not a little pleased with his Wife's Bargain forthwith demanded what Sot it was that had offer'd so much A Codshead you may be sure reply'd the Wife and to prove him such he is just now got into it to see what Profit he is like to make Here the Gallant finding his Cue peep'd out and cry'd good Woman would you have me tell you the Truth this Tub is exceeding old and very full of Cracks you ought not in Conscience to have so much for it as I bid you Then turning to her Husband quoth he cunningly and you honest Man whosoever you are Prythee lend me a Candle a little that I may scrape out the â—…lth and know whether it be for my turn or no before I pay my Money if you think I come honestly by it Hereupon our subtile Vulcan little dreaming of the design upon him presently fetch'd a Candle and coming up to him said Prythee stand aside a little Friend and let me see what I can do for 't is but reason you should have it as clean as may be Then stripping himself and delivering the Candle to his Wife he crept into the Tub and begun to work amain on the dry'd Lees whilst the crafty Lover did as much on his Consort whom he had laid athwart the Vessel All this while the good Woman leaning over her Head to light her Husband amus'd the poor Man by shâ—…wing him that here and there and there were places to be cleans'd But at length both labours being ended the contented Cuckold having receiv'd the half Crown thought himself further oblig'd to take the Hogshead on his Back and carry it to his Friends House A Story taken out of Theophilus 194 LArissa lov'd to tell Stories and being one Day in Company she was pleas'd to entertain them with the follies of her Youth in this manner I served once a Roman Citizen together with a young Grecian Slave whom the Storm had also oblig'd to serve tho' born Free Nature had engraven in the Face of this young Man all the marks of Nobleness and of that good Education which he ow'd to his Birth and the care of his Parents and one might easily see that he was not born for the Condition to which his hard Fortune had reduc'd him if he was to carry any Burden he sunk under the lightest yet he would needs do every thing and forgot his Birth to adapt himself to the present State of his Fortune But not being able to bear hard labour nor the course Food of Servants he grew insensibly very weak and neglected himself to that degree that he did not so much as comb his Hair which was the finest in the World In a little time he became lean and full of Wrinckles his Eyes grew hollow and languishing his Hands black and course in fine he was not the same Man Melancholy had sunk his Spirit as much as Fatigue had impair'd his Health he sigh'd often and his affliction mov'd my Pity I thought Fortune was very unjust to him I endeavoured to comfort him under it wept for his Misfortunes taught him what he must do and did part of it my self to ease him His wretched state did not take away from him a noble Air and I know not what preheminence over my Birth which made me sensible of the difference of his to which I willingly submitted He knew well enough how much he was oblig'd to me and return'd me thanks with the politeness of a Courtier In short I was so much affected with those Accomplishments that thinking I had only Pity for his Misfortunes I found my self in Love with his Person and indeed I lov'd him desperately This Story of Larissa had drawn to her the attention of the whole Company but especially of two young Maidens who counterfeited sleep lest decency should oblige them to retire if they seem'd to hear what she said One of them having open'd her Eyes and cast them upon Larissâ—… as tho' it were by Chance closed them again immediately As for the other making as if she was just awake is it Day already Said she with a blush The Company took notice of their cunning and fell a laughing in the mean time Larissa had done speaking alledging that she was unwilling to go through with this Adventure for fear of making the young Ladies uneasy and begun to threaten the Company with some old and grave Stories But Eugeniâ—…s impatient to know the rest of this Tale Alass Larissa said he these young Maids have all this while counterfeited sleep only to hear you speak with more liberty and I assure you they long more than any of us to know the end of your Story Go on I beseech you said he embracing her She consented promis'd to end the Story as modestly as possible and calling the young Maids she told them Tho' Maids be tied to Modesty Yet youth allows some Liberty And thus resum'd her Discourse One while I complained of Love and another while I pray'd to him Great God said I often to him either cure me or make me belov'd of him I love All this while I could neither eat nor sleep Gison for that was the name of my Dear recover'd his Beauty every Day for Time which conquers all had alleviated his Sorrows For my part I was no more the same Woman and the more Glison's charms encreas'd the more my secret Passion alter'd my Mind my Face and Humour I had not the assurance of disclosing my Passion and yâ—…t was mad to conceal it As for Glison he was uâ—…acquainted with my Disease he was sorry for me and only repaid with thankfulness the Obligations he had to me and contented himself to ease me in my Business of a Slave as I had done him in his But at last being no longer Mistress of my Passion I saw my self forc'd to discover it therefore upon a Friday Oh! happy Day which I shall never forget having found Glison upon my Bed where he used sometimes to take his Repose after Dinner I desired him melting into Tears to take pity on me He granted my requâ—…st and seem'd very well pleas'd to have sav'd my Life Now you my Children be merry whilst youth permits you for the remembrance of past Pleasureâ—… will be the only ones of your old Age. The ingenious Thoughts noble Sentiments Jests and witty Reparties of the MODERNS With some pleasant STORIES ENGLISH and FRENCH 1 HEnry the Eighth King of England being at odds with Francis I. King of France resolv'd to send him an Ambassadour with a very haughty and threatning Message and to that purpose made choice of Bishop Bonner in whom he reposed great Confidence The Bishop told him that his Life would be in great danger if he should oâ—…er such Language to so high-spirited a King as Francis the First Be not afraid said Henry VIII for should the French King put you to Death I would take off many a Head of those French Men that are here in my
the other Indeed Sir I have been told there is no better Bait in the World than an Excise-man 118 One having been a long Journey and to make the more hast rid Post being come home very weary desired his Wife to excuse him from embracing of her that Night She seem'd pretty well contented but curs'd thoâ—…e in her Heart that invented riding Post. The next day walking with his Wife into the Yard he espy'd the Cock aâ—…leep in the Sun by the Hens then he ask'd his Wife what made the Cock so dull and sleepy Truly says she I don't know unless he has rid Post. 119 A Sea-Captain was saying his Great Grandfather's Grandfather and Father dy d at Sea Says one â—…o him If I were as you I would never go to Sea for that trick Why says he where did all your Relations dye He answer'd In their Beds Well reply'd he If I were aâ—… you for the same â—…son I would never go into Bed 120 An English Merchant in Amsterdam was to sell a Thousand Pounds worth of Gloves to some â—…ews who recanting of the Bargain when they brought their Money would have but half the English Merchant desired a little time to sort them and told them they should have half so he commanded his Men to put all the Right-handed Gloves in one Parcel and the Left in another Then when the â—…ews came he bid them take their Choice which being done and the Money paid they began to pack up but perceiving at last they were all for one Hand they were forc'd to take the rest at the Merchant's Rates 121 A Gentleman order'd his Man to call him in the Morning at Six of the Clock but he awaked him at Four Being ask'd the reason he reply'd He came to tell him he had two Hours more to Sleep 122 A Cook serving a miserly Man said he would go from him being asked the reason says he If I stay here long I shall forget my Trade 123 A Lady having two Suitors one Tall and the other Short a Gentleman ask'd her Which she lik'd best Says she Indeed Sir I like the tallest if all things are proportionable 124 One ask'd why Men sooner give to Beggars than Scholars Another reply'd Because they think they may sooner come to be Beggars than Scholars 125 One was asking another his Opinion What the World thought of him Why reply'd the other you appear to the Wise foolish to Fools wise and pray what do you think of your self 126 A Father chid his Son for rising late and gave him an instance of a certain Man who being up betimes found a Purse full of Gold Answered the Son He that lost it was up still before him 127 A Physitian having sent for a Farrier to cure his Mule the second time he came the Physitian put Half a Crown into his Hand The Farrier return'd it and told him Sir We never take any Money of those of our own Profession 128 A Man said that Impertinencies resembled Misfortunes which never came by themselves and that when ever he heard any spoke he would bid it wellcome provided it came alone 129 Two young Men demanded a young Woman in Marriage of her Father one of which was Rich and the other Poor the Father having given her to the last some of his Friends ask'd him why he did not bestow her on the rich Man Because says he the rich Man has no Wit and so may grow Poor but the other who is a wise and sensible Man may easily grow Rich. 130 A Man that had but one Eye met early in the Morning one that had a crooked Back and said to him Friend you are loaden betimes 'T is early indeed reply'd the other for you have but one of your Windows open 131 A certain Man said That Wine had two bad Qualities First If you mix Water with it you spoil it Secondly If you mix none with it it will spoil your own self 132 Two riding from Shipton to Burford and seeing a Miller riding softly before them on his Sacks resolv'd to abuse him so one went on one side of him and t'other on the other side saying Miller now tell us which art thou more Knave or Fool Truly says he I don't know which I am most but I guess I am between both 133 In Flanders by accident a Flemish Tyler â—…ell from the Top of a House upon a Spaniard and Kill'd him though by good luck he escap'd unhurt himself the next of the Blood prosecuted his Death with great Violence against the Tyler and when he was offered Pecuniary Recompence nothing would serve him but Lex Talionis Whereupon the Judge said to him that if he did urge that kind of Sentence it must be that he should go up to the Top of the same House and from thence to fall down upon the Tyler and so to put him to Death the same way he had kill'd his Kinsman 134 The Spaniards sided with the Duke of Mayenne and the rest of those Rebels in France which call'd themselves the Holy League and a French Gentleman beîng ask'd the Cause of their Civil Broils with an excellent Allufion he replied they were Spania and Mania seeming by this answer to signifie 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Penury and 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 〈◊〉 Fury but covertly therein implying the King of Spain and the Duke of Mayenne 135 Thomas Aquinas came one Day to Pope Innocent the Third in whose Prefence they were at that time telling a great Sum of Money Thou seest Thomas said the Pope that the Church need not say now as she did at the biginning Silver and Gold I have none Thomas without study reply'd You say true Holy Father Nor can the Church say now as the Antient Church said to the Cripple Arise walk and be whole Note by the by that some relate this story of Pope Sixtus IV. and a Cordelier or Franciscan Frier 136 Pope Alexander the sixth was asking Jerome donatus Ambassador of Venice of whom the Venetians held those Rights and Customs of the Sea the Ambassadour answer'd him presently Let your Holiness shew me the Character of St. Peter ' s Patrimony and you shall find on the back thereof a Grant made to the Venetians of the Adriatick Sea 137 It was the saying of a merry conceited Fellow that in Christendom there were neither Schollars enough Gentlemen enough nor Jews enough And when answer was made that of all these there were rather too great a Plenty than any scarcety he replied that if there were Scholars enough so many ignorant Dunces would not be beneficed if Gentlemen enough so many Plebeians would not be rank'd amongst the Gentry and if Jews enough so many Christians would not profess Usury 138 In Queen Elizabeth's time when the Wars were hot betwixt England and Spain a negotiation was resolv'd upon to treat of Peace between these two Crowns in order to which Commissioners were appointed on both sides They met at a Town of the French
King's And first it was debated in what Tongue the Negotion should be handled A Spaniard thinking to give the English Commissioners a shrewd gird propos'd the French Tongue as most fit it being a Language the Spaniards were well Skill'd in and for the Gentlemen of England I suppose says he that they cannot be ignorant of the Language of their Fellow Subjects since their Queen is Queen of France as well as of England Nay in Faith my Masters replied Dr. Dale one of the English Commissioners the French Tongue is too vulgar for a business of this Secrecy and importance especially in a French Town Let us therefore rather treat in Hebrew the Language of Jerusalem whereof your Master is King and I suppose you are therein as well skill'd as we in the French 139 Poggius the Florentine tells a merry Story condemning the Folly of such especially mean Persons as spend their Time and Estates in Hunting and Hawking Mr. A Physician of Milan saith he that cured Mad-men had a Pit of Water in his House in which he kept his Patients some up to the Knees some to the Girdle some to the Chin as they were more or less affected One of them that was pretty well recover'd stood by chance in the Door and seeing a Gentleman ride by with a Hawk on his Fist and his Spaniels after him would needs know to what use all this preparation serv'd He made answer to kill certain Fowl the Patient demanded again what his Fowl might be worth which he killed in a Year He replied nine or ten Crowns and when he urged him further what his Dogs Horses and Hawks stood him in He told him four Hundred Crowns with that the Patient bid him be gone as he loved his Life and Welfare For said he if our Master come and find thee here he will certainly put thee into his Pit amongst Madmen up to the very chin 140 An Amouróus Lady having granted an Assignation to a Man who had express'd a Passion for her she receiv'd him in her Chamber all alone and very finely drest The Lover fell on his Knees to her and after many fine Speeches Oh! Madam says he to her Why have I not got you in the midst of a Wood What you design to Cut my Throat cryed the Lady in a Passion And thereupon call'd her Women to rid her of so cold a Lover 141 Two Brothers who liv'd together favour'd extreamly one another and bore the same Name A Man desired to speak to one of them Which do you ask for Said the Porter The Counsellor answer'd the Man They are both Councellors Him that Squints a little they both Squint Him that has a handsom Wife both their Wives are handsom Well then him who is a Cuckold By my Faith Sir answered the Porter I take them both to be Cuckolds Well said the Man these two Brothers are strongely fated to resemble one another 142 The Players acting at Paris before King Lewis XIII a Play against the Men of the Long Robe had placed among the Spectators one of their Company in a City-dress This Player who by his Habit appear'd like a Counsellor at Law stood up at the merriest part of the Play and said with a loud Voice That it was intolerable to see Lawyers thus played upon and that they should have Satisfaction for it In short he charg'd the Player to desist immediately and forbear going on with so insolent a Play I will have them go on with it answered the King who took him to be a Counsellor that broke in upon the Respect due to him by threatening them in his Presence Which created a new Diversion in the Audience when they came to know that he was a Player in Disguise And the King who understood Raillery was one of the first that laugh'd at his mistake 143 The Ingenious come off of Richard I. King of England for excusing to the Pope his keeping Philip Bishop of Beauvais his Prisoner is to be admired This Bishop was a Warlike Man very troublesom to the English who possest the best part of France Being at last fallen into their Hands the Pope not knowing how it came to pass wrote to the King for his Freedom as being a Clergyman and one of his beloved Sons Whereupon the King sent to the Pope the Armour in which the Bishop was taken having first caused these Words to be ingraven upon it Vide an haec sit Tunica Filii tui vel non See if this be the Coat of thy Son or not Which are the very Words that Jacob's Children used when they brought to him the Coat of their Brother Joseph The Pope viewing the Armour did ingenuously own That this Bishop was more like the Son of Mars than of the Church and so left him wholly to the King's Mercy 144 A poor Country-woman of Poitou fell into such a Lethargy that her Husband and all the Women of the Neighbourhood gave her over for Dead In order to bury her they only wrapt her up in a Sheet as 't is usual with the poor People of that Province As she was carried to the Church-Yard they pass'd so near a Thorn-bush that being prickt to the Quick by the Thorns she came out of her Lethargy but some Years after she died in good earnest Her Husband apprehensive of another Resurrection remembred the Thorn-bush And when his Wife's Corps came near it he fail'd not crying several times Take heed of the Thorn-bush do not come too near the Hedge 145 Sixtus V. being made Pope from a Cordelier or Gray-Friar did not change his Humour by changing his Fortune but kept still the Character of a facetious Man And he lov'd to run over in his Mind all the cunning Tricks he had played and the Adventures of his first Condition He remembred amongst other things that when he a Cordelier he had borrowed Money of and had not repaid it to him He therefore inquired about him and hearing he was still living he sent him Orders to come and give him an Account of his Actions The good Father who found no Guilt upon him went to Rome with that Tranquillity of Mind which is the result of a good Conscience And being come before the Pope We are inform'd says the Holy Father to him that you have misimployed the Revenues of your Monastery and we have sent for you to give us an Account of the Matter Holy Father answerâ—…d the Monk I think my self altogether Innocent as to that Consider well said the Pope Whether you bave not indiscreetly lent Money to any Body particularly to a certain Cordelier who came to you such a Year The good Man having thought upon it a while 'T is true said he Holy Father He was a great Knave who got that Money from me upon idle Pretences and a Promise he made me of repaying it in a little time Well said the Pope we are that very Cordelier you speak os We are willing to return that Money