indeed there had been no real conversion though I had often thoughts towards God and especially I was given much to impatiency for which my Husband had often reproved me But still I went on in my sin being not sensible of my sad condition therein until I came into England After which this Sermon of Mr. T. did much humble me and wrought upon my heart a very great sense of my sins And I was afraid that I had committed the sin of Blasphemy against God as Job said his children perhaps had done some way or other because I had sometimes cursed some body or something that had angred me and in passion rapt out sometimes at Oath many nights I watered my bed with my tears about it and went to Mr. VVest a Minister near Liverpoole and other godly people who used such means as God led them forth to for my comfort but I was still afflicted in my Soul about the space of three weeks and then I found much comfort being perswaded by good counsel to trust in God which I did and was heartily sorry for my sins And then my Husband was troubled in mind himself and the Lord made me an instrument to comfort him as well as I could But about five months after he had abundance of joy and comfort and expected death saying that he was perswaded he should be killed and so presently after he was setled in his mind it fell sadly out For the Enemy took Liverpool and killed my Husband and a child both before my face and stript and wounded me and a child of five years old and it was thought I could not live And this was a strong tryal and I was much tempted my senses me thought were going from me and my heart I thought would have rent in pieces yet I prayed and the Lord heard me I thought it was too much for me to bear But I remembred my Saviours words He that will not forsake Father or Mother or Sister or Brother or Husband or Child for Christ is not worthy of him and I desire to give glory to his name I consider that I must part with all for Christ I strove hard against my own weakness and my heart said that God was just in all his dealings with me I thought when I had considered of it that I did but suffer as an evil doer my self but our cause was Gods and our Enemies Popish Rebels Paul was ready not only to suffer but to dye at Jerusalem for the name of Christ so I took it patiently giving glory to God and believing that God who wus come so near me would not forsake me I was assured with much joy that the Lord would bring me to himself and in this confidence did rejoyce with my wounded Child and a little Daughter a Barn where we were put having got a piece of an old Bible and then and since I have found much settledness in my faith from several Promises of the Lord revealed in his holy Word some of which follow John 15.7 If ye abide in me and my words abide in you ye shall ask what you will and it shall be done unto you I trust in God never to depart from his word and therefore hope to find comfort in the end and do find comfort in the way in that Christ abideth with me Matth. 5.6 Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness for they shall be filled Though the Lord hath thus emptyed me of some worldly comforts yet he hath given me an hungring and thirsting Soul after himself and therefore I laid hold of this promise of blessedness as made to me Matth. 11.28 where Christ saith Come unto me all ye that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest It this I have been and still am much comforted in the greatest afflictions that God hath laid upon me in whom alone is true rest And as further testimonies of my love to God and evidences of my faith I have these comfortable inferences which speak much peace to my Soul 1. My love to God and Christ is more than to all things in the World 2. I find a great difference in my affections to God and to the World and the things thereof so that my Children which of all worldly things are most near and dear to me yet if God should take them from me I could freely give them 3. I find the Spirit striving against the flesh so that when I heard Dr. Holmes speaking of that still voice which a Believer hears as it were from the Spirit it did so inlarge my heart that for joy and great comfort it made me weep through the influence of the Spirit sensibly then upon my heart and so at other times also I find much comfort in the Spirit of God which is my greatest joy 4. I do rejoyce mightily in the Ordinances and apply what I hear to my self as well as I can and when I hear any thing against any evil that I can apply to my self the Lord draws forth my heart frequently to pray to God that I may do nothing that may displease him And I thank my God I find a full willingness in desire and affection to submit to every truth of Jesus Christ 5. When I hear comforts spoken of that concern me I am so joyful that it fills my heart and sometimes fetches tears from mine eyes as particularly when Master M. said That afflictions were a testimony of Gods love to his people as Lazarus was sorely afflicted and dearly beloved 6. Since I heard Mr. B. and others as also suitable to my condition sevcral things laid open by Mr. W. in some cases of Conscience I have been much affected to settle my self so by the power of Christ that I may find peace in my conscience in all things before I dye and have made it my chief business and have found comfort in the meetings of godly people 7. I bless the name of the Lord my affections are loving to the people of God and I know I love them dearly and my heart riseth to hear them spoken against I had rather bear reproaches my self than than see any one of them wronged or suffer 8. I desire as to live with God in glory in Heaven so to lead my life to his glory here on Earth in grace according to the rule of his holy Word and the examples of the Saints therein expressed and I could heartily wish were it possible that I might never sin more And I have I bless God a clear discerning through the power of the Spirit of Grace that the Gospel is the Word of truth to Salvation 9. When I come before the Lord I see nothing but emptiness in my self and therefore trust in the fulness of Christ in whose power and Spirit I find much comfort and desire always that I may come prepared with that wedding garment that may never be taken away from me for of my self I can do nothing but through
Mercy Triumphant IN THE Conversion of Sinners UNTO GOD. Being an Account of the Remarkable Experiences Of many Eminent Christians in several Declarations made by them upon Solemn Occasions Displaying the exceeding Riches of the Free Grace and Love of God in supporting them under violent Temptations and the Troubles of their despairing Consciences and at length filling their Souls with Divine Consolations Formerly published by divers faithful Ministers of the Gospel in and about London and now revived for the comforting of poor doubting Believers By W. D. Come and hear all ye that fear God and I will declare what he hath done for my Soul Psal 66 1 LONDON Printed for Nath. Crouch at the 〈◊〉 in the Poultrey near Cheapside 1696. TO THE READER I Am very sensible that Discourses of Conversion in this Age are much slighted and derided by some kind of men that make high pretences to Learning and Knowledge who tell us that this talk of Conversion is fitter for Pagans and Infidels to hear than Christians and Protestants But as some people speak against Learning that have none themselves so such Persons may be thought to inveigh against Conversion and the Spirit of God because they never experienced the effects of either of them in themselves For certainly I. It is not the taking on us the Profession of Christianity that can save our Souls or make us happy forever If to cease to be Jews or Pagans and to put on the Christian Profession were sufficient then the Christians of Sardis and Laodicea who had a name to live would never have been condemned by our blessed Lord and threatned to be spewed out Rev. 3.1 16. Are there not many thae name the name of Jesus Christ that yet depart not from Iniquity and profess they know God but in works deny him and will God receive these for True Converts because they are turned to the Christian Religion II. It is not being Baptized into the Christian Faith nor being Washed in the Laver of Regeneration that can denominate a Man a real and sincere Christian Many take the Press Money and wear the Livery of Christ that yet never stand to their Colours nor follow their Leader Ananias and Saphira and Simon Magus were baptized as well as the rest How fondly then do many men mistake deceiving and being deceived dreaming that the effectual Grace of God is necessarily joyned to the outward administration of Baptism and that being Converted and Regenerated already when Baptized they need no more But if this were so then all that were baptized in their Infancy must necessarily be saved because the promise of Pardon and Salvation is made to Conversion and Regeneration and we need look no further to see our Names written in Heaven but to search the Register and see whether we were baptized and the Certificate of our Baptism will be the fairest evidence for Heaven and we need only to cry God mercy and be absolved by the Minister at our Death and we shall inherit the Kingdom of God But let me tell you from the living God that whatever benefits you receive by baptism yet if when you come to years you be unholy unclean malicious covetous a scoffer or the like you cannot be saved except you be renewed again by repentance and a through and powerful change of your heart and life III. It is not Moral Righteousness that will evidence us to be Christians we must exceed the Scribes and Pharisees And though the blessed Apostle Paul before his Conversion says that he was touching the Righteousness of the Law blameless Phil. 3. So that none could charge him with the least immorality and though the self justifying Pharisee could say I am no Extortioner Adulterer Unjust c. Luke 18.11 yet this was not sufficient Thou must have something more than all this to shew or else God will not justifie thee I condemn not Morality but we are not to rest there Piety includes Morality as Christianity doth Humanity and Grace includes Reason but we must not divide the two Tables IV. External Conformity to the Rules of Piety is not enough to make us true Christians Many have a Form of Godliness without the Power they may pray long fast often hear gladly and be very forward in the service of God though costly and expensive and yet be strangers to Christianity and the divine Life It will not be enough for them to plead at the great Day of Account that the◠kept their Church said their Prayers received the Sacrament constantly gave Alms or the like For there is no outward service but an Hypocrite may perform it even to the giving all his goods to the poor and his body to be burned 1 Cor. 13.3 V. A Seeming Conformity to the will of God occasioned either by the restraint of humane Laws Education Afflictions or the like can never give us assurance of eternal happiness 'T is too common and easy to mistake Education for the Grace of God but if this were true who was a better man than Jehoash who while his Vncle lived was very forward in Gods service and calls upon him to repair the house of the Lord 2 Kings 12.2 7. yet there was nothing but good Education all this while for when his good Tutor was taken out of the way he appears to have been only chained up and presently falls to Idolatry so in case of humane Laws and Afflictions though men may seem very conformable while they are restrained by them yet that being removed many throw of all and commit iniquity with groediness Having briefly declared what true Christianity is not I shall in short discover what it is Conversion or true Religion consists in the thro' change both of the heart and life by the Spirit of God through the merits and Intercession of Jesus Christ Where this is in truth it goes throughout all the powers principles and practices of a man His mind is changed and the scales of his natural ignorance fall off so that God and his glory weigh down all carnal and worldly Interests and he is turned from darkness to light He that thought formerly there was little hurt in sin now comes to see it to be the chief of evils Heretofore he saw no form nor comeliness in his holy Redeemer that he should desire him but now he finds him to be the hid Treasure and the Pearl of price for which he is willing to part with all to purchase it Now God is all to him and he values his favour and the light of his countenance above all the good that he formerly inquired after and set his heart upon Let the world now present her self in all the glory of her Kingdoms yet his Soul will prefer a naked a crucified a persecuted Christ before her and he will cry out The Lord is my portion saith my soul Whom have I in Heaven but thee and there is none upon Earth that I desire besides thee God is the strength of
was at a little stand at the first yet would not stoop under this Beam but stept aside and so passed away laying my Hand thereon as I stept by the side of it when suddenly I thought the House was all in a flame at which I was something troubled passing on the way and wondring in my self what this should be till I was overtaken by some rude Malicious Men who accused me for setting this House on Fire and would not hear me speak but were violently halling me away to Prison with which being sufficiently affrighted and my stesh set a Trembling I awaked and was offended with my self for being so much concerned at a foolish Dream and Fancy so it being yet dark I laid me down and fell asleep again and wast cast into the same Dream again exactly and at my Right Hand I thought there was a Grave Ancient Man full of white Hairs like Wool and a long white Beard who stood by me and said Chear up fear not for the Lord hath sent me to comfort thee and to tell thee that he hath chosen thee to Preach his Word and the Gospel of Christ which is the Staff thou hadst in thine Hand and with this Staff which is the Word of God thou shalt walk home to thy Fathers House in Heaven where is fullness of Joy but after a time thou wilt be troubled with the different opinions and ways of Men and seem at first to be at a loss yet the Lord will be thy Guide Go on and as thou goest forward the way of the Lord will still appear plainer before thine Eyes the footsteps thou sawest are the Examples of the Saints that have gone before you which will be a great help to you and you shall walk chearfully on in the way which is clear to you and shall see no other but yet you must meet with the fair House on the left Hand that is the Glory and Great ones of the World who make a great and fair shew to Men as if built High but they must fall and are only on the left Hand of you whilst you will Despise and Preach against them and turn your Eye forward to go in the way of God without turning about By the Beam that came out of this House is meant the Powers and Opinions of these who when you shall cross or step aside or will not stoop under them they are set on fire and inflamed on a sudden but be not troubled go forward although they send after you saying you have brought this fire upon them and though they falsly accuse you and seek to hawl you to Prison for this fact whereof you are altogether Innocent At which I awaked again it being about Day-break wondring with my self what it should mean and verily believing it to be more than ordinary and being filled with confidence and comfort I rose up and writ it down presently Next day I went away towards Huntington-Shire where I was accepted and entertained and had a comfortable Maintenance for several years But after all these Deliverances I Multiplyed abundantly in Gifts and Graces either to Pray Expound Read Sing Hymns and Spiritual Songs with the Spirit and Understanding and as Israel Exod. 1. the more he was Afflicted he Multiplyed the more so Blessed be the Lord I was the more filled with the Spirit endued with strength and grace and refreshed with Peace and Joy the more I had suffered so that all my troubles were through Grace but as Josephs step to Higher Enjoyments and finding the Lord so abundantly to endue me from above and to Qualifie me for the Call that I had before in the Night for the Ministry which I little thought or imagined could have come to pass my Friends having often resolved on the contrary and all things so fairly concurring I was much confirmed that the Lord had designed me thereunto and not long after I was by a Godly People earnestly importuned and at length grevailed with to Preach the Gospel and was soon known about the Country so although I have ever since met with several Afflictions Oppositions and Troubles yet many have given Testimony to the Word I have Preached in divers places the Lord be praised to the great refreshing of my Soul and toward the filling up of my Joy when I shall give an account to their comfort at the Great Day of the Lord. After this I was sent forth as a Pastor and publick Teacher by the Church and I know my Ministerial Commission and Authority to be from God and notwithstanding the divers Temptations I still meet with finding my Heart full of Corruption and my Life a continual Warfare yet I bless God who hath delivered me in divers ways which I have not here declared from the Fraudulent Gins and Snares of the Devil and who hath called me out of Darkness into Light that his power is stronger in me than any that hath been against me and I am the better provided against Satan because I now live by Faith in the Son of Goâ— above the Letter in the Life above the Form in the Power above self in an higher self where I have my aboad so that I am not I but by the Grace of God it is that I am what I am I have Provision within seeing Christ in me is the hope of Glory and I do certainly expect Salvation in Christ Jesus my Head my Lord my Elder Brother and the first Fruits of them that Rise again And although I meet with daily Tryals at Home and Abroad within and without yet I am all the time ascending to Heaven the same way that Christ my Redeemer went Who hath through the Vail Consecrated a New and living way for me into the Holy of Holies I can comfortably Drink aftet my Saviour out of his own Cup and in eating his Meat and drinking his Drink I can take Gall and Vinegar as well as Milk and Honey and I account the enjoyment of Christ to be the enjoyment of all the Excellencies and Happiness in Heaven and Earth nesther do I doubt but I shall appear perfect in his Righteousness being pardoned by his Death purged by his Blood Sanctified by his Spirit and Saved by his Power and to be Glorified as he is Glorified and see him as he is and whilst I Live and Breath I hope and Resolve to live to him and for him as well as by him and I shall not desire to live one minute longer than it may be for his Honour Glory and Service which I beseech the Lord of Heaven to make me fit for and faithful in and to prepare my Soul for that Glory which is to be Revealed J. R. II. Experiences of R. W. I will declare what the Lord hath done for me First in my Youth my Father being a Godly Man in Dublin in Ireland brought up his Children very Religiously but for my part though I were well Educated and Instructed yet I was very Disobedient being young and
Mother from me which was some sorrow to me but being suddenly made my Father's house-keeper so as it were a Mother to ten Children a Mistress over six Servants none to do any thing without my command or consent being as it were my Father's right hand from whom I had this Authority it did not only stop my sorrow but caused an exceeding joyful pride or proud joy to seize upon my heart seeing my self as it were advanced being respected amongst the chiefest of the Parish who were my Mothers companions I representing her person when I was amongst them then began the cares of the World and the deceivableness of vanities to seize upon my heart and made me forget my former order promises and intentions and thus I spent almost seven years cumbred about many things but quite neglecting that one thing which is needful About this time it pleased God to take my Father from me upon a sudden I asked my heart What was the cause of my Father's death It made answer thus Because thou hast sinned against God thou hast not only omitted much good but thou hast committed much evil thou hast spent thy time idly and loosely and for thy sake all thy Brothers and Sisters are now made Fatherless and Motherless This consideration made such a deep impression upon my spirit that I refused all comfort for half a year crying out continually My sins my sins woe is me my sins being demanded by divers godly friends and reverend Divines what those sins were which so much troubled me I told them sins of omission sins of omission they would perswade me that I was young and that I had not years enough over my head to be guilty of so many sins by omission that needed so much sorrow I told them that I was old enough to offend God and to provoke him to anger indeed I could not give so ready account of my sins of evil committed and of good omitted but though they never took notice of my sins yet my heart was witness against me Thus I wearied all my Friends with my excessive sorrow who knew not what to do for me more than they had done With one consent they sent me up to London perswading me that the Word of God was more plentifully Preached there which made me willing to come But missing of my Brother to whom I was sent to be provided for and resolving to wait upon some Gentlewoman until I could with conveniency return down again God by his providence brought me to the Wife of Dr. Page Minister of Debtford from whom I received great comfort but in a short time God took him from us all whose death was greatly lamented I found much favour and love from all that knew me and most especially from Mris. Page who for three years and an half would not suffer me to be away from her one day At the end of which time I was married to her eldest Son then living we had not been long married and my Husband received his Portion but we took a house in Westminster intending to take some honest course for a livelihood but there God knows we fell acquainted with some company which did not only cause much time to be spent in idleness but almost all our means One man especially who gave his mind to drinking and other vices more than any good he I say was never well contented without my Husband's company Seeing imminent danger to hang over our heads by reason of this course of life I greatly desired my Husband to refrain that man's company or at least not to suffer him to come so often home to our house This I begged upon my knees with tears but could not prevail then did the Devil set his foot into my heart and perswade me that by the committing of one sin I should prevent many and so stirred me up to murther him to which suggestion I cowardly yielded and sought all opportunities to perform this wicked act Here I denied my Master Christ In the highest of this hatred in my sleep I thought I was in a very large Chamber sitting behind a Table covered with a green Carpet upon which lay all manner of Instruments which proclaim death suddenly the man came into the Chamber whom so soon as I espyed to be alone catching up a weapon in my hand I resolved there to commit the horrid act of murther upon his body but God who watcheth over his whether they sleep or wake and worketh by means and without means which way he pleaseth at that time put an end to all my revengeful thoughts and caused me to hear a voice in my Ear saying Vengeance is mine to which voice I answered aloud And thou wilt repay O Lord Then waking hearing my self speak I was in very good charity with him and left my wrong to God but reflecting upon mine own heart there I found not only these but a whole nest of most Diabolical and wicked intentions which my God was pleased by his preventing graces to smother in their birth for I no sooner had concluded that I would fulfil mine own hearts lust although I suffered all the punishments due for such and such like sins wherein I ran away from my Captain yet for all this he had a favour towards me and sent an Herauld after me to bring me back again But then began a fresh Battel for my God coming as it were to see what use I had made of the Talent that he had given me he found it not only wrapt up in a napkin but exceedingly abused and searching my heart what found he there but a sink of sin a Cage of unclean Birds and Den of Theeves a place for Dragons for the Scritchowl and for the Satyre these had taken full possession there was no room for my God they kept him out and what did they there but made it like a troubled Sea First telling me my sins were greater than could be forgiven Dost thou not know said they that thy thought sins are sufficient to damn thee although thou hast never committed any actually doth not the Scripture say plainly if a Man lust after a Woman he hath committed Adultery which commandment being broken brings death I then took a view of all the ten Commandments written in the Moral Law to see which of them I had broken and which I had kept I found them all broken and at the end of every one was written Death And not only these but those sweet commands of my Saviour Jesus Christ wherein he bids us watch and pray for your enemies feed the hungry cloath the naked love one another all which I had likewise broken which made me to see nothing to remain for me but death and damnation I argued then with my self on this wise I have read and I have heard that Almighty God which by his power made Heaven and Earth and all therein had sent his Son to dye for sinners and that there was hopes through his
death that I should get pardon I had no sooner cast mine eye upon my God and Saviour but I was dashed from all Mine enemy Satan possessing my thoughts suggested thus unto me Fond Fool quoth he why dost thou thus trouble thy self take thy pleasure do what thou likest thou shalt never be called to an account for any thing for as the wise man dyeth so dyeth the fool and both rest in the grave together there is no God to save thee or to punish thee all things were made by nature and when thou dyest there is an end of all thy good and bad deeds thou talkest of the Scripture and of a God and of a Jesus which thou hast heard of there see thy simplicity now how canst thou prove the Scriptures to be true alas they were made by mens inventions there is no hold for thee to take there Thus being unquiet I spent my days and nights in tears and sighs and groans sometimes thinking with my self If I shall be saved why am I thus Then again concluding that there was no Heaven no God no Jesus no good Angels only an Hell there was and Devils to carry me thither who waited in every corner and behind every door to snatch me away And I saw there was no remedy but the more I strove the faster I stuck I fainted and laid down mine arms and cowardly yielded to the enemy arguing with my self if I am a firebrand of Hell a child of perdition a limb of Satan and my portion is to be with the Devil and his Angels Why live I longer upon the Earth why go I not to mine own place Thus content to perish I wandred about the space of half a year no Man nor Woman was privy to nor knew the least of all my thoughts at length concluding that the night ensuing would be my last night that I should stay here on Earth as one desiring to be at home I carelesly left my Family and went to bed as it were inviting the Devils to come and take their due but mark I pray you the goodness of our God who was with me all this while and I was not aware of it for even that same night The little dog leaping upon the bed I thought it was the Devil who was come to fetch me away I screamed forth aloud but when I perceived it was the dog and not the Devil I began to think Thut surely there was a God that had preserved me all this while In a most grievous agony I spent that night weeping and although it was Winter yet I sweat that the water ran from off every part of my Body Being in this sad condition I thought it was not right but surely some means might be used to get out of it And rising the more early in the morning went up into the highest room that was in the House and looked forth at the window to see if I could see God there I beheld the Trees to grow the Birds to flye the Heavens how they hanged and all things that were before me then I thought they could not make themselves no more than I could make my self and that we must needs have a Maker and this Maker must be strong and powerful Then I fell down upon my knees crying out in this manner O God if there be a God shew thy self to me a poor miserable wretch that I am at the point to perish Then I thought I saw the Lord but with a frowning countenance he looked upon me as if he had said Thou hast displeased me and I will not hear thee and turning his back went from me which sight was as a dart thrust through my Soul for the space of half an hour divers thoughts entred into my Heart but before I rose from off my knees I resolved to become an earnest suter to him and not to do any thing more that should displease him hoping that he would be intreated for that which was past But now I beseech you godly Christians to take notice of the wonderfull workings of our good God whose judgements are unsearchable and his ways past finding out He had called many times at the door of my heart and had but small and slight entertainment but now he came violently and powerfully to take possession of his own and set me about his work in my self Then I began to think what I should do and whether I should go to pacifie the wrath of this terrible and dreadfull God by whose providence I was brought to a Church in VVestminster where Mr. Dod a very godly and reverend Divine was preaching a Funeral Sermon I went in hoping to hear some comfort giving attentive heed his Text was With my dead body they shall arise see here my God did not only make a scourge of small cords and whipped out the buyers and sellers but he did over-turn and overturn and overturn for this Minister did not only preach to the people but shewed me as it were in a looking glass mine own condition and told me that by the gates of Hell many times God was pleased to bring his Servants to Heaven being hungry and thirsty I was glad of a little food and presently catcht hold of that word Is it so thought I then there is comfort for me I will about my work if it please God to assist me In his Sermon he asked divers questions to which my heart made answer so that I came home joyfull longing to hear more of his Doctrine which fell out as if it had been on purpose for my sake so that for a month or five weeks I heard two three four or five Sermons from him constantly every week wherein he bid me try and prove whether I had Faith or no whether I did hate my sins or no and what have been the signs and fruits thereof He likewise bid me search the Scriptures for they are true and compare my condition with the children of God there But after he was sensible of my condition which I made known to him privately he was very laborious to bring my Soul out of the jaws of Death and to raise it up to Jesus Christ for which pains I hope my God will reward him to his everlasting comfort But one thing I had almost forgot When I was in the depth of my spiritual dejection I was utterly denyed all outward comforts my God hiding his face I was troubled the Sun the Moon and the Stars seemed in their courses to fight against me my neighbours fell out with me and mocked me my kindred deserted me my Captain Christ offended made me run the gauntlet and every Souldier had a lash at me whatsoever happened unto me brought sorrow to my heart But when I was perswaded that the Scriptures were true I set my self to search them to see what comfort I could find there beginning at the Alpha of Genesis I found In the beginning God created the Heaven and the Earth and all therein Well
then though I there is a God but viewing a little further I found this God offended and Man in a lost condition but presently a remedy promised going on I found the Paschal Lamb the brazen Serpent the bunch of Grapes the scape Goat and divers other things to be types of that promised Seed I likewise took a view of the afflictions of Joseph David and Job that did much ease my grief Coming to that place where my God spake by his Prophet Come let us reason together though your sins were as scarlet I will make them as white as snow though they were like crimson they shall be like wool And though you had lain among the pots yet shall ye be like doves wings covered over with silver Then I thought will the Lord reason with sinners will he vouchsafe a Parley O that I were able to answer him one of a thousand O that these promises belonged unto me O that this God were reconciled unto me How happy should I be how happy is that man whose Transgressions are forgiven and whose sins are covered O how blessed is that man unto whom the Lord imputeth no sin I found the same Prophet Isaiah prophesie of my Saviours birth in his 9th Chapter and in his 53 he lively sets forth his Passion and in the 55 the Lord inviting me with a Proclamation Ho every one that thirsteth come then I answered Lord I would fain come but how shall I come I have nothing to bring to pacifie thine anger O that I could see thee smile upon me as once I saw thee frown how happy should I be then I called to mind that I had heard and read that Jesus Christ shed his blood for sinners and that whosoever believeth in him should be saved and I was something incouraged to petition in his Name on this manner Heal me O Lord and I shall be healed turn me and I shall be turned convert me and I shall be converted O save me my God and I shall be saved take away this stony heart of mine and give me an heart of flesh renew a right Spirit within me restore me to those joys that I was wont to find in thee for thy loving kindness is better than thousands of Rivers of Oyl O cast me not away whom thou hast had so much patience withal O cast me not away whom thou hast bought with so dear a price O forsake me not in this my great necessity O look upon that ever-streaming fountain of thy Sons blood which is poured forth for all them that believe Lord I believe help thou my unbelief O pardon pardon I beseech thee forgive me all my sins my Sermon-sins my Sabbath-sins my every-days sins my other peoples sins my sins of omission my sins of commission my sins of ignorance my sins of knowledge my sins of presumption my sins of willfulness O Lord forgive me my known and secret sins O pardon the sins that I have committed this day O speak the word only and thy Servant shall be healed Amen Thus when the Lord had opened my mouth to speak unto him I gathered a great deal of strength and had much hope that he would be intreated but not setting so great an esteem on my Saviour Jesus Christ as I ought I thought I must bring somthing with me to pacifie my God I thought I must make my self all fair and beautiful before my God would love me but how to do this I knew not for the space of eleven years I sought all opportunities to please him yet when I examined my ways works and actions I found they were so far from pleasing him that they were rather motives to stir him up to anger if he should be severe to mark what I did amiss many times I thought upon the sad condition that I had been in and how the Lord had restored me then my heart was elevated and over-joyed I found a great deal of love in my self towards God but was not sure of Gods love to me which I esteemed above all the World the honour of God was so dear unto me that I could sometimes say unto him Lord if there be no way to bring honour to thy Name but by my confusion then let me be confounded but sure Lord thou maist gain more glory in saving me than in damning me the dead cannot bring honour to thy Name for who shall give thee thanks in the pit the living the living they shall praise thee as I hope to do hereafter Many times I prayed and had many petitions granted me presently and at other times I prayed and was denyed what I begged but had what I desired in a better way in all Dispensations I found my God with me either with his preventing assisting or supporting graces I received innumerable favours from him yet could I not be perswaded that they came from his love but that rather they were to augment my score I was still labouring and inquiring how I might come to be assured of Gods love which he was pleased at length to shew me in some measure on this manner In the sixt of John I hear my Saviour Jesus Christ telling me that I cannot come to him except God our Father draw me and if I come to him him he will in no wise cast me out but will raise me up at the last day I am perswaded that it was my God alone that did draw me to my Saviour Jesus Christ that will receive me and will raise me up at the last Day In John 17. I hear him praying to his Father for me whose request I am confident shall not be denyed Nay further by faith I see my Saviour Jesus Christ suffering for me nailed upon the Cross for me wounded buffeted stript and spit upon for me dead buryed rose again ascended into Heaven and sitteth on the right hand of his Father and my God making intercession for me which gives me assurance of my Gods everlasting and unchangeable love in and through my Saviour Jesus Christ towards me and that not for any thing that was in me but for his sake he said unto me when I was in my blood live and I know I do believe and am regenerated by the Holy Ghost 1. Because I find such an alteration in my self that whereas before I could not believe there was a God now I am sure there is a Great and an Almighty God and he is my loving Father 2. Before I durst not lift up mine eyes to Heaven now I can with boldness cry Abba dear Father 3. Before I did not regard the people of God now all my delight is with the Saints that are upon the Earth 4. I love to hear my God well spoken of it grieves me to hear or see him dishonoured 5 I long to see my Saviour and to kiss those wounds from which issued streams of blood which pacified Gods anger towards me 6. I rejoyce when I think of death knowing that it is swallowed up in victory
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