are always open at a minutes warning A Religion that affords Remedies for all transgressions and distempers In Spain to the Cavalleros in France to Lord and Pedant in Germany to few but in Italy to all in general CHAP. III. Of the Intercession of He-Saints and She-Saints OUr Gallants for want of Arguments prove the most part of the points in Contoversie by pleasant Similitudes and jocular Comparisons As for Example you shall see how we prove the Intercession of the he-He-Saints and she-She-Saints 'T was never known that all persons whatsoever went higglede pigglede to present their Petitions to the King but by the Mediation of others as Princes Princesses Counsellâ—rs of State and Masters of Request Ergo we must believe that the Male and Female Saints order the Affairs of Heaven as we order our affairs on Earth And here I might undertake to prove that God never concerns himself with the affairs of this World by the help of the same comparison True it is that that Heretic Rosny will have him take another course and acts the Publican and the honest man both together contrary to the Maxim That two contraries cannot subsist in the same subject I hope that one of the two will submit by the assistance of my Conversion and the Intercession of the Saints Who doubts the Efficacy of Saints Intercession Consider that no crimes have been so great within these 15 years but that both the crime and the punishment have been quite abolish'd by their Prayers No services have been so praise-worthy but that they who thought to steal a reward without the Intercession of these holy Persons have been deceiv'd and have lost their time and the acknowledgment which they deserv'd This is that which Hortman observ'd in his Book de Regno Vulvarum I shall have no great trouble to persuade them to believe this point who have had business to do since my raigne The General of the League having but two places that held out for him could not reconcile himself with this King as he did with the other on purpose to entrap him By that he gain'd more than by catching cold in his Trenches The Raigning Saint had given him a general pardon and plac'd him in the highest place of the Terrestrial Paradise Madam de Montpensier whom we would hang in Effigie has in the same manner expiated the Assassination of the late King Villeroy has also luckily made his peace the same way Sourdis the Oncle recover'd Chartres and that head which totter'd upon his shoulders but they did not give him the Master-ship of the Horse because the Pages began to ride uneasily which produc'd the following short Lampoon And must Sourdis lose his wages What 's the Crime that thus enforces Oh! he spurrs the little Pages Instead of spurring the great Horses Without the help of this Saint Le Grand had also been expell'd but he carry'd a Candle to the Saint rather then to his merits I have tak'n away my sons from Rochel and will not have them any more to study either Greek or Hebrew but will order 'em to learn the Sciences of Monsieur de Lignerac Varenne Cachat and La Bastide who will teach them to say their Ora pro nobis's with a good Grace Let 'em know their hours according to the Custom of Chartres say yes and ask what was said and to faign being a fool be so in good earnest If they see any nastiness at Court I would have them to be punish'd if they have Noses to smell it Let 'em learn like Monsieur d' Espernon the little Images of the Court assist them to wipe their tayls nay offer their tongue if there be neither Linnen nor Paper in the way By that means they shall obtain an Intercession and that Intercession is All-sufficient Lignerac can do nothing but laugh he that is the Amalgama or Cement of the two houses of Estrees and Lorain Cachat knows more than only how to speak French He it was that made the Peace of Provence Varenne began to learn to read but last Winter and yet he made up the Peace of France at the same time Intercessions thus bestow the merit as well as the reward And therefore we have it thus in our Prayer-Books Da nobis ut mereamur fieri participes c. Words which the Huguenots that laugh at them do not understand at all CHAP. IV. Of Purgatory GEntlemen since you Courtiers will have a Purgatory we must of necessity find out a place for this Purgatory without going to seek it in St. Patrick's hole as Henry Stevens discourses in his Apology for Herodotus I find what he says to be very smooth and pleasing but it is not at all approv'd by the Sorbon Truly were I to manage this business like a Divine I fear me I should be very much puzzl'd I went and consulted Monsieur Confessor who laugh'd at their Curiosity I ask'd him where any mention was made of Purgatory in the Holy Scriptures But he produc'd me nothing but dark and doubtful Sentences whence there was nothing of Truth to be collected I enquir'd concerning the Fathers he told me St. Austin spake of Purgatory in his 11. Book upon Genesis In his Comment upon St. John Treat 47. And in his Book of the City of God c. 8. And in several other places but finding nothing to the purpose I resolv'd to surcease all farther Theological Scrutinies to say truth my Divinity-reading has quite bauk'd me and I defie the whole Sorbon to tell me where it is I also desire to know where that third party is so much talk'd of in France the dread whereof strook a farther stroak to the King's Conversion then that of Purgatory Now I maintain that I find this same Purgatory and this third Party are lodg'd both together at Nogent Some there are that place Purgatory in Auvergne where they have also confin'd the Count of Auvergne But he is deliver'd from this Ambulatorie Purgatory at this fortunate juncture of time when all the fair Rooms in Paradise are all richly hung and magnificently furnish'd for the Sons of Strumpets He has nothing but laugh'd at the overturning of his Coach-man and is ready to re-establish in that Sacred place those Amours of which he was instructed in his absence There are some other little Purgatories in France but they make no great noise because that pardons are so cheap there The Grand Purgatory is then at Nogent where the Count of Soissons at his Vestals fire purifies his own Train which is the Third Party there where he hears talk of the joys of the Paradise of the Court and laughs at them after the manner of St. Medard Some Angels or Mercuries such as Varenne will visit him as they pass by and they say he will take leave of his good Lady and return to undergo his full sufferings The other imaginary accomplices of the Third Party wandering thereabout as being vagabond Souls for want of Earth and Bastions to
his own Country tearing and raving that the cause of God was betray'd by him and five of his Associates whom he fairly character'd without naming them To this he added that he hop'd God would pardon him into whose hands he was going to surrender his Soul so soon as he came to Millaud He offer'd in the mean time to write to M. d'Evreux in recommendation of some able person and withal discover'd the prevarication of the dispute at Mantes and the other preparatives of de Roan and Serres who you know had offer'd their perfidious mediation at a lucky time The Huguenots were so silly as to refuse the offer saying That the Church of Christ was not establish'd upon tricks and fallacies A little while after added he when he came to Millaud he continu'd his crys and lamentations especially upon the day that he dy'd upon which day he walk'd out of the City with his freinds supp'd well but so soon as he was a-bed he call'd his Wife told her he should dye repeated these Lines of the Psalmist A Soul with true Repentance fill'd Is thy most grateful Sacrifice A brok'n and a contrite heart O God thou never wilt despise And having so said he expir'd After I had mus'd a while I took a little heart a-grace and ask'd him how it far'd with Rotan Serres and others Those two answer'd Cahier are forc'd to hide their heads for they are both under ground and I 'le tell ye how so soon as they had heard of Vaux's confession they encourag'd one the other by Letters got themselves chosen by the National Synod of Montpelier with a resolution like Caesar to pass the Rubicon but before they went to try to gain something with the Confederates But such was their misfortue that they both dy'd before the sitting of the Synod I am very sorry for the money which Serres carry'd to his Wife for she dy'd the same day that he did like Ananias and Saphira so that that money might have better have fallen into my hands Sir If you please to order me a sum and take I would not suffer him to go on but kept the Begger who was very importunate at staves end making hast to bed though without hopes of repose By break of day my Servants having inform'd Monsieur Confessour of my restlesness and continual exclamations he comes into my Chamber takes a Chair and began these honey-dropping words Sir I have bin inform'd by your Servants this morning and yesterday in the Evening by M. Cahier of the strange disturbancies of your mind and something I find my self by the vehement motion of your pulse but I desire ye to take a tast of my words as assuaging Remedies for your exteriour Distempers for no outward violence no promise hope or fear can change the inward distemper of Opinions Reason alone which moves and puts them into a ferment at first is to them the proper application seeing that her prevailing power produces either hopes or fears in a distracted mind When I speak of hopes and fears I mean in reference to the affairs of this World For in truth when the dispute extends its self to the World to come then the hope of good and the fear of evil practise their force as well upon the one as the other Do you not think your self happy in that you feel no other then the soft raigne and natural power of your thoughts and not the violence of necessity Know then that all men are reduc'd to this point to be at an ill pass either with their Consciences or with the affairs of the World But because there is no perfect felicity wise men finding a persecution upon the liberty of their thoughts they fly to the privacies of the heart so that if your Conscience cannot reconcile it self to the temper of the times fly to the secret retirements of the wise reserving to your self those things of which you your self are Judg and leaving to others those things which fall under the scan of Forraign judgment Our external Actions may be censur'd by those who are in power and for that they have the knowlege thereof you cannot prevent them from dealing in their own Element or from punishing or rewarding as they deem most proper but they cannot controul your thoughts which they can by no means impeach Sir I speak these things as well in reference to my self as you beseeching ye that the Combats of our Consciences may not vent themselves or if the Conscience struggle to get loose at least to lull it asleep if you cannot stifle it in the Cradle Cahier informs me that you are very much surpriz'd at the suddain ends of our new Converts The Baron of Salignac and my self are still alive His Wife and the Wives of Salette Sponde Morlas are also yet living The reason is plain They that are dead would not stifle their Consciences and they choak'd them We must therefore kill our Consciences as I can boast to have done by mine or lay them fast asleep in the Bed of Stupidity as the Baron and his Wife and others have done by a thousand little charming pastimes of Love Come I will give ye a few precepts which I make use of my self Many men render deservedly culpable themselves through their own ill conduct Loyalty though it be highly to be applauded becomes liable to punishment when it sustains them who are depress'd by Fortune We ought to follow favour honour those who are in prosperity spurn at the miserable For never wise man made choice of the unfortunate for his Friends We ought to change as the times alter and abandon that Party from which we can hope for no support There is as much difference between profit and right as between Heaven and Earth water and fire The greatest Families in the World would soon decay should they make any account of Justice A ty'd respect to Honesty would overthrow Citys and Castles The liberty of committing all sorts of Impiety supports Kingdoms Though it went against thy Nature to observe any measure in evil-doing yet he that acts by appearance shall easily find impunity when the fact is committed Let him abstain from the Court that will needs be pious Truth and Grandeur are always at daggers drawing He shall always be in fear Why should a wise man be asham'd to follow the example of his King Wickedness renders them equal who are equally contaminated 'T is not a thing that deserves a little praise to deceive a Prince Honesty not accompany'd with felicity is always contemptible and for poor Vertue see how it is forc'd to suffer the scoffs of the Vulgar Thus you see Sir how I have endeavour'd to employ your contemplation not doubting but you will make your advantage of what I have said as being the most proper Physic for your disease I return'd my most humble thanks to Monsieur Confessour and applauding his discourse Sir said I what follows I speak by way of Confession in acknowledgment of your kindness I recommend my honour to your care And to shew ye that your Doctrin is sow'd in a good ground I am so far from contradicting your grave advice that henceforward I intend to piss upon the friendship of the miserable I have learnt from you that the best way is to eat fowl when they are mortifi'd and to make advantage of men when they are suppl'd by their misfortues To this purpose I will tell you a brave Act which I did upon my second Conversion We were at Orleans the Abbot of and I when the Massacre was committed The Abbot advis'd me to go forth into the street with my Sword i' my hand and to do as the rest did to save my own Life Seeing that his Counsel succeded and that for having my Sword in the guts of a poor Hat-maker I was welcom among the Massacrer's it put me in mind of a Gentleman to whom I had bin beholding for four Months entertainment I went to the door with and other Consorts The good man was upon his knees in the Chamber preparing himself to dye When he heard my voice he came running down receiv'd me full of joy crying out with his eyes lifted up to Heaven O God thou hast sent this man as an Angel to succour me in my affliction That is thought I to put ye quite out of your misery and thereupon I presently sheath'd my Sword in his heart to do him a freindly office I sav'd his Wive's Life of whom I and and the rest of the company made some small use as the time would permit Afterwards for grief of the Injury done her she ran foolishly into the heat of the Massacre and was her self knockt o' the head I miss'd killing a Varlet Huguenot who would never do as I would have had him So that for want of sufficient help I got no more than fourscore Crowns and a green Camlet Suit And this is that wherewith you have hear'd me openly tax when they return'd with me to Paris A noble Act cry'd M. Confessour and I think it was almost in the same Coyn that you pay'd M. Gennes though you did not cut his throat when he importun'd ye to repay the 100000. Crowns Such discourses as these chear'd me up for a time So that I resolv'd to harden my heart never think of what was past but altogether mind the future I have now only two little Fears that disturb me the one in reference to my Estate the other my Religion The first is if the Huguenots should mind their business as they might do then would the greatest part of France fly to their embraces But in that case God be thanked we know how to go come and return again Let me alone to counterfeit Eubolius and to rowl my self in a Sack to the St. John's Gate in Rochel with an humble Petition in my mouth Christians tread me to dirt who am but salt without savour But the fear of my Conscience is least a burning Feaver should surprize and deceive me as it did Morlas However let the worst come to the worst it may be God may pardon me if he does but see me kick a woodd'n Saint topsy turvy in sign of Repentance FINIS The Spanish Proverb * The Mad-mens Saint * The last Crown in Heav'n
haughty King after so many Armies vanquish'd so many flourishing people so many great Princes his Enemies layd at his feet at length for all his Grandeur prostrating himself at the feet of the Pope receives his commands at the hands of his Monsieur Confessor and Cardinal D' Ossat Which two were layd upon their bellies jigg by jowl like Mackarel upon a Gridiron while you might have read half a Mass They say moreover That there was the same play to be play'd over again between his Majesty and Monsieur the Legat but that was to be done gently and under the Rose They who would turn the Holy See quite out of doors instance the boldness of the Court which being a Fugitive as far as Tours yet ventur'd to burn the Bulls of his Holiness by the hand of the common Hangman After that they tell of a second piece of Audacity of the Court united together which was the Banishment of the Jesuits out of France a high contempt of the Romish See But I answer to that That we have no reason to repent of it Witness the good Catholic City of Tournon and in imitation of her the Parliaments of Tholouse and Bourdeaux who both in spight of Fate re-established these stout Champions of the Church Thus you have the proofs of the one and the other side by Consequences and Effects Now for proofs by reason and let no man wonder at this way of proceeding It has been the humor of France for many years to mind the effects and not the reason of things Then I must tell the Reader that a man may sooner venture his Neck and get a hundred thousand Crowns then disengage himself out of the labyrinth of such difficult affairs I shall therefore only say this That I believe the Pope to be more then all the rest of the World together nay then all the Saints and all the Angels I 'll shew ye certain passages which Monsieur Confessor gave me to confirm me in this opinion Bernard of Sens calls him Prince of the Bishops Heir of the Apostles for antiquity of dignity Abel and Noah as a Patriarch Abraham as to his Order Melchisedec as to his Priesthood Aaron as to his Soveraignty Moses in Judgment a Samuel in power a Peter in authority Christ I remember the words of one of the Bulls of Clement the 6th The Pope is to be admir'd The Pope is the astonishment of the World Neither God nor Man but as it were between both The Glossary upon q. Sect. 1. cap. 17. is positive That the Pope is no man I have also read the Distinct and Canon Proposuit de con prae 19. c. Si humanarum Where it is pithily observ'd That the Pope according to the latitude of his Authority has power to give a dispensation against any Law And 5. Transub Epist 5. in Gloss he explains himself farther saying That the Pope can turn injustice into justice Monsieur Confessor never admire at these last passages when I shall tell ye by way of reinforcement that the Pope can make infecta facta that is he can make Something out of Nothing and Nothing of Something By one History alone will I undertake to prove that the Pope can do all this That high and mighty Pope Sixtus Quintus who in his time caus'd above four thousand pair of shoulders to want heads and envy'd the Queen of England for nothing more but that she had the Honour to cut off a Queen's Head who put down the Bawdy houses and consequently took away fourscore thousand Duckets of rent from the Church He that was wont say There 's no trusting in this Religion for it will not last He whom the King call'd Mr. Sixtus who was made Pope that he might bring his Hoggs to a fair Market This Great Personage having unfortunately entred into a Contract with the Devil and having read how Alexander the Sixth for that he had usurp'd the Chair by force was couzen'd in his term of years made his bargain absolutely for seven years but notwithstanding all his wit the Scrivener he had to deal with found a way to get loose from his Articles For after he had raign'd five years very formidably he fell sick the last day of the five years at what time there came to his Bed-side in the sight of his chief Chamberlain a certain grave Abby-Lubber with whom the Pope entred into a very high Contest insomuch that they in the next Room could hear the Pope call the t'other perfidious asking him withal whether he had not promis'd him seven years and whether there were any more then five past To which the Devil's Envoy made answer with a loud voice 'T is true said he I promis'd thee seven years and there are but five elaps'd and yet for all that I am no perfidious Person For do but remember That when you had a desire to put to death the Son of such one for such a Crime when you were inform'd by Justice that Legally he could not be put to death till he was Seventeen years of Age I say then do but remember how you said you would lend him two of yours Now five and two make seven and therefore you must go there 's no remedy By this Story we find the absolute power of the Pope and a confirmation of the fore-mention'd Characters of his Grandeur For by putting the young Lad illegally to death he dispens'd with Law against Law That Justice which should have sav'd the Lad he turn'd into Injustice And the Devil and he made out the third point For the Bargain which was for seven years at first imperfect by the power of the Pope and the Devil became a good Contract as the Devil made it out by the Pope's own Act and Deed. And therefore that buffonly President of Beaulieu when the Pope had excommunicated the Mass which had been said when the King was crown'd together with all that assisted at the Coronation did not much amiss according to his rambling Divinity to say That where there was an Assembly of Ecclesiastics it was such because there was a God among them The Chancellor going about to reply By the body of Sir cry'd the Belswagger you shall grant me that God was present at that same Council The Chancellor not daring to deny the other demands if any Heretic were there who durst venture to bound the puissance of his Holiness Every one shrug'd up his shoulders choosing rather to allow the Excommunication of the God of Heaven then limit the power of a God upon Earth CHAP. II. Of Traditions WE puzzle the Heretics infinitely when we demonstrate to them that the Authority of the Church and Traditions teach us to acknowledge the Scriptures although the Canonical Writings teach us not to acknowledge either Traditions or the Authority of the Church In truth we must hold to the Legends of the Church and not to Canonical Scripture otherwise the Heretics will goad us to Eternity with their Texts out of
for in a place uninhabited before in three years there were built up above fourscore Houses and fifty Inns which nevertheless were not sufficient to entertain the Pilgrims that came from all parts and some of them Personages of great Quality living in other Countries Now were there no other Miracle then that of the building of the Houses the far spreading and the long continuance of an opinion firmly and really believ'd without any foundation methinks there is no Schismatic but should confess it to be somewhat strange and indeed this it is which madds the Heretics to see the people enflam'd with zealous intentions True it is that I would fain admonish the good Fathers that manage these things to carry their business a litle more prudently and closely He that taught the Demoniac of Laon to bid us labour the extirpation of the Hereticks or Huguenots was a mere fool for as Postell observes That would seem to intimate that the Devil is the commander of our happiness Therefore when Prelats design any such Inventions which are not well laid or well disguiz'd they ought to dress them up again polish and put a value upon them not by opposing them as did the Bishop of Anger 's when two young religious Friers full of zeal brought him a young Lady exactly instructed in demonology who play'd her part so well that she play'd the Devil for God's sake The Bishop caus'd the Demoniac to be brought before him and made a most nice inquisition into the business He demanded which were the most violent signs by which they conjectur'd her to be so cramm'd with Devils One of the Devil-masters made answer That there were two things by which they knew the violence of her Torments one was if her skin were touch'd with any Cross but especially one that were made of the Wood of the true Cross the other was by her bounding and leaping and yelling and roaring when any Text of the Gospel was read to her The Bishop had then about his neck one of those Crosses of which we shall speak in the Chapter of Relicques For his Father from whom I learnt the most secret passages of the deceas'd King's life could not want Jewels that was so dextrous as he was and so often entrusted with the King's Jewels One of the Devil-teachers espying this Cross pull'd up the Maid's Coats almost as high as her Knee as she lay upon the ground and desir'd the Prelate to touch her skin gently with the Cross Upon which this wicked Bishop pulls off his Cross indeed but at the same time slily pulls out a Key out of his pocket and touches the Girle 's Leg She no sooner felt the cold of the Key but she almost frighted the people out of their wits to see what Curvets and Capers she made To make the second proof the Bishop pull'd out of his pocket a Petronius Arbiter instead of his Breviary and began to read Matrona quaedam Ephesi With that she fell a foaming at the mouth and wonder-working at a prodigious rate but when the Bishop came to read placitone etiam pugnabis amore The Devil who never lov'd in his life grew so impatient that the poor Creature not able to endure his twinges sounded away upon the floor upon that the Bishop like a demi Lutheran said he could not smother such an imposture but he had not read an ancient Doctor who says 't is better to let people go on in their Superstition then spoil their Devotion The Bishop was well reprov'd for his rashness so that he did not shew himself so much a misbeliever to the second Demoniac that was presented to him whose name was Martha and brought by an honest Capuchin She had two Devils within her the one was call'd Belzebub and the other Astarot The first was a churlish boystrous hectoring Devil a great Enemy to the Huguenots he fought with all the World and he had drubb'd Monsieur Matros of Angiers himself had he not taken a good Cudgel in his hand crying out Mr. Fly-catcher Belzebub if thou playest thy tricks with me I will swinge thee like a Devil indeed Astarot was an honest Devil young and gentle who desir'd that Martha should be well treated and handsomely clad in which Equipage she was presented to the Clergy of Angiers The Clergy desir'd that these two Devils of quality should be first examin'd by the Church One of the Judges of the City said that it concern'd their Honour and upon the Examination of these two Spirits began to speak Latin and then Greek at that Belzebub began to be in wroth and told 'em if they would he would answer 'em as well in Greek as in Latin but the Capuchin to furnish the Devils with an excuse reply'd my friend Belzebub you must know that here are Heretics in the Room and therefore I advise ye not to speak at all Then they went to posing of Astarot but he excus'd himself by reason of his Youth Belzebub made his excuse by saying he was a poor Devil Upon that arose a great dispute whether the Devils were bound to go to School The Lawyers maintain'd that it was proper in quarto modo for Demoniacks to speak all Languages as he did at Cartigni in Savoy who was try'd in 16 Tongues So that the Ministers at Geneva durst not attempt to exorcise him They of Angiers were more hardy who began thus Commando tibi ut exeas Belzebub Astarot aut ego augmentabo vestras poenas et vobis dabo acriores The second time he was more fierce Jubeo ut exeatis super poenam Excommunicationis majoris minoris The third time in a pelting chafe Nisi vos exeatis said he vos relego confino in infernum centum annos plus quam Deus exordinavit The Counsellours were about to laugh and to have discover'd the fraud but the people mutiny'd and the Bishop to make his peace alleg'd that he had suppress'd a Catholic Printer by Excommunication who was about to print a book of Duplessis and that if they pleas'd he would excommunicate Hauttain of Rochel That which is the greatest blot to the Reputation of these incarnate mock-shews is that the affront redounds to our Lady of Ardilliers there being a necessity for her Curate to cast out Devils by the power and in the name of that good Lady that scorn'd to stir at the name of God which has mainly augmented the devotion and number of her Pilgrims Some said that this Miracle was reserv'd for precedencie's sake to Frier Ange Lugulis Lievtenant to the grand Provost and a great Adversary of these Fable-mongers who would make us all turn Heretics but if I believe 'em quo he would I were hang'd When I reply'd that he did not do well to speak so plainly he made answer that there were two thousand Souls in Heaven and as many upon Earth that would answer for him that he was no Huguenot we laugh'd at him and would not suffer him