and dash't his reines like a dog If any thought by flight to escape he made his head to flie in pieces by the Lambdoidal commissure which is a seame in the hinder part of the scull If any one did scramble up into a tree thinking there to be safe he rent up his perinee and impaled him in at the fundament If any of his old acquaintance happened to cry out Ha Fryar Ihon my friend Fryar Ihon quarter quarter I yield my self to you to you I render my self So thou shalt said he and must whether thou wouldest or no and withal render and yield up thy soul to all the devils in hell then suddenly gave them Dronos that is so many knocks thumps raps dints thwacks and bangs as sufficed to warne Pluto of their coming and dispatch them a going if any was so rash and full of temerity as to resist him to his face then was it he did shew the strength of his muscles for without more ado he did transpierce him by running him in at the breast through the mediastine and the heart Others again he so quashed and bebumped that with a sound bounce under the hollow of their short ribs he overturned their stomachs so that they died immediately to some with a smart souse on the Epigaster he would make their midrif swag then redoubling the blow gave them such a home-push on the navel that he made their puddings to gush out To others through their ballocks he pierced their bum-gut and left not bowel tripe nor intral in their body that had not felt the impetuosity fiercenesse and fury of his violence Beleeve that it was the most horrible spectacle that ever one saw some cried unto Sanct Barbe others to St. George O the holy Lady Nytouch said one the good Sanctesse O our Lady of Succours said another help help others cried Our Lady of Cunaut of Loretta of good tidings on the other side of the water St. Mary over some vowed a pilgrimage to St. Iames and others to the holy handkerchief at Chamberrie which three moneths after that burnt so well in the fire that they could not get one thread of it saved others sent up their vowes to St. Cadouin others to St. Ihon d' Angelie and to St. Eutropius of Xaintes others again invoked St. Mesmes of Chinon St. Martin of Candes S. Clouod of Sinays the holy relicks of Laurezay with a thousand other jolly little Sancts and Santrels Some died without speaking others spoke without dying some died in speaking others spoke in dying Others shouted as loud as they could Confession Confession Confiteor miserere in manus so great was the cry of the wounded that the Prior of the Abbey with all his Monks came forth who when they saw these poor wretches so slain amongst the Vines and wounded to death confessed some of them but whilest the Priests were busied in confessing them the little Monkies ran all to the place where Friar Ihon was and asked him wherein he would be pleased to require their assistance To which he answered that they should cut the throats of those he had thrown down upon the ground They presently leaving their outer habits and cowles upon the railes began to throttle and make an end of those whom he had already crushed Can you tell with what instruments they did it with faire gulliâ—s which are little hulchback't demi-knives the iron toole whereof is two inches long and the wooden-handle one inch thick and three inches in length wherewith the little boyes in our countrey cut ripe walnuts in two while they are yet in the shell and pick out the kernel and they found them very fit for the expediting of that wezand-slitting exploit In the mean time Friar Ihon with his formidable baton of the Crosse got to the breach which the enemies had made and there stood to snatch up those that endeavoured to escape Some of the Monkito's carried the standards banners ensignes guidons and colours into their cells and chambers to make garters of them But when those that had been shriven would have gone out at the gap of the said breach the sturdy Monk quash't and fell'd them down with blowes saying These men have had confession and are penitent soules they have got their absolution and gained the pardons they go into Paradise as streight as a sickle or as the way is to Faye like Crooked-Lane at Eastcheap Thus by his prowesse and valour were discomfited all those of the army that entred into the Closse of the Abbey unto the number of thirteen thousand six hundred twenty and two besides the women and little children which is alwayes to be understood Never did Maâ—gis the Hermite bear himself more valiantly with his bourdon or Pilgrims staffe against the Saracens of whom is written in the Acts of the foure sons of Haymon then did this Monk against his enemies with the staffe of the Crosse. CHAP. XXVIII How Picrochole stormed and took by assault the rock Clermond and of Grangousiers unwillingnesse and aversion from the undertaking of warre WHilest the Monk did thus skirmish as we have said against those which were entred within the Closse Piorochole in great haste passed the ford of Vede a very especial passe with all his souldierie and set upon the rock Clermond where there was made him no resistance at all and because it was already night he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that town and to refresh himself of his pugnative choler In the morning he stormed and took the Bulwarks and Castle which afterwards he fortified with rampiers and furnished with all ammunition requisite intending to make his retreat there if he should happen to be otherwise worsted for it was a strong place both by Art and Nature in regard of the stance and situation of it But let us leave them there and return to our good Gargantua who is at Paris very assiduous and earnest at the study of good letters and athletical exercitations and to the good old man Grangousier his father who after supper warmeth his ballocks by a good clear great fire and waiting upon the broyling of some chestnuts is very serious in drawing scratches on the hearth with a stick burnt at the one end wherewith they did stirre up the fire telling to his wife and the rest of the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times Whilest he was thus employed one of the shepherds which did keep the Vines named Pillot came towards him and to the full related the enormous abuses which were committed and the excessive spoil that was made by Picrochole King of Lerne upon his lands and territories and how he had pillaged wasted and ransacked all the countrey except the inclosure at Sevile which Friar Ihon des entoumeures to his great honour had preserved and that at the same present time the said King was in the rock Clermond and there with great industry and circumspection was strengthening himself and his whole army
scratched a little in the face whilst he was about the cutting of his throat Epistemon who appeared not at all whereat Pantagruel was so aggrieved that he would have killed himself but Panurge said unto him Nay Sir stay a while and we will search for him amongst the dead and finde out the truth of all thus as they went seeking after him they found him stark dead with his head between his armes all bloody Then Eusthenes cried out Ah cruel death hast thou taken from me the perfectest amongst men At which words Pantagruel rose up with the greatest grief that ever any man did see and said to Panurge Ha my friend the prophecy of your two glasses and the javelin staffe was a great deal too deceitful but Panurge answered My dear bullies all weep not one drop more for he being yet all hot I will make him as sound as ever he was in saying this he took the head and held it warme fore-gainst his Codpiece that the winde might not enter into it Eusthenes and Carpalin carried the body to the place where they had banqueted not out of any hope that ever he would recover but that Pantagruel might see it Neverthelesse Panurge gave him very good comfort saying If I do not heale him I will be content to lose my head which is a fooles wager leave off therefore crying and help me Then cleansed he his neck very well with pure white wine and after that took his head and into it synapised some powder of diamerdis which he alwayes carried about him in one of his bags Afterwards he anointed it with I know not what ointment and set it on very just veine against veine sinew against sinew and spondyle against spondyle that he might not be wry-necked for such people he mortally hated this done he gave it round about some fifteen or sixteen stitches with a needle that it might not fall off again then on all sides and every where he put a little ointment on it which he called resuscitatiâ—e Suddenly Epistemon began to breath then opened his eyes yawned sneezed and afterwards let a great houshold fart whereupon Panurge said Now certainly he is healed and therefore gave him to drink a large full glasse of strong white wine with a fugred toast In this fashion was Epistemon finely healed only that he was somewhat hoarse for above three weeks together and had a dry cough of which he could not be rid but by the force of continual drinking and now he began to speak and said that he had seen the divel had spoken with Lucifer familiarly and had been very merry in hell and in the Elysian fields affirming very seriously before them all that the devils were boone companions and merry fellowes but in respect of the damned he said he was very sorry that Panurge had so soon called him back into this world again for said he I took wonderful delight to see them How so said Pantagruel because they do not use them there said Epistemon so badly as you think they do their estate and condition of living is but only changed after a very strange manner for I saw Alexander the great there amending and patching on clowts upon old breeches and stockins whereby he got but a very poor living Xerxes was a Cryer of mustard Romulus a Salter and patcher of patines Numa a nailsmith Tarquin a Porter Piso a clownish swaine Sylla a Ferrie-man Cyrus a Cowheard Themistocles a glasse-maker Epaminondas a maker of Mirrours or Looking-glasses Brutus and Cassius Surveyors or Measurers of land Demosthenes a Vine-dresser Cicero a fire-kindler Fabius a threader of beads Artaxerxes a rope-maker Aeneas a Miller Achilles was a scauld-pated maker of hay-bundles Agamemnon a lick-box Ulysses a hay-mower Nestor a Deer-keeper or Forrester Darius a Gold-finder or Jakes farmer Ancus Martius a ship-trimmer Camillus a foot-post Marcellus a sheller of beans Drusus a taker of money at the doors of play-houses Scipio Africanus a Crier of Lee in a wooden slipper Asdrubal a Lanterne-maker Hannibal a Kettlemaker and seller of eggeshels Priamus a seller of old clouts Lancelot of the lake was a flayer of dead horses All the Knights of the round Table were poore day-labourers employed to rowe over the rivers of Cocytus Phlegeton Styx Acheron and Lethe when my lords the devils had a minde to recreate themselves upon the water as in the like occasion are hired the boat-men at Lions the gondeleers of Venice and oares at London but with this difference that these poor Knights have only for their fare a bob or flirt on the nose and in the evening a morsel of course mouldie bread Trajan was a Fisher of frogs Antoninus a Lackey Commâ—dus a Jeat-maker Pertinax a peeler of wall-nuts Lucullus a maker of rattles and Hawks bells Iustinian a Pedlar Hector a Snap-sauce Scullion Paris was a poore beggar Cambyses a Mule-driver Nero a base blinde fidler or player on that instrument which is called a windbroach Fierabras was his serving-man who did him a thousand mischievous tricks and would make him eat of the brown bread and drink of the turned wine when himself did both eate and drink of the best Iulius Caesar and Pompey were boat-wrights and tighters of ships Valentine and Orson did serve in the stoves of hell and were sweat-rubbers in hot houses Giglan and Govian were poor Swine-herds Iafrey with the great tooth was a tinder-maker and seller of matches Godfrey de bullion a Hood-maker Iason was a Bracelet-maker Don Pietro de Castille a Carrier of Indulgences Morgan a beer-Brewer Huon of Bourdeaux a Hooper of barrels Pyrrhus a Kitchin-Scullion Antiochus a Chimney-sweeper Octavian a Scraper of parchment Nerva a Mariner Pope Iulius was a Crier of pudding pyes but he left off wearing there his great buggerly beard Iohn of Paris was a greaser of boots Arthur of Britain an ungreaser of caps Pierce Forrest a Carrier of fagots Pope Boniface the eighth a Scummer of pots Pope Nicholas the third a Maker of paper Pope Alexander a rat-catcher Pope Sixtus an Anointer of those that have the pox What said Pantagruel have they the pox there too Surely said Epistemon I never saw so many there are there I think above a hundred millions for beleeve that those who have not had the pox in this world must have it in the other Cotsbody said Panurge them am I free for I have been as farre as the hole of Gibraltar reached unto the outmost bounds of Hercules and gathered of the ripest Ogier the Dane was a Furbisher of armour The King Tigranes a mender of thatched houses Galien Restored a taker of Moldwarps The foure sons of Aymon were all tooth-drawers Pope Calixtus was the barber of a womans sineq uo non Pope Urban a bacon-pecker Melusina was a Kitchin drudge-wench Mattabrune a Laundresse Cleopatra a Crier of onions Helene a broker for Chamber-maids Semiramis the Beggars lice-killer Dido did sell mushroms Pentasilea sold cresses Lucretia was an Ale-house keeper
sit Lucianus alter sive sit Cynicus quid hospes adte c. And in another place of his Book Ille ego gallorum gallus democritus illo c. Many learned persons make mention of him in their works Budaeus Master of Requests in his Greek Epistles Iames Aug de Thou President of the Court of Parliament in the 38. Book of his History and in the treaty he composed of his life Peter Ronsard Prince of Poets Theodore Beza in his Poetries Stephen Pasquier in his Enquiries Clement Marot Stephen Dolet Sir Francis Bacon in his Book of augmentation of Sciences Andrew Du Chesne in his Antiquities of France Gabriel Michel de la Roche-Maillet in his lines of illustrious Persons Monsieur de la Croix du Mayne in his Library Anthony du Verdier in his Prosographia Francis Rouchin Doctor in Physick in Montpellier and other Historians named in the Piece called Floretum Philosophicum where there is an ample account of his life and of those have writ of him Particulars of the life and humor of Francis Rabelais HE was born in Chinon a little Town in Touraine his Father was an Apothecary called Thomas Rabelais and owner of the Deanry he was placed young amongst the Monks of the Abbey of Seville of which depends the Deanry where proffiting little his Father sent him to Angiers to study his humanities in the Convent of Bamette where he did not much more than beget the acquaintance of the du Bellay's one of which was since Cardinal where 't is said for some roguâ—ry he was soundly beaten and wounded He lived under the Reign of Francis the first and 't is said that the Chancellor Du Prat having a pick against the Town of Mont-â—ellier caused an arrest to be publisht for the abolishing of the priviledges of the faculty of Physick in that Town Rabelais was thought fit and capable being known to Cardinal Bellay to be deputed to Court to endeavour the revocation of this arrest by the mediation and favour of Monsieur Du Bellay who was a favorite of Francis the first being in Paris and finding no access to the Chancellor he counterfeited himself mad and put on a green Gown and a long gray beard and thus he walkt a good while before the Chancellors house which was then near the great Convent of the Augustins many people and amongst the rest some of the Chancellors domesticks inquiring of him what he was he answered he was the fleaer of Calves and that they that would be first flead must make hast The Chancellor made acquainted with this discourse commanded he should be brought in at dinner time Rabelais being enter'd made a Speech so learned and full of authority that the Chancellor set him at his feet and promis'd him the confirming of the priviledge of Mont-pellier which since was performed in memory of which all Doctors upon their reception wear Rabelais's green gown which is with them in great esteem as 't is well known Cardinal Du Bellay deputed Ambassador to Rome took with him Rabelais in quality of his Physitian 't is usual for Ambassadors to kiss the Pope's toe the Cardinal himself and the rest of his followers having performed the ceremonie Rabelais refused it with a jest Another time the Cardinal with the rest of his family went to beg a largess of the Pope Rabelais requested to make his demand desired his holiness to excommunicate him The demand being thought impertinent was ill relisht but being ask'd the reason why he made it he gave in answer that he was born in a little Town called Chinon very subject to fire and that there had already been burnt many honest men and some of his kindred and if your holiness excommunicated me I should never burn My reason is said he that passing thorough Tarrant in the Cardinals Train where the cold was great and coming to a little Cabin where inhabited a poor old woman we desired her to kindle us a faggot which endeavoring to do she burnt almost all her straw bed and could not light the faggot which made her curse and swear that the fagot was excommunicated by the Popes own mouth since it would not burn These Railleries and freedom he took at Rome forced him to flye into France in a sad equipage without any money and a foot Having reacht to Liens he bethought himself of a stratagem wherein a man less known would have found more danger at the town's end he fill'd a Portmantle with several rags of several colors and coming to an Inn he desired a good Chamber telling his Hostess that though she saw him in so bad an equipage and a foot yet he was able to pay her the best shot she ever received he desired a Chamber remote from company some Boy that could read write and some bread and wine this being granted in the little boy's absence he made up several little bundles or parcels of the Ashes he found in the Chimney the boy being come with pen and ink he made him write upon one poyson for to kill the King upon the second poyson for to kill the Queen and upon the third poyson for to kill the Duke of Orleans and so of the rest of the sons of France fastned the bills upon each of the little bundles and told the boy Child take a care you speak not of this to your Mother or to any body else for both your life and mine is concern'd then put up all in his Portmantle and called for dinner which was brought up Whilst he dined the Child told all to his Mother who transported with fear thought she was obliged to acquaint the Provost therewith by reason of the Pilgrims ill garb and equipage This hapned presently after the Dolphin was poison'd which afflicted all France very much The Provost is advertised he makes slight informations enters Rabelais's Chamber seizes him and his Portmantle his ill Garb the weariness of his journey and the cross answers he made increas'd the suspition he said little else than Take a care of my Portmantle bring me before the King for I have strange things to discover unto him He is presently set on horse-back and dispatch'd for Paris is well entertained by the way and in few dayes he arrives there is brought before the King who knew him the Provost accuses him shewes the Portmantle the several parcels of Ashes Rabelais relates his story takes of the several Ashes before the King all ended in laughter and mirth His Brother or Nephew born likewise at Chinon was an Apothecary and lived at the same Deanry in good esteem and plenty he dyed about the year 1518. left but one Son not witty who dyed in an Hospital after he had spent 20000 liures which he had of Inheritance near the Deanry where grows the best Grape of Chinon and near the Abbey of Seville His death was not unlike his life for he dyed as he lived aged 70 years Cardinal Bellay sent a Page to enquire of
vizor of his helmet on the stump of a great branch of the said tree neverthelesse he set his spurres so fiercely to the horse who was full of mettal and quick on the spurre that he bounded forwards and the Monk going about to ungrapple his vizor let go his hold of the bridle and so hanged by his hand upon the bough whilest his horse stole away from under him By this meanes was the Monk left hanging on the walnut-tree and crying for help murther murther swearing also that he was betrayed Eudemon perceived him first and calling Gargantua said Sir come and see Absalom hanging Gargantua being come considered the countenance of the Monk and in what posture he hanged wherefore he said to Eudemon You were mistakenin comparing him to Absalom for Absalom hung by his haire but this shaveling Monk hangeth by the eares Help me said the Monk in the devils name is this a time for you to prate you seem to me to be like the decretalist Preachers who say that whosoever shall see his neighbour in the danger of death ought upon paine of trisulk excommunication rather choose to admonish him to make his Confession to a Priest and put his conscience in the state of Peace then otherwise to help and relieve him And therefore when I shall see them fallen into a river and ready to be drowned I shall make them a faire long sermon de contemptu mundi fuga seculi and when they are stark dead shall then go to their aide and succour in fishing after them Be quiet said Gymnast and stirre not my minion I am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedome for thou art a pretty little gentle Monachus Monachus in claustro non valet ova duo sed quando est extra bene valet triginta I have seen above five hundred hanged but I never saw any have a better countenance in his dangling and pendilatory swagging truly if I had so good a one I would willingly hang thus all my life-time What said the Monk have you almost done preaching help me in the name of God seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit or by the habit which I wear you shall repent it tempore loco praelibatis Then Gymnast alighted from his horse and climbing up the walnut-tree lifted up the Monk with one hand by the gushets of his armour under the arm-pits and with the other undid his vizor from the stump of the broken branch which done he let him fall to the ground and himself after Assoon as the Monk was down he put off all his armour and threw away one piece after another about the field taking to him-again his staffe of the Crosse remounted up to his horse which Eudemon had caught in his running away Then went they on merrily riding along on the high way CHAP. XLIII How the Scouts and fore-party of Picrochole were met with by Gargantua and how the Monk slew Captain Draw-forth and then was taken prisoner by his enemies PIcrochole at the relation of those who had escaped out of the broile and defeat wherein Tripet was untriped grew very angry that the devils should have so run upon his men and held all that night a counsel of warre at which Rashcalf and Touchfaucet concluded his power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they should come to justle with his forces This Picrochole did not fully beleeve though he doubted not much of it Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Draw-forth for discovering of the countrey the number of sixteen hundred horsemen all well-mounted upon light horses for skirmish and throughly besprinkled with holy water and every one for their field-mark or cognizance had the signe of a starre in his scarf to serve at all adventures in case they should happen to incounter with devils that by the vertue as well of that Gregorian water as of the starres which they wore they might make them disappear and evanish In this equipage they made an excursion upon the countrey till they came near to the Vauguyon which is the valley of Guyon and to the spittle but could never finde any body to speak unto whereupon they returned a little back and took occasion to passe above the aforesaid hospital to try what intelligence they could come by in those parts in which resolution riding on and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherds cottage near to Coudray hitting upon the five Pilgrims they carried them way-bound and manacled as if they had been spies for all the exclamations adjurations and requests that they could make Being come down from thence towards Seville they were heard by Gargantua who said then unto those that were with him Camerades and fellow souldiers we have here met with an encounter and they are ten times in number more then we shall we charge them or no What a devil said the Monk shall we do else Do you esteem men by their number rather then by their valour and prowes With this he cried out Charge devils charge which when the enemies heard they thought certainly that they had been very devils and therefore even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive Draw-forth only excepted who immediately setled his lance on its rest and therewith hit the Monk with all his force on the very middle of his breast but coming against his horrifick frock the point of the iron being with the blow either broke off or blunted it was in matter of execution as if you had struck against an Anvil with a little wax-candle Then did the Monk with his staffe of the Crosse give him such a sturdie thump and whirret betwixt his neck and shoulders upon the Acromion bone that he made him lose both sense and motion and fall down stone dead at his horses feet and seeing the signe of the starre which he wore scarfwayes he said unto Gargantua these men are but Priests which is but the beginning of a Monk by St. Ihon I am a perfect Monk I will kill them to you like flies Then ran he after them at a swift and full gallop till he overtook the reere and felled them down like tree-leaves striking athwart and alongst and every way Gymnast presently asked Gargantua if they should pursue them To whom Gargantua answered by no means for according to right military discipline you must never drive your enemy unto despair for that such a strait doth multiply his force and increase his courage which was before broken and cast down neither is there any better help or outgate of relief for men that are amazed out of heart toiled and spent then to hope for no favour at all How many victories have been taken out of the hands of the Victors by the vanquished when they would not rest satisfied with reason but attempt to put all to the sword and totally
to destroy their enemies without leaving so much as one to carry home newes of the defeat of his fellowes Open therefore unto your enemies all the gates and wayes and make to them a bridge of silver rather then faile that you may be rid of them Yea but said Gymnast they have the Monk Have they the Monk said Gargantua Upon mine honour then it will prove to their cost but to prevent all dangers let us not yet retreat but halt here quietly as in an ambush for I think I do already understand the policie and judgement of our enemies they are truly more directed by chance and meer fortune then by good advice and counsel In the mean while whilest these made a stop under the walnut-trees the Monk pursued on the chase charging all he overtook and giving quarter to none until he met with a trouper who carried behinde him one of the poor Pilgrims and there would have rifled him The Pilgrim in hope of relief at the sight of the Monk cried out Ha my Lord Prior my good friend my Lord Prior save me I beseech you save me which words being heard by those that rode in the van they instantly faced about and seeing there was no body but the Monk that made this great havock slaughter among them they loded him with blows as thick as they use to do an Asse with wood but of all this he felt nothing especially when they struck upon his frock his skin was so hard Then they committed him to two of the Marshals men to keep and looking about saw no body coming against them whereupon they thought that Gergantua and his Party were fled then was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the walnut-trees to meet with them and left the Monk there all alone with his two foresaid men to guard him Gargantua heard the noise and neighing of the horses and said to his men Camerades I hear the track and beating of the enemies horse-feet and withall perceive that some of them come in a troupe and full body against us let us rallie and close here then set forward in order and by this means we shall be able to receive their charge to their losse and our honour CHAP. XLIV How the Monk rid himself of his Keepers and how Picrocholes forlorne hope was defeated THe Monk seeing them break off thus without order conjectured that they were to set upon Gargantua and those that were with him and was wonderfully grieved that he could not succour them then considered he the countenance of the two keepers in whose custody he was who would have willingly runne after the troops to get some booty and plunder and were alwayes looking towards the valley unto which they were going farther he syllogized saying These men are but badly skilled in matters of warre for they have not required my paroll neither have they taken my sword from me suddenly hereafter he drew his brackmard or horsemans sword wherewith he gave the keeper which held him on the right side such a sound slash that he cut clean thorough the jugularie veins and the sphagitid or transparent arteries of the neck with the fore-part of the throat called the gargareon even unto the two Adenes which are throat-kernels and redoubling the blow he opened the spinal marrow betwixt the second and third vertebrae there fell down that keeper stark dead to the ground Then the Monk reining his horse to the left ranne upon the other who seeing his fellow dead and the Monk to have the advantage of him cried with a loud voice Ha my Lord Prior quarter I yeeld my Lord Prior quarter quarter my good friend my Lord Prior and the Monk cried likewise My Lord Posterior my friend my Lord Posterior you shall have it upon your posteriorums Ha said the keeper my Lord Prior my Minion my Gentile Lord Prior I pray God make you an Abbot By the habit said the Monk which I weare I will here make you a Cardinal what do you use to pay ransomes to religious men you shall therefore have by and by a red hat of my giving and the fellow cried Ha my Lord Prior my Lord Prior my Lord Abbot that shall be my Lord Cardinal my Lord all ha ha hes no my Lord Prior my good little Lord the Prior I yeeld render and deliver my self up to you and I deliver thee said the Monk to all the Devils in hell then at one stroak he struck off his head cutting his scalp upon the temple-bones and lifting up in the upper part of the scul the two triangularie bones called sincipital or the two bones bregmatis together with the sagittal commissure or dart-like seame which distinguisheth the right side of the head from the left as also a great part of the coronal or forehead-bone by which terrible blow likewise he cut the two meninges or filmes which inwrap the braine and made a deep wound in the braines two posterior ventricles and the cranium or skull abode hanging upon his shoulders by the skin of the pericranium behinde in forme of a Doctors bonnet black without and red within Thus fell he down also to the ground stark dead And presently the Monk gave his horse the spurre and kept the way that the enemy held who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad high-way and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them as also Gymnast Ponocrates Eudemon and the rest that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense and understanding and as if they had seen the very proper species and forme of death before their eyes or rather as when you see an Asse with a brizze or gad-bee under his taile or flie that stings him run hither and thither without keeping any path or way throwing down his load to the ground breaking his bridle and reines and taking no breath nor rest and no man can tell what ailes him for they see not any thing touch him so fled these people destitute of wit without knowing any cause of flying onely pursued by a panick terror which in their mindes they had conceived The Monk perceiving that their whole intent was to betake themselves to their heels alighted from his horse and got upon a big large rock which was in the way and with his great Brackmard sword laid such load upon those runawayes and with maine strength fetching a compasse with his arme without feigning or sparing flew and overthrew so many that his sword broke in two peces then thought he within himself that he had slaine and killed sufficiently and that the rest should escape to carry newes therefore he took up a battle-axe of those that lay there dead and got upon the rock againe passing his time to see the enemy thus flying and to tumble himself amongst the dead bodies only that he suffered
when the reason hereof was demanded the Chanons of the said place told him that there was no other cause of it but that Pictoribus atque Poetis c. that is to say that Painters and Poets have liberty to paint and devise what they list after their own fancie but he was not satisfied with their answer and said He is not thus painted without a cause and I suspect that at his death there was some wrong done him whereof he requireth his Kinred to take revenge I will enquire further into it and then do what shall be reasonable then he returned not to Poictiers but would take a view of the other Universities of France therefore going to Rochel he took shipping and arrived at Bourdeaux where he found no great exercise only now and then he would see some Marriners and Lightermen a wrestling on the key or strand by the river-side From thence he came to Tholouse where he learned to dance very well and to play with the two-handed sword as the fashion of the Scholars of the said University is to bestir themselves in games whereof they may have their hands full but he stayed not long there when he saw that they did cause bury their Regents alive like red herring saying Now God forbid that I should die this death for I am by nature sufficiently dry already without heating my self any further He went then to Monpellier where he met with the good wives of Mirevaux and good jovial company withal and thought to have set himself to the study of Physick but he considered that that calling was too troublesome and melancholick and that Physicians did smell of glisters like old devils Therefore he resolved he would studie the lawes but seeing that there were but three scauld and one bald-pated Legist in that place he departed from thence and in his way made the Bridge of Gard and the Amphitheater of Neems in lesse then three houres which neverthelesse seems to be a more divine then humane work After that he came to Avignon where he was not above three dayes before he fell in love for the women there take great delight in playing at the close buttock-game because it is Papal ground which his Tutor and Pedagogue Epistemon perceiving he drew him out of that place and brought him to Valence in the Dauphinee where he saw no great matter of recreation only that the Lubbards of the Town did beat the Scholars which so incensed him with anger that when upon a certain very faire Sunday the people being at their publick dancing in the streets and one of the Scholars offering to put himself into the ring to partake of that sport the foresaid lubbardly fellowes would not permit him the admittance into their society He taking the Scholars part so belaboured them with blowes and laid such load upon them that he drove them all before him even to the brink of the river Rhosne and would have there drowned them but that they did squat to the ground and there lay close a full halfe league under the river The hole is to be seen there yet After that he departed from thence and in three strides and one leap came to Angiers where he found himself very well and would have continued there some space but that the plague drove them away So from thence he came to Bourges where he studied a good long time and profited very much in the faculty of the Lawes and would sometimes say that the books of the Civil Law were like unto a wonderfully precious royal and triumphant robe of cloth of gold edged with dirt for in the world are no goodlier books to be seen more ornate nor more eloquent then the texts of the Pandects but the bordering of them that is to say the glosse of Accursius is so scurvie vile base and unsavourie that it is nothing but filthinesse and villany Going from Bourges he came to Orleans where he found store of swaggering Scholars that made him great entertainment at his coming and with whom he learned to play at tennis so well that he was a Master at that game for the Students of the said place make a prime exercise of it and sometimes they carried him unto Cupids houses of commerce in that City termed Islands because of â—heir being most ordinarily environed with other houses and not contiguous to any there to recreate his person at the sport of Poussevant which the wenches of London call the Ferkers in and in As for breaking his head with over-much study he had an especial care not to do it in any case for feare of spoiling his eyes which he the rather observed for that it was told him by one of his Teachers there called Regents that the paine of the eyes was the most hurtful thing of any to the sight for this cause when he one day was made a Licentiate or Graduate in law one of the Scholras of his acquaintance who of learning had not much more then his burthen though in stead of that he could dance very well and play at tennis made the blason and device of the Licentiates in the said University saying So you have in your hand a racket A tennis-ball in your Cod-placket A Pandect law in your Caps tippet And that you have the skill to trip it In a low dance you will b' allow'd The grant of the Licentiates hood CHAP. VI. How Pantagruel met with a Limousin who too affestedly did counterfeit the French Language VPon a certain day I know not when Pantagruel walking after supper with some of his fellow-Students without that gate of the City through which we enter on the rode to Paris encountered with a young spruce-like Scholar that was coming upon the same very way and after they had saluted one another asked him thus My friend from whence comest thou now the Scholar answered him From the alme inclyte and celebrate Academie which is vocitated Lutetia What is the meaning of this said Pantagruel to one of his men It is answered he from Paris Thou comest from Paris then said Pantagruel and how do you spend your time there you my Masters the Students of Paris the Scholar answered We transfretate the Sequan at the dilucul and crepuscul we deambulate by the compites and quadrives of the Urb we despumate the Latial verbocination and like verisimilarie amorabons we captat the benevolence of the omnijugal omniform and omnigenal foeminine sexe upon certain diecules we invisat the Lupanares and in a venerian extase inculcate our veretres into the penitissime recesses of the pudends of these amicabilissim meretricules then do we cauponisate in the meritory taberns of the pineapple the castle the magdalene and the mule goodly vervecine spatules perforaminated with petrocile and if by fortune there be rarity or penury of pecune in our marsupies and that they be exhausted of ferruginean mettal for the shot we dimit our codices and oppugnerat our vestiments whilest we prestolate the coming of
the Tabellaries from the Penates and patriotick Lares to which Pantagruel answered What devillish language is this by the Lord I think thou art some kind of Heretick My Lord no said the Scholar for libentissimally assoon as it illucesceth any minutle slice of the day I demigrate into one of these so well architected minsters and there irrorating my self with faire lustral water I mumble off little parcels of some missick precation of our sacrificuls and submurmurating my horarie precules I elevate and absterge my anime from its nocturnal inquinations I revere the Olympicols I latrially venere the supernal Astripotent I dilige and redame my proxims I observe the decalogical precepts and according to the facultatule of my vires I do not discede from them one late unguicule neverthelesse it is veriforme that because Mammona doth not supergurgitate any thing in my loculs that I am somewhat rare and lent to supererogate the elemosynes to thoseegents that hostially queritate their stipe Prut tut said Pantagruel what doth this foole mean to say I think he is upon the forging of some diabolical tongue and that inchanter-like he would charme us to whom one of his men said Without doubt Sir this fellow would counterfeit the Language of the Parisians but he doth only flay the Latine imagining by so doing that he doth highly Pâ—indarize it in most eloquent termes and strongly conceiteth himself to be therefore a great Oratour in the French because he disdaineth the common manner of speaking to which Pantagruel said Is it true the Scholar answered My worshipful Lord my genie is not apt nate to that which this flagitious Nebulon saith to excoriate the cutule of our vernacular Gallick but viceversally I gnave opere and by vele and rames enite to locupletate it with the Latinicome redundance By G said Pantagruel I will teach you to speak but first come hither and tell me whence thou art To this the Scholar answered The primeval origin of my aves and ataves was indigenarie of the Lemonick regions where requiesceth the corpor of the hagiotat St. Martial I understand thee very well said Pantagruel when all comes to all thou art a Limousin and thou wilt here by the affected speech counterfeit the Parisiens well now come hither I must shew thee a new trick and handsomely give thee the combfeat with this he took him by the throat saying to him Thou flayest the Latine by St. Iohn I will make thee flay the foxe for I will now flay thee alive then began the poor Limousin to cry Haw gwid Maaster haw Lâ—ord my halp and St. Marshaw haw I 'm worried haw my thropple the bean of my cragg is bruck haw for gauads seck lawt my lean Mawster waw waw waw Now said Pantagruel thou speakest naturally and so let him go for the poor Limousin had totally berayed and throughly conshit his breeches which were not deep and large enough but round streat caniond gregs having in the seat a piece like a keelings taile and therefore in French called de chausses à queüe de merlus Then said Pantagruel St. Alipantiu what civette fi to the devil with this Turnepeater as he stinks and so let him go bnt this hug of Pantagruels was such a terrour to him all the dayes of his life and took such deep impression in his fancie that very often distracted with sudden affrightments he would startle and say that Pantagruel held him by the neck besides that it procured him a continual drought and desire to drink so that after some few years he died of the death Roland in plain English called thirst a work of divine vengeance shewing us that which saith the Philosopher and Aulus Gellius that it becometh us to speak according to the common language and that we shonld as said Octavian Augustus strive to shun all strange and unknown termes with as much heedfulnesse and circumspection as Pilots of ships use to avoid the rocks and banks in the sea CHAP. VII How Pantagruel came to Paris and of the choise Books of the Library of St. Victor AFter that Pantagruel had studied very well at Orleans he resolved to see the great University at Paris but before his departure he was informed that there was a huge big bell at St. Anian in the said town of Orleans under the ground which had been there above two hundred and fourteen years for it was so great that they could not by any device get it so much as above the ground although they used all the meanes that are found in Vitruvius de Architectura Albertus de re aedificatoria Euclid Theon Archimedes and Hero de ingeniis for all that was to no purpose wherefore condescending heartily to the humble request of the Citizens and Inhabitants of the said Town he determined to remove it to the tower that was erected for it with that he came to the place where it was and lifted it out of the ground with his little finger as easily as you would havâ— done a Hawks bell or Bell-weathers tingle tangle but before he would carry it to the foresaid tower or steeple appointed for it he would needs make some Musick with it about the Town and ring it alongst all the streets as he carried it in his hand wherewith all the people were very glad but there happened one great inconveniency for with carrying it so and ringing it about the streets all the good Orleans wine turned instantly waxed flat and was spoiled which no body there did perceive till the night following for every man found himself so altered and a dry with drinking these flat wines that they did nothing but spit and that as white as Maltha cotton saying We have of the Pantagruel and our very throats are salted This done he came to Paris with his retinue and at his entry every one came out to see him as you know well enough that the people of Paris is sottish by nature by B. flat and B. sharp and beheld him with great astonishment mixed with no lesse feare that he would carry away the Palace into some other countrey à remotis and farre from them as his father formerly had done the great peal of Bells at our Ladies Church to tie about his Mares neck Now after he had stayed there a pretty space and studied very well in all the seven liberal Arts he said it was a good towne to live in but not to die for that the grave-digging rogues of St. Innocent used in frostie nights to warme their bums with dead mens bones In his abode there he found the Library of St. Victor a very stately and magnifick one especially in some books which were there of which followeth the Repertory and Catalogue Et primò The for Godsake of salvation The Codpiece of the Law The Slipshoe of the Decretals The Pomegranate of vice The Clew-bottom of Theologie The Duster or foxtail-flap of Preachers Composed by Turlupin The churning Ballock of the Valiant The
from his father in manner as followeth Most dear sonne amongst the gifts graces and prerogatives with which the Soveraign Plasmator God Almighty hath endowed and adorned humane Nature at the beginning that seems to me most singular and excellent by which we may in a mortal estate attain to a kinde of immortality and in the course of this transitory life perpetuate our name and seed which is done by a progeny issued from us in the lawful bonds of Matrimony whereby that in some measure is restored unto us which was taken from us by the sin of our first Parents to whom it was said that because they had not obeyed the Commandment of God their Creator they should die and by death should be brought to nought that so stately frame and Plasmature wherein the man at first had been created But by this meanes of seminal propagation which continueth in the children what was lost in the Parents and in the grand-children that which perished in their fathers and so successively until the day of the last judgement when Jesus Christ shall have rendered up to God the Father his Kingdom in a peaceable condition out of all danger and contamination of sin for then shall cease all generations and corruptions and the elements leave off their continual transmutations seeing the so much desired peace shall be attained unto and enjoyed and that all things shall be brought to their end and period and therefore not without just and reasonable cause do I give thanks to God my Saviour and Preserver for that he hath inabled me to see my bald old age reflourish in thy youth for when at his good pleasure who rules and governes all things my soul shall leave this mortal habitation I shall not account my self wholly to die but to passe from one place unto another considering that in and by that I continue in my visible image living in the world visiting and conversing with people of honour and other my good friends as I was wont to do which conversation of mine although it was not without sin because we are all of us trespassers and therefore ought continually to beseech his divine Majesty to blot our transgressions out of his memory yet was it by the help and grace of God without all manner of reproach before men Wherefore if those qualities of the minde but shine in thee wherewith I am endowed as in thee remaineth the perfect image of my body thou wilt be esteemed by all men to be the perfect guardian and treasure of the immortality of our name but if otherwise I shall truly take but small pleasure to see it considering that the lesser part of me which is the body would abide in thee and the best to wit that which is the soule and by which our name continues blessed amongst men would be degenerate and abastardised This I do not speak out of any distrust that I have of thy vertue which I have heretofore already tried but to encourage thee yet more earnestly to proceed from good to better and that which I now write unto thee is not so much that thou shouldest live in this vertuous course as that thou shouldest rejoyce in so living and having lived and cheer up thy self with the like resolution in time to come to the prosecution and accomplishment of which enterprise and generous undertaking thou mayest easily remember how that I have spared nothing but have so helped thee as if I had had no other treasure in this world but to see thee once in my life compleatly well bred and accomplished as well in vertue honesty and valour as in all liberal knowledge and civility and so to leave thee after my death as a mirrour representing the person of me thy father and if not so excellent and such indeed as I do wish thee yet such in my desire But although my deceased father of happy memory Grangousier had bent his best endeavours to make me profit in all perfection and Political knowledge and that my labour and study was fully correspondent to yea went beyond his desire neverthelesse as thou mayest well understand the time then was not so proper and fit for learning as it is at present neither had I plenty of such good Masters as thou hast had for that time was darksome obscured with clouds of ignorance and savouring a little of the infelicity and calamity of the Gothes who had whereever they set footing destroyed all good literature which in my age hath by the divine goodnesse been restored unto its former light and dignity and that with such amendment and increase of the knowledge that now hardly should I be admitted unto the first forme of the little Grammar-school-boyes I say I who in my youthful dayes was and that justly reputed the most learned of that age which I do not speak in vain boasting although I might lawfully do it in writing unto thee in verification whereof thou hast the authority of Marcus Tullius in his book of old age and the sentence of Plutarch in the book intituled how a man may praise himself without envie but to give thee an emulous encouragement to strive yet further Now is it that the mindes of men are qualified with all manner of discipline and the old sciences revived which for many ages were extinct now it is that the learned languages are to their pristine purity restored viz. Greek without which a man may be ashamed to account himself a scholar Hebrew Arabick Chaldaean and Latine Printing likewise is now in use so elegant and so correct that better cannot be imagined although it was found out but in my time by divine inspiration as by a diabolical suggestion on the other side was the invention of Ordnance All the world is full of knowing men of most learned Schoolmasters and vast Libraries and it appears to me as a truth that neither in Plato's time nor Cicero's nor Papinian's there was ever such conveniency for studying as we see at this day there is nor must any adventure henceforward to come in publick or present himself in company that hath not been pretty well polished in the shop of Minerva I see robbers hangmen free-booters tapsters ostlers and such like of the very rubbish of the people more learned now then the Doctors and Preachers were in my time What shall I say the very women and children have aspired to this praise and celestial Manna of good learning yet so it is that in the age I am now of I have been constrained to learn the Greek tongue which I contemned not like Cato but had not the leasure in my younger yeares to attend the study of it and take much delight in the reading of Plutarchs Morals the pleasant Dialogues of Plato the Monuments of Pausanias and the Antiquities of Athenaeus in waiting on the houre wherein God my Creator shall call me and command me to depart from this earth and transitory pilgrimage Wherefore my sonne I admonish thee to