one of these coynesses of folly and despisers of vertue lying sick on her Death-bed past all hopes of recovery and do but observe how her Words and Looks are changed and indeed the whole Scene of her Life her Countenance being all shadow'd over with the pale and dismal Colours of Mortality instead of her gay Vermillion paint for all beauty and worldly delights vanish and leave you with your health being like a Sun-Dial only useful whilst the Sun shines on it then you shall find the but naming her rich Diamond Pendants and fine Pearl Necklace her Embroidered Gowns and Costly Points will prove troublesom to her and the sight or smell of her late beloved Dainties will then loath her Stomach nay a visit of her dear Gallant whom she was so fond of and delighted in will be odious to her sight as well as the thoughts of having too much lov'd him will be grievous to her mind Then her Bottles of White-washes or Cosmeticks will be thrown out and filled with showers of penitent Tears for having used them Then her Boxes of Peeter and Patches and all her Ornamental knacks and dresses she was wont every day to wast so much time about and to take so great pastime in to adorn and set out her beauty will only serve to disquiet her thoughts and the Praises of her beauty will only serve to disquiet her thoughts and the Praises of her beauty will be but so many disturbances in her Sickness and she will be then as much troubled to hear them as she was formerly delighted to receive them and proud in the vain thoughts of deserving them In short on her Death bed all her late dearly beloved Vanities will at that time appear her most afflicting Enemies and she will then loudly declare that nothing but a religious Life can produce a Comfortable death and will then tell you that if she were the sole Mistris of all the Riches of both the Indies she would give it all for the blessing of a good Conscience for that never leaves one in Sickness or in Adversity but is still the best of Friends in the worst of Times THE TWELFTH DISCOURSE Useful Advices in order to the vain modish Ladies well Regulating their Beauty and Lives I Humbly beg the vain Ladies pardon for beginning this Discourse so uncivilly as to tell them 't is the Opinion of most sober and observing Men that many of you make but a self-deceiving Calculation in the account of your Christian duties and holy performances by fancying your selves well secured and diligently active in the exercise of Gods Commands and in your obedience to him if you do but rise early enough on Sunday to go to Church in the Morning and can Dine so temperately as not to sleep at the Sermon in the Afternoon and do say a kind of siz'd Prayer like a short Grace of a few customary words rising and going to bed all the week after which perhaps may be said more out of long habit than true devotion How many Ladies are there and those of a good and sober sort as Women go now adays that fancy because they live Chast read the Bible now and then and miss going to Church but seldom who are Charitable to the Poor Loving to their Neighbours true to their Friends good will to all and in love with none unless may be a little with themselves think they perform all Christian duties perfectly and therefore deserve all Mens Praises truly and indeed they would not think amiss if they would be but near as just and exact to God in their daily account of their time to him as they are in creating daily fresh pastimes and pleasures to themselves and that they would measure out their time according to Gospel Precepts instead of imploying it in vain London follies and pastimes which among the modish Ladies are partly these So many hours for Dressing so many hours for receiving and returning Visits so many for the Play and the Park so many hours for Dining at this friends house Supping with that and playing late at Cards at t' others or being at a publick Ball or Dancing at anothers so many hours to sleep a Bed to satisfie Nature so many more to lie a Bed to continue their full Face and good Looks besides hours for going to Court to see new fashions and ransacking Shops to buy new-fashioned Silks and fineries besides other times of vain idleness and prodigality of excess and folly as such a great part of the Year for a pretended Disease or rather diversion at the Bath such a season for an infirmity or recreation at the Wells of Tunbridge or Epsom to raffle away it may be our time and money to be profuse and game at publick Lotteries or to charm or decoy some rich Heir or Gallant for next Winters service and now Ladies when all these mis-spent hours are abstracted out of the twenty four besides other parts of your lives accounted I am afraid you will find so great a consumption and ill management of your time as you do often too sensibly of your Estates and Money and so miserably condole those lost Minutes which you might have employed to better purposes in being soberly modest and pious to have performed the duties of Religion which is the only true pleasure and pastime of the soul And tho some of these divertisements I know are not barely in themselves sinful crimes yet sure they are no better than venial sins by their totally taking up and so intirely devouring of young Womens whole time 1. My first Advice therefore to the vain Ladies is to alter the mispending of their time as now they do to employ it as really as they ought to do which is in preparing to die well rather than striving to live high or look fair and not to fancy they spend their time well among such as they but lose it with for as Seneca says They are idle who might be better employed so such Ladies live in some kind ill that may live in many degrees better Therefore as prudent Men manage and regulate their Estates by dividing it into several proportions so much for House-keeping Servants wages Apparel private expences and the like and so suiting their Income to answer their several Charges according to their ability to perform as their occasions require which necessary Measures because many of the young Estated Men will not observe they steer without a Compass run they know not where spend they know not what and live they know not how extravagantly without ease or order Now Ladies to prevent such an extravagant manner of spending or rather wasting of your time I shall advise you in order to the well managing of it not only to divide it into several hours for that is already done to your hand by many good Clocks and Watches but you must subdivide the hours of the day into so many portions set out for devotion business and pastime according to
weakness in it and then to be sure to attack those weaker parts with his sharp abuses for if a Man has never so many vertues and has but one vice he will be sure to skip them all to fall foul on that one as flies leave the whole body to fasten on the least gawl'd patch for such abusive Wits are like Surgeons who live by others hurts and have nothing to do with those parts that are sound A censorious scoffing Wit is ordinarily composed and made up of such a kind of Stuff as Fire-ships are which serve for no other use and are built and kept for no other purpose than to do mischief the only good in them consists in doing harm so the spirit and quintessence of these Mens ill temper'd venom lies chiefly in abusiveness turning all their Notes to the same Tune that the Philistins did Samsons words only to raise and spend their mirth on though to the prejudice of their dearest Friends and nearest Relations which they had rather lose than their Jest A common Talkative raillier ought by his Trade to be so couragiously stout or rather fool-hardy as not to fear jeering every one and yet indeed the Generality of them are so tame and Cowardly for a generous mind scorns such a base and mean imployment as to endure as he well deserves the slights and contempts of all he plays upon for tho he makes War against the whole Kingdom with his Tongue yet he dares not fight with one Man in it with his Sword and indeed for this he may well pretend some reason which I am sure he cannot for Jeering all Men first because a Sword is much sharper and can wound far deeper than his Tongue and next if he should fight with every Man he raillies and takes the liberty to abuse he must fight more Duels in the Field than ever Captain Bessus received Challenges in the Play but my Gentleman is too wise in his Mirth to expose his body to such a sharp Encounter In a word if you desire to see this fierce Satyrist drawn to the life you need but look on S. George's picture drawn a horseback where he is still holding up his hand but never strikes for he fears danger like a poor-spirited Mortal though he lives as if he thought he should never die This sort of Men that make it their business with their pretending Wit to abuse all Persons all the ill I need say of them for they say enough of themselves is that they take upon them an employment which they must have a great share of Wit to perform well and must much want discretion to undertake at all for at best if they are Masters of any Wit they employ it ill since they do not live so much by their own wit as by others folly I hope now the vain Ladies that are given to Jeering will please to take notice that I have on this Subject used them with the same respect that Tutors do young Princes who when they have committed any great fault instead of whipping them whip their favourite play-fellow for their Fault that the Prince seeing the severe punishment used on their favorite boy may by his Chastisement avoid acting himself the like fault for the future So tho I do not here name the Ladies that are given to this filthy ill-natured vice yet I assure them this Discourse was writ meerly for them and aims only at them as knowing it a Crime that most of them through vanity do affect and truly this base fault of Censuring must needs appear worse in a young Lady than in any other for as a black spot shews the clearer the whiter the skin is that 't is placed upon so sharp raillery and abusive wit appear the more black and foul coming out of the mouth of a beautiful Lady whose words ought to be full of sweetness suitable to her looks And let me tell you this great Truth that our pert Censorious Ladies might in a far shorter time and with much less pains and abundant more content to themselves gain the blessed Title of good Christians than the bad Character of being witty and profane Jesters which can only for a little time give them the applause of some irreligious and ill disposed persons whose praises are really but discommendations Whereas a truly pious and vertuous Lady will still justly deserve and ever constantly receive the true esteem and commendation of godly sober Men in this World besides securing to herself Eternal happiness in the next Therefore if any of our vain Ladies desire to attain this happy state of bliss let me here assure them that their right way to it is wisely and charitably to Judge themselves and not others and instead of Jeering at others defects to mend their own by first repenting of their own immoralities and then being sorry for those that do not the like for theirs for as wise Seneca says He that does good to another does good to himself not only in the Consequence but in the very present act of doing it for the Conscience of well doing is a very pleasant ample reward in it self and therefore I am sure tho it be a very unmodish advice yet 't is a very good Christian doctrin not to undo a Ladies reputation to please your own boundless and extravagant fancy in being admired and thought witty in doing mischief and therefore 't is rather a Christian duty if you see your Neighbour lie under any affliction or live under any imputation of scandal that you are free from to correct your proud and high minded thoughts in fancying that by this you merit so much better than she but rather thank God that he is more merciful to you than her and be still reforming other Womens faults by your own good example rather than continue to inflame them by your sharp invectives and malicious Censures which often create bitter Enemies but seldom make good Friends or better Christians Solomon says Prov. 20.3 It is an honour to avoid strife but every fool will be medling all Ladies ought so to govern their Discourses as to make them civil and obliging not indiscreet and Censorious but to be suited to the time place and company you are in for airy talk and rallying mirth would not agree but look ill at a sad and grave Funeral assembly and so on the other hand an abundance of gravity and reservedness must be very unbecoming as being very unsuitable to a Jovial Wedding-Company met only to feast dance and be merry for then gravity would pass for a kind of dislike as if you censured others jollity We read in Scripture of Tongue Murderers who tho they are bloudless yet are not guiltless and Solomon says That a whisperer separates chief Friends and yet how common is it among our vain young witty Ladies to make defamation their chief talk and whispering of lies against their Neighbours the main Topicks of their Discourse if not the constant entertainment
conflicts and temptations of Conscience which still rack and torture ill Womens minds when they come to die for tho God casts her on her Bed of sickness and pain yet he will be sure to lift her up with the arms of mercy and bless her with the assurance of a perfect state of Bliss after her painful life is ended for tho Death be the wages of Sin yet a Pious death is but the passage to a Heavenly Life And a Religious vertuous Woman at her death will as certainly enter into a state of eternal Felicity as an impious vain and wicked one will into that of deserved misery Solomon says That the fear of God is not only the beginning of wisdom but the end of it for it teacheth you to regulate your desires and purifie your actions as it will make you live well in order to die so So that indeed our good actions concur in their influence towards the happiness of our souls as the Sun does in motion to the Dial the Dial is not the true cause of the Suns motion to it yet by the Suns shining on the Dial you may truly Judge of the true motion of the Sun. But leaving aside that dispute whether good works can only merit Heaven or not as the Papists teach I am sure living a pious vertuous life in the faith of the holy Jesus will certainly carry you there this all Ladies know but few will practise or so much as think of I mean as you ought for you usually defer all thoughts of the other World till you are just parting out of this when alas the time present is only yours for that past is no more and that to come is not yet so that you do but live between them both the present being the only time you can properly call yours for God well knowing what great Prodigals you are of it is so providently merciful as to trust you only with a Minute at a Time for as he gives you one so he still takes away the other as a Lesson of instruction not to rely on any time but the present and to perform all your Christian duties in it as the only time appointed you by God for it And Ladies if you will but employ this present time as you ought you will certainly find time enough in it to enjoy both the delights of this World and to secure you the felicities of the next By this all our vain Ladies may easily know and joyfully conclude that there needs no great difficulty in obtaining Heaven since it only requires as I have told you a strict pious and vertuous life to compass it which may easily be done if you will but spend half so much time in serving your God as you daily wast in looking on your Glass in praying for your Soul as in setting out your Face which must certainly nay perhaps suddenly stink rot and be eaten up by nasty Worms And really supposing there was no such place of Bliss as Heaven for the Godly nor yet of Torment as Hell for the wicked yet a pious vertuous life cannot but be more healthful for the body and more satisfactory to the mind than excess pride and vanity can be to either Next 't is worth your consideration to think how little true content most of you can find in this World and how little time 't is you can enjoy that little you do desire for such considerations cannot but render you somewhat sensible of your great and extravagant folly in all your ludicrous sports and pastimes unskilfully gaming away your souls so as in a manner to set Eternity against a Moment I mean the Momentary pleasures of this life which cannot last before the joys of Heaven which are everlasting and sure there can be nothing more foolish than to rely on the duration of your abode on Earth as any solid and lasting possession there being nothing more frail and tottering than the Basis your life stands on for tho you are never so healthful yet you cannot but find in your self some marks and symptoms of Mortality which may serve as Advertisements of the instability of this your earthly being which is subject to a thousand Diseases and a torrent of Accidents especially in you fine young Ladies whose bodies are so tenderly built and nicely composed as the leaving off a Hood or wanting of a Skarf the least crum of Bread that sticks in your Throats or the smallest stop in the course of your Blood I had almost said or motion of your Tongues puts the whole Oeconomy of your body in disorder if not utter ruin witness as an instance of this accidental mortality Pope Adrian who as story says was choaked with a Flie nay your very food the support and maintainer of your life ought to be a Memorandum of your Mortality since you cannot live without it and if sleep be the Image of death you are by the very necessities of your nature to die every night during the few days you live But whether you live long or die early you must certainly Die and you are in this as well as in all things else to submit your will to Gods and to bend your greatest endeavors and fix your strongest resolutions in an intire obedince to it which if you truly and heartily do you must learn the great vertue and Christian perfection of self-denial and despise all those worldly flatteries and enjoyments mortifie all your excess of vanity and extravagant pleasures that you may become truly amiable pure and holy in the sight of God when you live in compliance to his holy Laws and submit in all things to his good will and pleasure who is all love and beauty itself in the highest measure and perfection and therefore the least spot or impurity in your lives is a direct violence and contradiction to the most excellent nature and being of an infinitely pure and holy God. And now before I quite finish this Discourse let me beg one of you Ladies to suppose your ' self to be in the actual possession of all the worldly pleasures you can fancy that you enjoy as great honours as your ambition can aspire unto and as much Beauty and Riches as your vain and Covetous humor can thirst after and as many rarities as your appetite can wish for and that your Gallant was as kind handsom and constant as you could wish In a word that you thought him as beautiful as you think your self pray do but now consider what all these will amount to at the hour of death and in order to it reflect a little seriously what a weak Basis your life stands on for according to the common Law of the Land a Life is valued but at seven Years purchase and many times by the course of Nature a Life does not last half so long Next if you will but condescend so far to mortifie your self as to go and visit one of these Lovers of vanity and railliers of Religion