as 1 Thes 5. 17. c. but yet notwithstanding I was dissatisfyed about it that notion of waiting carrying such a shew of spirituality I could not easily let it go but yet this tryall had so shaken it that I did begin much to question it and also those other notions of the like nature then it pleased the Lord to bring us safe to Land through which mercy I had some little communion with God being able to speak of his goodness in delivering us from that danger but through that dissatisfaction which still remained in me about these notions it was interrupted again and my beloved had withdrawn himself and I was very much troubled not knowing where to rest nor what to do but notwithstanding I did begin much to question those things from that trial I had of them on the Sea yet I was more inclined to them than to truth for some time especially to that of prayer and three or four times after I remember in discourse with some friends I did a little plead for them which though it was my sin so to do I did not then know it but must needs say I did as simply and sincerely aim at doing the wil of God in all those things as ever I did in any thing and therefore though Satan had so beguiled me yet I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly but my trouble and want of communion with God did still increase insomuch that I was scarce able to bear my burthen and speaking of it to my Husband who was at that time much in the same condition I remember amongst many words he spake some were to this purpose That seeing we were in such a condition and at such a loss it was best to speak but little that as we did but little good we might do but little harm which I did well approve of and after that I spake little for or against any thing till I was better satisfyed then being so truly in a day of adversity according to that counsel of the Wise man in Eccles 7. 14. I sate down seriously to consider what might be the cause of my being in so sad and strange a condition Through which consideration by degrees I came to see and conclude that certainly there was something amiss in my Judgement as to those notions beginning clearly to discern they did so oppose and contradict my former received principles that they could not stand together but if one was true the other was false and that I must leave the one or the other for though I had received the new I could never fully quit the old neither in Judgement nor practice Then I was restless in my desire for three or four daies to know which of the two were truth oft times earnestly begging of God that he would decide the controversie and discover to me which was according to his mind and which not being fully satisfied that but one of them could be truth then it pleased the Lord to put me upon a particular examination what grounds I had in Scripture and what experience I had of both in reading and examining my Scripture-grounds I began to discern a great inclination in my heart to the former principles finding I thought the Scripture very full and plain for them but nothing for the other but what was from some dark mysterious interpretations which were very doubtfull and for my own experience I did remember and was constrained to acknowledge that in receiving and keeping close to the fotmer I had joy and peace and much satisfaction and communion with God but since I received the other the Lord had as it were hid his face from me and I was filled with confusion and distraction and the remembrance of that tryall I had of them upon the Sea did very much help me now to see the falsity of them that in a time of tryal I durst not stick to them as indeed I plainly saw that I could never stick to them so as to answer them fully in my practice unless I should have laid aside the appearance of godliness have been very profane the consideration of which with some other evill consequences which I saw cleerly did naturally attend those things was another means by which the Lord was pleased to recover me from them and to discover Satan under his veil to me how by these things he did intend if the Lord had not prevented him to have stript me of all my hopes and in particular as to that of being saved by a Christ within and not by a Christ without the Lord was pleased to shew me that it was quite another thing differing from the Gospel and that it was attended with this evil consequence even to overthrow the whole Gospel and to deny the Lord that bought them at the thoughts of which my soul did tremble and that if he should have prevailed here all my hopes were gone for I could not nor durst not rest on any thing in my self as a ground of hope for life and salvation but on the other hand concerning my hope in the Lord Jesus Christ according to the Gospel I could truly say of that as Peter did John 6. 68. Lord whither shall we go thou hast the words of eternal life so whither should I go from the Gospel there are the words of eternal life there is all my rest and hopes in the Lord Jesus through the Gospel and therefore I resolved in the strength of Christ to stick to this and leave the other Then secondly as to that of waiting for a power to pray and that there was no command but from within concerning both these the Lord was pleased to shew me that it was not according to his mind but a meer invention of Satan by degrees to draw me from my duties and that it was attended with this evil consequence even to slight the Scriptures and commands of God and to expose the Soul to Satans deceivings to walk by the imaginations of their own hearts instead of the motions of the spirit and also it brings the soul into great uncertainties which the truth never doth but on the other hand to do dueties in obedience to the authority and commands of God in Scripture and to pray at all times as we have opportunities having received a principle of grace by which we are made capable of prayer I saw this was a cleer and sound truth not being attēded with any evill consequence nor bringing the soul into straits and uncertainties but rather gives enlargements in every condition and therefore I desired likewise to keep close to these and leave the other but oh the joy and comfort that was in my Soul at this return I cannot express it but this I say it was to me as life from the dead And as I was blessing praising and magnifiing the Lord for his unchangeable goodness to me my Husband having been some time from me came home to whom I did declare my
the Gospel this only as to possibilities for ordinarily it is not so But thirdly by Gospel qualifications I mean such as are from Gospel dictates from a cleer apprehension of the free grace of God therein being constrained from the Love of Christ and in obedience to the commands and authority of Christ the soul giving up it self in all things to be like him such as are wrought by the Gospel and spirit received they and they only are the fruits of the spirit but as for those other qualifications persons that are ignorant of the Gosspel and have not received the Spirit may be eminent in them which indeed for that they have such a resemblance of the fruits of the Spirit are great ornaments as to appearance though as to inward glory they do many times prove miserable ornaments being props and staies that keep such persons from coming to Christ and as it was said of the Pharisees Mat. 21. 31. Publicans and Harlots do enter into the Kingdome rather than they and this I have experienced that as to my receiving Christ upon Gosspel terms there was nothing so hard to me as to lay aside all those qualifications as I have already exprest in my third and fourth notes of experiences Now for the fruits of the spirit what they are is expressed both in general and particular terms in general Ephes 5. 9. the fruits of the spirit is in all goodness righteousness and truth more particularly Gal. 5. 22 23. the fruit of the spirit is Love Joy Peace Long suffering Gentleness Goodness Faith Meekness Temperance c. also there are other things expressed in other terms in Scriptures which doubtless are likewise fruits of the spirit though I think with submission to better Judgements all others are included in these whether it be self denyal patience humility or the like These things are excellent ornaments which do adorn Christians in the eyes of men and do redound much to the glory of God and therefore very considerable for Saints to press after them by all means I must confess that in the viewing of my own heart I have many times been much grieved to see how short I come in all these things but especially in some of them yet through grace I can say I have received a measure of them all and by experience do know if my heart deceive me not wherein I am weak and wherein strong and though I am sure in those in which I am strongest I am but weak considering how I ought to be Now I shall speak a little how and by what means according to my experience and as I judge according to Scripture rule these things do increase or decrease in Saints First I conceive they increase and are strengthened by a close walking with God in all spiritual duties especially private duties meditation self-examination self-watching self-judging self-humbling and prayer which are indeed such duties as no hypocrite can truly do not that these private duties are above publick but that they prepare for publick and by these we are acquainted with our own hearts come to know wherein we are weak and wherin strong what we have received and what we want and so how to apply our selves to God in publick and private for the subduing of such a corruption or for the supply of such or such a grace and this according to my experience as I have walked more or less close with God in these private duties so is my profit in publique duties and my strength in qualifications the habits of grace more or less and I am confident that such persons as are strangers to these private duties are also strangers to their own hearts and will not make any great progress in Christianity for in the omission of these we are subject to be exercised in things contrary which do very much interrupt our communion with God and so weaken the power of every grace in us or rather weaken the power of grace in all its effects for these things are not properly graces but the effects of grace which are various and so improperly call'd graces as when we do not daily humble our selves before the Lord we are subject to exalt our selves before men and when we do not watch our own hearts and judge our selves we are subject to be judging others and to watch over them in an evil way when we do not dayly meditate on those excellent qualifications that were in Christ himself we are subject to see little loveliness in them and so having a light esteem of them not to press after them whereas we are to imitate him in all these things according to Mat. 11. 28 29. But secondly The habits of grace or fruits of the spirit do increase or decrease as we do more or less exercise that measure of them already received and every particular grace is increased by the exercise of it self and so by much exercise I mean by dayly acts they do as it were become natural as it is said of Timotheus Phi. 2. 20. and the exercise of faith doth directly lead us to the fountain of grace in beholding of which glory of God we are changed into the same image 1 Cor. 3. 18. there is such a transforming nature in it that the very beholding of it transforms us into the same likeness Rom. 12. 2. and I can truly say from blessed experience that in the exercise of that measure of grace I have received thus leading me to behold the Lord Jesus in what he hath done for me I have found it more advantagious for the destroying of corruption and for the strengthening me in those things than in any other means whatsoever and the reason why many persons do sit a long time in the profession of truth and yet continue weak ignorant barren and fruitless branches it is because as they are remiss in private duties so they do not exercise that measure of grace received and so by a heedless careless carnall walking the heart grows carnal and their is rather a decrease than increase in all spiritual strength But some will say can any do these things of themselves and doth not God give grace freely both in and after conversion To which I answer yea but in the work of conversion we are passive I mean as to inward spiritual activity we can do nothing being dead according to Ephes 2. 1. 2 Cor. 5. 14. Joh. 5. 25. not excluding those duties which God requires from all as hearing the Gospel reading c. through which God hath promised to convey spiritual life Esay 55. 3. Rom. 10. 17. but after conversion we are active and therefore commanded to keep our selves in the love of God Jude 12. To add to our faith vertue to vertue knowledge c. 2 Pet. 1. 5. with many other such like Scriptures Not that we are sufficient of our selves to do any thing as of our selves but our sufficiis of God 2 Cor. 3. 5. who is pleased to give in
a confusion in my heart that I knew not what to do by which I was again hindered from my duty being willing to try that doctrine I not having heard the like before it being full of entising words of mans wisdome which I did with as much diligence try for some time examining the Scriptures about it as ever I did any doctrine but could find nothing in it but confusion a meer sound of words some of those bigge swelling words of vanity spoken of Jude 16. 2 Pet. 2. 18. so through mercy I left it and escaped that snare which I desire to remember to the praise of God Then I resolved to prosecute my former purpose in relation to those duties before mentioned yet still lingring in Babylon till the Lord was pleased by a stretched-out arm and cleer voice to bring to my remembrance those words in the 22. chapter of the Acts verse 6. Arise and be baptized why tarryest thou and as I remember for some daies together whatever I was doing those words were much in my thoughts then I began to take particular notice of it applying it to my own condition whether I was able to give a reason why I tarried the Lord having removed all my scruples and answered all my objâ—ctions and speaking of it to my Husband who was then much in the same condition I remember we had some discourse about it and the result was that the next first day we would go to the Church where we had often heard and declare what God had done for us in the great work of conversion desiring also to obey him in all his commands which accordingly we did and gave them full satisfaction and the week following were baptized and added to the Church being sweetly satisfyed and comforted therein and as for my former scruples I was troubled no more with them and in particular as to hearing out of the Church I never desired it since but God was pleased and still is to satisfy me with the fatness of his house feeding me with green pastures there and sitting under the shadow of Christ his Fruit is sweet to my tast which the LORD grant I may be found so doing as he hath commanded until his second comming Some brief Observations upon this fourth Note of Experience FIrst Concerning those thoughts that though I had nothing to do to be saved yet I had much to do to glorify God c. from thence I observe That as it is the duty of all that have received the Grace of God to be active for his Glory so it is the nature of Grace to teach and engage Saints to do the same Secondly Concerning my ignorance of Baptism and other Ordinances notwithstanding all my former Experience in point of Faith from thence I observe That persons may have much Experience in point of privilege and yet be ignorant of their duty As indeed we are more apt to learn the one than the other Thirdly Concerning my ignorance of that which is so plainly expressed in Scripture from thence I observe That light discovers darkness and though Truth be never so plainly expressed yet ignorance cannot apprehend it Fourthly Concerning those interruptions and temptations that kept me from my duty from thence I observe That naturally we are so averse to duty that we are a long time before we know our duties and when we know them we are subject to be kept from doing them by very trifles and that it is Satans policy if he cannot keep us from knowing our duties to cast stumbling-blocks in our way if possible to keep us us from doing them 2. I observe That though Christs yoak be easie yet we are hardly brought to put it on Fifthly Concerning the first hinderance That I thought it some Bondage to be in a Church from thence I observe That through ignorance of the nature of Christian Liberty we are too subject to think that Bondage which is not only Liberty but a great Privilege Sixthly Concerning the second hinderance which was the unsuitable walkings of some particular persons then in the Church from thence I observe That the Consideration of our stumbling at the failings of others should make us carefull lest we occasion others to stumble at us Seventhly Concerning the third hinderance That it was our liberty whether we would walk in Churches and submit to Ordinances or not from thence I observe That we are naturally so addicted to liberty that we are many times ready to cast off all obedience and to look on the Ordinances of Christ as indifferent things Eighthly Concerning the fourth hinderance Fearing lest I had not faith enough to suffer for it from thence I observe That distrustfull thoughts of future mercies many times keep us from improving present mercies Ninethly Concerning those Convictions that though I was scrupled about truth yet could not leave it so but endeavoured after full satisfaction from thence I observe That strong Convictions are not easily put out and where grace is predominant there will be an endeavour not to smother but to answer them Tenthly Concerning that other hinderance by strange doctrine from thence I observe That as faith comes by hearing so there may be a hearing that tends to the prejudice of faith And such I conclude is all hearing out of the way of God though some more some lesse I mean publick hearing out of the Church of God and though some do iudge it their liberty and privilege so to do I must needs confess I cannot so iudge For though possibly glorious things may be spoken yet what privilege can it be for Saints to hear glorious things where there is no promise of a blessing from God and therefore I may say as the Apostle of speaking in an unknown tongue I had wrather hear five words from a true Ministery or in a Church of Christ where he hath promised his blessing and presence than five thousand elsewhere though I desire in a personal way to own and embrace all or any appearance of God where ever I find it and can upon that account truly say I do much respect love and delight in some who are not yet come up to the true worship of Christ in his Church but I must be true to my principles I cannot see how we that are according to the Gosspel ioyned to the Lord and his Church by which we hold out to the world a visible profession of his name and a separation from all false waies of worship which in our principles we judge them who are not rightly constituted with us according to the appointment and practice of Christ and his Apostles to be no other I say I cannot see how we can meet with them in their publique worship to hear their Ministers or in any other spiritual duty but it is a crossing our own principles As thus they own themselves true Churches and Ministers of Christ the ignorant world knoweth not but they are so we by our presence being silent do say