such as had ever in their Mouths God is Merciful and will pardon me How can this be said I that these people should be Damn'd When Condemnation is an Act of Iustice not of Mercy I perceive you are simple quoth the Devil for half these you see here are condemn'd with the Mercy of God in their Mouths And to Explain my self Consider I pray'e how many Sinners are there that go on in their Wayes in spight of Reproof and Good Counsel and still this is their Answer God is Merciful and will not damn a Soul for so small a Matter But let them talk of Mercy as they please so long as they persist in a Wicked Life we are like to have their Company at last By your Argument said I there 's no trusting to Divine Mercy You mistake me quoth the Devil for every good Thought and Work flows from that Mercy But This I say He that perseveres in his Wickedness and makes use of the Name of Mercy only for a Countenance to his Impieties does but Mock the Almighty and has no Title to that Mercy For 't is vain to expect Mercy from above without doing any thing in order to it It properly belongs to the Righteous and the Penitent and they that have the most of it upon the Tongue have commonly the least thought of it in their Hearts And 't is a great Aggravation of Guilt to Sin the more in Confidence of an Abounding Mercy It is True that many are receiv'd to Mercy that are utterly Unworthy of it which is no wonder since No man of himself can deserve it But men are so Negligent of seeking it betimes that they put that off to the last which should have been the first part of their bus'ness and many times their Life is at End before they begin their Repentance I did not think so Damn'd a Doctor could have made so good a Sermon And there I left him I came next to a Noysome Dark hole and there I saw a Company of Dyers all in Dirt and Smoke intermixt with the Devils and so alike that it would have posed the subtlest Inquisitor in Spain to have said which were the Devils and which the Dyers There stood at my Elbow a strange kind of Mungrel Devil begot betwixt a Black and a White with a Head so bestuck with Little Horns that it look't at a Distance like a Hedg-hog I took the Boldness to ask him where they quarter'd the Sodomites the Old Women and the Cuckolds As for the Cuckolds said He they are all over Hell without any Certain Quarter or Station and in Truth 't is no easie matter to know a Cuckold from a Devil for like kind Husbands they wear their Wives favours still and the very same Head-pieces in Hell that they wore living in the world As to the Sodomites we have no more to do with them then needs must but upon all Occasions we either Fly or Face them for if ever we come to give them a Broad-side 'T is ten to one but we get a Hit betwixt Wind and Water and yet we fence with our Tayls as well as we can and they get now and then a Flap o're the Mouth into the Bargain And for the Old women we make them stand off for we take as little pleasure in them as you do And yet the Jades will be persecuting us with their Passions and ye shall have a Bawd of five and fifty do ye all the Gamboles of a Girl of fifteen And yet after all this There 's not an old Woman in Hell for let her be as old as Pauls Bald Blind Toothless Wrinckled Decrepit This is not long of her Age shee 'l tell you but a Terrible Fit of sickness last year that fetch 't off her Hair and brought her so low that she has not yet recover'd her flesh again She lost her Eyes by a Hot Rheum and utterly spoil'd her Teeth with Cracking of Peach-stones and Eating of Sweet-meats when she was a Maid And when the Weight of her Years has almost brought both Ends together 'T is nothing shee 'l tell ye but a Crick she has got in her Back And though she might recover her Youth again by confessing her Age shee 'l never acknowledge it My next encounter was a Number of People making their mone that they had been taken away by sudden Death That 's an Impudent Lye cry'd a Devil saving this Gentleman's presence for no man dyes suddenly Death surprizes no man but gives all men sufficient warning and Notice I was much taken with the Devil's Civility and Discourse which he pursu'd after this manner Do ye complain says He of sudden Death that have carry'd Death about ye ever since you were Born That have been entertain'd with daily Spectacles of Carkasses and Funerals That have heard so many Sermons upon the subject and read so many good Books upon the Frailty of Life and the Certainty of Death Do ye not know that every Moment ye live brings ye nearer to your End Your Cloaths wear out Your Woods and your Houses decay and yet ye look that your Bodies should be Immortal What are the Common Accidents and Diseases of Life but so many warnings to provide your self for a Remove Ye have Death at the Table in your Daily Food and Nourishment for your Life is maintain'd by the Death of â—ther Creatures And you have the â—â—vely picture of it every Night for your Bedfellow With what Face then can you Charge your Misfortunes upon sudden Death that have spent your whole Life both at Bed and at Bord among so many Remembrances of your Mortality No No change your stile and hereafter confess your selves to have been Careless and Incredulous You Dye tâ—inâ—ing you are not to Dye yet and forgetting that Death grows upon you and goes along with ye from one End of your Life to the Other without Distinguishing of Persons or Ages Sex or Quality and whether it finds ye Well or Ill-doing As the Tree falls so it Lies Turning toward my left Hand I saw a great many Souls that were put up in Gally-pots with Assa foetida Galbanum and a Company of Nasty Oyls that served them for Syrrup What a Damn'd stink is here Cry'd I stopping my Nose We are now come undoubtedly to the Devil's house of Office No No said their Tormenter which was a kind of a Yellowish Complexion'd Devil 'T is a Confection of Apothecaries A sort of people that are commonly Damn'd for Compounding the Mediciâ—â—â— by which their Patients hope to be saved To give them their due These are your only True and Chymical Philosophers and worth a thousand of Raymund Lullius Hermes Geber Ruspicella Avicen and their Fellows 'T is true they have written fine things of the Transmutation of Mettals but did they ever make any Gold Or if they did We have lost the Secret Whereas your Apothecaries out of a Little Puddle-water a Bundle of Rotten sticks a Box of Flies Nay
in the Vanity of divers Princes But he that would see it whole and Entire in one subject must go to the Hypocrite who is a kind of a Religious Broker and puts out at five and forty per Cent. the very Sacraments and ten Commandments I am very glad too said I that I have seen Iudgment as I find it here in it's Purity for That which we call Iudgment in the World is a meer Mockery If it were like This men would live otherwise than they do To conclude if it be expected that our Iudges should govern Themselves and Us by This Iudgment the world 's in an ill Case for there 's but little of 't there And to deal plainly as matters are I have no great maw to go home again for 't is better being with the Dead where there 's Iustice then with the Living where there 's None Our next step was into a fair and spacious Plain encompass'd with a huge wall where he that 's once in must never look to come out again Stop here quoth Death for we are now come to my Iudgment-Seat and here it is that I give Audience The Walls were hung with Sighs and Grones Ill-News Fears Doubts and Surprizes Tears did not there avail either the Lover or the Beggar but Grief and Care were without both Measure and Comfort and serv'd as Vermine to gnaw the Hearts of Emperours and Princes feeding upon the Insolent and Ambitious as their proper Nourishment I saw Envy there drest up in a Widdow's Vail and the very Picture of the Governant of one of your Noblemen's Houses She kept a Continual Fast as to the Shambles Preying only upon her self and could not but be a very slender Gentlewoman upon so spare a Diet. Nothing came amiss to her Teeth Good or Bad which made the whole set of them Yellow and Rotten and the reason was that though she bit and set her mark upon the Good and the Sound she could never swallow it Under her sate Discord the Legitimate Issue of her own Bowels She had formerly convers'd much with married people but finding no need of her there away she went to Colleges and Corporations where it seems they had more already than they knew what to do withall and then she betook her self to Courts and Palaces and Officiated there as the Devil's Lieutenant Next to Her was Ingratitude and she out of a certain Paste made up of Pride and Malice was moulding of New Devils I was extreme glad of this Discovery being of Opinion till now that the Vngrateful had been the Devils Themselves because I read that the Angels that fell were made Devils for their Ingratitude To be short the whole Plâ—ce Eccho'd with Rage and Curses What a Devil have we here to do said I does it rain Curses in this Country With that a Death at my Elbow askt me what a Devil I could expect else in a place where there were so many Match-makers Atturneys and Common-Barretters who are a Pack of the most Accursed Wretches in Nature Is there any thing more Common in the World then the Exclamations of Husbands and Wives Oh! that Damn'd Devil of a Pander A heavy Curse upon that Bitch of a Bawd that ever brought us together The Pillory and ten thousand Gibbets to boot take that Pick-pocket Atturney that advised me to this Law-suit hâ—as ruin'd me for ever But pray'e said I what do all these Match-makers and Atturneys here together Do they come for Audience Death was here a little quick upon me and called me Fool for so Impertinent a Qusteiâ—n If thâ—re were no Match-makers said she we should not have the Tenth part of these Skeletons and Desperado's Am not I here the fifth Husband of a woman yet living in the world that hopes to send twice as many more after me and drink Maudlin at the fifteenth Funeral You say well said I as to the business of Match-makers But why so many Petty-foggers I pray'e Nay then I perceive quoth Death now you have a mind to seize me for that Rascally sort of Caterpillers have been my undoing Had not a man better dye by the Common Hangman than by the Hand of an Attorney to be killed by Falsities Quirks Cavils Delays Exceptions Cheats Circumventions Yes yes And it must not be deny'd that these Makers of Matches and Splitters of Causes are the Principal support of this Imperial Throne At these words I rais'd my Eyes and saw Death seated in her Chair of state with abundance of little Deaths crowding about her As the Death of Love of Cold Hunger Fear and Laughter All with their several Ensigns and Devices The Death of Love I perceived had very little Brain and to keep her self in Countenance she kept Company with Pyramus and Thisbe Hero and Leander and some Amadis's and Palmerins d' Oliva all Embalm'd steep'd in good Vinegar and well Dry'd I saw a great many other sorts of Lovers too that were brought in all Appearance to their last Agonies but by the singular Miracle of self-Interest recover'd to the Tune of Will if Looking well won't move her Looking Ill prevail The Death of Cold was attended by a many Prelates Bishops Abbots and other Ecclesiasticks who had neither Wives nor Children nor indeed any body else that cared for them further than for their Fortunes These when they come to a Fit of sickness are Pillag'd even to their sheets and Bedding before ye can say a Pater-noster Nay many times they are stript e're they are Laid and destroy'd for want of Clothes to keep them warm The Death of Hunger was encompassed with a Multitude of Avaritious Misers that were Cording up of Trunks Bolting of Dores and Windows Locking up of Cellars and Garrets and Nailing down of Trap-doors Burying of Pots of Money and starting at every Breath of Wind they heard Their Eyes were ready to drop out of their heads for want of sleep their Mouths and Bellies complaining of their Hands and their Souls turn'd into Gold and Silver the Idols they ador'd The Death of Fear had the most Magnificent Train and Attendance of all the rest being accompanied with a great number of Vsurpers and Tyrants who commonly do Justice upon Themselves for the Injuries they have done to Others Their own Consciences doing the Office of Tormentors and Avenging their Publique Crimes by their Private Sufferings for they live in a perpetual Anguish of Thought with Fears and Jealousies The Death of Laughter was the last of all and surrounded with a Throng of people hasty to Believe and slow to Repent Living without fear of Iustice and Dying without hope of Mercy These are they that pay all their Debts and Duties with a Jest. Bid any of them give every man his Due and Return what he has either Borrow'd or wrongfully taken His Answer is You 'd make a man dye with Laughing Tell him my Friend You are now in years Your dancing dayes are done and your Body is worn out what should such
the multitude had not call'd in others of his Race to the Government which render'd thy fall the very Hydra of the Empire We had had another skirmish upon these words if Lucifer had not commanded Caesar to his Cell again upon pain of Death and there to abide such correction as belong'd to him for slighting the warnings he had of his Disaster Brutus and Cassius too were turn'd over to the politick Fools and the Senators were dispatch'd away to Minos and Rhadamanthus and to sit as Assistants in the Devils Bench. After this I heard a murmuring noise as of people talking at a distance and by degrees I made it out that they were wrangling and disputing still lowder and lowder till at length it was but a word and a blow and the nearer I came the greater was the clamour This made me mend my pace but before I could reach them they were all together by the Ears in a bloudy fray They were persons of great quality all of them as Emperors Magistrates Generals of Armies Lucifer to take up the Quarrel commanded them Peace and Silence and they all obey'd but it vext them to the hearts to be so taken off in the full carriere of their Fury and Revenge The first that open'd his mouth was a fellow so martyr'd with wounds and scars that I took him at first for an indigent Officer but it prov'd to be Clitus as he said himself And one at his Elbow told him he was a saucy Companion for presuming to speak before his time and so desir'd Audience of Lucifer for the high and mighty Alexander the Son of Jupiter and the Emperor and Terror of the World He was going on with his Qualities and Titles but an Officer gave the word Silence and bad Clitus begin which he took very kindly and told his story If it may please your Majesty says he I was the first Favourite of this Emperor who was then Lord of all the known World bare the Title of the King of Kings and Boasted himself for the son of Iupiter Hammon and yet after all this Glory and Conquest he was himself a slave to his Passions He was Rash and Cruel and consequently Incapable either of Counsel or Friendship While I liv'd I was near him and serv'd him faithfully but it seems He did not Entertain me so much for my Fidelity as to augment the Number of his Flatterers But I found my self too honest for a Base Office and still as he ran into any foul Excesses I took a Freedom with all possible Modesty to shew him his Mistakes One day as he was talking slightly of his Father Philip that brave Prince from whom he receiv'd as well his Honour as his Being I told him frankly what I thought of that Ingratitude and Vanity and desired him to treat his Dead Father with more Reverence as a Prince Worthy of Eternal Honour and Respect This Commendation of Philip so enflam'd him that presently he took a Partisan and struck me Dead in the place with his own Hand After this pray'e where was his Divinity when he gave Abdolominus a poor Garden-Weeder the Kingdome of Sidonia which was not as the World would have it out of any Consideration of his Virtue but to Mortify and take down the Pride and Insolence of the Persians Meeting him here just now in Hell I askt him what was become of his Father Iupiter now that he lay so long by 't and whether he were not yet convinc'd that all his Flatterers were a Company of Rascals who with their Incense and Altars would perswade him that He was of Divine Extraction and Heir apparent to the Throne and Thunder of Iupiter This now was the Ground of our Quarrel Invectives apart who but a Tyrant would have put a Loyal Subject to Death only for his Affection and Regards to the Memory of his Dead Father how barbarously did he treat his Favourites Parmenio Philotas Calisthenes Amintas c. so that good or bad is all a case for 't is crime enough to be the Favourite of a Tyrant As in the course of humane life every man dies because he is mortal and the disease is rather the pretext of his death than the cause of it You find now says Satan that Tyrants will shew their people many a Dog-trick when the humour takes them The good they hate for not being wicked and the bad because they are no worse How many Favourites have you ever seen come to a fair and timely end Remember the Emblem of the Sponge and that 's the use that Princes make of their Favourites they let them suck and fill and then squeeze them for their own profit At that word there was heard a lamentable cry and at the same time a venerable old man as pale as if he had no bloud in his veins came up to Lucifer and told him that his Emblem of the Sponge came very pat to his Case For says he I was a great Favourite and a great horder of Treasure a Spaniard by birth the Tutor and Confident of Nero and my name is Seneca Indeed his bounties were to excess he gave me without asking and in taking I was never covetous but obedient It is in the nature of Princes and it befits their quality to be liberal where they take a liking both of Honour and Fortunes and 't is hard for a Subject to refuse without some reflection upon the generosity or discretion of his Master For 't is not the merit or modesty of the Vassal but the glory of the Prince that is in question and he is the best Subject that contributes the most to the splendor and reputation of his Sovereign Nero indeed gave me as much as such a Prince could bestow and I manag'd his liberalities with all the moderation imaginable yet all too little to preserve me from the strokes of envious and malicious tongues which would have it that my philosophizing upon the contempt of the World was nothing else but a meer imposture that with less danger and notice I might feed and entertain my avarice and with the fewer Competitors Finding my credit with my Master declining it stood me upon to provide some way or other for my quiet and to withdraw my self from being the mark of of a publick envy So I went directly to Nero and with all possible respect and humility made him a Present back again of his own â—â—unties The truth is I had so great a pâ—ssion for his service that neither the severity of his Nature nor the debauchery of his Manners could ever deter me from exhorting him to nobler courses and paying him all the duties of a Loyal Subject Especially in cases of cruelty and bloud I laid it perpetually home to his conscience but all to little purpose for he put his mother to death laid the City of Rome in ashes and indeed depopulated the Empire of honest men And this drew on Piso's Conspiracy which was better laid than executed
I Dye then said I No no quoth Death but I 'l take thee Quick along with me For since so many of the Dead have been to visit the Living It is but equal for once that one of the Living should Return a Visit to the Dead Get up then and come along and never hang an Arse for the matter for what you will not do willingly you shall do in spight of your Teeth This put me in a Cold Fit but without more delay up I started and desired leave only to put on my Breeches No no said she no matter for Clothes no body wears them upon this Road wherefore come away naked as you are and you 'l Travel the better So up I got without a word more and follow'd her in such a Terrour and Amazement that I was but in an ill Condition to take a strict account of my Passage yet I remember that upon the way I told her Madam under Correction you are no more like the Deaths that I have seen then an Apple's like an Oyster Our Death is pictur'd with a Scyth in her hand and a Carkass of bones as clean as if the Crows had pick'd it Yes yes said she turning short upon me I know that very well but in the mean time your Designers and Painters are but a Company of Buzzards The Bones you talk of are the Dead or otherwise the miserable Remainders of the Living but let me tell you that you your selves are your own Death and that which you call Death is but the Period of your Life as the first moment of your Birth is the beginning of your Death And effectually ye Dye Living and your Bones are no more then what Death has left and committed to the Grave If this were rightly understood every man would find a Memento Mori or a Death's Head in his own Looking-glass and consider every house with a Family in 't but as a Sepulchre fill'd with Dead Bodies a Truth which you little dream of though within your daily View and Experience Can you imagine a Death elsewhere and not in your selves Believe 't y' are in a shameful mistake for you your selves are Skeletons before ye are aware But Madam under Favour what may all these People be that keep your Ladishâ—p Company and since you are Death as you say how comes it that the Bablers and Make-bates are neerer your Person and more in your Good Graces than the Physicians Why sayes she there are more People Talk'd to Death and dispatcht by Bablers then by all the Pestilential Diseases in the World And then your Make-bates and Medlers kill more then your Physicians though to give the Gentlemen of the Faculty their due they labour night and day for the enlargement of our Empire For you must understand that though distemper'd humours make a man sick 't is the Physician Kills him and looks to be well paid for 't too and 't is fit that every man should live by his Trade so that when a man is askt what such or such a one dy'd of He is not presently to make answer that he dy'd of a Fever Pleurisie the Plague Purples or the like but that He dy'd of the Doctor In one point however I must needs acquit the Physician Ye know that the stile of right Honourable and right Worshipful which waâ— heretofore appropriate onely to Persons of Eminent degree and Quality is now in our days used by all sorts of little people Nay the very Bare-foot Friers that live under Vows of Humility and Mortification are stung with this Itch of Title and Vain-Glory And your ordinary Trades-men as Vintners Taylors Masons and the like must be all drest up forsooth in the Right Worshipful whereas your Physician does not so much Court Honour of Appellation though if it should rain Dignities he might be perswaded happily to venture the wetting but sits down contentedly with the Honour of disposing of your Lives and Moneys without troubling himself about any other sort of Reputation The Entertainment of these Lectures and discourses made the way seem short and Pleasant and we were just now entring into a Place betwixt Light and Dark and of Horrour enough if Death and I had not by this time been very well acquainted Upon one side of the Passage I saw three moving Figures Arm'd and of Humane shape and so alike that I could not say which was which Just Opposite on the other side a Hideous Monster and these Three to One and One to Three in a Fierce and Obstinate Combate Here Death made a stop and facing about askt me if I knew these People Alas No quoth I Heaven be praised I do not and I shall put it in my Litany that I never may Now to see thy Ignorance cry'd Death These are thy old Acquaintance and thou hast hardly kept any other Company since thou wert born Those Three are the World the Flesh and the Devil the Capital Enemies of thy Soul and they are so like one another as well in Quality as Appearance that Effectually whoever has One has All. The Proud and Ambitious man thinks he has got the World but it proves the Devil The Lecher and the Epicure perswade themselves that they have gotten the Flesh and that 's the Devil too and in fine thus it fares with all other kinds of Extravagants But what 's He there said I that appears in so many several shapes and fights against the other three That quoth Death is the Devil of Money who maintains that He himself Alone is Equivalent to them Three and that wherever He comes there 's no need of Them Against the World He argues from their own Confession and Experience for it passes for an Oracle that There 's no World but Money He that 's out of Money 's out of the World Take away a man's Money and take away his Life Money answers All things Against the second Enemy he pleads that Money is the Flesh too witness the Girles and the Ganimedes it procures and maintains And against the Third He urges that there 's nothing to be done without this Devil of Money Love does much but Money does All And Money will make the Pot boyl though the Devil piss in the Fire So that for ought I see quoth I the Devil of Money has the better end of the staffe After this advancing a little further I saw on One hand Iudgment and Hell on the other for so Death called them Upon the sight of Hell making a stop to take a stricter Survey of it Death askt me what it was I look't at I told her it was Hell and I was the more intent upon it because I thought I had seen it somewhere else before She question'd me where I told her that I had seen it in the Corruption and Avarice of Wicked Magistrates In the Pride and Haughtiness of Grandees In the Appetites of the Voluptuous In the lewd Designs of Ruine and Revenge In the Souls of Oppressours and
a Scare-Crow as you are do with a Bed-fellow Give over your Bawdy Haunts for shame and do n't make a man Glory of a Sin when you 're past the Pleasure of it and your self upon all Accompts contemptible into the Bargain This Fellow sayes He would make a man break his heart with Laughing Come come say your Prayers and bethink your self of Eternity you have one Foot in the Grave already and 't is high time to fit your self for the other World Thou wilt absolutely kill me with Laughing I tell thee I 'm as sound as a Roche and I do not Remember that ever I was better in my Life Others there are that let a man advise them upon their Death Beds and even at the last Gasp to send for a Divine or to make some handsome settlement of their Estates Alas Alas they 'l cry I have been as bad as this many a time before and with Falstaffe's Hostess I hope in the Lord there 's no need to think of him yet These men are lost for ever before they can be brought to understand their Danger This Vision wrought strangely upon me and gave me all the Pains and Marques Imaginable of a true Repentance Well said I since so it is that man has but one life allotted him and so many Deaths but one way into the World and so many Millions out of it I will certainly at my Return make it more my Care than it has been to Live with a Good Conscience that I may dye with Comfort These last words were scarce out of my Mouth when the Cryer of the Court with a loud Voice Called out The Dead The Dead Appear the Dead And so immediately I saw the Earth begin to Move and gently opening it self to make way first for Heads and Arms and then by Degrees for the whole Bodies of Men and Women that came out half muffled in their Night-Caps and ranged themselves in excellent Order and with a profound silence Now says Death let every one speak in his Turn And in the instant up comes One of the Dead to my very Beard with so much Fury and Menace in his Face and Action that I would have given him half the Teeth in my Head for a Composition These Devils of the World quoth he what would they be at my Masters cannot a poor Wretch be quiet in his Grave for ye but ye must be Casting your Scorns upon him and charging him with things that upon my Soul he 's as Innocent of as the Child that 's Unborn What hurt has he done any of you ye Scoundrels you to be thus Abused And I beseech you Sir said I under your Favourable Correction who may you be for I confess I have not the Honour either to Know or to understand ye I am quoth he the Unfortunate Tony that has been in his Grave now this many a fair year and yet your wise Worships forsooth have not wit enough to make your Selves and your Company merry but Tony must still be one half of your Entertainment and Discourse When any man plays the Fool or the Extravagant presently He 's a Tony. Who drew this or that Ridiculous Piece Tony. Such or such a one was never well taught No he had a Tony to his Master But let me tell ye He that shall call your Wisdoms to shrift and take a strict accompt of your words and actions will upon the Upshot find you all a Company of Tonys and in Effect the Greater Impertinents As for Instance Did I ever make Ridiculous Wills as you do to oblige others to pray for a man in his Grave that never pray'd for Himself in his Life Did I ever rebell against my Superiors Or was I ever so arrant a Coxcomb as by colouring my Cheeks and Hair to imagine that I could reform Nature and make my Self young again Can ye say that I ever put an Oath to a Lye or broke a solemn Promise as you do every day that goes over your Heads Did I ever enslave my self to money Or on the other side make Ducks and Drakes with it and squander it away in Gaming Revelling and Whoring Did my Wife â—ver wear the Breeches Or did I ever marry at all to be reveng'd of a false Mistress Was I ever so very a fool as to believe any man would be True to me who had betray'd his Friend Or to venture all my Hopes upon the Wheel of Fortune Did I ever envy the Felicity of a Court-life that sells and spends all for a Glance What pleasure did I ever take in the lewd Discourses of Hereticks and Libertines Or did I ever List my self in the party to get the name of a Gifted-Brother Who ever saw me Insolent to my Inferiors or Basely Servile to my betters Did I ever go to a Conjurer or to your Dealers in Nativities and Horoscopes upon any Occasion of Loss or Death Now if you your selves be guilty of all these Fopperies and I innocent I beseech ye where 's the Tony So that you see Tony is not the Tony you take him for But to Crown his other Vertues he is also endued with so large a stock of Patience that whoever needed it had it for the asking Unless it were such as came to borrow money or in Cases of Women that claim'd Marriage of him or Laquais that would be making sport with his Bauble and to These He was as Resolute as Iohn Florio While we were upon this Discourse another of the Dead came marching up to me with a Spanish pace and gravity and giving me a Touch o' the Elbow Look me in the Face quoth he with a stern Countenance and know Sir that you are not now to have to do with a Tony. I beseech your Lordship said I saving your Reverence let me know your Honour that I may pay my Respects accordingly for I must confess I thought all people here had been Hail fellow well met I am call'd quoth he by mortals Queen Dick and whether you know me or not I 'm sure you 'l think of me often enough and if the Devil did not possess ye you would let the Dead alone and content your selves to persecute One Another Ye can't see a High-crown'd Hat a Thred-bare Cloak a Basket-hilt Sword or a Dudgeon Dagger nay not so much as a Reverend Matron well striken in years but presently ye cry This or That 's of the Mode or Date of Queen Dick. If ye were not every Mother's Child of ye stark mad ye would confess that Queen Dick's were Golden-daies to those ye have had since and 't is an easie matter to prove what I say Will ye see a Mother now teaching her Daughter a Lesson of good Government Child says she you know that modesty is the great Ornament of your Sex wherefore be sure when ye come in Company that you don't stand staring the men in the Face as if ye were looking Babies in their Eyes but rather look a little Downward
But the whole Ring presently came in to part us and did me a singular kindness in 't for my Adversary had a Fork and I had none As they were staving and Tayling you might have had more manners cry'd one than to give such Language to your Betters and to call Don Diego Moreno Cuckold And is this That Diego Moreno then said I Rascal that he is to charge me with abusing persons of Honour A Scoundrel said I that 't is a shame for Death to be seen in 's Company and was never fit for any thing in his whole life but to furnish matter for a Farce And that 's my Grievance Gentlemen quoth Don Diego for which with your Leave he shall give me satisfaction I do not stand upon the matter of being a Cuckold for there 's many a Brave fellow lives in Cuckolds-Row But why does he not name others as well as me As if the Horn grew upon no bodies head but mine I 'm sure there are Others that a Thousand times better deserve it I hope he cannot say that ever I gor'd any of my Superiors or that my being Cornuted has rais'd the Price of Post-horns Lanthorns or Pocket-Ink-horns Are not shooing-horns and Knife-handles as cheap now as ever Why must I walk the stage then more than my Neighbours Beyond question there never liv'd a more peaceable Wretch upon the face of the Earth all things consider'd than my self Never was man freer from Ielousy or more careful to step aside at the Time of Visit for I was ever against the spoiling of sport when I could make None my self I confess I was not so charitable to the poor as I might have been The truth of 't is I watcht them as a Cat would do a Mouse for I did not love them But then in Requital I could have out-snorted the seven sleepers when any of the better sort came to have a word in private with my Wife The short on 't is We agreed blessedly well together she and I for I did whatever she would have me and she would say a Thousand and a Thousand times Long live my poor Diego the best Condition'd the most complaisant Husband in the World whatever I do is well done and he never so much as opens his mouth Good or Bad. But by her leave that was little to my Credit and the Jade when she said it was beside the Cushion For many and many a Time have I said This is Well and That 's Ill. When there came any Poets to our house Fidlers or Morrice-Dancers I would say This is not well But when the Rich Merchants came Oh very good would I say This is as well as well can be Sometime we had the hap to be visited by some Pennyless Courtier or Low-Country Officer perchance then should I take her aside and Rattle her to some Tune Sweetheart would I say Pray'e what ha' we to do with these Frippery Fellows and Damme Boyes shake them off I 'd advise ye and take this for a warning But when any came that had to do with the Mint or Chequer and spent freely for lightly come lightly go I marry my Dear quoth I there 's nothing to be lost by keeping such Company And what hurt in all this now Nay on the Contrary my poor Wife enjoy'd her self happily under the Protection of my shadow and being a Femme Couverte not an Officer durst come neer her Why should then this Buffon of a Poetaster make me still the Ridiculous Entertainment of all his Interludes and Farces and the Fool in the Play By your Favour quoth I we are not yet upon even terms And before we part you shall know what 't is to provoke a Poet. If thou wert but now alive I 'd write the to Death as Archilocus did Lycambes And I 'm resolv'd to put the History of thy life in a Satyre as sharp as Vinegar and give it the Name of The Life and Death of Don Diego Moreno It shall go hard quoth he but I 'l prevent That and so We fell to 't again Hand and Foot till at length the very Fancy of a Scuffle wak'd me and I found my self as weary as if it had been a Real Combat I began then to reflect upon the Particulars of my Dream and to Consider what Advantage I might draw from it for the Dead are past fooling and Those are the soundest Counsels which we receive from such as advise us without either Passion or Interest The end of the second Vision THE THIRD VISION OF THE LAST JUDGMENT HOmer makes Iupiter the Author or Inspirer of Dreams especially the Dreams of Princes and Governours and if the matter of them be pious and important And it is likewise the Judgment of the Learned Propertius that Good Dreams come from above have their weight and ought not to be slighted And truly I am much of his mind in the Case of a Dream I had the other Night As I was reading a Discourse touching the End of the World I fell asleep over the Book and Dreamt of The Last Iudgment A thing which in the House of a Poet is scarce admitted so much as in a Dream This Phansie minded me of a Passage in Claudian That all Creatures dream at Night of what they have heard and seen in the Day as the Hound dreams of Hunting the Hare Methought I saw a very handsome Youth towring in the Air and sounding of a Trumpet but the forcing of his Breath did indeed take off much of his Beauty The very Marbles I perceived and the Dead obey'd his Call for in the same moment the Earth began to open and set the Bones at Liberty to seek their Fellows The First that appear'd were Sword-men As Generals of Armies Captains Lieutenants Common-Souldiers who supposing that it had sounded a Charge came out of their Graves methought with the same Briskness and Resolution as if they had been going to an Assault or a Combat The Misers put their Heads out all Pale and Trembling for fear of a Plunder The Cavaliers and Good Fellows believed they had been going to a Horse-Race or a Hunting-match And in fine though they all heard the Trumpet there was not any Creature knew the meaning of it for I could read their Thoughts by their Looks and Gestures After This there appear'd a great many Souls whereof some came up to their Bodies though with much Difficulty and Horrour Others stood wondring at a Distance not daring to come near so hideous and frightful a Spectacle This wanted an Arm That an Eye T'other a Head Upon the whole though I could not but smile at the Prospect of so strange a variety of Figures yet was it not without just matter of Admiration at the All-powerful Providence to see Order drawn out of Confusion and every part restor'd to the right Owner I Dreamt my self then in a Church-Yard and there methought divers that were loth to appear were changing of Heads and an Attorney would
Streets which did not yet hinder but that he had still the Ayr and Appearance of one that deserv'd much Honour and Respect Good Father said I to him why should you envy me my Enjoyments Pray'e let me alone and do not trouble your self with me or my doings You 're past the pleasure of Life your self and can't endure to see other people merry that have the world before them Consider of it you are now upon the point of leaving the world and I am but newly come into 't But 't is the Trick of all Old men to be carping at the Actions of their Iuniors Son said the old man smiling I shall neither hinder nor envy thy Delights but in pure pity I would fain reclaim Thee Do'st thou know the Price of a Day an hour or a Minute Did'st ever examine the value of Time If thou had'st thou would'st employ it better and not cast away so many blessed Opportunities upon Trifles and so Easily and Insensibly part with so inestimable a Treasure What 's become of thy past hours have they made thee a Promise to come back again at a Call when thou hast need of them Or can'st thou show me which way they went No No They are gone without Recovery and in their Flight methinks Time seems to turn his Head and laugh over his shoulder in Derision of those that made no better use of him when they had him Do'st thou not know that all the Minutes of our life are but as so many Links of a Chain that has Death at the End on 't and every Moment brings thee nearer thy Expected End which perchance while the word is speaking may be at thy very door And doubtless at thy rate of Living it will be upon thee before thou art aware How stupid is He that Dyes while he Lives for fear of Dying How wicked is He that Lives as if He should never Dye and only fears Death when he comes to feel it which is too late for comfort either to Body or Soul And He is certainly none of the Wisest that spends all his days in Lewdness and Debauchery without considering that of his whole Life any Minute might have been his last My Good Father said I I am beholding to you for your Excellent Discourses for they have deliver'd me out of the Power of a Thousand Frivolous and Vain Affections that had taken possession of me But who are You I pray'e And what is your Business here My Poverty and These Rags quoth he are enough to tell ye that I am an honest man a Friend to Truth and one that will not be Mealy-Mouth'd when he may speak it to Purpose Some call me the Plain-Dealer Others the Vndeceiver General You see me all in Tatters Wounds Scars Bruises And what is all This but the Requital the World gives me for my Good Counsel and Kind Visits And yet after all this endeavour to get shut of me they call themselves my Friends though they Curse me to the Pit of Hell as soon as ever I come neer them and had rather be hang'd then spend one Quarter of an hour in my Company If thou hast a Mind to see the World I talk of come along with me and I 'l carry thee into a place where thou shalt have a full Prospect of it and without any Inconvenience see all that 's in 't or in the People that dwell in 't and look it through and through What 's the Name of this place quoth I. It is call'd said he The Hypocrites Walk and it crosses the World from one Pole to t'other It is large and Populous for I believe there 's not any man alive but has either a House or a Chamber in 't Some live in 't for altogether Others take it only in Passage for there are Hypocrites of several sorts but all Mortals have more or less a Tang of the Leaven That fellow there in the Corner came but to'ther day from the Plow-Tayl and would now fain be a Gentleman But had not he better pay his Debts and walk alone then break his Promises to keep a Laquay There 's another Rascal that would fain be a Lord and would venture a Voyage to Venice for the Title but that He 's better at building Castles in the Air then upon the Water In the mean time he puts on a Nobleman's Face and Garb he swears and Drinks like a Lord and keeps his Hounds and Whores which 't is fear'd in the end will devour their Master Mark now that piece of Gravity and Form He walks ye see as if he mov'd by Clock-work His words are few and Low He makes all his Answers by a Shrug or a Nod. This is the Hypocrite of a Minister of State who with all his Counterfeit of Wisdom is one of the veriest Noddies in Nature Face about now and mind those Decrepit Sots there that can scarce lift a Leg over a Threshold and yet they must be Dying their Hair Colouring their Beards and playing the young fools again with a Thousand Hobby-horse Tricks and Antick Dresses On the other side Ye have a Compaâ—y of Silly Boys taking upon them to govern the world under a Vizor of Wisdom and Experience What Lord is That said I in the Rich Clothes there and the fine Laces That Lord quoth he is a Taylor in his Holy-day Clothes and if He were now upon his Shop-bord his own Scissers and Needles would hardly know him And you must understand that Hypocrisy is so Epidemical a Disease that it has laid hold of the Trades themselves as well as the Masters The Cobler must be saluted Mr. Translater The Groom names himself Gentleman of the Horse The fellow that carries Guts to the Bears writes One of his Majesty's Officers The Hangman calls himself a Minister of Iustice. The Mountebank an Able man A Common Whore passes for a Courtisan The Bâ—wd acts the Puritan Gaming Ordinaries are call'd Academies and Bawdy-houses Places of Entertainment The Page stiles himself the Child of Honour and the Foot-boy calls himself My Lady's Page And every Pick-Thank names himself a Courtier The Cuckold-maker passes for a Fine Gentleman and the Cuckold himself for the best natur'd Husband in the World And a very Ass commences Master-Doctor Hocus Pocus Tricks are call'd Slight of Hand Lust Friendship Vsury Thrift Cheating is but Gallantry Lying wears the Name of Invention Malice goes for Quickness of Apprehension Cowardice Meekness of Nature and Rashness carryes the Countenance of Valour In fine this is all but Hypocrisy and Knavery in a Disguise for Nothing is call'd by the right Name Now there are beside these certain General Appellations taken up which by long Usage are almost grown into Prescription Every little Whore takes upon her to be a Great Lady Every Gown-man to be a Counseller Every Huffe to be a Soldat Every Gay thing to be a Cavalier Every Parish-Clerk to be a Doctor and Every writing-Clerk in the Office must be call'd Mr
out of Toads Vipers and a Sir Reverence it self will fetch ye Gold ready Minted and fit for the Market which is more then all your Philosophical Projecters ever pretended to There is no Herb so Poysonous let it be Hemlock nor any stone so dry suppose the Pumice it self but they 'l draw silver out of it And then for words 't is Impossible to make up any word out of the four and twenty Letters but they 'l shew ye a Drug or a Plant of the Name and turn the Alphabet into as good Money as any 's in your Pocket Ask them for an Eye-Tooth of a Flying Toad they 'l tell ye yes ye may have of it in powder Or if you had rather have the Infusion of a Tench of the Mountains in a little Eeles Milk 't is all one to them If there be but any Money stirring you shall have what you will though there be to such thing in Nature Sâ— that it looks as if all â—he Plants and stones of the Creation had their several powers and Vertues given them only for the Apothecaries sakes and as if Words themselves had been only made for their Advantage Ye call them Apothecaries but instead of That I pray'e call them Armâ—râ—rs and their Shops Arsenals Are not their Medicines as Certain Death as Swords Daggers or Musquets while their Patients are Purg'd and Blouded into the other World without any regard either to Distemper Measure or Season If you will now see the Pleasantest sight you have seen yet walk up but these two steps and you shall see a Iury or Conspiracy of Barber-Surgeons sitting upon life and Death You must think that any Divertisement there was welcome so that I went up and found it in Truth a very pleasant Spectacle These Barbers were most of them Chain'd by the Middle their Hanâ—s at Liberty and Every one of them a Cittern about his Neck and upon his knees a Chess-board and still as he reach't to have a Touch at the Citteâ—â— the Instrument Vanish't and so did the Chess-board when he thought to have a Game at Draughts which is directly Tantalizing the poor Rogues for a Cittern is as Natural to a Barber as Milk to a Calf Some of them were washing of Asses Brains and putting them in again and scouring of Negroes to make them White When I had laught my Fill at these fooleries my next Discovery was of a great many people Grumbling and Muttering that There was no Body look't after them No not so much as to torment them as if Their Tayls were not as well worth the Toasting as their Neighbours Answer was made that being a kind of Devils themselves they might put in for some sort of Authority in the Place and Execute the Office of Tormenters This made me ask what they were And a Devil told me with Respect that they were a Company of Ungracious Left-handed Wretches that could do Nothing aright And their Grievance was that they were Quarter'd by Themselves but not knowing whether they were Men or No or indeed what else to make of them we did not know how to Match them or in what Company to put them In the world they are look't upon as Ill Omens And let any man meet one of them upon a Journey in a Morning Fasting 't is the same thing as if a Hare had cross't the way upon him He presently turns head in a Discontent and goes to bed again Ye know that Scaevola when he found his Mistake in killing Another for Porsenna the Secretary for the Prince burn't his Right-Hand in Revenge of the Miscarriage Now the severity of the Vengeance was not so much the Maiming or the Cripling of Himself but the Condemning of himself to be for ever Left-handed And so 't is with a Malefactor that suffers Justice The Shame and Punishment does not lye so much in the Loss of his Right-Hand as that the other is Left And it was the Curse of an old Bawd to a fellow that had vex'd her That He might go to the Devil by the stroke of a Left-handed Man If the Poets speak Truth as 't were a Wonder if they should not The Left is the Vnlucky side and there never came any Good from it And for my last argument against these Creatures The Goats and Reprobates stand upon the Left-hand And Left-handed men are in Effect a sort of Creature that 's made to do Mischief Nay whether I should â—all them Men or no I know not Hereupon a Devil becken'd me to come softly to him and so I did without a word speaking or the least Noise in the World Now says he if you 'l see the Daily Exercise of Ill-favour'd Women look through that Lattice-Window And there I saw such a Kennel of Vgly Bitches you would have blest your self Some with their faces so pounced and speckled as if they had been scarify'd and newly past the Cupping-Glass with a world of little Plaisters long round square and briefly cut out into such Variety that it would have posed a good Mathematician to have found out another Figure And you would have sworn that they had been either at Cats-play or Cuffs Others were scraping their faces with pieces of Glass tearing up their Eye-brows by the Roots like Mad And some that had none to tear were fetching out of their black Boxes such as they could get or make Others were powd'ring and curling their false Locks or fast'ning their new Ivory Teeth in the place of their old Ebony Ones Some were Chewing Lemon-pill or Cinamon to countenance a foul Breath And raising themselves upon their Ciopines that their View might be the fairer and their fall the Deeper Others were quarrelling with their Looking-Glasses for shewing them such Hags-faces and cursing the state of Venice for Entertaining no Better workmen Some were stuffing out their Bodies like Pack-saddles to cover secret Deformities And some again had so many Hoods over their faces to conceal the Ruines that I could hardly discern what they were And These past for Penitents Others with their pots of Hogs Grease and Pomatum were sleeking and polishing their faces and indeed their fore-heads were bright and shining though there were neither Suns nor Stars in That Firmament Some there were in Fine that would have fetch 't a man's Guts up at 's mouth to see them with their Masques of After-Births and with their Menstruous Slibber Slobbers dawbing one another to take away the Heats and Bubos Nasty and Abominable I cry'd Well quoth the Devil you see now how far a Woman's Wit and Invention will carry her to her own Destruction I could not speak one word for Astonishment at so horrid a spectacle till I had a little recollected my self and then said I If I may deal freely without Offence I dare Defy all the Devils in Hell to out-do these Women But pray'e let 's be gone for the sight of them makes my very Heart ake Turn about then said the Devil and there was a
When he had gazed a while up he starts of a sudden and wringing his Hands Good Lord says he What an Vnlucky Dog was I If I had come into the World but one half quarter of an hour sooner I had been sav'd for Just then Saturn shifted and Mars was lodg'd in the house of Life One that follow'd him bad his Tormentors be sure he was Dead for says he I am a little doubtful of it my self in regard that I had Iupiter for my Ascendent and Venus in the House of Life and no Malevolent Aspect to cross me So that by the Rules of Astrology I was to live precisely a hundred years and one Two Months Six days four Hours and Three Minutes The next that came up was a Geomancer one that reduced all his Skill to Certain little points and by them would tell you as well things past as to come These points he bestow'd at a Venture among several unequal lines some long others shorter like the Fingers of a Man's Hand and then with a certain Ribble-Rabble of Mysterious Words he proceeds to his Calculation upon Even or Odd and challenges the whole world to allow him the most learned and Infallible of the Trade There were Divers great Masters of the Science that follow'd him As Haly Gerard Bart'lemew of Parma and one Toudin a familiar Friend and Companion of the Great Cornelius Agrippa the famous Conjurer who though he had but one Soul was yet burning in four Bodies I mean the four Damnable Books he left behind him There was Trithemius too with his Polygraphy and Stenography that had Devils now his Belly full though in his Life time his Complaint was that He could never have enough of their Company Over against him was Cardan but they could not set their horses together because of an old Quarrel whether was the more Impudent of the Two And there I saw Misaldus tearing his Beard in Rage to find himself Pumpt dry and that he could not fool on to the End of the Chapter Theophrastus was there too bewailing himself for the Time he had spent at the Alchymists Bellows There was also the Unknown Author of Clavicula Solomonis and The Hundred Kings of Spirits with the Composer of the Book Adversus Omnia pericula Mundi Taysnerus too with his Book of Physiognomy and Chiromancy and He was doubly punish't first for the Fool he was and then for those he had made Though to give the Man his Due He knew himself to be a Cheat and that he that gives a Judgment upon the Lines of a Face takes but a very uncertain aim There were Magicians Necromancers Sorcerers and Enchanters innumerable beside divers private Boxes that were kept for Lords and Ladies and other Personages of great quality that put their trust in these Disciples of the Devil and go to Strand-Bridge or Billeter-Lane for resolution in cases of Death Love or Marriage and now and then to recover a Gold Watch or a Pearl Neck-lace Not far from these were a company of handsome Women that were tormented in the quality of Witches which griev'd my very heart to see it but to comfort me What says a Devil Have you so soon forgot the roguery of these Carrions Have you not had tryal enough yet of them they are the very poyson of life and the only dangerous Magicians that corrupt all our senses and disturb the faculties of your soul these are they that cousen your Eyes with false appearances and set up your wills in opposition to your Vnderstanding and Reason 'T is right said I and now you mind me of it I do very well remember that I have found them so but let 's go on and see the rest I was scarce gone three steps further but I was got into so hideous a dark place that it was e'en a mercy we knew where we were There was first at the entrance Divine Iustice which was most dreadful to behold and a little beyond stood Vice with a countenance of the highest pride and insolence imaginable There was Ingratitude Malice Ignorance obstinate and incorrigible Infidelity brutish and head-strong Disobedience rash and imperious Blasphemy with Garments dipt in bloud Eyes sparkling and a hundred pair of Chops barking at Providence and vomiting rage and poyson I went in I confess with fear and trembling and there I saw all the Sects of Idolaters and Hereticks that ever yet appeared upon the stage of the Universe And at their feet in a glorious array was lascivious Barbara second Wife to the Emperor Sigismund and the Queen of Harlots One that agreed with Messalina in This that Virginity was both a burden and a folly and that in her whole life she was never either wearied or satisfy'd but herein she went beyond her in that she held the mortality as well of the Soul as of the Body but she was now better instructed and burnt like a bundle of Matches Passing forward still I spy'd a fellow in a corner all alone with the flames about his ears gnashing his teeth and blaspheming through fury and despair I askt him what he was and he told me he was Mahomet Why then said I thou art the damn'dest Reprobate in Hell and hast brought more Wretches hither than half the World beside and Lucifer has done well to allot thee a Quarter here by thy self for certainly thou hast well deserv'd the first place in his Dominions But since every man chuses to talk of what he loves I prethee good Imposter tell me What 's the reason that thou hast forbidden Wine to all thy Disciples Oh says he I have made them so drunk with my Alchoran they need no Tipple But why hast thou forbidden them Swines-flesh too said I because says he I would not affront the Iambon for Water upon Gammon would be false Heraldry And beside I never lov'd my people well enough to afford them the pleasure either of the Grape or the Spare-Rib Nay and for fear they should chance to grope out the way to Heaven I have establisht my power and my Dominion by force of Arms without subjecting my Laws to idle disputes and discourses of reason Indeed there is little of Reason in my Precepts and I would have as little in their obedience A world of Disciples I have but I think they follow me more out of appetite than Religion or for the miracles I work I allow them Liberty of Conscience they have as many Women as they please and do what they list provided they meddle not with the Government But look about ye now and you 'l find that there are more Knaves than Mahomet I did so and found my self presently surrounded with a Ring of Hereticks and their Adherents many of which were ready to tear out the Throats of their Leaders One among the rest was beset with a brace of Devils and either of them a pair of Bellows puffing into each ear Fire instead of Air which made him a little hot-headed There was another
for upon the discovery the prime instruments lost their lives and by Divine Providence this Prince was pâ—eserv'd in order as one would have thâ—ught to his repentance and change of life But upon the issue the Conspiracy was prevented and Nero never the better At the same time he put Lucan to death only for being a better Poet than himself And if he gave me my choice what death to die it was rather cruelty than pity for in the very deliberation which death to chuse I suffer'd all even in the terror and apprehension that made me refuse the rest The election I made was to bleed to death in a Bath and I finisht my own dispatches hither where to my further affliction I have again encountred this infamous Prince studying new cruelties and instructing the very Devils themselves in the Art of tormenting At that word Nero advanc'd with his ill-favour'd face and shrill voice It is very well says he for a Princes Favourite or Tutor to be wiser than his Master but let him manage that advantage then with respect and not like a rash and insolent Fool make proclamation presently to the world that he 's the wiser of the two While Seneca kept himself within those bounds I lodg'd him in my bosome and the love I had for that man was the glory of my Government but when he came to publish once what he should have dissembled or conceal'd that it was not Nero but Seneca that rul'd the Empire nothing less than his bloud could make satisfaction for so intolerable a scandal and from that hour I resolv'd his ruine And I had rather suffer what I do a hundred times over than entertain a Favourite that should raise his credit upon my dishonour Whether I have reason on my side or no I appeal to all this Princely Assembly Draw neer I beseech ye as many as are here and speak freely my Royal Brethren Did ye ever suffer any Favourite to scape unpunisht that had the impudence to write I and my King to make a Stale of Majesty and to publish himself a better Statesman than his Master No no they cry'd out all with one voice it never was and never shall be endured while the world lasts For we have left our Successors under an Oath to have a care on 't 'T is true a wise Counsellor at a Prince's elbow is a Treasure and ought to be so esteem'd while he makes it his business to cry up the abilities and justice of his Sovereign but in the instant that his vanity transports him to the contrary away with him to the dogs and down with him for there 's no enduring of it All this cry'd Sejanus does not yet concern me for though I had indeed more brains than Tiberius yet I so order'd it that he had the credit in publick of all my private Advices And so sensible he was of my services that he made me his Partner and Companion in the Empire he caus'd my Statues to be erected and invested them with sacred Privileges Let Sejanus live was the daily cry of the People and in truth my well-being was the joy of the Empire and far and neer there were publick Prayers and Vows offer'd up for my health But what was the end of all when I thought my self surest in my Master's Arms and favour he let me fall nay he threw me down caus'd me to be cut in pieces delivering me up to the fury of a barbarous and enraged Multitude that drag'd me along the Streets and happy was he that could get a piece of my flesh to carry upon a Javelins point in triumph And it had been well if this inhumane cruelty had stopt here but it extended to my poor Children who though unconcern'd in my crimes were yet to partake in my fate A Daughter I had whom the very Law exempted from the stroke of Iustice because of her Virginity but to clear that scruple she was condemn'd first to be ravisht by the Hangman and then to be beheaded and treated as her Father My first failing was upon temerity and pride I would out-run my destiny defie fortune and for Divine Providence I lookt upon it as a ridiculous thing When I was once out of the way I thought doing worse was somewhat in order to being better and then I began to fortifie my self by violence against craft and malice Some were put to death others banisht till in finâ— all the Powers of Heaven and Earth declar'd themselves against me I had recourse to all sorts of ill people and means I had my Physician for poysoning my Assassins for revenge I had my false Witnesses and corrupt Iudges and in truth what Instruments of wickedness had I not And all this not upon choice or inclination but purely out of the necessity of my condition When ever I should come to fall I was sure to be forsaken both of good and bad and therefore I shun'd the better sort as those that would only serve to accuse me but the lewd and vicious I frequented to encrease the number of my Complices and make my party the stronger But after all if Tiberius was a Tyrant I 'le swear he was never so by my advice But on the contrary I have suffer'd more from him for plain dealing and disswading him than the very subjects of his severity have commonly suffer'd by him I know 't is charg'd upon me that I stirr'd him up to cruelty to render him odious and to ingratiate my self to the people But who was his Adviser I pray'e in this butcherly pâ—oceeding against me Oh Lucifer Lucifer you know very well that 〈◊〉 the practice of Tyrants when they do amiss themselves and set their people a grumbling to lay all the blame and punishment too upon the Instrument and hang up the Minister for the Masters fault This is the end of all Favourites cries one Not a half-penny matter if they were all serv'd so says another And every Historian has his saying upon this Catastrophe and sets up a Buoy to warn after-ages of the Rock of Court-favours The greatness of a Favourite I must confess proclaims the greatness of his Maker and the Prince that maintains what he has once rais'd does but justifie the prudence of his own choice and when ever he comes to undo what he has done publishes himself to be light and unconstant and does as good as declare himself even against himself of the Enemies party Up stept Plantian then Severus his Favourite he that was toss'd out of a Garret Window to make the people sport My condition in the World says he was perfectly like that of a Rocket or Fire-work I was carry'd up to a Prodigious Height in a Moment and all peoples Eyes were upon me as a Star of the first Magnitude but my Glory was very short-liv'd and down I fell into Obscurity and Ashes After him appear'd a number of other Favorites and all of them hearkening to Bellisarius the Favorite of
and lay as quiet upon 't as Lambs At length one of the Company that seem'd to have somewhat more Brain and Resolution then his Fellows enter'd very gravely upon the Debate whether they should go out or no. If I should now says he at my Second Birth come into the World a Bastard The shame would be mine though my Parents committed the fault and I should carry the Scandal and the Infamy of it to my Grave Now put Cale my Mother should be honest for that 's not Impossible and that I came into the World Legitimate how many Follies Vices and Diseases are there that run in a Bloud who knows but I should be Mad or Simple Swear Lye Cheat Whore Nay if I came off with a Little Mortification of my Carcass as the Stone the Scurvy or the Noble Pox I were a happy Man But oh the Lodging the Diet and the Cookery that I am to expect for a matter of Nine Months in my Mother's belly and then the Butter and Beer that must be spent to sweeten me when I change my Quarter I must come Crying into the World and live in ignorance even of what Life is till I dye and then as ignorant of Death too till 't is past I Phansy my Swadling-Clouts and Blankets to be worse then my Winding-sheet My Cradle represents my Tomb. And then who knows whether my Nurse shall be sound or No Shee 'l over-lay me perhaps leave me some four and twenty hours it may be without clean Clouts and a Pin or Two all the while perchance up to the Hilts in my back-side And then follows Breeding of Teeth and Worms with all the Gripes and Disorders that are caus'd by Vnwholesome Milk These Miseries are Certain and why should I run them over again If it happen that I pass the state of Infancy without the Pox or Meazils I must be then pack't away to School to get the Itch a Scal'd Head or a pair of Kib'd Heels In Winter 't is ten to one you find me always with a Snotty Nose and perpetually under the Lash if I either miss my Lesson or go late to Shool So that Hang him for my Part that would be born again for any thing I see yet When I come up toward Man the Women will have me as sure as a Gun for they have a Thousand Ginnes and Devices to catch Wood-cocks and if ever I come to set eye upon a Lass that understands Dress and Raillery I 'm gone if there were no more Lads in Christendom But for my part I am as sick as a Dog of Powdering Curling and playing the Lady-bird I would not for all the world be in the Shoomakers stocks and choak my self over again in a streight Doublet only to have the Ladies say Look what a Delicate shape and foot that Gentleman has And I should take as little pleasure to spend six hours of the four and twenty in picking Grey hairs out of my Head or Beard or turning White into Black To stand half ravish't in the contemplation of my own shadow To dress fine and go to Church only to see handsome Ladies To correct the Midnight Air with ardent sighs and Ejaculations and to keep company with Owls and Batts like a Bird of Evil Omen To walk the round of a Mistress lodging and play at Bo-peep at the corner of every street To adore her imperfections or as the song says for her Vgliness and for her want of Coin To make Bracelets of her Locks and truck a Pearl Necklace for a Shoo-string At this rate I say Cursed again and again be he for my part that would live over again so Wretched a Life Being come now to write full Man If I have an Estate how many Cares Suits and Wrangles go along with it If I have None what Murmuring and Regret at my Misfortunes By this Time the Sins of my Youth are gotten into my Bones I grow Sowre and Melancholy Nothing pleases me I curse old Age to Ten thousand Devils and the Youth which I can never recover in my Veins I endeavour to fetch out of the Barber's Shops from Perruques Razors and Patches to conceal or at least disguise all the Marks and Evidences of Nature in her Decay Nay when I shall have never an Eye to see with nor a Tooth left in my head Gowty Legs Wind-mills in my Crown my Nose running like a Tap and Gravel in my Reins by the Bushel then must I make Oath that all this is nothing but mere Accident gotten by Lying in the Field or the like and out-face the Truth in the very Teeth of so many undeniable Witnesses There is no Plague Comparable to this Hypocrisy of the Members To have an Old Fop shake his Heels when he 's ready to fall to pieces and cry These Legs would make a shift yet to play with the best Legs in the Company and then with a lusty Thump on 's Breast fetch ye up a Hem and cry Sound at Heart Boy and a Thousand other Fooleries of the like Nature But all this is Nothing to the Misery of an Old fellow in Love especially if he be put to Gallant it against a Company of Young Gamesters Oh the Inward shame and Vexation to see himself scarce so much as Neglected It happens sometimes times that a Iolly Lady for want of better Entertainment may content her self with one of these Reverend Fornicators instead of a Whetstone but alack alack the poor Man iâ— weak though willing and after a whole Night spent in cold and frivolous Pretences and Excuses away he goes with Torments of Rage and Confusion about him not to be exprest and many a heavy Curse is sent after him for keeping a poor Lady from her Natural Rest to so little purpose How often must I be put to the Blush too when every old Toast shall be calling me Old Acquaintance and telling me Oh Sir 't is many a fair Day since you and I knew one Another first I think 't was in the four and thirtieth of the Queen that we were School-fellows How the World 's alter'd since c. And then must my head be turn'd to a Memento Mori My flesh dissolv'd into Rheums My Skin Wither'd and Wrinkl'd with a staff in my Hand knocking the Earth at every trembling step as if I call'd upon my Grave to receive me walking like a Moving Phantosme my Life little more then a Dream My Reins and Bladder turn'd into a Perfect Quarry and the Vrinal or Piss-pot my whole Study My next heir watching every Minute for the long-look't-for and happy hour of my Departure And in the mean time I 'm become the Physicians Revenue and the Surgeons Practice with an Apothecaries shop in my Guts and every old Iade calling me Grandsire No no I 'l no more Living again I thank ye One Hell rather then two Mothers Let us now consider the Comforts of Life The Humours and the Manners He that would be Rich must play the