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ID Title Author Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) STC Words Pages
A08015 The vnfortunate traueller. Or, The life of Iacke Wilton. Tho. Nashe Nash, Thomas, 1567-1601. 1594 (1594) STC 18380; ESTC S110123 82,351 108

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kindnesse to the Marshall generall of the field certefide him that such a man was lately fled to the enemie and gotte his place bedgd for another immediatly What because of him after you shall heare To the enemie he went and offered his seruice railing egregiously on the king of England he swore as he was a Gentleman and a souldier hee would bee reuenged on him and let but the king of France follow his counsell hee woulde driue him from Turwin wals yet ere ten dayes to an end All these were good humours but the eragedie followeth The French king hearing of such a prating fellow that was come was desirous to sée him but yet he feared treason wherfore he wild one of his minions to take vpon his person and he would stand by as a priuate man whilest hee was txamined Why should I vse anie idle delayes In was Captaine Gogges wounds brought after he was throughly searched not a louse in his doublet was let passe but was askt Queuela and chargd to stand in the kings name the mouldes of his buttons they turnd out to sée if they were not bullettes couered ouer with thread the codpéece in his deuills bréeches for they were then in fashion they sayd playnly was a case for a pistoll if hée had had euer a hovnaile in his shooes it had hangde him he shuld neuer haue knowen who had harmd him but as lucke was he had not a mite of anie mettal about him be tooke part with none of the foure ages neither the golden age the siluer age the brasen nor the yron age onely his purse was aged in emptinesse and I thinke verily a puritane for it kept it selfe from anie pollution of crosses Standing before the supposed king he was askt what he was and wherefore became To the which in a glorious bragging humour be aunswered that hée was a gentleman a captaine commander a chiefe leader that came a way from the king of England vppon discontentment Questiond particular of the cause of his discontentment hee had not a word to blesse himself with yet faine he would haue patcht out a polt-foote tale but God he knowes it had not one true legge to stand on Then began he to smell on the villaine so rammishly that none there but was readie to rent him in péeces yet the minion king kept in his cholar and propounded vnto him farther what of the king of Englands secrets so aduantageable he was priuie to as might remoue him from the flage of Turwin in thrée daies Hee sayde diuerse diuerse matters which askt longer conference but in good honestie they were lies which he had not yet stampt Héereat the true king stept forth and commanded to lay handes on the lozell and that he should be tortured to confesse the truth for he was aspie and nothing else He no sooner sawe the whéele and the torments set before him but he cride out like a rascall and sayde hee was a poore Captaine in the English camp suborned by one Iacke Wilton a noble mans page and no other to come and kill the French king in a brauery and returne and that he had no other intention in the world This confession could not choose but moue them all to laughter in that he made it as light a matter to kill their king and come backe as to goe to Islington and eate a messe of creame and come home againe nay and besides hee protested that he had no other intention as if that were not inough to hang him Adam neuer fell till God made fooles all this coulde not kéepe his ioyntes from ransacking on the whéele for they vowed either to make him a confessor or a martir in a trice when still he sung all one song they tolde the king he was a foole and some shrewd head had knauishly wrought on him wherefore it should stand with his honour to whip him out of the campe and send him home That perswasion tooke place and soundly was he lasht out of theyr liberties and sent home by a Heralde with this message that so the king his master hoped to whip home all the English fooles verie shortly answere was returned that that shortlie was a long lie and they were shrewde fooles that shoulde driue the French man out of his kingdome and make him glad with Corinthian Dionisius to play the schoole-master The Herald being dismist our afflicted intelligencer was cald coram nobis how he spedde iudge you but something he● was adiudged to The sparowe for his lecherie liueth but a yéere ●e for his trecherie was turnd on the toe Plura dolor prohibet Here let me triumph a while and ruminate a line or two on the excellence of my wit but I will not breath neither til I haue diffraughted all my knauerie Another Swizer Captaine that was farre gone for want of the wench I lead astraie most notoriously for he béeing a monstrous vnthrift of battle axes as one that cared not in his anger to bid flie out scuttels to fl●e score of them and a notable emboweller of quart pots I came disguised vnto him in the forme of a halfe a crowne wench my gowne and attire according to the custome thē in request I wis I had my cur●esses in cue or in quart pot rather for they drild into the very entrailes of the dust and I simpered with my countenance lyke a porredge pot on the fire when it first begins to séeth The sobrietie of the circumstance is that after he had courted me and all and giuen me the earnest pennie of impietie some sixe crownes at the least for an antipast to iniquitie I fained an impregnable excuse to be gone and neuer came at him after Yet left I not here but committed a little more scutcherie A companie of coystrell clarkes who were in hand with sathan and not of anie souldiers colour pincht a number of good mindes to Godward of theyr pronant They would not let a dram of dead pay ouerslip them they would not lend a groat of the wéeke to come to him that had spent his money before this wéeke was done They out-faced the greatest and most magnanimious seruitours in their sincere and ●inigraphicall cleane shirts and cuffe● A lowse that was anie Gentlemans companion they thought scorne of their nere bitten beardes must in a deuils name be dewd euerie daie with rose water hogges could haue nere a hayre on theyr backes for making them rubbing brushes to rouse theyr crab lice They woulde in no wise permitte that the m●ates in the Sunne-beames should be full mouthde beholders of they cleane phini●i●e apparell theyr shooes shined as bright as a slike-stone theyr handes troubled and foyled more water with washing than the ca●uell doth that nere drinkes till the whole streame bee troubled Summarily neuer anie were so fantastical the one halfe as they My masters you may conceiue of me what you list but I thinke confidently I was ordayned Gods scourge from aboue for theyr daintie
in the Court or a forraine Countrey will engender and come to preferment Bee his feature what it will if he be faire spoken he winneth frends Non formosus erat sed erat facundus Vlysses Vlysses the long traueller was not amiable but eloquent Some alleadge they trauell to learne wit but I am of this opinion that as it is not possible for anie man to learne the Arte of Memorie whereof Tully Quintillian Seneca and Hermannus Buschius haue written so manie bookes except he haue a naturall memorie before so is not possible for anie man to attaine anie great wit by trauell except he haue the grounds of it rooted in him before That wit which is thereby to be perfected or made stayd is nothing but Experientia longa malorum The experience of manie euills the experience that such a man lost his life by this folly another by that such a young Gallant consumed his substance on such a Curtizan these courses of reuenge a Merchant of Venice tooke against a Merchant of Ferrara and this poynt of iustice was shewed by the Duke vppon the murtherer What is heere but wee maye read in bookes and a great deale more too without stirring our feete out of a warme studie Vobis alii ventorum praelia narrent saith Ouid Quasque Scilla infestat quasue Charybdis aquas Let others tell you wonders of the winde How Scilla or Charybdis is enclinde vos quod quisque loquetur Credite Beléeue you what they say but neuer trie So let others tell you straunge accidents treasons poysonings close parkings in Fraunce Spaine and Italy it is no harme for you to heare of them but come not neere them What is there in Fraunce to be learnd more than in England but falshood in fellowship perfect slouenrie to loue no man but for my pleasure to sweare Ah parla mort Dieu when a mans hammes are scabd For the idle Traueller I meane not for the Souldiour I haue knowen some that haue continued there by the space of halfe a dozen yeare and when they come home they haue hyd a little wéerish leane face vnder a b●oad French hat kept a terrible coyle with the dust in the stréete in their long cloakes of gray paper and spoke English strangely Nought else haue they profited by their trauell saue learnt to distinguish of the true Burdeaux Grape and knowe a cup of n●a●● Gascoygne wine from wine of Orleance yea and peraduenture this also to estéeme of the pe●e as a pimple to weare a vel●et patch on their face and walke melancholy with their armes folded From Spaine what bringeth our Traueller a scull ●round hat of the fashion of an olde deepe porringer a diminutiue Aldermans ruffe 〈◊〉 shorte strings like the droppings of a mane nose a close-bellied dublet comming downe with a peake behinde as farre as the crupper and cut off before by the breast-boane like a partlet or neckercher a wyde payre of gascoynes which vngatherd would make a couple of womens ryding kyrtles huge hangers that haue halfe a Cowe hyde in them a Rapyer that is lineally descended from halfe a dozen Dukes at the least Let his cloake be as long or as short as you will if long it is fac'd with Turkey grogeran raueld if short it hath a cape like a calues tung and is not so déep in his whole length nor hath so much cloth in it I will iustifie as onely the standing cape of a Dutchmans cloake I haue not yet toucht all for hee hath in eyther shoo as much taffaty for his tyings as would serue for an ancient which serueth him if you will haue the mysterie of it of the owne accord for a shoo-rag A souldior and a braggart he is thats concluded he ietteth strou●ing dancing on his toes with his hands vnder his sides If you talke with him hee makes a dish-cloath of his owne Countrey in comparison of Spaine but if you vrge him more particularly wherein it exceeds hee can giue no instance but in Spaine they haue better bread than any we haue when poore hungry slaues they may crumble it into water wel enough and make miso●s with it for they haue not a good morsell of meate except it bee salt pilchers to eate with it al the yere long and which is more they are poore beggers and lye in foule straw euery night Italy the paradice of the earth and the Epi●ures heauen how doth it forme our yong master It makes him to kisse his hand like an ape cringe his neck like a starueling and play at hey passe repasse come aloft when hee salutes a man From thence he brings the art of atheisme the art of epicurising the art of whoring the art of poysoning the art of Sodomitrie The onely propable good thing they haue to kéepe vs from vtterly condemning it is that it maketh a man an excellent Courtier a curious carpet knight which is by interpretation a fine close leacher a glorious hypocrite It is now a priuie note amongst the better sort of men when they would set a singular marke or brand on a notorious villaine to say he hath béen in Italy With the Dane and the Dutch-man I will not encounter for they are simple honest men that with Danaus daughters do nothing but fill bottomles tubs wil be drunk snort in the midst of dinner he hurts himselfe onely that goes thether hee cannot lightly be damnd for the vintners the brewers the malt-men and ale-wiues praye for him Pitch and pay they will pray all day score and borrow they will wysh him much sorrowe But lightly a man is nere the better for their praiers for they commit al deadly sinne for the most part of them in mingling their drinke the vintners in the highest degrée Why iest I in such a necessary perswasiue discourse I am a banisht exile from my countrie though nere linkt in consanguinitie to the best an Earle borne by birth but a begger now as thou séest These many yeres in Italy haue I liu'd an outlaw A while I had a liberall pension of the Pope but that lasted not for he continued not one succéeded him in his chaire that car'd neither for Englishmen nor his owne countrimen Then was I driu'n to picke vp my crums amongst the Cardinals to implore the beneuolence charitie of al the Dukes of Italy whereby I haue since made a poore shift to liue but so liue as I wish myselfe a thousand times dead Cum patriam amisi tunc me periisse putato When I was banisht thinke I caught my bane The sea is the natiue soyle to fishes take fishes from the sea they take no ioy nor thriue but perish straight So likewise the birds remoued from the aire the abode wherto they were borne the beasts from the earth and I from England Can a lambe take delight to be suckled at the brests of a she-wolfe I am a lambe nourisht with the milke of wolues one that with the Ethiopians inhabiting ouer against