Achilles I am uncertain but in this of the Wounding and Healing of my Soul I am not more certain of any thing in Nature than I am that the Spirit of Christ which Wounded me by the Law did also Heal me by the Gospel Job 5. 18. For he maketh Sore and Bindeth up He Woundeth and his Hands make whole OBSERVATION IV. See and Learn hence How stedfast and faithful God is to his Word of Promise When for Christ and the Gospel was forsaken and cast off by my Father and all other Fleshly Relations being turn'd out empty handed to the wide World and not knowing whether to go or what to do God took care of me and provided a Lodging and Friends for me which with the Peace of my Conscience gave me more satisfaction and comfortable content than all the Gallantry and Greatness of my Fleshly Relations Those sweet Promises Recorded in the Scriptures and made good by the Providence of God have oftentimes Refreshed and Ravish'd my pensive and weary Soul Psal 27. 10. When my Father and my Mother forsake me then the Lord will take me up Mat. 19 29. And every one that hath forsaken Houses or Brethren or Sisters or Father or Mother or Wife or Children or Lands for my Name 's sake shall Receive an Hundred fold and shall Inherit Everlasting Life Heb. 13. 5. Let your Conversation be without Covetousness and be content with such things as ye have For he hath said I will never never never never never leave thee nor forsake thee The Greek hath no less than five Negatives in this one Scripture to assure the true Believer that God will in no wise forget or forsake him I have been forsaken of my Nurse when but three Months old but I was taken into the Nursery of God's Providential Care which causes in me often to think with Comfort of that in Psal 22. 10. I was cast upon thee from the Womb thou art my God from my Mothers Belly The same Providence which took Care of the Head takes Care also of the Members I was forsaken of my Bodily Physitians But the Great Physitian of Soul and Body Cur'd me by poor Contemptible Snails I was forsaken of my Earthly Father and all Fleshly Relations But God is become by Grace and Free Adoption my Father who will never forske me Totally or Finally I was forsaken by my Brethren and Sisters But those who are the Sons and Daughters of God they are become my Brethren and Sisters And albeit many of them who know me not are on Malicious Reports prejudiced against me yet others of them who know me and Gods dealing with me they Love me dearly I have been forsaken by several of my Church Members in Ireland and England Christ my Lord and Master hath been so before me Jo. 6. 66. From that time many of his Disciples went back and walked no more with him Yet God is my God still I have been forsaken of My Brethren in the Sacred Office and left to stand alone when Popery and Quakerism were coming in like a Floud None stepping in to help or Encourage me against those Adversaries of Gods Religion But he that stood by Paul when all other Preachers in his day forsook him stood by me and emboldned me against their Threats and Malice I had Thoughts of Printing the most material Objections brought in by Satan to distress and distract a poor Sinner to keep him from Christ And how the Spirit of Grace Taught and Enabled me to Answer them all But my intended Brevity hath Prevented me therein All Glory Honour and Eternal Praise to the only Wise and Glorious God Father Son and Holy Ghost Amen Amen Postscript LEst Satan should get an Advantage by this Relation of God's strange and wonderful dealing with me in bringing me Home to Christ in such an unusual manner and his Handling me so sharply by the Spirit of Bondage As also his Bountiful dealing with me in making my Soul the Receptacle of such Ravishing Joy and unutterable Consolation upon Believing in Christ in Effectual Calling I thought it may be seasonable to give the present Caution to the Poor Doubting Tempted Believer who through Satans Subtilty Tempting will find him or her self wretchedly Prone to Conclude from what they read of my Conversion That the Work of true Conversion was never yet effectually wrought in themselves And that because they were never under such Terrible Bondage of Soul Neither ever yet were lifted up so near Heaven as I was Such Poor Tempted Believers are to consider the Particulars following for their help and relief against the Tempter in this Case First Consider That as in Nature there is a vast disparity or difference between Persons in the Natural Birth so there is as vast a difference in the Spiritual Birth Some Women go through abundantly more and sharper Pains and Throws in Travel than others meet with Some Babes meet with greater difficulties and dangers in the Birth than do others The causes whereof in Nature tho they appear not to us yet it is most certain that so it is So in Conversion some Souls pass through greater Horror and Bondage in the Consciences than others do Some are brought as it were through the very Jaws of Hell and desparation as I was others are dealt more easily and gently with Being sweetly allured and as it were insensibly Transplanted into Christ they not well knowing what is done to them Paul and the rugged Jaylor were handled more roughly their Conscience were more deeply Wounded with the frightning Terrors of God's Law set Home by the Spirit of Bondage than Lydia whose Heart the Lord opened with more gentle Touches of his Spirit Acts 9. 6. Acts 16. 15 29. That Woman who is safely Delivered without any danger or great difficulty to herself or her Babe hath no reason to question whether she be indeed Delivered because she went not through such danger and difficulty as her Neighbour did who narrowly escaped with her Life neither hath she any Cause of being Jealous with her Neighbour because her case or condition was more dangerous and desperate in Travel than was her own Thou who art brought to Christ by the gentle Drawings of the spirit of Grace and not brought so nigh to the affrightning sight of Hell And to such a Sense and feeling of the Pains of the Damned As have caused some to think themselves actually in Hell Admire at and Bless God for his Condescention towards thee in bringing thee through the New Birth so easily Secondly Consider That albeit the truth of thy Conversion be not so sensibly discern'd as the Conversion of that Person is who is brought Home in the way of Legal Terror Yet thou art bound to Bless God for the smallest measure of Grace bestowed on thee as the smallest Spark of Fire tho' it be hid under a great heap of Ashes is as truly Fire as the greatest Fire in Nature So thy small Grace which in comparison of some others Grace may be so weak and little that it can scarcely be discerned yet Grace it is tho' thou know it not to be so And he who bestowed it on thee and wrought it in thee he will never reject or neglect thee because of thy little Grace while he sees thee Constant and Diligent in the use of means Labouring to grow in Grace Esa 42. 3. Mat. 5. 6. Esa 41. 17. Phil. 1. 6. Oh! But I do not find that I am brought to Christ and which is far worse I fear I never shall To this I Answer in Two Particulars First Thy very fear about this greatest of Concerns is an Argument of thy Translation from the First Adam to the Second Adam Christ Jesus the Lord. If the Spirit of Grace had not given thee some Sight and Taste of the Excellency and Sweetness of Christ thou couldest never prize or desire after him 'T is only the Child that hath Tasted the Hony or Sugar that Longs and Crys for more Secondly If thou findest a fixt Resolution in thy Soul in going on to seek the Lord. And his Strength by Prayer and Supplication and other means of Grace not resting in or depending upon them but on Christ alone for Life and Salvation My Life for thine come Death when God Pleaseth to send it it will end all thy fears and put thee beyond the reach of all thine Enemies Thy frequent Crying to God in Prayer for Christ and Saving Grace is the Eccho of Christ Praying for thea at the Throne of Grace And thy going on and continuing to Watch at Wisdoms Gates could not possibly be without invisible Supplies of Spiritual Strength Communicated to thy Soul by the Spirit of Christ THE END
were Communicated to me in such a manner and measure as unspeakably passeth my Frail Capacity to tell forth or express Which occasioned me to call to Mind my former Wondering and Musing while going on in the way of my Ignorant and Blind Zeal in Serving God before the Spirit of Bondage visited me to think what the Joy of the Holy Ghost should mean Whenever I did Read of the Joy of the Holy Ghost Or did hear any mention thereof Joy of the Holy think I Lord what is that What is the meaning of it I cannot tell or apprehend what this Joy of the Holy Ghost should be Sixthly The Spirit of Adoption was given me whereby I was enabled to come to God's Throne of Grace and with a Holy and Humble Boldness to call him my God and my Father The Instinct in the New Creation wrought by the God of all Grace in me led me to God as the Fountain of all Good The Spirit given me putting into my Mouth Words of Solemn Thanks and Praise for the Greatness and Strangeness of my Salvation To my Knees I betook me Adoreing and Worshipping with my Spirit That Holy Jehovah Trinity in Unity and Unity in Trinity Father Son and Holy Ghost the True and Eternal God Whom all the time of my Blind Zeal and during the time of my Bondage State I had so Ignorantly Worshipped I was now and never before Enabled Jacob like to catch hold of and to Wrestle with a Reconciled God The Greatness Holiness and Infiniteness of his Majesty which before I knew him in Christ terrified and affrightned me with a Witness Animated and Encouraged me in Praying to him It is not to be Exprest in Words with what Alacrity and Chearfulness of Spirit I approached the Throne of Grace and with what Enlargedness and inward Meltings of Heart and Soul I called on God When I did but mention this My God and my Father Oh! what Ravishment of Soul did I Experimentally feel Overflowing and Drowning my very Spirit To my Bed I went with a Glad Ravish'd Heart Christ knows The Burning Inflammation which the Horror and Bondage of my Wounded Despairing Conscience caused in my Body was gon and my Bodys Disposition to Crookedness thought the sinking weight which lay on my Spirit within was Instantly Rebuked and caused to Retreat by the Glad and Joyful Tideings of Gospel Peace which that Night took up its Lodging within me Succeeding and Powerfully Supplanting that Spirit of Bondage which made me so hopeless and as I thought Past all possibility of escapeing Hell No sooner was I stretched in my Bed but Swooning and Fainting Fits of Love Sickness seized me I was Inwardly and Spiritually so Apprehensive of the Mysteriousness of Christs Incarnation his Humbling himself even to Death his lying Confined as a Prisoner in the Grave and his being Raised therefrom again his Ascending to Heaven from whence he came and his Sitting down at the Fathers Right Hand to Enter on the Work of Intercession with God And that as my Surety and Mediator and all for me that I verily thought my Body was near its Dissolution A thing which the clear and certain assurance given me of my being an Adopted Son of God made me even Long and Pant after My Thoughts and Meditations were now wholly Employed about Christ and that Blessed Change which I Sensibly felt was Past on me The sweet and Soul Ravishing Communion I had with Father Son and Holy Ghost was to me instead of Meat Drink and Sleep and that the most Pleasing and Satisfactory that I ever Enjoyed The Actings and Sufferings of Christ in the assumed Nature for me were so realized and the Virtue and Reconciling Efficacy of the same so sensibly set home on my Wounded and Bleeding Soul by the Spirit of Adoption that I thought I had the Person of Christ claspt in my Arms in the Bed Oh! The sweet Intercourses which by the Operation of the Holy Ghost passed between Precious Jesus and my Languid Soul Then was I made to know Experimentally the meaning of Rev. 3. 20. While I was Wakeing I was entertained with strange variety of Interlocution or Discourse which Passed between Christ and me which did Explain and Unfold to me that in Prov. 6. 22. During this I continued in such a Melting Frame that the very Pillow-beer under my Head was as if dipt in a River through the great abundance of Tears of unconceivable Joy which the Sense and feeling of Christ's Love constrained me to shed When I found a necessity of turning in my Bed I could not turn without my Dearly Beloved and Incomparably Loving Jesus in my Arms with me When I Slumber'd and Slept I was soon visited with most Joyful and Ravishing Dreams of God Christ Holy Ghost the Glory of Heaven and the unutterable Bliss and Felicity of those Souls who are Reconciled to God by Christ This was very Frequent and common when Sleep came on me after I had been Sealed in Beleiving And albeit I never durst to heed or mind Nocturnal Dreams yet they have sometimes had such a strange Influence on me that I have felt such delightful Joy and Comfort in my Spirit that sometimes I have been at a stand to think whether I had been asleep or awake It was a frequent Practice with me for some considerable time how long I cannot now Remember to arise in my Bed when I awaked out of My sleep to Bend my Knees and lift up my Eyes Hands and Heart to heaven to Land Praise and Magnify Father Son and Holy Ghost for the greatness and strangeness of my so unexpected and unlook'd for Salvation Being but the Night before yea and every Morning ready to Drop into final Desparation of ever being Saved Oh! What a loss was I at in my self Not knowing how sufficiently to Extol and Bless God for what had now befallen me I was even ready to quarrel with my self because of the narrowness and streightness of my Soul which hindred that I could not take in more of God and go out in more enlarged Expressions of Love and Praises to him For above six Months together I could neither lye down nor arise go down or come up Stairs pass in or out from one place to another but I strongly Conceited that I perceived a Guard of Angels attending my Person It cannot be Expressed with what scorn and abhorrence I look'd on the Pride and Gallantry of the Family where I Lived Their Changeable Suits of Rich and Glittering Apparel with their Choice Meats and sweet Musick with other delightful Pastimes I look'd on and accounted them but as Smoak and Dust The Titles of Worldly Honour wherein the Rest of my Relations did not a little Glory I accounted the same but a meer empty Vanity Oh! think I That my Poor Relations could see taste and feel what I do how would they disrelish and be ashamed and weary of these Poor perishing sensual Delights wherein they Place their Delight and
said I I Humbly Conceive that you are to Pray according to the present Condition of the Souls of your Family Pray Sir said my Lord How is it Possible for me to know the Inward Thoghts and Condition of my Families Souls so as to Order my Prayers accordingly My Lord Reply'd I albeit your Lordship cannot possibly Acquaint your self with all the Secrets of your Family yet you may by Catechizeing your Family and frequently Examining them about the State of their Souls and Gods Dealing with them find Matter enough to Enlarge on in Putting up Prayers to God for them in the General which is as much as the Rule of Duty directs or obliges to My Lord finding that the Truth I was call'd to Vindicate and the Spirit by which I spoke to be too Powerful for his Great Learning he let fall the Dispute which I am very sure was his Wisdom and his best Advantage so to do Considering that none ever yer prospered who continued to fight against God My Lord by this means found how I stood affected in Religion and accordingly Communicated to my Father his Judgement and Apprehensions of me Immediately a Consultation was held about me to Consider what Methods were most proper to take not only to prevent my farther Advancing in that way of Religion which they Accounted Phanaticism But also to bring me Back to the Church of England whereon I had turn'd the Back The Result of their Consultation as soon afterwards appeared Issued in a fixed Resolution to carry it towards me with all the Urbanity and Gentleness imaginable My Relations considering and knowing full well that my Temper and Spirit was to be drawn and won by Fair and Gentle means not to be Forc't by Violence According to the Methods agreed on I was at a strange and unusual Rate Treated by my Father my Lord my Grand-Mothers my Uncles and Aunts with the Rest of my Relations in such ways of Kindness and Love as caused in me some hopes that the Love and Kindness they shew'd and Express'd in their Dealing with me had Sprung from an Apprehension or Conviction in them that the Principles in Religion which I had Embraced in opposition to theirs were the Truth But I soon found that I was herein mistaken For It was not long before great offers were made me of making a Purse to Set me up in the World On condition I would desist going to Meetings and return apain to the Church wherein I was Born and Baptized And not bring such disgrace on the Holy Church of which my Ancestors were such Noted and Eminent Members And besides That I might not stain my Family by occasioning Peoples saying that a B and one who was Son to a Father in the Church was turned Phanatick To which they Added The Consideration of what a hopeful Prospect there was before me of Advancement to Worldly Greatness in Case I did not hinder my self by Continuing a Dissenter from the Church And what hardship and Poverty I must expect to Wrestle with to my own Ruin and the great Disgrace of the whole Family in Case I refused the Offers made me and the Advice and Counsel given for my own good To all which I was enabled with an Holy Magnanimity and becoming Fortitude to Reply that the Sight and Sense I had of a Future Happiness with God in Heaven had Blunted the Edge of my Appetite to these Poor Low and Empty Vanities which I question not will prove unspeakably more Vain Empty and Tormenting to me then they are in themselves should I for the Love of them loose my Soul In Case said I my Friends and Relations who seem so greatly concern'd for my Good can procure from Heaven an Infallible Certificate that my Closing with the Present offer on such a Condition as is now laid before me will not provoke the Holy Trinity and prove a Snare to my Immortal Soul I shall readily comply But if they cannot it will said I Prove your Wisdom to let me alone to Rejoyce in the Choice I have made Had my Relations felt what I have felt for Sinning against God and could they tast the Joy and Sweet Comforts of God which have put me out of Conceit and Love with the present World They would I question not be not only unwilling to Blame and Censure me for the choice I have made but they themselves would readily and Heartily make the same Choice for which I am now slighted and judged to be Miserable My Relations finding how ineffectual their Methods prov'd to gain me they soon turn'd their Smiles into Frowns and their kind Speeches into Discourageing Menaces what severe Courses should be taken with me to reclaim and reduce me to Obedience My Lord threatned severely that he would have me bound with Ropes on a Porters Back and brought into the Church in the time of Divine Service To this I Reply'd That if his Lordship did not as well Gag my Mouth as Bind my Hands and Feet I would certainly Roar out and Disturb all the People at their Devotion For fear of which no Force of that kind was offered me After some considerable time My Father and Lord finding that neither Fair and Gentle means would Allure and Draw me to the Lyturgy in their Church and that no Severity wherewith they threatened me could Drive me from the Pure Worship of God in the Meetings I was soon Attack't with greater and sharper Opposition than I had before met with from them First By my Father Who in the Presence and Hearing of at least Forty of our Family took me to Task about my Principles and in regard of the small hopes he had of Convincing me by the Arguments he used He openly declared his Resolution never to own me for his Son Unless I forsook the Meetings and came to the Church and Service again as formerly And this Sir said my Father I think fit to tell you before all these Friends to the end you may take it into Serious Consideration whether of the Twain you Judge more Eligible to forsake your Fanatick Opinion and Schismatical Companions or to be deprived of the Love and Affections of a Father And know it Sir said he that I do by the Authority of a Father Command and Require you to fix on whether of these two you intend to Choose and that within a Week If you resolve to hold your New Opinion I charge you to quit my Lords House and Provide another Lodging and as for me I charge you that you come not near my Doors or any of your Brethren or Sisters Doors I 'll see said he which of your Holy Brethren or Sisters will take you in To this I was enabled to Reply thus viz. Sir Though you Resolve according to your present Declaration to cast me out of your Paternal or Fatherly Affections and to disown me for your Son meerly for my Conscience to God because I cannot without greatly offending against God and Wounding my
the Chamber Door I found the Horror and Fright under which I Laboured greatly to encrease the Devil suggesting that he would either pull me back from entring into the Chamber or else that he would enter along with me to hinder or distract me in my intended Devotion All this while the place of Scripture above mentioned ran still in my Thoughts as before Being entred into my Chamber all in a Sweat and unusual Consternation of Spirit I stood before the Bed-side where I used to kneel in Praying and with my Eyes closed as I was taking my self to Task endeavouring to Recollect my Memory where I had been all that Day With what Company I had Convers'd What Duties I had knowingly omitted And what Immoralities I had any ways consented to All on a sudden I found the Eyes of my Understanding so clearly Enlightned that I was enabled to know and understand the meaning of that Place of Scripture which run all that Day in my Thoughts A Scripture than which The whole Book of God could not afford a more suitable Text for the design therein which was to debase the Creature and to Extol and to Advance the Grace and Mercy of the Most High Jehovah who alone Excluding all others is God over all Blessed for Evermore I was from the time of my first awakening as above mentioned possess'd of an Opinion that Conversion consisted in an External or outward Reformation of the Life and that it was in the Power of the Creature to effect the same And that by Repenting of the by-past Follies of Youth and by a Strenuous and Zealous Constancy in walking strictly according to the Precepts of the Moral Law both negatively and possitively for the time to come I was then under the Predominancy of a legal Spirit and acting under the Covenant of Works looking with the Bond-Womans Children for Justification and Life Eternal in the way of Works Reckoning it the only sure and safe way to expect Salvation by performing the Conditinal Covenant of Works and abounding in such personal Qulifications as might render me acceptable to God Of which I have often thought I had as great measure as any he I knew Living I shall not Insist on the Particulars of those Inherent Qualifications wherein I am apt to believe I did match if not out strip the strictest Moralist I know who is yet in his Natural State In short I was exceeding Zealous in the Law not in the least understanding the Spiritual meaning thereof or how miserably wretched I was by reason of its Condemning Sentence against not only my worst but also against my most Refined Acts of Morality I did then as too to many do at this Day of Gospel Light viz. set up the Letter of the Law in opposition to the Spirit of the Law But so it pleased God that by his enabling me to understand the Mind of his Spirit in that Text I soon became convinced that I had taken wrong Methods in order to get from under the Laws Curse and to have a Settled Peace in my self The Course I had taken for Relieving my wounded and sinking Spirit I perceived to be directly contrary to the Gospel way of saveing lost Sinners I was all for Doing and Working and the more Works I did the farther I found my self from true Peace and Comfort My Chief and only Work now was Believing in the Son of God in whom alone that Righteousness is to be found which Reconciles a Sinner to an offended God From that Text above mentioned the Covenant of God's Free Grace in Christ was Explained and laid open before the Eyes of my Enlightned Understanding the Terms whereof I found were as far wide of or contrary to the way to which the Covenant of Works directs for attaining Life Eternal as the East is from the West or as Heaven is from Hell The Work of the Spirit in discovering Christ to me from that Text and his drawing me to close with Christ so discovered was so ful of amazing and astonishing Wonderment and surprizing Ravishment of Soul that I am no mroe able to Express or Relate the same than I am able to find out the Dimensions of the Sun or to give an exact account of the Number of the Stars There was held as it were a Court of Enquiry in my Soul The Holy Ghost which before was the Spirit of Bondage wounding and killing me by the Terrible Sentence of the Law He is become the Spirit of Adoption to Consummate a Sweet and Blessed Marriage between the Lord Jesus Christ God's only Son by Eternal and Ineffable Generation and a poor lost and undone Prodigal who as Adam's Child was Born Heir of the Curse Partaker of a Nature as Vile and Poluted as Hell it self could make it and whose Case and Condition in respect of inward Horrour and Despair of Soul differed but little at least as I thought and believed from that of the Damned in Hell Six Things this Blessed Spirit of Adoption did effect in order to Consummate this Match First He discovered and made known to me who the Lord Jesus held forth in the Gospel was from whence he came and to what end the Father sent him Secondly He made plain Discoveries to me of Christ's Almightiness to Save and Reconcile to God the worst and most wretched of Sinners and that the Righteousness which he as Mediator between God and Sinners hath wrought is the alone Righteousness by which a Sinner is to be Saved And that in a way of Believing though not for Believing that God for the sake and merrit of his Sons obedience to the Law both Active and Passive doth Frankly and Freely Pardon and Forgive the Poor Rebels Transgressions committed against the Moral Law as if he had never committed them and accounting the whole of that Righteousness of Christ both Active and Passive as truly the Sinners as if the Sinner had Personally performed the same himself and that in a way of free Imputation Thirdly He perswaded my Heart that God the Father against whose Law I had Sinned and whose Anger and Curse for the same I fear'd was really willing and desirous that I should be Reconciled to himself by the Virtue of his Sons Mediation and that by my betaking my self to him and casting my weary and sinking Soul on him to be introduced into his Presence and by his Spotless Comeliness put on me I might be made Amiable and Acceptable in his Sight Fourthly He Discovered to me and Perswaded my Hearts of the Full and Compleat Provision made by God and made known in the Covenant of Grace for the making Compleatly and Eternally Happy those Souls who are by Christ his Son Believed and Relied on for Salvation Reconciled to his Majesty In Respect of these and the like Discoveries which the Holy Ghost makes to the Elect in effectual Calling And between that and their Arriving at Glory he is Stiled the Spirit of Manifestation and of Revelation 1 Cor. 12.
7. Jo. 16. 14. Jo. 17. 6. Ephes 1. 17. Fifthly He Interrogated or Queried of my Soul as follows 1. Art thou become truly and thoroughly sensible and convinced that thou art by Departing from and Sinning against God an undone miserable and guilty Creature having lost his Blessed Image stamped on thee in Adam thy Natural and Faederal Head in the First Creation And being now become obnoxious to God's Curse and the Wrath to come and Partaker of such a Spiritual Impotency as Renders thee utterly uncapable of doing any thing whereby thou mayst be Delivered out of thy present folorn condition Art thou Conviuced that this thy Misery is of thy own bringing upon thee Sinner Answers O thou Most Holy Just and Tremenduous God! By the Light now Sprung from thee the Fountain of all Light into my Dungeon-like Soul I plainly see what a wretch I am become no way like what thou at first made me in Adam I am likewise fully Convinced that this my Misery was brought on me by my every way voluntary Defection and Apostacy when in Adam's Loins I first yielded to the Motion of the Tempter 2. Art thou Convinced of what the real Desert and Merit of thy Sinning against a Holy and Righteous God is What canst thou say against Gods Casting thee into Hell for that Hellish Rebelon of thine against his Holy and Righteous Law Sin Ans O thou Most Holy and Everlastingly Righteous God who canst not possibly Act amiss in any thing thou dost with thy Creatures I am by the Convincing Power of thy Holy Spirit made Sensible that by my Departing from and Rebelling against thy Majesty I have forfeited that Right I had in Adam to all Good Spiritual and Temporal And shouldst thou Cast me into Hell and Assign me my Portion with the Apostate Angels whose Conduct and wretched Example I followed when I turned my Back on thee thou art and wilt for ever be and remain a Just a Holy and a Most Righteous God my Misery is of my own Procurement and so far am I from reflecting on thee as unjust shouldst thou throw me from thee for ever that I am amaz'd and astonished to think I should be so long out of Hell The Place where I sometimes evenlong'd to be to try whether there was any specifical Difference between the Torments and Miseries of that Place and what I felt in my self while shut up in thy Laws Prison under the sharp and killing Pedagogie thereof 3. Hast thou Viewed and taken notice of that Mediator which I have proposed and discovered to thee in the Gospel Dost thou think or canst thou be perswaded that he can do thy Work for thee viz. Save thee from Curse and Wrath to come and not only so but to Restore thee and bring thee back again to the Favour and Fellowship of God Dost thou see in him an Adequate suitableness to Answer all thy Necessities Sinner Answers O Lord My Eyes are so intent and fix'd on that Mediator that I can have no leisure or spare time to look on any other object in Heaven or Earth never did neither can Men or Angels behold or see such an object except himself The Angels and all the Glory of the whole Creation are but Darkness and Deformity when compared to his Surpassing and Incomparable Amiableness and Loveliness since I had the first glimps of him as held forth and discovered by thy Divine and Efficacious Manifestation I have forgotten my Misery and the fearful Thoughts of Hell and Damnation are swallowed up of the Thoughts and Apprehensions I have of his suitableness to Answer the necessitous Condition of such a Sinner as I am 4. Hast thou Viewed and Observed him so as to like him and choose him for thy Reconciler and Saviour What sayest thou Poor Sinner Wilt thou have him for thine own 'T is Personal Propriety in him that makes the Thoughts and Sight of him Ravishing and Enriching for ever Sinner Answers O Tremendous and Astonishing Mystery of Divine Grace in sending forth from the Father and the Son that Holy Spirit of Promise that by his Illuminating Virtue and quickening Power I might have such a saving Sight of Christ the Saviour as should both beget in me a likeing to his Person and likewise cause in me a burning desire to be Vnited and Married to him I am indeed sick of Love to him and filled with such desires after him as nothing short of a Mystical Vnion to his Most Holy and Glorious Person can satisfy my thirsting Soul 5. Art thou willing that this Mediator shall have the whole Honour of Saving thee by his own Mediatorial Righteousness For As no Righteousness of a meer Creature can stand before the Bar of Gods Infinite and Incomprehensible Holiness and to abide such a Tryal as to be Judged fit and sufficient to Justifie a Sinner before God seeing that the Righteousness to which such Honour is Reserved and Assigned must be the Righteousness of God And also the Righteousness of a sinless Man so this Mediator will become a Saviour to none who will mix or join any thing of their own or other Creatures with his Immaculate and All-sufficient Righteousness The whole and entire Work of Reconciling and Saving Sinners is Devolv'd on him alone He will admit of no Competitor in this Work to which the Father hath Called and Anointed him And the which he himself as Vademony and Surety for God's Elect hath undertaken to go through and Perform What sayest thou Sinner Art thou willing to this Sin Ans O thou Holy of Holy's I see and find so little need of joyning any Righteousness of my own or other Creatures to the Compleat and Perfect Righteousness of this Mediator that I am resolved to look no where else for a Righteousness whereby to be Justified and Saved I am fully Convinced that as he needs no Coadjutor to help him out in this Work of Saving Sinners seeing he is the Holy and Almighty one of God able to Save to the uttermost So I see nothing like a Legal Righteousness which can Answer the Demand of the strict and Righteous Law of God either in my self or any other meer Creature whatsoever Whatever therefore is or can be Suggested or Objected by the Devil or Carnal Reason against this Righteousness of his as Insufficient to Save I am by Strength from above fixedly Resolved to cast my Weary Bleeding Soul thereon come Life come Death 6. There is a thing called the Cross which thou must expect and look to meet with if thou resolve to Live and Reign with Christ in Heaven hereafter Thou must look to Part with all that in this World is Near and Dear to thee for his sake and the Gospels Thou must Sacrifice thy Reputation and Credit among Men. Thou must become willing to be accounted a Fool a Madman a Turbulent Fellow an Enemy to Caesar a Separatist from the Church Thou must not think or look to be advanced to Worldly Wealth and
I was one of that Number whom God the Father Elected and Chose to himself in Christ out of the Corrupted Mass of Fallen Mankind And that before Time began and that my Name was Recorded in Heaven in the Lambs Book of Life 2. He assured me that my Sins and Transgressions committed against the Law and Majesty of Heaven were all laid to the Score of Christ by God the Father And by him as my Vademony and Surety Born and Satisfied for 3. He assured me that the Debt which I had Contracted both in Adam my Natural and Faederal Head and in my own Person was fully Paid and Actually Discharged by my Sponsor and Surety Christ by his Obeying and Keeping the Law perfectly for me and his bearing and undergoing in my Nature the Curse and Wrath of God to which by Sin I became Obnoxious 4. He assured me that God the Father is fully Satisfied with that Obedience Active and Passive of his own Son and that it is for the Worth and Merit of that Obedience that God Justifies and Accepts as Pleasing to him both me and the rest of his Elect for whom alone that Obedience was Performed 5. He assured me that all my Sins how many and great soever are Frankly and Freely Forgiven and Pardoned as if they had never been committed and that not for any Act done by me whether Believing on Christ or Repenting for Sin nor yet for the Sorrows and Miseries I underwent while under the Spirit of Bondage or for any Service to which I should be Called while in a Militant State but for his own Name and Glory sake and on the Account of what his Son my Mediator and Surety had done and suffered in my behalf 6. He assured me that God the Father Loved me with a Real and an Endeared Love before I was Called out of a State of Nature And that the Reason why he handled me so roughly by the Spirit of Bondage was not because he hated me as the Devil and Carnal Reason suggested Or that he might in any measure satisfy his Vindicative Justice for my Sins that being done long before I had a Personal Being But that he might make me the more sensible how hateful Sin is to him being so Contrary to his Pure Spotless and Blessed Nature and so Repugnant and Contradictory to his Holy Just and most Righteous Law As also so Destructive to his Elect whom he so Dearly Loves Also that I might know and become for ever sensible how unspeakably Wretched and Deplorable that State and Condition is into which by Sin Man hath brought himself and out of which no Created Power could possibly Save and Deliver him That I might for ever hate and loath Sin as the worst of Evils and become for ever sensible of the Greatness Goodness Love Mercy Wisdom and the unconceivable and Infinite All-sufficiency of the Glorious and Tremendous Jehovah Father Son and Blessed Spirit who himself without the Counsel or help of Creatures hath contrived and found out such a way of Restoring to his lost Favour his Elect and Chosen in Christ as neither they themselves nor the Angels could ever think of And finally that by his so sharply handleing me way may be made into my Soul for the Manifestation of his Great and Unexpressible Love wherewith he Loves me in Christ to Enter and make its Abode for ever And that from the Experience I have now gotten both by God's Wounding me by the Spirit of Bondage and his Healing and Comforting me by the Spirit of Adoption I might be fitted to speak Experimentally both to the Terrifying and Awakening Secure and Presumptuous Sinners As also to Heal and Comfort Instrumentally Poor Wounded and Bleeding Sinners when Sinking into those Depths of Despondency and Despair out of which the Out-stretched Arm of God's Grace and Almightiness hath Delivered and Rescued poor Sinful Nothing me 7. He assured me that I am now in a Justified Sanctified and Adopted State The lost Image of God being by his Sanctifying Operation Recovered in my Soul in measure 8. He assured me that I shall be made to Persevere and hold out in a State of Grace and that I shall be continued in the Love and Favour of God for ever and ever In despight of all that the Powers of Darkness can Contrive or Act against me 9. He assured me that the Eye of Divine Providence should be Everlastingly fixed on me and the Right Hand of God's Righteousness Everlastingly kept under me for my Security from being in danger at any time of finally Miscarrying or Perishing 10. He assured me that the very Indwelling Corruption in my Nature and whatever Falls or Miscariage which should at any time be occasioned thereby in my Life and Conversation Should with all the Afflictions attending me for the said Miscarriages most certainly and infallibly Work for my Eternal Good and Welfare whatever I my self or others should Judge to the Contrary 11. He assured me that I should meet with great Opposition and Tribulation in the World But that all mine Enemies should find they Laboured in vain For that God was on my side to take my Part against them And who will most certainly Crown all my Streights and Troubles with a happy Success 12. He assured me that God's Special Presence should be so with me in every Change of Condition in this World as that nothing should harm or spoil me Yea that Death it self the last Enemy of Nature should neither Terrify nor Hurt me The Mortal Sting thereof being by the Death of My Redeemer unstung and divested of its Power to harm me or any of Christs Redeemed ones These Particulars Discovered and set home by the Holy Ghost on my Trembling Panting Soul He Working me Powerfully to a Believing each Particular with Application to my self I was immediately surprized with a more Astonishing and overcoming Rapture of Inexpressible Joy than before I had clear manifestations of the Love of God to me in Particular and of the great things done and Prepared for me to make me Everlastingly happy in the Beholding and Enjoying himself as my God and my Father and Portion in Christ for ever According to the Unconditionate Free Covenant of his own Grace Made and Establshed in and with Christ his Son in the behalf of me and the rest of his Elect. No sooner did I look up to God and behold his Reconciled Face Smile on me in the Face of Jesus his Son but I felt such inward Soul Inebriating Joy as I verily thought would cause my very Soul to Fly out of my Body and my Body to burst in sunder The hardness of my Heart under which I Laboured all the time of my Bondage State and which I sensibly felt to grow and encrease as I called to Remembrance the many Follies of Youth and the Holy Law of God whereof those Follies were so many Breaches each Folly Deserving if it were Possible a Thousand Damnations was Melted and Thawn like a
lump of Ice before the warm Sun By the Sense and Perception I had of the Love of God vouchsafed to such a base and deformed Sinner as God knows I was and still am I felt the Servile and Mercenary Frame and Disposition of my Spirit take Wing and that Filial Child like Frame and Disposition of Spirit which is suited to a Gospel Dispensation Succeed in its Room And looking up to Heaven with the Tears flowing from me so extreamly fast that I heard them drop drop upon drop on the Floor where I stood continuing so long that I sensibly felt my Cheeks to Burn and Scald me My Soul in a strange Extasy running over those Particulars which the Holy Ghost had assured me of Here 's the Second Rapture of Joy What Joy like to this I now feel Who can possibly Relate or express it What! Hath God Elected me even me Sinful and Vile me And hath he done it before time And notwithstanding he perfectly knew what I should prove in time Oh! Wonderful Love Why me Lord Why me And not one of the Reprobates in Hell who never Sinned against thee to that Degree that I have And hath God laid mine Iniquities even all my Iniquities on the Back of Christ and Charged them to his Score as my Surety Oh! Amazing Mistery of Divine Love and Grace Who is able to know whether the Father or the Son Loves me Most The Father in Laying my Sins on his own and only Son tho Innocent and Harmless Or the Son in Condescending to Bear them as his own Sins And are all those Sins of mine Discharg'd and satisfied for by the Active and Passive Obedience of Christ my Surety who hath kept the Law for me Oh! Wonderful Condescention both of Father and Son Is it so as I feel it is That God the Father is fully Satisfi'd with that his Sons Obedience And that I am now Justifi'd in his Sight by the Virtue thereof Oh my Soul What Cause hast thou to Rejoyce and Adore God for ever And was the Love of God set on me Even when in a State of Vnregeneracy Who but a Mercenary Legalist will not be hence Convinced of the Orthodoxy and Soundness of that Distinction Which differenceth between the Person of an Elect Sinner and the Sinful Pravity of Nature which Cleaves to him Surely my Soul If God had really hated thee and had he been Wrath with thee as he is with all the wicked Reprobates who have no share in the Redemption of his Son Even then when thou wast un-called he might have sent thee to Hell Who could have hindred him And were the Reasons wherefore he handled thee so roughly by the Spirit of Bondage as have been discovered by the Holy Ghost And not because he hated thee or any way design'd to satisfy his Vindicative Justice for thy Sins What Cause hast thou to Reflect on and Abhor thy self for all thy hard Thoughts and unbecoming Apprehensions which were lodg'd in thee of God and his Dealing with thee And is it certain as most certainly it is seeing God cannot Lye That I Poor Sinful I shall be made to Persevere and hold out in a State of Grace and continue in Gods Favour for ever Oh! What unspeakable cause hast thou to Adore Love and Praise Jehovah to all Eternity And what little Reason hast thou to be discouraged to think of what the Powers of Darkness can do to hinder thy Perseverance And will the Eye of Divine Providence be on me and the Right Hand of God's Righteousness kept under me to Secure me for ever from finally Miscarrying or Perishing How great Encouragement is this to thee my Soul to have the Eye of Faith and Hope Dependingly fixt on the Faithfulness and Almightiness of God seeing the End and the Means are ever Inseparable And hath God that cannot Lye Promised and Engaged that the very Being of Indwelling Corruption with all the Out-breaking thereof in my Conversation As also the many Afflictions attending the same shall infallibly Work for my Eternal Good What Reason have I to Cry out and say with astonishment of Soul Who is a God like unto thee who Pardonest Iniquity and Passeth by the Trasgression of the Remnant of thine Heritage Who out of Darkness producest Light and out of the greatest Evil canst bring the greatest Good And is it so That notwithstanding the many and great Oppositions and Tribulations I am to meet with in the World I shall through Christ accompanying and strengthening me be brought through them and made a Compleat Conqueror in the End How greatly Zealous ought I to be in Loving and Lauding the True and Living God Father Son and Holy Ghost whose Tremendous and Glorious Name is Infinitely Transcending all Praises which Saints or Angels are Capable of giving And seeing that from henceforth till I come to Heaven the special Providence of God will be with me in every Change of Condition so as nothing shall be able to do me Harm What unspeakable Cause have I to fear with a Reverential Holy and Filial Fear the Glorious Name and Infinite Majesty of the Great God And how unbecoming me for whom God hath done so many and wonderful things will it be to Fear either Devils or Men who set themselves against God and his Sons Interest O my Soul Rejoyce now in God who is become thy Salvation and Fear nothing but what may any way grieve his Holy and Tender Spirit Marvelous and unutterable were those Manifestations of Gods Love let out upon me his poor nothing Creature in that Moment of his Spirits Sealing me in Believing and by the Sense whereof the Holy Ghost fill'd up those Vallys and Bottoms in my Soul and Conscience occasioned by the sharp and terrible Workings of the Spirit of Bondage And as the Manifestations but now Mentioned were in themselves Marvelous and Astonishing so were also the Sensible Effects they Produced in me Wonderful and Ravishing Those Effects I Reduce for Orders sake to Six Heads First The Horrour and Guilt of my Conscience was gon which was Succeeded by the Answer of a good Conscience towards God which did inwardly Suggest and Dictate to me That my State and Condition Godward is truely Safe and most Happy Secondly The Spiritual Vail which Covered my Heart and Mind and which kept me from seeing into the Mistery of the Gospel was taken off like Scales or a Web off the Eyes of a Blind Man Whereon I was enabled to See and Behold who and what Jesus held forth in the Gospel is to me Thirdly The Affrighting Distractions and Overwhelming Hurricanes of my Despairing Soul occasioned by my continual expectation of being sent to Hell were turned into an unexpected and Soul surprizing Calm and Sedate Frame of Spirit Fourthly The Spirit of Slavish Fear which on every occasion Tormented and Rackt me vanisht and the Spirit of Power of Love and of a sound Mind was given me Fifthly The Joy and Comforts of the Holy Ghost