you unseasonable Rascal I le send you hence Drawes Huffe Nay 't is not that Sir can fright me but that I would not disturb the Lady I 'de make you know Stan. You impudent Villain I 'le send you further Follows Huffe and runs away huffing Huffe Nay Sir your humble Servant and you go to that Sir I care as little for a Sword Sir as any man upon Earth I fear your Sword Who dares say it your Servant your Servant Ex. Huffe Emil. This is not altogether so foolish as fighting in Sir Positive's Quarrel Stanf. Sir Positives quarrel 't was in effect my own for I was sure to meet with some impertinent Fellow or other for my Enemy and was glad of this opportunity to vent my indignation upon one of those many that have tormented me I had rather fight with them all then converse with them Emil. But you may chuse whether you will do either Stanf. Yes as much as chuse whether I 'le breathe or no. Emili. But how could you be sure to meet with such an one Stanf. VVhat Question is that Is it not above 5000 to one odds Emil. aside I am glad he has brought himself well off for I must like him do what I can he must be a man of sence I must confess the business is not altogether so ill as I imagin'd To him Stanf. Now Madam who is impertinent you or I Emil. You are to say the same thing twice to me Stan. VVell this is a rare VVoman what a quick apprehension she has I love her strangely the more Coxcombe I that I shou'd be drawn in of all men living aside Enter VVoodcock VVood. O Dear heart have I met with thee I have been seeking thee all the Town over Stanf. Heart What 's this I was going in great haste just as you came adieu Wood. Ah dear Jack I have not so little honour as to leave thee in this condition Stanf. Good Sir What condition I am not Drunk am I Wood. No Ga'd wou'd it were no worse Dear heart Stanf. It cannot be worse do not trouble me Wood. No I 'le tell thee Iack Huffe threatens Embraces and kisses him thee to cut thy Throat where ever he meets thee and I came my Dear Bully-Rock to offer thee the Service of my sword and arme Stanf. For Heaven's sake put not this upon me Do you think he that wou'd be kick'd without resistance dares do any thing Wood. But look you Dear Heart Lord this is the strangest thing in the World you had Ladies with you and you know it had been an uncivil thing to have turn'd agen then Iack but now he 's resolv'd to have satisfaction he told me so And if I can see as farr into a Millstone as another he 's no Bully Sandy Stanf. Trouble me no more be gone Wood. Ay ay thou dost this now to try whether I have so little honour as to quit thee but it won't pass my dear Rascall kiss me I 'le live and dye with thee Stanf. Sir let me tell you this is very rude and upon my word I have no quarrel unless you 'l force one upon me Emil. Still do I like this man better and better Aside Wood. Nay then I smell a Rat Farewell Iack Servant Dear Hearts Ex. Woodcock Enter Lovel Carolina Roger. Carol. But are you sure my Lady Vaine is such a one Lov. Yes that I am my little peevish Jealous Mistress Carol. Yes yes I have reason to be jealous of such a Treasure as you are But pray to satisfie a little scruple I have see her no more Stanf. We had best change the Scene I think what if you shou'd walk out a little Emili. I care not much if I doe Stanf. I cou'd find in my heart to go along with you Emili. Yes and leave me agen for your Honour forsooth Stanf. How Devillishly impertinent is this for you to harp upon one string still Lovel Let 's pursue our design Enter sir Positive Carol. Agreed and to our wish here comes my Cozin Positive Sir Posit Oh! Have I found you I 'le tell you the pleasant'st thing in the World Stan. Sir I am just now going to a Lawyer of the Temple to aske his Councell Sir Posit P'shaw p'shaw save thy Money what need'st thou do that I 'le do 't for you why I have more Law then ever Cooke upon Littleton had you must know I am so eminent at that that the greatest Lawyers in England come to me for advice in matters of difficulty Come state your Case let 's hear 't Come Hold hold Cozen Whither Emilia offers to go out are you going Emili. Let me goe I am going in haste to bespeak a Seale Sir Posit A Seale Why do'st thou know what thou do'st now To go about that without my advice Well I have given Symons and all of e'm such Lessons as I have made e'm stand in admiration of my Judgment Do you know that I 'le cut a Seale with any man in England for a thousand Pound Roger. I have my Lesson I 'le warrant you I 'le do 't exit Emili. O Heav'n I must go now to bespeak it I am to send it immediately to my Sister at the English Nunnery in Bruges Sir Posit Bruges ah dear Bruges now you talk of Bruges I am writing this night to Castel Rodrigo you must know I have thought of their Affaires and consider'd e'm thoroughly and just this very After-noon I have found out such a way for e'm to preserve Flanders from the French I defie all Mankind for such an Invention and I think I offer him very fair if he will let me divide the Government with him I 'le do 't otherwise if Flanders be lost 't is none of my fault Lov. What is your Design Sir Positive Stanf. That thou shoud'st be so very foppish to aske questions Sir Posit I 'le tell you I will this year pray mark me I will bring 100000 Men into the Field d' ye see Carol. But Where will you have these Men Cozen Sir Posit Have e'm P'shaw p'shaw let me alone for that I tell thee Stanford I will bring 100000 men into the Field 60000 in one Compleat body and 40000 for a flying Army with which I will enter into the very Body of all France Stan. O Devil I had rather Flanders shou'd be lost then hear any more on 't Sir Posit But this would signifie nothing unless it were done by one that understands the conduct of an Army which if I do not let the World Judge but to satisfie you I 'le tell you what I 'le do pray mark me I will take threescore thousand Spanish Souldiers and fight with 60000 French and cut e'm off every Mâ—n pray observe one this is demonstration then will I take those very numericall Individual Frenchmen I spoke of Stanf. What after you have cut e'm off every man Sir Posit Pish What doest talk Man What 's matter whether it be before or after that 's not
to the point P'shaw prethee don 't thee trouble thy self for that I 'le do 't man I will take those very 60000 French and fight with a Spanish Army of 100000 and by my extraordinaâ—y Conduct destroy e'm all this is demonstration nothing can be plainer then this by this you may guess whether I may not be a considerable Man to that Nâ—tion or no. Nay more then that I 'le undertake if I were in Candia the Grand Visier would sooner expose himself to the fury of the Ianizaries then besiege the Town while I were in 't Emil. I cannot tell whether I am more tormented with Sir Positive or pleas'd with Stanford he is an extraordinary man Aside Sir Posit But as I was saying Cozen Emilia I will have 100000 men in the Field and I will man the Garrisons to the full besides pray observe I will have an infinite store of Provision every where and pay all my Souldiers to a penny duly Carol. But where 's the Money to do this Cozen Emil. What shall I do Whether shall I turn me Stan. Ah Dear Emilia Sir Posit VVhere 's the Money that 's good one ' Faith Prethee dear Cozen do thou mind thy Guittar thou dost not understand these things Stan. I am sure I understand you to be the greatest Coxcomb in Nature Sir Posit Then I will make you me a League Offensive and Defensive with the King of England the Emperor and Princes of Germany the King 's of Sweden and Denmarke the Kings of Portugal and Poland Prester Iohn and the Great Cham the States of Holland the Grand Duke of Muscovy the Great Turk with two or three Christian Princes more that shall be nameless and if with that Army Provision and Alliance I do not do the business I am no Judge I understand nothing in the VVorld Enter Roger. Roger. O Sir Positive my Lady Vaine wou'd speak with you at your Lodging immediately Sir Posit Cods my life-kins Stanford I am heartily sorry I must leave you Stan. So am not I. Sir Posit I beg your pardon a thousand times I vowâ—t Gad I wou'd not leave you but upon this occasion Emil. How glad am I of the occasion Sir Posit going returnes in haste Well! I hope you 'l be so kind to believe that nothing but my Duty to my Mistress shou'd have made me part with you thus rudely Stanf. O yes we do believe it Sir Posit But hark you Cozen and Stanford you must promise me not to take it ill as I hope to breathe I mean no incivility in the World Emil. Oh no no by no meanes Sir Posit Your Servant Exit Sir Positive Carol. Come Lovel let 's follow him and either prepare him or find out some others for a fresh incounter Lov. Allon's but be sure Roger you forget not what I said to you Ex. Lov. Carolina Rog. I will not Sir Stanf. How Curteously he excus'd himself for not tormenting us more Emil. This is the first good turne my Lady Vaine e're did me Rog. No Madam this was my ingenuity I ne'r saw my Lady Vaine not do I know where she is Sir Positive Returnes Sir Posit Cozen and Mr. Stanford I have consider'd on 't and I vow to Gad I am so affraid you 'l take it ill that rather then disoblige you I 'le put it off Stan. O no Sir by no meanes 't would be the rudest thing in the World to disobey your Mistress Sir Posit Nay 'Faith I see thou art angry now 'prethee don't trouble thy selfe I 'le stay with thee Stanf. Hell and Damnation this is beyond all sufferance Emil. Let me advise you by all meanes to go to your Mistress Sir Posit Well! if you won't take it ill I 'le go adieu Exit Sir Posit Enter Woodcock Serjeant and Musqueteeres Wood. That 's he seize him Serje Sir by your leave you must go to the Captain of the Guard Stan. O! intoâ—lerable What 's the matter now Serjaent I do not know but I guess 't is upon a quarrel betwixt you and one Lieuâ—enant Huffe Stanf. Was ever any thing so unfortunate as this Can't you defer 't an houre Serje I am commanded by my Officer and dare not disobey Stanf. How loath am I to leave this Woman there is something extraordinary in this Madam I am willing enough to stay with you but you see I am forc'd away stay you here Roger. Exit with Serjeant and Musqueteers Emil. VVhat an unlucky accident is this but my misfortunes never faile me Exit Wood. So he 's safe and I have done what I in honour ought to do and now honest Roger my dear Bully-Rock I 'le stay with thee prethee kiss me thou art the honestest Fellow in the World Roger. Sir I am glad I can Repay your Commendations I have the best newes for y'e that ever you heard in your life Wood. Me VVhat is 't Dear Heart Rog. VVhy I 'le tell you the Lady Emilia is in love with you Wood. In love with me fy fy Pox on 't what a VVheadling Rogue art thou now VVhy should'st thou put this upon thy Friend now Roger. Sir this suspition of yours is very injurious Let me tell you that I am sure I have not deserv'd it from you Sir Wood. Nay I must confess I have alwayes found thee an honest Fellow Dear Heart but a Pox on 't she can't love me P'shaw me VVhat what can she see in me to love me for no no. Roger. Sir upon my life it 's true VVood. Ha ha Dear Rascal kiss me the truth on 't is I have thought some such thing a pretty while but how the Devil com'st thou to find it out on my Conscience thou art a Witch Rog. O Sir I am great with her Maid Luce and she told me her Lady fell in love with you for singing she says you have the sweetest Voice and the delicatest Method in singing of any man in England Wood. As Gad shall sa'me she is a very ingenious Woman Dear Dog Honest Rascal here here 's for thy Newes I 'le go in and give her a song immediately Exit Rog. How greedily he swallows the bait but ' these self-conceited Ideots can never know when they are wheadl'd Enter Lovell and Ninny Ninn. P'shaw p'shaw ad'au'tre ad'au'tre I can't abide you shou'd put your tricks upon me Lov. Come Ninny leave Fooling you know I scorn it I have always dealt faithfull with you Ninn. aside I must confess he has always commended my Poems that 's the truth on 't But I am affraid this is impossible don't Wheadle your friend Lov. I shall be angry Sir if you distrust me longer You may neglect this opportunity of raising your self Do but perhaps you may never have such another Nin. Nay but dear Sir speak are you in Earnest Lov. Doe you intend to affront me you had as good give me the lye Nin. No dear Sir I beg your pardon for that I believe you But how came you to know it Lov. Her
wâ—â—ld I had I 'de show it you to the life but secondly Stanf. Hold Sir I am convinced to our fighting bus'ness agen but they have given you full satisfaction Let 's away Sir Posit No no hold a little Stanf. A Curse on him did I leave Emilia for this Sir Pos. Sir if you 'l see your hand to this Certificate 〈◊〉 satisfy'd otherwise you must take what follows 1 Clerk Sir with all my heart I 'le do any thing to serve you Sir Pos. I had this ready on purpose for I was resolv'd if we had fought and I had disarm'd him I 'de have made him do 't before I 'de have given him his lâ—fe how do you write your self 1 Clerk Timothy Scribble a Justice of Peace his Clerk Sir Posit Here read it and set your hand to it 1 Clerk reads I do acknowledge and firmly believe that the play of Sir Positive Att-all Knight call'd the Lady in the Lobster notwithstanding it was damn'd by the Malice of the Age shall not onely read but it shall Act with any of Ben. Iohnsons and Bâ—aumont's and Fletcher's Plays Sir Pos. Hold hold I 'le have Shakespeares in ' slife I had like to have forgot that 1 Clerk reads With all my heart I do likewise hereby atâ—est that he is no Purloiner of other mens Works the general fame and opinion notwithstanding and that he is a Poet Mathematician Divine Statesman Lawyer Physitian Geographer Musitian and indeed a Unus in Omnibus through all Arts and Sciences and hereunto I have set my hand the day of 1 Clerk With all my heart Sir Pos. Come Sir do you Witness it 2 Clerk Ay Sir he sets his hand Sir Pos. In presence of Iacob Dash. 1 Clerk Look you Sir I write an indifferent good hand if you have any occasion to command me inquire at the Stationers at Fâ—rnivals Inne Stanf. Why you Impudent Rascals how dare you offers to come into the Field must I be diverâ—â—â— thus long by kick ' em you Sir Pos. Hold Staâ—ford I cannot in honour suffer that now they are my Friends and after this satisfaction I am bound in honour to defend 'em to the last drop of blood Stanf. O intolerable 1 Clerk Sir I pray be not angry we did not come into the 〈◊〉 to fight but Maâ—â—er Dash and I came to play a match at Trap-ball for a Dish of Steakes at Gloster-hall and here you found us Sir Pos. Have you the Confidence to talk of Trap-ball before me nay now you are my Enemies agen hark you Stanford I 'le play with 'em both for 5 cool why I was so eminent at it when I was a School-boy that I was call'd Trap Positive all over the School Stanf. Then farewel good Sir Positive Trap. Sir Pos. Dear Stanford stay but one quarter of an hour and you shall see how I 'le dishonour 'em both at Trap-ball They talk of Trap-ball ha ha ha Stanf. Slife what will become of me out of the field you inconsiderable Rascals Must I be diverted thus by you They run out Exeunt omnes Enter Emilia and her Maid at one Door Ninny and Woodcock at t'other Emil. I thought we might have been free here and here are these Puppy's Wood. Let 's aboard of 'em who e're they are fa la la how now Dear Hearts by the L. Harry its pity you should walk without a Couple of Servants here 's a Couple of Bully-Rocks will serve your turn as well as Two of Buckram Dear Hearts Emil. O Heaven aside Lâ—ce Gentlemen this is very rude we shall have them come shall thank you for 't Ninn. As I hope to breath Ladies you look the pretty'st in Vizard Masks of any Ladies in England Wood. And now you talk of Masks I 'le show you an admirable Song upon a Vizard Mask Dear Hearts of Poet Ninny's making Emil. Oh abominable Impudence Wood. But I must beg your pardon that I cannot sing it for I am hoarse already with singing it to the Maids of Honour Luce. You sing it to the Maids of Honour Wood. But if I had a Violin here no man in England can express any thing more lusciously upon that then my self ask Ninny else Ninn. Yes Ladies he has great power upon the Violin he has the best double Rellish in Gam-ut of any man in England but for the little finger on the left hand no man in Europe out-does him Wood. You may believe him Dear Hearts for he 's a great Judge of Musick and as pretty a Poet as ever writ Couplet Emil. O horrid what 's this there 's no way to scape but to discover our selves they pull off their masks Ninn. Emilia what shall I do I am undone shee 'l never own me agen Emil. Farewel you Baboons and learn better manners Wood. ' Slife shee 'l take me for a Whore-master I am nipt in the very blossome of my hopes Ninn. For Heav'ns sake pardon me Madam Emil. Let me go Wood. No Madam wee 'l wait on your Ladiship home Emil. This is worse and worse Enter Huffe Huff Heart if I put up this I 'le give him leave to use me worse then a Bayley that arrests in the Inns of Court Wood. Why what 's the matter Huff ' Slife kick a man of honour as I am I 'le pistoll him pissing against a Wall Luce. Ay then or never to my knowledge Wood. What 's the bus'ness Dear Heart hah Huff Sir I 'le tell you Emil. This is a lucky Occasion Ex. Emil. Luce. Ninn. Are you gone I 'le follow you Ex. Ninn. Huff I had occasion for four or five Pieces to make up a Sum with â—nd went to borrow it of him and he like an uncivil fellow as he was Wood. What did he Huff Why I did but turn my back and he like an ill-bred sot gives me a kick or two of the breech I 'le cut his throat if I should meet him in a Church Wood. This will be an ill bus'ness I am sorry for my Friend Iack Stanford for Master Huffes honour aside is disturb'd and I fear hee 'l revenge it bloodily for he understands Punctilio's to a hair but I 'le endeavour to prevent it however Huff If he be above ground I 'le cutt's throat for 't I 'le teach him to use a man of honour thus if he had pleas'd he might have dealt with me at another rate as I hope to live I had a fighting Sword by my side neer six foot long at that very time and he to kick a man P'shaw He does not understand his bus'ness but I shall find him presently Ex. Huff Enter Ninny Ninn. Pox on 't Wooâ—cock she would not let me go with her Wood. Prethee Dear Heart see if thou canst find Iâ—ck Stanford in the Fields while I go and â—eel if I can find him in the Town Ninn. What 's the matter Ninn. 'T is a business concerns his life Dear Heâ—â—t ask no questions but if you find him bring him to the Sun Exit Ninn.
have seventeen Modells of the City of London of my own making 〈◊〉 the worst of e'm makes London an other-guess London then 〈◊〉 like to be but no man in England has those Modells of Houses that I have Stan. This affliction is beyond all example why the Devil do'st thou provoke him to this Lovel Were it not a ridiculous thing of me not to please my self Stan. That 's true but What will become of us in the mean time Emil. Heaven knows this door 's lock'd and there 's no escaping at the other Sir Posit I 'le tell you Madam the other day a damn'd old Rat eate me up a Dining-roome and Withdrawing-Chamber worth Fifty pound Carol. A Rat eate up a Dining-Roome and Withdrawing-Room How cou'd that be Emil. O fy Sister it 's no matter how why Will you aske him Sir Posit Why I make all my Modells of Houses in Paste I vow to Gad I am asham'd to tell you how much it costs me in a year in Milk Meale Eggs and Butter La. Vain Dear Sir Positive I think you understand more theâ— ever Solamon did Sir Posit No no Madam alass not I I understand little but I 'le tell you Madam what was said of me the other day by some great persons that shall be nameless La. Vain What was that Sir Sir Posit That I was a man of the most universal knowledge of any man in England but without comparison the best Poet in Europe Carol. Now Lovel to your poast Lov. Navigation Sir Pos. Navigation d' ye talk of Carol. Geography Sir Pos. Geography d' ye talk of Lov. Astronomy Sir Pos. Astronomy d' ye talk of Carol. Palmestry Lov. Phisick Car. Divinity Lov. Surgery Car. Arithmetick Lov. Logick Car. Cookery Lov. Magick Lovel Caâ—olina speak so fast one after another that Sir Positive turns himself first to one then to another has not time to speak to them Sir Posit Hold hold hold hold Navigation Geography Astronomy Palmestry Phisick Divinity Surgery Arithmetick Logick Cookery and Magick I 'le speak to every one of these in their order if I don't understand e'm every one in perfection nay if I don't Fence Dance Ride Sing Fight a Duel speak French Command an Army play on the Violin Bag-pipe Organ Harp Hoboy Sackbut and double Curtal speak Spanish Italian Greek Hebrew Dutch Welch and Irish Dance a Jigg throw the Barr Swear Drink Swagger VVhore Quarrel Cuffe break Windowes manage Affairs of State Hunt Hawke Shoot Angle play at Catt Stool-ball Scotch-hopp and Trap-ball Preach Dispute make Speeches Coughs Prethee get me a glass of small beere Roger. Stanf. Hell and Fuâ—ies Emil. Oh oh They run Sir Posit Nay hold I have not told you halfe if I don't do all these and fifty times moâ—e I am the greatest Owle Pimp Monkey Jack-a-napes Baboon Rascal Oâ—fe Ignoramus Loggerhead â—ur-dog Block-head Buffoone Jack-pudden Tony or what you will spit upon me kick me cuff me lugg me by the eares pull me by the Nose tread upon me and despise me more then the World now values me Ex. omnes and he goes out talking as fast as he can ACT. V. Enter Emilia Stanford and Lovel Stanf. IF you be my Friend as you profess to be you will not deny me this Lov. I am your Friend and would not have you perplex your self with what you see there 's no end of Can this frowardness relieve you Stan. Good sir none of your Grave advice I am resolv'd to relieve my selfe by abandoning all conversation Lov. How can you brook Emilia's company Stanf. Pish she 's not altogether so troublesome aske me no more Questions Lov. Hah Does he like her Thus farr my Designe thrives Well! I 'le keep e'm from you a while but the Hounds are so eager they 'l never endure pole-hunting Long. exit Stanf. You hear Madam we are not like to be long free from these inhumane persecutors Emil. Why will you call e'm so you know I am pleas'd with e'm They are my Recreation as you were pleas'd to say Stan. No no you have convinc'd me of the Contrary but How can you blame me for so easie a Mistake Emili. You are a very fit Man to despise impertinent people you are Stan. 'Till be very wisely done to stand muttering here till the Fooles in the next Room-break-in upon you Emili. Perhaps as wisely done as to trust my selfe with you as you have behav'd your self Stanf. If you have no more sence then to stay longer I shall be assur'd of what I was but jealous of before Emili. What would your wisdome have me do now Stan. The VVorst of them would not have ask'd such a Question who but you would be in doubt or would not fly as a Thiefe does from a Hue and Cry Emili. There 's no hope of escaping Stan. Now will you in despair of avoiding them stay here and keep e'm company Emil. 'T were vaine presumption to hope for Liberty by Miracle they will no more lose us then an Attorny will a young Squire that 's newly waded into Law who will be sure never to leave him till he has brought him out of his depth Stanf. By this rule you shou'd not resist a Man that comes to Ravish you because he 's like to be too strong for you but if you did not use the meanes your honesty would be no more admir'd is that then your Wisdome in this Emil. Aside This is a most admirable person Where should I go to him Stanf. I would run into a fire to be quitt of e'm Emil. Well! I am content to go along with you not for your sake but my own Stanf. Perhaps my inclinations are not much â—â—like yours Lov. O Stanford I can no longer keep them from you 't is as easie to stop a Spring-Tide Enter Lovel Carol. Sir Pos. Nin. Wood. La. Va. Stanf. Now Whose fault was this a Curse upon your delaying now 't is too late to fly Sir Posit Do'st talke of flying Iack I 'le teach thee to do that with the greatest ease in the World 't is true I heard of a Coxcomb that broke his neck with the Experiment but if I had been by him I wou'd have taught him to have flown with the best Goss-Hawke in the World Stanf. O! Impudence Sir Posit And for my own part for one flight or so for I will not straine my self for any mans pleasure I do 't but for my Recreation I am not mercenary I will fly at a Herne with the â—est Jer-Faulcon that ever flew that 's faire La. Vain O very Fair as can be by all means Sir learn of him hee 'l do 't Sir Pos. Do 't Madam I think so I tell you all Elements are alike to me I could live in any one of 'em as well as the Earth 'T is nothing but a sordid Earthy Nature in us makes us love the Earth better then any other Element Enter Roger. Emil. I see it is in vain to torment our selves without endeavouring our Liberty