Selected quad for the lemma: earth_n
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Corrected Date of Publication (TCP Date of Publication) |
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A67506
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A journey to Hell, or, A visit paid to the Devil a poem.
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Ward, Edward, 1667-1731.
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1700
(1700)
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Wing W740; Wing W742; ESTC R3697
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25,878
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60
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They valu'd no Man's welfare but their own By study'd means would tedious Suits create And spin each Contest to a long Debate For other Persons plead but get themselves the Estate Justice behind so many Querks they 've put None but the long full Purse can find her out In vain by Thousands has she oft been sought But seldom found but when too dearly bought These her dark Agents to their Country's shame Gilded their Frauds and Knaveries with her Name But seldom would regard the hoodwink'd heavenly Dame Biass'd by Briberies to the strongest side Rich Men were serv'd when Paupers were deny'd For golden Fees each sold his silver Tongue The Money'd Cause was right if starv'd 't was wrong The Poor thus slighted seldom could prevail Large Fees the Pleader turn'd and he the Scale From him to whom the Ballance should encline By right but perishes for want of Coin Contentious Suits and Quarrels they began Oft to th' undoing of the Just Good Man By wilful Flaws in Deeds they might avoid Thus err'd with Pens their Tongues might be imploy'd Till the poor Suff'rers Bags had largely paid For mending Faults their knavish Lawyers made If the Rich Miser ask'd their sage Advice In a bad Case they 'd only say 't was Nice But if their Client to the dregs was drawn And had no Money or Estate to Pawn Tho' good his Cause 't was bad not worth the carrying on So the Youth poyson'd with a Harlot's Eye Is Hug'd and Flatter'd till she sucks him dry But when she 's Jilted him of all she cou'd Foh his Breath stinks and all his Talk is rude Th' Infernal Orator now paus'd a space He hauk'd and spit blow'd Nose and wip'd his Face B'ing thus refresh'd he turn'd his sawcer Eyes And to Attorneys thus himself applies You who in Times of old did Ink-horns wear In Leathern Zones and Pens in twisted Hair Whose Locks were Comb'd as lank and cut as short As best should seem the pleasure of the Court Who now on Earth as num'rously abound As Rooks and Magpies in a new sown Ground These by foul Practice and Extortion thriv'd And beggar'd half the Country where they liv'd Reviv'd old Discords kindl'd up new Flame And sow'd Contention wheresoe'er they came To pick the Purse of each laborious Slave Who Thrashes hard to feed the greedy Knave Buoy'd up with hopes he shall Victorious be He sweats and toils a Week to earn a Fee Then to next Market rides before his Dame And to his Scribe presents with scraping Leg the same Who bids the Booby Client chear his Heart And haughtily does bad Advice impart Fear not says he I 'll make the Rascal smart But when his Purse has yielded up its Store His Cause proves bad if he can bleed no more You told me wrong did several things misplace Agree agree it proves an ugly Case Thus by long Bills stuff'd with unlawful Fees They tax'd the Farmer as themselves should please Improv'd litigious Suits by ill Advice Eat up full Barns and Acres in a trice And plagu'd the sinful Land like Egypt's Frogs and Lice As they from Leathern Belt to Sword arose And from a rural Grey to Town-made Cloaths The greater value on their Pains they laid The more impos'd the Client still obey'd And scrap'd and bow'd more low at ev'ry word he said These were the Locust first from Envy bred Who like the Drone on others Labours fed And such insatiate Appetites they shew As still devour'd and still more hungry grew So the lean Miser that improves his Store Becomes more close and greedy than before And as he grows more Rich the more he grinds the Poor This said the pensive Scribes were all set by And to the Bar they call'd the lesser Fry Those worser Knaves that Pestilential Throng Who in the Rear-Division march'd along The Court amaz'd to see so vile a Train The sable Pleader thus again began Of these my Lord but little need be said The worst of Rogues that Human Race e'er bred In Frauds and Cheats all others these excell A curse to Earth and now a Shame to Hell Treach'rous their Trade and odious as its Name Abhorr'd of all the World from whence they came These at no Crime or Villany would start But boast and glory in each roguish part Hell's sharpest Pains scarce equals their Desert Concluding thus the Judge himself begins And pronounc'd Sentence in the following Lines You in grave Robes most learn'd in Human Laws Who by locutious Arts could damn a Cause Tho' ne'er so just and make the wrong appear When e'er you pleas'd indisputably clear And since these Ills were all for Riches done A melted Mine of Gold shall ever run Upon your greedy Palms and drop upon each Tongue Thus shall your Crimes by this my just Decree Done for the lucre of a golden Fee With Gold be punish'd to Eternity And you the mercenary Clerks o' th' Court Who made your Clients ruine but your Sport And by Neglect or by unlawful Speed Gave Mortals twice the trouble that you need Who held it just in practice of the Laws To widen Discords and prolong the Cause Whilst the large Purse did with advantage fight And conquer'd him that had the greatest Right Then with long Bills the vanquish'd Wretch pursue And make him pay half double what 's his due To you a new-found Punishment I 'll give Amongst old Hags and Furies shall you live There Scratch and Claw and in confusion fight Till Hell wants Darkness and the Heavens Light There shall you strive to mitigate your Pain And reconcile your Foes but all in vain Furies shall scourge you with their Scorpion-Rods Beneath the reach of Mercy from the Gods Thus dwell involv'd in Night eternally at odds And as for you * Bailiffs and Hangmen curs'd even from your Birth The very dregs of all the Rogues on Earth Offspring of Devils and by Nature base Ne'er bless'd with one small Ray of Heav'ns Grace But led to Crimes by such degen'rate Wills That knew no Pleasure but in acting Ills The hottest Mansions of the deep Abyss Where fiery Snakes and Salamanders hiss To those dire Confines shall you all be sent Where Fires at once shall quicken and torment And as you burn Hell's Roof shall open'd be You distant Souls in Paradise may see And by their Joy encrease your own sad Misery Thus Radamanthus spoke Then did the Guards their proper Pris'ners take And by force drag them to the burning Lake Who hung an Arse like Bears when hauling to the Stake CANTO VI. Soon as the Scribes were to their Torments gone I heard another Crowd come trampling on Grave Seigniors led the AEsculapian Rout Some crying Oh! the Stone some Oh! the Gout Holding in ev'ry Interval a Chat Of Acids Alkalies and Hell knows what Some boasting of a Nostrum of his own To all the College but himself unknown Another prais'd an universal Slop Made from the sweepings of a Drugster's Shop Whose
wond'rous Vertues may be seen in Print Tho' he that made it never knew what 's in 't Another wisely had acquir'd an Art To make a Man Immortal by a Squirt Some with two Talents were profusely blest And seem'd to study least what they profest In earnest Poetry and Physick but in jest One hop'd by Satyr he himself should raise To the same Honour some had done by Praise But angry seem'd because he lost his Aim And did th' Ingratitude of Princes blame Who gave not that Reward he might in Justice claim As they mov'd forwards great Complaints they made Against the crafty Pharmacentick Trade Bad were their Med'cines and too great their Price Little their Care and ign'rant their Advice Who from the Bills they fill'd had found a way To seem as Wise and be as Rich as they Ne'er fear says one a Project I 'll advance Shall bring them back to their first Ignorance The Means propos'd were neither wise nor fair A frothy Thought that vanish'd into Air And left the wrinkled Consult in a deep despair Graduates and Emp'ricks here did well agree And kindly mix'd like Gold and Mercury Both had their Bands their Canes Japan'd with black Each in their Carriage had the same grave Knack 'T was hard to know the Doctor from the Quack Both skill'd to sift the Patients Worth or Want And furnish'd were alike with Chamber-Cant Both could advance their Cane-heads to their Nose And bid the Nurse take off or lay on Cloths Judge the sick Pulse pursuant to the Rule And ask the Patient when he 'd last a Stool Both talk'd alike alike did understand Each had hard Words as Plenty at Command But that which some small distance had begot One knew from whence deriv'd the other not The Emperick therefore in Dispute oft yields And gives the College D ce the Mast'ry of Moorfields Thus he that 's Sick to either may address For both administer with like Success The Quack oft kills the Doctor does no less Next these a Troop of Med'cine Mongers went With Cordials in their Hands they should not faint Who rail'd against the College Dons and swore Themselves as Wise as those that went before One much disturb'd his Brethren were opprest Attention begg'd and thus he spoke his best Thro' Zeal to 's Trade he rashly did begin Speaking as if on Earth he still had been If to our Wrong Physicians stoop so low To keep a Med'cine Warehouse let 'em know We 'll practice Physick till we kill and slay As many Thousands in a Year as they The Poor they promis'd should have Med'cines free Instead of that the upper-Upper-World may see They make 'em pay great Rates for as bad Goods as we Therefore in just Revenge let 's drive at all Advise Bleed Purge and no Phisician call Thus into obstinate Resolves they broke And wisely like Apothecaries spoke We will do what we will and let them see As long as we don't care pray what care we St. Barth'lomew's Physicians next came up Some bred Tom-Fools and some to Dance the Rope One Month employ'd i' th' Business of the Fair And th' other Eleven stroling Doctors were Of Learning these no Portion had or Sence Their only Gift was downright Impudence Chiefly in Germany and Holland born But England's Plague and their own Country's Scorn The Poor Fools Idol and the Wiseman's Scoff Yet often cur'd what Learned Heads left off With these were Sow-Gelders and Tooth-Drawers mixt And Barber-Surgeons here and there betwixt Some round their Necks had Chains and Medals got For Curing some strange Prince of God knows what Others who Bulls and Bores and Colts had Gelt Wore Silver Horse-shooes on a Scarlet Belt Whilst Spoon-Promoters with the rest came on Adorn'd with Sets of good sound Teeth they 'd drawn Illit'rate all from painful Study freed Scarce one could Write and very few could read Themselves they extol'd on others heaping Blame Their Bills and common Talk were much the same When e'er they spoke their barren Nonsence shew They little had to say and less to do Some from the Loom some from the Last arose Others from making or from mending Cloaths Pretending all such useful Truths they 'd found In Physick's Riddle which but few expound That was most pleasant speedy safe and sure And in the twinkling of an Eye would Cure The worst Disease on Earth that Mortal cou'd endure Close to the Bar they now began to Crowd Hoping for Mercy very low they bow'd The Judge being tir'd did for some Hours adjourn And left 'em there to wait the Court 's Return The End of the First Part. A Journey to H OR A Uisit paid to c. A POEM PART II. Both Parts by the Author of the London-Spy LONDON Printed and are to be Sold by the Booksellers of London and Westminster 1700. THE PREFACE I Have reason to suspect from some Clamours I have heard against the Title of this Poem upon the Publication of the First Part that 't is a very wicked Age we live in since the very Name of Hell and the Devil are such wonderful Scare-crows to a parcel of Puritannical Fornicators which if they had been oftner put in mind of his Infernal Worship and his dreadful Dominions might have been a means for ought I know of frighting 'em from a Licentious and Wicked Life into more Honesty and Vertue Words in themselves are no more than Marks by which we signifie or express the Conceptions of our own Minds or raise up Idea's of the same things we represent in others Therefore to put the World in mind of Hell and the Devil in a justifiable way representing both as terrible as the narrowness of my Capacity would give me leave I hope can be no Fault since it is reasonable enough to believe the dread of eternal Punishment deters more People from an Ill Life than the hopes of everlasting Happiness has induc d to a Good one for we may observe the weakness of Humane Nature to be such that the fear of Wracks and Tortures has often brought Offenders and Conspirators to a Confession of their Guilt and Plots when the reward of Life would not tempt 'em to a Discovery and almost every Man may find who will but examine himself or observe others that Prosperity in this World does not so much elevate a Man as Adversity depresses him Pleasure does not so much affect us as Pain which makes us more watchful to avoid the one than industrious to obtain the other I declare my Intention to be good and those that look into the Design without Prejudice must allow it to be so But as for such kind of zealous Shop-Criticks who are afraid to peep into the Book because they see the Devil in the Title-Page I must needs tell 'em it favours more of ridiculous Preciseness and Hypocricy than it does of true Zeel or good Judgment and I think they deserve as much to be laugh'd at for being angry with the Title upon