in mans apparel to enjoy her Amours with the greater security abroad for which they were both sent back again to Bridewell where they were severely lasht for their cheating Metamorphosis The Innocent Acceit A Person being very Rich was likewise oftentatious and very peevish a Daughter he had was tolerably handsom and was intirely beloved by a Country Gentleman of no mean Estate having gained the young Gentlemomans consent he acquainted her Parents with the Love he bore their Daughter who no sooner heard it but were in a great Passion their ambition judging him too mean a Fortune and therefore not only refused his offer but very uncivilly forbade him the House saying Moreover that if it should be their misfortune and his imaginary happiness to steal a Marriage and rob them of their Daughter he would never give them a farthing He obeyed their commands in that but resolved notwithstanding that he would see his Mistress whatever came on 't Love soon found out a way to effect it at which interview he told her what had past between him and her Parents and the refusal of the Match proposed she seemed exceedingly troubled hereat and wept bitterly the other to comfort her swore if she would be constant he would never forsake her and to shew the reality and integrity of his Affection offer'd to Marry her immediatly she consented and being married with all convenient speed they performed the rights of Hymen and sent her home to her Fathers House desiring her not to take any Notice of what had past and since the time of their being together was so short the Old ones could not suspect any thing A few days after this new married Gentleman got his supposed Maiden Wife into his company and having repeated his former delights he told her he would go into the Country giving her directions where to send to him and that if she proved with Child and that her Parents should discover it as that they would