one but now you I supply the place Just Why I am a Justice of Peace Sir Col. But you have Honour have you not Sir Just Faith yeâ— a kind of Country honour a Pox of this French honour of Duels and Seconds fighting but they have left it off and we like Fools must continue it but I 'le not deny it I was as good a Back-sword man in my time as any at Grays-Inn I tell you that I have had there many a Venue Col. You are a Man of Honour and I am obliged to you Just Faith I will mow 'em I will have a Leg or an Arm of 'em at least but what shall I do with my hundred pound Enter Footpad in the shape of a poor old Cripple Col. Let the Conqueror take it 't will be the spoil of the field by right of War Footpad I less you sweet Masters one penny to a poor Lazer for charity sake which will gain you Heaven thousands of blessed Acres for the cheap Purchase of a poor earthly transitory Penny Just Get you gone one cannot talk together for this Rascal Footpad Good Gentlemen if not for charity to be rid of me Pox on these lazy Rogues will they never come Sweet-fac'd Gentlemen Right Worshipful Right Honourable and well-beloved Gentlemen spare a penny for the poor vanquish with your bounty my numerous and horrid enemies hunger thirst cold and saving your presence lousiness that makes me itch and scratch for your money bless ye sweet Masters remember the poor Just There a Pox go with ye one can never be quiet for those Beggars Footpad A thousand blessings fall on you for your curses when they come thus attended bless you Masters bless you a plague on those Rogues will they never come what an opportunity shall we lose Col. Yonder I think I see 'em coming Just Let 'em come I fear 'em not i'faith I 'le slash 'em have at a Leg or an Arm I say Col. Ah brave Justice but what will you do with your money Just There 's no body near I think I had best make this poor Cripple hold it he looks as if he were honest Col. If he were not honest he 's alone and a Snail would out-run him Just Come hither poor Fellow Footpad Bless you sweet Master Just You must do me a courtesie Footpad I can do nothing but pray for your sweet Worship Just Take this hundred pound and hold it till I go into the next Close and dispatch a little business Footpad Alas Sir I am a poor man a wretched poor Cripple that walks on wooden Legs a Snail pace with great agony and pain alas any body may take it from me Just No I 'le trust thee with it Footpad 'T is a sign your Worship is weary of your money for the present but I 'le be faithful to your Worships Bag. Aside Now I shall do it without those Rogues Just Come take it man Footpad Oh I shall never hold it wanting my Limbs both Legs and Arms Sir Just Come try Gives him the Bag. Footpad Oh I shall never hold it Falls down with the Bag. Oh oh that ever I was born Oh the pain I suffer Oh the heavy burthen of Riches Col. I never saw such a weak Fellow in my life help him up come give him his Crutches tye it upon his back like a Knapsack They tye it upon him Footpad Oh good your Worship make haste for I am not able to sustain this heavy burthen long Enter Sir John Noddy and Codshead Col. They are come Footpad Pray hear me Gentlemen though I am a poor man I will do nothing behind your backs Oh oh I am faint oh I am weak oh oh I am ready to depart He runs away and leaves his Crutches the Col. and Justice run after the Rogue Just Stop Thief Rogue Dog Col. This is a rare Cripple Codsh Holloa what do you run from us you mighty Colonel oh Cowards hey Cowards Sir John Ay ay they run they yield come let 's be going we have the Victory without fighting prethee let 's go what should we stay for Codsh Hold I think I see them coming back again Sir John The Devil you do a plague on 'em they do come let 's be going they ran from us and that 's enough for our honour Codsh You are my Cousin German and you shall not put up a box on the Ear and a Kick if you do Sir I will cut your throat my self for the honour of my Family Sir John Pox on the honour of my Family for me would I were of another Family Codsh Come bear up and fight well 't is nothing but God take me if you offer to flinch or fight scurvily I will be in the body of you my self Sir John Oh Sir let me tell you under the Rose you have done very ill to train a man out under pretence to walk and then bring him to fight that has no disposition to 't let me tell you that I love to live in peace and quietness with all men well Beati pacifici I say Cousin you are a bloody minded man Codsh Come bear up thou shalt get Honour Enter Justice and Colonel Sir John A Pox of Honour if it cannot be had without venturing ones life for 't I ventured nothing but my money for my Knighthood Just I 'le send a Hue and Cry after him there 's no overtaking him Col. Come Gentlemen did you think we ran from ye Just Run quoth he I 'le have a Leg or an Arm I assure you before I part with you run with a washing blow I will cut off his left Ear. Sir John Oh Lord bless me Cousin a Raven flew over my head and croaked besides the Salt was spilt towards me at dinner to day what shall I do Let 's put it off till a more lucky day Codsh No putting off I tell you Col. Come Gentlemen make ready you shall find we are no Cowards Just Come dispatch I long to be at it come Mr. Codshead I must wait upon you Sir John What a Pox if I must die I had as good die fighting a Devil take 'em for provoking me to this I 'le be the death of one of 'em if I can Enter Footpad and Rogues at a distance Footpad Let 's wait here for the spoil of the field now is the time run in and plunder They fight and olose and tumble down and struggle upon the ground the Rogues come in and take away their Swords 1 Rogue Lye still all of ye or we will stick you to the ground Col. How now Rogues what 's the matter 2 Rogue Such another word and I will cut your throat Sir John Ha I see fighting's nothing but 't is a scurvy thing to be rob'd often it Footpad Come faggot them quickly Just Oh Rogues ha this was the Beggar Footpad Your upper Garments we have but now off with your Breeches we must ease you of the vanity of fine Cloaths 3 Rogue
throw in my Line I will sing too fa la la la fa la. Enter the Constable with Bill-men with Hue and Cry crying Follow follow follow Const How now Fisherman did you see no body here Footpad Alas Sir how can a body see no body Const No Thieves I mean thou Sot Footpad Bless me from Thieves Sir I saw no Thieves Const What dost thou fish for Footpad I am hired for six pence a day Sir and meat and drink Const But for what fish I mean Footpad Why for Gudgeons Sir 1 Billman Fy Mr. Constable a man of your beard and Authority neglect your Hue and Cry thus Const Cry you mercy good Sir Information makes me wiser than my Billmen fare thee well simple Fellow Ex. all but Footpad Footpad Are you gone Noise of follow follow Counter you Puppies you hunt Counter well how did I dwindle before lawful Authority like Holland Veal before the fire Oh guilt 's a strange thing and conscience but nothing troubles my conscience but hanging that raises many scruples Enter Constable and Billmen Oh Heaven they return methinks I smell Hemp already 1 Billman Why will you go back again Const You shall instruct me in my Office shall you I know what I do I ne're saw that Fellow before apprehend that Fellow 2 Billman Oh fy what do you do he 's a poor silly Fellow Const Peace I say first and formost Sir I ask you are not you a Rogue Footpad I a Rogue Sir alas I am a poor man Const Poor man God forbid but a poor man may be a Rogue sometimes as well as a rich man Heaven makes no difference of persons Were not you a Pedler once a singing Pedler hah I have seen that face besides Neighbours I have skill in Physiognomy I served one Mr. Matthew Mattical that lived at a Town call'd Euclid and taught a petty School of A B C there Well answer me were not you a singing Pedler Footpad A plague on the Rascal Aside I Sir I have no voice not so much as for Ballets Const I warrant you you 'l have singing enough to make a shift to be hang'd with Footpad Sir I cannot read Const Nor write I shall come home to him Footpad I can write but one letter for my Name which is T. for Thomas Const I shall come up to you by and by Neighbours this is an equiblicating Rascal for T. stands for Rogue as well as Thomas or else my Learning fails me 1 Billman By 'r Lady Mr. Constable that may be very well Const Then Sir you were a Gypsie afterwards I have heard of your tricks Footpad A Gypsie aside methinks I feel the Noose already What is a Gypsie Const What is a Gypsie why a Gypsie is a a a Gypsie Do you think to stumble Authority you 'l examine me will you 1 Billman A Gypsie steals Poultry and Linen and is born in a far Country where it rains Bacon and Walnuts upon their faces which makes 'em so tawny Const Filly fally will you teach me Geogrecum Mr. Viccar show'd me the place in the Map a place with a little green about it and hard by it the Sea where Heaven bless us a fish spouts out water out of its head but you hinder the proceedings of Justice 2 Billman It was Nilus and Crockadils bless us all Const I know not those foolish words but do not interrupt Authority but then Sir you were a Beggar I can hear of your Rogueries Footpad Death I shall shrink to skin and bones before this Fellow Aside Const Were not you a Beggar answer to that Footpad I was never a rich man not I. Const Ay how cunningly the Rogue answers I shall be with you by and by Then Sir you came like a Souldier Footpad A Souldier's a very honourable Profession they say Const But I would be loth to be alone with your Honour in a narrow Lane for all that and now Sir last of all Sir you are a Fisherman Sir and think that will carry it off Footpad Why Sir there have been very good men Fishermen Const I marry Sir better than you or I would pull off all the heads of my Wife's Apostle-Spoons I tell you that 2 Billman Pray Mr. Constable let him go he 's a poor silly Fellow Const Have patience Neighbours I will apprehend some body that 's certain they 'l say I am idle else in my Office therefore I will apprehend him Footpad Death I shall be hang'd the Assizes too are here now I shall be hang'd presently Aside 1 Billman Good Mr. Constable let him go the next Justice will but laugh at you Const Will he then I 'le laugh at the Justice and so we I be merry in our Offices and there 's an end on 't search him I say search him The Rogue strives a little 1 Billman Hah here 's a little Box hah 't is full of Jewels I think Const Oh is it so you are wise 2 Billman Here 's Plate too in his Trouses come out with it out with it They pull out several pieces of Plate with a Bag of Money Footpad Well I 'm not a man of this world Oh murderous Villain that invented Gallows's Const Now Neighbours who is wise you or I I thought I should hamper him now you see these things are taken about him Ipsum factum we 'l carry him to the Assizes which now sit this is the last day he shall be last condemned and hang'd forthwith who is wise now Neighbours 1 Billman Nay Mr. Constable you are even the luckiest at being wise that ever I knew Footpad Oh damn'd misfortune Oh Rogues I hope you will be hang'd shortly some of ye at least Const Are you angry Sir the Hangman will anger you worse look to the stollen Goods and carry 'em to my Lady some of you go and search for his Comerogues while I with the rest of ye convey him Footpad Oh my curst Stars must this be the end of me Well I have had a merry life though a short one Exeunt omnes ACT V. Enter Lady Isabella and Nan. Isab MAdam since your Jewels and Plate is all restored 't is pity the poor Rogue should be hang'd Lady I hope he will not for the Court is not far off here in the Country this Vacation and I have sent to my Lord my Brother to get a Reprieve for him of the King Nan. If it come not soon he will be hang'd this is Execution day Lady I gave my Man a strict charge to make haste he rides Post how now what would you have Enter James and Margery James Margery and I have a Petition to your Ladiship Lady What 's that Marg. I beseech your Ladiship you would please to let me have our James in lawful Wedlock Lady Is that it are you contented James James Yes Madam I would fain be at I James take thee Margery Lady Why Marriage is honourable James Yes Madam right honourable and please you Lady I have heard strange
of Tortoise shell For your money I will sell Cambrick Lawn as white as milk Taffata as soft as silk Garters rich with silver Roses Rings with moral divine Posies 1 Maid Oh what brave things he has got 2 Maid Peace peace let him troll it away he sings curiously Footpad sings Rainbow-Ribbands of each colour No walking Shop yet e're was fuller Various Points and sev'ral Laces For your Boddies straight embraces Silver Bodkins for your hair Bobs which Maidens love to wear 1 Man Oh this is a rare Fellow I warrant he 's pure Company 2 Man I warrant you he is very ingenious peace Footpad sings Here are various Pick-tooth Cases And the finest Flanders Laces Cabinets for your fine Doxies Stoppers and Tobacco Boxes Crystal Cupids Looking glasses Will enamour all your Lasses Cicely Sure Gervas this is the Kings Pedler he has such rare things about him and he sings like a Nightingal Gervas I believe he 's the Kings Pedler indeed Footpad sings Fine gilt Pray'r Books Catechisms What is Orthodox or Schisms Or for loyal Faith defendant Presbyter or Independent Ballads fresh all singing new And all those Ballets too are true Gervas That 's rare come let 's see ' em 1. Man Let me see 2. Man Stand away let me come Gervas You come stand away you Puppy you have no judgment Cicely Oh pray let Gervas see he has a notable vein this way 1 Maid Ay pray let Gervas see Gervas Oh Ballets fine Ballets Oh I love a Ballet but e'ne too well Heaven forgive me for being so given to the love of Poetry What are the Contents of this for I scorn to read Footpad Marry Sir a most lamentable business Gervas Oh it 's no matter so it be a fine Ditty Cicely Oh I love a melancholy Ditty I can weep at a Ballet so sweetly Footpad Why it is of a Virgin of thirteen or fourteen that dy'd a Maid that 's the truth on 't Gervas Nay I 'le be hang'd then thirteen or fourteen and die a Maid it cannot be now a days 1 Man What a scandalous World this is to abuse a poor Girl so Gervas Ay and after her death too Cicely Methinks they should have more conscience than to speak ill of the dead Gervas First and formost I hope she had more Grace than to die so I speak like a Christian 2 Man If she did die so mercy of her say I that 's charitable I 'm sure Gervas If she did die so let it be a warning to you Maids to shun such abominable ways Cicely I hope it will Gervas be a warning an' we had but Grace 1 Maid Yes we should lay it to heart and take warning 2 Man Look here what fine Ballet's this Footpad This is a very strange Ballet of a lusty Widow Gervas A lusty Widow is no strange thing Footpad Yes a lusty Widow that lives and dies chastly Gervas Is 't possible a lusty Widow live and die chast 2 Man Lord Lord what lying things these Ballets are and to be in print too Footpad All the Parish Hands are to the Certificate to confirm it 2 Man Puh 't was plain malice in 'em to asperse a lusty Widow so Gervas The Parish should have had a lusty young Vicar and he 'd have converted her i'faith Maids have a care for you hope to be Widows have a care I say of dying chast Cicely Well we 'l think on 't but pray let 's see his Ware Gervas How now Cicely you are a Wag have patience and he will shew you all Oh vile Flesh and Blood Oh corrupt Nature to despise the edification of Ballets but what 's this Footpad A Ballet of a Courtier that died rich Gervas That 's a miracle indeed I warrant he cozen'd many a poor body for 't Footpad No Sir he scorn'd to meddle with the poor Gervas That shew'd he had some conscience but Oh Cicely here 's the brave Ballet you and I use to sing I know it by the Picture Cicely Oh pray let 's sing it They sing Gervas To Fayrs and Markets I did go Cicely And I did follow you you know Gervas As I return'd I threw you down Cicely Vpon the Grass Gervas My sweetest Lass And so did give you a green Gown Cicely But if it chance my Belly swell Gervas Then will Marriage hide it well Cicely Your Son and Heir or Daughter fair If you 'l not stay Gervas But run away Is left unto the Parish care Enter a Servant in haste Serv. Oh Sirs my Lady wants ye there are a great sort of strangers that are to come to dine here and none of ye in the way to receive Orders come away 1 Man Come honest Pedler up with your Pack and follow us we 'l make you welcome i'faith Gervas We 'l buy all his Trinkets to the last Jet Ring or inch of Incle we 'l hamper him i'faith we 'l leave him nothing Footpad Bless you bless you till I complain 1 Man Nay Gervas you shall go with us and these Maids too come along Cicely Ay good Gervas let 's follow the Pedler Exeunt omnes SCENE II. The Garden Lady Haughty Isabella her Kinswoman Nan her Waiting Gentlewoman Lady Well Nan have you given order to all the Servants to be ready and to mind their business Nan. I have Madam Lady And whom shall I be troubled with to day what Suitors what Guests Nan. Sir John Noddy Madam has sent word he 'l wait on you Oh he 's the finest merry Gentleman Lady Oh do you name him first my Woman is my Rival Cousin there she is a well-wisher to that Knight therefore we must speak well of that Coxcomb before her but who else dines here Nan. Justice Spoilwit then Colonel Bounce Lady Worthy men indeed we have a Coxcomb that lies in the house too Mr. Codshead I think he will not be answered with his Friend and Governor Mr. Crambo a Heroick Poet. Isab Your Ladiships House I think is the Exchange for Suitors the Dining-room is always full of Lovers of you and the Hall always full of eating Parsons and other Lovers of lusty Dinners but Madam every body wonders that your Ladiship keeps open House to all Suitors and yet denies 'em every one their Suit of Love Lady I have answer'd most of the men of sense but the turbulent Fools will still pester me how I despise the little follies of Mankind the little subtilties they think to intrap a Woman with too cheap to cozen Babies with I will triumph over all the overweening Fools and still preserve the freedom of a Widow Isab Your Ladiship is in the right for Marriage now enslaves the Wife but sets the Husband free Nan. But methinks solitary Widowhood is but an uncomfortable condition can no man be fit for your choice Lady None Nan. What says your Ladiship to a Souldier Lady Oh he 's too boisterous I shall have no conversation from him I shall hear of nothing but Naseby Edgehill the first and
Rogue but by my Patent Footpad Why thou would'st have money enough to overcome the Grand Signior thou unconscionable Fellow 1 Rogue Faith I love to wish to the purpose but let 's in Footpad Come on but remember still that thieving is a more profitable Roguery than fidling and therefore be sure to keep thy hand in ure 1 Rogue Shall I ever live to have it said of me that my right hand forgot to steal no no never may I live to see that day Footpad Nobly spoke and like a Roman Thief I mean but here come the Ladies let 's in Exeunt Enter Lady Haughty Isabella and Nan. Lady Ha Cousin I am afraid this victorious Colonel has overcome you Isab Not so Madam but he appears the better for being amongst the Fools here Lady That 's true but prethee dissemble not with me for I find this blustring Souldier has storm'd your heart Isab My heart Madam why should you imagine it Lady 'T is so no more I 'le endeavour to mollifie this Dub a Dub this tempestuous Colonel for you Isab I beseech you Madam don't believe this of me Aside And yet to say truth I begin to believe it of my self I would I had not seen him Lady He seems to be a good honest rough Fellow and may make a good Husband here 's Nan is such an arrant Lover of Sir John Noddy she 's mawdlin for him Nan. Madam I neither can nor will dissemble he 's is so fine a witty facetious person no body needs be ashamed of him and the handsomest Gentleman upon earth Lady Come I 'le endeavour to oblige ye both come on Gentlemen you are come to take the Air. Enter Sir John Justice and Colonel Sir John No Madam I am come to take something else Lady What 's that Sir John Sir John Your heart Madam ha ha ha that was well Lady You won't rob me will you Just Prethee stand by you take her heart My bucksom Lady I am come to you An ancient Justice that in Love does sue To draw with you in that most happy yoke Of Wedlock and you 'l find him heart of Oke I know your humor 's pleasant gay and merry And so is mine you 'l find with a hey down derry Lady You 're a very merry Justice though not in your prime You have been a Spark I warrant you in your time And Sir you 're heartily welcome in Rime There 's Poetry for your Poetry Just Ha ha very good i'faith was a Spark I am still so and as merry a Fellow as any of the Quorum i'faith Sir John If mirth will please you if I make you not merry I 'le lose my Knighthood that cost me five hundred pound Why I make every body die with laughing that I keep company withal ask my Lord my Neighbour on my conscience and soul I shall be the death of him for one Lady Then 't will be dangerous venturing upon you I shall be in fear of my life for you Col. blustring up to her Stand by who is it that dares pretend to this Lady while I am present hah Sir John The Colonel 's mad he looks as if he would eat one Just Fair Lady I 'le withdraw my Suit must cease When War appears no Justice of the Peace Lady No stay what will you quit me so what are you Sir what would you have Col. I am a Souldier and to speak plain English I am for you which way you will any way in the world Lady As how good boisterous Sir you mean to make Love as they make War with Fire and Sword Col. Faith Madam I would lie with you and not marry you or marry you and not lie with you or lie with you and then marry you or marry you and then lie with you or neither marry you nor lie with you chuse which and take your course Lady Why you are all Gun-powder would you blow up a poor Widow at first Isab Did not I tell you he was a pleasant man Madam Lady I see you love War Cousin and have a mind to folow the Camp Col. Why look you in short you are a very merry Widow and I am a merry Souldier if you like me so faith make no more words on 't here 's my hand Lady and there 's an end on 't Lady But what if I do not like you Noble Colonel Col. Why then so I hope a man may keep a poor little thing of his own as the world goes when the worst comes to the worst and that will offend no body Lady Good Colonel let me be a little free with you Col. Take your course Lady Have not you been advised by some experienced frail Matron that a Widow is to be won with huffing and blustring Col. I am my own Counsellor God ye are most of you too cunning to be won by Stratagem and you must be carried by storm Lady You are a mad Colonel and I like you the better for it I hate the common Road of Woing in the Dunstable High-way of Matrimony I love to be woed fantastically but let 's see what you can do for me now Do you shew your parts and these Gentlemen shall shew theirs that I may chuse discreetly Col. What a Pox Madam do you take me for your Dog your Spaniel to fetch and carry and shew tricks for you Lady Good Mr. Mars be not so passionate Col. Ounds Madam do you think to rank me with Coxcombs Sir John Who the Devil does he call Coxcomb a Knight a Coxcomb that 's impossible Just I'faith if I thought he meant me I 'de bind him to the good Behavior a Justice a Coxcomb that were a good one i'faith Col. Death Madam I am not to be used thus Lady Then good Sir leave me to those that will be used so I will divert my self here pray take you a Walk with my Cousin in the mean time and see if she will use you better Col. With all my heart Madam give me leave to wait upon you since she 's no better company Ex. Col. and Isabella Lady Come let me see what good qualities you have give me leave to sit and judge betwixt you that I may chuse discreetly a Chair in the first place he that I marry must sing well that 's certain Sir John Oh Pox if singing will do I 'le fit you to a hair i'faith Just If I ever fail you in that Madam Lady Come on Justice and begin Just Hem will you hear how a Spanish Lady wooed an English Man Garments gay as rich as may be Deck't with Jewels had she on Lady Good Justice some other I like not that so well Sir John Ha ha ha I thought how he 'd please her Just Now I shall fit you When as King Henry govern'd the Land The second of that Name Besides his Queen he dearly lov'd A fair and Princely Dame Most parlous was her Beauty found Her favour and her face A sweeter Creature in this World Did never Prince
embrace Her crisped Locks like Threads of Gold Appear to each mans sight Her comely Eyes like Orient Pearls Did cast a heavenly light Lady Well done Justice there 's enough at once now Sir John try you Sir John His is a foolish old fashion'd Song Madam but mine 's of the new cast I dote I dote but am a Sot to show it I was a very Fool to let her know it For now she doth so cunning grow She proves a friend worse than a foe She 'l neither hold me fast nor let me go She tells me I cannot forsake her When straight I endeavour to leave her She to make me stay Throws a kiss in my way Oh then I could tarry for ever Lady Very well on both sides Sir John But you shall hear what he says to her 't is fine fine very fine But good Madam Fickle be faithful And leave off your damnable dodging Either love me or leave me And do not deceive me But let me go home to my Lodging De ' see Madam God that was smart Just That smart fy your old Songs are better by half they are more passionate There was a rich Merchant man That was both grave and wise He kil'd a man in Athens Town Great quarrels there did arise Oh a sweet thing is Love It rules both heart and mind There is no comfort in this World To Women that are kind Just I think that was a good Trillo Madam Lady Very good Sir John Madam hear but one Song of mine and if I do not put him down Oh my dear pretty Soul How thy black Eyes do rowl And rule without controul My poor Heart How can my dear Jewel Be to it so cruel When she can see well His great smart Nan. Oh Madam he 's the finest Gentleman in the World I shall die with looking on him Sir John 'T is very passionate and fine Madam Lady 'T is very well indeed but the next thing I must make trial of must be of your Dancing for I must have a Husband courtly and well bred Just If I do not fit you for that may I never examine Malefactor more why I was a Reveller at Grayes-Inn in my youth Madam Sir John Begin I fear you not Just Here 's no Musick but I 'le sing to my Dancing He dances ridiculously Lady Very well admirable well Sir John Come I 'le dance the Miâ—outes you do not know what that is Justice ha ha ha Just Pox on your French kickshaw Dances I love your true Derby-shire Horn-pipe Sir John dances and sings to it Codshead and two or three more bring in Crambo sick upon a Chair Codsh Come bring him hither for fresh Air this is a shrewd Fit pray Heaven it does not carry him away Cramb. Oh oh Spleen I am sick sick Lady What 's the matter Codsh Oh Madam here 's the Poet so sick the Dev Oh he was in his Chamber writing he fell into Raptures Ecstasies Furies heated and swell'd and big with Muse and cannot be delivered Just Fetch a Midwife for him ha ha ha Lady Nan fetch down some Cordial-water can he not speak Mr. Crambo Cramb. Oh oh Fumes Fumes Sir John Death he 'l sound tweak him by the Nose box him on the Ears let me come Codsh Hold Cousin forbear Enter the Colonel and Isabella hastily Lady Oh here 's Mr. Crambo in a Fit of Poetry as bad as a Fit of the Mother Nan. Here 's the Cordial Madam burn some Partridge-feathers under his Nose Col. Pox is this all nothing but a Poet sick Lady I see blockheaded Souldiers make nothing of a Poet. Enter Footpad and 1 Rogue Footpad Will it please you to have any Musick Codsh Ounds you Rogue is this a time for Musick Footpad Sir I heard your Poet was sick and perhaps Musick may do him good I have an excellent Song how the nine Muses invited a Poet to Dinner Codsh Death you Rascal get you gone Lady Hold Mr. Codshead it may do him good and please me prethee Fellow sing it Footpad 'T is to the Tune of Cook Laurel The Nine Lady Muses would make me their Guest And invited me to Parnassus to dine And promised me there a Poetical Feast And vow'd that their Helicon should turn to Wine The very first Dish was Heroical Verse Bak'd in a Pasty with smelling pufft Paste No Gravy there was for me to rebearse 'T was dull to the appetite dry to the taste Love-Sonnets in Lovers tears then were drest Stew'd in Love-sighs and set by to cool With excellent Cream and Eggs of the best And then this Loves Dish all said was a Fool. Then Epigrams dress'd and cook'd with pains With Vinegar Limon the Sawce full of Art And added unto it old Mortials Brains So this all the Muses said was their Tart. Sad Epitaphs Elegies if not mistaken Came to the Board and so were set down They look'd like a Westphalia Gammon of Bacon In his long Cloke or black Mourning-gown Then like a Shoulder of Venison in blood A Tragedy dish't with Mustard because It drew down a Deluge of Tears like a Floud With bitter Herbs added to heighten the Sauce A Comedy sweet and poignant then came By Natures Cook drest so finely and fit With all the sweet Herbs that any can name For spice strew'd with Satyr with Humour and Wit A Bisk or an Olio then one in brings With French Railleries and French Lampoons With Riddles in Rimes and Posies for Rings For the Meat they used Knives for the thin Broth their Spoons Raw Fruit great Dishes of School boys Themes Then sharp and quick Jests which all were preserv'd This slow'd like a stood of witty sweet streams And thus their Desert and Banket was serv'd The Thespian Spring all the Poets told me Ravish'd the Palate it was so divine Since Water and Wit can never agree They all concluded it was Spanish Wine The Muses then tun'd their Fiddles each string And vow'd for a while with them I should stay To hear a merry Song which they would sing When ended I kiss'd their hands and came away Lady 'T is very well there 's money Just Sir John give him some money Sir John Pox on you was not my Pocket pick't Just I shall have a hundred pound to be paid me it lies at the Town within half a mile I 'le walk over for it presently Footpad Do you hear that Sir 1 Rogue Ay and am glad to hear it we 'l be with him i'faith Lady Carry him up to Bed They remove Crambo Sir John Peace peace Sir John steals behind the Colonel who stands with his hands behind him and bites him by the Thumb Just Ha ha ha Col. kicks him Ounds you Rascal I reward you for your Monkey-tricks Lady How now what 's the matter Sir John Nay I know not Madam In 're saw the like in my life he 's the strangest cholerick person in the whole World I vow to God to box and kick a man for
matter my Lady has engaged her self to me we will make them welcome now and then at our house though Madam they are good honest Gentlemen fa la fa la. Codsh What do you mean what Lady do you speak of Sir John None but the Lady of the House Sir that 's all Just She the Lady of the House Sir John What a Devill do I see my Lady's Ghost there I have got my Lady Enter Lady Haughty Col. Isabella and the Servants Nan. No Sir you have not I will not counterfeit her person any longer Sir John Hah hah what 's this Nan. Even so Sir Sir John Death and Hell Furies Devil Damnation Murder Just Well Sir we will come and visit you at your House Sir John Death I 'le cut all your throats you Rascals Draws Lady Hold Sir John let me speak with you be not so passionate she whom you have married is a better Gentlewoman than you are a Gentleman her Father was a Gentleman your's an Ironmonger at London her 's was ruin'd by Loyalty as your's was raised by Rebellion Sir John Is she such a Gentlewoman Lady Besides to my knowledge she was extremely in Love with you this with the consideration that it cannot be undone may appease your choler Sir John Ay but now I have lost all hopes of your Ladiship Lady There 's nothing lost for I will never marry any man you shall presently hear my solemn resolutions Sir John Nay then I am contented I never had a Woman in love with me before Lady Now Colonel I wish you Joy with my Cousin the money shall be paid when you will for the redemption of your Estate Cramb. Death have I lost my Cloris I am undone I shall have my Spleen again Col. You 're a noble Lady and I have a Sword and Arm at your service always and Madam Isabella who are my lawful Wife you shall find I will behave my self like a Gentleman and like a Man of Honour Isab I do not doubt it I had heard that Character of you or I had not ventur'd on you Col. Da God Madam I love and honour you and will do as long as I live and there 's an end on 't Lady Call all my Servants and the new-married Couples in Enter all Servants c. Just Now Madam since you have disposed of those Gentlemen I hope you have reserv'd your self for me Lady I assure you I have not nor will I ever marry you examine your age and you will find you are not in such great need of a Wife as you think Just Operam oleum perdidi as the Latines have it Codsh I find Madam you have disposed of you two and denied the Justice which makes me apt to believe you intend me the honour of being your Husband Lady Never Sir upon my word since I have refus'd Gentlemen of the best Fortunes the best bred men and the wittiest men of England why should you imagine I would marry you Codsh Nay God take me I can't tell Madam Lady Nor I Sir I assure you Codsh Then there 's an end on 't there no more to be said Enter Footpad with Officers Nan. Madam here 's the Prisoner that was to be hang'd Lady So Sir I hope this warning will make you leave off stealing and live honest Footp. If it be possible to break an ill habit I will Madam I give your Ladiship a thousand thanks for as the case stood you could not have done me a greater courtesie Col. Is your Ladiship resolved never to marry Lady No because this Age affords not such a man as I would have Col. What man would you have Lady I am resolved never to marry Till I can find a man of noble blood With Vertues greater than his Pedigree One that fears nothing but to do a wrong Remembring every thing but injuries Who has courage beyond the Lion in his pride Yet hides that courage in his gentle breast That 's just for Justice sake and one that weighs All things in Judgment 's balance with clear sight Can hit the mark of men and business That prudently foresees from what is past With Wit equal to all the Roman Poets With Fancy quick and sharp yet not offensive His Discourse clear and short and what 's his own Easie and natural on all occasions Of Nature excellent a melting Soul Ready still to oblige all Mankind were it in his power This is the Man I would enjoy Col. When do you think to find such a man God take me I 'de not be such a man for such a Widow Lady Nor I neither I desire to be a Politician and a States-man for nothing but that I may have power to do wrong there is such pleasure in it Till such a man I find I 'le sit alone And triumph in the liberty I owne I ne're will wear a matrimonial Chain But safe and quiet in this Throne remain And absolute Monarch o're my self will raign FINIS Epilogue by Footpad WOrthy Spectators though I was a Rogue I here presume to speak the Epilogue For my offences I was doom'd to day But in the nick found mercy in our Play Now I am clear no punishment is due To me except fresh Crimes I act anew If you are pleas'd let me by you be freed Oh I shall wish that I were hang'd indeed Epilogue by Lady Haughty T Is not the Poet with celestial fire Nor all the Muses that can him inspire To write well 't is in you the power is had 'T is as you make it either good or bad But he in hopes of your kind Judgment stands Which he would have confirm'd by all your hands